Blue Beetle #8

The real Blue Beetle is back! Fuck Dan Garrett. Nobody even remembers how to spell his last name.

The Review!
How must Ted Kord feel seeing Booster Gold move on to be some kind of super important gear in the DC Continuity machine while he must remain a joke who was dismissed by nearly everybody after dying as a real hero? He was the more competent half of the Blue and Gold franchise and yet he was killed by the bullies in charge, probably because he was fat. Those jerks in charge tried to make the fit, blond ex-quarterback the real hero because they're all still nursing their high school boners aching to be stroked by the popular kids. I bet they had a meeting where they all agreed that nobody could possibly like the fat one based on a boring Charlton character and that he was just holding back the super cool one that the robot, Dan Jurgens, had created. So while Booster Gold was able to go on and fuck up DC Continuity just as well as any of The Flash's fuck ups, Blue Beetle was shot in the face by his asshole boss. Way to not know your audience, DC Comics!

Of course, now the new generation of comic book lovers don't give a shit about Ted Kord because he's a threat to their beloved Jaime Reyes. Fuck Jaime Reyes! He's just a dumb kid with a space tapeworm. I don't like having to say that because I like Jaime Reyes and his friend Brenda (especially when she was less spotty than she currently is. Va-va-va-voom!). But if Jaime fans are going to shit all over Ted Kord then fuck them and Jaime too! Fuck them right in the place people don't like to be fucked! I can't imagine where that is, personally, but I'm sure some people have a place like that.

Wait. The scarab was in his junk?

Don't worry, Jaime Reyes fans! No way is the scarab going to stay out of Jaime's dick. I'm sure Ted Kord donning the Blue Beetle costume again will only last a few issues. Ted will probably be arrested after he starts dating Brenda.

Jaime is a bit upset that he's no longer best friends with an alien bug that is also a robot and a parasite. He still wants to help save the world from Arion, Lord of Atlantis, but his mother won't let him now. I bet he has a curfew now too. On the plus side, he was probably avoiding having sex with Brenda because the scarab might have hurt her vagina. Now they're free to do all the weird, gross things young people get up to because they think they need to impress their sexual partner with how imaginative they are in the doing it department.

Anyway, on their way home, Jaime sees a guy he knows running around the streets like a sweaty canned ham: Kevin Kho. Hey! That's the guy who turns into OMAC! Is he going to team up with Ted Kord to become the next big comedy super duo, Blue and OMAC?

The group is attacked by roided out Ambush Bugs. Kevin makes a break for it because he doesn't want to turn into OMAC. See, OMAC has a problem distinguishing what to smash and what not to smash. It's almost as if Kirby was all, "Here is my comic book for the month, DC Comics!" And DC Comics was all, "Um, Jack. This is an Incredible Hulk book. We don't own the Hulk." And Jack was all, "Dammit. I can never keep straight what company I'm currently working for. My brain is disconnected from linear time, you know! Okay. Let me make a few changes and now it's OMAC, Obviously Marvel's Ariginal Character!" And DC Comics was all, "That's not how you spell original." And Jack was all, "Mother, I'm done with my porridge! Can I watch the radio now?"

To save the day, Jaime's mother turns into a lizard person. No wait. Kevin turns into OMAC! Jaime's mom does turn into a lizard person for some reason but I don't think it's to save the day. It might have just been to give me a boner.

Jaime needs to find a way to help stop everybody in the world transforming into muscular Ambush Bugs and/or OMACs. So he heads back to get Ted Kord's old Blue Beetle costume. So that's Jaime on the cover, is it? Well, if that's the case, I'm off to hire a lawyer. Putting Jaime in Ted's Blue Beetle costume was my idea stemming back to New 52 Blue Beetle #1 where I Shooped Ted Kord's head on Jaime's body in every review! I'm fairly certain I've got a case here.

Jaime doesn't plan on doing the Ted Kord Beetle thing for long. He's only donning the costume to get the scarab back from Arion, Lord of Atlantis. That should save the world along with the added benefit of proving Doctor Fate is a stupid asshole who doesn't know anything and should just stick to smaller Lords of Order jobs, like straightening up cluttered desks and raking leaves.

The Ranking!
No change. You can really tell J.M. DeMatteis joined the crew to script because there's practically no confusing wacky banter at all. Also, just for the people who are always rolling their eyes at disasters like this needing to be solved by the least heroic hero possible, it's mentioned a few times that the Justice League is off-world. It's weird how they're always off-world in other comics but they're never off-world in their own comic book. I mean, sure, I suppose they've currently been sort of "off-world" in that they've been traveling through time. But it's not like time travel takes any real time! Unless you believe the Bill and Ted theory that the clock in San Dimas is always running.

Blue Beetle #7

Here's a lie to explain those, Jamie: "I was so drunk when I checked in, I forgot to change the sheets at that hostel in Berlin!"

The Review!
If you want to read an intelligent comic book that is easy to understand, maybe pick up something else. Might I suggest The Flintstones? This book fails on two of the two counts in my initial premise. It is neither easy to understand nor intelligent. Those aren't really judgments against the comic even if they completely sound like they are. Some people (like me!) don't necessarily think "intelligent" and "clearly communicated" are positive attributes! Clarity is for suckers. And anybody can seem intelligent which really drives down the stock price on actual intelligence.

Long time comic book readers will know exactly what they're in for when they see Keith Giffen's name on the cover of a comic book. A light, airy adventure with lots of bantering (which some might call humorous and others might call confusingly annoying). Eventually the lightness takes a dark turn and a lot of people die. Because Ted Kord has still been making jokes, I was almost fooled into believing this comic had yet to take a dark turn. But then I remembered that cowboy guy in the Posse had his head chopped off by Mordecai an issue or two ago, and I don't think it was meant to be hilarious. In this issue, Doctor Fate dies! But don't worry. He only dies for a few seconds which Kent Nelson doesn't take full advantage of because he doesn't realize Nabu has the ability to resurrect himself. It's probably good he didn't know or else we would have been subjected to several panels of Kent furiously masturbating in the Tower of Fate.

By the end of the issue, Arion, Lord of Atlantis, has risen again. I'm not sure what his plans are now that he's back since his plans before being imprisoned by Fate were to save Atlantis. Maybe now he just wants to see the whole world drown.

Also, the Blue Beetle Scarab has been removed from Jaime. So now he's just another boring, normal kid. Hopefully that will improve his chances with Brenda.

The Ranking!
No change! Next issue, J.M. DeMatteis will be coming on board to clear up the confusing banter.

Blue Beetle #6

Motherfuckin' dance party! Um, motherfuckers!

Sometimes when I use the word "motherfucker," I feel like I need to use it again almost immediately. It's the kind of word that really goes great with itself. It also pairs nicely with fingerbanging.

When I see Keith Giffen's name on a comic book, I often think, "I'd better outlive this motherfucking motherfucker." Not that I'm wishing he'd die! I just know he's super old! Like almost twenty years older than me! Oh shit. That's it? Fuck. I'm super old! I really hope I don't die before Giffen! Now I'm fucking worried about it. My side has been aching. Could that be terminal?!

This is the first page of the comic book.

That first page is why I'm going to die before Giffen does! I spent four hours Wednesday night partially stripping the wax off the floor of a pet store (as well as reapplying the wax and generally cleaning the rest of the store (most of which needs to be stripped too!)) and he did that in about ten seconds and was already done with 5% of his job. Good for Giffen! He really knows how to let comic books be comic books. Some writers would have cluttered up this page with a bunch of Blue Beetle Narration Boxes so they could impress fans with their wordsmithing, even though those same fans probably hate every single decision the comic book writer has ever made about their favorite character. Although the laugh is on them if Blue Beetle is their favorite character! Dum-dums! Haven't they ever heard of Wolverine?!

Jaime is upset with Ted because Ted doesn't tell him anything. To be fair to Ted, no character written by Keith Giffen ever speaks any dialogue that would ever be considered clear and concise and meant to inform another character of something. Giffen learned how people speak with others by watching Abbott and Costello. That's a reference people my and Keith Giffen's age would understand!

As if Jaime doesn't have enough cities which were bombarded in his own lifetime to choose from. Why is he bringing up Dresden?!

