Forever Evil #5

Fuck you, Finch. Your Forever Evil covers are either bland or badly drawn. Sometimes both!

Sinestro appeared at the end of last issue to do something or other. I think he was hungry for some Deep Dish Pizza, Metropolis Style as opposed to Chicago Style because fuck Chicago! They hate masks, do they? Well why would a mask go drop twenty tourism bucks in your town if you don't want him there? What, is masked money no good? Anyway, Sinestro didn't find his pizza. He found Power Ring battling Temp Sinestro Corps Member, Batman! Also in the room? All those fuckers on the cover of this issue. And now, on with the story!

As this story begins, Sinestro has chased Power Ring into the sewers of Metropolis. I don't know how they got there. They dropped down the hole in the floor created by Luthor and Pals? I'm not sure why Sinestro is after him. It's hard to figure out Sinestro's motivations. Is he doing something selfless or selfish this time? Is he fighting for justice or simply for order at any price? Is he just trying to make Hal Jordan look bad or make Hal Jordan look bad? I think I know why Power Ring is fleeing from Sinestro though. Because Power Ring is a coward and his ring is quickly running out of charge.

The rest of the Secret Society of Super-Villains remain to battle Luthor and Pals with Special Guest Members Batman and Catwoman. This is probably the part where I'd scan a picture of the fight but, like usual, David Finch has graced us with a two page splash that doesn't fit in my rectum. I mean scanner!

I just realized I had a little more fuck you in me for David Finch! Why the fuck isn't Captain Cold on the cover, you dick?! He's the best member (after Bizarro!) of Luthor and Pals!

Why the fuck is Deathstroke making an Alice in Wonderland reference? He seems more of a quote Rocky III kind of guy.

Naturally, Catwoman takes on Deathstroke. I can't think of a better match-up! I mean, maybe Batman would be a better match against Deathstroke but he's busy bickering with Lex Luthor, so he doesn't have time to throw Bat-punches. The next match-up is Giganta versus Catwoman. Wait. That can't be right. Did Catwoman already defeat Deathstroke?!

If I were the fictional character of Catwoman, I would get super pissed every time somebody made me say "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?"

Let's see...I think the next match-up will be Blockbuster versus Catwoman! No, I'm wrong! It's actually Shadow Thief versus Captain Cold. And the winner of that battle is Black Manta!

Batman battles Copperhead while Deathstroke takes on Lex Luthor. Deathstroke should have quit the Secret Society of Super-Villains months ago. He keeps getting his ass beat and he's not making any money because he's yet to make a single head roll. I don't know why the fuck he'd have joined up with this fucking crew when he's wealthy beyond belief and he doesn't work well on a team. The last team he had back in Deathstork Deathstroke #ReallyEarlyIssue, he killed them all! This is one of those big universe wide crossovers where they just needed a bad-ass killer so they decided to forget about Slade's personal motivations and throw him in the mix anyway. If they just have him mention how he's getting paid, it's enough of a reason to have him in the group! But I'm not buying it! I won't be fooled by this bullshit! And Deathstroke shouldn't either! His reputation is going to take a huge hit after the Crime Syndicate is defeated and everybody notices that Deathstroke got his ass handed to him no fewer than twelve times.

Fuck this. Fuck you! Fuck Johns! Fuck Finch! Fuck Liefeld! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Slade is supposed to be super smart! He would have thought through all of the ramifications of siding with the Crime Syndicate. And, you know, he never would have done it anyway! What the fuck did I just get through saying?

So it takes Luthor's big brain to convince Slade to turn on the Crime Syndicate? Whatever. Toss my fucking salad, Johns.

Meanwhile in the sewers, Sinestro cuts off Power Ring's arm. The big veiny arm. The one with the ring on it. And the ring decides to cut its losses and go find a new host while Harold goes up in yellow flames. At least he was finally happy and free of that despotic ring. But who will the ring use as its host now? Who is the most cowardly person in The New 52?! My gut tells me it'll be a Batman villain. Maybe Scarface's master, Arnold Wesker (the non-telekinetic Ventriloquist who has only been seen in Finch's early issues of The Dark Knight)?

Back to the main bout, Copperhead gets his head blown off by Deathstroke and the last antagonist standing, Blockbuster, is knocked out by Bizarro. Now it's probably time for Batman to chastise everybody and act self-righteous because he wouldn't have resorted to guns or killing like these other barbarians always do. Except it isn't Batman that does the chastising. It's Sinestro!

Smart move, Luthor! Give up the leadership position just in case things go wrong!

Batman tries to demand to be leader but I don't think these guys see Batman in the same way that Batman sees Batman. Why would they need a powerless goody-two-shoes bitch when they've got a genius and a magic superman and an assassin and a ring wielder and another Superman but this one like a child? Batman seems a bit superfluous in this group. I mean, in their eyes! We all understand why they need Batman to lead! Because he's the Goddamned Batman and nobody is better at everything than he is!

