Gotham by Midnight #12

The orgy from last issue's cover has gone horribly awry.

At the end of the last issue, The Spectre was about to get laid. It's about time. That angry asshole has really needed it. But who wants to fuck an angry asshole, right? That's why they get angrier and angrier until their testosterone builds up to lethal levels and they go on a shooting rampage. That isn't a joke. It would be a pretty shitty joke if it was! Angry assholes who can't get laid and somehow think they're nice guys are the most dangerous people in America (after cops (who might also be angry assholes who aren't getting any sex)). America would be much safer with a well-regulated sex industry and a softening of the stigma of "having to pay for it." What's wrong with paying for sex anyway?! It's not like guys who see women as objects are going to stop seeing women as objects because other people tell them it's wrong to do so. It's better they have sex with a professional who only has to deal with them between payment and coming than have them harassing amateur objects in bars and clubs and libraries and on the street and in coffee shops. Why would any guy who sees women as objects want to spend any time wooing an object anyway? No wonder they're so angry! If I knew I had to somehow charm my torch lamp by convincing it I wasn't the insane monster I really was just to get it to light up my room every single day, I'd get more and more pissed, week after week! Stupid torch lamp! I control you! You have to do what I want by giving me what I need!

Also have they not heard of masturbation? It's great! Now I want to read a comic book where The Phantom Stranger walks in on The Spectre jerking off.

Inappropriate! Because now I'm going to wank to a picture of a sexy nun.

I guess in comic books, even nuns need to be sexy. Especially if they want a nice guy to consider them as an object! What do women who can't get laid do when their efforts fail? Do they suck it up and go home with the homely guy in the cape with the dice bag attached to his belt? Or do they just call it a night and write in their diary about all of the guys who would have gotten their brains fucked out if they hadn't been complete assholes masquerading as nice guys? "Dear Diary. I met a guy tonight whose face could have totally been converted into a vagina rest if he'd simply bought me a drink and begun a conversation instead of asking if I'd buy him a drink and then railing about how unfair it was that men always had to buy the free drinks and then never get anything in return for their minimal efforts at getting to know a stranger. He might as well have been wearing a badge that read 'I am lousy at sex!' Was that seriously his game or did his game just go off the rails right from the start? Oh Diary. I wish you had a penis! Oh? You do? It's in the nightstand?! You smooth talker you!"

Here's an exciting twist that happens in this story: Commissioner Batman's Honey Bunny Bat Armor locks up! Wow! That's never not happened before! Seriously. It's never not yet happened. In other non-double negative words, it always fucking happens. Always. Every time. The Honey Bunny Bat Armor is an utter failure and should be retired immediately before Commissioner Gordon is killed not by a super villain but by a simple malfunction.

Sister Justine, the Nun of the Narrows, calms the Spectre down enough for Jim Corrigan to clear his head and realize what's going on. Gotham broke its truce with Angry Mister Toad and it's come back to say, "Hey. White guys? Could you maybe--just, you know, one time?--keep your fucking word? I mean, I understand it's hard to not do whatever you want to fulfill your own desires no matter what the cost to other people. But, like, when you say one thing and do five thousand others that completely disregard the one thing you said you'd do? Kind of hurtful, man."

Drake has become maudlin.

The Spectre declares that Gotham is sick and cannot be cured. Good thing Bruce Wayne isn't around to hear this declaration! He'd punch The Spectre in the face until Gotham was healed. Sister Justine asks, "What do you do with the sick?" Um. You say, "I see that you are sick and I acknowledge your sickness. Now please go in the other room where I don't have to look at you"?

The Spectre's answer is that you comfort them. Isn't that what I just said? Wasn't what I said you say comforting? Should I rethink my bedside manner?

Corrigan's answer is to ask Angry Mister Toad for forgiveness and to never forget the unjust dead. Sure. Like that'll happen. I give Gotham one more week before Angry Mister Toad is back bitching about the truce being broken. Again!

So basically Corrigan could have just played "Message in a Bottle" on some loudspeakers and everything would have worked out just fine?

The issue ends with the sun finally rising up over Gotham for the first time in 75 years. Hooray! Is it now time for a sexy Nun of the Narrows monthly?

Gotham by Midnight #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. The ending was a little bit cheesy but I've got to put aside the cynicism and appreciate some things sometimes, don't I? Due to the cancellation, the story felt like it didn't have as much time as it needed to wrap things up. The whole bit with Jim killing the cops was obviously going to go in another direction. But now the Gotham Police have to live with Corrigan getting away with a double homicide because he just saved the city. Commissioner Batman pointed out it was their fault anyway, right? Plus at one point last issue, I think somebody said to call the governor? That was probably to pardon Corrigan for the cop killings. The part where everybody in Gotham was now possessed by an angry spirit had better come back to haunt The Spectre because that's just fucking creepy. Just because The Spectre made the deal with Angry Mister Toad doesn't mean every citizen of Gotham agreed to it! Get this dead person out of my heart! There's no room in there because it's filled up with cats!

Seriously though. Overall this has been an entertaining series that has always looked great, even after the change in artists. DC could do worse than fifty monthly series of this quality. No, wait. DC is doing that already. I mean to say DC would be lucky to have every book be as good as this was. Was that better?

Gotham by Midnight #10

I've seen this porno.

Hello! My name is Grunion Guy and I'm a huge pussy who masturbates while listening to Bon Jovi! His music is so good! It's like if a woman could play a guitar with her vagina! I'm learning a lesson right now about how I shouldn't assume food in the fridge that isn't labeled doesn't belong to Death Rock at all! Right now I'm probably thinking, "Being able to breathe underwater is the worst super power in the world when you've been strapped down with your face dunked in a toilet bowl just recently destroyed by Death Rock's angry bowels!" Right now I'm probably thinking, "I hope Death Rock's horribly liquid shits can supply the proper oxygenation of water so that I don't suffocate in this toilet bowl!" Right now I'm probably thinking, "Eating the last piece of Nice Alice's carrot cake wasn't worth this at all!"

Actually, that fucking turd better not be thinking that! Nice Alice's carrot cake is worth any amount of suffering!

If you're an Ed Sheeran fan, you may not have noticed that Grunion Guy's tone has changed. That's because this is fucking Death Rock and I'm taking over his pansy-ass website. Hmm, I notice he posts this shit to Tumblr so maybe I should clarify something that y'all probably thought was a compliment: a woman playing a guitar with her vagina doesn't fucking rock. It's the opposite of rocking which is sucking. Those are fucking antonyms, right?!

Apparently this fat fuck reads comic books when he's not fucking the crease between his mattresses. And not even good comic books like Heavy Metal or Barely Legal the Comic Book. Oh man, that should be a comic book if it isn't a comic book. Plus it should just be photos and not artists. And no writers because I don't have time to read when I have a raging boner. Although let's be serious. Who can get a fucking hard-on while reading Barely Legal? I need some fucking experience on my women! I need a woman that looks used! I want to see a woman who you know blew every member of Slayer, held the semen in her mouth, and then spit it all in Jani Lane's face. Hmm, I shouldn't talk ill of the dead when they went out like a fucking rock star with their veins full of booze. The day he died was probably the single most rocking day of Jani Lane's life! But seriously. I need a woman that looks like she's fallen off the back of a motorcycle once or twice! I look in a copy of Barely Legal and I'm thinking, "Go to fucking college! Bang your way to a degree! Read some fucking Steinbeck so you have something to talk about after you've licked out my asshole!"

I probably shouldn't make fucking assumptions about women who do naked modeling at eighteen. I don't want to seem fucking sexist! I'm a modern guy! I own a blazer that goes with leather pants! I watch that British show with Nice Alice! You know the one! It's like Beverly Hills 90210 but with butlers and maids and shit. Okay, maybe I don't pay that much attention to it but I do fucking sit on the couch with Alice as she watches it because I know she's into that shit. And then she'll sit through The Great British Bake Off with me. That show is fucking metal.

Come to think of it, there's a lot of fucking shit I've been having to deal with this century! Did you know you can't call stupid people "retards" anymore?! What the fuck is up with that bullshit? Look. If I ever saw some Jovi Lover calling a bunch of mentally retarded people "retards," I'd introduce them to Bo and Luke Duke real quick. That ain't cool. But when you run into some average Joe fucking up your day with his inability to put together a coherent thought, y'all expect me to say some shit like, "Sir, your ability to think logically is retarded in the strict dictionary sense of the word 'retarded.'" Fuck no. I just shorthand that shit to "retarded"! But no! Now I'm the worst! But if I beat some asshole near to death for calling somebody else retarded, I'm a national hero!