It's probably better that Giffen had Jaime use Dresden as an example. Bombing an entire city into rubble is okay to talk about when the Baby Boomers were doing it to a country full of Nazis, even if they almost killed Kurt Vonnegut while doing so. If you're going to bring up the specter of English speaking countries bombing the motherfucking shit out of a city full of non-English speakers, Dresden is the least controversial city to bring up because even though it was basically a bombing campaign against civilians and porcelain, it really gave those Nazis a black eye!

In the next panel, Kord brings up Jaime's mention of Dresden and guesses Jaime has been studying World War II. Good job, Mr. Giffen! Way to throw in an excuse for your old man reference coming out of a kid's mouth before some Internet asshole could blast you for it! I mean Internet assholes who read the entire comic book before commenting on them. Your scheme doesn't work for jerks like me who can't put down the comic book fast enough to make a snide remark about it online!

Jaime finally gets Ted Kord to stop bantering and avoiding answering questions. Ted finally tells Jaime what he knows about the Scarab and a man named Dan Garrett. He was the boring Blue Beetle!

After learning about Dan Garrett (which we, the readers, learned about a few issues ago. Remember that time we were all bored to tears? That was Dan Garrett!), Jaime flips the fuck out and flies away. Doctor Fate, who was spying on everybody, flies after him. Maybe we'll find out which Doctor Fate this is soon! I hope it's not that medical college bore who refused to fuck his neighbor even though she kept throwing her vagina at him. Ugh, I hated that guy! He was worse than Dan Garrett.

Jaime decides to hunt down Mordecai which seems like a rash decision. And reading a few more pages, I learn it definitely was a rash decision! Jaime has his soul pulled out of the top of his head by Mordecai. But that also was a rash decision because all that does is free up the Blue Beetle Scarab to do what it's been wanting to do ever since it entered Jaime and he was all, "No way! We don't kill, Blue Beetle armor!" Now that it's free of the prude, it decides to smash the fuck out of Mordecai. And Mordecai's master is all, "Oh! Isn't it delicious!"

But before the Blue Beetle armor can kill Mordecai while Mordecai continues to act like he's Jesus Christ on the cross, Doctor Fate arrives to destroy Blue Beetle. He doesn't seem to care about Mordecai or his master, the disembodied voice inside the ziggurat. They're no worry as long as they don't get their hands on the Blue Beetle scarab, I guess.

The Ranking!
No change. This must be the Kent Nelson (or was it Nelson Kent?) Doctor Fate since he hasn't once asked if he was dreaming or on drugs like that Khalid moron.

Blue Beetle #5

This is how I played basketball in junior high.

In junior high and high school, we got to pick from a variety of "sports" every quarter for physical education. What "sports" you were able to pick from depended on what teachers were teaching the period you were given P.E. At the top of my hierarchy of choices was weightlifting. Mostly because you sat on your ass all period. I usually worked on my legs and sang whatever song was playing on the radio a little bit too loud and then being really embarrassed when the girl I had a crush on would make note of it. Second on the list was ultimate Frisbee. Third was any sport with a racket. I preferred badminton but I never ruled out tennis. One time when we were choosing classes, I had to consider basketball because the girl I had a crush on, Marilyn Mendoza, was in line for basketball with her friends. But I hated basketball and even though I desperately wanted to be in the same class with her, I had to pick tennis. While dying from this junior high school Sophie's choice, Marilyn convinced her friends to get in the tennis line. I didn't realize at the time that she had a crush on me as well.

As I noted, basketball was the worst. I hated getting stuck with basketball, swimming, or soccer. Pretty much anything that had too much cardio!

This issue begins with the Green Beetle, Mordecai, attacking Jaime's mom's free clinic. Luckily Blur and her other Posse buddy, Fingerbangs, are there to save her.

Unluckily for Fingerbangs, nobody is there to save him. Ew.

Blue Beetle shows up to save his mom by distracting Mordecai. Mostly he distracts Mordecai by acting like a really squishy punching bag. Blur teleports the doctor away again but loses her the way Blur tends to lose people she teleports with. Jaime's mom winds up in a coffee shop with Sugar and Spike. They've taken a case for Ted Kord and it involves Jaime so they go after his mom. I can't imagine what kind of embarrassing past Jaime Reyes can have at fifteen. Maybe a rumor was started in junior high school that he masturbated into a breadbox. Yeah, I don't know why that would become a rumor either but it happened to a kid in my eighth grade class. It's kind of hard to own a rumor like that at that age. If it happened to me now, I'd just say, "A breadbox?! No way! Dozens of different socks, various plastic bags, rolls and rolls of paper towels, hotel ice buckets, every sink in every bathroom at every place I've ever worked, various places outdoors, the stairwell at the Portland State University library, under the sink in my college dorm until it looked like a massive candle had melted under there, and way too many other places to remember. But a breadbox?! Gross!"

I can think of lots of embarrassing reasons why Ted Kord would hire Sugar and Spike but I covered that last commentary. Although it is Rebirth Blue Beetle so he probably has a lot of new embarrassing moments from his superhero past.

The Posse arrive to save the day but that probably won't last long because they're just kids. Their day is going to need saving by Blue Beetle and Teri Magnus. It looks like Teri Magnus still has superspeed powers left over from her stint as a character in Justice League 3001. Teri and Ted pick up Jaime's family because he needs to explain to everybody exactly what's going on. He picks up Jaime too right after Mordecai is called away by his master.

Mordecai's master is imprisoned in a weird box underground guarded by the bugs Blue Beetle sleep-fought an issue or two ago. It seems Doctor Fate has been set to guard this prison. That must be why Doctor Fate knows so much about the scarab and how dangerous it is.

I still don't know which Doctor Fate this is. Maybe it's best for Rebirth if his or her secret identity is just never revealed.

The Ranking!
No change!

Blue Beetle #4

I suspect Doctor Fate simply thinks Blue Beetle is a dream or a hallucination.

If the current Rebirth Doctor Fate is still Khalid, I will burn this motherfucking house to the ground. That should teach DC to not fuck with me.

This issue tells the tale of Blue Beetle's secret origin. It probably amounts to "Jaime Reyes was walking to school one day while casually brushing his hand against Brenda's outer thigh while she pretended not to notice. His penis was semi-erect and her vulva was slightly engorged. Then a space beetle stuck itself in his back and he was all, 'Goddammit!' The end."

The story is close enough to my telling that I don't really need to expound on it. Although at one point, Brenda begins speaking Old Portugese [sic]. Last issue, letterer Josh Reed decided to swear in the Old Portugese. I wonder if he says anything crude this time!

Brenda first says, "Aslpe, esdcv bmlcwp mwoalsk." Then she says, "Hgrd, pwor ixnf ksjd hino fc neurjf."

Since that's all nonsense, I'm going to assume Josh Reed was reprimanded and told to just make the alien language gibberish.

So the scarab fused to Jaime's spine and now he's become Ted Kord's pet project. Probably because Ted knew the previous owner of the scarab, Daniel Garrett, who drowned while Doctor Fate watched. Doctor Fate's penis was semi-erect.

Also in this story, Jaime holds hands with a girl. He could be fucking a girl but he let Blur get away. So now he's got to start way back at the beginning with talking and holding hands. Pee-yuke!

The Ranking!
No change!

Blue Beetle #3

If Jamie leans too far back, he stabs himself in the butthole.

I don't think people realize how easy it is to be a cypher to Internet advertisers because they're always so eager to put their opinion everywhere on the Internet or to like as many things as possible to express their unique personality. The advertisements on my social media sites struggle to come up with anything that might possibly spark a bit of interest in my wallet. I once looked up "Freudian Slippers" because I knew they had to exist and they did. So for months, I'd get advertisements basically saying, "Hey! Hey! Look! You still haven't bought these ugly things! You want 'em? They're still avaialable!" Months ago, I looked up some covers for Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man and I'm still getting ads using covers of the comic book. That's about the only bit of my interest advertisers have managed to sink their claws into and they won't fucking let it go. If it's not covers of a comic book I read decades ago and still own (so why would I be interested in the ads?), I just get random products as the Global Advertising All-Brain tries to get me to click on something to find another piece of the me puzzle.

I'd be shook too if the new breakthrough in tanning was rubbing shit on yourself.

I suppose the place that would know my interests best would be Amazon since I do occasionally shop there. Let's see what it's recommending for me today!

"Rules of Civility", We Should All Be Feminists, Exploring Psychology, and some book about becoming a dad? Way to make me feel emasculated, Amazon! At least they got two right: Hitchiker's which I'd never buy because I already own in at least three versions and some book about having an IQ of 84. Although that's a bit high for me, I think I could probably relate.


