Batman Vs. Bane #1

In a discussion about Batgirl Annual #2, I learned (or perhaps made up) the fact that "vs." is an abbreviation for scissoring. Now I'm about to read this and I'm well fucking excited! Look at how badly they want to squash their man-parts together!

Batman: "BANE!"
Bane: "*unintelligible*"
Batman: "Let's rub tips!"
Bane: "*unintelligible*"
Batman: "Press your testicles against mine, BANE!"
Bane: "*unintelligible*"

Then Batman and Bane scissor for a bit until the air is filled with Venomized Cum and Batsemen.

I probably just nailed the entire plot so I'm not sure I really even need to read this now! Especially since it has that "Forever Evil Aftermath" banner across he top and I don't remember Forever Evil ever reaching its math.

So anyway, this is Part Seven of Arkham War which is now Part One Shot of Batman vs. Bane. It probably begins with Bane sitting around in his Batman Costume enjoying the mediocre life that is ruling Gotham when a Blackgate Inmate runs up to him and says, "Mr. Bane! Mr. Bane! Batman is not dead! And he's coming for you!" And then the next three pages are just filled with shitty fart noises coming from Bane's pants.

Actually it begins with Gordon thinking brain damaged thoughts due to his time as an inmate in Blackgate Prison. Unless that hasn't happened yet. Oh fuck, who cares? I already read it so it happened! I'm declaring right this minute that I don't give a fuck about continuity! If the story came out and I've already read it and an editor isn't giving me a note saying, "This story takes place after Batman Eternal somehow!", then I'm simply going to write as if everything I've read has already happened! DC can't tell me how to interpret their universe! Obviously, since I already have Batman and Bane involved in what has been, historically, a lesbian sex act. Possibly even a fictional lesbian sex act! Do lesbians actually scissor? I bet more high school wrestlers scissor than lesbians!

Gordon isn't actually brain damaged. It's just there's one single typo in his Narration Boxes which I chose to read as not being a typo at all and being how he actually thought the sentence. I'm in control here!

This is how the comic really begins.

I can't believe all the pollen in the air and I'm only on page two! Where are my sniffle papers?!

"Sniffle Papers" are what I call tissues because I refuse to buy into Corporate Branding and call them Kleenex. Although if I bought into Popular Cultural Branding, I'd probably call them Spooge Catchers. Although if you're actually jerking off into sniffle papers, you're probably using the least effective manner of clean up. Unless, for the rest of the day, you want your hands to be covered in the most disgusting Papier Mâché ever composed.

Radio DJs are back on the air in Gotham and reporting that the Forever Evil Crisis (and probably some amount of clean up time) lasted for weeks. I'm fairly certain the actual time between the Justice Leagues disappearing and the end of Forever Evil #7 was just a day or two. I don't have any proof of that time frame because instead of doing research and coming up with facts to support my theory, I've been bitching about how awful David Finch's art has been. Here's a spoiler for Forever Evil #7: Finch's art isn't any better simply because he's taken an extra two months to work on it.

People are in desperate need of supplies and a new super villain, Mr. Charity, has decided to hand out supplies to the needy. Well, the needy with money. But that's the last capitalistic mistake Mr. Charity ever makes! Because Bane is a true savior to the people of Gotham. Not like that jerk Batman who only cares about buying property in high crime areas and then cleaning up the areas as Batman so his property is suddenly worth ten times as much. No, Bane is here to protect the regular folks!

I'm sure this is one of those deal with the devil type situations and these people are going to have to pay Bane back somehow. Probably with their loyalty and adult massages.

Or possibly they're just going to pay because he's an insane monster whose sense of right and wrong is horribly twisted from growing up in a prison.

Do you think he put her out of her misery by breaking her back on his knee?

I don't think Bane understands right and wrong. He only thinks in terms of weak and strong. If you're weak, you're wrong. But he also doesn't want any "strong" people preying on his citizens. Anyway, they're not strong if they can't stand up to Bane. Now everybody needs to go around thinking "What Would Bane Do?" before acting. Although that question probably won't help people in most situations since the answer is most likely "blow something up and/or break somebody's back."

Five minutes after Alfred discovers Batman is back, The Scarecrow and a couple of Talons find out as well. Five minutes after that, the Gotham Police (hereafter referred to as "pig cops") find out. Five minutes after that, Commissioner Gordon learns the good news. Five minutes after that, Bane spends three pages panels shitting himself. Like I mentioned earlier!

If I could level up any higher than Grandmaster Comic Book Reader of Flowers, I would!

Five minutes after the huge dump fills Bane's pants, the rest of Gotham knows Batman is back. Mostly from the smell.