You know what? I'm all turned around on the retarded thing! I should moisturize Bo and Luke here so they're ready to lay a beatdown on some people using language incorrectly! I'll be a fucking hero! "Man-Everybody-Wants-To-Fuck Buff Hero Death Rock Ends All Abuse of Language Forever!" It'll be some article about how every time somebody Tweets some word that makes holier-than-thou assholes cringe, Death Rock tracks the Tweeter down and beats some sense into them! I mean fuck it! We all know the only word you ever need to point out somebody is an asshole is "Jovi Fan." How many more insults do you need? That expresses it all! I'm all for that shit right there. Besides, I figure I can clean up my act and still rock motherfucking hard! I stopped calling lame stuff gay a long time ago. That wasn't so hard though because "Jovi Fan" really expresses lame way better than "gay." Hell, homosexuals are less lame than most prudish, uptight white middle class people (also known as "Jovi Fans").

Nice Alice likes to say she's rubbing off on me but I think she only says that because it makes me horny. She still cringes at about 80% of the shit I say even when I'm trying to be sociable. Like, she'd read all the shit I just fucking wrote and say something like, "Oh Deathy! I suppose at least you're trying." Then she'd sigh really long and loudly to show that she doesn't really think I'm trying as hard as I fucking could but it would only make me horny. Nice Alice is always going on and on about how words literally cause rape and violence. I just let it go because I realize she's an alien and probably doesn't actually know what literally means.

Look at this! A comic book that totally kicks ass!

I think spending so much time around Nice Alice has changed me. I'm nowhere close to as angry as I once was. I don't mean she's fucking influenced me with emotional pleas and rational arguments. See, she emits a "niceness field" that's like a drug which calms everybody down and turns the most violent situations into huggy hippie lovefests. I think spending so much time up in her has made me about 10% Jovi Fan! Sure, it sounds like I still have a lot of stubborn rough edges because--let's face it--most people are still assholes that need, on occasion, to have a tooth knocked out by the good ol' boys (you know! Bo and Luke Duke! My fucking fists!). Back in the old days, if somebody would have whined at me that I was being inconsiderate, I would have punched them in the fucking stomach just so they knew exactly how inconsiderate I could be. I still think some people need some of that shit for fucking comparison. Although you have to admire how awful a lot of people who claim to be good people truly fucking are. I've seen people in moshpits who just had their noses bloodied and broken not go after the culprit as hard and fucking metal as some of these righteous people on the internet go after somebody who once made a poor choice of words! Fuckers can teach some old school bullies some lessons! Pussies today are fucking hard, man. Ain't no Jovi Fans out there fighting for their...well, fuck if I know what they're fighting for. If I had to guess, I'd say they're fighting to feel some kind of power in a world where everybody is increasingly losing their power in every aspect of their lives. But then that's the classic method of creating a bully, right? "My father fucking beats my ass so I'm going to find some dick who looked at me funny or said 'faggot' on Twitter and I'm going to ruin them!"

People today don't want to engage anybody in any kind of conversation because they're so obviously right about everything in their own minds that it's easier to just shut somebody up by any means necessary. I can't say I blame the fuckers. That's what I fucking did my whole life. You fuck with me and I'm not going to discuss it with you. I'm just going to introduce you to Bo Duke and be done with it. Then you'll fucking think twice the next time you open your fucking Jovi mouth. Fear is a wonderful thing, you know?! So much easier to scare the shit out of people so they act appropriately rather than convincing them to do it for the right reasons. It's also so much quicker. My fists have done wonders for my sanity!

Another reason my fists got such a fucking work out over the years? People fucking criticizing me! If they criticized me, they were automatically assholes and deserved a fucking black eye. Who needs to learn and grow when you're already right, you know?! Fuck 'em all! Act the way I want and everything will be cool. Step out of line and KAPOW! Time to visit the dentist if not the fucking morgue.

What kind of weird shit is Grunion Guy reading? Maybe he's not as soft rock as I thought. This is creepy as fuck.

I should probably go let that fuck out of the toilet now. Getting soft, I fucking tell you. Smiling too much for all the wrong reasons. Fucking Alice. Fucking Alice ruined me! But I guess I'm not complaining. I might be a Jovi Fan but I'm realizing that I like being fucking happy more than I like being angry. Which is why Grunion Guy had to be punished for eating the last fucking piece of carrot cake. That shit makes me pretty fucking happy. I'm also getting a fucking gut. Gonna be as fat as Grunion Guy soon if Alice has her way. And I don't even care! Fucking Jovi Fan is right. I mean, the soundtrack to Young Guns II kind of rocked, right?

Gotham By Midnight #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Did I even fucking review this? What happened? Don't read this review.

Gotham By Midnight #9

Good night!

Detective Rook of Internal Affairs has finally decided that busting The Midnight Shift (aka The Spooky Files) for spending police funds on personal items wasn't going to be enough. Now it's time to shut the whole thing down because they're getting too close to the truth. At least that's why The X-Files were shut down. At first The Smoking Man and his government cronies were all, "Mulder is the only real threat to our schemes! Let's send him into the basement where we stash our porn and extra pencils so he'll be too distracted to stop us! And why don't we send that red head with the shoulder pads down there to scoff at everything he believes. That should totally piss him off!" But then Mulder began to get too close to their schemes while hunting chupacabras and Bigfoots and swarms of bees. So The Smoking Man was all, "Shut it down! Fire him! Give Shoulder Pads cancer! Clean it up and tear it all down!" But then fifteen years later, Mulder was all, "You can't keep us down! The truth will be known in a limited run story arc that will hopefully acknowledge that Californication was my life in the Witness Protection Program!" And Scully was all, "I hope this limited series will raise some interest in A Cock And Bull Story, available at local movie rental places and Netflix! Also check me out in Bleak House! And have you nerds noticed I just keep getting more and more attractive the older I get?!"

What was I talking about? The Spooky Files being shut down, right? Yeah, so that's happening now.

Sergeants Casimiro and Palmer have Corrigan in the interrogation room and they're ready to give him a non-paranormal case of what-for. Of course that won't work because he's super paranormal. They'll be lucky if they don't wind up damned to hell after this interrogation.

Meanwhile Detective Rook has his men tearing apart The Spooky Files Headquarters while Ms. Manhunter keeps him and his people in line.

Grand larceny? Pedophilia with intent to pedophile? Resisting arrest? More illogical things that they obviously wouldn't be arrested for?

Sergeant Palmer tries to pin all of the corpses associated with Corrigan's cases on Corrigan. But Corrigan is all, "I didn't do it! It wasn't me! I didn't kill any of those people or destroy Arkham or express God's wrath in any way!" But Palmer is all, "Tell that to their mothers!" Or something. That sounds like something an Internal Affairs prick would say. I suppose Corrigan can't get out of trouble by letting The Spectre leak out of his eyes as proof that he isn't to blame because then he'll just have two more corpses that will be blamed on him.

Meanwhile Doctor Tarr continues to investigate the Black Flowers. He declares that they're signs from some creature trying to help The Spooky Files to find the locations where evil will express itself within Gotham. Maybe they're from Black Orchid. Does she poop black flowers? What are her powers again? Does anybody actually know?

Detective Drake's interrogation goes sideways as she suddenly feels the need to scream. Black flowers begin growing on the door of Corrigan's interrogation room. And then God's wrath begins to awaken! Internal Affairs is about to solve their mystery!

Because God works in mysterious ways. Duh!

Then Detective Drake screams and somebody is royally screwed. I hope it's her slacker boyfriend. She really needs to be single so I can moon over her. Who am I kidding? She's C-list mooning material at best! I mean she's attractive enough but she's still a cop. And a banshee. I may be into dangerous fictional women like Vampire Tig but I'm not stupid. A banshee cop? Forget it! That's taking too much of a risk even for me.

Sergeant Casimiro threatens to ruin everybody working for The Spooky Files and that's the final straw. The Spectre pops out and points a single claw at Casimiro while Drake lies on the floor wailing away in the other interrogation room. Somebody is about to die and/or shit their pants for the first time as an adult.

Mystery solved! Also those two extra corpses on Corrigan's arrest warrant I mentioned earlier.

Why has this comic book been cancelled? It's chock full of Old Testament and that thing is pretty popular! I guess it doesn't have enough vague messages that can be read as God hating homosexuals.