Back at the Batcave, the top three members of the Crime Syndicate are having a little chat about Kryptonite and Waynes. Their discussion is interrupted by Grid who mentions something has appeared over Maine in response to Power Ring's ring's call for a new host. Maybe Brainiac? Or somebody from Apokolips? Whatever it is, it has Ultraman and the rest a bit worried. I hope it's not Mongul and his shitty Warworld.

It's not. It's just a big red tear that needed another double splash page to express its extra large dimensions. So Power Ring's ring is still off looking for a host and will probably find one on Earth. Maybe it'll even find one in one of the spin-off mini-series. Ultraman points out that the big red tear in the sky is because the creature that destroyed their world has now found New Earth. I thought that was probably Darkseid but maybe not. Or maybe so. One of those.

Forever Evil #5 Rating: -4 Ranking for the portrayal of Deathstroke. I didn't like the way he was being used up until this point but to have him switch sides because of a brief argument by Lex that Slade should have already thought of himself was the camel that broke its own back.

Red Lanterns #27

Yes! Fuck that slut's brains out, Ice!

I just finished reading my commentary of Red Lanterns #26 where I speculate who might get Ratchet's Red Ring. Last month, I settled on it probably going to a gerbil. But now that all the advertisements for the Green Lantern/Red Lanterns Double Backed Flip Book Extraordinaire have spoiled it for me, I know it's going to go to Supergirl. Which also explains why Doctor Veritas the Omniologist couldn't stop commenting on how angry Kara was. LeGrouch was trying to drop clues as to the ring's new bearer by saying it will go to a blonde with a nice butt although that just made me think Booster Gold was going to get it. That probably won't happen until the end of this issue though, so I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't wait to see how Guy and Tora's first date in a long time goes. I wonder if Black Hand will be there again?

The Red Lanterns have a bit of downtime now that they've just saved an entire race of enslaved beings. Those beings have come to Ysmault to carve huge statues honoring the Red Lanterns. But they're going to need a new statue soon because Ratchet's ring is out there looking for a new finger (remember! It's going to be Supergirl's finger!). Bleez thinks the new Red Lantern might need a little bit of help, so she organizes a Welcome to the Fucking Club party.

Rankorr is going to be so disappointed with this trip. Maybe if he's lucky, they can stop at Andersen's for some Split Pea Soup.

Rankorr declares he's going to find out "ten secrets of the universe" as he and Bleez head off on their trip. Like where does poetry come from? And why is his head on fire? And how come Bleez is the only Red Lantern whose suit decided to go full g-string? Those are all the secrets of the universe that I can come up with.

Guy decides to take a trip to Earth (where he'll probably run into Bleez and Rankorr!) and he invites Skallox and Zilius Zox along with him. So prepare to be terrified, Earthlings!

I guess in a Teen Plus comic book, you can refer to yourself as a penis. I guess if Catwoman can toss around double-headed dildos, Rankorr calling himself a bell-end is mild in comparison. Not that I have a problem with any of it! I'm just constantly aware of how stodgy and easily offended the American People are. Why should I expect anything more from a culture that has grown-ass people actually refusing to say certain words when having normal discussions about them. You know, when you're discussing the negative connotations of a word like "nigger" or "retard," you don't have to couch them in "n-word" and "r-word." We are adults. We can survive hearing those words. It's how these words might be used that should cause anger or offense, not simply hearing the fucking things.

Guy arrives at Earth and quickly ditches Skallox and Zilius Zox. He does give them directions for a walking tour of the best places to see on Earth. I don't know where Guy would send them. Pyramids? Um. Pyramids? It doesn't really matter though because Zox has his own agenda. There's something he's dying to find out. I think he's going to get Skallox in trouble.

Gardner arrives first in Baltimore, his home, but that must be to throw off Zox and Skallox because he didn't really want them hanging around anyway since his main point in visiting is to see Tora Olafsdotter. Ice.

Come on, Tora! Give in! He's a charmer! I mean, he's not. But I like him and I like you so fuckity fuck already.

Speaking of ice and snow, I had a big winter adventure here in Portland yesterday! My work vehicle was in the shop and I got the call to pick it up at two in the afternoon. Just as a dusting of snow was beginning to cover the streets. So the Non-Certified Spouse took me to pick it up. It took an hour to get there and two hours to get back. Because of the snowstorm and the slow, slow, horrendously slow traffic that it caused. I love the snow but hate traffic. Anyway, the cars are home and parked nicely and today Portland expects more snow, so I'll be heading out in it later. On foot. I have to pick up a copy of Ms. Marvel #1 at the comic shop and find a place to eat where I can look out of a window at the snow. Also this morning, I headed out to get some coffee. I was the first to walk down the driveway this morning and this is what I saw:

Either a Raccoon came by or a Sumatran Rat Monkey is on the loose.

The tracks were right beneath my neighor's kitchen window and he was there making breakfast or something. So he probably heard me squeal in delight as I came upon the raccoon footprints. Here's another shot of more of the raccoon's trail in the backyard.

I couldn't tell what creature had made the prints in the foreground of this picture because the snow was so deep.