I can't believe this father lets his kids watch such violence and raw, homoerotic sexuality. Not because the sexuality is homoerotic! That was just a statement of fact. Mostly I'm surprised he lets his kids watch because it's so fucking raw! Batman shoving his goo spitting phallus in the face of a Talon and spraying him point blank in the mouth. Jesus Christ, this comic book is fucking hot.

Bane and Batman don't get right to the scissoring. First Bane says how he's going to make Batman kneel before him. Oooh, sexy! See how I added the "oooh, sexy" in case you missed the kneeling as a reference to getting oral sex! After that, they crash through a window because falling heroes and villains always makes for a good comic book panel. It's almost mandatory especially in a special book like this one! The hero has to plummet from a great height at some point because it's a metaphor for losing control and almost exploding on pavement. It's a shitty metaphor but there you have it.

There's a protracted battle that I think involves a little bit of scissoring at one point. It also involves Batman getting bashed in the chest with the "W" from Wayne Towers. I think that's a metaphor about how modern journalism knocks the breath out of me. The "W" stands for journalism because of the five "W"s: Who, What, Why, Where, and Whores.

This is the last shot of the fight in the comic book but judging by the way Batman is checking out Bane's butt, it isn't how the fight actually ends.

The issue ends with Wayne and Gordon having a discussion about getting the city rebuilt. My favorite part is when Wayne mentions that he was locked up in his safe room for weeks. That'll definitely throw Jim off the scent of Wayne being Batman! The fucking coward holed up in a vault eating caviar and drinking Night Train. Or possibly an even more extravagant brand of wine. It's not like Gordon is an intelligent man and in no way would ever think, "Likely excuse, Mr. Batwayne!"

Batman Scissors Bane #1 Rating: There wasn't enough Bane on Batman sex for my tastes.

Arkham War #6

Hey White Rabbit! Nobody liked your character! Stop making cameos in all these Forever Evil titles! The only reason you exist is because David Finch is a horrible artist that needed a nearly naked young woman to draw so that he could remain interested in doing art for Batman: The Dark Knight.

I'm still not done savaging David Finch's art! He draws men as if they've been working 80 hour weeks in a coal mine for twenty years. And in the same panel with the supposedly same lighting, he draws women of the same age as the beat-up looking men but makes them look shiny and smooth skinned and no older looking than fourteen years of age. He draws men with wide, gaping fish mouths while putting perfect, detailed touches to the underage women he loves to draw. I don't know what slander is so this next sentence is purely innocent of the law and not meant to harm anybody's reputation but here it goes anyway. David Finch has something seriously wrong with his penis. I know, I know. It's quite the claim to make after having simply read his horrible stories and looked at his awful art. But I think his penis might be cursed. He can only draw well when it's erect and straining to see over the waistband of his jockey shorts. So while he's drawing Batman, it just remains flaccid and still like a cat lounging in a nice spot of sunlight spilling through slightly opened drapes. But when he begins thinking about fourteen year old girls, his penis leaps to attention and strains to fuck the image he's producing. The magic leaps from the urethra, spraying magic drawing juice all over the page to produce images like this one:

So what if I photoshopped this image a bit! It doesn't change my argument! I mean, it might make my argument look weaker in the future court of law which I may be finding myself in. But look how much effort he put into this image of a great big bare ass and barely covered boobs! Also interesting: the bullets bouncing off the shield generated by White Rabbit's ass cheeks.

Actually, the photoshop work I put into the above picture merely changed the coloring back to what it probably was supposed to be. Look at the hem of the shorts. I didn't touch that. But the pink of the shorts extended further down her butt. I just took that out and returned her ass to the proper color. So I think my version of this picture is probably closer to David Finch's original idea for it. You know, before that traitorous colorist kowtowed to the damn editors.

This issue begins with Bane pulling Court of Owl knives out of his body and trying to heal his wounds with an arc welder while the Talons that he and William Cobb recently cut in two are busy healing themselves back together (hopefully all of their upper torsos were matched up with the proper sets of lower torsos). Bane thinks he has a moment to clear his head but he's in for a bit of a surprise when the Venomized Looney Tunes come crashing down on Blackgate to ruin his big victory.

Venom doesn't just make a person strong; it also makes them sound like complete assholes.

I think Peter J. Tomasi was completely sick of having to come up with emotionally draining dialogue between Batman and Alfred and Dick and Damian and decided, "Fuck this shit! I want to write a comic where I can make the characters shout nonsense! Why should Lobdell and Nocenti be the only writers getting away with murder?!"

