Robin Rises Alpha #1

So Damian has heat vision now?

Batman and Robin #37 ended with Batman returning Damian Wayne to life after a slight detour to Apokolips so that he could humiliate Darkseid again. This issue takes a step back in time to begin the end of that story from Alfred's point of view as he sits back in the Batcave hanging out with the Batpets that didn't manage to sneak off into the BOOM Tube.

I see Batcow got a nice tan from her time in California. Get it? She's leather! Tanning?! No?

Holy shit. The Batkids have been gone for sixty two hours? Which means Batman has been gone for even longer? That means it takes an awful long time before the Hellbat suit will destroy its wearer. Why doesn't Batman wear it more often?! He can take it out on short jaunts without a problem if he can survive over sixty hours in it on Apokolips! I bet it uses a ton of battery power though. And now that Batman has lost all of his wealth, he probably can't afford to wear it anymore. Unless he truly has to wear it! Like when the entire Justice League comes after him. That was the Hellbat suit he was wearing in Engame, wasn't it? It would certainly explain why none of the other Justice League members wanted to give Bruce access to it for his journey to Apokolips. Why give him the one thing that would ensure that he can beat every single one of them?

Dammit. As Alfred goes off to put on his 90s Comic Book Alfred Pennyworth Gear, he walks through a panel that demands to be my new header. But I just made the Supergirl header! I really need to figure out the code to enable random headers each time the page reloads.

About eight pages are used to repeat the action at the end of Batman and Robin #37 with some minor changes in perspective and a few new details, like how the BOOM Tube can't close until Cyborg's system reboots. It's a good thing Darkseid commanded Kalibak not to follow them or else Alfred would have had to shoot his ass.

Oh well. I guess Kalibak listens to Darkseid as well as Orion listens to Highfather.

As the Batfamily prepared to face whatever came through the BOOM Tube, Damian accidentally crushed a Batarang. I guess Damain can probably take Kalibak all by himself now, right? Maybe he even has Omega Beam Eyes! Which is probably a horrible turn of events for a kid that really can't control his anger very well.

After a short bout, it looks like Damian is going to have to deal with Kalibak all by himself.

Damian displays super speed, super strength, flight, invulnerability, and super precociousness. He very nearly takes down Kalibak on his own before being pinned under Batman's gigantic penny. It's a very heavy penny! Plus, Damian's probably a little bit dizzy and concussed from his battle with Kalibak. Even invulnerability has a tough time against the fists of an Apokoliptian.

But then the Batpets save the day and provide a distraction while everybody else gets their wits together.

I'm sure Alfred Pennyworth the Cat was the mastermind behind Titus's attack and the placement of the Batcow pie.

Batcow has now had more interactions with New Gods than most DC Characters. She's a rising star!

Cyborg finally reboots and Batman ghost flies a Batjet into Kalibak, sending him through the BOOM Tube just as it closes. Then everybody hugs and says, "I'm glad everything is back to normal now!" as Damian flies around the room making muscles.

Uh oh. Reunions are happening! Just a few more panels before Damian utters the question everybody's been waiting to hear: "Where's Dick?"

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, a naked woman kills a bunch of guys in the snow and declares she doesn't know who she is. It is a mystery! Nobody can guess who she is at all!

As things settle down and Batman begins to put Damian through a number of tests to figure out the limits of his powers, Dick's name never comes up. I'm sure it will be the source of much consternation for Batman in the next issue of Batman and Robin.

Robin Rises Alpha #1 Rating: I recently mentioned in some commentary or another that Batman should get a sidekick with superpowers. And now that he has one, it's going to be weird. With a kid as powerful as Superman with the same diverse set of superpowers, Batman is going to be superfluous! Robin can now rush in, take all the bullets, tie everybody up at super speed, and do his homework, all before Batman even crashes through the skylight. He can even kill one or two people and hide the bodies before Batman notices! I guess Batman's next quest is to find a cure for superpowers.

Batman and Robin #33

I like to believe that Captain Cold is about to put a bullet in the back of Aquaman's head.

All aboard the party bus to Apokolips! I hope Batman gets in a fist fight with Granny Goodness!

Last issue, Damian Wayne's corpse was taken to Apokolips by Glorious Godfrey. Batman tried to go along but was stopped by the Justice League.

Because you don't have a Mother Box?

Aquaman should really stop butting into Batman's business and help those poor Killer Whales he dragged up to this elevation to fight his battles for him. They're probably freezing to death right now. And they have stomach aches from eating meat from Apokolips.

Aquaman's reasons for not allowing Bats to go to Apokolips are far more philosophical and theoretical than my quite practical reason. Apparently the Justice League can't leave Earth because they need to protect it. I think they might have learned that lesson during Forever Evil. If they aren't around to save the world, some asshat like Lex Luthor will wind up saving it and steal all of their thunder. So no more disappearing tricks when the Earth needs them! Even if Cyborg can generate a stable enough Boom Tube to transport Batman to Apokolips, Aquaman says he can't go.

