Lost Army #2

I find I waste a lot of time on the internet when I have a Cullen Bunn comic book ready to go.

This issue begins with a flashback to John Stewart invading a foreign nation as a Marine. When did John's military history become all there was to him? I get the feeling Cullen Bunn isn't actually interested in writing stories about John Stewart. He just wants to frame each story from the point of view of a military veteran. Last issue was all about making an excuse for solving problems with violence. It didn't really make a lot of sense because Stewart's story about how aggression saved his life was actually a story about Stewart killing people trying to kill him for invading their homeland. It kind of makes the opposite point about aggression that Stewart was trying to make since the aggressors who had a right to be aggressive against the intruders were actually killed by the intruder. But I guess if you're an American, the story is a brilliant portrayal of a national hero!

Pshaw! You know who the real hero is here? I've said it before and I'll say it again until everybody agrees with me: the true hero is me! Because I'm the one reading all of Cullen Bunn's awful DC Superhero work!

John's memory is about an abandoned town that didn't want to risk the aggressiveness of the marines moving through it so they left everything they knew so they could survive. The reason he has this memory is so that he can reply to Arisia's statement about the Rage Pyarmid being abandoned with the revelation that the pyramid seems more like a kill zone. And he says it just in time to be attacked by the Real Rage Lanterns! Hopefully that extra second due to his insight will allow the Lanterns to survive the ambush.

Sorry! They're not lanterns! They're Light Pirates!

The Light Pirates create crystalline constructs with their light. For some reason. I mean, what's the difference between a hard light construct and a crystal construct? Is it just that the crystal constructs never dissipate? Does that mean the energy can be recycled later? Maybe the Green Lanterns aren't as green as they thought, eh? Eh? No?

The Light Pirates refer to the Green Lantern's power as "Resolve" while their power comes from "Fury." What is this? Some new Tangent Universe? "Hope" will probably become "Faith." And "Fear" will probably become "Terror." And "Compassion" will probably become "Spooning." And "Greed" will probably become "Trickle Down." And "Love" will probably become "Obsession."

While I was busy making up stupid synonyms for the Lantern's power sources, John Stewart was encased in red crystal. At the expense of his ring's charge, he's able to break out of the crystal. But he still has a 5% charge which is just as good as a 100% charge, just closer to being expended. But I guess at 5% power, Stewart loses the ability to do anything with it or risk losing all the power completely. It's also just an excuse to make him weak and vulnerable.

Which Red Lanterns is Guy talking about?! I think they'd all kick a man when he's down! It's kind of what they do!

After Guy saves John, Guy is all, "Hey! Hey! *snicker* Remember when you called me the Christmas Lantern? Remember that?! You should remember because I have a funny retort that will only make sense if you remember it! Do you?" And John, possibly taking his last breath with his ring's power running out says, "Y-yeah." And Guy says, "Because...hee hee hee...I guess your name made the good list this year. Get it! Like Santa Claus! It's funny, right? I mean, I suppose I could have come up with a better joke and I suppose I didn't have to remind you about the Christmas thing because that's such a lousy set up. Oh man! I should have hit those Red Lanterns with a sleigh pulled by reindeer and yelled, 'Ho ho ho!' Dammit!"

The Lanterns' rings are all around twenty percent charge and they're beginning to freak out that the rings will be spent after this battle. I have to say, the batteries on these rings are pieces of shit. Can somebody hire a Weaponer of Qward to upgrade these things?

Guy and John hit up the Rage Pyramid to charge their rings. As the pyramid changes from red to green, the Light Pirates freak out and rush off to tell the Overseers. Meanwhile, John and Guy's rings charge to 200%. But who the fuck cares? They'll still begin to run out of charge whenever a battle needs false tension and bullshit drama. The Lanterns all charge their rings and then fly away to find more Lanterns and find their way home. Nobody gives a shit about looking into a power source that burns cleaner and more powerfully than the shitty juice the Guardians of Oa have been selling them all this time? Krona mentions wanting to stick around to investigate if only they had more time but I guess they don't have more time because the Light Pirates may return with reinforcements. Although they bested them with rings at only 20% so why not stick around to fight them with rings powered at 200%?! Cowards.

