Batgirl #26

It's Christmas Eve! This issue doesn't look very Christmasy.

I wish I was getting fucked up on Eggnog right now except I still have to work later tonight, so I probably shouldn't make myself sick. Can a person get sick from the alcohol in Eggnog before they simply get sick of the Egg and the Nog or whatever the fuck is in that stuff. I don't believe I've ever tried Eggnog before in my life! Eggnog backwards is, phonetically, ganja. Okay, it isn't really. It's ganga. But fuck you for actuallying me on Christmas, you nerds.

Yes, yes! I "actually" mean Christmas Eve! Lay off!

I'm only really arguing with the voices in my head now, aren't I?

I'm asking Lord Google about Eggnog now since his name is very similar. Oh man. Now I know why there is alcohol in it. Some jerk came up with a drink made of milk and whipped eggs and everybody else was like, "Oh yeah. This is, um, terrific, Sven!" And when Sven, beaming from ear to ear, turned his back on the crowd to go whip up some more in the kitchen, everybody took out their flasks and started spiking that shit. "If I'm going to drink this asshole's whipped egg drink, I'm very well not going to do it sober!"

It just seems to me that the inventor of eggnog was probably named Sven. Sven Eggnogdotterson.

So, what was Babs up to recently? She'd killed her brother and pissed off her father and failed to stop her boyfriend from winding up in the hospital and given up the name Batgirl. She also hung out with Nightwing in his Annual trying to solve a really simple case. Although I think the artist might have fucked up on that issue which is why the case was so easy to figure out but Dick and Babs were still having a difficult time with it. Or they were just so nerved up from all of the sexual tension in the room that they couldn't think straight. "Hey, why is the killer's name on the list of the killer's victims?! Oh man I hope Dick accidentally rubs up against me and I feel movement!" Oh, also Babs had a new Villain Group after her composed of all the villains she had defeated up until this point and being led by Knightfall. I think that's all the plot points I need to remember! And those are all from my own memory since I reread my commentary for Issue #25 but it didn't have anything to do with the Wanted story arc. Also, it didn't really have much of anything to do with Issue #25! I wonder if I should be taking medication?

Oh yeah! First they were going after Gordon because of something to do with gangs and black market weapons sales and detective work.

I'm really looking forward to Charles Soule's She-Hulk! I don't know why that just popped into my head. I need to concentrate on one comic book at a time here. No wonder I can barely remember anything from month to month.

You know what else is kind of exciting and mildly titillating? The last issue of Katana is next on my stack! So excited to see that comic book end! And that's speaking as a huge fan of the character! Barr and Aparo's Batman and the Outsiders was my first monthly comic book I collected as a wee lad!

So the villains attacking Gordon are The Grotesque (although I'm not sure which one that is. The devil looking guy?), Gretel (the woman with green hair), Bonersmasher (the woman in the domino mask with all the muscles), Bleak Michael (who I think is outside standing guard and acting dour), and The Mirror (maybe? Was that his name? Is he there? Somebody is in a hood or something). There might be more but those are all that I can remember. And Katharsis moved on to Coral City, so she's decided not to take part.

Batgirl crashes through the window on her motorcycle to save her father. She didn't want to appear as Batgirl but it was the only outfit she had seeing as how the Batgirlcave was really just her van. I wonder if Batgirl is going to have to fight Commissioner Gordon at the same time she fights her real enemies? I can see that happening because I still haven't forgiven Gail Simone for that final panel in the first issue of Batgirl. You know the one? The stupid one. I'd describe it more accurately than that but I blacked it out with a Sharpie marker a long time ago.

Oh, here's a handy tip to make early issues of Red Hood and the Outlaws more enjoyable! Black out all of Roy Harper's Narration Boxes! It improves the comic by about 600%. I did the maths.

My best friend Paul from high school did this exact same thing once when some guy attacked us in the only fight I've ever been in. He didn't nail the back flip though. Also, he was just on my BMX Mongoose.

I don't want to go into the whole account of my only fight ever (besides, I'm sure I've already written about it in some other commentary somewhere. You can dig through all 1300+ commentaries to find it yourself) but I will say that I beat two guys with my Hosoi Skateboard and made them flee before me. And if you've ever ridden a Hosoi board, you know the only thing they're really good for is as a weapon. Those boards were fucking heavy. The only thing I regret about that night is that I didn't yell "By Crom!" as I was swinging the board.

Batgirl runs down Bonerbreaker and severs the artery in Gretel's arm in three separate places. The Grotesque just stands buy grinning but I think that's a mask so he might actually be crying. Jim and Babs decide to flee but run into this big jerk.

Great fucking super power, sir. "Look at your reflections! LOOK AT THEM! SO MANY OF THEM! You'll go MAAAAAD!"

Batgirl hurls a batgirlarang into The Mirror's eye because that worked so well against her brother James. But this time, the weapon is filled with explosives and blows up in his face. Wow! I guess Batgirl figured she accidentally already killed one person, who the fuck cares if anybody else dies at Batgirl's hands? Or maybe I should just take it on faith the way I never take it on faith with The Goddamned Batman that these assholes actually know what they're doing. "Oh, oh! We never kill! Break bones? Maim flesh? Nearly bleed out? Sure, sure! But we never finish them off! Once the hospital gets them, it's not our fault if they die! That's what malpractice insurance is for!"

Batgirl reminds me that this group of villains is called The Disgraced. I knew they had a suitably "we sucked the first time around" name but I just couldn't come up with it. Batgirl gives her father some intel on the villains and she mentions that The Mirror is the most dangerous. What? No way! She must be joking! Sure, he killed a lot of people. But all he does is open his cape and yell shit!

Ha ha! "You can walk now!" Good one, Gail! Oh, you don't have to pretend it wasn't on purpose for my sake! I'm cool with tasteless "remember how Babs used to be in a wheelchair" jokes!

