Superman: Up in the Sky #4

Best DC cover ever or greateast DC cover ever? Those are the only two choices.

You can joke about whatever you want. But what you choose to joke about and who you choose to laugh at reveals something about you. And after that revelation, some people are going to dislike you.

Here's a joke that I will always love even if some people would label me ableist or sexist because of it:

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she's a woman.

I think this is a good joke even if it's sexist because it takes a surprising turn. You think I'm being ableist and then BAM! I steer us over a sexist cliff with the punchline. I also understand that telling this joke says something about me that maybe others won't like. I'm fine with that and even if people shout at me about it, I'll still agree with those people on most social, economic, and political philosophies because I'm not a tantrum throwing idiot who uses other people as an excuse to be a terrible person.

Do I believe women are worse drivers than men? No. Does this joke rely on a systemic bias inherent in our social beliefs that is sexist at its core? Yes. Does that make it not funny? I don't think so! But while loving this joke, would I tell it to an audience that I didn't already know understands who I am? Definitely not.

My main issue with jokes which rely on systemic racism or sexism for the listener to understand the punch line is that they feed that systemic bias. The people who will laugh at the Helen Keller joke are probably mostly people I would disagree with in many other ways. They do believe women are worse drivers. Why would I want to be a part of that? And why would I feel sexism is less concerning than racism. I like the Helen Keller sexist joke but I don't like this joke and would never tell this joke (except as an example of a joke I wouldn't tell) because I feel it is, ultimately, harmful: What do you call a black man in a suit? Defendant. That "joke" says so much about our society that it fucking hurts. The only way that joke makes any sense is if we as a society assume black men are typically criminals. Every single joke made that assumes black men are dangerous or criminals makes the world a little bit unsafer for black men.

You can say you're just joking and feel good about yourself that you don't believe the biases needed to understand the humor of these jokes. But when a joke relies on racist or sexist tropes to be funny, you can't deny they're feeding those tropes. Kids learn those tropes through people just joking. They present the biased views of society in an easily digestible manner which, without introspection, simply become a paradigm of reality for people hearing them. To understand a joke with a racist punchline, you must have already incorporated those systemic racist biases into your personal ideology.

Yes. I get it. It's just a joke. But everything has consequences. And, anyway, the people who constantly claim you can't joke about anything anymore often continue to joke about whatever they want. As I think they should! But while you can joke about whatever you want, other people can judge you on your choice of jokes. It's called personal responsibility, the rallying cry of people who generally don't actually want to take any.

I'm getting back to the comic book now because I want to discuss this cover! I've always hated the fascination with the question "Who would win in a race between The Flash and Superman?" Because the answer is so obviously The Flash. It has to be The Flash. If it isn't The Flash then fuck The Flash. Who the fuck needs him? This cover reaches out to me and it says, "Grunion Guy? Or Tess? Or Jeff? What the fuck is your name, anyway? I have heard your lonely wails in the furious snowstorm covering the sparse tundra of existence and I have come to give you sustenance. I bring you life-giving potables to slake the existential dread dehydrating your confused and weary soul. More importantly, I bring you a mirror to reflect your thoughts back upon you so that you can look out into the universe and think, 'I am recognized. I am seen. And thus, I exist!'" If I were a writer at DC, my obsession would be with a race between Batman and Green Arrow. And on the day of the race, maybe Batman was a little bit hungover from a Bruce Wayne kegger the night before and Green Arrow had a black eye from a broken bowstring incident a few days previous. Just to make it more exciting! Also maybe Bruce still had a hard-on from the Viagra Alfred slipped in his tea. Most people wouldn't think Bruce needs Viagra but his constant ruminations on justice often interfere with his ability to get erect. Even when he's touching a woman's thingy and his finger parts the stuff and he suddenly encounters the smushy goop hidden within, he still can't get it up because he's thinking, "Is this a clue?"

I'm so good at romance talk!

Die Tasche. Die Tasche? DieTasche! Die Tasche. Shtop.

The story begins with somebody talking about a race for charity between Superman and The Flash. They say it was televised and that people bought tickets to sit along the route and watch it. Seems like a huge scam to me. How long could it actually take Flash to run around the Earth ten times? Like fifteen seconds? I could probably do the math on it but I don't want to show off. But this story assumes that Flash and Superman didn't run so fast that people couldn't at least see them blur by.

So this kid telling the story says that Lex Luthor offered to double the money to charity if Superman loses. And Superman heard it with his super-hearing which meant Superman was going to just have to win no matter what! He'd just have to believe he was faster than The Flash and then be faster than The Flash. Because that's how comic books work. What makes a hero is the secret reserve of strength and will and confidence that only appears when the hero is about to be defeated. People who are defeated aren't heroes because they don't have that reserve. They are losers. Big stupid losers. Did you die from your cancer? Not a hero, jerk. Did you fail to get that promotion at work because you didn't complete the project a hero would have completed at the last minute? Total loser. Did one of your kids drown in the pool because you gave up on the CPR like a big jerko loser dumb-dumb? Yeah. Not a hero. Maybe even a villain!

But Superman, being a hero, now had to win the race for charity! And The Flash apparently isn't a hero because where were his secret reserves to beat Superman? What an idiotic failure.

Although I haven't finished the story yet! Maybe Superman is still going to lose just like the cover implies! I bet the point of this story is that Superman loses sometimes but nobody ever gives up hope in him! And he always tries his hardest! And maybe even before the race, he made a bet in Vegas that Lex Luthor would bet a billion dollars against him which would pay off like a billion to one!

Lame. Superman wins.

Superman wins but the dumb kid telling the story doesn't explain how. The kid just goes on and on about contradictions but totally uses the word incorrectly. Like saying "Superman is faster than a speeding bullet" is a contradiction. Is it? How? If Superman is faster than a speeding bullet than he's faster than a speeding bullet and that's not a contradiction! Stupid idiot kid. The kid is so dumb I bet the kid got the story wrong and just made it up to make herself feel better. Because the kid telling the story is the girl that Superman is looking for and she has to believe that Superman can do the impossible (like win a race against The Flash) or else she's just going to rot on whatever planet she's lost on.

So the story is about hope or something. Superman hopes and so Superman does. It's kind of like Oprah's Secret, I guess? It doesn't make any sense but since it's Superman, you always know he's going to win. Even that time he died, he won by killing Doomsday as well. So see? Blade was wrong. You should always bet on red! And blue!

The second story is also about hope. Hey! Are all these stories about the hope Superman gives people?! I've been duped! I thought this was going to be a bunch of stories about how hard Superman can punch bad guys! Stupid DC Comics hiring some intellectual namby-pamby like Tom King! Writing stories that are all, "Superman shows how faith and hope can inspire us to be better than we are!" Whatever! I hope the next issue is about Superman punching a gigantic space monster!

Superman: Up in the Sky #4 Rating: Oh yeah! The second story was about Superman interacting with Clark Kent because they were struck by magic space lightning and separated into two unique people. As if that's a thing! Somehow Superman's Kryptonian DNA makes him all logical and shit while his human upbringing makes him all emotional and valiant and sacrificial and awesome! Isn't that the way it always is? Humans are the greatest beings in the universe because they know how to cry while reading Shakespeare! Everybody else in the universe is a boring old rational Vulcan! If another alien species is allowed to be emotional, they only get one emotion. Like how Klingons are angry and Ferrengi are sneaky and Romulans have huge cocks and Guardians of the Universe are assholes. Only humans have mastered the spectrum of emotion and that makes them the best! Go Clark Kent! You teach that Superman a thing or two about hope! Now merge with him again for next issue and get to punching shit!

DK III: The Master Race #9

Did anybody else get the Frank Miller Jizzed All Over the Cover Variant?

If somebody were to have traveled through time to tell me thirty years ago that the Dark Knight Returns would shit all over itself in the subsequent sequels, I would have said, "What's the Dark Knight Returns?" That might be a bit of an exaggeration but I certainly hadn't read the series when it came out. I did own at least two of the four books though! Probably because there was so much hype surrounding them! I just never got around to reading them. I mean, I eventually did! But I might have been looking past the comic book at my current crush and didn't really absorb anything I was reading. You know what? I should probably reread that series. Maybe I was wrong to be disappointed by this series! Maybe The Dark Knight Returns isn't actually as good as everybody almost always claims it is! Maybe it's just as poorly paced and boring as this story!