I can't remember the last time I purchased a Walking Dead book or anything Buffy-related on Amazon. And I've never purchased a Saga book although I do eventually need to having left off with the single issues around the time they met that guy in the lighthouse. I have no idea why they think I want a Joan Crawford movie. But I will take the book of Laura Ingalls' wisdom! She's my fucking favorite!

This issue begins with Jaime sleep-superheroing. It's kind of like sleepwalking but it's when the sentient alien scarab on your back decides you're a pusshole and you haven't been killing enough bad guys. So it takes you out when you're sleeping to throw you into a life-threatening situation where you wake up confused. The scarab takes him into one of the holes that have been appearing in the city and plops him down in front of an army of bug-people. He'll probably kill a few just from being startled awake. I imagine if I woke up in a room full of screaming toddlers, I'd kill a few of them before I fully realized what was going on.

I'm a bit disappointed that the scarab didn't drop Jaime into Blur's bedroom. I'm still hoping those kids engage in a proper fuckfight soon.

As Blue Beetle battles, he begins to speak Old Portugese [sic as seen in New 52 Swamp Thing #5]. I suppose somebody at DC lost the key to the language because the editors let this slip by:

He's saying, "Wait. What the fuck?"

I asked Lord Google "'Josh Red' DC Comics lost job" but didn't get any results. I assume nobody noticed. Good for you, Josh! You're really shaking things up! Don't get too cocky though! Remember that even the great Simon Bisley was fired for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm!

After a brief and confusing battle, the ceiling collapses and Blue Beetle is pulled out of the hole which closes under him. He decides he should probably investigate the problem. I guess that means he'll be joining the Posse and possibly even getting some pussy from Blur. She wants to fuck him so badly.

Meanwhile, Ted Kord is busy building something.

This is probably the same conversationg H.H. Holmes had with contractors.

Jaime stops by to see Ted and Ted is all, "Oh, by the way! Remember how I said Doctor Fate came by to see me? Yeah, well, he wants to kill you." Doctor Fate is afraid the scarab will do that thing to Earth that the scarabs like to do to planets. I think the phrase is "utter destruction."

Teri, Kord's biologist who is trying to figure out how to remove Jaime's scarab (and probably how to put it in Ted!), is currently meeting with Sugar and Spike. I guess somebody has some embarrassing moments from their past they'd like covered up! I'm guessing it has to do with Blue Beetle's time on Justice League International and his friendship with Booster Gold and too much alcohol and a fat cock.

The rest of the comic book is Jaime going around telling people he's going to get a medical check-up and that he might die. They all go, "Well, do you want me to be there?" Why is everybody so eager to see him die?!

There's an epilogue where a Green Beetle is walking around an airport in El Paso killing children. He's probably a bad guy.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm enjoying this comic book but since most of this was just Jaime moping about sleepwalking, I can't classify it as a Don't Miss Thriller!

Blue Beetle #2

The fight we've all been waiting for: Blue Beetle versus Red Scribblething!

The media has been doing a terrible job for years but I want people to know that I think they're terrible at their job for different reasons than anybody who calls it "the mainstream media." Because you know when somebody says "the mainstream media," it means they have their own trusted little conspiracy-riddled source of media where they believe the truth resides. And if they believe the bullshit being funneled into their empty heads from those sources, of course they're going to believe "the mainstream media" is lying to everybody. Because why else would "the mainstream media" be ignoring things like Sandy Hoax and Pizzagate?! These are also the same people who will ask you for a source that disproves their idiocy and then scoff at you when you refer them to a site like Snopes. As if Snopes is just an opinion blog that doesn't link to a huge list of references used in their articles. I guess the bias and spin can be seen in that reference list which never seems to pull information from articles by Infowars and Worldtruth.tv and Coast to Coast AM.

We all have that friend who tells us we've been snowed by "the mainstream media" and then links to some loony YouTube video that explains the truth (unless you are that friend and then your friends are all fucking idiots who wouldn't know the truth if it walked up to them and said, "Hi! Trump is great!"). It doesn't matter if, like me, you avoid most of "the mainstream media" sources (as well as "the truthful, non-mainstream media" sources!) if your opinions mirror those of "the mainstream media" because you've still probably been duped by somebody, probably a libtard friend who can't stop watching "the mainstream media" and sneakily whispered the mass media hypnotic revelations into your ear, probably while you were enjoying a candy bar so that you associate the feelings of ingesting silky smooth chocolate and creamy caramel with the liberal agenda.

The worst thing about all these Truthers and mainstream conspiracy theory nutters is that they've ruined the entire X-Files world for me. I used to love reading things about predictive programming and secret government projects like Cloverleaf and Paper Clip and searches for cryptids and elaborate experiments in Mantauk! I used to lose myself in reading schizophrenic rants by Francis E. Dec or ones just found left in copiers by unknowns! By I just can't enjoy any of it anymore because it reminds me that there are way too many Americans taking much of this stuff way too seriously, convinced everything they don't agree with is a PSYOP. And it's because they've been taken in by "the alt-stream media" while screaming at everybody else for being duped by "the mainstream media." And you know the worst part about these "alt-stream media" believing assholes? They start every argument with "I've researched this for years" or "I've been studying this my entire life." Well, if by "research" and "study," you mean Googled the Internet until you found videos full of unsubstantiated rumor and oddball assumptions that confirmed your bias and stroked your selfish ego, I suppose I can't argue with that! I guess "pizza" does indeed mean "underage sex slave"! But at least Snopes actually responds directly to each point brought up and lists sources for why they've proclaimed something true or false! I'll take that over "Look at these four girls from different tragedies who all look similar and therefore must be the same girl!" any day.

I was hoping to read this comic book before going to work tonight but as you might have noticed, I fell down an Internet Rabbit Hole when a friend on Facebook commented on an asshole on Facebook's comment about "Sandy Hoax." Christ, people are nutjobs.

Here's a book report I once did about a nutjob book my father thought was great!

Sorry, Blue Beetle, I'm not ready to start reading yet! Here's the thing about "Sandy Hoax": the day after the Sandy Hook massacre, Clyde Lewis was already on the radio suggesting it was a False Flag. That's simply the go-to cry of the Second Amendment patriots. If a gun was used to kill innocent people then that event was obviously staged to get people behind gun control. So the thesis was already written before the event even took place. After that, it's just a matter of taking all of the terrible "mainstream media" reports from the chaotic aftermath and using them as facts to prove discrepancies in the timeline. So the only time "the mainstream media" gets things right is when their idiotic, need-to-be-first, crap reporting (part of the "terrible job" I mentioned earlier!) says things that can later be used in the "official" report of the conspiracy. So "the mainstream media" is wrong about everything until they're actually wrong and then their errors are used as truthful evidence of what really happened.

People just want to believe the stupidest shit. Probably because they've all been brainwashed by David Icke's lizard people. I hear they're really into pizza.

Here are Blue Beetle's new partners, The Posse! I should probably say tentative partners since Blur seems to be kicking Beetle's ass on the cover.

Why the fuck are these kids hanging out with a sentient root? It's not like that description says he's a kid who tripped over a radioactive root and gained the power to destroy sidewalks and puncture septic tanks. It says he's an intelligent bush! Maybe a bush near the baseball field was hit by an intense gamma ray burst and soon found itself contemplating its own existence. Daily, it watched the children talking and playing nearby until it had a grasp on the English language. At that point, it slowly grew itself into a humanoid shape and pulled itself out of the ground to hang out with the humans. After learning what "wedgies" and "swirlies" were, it finally found a bunch of freaks that didn't mind it hanging around them. He took the name Root so he could go into battle screaming, "SUCK THE ROOOOOOOOT, BITCHES!"

The Posse have been investigating families disappearing after huge holes suddenly appeared in the middle of their houses. That doesn't seem like much of a mystery! They've obviously been eaten by Tremors. End of story! Next!

Before Jaime can solve the mystery as quickly as I solved it, he's distracted by finding out the Posse know his mom. She's been taking care of them when they get hurt. That sounded like a disgusting "Your mom!" joke, didn't it?

The Posse take Blot to Dr. Reyes but leave Blur behind to flirt with Blue Beetle. At least I think it's flirting. Is it flirting when you automatically assume the person you just met wants to fuck you and you never stop talking about how they must want to fuck you?

Okay. That clears that up. Definitely flirting! Now I know how to do it!