Speaking of The Old Testament, I take issue with the bit about Onan being a reason for the Catholic Church's condemnation of birth control. That story isn't about Onan breaking "natural laws" by pulling out during sex. It only means that if you want it to mean that because your church Dogma has told you that it means that because they want people of their faith to have as many children as possible who will likely be brainwashed into their faith. No, the real reason God is displeased with Onan is because he breaks a contract where he stated he would give his brother's wife children so he could bang her. The story isn't about sex at all! It's simply about contract law!

Before The Spectre goes back into Corrigan's head, Corrigan asks it a question and receives the wrong answer.

Whoops! I guess Jim Corrigan is God?

Gotham by Midnight #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. Can I be speechless? Am I allowed, as a comic book reviewer, to be speechless? Well, fuck you. I'm speechless. It began in that panel where The Spectre emerged and pointed at Casimiro and then just kept happening until sometime past now. I don't know when it ended because it hasn't yet. Still speechless. Never you mind all the words I typed between the statements that I'm speechless. I'm speechless, Goddammit!

Gotham By Midnight #8

This Satanist just realized he carved a Star of David into his chest instead of a pentagram.

I have to say that when I began this blog, I didn't set out to be called a "pretentious fuck" but when it happened, it really felt good! Somebody thought mommy's little boy was "pretentious"! I'm true city folk now! Although the same person gave me some advice to "get off my own dick" and stop calling myself a genius. That's crappy advice because that's my whole shtick! I tell masturbation stories and write dick jokes about super hero comic books and proclaim I'm a genius! That's the whole joke! Right there! I'd like to think I've cultivated it into something more than can be summarized in one simple sentence after nearly 2500 blog entries but...well...who am I kidding? That's about it!

But "pretentious"?! I wish Grandma and Grandpa were alive to see this day! Now I'm all puffed up like that bird that puffs up its chest and has like a weird bare spot on it and looks super silly? Is that a quail? Maybe I'm thinking of a frog.

Anyway, enough about me (even if this blog is really all about me), let's see what spooky things are happening in The Spooky Files!

Well fuck that! I hate being tested! I can barely even stand my friends who love to play Devil's Advocate!

This is why I live in Portland, Oregon. Because nobody hands out tests out here! Unless it's the test about how artistic you are. Except even that test is too much of a test because at least 75% of the people who have moved to Portland in the last five years did it so that they would be considered "artsy" without actually having to put any effort into it. Some people say that Portland doesn't have enough jobs to support the influx of young people who don't actually want to work anyway, but I say phooey on that! I guarantee there are enough brunch places in this town to support the influx of new people as long as they don't mind taking jobs bussing tables or waiting on white customers indignant about everything.

Don't mistake "artistic" in the context of Portland as "having talent or ability to produce works of art." No, art in Portland is all about thinking up extroverted ways to express a simple idea. No grand paintings will ever be produced in this city. But you might stumble across a recliner facing a television hooked up to an original Nintendo gaming system set up on the median in the middle of some busy thoroughfare. I bet that installation garnered a whole bunch of high fives and envious looks from that artist's group of friends!

Although sometimes the art a person is appreciating is just a bunch of stuff left out in front of somebody's house from which the "FREE" sign blew away.

Why do comic books believe that huge televisions in crowded areas blaring the sound out among the populace is something that actually happens. Wait. Is it something that actually happens? Is this how Time Square works? That would be so annoying to anybody living in an apartment nearby!

Everybody in Gotham goes crazy and they begin brawling. See? That's what happens when you scream the fucking news at everybody just trying to go about their lives. I hope rent in the apartments just above that huge television is free.

Kate Spencer (Manhunter for those of you missing out on the whole "Predators and Prey" overlay while Kate stares down a tiger) is meeting with Sergeant Rook at the Gotham Zoo. It's the best place to meet for clandestine meetings. How come "Clandestine" hasn't become a popular baby name yet? Is it because people having children are actually a little smarter than I ever give them credit for being?

I was almost a father once! My sweet girl, Astird, would have been born on October 23rd, 2009, if Jesus hadn't aborted her the same week that the Non-Certified Spouse and I discovered the news. I didn't even have enough time to learn to love my little girl before drunkenly celebrating Jesus's choice to perform a miraculous spontaneous abortion! Praise god! He truly does work in mysterious ways!

Sergeant Rook isn't happy with The Spooky Files. At first he was just investigating their expense reports but then Corrigan almost got him killed while getting drunk at a bar, so now he doesn't just want to shut them down. He wants them all arrested! Why can't this guy just leave well enough alone? Doesn't he know Rooks are expendable?!

Of course Detective Drake is dating a slacker! I bet Pete's the type of guy who pulls out an acoustic guitar at parties and just noodles around with it. Is that a thing? Noodling a guitar?

Corrigan meets Doctor Tarr at the scene of the riot and discovers that the GNN Broadcast is behind the outbreak of violence. I knew it! It's always the media's fault! They think they're so important! They believe they're keeping people informed while they're really chaining people to false narratives and altered realities! The world would be so much better without news channels. I'd rather people get their news from a distant cousin's rabid, misinformed email rants! At least then they'd realize the source of their news was psychotic as opposed to how they all think news sources are somehow trustworthy now. The media is hurting science the most. Because the media plays this game where they try to balance an issue and show both sides of every topic, the audience loses any kind of sense that one side is actually more correct than the other side. Arguments aren't perfectly balanced. Sometimes one side is just completely super-bonkers wrong! If the media really wanted to be as important as they think they are, they'd do research to actually determine that the side disputing scientific facts were actually ignorant bastards with an agenda and refuse to put that bullshit out there as somehow equal to actual scientific fact. Fuck the media! And not just this crazy GNN outlet causing violence outburts in Gotham! Fuck 'em all! CNN. Fox News. NPR. All of them! Except maybe the BBC's news broadcasts. But they're so dispassionately neutral that they don't hold anybody's interests. They could at least throw in a few viral videos of kittens playing, for Christ's sake.

Corrigan and Tarr arrive at GNN to find lots of dead people. They also find the newscasters, Brooke and Walker, arguing about which one is the bigger news-whore. Jim almost releases the Spectre but Doctor Tarr shoves him out of the studio to deal with the problem himself. It's too bad The Spectre is such a huge prick that he can't be relied upon to solve any problem in Gotham. He might get a cat out of a tree but he's going to judge every fucker on the block as a sinner and send them to hell. But, I guess, at least the kitten would be safe.

It doesn't take Doctor Tarr long to learn the secret chemistry between Brooke and Walker.

Awesome! Now I'm going to picture this happening beneath the desk of all the local news reporters!

It turns out the two newscasters sold their souls to be super popular. So this was really about Sean Hannity, wasn't it?! Anyway, Brooke kills Walker and then dies because it's not a good idea to kill a person you're inextricably linked to physically.

When Tarr exits the studio, he discovers more of the Black Flowers all around Corrigan. He points out that they usually appear around paranormal threats and demonic dangers. Tarr declares he thinks he knows what they mean but doesn't say much about it because Corrigan could be part of the problem. The team head back to The Spooky Files headquarters to find Internal Affairs searching the place and Rook waiting to arrest Corrigan. That will probably wind up being a huge mistake.

Gotham By Midnight #8 Rating: No change. I feel like everything is coming together nicely this issue. The characters are opening up and expanding, the current paranormal problems are converging into a bigger threat, and Internal Affairs is about to realize that Gordon has not been protecting The Midnight Shift from Internal Affairs but vice versa. I miss the truly creepy art of Templesmith on this title but I think Ferreyra is probably more reader friendly and also looks great. All said, this is a solid and intriguing title that will probably be cancelled fairly soon because it doesn't have Batman in it.

Gotham By Midnight Annual #1

When did the Ghost have scary robot spider legs installed?

This comic book is starting off on the wrong foot by allowing a Hawkman villain to guest star. He might fit the bill since he's a paranormal antagonist but he's also covered in New 52 Hawkman stink. Pee-yu! As far as I'm concerned, the Spooky Files should go after, and destroy, Hawkman. Leave the poor Jim Craddock alone!