But Tomasi, having some dignity, couldn't quite commit to completely inane bullshit, so he allows Black Mask to retain some semblance of intelligence when he speaks. Tomasi probably would have lost some sleep trying to cash a check earned with lines like "HEAD CHEESE!" and "OINK OINK OINK!" and "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!" and "TALON TASTY TREAT!" and "ROASTED PORK!"

Bane tries to quell the invasion but is a bit stymied when he sees the Arkhamites are all venomized. Will he have a sudden realization that if these idiots can suddenly become as strong as he is that he's nowhere close to being competition to The Batman? Batman's power is all natural. His will and his strength and his intelligence all come through rigorous training and discipline while Bane can only compete by taking a shortcut with a needle? No, of course not. Bane is a megalomaniac. He might see the Arkhamites as cheating because they're using his gimmick but he'd never see using Venom on himself as a bullshit tactic. He probably sees it as a weakness and flaw in Batman's character that Batman doesn't take up the syringe and make himself a better man. I think there's an applicable analogy in there somewhere in regards to capitalism and big corporations and asshole lawyers and dirty practices. Jesus would be able to ferret it out and create a nice parable. Although the disciples wouldn't understand because they were all idiots so he'd wind up just explaining it anyway.

Bane is kidnapped by Man-Bat and flown to Arkham where the other inmates meet up with him to teach him a lesson.

I don't think I want to hear the second since the first one is a delusional lie. Venom is absolutely all it takes to become like Bane! Unless he was talking about the luchador mask.

A big brawl commences where Bane talks a lot of shit. Probably because he has a right to since he defeats the entire lot of Arkhamites. But his victory doesn't last for long. It can't because this series is over in just a few pages! Unless it goes to issue seven unlike all the other Forever Evil offshoots. Plus The Penguin arrives to stamp some kind of an epilogue and maybe a moral of some kind on this war.

The Penguin doesn't have anything intelligent to say, so I expect this series is going for at least another issue. The Penguin just takes all of the defeated Arkham Inmates away in cells. All except The Scarecrow who is left to be used as an example by Bane. You know. He'll probably tie him up like a scarecrow to frighten away all of the little rebellious assholes that might try to steal a piece of Bane's cash crop of Gotham City.

I suppose this series needs to make it past the end of Forever Evil so Batman can finally turn his attention back to his home town and hiss, "Bane!" And Bane will scream "EEEEP!" and run back to Santa Prisca.

Arkham War #6 Rating: No change. Just a bunch of musclebound oafs knocking the crap out of each other. You could get the same entertainment by watching wrestling or going to a frat party, depending on how much homo-eroticism you're looking for. If you want a super ton lot of it, might I suggest the frat party?

Arkham War #5

This is the last comic book I read that has "unleashed" on the cover! I really mean it this time! Come up with a new word, DC!

Okay, DC! I've done the difficult research for you by consulting Lord Google. Here are some other ways this cover could have gone!

"DISGUST DISCHARGED!"
"LOATHING LET LOOSE!"
"FRIGHT FREED!"
"REPUGNANCE RELEASED!"
"CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

Okay, maybe "unleashed" is the most viable which is why you overuse it. But I'm quite partial to "CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

In previous installments, Bane had disclosed hostilities on Gotham City which was currently overrun by deranged escapees from Arkham. That's probably why the comic book is called Arkham War. The regular citizens of Gotham are currently just trying to survive. Just like every other day in Gotham! Except most days nobody winds up in rowboats being sent out of the city by Jim Gordon and Agatha Greeksurnameopolis. Most days also don't involve Talons murdering the life out of everybody. Sure, some days have ended that way! But it's still fairly unusual. Not the kind of day you want to get caught outside without your full Kevlar body suit.

Bane loves going out in this weather.

Bane quickly finds himself in a full Talon downpour while William Cobb (the only Talon loyal to Bane) heads off on a super secret mission of secrecy. Bane is just the distraction because he can survive an assault of seven or so Talons. Or so he thinks! Batman survived being attacked by even more than that although he had help from Alfred. Alfred's help is probably worth four Talons alone. All Bane has is his ego and piles of dead soldiers to not fight beside him.

I'm not sure how you're supposed to defeat Bane but I am almost certain the secret is not anal beads.

As Bane keeps the Talons busy, Cobb returns from above, swinging down on a huge chopper blade to slice all the talons in twain. And since Talons don't die, Cobb is allowed a quiet moment to explain to them that they will soon regenerate right past the Scarecrow's mind control grip on them. I suppose they'll decide to follow Cobb back into battle. But I believe the Arkhamites still have one Talon in Henry Ballard! I don't really remember anything about that Talon but I'm pretty sure he wasn't present for Cobb's cutting party.