You know what? I should probably reread this story too! Making snide comments while reading comic books doesn't really help one ingest the full meaning and scope of the comic being read. It's like watching somebody you're attracted to do something talented while constantly thinking, "I wonder what that butt smells like?" You know how that is, right? Afterward they're all, "So, how did I do?!" And you're all, "My pants are ruined!" Then they make that face that says, "We probably won't be talking for awhile." And then you go home and change your undergarments while crying a snot river of your own making.

By the way, that never happened to me and if you say it did, I'll delete this from the Internet and say, "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" Boy, won't you look stupid!

Currently in DK III: The Master Race (Kryptonian! The Master Race is Kryptonian! Unless it's the Amazons. Maybe it's just rich white guys. I don't know!), the Kandorians have decided to eat nuclear fuel and explode so that they can destroy Earth. It's possible this is a thinly veiled allegory about Islamic terrorism but I'm not prepared to talk about serious issues here. Let's just pretend that these extremist Kryptonians who are threatening to blow up the world because nobody would acquiesce to follow their stupid rules is simply that. No reason to ruin a mediocre comic book with controversial issues! I don't know what part of the issues would be controversial because I said I'm not getting into that. You can decide what part of the allegory that isn't actually an allegory is the worst part of the non-existent allegory. Me? I'm just going to finish reading this story that's only about Batman saving the world from aliens and that's all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ixnay on the alfhay-eedbray! I'm trying to keep this lighthearted!

Somehow, Batman knew exactly where the Kandorians would blow themselves up after they lost the battle with the Amazons. I probably missed the part where he figured that out. He's the master detective, after all. I'm the guy who gets easily distracted while reading comic books and misses whole chunks of things he just read. When he arrives, he uses the Bat Sonic Cannon to wake up all the bats below the Kandorians. If there's one thing that can easily destroy a Kryptonian, it's kryptonite. So I guess the bats are full of kryptonite!

The Kandorians react to the bats by blasting them with heat vision. Batman is worse to bats than Aquaman is to dolphins. But since bats can't take much heat vision before completely disintegrating, most of the heat ray blasts just hit other Kandorians. They all get hit by some other Kandorians panicky laser eyes and they all wind up beaten and bruised on the desert floor. That was a pretty good plan, Batman! Except for all the dead bats. Kind of a dick move, that.

Most of the Kandorians finally say, "Fuck this bullshit!", and try to leave. They thought taking over the world was going to be easy. It might have been if this comic book had been called "Kandorians: The Master Race." But instead it was called "DICK III: The Master Race." So you know what that means.

It's better just to leave it at that since I don't have anything pithy to say. Besides, you probably came up with a good answer yourself in the hopes of guessing what I was going to say.

Before the Kandorians can fly back into their bottle (or wherever they were headed. I mean, really. Where did they think they were going to go if they couldn't take over the Earth?), Quar and his generals turn them into ash with their superior heat vision. That's convenient! It would have been pretty hard for Batman and Superman to deal with all of those Kryptonians if they couldn't kill them. Although I think Dark Knight Batman is okay with killing when it's needed.

Superman beats the crap out Quar's last soldiers so they decide to set off the bombs in their tummies. Who can save them now?! The Atom? Green Lantern? The Hawkpersons? Wonder Woman? Aquaman? The Flash? Hmm, who else has been mentioned in this comic book so far? That's all I can remember! I don't think Plastic Man has made an appearance although he'd be the go-to guy for throwing himself over a bunch of Kryptonians going nuclear to shield the world from the blast. That guy can do anything. He can even look like a fire hydrant!

The hero turns out to be The Atom! He suddenly grows up around everybody and shrinks all the Kandorians into itty-bitty microscopic bombs that barely exude any radiation at all! I guess. I mean, I don't know how all that shrinking stuff works but apparently it doesn't just make the bombs tinier with the same potential for destruction.

Quar decides it's now time to blow up but Lara grabs him and flies him up into outer space. I guess that's how she atones for being a huge jerk for the last eight issues. Now her parents can be proud of her and Batman can say, "Well, I guess we know who the master race really is now!" Then, to make sure everybody understands, he'll point to Atom and himself.

After the battle, Superman disappears, Batgirl changes her costume so it doesn't look so stupid and then changes her name to Batwoman, and Batman is all, "I'm a less arrogant jerk!" That would be the end of the comic book except DC, once again, decided that we needed a bunch of duplicate pages without the color. Dammit, DC Comics! Fill that space with Frank Miller art so I can laugh at it! I almost thought that was the plan this time with the Frank Miller Lara pinup but then I was disappointed. I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't planning on being disappointed but then you had to put the pinup in and get my hopes up. I hate you, DC Comics.

Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

These are dark days, my friend! Although, technically, you're probably not my friend if you're reading this (that includes you, Doom Bunny!). I don't know why they're dark days (although I know why you're not my friend. I only have room in my life for one and he died a couple of years ago. I've yet to reopen my heart for a replacement) but the cover says it right there at the top: DARK DAYS! I added the exclamation point because I don't think the phrase "dark days" should end in a period. I suppose, occasionally, I've run into a wise old biker type who has looked me in the eyes, shaken his head, and said, contemplatively, "Dark days, my friend, dark days." That definitely ended in a period! But this is a superhero comic book so almost every sentence or phrase should have an exclamation point stabbed onto the end of it.

If you prefer "exclamation mark" over "exclamation point," your mother is probably fat.

That was a standard "your mom" joke so I don't think I can be yelled at for fat shaming. Also, if you yell at me for fat shaming, I'll just assume you're yelling at me for being fat so don't do it or else you'll be fat shaming, jerko! Touché!

I mean, I'm not fat! I'm super sexy and hot and macho! Va-va-va-voom is what you'd probably say if you saw me. Then your eyes would pop out of your head and your heart would crash through your rib cage and you'd die. But your last words would probably be, "It was worth it! So hot!"

Four out of the five creators names on the cover do not induce blood flow to the nether regions. Scott Snyder has been a disappointment lately although I still have high hopes when I see his name. Unfortunately, I don't feel we get his best when he's working with the next name on the list, James Tynion IV. It seems that Snyder comes up with an idea and then chains James to an office chair that is bolted to the ground and tells him to write the script. John Romita Jr.'s work nauseates me. As I pointed out earlier, it makes me long for Rob Liefeld. Liefeld's bad art was fun! It was so chaotic and terrible that I could spend days pointing out the problems and laughing at his mistakes. But Romita's art is all straight lines and boredom! Look at Batman and Superman on that cover. Romita basically took a couple of rulers, set them beside each other, closed the lower ends a bit so the characters would taper to the horizon, drew a couple of straight lines, and then drew Batman and Superman as trapezoids. The look on their faces is the bewilderment of just realizing that fart had a bit of liquid in it. And finally, Jim Lee! I truly admire Jim Lee for his dedication to his craft and the work he did to help create Image. I admire him for continuing to grow as an artist and to as a businessman working in a creative field. But I don't admire his penchant for scribbling on everything he draws.

The other people on the list, I have no beef with. Love Klaus Janson. Love Danny Miki. Love Alex Sinclair (I guess?). I'm not sure I really have much of an opinion on Andy Kubert. I bet he's a funny dude.

The comic book starts out promising!

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese?

Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!"

Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano.

Batman: "The only way out is in!"
Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense."
Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!"
Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?"
Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!"
Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?"
Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!"

Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times.

Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there.

Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt.

Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites!

Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!"

Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid?

In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them.

Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life.

Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen.

So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil!

After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing.

Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes.

Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?"

So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it?

Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over!

Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene!

Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid!

So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?

DK III: The Master Race #8

I've never read the second Dark Knight series so this is the most disappointing comic book series I've ever read.

I didn't say it was the worst! I said the most disappointing!

Batman died last issue. But this comic book isn't about Wonder Woman or Superman or Batgirl or The Flash or Green Lantern or the fishy one. It's about Batman. So in order to make sure people actually purchased this issue, the last issue ended with Batman being tossed in a Lazarus Pit by Superman. I guess that proves that Superman loves Batman and can't live without him. You know Batman wouldn't have done the same thing for Superman. Batman probably would have high-fived Lex Luthor.

Having failed to subjugate and kill a bunch of humans, the Kandorians have decided to attempt something even harder: take on the Amazons. I've got to say, that's pretty ballsy. I rarely ever get too tired walking to the store and think, "Well, forget that. I guess I'll go do a triathlon instead!" For some reason, the Kandorians want Wonder Woman's baby boy. Probably because it's also Superman's baby. Maybe the Kandorians are simply assuming the Amazons will be all, "Please! Take the penis off our hands! It's ruining everything!"