Anyway, back to Guy and Tora's first meeting in quite a long time. I like that Ice is not happy about the fucking cold puns. That has got to get old. I, myself, get tired of all the mentions of my fabulous lovemaking whenever I go home for the holidays. Knock it off, cousin! You're embarrassing me!

Meanwhile, Skallox and Zilius are finding their tour of the world boring. They give up just before they're about to check out Las Vegas! Which could be fun. Maybe. Probably not since they know nothing of drinking earth booze and gambling and all you can eat buffets. And they probably wouldn't be allowed in any casinos, so what would they do there? Neon Sign Graveyard? Anyway, it doesn't matter since they're eventually approached by Shadow Thief. She's not very big on aliens on her planet, so this might wind up in that fight Zilius was looking forward to.

Best moment of Red Lanterns so far? Unless Dex-Starr and Midnighter's battle took place in this comic instead of Stormwatch. Then this is the second best moment.

For some reason, the question enrages Shadow Thief. Perhaps in Israel, it's bad form to mention testicles. Especially when the creature mentioning them looks like a gigantic one with lots of teeth. So the battle begins because Shadow Thief threw the first punch and Guy's only rule was that they couldn't throw the first punch. You know, the rule that Supergirl completely fucking ignores!

Guy has to go deal with Skallox and Zox's fuck up, but he invites Ice along to watch and see how he's changed. He will solve a problem without punching it in the face! He will use words! And good words! Not bad words! He will show Gus Tora that words can be used for good! Good words for good! Not bad words for bad!

Meanwhile in space, Ratchet's ring has not yet found Supergirl's fantastic bum. Instead, it found a fish thing. And that fish thing was found by some other guys you might recognize.

Whoops!

Red Lanterns #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some great moments in this issue. Charles Soule is doing a good job with pacing this comic. I like the beats. I like the interactions. I likey like like. Maybe you likey like like too?

Justice League of America #10

I'm not the only one that looked at this cover and wondered what the fuck Stargirl was pulling out of her ass, am I?

Last issue, Martian Manhunter battled Martian Manhunter in his Deathstorm Prison Cell. But Stargirl escaped or something. It's basically the Justice League of America treading water until they can get back into the Forever Evil storyline.

This issue begins with Stargirl trapped in the memory of her origin as she reads a book by the psychotic best-selling author, David Graves. But Martian Manhunter is also stuck in her head, so he's there to try to get her ass in gear and/or make her go insane.

You know, Courtney, your step-dad might explain it all to you but he's probably a bit embarrassed about the whole being an adult sidekick to a kid thing.

That's about the extent of Stargirl's memory before Blockbuster punches her in the face and she wakes up in the middle of a battle with him as well as Deathstroke, Copperhead, Shadow Thief, and Giganta. Her powers have merged with Martian Manhunter's powers which allows her to take a punch full in the face from Blockbuster and then another from Giganta. But Martian Manhunter warns her, in a faux British accent, "My powers are faaaaaading! You must stop remembering your stupid past and saaaaaave the daaaaaaay!"

Stargirl doesn't really listen because her head is killing her and why doesn't Martian Manhunter just shut the fuck up already! Although, I suppose her head could be hurting from the mega-fisting it took from Giganta.

Yeah, that's not going to help.

Stargirl takes a quick break to remember learning that the original wielder of her Star Staff was named Sylvester Pemberton. But she's too young to remember All Star Squadron and Infinity Inc. and whatever fucking books that rich motherfucker was a part of. And then she's got her act together and she's ready to defeat the Secret Society of Super-Villains all by herself.

The one member she doesn't defeat is Deathstroke because we're already pushing credulity that she defeated the rest of them by herself with Martian Manhunter's powers while he yells inside of her head. And since Deathstroke can't fly (except that one time in an issue of Batman: The Dark Knight where he lands on the Batplane all Venomed out for some reason and then disappears just as quickly), Stargirl takes off into the sky like some kind of Skyman or Star-Spangled Kid.

Stargirl lands in Metropolis to separate from Martian Manhunter with some drama about how she's tired of following orders and how nobody knows any better than she does what the right thing to do is and how she's going to go back to L.A. to make sure her family is safe. Martian Manhunter, now seperated, begins to search for the prison that holds the rest of the Justice League members. They're either in Firestorm's Slash Fanfiction Space or Deathstorm's Snuff Fanfiction Space.

Oh good! They're in the Slash Fanfiction Prison!

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN TRINITY WAR AND FOREVER EVIL?
By Grunion Gun!

At first, Superman couldn't believe what he was seeing: a large, well-muscled man in blue and red spandex that was just a little too tight in the crotch with a large letter on his chest! But something wasn't quite right! The woman next to him looked incredibly like Lois Lane, especially in the boob and the butt area! Which he could see both of perfectly because she was a master of the Boob/Butt Showcase! Next to them was a character that looked an awful like lot Green Lantern but his right arm had a serious four hour erection! The Flash but with a penis shaped head squatted nearby sneering and masturbating so quickly that the air was soon filled with a thick mist of jizz!