Back in Arkham, Scarecrow is thinking about contingency plans since controlling the Talons was never a sure part of the plan. His back-up plan was to get a sample of Bane's Venom to use against him. It seems that each and every Arkham escapee involved in the war is going to take a dose of the venom.

This is going to wind up a lot like the first horrible story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight.

Nobody here wants to use the Venom because that junk is crazy shitballs. So they refuse to drink. Too bad Crane wasn't using the wine as a delivery system. Instead, he piped the Venom into the room in gaseous form. So everybody is fucked. At least nobody took if voluntarily in this comic book! I still don't know what the fuck was up with all of the residents of Arkham tainted by Venom in Finch's initial story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight. That shit was so fucking awful. It may have been the worst end to any of The New 52's first issues when Venomized Two-Face appears and claims that he is now One-Face! What the fuck did that even fucking mean?! In a way, I kind of miss a lot of that amateur shit that was going down in the first year of The New 52! It's much harder to make fun of comics when I have to constantly lie and purposefully misunderstand the plot to find even a smidgen of humor for my commentaries.

At least the cover makes sense now! Even if it basically spoiled the final page.

Arkham War #5 Rating: No change. Another issue that felt like not much happened. Although I guess a lot did. Jim and Agatha are rescuing people. Bane defeated the Talons. The Scarecrow turned all of his allies into muscular brainless monsters. Hmm. That's it. So three things happened. And three things is not a lot. So I guess I was wrong when I guessed a lot happened. Never mind.

Arkham War #4

It's signing time with Talon and Bane! It's signing time with Talon and Bane! Come and play! Come and play! Come and play!

Bane begins the festivities by waking up the only Talon left in his possession, William Cobb. I think William Cobb was Dick Grayson's ancestor but my memory is faultier than that thing I can't quite think of, so I might be a bit unreliable. Speaking of family, I got this email from my mom about a week ago:

Haven't heard from you guys in awhile. I hope you got your Xmas gifts. My December was the worst one in history, excluding 2010. Give me a call once in awhile, please. You know I'm all alone down here.

I didn't reply because I don't respond well to guilt trips and only remembered to call her earlier tonight while watching Dexter when he mentioned how family is annoying and irritating! I glanced over at The Uncertified Spouse and said, "Oh! I should probably call my mom!" So I spent a an hour or two talking about Cats and Walking Dead and the reason her December was so shitty. It was because somebody let a bunch of Talons loose in Santa Clara. Which brings me back on track to this comic book!

Bane is still pretending he's Batman because that's weird. I've always felt that the villains that populate Gotham City do so because they have huge crushes on Batman. And Bane is just helping prove my theory due to his cosplay choices.

Bane informs Cobb (through the use of grandiose and overly burdened metaphors) that he is taking Gotham City and he'd like William Cobb's help. Cobb would like to see the other Talons freed from the grasp of Gotham's Madmen, so he agrees. And Bane declares he would like to see the Talons free as well because "to know thine enemy, you must become thine enemy." What the fuck does that mean? Is that why he dressed up as Batman? Does that mean that I have to begin writing like Scott Lobdell? No, no! That's only if I want to know my enemy! What the fuck do I care if I know my enemy? And why does Bane need to know his enemy? Doesn't he just want to defeat his enemy? I think Bane has been brain-damaged from too much Venom.

But don't you want to know them first? Like a landmass knows the ocean, tide after tide of endless greetings, wearing away the landmass's resistance one grain of sand at a time?

William Cobb burns off Sumo's face by using an unconscious Firebug's flaming hands to, well, you know. Emit flames! He then declares "One down, an entire asylum to go." But Sumo isn't actually down. He's just in the background clutching his face due to the slightly irritating heat. William Cobb is a Talon! He should be ripping these guys apart! Where's the gory overkills? He's just going to go easy on these assholes? Come on, Editorial! Give him some B-listers that he can kill! Where the fuck is White Rabbit? Kill her! She was created by David Finch during his shit tenure on Batman: The Dark Knight, so she still reminds me of all that time I wasted reading that crap. Finish her! Finish her now!

Little Wooden Ferdie does more damage than the Talon by shoving one of his fist screws into Mister Incandescent's face, rupturing it and sending his goo all over the street. Unless that wasn't Mister Incandescent. This is probably a good time to tell you how my memory isn't so good.

Bane grabs Zsasz by the face and calls off William Cobb before Cobb even gets started. What a disappointment. The only people that have died so far in this great war are nameless prisoners from Blackgate! This war sucks!

Bane is going to clean up this city better than Batman ever did! Nobody will have any individual freedoms but they'll all be too afraid to commit any crimes! Hooray for Bane!