For some reason, Blue Beetle doesn't want to fuck Blur. I would have had my dick inside of her the moment she said, "I don't bite. Unless you're into that kinda thing." Then she probably would have teleported away with my dick inside of her. So maybe Jaime's caution isn't as gay as I thought it was.

You know what? Even if there was a possibility I could lose my dick in a teleporter accident, I'd still fuck Blur! She's hot like a Jim Lee drawing! Scribbles everywhere!

Blur tries to teleport Blue Beetle back to her fuck spot on top of a building but he doesn't appear with her. Apparently she's not good at teleporting other people so Jaime has wound up somewhere random.

Meanwhile Brenda (the Rebirth Brenda who actually looks like an awkward teenage girl and not the super hot New 52 Brenda who I'm currently picturing making out with Vampire Tig) and Paco see a ghost veteran who melts before their eyes. He might have been flirting with them.

See?! Blur came to the same conclusion about Blue Beetle's caution that I did!

Flirty girls are the best! Not that I've ever been able to notice when a girl is flirting with me. I usually miss every sign up until the one where they follow you into the bathroom and stick their hand down the front of your pants. That's a good sign!

Blur gets a little too aggressive and the Blue Beetle Armor thinks she's trying to harm Jaime. I'm glad I was never wearing Blue Beetle Armor when those hands were stuck down the front of my pants! So the Armor attacks Blur which is how the fight on the cover begins. I hope it ends with fucking! I hope this is secretly a fuckfight!

I really am turned on by Blur! Women who know what they want is a turn on! I mean, if what they want is sex with me. If what they want is to discuss our feelings, I'm out of there!

Blue Beetle winds up electrocuting Blur with a tiny electro-bug thing and then she almost dies!

This relationship is way better than the Bat/Cat one!

The issue ends with a family moment at home that's all stupid because Blur and Beetle didn't fuck. I wonder how many letters I'd have to write to DC to get them to change this from a Teen title to a Teen Plus title? Maybe even a Mature title! The kids who discovered their love of Jaime Reyes from the DC cartoons are old enough to see him fuck now, right? I mean, were they old enough to see him fuck previously? Probably! But as an adult, I don't think I'm supposed to discuss how sexual teenagers actually are. We're supposed to pretend they've never stuck a hand down the front of another teenager's pants ever! But being an adult who was once a teenager, I know for a fact they put their hands down each other's pants! I also know that sometimes they rub their boobs on your arm when you're playing Donkey Kong Jr. Or push the back of your head into their crotch when they sit behind you on the couch you were leaning against. Or come into their brother's room with a friend, interrupting you while you're rolling up Dungeons and Dragons characters, to strip in front of you and do things I've never seen adult strippers do while sitting on a bowling ball!

Hmm. Are all those memories now considered child pornography?! Eep! My memories are a cesspool of filth and illegality!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I haven't even added this title to the rankings yet and I'm advancing it up a notch! That's almost all because of Blur. I'm glad she was in this because I haven't had a crush like this on a character since Maps! I mean, my crush on Maps was more of a "I wish I were Maps!" kind of thing. My crush on Blur is more like my crush on Vampire Tig which is a "I wish I were in Vampire Tig!" thing.

Blue Beetle #1

Doesn't this comic book just scream, "Hey middle-aged mom wet for every shirtless high school baseball player she happens to run into hanging around the showers at the local high school, this comic book looks like a lot of fun for your stupid kid you wish you'd never had!"?

The Commentary!
• Blue Beetle is one of those stupid super hero names that were thought up back when people had no imagination. Every character from back then has a name that sounds like a fifth grader came up with it playing Mad Libs. No wait. If that were true, he'd be Fart Crab, or Booby Louse. I probably should have said second grader. Although I wonder how Blue Beetle got past the editor? Shouldn't the editor have been all, "Blue Beetle, hanh? Blue Beetle! Who do you think reads our funny books, hanh? Entomologists?! How them kids gonna know Blue Beetle is a man, see? They're going to think he's a beetle, ya fool! Change the name to...let's see...Beetle Man! Yeah! That's it! Beetle Man! Top notch! That's a book that'll sell like flapjacks!" Then he would have walked off puffing on a cigar to go dive in a pile of money.

• This issue is called "Deja Blue" because that's word play! But just in case it's a bit too foreign for some readers, the entire phrase is written out as "Deja Vu" and then the "Vu" is crossed out with a red X and the word "Blue" is written underneath. I don't know if that's supposed to be a cutesy touch or if the final print for this book got one last edit.

• I don't really remember how Rebirth ended and I'm not sure if it really matters. But this issue begins with the visuals showing Doctor Fate battling a huge azure insect in what looks like Ancient Egypt. Over the top of the battle is one of those banter sessions Keith Giffen's character love to engage in. This session is between Jaime and Brenda. Unless it's Ted Kord and Brenda. It's hard to tell because all of Keith Giffen's characters talk the same way. But the Blue Beetle half of the discussion makes a really lame Ted Kord joke on the first page about Brenda's nose not being an ear, so it seems like Ted. But then why is Ted hanging out with Brenda? Plus then Brenda quips back (since every other response by every other character in a Keith Giffen Dialogue is a "quip") at Blue Beetle, "How's that G.E.D. coming along?" Which sounds like something she'd definitely say to Jaime and probably not say to the billionaire inventor. Although his jokes are about equivalent to questions on a G.E.D.

• Every adult citizen of America should have to take the G.E.D. Then their scores should always be linked to all of their online identities. That way when somebody corrects me on something stupid I said for a joke, I could look at their shitty scores and think righteously to myself, "There's no way you knew that before Googling it and you've probably already forgotten it, you ass-toothed clown." Although then the Internet would be full of Hot Takes about how the tests don't measure anything substantive, really. Of course, those Hot Takes would be by know-nothings who completely flopped the stupid test because they rely on their cell phone to answer any questions that might come up which have nothing to do with themselves.

• I don't even give a shit about how well people do on things like standardized tests. One of the wittiest guys I know has only ever read three books in his life: Where the Red Fern Grows, McMahon!: The Bare Truth About Chicago's Brashest Bear, and Rambo: First Blood. He's a hilarious guy but he'd tank a G.E.D. And let's face it, all of you Mensa people! You're really just an organization of pretentious assholes who all think alike and needed some kind of official seal for your obnoxious personality!

• Um, you know, no offense, people of Mensa! Don't get your bow ties in a twist!

• Oh! So on the second page, Brenda asks Jaime, "So, was Doctor Fate in it again?" So Jaime is telling Brenda a dream! I don't have to remember what happened at the end of Rebirth to understand why this issue began like it did! Whew. My memory isn't bad enough to justify how weirdly panicked I was getting!

Why does he need to know Doctor Fate to dream about him? I dream about having sex with all sorts of people I don't actually know!

• What's up with Brenda?! She's totally not super hot like she's always been previously! She's skinny and spotty and actually looks like a kid in high school! How am I supposed to have a fantasy crush on that?! Ugh! Goodbye, Brenda! Welcome back to my dreams, Vampire Tig!

• Today at Goofball High where nobody says anything in a clear and concise way and everybody is constantly insulting the other person, it's Career Day! And speaking at Career Day is Ted Kord! He's a really great lecturer! He says stuff like, "There is no such thing as a bad idea, if you could prove the idea wasn't stupid." He didn't say it exactly like that but I think I nailed the idiotic flavor of the quote.

This third wheel is Paco. He's the only person in the Blue Beetle Universe who can't get a handle on the quick banter. I don't know who the brunette is longing to be a part of their hilarious group.

• Ted Kord's partner is Teri Magnus so she obviously has a couple of Responsometers shoved up her vagina. And a twin brother named Terry! His Responsometers are up his asshole. I suppose Teri's might be too. Who am I to judge where she likes to shove her Responsometers?

• Ted Kord has been doing some investigating because he's basically Green Arrow-lite who is basically Batman-lite and I'm sure he'd love to become the World's Greatest Wanna-be Detective. But because he has a heart problem, he needed to stop by the school to pick up Jaime to do all of the superhero work that the investigating will surely lead to. So they go out in the Bug to begin fighting crime together. After the bantering, of course. Always with the Goddamned bantering.

• At the scene of the place where the clues can be found, Blue Beetle gets in a battle outside of a bottle with a shadow creature.

Hopefully by mentioning Nightshade, it means she'll be appearing later, right? Or is Ted just going to constantly refer to his Post-Crisis days before he got fat, developed a heart problem, and was shot in the face?

