Teen Titans #11

Get it? Teenagers are constantly having breakouts! Hilarious!

Why is Red Robin throwing a Batarang on the cover? Doesn't he use Robin-Discs or something now? If I were Batman, I would have petulantly taken away all of Tim's Bat-themed items when Tim decided to go out on his own. Then I probably would have had to fire Alfred after he made a joke about "robin leaving the nest." Right after I got done crying, of course.

Red Robin is currently still refusing to allow the law to question Superboy in the deaths of a bunch of Muslims who were actually Durlans. It's not like the justice system has already condemned Superboy to death and Red Robin is buying time to prove that Superboy is innocent. No, Red Robin is simply showing his ass to the American justice system and telling them he knows the truth and how dare they investigate the crime themselves. And yet, Red Robin doesn't know the truth at all. Red Robin is simply trusting his instincts that a teammate wouldn't turn out to be a mass murderer. Red Robin could very well be harboring a murderer. So far, this story isn't making me like anybody in the Titans or the Elite. They're all just a bunch of aggressive, arrogant assholes.

"Accent" on former? I don't know. I would have gone with the tried-and-true "emphasis." If it's meant to be a joke, it fails because it just comes off as awkward usage within a Narration Box which isn't really supposed to have any personality of its own. It's just meant to convey information. It's not as if Will Pfeifer has developed an alternate persona who constantly disregards the proper use of words for his own ends which would allow him to get away with choosing "accent" over "emphasis."

The news in Chicago is already blaming the Teen Titans for the destruction of one deck by a fancy pool, the explosion of a penthouse apartment, the near collapse of a bridge, and hundreds of injuries on a train stopped short by Superboy. I'd say the news finally got something right! Blame those fuckers! Blame the fuck out of them!

Red Robin and Raven confronted Manchester Black at the end of last issue. But after Raven fell unconscious trying to read Manchester's mind, Red Robin was trapped in Black's apartment with The Elite arriving by non-Indigo Lantern teleportation. Manchester points out that Tim has no way out and then Tim jumps through the window holding Raven and flies away on his Inertrite wings. Then the smartest guy in the room, Manchester Black, says, "Oh right. He can fly." I suppose that falls under the category of "too smart for his own good"? Is that what I'm supposed to believe? That the guy who has become the next Harvest, a guy whose plans never fail due to random chance, couldn't remember that Red Robin can fly? Letting him escape must be part of the plan! You see, Manchester Black couldn't remember Red Robin could fly but he does know exactly where Tim Drake is going! He's so smart! Sometimes.

Stop it, Tim. Just stop acting like a teenager who thinks he's always right when he simply doesn't have enough life experience to truly see how wrong he is. You were harboring a felon. Now you're going to break someone out of prison who can exonerate your friend. Who's going to fucking care at that point? Go through the fucking legal system. Let them question Superboy. Get a lawyer to get a statement from the person in prison. Stop willingly becoming outlaws and Red Hoods. And if the legal way doesn't work, call Batman to fix it all.

Red Robin brought the Titans together to help kids with super powers cope. Or something. Maybe he was bringing them together to save the other kids from NOWHERE. I think he knew all that shit that Harvest was up to when the series began because, you know, he is Harvest! So at least Red Robin fighting for his friends isn't really anything new. It's not like the Wolfman series where they were supposed to be heroes but simply got hung up on their own problems on a constant basis. But helping Superboy run from the law seems a bit...I don't know...ass backwards?

This would be an acceptable speech to rally the Teen Titans under different circumstances. Like maybe if Tim had actual proof of Kon's innocence. Or if he knew the government was trying to frame Kon. Or if, you know, actual bad guys were threatening the team as opposed to Robin just trying to get the Titans to break more laws.

Tim is all, "So, if you don't want to break any more laws with me while helping Superboy run from the law when he may very well have murdered twenty Muslims, I'll understand if you stay out of this one." Of course they choose to wade deeper into blood. That's a reference to Shakespeare! Kind of.

Chimera is not a Titan. Nor is she a friend. She's a shapechanger they just met and whom they hardly know! Hell, she could have done the murders while looking like Superboy! Get her!

I guess Raven had recovered enough in the last two days to explain how to save Superboy from what she learned while in Manchester Black's mind. But she's still recovering so she won't be able to help with the prison break. That's too bad and kind of convenient because the team could really use a teleport spell in this situation.

The Titans need to break out Despero to save Superboy. I don't think Despero would do well on the witness stand. If I were Red Robin, I'd think up a Plan B after discovering it was Despero who they needed to break out of prison. Also, I would have gathered that information from Raven before sending Beast Boy in to hack the security system. But then, I'm not smart enough to just fly by the seat of my plot contrivances.

I guess Raven did recover enough to teleport the Titans into a utility closet in the prison. But since she's still laid out, she and Bunker have to remain behind counting mops while Red Robin and Chimera search the prison for Despero. But first, they release all of the prisoners from their cells because putting the guards' lives in danger is totally acceptable. Kon's in danger! And he's a Titan! And they're all friends! The guards? Who are they?! Maybe they should have thought about the possibility of dying in a prison riot before accepting the job. This is totally on them and their poor life decisions. It's not Tim Drake's fault if any of them get hurt at all! And I totally believe Tim believes that because he was trained by the best when it comes to denying responsibility for injury and death: The Batman!

Meanwhile in Manchester Black's apartment, Manchester Black already knows what's going on because it's all part of his plan.

In prison, Blockbuster attacks Red Robin instead of the guards! But that probably wasn't part of the plan! I guess Tim Drake gets better at overly complex plans when he puts on the Harvest costume.

Blockbuster, that's not where the boob window goes! Silly.

Red Robin points out, after Blockbuster is down, that all the cell doors were not supposed to open. He had a code that was only to be used on any individual door he chose. So I guess he's not responsible for all the dead guards then! It must have been part of Manchester Black's plan since he knew what Raven read in his mind so he knew where Tim and his team were going to go. But the bigger question should be why did Manchester Black know anything about Despero being able to help Superboy, right? Again, I think Red Robin is going about this all wrong.

"Stop it! Stop caring about other people! Remember your speech?! We fight for the Titans! We fight for our friends! We fight for each other! Are the guards our friends? Are they Titans? No. Let them die."