Superman hears about the attack and flies off to save his baby. Batman and Batgirl decide to drive. But probably not to Amazonia! That would be ridiculous. They're probably going to enact some super secret and intelligent plan that Batman has ready to go. He is the Jeezly Crow Batman, after all, and this is his book.

The Amazons destroy the Kandorian army and nobody is surprised. What the hell were they thinking? Is Quar the dumbest super villain to ever grace the pages of a DC comic book?

After the battle, The Flash lets Superman and Wonder Woman know that Quar and the last remaining Kandorians have eaten some nuclear bombs and have gathered somewhere to blow up the world because they suck at winning. They're probably sitting on top of The Daily Planet because that's in driving distance of Gotham. Batman probably already knew that was where the endgame was going to take place.

The Ranking!
No change! For $5.99, nothing really happens in this comic book. Why am I even bothering? It's not like Frank Miller is drawing it so I can feel giddily disturbed by his grotesque caricatures! And I don't think Azzarello is really guiding the story as much as organizing Frank Miller's rambling ideas. I think DC also finds the fans of the Dark Knight contemptible because they fill the last five or six pages with uncolored artwork directly lifted from the previous pages. Why do I care about that?! You know what I wouldn't mind so much? If the last five or six pages were Frank Miller's depiction of five or six of the previous pages! Come on, DC! Don't you have anybody working for you that can come up with good ideas?!

DK III: The Master Race #7

Batman died last issue so, of course, here he is on the cover! It is called D(ic)K III for a reason! Nobody is buying it for just Superman.

I spent way too long making the following terrible Photoshop so I'm sticking it here or I'll feel like it was all wasted effort. I know, in the heart of my brain, that it absolutely was a waste of time and energy. But if I put it on the Internet, it means I'm doing something useful! That sentiment might be the exact opposite of the entire reason behind the following Photoshop. I am a failure.

"The only way to win is not to play."

Some people think the Internet has created a level of toxicity in our daily interactions that is quickly killing the humanity in all of us. But I think the Internet isn't the problem. The problem is access. People now have unlimited access to everybody else and they think that expressing their poorly thought out and bland opinions (generally in a hateful and disgusting manner) directly at somebody who also expressed a poorly thought out and bland opinion is a good idea. A better idea is to not engage with other people at all. Take my blog for instance (which just got a great review today: "this is THE MOST STUPID THINGS I'VE EVER READ." Note the critic ends that all-caps statement with a period. The critic probably decided an exclamation point would show that he or she invested too much emotion in another person's ideas. And that is tantamount to admitting fault to an insurance adjuster). If you think I've expressed piece of shit opinions, the best option is to move along and never read another word I write. I suppose if you generally like reading my idiocy but occasionally wince at some tossed off comment (probably about tossing off), you might think, "I should let Tess know that Tess just crossed over an imaginary boundary that I've created in my head which I don't think anybody should cross, and I'm going to try to get Tess to adhere to my standards with a comment." If you ever do think that, you should probably just move along. Your boundaries aren't a universal mandate that everybody needs to respect to be considered an upstanding person. Your boundaries are your own to manage and you should not expect everyone (hell, you shouldn't expect anyone) to respect them. Your concerns aren't my concerns.

And here's the problem with instant and total access. When I write something, in whatever context, I'm not directing them at anyone. I'm not seeking out any single person to tell them what I think. But when somebody responds to a person on the Internet, they do so as if the initial post was the start of some kind of dialogue, and then act accordingly. They speak directly to the person who wrote the thing that upset them, as if that person had come into their house and shit on their rug. But that isn't what happened. They just wrote a thing for whoever finds it to read and, if they didn't like it, to probably move on and never read again. But most people can't resist that instant access the Internet gives us. They have to comment as if their participation were an expected part of the original post. Even people who agree oftentimes post unbearable things that are just restatements of the original post, just less subtly expressed.

I know "Do not feed the trolls" is a common expression but nobody actually listens to it. Everybody is so desperate to add their opinion to the cacophony of the Internet that they can't be bothered to see the wisdom in not participating. When people say somebody or something is toxic, they don't mean you should wade into the funk of toxins to fix it. It's a carefully chosen term. The more you are exposed to a toxin, the worse you feel. You can't consume toxins to destroy them. You just need to avoid them. When you argue on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook with somebody who you think truly shouldn't be allowed to exist, you aren't helping to save the world. You're simply destroying yourself.

Although I guess if I'm going to use a toxin analogy, I should admit that cleaning up a toxic environment should be the ideal goal. But that makes my analogy more complicated and people don't use analogies because they actually want to speak intelligently on a topic. You use analogies when you want to obfuscate the actual problem and try to pretend it's simple in a way that makes your argument so obvious that the people who still disagree must be total fucking idiots living in ramshackle huts made out of their own fetid opinions!

This digression was brought to you by noticing some Pepe the Frog motherfucker on Twitter reveling in all of the attention he gets from people who despise him. It was not brought on by the Tumblr Anon criticism which I didn't think was a negative criticism anyway. I totally agree that what I write is THE MOST STUPID THINGS! It's what I'm usually going for!

Well that belief must have gotten extremely complicated after finding out where Clark was really from. Ha ha! Not really! It's easy to come up with reasons to explain away any doubt about the belief you truly want to believe in, no matter how little evidence there is.

Superman once read a medical book super fast and then performed surgery on somebody to save them so I think he can figure out a way to save Batman. Unless this series is only supposed to be seven issues long and then it's okay if Bruce Wayne dies. But I'm not buying Issue #8 if Bruce Wayne isn't in it.

Batgirl who used to be Robin but is still Carrie Kelly learns that Batman didn't survive. So she falls to her knees and cries in the morning light. She also probably gets the first really good glimpse at the purple and green colors of her costume and thinks, "I never realized Batman was color blind."

As Superman flies Batman's cooling corpse to wherever it can be uncorpsed, he passes over Hal Jordan in a desert. Hal Jordan is missing his right hand. I bet it was bitten off by a Parallaxodile. At the same time, The Atom is sitting on an atom (not a real atom but the way we pretend atoms look to make them comprehensible to our stupid monkey brains) and thinking about science. I guess these two guys will play a part in the big finale that had better include Batman.

Meanwhile, the Kandorians are massing in the clouds to plan their next attack. The leader's big idea is to kidnap Superman's son from the Amazons. Let me get this straight! The Kandorians just got their asses kicked by one Kryptonian, a girl in a horrid costume, and an old man in a suit of armor, and their next course of action is to attack hundreds of Amazons to steal Superman's baby? Why don't they all just inject Kryptonite directly into their brains and be done with it quickly?

Superman tosses Bruce's corpse into a Lazarus Pit and Bruce returns to life. But he's probably come back wrong! You reap what you sow, Superman! YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!

Also, the Kandorians attack the Amazons as Lara tries to kidnap her brother. Wonder Woman stops her because there aren't any more pages for a war this issue.

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! This comic book is really kind of boring. It's too bad because Alternate Universe comic books have so much leeway to be as exciting and different and crazy as possible. You'd think they'd be full of entertaining ideas. Instead, this issue simply has Batman tossed in a dirty old pool, Commissioner Batgirl questioning if it's worth being a superhero without any real arguments for or against, and Hal Jordan who must now be wearing his empty ring on his penis. Oh wait! He still has his second hand. He's probably wearing it there. Unless it's on a chain around his neck or in the belly of the Parallaxodile.

DK III: The Master Race #6

This cover has been touched up via photoshop. I didn't want other DK III: Book Six comic books tricked into thinking this ideal was true. It has just as many fingerprints as all the other DK III: Book Six issues with black covers.

The evil villain in this book is a Kandorian named Quar. He has more valid reasons than most for getting up to his evil shenanigans. For one, he was kept inside of a jar for decades! What must that have been like? It's not like crops grow well inside sealed bottles. So did the Kandorians just eat whatever crumbs Superman decided to stuff into the top of the jar? Like day old muffins and strips of fat off the sides of his pork chops? What a humiliating life! And what if you were a Kandorian alcoholic who had burned all the bridges in his life? You can't even pull a geographic! Now you're stuck with all of the people you've failed and pissed off, forever! So I totally get where Quar is coming from and I sort of hope he wins.