• Blue Beetle battles Blot while being belittled by Ted Kord. He eventually defeats him and that's when Posse shows up. They're Blot's friends and they're the local gang who apparently aren't quite bad but aren't altogether good either. Like a local Justice League but with more petty theft and fronting. Blot's parents have been kidnapped which is why he was flipping the fuck out. I guess Blue Beetle will be working with Posse next issue. I also hope Keith Giffen works on his material next issue. He loves to use the same jokes over and over, so much so that he has two different characters say the exact same thing this issue.

If it wasn't for Giffen's penchant for repetition, I might suspect Brenda was Red Electricity Head.

The Ranking!
0! It's not bad! It's just a Keith Giffen comic book. If somebody said, "Hey! I have this comic book!", you probably wouldn't know what to expect. It could be anything! But if somebody said, "Hey! I have this Keith Giffen comic book!", you'd probably have to ask, "Written by, drawn by, or both?" After they answered "Written by!", you'd be all, "Oh, yeah. Totally know what to expect!" Also if that person had said "Drawn by!", you'd also know what to expect. Nine by nine panels and people with sort of long faces and half-closed eyes.

Blue Beetle Rebirth #1

Now that Ted Kord is in this comic book, I can probably stop superimposing his Blue Beetle face on Jaime's Blue Beetle face.

The Review!
Keith Giffen is back to writing Blue Beetle. I suppose he was writing him in Justice League 3000 but that felt like cheating. I wonder how long before Ted Kord is fat again? Or how long before Booster Gold arrives? Maybe Booster Gold will visit with a young sidekick too, Boosterina Goldess, and she can have a romantic fling with Jaime. But Jaime will probably be disappointing and she'll move on to more popular superhero boyfriends and Jaime will never recover because he believes she's his one true love and why can't she see that and how dare she break his heart and she's a total skank jerko to boot! Or maybe Keith Giffen won't mire this book in the nostalgia of his Justice League of America run from many decades ago.

I suppose we're just going to ignore the fact that Ted Kord is back and running around as the Blue Beetle? I guess his mini-appearance in Forever Evil is good enough to explain where he came from? Although this falls under the Rebirth Label which means anything within the story trumps anything you might think you already knew of the DC Universe.

This issue is a better than average typical Keith Giffen comic book. I mean it's both a better than average regular comic book and a better than average comic book written by Keith Giffen. First off, he does that dialogue thing that he does where everybody sort of has the same way of bantering no matter who they are. So Brenda and Paco banter in much the same way that Ted and Jaime banter in much the same way that Rack and Ruin banter in much the same way that every character in The Heckler banters with every other character in The Heckler in much the same way that every member of Giffen's Suicide Squad banter with every other member of Giffen's Suicide Squad in much the same way Sugar and spice banter in much the same way...I don't know how to get out of this sentence! Oh wait! I did it! Whew. I think I made my point.

Keith Giffen begins by giving this comic book an easy reason to exist. Jaime Reyes wants the Blue Beetle off of his back because it's taking over his life and, apparently, it itches. He reaches out to Ted Kord because Ted is a nice guy billionaire industrialist who knows a thing or two about Blue Beetles. That's the simple premise and it would be good enough to launch this book. But Giffen adds another layer in that Ted Kord's top priority isn't removing Jaime's albascarab. Ted Kord would rather live vicariously through Jaime since Kord has a severe heart condition that limits his ability to fulfill the Blue Beetle role. Add to this Giffen's willingness to keep the previous world-building of Jaime's world relatively intact to include his family, Brenda, Paco, and even Aunt Amparo who is still after his scarab for her magic collection. Add to this Doctor Fate and some imbecilic bad guys and you've got an entertaining Blue Beetle comic book. Plus it has the added bonus of appealing to the only Blue Beetle fans that matter: Ted Kord and Jaime Reyes fans. Fuck all the Dan Garrett fans! And super fuck all of the Dan Garret fans! Although most of them are probably dead from World War II.

Brenda is still as feisty and sexy and hot and underage as I remember her! And fictional! Remember she's fictional so her age doesn't matter and I'm allowed to have a crush on her no matter how gross and problematic that seems to judgmental jerkfaces! She's a drawing of a nonexistent person! I'm pretending she's a thirty year old narc working with Checkmate to uncover underage metahumans. So she totally does it and stuff.

Justice League 3001 #11

Is Larfleeze showing them his penis?

The Review!
Keith and J.M. make a joke about how Larfleeze keeps repeating the same thing over and over. They do read their own stuff, right? Perhaps it's a self-referential joke! Ha ha! These guys are so funny! This story has gone a bit off the rails but that might be because of Rebirth and the end of nearly everything, including this title. It's also possible Keith and J.M. just got bored writing this. They seem like the kind of writers who come up with ideas they think are funny, enjoy writing those funny ideas for a bit, and eventually come to a place where they're desperately trying to wring the last of the humor out of the concept they came up with. Justice League 3001 has done its time and is ready to be put to bed. Hell, Booster and Beetle aren't even in it any more! I think they each had too many dicks.

Justice League 3001 #10

All women are beautiful in their own way! On an unrelated note, does anybody know how to clean vomit out of a keyboard?

Rating: This is a comic book that works on its own. It's in its own little universe doing its own little thing and not bothering any of the actual DC continuity. That means people who don't give a shit about DC continuity but enjoy a fairly entertaining book loaded with characters they'll recognize from the Preboot days might enjoy this series. But for people who just want to read books that are canon so that they can know everything about the "actual" DC Youniverse, this book can be ignored. Because who needs to read something that won't bolster your knowledge of DC with which you can "actually" your friends whenever they mention any DC hero at all? What a huge waste of time!

• All the male members of the Justice League 3001 have been killed. Probably been killed. Most likely been "comic book killed" which means they'll be back at a later date. Except this future universe has probably run out of later dates due to Rebirth. So I guess they're all really dead.

• Nobody really cares that they're dead because they're not part of any real DC continuity!

• Who saw this week's Supergirl starring The Flash? Isn't it interesting how that team-up basically happened the same weekend as Batman Loves Superman was playing in theaters? And isn't it interesting how it showed the kind of super hero team-up that people enjoy? They were so fucking adorable together! No misunderstandings. No punches. No arguments. Just ice cream and hugs! Why can't Superman and Batman play nice like that?

• This issue is called "To Have and Have G'nort". Uh oh.

• I didn't realize this at the time but Scott Lobdell wrote the G'nort stories in the Green Lantern Corps Quarterly books back in the nineties. They were just as awful as you're imagining they were. And if you weren't just now imagining how awful they were and were thinking, "Really? I need to find back issues of those!", fuck you.

• G'nort appears and he's over one thousand years old. Just imagine how old that is in dog years!

• If you can do math, you don't have to imagine how many years that is because you can figure it out. Although I can't stand the whole concept of "dog years" or "cat years". It's not like they're somehow zipping around the sun seven times faster than humans. And if you're going to tell me that my fifteen year old cat is equivalent to a hundred and five year old person, I'd point out that I've never seen an elderly human jump up on the kitchen counter from a standstill. And most three to seven year old humans can't get pregnant. How about we all just agree to talk about animals in their actual ages. Because I pretty much know what to expect from a thirteen year old cat if you just tell me its thirteen. But if you're going to tell me it's 91, I won't say anything for a bit as I try to divide by seven and figure out the cat's actual, non-stupid age.

• G'nort works for Larfleeze scavenging worlds that Lady Styx has reduced to rubble.

• Supergirl's new costume makes it look like she's wearing a belt to hold up her vagina.

• Meanwhile, Lady Styx has Eclipso working with the Legion of Super-villains to destroy the Justice League 3001. Remember when Eclipso was just a piece of shit nobody but then DC decided they wanted to make him some kind of powerful godlike threat? So they had the big Eclipso Crossover Summer Annual Event and it was...well, it was just about as good as all of their other big summer annual crossover events: not very. Shit, it was so poorly thought out that Eclipso's hideout was on the dark side of the moon and to defeat him, the super heroes had to reflect the sun's light onto his headquarters. In comic book terms, that meant a big plan that was tough to pull off. In real world terms, that meant waiting until the moon orbited the earth so that the "dark side" was facing the sun.

• This issue has a back-up feature starring Lois Lane and Ariel Masters on a pleasure planet! Oh boy!

