It's unrealistic that Catwoman's suit would never get torn where we could see some of the good bits.
Hitman #19 (August 20th, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
Getting old is a constant struggle to not be overwhelmed by the daily increase in the already much too short distance to the end of it all. Sometimes life feels like that whole rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic saying. When you're young and the Titanic has yet to leave its berth, you have plenty of time to rearrange the deck chairs no matter how pointless it might be. But when you're older, the futility of nearly everything comes screaming into your brain way too often to point out that no matter how you arrange them, they're going to wind up scattered across the bottom of the ocean, broken and forgotten. But every day, I simply put that thought out of my mind and I recite the mantra that keeps me upbeat and jovial: "Today is not that day."
Also I'm only 54! I shouldn't be this dramatic about death! But I was the same way in my early 20s which seems such a shame. Stop writing depressing poetry about the inevitability of death and go get laid, you emo freak! Sometimes I feel like I've always been that one character's parents in that one book by Steinbeck (Pastures of Heaven, I believe it was) where he comments that they're only living to live longer. Like What's-His-Name from Catch-22 who always wanted to be bored so that his life would seem longer and Yossarian was all, "But what's the point in living longer if your life isn't worth living?" And the character whose name I can't remember not because my brain is old but because I've always had an issue with names responds, "What else is there?"
Was that Dunbar? Did I my brain finally get me there?! Or am I just naming characters whose name I suddenly remembered?! It certainly wasn't Alfie. He was the psycho who killed prostitutes in Rome, right?!
Speaking of death, Etrigan arrives and fucks up everything for everybody instead of bringing the rifle that was supposed to save their lives.
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
Getting old is a constant struggle to not be overwhelmed by the daily increase in the already much too short distance to the end of it all. Sometimes life feels like that whole rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic saying. When you're young and the Titanic has yet to leave its berth, you have plenty of time to rearrange the deck chairs no matter how pointless it might be. But when you're older, the futility of nearly everything comes screaming into your brain way too often to point out that no matter how you arrange them, they're going to wind up scattered across the bottom of the ocean, broken and forgotten. But every day, I simply put that thought out of my mind and I recite the mantra that keeps me upbeat and jovial: "Today is not that day."
Also I'm only 54! I shouldn't be this dramatic about death! But I was the same way in my early 20s which seems such a shame. Stop writing depressing poetry about the inevitability of death and go get laid, you emo freak! Sometimes I feel like I've always been that one character's parents in that one book by Steinbeck (Pastures of Heaven, I believe it was) where he comments that they're only living to live longer. Like What's-His-Name from Catch-22 who always wanted to be bored so that his life would seem longer and Yossarian was all, "But what's the point in living longer if your life isn't worth living?" And the character whose name I can't remember not because my brain is old but because I've always had an issue with names responds, "What else is there?"
Was that Dunbar? Did I my brain finally get me there?! Or am I just naming characters whose name I suddenly remembered?! It certainly wasn't Alfie. He was the psycho who killed prostitutes in Rome, right?!
Speaking of death, Etrigan arrives and fucks up everything for everybody instead of bringing the rifle that was supposed to save their lives.
Yes, Etrigan just melted down the church's crucifix, Jesus and all. He is a true hero.
The problem with Etrigan shitting all over the graven images inside this church is that it instantly deconsecrates the entire grounds. Which seems weird if you ask me. But why would you ask me, a person who knows nothing about the dogma and propaganda of religious views and only the stark written word supposedly behind those views. Look, I'm just an areligious cynic but if you're going to say to me, "One of God's laws — one of His most major laws in that He only made ten of them so His people could find it easy to do as He says — is that 'Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image blah blah blah' and then you said, 'Look at these two religions based on this same Book. One of them takes this law of God seriously and the other one is all, "Who wants more images of God and angels and Jesus and God's prophets! Many of them covered in gold leaf, baby!"'", I would have to believe the one taking the law so seriously that it will even murder infidels for making graven images was the more holy religion. The other one is just clown school. So if you burn a sculpture of a clown that wasn't supposed to exist anyway and it somehow makes the holiness of your circus less viable, my head is done in. So the graven image was keeping the church safe from demons and devilry? The idolatry was the load bearing pillar of your sacred ground?! Well, you might be able to see why this poor areligious rube could only shake their head and think, "Tha' fuck's going on, mate?"
Tommy offers to swap Etrigan's heart (which Blood has stored in a box to control Etrigan) for the Ace of Winchesters. But neither one will give over their half of the swap first because one can't be trusted and the other can't trust the one that can't be trusted. See? Stalemate! Meanwhile, Mawzir has realized the church was deconsecrated and has moved in on Tommy and his friends with all ten guns blazing. Not surprisingly, Mawzir doesn't hit anybody with any of the bullets fired from those ten guns because how the fuck do you aim ten guns at the same time with only one brain? And a stupid idiot Nazi brain at that! Knowing that Mawzir will eventually accidentally shoot somebody in a necessary organ, Tommy and friends escape into the crypts under the church. You know, like all churches have under them. Right? Has every vampire movie in existence been lying to me about that? I can't imagine they were.