Now that Chimera stopped Red Robin from almost acting heroically, they are free to find Despero without any distractions. Superboy also decides to join them because he suddenly knows all about this prison escape for some reason. I'm sure it'll make sense if it's ever explained. And even if it isn't explained, fans of the book will do the heavy lifting on Pfeifer's writing and fill in the blanks for him so asshole haters like me can be put in their places for pointing out how fucking stupid this entire comic book is.

Teen Titans #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Please, DC. Kill Superboy. Get him the fuck out of your Youniverse until you can figure out how to fix him. First off, I'd stop making him some disaffected teenager who's constantly in trouble through no apparent fault of his own. The only fans who like him are the fans who want to fuck him or the fans who believe everybody is out to get them in their lives as well. Being wanted by the law and being hated by normal people does not make him interesting. He's not elevating this comic book into a story worth reading. Not that it was worth reading before he appeared. I don't care enough about the Teen Titans as characters to feel for any of their struggles. Just because these versions of the Titans existed for two and a half years doesn't mean that anybody has bonded with them enough that they care about their conflict with Manchester Black (who is just Harvest-lite anyway). Nobody wanted these Titans to be tied to Lobdell's Titans anyway! I'm usually not one to call for trashing continuity and doing full blown retcons of established characters but something needs to change if the Titans are ever again going to be likeable (although, were they ever really likeable in comic book form?!). Just start over because all of these characters can eat my poo.

Teen Titans #10

Power Girl has an asshole on her face.

This issue begins by slapping me in the face and I've got half a mind to just throw it in the garbage and be done with it.

Except the comic book is correct and I can't justify wasting $2.99 on a comic book that I will never read.

Why is the comic book being so aggressive towards me?! It's like it already knows that I'm going to shit all over it! And I am!

I don't mean to make Watanabe feel bad but I suddenly find myself wondering how Kenneth Rocafort is doing? Why isn't he arting up this comic book with his crazy panel layouts and motherfucking punk rock zig zag lines all over the page? Felipe Watanabe's characters look like bored corpses.

The STAR Labs Titans have a name: The Elite. They're going to take Superboy into their custody and for some reason Wonder Girl believes that it won't "degenerate into meaningless violence." Ha ha! That's a good one! At first I thought, "OH! Cool! They're going to talk this thing out like heroes!" And then I checked the cover and saw this was published by DC Comics and knew that it was, in fact, about to degenerate into mindless violence. Although Kid Flash steps up to say a few words before it does. Will he be able to convince the Teen Titans and The Elite to work together?!

Ha ha! Of course not.

Anyway, Kid Flash wants to chastise Red Robin for leaving him in the future with Solstice. But Red Robin is all, "You wanted us to leave you! And Solstice chose to stay with you! And fuck you, asshole!" But Bart's retorts, "No! No! FUCK YOU!" And then meaningless violence occurs.

Thanks for saving the window? Would one more broken window really matter after Cassie kicked in the door and Superboy flew through the wall?! Besides, he didn't save the window. It's completely cracked. I'm assuming it's still going to need to be replaced.

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl into Mento's television set and then The Guardian (who is apparently a teenager) is allowed to say a line. I'm totally interested in him now! He's got, like, a personality and shit!

I forgot to mention that Klarion was referred to as a "punk sorcerer." Really? When did that happen? I'm still obsessed with his original incarnation as a Puritan! And Trinity, the Indigo Lantern that is on the team for reasons which will probably never be revealed? She was called a "cosmic psychotic." I suppose that describes all Indigo Lanterns, although I would have added an "ex-" to that description. That's kind of the whole point of the Indigo Corps, right?

Superboy smashes The Guardian through the roof of the building and halfway across Chicago. So now add the death of one superhero to the 22 Muslims he murdered. Because, seriously, The Guardian doesn't have invulnerability, does he? And he can't fly, right? What does he do besides molest newsboys? You know, the point isn't whether The Guardian has powers that will save him from certain death or not. The point is Superboy doesn't know anything about The Guardian (except that he met him that one time and totally wasn't impressed) which shows how reckless Superboy is with his powers. He doesn't give a short, disappointing Kryptonian fuck whether or not he just killed some guy. I think I might be on the side of Manchester Black and The Elite by this point! Although I kind of already was because Red Robin is being a total asshole who thinks the members of his team are above the law and shouldn't have to endure criminal investigations.

Red Robin gets Raven to teleport them to Manchester Black just before reckless Superboy punches The Guardian's shield (He came back! I guess he is invulnerable and can fly! Maybe Superboy did do his research!) which knocks everybody left in the apartment unconscious except for Power Girl. Even his friends Bunker and Garfield! Plus, the entire penthouse floor is destroyed in the release of telekinetic energy. Hopefully the entire top floor was just Mento's penthouse.

Also, Felipe Watanabe's characters look really good in some panels. I guess how much I like the art depends on how much time Felipe Watanabe and inker Trevor Scott spent on any one page. So I totally retract that statement about caring what Kenneth Rocafort was up to. He can be passed out naked in a pile of overdone Pop Tarts for all I care.

Anyway, Power Girl goes after Superboy so we can, once again, witness just how irresponsible and reckless he is.

This boy needs some training from Supergirl.

I guess I can't blame Superboy for being so destructive though. He was created to be a living weapon by NOWHERE!

Power Girl smashes into the deck of a pool of another apartment building. Who pays for that? It's not as if the owners should pay for it themselves while being thankful that The Elite were saving them from intergalactic monsters. She busted up that deck during a personal brawl! I suppose it was also in pursuit of a felon but that just means STAR Labs is going to have to foot the bill. Which I assume they will since Power Girl mentions she works for STAR Labs before leaving the scene of the vandalism. Manchester Black is going to be pissed.

Cassie takes over the battle with Superboy. I hope she thinks things like, "If he wasn't so awful, I'd put his dick in my mouth!" Or "I wonder if he can make me orgasm by punching me in the clitoris?" Or "I love him but I hate him too!" I also think she probably won't think those things because Scott Lobdell isn't writing this comic book anymore.

The narrator decides to call me poor again so I spend the next twenty minutes crying. I'll show him! I'll going to get rich and then take a marker and scribble over the parts of the story where the narrator is telling me I can't afford to live places! Then I'll buy a gun and shoot him in the face. Or her! I'm not a sexist murderer!

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl through a bridge full of innocent bystanders because Superboy loves smashing things and being destructive and living the reckless lifestyle.

"I can't breathe! He's killing me! He's so dreamy!"