• Hmm. That's not the kind of pleasure I was hoping for.

Action Comics #46

Ain't these two just a couple of stinkers?

So there was a panel in the last issue of Action Comics that somehow slipped past me the first time I read it without a huge digression. My digression might not be as huge now but I'm going to pull it out anyway. That sentence was typed with a straight face.

What the fuck, Clark? What in the fucking fuck?!

So Clark Kent knows that Hiro is one of the worst kinds of criminal imaginable in a capitalist society and he's doing nothing about it? How many entrepreneurs and eager young inventors has Hiro ripped off and Clark thinks it's okay to give him a pass? Forget that Clark Kent is Superman. Clark Kent is a journalist! Well, he was. This alone proves that he's the shittiest journalist ever who doesn't give a shit about people in the way that Clark Kent and Superman used to give a shit about people. I guess it's okay to avert your eyes to Hiro's crimes because Hiro has helped Superman defeat bad guys who actually punch things. Those are, apparently, the worst kinds of bad guys ever! White collar bad guys like Hiro though? Totally cool. No big deal. Steal people's ideas and make millions of dollars off of them. Where's the harm, right Clark?

Fuck you, Clark Kent! And by "Fuck you, Clark Kent", I actually mean "Fuck you, Greg Pak." But I didn't want this to devolve into personal attacks!

Last issue, Superman tracked some Supremacist bad guys (unlikeable bad guys who need to be stopped unlike helpful, likeable bad guys who make millions off of their toys) to their wrath factory. In doing so, he's been infected with the angry black tar.

Oh boy. More angry Superman.

I suppose Superman was called a Boy Scout for too long and it rubbed people at DC the wrong way because they decided "Boy Scout" was being used in a derogatory manner (which--come on!--it totally was). Most thinking people proud of the character they were presenting to the world would have shrugged their shoulders and thought, "Fine. Superman isn't for you. But some people love Boy Scouts! Really, really, really love Boy Scouts! You know the people I'm talking about." But instead, the DC Powers That Be would rather be thought of as cool and hip. So their reaction was more like, "Oh? Oh? You don't like Superman like this? He's too gay, right? So gay! And by 'gay' we totally mean 'lame' even thought we're not supposed to use it that way anymore but it's still kind of cool and rebellious to use it that way and the type of people who hate Boy Scout Superman are the type of people we want to like Superman and they're the type to still call lame stuff gay! So, um, how about angry Superman who is angry and beats people up even when there's no need to beat them up? People seem to like Batman and Batman does that a lot! So maybe if we just wrote Batman but put an 'S' on his chest and called him Superman, would that make the jerks we want to please happy?! Let's try it! And while we're at it, can we institute a policy that all women at future office parties have to wear short skirts and no underwear?!"

I just realized at the end of that DC Powers That Be quote that I was really just writing my version of Eddie Berganza (which is probably a spot on impression of the real one!).

So some security robots show up to murder Superman and all of the test subjects including Lee Lemaris. Was that her name? Was she a mermaid?

I guess the angry black tar has made him more powerful? Or is this just his regular old non-powered power levels? I'm so confused by his abilities right now!

Superman defeats this batch of Supremacists and the police vocalize their appreciation of Superman doing their job for them. They would have to be idiotic jerks not to appreciate it! They're still getting paid and they didn't have to risk their lives? Superman is a cop's best friend! Although they might look bad because a vigilante did their job for them. But they'll be okay. Gotham cops suffer through that indignity on a daily basis.

Superman leaves the people he freed to be picked up and experimented on by John Henry. But it's okay that they'll be test subjects this time because they're not free to live their own lives at the behest of good people! It's totally different! Superman heads out to find Wrath so he can destroy this story arc and get his powers back! And hopefully let his hair grow out a bit because that buzz cut is not working for him.

Superman can now phase through shadows. Maybe he'll get to keep this power for awhile because remember how popular Superman was when he was made out of electricity?! People still clamor for those days! In ten years when Superman is an overpowered Boy Scout again, people will sit on their porches drinking Mint Juleps while daintily dabbing watermelon juice from their chin and sigh, "Remember tha days when Supahman was angry and could walk through shadows?" Then they'll sigh and go back to reading the new Batman by Scott Lobdell.

While in the shadows, Clark and Wrath are able to talk with each other. Wrath explains to Clark that the plan is to infect everybody with the angry black tar makes them feel more alive and can be used for good! Clark points out that maybe she should have called herself something other than "Wrath" if she wanted him to believe her plan was benevolent.

Lee follows Superman because Greg Pak seems to think Superman needs a powerful female and/or a thieving Asian sidekick on every adventure. That's fine. I just wish he didn't think Superman needed to have no powers, a haircut, and an angry attitude.

Superman is an undeadaphobe.

That's a pretty strange conclusion to jump to, Superman. Undead are easy vessels for Wrath to fill? Why would you think that? Frankenstein is a fully fleshed out personality just like every other unundead person you've ever met. Why should Frankenstein be easy to fill simply because he's an animated corpse? Seems like a prejudiced response to me!

Wrath appears to Lee to comment on the battle between Superman and Frankenstein. She points out that Superman isn't angry and brutal because of the angry black tar. The angry black tar just reveals the anger and brutality that was already within him. Normally, I'd argue that Wrath was a huge liar and that her underpants were on fire and that I couldn't wait until they burned away so I could get a glimpse of her secret bits. But Superman has been acting like a completely psychotically violent nutjob practically since The New 52 began. This angry punching persona is his natural state! And, judging by Dark Superman in Justice League, it's what everybody wants. I wish I were infected with angry black tar so that I could just give in and accept newfangled jerko Superman just like everybody else! I wonder if black tar heroin is the same as angry black tar? Even if it's not, it will probably stop me from caring about DC ruining Superman.

You can tell this is the angry bad Superman because of the tar goatee.

Action Comics #46 Rating: No change. Greg Pak continues to display his ignorance of Superman as a character. I suppose it's not his fault. He's writing the Superman the idiotic masses seem to want. He's less powerful so nobody has to worry about Marvel Fans pointing out how ridiculous his power levels are. He's angry so nobody will ever call him a Boy Scout again. He got a hair cut just in case people were making fun of his infantile spit curl. He's constantly battling by the side of a minority just in case people try to point out how overly white and male his adventures are. He's wearing a shirt and jeans so nobody is debating whether underwear should be worn on the outside or the inside. I guess those are the fixes Superman needed? And so what if he's not heroic anymore? Who cares if he's constantly battling personal problems and doesn't have time for anybody else? Who cares if he's not an inspiration to people to better themselves and fight for truth and justice and...well, maybe not exactly the American way since that way is violent and imperialistic. Who the fuck cares, right? I mean besides me.

The Darkseid War: Shazam #1

At the end of Justice League #45, Shazam was hit by all of the lightning bolts and became God of All Gods forever. So now a twelve year old boy is running the universe. Great. It's suddenly going to be infested with Rust Monsters, Troglodytes, and Beholders. And they'll probably all have naked breasts.

Oh wait! I misunderstood the use of "God of Gods" in the last issue of Justice League. Apparently Billy's body was simply taken over by six different gods. So instead of Solomon (who wasn't a god by why quibble?), Heracles, Atlas, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Medusa silently helping him by granting him their powers, six new gods have decided to take residence in his head and bicker constantly. One of them (the "Z" one!) is named Zonuz and he's a bad dude! Billy has to keep him in check or shit is going to go down in much the way most people don't want shit to go down. I suppose if I actually continued to read more than just the first two pages of the comic book, I would know what's going on.

Shazam doesn't know what the fuck is going on either and he's several pages ahead of me. Eventually he just says his name and lightning strikes and he's a boy again. Although he only had to say "SHAZ" to turn so I think only four of the six gods inside of him matter. There is Orange Impatient Voice and Black Strength Voice and Blue Let's Chill Voice and Floppity Fire Voice! The Wizard also continues to speak with Shaz but he's just an impotent old man. Not that all old men are impotent. But when you're an old man who lives in a place called the Rock of Eternity, I have to imagine you're compensating for something.

Okay, so I got some of the gods wrong! It was mostly wishful thinking on my part. I want a Shazam with the powers of beauty and turning asshats to stone.