Meanwhile, Knightfall has a back-up plan. If The Disgraced fail again (which, I think, their name may imply a really good possibility of that happening), Bleak Michael is to burn down Gordon's house with everybody inside. This Knightfall is a jerk. Too bad for her Commissioner Gordon knocks out Bleak Michael when Gordon takes his My Little Batsignal toy out to the yard to shine a tiny Batsignal in the sky. I wonder if Tiny Batman will respond?

After Batgirl lays down a serious ass kicking, Knightfall calls The Disgraced home. Now they're going to have to think up an even worse name for themselves! And then Gordon sticks a gun in Batgirl's face and tells her she's under arrest. What a dick move! But Babs turns it around on him and points out that sometimes people have to make tough decisions to save other people. Just like Jim did earlier, putting whats-his-name in a coma. Arnold? Samson? Villa Alegre?

Does anybody remember that show? Villa Alegre? The theme song is now in my head! Oh, anyway. That moment between Jim and Batgirl:

Oh, he knows who you are, Babs. He just doesn't want you taking away his Parental Deniability! Parents know things but they don't want to admit to knowing those things so they block them out and pretend to not know them! Don't spoil that for him!

Afterword while James Gordon Junior is hanging out with Knightfall, Barbara gets a call from Ricky's mother (oh yeah! Ricky!) that he's out of his coma and all better! The end!

Batgirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. Batgirl ends this issue realizing that she's regained her hope and her strength. I don't really care that much about the hope part of it but I'm glad that she really went balls tits out on the fight against The Disgraced. Her judgment is better and she's not pulling any punches or doubting herself. She's really come together and seems to know what needs to be done against each particular bastard she goes up against. It'll be nice to have a Batgirl with her confidence back. I bet she's even ready to have sex! Good thing Ricky's awake! The worst part about this issue is that Alysia didn't get to make any jokes or even make any appearances for that matter. I'm glad I have my declaration of Alysia being my favorite character of The New 52 time-stamped via my commentaries so I can point out how everybody else jumped on the "I love Alysia" bandwagon! Although since then, I've kind of abandoned her as my favorite when Vampire Tig stole my heart. I know she just wanted to eat it but that doesn't mean she didn't win me over anyway. And now I'm kind of crushing on 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 pretty hard. So Alysia better start getting some on-panel time before I forget her completely!

Batman #26

Idiot. Owls stand on finger bones. Bats hang from them.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne was stabbed in the neck with a syringe by Lucius Fox because Lucius isn't a good friend. Or else maybe there are other reasons, super secret comic book reasons, why Lucius knocked out Bruce Wayne with Knock Out Juice. Maybe he was actually saving Bruce Wayne's life because he knew Dr. Death was lurking in the shadows. That's probably the most probable of all the reasons although it's still Zero Year in this comic book, so maybe Lucius Fox just doesn't really know Bruce Wayne that well. But I'm sure Fox was just helping in a really strange and inappropriate way.

Well, that explains that. Fox injected Wayne with a vaccine which has to be delivered in a solution of Ether and Ketamine. See? He was saving Bruce! And everybody thought Lucius Fox had gone evil! Well, I mean, nobody actually thought that at all so it was kind of a weird cliffhanger to end on. Sort of if Alfred had slipped some Rufies into Bruce's tea and the issue ended with Alfred undressing Bruce and leering. Everybody would immediately not think, "Oh my God! Alfred is going to rape Bruce!" They'd just think, "Hmm, Alfred must have a perfectly good reason for this and it's going to save Batman's life."

Doctor Death is super excited that Bruce Wayne dropped by because he has a great big secret to tell him about something that happened a long time ago! So it's probably either about Bruce's parents or Jesus. Also, Doctor Death probably should have taken a name more evocative of his powers like The Bone Man, or Titties Bonerificus, or The Fluffer. Personally I like The Fluffer.

Speaking of fluffers, did y'all know that Build-a-Bear Workshop has a station with a sign hanging over it that says, "Fluff Me"? A picture of me in my trench coat with my arms spread out like a Christ figure while standing under that sign was the original header picture for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. That was long before it became my New 52 Blog. Then it was just random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wanted to read. Now, it's random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wants to read but they slog through it anyway so they can stay current on DC's characters without having to give money to a company that doesn't give a shit about its fans. Also, I think some people read it for the occasional dick joke. They're all high-brow dick jokes, of course! I wouldn't debase myself with common or vulgar jokes about phalluses.

Some people might think my "Titties Bonerificus" joke is just low brow pablum but that's because they just don't understand how it's a call back to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus which is all about an impotent man just trying to get his boner back. Or maybe I was just thinking about Damian's dog and erections. Bruce Wayne was stripping off his belt at the time and I'm only fucking human.

Bruce manages to suck Doctor Death through a jet engine but it just isn't enough to keep The Bone Man down.

Doctor Bonertime should market this serum to gorillas to increase the size of the bone in their penis! How do you send spam email to gorillas?

Bruce's skull is almost crushed but he's saved by the Commissioner ex Machina. Mostly by the Commissioner ex Machina's gun. Seriously though. Where did Gordon come from? Is he following Bruce? I wouldn't blame him. Bruce has been acting pretty crazy since he's come back to Gotham.

Later, Gordon and Bruce have a rational discussion about the past and discuss the possibility of working with each other in the future. They both decide that maybe now isn't the right time to start a partnership and Bruce leaves Jim on amicable terms.

Okay, okay. What really happened is that Bruce flipped the fuck out, told Gordon to shove himself up his own asshole, and then walked out of the hospital with a fractured skull.

The issue ends with Batman being shot up by the Gotham Police at the scene of yet another boner inducing catastrophe.