Last issue, Quar tricked the people in Gotham into going after Batman themselves. Is that where Scott Snyder got the idea for All-Star Batman? No, probably not. That plot is so old there's probably a "How old is it?!" joke that would fit this moment if I were wittier. Getting the populace to turn against the superheroes? I feel like I've been reading that story for decades now.

Batman has unleashed some kind of Kryptonite Acid Rain on Gotham and now all of the Kandorians are losing their powers.

Ew. Please don't finish that statment, Gothamite!

Baal and Superman's Superdaughter are the last two left after the Kryptonite Rain Incident and they plan on making the humans pay for standing up to their betters. Or at least more powerful versions of their unenlightened, selfish, egotistical selves.

For some reason, Batgirl finds herself in single battle with Baal. Maybe Superman and Batman are off sitting in the back seat kissing and a-hugging with Fred. That doesn't make any sense but, for some reason, that song is stuck in my head. Most of you are probably thinking, "What song, Tess? Remember, we're like half your age, you decomposing piece of shit!" I don't know what song either though! It was one of the songs on 40 Funky Hits from the 70s! I mean, the song is definitely older than that! But 40 Funky Hits was definitely from the 70s!

Looking at the track listing after all these years, I don't remember a large portion of these songs. The portion I do remember? They're all stuck in my brain and will probably never leave. Just like Schoolhouse Rock. Just like the singing Mormon commercials. Just like all the songs from The Flintstones. Pretty much any music I heard while growing up is just lodged inside my brain, never to be forgotten. I imagine a lot of the nurses working at the old person's home where I'll eventually die will constantly be asking, "What the fuck is that disgusting old man singing this time?"

Batgirl shoots a tiny shard of Kryptonite into Baal's eye with a slingshot. I think that's an allusion to some Claymation show with a slow-witted dog or something. Baal goes flying off, freaking the fuck out the way everybody does whenever something randomly lands in their eye. You don't even have to be deathly allergic to the thing in your eye! I wonder how many people die each year from spiders bouncing off of their eyeballs. That's like double flip the fuck out time! And then maybe sneezing at the same moment! While driving! What a catastrophe!

As the Kryptonians retreat, the one Batman humiliated looks back and pierces him with a blast of heat vision. Batman collapses in Superman's arms and dies. I don't know that he'll stay dead! But on this one page, he dies! Superman might do one of those things where he quickly reads a medical text book and then performs super surgery to save Batman's life. Or he'll just use some defibrillators on Batman because those things can bring anybody back from the dead, according to television. Even if somebody has bullet holes in all of their organs, as long as you shock them with a defibrillator, they'll come back to life! I wonder why they're called defibrillators when they're rarely used to stop fibrillation and almost exclusively used to just resurrect people?

And that's...that's it? I just paid six dollars for a twenty page comic book padded with a bunch of uncolored ink pages in the back?! Somebody tell me why I'm still reading this bullshit? I don't care how good it might be (and I'm not saying it's good!). Six dollars for this? I guess I still have the inset booklet with Frank Miller's terrible art to read!

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. DK III: The Master Race (*)
9. The Flash (*)
10. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
11. Earth 2: Society (*)

This issue hardly seemed like a story at all! I feel like I just opened it up and it was over! Just a second while I consult my dictionary. Let's see...yep! Total definition of anti-climactic! Even with Bruce's death!

DK III: The Master Race #5

I don't know what the second Dark Knight comic book was about but judging by this cover, I'm going to guess it was about Batman fighting Superman.

The Review!
The cover is actually a lie. It's just one of about seventeen different covers that have nothing to do with the story inside. This time, Superman and Batman are friends. I'm glad I didn't pay five dollars expecting this book to be about the fight on the cover. And even if I did, I would only blame myself. I've been reading comic books for over thirty years. If I were to still trust the cover of a comic book to accurately portray the action within, it would be a sign that I'm a trusting guy who probably has never gotten laid. But since I don't trust covers, you know that statement is incorrect. Probably the entire thing even! Aside from this book not being a fight between Batman and Superman, I have nothing more to say about it. Is saying what the book isn't about actually saying something about the book? I don't think it is. Therefore I have nothing to say about this comic book.

The Commentary!
The story so far...Batman, being the only rational person in the entire world and a symbol of freedom and individuality, is once again the enemy of everybody. What happened this time is that one of Superman's pet Sea Monkeys escaped from the jar and was enlarged using Atom's Shrink Ray on the reverse setting. Wasn't Batman of Japan looking for a Shrink Ray so he could fuck his sidekick? Anyway, Superman's pet Sea Monkey decided that the world needed to be saved from itself. I'm not sure he wanted to rule the world but that was the only plan the Sea Monkey could come up with, so he shrugged his shoulders and told everybody that the world was now his. But since Batman didn't like that idea (partially because Wayne Enterprises owned most of that world and Bruce wasn't a fan of losing wealth) and decided to resist, the Sea Monkey has told everybody in Gotham to give up the Batman or they'll all die. I have a feeling Batman might have considered giving himself up but everybody in Gotham simply went apeshit and had a huge meltdown and began destroying Gotham themselves. That seems counterproductive and a waste of energy! They could easily enough just sit at home and relax for twenty-four hours and then the Kandorians would do all of the work destroying Gotham. Work smart, people, not hard!

Superman can't help save the world because he was encased in Black Matter and sunk in the Arctic Ocean. If only there were a hero whose demesnes was the ocean floor!

This scan was supposed to be of Aquaman with the caption saying something like, "Oh yeah!" But then there was this Atlantean on a squid and I was all, "OH YEAH!"

Batgirl has been brought under the sea with Aquaman for reasons. If I have to explain them to you then you're in trouble because I've either forgotten the reasons or never knew them in the first place.

Batgirl was brought along on the Superman Salvage Mission because Aquaman had the power to find Superman but not the smarts to get him out of the Black Matter. But of course Batgirl knows all about Black Matter. She's all, "Black Matter Lives!" and then pokes it with a needle. It totally works for some reason.

Superman's daughter, Lara, asks the lead Sea Monkey why he commands the humans to do something Superman's Sea Monkeys could easily accomplish. He replies, "I gave them a choice, not a command. We seek to inspire, not dictate." I should remember that! Threatening to kill somebody if they don't do what you want is inspirational! I always thought wanting to be somebody who inspires other people to do stuff was bullshit. But now I understand why people want to do it!

See? This is what I meant by counterproductive!

Batman's plan is to rain kryptonite on the Kandorians so that they weaken, fall from the sky, and get the shit kicked out of them by the people of Gotham. That's a good plan because it works on the fickleness of the people of the DC Universe. Maybe they're not fickle. Maybe they just have some kind of attention deficit issue. It's also possible they're just doing what anybody would do to a bunch of jerks who just inspired them.

Batman joins the brawl even though he's a beaten down old man. He's not really in the kind of shape that would allow him to stand up to even weakened Kandorians, so it's a good thing Superman arrives in Super-armor to help him stand. Then they kiss for a bit and rub tips.

DK III: The Master Race #2

Merry Christmas!

I didn't mean for that "Merry Christmas" to sound as aggressive as it probably sounded. But I can't help that Christians have made wishing somebody a Merry Christmas a passive-aggressive act. I'm an atheist who grew up in an areligious household and we celebrated Christmas because we loved getting together as a family for whatever reason. Pretty much my entire life, if somebody wished me "Merry Christmas," I'd say it back to them. If they said "Happy Hanukkah," I'd say "Happy Hanukkah" back to them. Repeat the previous sentence structure with "Happy Holidays" or whatever you've got. I never thought to answer a cheerful holiday greeting with "I'm not Christian" or "I'm not Jewish" or "Fuck you, you libtard son of a bitch!" But Christians, in their effort to seem completely persecuted by the American government and its complicit citizenry, have decided that they're being brave and rebellious by saying "Merry Christmas." But what they've actually done is turned the phrase into a "Fuck you" which seems kind of against the spirit of the season. I'm just happy this time of year because the days are beginning to get longer and I fucking look forward to once again seeing some Goddamned sun up here in the Pacific Northwest!

I should probably be at the store and not reading comic books because I'm always ill-prepared for stores closing over the holidays. I usually wind up eating burritos from 7-Eleven because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep actual food in this house!

