Justice League of America #7

Terrorstrike is a near perfect name for a guy whose super power is teleporting into anal.

Once again, DC Comics screws up by not putting Lobo on the cover. I will admit that there are probably some Killer Frost fans, and there are probably some Ryan Choi fans (mostly because Gail Simone and Grant Morrison created him to be the biggest and yet tiniest sex pervert in history (unless I read his debut story wrong (I don't think I did. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, after all))). But if you put them all on one side of a scale (it would have to be a really big scale but not for those fans. The scale would have to be big for the next part of this statement. Hold your horses!) and put all of the Lobo fans on the other side of the scale (see? That's why you need such a large scale! I told you it was coming!), the world would end because that comparison is practically like dividing zero by infinity. So good job, asshole. Maybe don't try that thought experiment for real next time.

This issue begins with Batman showing Xeno his penis. He's all, "You see the size of this penis? It's a big fucking penis, right? I bet yours is microscopic compared to this penis." Xenos asks, "Why are you showing me your penis?" Batman smirks and says, "A penis this size? It means you listen to the person it's attached to." Xeno pulls out his penis and it's just as big. "Looks like we're both in charge, buddy!" he laughs. Meanwhile Ray masturbates furiously in the shadows.

The Atom and Killer Frost take a field trip to the Museum of Unnatural History. It's in Manhattan and it's full of unnatural things like sex between two men and uncircumcised penises. That was a joke for my conservative and religious followers. Sometimes they like to laugh too! I know that seems outrageous judging by how none of them seem to be amused by anything whimsical but I suspect everybody likes to laugh. I sometimes think the real anger filling conservatives is that they don't have anybody funny on their side. Mike Huckabee wants to be that guy but the only jokes they know how to make are ones that feature the word "libtard." It's tough when they can't laugh at being caught in the shower by their grandmother with a dildo halfway up their butthole. That's a moment where their life is completely ruined. Whereas if you're on the left, you now have a funny story to tell all of your friends! It's so much more fun being liberal. I really pity those other humorless assholes. I mean, if you found a joke about two men having sex being unnatural funny, you're not actually laughing at a joke. There's no joke there! The joke isn't, "Oh yeah! That's funny because God would kill the fuck out of them for that! So unnatural!" The joke is that some people think that two men having sex can somehow be unnatural! It's not like my dick was made by Big Oil. I was born with it! If I choose to stick it in the asshole of a man who was also born with that asshole, it couldn't be more natural. Now if I fucked a robot's asshole, that would be unnatural and disgusting.

This paragraph is even less about the comic book then the last few paragraphs, so you busy people who don't have time for sidebar bullshit can skip it. Anyway, my Twitter feed is currently suggesting I follow these people: Sue Perkins, Alan Carr, and Romesh Ranganathan. I'm not sure why I don't currently follow them anyway! For once, Twitter, you've actually been helpful with your intrusive bullshit. You're like a little kid constantly vying for attention while I'm busy trying to feed a starving puppy. If you're wondering what the starving puppy was doing in that metaphor, it was representative of my sensitive ego.

I did have to click back to Twitter to make sure I spelled Romesh's last name right but I think I'll remember it forever now. It only uses one vowel! How hard is that to remember?

After I followed them, Twitter was all, "Oh? You like those guys? How about Paul Hollywood?" Oy. Go fuck yourself, Twitter. I'm sorry I ever engaged you.

Anyway, Killer Frost and The Atom are looking for a cure for her body's inability to regulate its temperature. I mean a different cure than lying on a rock in a sun like a lizard.

I don't get it. Why doesn't Killer Frost just get into a lesbian relationship with Fire? Problem fucking solved!

Three pages in and so far Terrorstrike's penis has not teleported itself into anybody's anal cavity. I bet this cover was one of those lying covers that never show the actual truth of the story!

Terrorstrike does arrive but not by anal teleportation (I fucking knew it was too good to be true!). Instead he just walks up to the entrance of the Unnatural History Museum, explains that he wants to see the Jackalope, exposes the cat on his shoulder hidden beneath his hoodie, and murders the guards. No wait! He refrains from murder because he needs to explain his origin story and then his motive for being in this comic book. The guards area all, "Um, hey, dude? Could you back off? Nobody cares about aliens ejaculating into your central nervous system as much as you think they should. It's probably why your wife and son can't stand you." If I were one of the guards, I'd probably just let him see the jackalope. But then I'm a terrible employee who never feels loyalty to my employer simply because they're paying me to expend precious moments of my finite life doing things they want me to do.

The cover lied in another way: this guy's name is Terrorsmith. That's worse than Terrorstrike! No wonder nobody notices or respects him! You don't stick the most boring last name in the English language onto a fear invoking concept if you want to demand respect. Terrorstrike could work. Terrorsmith just means a lot of people are going to respond, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Smith. But I'm kind of busy here."

I suppose if Bloodlines had been more interesting, I would remember more about Terrorsmith. I think I do have his appearance in Showcase '94 but I probably haven't read it since, um, you know...1994.

Terrorsmith turns the guards into monsters. Get it? He creates terrors! Although can you really call two monsters attacking a museum terrors? It's not like they have brown skin and yelled "Allahu akbar!" That was another joke for my conservative readers! Of course, the real joke is that conservatives and the media seems to only think that terrorism is terrorism if the attackers are Muslim. If terrorism is committed by a black guy, it's gang violence. If it's a white guy, it's mental illness or loner who has no fucking connection with other white guys just because he's white and stop being ridiculous because guns are good and shut up. See how jokes work, Internet Scolds? It might seem like I'm saying, "Hey! Muslims are terrorists who are worse than Terrorsmith's monsters!" But what I'm actually saying is, "Hey! Why the fuck do people continue to only use the term 'terrorism' when Muslim attackers are involved? Seems like an agenda there, no?"

I love when people use vulgar in the way most people don't read the word vulgar. Also I love Lobo.

Lobo is busy beating up another alien in a casino somewhere while Black Canary shrugs and sighs and looks askance at the camera as the end credits roll.