As the Lanterns continue to fly aimlessly through space searching for a Lantern in an immeasurably vast and infinite haystack, they run into Relic. Not the Relic they defeated but the Relic from his own universe. So the Lanterns have been transported to the universe that existed before the universe they're from. I wonder how John's military service will help him deal with this revelation.

Lost Army #2 Rating: No change. Since this is the universe before the universe that Krona is from, does that mean that the hand that Krona saw forming his universe will wind up being his own hand?! Mind blown!

Lost Army #1

Didn't this book already fail when it was called Legion Lost?

I'm still not over the way 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 was portrayed in the Sneak Peek. Cullen Bunn had her cursing or speaking or whatever in binary. There's absolutely no reason why she would be speaking in fucking binary. She (and possibly her entire race) is a math genius. People who are good at math do not speak in binary. And even if...EVEN IF...she did speak in binary, the binary she was speaking in the Sneak Peek was gibberish! Cullen Bunn doesn't understand my girl 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and he's going to ruin her. And apparently I'm going to pay to watch her defiled by this monster. So who's the real monster here?!

During the Sneak Peek, it was established that John Stewart, Arisia Rrab, Xrill-Vrek, Kilowog, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (or, more properly (apparently!) 00110010-00110110-00111000-00110001-00110111-00111001-00110101) have mysteriously found themselves in a mystery place. They found Krona because his corpse was stolen from Atrocitus and apparently resurrected and stuck in this strange world. They were beset by creatures that devour foreign matter. This issue begins with the group battling these strange creatures.

These things want to kill you because you are foreign invaders. That means they're the immune system of whatever creature you've been shrunken down and injected into. Mystery solved!

I just cleared it up Kilowog! Granted, you still don't know whose body you're inside of (probably Hal Jordan's which is why Krona is here because he's linked somehow to Krona's Gauntlet) or how you were shrunk down and by who or why you don't remember any of it. I guess those will be the mysteries you'll need to solve. But don't think you'll solve them in this first issue! It'll probably take at least six issues before the revelation that you're inside some other creature!

John Stewart begins flashing back to when he was in the military because he can't stop Narration Boxing about aggression and how he uses it as a tool to solve problems. He points out that it's not a popular concept because it's an idiotic concept, asshole. Sure, aggression is a way to solve the problem of having been sent to force a foreign people in their own land to submit to your philosophies, especially when they--not surprisingly--aggressively try to get you the hell out of their homelands. Kind of weird how that works, right, John?

I've never disliked John Stewart until this comic book. Thanks, Mr. Bunn!

What you were born to do was invade another species' home and then murder them all when they try to defend their territory?

Krona decides to give a four panel speech about his past which begins with "I am a scientist" and ends with "I have my own [faith]." Fuckity fuck fuck somebody fucking please choke me to death right this fucking minute.

Lantern's crew find some other Lanterns encased in red crystal. They're dead because, as is usual in the Lanternverse, the enemy they're facing is pretty much immune to green lantern light. I seriously wish the yellow flaw never went away because even if it was an incredibly stupid way to give the Lanterns an occasional hard time, at least it was something established. Now the "yellow flaw" is just lazy writers forcing the Lanterns to battle enemies who just happen to somehow be immune to the light. It's a constant. The most powerful weapon in the universe is never very fucking powerful. Also, the rings run out of charge at every convenient moment. When they used to retain a charge for 24 hours, writers were constantly coming up with excuses for how the ring was just charged nearly 24 hours before a big fight and now the ring is failing! Now the rings just fail because too much stress is put on them and the charge drops down to zero in just a few panels. The Green Lanterns are possibly the worst outfitted heroes in the universe for the job they do.

Krona suggests giving him a ring from one of the dead Lanterns and he'll use his Science Suit to track the energy back to the Willpower Source. I think Willpower resides in the chin so they'll have to make their way to Hal Jordan's chin now.

The crew is suddenly attacked by more popcorn shrimp when flashes of green and red light shoot around them, killing the attackers and saving the day.

Well why not. Let Cullen Bunn ruin Guy Gardner as well.

I guess Guy isn't ready to be truly hopeful because he's stuck with the red and green rings still.