The issue begins with the current Batman being hauled into a police car while screaming that Bruce Wayne is dead. The current Batman is a young girl who is probably named Carrie Kelley but fuck if I know what transpired in DK2 because I never read it. That probably means it wasn't worth reading, the logic being that I only read things worth reading. Clearly that logic is false not because it's obvious that I can't have the time to read everything worth reading but because I've read things written by Scott Lobdell which proves I also read things that are a complete and utter waste of everybody's time.

In prison, Carrie tells the story of how Bruce Wayne died to Commissioner Glasses.

Bruce spent three years dying from injuries received from the villain of DK2. I think.

As a cynical bastard, I want to say that we all die alone and who the fuck cares, at the end, one way or another? But having been there for my cat Judas during his final moments, kneading bread dough and purring as I scratched his head, I know it matters.

Excuse me while I compose myself.

Meanwhile Ray Palmer and Supergirl have taken on the task of feeding and watering Kandor.

Actually, Kandor is expanding too, dum-dum. Otherwise it would appear to be shrinking.

If time travel were possible and a human traveled back in time, would that human appear as a giant to the other humans of the past? Due to, you know, having expanded with the universe?

Ray Palmer hasn't just taken over the care of the Kandorians, he's also looking to make them bigger. Because what the world needs is a bunch of supermen that weren't raised by human farmers to believe that he wasn't any better than anybody else. What the world needs is a bunch of normal sized Kandorians bitter at having been kept captive for years! What the world needs is a race of beings who think they should be the masters of everybody else simply because they have the power to make it happen! Am I still talking about the Kandorians or did I slip into social criticism?

Anyway, I think we've found the Master Race from the title.

On the way to Blackgate, Carrie whistles up a missile and blows her transport clean open.

The new Batmobile is a tad bit aggressive.

Carrie Kelly escapes in her fat Batmobile while Ray Palmer has made a huge mistake.

Maybe in The Dark Knight Universe, Gob Bluth said "horrible" instead of "huge."

Quar turns The Atom's enlargement ray back on Ray and switches it to "reduce." When The Atom becomes tiny, Quar's son Baal steps on him. I know the sound effect "CRUSH" was made but that probably just means Baal crushed the mechanism which Ray shrunk out of. The Ray is always pulling this kind of shit where he fakes his death by going super small.

Ray Palmer's first mistake was helping a guy named "Baal." Everybody should always assume that they're in a work of fiction where names foreshadow shit. So if some guy named Baal asks you for help, you should probably say "No thank you" before signing your name to that contract he's proffered.

Carrie Kelly heads back to the Batcave where Bruce Wayne waits for her. Oh that cheeky girl! I don't know why they needed everybody to believe Bruce Wayne was dead when everybody already sort of believed it anyway (right?) but the ruse probably won't last for long since Batman and Robin are going to be battling a lot more than one Superman soon.

DK III: The Master Race #2 Rating: No change. This is a Batman comic book that just got to Batman two issues in. I guess that's okay because it's also just as much about the Dark Knight World as the Dark Knight itself. Plus it did have Batman except it was Carrie Kelly Batman which is a fine Batman that I have nothing against! Except now that the real Batman was introduced, I feel cheated that the first issue tried to force me to accept Carrie Kelly as the hero of this story! I think I'm on the side of the Quar and Baal because they didn't lie to me! Sure, they lied to Ray Palmer but that's what he gets for believing in the purity of science for its own sake and disregarding the dangers inherent in playing God!

Dark Knight III: The Master Race #1

I touched up the cover because it's already covered in Thanksgiving fingerprints.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Here's a free review for all the cheapskates! Thanks to all the non-cheapskates too! You'll get a little something extra special coming up!

Some people will dispute my choice to call this "Dark Knight III" when it obviously just says "DK III" on the cover. But my brain will not allow me to see "DK" as anything except Donkey Kong so I'm willing to brave the slings and arrows of insufferable internet bastards who are also, thankfully, imaginary.

It's been a long time since I've read The Dark Knight Returns and I'm not sure I've even read Return of The Dark Knight Strikes Back so I hope I can follow this series. Here's a refresher for the two or three people who know even less about the series than I do! You'll be thankful for my always pithy insights to the previous books. In the first series, Batman and Superman fought and Batman somehow didn't turn into a pile of ashes. There was a female Robin. The government didn't like Batman. I think? Gangs of goggle wearing weirdos were running amok. Did The Joker and Batman ride in the Tunnel of Love? Was that part of that series? Man, maybe you should ignore my pithy insights because I think I might be using pithy incorrectly.

I'm fairly certain I never read the second series. So I'm totally set to read the third part of a trilogy I can't remember and haven't read all of!

The issue begins with a kid being chased by cops in the Narrows. You might be thinking it's a white kid because I just said "kid" and you're a racist asshole who assumes if I don't put a racial modifier on "kid" than the kid must be white. But he wasn't. That's probably why the cops were chasing him. Look, we all live in America. No, no. Don't argue. If you don't live in America, you just think you don't live in America because America is like a violently patriotic sneeze-fit mist covering the world. It's an idea that has permeated the logic of everything, making us all see through red-, white-, and blue-tinted glasses. I didn't specify that it wasn't a curse. I'm just saying it's the way things are. Anyway, we all live in America. Shh! Shh! Don't argue because then I'll just have to say it again so I can get to my thought. And living in America, we all understand that if you're black, you're already a suspect. If you don't believe that then you're desperately living in a state of denial rivaling that of parents who think their daughter broke curfew because she "fell asleep watching movies on her boyfriend's couch." Hey parents? They were fucking. The kids were fucking and that's why they got home late. Deal with it. Anyway, nothing proves the point more that black Americans live in a state of perpetual suspectness more than the fact that unarmed black men are regularly shot by police while white men with assault rifles can march around freely in public citing open carry laws. I don't see any police giving black males the benefit of the doubt when they're walking around with an object that might be a gun if you squint a little bit and are a racist cop.

Some people defend cops citing that their job is dangerous and they need every means at their disposal to protect themselves. But that doesn't mean it's not racist that part of the means of protecting themselves is shooting black males at the drop of practically anything because the cops fear black males. That's racist. Believing that black males are more likely to commit violent crimes is also racist which perpetuates the fear of black males which causes more of them to get shot by police because police think they're all up to no good and can kill with wallets or cigarettes or just...I don't know... laser eyes. Do black males have laser eyes? If they had laser eyes, I might defend the police. But I'm fairly certain black males do not have laser eyes.

Anyway, this kid snaps some pictures of Batman beating up the cops about to shoot the kid.

That'll do, Batman. That'll do.

Oh wait! It's the pig that's told "That'll do" and not the guy slaughtering the pig! I always get Babe mixed up with eating bacon. You know where you went wrong, pigs? You should never have developed a body that contains so many different tastes in it! Bacon. Ham. Pork chops. Cracklings! You're a white trash buffet on legs! You really should have evolved to taste like vegetables. But then I guess mankind would never have welcomed you into his barnyard to eat the corpses of his victims, would he?

The kid's photos go viral which must mean they infect a lot of people and make them sick. Which they do! Everybody is upset seeing Batman beating up cops. I don't see anybody saying anything clever like "Well, I guess the Bat watches the watchmen from his bat tower of bats!" I wish I were clever so I could come up with examples of clever things people might say. People should be grateful that Batman is keeping cops in line but I guess nobody wants a mysterious masked man taking the law into his own hands when they have unmasked cops doing that already.

For the record, I'm pro Batman beating up cops in a comic book. I'm sure he has a good reason because this is a contrived plot written by writers who I trust to have an interesting story in mind. It might not be a good story but it will probably be coherent and interesting. If Batman were beating up cops in a Lobdell comic book, I might not be in favor of that. Mostly I wouldn't be in favor of Lobdell writing another comic book. Haven't we been tortured enough?

Meanwhile in the Amazon (maybe?)...

Why isn't there lightning behind the Minocentaur? There should be lightning.

A Minocentaur! That sounds like a job for Wonder Woman! Which it totally is. I wonder if Wonder Woman ever gets tired of having to be the hero to battle anything mythological? It's as if her ultimate nemesis is a twelve year old boy with dozens of dice stuffed into a purple Crown Royal bag tied to his belt loop.