Terrorsmith has a whole cadre of monster cats that follow him around. Did I use cadre correctly? Sometimes I wish I had an editor because Googling takes too long. It's easier to just ignore an editor when they say, "You can't say so many offensive things!" But they also know all the words I don't know. So sometimes they're useful.

During the battle with Terrorsmith's monsters, The Atom crashes into an Unnatural History display of Dr. Sivana's fossilized time pills. Oh, that's convenient! I mean, I don't know how it's convenient but I'm pretty sure it will wind up being convenient. I wish he'd crashed into the display just to the right where they keep Dr. Sivana's time suppositories.

Killer Frost moves in to stop Terrorsmith alone. That's because he can't turn her into a monster since she already thinks of herself as a monster. That's like that time that woman touched me and tried to turn me into a God and I didn't change because I'm an atheist and apparently we all believe we're God. Or something. I don't really understand Christians who think they're smart instead of dull when they say that. How does not believing in gods suddenly turn into believing that I'm my own god? I just said I don't believe in God but I do believe in myself! If I thought I was my own God, that would be a paradox, dum-dum!

If the idea that atheists think they're their own God comes down to the fact that they believe they're in control of their lives and their decisions then Christians think they're their own God as well. They make decisions all the time whether or not they point to the sky and wink sexily at God for the help. They especially make their own decisions when they decide that there are certain ideas in The Bible or aspects of church dogma that they can live without acknowledging.

Anyway, I only like to associate with people who can determine right from wrong without somebody else having to explain it to them. I'm fairly certain a good percentage of religious people who believe the only way somebody can know right from wrong is through religion are sociopaths. Because I've never been taught religion but I was raised in a house constantly full of cats and learned a good deal about love and empathy which stand in as pretty good markers for determining whether an action is right or wrong. Sure some actions are ambiguous. And some are judgment neutral, like masturbation. If you don't think masturbation is a right/wrong neutral action, you've probably been told how to feel about it. How can you tell if making and eating a sandwich is right or wrong? I guess it depends on what's in the sandwich and what religion's list of acceptable food products you go by. It's so much easier being an atheist! Nobody ever tells me my peanut butter and semen sandwich will send me to Hell. No wait. Everybody does. That was a poor example.

The Atom never gets to use his time pills because Frost's plan of threatening Terrorsmith with an agonizing death works to get him to change the guards back. Killer Frost is all, "Terrorsmith couldn't hurt me because I already see myself as a monster!" And The Atom is all, "But my penis doesn't think that! I mean my brain! I'm not trying to save you simply because I want to have sex with you! I mean, I want to have sex with you, I do! But I don't want my dick to freeze off when we do it. So I sort of have to save you! But I'd also want to save you if you were a man too! But then I wouldn't want to have sex with you! So you can see how I probably should have shut up and never opened my mouth at all and just went about trying to help you because you're my friend. I mean, we can be more than friends if you want, of course. You know? To do the sex!"

Don't worry, Frost. He's a guy. He's totally interested. I mean, he'd wrap a jellyfish around his dick if somebody said it felt as good as fucking.

Terrorsmith winds up in Belle Reve where maybe — just maybe! — he'll become fodder for the Suicide Squad. I know they generally don't like working with villains who aren't super popular these days. But at some point, they're going to need to kill somebody or the name is going to lose all meaning (if it hasn't fucking already). There's probably a generation of youths who can't figure out why the fuck the comic is called Suicide Squad.

Youth: "So they, like, all want to die or something?"
Elder: "No, no! It's just the missions are so dangerous that it's practically suicide to go on them!"
Youth: "Wait. The missions are dangerous? Since when?!"
Elder: "Well, I mean, that's the premise."
Youth: "You're shitting me, right?"
Elder: "Don't swear. And stop smoking in front of me. And stop having sex outside of marriage!"
Youth: "Well why don't you stop being racist and homophobic?!"
Elder: "Touché, young one! Touché! You have taught me this day!"

This issue did not have enough Lobo for my $2.99.

Justice League of America #5

Lobo!

Some people might be able to come up with one or two convincing arguments as to why this book is worth reading but the only one I can come up with (and the only one you need) is that Lobo is in it. And not that fucking piece of shit Twat Lobo that Cullen Bunn disgraced himself writing. That was the worst garbage I've ever read on a printed page and I've read at least one page of Twilight and most of The Bible¹. Twat Lobo was Lobo if you took away everything that made Lobo interesting and replaced it with something really fucking stupid and then said, "There we go. That's Lobo! The dumb idiots who love Lobo won't know the difference! Boy, people who liked Lobo truly were dumb, weren't they? I bet they don't even notice! Just think of all the fucking morons who will actually prefer this version! Ha ha! Jerks!" Twat Lobo was some asshole at DC Comics thinking, "Lobo should still be a genocidal maniac but one that has a better back story than that he just wanted to be unique. He needs to be some kind of prophetic figure! He needs to be a sympathetic figure caught up in the forces of destiny out of his control! Oh, and what Millennial is going to fall for his heavy metal biker attitude? That went out of style before Lobo was even popular! But they'll love him as a total twat!"

People who liked Twat Lobo are beneath Trump Supporters on my list of people I would never have breakfast with. And I love breakfast!

Here's me at the height of my love for Lobo twenty-four (HOLY SHIT. TWENTY FOUR?!) years ago:

Notice the shirt? Lobo! Notice the eyes? LSD!

This issue begins in Penn City where somebody dropped a Buddhist Love Bomb in a garbage can. At least that's what I think is in the garbage can based on the first three panels. The bomb is the head of some poor bastard with a grenade strapped in his mouth in the way that your lover straps a ball gag in your mouth before your lover pegs the fuck out of you. Also strapped to the bomb's head is a lotus flower. That's why I'm guessing it's a Buddhist Love Bomb. I just now typed "Lotus Flower" into Google to see if I maybe shouldn't just be saying "Lotus" and Google's predictive text added "bomb" to the end of it. Holy shit, is that a real thing?! No, no. It looks like it's a rap song by Wale featuring Miguel. Remember that bit about how old I am? Yeah, never heard of that song.