The crew continues to follow Krona's lead right into a huge pyramid of red spectrum energy. And John Stewart is all, "Aggression, man, aggression! It wins wars! And this thing is aggressive! We're in trouble and that rhymes with bubble and that stands for pool!" I bet next issue one of the other characters thinks about a different spectrum energy and changes the whole theme and then they find the source of that energy as well!

Lost Army #1 Rating: Somebody needs to hire Gerhard to work on this comic book because it desperately needs some background art. It's like the Lost Lanterns are just flying in front of a cosmic screensaver and it's set to the factory default boring ass generic various colors bullshit. At least the characters all look good, so kudos to Jesus Saiz. As for the story? It needs a lot of work to keep me interested.

Green Lantern #31

Oh yeah! 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 made the cover!

Presently, the Green Lanterns are fighting a war with the Durlans and the Khund. Possibly they're battling other races as well since a good percentage of the universe is currently pissed off at them. The Green Lanterns have been put on the defensive and are fighting the war to survive. I suppose they also think they're right and the other races are wrong but then they'd be wrong and not right about that supposition. The Green Lanterns have imposed their specific ethics and morality on numerous species across the galaxy. It's time for a change! It's time for the Green Lanterns to stop thinking of themselves as a universal police force and begin thinking of themselves as an emergency service ready to lend a hand when called.

Or they can just continue to be dicks. What the fuck do I care?

Some Green Lanterns are still buying into Jenny McRelic's bullshit theory that using Spectrum Light depletes it and hastens the end of the universe. So now Hal has to find other jobs for these Lanterns because he's too nice a guy to dishonorably discharge them for dereliction of duty.

Now the Green Lantern Corps has to provide ships and weaponry above and beyond the ring? Bullshit! Get rid of these assholes!

Before the Conscientious Objector Lanterns can get the ship taken apart to learn its secrets and before the Green Lanterns can eat lunch, Mogo is attacked by an enormous fleet of Khund and Durlans and Outer Clann ships. The Lanterns assemble to defend Mogo when Kilowog notices the ships are varieties from even more races than I first listed. Jordan's first thought is, "What the hell? People love us!" But they don't. They really, really don't.

Wrong approach, asshole.

See, Jordan, the problem is The Third Army and The Manhunters and all the cosmic spectrum wars and Relic and Volthoom. People don't tend to remember that you once saved somebody's ass over in Sector Fucking Not My Sector. They just see when you nearly destroy every sector every few crossovers. So pleading with people angry at you by reminding them of all the good you've done is like telling an elderly person that surgery would be good for them in the long run! They're not going to hear the words you're saying but the empty, vacuous space around those words. All the good you've done?! Does it outweigh all the horrors caused by the Corps and its little blue fascist leaders? Sure, they're gone now. But I'm willing to bet most of the universe had no idea about them pulling the strings anyway. So perhaps, Hal, you should get off your almighty throne and step out of your treasure vault full of Green Lantern Privilege, and just admit that y'all fucked up and you've been fucking up for a very long time. Shut down the Corps to retool. Rebrand yourselves! Maybe even continue to patrol the universe but in secret. The name "Green Lantern" is packed with way too much hate and emotion at this point. So stop trying to sell yourselves as saviours, apologize for all the shit you've done, and close shop for a bit. Maybe Hal Jordan should print a letter in the New Universe Times condemning the Green Lanterns?

And then Hal learns that his Corps has been infiltrated by Durlans anyway. So, you know, the Corps is fucked.

Whoops!

Hal isn't at a disadvantage for long. He attacks the fake Green Lanterns and overpowers them because they're wielding rings that use the willpower of the wearer. And none of them were chosen by the rings, so none of the Durlans are as adept with the rings as the Green Lanterns are. So Hal Jordan kills the fake Mukmuk by forcing his ring to shut down. And then the ring takes off because it locates the real Mukmuk! He's way off on that prison planet near Durlan, probably. Or he's in a carnival somewhere getting ping pong balls thrown at him.