Batman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. Seriously. What the fuck is up with this comic book right now? It just feels like not a lot is happening and I've just got next to nothing to say about it. Plus I really fucking dropped the ball and stopped paying attention to the page count on DC's $3.99 Comics at some point. This is the second time I've paid attention to it and instead of being 20 pages with an 8 page back-up feature, they've now become 22 pages with silky glossy covers. Fuck the gloss covers, bitches! Give me back my longer stories! I suppose all of the intrigue about Batman's past is interesting, like what the fuck is going on in the desert with Bruce Wayne locked in a big metal ball in some underground cavern while he receives a phone call from his long dead father? But it would be more interesting if I were reading this story arc all in one sitting instead of having to get these tiny little tantalizing moments from month to month so that I'll completely forget how they all fit together by the time they make any sense.

Anyway, -1 Ranking doesn't mean it's a fucking bad comic book. It just means it's not doing the shit that needs to be done to me to retain the top two spot overall. Where's the butt play? The nipple sucking? Why isn't it trying to get its tongue straight up my urethra? Come on, Batman! Let's get this party going!

Worlds' Finest #18

Superman just took Apollo the Sun God's full load right in his face and he figured out how to handle it. Get a hold of yourself, Kara!

Last issue ended with Kara crashing down out of orbit into whatever river is in New York. Probably The New York river of New York City within New York State. They're not very imaginative up there! I think all of the towns and cities in New York are called New York. It's a really confusing place to visit.

Also, the Shadow Bender got away. And I don't mean Bender as in a robot with a shiny metal ass. I mean Bender as in The Last Airbender cartoon even though I really don't know much about it. I just know they manipulate elements and have tattooed faces and stuff.

The Huntress takes control by remembering that her father once told her to "work with what you've got." The advice was for when she took that job stripping to get through Cat Burglar School but it's fairly applicable in other situations as well, like interviewing for a job or stopping a rampaging Kryptonian from destroying half of New York. And what does The Huntress have? Why, she has a crossbow! And that, really, is about it. So she manages to use one of her trick quarrels to pull Power Girl down into the river which seems like it would probably work to stop a burning woman shooting laser bolts out of her eyeballs.

Oh, it's the East River. So they're even less imaginative than I was giving them credit for.

Even though the East River somehow drains off all of Power Girl's excess power (through osmosis or something!), Kara is still having trouble with her powers cutting out. They leave her once again and she falls woozily into the river. Looks like they're going to have to track down Desaad and hope that his Power Sucker has a switch on it that goes from "Suck" to "Blow." Um, you know what I mean.

Meanwhile there is an interlude where we learn the Shadow Bender is named Tats and she doesn't want the power even though she wished for the power and the power was granted to her by a demon named Xazdi. Now Xazdi expects Tats to cause mischief and chaos and destruction with her power. Tats approached Xazdi with a great big Tumblr Beef with the world and now that he's given her the power to enact some serious fucking social justice, she doesn't actually like the work. But if she doesn't use her Shadow Tattoo Power, she's going to burn up. So she heads back out on the streets to fuck some skinny model shit up.

Then there's one of those moments that I really like about this comic book, when Levtiz is writing to the characters and their overall situation rather than writing to the plot and the current Bad Guy Du Jour.

I think The Huntress's doppleganger would be Helena Bertenelli, right? Except as we saw at the beginning of this series, that was merely one of Helena Wayne's aliases. So The Huntress probably doesn't have a doppleganger. Except this is comic books so she'll probably eventually be surprised to learn there really is a Helena Bertinelli out there!

After Hel and Kara call each other apt names for a bit, they decide to bet on who can find Tats the Arsonist first. My money is on The Huntress because she's practically The Goddamned Batman (maybe even better! Fucking no way New Earth Batman is anywhere near as good as Earth 2 Batman was!) and Power Girl is still having power problems.

And we have a winner! Although what good is winning dinner from Power Girl if The Huntress winds up eviscerated by a pair of Shadow Wolverine Claws?

I have to admit, the above panel is making me feel sexy things in whatever percentage of my being is lesbian. If sexuality is a spectrum, can I just admit to lying down across the whole fucking thing, spread-eagled, nude, and just waiting for an orgasm? Actually, I'm probably on the part of the spectrum that is mostly masturbation.

Tats gets away and runs into the Temple of Xazdi where the Priest guy waits in ambush for The Huntress as she follows Tats inside. But The Huntress knocks them both out because she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman and nobody fucks with that genealogical bad-assery! But then the statue of Xazdi comes to life and begins choking the shit out of her. Whoops!

Good thing Power Girl shows up to save Helena's life even though that means she's going to have to pay for dinner later. Unless Hel lets the whole thing slide due to Power Girl saving the day and everything.

But you saved her ass with her crossbow after using her to find the perp! I say this bet should have ended in Dutch Territory.

Worlds' Finest #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if DC is ever going to present a story portraying why Power Girl's breasts are so much bigger than Supergirl's? What differences exist in the two separate timelines that would be responsible for that difference? I bet it's because Supergirl spent twenty years in suspended animation orbiting the sun in a tight, enclosed space that didn't give her breasts room to expand while they absorbed the sun's energy while Power Girl was never confined like that. That seems reasonable enough. I'm sure that also explains why Supergirl's butt is so much better. Somehow.

Green Lantern Corps #26

John just punched Guy in the face a few issues ago. He's been hanging around Supergirl too much.

I suppose this issue takes place pretty much on the heels of the Lights Out! Crossover since John hasn't been seen since then. I think. I don't recall seeing him team up to help Hal Jordan defeat PB Anj, so I suspect after he punches Hal in the face in this issue, he'll take off to go do his own thing. I have no idea what that thing will be seeing as how this comic book is titled Green Lantern Corps and Hal Jordan is the current leader of the Corps.

My mistake. I guess I just didn't recognize John while he was helping capture the Braidsmen. Or maybe he was in the toilet during the entire conflict. Although I do remember 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 being there!

John has been waiting for the Citadel from Oa (which turned out to be an escape pod) to return to Mogo with the wounded Green Lanterns that fled the battle against Relic. One of those Green Lanterns is the Star Sapphire, Fatality. While John waits sexcitedly for his reunion with Fatality, The Citadel comes crashing down on the planet where it is gently guided into Mogo's awaiting anus.