Tommy offers to swap Etrigan's heart (which Blood has stored in a box to control Etrigan) for the Ace of Winchesters. But neither one will give over their half of the swap first because one can't be trusted and the other can't trust the one that can't be trusted. See? Stalemate! Meanwhile, Mawzir has realized the church was deconsecrated and has moved in on Tommy and his friends with all ten guns blazing. Not surprisingly, Mawzir doesn't hit anybody with any of the bullets fired from those ten guns because how the fuck do you aim ten guns at the same time with only one brain? And a stupid idiot Nazi brain at that! Knowing that Mawzir will eventually accidentally shoot somebody in a necessary organ, Tommy and friends escape into the crypts under the church. You know, like all churches have under them. Right? Has every vampire movie in existence been lying to me about that? I can't imagine they were.
Getting a hernia has never been sexier.
Once in the crypt, Tommy uses his mindreading powers to see what Etrigan and Mawzir are up to which gives John McCrea a chance to create this nifty little panel:
Just for those without access to the previous panels, Etrigan was hanging upside down from a bit of rubble while speaking with Mawzir. So he's already in the correct position to merge his head with Tommy's in a visual metaphor for the mind reading bit. Just an eloquent little detail by McCrea.
Tommy's little mindread of Etrigan doesn't end so well for him as Etrigan gives him a minor embolism when he shoves Tommy's mind out of his. But don't worry! He's given enough time to recover by Section Eight as they wade into battle against Mawzir and his Gotham henchmen! I'm sure Section Eight can get the job done without too many deaths. I mean, I know they can't get the job done but they can be a distraction as probably half of them get ripped to shreds.
As Section Eight charges into battle, Hitman scores another first for a mainstream DC comic book: A man jerking off onto the wall of a deconsecrated church on-panel.
Tommy's little mindread of Etrigan doesn't end so well for him as Etrigan gives him a minor embolism when he shoves Tommy's mind out of his. But don't worry! He's given enough time to recover by Section Eight as they wade into battle against Mawzir and his Gotham henchmen! I'm sure Section Eight can get the job done without too many deaths. I mean, I know they can't get the job done but they can be a distraction as probably half of them get ripped to shreds.
As Section Eight charges into battle, Hitman scores another first for a mainstream DC comic book: A man jerking off onto the wall of a deconsecrated church on-panel.
I'm not sure the editors truly understood the vileness of Bueno Excellente when they went over Garth's scripts.
If you're one of those people who choose to believe the world is the way they want the world to be instead of relying on the evidence of what the world really is all around you, you might try to convince me that I have no idea whether or not Bueno Excellente is jerking off. But then I'd either point out the motion lines and his body language and all the evidence of his first appearance last issue or I would simply walk away and never talk to you again because speaking with you is basically the same as conversing with a bowl of banana pudding. Actually worse because at least the bowl of banana pudding smells nice.
The first thing Sixpack does is disembowel a violent Gotham criminal with a broken bottle. This is the guy Sean and the others down at Noonan's don't take seriously?! He's a fucking maniac! I mean that in the figurative way because he's so violent and not in the literal way which of course he is as well. The whole team is mentally ill and deranged which is why they're called Section Eight. And they're not the online kind of mentally ill which results in compassionate hugs from strangers and, for some reason, a dwindling number of usable spoons! These guys are Garth Ennis mentally ill.
The first thing Sixpack does is disembowel a violent Gotham criminal with a broken bottle. This is the guy Sean and the others down at Noonan's don't take seriously?! He's a fucking maniac! I mean that in the figurative way because he's so violent and not in the literal way which of course he is as well. The whole team is mentally ill and deranged which is why they're called Section Eight. And they're not the online kind of mentally ill which results in compassionate hugs from strangers and, for some reason, a dwindling number of usable spoons! These guys are Garth Ennis mentally ill.
Canonically, Batman has to know about these guys. And he just lets them do their thing.
Mawzir's so confused by these oddballs that he can only stare. Or he's afraid to turn his back on Etrigan. Maybe a lot of both of those.
The first member of Section Eight to be killed is Shakes because he's trying to call Sixpack a cunt and it wouldn't do to have him finish that stuttered word on-panel (even though we've already seen Bueno desecrating a church wall (except it was unconsecrated by Etrigan so I guess it's okay. Better than jerking off on a library wall, I suppose)). Shakes is killed by Friendly Fire which is somehow a surprise to Friendly Fire. Does he think that one day that won't happen? If he truly thought that, he'd change his name, right? Or does his mental well-being cause him to believe that his name means he's a friend who fires on enemies?
Oh, speaking of Bueno Excellente, Sixpack reveals his powers during the fight.