The issue begins with a woman telling Jim Craddock that she would die for him. No no no. Never, ever tell anybody that you would die for them, especially if you suspect you're in a story. At least know that nobody in the world is worth dying for (at least not consciously and in a premeditated manner). I suppose it's okay if some kid is drowning and you jump in to save the kid and then drown yourself because you actually thought you were capable of being a hero even though that wound up not being true. And I suppose if you're old and possibly riddled with cancer and you have the chance to push a young, virile, smoking hot teenager out of the way of a speeding train even though you know you'll be killed, you can throw your life away for that person. But don't go telling people you're dating that you'd die for them just because they make you super happy in your crotch area. It's better to live a long life full of masturbation than throw your life away for the best fuck in the world. I think. Maybe it's not? I mean, how good a fuck are we talking? I suppose if I found myself at forty-three and still a virgin (totally hypothetical situation, of course!), I might trade my life for the best fuck in the world. Although I might get scammed and only be given a thoroughly mediocre fuck because how would I know it gets better than that? Asshole imaginary scam artists!

Jim Corrigan and Detective Lisa "Not Dinah At All Apparently" Drake crash the imminent make-out session because they also don't believe in people making such grand declarations of love simply because a guy turns your pussy into a slobbering maniac. Detective Drake chases Jim through some walls (she has to go around) while Jim lets the woman down easy.

"He's a thief who never loved you! Boom!"

Jim Craddock gets away from Detective Drake by being super charming and/or creepy. But instead of just shrugging their shoulders and realizing they failed even though they did their best, Jim and Lisa decide to keep investigating the case. They're just full of stick-to-itiveness, aren't they? I realized I had to read yet another annual and I almost gave up reading comic books altogether!

How about neither? How about his intelligence and his brain and his ability to make logical connections between clues at a crime scene? No? Gut is better?

Detective Drake hangs out in the hospital with Eleanor, the woman who would die for the Gentleman Ghost, because Eleanor nearly died for the Gentleman Ghost. While waiting for Eleanor to wake up and give her some eerily obtuse clues, Lisa thinks about how her dog walker boyfriend never made her lady parts bloom like the Ghost did earlier. I guess the "Gentleman" part of his name is code for "Vagina Arsonist."

The Gentleman Ghost pays Corrigan a visit because that's what gentlemen do, right? They approach their rivals with class, shake their hands, and then threaten to obliterate them from existence. It's why I can never figure out the "man" part of being a man. Even shaking hands is too macho and confrontational for me! How come men aren't expected to grow up and just roll around in a tank full of kittens? I could do that! I'd be the best provider a family ever saw if that were the man's role in a family dynamic! I have to take my work vehicle in to get it worked on to pass the DEQ's smog test and I'm anxious and nervous and completely stressed out because I have to interact with other grownups. Plus what if they can't get the car fixed up to pass the test?! What if it becomes a huge, extended pain in my ass?! Why did my mother and father even bother to bring me into this world?!

Apparently the "Gentleman" part of his name is also code for "Have you ever been with a man? Do you want to?"

Gentleman Jim makes off with Eleanor's mystic necklace but he doesn't get far. Somehow Drake and Corrigan know exactly where he'll be and they ambush him to get the necklace back. The Gentleman Ghost surrenders and offers to tell them his story because this annual has way too many pages. Also, I think the whole point of this annual is to come up with a new mythology for The Gentleman Ghost. Unless it just rehashes the old one. Maybe I should read his Who's Who entry before finishing the annual.

Previously, the Gentleman Ghost was purportedly the ghost of a highway man which traveled through time and sought revenge on those who hanged him by stealing their family jewels. Or something. Now he's a ghost cursed by a witch to do her bidding. She is long dead but he still appears whenever the moon is in the night sky. The necklace was apparently a gift from his true love, the daughter of the witch and the reason he was killed and cursed. Although he's telling the story to buy himself some time so it's probably all untrue. Is he really a ghost?! Maybe he just used trickery and technology to run through walls and pool tables! The only part of his story that's probably true is the part about how charming and sexy he is.

The Ghost throws some drinks in Corrigan's face which doesn't seem polite at all. He steals the necklace and gets away. But The Spectre doesn't like having whisky thrown in his eyes so he decides to start judging any assholes he can find.

Asshole.

Jim Craddock, before he's banished by the Spectre, kept insisting that he wasn't a ghost. No, he was more of a spider monster demon gigolo. But now he's gone which is too bad because Detective Drake probably wanted to do it to him. Corrigan probably did too.

Gotham By Midnight Annual #1 Rating: I'm happy to note this was an annual in the traditional sense of annuals. It was a self-contained story with a guest artist and everything! The only problem was it didn't properly express the spookiness of the regular series which is totally dangerous! What if it gave enough of a taste to lure some people in and then they'll read the monthly and be super freaked out and die?! I almost typed "I hope DC knows what they're doing" and then remembered that they totally don't know what they're doing at all.

Gotham By Midnight #6

The Joker versus The Spectre. Has that ever happened?

This issue begins with the Midnight Shift mourning the loss of Justine the nun. I don't know why. She's with her husband now, right? They attend the funeral and, afterward, Jim Corrigan has the right attitude. "I hate funerals," he scowls. Damn right. Fuck funerals. I mean the usual funerals that we all eventually just get roped into because nobody wants to deal with all the bureaucracy of burial shit when they've just lost a loved one. At my grandmother's funeral (on my mother's side), the priest (or whatever. Fuck if I know anything about the nomenclature of church henchmen) gave his "eulogy" for her. Although he didn't know anything about her because who knows the last time she had any connection to any church in her city. I'm fairly certain she just slowly became an agnostic after many years of observing hatred and racism by other people in her church who professed to be Catholic. But this priest's eulogy was based on having Googled her name. Then he spoke about what her name meant and how it probably represented who she was. I'm still disappointed with myself that I didn't stand up and just tell him to shut the fuck up. Her family knew who she was and didn't need to say anything out loud to the other family in the room. The only person to get up to speak was a hyper-religious cousin whose only story of my grandmother was how when my grandmother was sick in the hospital and afraid of dying (she lived and later, eventually, died at home), this cousin convinced my grandmother to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior. So her entire story about my grandmother was how she, this cousin, used my grandmother's fear and desperation to tic off another name in the "Saved" column. Fucking piece of shit. I should have stood up and told her to shut the fuck up!

Funerals need some serious competition. Enough with this religious monopoly on death! I think I'm going to open up a paint gun arena where your loved one's ashes are mixed into paint ball pellets. Then the deceased's loved ones and friends can spend the day chasing each other around and shooting each other with their dead friend, sibling, mother, or son.

James wants to go raise a glass to Justine because everything makes James want to go raise a glass. He's such a stereotype. But instead the Midnight Shift has to go investigate some strange goings on at the Powers Corporation. Hey! That's where they designed the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!

All Rook cares about is getting the proper receipts! Document, document, document, people!

While everybody is pointing fingers at the Spectre and saying things like, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE!", James Corrigan decides he should clear all of the airs. So he's all, "You think I'm scary?! Drake is a fucking Banshee! She screams, somebody dies! So don't fucking jump out at her from the closet, you bozos!" I wonder if it's any scream or if it's a particular kind of wail? I wonder if she can do it any time she wants or if it's just somebody's impending death which makes her scream? I wish I had a Banshee scream! But only if you could choose the victim. I don't want one of those monkey paw banshee screams that is all, "So, you want somebody to die, do you? How about...your favorite porn star! Ah ha ha ha ha!"

Tarr, the guy that can speak Ancient Gibberish, has wandered into the church to chastise Jesus Christ. As if He cares! Some nerd is going to question His choices? Please! Jesus was crucified a virgin, man! You think it could get any worse than that?! Okay, so maybe he wasn't a virgin. It's not like The Bible talks about anything he was up to in his teens and his twenties. Those are prime years for putting your penis in other people's orifices! God was probably, "Okay son. You have this many years to do whatever you want and I promise I won't document any of it. Sure, some crackpots might come along and write about your life during those years but I'll make sure all that shit gets labeled as apocrypha, got it? Now go have fun because you are in for some wild shit when you get to your thirties!"

The team winds up at the Powers Corporation which reminds me I have those old Power Company books by Kurt Busiek to read which reminds me that Kurt Busiek came into my comic shop last Wednesday while I was buying comic books. He was busy talking with the owner so I didn't suck his dick at all. Although I probably owe him at least a handjob with a little ass play simply for writing Astro City.

This guy Jenner they meet at the Power Corporation says their new Powerwatch will sell "billions" by the end of the month. That guy is delusional. Who is buying all of these expensive watches?! I hope he isn't in charge of anything more important than bullshit press releases or human resources or this company is in trouble. The company might be in trouble anyway since a ghost is haunting it. And it's not a cute ghost that just creates cold spots and rocks rocking chairs. It's a ghost that screams and sprays blood and causes pieces of human hearts to materialize in the throats of employees. It's one of those ghosts that everybody is afraid of, even people who sometimes sing that they ain't afraid of them.