This kiss takes place within Mogo's anus.

Maybe Mogo does have an anus, you don't know! Mogo is a living planet! When's the last time you've done gobs and gobs of research on living planets, hunh? Yeah, probably never ever. So if I want to make a scientific guess that the hole which Mogo is able to open at will, like a sphincter, is an anus, I think that's just as plausible as the hole not being Mogo's anus. And since this is my commentary where I'm in total control and don't have to fear losing any anti-planet-anus sponsors, I'm going to call it Mogo's Anus. It is now a landmark on Mogo!

Once everybody on the citadel is safe and things seem back to normal, Raath or Raam or Grath or whatever the fuck his name is decides it's time to preach to John Stewart about how using the rings goes against God. "Blah blah blah end of all existence! Whine whine whine destruction of everything!" Jesus! Give it a rest already! At least John responds appropriately. No wonder he's the best Green Lantern even though everybody treats him like a second rate bitch and he always gets sent out to take care of the impossible jobs where lots of people die and he winds up feeling like a failure. It takes a strong man to take on those jobs!

See? John Stewart agrees with me! Relic's idiotic theory has still never been proven.

This argument between the Lanterns that take Relic's theory on faith and the ones that would like some actual proof reminds me of something I've wanted to mention which has no real context to comic books but it's been in my head lately so now I'm going to say it! So my friend, Bobby Henline, who was nearly killed in Iraq by an IED was an atheist until that tragic event. Afterward, he found Jesus and God or some Holy Spirit or something. I don't really know for sure because the one time he brought it up, he said, "I haven't told you my Found Story yet." And I responded with, "You mean your Fooled Story?" Yeah, I know that makes me sound like one of your cliche arrogant atheist dickholes but Bob and I have been friends since the third grade and our relationship relies on knocking the hubris out of each other on a nearly constant basis. He once shoved me over a bush while I had my hands in my pockets and I just barely managed to land on my shoulder instead of on my neck! And since I was just fine, we had a good laugh about it and how I must have looked flying toward the street frantically trying to pull my hands out of my pockets without any success. Anyway, Bob's fans and the people of his community love his inspirational story about finding Jesus. And I say, they can have him! I don't mind that when an atheist finds religion, it's almost always because of trauma. But when a religious person loses faith and becomes an atheist, it's almost always through logic and rational thought. The religious people usually think those that become atheists are somehow despairing but they should fucking know better. They're the ones that smell despair and weakness and swoop in with a properly timed, "Have you heard the word of Jesus?"

And since I mentioned "arrogant atheists," I should point out that we are not the arrogant ones. My disbelief does not do anything to your belief. Your beliefs don't matter to me. Just because I don't believe what you believe, that doesn't mean I'm insulting you or belittling you or negating your religion. On the other hand, I'm often thought of as a hellbound piece of shit sinner simply because I don't believe in Sky Cake. I suppose the reason atheists are seen as arrogant is because they believe they're actually in control of their lives while the religious see God as the one in control. So, yeah. I guess in that sense, I'm an arrogant bastard that believes the words I type came out of my electro-organic think organ as opposed to being fed divinely into my soul from on high.

Merry Christmas! Yes, I enjoy Christmas. Fucking deal with it. My favorite Christmas song is "All I Want Is To Hit A Red Dwarf" which is a mashup. But my favorite actual Christmas song is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." My favorite Christmas movie is About a Boy. My favorite Christmas Special is The Year Without a Santa Claus although How The Grinch Stole Christmas is pretty fucking good as well. I once wrote a deconstruction of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that will cause you to never look at that show in a non-racist way again. Looking the article up on Google, I notice I wrote it on December 6th, 2000. Since then, a lot of people have also been writing on the racism of Rudolph although I don't think any of the ones I read really broach the subject as well as I did. I even get the distinct impression some of my shit was stolen by these other people! And probably because of the character I used to write the piece! "Golly gee, this here article makes some really well-thought out points. But the language and spelling will probably keep people from really getting anything out of it. He probably won't mind if I steal some of these ideas and write them up in a proper English article, pip pip!"

I probably wouldn't write an article in a stereotyped voice like this at this point in my life but at the time, it really gave me the freedom to try to look at America with a different set of eyes. I didn't write all of the articles by The Cavortin' Bastard but I'm still proud of a few of the ones I did write, most especially the Rudolph article, the X-Files article, and my thoughts on September 11th written just four days later which encapsulated my feelings which I still feel today. It's easy to look back on what you believed when you're thoughts and actions are motivated by rational thought instead of motivated by fear or political maneuvering.

Anyways, that's a small glimpse into some of the shit I was doing thirteen years ago. If you have a problem with any of it, you can email it to the guy who wrote it thirteen years ago.

Back to Green Lantern, Salaak has gotten word that the Khund have given Jruk's homeworld of Oranx an "offer" of protection. So Jruk, Feska (who should probably check in on her son soon), and Arisia are chosen to go deal with that situation in a nice, calm, talky-talky way. While they do that, John and Hal are going to have a "talk." I put talk in quotes because remember the cover!

Meanwhile, those fucking Durlans are everywhere!

Arisia and Feska learn that Oranx is a Dismemberocracy where politicians fight to the death to decide who has the better way of running things. What a dream system! Anyway, the councilors are about to decide whether or not they will ally with the Khunds. The decision will be made by combat to the death although things might change now that Jruk and the other Lanterns are here. Since this is a Green Lantern Corps book, they can't just sit on the sidelines watching the violence! They are going to have to partake of it!

But first there's that other combat to get to! You know the one! The one portrayed on the cover! Between Hal and John! Geez, aren't you paying attention? Maybe I shouldn't speak directly to the reader as if you were an unperceptive moron. That probably drives away potential followers, doesn't it? Oh, fuck it! Who cares?! I'm not writing this for you anyway! I'm writing this for future me so that I can remember all of these stupid comic books!