Bane's actual plan is to take Gotham so that he can give it to the Court of Owls in exchange for a battalion of Talons powered by his Venom so that he can take over Metropolis and, probably, the rest of the world. That's a pretty ambitious plan. It also seems like a really fucking crappy plan. Why the fuck would anybody want to rule the world? What a shit job. Why are people so obsessed with fucking power? Just give me the amount of money I'm making each month right now each and every month until the day I die without my having to do anything I don't want to do. That's all I want! I certainly don't want to be responsible for anything! I just want to be free to travel whenever I want, to sit around reading and writing, maybe pick up a few more hobbies like painting and bathing, and some time left over to play Call of Duty while speaking in a high-pitched voice. Is that too much to ask?

Meanwhile The Scarecrow and Mr. Freeze and some (hopefully expendable) chump named Vortex have just woken up the rest of the Talons. With a nice mixture of Scarecrow's fear toxin and Mad Hatter's brainwashing technology, Scarecrow believes the Talons will fight for the Arkhamites and help them protect their sectors of Gotham from The Penguin and Bane. I don't think they have to worry about The Penguin since he's currently consumed with applying every medieval torture he can think of to Emperor Blackgate's scrotum.

Akrham War #4 Rating: No change. I don't think this can rightly be called a war until somebody with super powers and a stupid name bites the ticket. Buys the dust? Farms the roosters? Sails the crimson byway? Gets a visit from Aunt Flo? Spirals up the down staircase? Goes gently into that good Qwik-E-Mart? Sucks the peanut butter? Tips the waitress in cigarettes? Boils the bunnies? Have I gotten even one euphemism for dying right yet?! Oh! Suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?! Loves too well?! Fucks a Capulet? Mephisto up the yin-yang? Dreams of bottom's ass? Wanders over the Cliffs of Dover? Oh! That one should do it by whatever means a person would judge! That'd do you!

Arkham War #3

I initially read this cover as "Frog Hunt." And then I read it again and giggled because it says "Craw Cunt."

I believe titling your comic book "Croc Hunt" is far worse than drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles! Who will be fired for this outrageous use of sneaky-minded rules breaking?! Also, why is Bane wrestling a green Venom?

Last issue, the cover told me the Talon would rise. But not one Talon rose of its own volition. A bunch of them sort of dangled from the claws of Man-bats stealing their frozen bodies from Blackgate. So I suppose they "rose" up into the sky. Not exactly the excitement I was expecting by the cover. It's a good thing I understand comic book covers and the outrageous lies they tell every single month and wasn't at all disappointed. I was actually quite pleased because I'm sick to death of fucking Talons and hope they all get killed off in this comic book. I'm hoping that Arkham War was conceived mainly to end the problem of having all of these super dangerous immortal zombie assassins waiting to be unfrozen. Batman couldn't kill them. But the Arkham Crazy Time Players can!

Also, the besterest Interim Blackgate Warden ever to grace the pages of a DC Comic Book, Agatha Greeklastnameopolis, was rescued from the prison by James Gordon, hero! She's my favorite character after all the other characters I've listed as my favorite. I think she ranks somewhere between 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Alysia Yeoh.

CROC HUNT!

Whoa! Calm down, fucker! Think about what you're doing for a second!

Everyone understands that Bane is a problem, Mad Hatter. But he's just one problem. One problem that you can understand because you can see what his goals and his motivations are. Is it really a good idea to let loose seven Talons on Gotham in the hopes that you can somehow control them and get them to kill Bane? This feels like setting the house on fire just to take care of a squirrel in the attic. Maybe a better analogy is letting seven raving maniacal murderers free in your house to tidy up a bit.

I just don't see anything good happening from this plan.

Crane and Langstrom were captured by Bane at the end of last issue but they've been rescued by Killer Croc at the beginning of this issue. That was all part of the plan! And for his part in kidnapping the Talons, Johnny Crane rewards Croc with Wayne Tower. I don't know how Scarecrow negotiated that great piece of Gotham Realty when Penguin divvied everything up. He must know some pretty juicy secrets that The Penguin doesn't want to get out.

Meanwhile Bane makes good on his deal with The Penguin.

Emperor Blackgate? More like Emperor Bit Off More Than He Could Chew...umm...gate!

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites don't fear him and that they're all saying, "He's no Batman." But then, those crazy assholes don't fear Batman either, do they? If they really did fear Batman, they wouldn't keep coming back to Gotham to commit their crime sprees, would they? Unless none of them really see the difference between fear and love? Because they all seem to have some kind of a warm spot in their crotch region for Bat-Abuse.