Later, the Justice League of America has decided to give a press conference to basically say they're better than the Justice League and more in touch with the common people and probably way more patriotic in that they have "America" in their name, in case you missed that part. Batman does not attend because he's a public relations nightmare. He would probably just tell all of the reporters that their questions were stupid. Oh! Is Batman's secret identity Sean Spicer?!

Vixen tells everybody that the JLA used to call their base the "Secret Sanctuary" but that that seemed way too pedophiliac for their liking. Plus, if a reporter heard that before they had claimed it at this press conference, it probably would have cast suspicion on their organization. So instead, they're opening up the front half of the mountain to the public and calling it Mount Justice! People should feel free to come by to file complaints and drink some free coffee and possibly be seduced by Lobo.

Duh, Lana Lang! That's practically the definition of America! Although Vixen left out the "according to our own interests and with complete disregard to the will of the populace of the country we're sticking our noses into" part.

Ben Rubel, Supergirl's rival and future fuck interest, points out that according to the rumor mill, Lobo has taken "countless" lives, so why is that maniac on the team? Most of the other reporters have previously hit puberty, so they already know the answer to that question. It's easy to forgive somebody for genocide when you want to fuck their alien brains out. Vixen says Lobo will save one life for every one he's ever taken. That's impossible! I bet even if he single-handedly saves every life on Earth from some massive comet or alien invasion, he still won't be close to saving a life for every one he's killed! Hopefully he can save the same life multiple times and it will still count.

Olivia Ortega, some reporter from Gotham who isn't Vicki Vale for some reason, asks why Batman isn't at the press conference. Vixen says Batman stands by whatever she says instead of saying, "We're in Rhode Island, honey. Gotham is not in Rhode Island. Duh." I think I'd be as bad as Batman at press conferences.

Oh ho! What a clever retort, The Ray!

I guess Frances Rock is Frank Rock's granddaughter. I bet her high school clique was called "Easy Company." Sex joke!

Nikos Aegeus (otherwise known as simply Aegeus) got his start in terrorism when he met a blind and crippled Bellerophon² who gave him the means to tame Pegasus and a quiver of Zeus's thunderbolts. Now he sells weapons created from folklore! That sounds exciting! Plus, it shows he respects rap music enough to realize it's impact on folklore and culture. Unless he thought up the Lotus Flower Bomb due to some other story from The Bible that I don't remember. I mean, it could be from somewhere else but like I said earlier (or later since it's in a footnote), The Bible has all the stories in it.

Aegeus is currently attempting to sell a bunch of wacky weapons to The Whispers gang from Gotham. And since it's still dark, I'm guessing it's not yet tomorrow (which is the only day Ray pointed out everybody doesn't work under Aegeus's terrorist threat. I suppose the day after tomorrow, they'll get back to it).

Oh, so Batman can maim but Lobo³ isn't allowed? What a fucking bat-jerk.

I guess the plan is for Lobo to beat up all of Aegeus's men (carefully, so as not to maim them, of course! Lobo is totally known for being careful!) while the rest of the team have coffee and cakes? That sounds good to me! More Lobo! Less all the other dimwits!

Lobo accuses Batman of being a dick and Batman is all, "I don't have to explain myself to you!" So Lobo is all, "Cool, cool." Then he flips Bats off British Style and walks off to do his job. I hope he kills a few people every job and hides them before Batman can see and Batman, thinking Lobo's "honor" keeps him from doing all sorts of stuff Batman never actually specified in the beginning of the deal, lives in enough of a state of denial to keep from noticing. But then it'll come out that everywhere the Justice League of America has been, bodies begin turning up buried all around the places they battled! Then Superman will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Alfred will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Vixen will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And the government will be all, "You are an accessory to these murders and are sentenced to life in prison!"

Lobo beats up some bulldozers and then breaks into the Mayor's Office where Aegeus and his men are holed up.

Uh oh! I think that constitutes maiming!

Lobo is suspicious of Batman's reasons for bringing him on the team. My guess is that he's the team hit-eater. You send him in first when you're unsure of the weaponry of the enemy and then figure out a plan based on how badly Lobo's body has been damaged by the attack.

Lobo greets Aegeus with a great line I'm not bothering to scan. Lobo's met with a spear to the chest which drops him to his knees because it's covered in a poison that halts regeneration. Oh no! Is that all it's taken, all this time, to kill Lobo?! Seems like a bit of a cheat. Like how almost everything nowadays is immune to Green Lantern Light. It's always about negating the thing that's too powerful instead of coming up with an imaginative way to make the too powerful thing interesting in terms of story. Although, really, this is kind of clever because Aegeus is using ancient weapons from folklore and, apparently, this poison was used by Heracles.

While Lobo and The Atom (he was hiding in Lobo's underwear) deal with Aegeus, the rest of the Justice League of America chastise the residents of Penn City. They also give them some hope that they'll drive the main employer out of town and then Batman will cut them all checks so they stop acting like criminals. Or maybe Wayne Industries will just set up a weapons manufacturing plant in the city himself since the citizens all of experience crafting weapons now. And Batman doesn't mind weapons being created as long as, like America, he's in control of them.

Lobo gets blasted out of the Mayor's Office and into the park next to the Justice League of America where he reports that he failed and is probably dying. Then he points out that Aegeus's army hasn't been destroyed and they're right behind them flying in on a battalion of chimeras. I guess next issue, everybody will be killed by chimeras.