Man. There's a lot more pain in John in that last panel than has been alluded to in The New 52.

This is where The New 52 really kind of falls apart. I haven't been given enough information to really get a read on John's "It shouldn't have been you, Hal!" But that line makes me think John has been terribly hurt by Hal's actions in the past and John just can't understand how the Guardians have put this man in the top spot. I know he's scared for Guy and he's concerned for Yrra and those things are directly related to Hal's actions as well. So maybe that's all there is. But the way Green Lantern has really kind of continued from the Preboot to the Reboot without any real changes, it makes me feel like I'm really missing something else between these two.

"...everything except the will to rebuild."

These two pages are a really fucking nice moment between these two guys. I especially like Hal's "I deserved that. Probably" line. And the idea of keeping John the Architect around to rebuild. I like seeing these two patch things up and would love to see Guy Gardner amongst them. Kyle I really don't care about. He's fine off flying about with the Bohemian Guardians and Carol Ferris! Anyway, John sticks around to plan the new home of the Green Lanterns and Mogo creates it.

Meanwhile on Oranx, Arisia is having that moment I had earlier where I said the Green Lanterns can't just sit and watch! But that's what they're doing! Sitting and watching! And Arisia is complaining about it! While Jruk is telling Arisia that they can't interfere, Feska assassinates one of the gladiators. Of course with all the Durlans running around, we all know it isn't really Feska. She's still walking off her anger at Jruk treating her like shit earlier that I didn't mention because of patriarchal reasons. So Feska is probably in big trouble. And maybe Arisia and Jruk too!

The diplomatic mission kind of falls apart at this point and even though Jruk gets his ring to prove that a Green Lantern was not behind the assassination, Vrokull (the Durlan disguised as an Oranxian) declares that they will ally with the Khund to protect them from the Green Lanterns. Jruk knows this place is no longer his home, a place that would not believe his friend Feska, a place that would threaten to kill her. He flies off hand in hand with Feska to head home to Mogo. Umm, Arisia third wheels along with them.

And back on Mogo, a bunch of Durlans have already infiltrated the Green Lantern Corps' new home and are planning their plan to destroy the Green Lanterns.

Green Lantern Corps #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. I think Van Jensen and Robert Venditti have some pretty tight control on this comic right now. I like that Stewart doesn't quite buy into Relic's theory but he's going to have to deal with those that do. And I like that John even mentions how some Lanterns are afraid to head into space because their rings might fail them. Because the problem with the rings really was never satisfactorily solved. We could assume that after the Spectrum was refilled that they just went back to working. But the causal link was never actually established so, really, the smart thing would be not to find yourself in the vacuum of space just in case these rings aren't quite fixed. Plus John knows he needs to deal with training the new recruits and figuring out how to help Guy. He's got a lot on his plate in the upcoming months and most of it will probably be ignored as the Durlans wind up attacking. Anyway, I have good feelings for the future of this series.

Justice League of America #10

I'm not the only one that looked at this cover and wondered what the fuck Stargirl was pulling out of her ass, am I?

Last issue, Martian Manhunter battled Martian Manhunter in his Deathstorm Prison Cell. But Stargirl escaped or something. It's basically the Justice League of America treading water until they can get back into the Forever Evil storyline.

This issue begins with Stargirl trapped in the memory of her origin as she reads a book by the psychotic best-selling author, David Graves. But Martian Manhunter is also stuck in her head, so he's there to try to get her ass in gear and/or make her go insane.

You know, Courtney, your step-dad might explain it all to you but he's probably a bit embarrassed about the whole being an adult sidekick to a kid thing.

That's about the extent of Stargirl's memory before Blockbuster punches her in the face and she wakes up in the middle of a battle with him as well as Deathstroke, Copperhead, Shadow Thief, and Giganta. Her powers have merged with Martian Manhunter's powers which allows her to take a punch full in the face from Blockbuster and then another from Giganta. But Martian Manhunter warns her, in a faux British accent, "My powers are faaaaaading! You must stop remembering your stupid past and saaaaaave the daaaaaaay!"

Stargirl doesn't really listen because her head is killing her and why doesn't Martian Manhunter just shut the fuck up already! Although, I suppose her head could be hurting from the mega-fisting it took from Giganta.

Yeah, that's not going to help.

Stargirl takes a quick break to remember learning that the original wielder of her Star Staff was named Sylvester Pemberton. But she's too young to remember All Star Squadron and Infinity Inc. and whatever fucking books that rich motherfucker was a part of. And then she's got her act together and she's ready to defeat the Secret Society of Super-Villains all by herself.

The one member she doesn't defeat is Deathstroke because we're already pushing credulity that she defeated the rest of them by herself with Martian Manhunter's powers while he yells inside of her head. And since Deathstroke can't fly (except that one time in an issue of Batman: The Dark Knight where he lands on the Batplane all Venomed out for some reason and then disappears just as quickly), Stargirl takes off into the sky like some kind of Skyman or Star-Spangled Kid.

Stargirl lands in Metropolis to separate from Martian Manhunter with some drama about how she's tired of following orders and how nobody knows any better than she does what the right thing to do is and how she's going to go back to L.A. to make sure her family is safe. Martian Manhunter, now seperated, begins to search for the prison that holds the rest of the Justice League members. They're either in Firestorm's Slash Fanfiction Space or Deathstorm's Snuff Fanfiction Space.

Oh good! They're in the Slash Fanfiction Prison!

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN TRINITY WAR AND FOREVER EVIL?
By Grunion Gun!

At first, Superman couldn't believe what he was seeing: a large, well-muscled man in blue and red spandex that was just a little too tight in the crotch with a large letter on his chest! But something wasn't quite right! The woman next to him looked incredibly like Lois Lane, especially in the boob and the butt area! Which he could see both of perfectly because she was a master of the Boob/Butt Showcase! Next to them was a character that looked an awful like lot Green Lantern but his right arm had a serious four hour erection! The Flash but with a penis shaped head squatted nearby sneering and masturbating so quickly that the air was soon filled with a thick mist of jizz!