Whatever their feelings toward Batman, Bane decides it's time to use it to his advantage.

So when does DC release the Cosplaying Bane Action Figure?

Bane's first act as Batbane is to throw Killer Croc from the roof of Wayne Tower. That's a pretty fucked up first move. Poor Killer Croc. He was completely set up by The Scarecrow. Killer Croc was nice and safe and cozy underground until The Scarecrow lured him into Wayne Tower and convinced him he should set up shop above ground. That only left Croc exposed to Bane while the others took to Croc's sewers to set up shop with their Talons. With everybody using everybody else in this War, I'm beginning to suspect the Talons are going to win once they're revived. The Talons may not even need to be revived with all the back stabbing going on!

Arkham War #3 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Warden Agatha wasn't in this issue. I guess there are just so many characters that can be spotlighted in any one issue of this thing. Arkham War shouldn't have been released as a comic book. It should be a Board Game! Or Video Game for those of us that don't have any friends.

Arkham War #2

My apartment is literally like Gotham City except instead of Talons, I'm overrun with Oreo crumbs.

Literally just last issue, Gotham was having a bad night. There are literally only two kinds of nights in Gotham: A Bad Night and A Bat Night. And when you're having a discussion about whether it's safe to go out or not, people literally never know what anybody else is saying because the two words are literally indistinguishable from each other to normal ears. But since Batman is literally dead right now, everybody knows what everybody else is currently saying.

So what's going on with Man-Bat? Is he literally crazy now? Flava Flav was right. A woman can literally make a man lose his mind.

Man-bat was literally given the rooftops to govern. Unless I'm just literally assuming that since it's kind of hard to tell. Langstrom doesn't think he's literally crazy. He's just a scientist trying to form a government with a local militia to protect and defend the section of Gotham he was given to rule from a penguin with no authority to parcel out tracts of Gotham. But that's what literally happened anyway! And Bane doesn't fucking like it one bit! BANE SMASH!

Is Bane literally a Latino version of The Hulk?

You can't know how much I literally hate myself right now. But I'm literally going to keep it up until the end of this fucking commentary.

Currently, Brute and a sqaudron of non-venomized Bane soldiers are literally attacking Man-Bat's turf. I literally forgot that I liked Brute from the Talon comic book because he reminded me of that overly patriotic Firestorm enemy back when DC was still, literally, publishing a Slash Fanfic version of Firestorm. No, seriously. I mean, literally. Go read the trades of The Fury of Firestorm, The Nuclear Men, and tell me different.

Too bad Brute literally winds up with a cell phone tower through his chest at the end of the fight. But it has been lodged in the non-heart side of the chest cavity, so he may not be literally dead. Perchance he is only dreaming or some shit.

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce in literally the most disgusting ice cream truck ever.

Gordon and Pierce are heading to Blackgate Prison to breakout Warden Agatha, literally my favorite interim warden character ever. I like her way more than anybody else does which is why I'm declaring how much I like her right here so if she ever becomes super popular, I can claim to be literally the first person to ever adore the fuck out of her.

The Penguin literally meets with Bane to discuss how The Penguin can best survive Bane's invasion. The Penguin promises to literally feed Bane information in exchange for Emperor Blackgate. If I were one of the Arkham inmates trying to rule a piece of Gotham, I think I'd opt for a nearby suburb or small town just outside the Gotham City limits. I'd literally set up shop in a cul de sac named after a type of tree and close down the public pool for myself so I could swim in something other than a literal ocean of pee.

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites are currently invading Blackgate prison to take over the Talon Sublevel since it's literally the only working power generator on the East Coast. And also because it's full of immortal monsters that Bane probably shouldn't get his hands on because that would literally suck dick. After his meet with Bane, The Penguin walks over to get a Ham Banana Split Sandwich and tells Gordon that he's got a pretty decent chance of rescuing his people from Blackgate during the ensuing confusion. The Penguin probably makes some kind of deal with Gordon or something as well. Possibly a deal to literally gain immunity from conviction by playing undercover cop for Gordon since Oswald knows this will all, eventually, go literally tits up.

Gordon and Pierce literally save the day. Actually, they literally save the one-eyed interim warden named Agatha Zorbatos but day would literally metaphorically be night without her in it.

Scarecrow's plan is to literally fly the Talons out from under Bane's nose via Air Man-Bat. Bane interrupts the proceedings but he's literally too late to stop most of his Talons from being flown off to Mr. Freeze's laboratory. Bane does manage to secure one Talon for himself as he captures Scarecrow and Kirk Langstrom. Bane also notices Gordon and Agatha and Pierce running from the prison, so he delivers Agatha's assistant Donald to them for literally his own reasons since, you know, nobody is forcing his hand and I have no idea why he does it. One thing I do know, the cover shouldn't be taken literally because not one fucking Talon rises at all!