I guess killing Durlans is okay. Or is this one of those cases where Hal doesn't consider the death his fault if he shuts down a ring that just happens to be protecting the Durlan from the vacuum of space? You know, I don't even know if Jordan is big on not killing! He may not give a fuck because he's a soldier fighting a war right now and not a super hero acting holier than thou.

The Khund retreat not because they don't want to fight to the death but because the Durlan Ancient commands them to because he has another plan which had better be more spectacular than this one. Hal Jordan realizes as the rings rush off to find their real owners that the Green Lanterns have some prisoners of war to save.

Green Lantern #31 Rating: No change. I suppose the Durlans didn't kill the original Green Lanterns whose faces they stole because keeping them alive probably allowed them to continue using their Green Lantern Rings. If they did it for any other reason, they're suckers because the Green Lanterns didn't hesitate to kill the Durlans!

Green Lantern Corps #26

John just punched Guy in the face a few issues ago. He's been hanging around Supergirl too much.

I suppose this issue takes place pretty much on the heels of the Lights Out! Crossover since John hasn't been seen since then. I think. I don't recall seeing him team up to help Hal Jordan defeat PB Anj, so I suspect after he punches Hal in the face in this issue, he'll take off to go do his own thing. I have no idea what that thing will be seeing as how this comic book is titled Green Lantern Corps and Hal Jordan is the current leader of the Corps.

My mistake. I guess I just didn't recognize John while he was helping capture the Braidsmen. Or maybe he was in the toilet during the entire conflict. Although I do remember 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 being there!

John has been waiting for the Citadel from Oa (which turned out to be an escape pod) to return to Mogo with the wounded Green Lanterns that fled the battle against Relic. One of those Green Lanterns is the Star Sapphire, Fatality. While John waits sexcitedly for his reunion with Fatality, The Citadel comes crashing down on the planet where it is gently guided into Mogo's awaiting anus.

This kiss takes place within Mogo's anus.

Maybe Mogo does have an anus, you don't know! Mogo is a living planet! When's the last time you've done gobs and gobs of research on living planets, hunh? Yeah, probably never ever. So if I want to make a scientific guess that the hole which Mogo is able to open at will, like a sphincter, is an anus, I think that's just as plausible as the hole not being Mogo's anus. And since this is my commentary where I'm in total control and don't have to fear losing any anti-planet-anus sponsors, I'm going to call it Mogo's Anus. It is now a landmark on Mogo!

Once everybody on the citadel is safe and things seem back to normal, Raath or Raam or Grath or whatever the fuck his name is decides it's time to preach to John Stewart about how using the rings goes against God. "Blah blah blah end of all existence! Whine whine whine destruction of everything!" Jesus! Give it a rest already! At least John responds appropriately. No wonder he's the best Green Lantern even though everybody treats him like a second rate bitch and he always gets sent out to take care of the impossible jobs where lots of people die and he winds up feeling like a failure. It takes a strong man to take on those jobs!

See? John Stewart agrees with me! Relic's idiotic theory has still never been proven.

This argument between the Lanterns that take Relic's theory on faith and the ones that would like some actual proof reminds me of something I've wanted to mention which has no real context to comic books but it's been in my head lately so now I'm going to say it! So my friend, Bobby Henline, who was nearly killed in Iraq by an IED was an atheist until that tragic event. Afterward, he found Jesus and God or some Holy Spirit or something. I don't really know for sure because the one time he brought it up, he said, "I haven't told you my Found Story yet." And I responded with, "You mean your Fooled Story?" Yeah, I know that makes me sound like one of your cliche arrogant atheist dickholes but Bob and I have been friends since the third grade and our relationship relies on knocking the hubris out of each other on a nearly constant basis. He once shoved me over a bush while I had my hands in my pockets and I just barely managed to land on my shoulder instead of on my neck! And since I was just fine, we had a good laugh about it and how I must have looked flying toward the street frantically trying to pull my hands out of my pockets without any success. Anyway, Bob's fans and the people of his community love his inspirational story about finding Jesus. And I say, they can have him! I don't mind that when an atheist finds religion, it's almost always because of trauma. But when a religious person loses faith and becomes an atheist, it's almost always through logic and rational thought. The religious people usually think those that become atheists are somehow despairing but they should fucking know better. They're the ones that smell despair and weakness and swoop in with a properly timed, "Have you heard the word of Jesus?"