After transforming, Billy has found himself bouncing around The Source visiting all the New Gods whose powers he is borrowing. They begin to tell him that Zonuz was the original God of Evil but his son defeated him. Since Darkseid keeps being referred to as the God of Evil, Zonuz must be Darkseid's father, Yuga Khan. I think he was supposed to be returning as a big player in the cosmic game according to Infinity Man and the Forever People. I wonder if all these gods now inside Billy's head are the ones who Darkseid killed when he decided to stop being a Mudgrubber? I suppose I could dig out my copy of Darkseid #1 with the radical mind-bending cover but I have no idea which white box it's in. Who knew labeling things would be so helpful?!

The second New God Billy encounters is S'ivaa. I previously referred to him as Black Strength Voice. He explains how Billy was transported to The Source between syllables while shouting his name. The gods are going to fill him with information so that he can defeat Zonuz. Billy will be facing him powerless when the lightning gets done striking.

My favorite gifts are the ones that are rubbed in my face!

The next New God Billy sasses back at is the Goddess of Impulse. If I worshiped any god, it would be the Goddess of Impulse because she's sexy and she has Rob Liefeld eyes. That doesn't mean she has the gorgeous gray-blue eyes of the putty-faced man himself! No, no. That means she has the type of comic book eyes that he loved to draw back in the nineties. That isn't particularly clear because he had a number of favorite ways to deal with eyes. The Goddess of Impulse has the kind without any pupils. The reason those were choice eyes is that you never accidentally made your character go cross-eyed (which was a common mistake when you're drawing skill-set is that of an eight grader drawing demons and anime characters on your Pee Chee folder). The other Rob Liefeld eyes choices were having one eye covered or having one eye simply be a glowing box!

I suppose I'd have to allow myself the possibility to also worship any of the Greek Gods since I'm really just looking for a god who is willing to fuck me. I'd prefer that my god fucked me while looking like Ally Sheedy around age 23. But I suppose if I can't choose, I'd take being ravaged by a swan or a willow tree.

Billy Batson doesn't spend much time with Ate the Goddess of Impulse before heading off to see H'ronmeer. Isn't he the god of Martians? Does that mean I should recognize the other gods as well?! Is Ate some kind of speed force god that was connected to Bart? Anyway, H'ronmeer is all, "Get this one, kid. Totally impresses the masses: 'Change is the only constant!" BOOM! Philosphical mic drop! KERCHING! Is that a thing the kids say? 'KERCHING'? Sometimes change can be a motherfucker to keep up with, you know?" Then Billy is all, "You think you know me? You don't know me!" And H'ronmeer is all, "This one is precocious! He might be able to defeat the father of Darkseid with his mighty talk-back!"

No! Beautiful Dreamer's dreams have all come true! The end of everything is upon us! If only Mark Moonrider had been a better lover, he could have kept her from dreaming!

Yuga Khan points out that now he can turn into Shazam and harness the power of four gods because he counts just as well as I do. Which happens to be better than the editors can count.

I suppose Zonuz was supposed to be the "Z" but the wizard couldn't handle him. So I guess it's going to be whoever the hell the "M" is to the rescue!

I think the "M" in Shazam now stands for "Malkovich". That way, Billy would be all, "You don't know what you're talking about, George. Dat lightning staff ain't a staff at all, George. It's a rod and when I says 'Shazam' it is going to attract da lightning, George. Oops! I didn't mean ta say 'Shazam,' George! I didn't mean to! Uh oh, George! I said it again! I said 'Shazam'! I didn't mean to hurt da Darkseid's father, George! I didn't mean it!"

The "M" turns out to be Mammogram the Wizard. He was originally an aboriginal thunder god before he became a big brother with Rock of Eternity's Big Brother/Big Sister program. Now he's overstepped his authority and put himself inside Billy Batson. I'm fairly certain that not entering your little brother or sister is like unwritten rule number one of the program. Hopefully it's actually a written rule. It seems like an important thing to tell candidates to the program.

Shazam is allowed to head back into Justice League #46 with all new powers and a bunch of stupid New Gods as his sources of power. Whose stupid fucking idea was this? Jesus Christ, comic books. If you're going to update an old character, do it in a way that will mean something to the new generation of comic book readers. Give Shazam the connections of Social Media! The boldness of Hip hop! The delicious naughtiness of Anal sex! The incomprehensible simplicity of Zippers! More Anal sex! And the victimhood of Millennials! That's a Shazam I'd want to read! Mostly for the zippers and the anal sex. His new costume might be a bit Gimpy but what are you going to do? Not update him in a totally inappropriate and probably offensive way?

The Darkseid War: Shazam #1 Rating: I guess the old Shazam was boring because he was an unsure foster kid with the powers of a bunch of old gods that nobody cares about anymore. But now the new Shazam is a confident bad-ass kid with the powers of a bunch of new gods that nobody cares about or has even heard of (shut up, nerds. I know you've heard of some of them. Great job. Pats on the backs for all of you. Go get your dicks sucked)! Plus he's now got the added excitement of being schizophrenic! I liked Shazam as a happy-go-lucky kid excited to be playing around in an adult's only world (not that kind of adult's only, pervert). But now it feels like the emphasis is going to be on the gods jabbering away inside of his head trying to tell him what to do. Hopefully all of the voices in his head thing was just to introduce the gods behind his new powers because I don't want to read a Shazam comic book that is an ensemble cast of voices. I don't mind when it's an ensemble because it's the Shazam Family because that includes a talking tiger. But I guess I'm stuck with whatever DC Comics slips into my drink!

Action Comics #45

Nobody looks terrified. That woman just seems to be disgusted and saying, "Um, no thank you." The guy is totally jealous though because he's got a tiny wiener.

The first page of this issue is just there to remind everybody that the rest of the issue is going to be a real bummer. Mostly because the first page has the credits and Greg Pak's name is still in them. But also because a reporter is reminding the readers how Superman has lost all of his powers which makes him boring, the whole world knows he's Clark Kent which actually means almost nothing, and Superman has an approval rating of 23 percent which is far higher than I would have guessed based on the intense xenophobia he's been facing lately. Superman is also still just wearing the t-shirt and jeans look developed in Grant Morrison's initial run on Action Comics when The New 52 began.

Here's a theory that's too dumb to be true which means it's probably true based on the intelligence of the people running DC Comics: could it be that the editors and creative directors believe that the only successful run of Superman so far (Morrison's Action Comics run) was successful because of what he was wearing?!

The reporter points out that Superman is actually being heroic which makes no sense because people hate him and he lost his powers so why is he bothering? He's probably just trying to increase his approval rating. What a jerk.

See? People in on Earth-You are stupid jerks.

Even if it's just for show, it's more than that greasy cook is doing to save people's lives. And Superman doesn't even expect anything in return from the people he's saving, like belief in his Lord and Savior or monetary gain! Oh wait. I guess he expects good press!

I just realized the main reason everybody should be angry at Superman! Somebody needs to do an expose on Clark Kent and dig up all of his articles that praise Superman! Then at least people can be mildly disgusted about how Superman used his bully pulpit to present himself as a great guy with terrific abs and an inordinate ability to please his lovers.

Everybody knew he was an alien before, didn't they? Why is that such a big deal now?

If everybody didn't already realize Superman was an alien, how did it become an issue? Finding out he's Clark Kent should have made people suspect that maybe he was just pretending to be an alien! Hasn't anybody done that fucking expose on Clark Kent yet that I mentioned earlier?! You'd think that would be the entirety of the episode of "60 Minutes" the week following Lois's article. "Who is Clark Kent?!" I'm sure records exist that document him all the way back to when he was a baby. And only he, Martha, and Jonathan know the details of his arrival on this planet, and two of those people are dead! Couldn't Clark just point out he was born on the farm? He should just say he made up the Krypton back story to go with the costume and the alter ego after he discovered he had strange powers that he probably got from that jerk Lex Luthor!

I don't even get this part of the argument. I don't think Greg Pak even understands why people hate Superman. He probably just has Eddie Berganza over his shoulder yelling, "You have to make people hate Superman or I'll touch your junk!"

My main complaint about this diner that Clark Kent wandered into to write isn't even that the cook is an idiot. My main complaint is that they have a television on the wall blaring out the fucking news as people try to enjoy their greasy food.

The cook and the waitress get into a physical confrontation as Clark decides whether or not to intervene. Apparently he now has some kind of face altering technology. It's not Spyral brand though; it's the knock-off Waynetech version. Clark uses his heat vision to set off the sprinklers which disrupts the fight. He also leaves a forty dollar tip for the waitress because I guess we were supposed to be on her side in the brawl even though she was being a huge ass and escalated the entire argument by throwing glasses? Oh wait, I think it was okay to smash up the store because the cook made a sexist comment. That'll teach him to get mad when the waitress tells him to shut up! What a huge jerk!