Arkham War #2 Rating: No change. Fuck everybody who overuses the word "literally" because this is literally what our fucking world now sounds like. Literally shut the fuck up already. I need to literally take a fucking shower now. Interpret that how you see fit!

Arkham War #1

My guess is The Mad Hatter is picked last. Even after Mr. Combustible with the light bulb head.

My picks (and reasons) for my army from the characters on the cover (excluding Bane since he's the other captain!):

Deadshot. He's good at killing and, aside from a minor death wish, not insane.
Poison Ivy. With her on the team, you'd have control of every battlefield. Also less insane than the others.
Ferdie. I think even insane people are unmanned by a ventriloquist's puppet running around drilling out people's eyes. I'd only pick Shauna the Ventriloquist as well if I had to pick them together. She's fucking nuts!
Scarecrow. He's going to cause fear and chaos no matter what, so I might as well pretend that he's working toward my ends. I'd have Deadshot ready to pull the trigger on him at the first sign of him turning on his own.
The Prankster. It's modern warfare! You definitely need a techie on your team.
Man-bat. Even though I can't stand him, I'll need an air force. I'd only take the more psychotic Woman-bat to maintain air superiority.
The White Rabbit. If I need anything scouted that can't be seen by air, she'd be the best of this bunch. Not a whole lot of real super powers in this bunch, so I think she'd be uncatchable. Although she'd probably turn on me.
Killer Croc. I'd need some muscle to go against Bane's venom crazed Blackgate crew. Croc is more reliable than what we've seen lately from Clayface.
Mr. Freeze. Simply for his technology. His brand of insanity probably wouldn't really hamper the war effort either.
Talon. I suppose having an undying death dealer would be good to have. Although I might need The Court of Owls to keep him under control. And who wants them in the war room? They won't try to win the war. They'll drive it toward a stalemate! Jerks.

I think everyone else is too crazy or useless for my tastes. Who needs The Riddler leaving clues to each of your offensives? The Penguin and Emperor Blackgate are going to be more concerned with wresting control from me. The Joker's Daughter is written by Nocenti so I'm not going to want to hear her awkward, stilted dialogue. Two-Face won't take orders from anybody but his coin. The Mad Hatter has a bit of a low self-esteem problem and I think he'd resent being an underling. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are idiotic characters. Having a serial killer amongst the troops is sure to bring down morale, so Zsasz is out. Dollmaker is out for pretty much the same reason. The others I either don't recognize or I just don't know enough about, like Black Mask or Professor Pyg or The Reaper.

I'm almost certain my entire army would be wiped out almost immediately by Bane's thousands of venomized prisoners out of Blackgate along with The White Rabbit already working for him and telling Bane all of my movements. Why did I pick her?!

Anyway, Bane wants Gotham. Gotham has currently been parceled out amongst the nutcases of Arkham by The Penguin. That means Turf War! Let's go!

Bane's first stop was Blackgate to pick up more soldiers. Gee, I hope Warden Agatha is okay!

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce (who just made detective last year, so I don't think I should be familiar with her. I also don't know if she's an old Preboot character either) watch the chaos from the rooftop of Police Headquarters without bothering to turn on the Bat Signal. It'd probably just seem like a mockery at this point since they've lost all hope that Batman or the other Justice League members are alive. They know Bane has taken Blackgate and he's got a small army invading from the sea. And Gotham is no longer in GCPD's control because the inmates are running the outside of the asylum. Gotham is pretty much down for the count.

You know things are bad when the title of the comic is a pun on a horrible moment in history! Why not name this "The Hollow Cost" or "The Trail of Fears"? Maybe those will be the titles of future issues!

I can tell I'm really getting into a comic book when I already want to scan my third image and I'm only on page five. I suppose scanning the title doesn't really count. But page five takes place in Gotham Memorial Hospital, so I'm already a little bit creeped out. If you want to tap into my ancestral instinct for scary places, empty hospitals usually do the trick. Which sucks for me because it's a trope that's constantly being used! Also, I don't know why my ancestors were so scared of empty hospitals that it seeped into our DNA and now I'm paying the price. But since I'm rational and science-minded, I have to believe there is a logical explanation for the thing I just made up.

Another ancestral fear: small people that all look the same. Although if they dance and sing morality tales, it mostly mitigates the fear. It's still creepy though.