Wait a second! Who gave Aquaman the last word?! Fuck that fish fucker!

Remember how I mentioned Forever Evil earlier? I just wanted to point out yet another mistake that DC's Editors made. In the back of this week's comic books, they have a map of the Multiverse. It's not really much of a map. It just shows a bunch of worlds with numbers and graphic hints as to who lives on each of the Earths. But Earth-3 shows a world with the continents in the correct direction. Am I misremembering the land masses being a mirror image of our land masses? Sometimes I feel I should get Jonni DC's old job as continuity cop.

Frankenstein walks out of this comic book because heroes squabble too much. Also, he was only helping Batman to recover his son's body so that it could be properly laid to rest. He doesn't want any part in this mad obsession to resurrect the child.

Shazam is fifteen? I think he may have told a few lies when filling out his application.

Batman is trying to gain access to his Hellbat costume which he keeps on Luthor's Justice League Satellite for some reason. I'm not even sure what it does! It must help Batman to walk since it's a crutch.

Yep. It's a crutch.

Seriously though, Batman doesn't need a super suit to make him Superman! He just needs to be Batman! I suppose if all of the heavy hitters were killed and Batman was the only one left that could put a cosmic bullet in Darkseid's head, he might want to be extra prepared. Or he could just do it without a super suit much the way he did it in that universe that doesn't exist anymore because it got the boot.

The Hellbat suit was forged in the sun by Superman. So when did Superman learn how to make armor? And who created an anvil and hammer that could survive the heat of the sun? And what kind of material is it made out of that it wasn't just incinerated immediately?

Another fight breaks out amongst the heroes because Charles Soule didn't write this bit. Thankfully, even though Tomasi wrote the battle, nobody gets decapitated. Batman just stands down and walks away. To be fair, Captain Cold started the whole thing by putting his freeze gun up to Batman's head. I can't believe he did that and the Justice League took Cold's side when Batman disarms him! What a bunch of dicks! Captain Cold should have been immediately thrown off the team!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Darkseid's most specialest boy gets his first New 52 appearance.

Crikey, he's a big one!

Back at Wayne Manor, Superman pays Bruce a visit to apologize for the way the Justice League reacted. It's one of those touching scenes that Tomasi does so well that DC Comics would be smart to make note of. More of this friendship crap and caring for each other and less grim death and nonsense. Although it's harder for me to crack dick jokes when Clark and Bruce are being all touchy feely. Wait a second! No it isn't! I could have scanned a picture where they were being all sentimental and nice and captioned it, "Gay!" What a missed opportunity!

You know, if Tomasi and Soule wrote most of DC Comics, I think DC would sell a lot more comics. To the gays!

Since the Justice League and Superman wouldn't listen to Batman's desperate cry for help in bringing his son back to life, he gathers together the Bat-Family. They have to help him out or else they're out of the will! Too bad he forced Dick to fake his own death or he could have had added him to his Bat-army of Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, Titus, and Alfred Pennyworth (human). Alfred Pennyworth (cat) and Batcow are going to sit this one out.

Batman and Robin #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. The scene between Clark and Bruce was especially nice but what made it better was how Bruce watched Superman fly off and casually went down into the Batcave where his Bat-family were waiting and just said, "Let's get to it." Fuck the Justice League and the Hellbat armor. Crutches, I tell you! Crutches! What's needed for this mission to Apokolips is a bunch of non-super-powered mortals that have no kinds of super strength and even less invulnerability and couldn't possibly stand toe to toe with even the runtiest of all Apokoliptians! But even though the odds are stacked against them, they'll win in the end because they have the most powerful weapon in the world on their side: LOVE!

So gay!

Robin Rises Omega #1

The first thing on my mind, seeing how the last issue of Batman and Robin ended with Glorious Godfrey's sudden appearance, is this: "What the fuck does Apokolips want with Damian Wayne?" Actually the first thing on my mind is, "Why can I not get any sleep? I have to work all night tonight and I'm running on fumes here?" and "Am I in any condition to take this comic book seriously?" and "What has become of my life?" and "I'd really like to eat a pizza covered in tacos right now."

The next thing I think (I'd say second thing but I just listed a whole bunch of shit, so it's probably more like the tenth or fifteenth), as I open this comic book, is this: "Why does the cover call this book 'Robin Rises Omega' when the title page clearly states that it's called 'Robin Rises Red Dawn Omega'?"

And now I'm second guessing whether or not I should be reviewing comic books. Shouldn't I be making declarative statements about the text and art instead of asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question (the most rhetorical of them all being the "What has become of my life?" question because I damn well know what's become of my life and the only thing that can ease the shame and guilt I feel due to my horrible decisions is a taco pizza)? Okay. Time to saddle up my self-confidence and take the bull by the horse! Now, where did I put that saddle? Come to think of it, where the hell did I leave my self-confidence?! Oh yeah, I remember. College.

This issue begins with Batman learning an important lesson about taking the used Bat-condom with him instead of dumping it in the bathroom wastebasket tucked into an empty toilet paper roll.