The Minocentaur reminds me that it's Thanksgiving and I'm all prepared for my annual Thanksgiving tradition which I've been partaking of whenever I could since I was just a small boy! I have a bag of nacho flavored chips, a can of bean dip, and two Ray Harryhausen movies saved to my DVR! When I was much younger and Thanksgiving took place at my grandparents' house just a few houses down from my mom's house, I used to walk over early and sit in the living room watching Jason and the Argonauts or The 7th Voyage of Sinbad while my grandmother cooked and family slowly trickled in. Thanks to the resurgence of broadcast television stations showing old television shows and movies, I now have both of those movies saved to my DVR and it's time to watch them while stuffing my face! That's what Thanksgiving means to me! I love you, Grandma and Grandpa even though you're just memories in my head! You were the best!

Wonder Woman goes meta for a bit and talks about comic book heroes and how the story is always about the heroes saving people who eventually turn on them like xenophobic, fearful rat bastards. But the heroes continue to save the worthless sputtering fools because that's what has to happen in a comic book or nobody is going to continue to buy them. At least not super hero comic books. There has to be a minimum amount of heroics and punching or a super hero comic book just becomes an indie comic book and then the writing has to be intelligent or nobody will buy it. At least with super hero comic books, the writing can be (and usually is!) complete shit and people are still willing to buy them because "LOOK AT DAVID FINCH'S ART OMG! I COULD MASTURBATE TO THESE WAY TOO YOUNG LOOKING WOMEN ALL DAY LONG!"

Speaking of masturbating! Here's Wonder Woman's naked boob! Sure, she's using it to feed a baby just like boobs are intended but look at it! It's naked!

The above scan is probably some kind profound commentary on life and death but I was too distracted by the nipple to form any coherent thoughts on the subject. Death. Life. Whatever.

Some of you might be wondering what else I'm going to eat on Thanksgiving besides chips and bean dip, right? So I'm cooking a Tofurkey loaf which will probably offend a lot of sensibilities but you shouldn't judge because look at what judging constantly has done for me! I'm just a bitter, cynical tofurkey eater. I will also be eating broccoli and waffle fries! I think the "Tofurkey Feast" also came with some brownies or something. Speaking of the "Tofurkey Feast," the package was a little bit depressing. It comes with some Tofurkey Jerky (god, I hate that I'm eating this product now!) that is stuck together to be used as a fake wishbone. The package tells the purchaser to "find a friend" to pull the jerky apart. It doesn't say "Grab a beloved family member and have fun!" No. It pretty much says, "Pause your Ray Harryhausen movie, leave your pathetically empty domicile in which you are planning to eat an entire Tofurkey Loaf all on your own, and hunt down a 'friend' so you can enjoy at least fifteen seconds of human warmth and compassion on this day! Enjoy!"

Wonder Woman heads back to her home in the Amazon because that's where Amazons should live! Not on some Greek island! It's right there in the name! Her child is named Jonathan because it's probably named after its grandfather. She also has a daughter named Lara who is named after a mermaid or maybe Superman's mom or something. What am I? A Superman scholar?! This is supposed to be a comic book about Batman!

Lara is currently bothering her father in his Fortress of Solitude because she doesn't know what words mean. It's not the Fortress of Drop In Anytime! Give the guy some privacy!

It's at this point in the comic book when I find a little surprise! It's a tiny Atom comic book inside a regular-sized Batman comic book! It's so adorable! Am I supposed to read it now?! I guess I should save it for my next commentary! Even though this is super adorable, don't think I'm not angry that I have yet another comic book to write about! More work?! Dammit! This is supposed to be America's favorite holiday! Right after the one where you get to blow stuff up and cause forest fires. I think that one's more popular although the food is way shittier. How can somebody love the 4th of July better than Thanksgiving when you're probably eating goddamn hot dogs and overly cooked Father burgers!? Gross!

Before continuing on reading this comic, I carefully remove The Atom comic book and then remove the little glue strips that helped hold it in place so that the tab it was stuck to doesn't stick to the facing page. Look at me! I'm a good comic book collector! I mean, I'm not a saint or anything. I don't use backing boards at all! Oh, shut up! You and your backing boards can go fuck a hobo! No offense, hobos.

INTERMISSION! For me, not for you. You can keep reading if you'd like but I'm going to go eat! Happy Thanksgiving! Even to y'all who aren't in America because remember that mist? Celebrate with us, dammit!

So, I was watching Gotham either last week or the week before (every episode just sort of washes into the other like water colors I'm pissing on) and Lee decided to tell Gordon how to ease into something. She uses juggling as an explanation. She explained that first you learn to juggle with two balls and then you add another. WRONG! Juggling two balls is completely different than juggling three balls! It's a completely different skill, you stupid whore! And I mean "whore" not as an insult (the stupid part was the insult) but as a mention of her previous character work on Firefly. Juggling an even amount of balls (or pins (or kittens)) is a completely different skill than juggling an odd number! Duh! Oh, I think that was a Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy! I think that needs a theme song.

Okay, now that I've eased myself back into the commentary after stuffing my face (just like going from two balls to three while juggling!), I'm ready to talk about Superman's role in Donkey Kong III: The Master Mario Kart.

His role is an ice cube maker.

While visiting her father and trying to work through some really serious Daddy Issues, Lara finds Kal's pet Kandorians starving in their jar. I was worry about pets whose owners die or disappear without anybody knowing that they should check on the pet and take care of it. It must be so lonely waiting for your monkey friend to come home and it never does. Then it must be really lonely and painful as the monkey friend with the helpful thumbs that can actually get at all of the food never bothers to return. Everybody who has pets should have a plan in place to take care of the pets should something devastating happen to them! Then I won't feel randomly sad when I think about it! Jerks.

I just finished watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and I was happy that they brought up the idea of everybody pleading not guilty by reason of mind control in every single court case that will ever happen until the end of time once mind control becomes a standard thing. I've only mentioned it about a dozen times during that Doomed Superman story arc as well as, I'm sure, multiple other places.

Back in Gotham, Batman beats up some more cops. That's what they get for chasing him! Haven't any of them been paying attention? He's better at police brutality than the police are! At least until one of them gets a lucky shot in that knocks Batman down so they can start beating the shit out of him with their batons. Please! As if Batman can be hurt by nightsticks! That's like spanking a fifteen year old! You're only punishing yourself because the fifteen year old isn't going to be hurt but they're certainly going to resent you! And have you ever lived in a house with a resentful teenager? I mean one that wasn't you? It's practically impossible!

The current commissioner arrives on the scene of the mass taste of their own medicine and manages to cuff Batman since he's exhausted, beaten, and probably shot in a couple of places. Like the side of the head and maybe an extremity and possibly the vagina.

Yes, this Batman has a vagina. It must be Carrie.

Before passing out, Carrie mentions that Bruce Wayne is dead. Ha ha!

DK III: The Master Race #1 Rating: I enjoyed this! It's like a comic book that's a comic book which means more than it sounds like it means! But I don't have to explain myself. I'm tired of everybody having to explain themselves! If only we had a way to silence the people who don't understand things so we can have discussions that don't need to constantly be footnoted and explained and aren't interrupted by morons Googling the definition of some not-even-obscure word you used! Whoops! I'm getting ranty for no reason! I meant to say that this comic book might be saying that women are the Master Race (even though that's not a race! Just stick with me on this!) since the Commissioner, Batman, Superman, and even Wonder Woman are all women in this comic book! Oh boy! I bet all of Frank Miller's misogynist fanboys (I like to use "fangender" but in this case I think it's safe to say "Frank Miller's fanboys!") have just lost their erections! I bet they were all "Womens?! In comic books?! Ptui! Where's all the beefcock?! I mean beefcake! I mean rugged, heroic white male role models?!" I suppose all the women in the comic book are white though so maybe everybody's first reaction to the title, "The Master Race", was spot on! This comic book may not be worth the six dollars it costs to every Batman fan but it was definitely worth the $4.50 that I paid for it! Local comic book store discounts for the win! Happy Thanksgiving, America and American-Mist-covered countries to boot!
<> Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!

Convergence #5

The triceratops is all, "Fuck this crazy shit! Imma gonna go eat some weeds!"

Don't you hate when people talk for animals? It's so arrogant and almost always not funny at all. I think those kinds of people are the same kinds of people who hear somebody make a subtle self-deprecating joke and then repeat the joke bluntly to the person as if the person making the joke didn't mean to make fun of themselves. It's like, "We're all in the same fucking room as the animal. We have observed what it just did and also thought it was cute and/or funny and/or horribly disgusting. We don't need some asshole ruining the moment by saying in a high-pitched voice, 'I sure love the taste of my butt!'" There are only three people allowed to speak while animals are doing things: David Attenborough, Marlin Perkins, and that Honey Badger dude. And I think two of them are dead. So be prepared to hear a lot of "Sloths don't give a shit" and "Penguins are nasty" with your animal videos!