And since I mentioned "arrogant atheists," I should point out that we are not the arrogant ones. My disbelief does not do anything to your belief. Your beliefs don't matter to me. Just because I don't believe what you believe, that doesn't mean I'm insulting you or belittling you or negating your religion. On the other hand, I'm often thought of as a hellbound piece of shit sinner simply because I don't believe in Sky Cake. I suppose the reason atheists are seen as arrogant is because they believe they're actually in control of their lives while the religious see God as the one in control. So, yeah. I guess in that sense, I'm an arrogant bastard that believes the words I type came out of my electro-organic think organ as opposed to being fed divinely into my soul from on high.

Merry Christmas! Yes, I enjoy Christmas. Fucking deal with it. My favorite Christmas song is "All I Want Is To Hit A Red Dwarf" which is a mashup. But my favorite actual Christmas song is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." My favorite Christmas movie is About a Boy. My favorite Christmas Special is The Year Without a Santa Claus although How The Grinch Stole Christmas is pretty fucking good as well. I once wrote a deconstruction of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that will cause you to never look at that show in a non-racist way again. Looking the article up on Google, I notice I wrote it on December 6th, 2000. Since then, a lot of people have also been writing on the racism of Rudolph although I don't think any of the ones I read really broach the subject as well as I did. I even get the distinct impression some of my shit was stolen by these other people! And probably because of the character I used to write the piece! "Golly gee, this here article makes some really well-thought out points. But the language and spelling will probably keep people from really getting anything out of it. He probably won't mind if I steal some of these ideas and write them up in a proper English article, pip pip!"

I probably wouldn't write an article in a stereotyped voice like this at this point in my life but at the time, it really gave me the freedom to try to look at America with a different set of eyes. I didn't write all of the articles by The Cavortin' Bastard but I'm still proud of a few of the ones I did write, most especially the Rudolph article, the X-Files article, and my thoughts on September 11th written just four days later which encapsulated my feelings which I still feel today. It's easy to look back on what you believed when you're thoughts and actions are motivated by rational thought instead of motivated by fear or political maneuvering.

Anyways, that's a small glimpse into some of the shit I was doing thirteen years ago. If you have a problem with any of it, you can email it to the guy who wrote it thirteen years ago.

Back to Green Lantern, Salaak has gotten word that the Khund have given Jruk's homeworld of Oranx an "offer" of protection. So Jruk, Feska (who should probably check in on her son soon), and Arisia are chosen to go deal with that situation in a nice, calm, talky-talky way. While they do that, John and Hal are going to have a "talk." I put talk in quotes because remember the cover!

Meanwhile, those fucking Durlans are everywhere!

Arisia and Feska learn that Oranx is a Dismemberocracy where politicians fight to the death to decide who has the better way of running things. What a dream system! Anyway, the councilors are about to decide whether or not they will ally with the Khunds. The decision will be made by combat to the death although things might change now that Jruk and the other Lanterns are here. Since this is a Green Lantern Corps book, they can't just sit on the sidelines watching the violence! They are going to have to partake of it!

But first there's that other combat to get to! You know the one! The one portrayed on the cover! Between Hal and John! Geez, aren't you paying attention? Maybe I shouldn't speak directly to the reader as if you were an unperceptive moron. That probably drives away potential followers, doesn't it? Oh, fuck it! Who cares?! I'm not writing this for you anyway! I'm writing this for future me so that I can remember all of these stupid comic books!

Man. There's a lot more pain in John in that last panel than has been alluded to in The New 52.

This is where The New 52 really kind of falls apart. I haven't been given enough information to really get a read on John's "It shouldn't have been you, Hal!" But that line makes me think John has been terribly hurt by Hal's actions in the past and John just can't understand how the Guardians have put this man in the top spot. I know he's scared for Guy and he's concerned for Yrra and those things are directly related to Hal's actions as well. So maybe that's all there is. But the way Green Lantern has really kind of continued from the Preboot to the Reboot without any real changes, it makes me feel like I'm really missing something else between these two.

"...everything except the will to rebuild."