"What is this?" quipped Clark Kent just as everything began to spin and shake and dissolve into some other place! He thought he could hear two voices screaming softly, "No! No! Fury can't handle this many psyches! We'll become...FURIOUS FUCKING!" And then there was a bright flash of light!

Superman felt a large hand running up his inner thigh as his vision began to clear! "Bruce?" he asked with a slight smile on his lips and a bulge that could only come from a Kryptonian's underwear!

"Who's Bruce?" came the small, child-like voice! Superman opened his eyes to see Shazam slowly cupping his crotch! "What's the quickest way to get this...," Captain Marvel tugged at Superman's erection, "Out of these tights and into here?" Captain Marvel pointed at his naked asshole!

Suddenly there was a blur of red and yellow behind Shazam and Shazam's face twisted into an orgiastic grimace as The Flash fucked him in 0.000008 seconds flat! Superman gaped in confusion or ecstasy or however a person gapes and quickly ripped his suit apart, freeing his Krypton which was ready to explode once again! He grabbed Billy Batson by the back of the head and rammed his mouth down over his cock! As Superman came, everybody in the space felt the shockwaves as Aquaman telepathically linked their mines for the precious moment! Nearby, Simon Baz was creating magnificently sculptured buttplugs with his ring and....

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on, Grunion Gun! Stop the fucking presses!

Did you just make Billy Batson suck Superman's cock? Is that illegal? Can you even type that?! I mean, it's obvious he's in his grown man persona, right, but does that make it okay? It does, doesn't it? Maybe I should stop this story now before it gets too sexy. I mean, illegal.

Justice League of America #10 Rating: No change. I can tell I'm not really that into a story arc when I can't think of much to say about it. Also when it devolves into Slash Fiction. That's probably a bad sign as well.

Shadow Thief #1

That's a really unfortunate placement for Catwoman's knee. But that's the kind of shit that happens when you just reuse the same backgrounds over and over again because you think nobody will notice due to Lenticular Blindness.

They've dropped the dash in Shadow Thief's name for The New 52 which seems to be something they're doing on most characters that has punctuation in their name. I can't think of any others at the moment but the thought is in my head so it must be true. They even cleaned up I...Vampire because who needs a fucking ellipsis in your comic book title? Just throw a comma in there! It'll save ink! But dropping the dash, does that now make the name a little less clear? Now is she a thief that steals shadows as opposed to a thief that is a shadow evidence by the dash connecting the descriptor to the noun.

Is that how that works? Who can remember the rules of your own language unless you've really studied a second language? I know how to put words together to, usually, express coherent thoughts. Am I supposed to be able to describe how and why it all works too? I suppose if I want to seem professional and maybe make money at it and possibly answer Tumblr asks in a slightly humble yet obviously super hoity-toity way like Neil Gaiman!

I'm fairly certain (not due to all of the research I have done but due to my cynical gut feeling and jumped to conclusions) that Neil Gaiman really wants people to "make good art" because he knows most people will just produce shit art and then he can look at it and laugh and laugh and laugh all the way down to the proverbial bank where he stores his laughter safely while earning a proper interest on it. Neil knows you have to make your laughter work for you.

Oh Neil Gaiman! You were lucky The Sandman came out before Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was on the scene! But I'm here now, so you'd better hope The Sandman Overture is a masterpiece! Even if it is, I will be drawing dicks on Morpheus in Photoshop and posting them to Tumblr.

The writer on Shadow Thief #1 is Tom DeFalco. Hey buddy! I've missed you! I can't wait to see how much you've improved in your time away. At least you didn't begin the comic with, "My name is Shadow Thief." Although you did begin with a splash page. But to your credit, I think this one actually works as a good beginning point.

This is going to be a short comic book.

Carla Sands (or whatever her name was. Hawkman ended a long time ago! And I'm shit with names!) is a member of the Mossad (which you probably know if you read the tiny Narration Boxes in the scan above). I believe the Mossad are like Israeli Avon. Apparently the people in this high-rise really didn't like any of her products. As she's falling, she thinks about how she's fighting a war against aliens invading the Earth. I remember that and now I'm wondering why she's in Villains Month! Is it because she's like Javert and is entrenched in foundational thinking with no flexibility or leeway for exceptions to her darling rules? So she makes no distinction between Superman and Doomsday. Thus making her a villain. Or, at the least, a big stubborn racist jerk. Which isn't a great "least" but there you have it.

There may also be other reasons which I'd learn if I'd just sit down and keep reading the stupid comic book.

Earlier as she was hunting down the arms dealers that would eventually throw her out of a window, she notices the world has kind of gone to shit.

At least she's aware of her prejudices.

During her flashback, Shadow Thief gives a quick rundown on her powers. She can enter the Shadow Realm through any shadow on Earth. The Shadow Realm is full of portals that lead back to any place on Earth (I assume any place with a shadow). Her Shadow Skin allows her to become insubstantial and to create Shadow Weapons which she uses to kill aliens. She has a trust problem and only seems to trust herself. Inside the Shadow Realm are hostile, mindless (possibly) Shadow Creatures which attack her on sight and created her Shadow Skin. I think they created her Shadow Skin by growing it on themselves and then she took it. And most of this rambling, expository paragraph was just to put some distance between the last picture and this following one that I think Chad Hardin did an amazing job on.