The first page of Convergence #5 is technically the inside cover which is an advertisement for Loot Crate. Don't read this paragraph if you get offended when people make fun of shit you love and you also love Loot Crate. Why the fuck would I pay for a random assortment of bullshit that a whole bunch of other people are getting as well? Most of it is random tchotchkes I didn't ask for. The only tchotchkes I want in my house are ones I specifically picked out because they were of interest to me. And most of the random tchotchkes in my house right now I can't fucking stand to look at. Except for my paranormal Collect Club figurines. Those fucking rock your face off. With Loot Crate, do I get a crazy thrill running into people wearing the same Goddamned shirt that I'm wearing? Are we supposed to high five and then buttfuck? I mean, the buttfucking would be cool but not the highfiving. But seriously, what a terrific service! I get to pay like thirteen bucks a month for somebody to clutter up my fucking space! Sounds terrific!

Now, I totally understand the appeal of the "opening a present on Christmas morning feeling" unless it's actually an "opening a present on a non-denominational day feeling" or maybe even an "I've never opened a present in my life because I'm a Jehovah's Witness and now I feel bad so thanks a lot jerk feeling." Oh! That's why Loot Crate is so great! It allows Jehovah's Witnesses to discover the thrill of opening presents without it actually being a present because it's a paid service! Loot Crate is a miracle to the Jehovah's Witness community! I'm all turned around on it!

"All over my face! Hi yo!"

Dick Grayson is pretty funny, right? Get a load of his next joke!

If he were more like Batman would he have his wife and child? Ha ha ha! Oh man. Tears! So many tears from laughing!

Deimos has Skyped Brainiac (the actual Brainiac!) who is currently living in a four inch studio uSphere. He wants to taunt him and maybe make a deal to free him if it can make Deimos the lord of everything. But first he has to reveal to Telos his true shape and name and previous life. I think he might have been Strongbow from Elfquest.

Deimos's story is actually kind of boring. I thought he was going to tell him he was Jimmy Olsen or Steve Dayton or Lenny Shapiro. Instead he's just some king or something with a family who gave himself to Brainiac to protect his world. Boring! Although Dick is really into that story because Dick just got done Narration Boxing all that boring shit about how he lost his family too. So now he's all, "We are Telos! Telos is we! Or us! Whatever!"

Later a female character dies because comic books. Look at all of Warlord's angst and sadness! It's a good thing he still has his sexy cat at home.

Even laterer, Deimos pulls out the heart of Machiste. I think he was one of Warlord's buddies. It's a really bad time to be a friend of Travis Morgan, Warlord!

Once Deimos kills Machiste, Val-zod decides it's time to punch things. But he's a little ambiguous about whether it's the right move. Not because violence is always the wrong choice. He stopped believing that many, many issues ago. No, he just isn't sure they should fight because fighting is what Brainiac wants. It's interesting, isn't it? For once his pacifism would be a useful trait and yet he's completely abandoned it so he can act like every other fist-throwing, hot-headed super hero in the DC Universe. Excuse me. Multiverse.

Maybe his plan is just to hug him really, really hard?

I'm so disappointed that Val-zod has been turned into just another brawler. What a waste.

While Val-zod struggles with Deimos, the rest of the heroes just stand and watch, mouths agape. No need to help Superman, right?! Eventually, The Flash goes running off somewhere to do something while Alan Scott tries to befriend old whats-his-name. But too late because whats-his-name decides he's still just Telos and everybody is fucked.

How about just continuing to stand there and ignore your power ring?

Deimos banishes Brainiac so he can't be released even though he brought him to release him to gain power. I guess he rethought his plan and realized it was a pretty idiotic plan. Best to keep the master of this world off of it, right?

After banishing Brainiac, Warlord comes crashing through the wall on a triceratops. It's probably all, "Fuck you! I don't give a shit! I'm nasty!" I'm sure Deimos is trembling in his fanciful boots now. He just defeated a Kryptonian and a Speedster. Now he's going to be defeated by a guy in a loincloth with a sharp piece of metal? And dinosaurs. I guess he has dinosaurs. But vegetarian dinosaurs! Please!

I guess it's not a good time to be Travis Morgan, Warlord, either.

This seems symbolic of something! If only I were smart enough to figure it out. Like maybe comic books like Warlord, which were big hits among the youth at one time, have no place in comic books anymore. They've grown old and outdated and long past their prime. It's as if DC realizes that some of their past comic books actually can be put to rest. How about thinking the same way with your war books?! Enough with the GI Combats and the Mens of War and the Star Spangled War Stories! Make them age into dust too!

I bet Telos is the real Travis Morgan and that's why Skartaris was at the center of the world and that's who Telos really is! If that doesn't turn out to be the case, I should remember to come back and delete this paragraph or else it will be an embarrassment to my comic book reading skills!

The castle collapses and everybody but Yolanda escapes. Yolanda is helped out by Deimos so that she can pretend to be his buddy and then slit his throat at a crucial moment. Dick Grayson finds a batarang in the rubble because the time he found a batarang in World's End has been forgotten. It needed to be reinforced that he will become the next Earth-2 Batman. At least he's better than the last Earth-2 Dick Grayson who insisted on wearing that hybrid Batman and Robin costume.

Oh yeah. Telos has disappeared as well. That might be important later.

Deimos heads into Brainiac's radio station to deliver a message to all of the cities. If they band with him, he will allow them all to exist. Of course they'll owe him a favor or two. They'll probably decline, being heroes and all. But I guess it's worth the effort because when they say no, he can act angry and offended and crush them without feeling guilty about it.

Convergence #5 Rating: Now that I've finished all of the first issues of the Convergence series, I'm beginning to get back into it. I won't have to read the same Telos speech forty times in a row, so that's a plus. And since the stories have all been set up, I get to write about how horribly they conclude all of their stories! That will be fun! As for this Convergence series, I'm enjoying it. It's weird that Telos and the domes and Brainiac are supposedly so powerful that nobody could ever escape. But then Deimos comes along and kicks everything's ass. I hope they explain how Deimos got hold of all the time travelers. I think Brainiac simply separated them from all of their home timelines so none of them could use time travel to fuck up his plans. And he stored them in Skartaris because time there is wonky, according to the dinosaurs and King Beauregard of the Tumblr Comments Section of most commentaries. He's like my Yoda but taller. Probably.

I didn't take the time to do a Scribbly Jibbet drawing this time but it probably would have had two or three penises in it.

Robin Rises Alpha #1

So Damian has heat vision now?

Batman and Robin #37 ended with Batman returning Damian Wayne to life after a slight detour to Apokolips so that he could humiliate Darkseid again. This issue takes a step back in time to begin the end of that story from Alfred's point of view as he sits back in the Batcave hanging out with the Batpets that didn't manage to sneak off into the BOOM Tube.

I see Batcow got a nice tan from her time in California. Get it? She's leather! Tanning?! No?

Holy shit. The Batkids have been gone for sixty two hours? Which means Batman has been gone for even longer? That means it takes an awful long time before the Hellbat suit will destroy its wearer. Why doesn't Batman wear it more often?! He can take it out on short jaunts without a problem if he can survive over sixty hours in it on Apokolips! I bet it uses a ton of battery power though. And now that Batman has lost all of his wealth, he probably can't afford to wear it anymore. Unless he truly has to wear it! Like when the entire Justice League comes after him. That was the Hellbat suit he was wearing in Engame, wasn't it? It would certainly explain why none of the other Justice League members wanted to give Bruce access to it for his journey to Apokolips. Why give him the one thing that would ensure that he can beat every single one of them?

Dammit. As Alfred goes off to put on his 90s Comic Book Alfred Pennyworth Gear, he walks through a panel that demands to be my new header. But I just made the Supergirl header! I really need to figure out the code to enable random headers each time the page reloads.

About eight pages are used to repeat the action at the end of Batman and Robin #37 with some minor changes in perspective and a few new details, like how the BOOM Tube can't close until Cyborg's system reboots. It's a good thing Darkseid commanded Kalibak not to follow them or else Alfred would have had to shoot his ass.

Oh well. I guess Kalibak listens to Darkseid as well as Orion listens to Highfather.