"What is this?" quipped Clark Kent just as everything began to spin and shake and dissolve into some other place! He thought he could hear two voices screaming softly, "No! No! Fury can't handle this many psyches! We'll become...FURIOUS FUCKING!" And then there was a bright flash of light!

Superman felt a large hand running up his inner thigh as his vision began to clear! "Bruce?" he asked with a slight smile on his lips and a bulge that could only come from a Kryptonian's underwear!

"Who's Bruce?" came the small, child-like voice! Superman opened his eyes to see Shazam slowly cupping his crotch! "What's the quickest way to get this...," Captain Marvel tugged at Superman's erection, "Out of these tights and into here?" Captain Marvel pointed at his naked asshole!

Suddenly there was a blur of red and yellow behind Shazam and Shazam's face twisted into an orgiastic grimace as The Flash fucked him in 0.000008 seconds flat! Superman gaped in confusion or ecstasy or however a person gapes and quickly ripped his suit apart, freeing his Krypton which was ready to explode once again! He grabbed Billy Batson by the back of the head and rammed his mouth down over his cock! As Superman came, everybody in the space felt the shockwaves as Aquaman telepathically linked their mines for the precious moment! Nearby, Simon Baz was creating magnificently sculptured buttplugs with his ring and....

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on, Grunion Gun! Stop the fucking presses!

Did you just make Billy Batson suck Superman's cock? Is that illegal? Can you even type that?! I mean, it's obvious he's in his grown man persona, right, but does that make it okay? It does, doesn't it? Maybe I should stop this story now before it gets too sexy. I mean, illegal.

Justice League of America #10 Rating: No change. I can tell I'm not really that into a story arc when I can't think of much to say about it. Also when it devolves into Slash Fiction. That's probably a bad sign as well.

Arkham War #3

I initially read this cover as "Frog Hunt." And then I read it again and giggled because it says "Craw Cunt."

I believe titling your comic book "Croc Hunt" is far worse than drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles! Who will be fired for this outrageous use of sneaky-minded rules breaking?! Also, why is Bane wrestling a green Venom?

Last issue, the cover told me the Talon would rise. But not one Talon rose of its own volition. A bunch of them sort of dangled from the claws of Man-bats stealing their frozen bodies from Blackgate. So I suppose they "rose" up into the sky. Not exactly the excitement I was expecting by the cover. It's a good thing I understand comic book covers and the outrageous lies they tell every single month and wasn't at all disappointed. I was actually quite pleased because I'm sick to death of fucking Talons and hope they all get killed off in this comic book. I'm hoping that Arkham War was conceived mainly to end the problem of having all of these super dangerous immortal zombie assassins waiting to be unfrozen. Batman couldn't kill them. But the Arkham Crazy Time Players can!

Also, the besterest Interim Blackgate Warden ever to grace the pages of a DC Comic Book, Agatha Greeklastnameopolis, was rescued from the prison by James Gordon, hero! She's my favorite character after all the other characters I've listed as my favorite. I think she ranks somewhere between 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Alysia Yeoh.

CROC HUNT!

Whoa! Calm down, fucker! Think about what you're doing for a second!

Everyone understands that Bane is a problem, Mad Hatter. But he's just one problem. One problem that you can understand because you can see what his goals and his motivations are. Is it really a good idea to let loose seven Talons on Gotham in the hopes that you can somehow control them and get them to kill Bane? This feels like setting the house on fire just to take care of a squirrel in the attic. Maybe a better analogy is letting seven raving maniacal murderers free in your house to tidy up a bit.

I just don't see anything good happening from this plan.

Crane and Langstrom were captured by Bane at the end of last issue but they've been rescued by Killer Croc at the beginning of this issue. That was all part of the plan! And for his part in kidnapping the Talons, Johnny Crane rewards Croc with Wayne Tower. I don't know how Scarecrow negotiated that great piece of Gotham Realty when Penguin divvied everything up. He must know some pretty juicy secrets that The Penguin doesn't want to get out.

Meanwhile Bane makes good on his deal with The Penguin.

Emperor Blackgate? More like Emperor Bit Off More Than He Could Chew...umm...gate!

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites don't fear him and that they're all saying, "He's no Batman." But then, those crazy assholes don't fear Batman either, do they? If they really did fear Batman, they wouldn't keep coming back to Gotham to commit their crime sprees, would they? Unless none of them really see the difference between fear and love? Because they all seem to have some kind of a warm spot in their crotch region for Bat-Abuse.

Whatever their feelings toward Batman, Bane decides it's time to use it to his advantage.

So when does DC release the Cosplaying Bane Action Figure?

Bane's first act as Batbane is to throw Killer Croc from the roof of Wayne Tower. That's a pretty fucked up first move. Poor Killer Croc. He was completely set up by The Scarecrow. Killer Croc was nice and safe and cozy underground until The Scarecrow lured him into Wayne Tower and convinced him he should set up shop above ground. That only left Croc exposed to Bane while the others took to Croc's sewers to set up shop with their Talons. With everybody using everybody else in this War, I'm beginning to suspect the Talons are going to win once they're revived. The Talons may not even need to be revived with all the back stabbing going on!

Arkham War #3 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Warden Agatha wasn't in this issue. I guess there are just so many characters that can be spotlighted in any one issue of this thing. Arkham War shouldn't have been released as a comic book. It should be a Board Game! Or Video Game for those of us that don't have any friends.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #3

Fuck me. Even when I have a comic book I've been enjoying sitting here in my hands waiting to be fully enjoyed (and I mean FULLY!), Scott Lobdell has to ruin it.