The Ranking!
I know Lobo won't die. But I'm just going to point out that if he did happen to die, or he just happened to be removed from the team, or if he in any way stops appearing in this comic book, it will no longer be the best comic book that DC currently publishes. It will, in fact, be the worst one because I will punish it more harshly than I'd punish a comic book written and drawn by Rob Liefeld with a back-up story by Ann Nocenti.
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¹Okay, that was a cheap shot. The Bible actually has some quite beautiful poetry in it. It's just that the people who believe it's more than it is that make me want to shit all over it. Plus, everybody who is interested in Western Literature needs to fucking read The Bible. If you don't know The Bible and you think you understand every book you read or every movie you watch, you need to think again. You're almost certainly missing several themes and allusions and references to biblical stories. Hell, you even need to know The Bible to understand Bugs Bunny's biggest contribution to insulting asshats.
²I highly recommend John Barth's Chimera as well as pretty much anything written by John Barth. Although some of his books seem a bit too much like work so you might want to start with his shorter stuff which will get you intrigued enough to slog through the really long shit. Although I'm not sure if Giles Goat-Boy was really worth the effort I expended on it. Although I did masturbate a few times to the scene with the summer dress. Woo boy! Good stuff! I wonder if I should attempt to read The Sot-Weed Factor again or just reread The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor?
³What's up with Lobo's hair? He looks like Bon Jovi! This is getting perilously close to another version of Twat Lobo!

Justice League of America #4

In my memory, this is every cover of Justice League International.

The Review!
Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo? Lobo Lobo! Lobo, Lobo Lobo.

Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo, Lobo, Lobo, Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo.

Lobo!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo; Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. LOBO!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Black Canary's Tits Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo.

The Ranking!
+Lobo!

Justice League of America #3

Whatever the Greek word is for the cover of this comic book, I'm a that-phile.

Officially, I'm not complaining that Lobo is on Batman's Justice League of America. Batman has a history of keeping raging psychopaths on the team so he can keep an eye on them or maybe punch them once in the face causing enough brain damage to change their personality (Fun Fact: Batman's punch to Guy Gardner wasn't the first time Guy Gardner suffered brain damage! Why aren't people cutting him some slack for his grievous brain injury?!). Also, his team composition is supposed to represent America so Lobo obviously represents the uneducated, violent, xenophobic working class (but a working class that believes hard work and reputation are the most important qualities in a person¹!). But (remember: not officially complaining here!) it does seem odd that for a person whose got a rule set like Fight Club where the first few rules are all the same rule, and where those rules happen to be "No killing!", it seems a bit hypocritical to place Lobo on your team. Maybe hypocritical is the wrong word. Maybe I should say arrogant. Batman actually thinks he can keep Lobo in check simply because he manipulated Lobo's sense of honor to always finish a contract? Seriously, I don't think Lobo has to do everything Batman says just because Lobo casually said, "I owe you one for free." I don't think Lobo would allow Batman to make that "one" into "Work for me for an indefinite period while not killing anybody at all and you probably also shouldn't fuck any Earthlings without their consent and maybe also learn to use a plunger."

The best part about comic books is that they're so fucking ridiculous. That's why I'm not officially complaining. Technically, I'm never officially complaining about anything that happens in a plot or about anything a character does (no matter how out of character it might seem to me since who am I to think I know better²?). My only real complaints are how terrible a writer or artist does their job. And often I don't complain enough about that because I pretend that the problem lies within the story and complain about the story instead of just saying, "Cullen Bunn's writing can be described by the most horrific metaphor imaginable³!" So being that comic books are utterly ridiculous by nature, I don't care about the logic behind Lobo being on the Justice League of America. I'm just thrilled that he is!

Last issue, Lord Havok became the king of Kravia. Now he's threatening the neighboring country of Gardevia. Not explicitly, of course! He's just all, "I won't stand for your people acting in a way that I won't stand for! If you don't do something about it, somebody else will! Hint, hint!" Then he apparently hits on her.

I'm going to try this line at the Karaoke Bar next week!

The people of Kravia start brewing rebellion. It's a lot like making a melting pot except more violent and with less racial epithets. Also, the melting pot thing was actually pretty violent. It turned out a lot of people just wanted Eggs Benedict. Actually, the ingredients in Eggs Benedict are probably too melting potty itself! It just sounds so white!

So, um, anyway, the rebels (two people, so far!) are sitting around a bar discussing how they're going to oust Lord Havok when Batman and the Justice League of America stroll in and are all, "Is this where the revolution is brewing?! We're here to advance our own interests in the guise of helping!" It's too bad Lord Havok doesn't have a World's Greatest Detective on The Extremists or he could have sussed out the rebellion himself. Batman is so smart to know where to find these political hooligans!

Lobo's kneepad looks like an eighth member peering through the door. "Hello there! Mr. Skully-Stars here! I'm British!"

Apparently Lobo tracked Bogna to her hidden den of rebellion. He makes sure to point it out before uninformed morons like me start giving Batman all the credit. I'm sorry, Mr. Lobo! I don't know what I was thinking! Why am I still giving credit to Batman? It's obvious you manipulated him into forming this team so you can have a nice relaxing vacation on Earth. And as a good guy, maybe you'll get to date Wonder Woman too!

Dammit. Now I want a Lobo team up book in the style of The Brave and the Bold. But he only teams up with female heroes who have become sexually intrigued by him! I hope what I just typed in that last sentence doesn't mean he did something disgusting to their buttholes. By sexually intrigued, I just meant they were interested in finding out what he has to offer in the love bathroom. Hmm, that sounded even more like something disgusting just happened to somebody's butthole. I'm so turned on right now!

You know what two words I can't stand? Capital and capitol. Stop purposefully trying to be confusing⁴!

The rebellion's only request of the Justice League of America is to overthrow Havok and The Extremists. After that, they'll take care of the rest. I thought Bogna was going to be way too proud to ask the Justice League of America to do practically everything! The nerve!

While the rebellion foments, Lord Havok visits the neighboring countries to tell him all about his open palm slash fist metaphor. One of the countries he visits is Zandia and he's all, "This place sucks in this timeline. Get it together, Rebirth!" I don't recognize any of the other countries. That means they're probably real!

Remember how I just figured out last issue that The Extremists were parodies of Marvel heroes? I just remembered it myself! And that also means that the cover is even more exciting than I first thought! It's a rematch between Lobo and Wolverine (albeit a lousy parody Wolverine but I'm honoring the sentiment!). And this time the fight had better not take place off panel behind a bar! And also, Lobo had better win! What a stupid rip-off that last fight was. Nobody really believed Wolverine could beat Lobo. The vote was rigged! It was all politics! It was a popularity vote! If comic book fans had the ability to use logic and not just their nerd boners for certain characters, it would have been totally obvious to the Wolverine fans that the Lobo fans were being totally logical and scientific in voting for Lobo to win.