The rest of The Elite teleport back to New York via STAR Labs tech support. I still don't know why they keep asking Klarion to teleport them when he can barely teleport them within one city. They have an Indigo Lantern on the team who can teleport cosmic distances! The only point of the Indigo Lanterns is to teleport! And I guess to care about shit nobody else cares about.

Back in Manchester Black's apartment, Red Robin and Raven are defeated by him because he's a bad ass who smokes and has a tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest. Plus he knows shit that will help advance the plot which only makes sense because it advances the plot. Apparently the Teen Titans have to take Superboy to a prison full of super villains so he can find his salvation. Does that mean The Elite and the Teen Titans can stop fighting and work together now? Because Red Robin will believe Raven when she tells him about her visions pulled from Manchester Black's head? Visions which show Superboy can only be saved (from what? I don't know!) by going to prison which is where everybody wants him anyway?

Teen Titans #10 Rating: No change. Superboy is so broken in The New 52 (now the DC Youniverse, I guess. Although it's really just the same thing but rebranded so people who hated The New 52 can come slinking back to DC with their dignity intact). At this point, he should just be killed and a new Superboy from Clone Tube #3 should just replace him. But this one can actually act heroic from the very beginning. I guess all the assholes who identify with Superboy and how he's so alone and nobody understands him and doesn't fit in and all that bullshit won't like the new Superboy. But fuck those people! This Superboy is ruining every single title he guest stars in because they become all about him. And he's just a confusing mess that's made even more confusing by every single story he appears in. The Teen Titans would do well to just wash their hands of him.

Teen Titans #9

Why does anybody want him?

I just got back from seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the Laurelhurst theater. I've seen it dozens of times since it's as old as me but since it's currently fresh in my head, I thought I'd ramble about it a little bit. First off, it's a great movie with an uplifting message that treats kids as human beings. This movie, along with Mary Poppins, are two of my favorite movies from childhood. The Non-Certified Wife says it's because they're all about chaos. While that's not untrue, I appreciate when adults aren't teaching kids that they must begin learning to act like adults. They're stories about encouraging kids to follow non-practical dreams. Although at the end of Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder basically says he wants a kid to take over his business because they're easier to brainwash and control.

I also realized that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be the first modern horror movie. It takes place at an isolated location with a bunch of young people who begin to be killed off by a madman one by one. And none of the deaths are accidents. By the time it's just Charlie and Mike, Wonka takes them on a trip via the Hsawaknow which only has enough room for Wonka and two families. And then when they get to the Wonkavision room, there are only enough outfits to protect the people who are left. Wonka did his research before allowing these kids in and he tempts them one by one with irresistible temptations which he knows will destroy them. Only Charlie gets lucky enough to not be butchered by this slaver madman. I'm pretty sure Wonka even shows a bit of disappointment when Charlie and his Grandpa finally catch back up with the rest of the group.

Now on to Teen Titans and my first thought as I open the book: Kenneth Rocafort's art is seriously making me think about dropping this book. It's not as rock and roll as he'd like to think. I'm not saying it's bad. Hell, I know a lot of people love it. But when I look at it, it feels like razor blades across the back of my brain. It's the visual equivalent of a Ted Nugent song. Damn it. Now I've alienated fans of Ted Nugent as well as fans of Kenneth Rocafort. Bah, fuck it. I don't have time to be concerned with everybody's feelings! I think I might be part Oompa Loompa. Boy, those are judgmental bastards! Fat shaming; parent shaming; hobby shaming. They just never stop with their cute little shame songs!

Red Robin and whichever Teen Titans are still loyal to him have decided to hide Superboy from the STAR Labs group of Teen Titans and J'onn J'onzz. The people after Superboy think he's killed twenty-two Muslims. But they were really Durlans so nobody should be calling him an Islamaphobe. It's more correct to refer to him as a Xenophobe. Anyway, Superboy is currently hiding in the skies of Chicago where he'll be sure to never be seen by anybody except maybe a few fat fucks with giant hot dogs stuffed in their mouths saying, "Ish shat a brd? Ish shat a prawn? It'sh Shlurpermern!"

If anybody purchasing this book thought the two page splash of Superboy flying through the sky when he should be hiding was a waste of two pages, get ready for another full page wasted as Red Robin and Chimera (the Durlan witness to Superboy's murders) have a discussion to explain to the reader why the double splash page was necessary. Superboy just needed to get out and stretch his powers or else he was going to go crazy. Now he's just going to bring the wrath of the non-merciful, justice loving Martian Manhunter down on Chicago.

Fuck you, Tim Drake.

I'm no friend of the media but Tim Drake is acting as if the media should somehow be reporting a version of the story that only exists in his own head. The only reason he's helping Superboy hide from the law is because he knows Superboy didn't commit the murders. And I don't mean "he knows" as in "he has proof." No, he just knows because he's a genius who chose Superboy to be on the Teen Titans and he obviously would never have chosen a murderer because, you know, genius! But Superboy was seen killing these people by at least one witness who spoke to the police (pretty sure it was Chimera who now claims she's certain Superboy didn't do it), he was brought in for questioning, and he broke out of police custody in a violent fight that destroyed the precinct. The law isn't going to stop trying to bring in a potential suspect simply because Tim Drake says they're wrong. Stop being so stupidly naive, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Bunker, Raven, and Garfield are walking the streets of Chicago like it's Disneyland. They're approached by two women who are "huge fans of what they're all about." Oh really? And what is that, exactly? Could it possibly be nothing which is why the girl remains so vague? Yep, that's the correct answer! This comic book has no point except to have a bunch of teens looking like Rocafort teens and doing Pfeifer teen things! I just wish they'd do more on-panel teen sex things so that a middle aged man like myself could stay interested. Oh yeah! Young people fucking! That's worth $2.99! I mean, as long as they're not too young! You know the age I mean! Young adults! The ones right in that age bracket that makes them sexually aware but doesn't allow them (in most states) to actually have sex with most of the population! The age where I'd rather see them fuck each other than have to listen to them discuss anything at all!

I am so non-sports minded that it took me another page to realize what the fuck Gar was talking about here. Just think if it were a couple months earlier. He could have been a racist caricature for the hockey fans!