I suppose I have to talk about Scott Lobdell, don't I? I'd really rather not! He's always doing something stupid and distracting me from my real job which is, well, it's not commenting on comic books. But it should be! Anyway, he's always writing some stupid dialogue, or he's over there thinking up some shitty time travel plot, or else he's somewhere else writing more stupid dialogue, or else he's plagiarizing his own material, or maybe he's way over there on a Queer Comics Panel sexually harassing another comic book professional. Can I even use "another" in that sentence since Lobdell showed no sign of professionalism at all on that panel? Anyway, we know he's going to get his ass chewed out in the internet blogosphere for being a creepy douche, and we know he's going to get destroyed over and over again as people react to his apology. So I probably don't need to add to that chorus. Unless I do. But I'm not going to. I'll try to approach this from another angle. How, in any way, shape, or form, could Scott Lobdell not realize how inappropriate he was being? Why is this a systemic problem when anybody reading MariNaomi's account instantly knows this guy is being a creepy jerk? Even Lobdell couldn't see it at the time because, I'm assuming, this is his standard behavior. Let me try to shed some light on the phenomenon. Perhaps some guys will recognize this behavior in themselves and realize that they're constantly making women feel how MariNaomi felt after this encounter.

Before I start, I also know that people will think I'm somehow making excuses for Lobdell. Holy fuck, you've misunderstood if you reach that conclusion. I'm just trying to explain how a person can act so predatory without realizing they're acting that way. They actually think they're "joking" or, worse yet, "flirting" as they continue to make a bigger and bigger ass of themselves. What I am about to say may also explain, to a meager degree, why this is a systemic problem especially in a field and hobby with a much higher degree of not very well socialized males than most other hobbies. Except maybe tabletop wargaming.

A type of guy exists that thinks he's wittier than Oscar Wilde and more charming than some other person who was really charming in movies or literature or history. Dracula, maybe! But this guy's wit relies exclusively on sexual innuendo. My father is one of these people as is one of my really good friends with whom I grew up. As you can see from MariNaomi's account, Lobdell's "humor" fell within that category. Lobdell saw an attractive woman and decided he would "flirt" with her. First off, a professional comic book panel is quite probably not an appropriate place for that. So right off, he has no awareness of how to act appropriately in this space. But he's one of "those guys" and so he believes that his sexual innuendo is the height of flirtation. My friend, DB (I'll call him DB here even though I've mentioned him before!), would find a woman he was attracted to and make sex joke after sex joke. He would really concentrate all of his attention on her and make sure she knew he was interested. And occasionally, one would be. So he would get the pay off and believe he had some kind of game. Therefore he would do this again and again and again. The situation did not matter. The time, the place, the receptiveness of the woman...none of it mattered. If it worked once, it's bound to work again! He and Lobdell and the many more like them don't see that they're not being flattering, or flirtatious, or witty, or endlessly charming. They think it's harmless and everybody is having a good laugh (mostly because they laugh at their own sex jokes uproariously. That wasn't in MariNaomi's account but I bet Lobdell was really making himself chuckle) and if nobody sleeps with anybody by the end of the night, they figure, "Well it was a darn good try and nobody got hurt."

Perhaps it went this way for DB most of the time because laying this kind of shit on hardcore at a bar or a club is actually more expected in that people are, quite often, looking to meet at these kinds of places. And some of them are just looking to get laid that night and don't really care about getting to know said lay. At clubs and bars, if women weren't interested in him, they could walk away, roll their eyes, tell him to fuck off. The problem is that this type of guy thinks this is normal, acceptable, male behavior in every day spaces. How else would you know if somebody wants to sleep with you? Because they can't see that most people aren't going about their day just trying to find somebody to fuck. Sure, some of us are, some days more than others! But you don't treat the office or order your Happy Meal or sit on a professional comic book panel and decide you're going to turn it into your own version of The Dating Game (and by "dating" I mean "fucking" but since there has yet to be a show on television called "The Fucking Game," I didn't think that would work as well). You can tell Lobdell thought he was merely flirting harmlessly even in MariNaomi's version because of how he reacts to her husband being in the audience. Ignoring the patriarchal ramifications of the fact that he apologizes to the husband because that will get covered elsewhere, you can tell Lobdell thought his behavior was actually acceptable to MariNaomi because it was, to him, flirting. Somehow, to Lobdell, sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo (and bouts of creepy touching) are things guys do and women expect it and don't mind. But, again to Lobdell's senses, you are stepping over a line when you do these things while the person's partner is watching. I'm fairly certain without all the hubbub on the internet, Lobdell would have thought the appropriate "apology" was, "Why didn't you tell me your husband was in the audience?! Now I feel like a jerk because of your inaction!"

So yeah, Lobdell probably, at the time, didn't think he was doing anything wrong. And guys do this all the time. They don't look at what they're doing from the woman's point of view. They don't try on their "Am I Being Creepy?" Cap and adjust their behavior accordingly. Like a cat knocking the lamp on your head so you'll get up to feed it, these guys have done something one time that got a desired result and decided to continue to do that shitty behavior over and over and over.

I don't have any kind of solution for this! I suppose we can bring back the art of slapping. But that's already too late! At that point, you're teaching women how to deal with slimeballs. Sure, it might be satisfying but the guy is still ruining your day with his inappropriate behavior (and even using the phrase "inappropriate behavior" makes it sound like I'm making light of this shit). People think, "Just teach guys not to be dicks." And while that's fine and dandy for people that understand how to not be a dick, it's going to have no effect on sociopaths that don't actually have the capacity to know if they're being a dick or not or to guys, like Scott Lobdell, who have learned some serious bad behaviors which they don't recognize as being bad. Now that Scott's been called out on it, will he do it again? Oh yeah, probably. If he's referring to the incident as if it were just one person not getting his sense of humor, you can bet he'll do it again. Because he was just having a laugh, right?!