As the Batfamily prepared to face whatever came through the BOOM Tube, Damian accidentally crushed a Batarang. I guess Damain can probably take Kalibak all by himself now, right? Maybe he even has Omega Beam Eyes! Which is probably a horrible turn of events for a kid that really can't control his anger very well.

After a short bout, it looks like Damian is going to have to deal with Kalibak all by himself.

Damian displays super speed, super strength, flight, invulnerability, and super precociousness. He very nearly takes down Kalibak on his own before being pinned under Batman's gigantic penny. It's a very heavy penny! Plus, Damian's probably a little bit dizzy and concussed from his battle with Kalibak. Even invulnerability has a tough time against the fists of an Apokoliptian.

But then the Batpets save the day and provide a distraction while everybody else gets their wits together.

I'm sure Alfred Pennyworth the Cat was the mastermind behind Titus's attack and the placement of the Batcow pie.

Batcow has now had more interactions with New Gods than most DC Characters. She's a rising star!

Cyborg finally reboots and Batman ghost flies a Batjet into Kalibak, sending him through the BOOM Tube just as it closes. Then everybody hugs and says, "I'm glad everything is back to normal now!" as Damian flies around the room making muscles.

Uh oh. Reunions are happening! Just a few more panels before Damian utters the question everybody's been waiting to hear: "Where's Dick?"

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, a naked woman kills a bunch of guys in the snow and declares she doesn't know who she is. It is a mystery! Nobody can guess who she is at all!

As things settle down and Batman begins to put Damian through a number of tests to figure out the limits of his powers, Dick's name never comes up. I'm sure it will be the source of much consternation for Batman in the next issue of Batman and Robin.

Robin Rises Alpha #1 Rating: I recently mentioned in some commentary or another that Batman should get a sidekick with superpowers. And now that he has one, it's going to be weird. With a kid as powerful as Superman with the same diverse set of superpowers, Batman is going to be superfluous! Robin can now rush in, take all the bullets, tie everybody up at super speed, and do his homework, all before Batman even crashes through the skylight. He can even kill one or two people and hide the bodies before Batman notices! I guess Batman's next quest is to find a cure for superpowers.

Robin Rises Omega #1

The first thing on my mind, seeing how the last issue of Batman and Robin ended with Glorious Godfrey's sudden appearance, is this: "What the fuck does Apokolips want with Damian Wayne?" Actually the first thing on my mind is, "Why can I not get any sleep? I have to work all night tonight and I'm running on fumes here?" and "Am I in any condition to take this comic book seriously?" and "What has become of my life?" and "I'd really like to eat a pizza covered in tacos right now."

The next thing I think (I'd say second thing but I just listed a whole bunch of shit, so it's probably more like the tenth or fifteenth), as I open this comic book, is this: "Why does the cover call this book 'Robin Rises Omega' when the title page clearly states that it's called 'Robin Rises Red Dawn Omega'?"

And now I'm second guessing whether or not I should be reviewing comic books. Shouldn't I be making declarative statements about the text and art instead of asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question (the most rhetorical of them all being the "What has become of my life?" question because I damn well know what's become of my life and the only thing that can ease the shame and guilt I feel due to my horrible decisions is a taco pizza)? Okay. Time to saddle up my self-confidence and take the bull by the horse! Now, where did I put that saddle? Come to think of it, where the hell did I leave my self-confidence?! Oh yeah, I remember. College.

This issue begins with Batman learning an important lesson about taking the used Bat-condom with him instead of dumping it in the bathroom wastebasket tucked into an empty toilet paper roll.

I thought Batman always fucked with the cowl on. "DON'T LOOK AT MY FACE!"

As Batman continues the Damian Wayne history lesson, he acknowledges that he was once struck by an Omega Beam and lost in time. I don't have an issue with DC's reboot but it's moments like this where DC really gets into trouble. Because this single moment knocks down a hell of a lot of Preboot dominoes that will lead fans to ask a lot of questions that DC probably doesn't want them asking. Best to just assume that Batman was trying to put together an Ikea Bedroom set for Damian when he knocked over what he thought was a cool nightlight he let Damian use but which actually turned out to be a weapon from Apokolips which went off and blasted him in the face. Then when Dick took over the role of Batman for a year, he probably just sat around Wayne Manor playing video games with Damian instead of going on all the Preboot adventures he supposedly went on with Damian. That's why Damian likes Dick so much! Because they just sat around eating candy and playing video games while living off the fat inheritance they both got from Bruce's death.

Batman covers some of the highlights of his life with Damain since The New 52 began. It's a nice refresher if you ignore the fact that it's Tomasi pointing out what a great job Tomasi did writing Batman and Robin over the last couple of years. Aw, he deserves to pat himself on the back! Batman and Robin has consistently been the most heartfelt book of The New 52, which is strange since it's also been the book with the most on-panel decapitations!

And after the recap is over, back to the confrontation between Godfrey and Batman!

Godfrey doesn't want Damian Wayne, so that answers the least important of the questions I asked earlier. Godfrey is searching for a fragment of the Chaos Shard. It sounds like he's describing the crystal last seen on Earth-2 in the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman. Did Batman come home with a piece of it? Or perhaps the Chaos Shard splintered into all of the 52 universes? Perhaps the crystal Ra's has been using on the Lazarus Pits is the fragment Godfrey is looking for.

Which it is and the crystal is currently in Damian's casket. Whoops.

Doesn't Frankenstein get a say?

A battle breaks out and it's a good thing Batman has Frankenstein and Ra's on his side since they have no qualms about killing. I don't know what Batman's policy on killing parademons is but I think it's fairly liberal. Superman definitely didn't have a problem with killing them back when he first encountered them in Justice League. But will Batman kill invading aliens that look human, like Godfrey and his armored warriors? I think he'd have to resort to broken jaws and bruised internal organs for those guys.

Even after this panel, I'm not sure how Batman feels about killing parademons. I'm fairly certain he's done worse than this to one of the Tweedle brothers.

Now how is all of this fighting going to result in the resurrection of Damian? Ra's already soaked him in the pit that should bring him back to life in 24 hours but without his memory. So if the contents of the sarcophagus are spilled before then, does that mean he'll retain his memory but be kind of decayed and gross? Or perhaps Godfrey will sprinkle a little anti-life equation on Damian and Talia so that they'll step out of the caskets, leaving him free to retrieve the Chaos Shard without Ra's and Bats getting all pissy.

During the fight, four extra chunky Parademons fly off with the caskets and Frankenstein. Ra's and Batman hitch a ride on the caskets and in the ensuing sky battle, Frankenstein loses an arm while Ra's and Talia plummet into a crevice in the ice. Batman crashes to the ground with Damian's casket which comes open enough to dislodge the Chaos Shard. Batman picks it up and remembers his trip to Earth-2 while also getting a memory of the future in which Damain saves everyone. And then Godfrey arrives, takes the crystal and is about to shoot Batman in the head. He doesn't make a long-winded speech but he does speak just a little bit too long, allowing the Justice League to arrive! And Captain Cold saves Batman's life because Captain Cold is the best member of the Justice League ever.

You want to know who the worst member is? In all continuities ever? You probably think I'm going to say Vibe or Steel or Godiva, aren't you? Oh, who am I kidding! You all know I'm going to say Aquaman!

But...but...but...they were in the mountains near Nanda Parbat? Where did these Killer Whales come from? What is going on?! What kind of a horrible taskmaster is Aquaman that he'd make these whales trek up the mountain side to hide under the ice and wait for his command to spring this trap?! Poor whales! Aquaman is a dick!

While the Justice League saves Batman, they aren't able to stop Godfrey from taking Damian's body back to Apokolips. Looks like it's time for a cosmic road trip! Maybe Wonder Woman can help Batman get a lift. Will the next issue of Batman and Robin be Batman and Orion?

After all this time coming to terms with Robin's death, finally putting it behind him and accepting it, all it takes is one minor hallucination that Damian still has a part to play in some cosmic odyssey and Batman's back on the obsession train. Woo woo! Next stop Apokolips!

Robin Rises Omega #1 Rating: Normally I love to complain when a comic book spends page after page going back over previous history. But I thought it was well done and this is actually a really good book for new readers to begin following one of DC's most consistently well-written books of The New 52. It seems like it wouldn't be a jumping on point at all but the beginning of this issue covers Batman and Robin #1-32 and Batman Incorporated #1-12 thoroughly enough that I'm now upset that I spent all that money on them. I could have gotten away with spending just $4.99?! Fuck!