While a crowd gathers to take pictures with the Teen Titans, a woman falls on the tracks of the 'L' Train. Beast Boy fucks up and can't save her because he turns into a cheetah instead of something that flies. Bunker fucks up and can't save her because he's not fast enough with making floating flying brick shoes. Or something. Raven fucks up because I guess she didn't have the proper spells memorized to save somebody in distress. So Superboy has to fly down and rescue her. Of course he doesn't pick her up and fly her out of danger. No, he drops on the tracks and stops the train on a dime. So I'm assuming at least, oh, forty people are now seriously injured? There aren't any seat belts on these things, Superasshole.

Superboy has been using his powers flying about and stuff but I guess it's only when he blows up a cop's gun in her hands (which, you know, goes a long way to proving he's a good guy, you know?) does he use enough power to alert Manchester Black as to his location. Now the STAR Labs Titans need to gear up and go start a huge brawl in the middle of Chicago for the safety of everybody! Except I think they actually have more selfish motivations that don't really stem from protecting the world from Superboy. Just a hunch.

Kid Flash takes a moment to say "Hey, girls!" as he passes by Wonder Girl and Power Girl. I think that was more an exclamation of surprise than a greeting. You'd think since he has superspeed, he'd at least spend some time bringing Wonder Girl up to speed on how he's back from the future and from the distant planet Takron-Galtos and maybe take a moment to say what happened to Solstice maybe?

Because Superboy appeared and riled up the crowd, they've now turned on the Teen Titans. Yawn. Also, I think I'm offended by every single comic book writer who thinks that most people are irrational, senseless monsters who feel the need to physically assault anything they fear.

The team has an Indigo Lantern and they're relying on Klarion to teleport them? I won't even mention the other ridiculous shit on this page. I'll leave that for y'all in the comments section!

The STAR Labs Titans teleport to just outside of Mento's Chicago apartment and then Cassie punches the door to pieces. At least it's not as bad as Superboy flying straight through the wall. The only thing I've learned from superheroes is that if I ever received super-strength, I'll never open another door or window as long as I live! Once Cassie is inside the apartment, she challenges Superboy to another fight where she'll probably think things like, "He's so dreamy but I must defeat him!" or "I wish we were tussling in bed but he's so bad! In a good way! But not too!" or "He's trying to kill me and it makes me so fucking wet!"

Teen Titans #9 Rating: -1 Ranking because the art is the worst possible art if you're me. Most of you aren't but then you also don't get to rate the comic books on this page. It also gets -1 Ranking for being predictable Teen Titans bullshit where crowds love them but then they also hate them and then the Teen Titans battle some other Teen Titans. Not a hint of justice being served anywhere in the issue!

Multiversity #2

I'm afraid to read this.

If I read this, there is a chance that I won't understand what the fuck I've been reading across the last nine months. And if that happens, I'll feel like a huge idiot failure and I'll probably need to feel better about myself somehow. Maybe I can start up a Tumblr where I just call everybody out for being an Islamophobe. Maybe I could sell shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it can say, "I'm with this Ableist, Racist, Misogynistic Islamophobe." Fuck, I think that shirt would be a huge seller! Seriously, you could stand next to anybody with that shirt and it would probably be accurate. Especially if they're your parents! Maybe it's a bit too much though. How about selling shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it just reads "Problematic"? And if you feel the people you're around a lot are a bit more than problematic, the shirt can read "Gross". Maybe it can even come with a little square piece of cloth the same color of the shirt that can cover up the arrow for those days when somebody calls you out and you want to act appropriately by not arguing but shutting your stupid problematic mouth and rolling over like a good, kind, sensitive person should.

This issue begins with some narrator pointing out that the story goes on with or without me. Not in my world it doesn't! I can stop reading and never read any more about this book and this is where it would end. At least for me. And what else is there? But I paid $4.49 for this comic book so I'm going to read it. I guess my hands are tied.

Oh god I hope I understand it! I should say a prayer!

Baby Jesus. I know I said I would never ask you for another favor if you allowed me to tie my shoe in one try way back in the early nineties in Greeley, Colorado, but I have to ask you for one more favor. What is one more favor to you? An omnipotent little guy with the power to return from the dead and piss off all of the local religious leaders. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? When you were pointing out the idiocy of the Pharisees and their laws, were people constantly Tweeting you and calling you an anti-semite? You were kind of mocking their religion and being totally gross and all. Not cool, Jesus. I'm not saying you deserved to be crucified but, come on, you weren't exactly blameless! Anyway, I'm getting off track here! I was hoping that you'd give me the mental wherewithal to understand this whole Grant Morrison Multiversity thing so that I don't look like a complete idiot in front of all forty-five of my followers! Do we have a deal?

Okay! Now that that insurance is out of the way, let's read Multiversity for reals!

The House of Heroes in the Orrery of Worlds is currently under attack by a gigantic octopus. That's probably one of The Gentry but I don't remember them all so it might also just be one of the pets of Doctor Sivana. Or it might be a version of Doctor Sivana! The Harbinger Computer System sends out an SOS to all fifty-two worlds because they need more heroes to save the Multiverse!

As the call for help echoes across the Multiverse, our attention turns to Earth-13 where Superdemon and his magical compatriots live. Their world has been invaded by vampires from another Earth, most likely Earth-43. The vampires came out of Sivana's Transmatter Cube which I suppose is just as effective as Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cube but more cartoony.

Superdemon doesn't just rhyme on Earth-13; he fucking sonnets, motherfuckers.

Superdemon and the League of Shadows hop through the cube and into the Sivana's High-Tech Rock of Eternity. Waiting on the other side of the Transmatter Cube is the Blood League of Earth-43! That's basically the Justice League if they were all vampires. Vampire Doctor Sivana is stabbed to death by Fate while the Blood League is taken out by Annataz.

I hear once you go black with two lumps and a hint of cream you never go back.

During the battle, Hannibal Sivana and Hissivana sneak off through the Transmatter Cube to Earth-18 where the Justice Riders live. Hannibal takes a justice bullet in the head and Hissivana pukes up one of the chibi-robot Justice Leaguers he ate a few comic books back. As he's surrounded by the Justice Riders, the Narrator from the beginning who spoke of reading comic books and being enamored by the medium begins to awaken once more. Is this why the story would go on with or without me? Because the simple act of Morrison writing it brought it into being and that we, the audience, are merely incidental to its existence?

The Narrator has been woken by a crisis appearing across every world in the Multiverse. Red skies and black lightning surround each Earth as the residents battle with foes promised glory by The Gentry.

On Earth-36, the heroes battle an undead Optiman who was killed by SuperDoomsday in Action Comics.