He probably had a stroke after the twentieth time hearing Jenner repeat that the Powerwatch will sell billions in a month. Even if everybody in the United States bought one of your stupid watches which most of them can't afford anyway, you'd still not even be close to selling your first billion, you dumb asshole! I have a headache!

While Jim investigates the clock on the wall which he saw in a vision earlier, it begins to bleed. Then the ghost appears and screams, "ALL HANDS". Then it writes "Return on investment" on the wall which is a dead giveaway that Jenner and the Powers Corporation killed the man from too much stress. Plus they forced him to take speed to stay awake for days on end because it's always beneficial to your overall product to have somebody with severe sleep deprivation on speed making crucial design decisions on an upcoming product. I bet he built in a button that zaps demons and another one that creates white noise to drown out the voices in your head and an application that translates the weird creature speaking nonsense in the corner of the room. Hmm, now I want that watch.

Meanwhile, Manhunter stops by with some hot DC Lawyer action for Lieutenant Weaver (I'm always surprised when I spell Lieutenant right on the first try!) and the Midnight Shift!.

They better have those Jeezly Crow receipts handy!

Gotham By Midnight #6 Rating: No change. This was like one of those episodes of The X-Files that you know is just padding the season with a so-so mystery but filling up some of the space around that mystery with information applicable to the overarching relationship between Fox and Dana. What I mean is, in general, it was probably forgettable but some of the scenes will be remembered but in the context where a person mentioning the scene will be all, "I don't remember if it happened during Interview with Jose Chung or Postmodern Prometheus?" Although it obviously wouldn't have happened during either of those because the person speaking would obviously have both of those episodes completely memorized!

Gotham By Midnight #5

Gotham by Midnight just sounds like a late night radio show.

Good evening, Gotham. How're we all doing on this surprisingly green night? Hopefully you've got a cold glass within reach and a warm body to lean against to get you through one more Gotham night. And this one's a weird one. If you're out there all alone, huddled under an old quilt while trying to remember if you locked the front door or, if you know you did, wondering if the lock would even hold against a mad, desperate intruder, try to take a little comfort that I'm there with you, Gotham. I'll be here all night taking your calls and answering your deepest, most profound midnight questions. But before I go to the phones, let's begin our night with a little Billie Holiday and "Gloomy Sunday."

"Good evening. Welcome to Gotham By Midnight. How can I drive away the darkness, caller?" "Well, Charlie, I think I might be going mad because there's an enormous white nipple pressed up against my apartment window!"

Caller, that is a problem some of us would love to have. That's a hard one to answer though because it's an ambiguous portent. If it's a female nipple, it represents life and charity and the pure love of motherhood. If it's a male nipple, it represents whatever the opposite of that is. Like death and greed and the tainted hate of fathersocks. See, socks are the opposite of a hood because they go on the opposite end of the body!

I hated the soft, soothing voice of Charlie so I couldn't help but slip back into my own voice. Besides, I wasn't going to be able to do that stupid radio shtick for the entire commentary!

Although the whole ambiguous nipple thing does fit in to the story since The Spectre is currently trying to decide if he's going to give mother's nipple or father's nipple to Gotham. It depends on how racist the DC Universe's God is. Does he think the native people slaughtered by the founders of Gotham have a case? I mean, Gotham only named the swamps around the city Slaughter Swamp. It's not like they were even trying to hide the city's foundation on genocide! I suppose The Spectre really just has to decide if he's punishing the right people. Obviously the natives of this land have a case! But should The Spectre punish the modern day citizens for the sins of their fathers' nipples? If The Spectre were the judgment of our Christian/Jewish/Muslim God (He is the same God, so why not lump them all together, right?), he'd definitely punish them. The God of the Book really just loved dishing out punishments and he didn't fucking care at all if he was punishing the right person. Fuck, he punished all women forever with childbirth because Eve ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! And he punished all men forever with, um, having to watch the women endure the pain of childbirth because Adam ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! He even punished all serpents with quadriplegia because one serpent couldn't resist a good practical joke. That Guy was a dick.

While The Spectre plays Godzilla to the Ghost of Apache Chief's Other Godzilla, Tarr and Drake break into the bar to find Corrigan leaking green crap out of his face holes and Rook lying on the floor with no heart beat.

I wonder if Scott at Polite Dissent mentioned this use of the defibrillator? Hmm, no. His last post was last Easter!

Tarr and Drake had better hope that the defibrillator was free to use or that it doesn't save Rook's life because there is no way in hell that Rook is going to have the Gotham Police Department pay for this Midnight Shift nonsense.

Corrigan doesn't become The Spectre. His body is just the container for The Spectre. But when The Spectre manifests, Jim does get to hang out inside The Spectre's head kind of like Jason Rusch hangs out in Madison Payne's head. Except less sexually exciting. I think. Maybe The Spectre spends 75% of his time thinking about judgment and 25% of his time thinking about big, fat cocks?

Sister Justine and that Weaver fellow arrive at Corrigan's drinking hole because the climax of a story is best when all the characters wind up in the same place. Especially when you only have about a dozen pages left to finish the story.

What's that other saying? No Rabbis in gloryholes? Look, I'm not saying either saying is true.

How do you find a kosher gloryhole in a sea of goy gloryholes? It's the one not covered in dickcheese.

Jokes are hard to make up! Especially when the premise doesn't even make any sense.

Drake screams like a person named Drake might scream so that Weaver doesn't shoot Corrigan in the face. That would probably just free The Spectre to find some other body to inhabit. Or maybe it would just keep inhabiting Corrigan's body because isn't Jim dead already?

And then The Jeezly Crow Batman arrives to save the Goddamned day!

Or to make things worse. One of those.

I'll never understand how The Batman is so anti-gun but he's pro-every-fucking-other-lethal-weapon in the whole entire universe. Pistols are bad. But boomerangs full of dynamite are peachy! Sniper rifle? No fucking way! Gatling guns attached to the Batmobile? Awesome! Shoulder mounted rocket propelled grenades? Hmm. I actually don't know if he'd be okay with those.

Batman fails to stop Ikkondrid the Giant Ghost Monster with his missiles because his name isn't on the cover. This is Jim's book, Bruce! You don't get to save the day when you're up against magic and religion. You should be saving citizens on the street so that nobody ever dies ever. Why can't you stop death, Bruce? You fucking failure.

Batman crashes his plane into the street and then ditches it like a drunk teenager smashing daddy's car into a tree on prom night. It's good to have a secret identity! Now when the police discover the hit and run, they'll be all, "We can't arrest anybody because this car is registered to The Batman. Dammit! Who the fuck down at the DMV keeps letting this guy register vehicles in costume?!"

Sister Justine is doing that thing Abraham did to try to save Sodom. "Hey, God? If there are like, forty righteous people, will you spare the city?" "Sure!" "How about thirty-five?" "Yeah, I guess." "So then you wouldn't mind going down as low as say...thirty?" "Why not?" "What about ten, God? Ten too little?" "Why the fuck did I choose you? Always gotta question my authority! Always fucking asking for more. You little bitch." At least Justine doesn't waste God's time and just cuts right to the chase and asks to save the city due to one pure soul.

In an earlier issue, Corrigan mentioned that Drake was some kind of creature or something. And since she screams, it makes sense that she's part Banshee. This issue after she screams, she mentions that since she screamed, somebody is going to die. And if there's one thing that Darby O'Gill and the Little People taught me before Dungeons and Dragons taught it to me, it's that when a Banshee screams, somebody fucking dies.

Everyone desperately wants to live so they're all trying to convince God or Jim or The Spectre to not judge Gotham. Because they all know what happens to Gotham if it's judged. Hoo boy, do they know. Out of all the arguments, Sister Justine hits upon one that God really loves. It's that one where an innocent person pays for everybody else's crime? Huge favorite! Taken from the Jewish loophole of the scapegoat, of course. And since Justine offers herself as a martyr in place of everybody in Gotham, God and The Spectre agree. And Ikkondrid the Monstrous Ghost Giant tentatively agrees. For now. Because it's something even if it's still only one life in exchange for thousands. Eventually, Ikky isn't going to feel satisfied and he's going to come back for an appeal.

Batman comes up to Jim and is all, "What the fuck?" And Jim is all, "I know, right?"