I thought Batman always fucked with the cowl on. "DON'T LOOK AT MY FACE!"

As Batman continues the Damian Wayne history lesson, he acknowledges that he was once struck by an Omega Beam and lost in time. I don't have an issue with DC's reboot but it's moments like this where DC really gets into trouble. Because this single moment knocks down a hell of a lot of Preboot dominoes that will lead fans to ask a lot of questions that DC probably doesn't want them asking. Best to just assume that Batman was trying to put together an Ikea Bedroom set for Damian when he knocked over what he thought was a cool nightlight he let Damian use but which actually turned out to be a weapon from Apokolips which went off and blasted him in the face. Then when Dick took over the role of Batman for a year, he probably just sat around Wayne Manor playing video games with Damian instead of going on all the Preboot adventures he supposedly went on with Damian. That's why Damian likes Dick so much! Because they just sat around eating candy and playing video games while living off the fat inheritance they both got from Bruce's death.

Batman covers some of the highlights of his life with Damain since The New 52 began. It's a nice refresher if you ignore the fact that it's Tomasi pointing out what a great job Tomasi did writing Batman and Robin over the last couple of years. Aw, he deserves to pat himself on the back! Batman and Robin has consistently been the most heartfelt book of The New 52, which is strange since it's also been the book with the most on-panel decapitations!

And after the recap is over, back to the confrontation between Godfrey and Batman!

Godfrey doesn't want Damian Wayne, so that answers the least important of the questions I asked earlier. Godfrey is searching for a fragment of the Chaos Shard. It sounds like he's describing the crystal last seen on Earth-2 in the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman. Did Batman come home with a piece of it? Or perhaps the Chaos Shard splintered into all of the 52 universes? Perhaps the crystal Ra's has been using on the Lazarus Pits is the fragment Godfrey is looking for.

Which it is and the crystal is currently in Damian's casket. Whoops.

Doesn't Frankenstein get a say?

A battle breaks out and it's a good thing Batman has Frankenstein and Ra's on his side since they have no qualms about killing. I don't know what Batman's policy on killing parademons is but I think it's fairly liberal. Superman definitely didn't have a problem with killing them back when he first encountered them in Justice League. But will Batman kill invading aliens that look human, like Godfrey and his armored warriors? I think he'd have to resort to broken jaws and bruised internal organs for those guys.

Even after this panel, I'm not sure how Batman feels about killing parademons. I'm fairly certain he's done worse than this to one of the Tweedle brothers.

Now how is all of this fighting going to result in the resurrection of Damian? Ra's already soaked him in the pit that should bring him back to life in 24 hours but without his memory. So if the contents of the sarcophagus are spilled before then, does that mean he'll retain his memory but be kind of decayed and gross? Or perhaps Godfrey will sprinkle a little anti-life equation on Damian and Talia so that they'll step out of the caskets, leaving him free to retrieve the Chaos Shard without Ra's and Bats getting all pissy.

During the fight, four extra chunky Parademons fly off with the caskets and Frankenstein. Ra's and Batman hitch a ride on the caskets and in the ensuing sky battle, Frankenstein loses an arm while Ra's and Talia plummet into a crevice in the ice. Batman crashes to the ground with Damian's casket which comes open enough to dislodge the Chaos Shard. Batman picks it up and remembers his trip to Earth-2 while also getting a memory of the future in which Damain saves everyone. And then Godfrey arrives, takes the crystal and is about to shoot Batman in the head. He doesn't make a long-winded speech but he does speak just a little bit too long, allowing the Justice League to arrive! And Captain Cold saves Batman's life because Captain Cold is the best member of the Justice League ever.

You want to know who the worst member is? In all continuities ever? You probably think I'm going to say Vibe or Steel or Godiva, aren't you? Oh, who am I kidding! You all know I'm going to say Aquaman!

But...but...but...they were in the mountains near Nanda Parbat? Where did these Killer Whales come from? What is going on?! What kind of a horrible taskmaster is Aquaman that he'd make these whales trek up the mountain side to hide under the ice and wait for his command to spring this trap?! Poor whales! Aquaman is a dick!

While the Justice League saves Batman, they aren't able to stop Godfrey from taking Damian's body back to Apokolips. Looks like it's time for a cosmic road trip! Maybe Wonder Woman can help Batman get a lift. Will the next issue of Batman and Robin be Batman and Orion?

After all this time coming to terms with Robin's death, finally putting it behind him and accepting it, all it takes is one minor hallucination that Damian still has a part to play in some cosmic odyssey and Batman's back on the obsession train. Woo woo! Next stop Apokolips!

Robin Rises Omega #1 Rating: Normally I love to complain when a comic book spends page after page going back over previous history. But I thought it was well done and this is actually a really good book for new readers to begin following one of DC's most consistently well-written books of The New 52. It seems like it wouldn't be a jumping on point at all but the beginning of this issue covers Batman and Robin #1-32 and Batman Incorporated #1-12 thoroughly enough that I'm now upset that I spent all that money on them. I could have gotten away with spending just $4.99?! Fuck!