This shit is too heavy for this blog. How am I supposed to make a dick joke now without feeling like a fucking monster?! I should probably reread that shit I just typed out like a crazy person to fix anything that makes me sound sympathetic to Scott Lobdell but I hate rereading shit I just wrote! I might feel the need to delete it all! Because I'm not sympathetic to Mr. Lobdell! Anybody that's followed this blog for any time fucking knew that before this incident. Hell, it was my readers that alerted me to the incident!

Dammit. All I wanted to do was read Superman Loves to Make Inappropriate Passes at Wonder Woman #3 without saying anything that anybody could get mad at me for and now I have to worry about getting lambasted for the previous bullshit. Oh well. Time to read my fucking comic book.

Wow. I really thought it would be much later than Issue #3 when Cat found the data stick with the pictures of Superman and Wonder Woman dry humping over a field in Smallville. The data stick should be in the shape of a bat though!

The next page shows Superman sitting on the moon with the Earth and the sun in the background and it's labeled "The Dark Side of the Moon." Okay, yeah. I'm going to give you this one but only on a technicality, Soule and Daniel! Because, I suppose, Superman can be right on top of the moon in a spot that remains dark on the ground but still allows the sun to hit Superman who is sitting up a few feet above the surface. But I'm very close to calling you out on this bullshit!

But after reading the dialogue between Superman and Batman, I can call bullshit on Tony S. Daniel and this panel! Superman has gone to the Dark Side of the Moon so that he can be out of the sunlight! He's trying to drain off all the excess power blasted into him by Apollo, so he obviously doesn't want to be getting any sun at all. But look at him! He's still just fucking sitting in sunlight!

And even if he was on the "dark side of the moon," that wouldn't necessarily mean he was out of the sun since the entire surface of the moon (except for maybe areas around the poles. I don't know the moon's tilt!) winds up getting sun at one point or another.

Superman also came to the moon to be away from people since he can barely contain his power right now. So as long as he's on the moon and not getting too much light, I guess this page is acceptable. But it's really coming as close as possible to disemboweling my cow! That means inverting my dick. Flipping my nipples? Making me angry! You must recognize that saying! You'll have to forgive me. When I get really agitated, sayings from the homeland just bubble to the surface. The homeland is Malaga, Spain. The sayings are entirely made up in my fantasy version of Malaga, Spain.

Did you realize my ancestral homeland is now a huge getaway for British tourists? My mitochondrial DNA would probably hardly even recognize the place now!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman and Hessia are out shopping for a Christmas Present for Superman. Hessia gives Diana the advice everybody gives everyone which actually doesn't make anything any easier: "It's the thought that counts." That's the problem with getting gifts! Because there has to be some kind of thoughtful revelation behind why you purchased the thing you purchased for the person you purchased it for! It would be much easier if the thought didn't fucking count! "Here's a gift card to Chili's. Enjoy the fuck out of that, Grandma!" See? So much easier.

Fuck. According to my Father-in-Common-Law and his new wife, I'm a Mexican Wrestler that loves to drink.

For well over a decade, my policy has been, "Do not get me gifts." And yet my Step-Mother-in-Common-Law continues to feel the need to get me gifts I don't use. When does it become insulting that she just isn't listening to me? I always feel I have to be nice and accept it and acknowledge it but now that I've seen it in light of the Scott Lobdell Incident, I'm going to slap her this Christmas if she hands me a present!

Batman and Superman continue to have one of those conversations that should be in every book in The New 52 between all the characters always and all the time! It's a lot of words for one page but comic books (especially twenty page comic books) need many, many more pages like this. Every page doesn't have to be blanketed by speech balloons like some of the Silver Age comic books would do. But a few pages where things are calm and heroes are having deeply touching and serious conversations with each other? Fill those pages with as many words as possible! Tony S. Daniel can do a big double page spread later.

Meanwhile in North Africa, Zod makes up for all that reading by appearing in about six straight pages where the only phrase repeated is "Min Fadlak." I think that means, "Water for a hand job, sir?"

Justice League America arrives on the scene first because they have a Breacher Finder named Justice League of America's Vibe. Or maybe just Vibe. Being that they don't quite realize they're facing off against a Kryptonian, Martian Manhunter pulls his punches and gets his ass kicked. Vibe, well, do I need to say anything more about Vibe's participation? Steve Trevor is there too but he just points and issues commands that don't help. And Hawkman strikes Zod with his mace. And since it's not a Kryptonite Mace, Zod barely even feels it. Luckily Superman and Wonder Woman show up since they're the only ones that stand a chance, what with this being their comic book and all.

Aaaawkwaaaard!...is what some other blogger might say. I prefer, "Threeeeesooooome!"

While tied up in Diana's rope, Zod apologizes for his actions and asks about Faora. But Faora has not come over yet. Doomsday did though! Perhaps he cut in line and took her place? Or ate her? Trevor wants to take Zod back to A.R.G.U.S. but Superman and Wonder Woman decide to take Zod with them. I'm sure the Fortress of Solitude has room in the zoo.

Well fuck, Clark. I was just kidding!

Zod doesn't mind being shoved in this prison for the time being, after all, he has just come from The Phantom Zone. But he also knows that Superman will be eager to learn of Jor-el and will be easy to manipulate. He also needs to lay low until Faora emerges from The Phantom Zone to keep her safe. So now that that's through, Diana decides to give Clark his Christmas Present which is time off for a good snog.

Jesus. It's just getting sexy and then a close-up of Clark's ear? Disgusting!

The ear is because Superman suddenly hears everyone talking about how he and Wonder Woman are now an item. I guess Clarkcatropolis.com finally has its first big story!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. Even with such a large swath of this thing being Zod voiceless in the desert, it felt like quite a bit of story for one issue. And speaking of Christmas presents, I know I just went on and on about how my policy is to not accept presents but that's because when your name is just arbitrarily added to somebody's shopping checklist, you never get anything good like time! But if anybody wants to get me a present for all the good, hard, dick joke free blogging I've done over the last two years, I'll accept this: Deadpool Collection by Gail Simone.