Gotham By Midnight #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Thanks for listening, Gotham. Now I'm going to slip out of this robe and slip into a nice, warm tub where I'll slip out of my skin and slip into another reality. Catch you on the underside, Gotham.

The Spooky Files #4

That's one nasty penis. Unless that's how they usually look and mine is deformed because mine is nothing like that thing!

Gotham has been inundated with spooky happenings lately and it's all up to the Midnight Shift to shut down the spookiness! They're spooky too but they're spooky in a good way even if they're treated like they're spooky in an embezzling kind of way by the other police task forces. Jim Corrigan is trying to hunt ghosts but his phone keeps ringing and it's Rook of Gotham Police Accounts Services and he's all, "You submitted this receipt last week, Jim, that says you ordered fifty deep dish pies from The Hellfire Club. Can you explain why we're paying for this?" And Jim is all, "You wouldn't understand! It's too spooky to discuss with you!" And Rook is all, "If you submit one more receipt for pizza parties or vats of holy water or refurbished Ouija boards,'m shutting you down, Corrigan!" And then Jim hangs up and he's all, "Nuts!"

That pretty much sums up Gotham By Midnight (aka The Spooky Files!).

"Tarr, so help me, if you submit a receipt for that weird glowing jar, I'm taking your badge!"

This issue begins with Corrigan and Rook getting to know each other better over fifteen shots of whisky. It's what cops do! They've got to let off some steam after a tough day of glaring and/or shooting at innocent people. What better way to do that then by killing themselves little by little with too much alcohol? I guess telling each other harrowing stories of their worst shifts is a better way of blowing off steam. That seems safer!

Except the kinds of stories Jim Corrigan likes to hear are Spooky Files! That can be just as dangerous.

This is how Corrigan explains putting his bar tabs on Midnight Shift's expense accounts.

The ghosts' attack on the bar forces Corrigan to turn into The Spectre. It's about time! I feel like I've been waiting three years to see the Spectre in action. He's really green and likes to use a lot of flowery language. Unless by flowery I meant biblically apocalyptic. Then he shoots green lightning out of his eyes and chokes the ghost. As he does, Tarr has a revelation about the ghosts. Children taken from their families and returned acculturated; death by smallpox; lives ruined by alcohol: the ghosts are the ghosts of the native people killed to make way for Gotham City. And they're a little annoyed with the way things went down, historically speaking.

It's about time! Wipe it off the map, Spectre!

Gotham By Midnight #4 Rating: No change. The Spectre is about to judge everybody in the city and, since it's Gotham, my guess is it will soon be just a smoking pit filled with salt. Unless Batman can save the day by swinging in and reminding The Spectre of his humanity. I think if I were living in Gotham, this might be my final night in the city. The murdering clowns and the wisecracking bank robbers I can deal with. But a massive green ghost judging me on behalf of a God I don't believe in battling a monstrous, angry ghost of the natives killed by the white settlers out for my blood when I just want to sit in my underwear and play on the Xbox? Fuck that. Metropolis, here I come!

The Spooky Files #3

Sister Justine's true face is composed of a cock, two vaginas, and a sphincter full of teeth.

If you are pregnant or have a heart condition or are pregnant with a baby with a heart condition, you should not read my commentary of The Spooky Files #3 because things are going to get quite spooky indeed. But first, I need to practice being the World's Greatest Detective by taking the third course in the Trixie Belden Course For World's Greatest Detectivating!

This course is titled "The Case of the Tricky Tattoos!" Since I live in Portland, Oregon, I bet I'll be pretty good at solving crimes involving tattoos and/or non-prescription glasses. Here is the case:

Trixie is investigating a robbery in which there are four suspects: Donna the Dip, Dapper Dave, Jailbird Joe, and Carol the Con. Where was the robbery? The 1940s?! Did somebody steal a thing that represents the 1940s that would be totally hilarious to people that grew up in the 1940s but since I didn't I can't think of any? Maybe a Zoot Suit? Or a Nazi? Anyway, Trixie has four clues to help her nab the culprit! If one of those clues is "They had a tattoo on their neck," that's my vote for the guilty party!

1. Three of the suspects are right-handed, and three of them have tattoos on the opposite wrist from the hand they write with. Wrist tattoos? Really? Those aren't hardcore! I think the fourth person is the thief!
2. Neither Dapper Dave nor Jailbird Joe has a tattoo on his left wrist, but both Jailbird Joe and Carol the Con have scars under their left eyes. How are these clues related to the crime? Are we just trying to figure out which suspect looks the most like a criminal? I don't even know what the crime was yet!
3. Donna the Dip writes with a different hand than Dapper Dave does. So what?!
4. The guilty suspect has no tattoos on either wrist. So arrest the person without any tattoos on their wrists then! What are you asking me for?!

Let me get this straight. Some place was robbed and the police just nabbed four people on the street who happened to have fishy nicknames. Then a witness came forth and said, "The thief didn't have any tattoos on their wrists." Then the cops went, "Duh! Which one could it be! Somebody get Trixie Belden over here!" Using my great deductive skills and impeccable logic, Jailbird Joe must be the thief because his nickname is "Jailbird"! Also he has a neck tattoo and the witness was all, "Yeah, yeah. That's totally the guy that stole all of those dildos. Also, Dapper Dave was the left handed one and since the trend in this town was to only put tattoos on the wrists of their non-dominant hand, Jailbird Joe should have had a tattoo, if he had a wrist tattoo at all, on his left wrist! That's when I shouted, "A-ha! Jailbird Joe! Your nickname is well earned, culprit!"

Okay, I made up the thing about the neck tattoo but the solution was Jailbird Joe so pretty soon I'm going to have The Batman's job!

That wasn't very spooky, was it? Let's get to the spooky stuff now. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Just kidding! That was like when the counselor at camp tells a scary story that doesn't really have a scary ending to it so he just kicks the fire into the face of the kids while screaming the last line of his story.

Camp Counselor: "AND THE MAN WITH THE HOOK WAS UNDER THE BED LICKING THE GIRL'S HAND AND NOW HE'S STANDING BEHIND YOU!" *KICK FLAMES BURNING SCREAMING*

Since smallpox was wiped out in the non-biological warfare vaults world, do kids still get vaccinated against it? I thought there was a cut off year between those of us with a smallpox scar on our arm where we were inoculated and those of you with clear, unblemished skin who will never run into one of your government sponsored alien hybrid clones one day.

The girl is attacked by her shadow and that's just the time Ray Fawkes and Ben Templesmith decide we should experience a flashback! Jerkos!

Just like Sister Justine had a flashback last issue, Drake gets a flashback this issue. It's about a time she was stoned out of her mind as she and a friend went to pick up some drugs and wound up in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Something about a drug deal turned into a cop killing initiation and possibly Matches Malone being involved. We'll return to that story later.

Rook continues to investigate the Midnight Shift because he's totally their Dana Scully and he's all, "This can't be what it seems!" and "Aliens aren't real; it was probably bears!" and "Please God, give us the faith and wisdom to understand the scientific reasons behind these supposedly supernatural events. Amen."

Back at the hospital, the shadow escapes from its source body!

Smallpox has become shadowborne!

I think Oral Herpes went shadowborne decades ago. I'm pretty sure you can catch it just be having somebody's shadow pass over you while your mouth is open.

Back in the flashback, Drake turns out to be not high at all and an also she's an undercover cop. She can also knock people down with her screams. When did Black Canary go back to her maiden name and join the Gotham Police Department? Does she have a sister? Maybe this is her evil shadow twin that left Black Canary when she began dating Condor because she was so disgusted by him.

Back in the present, Doctor Tarr stops the spreading epidemic by talking to the shadow in Weird Little Girlese.

Maybe it can join the team?

Back in the flashback, Corrigan was the cop in the trunk that Drake had to save by killing all of the drug dealers and totally blowing her cover. And Jim Corrigan knows more about her Supernatural Scream than she does. She's probably a banshee. But the flashback doesn't let the reader know her secrets because the point of the story was just to show how Drake and Corrigan met and became partners. Unless there was a different point to the story!

Back in the present, Drake removes the shadow from the girl using a flashlight to cut it away. The shadow disappears and the girl dies or falls into a coma or some other sad thing that makes Drake cry. Unless she was crying for some other reason!

This case was just another spooky case involving a general rise in spookiness in Gotham City. The city is under attack by spooky forces and only the Midnight Shift has what it takes to stop it!