The Narration in the above panel is something I was talking about in my Batman #40 blog entry. The comic book universe is one that is written as if the story is approaching some ending but that ending just never comes. Even when Crisis on Infinite Earths ended at issue #12, it couldn't actually end. It wasn't the final word on anything no matter how much DC Comics wanted it to be. The Comic Book Universe exists simply to perpetuate conflict. So an epic event is never the resolution to a conflict but simply a means to create more conflict. Nobody wants a universe that's winding down because it's resolving all of its problems one by one! We need conflict! Conflict! CONFLICT!

As the conflicts on each Earth ramp up, more heroes are pulled from their worlds and into the House of Heroes to help fight The Gentry. Abin Sur from Earth-20 finally arrives. And Adam Familiar from the Bizarro Universe. And Doctor Nemo, one of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. from Earth-39. And many, many others. This must be the part where Harbinger and Dino-cop come up with a plan!

That's the plan?! Who let the guy with the walnut-sized brain come up with the plan?!

The Gentry attacking the House of Heroes is Hellmachine and, according to the Narrator, it is the 999th forbidden name of the third angel of despair and countless are its legions. In other words, it's bad ass. Hellmachine has found his way to the House of Heroes because Chibi-Robot Wonder Woman and Chibi-Robot Steel of Earth-42 are in the House. And they are his teeny, tiny robot spies. That is the great and terrible secret of Earth-42!

Atomic Knight Batman pulls out his Multiversity Guidebook which can help restore the Harbinger A.I. But I think first they decide to read one of the stories in his copy that wasn't in my copy:

Superjudge! And, um, Special Thanks to Dave Wyndorf and Monster Magnet?! I knew he was a comic book geek since he's appeared on Tell 'em Steve Dave a number of times. But what did he do to get a mention?!

Superjudge will solve his Rubik's Cube in seventeen moves which will tear holes in all space and time allowing The Gentry access to all the planets. Brunch places and record shops will proliferate across the Multiverse! All art and creativity will be channeled into DJing clubs and parties and, well, just practicing with the front door open so that people passing on the sidewalk will know how fucking cool you are. White people will be everywhere! Standing in line for artisan pizza! Standing in line for artisan ice cream! Standing in line for artisan burritos! The Multiverse will become a bland, boring place full of unbearable assholes!

If Captain Carrot and his friends can't stop Superjudge and The Gentry, I might have to begin reading Marvel.

Let me just point out that my previous rant took place before I read this page.

Captain Carrot gets his head blasted off just before he's about to eat one of his cosmic carrots. But he's a cartoon character so a little loss of noggin doesn't bother him much. While his body continues to fight and wait for a mouth to feed the carrot, Captain Carrot's head makes friends with Nix Uotan's monkey pal. He explains to Captain Carrot that Nix Uotan is opening the doors to let The Gentry in because he realizes, somewhere inside him that is still a monitor, that an open door can be entered from either side.

Meanwhile, Harbinger A.I. comes back online thanks to the infusion of The Multiversity Guidebook and maybe some of the data from the Chibi-Robot hard drives. Before Hellmachine can eat her mind, The Marvel Family spears it with the Sivana's False Rock of Eternity. It's eaten by the creatures of The Bleed and The Marvels join the fight at the House of Heroes.

Red Racer helps Captain Carrot get back on his neck. And Captain Carrot helps Red Racer by giving him a bunch of comic books to read.

Wait! There were connections to be made across all the comic book?! I just thought they were big brawls!

Superjudge completes the Rubik's Cube in fifteen moves as Red Racer runs around the world going in and out of all the newly opened portals. He comes back nearly instantly with a whole army of speedsters! Flashes to the rescue! Usually they cause Cosmic Crises but this time, they're going to fucking end one! With fifteen near infinite-mass punches, The Flashes knock out Superjudge. Nix Uotan crawls from out of Superjudge's head as good as new. If by "new" you were thinking "as is" and don't mind one eye being popped by a trident.

But then The Gentry arrive through the doors opened by Superjudge's Rubik's Cube. But Harbinger A.I., using The Multiversity Guidebook, has learned a thing or two about opening gates herself.

I kind of feel, since I began reading comics with Crisis on Infinite Earths, that I should stop reading them altogether when this is over!

The heroes of every world easily defeat The Gentry in this final battle. Except it's not the end because it's never really the end. Endings are dumb and boring. Nix Uotan mentions that an empty hand is at the end. And now it's time to find that thing behind The Gentry. It awaits Superman of Earth-23 and the rest behind the still standing door of The Gentry known as Lord Broken. The door leads to where it all began on Earth-7. It leads to a throne room made from the ruins of the world.

When is the last time anybody saw a picture of Dan Didio?

The giant antlered person explains that his legion of Gentry are building an Oblivion Machine which will tell the final chapter of the DC Universe. You know, that chapter that will never actually be written except in alternate timelines and elseworld tales? Although The Empty Hand does point out that the Gentry are feeding on Multiverse-2, so maybe sometimes the final chapter does get told.

By the way, what is Multiverse-2? The Silver Age? Or a universe that no reader has ever heard of because its story was told and destroyed and devoured?

The Empty Hand teleports the heroes back to Earth-8 to await the day of their final issues. In the meantime, Superman of Earth-23 decides the Multiverse needs a Cosmic Neighborhood Watch. He names it Operation Justice Incarnate which seems a little bit over the top but what the hell. They are tasked with protecting fifty-two universes from a threat that originated on Earth-33. I guess the easiest way to access every universe is to start on the universe that has windows (aka comic books) to all of the other worlds.

For saving the Multiverse, Nix Uotan is rewarded with eight hundred dollars so that he can pay rent on his apartment on Earth-0.

So was it all a dream? Yeah, probably!

Does it matter? Wouldn't you prefer it being a dream, or simply a comic book in which Nix played a significant role, than have to think of it as an analogy about how comics can spread dangerous and important ideas and how we must protect the ability to keep ideas free, no matter how dangerous they might be, because it's better than cranking up the Oblivion Machine and keeping us all in the dark? Of course, we must be vigilant about what ideas take root in our hearts and minds. That's the part of the analogy that wound up with a crazy name of Operation Justice Incarnate! Plus I think there was a message about not letting Frank Miller into your house no matter how persistent he can be.