I really liked his work on Demon Knights and couldn't be happier that he's working on Harley Quinn. Okay, I guess I'd be happier if Amanda Conner were actually drawing Harley Quinn. But Chad Hardin is a fine substitute.

Shadow Thief looks quite a bit like April Winchell in the next panel that I didn't scan. If you're curious about that comparison, you can think of it as a homework assignment and do the research yourself.

One of the men in the arms deal gone bad is an old acquaintance of Aviva (that's her name!). And by "acquaintance," I mean "spy fuck buddy." Those terms are nearly synonymous. At least the way I use them. From her conversation with her fuck buddy, we learn that Aviva is a steel stomached, cold hearted killing machine that does what (she thinks) needs to be done. No qualms. No worries. No regrets. Fire and forget. Kill and chill. These attributes might be the things that make her a villain.

Aviva continues to have flashbacks as she falls because they have some ridiculously tall buildings in Dubai.

Look at that panel border in the lower right corner! Goddammit, Hardin! You still haven't purchased that t-square I recommended back in Demon Knights?!

I bet Mister Q is Green Arrow! It's hard to tell by his looks because, and this is helpful information for people new to comic books, different artists draw people slightly differently. Or quite differently when they're drawing King Shark. Fuck me, how many versions of that character exist?

It turns out Mister Q is not Oliver Queen. He's the beginning of Aviva's origin story. I didn't realize the A.R.G.U.S. story was beginning after she had to flee the Mossad for killing her commander and initiating a missile strike on an area full of civilians. Mister Q sends her for a case which contains a biohazard and a suit. Her mother and brother (the family that fled to America with her) were biochemists and they decided to test the biohazard. It blew up in their faces and melted them down inside the sealed chamber where they were examining it. Aviva grabbed the suit out of the case and put it on thinking that it was protective wear against the virus. But it was the Shadow Suit and she accidentally traveled for the first time to the office of Mister Q where he called her a thief. So that's why the dash is missing! She did steal a shadow!

And to finish out her origin, the explanation for her hatred and mistrust of aliens!

While falling in her reverie, Aviva manages to change into her Shadow Skin and slip into the shadows of her trench coat to enter the Shadow Realm. I guess her momentum has no effect on her as she enters the Shadow Realm? She doesn't just splat on a wall or ceiling or floor as she hurtles through the Shadow Portal at 122 miles per hour? I know, I know! Comic book logic! She exits the Shadow Realm back in the room she'd just been thrown out of where she proceeds to kill everybody but her fuck buddy. Although all the blood and violence and gore has probably killed the mood a bit if she were keeping him alive for old time's sake.

Oh, Shadow Thief just disarms him and sends him back to the Mossad with a message to not deal with aliens or else.

Shadow Thief is the ginchiest. I think that's a positive thing you say about someone you have a crush on.

Shadow Thief #1 Rating: A Tom DeFalco story that I actually liked. He must have gone to some writing workshops while he was away. What I liked about this issue is that it really pretty much ignored the overall Crime Syndicate story and Shadow Thief had no real enemy because Hawkman was cancelled, so it was free to just tell her tale. And as an origin, it was well done in that I'm now fully prepared to enjoy Shadow Thief stories because I really feel like I know her. This was a really well done character portrait of a woman losing herself in paranoia, grief, and power. Plus Chad Hardin's art is not hard to look at. He draws an adorable Shadow Thief.

I wonder if I'm been in any lakes recently with brain eating bacteria because I just liked Scott Lobdell and a Tom DeFalco origin stories back to back. Although I liked DeFalco's story overall and I just liked Lobdell's explanation of H'el while the writing was kind of poo.

Shadow Thief! (as seen in Hawkman)

PERSONAL DATA
Real Name: Carl Sands [Why does that make me think of fog and cat feet?]
Occupation: Professional Criminal, Mercenary
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: Injustice Gang of the World
Base of Operations: The Hyathis Corporation
First Appearance: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD #36
Height: 6'6" Weight: 175 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: Black

HISTORY
A common burglar, Carl Sands was apprehended when a policeman saw the "well-hidden" criminal's shadow. During his long stay in prison, Sands felt mocked by his shadow, for it could leave his cell, but he couldn't [Such a huge problem with our justice system. Placing the mentally ill in prison instead of in an asylum where they can get some help from such great doctors as Jeremiah Arkham or Harleen Quinzel or Night Nurse.]. After he had served his time, Sands vowed to use his shadow the way he had imagined he could while a prisoner. he studied shadow facts and legends and even performed "experiments" based on this "research." [At this point, even the writer of the entry is mocking him.]