Gotham By Midnight #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book is good and I love the art but it could definitely be spookier. Somebody needs to turn the Spooky Rating to 11. No, to 12! Turning the dial to 11 is so three or four decades ago!

The Spooky Files #2

The Spooky Files! Starring Moldy and Skulker!

I'm already feeling spooky just from this cover! Unless Jim Corrigan is palming the nun's pudenda. No wait. That's even spookier. I wish I could read this book with the lights off so I could get really scared but I don't want to go blind! Did you know you could go blind from reading in low levels of light? That's what my grandmother said and why would she lie to me? She loved me!

Did you know that Friday the 13th The Final Chapter (that's Part IV!) takes place the day after the third chapter which takes place the day after the second chapter which takes place five years after the first one? Which means that only the first and fourth parts, so far, take place in the year they were filmed. The other two take place in the future! And apparently only one, maybe two of them take place on Friday the 13th! I guess Jason Voorhees is one of those people that celebrate their birthday all week long.

Also, I knew that Corey Feldman was in The Final Chapter but I was surprised to see Crispin Hellion Glover in it! I'd completely forgotten about that. I like him a lot! He's a certified genius (certified by me and my money which I paid to go see him two nights in a row a few years ago and which also bought me three of his books). I bet you didn't know he has books! He has books! They're not what you'd expect though because you're boring and you expect boring things that bore me. Not you! I'm talking to that one person that I can't stand that's still fucking following me! You know you hate me and everything I say, so why are you still reading?!

Last issue, Internal Affairs of the Gotham Police Department were investigating The Spooky Files because they don't believe in general spookiness. They figured it had to be some kind of scam, running a department that was chasing ghosts and werewolves. But Sergeant Rook (unless he was a Lieutenant) learned at the end of the issue that spookiness is all around us! Especially when you wander out of a swamp and into a haunted schoolroom with possessed kids and demonic teachers! School was spooky enough with just cheerleaders and football players. I might have lost my mind completely if it was full of ghosts too!

You can tell this classroom is haunted because of the spooky lighting!

Rook begins evacuating the screaming children while Jim Corrigan prepares to fight the demon nun. Rook is new to the job so why does Corrigan give him the difficult task?!

Oh! Remember the spooky girls who only spoke in tongues? They start flipping the fuck out when Sister Justine, The Spooky Files' Resident Holy Person, enters the house to stick a tongue depressor on their souls. That sends her into a flashback or a reverie or a daydream about her past.

Her previous church was fucked up. I mean it was spooky! This comic book isn't rated mature enough to be called The Fucked Up Files.

Back in Slaughter Swamp, Rook has rescued all of the children except the monkey in the dunce cap. He should probably leave the monkey alone! I bet it's going to be trouble. At the very least, he might get splashed by demon brains when Jim Corrigan blows the creature's head off. Better to stay out in the swamp with the kids mumbling in tongues.

Jim Corrigan keeps resisting The Spectre's advances which means nobody's going to buy this comic book! They want to see great big green glow in the dark vengeance! They don't want to see Jim Corrigan playing MP3s of school bells which cause the Demon Teacher Nun to explode!

Actually, that was kind of cool. Not very spooky though. I would have been more scared if he did some kind of exorcism ritual with lots of Latin and lit candles and splashing holy water and...no, come to think of it, that shit is over! We've seen the crap out of that crap. One of the reasons Constantine's television show has been so boring is because he just recites Latin whenever he needs to beat back the forces of darkness. He should be using ghost busting phone apps!

Oh Rook! Stop being so Dana! "Oh, oh! There's a logical explanation! Silly to think aliens! Probably more like, um, bears!"

Now that all the missing children have been accounted for, Corrigan and his team need to figure out what's going on. Why are the kids still speaking a language that nobody can identify? What kind of possession is taking over religious figures? Why is Gotham constantly generating more and more spooky content?

Next issue, the investigation gets serious! Seriously spooky!

Gotham By Midnight #2 Rating: No change. I love the look of this comic book. I enjoy the dialogue. And I'm loving the setting of a small department barely getting by in the bureaucracy of the Gotham Police Department. It really is a mix of The Wire and The X-Files. And just like those shows, I think it's going to take a few more issues before things really get rolling and nobody will be able to put this thing down. At least those are my hopes and aspirations for this title. I hope it hasn't been cancelled already!

Batman Eternal #17

Is this the real cover or a 75th Anniversary of Batman cover?!

This issue begins three years ago because last issue ended with a resounding "Who the fuck is Deacon Blackfire?" from the readers. Well, this comic book is here to tell you who Deacon Blackfire is! Or who he was three years ago before he was sent to hell!

You know how religious figures always have to correct you when you call them by the wrong name? "Please, you don't have to call me Father. I'm not Catholic, you know." No, I didn't know that! I don't know anything about your five billion different Christian denominations with their quadzillion rules that nobody can remember. Hell, most Catholic priests can't even remember the rule about not diddling kids and I'm fairly certain that's like the second or third main rule! I think it goes "Don't have sex with women" and then "Hey, smarty pants. Don't have sex with kids either!" Those are like rules one and two because guys and their penises have a really special relationship. The guy tries to go about his life and the penis constantly interferes with every fucking thing he does all day long.

Penis: "Hey! Hey! Forget going to the bank! Did you see that woman bending over in the light summer dress? Come on! I know you saw that! Let's go see if she'll be amenable to fucking!"
Guy: "Calm down. I don't even know her! I've got better shit to do than act like a fucking creep when she's just trying to go about her day."
Penis: "Naw! She'd be into it! Just show me to her. She won't be able to resist!"
Guy: "You're crazy! And would you knock it off! I'm wearing boxers and slacks! People are going to notice you!"
Penis: "Oh yeah they will! And I'm only half-cocked! Get it? I'm huge! And punny!"
Guy: *Goes into nearest public restroom to masturbate so that his penis will leave him alone for three or four hours*

That's a pretty accurate portrayal of the daily life of every man, ladies! Don't believe any man that says it's not. That's just their penis lying to you! Any time you're in public, you're never further than thirty feet from at least one guy masturbating. It's a fact! They're fucking disgusting!

What the hell was I talking about? Who typed all that stuff? Why is their semen all over my keyboard?! PEEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIS!

That should probably be a sitcom. "I Love Penis!" I'd watch it.

How are all those people clapping without their left arms?!

Deacon Blackfire's soul has transmigrated into the body of Maxie Zeus through some kind of ritual shenanigans performed by The Joker's Daughter. Arkham has just become one great big mystic mess and The Spectre still continues to avoid entering the body of Jim Corrigan. I don't blame The Spectre at all. Jim is palling around with Batwing and what DC Character in their right mind wants to appear in a Batwing comic book? Perhaps when he learns this is a Batman weekly, he'll jump right into Corrigan and save the day.

I hate being so critical of Batwing since it's the only DC comic book left with a black lead (I suppose Green Lantern Corps could make an argument for having a black lead as well. But I can't consider John Stewart a solid lead on that book when DC wanted to kill him off in it!), but it's just been so boring and depressing lately! The last issue was actually pretty good! But that always seems to happen with cancelled titles. Too little too late.

Also, have we gone from referring to African Americans as "black" to "urban"? I didn't get the memo but it seems like that's becoming a fairly popular term. Does that mean I should begin referring to myself as "half-suburban, half-barrio"? Are haughty liberals going to start saying things like, "I don't see neighborhoods"?

Meanwhile in Tokyo, two of my favorite new characters are becoming fast friends!

Where is Harper going to post that picture? Is this her "Super Hero" phone with all of her secret super hero identity social media accounts? I suppose it doesn't matter since Red Robin insists on shouting her real name every few minutes.

Harper shocks the monkey and now I can't get the song out of my head. She threatens to reprogram it if Doctor Alexandrov refuses to help them defeat the nanobots infecting the children of Gotham City.

He just said her name right in front of you, you idiot!

When was the last time Batman was actually in this comic book? Can I sue DC Comics for fraud?

Well, three years ago, he makes an appearance in this comic book! I think I still have a case seeing as how Batman is only appearing in a flashback where he's being held captive by Deacon Blackfire. He's been chained in the Deacon's basement for seven days and seven nights consuming only the drugged wafers and partaking of only the drugged water. Deacon Blackfire also has other people he's plucked from his flock who get to be chained and ministrated upon, hallelujah!

I don't know what the ministrations are but I'm sure they're kinky!

Oh Deacon! You're so close to figuring it out! If only you'd unmasked him, you'd realize that his plan isn't to save everybody! His plan is to make a shitload of money by gentrifying, gentrifying, gentrifying!