Gross. His world must stink. Also, how can you trace any scent when you can smell everything?! I'm surprised Tracer can speak or use a toilet since most of his brain must be used in sorting scents.

I hope Lobo wins the battle by farting directly into his face.

The only fight I want to read about now is the battle between Lobo and Tracer. All those flexing muscles! Maybe a bit of clothing torn off in just the right spots to see a little inner buttock or maybe the slight wrinkling of a scrotum! Nipples hard and quivering through the sweat of physical exertion! Their lips coming closer and closer as they threaten each other with outrageous tortures! Oh man. I'm so turned on right now!

Killer Frost and The Atom battle Death Bat (who just killed her teammate Brute who had been sent to kill her for being weak. Ha ha. Who's weak now, et tu Brute? Did that sound intelligent?). It's the worst battle because Death Bat does that thing where a comic book villain knows more than they should know so that they can use it against the heroes. So she happens to know that none of the team really trusts Killer Frost and tries to use that to make Killer Frost doubt herself. Instead, Killer Frost is all, "I've changed! And you can change too! I mean, people seem to accept a hero with the name Killer Frost. Death Bat probably won't go over too bad either!"

Black Canary fights Gorgon and judging by his tentacle hair, it's bound to be the sexiest fight of them all.

Hee hee. Eyes up. He's looking at her cleavage! Or, at the very least, I'm looking at her cleavage!

What's with female super heroes in cool boots refusing to lace them? Is that a form of martial arts I don't know about? Like drunken style? Tripping over your laces fu?

The Ray battles Dreamslayer although it's not much of a battle. It's more of a therapy session. Ray is all, "Why aren't you being as mean and violent as the rest?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Because I'm afraid of the monster that I might become!" And The Ray is all, "You're gay, right?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Kiss me!"

Okay, maybe that scene only happened in my Masturbationarium.

Wink, wink!

Batman, Vixen, and the Rebellion go after Lord Havok on the throne. When they break into the throne room to punch him in the face, he's all, "I've already won! I made diplomatic deals with the surrounding nations that were only based on about 95% threats! That means they'll stand behind me and not you! I mean...that's how it works, right? Wait. Did I miscalculate?" And he did miscalculate but not in the way he was thinking. He miscalculated by not killing Batman in the first issue and then by not keeping an eye on Batman ever since that moment and then by not realizing Batman had infiltrated his inner sanctum! Idiot.

Batman steals Havok's shield off of his back so he can stand there looking like Captain America. You know, just in case Steve Orlando had to sell this script to Marvel!

Oh, and Lobo's battle with Tracer lasted one panel where Lobo put out his cigar in Tracer's eye. That was almost as bad as the fight behind the bar and the hand reaching up for the cigar to indicate who won! Which could have been either Lobo or Wolverine, so it shows the scene was already written long before the votes were tallied! All it needed was the colorist to choose the correct palette!

The Ranking!
Obviously this is the best comic book DC is currently publishing. Obviously that is an objective assessment and not the rantings of a total Lobo fanboy.

_________________________________
¹As long as that person is white.
²I'm Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, dammit! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!
³I'll let you come up with the metaphor because I don't want a bunch of offended people trying to ruin my life. I mean, I can think up some really offensive metaphors! So bad! They're in their right now, dancing around inside my mind doing the most horrible things to each other. So terrible!
⁴Of course, just like every other confusing thing in English, it only takes a brief overview to clear up the confusion forever. So people who don't know when to use who and whom are just being purposefully ignorant! And I know purposefully ignorant!

Justice League of America #2

Vixen isn't struggling to get away from the chains so much as to get away from Lobo's boner.

Batman surrendered himself to Lord Havok at the end of last issue to save The Atom. I'm not sure what Batman's thought process was behind this decision. It's not like Lord Havok is going to go, "Oh! Cool! Hey, Extremists! Now that we have Batman, let's go back to our destroyed world. This totally worked out better than I expected!" I know what Batman's thought process definitely wasn't: "This will buy time until the real Justice League gets here!"

Am I the only one who wants to Photoshop Lord Havok's cock in Ryan's hands?

I had to put the comic book down to eat a bunch of pineapple chunks so to pass the time, I Googled pineapple on pizza memes. I don't care if people like pineapple on pizzas or if people don't like pineapple on pizzas. What I really hate is people acting righteously indignant while defending their personal preference. What is it about this battle that gets people so passionate? If somebody wants pineapple on their pizza, why should you give a fuck? Were you planning to try to mooch some slices, you dirtbag? I, for one, don't understand why anybody would put any kind of limit on what can go on a pizza. Stop trying to put limits on living, you fascists!

Okay! I'm done eating my pineapple and I'm hardly sticky at all!

Lord Havok agrees to let the Justice League of America live (not that Lobo was going to have any problem doing that no matter what happened) when Batman agrees to join The Extremists to help them save the world. But then an Extremist named Dr. Diehard flips the fuck out on Lord Havok. He's all, "Letting people live isn't extreme at all! This team sucks!" I bet Lord Havok teaches Dr. Diehard a little something about extreme measures (and also how apt Dr. Diehard's name is) on the next page! It would make sense to kill him since there are way too many characters to keep track of. Not that killing one will help clear up the panels much but at least it's a start. Also, Batman will have to rescind his offer to join when he realizes they kill.

I was wrong. This happened on the page after the next page. I wonder if anybody is going to make a joke about Dr. Diehard's name?

Based on the above panel, I think Lobo is ready to join The Extremists.

Are The Extremists supposed to be based on Marvel characters? Is Dr. Diehard Magneto? Is Lord Havok Dr. Doom? Is Gorgon Doctor Octopus?