When are we going to find out what happened to Krypto? And did Superman just abandon the Fortress of Solitude?

Superman has a new Fortress of Solitude at the edge of the Talladega National Forest in Alabama. He's also got a new secret identity! He's Archie Clayton and he works at Swan Laundry! I hope nobody ever finds out that he's got another secret identity because his approval rating can't afford another hit!

Toymaster tracks down Superman at his new Fortress of Solitude because of course he did. He can do whatever Greg Pak wants him to do because he's a fictional character that everybody reading has to believe is a super genius that isn't stymied by anything at all! Not space! Not time! Not reality! Of course once Hiro steps foot in the new place, Clark has to blow it up. Does that mean Archie Clayton is already dead?!

Is this the Secret Origin of The Toyman?!

Luckily Archie Clayton survives! Whew! I was really beginning to like that guy. He's on a mission to deliver warm towels to the gym inside Lyfegene, Inc. It's way more exciting than Superman stopping a comet from smashing into the Earth or running a race against the Flash.

No clean towels needed here!

Is this an Intergang thing? Some people might be wondering how Archie Clayton figured out this was going on at Lyfegene. It's not like he's the World's Greatest Detective! But he was a fairly mediocre investigative journalist! Sure, most of his investigations had to do with the size of Superman's cock (Huge!) and how heterosexual Superman was (Way!) and how often he scored on a daily basis (100%! Sometimes more!). When Clark Kent actually put his mind to the job instead of just writing puff pieces on Superman, Clark has discovered he's actually pretty good at his job! All this time, he could have been giving Lois Lane a run for her Pulitzer!

Actually they're not Intergang. That was so last universe. These are those Supremacist guys. They're like super racists with access to power stealing technology.

Why is this universe so chock full of power stealing technology?! I have a new theory that might be too dumb to be true (but probably isn't): comic book writers are lazy!

Archie Clayton has to rip off his uniform and expose himself as Clark Kent! I mean Superman! He saves everybody and discovers they've been infected with the Black Stuff just like Lee Lambert! Also they've captured Lee Lambert! Also Superman gets infected with the Black Stuff too!

Great. Once again, Superman has been compromised by bad shit! Batman was so fucking right about this guy being a danger to the world.

Action Comics #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. So many things that need to change in the way Superman comics are currently written that I probably couldn't come up with them all offhand. But one thing that needs to stop immediately is the way Superman keeps getting compromised and turning bad. Between being mind-controlled by psychics, possessed by the Joker, turned into a sorceress's puppet through magic, or infected with the Doomsday virus, Superman has become the biggest enemy in Superman comic books. What does any of it prove? That he can overcome adversity? No. It proves he's a selfish prick that's a bigger danger to the world than anything he's fighting against. He keeps proving Batman right, time and time again. This guy is dangerous. And he's selfish because he doesn't leave Earth when he realizes that he doesn't have any defense against being manipulated. I don't think Superman is selfish, so writers have only two choices. Either Superman leaves the Earth until he can find a way to stop being controlled by every piece of shit villain that comes down the pike, or writers need to just fucking stop with the "Superman is being controlled and is now a danger to everybody" story arcs! Can somebody please just make Superman heroic again?!

Justice League 3001 #4

Oh look. Another comic book I can read because I haven't been shot by some nut with a gun. Lucky me.

I'm not anti-owning guns. But all gun owners are fucking cowards. All of them. You want to continue to be able to own a gun legally in this country? Take some fucking responsibility for every person killed with a gun. Apparently you think the amount of American lives taken by guns is worth owning your gun or else you'd participate in finding an actual solution to this problem instead of grasping tighter and tighter to your precious weapon. What we need is second and third tier punishments for gun crimes. If you believe your gun will never be used to commit murder because you're so fucking responsible with it then you should agree to punishments that extend beyond the shooter. If the gun is used in an accidental shooting death, you get manslaughter. If the gun was stolen, the previous owner of the gun should be charged as an accessory to the crime. If the gun was legally purchased, the seller should be levied with a hefty fine or, if sold outside the letter of the law, charged as an accessory to the murder as well. Go ahead. Keep your fucking guns so you can feel safe. But don't for a second believe that part of the cost of your gun isn't, every day, being paid in somebody else's blood. Live your life of paranoia and mistrust, only feeling safe and comfortable because you can shoot the fuck out of the boogeyman you just know is eventually going to come crashing through your living room window. Owning a gun isn't about freedom. It's about locking the cage from the inside because you're terrified of everything out of your control.

My favorite part about the current state of Second Amendment Supporter debate is that it's all about crying about how quickly people complain about guns when a mass shooting happens. So their argument is that people should just fucking accept that guns are everywhere and one day one of them will, once again, eventually be used to kill a bunch of people? Just shut up and take it? Are only brain dead people on the side of the NRA because I haven't seen a debate tactic this bad since my seventh grade debate team tried to argue that cheerleading causes teen pregnancy. Although we did have a lot of pregnant cheerleaders that year.

Only when a mass shooting takes place where the shooter is using a bow and arrows will the mantra "guns don't kill people; people kill people" be an acceptable argument. Until then, guns kills people. When a lot of people die, it's because of a gun.

Anyway, I'm going to read a comic book now. If you're a gun owner, you're probably not reading this sentence. Although if you have stuck around, you probably understood my point without being personally insulted by my comments. Because they aren't personal. But something needs to be done and I think that something needs to come from gun owners. Either you're going to have to find a solution or you're going to have to give up your gun. I suppose you can also just continue to feel happy and safe with your gun and your delusional beliefs that these tragedies only happen because evil exists in the world and because the victims were too dumb to not shoot the killer first. I suppose that's a justifiable way to continue living too. I suppose.

This issue is just a story told by an idiot full of comic book shenanigans. Teri is the idiot. Her shenanigans are supposedly just a training exercise.

I hope The Joker still exists in 3001!

Teri has been sent by Lois Lane in her Ariel disguise to run around the frozen planet of Nirvana until she freezes to death. Teri doesn't know she's supposed to freeze to death though. She thinks she's helping locate some mysterious signal. Teri doesn't freeze to death nor find a mysterious signal. But she does find Mirror Master 3001! This meeting allows Giffen and DeMatteis to write a "I knew Barry Allen and you're no Barry Allen!" joke which maybe 10% of the people reading this comic book probably remember from the vice presidential debates in 1988. Giffen and DeMatteis love their recycled old jokes!

Mirror Master has come to Nirvana to retire and try to figure out life in the 31st Century. So I guess he's the original who probably lived in a mirror and didn't age for 1000 years. But since he's not into petty theft anymore, he winds up in a buddy comedy with The Flash (Teri Version).

The Flash's suggestion is, of course, to run.

Mirror Master disappears into a reflective surface of polished ice and The Flash is mauled by Piranha Bears. But she survives to never tell anybody about her meeting with The Mirror Master until telling her story to a drunk and passed out Diana now. The final revelation is made when Teri tries to drag Diana out of the bar and back to headquarters.

Of course Diana and Etta were lovers! I guess that revelation isn't as revealing as I made it out to be by calling it a "revelation" as opposed to "confirmation of previously acknowledged suppositions."

Justice League 3001 #4 Rating: No change. DC Comics should really consider more comic books like Justice League 3001. I don't mean more comics by old writers recycling the same old jokes they've been writing across their entire careers. No, I mean more comic books that take place in their own special DC Universe. In fact, DC Comics should color code the comic books depending on which DC Universe they take place in. Forget having a special label for the 52 different universes. Just let certain stories take place in certain universes without having to write an entire sourcebook on every universe. The comic books should be color coded by the DC Comics Logo on the front cover. So Gods and Monsters currently have a Gold Logo, so any story that takes place in that universe should have a Gold Logo on the cover. Any story that takes place in the universe with the Crayola Time Lords should have a Magenta Logo on the cover. Comics taking place in the Justice League 3001 universe should have an Argyle Logo. Comics taking place in the DC Youniverse should have a Hot Pink Logo while comics in The New 52 Universe should retain the regular Blue Logo. And finally, comic books taking place in Eddie Berganza's Universe should have a Turd Logo. It would make sense! Then people who are only interested in certain characters from certain universes could readily tell which comic books to pick up!