Batman does that thing he does where he defeats the bad guy. You know that thing? The thing he always does even when the odds seem stacked against him! He even has a momentary throwback to his first story when a man died right in front him by falling into a vat of acid and he just kind of shrugged his shoulders. This time, Deacon Blackfire gets beaten to death by his "followers" while Batman stands there saying, "I'd help out but I've got these chains!" Then he holds up his chained together hands, frowns slightly, and sits down to watch the spectacle while smoking his pipe.

Actually, I don't know if Deacon Blackfire died at this moment or not. Probably not! I think standing by and watching someone get beaten to death is just over the line in Batman's Rules for Technically Not Killing People Although, Really, Come On!

Back in the present, Deacon Blackfire's followers all transform into Men-Bats and he sends them to recruit more followers.

Jesus Christ! More Men-Bats?! Haven't we had enough of them? I suppose these are less Men-Bats and more Vampire-Men-Bats. And by "recruiting more followers," they're actually going to go make more vampires. And meanwhile, The Spectre continues to refuse to materialize.

Batman Eternal #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was skeptical about a weekly Batman comic book but color me credulous! Or something. I'm enjoying this series a lot more than Futures End which is the weekly I thought I would really like. Although I think I'll super really like Multiversity! Unless they screw it up in the same way they're screwing up Futures End by limiting the awesome and crazy shit they can do because they seem to like boring and slow moving bullshit as opposed to lots of death and destruction and sex with decapitated monkeys and anal fissures that become sentient and nuclear farts and Superman masturbating to defeat an invading alien fleet with his supersonic Kryptonian ejaculate! Now that's a comic book!

Batman Eternal #16

Batman has never looked gayer. Not that there's anything non-Biblically wrong with that!

I was trying to keep up my feud with Comicsverse but now Firefox doesn't even want to visit the site because "comicsverse.com uses an invalid security certificate." It looks like they've boobytrapped their evil lair! I'm not going to spy on them if it means I'm risking some kind of internet chlamydia! How am I supposed to listen to their mediocre comic book video reviews now?! You win this time, Comicsverse! Also, you should probably fix your fucking site, you dunderheads.

At the end of last week's episode, Jim Corrigan had been confronted by Mister Bygone in the maze of concrete halls beneath Arkham Asylum. Surprisingly, this week's episode picks up exactly where last week's left off!

Oh not this crap again! Hospital schmospital! Nobody cares about the recidivism rate of inmates at Arkham anymore! It's really just a rubbish bin for nogoodniks now!

Arkham Asylum has lately been troubled by scary spirits and bad mojo. They might need a Wiccan Exorcist Native American Shaman Leprechaun to bless this mess and sort it the fuck out. Even crazy people don't want to have to look at this Mister Bygone and his infected arterial system, especially just after lunch.

What do you suppose they serve for lunch at Arkham? Tater tots and fish sticks? Is that too conventional? I should probably think outside the box! I bet Arkham serves the death of dreams and the rape of hope! But only on Wednesdays. On Thursdays it's Sloppy Joe.

Upstairs in Arkham, away from the piles of left arms and the smell of one particular rotting face, Professor Pyg is being checked into his cell.

Whoops. Today's lunch must be pork chops and apple sauce.

Remember in elementary school, you'd get green sheets (or some color xeroxed thing) that were like little newspapers with not really important facts about things happening on campus? And they always published the school lunch menu for the upcoming week? Boy, that was depressing! Having to see before hand the awful bullshit they were going to try to force down your gullet each and every day. Some kids liked to read the menu so they could prepare themselves for the gastronomical tortures about to be inflicted upon them day after day. But not me! They weren't going to kill my spirit that easily! I allowed myself to dream of delicious foods that would be plated in front of me for twenty three hours of every day! Only during lunch hour would I let them win! They couldn't have the rest of me as easily as printing a daily menu forecasting horrendous evil!

Who am I kidding? I never ate school lunches! I always brought my own in my awesome cool Battlestar Galactica lunchbox! Which I still have!

I don't actually remember the Cylons being this happy? Did they often go on picnics with whatshisname and his cyber dog?

Before I owned this lunchbox, I used a Rescuers lunchbox. And before that, it was a Wonderful World of Disney lunchbox. After the Battlestar Galactica lunchbox, it was brown paper bags until high school when I gave up eating lunch in preference of sitting around staring at girls I had huge crushes on. Actually, beginning in tenth grade, my school lunch was usually one Mr. Goodbar and one game of Gunsmoke down at the bowling alley near the school. Nutritious!

Over in Tokyo, some bad shit goes down! But the good part about the bad shit is that it makes me love Harper Row a little bit!

It's like my heart just grew two sizes this day!

I was almost really crude and said my penis grew two sizes this day. But I didn't mean I loved Harper in that way! I meant I loved her for her sassy mouth! I felt the same kind of pride you feel when the sibling that you constantly argue with suddenly mouths off to some grown up being an asshole to them. It's like you helped train your sibling for that day with all the bickering and smarting off at each other!

Red Robin and Harper take care of the Tokyo Tentacles before they can find their way into some protesting orifices. I have to say, when I was in Tokyo, there were far less rapist tentacles than I thought there would be. There was, however, a hell of a lot more Pachinko than I'd ever dreamed! Anyway, Harper and Red Robin have survived the test and now they get to meet the man and the cybernetic monkey behind it all!

This monkey has only been in about six total panels in The New 52 so far but he's quickly demanding his own monthly comic book! At least in my eyes.

So back in Arkham, Jim Corrigan punches Mister Bygone and knocks him out which is a bit anti-climactic if Mister Bygone was the Byguy behind it all! I suppose he isn't because later Batwing escapes the clutches of The Joker's Daughter as she tells him she rules the place. I don't really believe her though. At the very least, she seems to be the High Priestess of the Cult of the Left Arm. She's also the keeper of the Maxie Zeus.

I particularly like her goat.se-esque decorating motif.

I'm assuming by the get-up and the name that this is Maxie Zeus even if it's a bit of a reinterpretation of him. At least from when I last read a story with him in it. He may have already been reinterpreted sometime in the last decade before The New 52.

Batwing defeats Maxie Zeus which is what he wasn't supposed to do because now Maxie is prepared to be vesselized by the Messiah! I don't know what that means. I don't know what any of this means! The Arkham Staff have all had their left arms cut off or have had their bodies turned into wraith housing. A doctor that Batwing stumbles upon says it's been this way for months now. Who is overseeing Arkham Asylum?! Shouldn't Batman check in every other day to make sure things are running smoothly? I think after Batwing and The Spectre finish their investigation, Arkham needs to be shut down for good. Board the place up and throw away the hammer! Burn it down! Cover it in an impenetrable plexiglass dome and fill it with concrete! It's a curse on Gotham!

Or better yet! Somebody should go back in time and kill Amadeus Arkham before he gets the stupid idea to "help" crazy assholes! Except maybe that's what happened! Maybe the time traveler tasked with the assassination arrived back in time confused, disoriented, and a little bit insane. That's why he winds up killing Amadeus's mother which gives Amadeus the idea to start the Asylum with the time traveler as his first patient! Don't you dare fucking steal my story idea, DC Comics and Grant Morrison!

Batwing runs into Jim Corrigan again and he almost reveals who is behind it all. Except he's interrupted by the person that's behind it all: the freshly returned from Hell soul of Deacon Blackfire! Oh. Hey! All this time I've been wondering who has been behind this crazy shit at Arkham and Snyder and Tynion had already told me in like Issue #1. I should probably pay better attention to what I'm reading instead of letting my mind wander as I think about Batman going down on Commissioner Gordon, or imagining what Warden Agatha Zorbatos does in her office with the door locked and her pants around her ankles.

I actually don't know anything about this Deacon Blackfire. Is he new? Was he created during The Long Hiatus when I wasn't reading comic books? Or was he invented by Alan Grant during his Shadow of the Bat run? I think those are the only possibilities.

Batman Eternal #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I should really make these end statements worth reading so I can post them as stand alone mini-reviews for people with short attention spans and the inability to enjoy anything worth taking the time to enjoy. Maybe pepper them with curse words to really draw the attention of the filthy, ignorant masses. Then I can finish up with a truly insightful comment about the story which will prove to everybody that I deserve the title of Master Comic Book Reader! I should do all of that stuff but I probably won't because it's more work than just closing my review with some stupid statement about how odd it is that the candy Sixlets only has five colors.