After Diehard dies, The Extremists teleport to Kravikoras, the capital of Kravia. That's another one of those fake DC countries like Markovia and Qurac. It's where Lord Havok was born (but on his own Earth, of course -- Unneeded Clarification Tess!) and it's where Lord Havok intends to begin saving the world. I suppose saving the world means killing anybody who doesn't say, "Yes sir, Lord Havok, sir! Right away, sir!" Although he might as well just quit now that he let Batman know of his existence and then left Batman alive. That's always the big mistake the Villain of the Month makes. It's always "I would kill you but right now I need to wash my hair!" Just kill the hero, dum-dum! If villains would correct that one mistake and just kill the heroes when they have them up against the ropes in the first arc of every fucking story, the villains would be ruling the world right now! Never give the heroes a second act!

The women of the JLA stay behind in Saratoga to help clean up while the men go back to The Sanctuary to relax. I don't mean to suggest that The Ray is a woman because he's gay. I really just wanted to gloss over the fact that he stayed in Saratoga too so that I could advance my agenda to show that Steve Orlando is totally sexist. Maybe I can pretend Steve Orlando is suggesting that The Ray is a girl! Then I can advance my agenda to prove that Steve Orlando is homophobic too! There's nothing more satisfying than tearing down an ally with hot takes purposefully misconstruing a situation!

The Ray tracks The Extremists to Kravia so that they can continue their fight. At least this time, they won't be destroying an American city! Although, is it really okay for a team called Justice League of America to invade another country without proper visas and passports? They might be trying to save the world but is that enough reason to bypass bureaucracy?

That sounds like Guardian of the Universe talk!

That's Death Bat in the previous panel, by the way. Before the JLA can kick her ass, she's rescued by the Kravian military. Apparently they've arrived to shove that bureaucracy I mentioned down Batman's throat. The Extremists are now citizens of Kravia and under its protection. The JLA are kicked out of the country but at least they saved a bunch of refugees who refused to succumb to Lord Havok's rule. Now Lord Havok has his own country to rule where he sees himself as the only real hero of Earth. He's feeling more and more like Doctor Doom every page.

The neighboring country of Gardevia (See? It's like a garden! It's peaceful and powerless and weak!) don't want Batman's band of refugees. They've already heard about Lord Havok taking over the rule of Kravia and how he brought peace. It might be peace through authoritarian power and murder but it's still peace, right?! So they don't want any part of Batman's violent plans. But the Justice League of America just ignore the general and get busy making their own plans to help the people of Kravia win back their country.

Batman still doesn't call Superman.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic book is already the best comic book DC Comics sells. Although that's only because Real Deal Lobo is part of it. And he wasn't really in this issue too much. And the art wasn't too good either. I hate to point out that a comic book with Lobo in it isn't living up to Lobo's reputation so I won't say anything more.

Justice League of America #1

Lobo tries to catch Ryan so he can shove him in his urethra.

• Now that Batman has his own Justice League of B-list heroes (and Lobo!), he gets to make the rules. He was tired of Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Cyborg thinking his rules were just "suggestions." And no, I didn't forget to leave Aquaman off that list. Fuck Aquaman.

• Now that I've said "Fuck Aquaman" (again), I have to wonder if Aquaman wasn't the entire reason Batman moved on to form his own Justice League. As the leader of the Justice League of America, he gets to recruit the members which ensures that no useless, fishy heroes will embarrass and dilute the brand.

• This issue begins with Batman justifying his new League to Vixen. "The Justice League watches from above. That's not good enough anymore. The crime needs to be spotted from below! And at eye level! That means regular people! Common folk, like gays and blacks and women and migrants and super cool bad-ass alien assassins. I'm the only straight white American-born guy on this team so nobody will outshine me!" Vixen listens and channels whatever animal is best at side-eye. Probably a housecat, right?

Stop exaggerating for dramatic effect, Vixen! You know the only people causing problems on the team are Killer Frost and Lobo.

• If I take Vixen's statement literally, I have to assume that The Atom is a homophobe, Vixen is a Hong Konger hater, Killer Frost is racist, Black Canary hates men, and The Ray keeps rubbing his boner on Lobo. Fine, I don't have to assume all of that! But I'd like to.

• Batman is all, "People need to see heroes are human! That's why I created this team!" Then he scoots in front of Lobo and opens his cape wide so Vixen can't see him. "See? Humans!"

• While Batman and Vixen discuss the philosophy of the team, Black Canary and The Ray are rescuing people from a burning building in Vanity, Oregon.

Batman just got done discussing how these heroes are human and here's one of the most human of them jumping out of a second story window clutching two people in her arms. I guess her Canary Cry helps with landing safely?

• Lobo is off on his own rescuing dolphins from magma sea trolls because, as I pointed out in my last review, he loves dolphins. Technically, does this make him the Aquaman of the group? If so, Aquaman should just retire forever.

• Frost and Atom are busy fixing up The Sanctuary in Happy Harbor. They're working on something Ryan terribly named The Troubalert. Get it?!

• While all of that other shit is going on, the team's first main threat appears in Saratoga, New York. And this threat isn't just a bunch of chumps! They took down the Post-Crisis Justice League International! Although, to be fair, a bunch of chumps probably could have taken down the Post-Crisis Justice League International.

The Extremists!

• Lord Havok announces that he and his crew have come to save Earth before it burns like his Earth. Some police immediately pull up, profile them as super-villains, and pull their guns. What kind of a welcome is that? Peace officers, my ass!

• After reading a couple more pages, I should probably apologize to the police officers and my ass. The Extremists idea of "saving the world" seems to be that one where they destroy everything and kill everybody before they can do it to themselves. It's not the greatest interpretation of the definition of the word "save," but at least it makes for an exciting comic book.

Lord Havok isn't saying anything I haven't already said in this blog. It's just that I don't burn down a city every time I publish another blog post.

• Lord Havok and I differ on our reactions to the reality that civilization is constantly just one step away from chaos. He sees it through the eyes of fear, the way a lot of American citizens see it. Too much freedom leads to too many possible chances for bad people to do violent things. I see it through the eyes of a cheerful optimist who thinks, "I could stab my neighbor in the face any time I want but I don't. And even more likely, he won't do it to me. I can live with this agreement."

• The Extremists have decided the only way to save Earth is to rule it themselves. That sounds like maybe they're not really too concerned about the Earth and maybe just a teensy bit more concerned with power.