The first member of Section Eight to be killed is Shakes because he's trying to call Sixpack a cunt and it wouldn't do to have him finish that stuttered word on-panel (even though we've already seen Bueno desecrating a church wall (except it was unconsecrated by Etrigan so I guess it's okay. Better than jerking off on a library wall, I suppose)). Shakes is killed by Friendly Fire which is somehow a surprise to Friendly Fire. Does he think that one day that won't happen? If he truly thought that, he'd change his name, right? Or does his mental well-being cause him to believe that his name means he's a friend who fires on enemies?
Oh, speaking of Bueno Excellente, Sixpack reveals his powers during the fight.
Okay. That's enough explaining. We don't need to get into the weeds about the difference between "perversion" and "sexual assault".
No wait. I think we do. The follow-up panel for the ones I scanned above must be documented. It has to be documented because I need to know what Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler were thinking when they let this bit of John McCrea art pass into the hands of DC Comics' fans. It's the most disturbing piece of art in the history of DC Comics! Some banana puddings might argue that the panel doesn't actually show anything. But the whole point of the panel is the framing of it! This panel at the top of the page, cut off by further action panels underneath, is screaming, "There is a guy bent over in front of Bueno Excellente who just learned what it feels like to have a Twinkie explode inside of your butthole!" How were Peter and Dan not fired? How have they not gone down in history as being the worst editors to ever work at DC?! No wonder Peter Tomasi wrote a comic book for The New 52 where a twelve year old couldn't get enough of decapitating people!
Anyway, here's the panel which despite all of my arguing that it should never have appeared in a mainstream DC Comic book, I absolutely love and approve of!
Anyway, here's the panel which despite all of my arguing that it should never have appeared in a mainstream DC Comic book, I absolutely love and approve of!
Fucking McCrea. You Goddamned legend.
After Bueno finishes his act of justice, Mawzir decides he's had enough. He tosses a bomb into Section Eight's midst and puts an end to the team. I don't know how many died in the explosion but maybe all of them except Sixpack and Bueno?
The blast also breaks a hole into the crypt so it looks like Tommy's time has just run out. Which is also when Baytor shows up having ridden along with Etrigan out of hell inside Etrigan's cloak. Or something. Perhaps, judging by Baytor's shape, he just stowed away inside of Etrigan's foreskin. Etrigan chastises Baytor because Etrigan is hiding other important things inside of his penis too. I guess he's hinting at the Ace of Winchesters which Tommy might think twice about touching now that it's been revealed that it's covered in Hell's dickcheese. But also revealed is that Baytor probably has the rifle now. That's revealed in the same way that it was revealed that Bueno jerked off and that Bueno anally raped a guy during the battle. Not directly but anybody with a skull that wasn't full of banana pudding could figure out from all the context.
That's kind of the biggest problem with most people, isn't it? They just don't get context. Or they ignore it. Or they were told their entire lives by a society steeped in rules and religions that context doesn't matter at all. It is foundational rules which you must follow without question that matter!
Although I'm wrong in this instance which is fine! It's fine to be wrong! Wrong just means you were thinking about things before those things ultimately resolved. So at least some thinking other than "These Vanilla Wafers sure do feel nice inside of me!" is a good thing! Even if you're wrong. Also, as long as you can admit you were wrong later and accept it rather than doubling down on your idiocy and wrongness!
The blast also breaks a hole into the crypt so it looks like Tommy's time has just run out. Which is also when Baytor shows up having ridden along with Etrigan out of hell inside Etrigan's cloak. Or something. Perhaps, judging by Baytor's shape, he just stowed away inside of Etrigan's foreskin. Etrigan chastises Baytor because Etrigan is hiding other important things inside of his penis too. I guess he's hinting at the Ace of Winchesters which Tommy might think twice about touching now that it's been revealed that it's covered in Hell's dickcheese. But also revealed is that Baytor probably has the rifle now. That's revealed in the same way that it was revealed that Bueno jerked off and that Bueno anally raped a guy during the battle. Not directly but anybody with a skull that wasn't full of banana pudding could figure out from all the context.
That's kind of the biggest problem with most people, isn't it? They just don't get context. Or they ignore it. Or they were told their entire lives by a society steeped in rules and religions that context doesn't matter at all. It is foundational rules which you must follow without question that matter!
Although I'm wrong in this instance which is fine! It's fine to be wrong! Wrong just means you were thinking about things before those things ultimately resolved. So at least some thinking other than "These Vanilla Wafers sure do feel nice inside of me!" is a good thing! Even if you're wrong. Also, as long as you can admit you were wrong later and accept it rather than doubling down on your idiocy and wrongness!
Oh! Baytor probably has the bullets! Is that me doubling down on my idiocy?! No way! I never do that!
The Ranking!
Come on! Bueno Excellente shines in this issue! How was he not the greatest comic book character of 1997?! How did Bueno not lead directly to an Eisner for both Ennis and McCrea?! Where is the justice in this world?!
Come on! Bueno Excellente shines in this issue! How was he not the greatest comic book character of 1997?! How did Bueno not lead directly to an Eisner for both Ennis and McCrea?! Where is the justice in this world?!
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