Professor Pyg has been given the section of Gotham with the hospital and I'm glad he's the first psychotic to be highlighted since I know little about him. He has just finished a major transplant on a professional violinist and he's just chasing him down to examine the surgery and make sure the violinist's body isn't rejecting the donor foot.

Seems okay! I don't think he'll be very good at violin anymore. But I do sense a huge soccer contract coming his way!

The Scarecrow drops by as part of his journey across Gotham to warn everybody that the Banecoats are coming. But Professor Pyg isn't buying it. He's got the injured to heal and the sick to kill.

Pyg's hospital looks like any Grand Theft Auto game ten minutes into playing.

At this point, I'm more interested in Scarecrow's encounters with all of Gotham's insane residents than I am interested in the big war that's going to take place! It's got a nice Alice in Wonderland feel going. But pretty soon somebody is going to get punched in the face and that never happened in Wonderland. Decapitations galore. But no face punchings.

Ha! Speaking of Wonderland. But then, Gotham has always been fixated on the works of Carroll.

So what are all the normal citizens of Gotham doing during this time? Do they all have "When Gotham Falls Apart" bunkers to hide away inside? You'd definitely get your moneys worth out of one of those things. Although the money would probably be better used renting a U-haul and getting the fuck out of that city.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Prison, Bane has killed or recruited all of the inmates. Now it's time for him to fall in love with Agatha!

I sense some John McClane Die Hard shit about to go down in this prison!

The Warden doesn't give up secrets and shit because she has a fucking eye-patch. So one of the top security guards points the way to a sealed wing of the basement that houses unknown weapons. Bane breaks in and finds a half-dozen Talons in cold storage. Don't do it, Bane! Don't start another Night of the Owls crossover! Please! Although this might actually be good. It'll be a way for Tomasi to deal with all of these dangerous zombie assassins that even Batman doesn't know what to do with. They can all be killed in the Arkham War by Mr. Freeze or maybe the Gotham Butcher will feel upstaged and eat most of them.

Meanwhile the Scarecrow holds a meeting with the new Mayor Cobblepot about the impending threat looming on their Neighborhood Collective. Oswald tells Jonathan to buck the fuck up and fight for what's his. I also notice that, not having a hair cut in about nine months, I've got The Penguin's hair and hairline. Maybe if I gained forty pounds, lost about ten inches of height, and shaved off the sideburns, I could go as The Penguin for Halloween! Gaining the weight would be nice because I could blame it on the costume! But I'm not sure how to lose the height. Jump off the roof a few times?

The Penguin's plan to help the city is to destroy the bridges so that the Arkham Residential Leaders can't flee and must fight to protect their new real estate. Bane's plan to help the city is to maim Professor Pyg and the rest of the loonies. For some reason, he just has to have Gotham. I suppose that's motive enough for his attack on the city. But what's the underlying reason for the conquest? Why does he need to be the sole authority? Why Gotham? What happens once he takes control? Does he just kill, maim, and burn through all the resources until he's the sole authority of a burning pile of rubble and corpses? I don't believe he actually knows what he's going to do. This is just a super powered tantrum. His sole motive is to win or knock the playing board and pieces from the table so that nobody else can.

Arkham War #1 Rating: Villains Month may have delivered quite a few misses but I'm enjoying Forever Evil and I'm enjoying this more! I don't need super dark comics with lots of angst-ridden fisticuffs. Dark humor with the Arkham Asylum inmates though? Oh yes. Definitely yes. Peter Tomasi really knows how to write to the characters instead of just sticking cyphers in costumes and forcing them into exciting plots. The Scarecrow makes sense. Bane makes sense. The Penguin makes fucking sense! At times I feel like I can't entirely explain why a certain comic book series isn't working for me. Sure, I can attack the writer's mother's womb for the horrible disaster it brought forth into the world but sometimes I just can't place my finger on why the writer is such a disaster. Seeing how well Tomasi sculpts a script and story to the characters, now I can see precisely why Ann Nocenti is so horrible with Catwoman. It's because she doesn't know the character and, judging by interviews I've read from her about Green Arrow and Catwoman, she doesn't seem to care that she doesn't know the character! She thinks boiling historical characters down to a couple of bullet points means understanding the character. And she claims to over-research her subjects. Well, that I believe by all the bullshit lingo she adds to any story, half of which she uses incorrectly. But I don't believe she over-researches the characters she writes. But I kind of get that, as well. She wants to bring her own unique spin to the character and not be influenced by past writers. I get it. But I don't agree with it. Not in the comic book format where the characters aren't their costumes! They are an amalgamation of all that written history. You can't just fucking ignore that and then get excited when you decide to give Catwoman a cat. As if she's never had a cat before!