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

Batman Eternal #45

[INSERT CAPTION HERE]

[EXPLAIN WEBSITE CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP HERE]

Hey. You people. This is Batman Eternal and shit. I'm your new bloghost or whatever, Derek "Fat Wallet" Markham. You can call me Fat Wallet because it's a nickname I thought up for myself due to my fat wallet full of cash and credit cards. I saw the money making capabilities of this website and bought it off of that fat fuck Grunion Guy. Man, what an idiot. I can't believe people enjoyed his blarting. Blarting is a cool word I made up. It's a combination of "blathering" and "sharting."

[MAKE FUNNY JOKES/SATANIC CHANTS/OBSERVATIONS/PROPAGANDA AS YOU READ. INTERSPERSE WITH SCANS FROM THE COMIC.]

Before I start this whole review thing or whatever, go purchase this lovely gift for the lonely Batman nerd in your life:

Batman Lunch Box

So the comic book begins with some tar baby versions of Martha and Jonathan Wayne bubbling out of the runway tarmac.

I got a real pain in the ass editor over here called my fucking wife and she's saying I can't use the term "tar baby" to describe these monsters formed out of fucking tar. How can I be descriptive if I can't describe exactly what is fucking happening? Get off my back, will ya?!

Batman beats up the tar monsters (there, are you fucking happy?). One of them is some dude named Mister Bygone. He's like some guy from The Cure or something, all sad and pale and shit. Batman punches him in the mouth and he crumples to the ground like a fucking pussy. Then Batman tries to save Milo from having a heart attack while the fucking Gotham Port Authority decides to put on their big boy britches and act like they're fucking heroes instead of what they really are: scumsucking lazy union leeches grifting their way into retirement.

Speaking of grifting, how about purchasing this super cool Grifter figurine for your writing desk at home? It probably gets as much use as my wife's writing desk I bought her for Christmas five years ago. Gonna write children's books, my ass. The longest thing she's written so far is a note bitching at me to clean up the fucking garage. And the only fiction she's ever written were her fucking wedding vows.

Super cool Grifter figurine!

Meanwhile some black guy in a bat suit is battling some Amityville Horror shit. I thought when them blacks saw a ghost, they just fucking took off the other way? Ain't it usually them white fucks that get their asses killed by ghosts cause they got no sense to get out when the staying in is terrifyingly scary? My mother just used ta live with weird ghost shit no matter what was going on. She'd hear some cupboards rattling and just yell out, "Hey! Quiet it down in there! I'm trying to watch Jeopardy in here! You ain't wanna make me get Presbyter Alexandro in here to make you quiet, enh?!" I don't even know who the fuck this Presbyter Alexandro fucking was. But it seemed a problem didn't exist that this fucker couldn't solve. It was always "Presbyter Alexandro this!" and "Presbyter Alexandro that!"

Some spooky guy named Jim Corrigan drops by this Luke Fox's house to talk about ghosts. Then they meet up with Batman in a cemetery to talk about what this Milo character knows.

Damn. I guess I ain't got no fucking Batman in a cemetery product tie-in to sell.

This Corrigan guy interrogated Milo before he knocked him out with one fucking punch. He learned he cast some kind of dream spell after some dream bird, an Owl or something, spoke to him and told him to fuck up Gotham real good with fucked up black magic and shit. But he still ain't the guy responsible for Batman's fucking headache.

Some chick named Harper tells this other chick named Spoiler that she kind of likes her. Now that comic book idea would be a money making monster. Chick super heroes fucking each other for twenty or thirty pages. But it would have to be online because who buys over the counter pornography anymore? It's fucking free on the internet. So the money would come from advertising shit like sex toys and more porn sites. If you want to get rich, some rich person I knew always said, you got to get your dick dirty. So why am I wasting my time buying up shitty little comic book sites like this? It may have a lot of eyeballs but what the fuck kind of eyeballs are they, right? They're kids and cheapskates, probably. And I'm supposed to keep up this shit two or three times a day just to advertise crappy comic book related trinkets? Fuck this. This is a lot of fucking work. Goddamned wife was right this time. "You ain't never gonna put no work in that shitty little site, you'll see! You like buying shit that might make you fucking money but you hate putting in the work." Yeah, yeah. Look who's fucking talking, woman.

That's the trick with making good fucking money on internet porn. Keeping your site clean of them fucking computer viruses! Those fuckers'll cost you money quicker than new perverts can find your site!

Some internet porn moguls think it's a good fucking idea to steal information with viruses. But I say it's better to make steady money honestly, month after month, than to try to get a lot of dishonest cash fucking quickly by abusing customers. Customers are king for a reason, fuckheads!

Finally, Batman decides that Ra's al Ghul must be behind the problems Gotham has been experiencing lately. So he's got to go beat his fucking ass and show him who the fucking boss of everything is.

Batman Eternal #45 Rating: [RAISE RANKS ON SNYDER/SOULE/SIMONE/FLETCHER/TOMASI BOOKS. LOWER RANK ON LOBDELL/BUNN/NOCENTI BOOKS. FLIP COIN FOR ALL OTHERS] Fuck this fucking shit. That fucking no-life Grunion Guy can have this site back for fifty percent off. What kind of chump is that guy? Who puts in this much work for no fucking money? That guy must have the skinniest wallet in America. That's his new fucking nickname. Skinniest Wallet. Har har! Fuck that guy. Fat Wallet out!

Superman #38

This is actually a wrap-around cover but the back side is just a bunch of disembodied heads staring at Ulysses backside.

I hear Superman gets a new power in this issue! Do you think it has anything to do with how skinny his left leg is on this cover? Maybe he's going to gain super stretchy powers. I hope, after all that bullshit he went through against villains with mental powers in Lobdell's Superman run, he gains some kind of defense against mind control. Or maybe immunity to magic. He doesn't really need any more offensive powers, right? He's got cold breath and heat vision, so he doesn't need to blast lightning or sun-bolts. He's got flight and super strength and invulnerability. Maybe he'll develop at least a modicum of cynicism!

At the end of last issue, he was floating in space in the Fourth Dimension somewhere near where the Great World used to be. Ulysses was a little bit upset about the loss of his adopted home world and Superman was just all, "I know right? Tell me about it."