These two pages are a really fucking nice moment between these two guys. I especially like Hal's "I deserved that. Probably" line. And the idea of keeping John the Architect around to rebuild. I like seeing these two patch things up and would love to see Guy Gardner amongst them. Kyle I really don't care about. He's fine off flying about with the Bohemian Guardians and Carol Ferris! Anyway, John sticks around to plan the new home of the Green Lanterns and Mogo creates it.

Meanwhile on Oranx, Arisia is having that moment I had earlier where I said the Green Lanterns can't just sit and watch! But that's what they're doing! Sitting and watching! And Arisia is complaining about it! While Jruk is telling Arisia that they can't interfere, Feska assassinates one of the gladiators. Of course with all the Durlans running around, we all know it isn't really Feska. She's still walking off her anger at Jruk treating her like shit earlier that I didn't mention because of patriarchal reasons. So Feska is probably in big trouble. And maybe Arisia and Jruk too!

The diplomatic mission kind of falls apart at this point and even though Jruk gets his ring to prove that a Green Lantern was not behind the assassination, Vrokull (the Durlan disguised as an Oranxian) declares that they will ally with the Khund to protect them from the Green Lanterns. Jruk knows this place is no longer his home, a place that would not believe his friend Feska, a place that would threaten to kill her. He flies off hand in hand with Feska to head home to Mogo. Umm, Arisia third wheels along with them.

And back on Mogo, a bunch of Durlans have already infiltrated the Green Lantern Corps' new home and are planning their plan to destroy the Green Lanterns.

Green Lantern Corps #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. I think Van Jensen and Robert Venditti have some pretty tight control on this comic right now. I like that Stewart doesn't quite buy into Relic's theory but he's going to have to deal with those that do. And I like that John even mentions how some Lanterns are afraid to head into space because their rings might fail them. Because the problem with the rings really was never satisfactorily solved. We could assume that after the Spectrum was refilled that they just went back to working. But the causal link was never actually established so, really, the smart thing would be not to find yourself in the vacuum of space just in case these rings aren't quite fixed. Plus John knows he needs to deal with training the new recruits and figuring out how to help Guy. He's got a lot on his plate in the upcoming months and most of it will probably be ignored as the Durlans wind up attacking. Anyway, I have good feelings for the future of this series.

Green Lantern Corps #24

I spent most of my preteen years playing with action figures too, Relic! Yes, yes, my teen years too. And college. And what do you call the period of your life between college and death? Include that time as well.

Next issue this comic book is going to be retitled "Green Lantern Corpse" and will be twenty pages of John Stewart slowly decaying.

But first, the continuing tale of Relic the Horrible Scientist and his attack on Family Values! I haven't really been paying very close attention.

"Oh yeah, Carol! Now it's time to fuck like you like it! Hard, fast, and unsatisfying!" "You know Hal, little oral would be nice." "OH YEAH! I'm a Green Lantern, baby!"

Hal Jordan loves science just about as much as Relic does. When Salaak informs Hal that Oa was inextricably linked to the Power Battery and it will now blow up, Hal decides not believing that fact will stop it from happening. After all, belief is all you need to work a Power Ring, so why doesn't it work on physics as well? Although maybe it's Salaak who sucks at science and has no real evidence that Oa will explode at all. He might be basing his assumption on lies told to him by the Guardians to keep wayward children from wantonly destroying the Main Power Battery.

John Stewart's plan is to distract Relic using himself and a few recruits while Hal and the rest of the Green Lantern Corps escape. Hal Jordan thinks it's a good plan because fuck the new recruits! And John Stewart! Hal Jordan nearly killed himself a few issues ago to keep from putting new recruits in danger but he's learned a few things about leadership since then. And the most important thing is this: the leader should be the last one to die! That's why I always declare myself leader whenever I'm in a large group of people. I do it silently and to myself but as long as the universe knows who's in charge, I'm perfectly safe!

Hal Jordan even left his new recruits behind! Probably because the little guy hit him in the head and my favoritest Green Lantern ever, Jenny, has a numerical name that he can't remember. To be fair, I can't remember either. But to be more fair, whenever I try to string together a bunch of numbers, they just come out as 8675309.