Sands accidentally managed to open up a portal to the dimensional world of Xarapon and then saved the life of Thar Dan, a scientist there [Did he open up the portal doing black magic shadow puppetry?]. Sands was rewarded with the Dimensiometer, a device that enabled him to shift his body to Xarapon and appear on Earth only as an intangible shadow. Nothing could touch Sands, yet he could steal at will with the aid of special ebony gloves [Or he could, you know, use the Dimensiometer to reappear, take the item, then take it back to Xarapon. Right? No? Not possible due to some comic book logic?]. The only drawback to this wondrous device was that every time Sands used it, it affected the magnetic lines of Earth. Too-frequent usage could cause another Ice Age [There it is! The comic book logic!], a dire possibility that never troubled Sands overmuch as he began his new career as the Shadow-Thief [Once again, thanks for the consistency, editors. Cover doesn't have a dash in Shadow Thief but the entry does.].

After suffering several defeats at the hands of Hawkman (see Hawkman II) and Hawkwoman (see Hawkwoman), the Shadow-Thief was recruited by Hyathis (see Hyathis), then-empress of the Hawks' home planet of Thanagar (see Thanagar), to serve her cause of galactic conquest. He took to the role of mercenary eagerly and has remained in the employ of the Thanagarians ever since.

During a battle with Hawkwoman, the Shadow-Thief was trapped in the dimension of Xarapon for several months. When he returned, he had somehow modified his powers so that they were no longer dependent on the Dimensiometer or his traveling to Xarapon.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Carl Sands can turn himself into a living shadow at will. In this form he can control his density, partially or totally, becoming intangible enough to pass through any substance known to man, even solid concrete [I thought they were going to say "even lead."].

One would experience a sensation of intense cold on passing through Sands' shadow-substance [Gross.]. The sensation is caused by the substance's ability to absorb all heat and light in its immediate vicinity. Sands can control this condition to some extent and even use it as a weapon.

On one occasion Sands seemingly brought the shadows of other people to life. Whether he actually possesses this ability or was merely making use of a magic trick learned during his pre-Xarapon "research" remains to be seen.

In hand-to-hand combat Sands is a poor fighter. However, he does have access to the advanced weaponry of the Thanagarian invasion force.

The Salvaged Hawkman #18

I don't remember Hawkman being defeated by Yu-Gi-Oh?

Last issue, Tom DeFalco actually wrote a story that allowed me to rationalize this entire series. Up until last issue, this series was just a steaming pile. It was an embarrassing, putrid growth on the backside of DC Comics. I still don't care about Hawkman but at least I'm not completely confused by it. I don't usually repeat big chunks of text from previous commentaties but I think this bit is especially important for understanding The Salvaged Hawkman.

If Carter Hall’s personality is affected by the change into Hawkman, he may have been trying to destroy the armor because he was afraid of what he was becoming. Perhaps when he first escaped to Earth, he took on a human persona to try to escape paying for his “crimes” on Thanagar. It’s possible he even used some kind of technology to forget his real identity of Katar Hol. But the Nth metal was slowly drawing out his real identity every time he wore it, possibly making him angrier and angrier. Perhaps he killed someone the night before he tried to burn the suit! Desperate and afraid, he drove out to the forest, drunk and scared. He burned the suit hoping to be rid of the confusion it engendered in him. Instead he and the suit became one! Ever since then, his memories were beginning to come back. He began investigating the Nth metal to try and combine the disparate wisps of memory floating to the surface of his mind. While doing so, he must have dropped clues at libraries and research centers that were picked up on by mercenaries like Xerxes who were searching for the mysterious Nth metal. His encounter with Xerxes alerted even more people like Pike who was searching for him because of his crimes on Thanagar. And then when he encountered Shayera, his memories completely came back and he realized how he had been living a false life. It kind of falls apart after that when he lets Shayera go and then begins hunting her again. But maybe he didn’t realize he had a bunch of questions he wanted to ask until after he sent her off into space. L’esprit de l’escalier, sort of. In a way.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman and Shadow Thief escaped into the Shadow Realm rather than being blown to bits by a Thanagarian Buster Bomb. And it is in The Shadow Realm where this issue begins!

I had to just recheck the cover to make sure they hadn't changed the title to "The Melodramatic Hawkman!"

The Savage Hawkman can stand against any man or monster but he is ill-prepared to battle the cold! The Nth Metal can form weapons and armor but it just can't make a decent sweater.

Hawkman learns that Shadow Thief is willing to kill men bringing alien death to her home planet of Earth. She gets defensive when he questions her about killing and sentencing them to death but she really shouldn't. I'm pretty sure he's impressed by her tactics. Other creatures live in the Shadow Realm and they threaten Hawkman and the Shadow Thief. She can apparently enter the Shadow Realm from anywhere on Earth but to exit the Realm, she needs to find a portal. So they go looking for a way back as the readers get to catch up with Emma and her dad.

Emma's dad is being nice and sweet and that's only making Emma's decision to send him off to an old person concentration camp called "Rest Haven" more difficult.