For the first few pages, Ulysses just beats the crap out of Superman and Superman takes it because he understands that Ulysses is going through some emotional shit right now. He's blaming Superman for sending the Earthlings back to Earth instead of pumping them into the Great World's Furnace to fuel the planet. But it wasn't Superman's fault. It was Ulysses' parents fault for not listening to him and remaining on Earth. Superman never could have talked Ulysses out of killing the millions of Earthlings because it was the only way to save Ulysses' adopted home. But when he suddenly had to choose between his parents and his new home, he chose his parents. So I think if somebody could just stop Ulysses and ask "Who are you really angry at?", he'll stop his rampage and put his chin in his hand and go, "Who the fuck are you?" Then he'll kill the idiot that asked that question and go right back to pummeling Superman.

Ulysses and Superman wind up back on Earth because Ulysses wants to destroy it out of spite. But then all Superman has to do is point out how Ulysses' parents are on Earth and he won't be able to do it! Issue over!

I didn't pay five dollars to read speeches! Start punching shit already!

Ulysses and Superman continue the fight out in the Pine Barrens or somewhere with no people (only squirrels and bears and other creatures that apparently don't fucking matter). At that point, Geoff and John and Laura fill up page after page after page with explosions. Maybe I was wrong about not wanting to read speeches! I guess I paid five dollars to look at a lot of orange ink.

Just to be clear, these are two separate double page spreads. I've pulled more visually interesting things out of the drain in my bathtub.

Superman and Ulysses collapse in a huge crater of mud and burnt foliage and dead, used-to-be-cute little animals. When Superman awakens, he finds himself in the Batcave staring directly into Batman's crotch.

It's a double page manspread!

John Romita Jr's version of the Batcave is awful. I think it goes against Bat-Continuity! When has the cave every looked like this? It looks like a mall with the dinosaur in the middle of the central courtyard where the fountain would usually be.

Batman, being the go-to guy when you need to know about Kryptonian physiology, has been running tests on Superman and he figured out that Superman has developed a new power: Solar Flaring!

What's with the great big circle surrounding Superman's crotch? Bat-perv.

So basically Superman can self-destruct? That's not really a surprise. It's just like Supergirl's FWASH power when she makes her vagina explode. Oh! Maybe that's why Batman circled Superman's crotch. It's where the new power emanates.

Ulysses wound up in a cell built to contain the Parasite. Superman feels like he should go talk to him because that probably won't set him off again. Plus, Superman needs a day or so to regain his powers. His new Self-Destruct Button (that's what Lois will eventually call his penis) really is a last line of defense, apparently. It saps him of all his power, destroys everything in the area, and leaves him as vulnerable as any human on the planet. He should probably go have sex with Wonder Woman now so he realizes what it really feels like! I bet having sex while invulnerable is like wearing a billion condoms.

Ulysses decides to pout in prison and never talk to Superman again. But his parents visits and he cries like a huge wuss.

Clark decides to go back to working for The Daily Planet because he can't stand sharing an office with Cat anymore. I knew those two idiots should have taken the money Glenn Morganmorgan Glennglenn offered them! They would have been free to do anything they wanted! Like start up a new blog doing exactly what they were doing on Clarkcatropolis but maybe with a better name this time. Instead, they acted like fools and now Clark's back to the Daily Grind. I mean Daily Planet.

Jimmy Olsen and Superman go out for hot dogs and then exchange secrets. Jimmy's secret is that he gave away all of his parents' money because it was a stupid idea to make Jimmy Olsen rich in the first place. Now who decided that was a good idea? Some writer that never thinks through any story further than the end of the month deadline on the issue he's currently writing. Some guy that doesn't understand characterization and writes characters as if they were him instead of trying to understand the character's own motivations and personality. Now if I could just remember that writer's name?! Oh well. After Jimmy tells Superman that he's broke, Superman opens up to Jimmy too.

"I'm Superman, Jim. And I want you to suck my balls."

Superman #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. What a let down! So Superman discovered his Exploding Vagina Power finally! Big deal! He'd have realized he had that power all along if he'd ever take the time to have a normal, non-condescending chat with his cousin Supergirl. And I have no idea if Jimmy Olsen ever knew Superman and Clark Kent were the same person even though they were the biggest pals ever. But I'm pretty sure Clark never asked Jimmy to become his personal teapot. That was a weird twist!

Teen Titans #6

I think that's El Guapo in The Flash uniform! Where's his skateboard?

Last issue, the Teen Titans were battling a bunch of drug-crazed teenagers (is that redundant? Aren't they all hopped up on Loopies and Wackbombs?) while Manchester Black and Josiah Power watched. Manchester Black and Josiah Powers are some manipulative bastards who work for STAR Labs and want to have sexual relations with young teenage heroes (possibly! I'm glad libel laws don't extend to fictional characters). Beast Boy, who somehow changed from Red to Green during the Titans' hiatus which may have been explained away somewhere somehow although I'm sure it was changed because it was just stupid that he was red and nobody liked it at all, um...I forgot what this sentence was going to be about after that adjective clause. Maybe I should just get back to the fight!

Oh yeah! Also, Power Girl showed up to try out for the team.

With Power Girl's help, the Teen Titans defeat the drug-addled teens in four pages so I guess the cliff the team was left hanging from last issue wasn't very tall. After the battle, Raven teleports the team away because the crowd starts to get stalkery and weird. I hope Raven remembered to teleport Wonder Girl's mom along with them. Being that I'm an irresponsible lout, I can't tell if leaving the unconscious super powered teenagers behind without making sure the police were there to round them up first was poor form. I mean, one of the teenagers was invisible! When the cops arrive, how are they going to know to arrest that guy? Also, how are they going to know not to run him over?!

Back at Bunker and Beast Boy's apartment, the Teen Titans sit around interviewing Power Girl while nobody mentions Wonder Girl's mom. That's weird. Are we just supposed to forget that she was in the fight scene last issue? Remember how she almost got crushed by a truck but Power Girl saved her? Now nobody gives a fuck about where she went?

Power Girl tells the rest of the Teen Titans how she got her Power Girl powers and when she gets to the part about Desaad killing her mother, nobody says, "Oh, hey! What happened to Wonder Girl's mother?" And nobody even mentions how weird it will be to have a Wonder Girl and a Power Girl on the same team. That's Legion of Super-heroes weird.

After the origin story, Power Girl tells the Teen Titans how to do their job.

Yeah! You idiots should hire Madame Xanadu to tell you who to attack before they commit any crimes! Preemptive super heroing! Don't worry if it looks like you're beating the shit out of innocent people because they haven't done anything wrong yet! You'll know you're doing the right thing! Maybe. I mean, you'll have a little bit of doubt that maybe Madame Xanadu is just getting you to beat up people she has a grievance with. But just put that out of your mind! I'm sure prophecy is a real thing!