John and his recruits throw some punches and some rocks and a few buildings as well until Relic is completely distracted. At that point, Hal and Kyle and Carol and Kilowog and all the other Green Lanterns whose names I can never remember flee Oa. Hopefully for the last time! Goodbye, Oa! Goodbye! Don't worry! I'm sure the Green Lanterns will recreate you out of light in a future story.

Hal also gives the order to release all of the prisoners in the Sciencells including Kanjar Ro! Yay! Now we can look forward to many years of the Green Lanterns fighting all of their old enemies again! Now that's a proper Reboot!

And, of course, John and the recruits continue to battle Relic even though they know they can't win and the planet is going to explode out from under their feet. Or whatever they have where feet would be if they were humanoid.

Don't worry. It's not just you. Who can remember anybody's name ever?! It always surprises me when I come up with somebody's name instead of just saying, "You know? What's her name?"

During the fight, Jruk loses his good axe arm. And then Egann the Lizard Man (I only remembered his name because John mentioned it earlier) offers to sacrifice himself so the other, younger recruits can escape. And it actually makes me tear up a little bit. Although it also makes me happy since I said this in my last Green Lantern Corps commentary:

It turns out that Feska is okay, of course! I would have had to turn a pouty face in Van Jensen’s direction if he’d killed her. I think the only one of these new recruits he can kill, story-wise, is all of them. But I suspect that the one that he can kill if he needs to is the old lizard man. I sincerely hope that he doesn’t, of course! I love them all!

Master Comic Book Reader strikes again! Although it's a bit unfair since I practically know Van Jensen, being one friend in common away from each other on Facebook!

Ergann whispers, "Just before one of my people die, we find a young, sexy, well-muscled black humanoid to vigorously suck our dual pronged dick while going elbow deep into our rectal cavity with their non-dominant hand." The look on John Stewart's face says, "Not again."

Ergann manages to keep Relic and his ship on the exploding planet by holding the siphoning claw that Relic's ship attached to Ergann's construct. The rest of the recruits manage to get away. And Oa, well...

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Green Lantern Corps #24 Rating: +3 Ranking simply for the destruction of Oa. How can Relic be stopped?! I think the best way is to sit him down with a real scientist to crunch some numbers and run some experiments to prove to him that his "Peak Emotion" hypothesis is faulty.

Green Lantern #23

"Let me love you...with my fist!"

I have a plan to write a book and publish it myself using crowdfunding. It's going to be about a Werewolf during every day of his life in one year other than the nights of the Full Moon. Because he won't remember those! Duh! I'm going to call it "59/61ths Human". I've already begun thinking up the rewards for people who donate to the cause. For $10, you'll get the book printed up on my printer, one-sided, and held together with a paper clip. For $150, you'll get the same thing but I'll number the pages! But until that fantastic day when my super duper awesome werewolf story is flying off my printer tray, I'll stick to reading comic books!

The first thing Hal Jordan does this month is piss me right the fuck off my fucking not-being-pissed-off post!

Hal is the shallowest motherfucker in the galaxy.

Now I really wouldn't care if he were judging them by their physical attributes if the job were based on those attributes. Say Green Lanterns were always working around fire without adequate protection. Well, that little fuzzy guy would be right out because who needs a spontaneous fireball suddenly running amidst the ranks screaming its terrified head off? But being a Green Lantern is based on Willpower, you stupid asshat piece of fucking garbage dump shit-stained underwear wankathon referee! If the rings picked these recruits, these recruits have the power to face great fucking fear. You do remember how it works, right asshole? Listen to Kilowog! He's the master recruit trainer! He knows what he's fucking talking about. And who cares if the little guy tucked the thumb into the fist that hit you in the back of the head! It's a LIGHT CONSTRUCT, you dumb bastard! He could have given it gorgeous fucking nails as well and it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest, as long as he made it nice and solid and as long as he was hitting you in the back of the head!

Oh yeah. Man that was a great moment last issue. I have to relive the excitement into the bathroom sink. I'll be right back.