• Thankfully, the Justice League arrives so I can make a stupid joke!

Especially if they're metric!

• The big fight doesn't start after Vixen has her say. Batman has to mouth off first! He's all, "I'm the Batman!" No wait. He doesn't say that this time. I guess that's too cliché, especially when the bad guy directly asks, "Who are you?" After that, the big fight starts! There are so many different characters that it might last six issues.

• According to the big first panel splash of the battle, Lobo is going against Gorgon. That's the only fight I care about. Hopefully it doesn't take place behind a bar and then Lobo's hand appears to grab a cigar and to indicate who won.

• The fight ends abruptly just as Lord Havok is about to decapitate The Atom. Batman calls a halt to it and trades his life for Ryan's. Not that Batman gets decapitated at the end of this issue. That probably won't happen until the beginning of the next one.

The Ranking!
Plus a jizzillion! That's as many pluses as there are sperm in one spurt of semen. Maybe a few less because Lobo wasn't the focus of this issue. But he was still in it so this is still the best comic book your money can buy. Also, this was one of those issues where the name of the story appears on the last page and I'm glad it did. This story was called "The Extremists" and that would have spoiled the surprise for me when I turned the page to see Lord Havok and the gang standing there.

Justice League of America #7

Rating: +2 Ranking. The basic question being asked by this JLA story is "Is religion worth it?" Although it asks it safely by introducing a fictional Kryptonian religion into the equation so that it can safely proclaim that the religion is a lie without offending its audience. But the basic premise is that religion is a lie but is it a lie that's worth believing? How much is one willing to give up to be uplifted by their faith in a lie? Is denying oneself much of the experience of living to believe in something more, something that gives meaning, worth the sacrifice?

The answer is easy in this story. Obviously the answer is no (even if Rao is actually making the world a better place which none of our gods have ever managed). Rao is asking everybody to give up their free will and their individuality to be content and satisfied while he gains immortality through their belief. Also, he's not exactly allowing people to do so willingly. But those are aspects of a super hero comic book that need to be in place so that when the Justice League decides for everybody on Earth that they will not be believers in Rao, the reader doesn't feel like they're forcing their choice on the masses.

But say Rao is the physical manifestation of any "god" of any Earth-based religion. What is the physical manifestation of god or religion? The church, its dogma, and its leaders. It is man that tells other men the "truths" of spirituality. It is just as much a lie as Rao. But that doesn't matter. The question, as I pointed out earlier, is whether the lie is worth believing or not. That's something every individual needs to answer. Many answer it in such a way that they're probably upset that I'm even claiming religion is a lie. They believe utterly and completely. And what the fuck do I care if they do? If it makes them happier, fine. Although if it makes other people less content with the only life they have because they believe they have a duty to force everybody else to believe the lie? I'm less content about that.

Keats once wrote "Beauty is truth; truth beauty. That is all ye know on earth and all ye need to know." Truths are generally ugly. Lies are most often beautiful. Often we find we must choose which we want to color our life. Do we forsake the truth of reality to live in the lie of an eternally living ego? Or do we embrace the ugly thought of a cold, dark grave for the scientific truth of our random and utterly meaningless existence?

It's for this reason I own a Mulder UFO poster t-shirt. "I want to believe." I'd love to fucking believe. But I can't. The truth is out there and it isn't always great but if you throw out the bad truths to believe in some pretty little lies, you almost certainly throw out all the grand and beautiful truths of our universe. I'll choose truth any day.

Justice League of America #6

Hey DC? You do remember that Batman is the only one of these characters without any kind of physical powers, right?

I'm sick of Batman being the most invulnerable hero in the DC Youniverse. Don't try to defend him, you assholes. You know it's true! I get the argument that because he doesn't rely on super powers for his own safety, he's more on his Bat-toes than everybody else. But even Bat-toes can't keep you from being shot in the face forever. How many times has this dick been punched by Killer Croc without anything but Alfred's shaky, arthritic stiches? This guy is unkillable for a reason that has nothing to do with his training and it certainly has nothing to do with super powers giving him invulnerability or regeneration. What's the real story, DC? Batman sold his soul to the devil, didn't he?

I don't even remember what was happening in this comic book because it had a Martian Manhunter interlude. I think they had just killed Darkseid and had become gods, right?

It begins with Aquaman finally coming to his senses and kicking the missionaries out of Atlantis. Fuck missionaries. Don't try to defend them! They're manipulative bastards trading goodwill and charity for the destruction of other people's cultures! Stop trying to convince everybody else of the lies you were too gullible to disbelieve!

But it's too late. The Atlanteans have become as brainwashed as a child born to ignorant parents perpetuating a false paradigm of reality.

The same shit is going down in Themyscira although at least Rao's missionaries are meeting heavy resistance there. They were prepared for armed conflict with Wonder Woman's boyfriend's in-laws.

Meanwhile in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman utters the variation of a phrase that no comic book character should ever utter because it means they're going to get their ass kicked immediately thereafter: "Is that the best you've got?" It's never the best they've got. They always have something better for just after some idiot asks that question. Superman learns his lesson and Rao stands over Clark's unconscious body and pisses in his mouth.

The Flash is still in 1961 because he's pro-fucking-up-everything-through-time-travel.

The Justice League can never just stop a bank robbery. Or a simple alien invasion. Or World War III. No. The fuckers always have to save absolutely everything all at once.

Flash hears a bunch of the usual comic book nonsense that characters spout when a writer can't be bothered to write a story stemming from motivation, cause, and effect. Instead this guy Vincent knows with some certainty thanks to some singing rocks that the end of everything is going to take place and he's trying to learn how and why it will come about so he can stop it. Vincent has now told Superman and The Flash about his certainty and they seem to believe him so now they're on the case to save forever! I think a step in the right direction would be punching Vincent in his throat so that he collapses and dies and stops fucking with the timeline since he's lining everything up to cause the end of forever so he can study how it comes about so he can stop it from happening. See how he needs to be stopped?