Back in the Shadow Realm, The Shadow Thief tells Hawkman an abridged version of her origin. Suffice to say, she's mad at the people in charge and she no longer trusts them and now she's taken it upon herself to save the world! I think Hawkman likes her. For an agent of the Mossad, she sure does talk a lot about herself. Sure, she speaks in generalities to Hawkman. But she should know better than anyone (except Batman!) that you keep your fucking mouth shut. Otherwise you're just giving other people an advantage over you. Maybe it's exactly her training that leads her to tell Hawkman just enough so that he knows she's dangerous. How should I know exactly why she does what she does?! I've never been trained as an assassin or spy or covert agent for a secret organization that I assure you you've never heard of and if you think you have it was just the ramblings of a paranoid schizophrenic.

Meanwhile at "Rest Haven":

Yeah, science comes at a cost, Mark! Just not one that the doctor is willing to pay! So you'll have to pick up the check, buddy boy!

And then back in the Shadow Realm, Shadow Thief's other shadow shoe drops. She asks Hawkman to share his story because she already shared hers. So it was a gambit to gather more information for herself. She tells him a vague story about how she found the Shadow Skin and she tries to convince him to tell her all about his Nth Metal Skin. She's a tricky one! And slippery! And sexy! Is it weird that my shadow is turning me on right now?

Once Hawkman finishes his story about coming from Thanagar, The Shadow Thief rewards him by trying to kill him. Even though his story mostly matches her in that he was used and abused by authority and learned not to trust them. The only thing The Shadow Thief hears is that he's a stupid alien. They spar for a bit because otherwise the comic book wouldn't be exciting. The Shadow Thief may just be trying to gauge Hawkman's abilities while showcasing her ability to turn insubstantial at will. I don't think the fracas is too serious since they stop just as quickly as they began because they're suddenly threatened by a common enemy in The Shadow Realm's residents.

Hawkman takes a blow that might have killed Shadow Thief. His armor heals him but Shadow Thief is a bit pissed off that he went and saved her life when it goes against her xenophobia. I guess now that her entire worldview has been shattered by this encounter, she has to sing about the unchanging stars and jump off a fucking bridge. Or she can rescue him and leave their relationship a bit up in the air. While they could have made a good team, it seems Shadow Thief is just a bit too violent for even the Savage Hawkman. And she can't stand him because he's one of those aliens she hates, even if his goal is the same as hers. So they ramp up the sexual tension between the two and then Shadow Thief takes off.

You know what would have made this moment even more interesting to me? If Shadow Thief was still a guy.

Later Hawkman has one of those interminable arguments with his increasingly less significant other.

There it is! The ultimatum! My stance is that whenever anybody gives you an ultimatum, you always take the choice they didn't actually want you to take. Fuck them and their controlling ways!

I hope this relationship ends soon. I despise it. When Tony Daniel was writing, it was sort of a possible mutual attraction where Carter was a bit shy and awkward around her and uncertain how to ask her out. And then they may have gone on one date under Daniel's writing when the Gentleman's Ghost and the Zombie outbreak and Static's guest appearance happened (I might be making some of that stuff up. Stupid memory). But then when Liefeld took over, they were basically a couple and running around the world together because fuck Emma's responsibilities! She's in love! I guess. Whatever. I loathe this relationship and how it developed. Or didn't develop. So please just end it.

The Savage Hawkman #18 Rating: No change. Sorry, Hawkman. You just weren't good enough to justify climbing up out of the bottom rank and shoving the Teen Titans into the bottom slot. Although the Teen Titans really were bad enough to be there! These books just are not very entertaining.

The Savage Hawkman #17

I was wondering where DC was going to stick DeFalco after kicking him off of Superboy. This seems appropriate. What harm can he do here? I actually think he'll make it better!

Hey! Did you see that caption?! I think I actually sort of gave Tom DeFalco a compliment! I haven't liked anything he's done on Superboy (every issue is basically the same issue anyway) and his Legion Lost was horrible. But he did a middling job on his guest stint on Nightwing although he turned Batgirl into a raving lunatic. And I think a bad writer that can sometimes do a mediocre job is just what The Savage Hawkman needs!

Plus I hope it's funny! Why does Hawkman have to be all savage and angry all the time?

The first page is some nonsense about a bunch of thieves that don't understand gambling who blow themselves up. I'm sure it's tied into the Shadow Thief somehow. Like maybe he gave them the bomb to crack the safe knowing it would kill them and then he slips in and steals the money as a shadow. But it's the second page that really gets things moving! Because look at this! It's lighthearted with Emma's dad joking around with her!

Oh ha ha! He didn't even notice they were gone! What a joker!

And then Tom DeFalco makes me feel bad.

Fuck me! Way to kill the lighthearted aspect!

If the Professor has Alzheimer's, does that mean he has no idea why this hot woman is rubbing her tits all over him? Do you think he's pressing an erection against his daughter's thigh here? Not only does this disease rob a person of their humanity, it also has to embarrass the fuck out of them too? At least he's still mostly himself and wants to talk about evidence he's found that the Sumerians were actually an advanced civilization. Or more advanced. I have a feeling he means with alien technology and cosmic doohickeys.

But then it's Hawkman that begins to exhibit signs of mental degradation.

The inevitable mix-up between the Narration Box voice and the Thought Bubble voice!