Power Girl totally makes sense if I choose not to purposefully misunderstand her though! I mean, all the Teen Titans have been doing (mostly back in Lobdell's run) was waiting for other people to attack them while they just hung out talking about how they were going to change the world or something. They were busy coming up with names and costumes and flirting with Superboy but they weren't ever actually trying to stop super villains. They were busy visiting Dinosaur Island and going into the future and fucking each other and battling Raven's father but they never really helped the world. Which is why it's so strange that they're suddenly so popular ever since this new Teen Titans series began. How is Raven popular enough to have a band based on her? How is Wonder Girl known by enough people to have a whole gang of Faux Wonder Girls running around New York beating up muggers? Why do I even care? I should just be happy Lobdell is off the book!

Meanwhile Beast Boy continues to explore STAR Labs as a little Green Mouse. I bet he gets caught by some crazy doctor and locked in a cage and forced to run a maze for sex cheese.

Then that band that loves Raven? They managed to record her chanting a spell earlier and they're going to add it to one of their tracks. But just like that episode of Constantine where the record summons demons and opens portals to hell and forces people to remember their first broken heart so they spin around the room blubbering like nobody ever blubbered before about the human condition, the Raven's spell track disturbs the neighbors.

This is just like me when the neighbor downstairs begins playing the only bass track he seems to know on his stupid fucking bass because he's probably trying to impress another methed-out lady he picked up at the bar around the corner.

People who love music suck. Look, Never Going To Make It As A DJ: we all fucking love music. It's just that some of us don't divest ourselves of an actual personality for it. Oh, you heard a band that nobody you know knows and they're fucking terrific? Aren't you just the next fucking Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark of the Music Frontier? Being the first person to love a band is not discovering the cure for cancer. Hell, it's not even helping a friend move! It's not even politely allowing somebody to merge on the freeway! It's next to having done absolutely nothing. Liking a band before they're liked by the masses doesn't make you a super genius. It makes you a person that has nothing to say to anybody except, "Have you heard this?" Okay, you probably know all about the bands as well to prove how much of a super fan you were before the band hits it big. So you can also bore everybody with your in-depth knowledge of the equipment the band uses and the studio they play at and the producers favorite way to fuck wanna-be songwriters. Oh, and playing your music loudly from the porch of your house as you sit amongst a pile of empty Rainier cans impresses nobody except more insubstantial people like yourself! Get off my lawn!

The Girls Wonder and Power head over to Wonder Girl's apartment where we find Wonder Girl's mom safe and sound. Whew! I was worried she'd been written out of existence! I need an older woman in this comic book so that all of my boners while reading it aren't weird and perverse and possibly illegal.

Scott Lobdell had Roy Harper say basically this same thing about Oliver Queen. That doesn't bode well for my impression of Will Pfeifer!

If you bitch about somebody always thinking they're right when they usually are right, you're an asshole. If they're usually right, they don't think they're usually right. They just usually are right. Stop believing it's some random roll of the dice that always happens to be against you and realize that maybe the other person is pretty smart and perceptive and you are an unobservant dolt! Although Tim Drake is supposed to be some kind of super genius so writers have to write lines like this so the reader can understand exactly how super geniusy he is without actually being troubled by writing scenes where he shows his super genius. Much easier to have another character state the fact for us.

Someone knocks at the door and Wonder Girl explains why it's Raven and then it isn't Raven, proving that Cassie is never right about anything ever! I think one example is enough of a sample to make that judgment, right? Science!

If I ever answered the door to find some shirtless fool draped across the doorway with his disheveled leather jacket hanging loose, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from laughing in his face. If it were a woman, I'd probably go, "Ubba ubba ubba duh duh um blork!" Hmm, so maybe this actually works if the person is of a sex you want to rub pee-pees with!

Cassie's mom, Helena, asks Manchester Black where his shirt is and I admire her lawn greatly. Old people rule! Young people go to school because nobody wants them cluttering up the malls every single day of the year.

It turns out Manchester Black is only nineteen. Because even people practically running STAR Labs have to be teenagers in a teen comic aimed at teens whose heads instantly explode if they have to read a scene with two fucking adults in one room. Even if a nineteen year old running STAR Labs really doesn't make any sense, no matter how smart or ambitious Manchester Black is. Unless he inherited the company from a parent and was allowed, for some stupid fucking reason, to run it himself. Maybe he got the job because he's sucking Josiah Power's dick? Josiah Power is an old guy, right? Please let him be an old guy! A big old lemon partyer!

Manchester Black, being the young super genius that he is, manipulates Cassie's belief in preemptive strikes to convince her to join him in battling some unknown group that's driving his surveillance people mad just from snippets of conversation they've detected. I'm sure her and Power Girl will sign on because look at his nipples!

Sex-maze time for mousey!

Some gunmen break into STAR Labs and blow a hole in its securest of secure vaults with a handheld nuclear bomb. They all survive somehow and they expect some of the STAR Labs' personnel to have survived as well because comic books. I guess calling the bomb "an experimental" fission bomb is the explanation for people being able to survive the blast? Manchester Black tells Cassie to get the team together so they can stop these terrorists from stealing all of STAR Labs most dangerous things. Why he had to come to Cassie to convince her to help him fight whatever needs fighting when the Teen Titans are just going to react (again!) to the blast on Governor's Island is beyond me. Even without Manchester Black, the Teen Titans would have gone in to secure the area after seeing a mushroom cloud out in the bay. I guess he just wanted to prance around shirtless in front of the young girls.

Teen Titans #6 Rating: No change. So far, this series feels like the Teen Titans are really doing some super heroing but are they? Once again, they're just being targeted by an enemy (in this case, Manchester Black) and manipulated into doing whatever he wants them to do. Which means, once again (again!), the only reason anything bad is happening in his comic book is because the Teen Titans exist. If they were in San Francisco, New York would be much safer because none of this would be happening. Maybe it would be. I still don't really know what Manchester Black is ultimately up to. But it seems like his plan relies on maneuvering the Teen Titans into a specific position on his chess board, so I'm going to continue to blame the Teen Titans for everything that goes wrong around them. But what else is new, right? Didn't they have this same kind of problem back in the Marv Wolfman and George Perez days? If only I could remember them!