Okay, what else did I want to rant about? Man, you'd think you'd be more clearheaded after eliminating the negative Chi but now I'm just sleepy. Oh! I know what I was going to be fake mad about as well! How the hell can Hal Jordan consider firing Octopus Face?! She's simply to die for! And by die for, I mean masturbate into the sink while looking at my own facial expressions in the mirror for!

Seriously? You can't remember that, Hal? You can practically sing it! But don't call her "Two-Six.Period"! You could at least call her Jenny.

I love these new recruits just as much as I hate Hal Jordan! This book is really picking up!

Hal doesn't seem comfortable dealing with the new recruits and he's no better at dealing with the dead and wounded left over from the battle with Larfleeze. I think he's mostly upset that none of these things actually have anything to do with him or his glory. So he decides to ditch the Corps and go off alone to hunt down the escaped prisoner that turned into a Star Sapphire. Her name is Prixiam Nol-anj but he's probably just going to call her "PB Anj".

I don't know, Hal. You can keep denying it but Kilowog and I both came to the same conclusion separately!

I know being a super-hero doesn't often come with the ability of introspection but Hal Jordan seems to have even less than most people. I know this and I just told everybody that I masturbated into a sink! Boy, I hope everybody thinks I was joking!

Hal Jordan decides that being a good leader of an army is telling the army to sit somewhere in safety while the leader goes off to fight all of the battles on his own. He's a fucking military genius!

Meanwhile PB Anj heads back to her home base where a few of her people recognize her and welcome her back as "The Prixiam." Her people are some kind of Space Sand People living out in the Outer Territory of Sector 0563. PB Anj's Space Sand People can't find anybody else to steal from since all the Jawas and Humans and Hutts moved away from the Circumference long ago to get jobs and raise their families on identical little planets in dead-end solar systems. But now that PB Anj is back, things are going to get all Brigandy again! I guess they'll just have to spend a little extra on gas while raiding planets closer into the center of the Sector.

Hal Jordan arrives on her world not long after she does.

Why can't Hal Jordan keep his big fat fucking head inside the panels?! Dammit! Now I'm sounding like Jim Shooter!

Hal, I realize I had the cover of the comic book to alert me to some of the pitfalls lying ahead of you during your adventure, but even you should realize the extreme danger you're now in. Hell, you should have realized it before you headed for this planet. If the rings keep failing, you shouldn't even be risking space travel! At least now when the ring fails, you'll have thirty seconds before you die! Although I'm not sure how long you'd have in space if your ring failed. What kills you first in space? The cold? Asphyxiation? Dying in agony as the gases in your body expand due to the lack of pressure? Small particles piercing your brain at near light speed? Space vampires?

Hal Jordan discovers a concealed airlock in the side of a rock and decides to break it down and fuck up the integrity of possibly the only safe place on the planet. I suppose he can rush into the ship that PB Anj brought with her. But I'd rather believe that he just fucked up everybody's chances for survival! Although I do have to applaud his choice of light constructs. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

This is basically what I saw reflected back at me in the mirror earlier this evening.

Green Lantern's next construct is a spiral slide thing that turns the lasers on the Space Sand People that just fired them at Hal. It's really pretty cool. So now Hal is two for two on Light Constructs that I absolutely approve of. I bet he fucks it all up and follows with a fucking baseball bat with a nail in it.

It's at this point in the story where Green Lantern finds out that PB Anj has become a Star Sapphire. She manipulates him with his love for Carol Ferris because she can see all of that romantic shit. I bet if she wanted to, she could figure out Hal's secret identity now! But before she can hurt him too bad, the rings cut out.

I got a little bit excited by the sound effect of the ring coming back online.

Once Hal's power returns, he rushes off to find Carol Ferris since he was given a vision of where she was by PB Anj's Love Power. He saw her with Rayner and the Guardians battling against Relic. He figures if he can save his ex-girlfriend from this threat, she'll have to come back to him!

Green Lantern #23 Rating: +5 Ranking! From now on (and by "now" I actually mean since last week), I'm basing my Ranks on how much I viscerally enjoy a comic book and not on some stupid intellectual mumbo-jumbo! I don't need to sound rational and smart to describe why this comic book rocked my face off! It was just super duper good! To quote a better and more passionate writer than myself: "It was epic! 5 out of 5 stars!"