Emma kicks Carter out so she can spend some time alone with her father. Also so she can spend some time away from Hawkman.

Meanwhile in the slums of Manhattan, The Shadow Thief is extracting information from some drunk nobody. I guess she wasn't involved in the heist gone wrong but she's trying to find out who was behind it. So maybe one of her family members or a love interest was killed in the explosion and she wants revenge. Revenge is a big theme in The Savage Hawkman!

The man behind the explosive was...Xerxes! Oh whew! I was hoping we hadn't seen the last of him!

Xerxes' men were all killed by Hawkman in Issue #10. Or maybe killed. It's hard to tell sometimes and Liefeld didn't name any of them. So Ironsides might be a new character or he might be Tic Tac Foe (trademark E!TACT!). I don't think he's Nipslip but I'd love for Nipslip to return as well!

Having been ditched by Emma, Carter wanders back to his old apartment. He finds everything has been repaired and his neighbor, the guy that looked like Ekuar from Elfquest but with a mohawk, has been holding his keys for him! The landlord assumed his lack of maintenance caused a gas leak which caused an explosion and he fixed the place up in the hopes that Carter wouldn't sue. So Tom DeFalco figured out a way to return the comic book to a place right around before Liefeld and Tieri shat all over it. Of course it was hard to differentiate their shit from Tony Daniels' shit. But if I were forced to make a choice, I'd probably do what DeFalco is doing here and try to move things back to where they were in Tony Daniels' run. This is no longer The Savage Hawkman! It's Tom DeFalco's The Salvaged Hawkman!

Next DeFalco spends a page on introducing the Shadow Thief.

Well that doesn't clear up anything! She must be tearing the shadow skin from her vagina in that final panel.

Hawkman's Nth metal now reacts to Thanagarian devices being activated within his vicinity. It changes him into Hawkman and a seemingly (somewhat) different personality. Perhaps DeFalco is going to try to make sense of the seventeen issues of sticky mess that came before this? I know this is issue #17! I can do math! There was a Zero Issue, remember!?

Hmm. This actually gives Issue #1 some context.

If Carter Hall's personality is affected by the change into Hawkman, he may have been trying to destroy the armor because he was afraid of what he was becoming. Perhaps when he first escaped to Earth, he took on a human persona to try to escape paying for his "crimes" on Thanagar. It's possible he even used some kind of technology to forget his real identity of Katar Hol. But the Nth metal was slowly drawing out his real identity every time he wore it, possibly making him angrier and angrier. Perhaps he killed someone the night before he tried to burn the suit! Desperate and afraid, he drove out to the forest, drunk and scared. He burned the suit hoping to be rid of the confusion it engendered in him. Instead he and the suit became one! Ever since then, his memories were beginning to come back. He began investigating the Nth metal to try and combine the disparate wisps of memory floating to the surface of his mind. While doing so, he must have dropped clues at libraries and research centers that were picked up on by mercenaries like Xerxes who were searching for the mysterious Nth metal. His encounter with Xerxes alerted even more people like Pike who was searching for him because of his crimes on Thanagar. And then when he encountered Shayera, his memories completely came back and he realized how he had been living a false life. It kind of falls apart after that when he lets Shayera go and then begins hunting her again. But maybe he didn't realize he had a bunch of questions he wanted to ask until after he sent her off into space. L'esprit de l'escalier, sort of. In a way.

Now that The Savage Hawkman makes sense, maybe it'll be entertaining! And if Tom DeFalco didn't mean for all the stuff in that last paragraph to be true, I'm giving it to him for free so that he can use it to make it all true, no questions asked!

The Nth metal leads Hawkman to the deal going bad between Xerxes and the gang leader. Shadow Thief is also there for an as yet unknown reason. But when Hawkman begins battling Ironsides, I learn his true identity!

Yes! It is Tic Tac Foe! See the X and O on his back?! I think the best Tic Tac Foe can hope for is a Cat's Game.

During the fight, Shadow Thief reveals that she fights extraterrestrial threats. While Hawkman was alone and flying to the fight, he also declared to himself that he has sworn to protect his adopted world from all threats terrestrial and galactic. So I think he and Shadow Thief are going to get along and hunt monsters and no-goodniks just like Amanda Waller reported to Steve Trevor in Justice League of America. Boom! Hawkman rebooted!

Because Xerxes primed one of the Thanagarian bombs, he tosses it amidst some others and escapes with Tic Tac Foe. Shadow Thief and Hawkman disappear into whatever Shadow Realm Shadow Thief utilizes to move about secretly as the gang member's yacht explodes.

The Savage Hawkman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book still wasn't very good. But it's so much better than it was! And it actually reboots Hawkman logically where I can Fanboy Rationalize the rest of the series into fitting into this new version of Hawkman. Plus raising it one Rank isn't going to do anything because that raises it to Spot #51 with no comic book beneath it. That slot will be filled by Constantine this month and I really don't think it's going to debut at #52! So, enjoy a non #52 Ranking for as long as it lasts, Hawkman!