The Rao Missionaries complete their mission which was less brainwashing morons and more finding the location of Olympus so that they could send a dozen suicide bombers there to kill Earth's gods. Apparently the only god they recognize on Earth is Wonder Woman. Take that, Jesus and Allah and Thor and Ganesha!

Aquaman accidentally hitches a ride to Olympus and is blown up alongside Wonder Woman. Hal Jordan is still 250,000 years in the past and light years away from Earth where he's found another division of the Infinity Corporation. So I guess Batman is the only Justice League of America member left to save the day. Like the cover. Like always.

Justice League of America #6 Rating: No change. This issue would have been better if I hadn't had to wait so long for it and the story hadn't been interrupted by a story that belonged in the Martian Manhunter comic book. It's probably worth the cover price but only because most comic books cost $3.99 now. I don't actually think any comic book is worth that price but then what do I know about money? It seems expensive but some comic books from thirty years ago were $1.75 (due to Baxter paper and no ads!), so that isn't that much of a raise in price, is it? Although if you consider that Infocom was selling their text adventure games for $50 a pop and video games now cost $60 with a lot more work put into them, it seems like a royal buttfucking for comics to cost twice as much with less pages! Thanks a lot, comic books!

Justice League of America #5

Martian Manhunter's silliest disguise yet.

I'd like to thank Bryan Hitch for missing his deadlines because I always love to have a story interrupt another story before it's finished. After all, my favorite book of all time is The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night! I mean, it would be my favorite book if I could ever finish it. After all, it is more than six thousand pages long. It took my about thirty years to read the last book that was six thousand pages long and that one was called Cerebus and it was mostly pictures! So I expect to finish this one sometime just before I die. Although I don't have to wait every month for the next twenty pages of Burton's Arabian Nights translation so I don't really have an excuse for not reading it much faster. I think I've written about six thousand pages in the last four years which is probably why I haven't read six thousand pages.

So while Bryan Hitch takes a winter break from writing JLA, I'm forced to read another Justice League of America story by Matt Kindt! The last one he wrote was a year long hallucination starring Martian Manhunter and Stargirl so I'm not expecting a whole lot from this story. It's being co-written by Rob Williams who seems to be doing a decent job on his Martian Manhunter comic book so maybe I can rely on him constantly reminding Matt Kindt that the Justice League of America has more than two members in it. Although I don't see how this story can have anything to do with the current story over in Martian Manhunter since this comic book features a different Superman and Batman and Hal Jordan than the ones in Martian Manhunter's DC Youniverse.

The story begins in the past at a Justice League soiree aboard the Watchtower.

Other people acting distant? Aquaman. Batman. Other people Batman doesn't trust? Superman. Cyborg. The Flash. Green Lantern. Captain Marvel. Wonder Woman. Aquaman.

I'm not sure if I used the "soiree" correctly in what we'd all think of it as the looser meaning of the term. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary just says it's a party or reception held in the evening so this probably qualifies. Although I don't think "evening" exists in orbit and I doubt you can really call a party a "party" when nobody trusts each other enough to introduce themselves to the others by their real names. I guess it could be some kind of masquerade!

The Justice League currently don't have a cat aboard the space station so Martian Manhunter has nobody to hang out with in the corner. Instead, he heads to Death Valley which just seems like a really downer of a move and a self-destructive metaphor for not fitting in. "Oh! Oh! Everybody at this party is so different! I deserve to be alone in one a place on Earth so desolate that it has 'death' in the name! Boo hoo! Nobody likes me!" I probably shouldn't be acting so snotty to J'onn since I totally get where he's coming from. Parties where you hardly know anybody suck. I'd rather stay home and mope about how I don't fit in too! At least Martian Manhunter isn't going around the satellite asking people if they want to hear his poetry. "Anybody want to hear my latest work, 'I'd Rather Walk Alone In Death Valley Than Be Stuck At A Party Speaking With Hal Jordan'?!"

After spending a few minutes pouting in Death Valley about his non-existent reason for being on Earth (except maybe to live?), he decides to go to the other extreme and visit the crowded city of Tokyo! I also realize that J'onn might actually be in all of these places at once because he's a monster. I mean a martian!

J'onn is investigating a Martian cult in Tokyo which could totally just be a weird coincidence and have nothing to do with an invasion of martians at all! What I mean to say without actually saying it because some people might get the wrong idea is that Japan is fucking weird. In the best way possible, of course! I love the fucking place! I wish I could go back but this time with instant access to the language so that I could go in that secret club that was probably full of crazy sex but the bouncer at the door wouldn't let me in! He asked me, "Do you speak Japanese?" And when I admitted that I did not, he responded by saying, "Too bad for you!" What a tease! What awesome experience did my penis miss out on?!

Fucking martians! Breaking human hearts left and right and then probably eating them.

J'onn tracks down Thoth who insists on being called the UnNamed. He really should stick with Thoth since The UnNamed reminds me of The Untitled which reminds me of Scott Lobdell which reminds me of vomiting in my mouth and up into my sinus cavity.

The UnNamed turns out to be J'onn's ultimate Batman villain. He is the mirror image of J'onn if J'onn had made worse choices. They are both the last of their kind and they are both extremely lonely. Except The UnNamed has chosen to feel less lonely by murdering people and stealing their thoughts while J'onn has chosen to feel less lonely by making people fall in love with him and their crushing their dreams. It's possible J'onn is the actual villain here!

J'onn must be rattled from trying to enter The UnNamed's mind since he thinks "I'm not even sure if he has corporeal form to hit" as J'onn is flying through the wall after being punched by The UnNamed's corporeal form. Maybe this is so far in the past that J'onn just hasn't boned up on his detective skills yet. He's still too enmeshed in his emo poetry.

J'onn defeats The UnNamed by using some trick or something that involves nearly lobotomizing an old man. The UnNamed served its purpose and now J'onn knows that he is a weapon and that, ultimately, he's meant to destroy. So maybe now he'll set up his web of alternate personalities in his search to discover the truth of his existence? Is this sort of a Martian Manhunter Issue #0?

Beneath Death Valley, J'onn builds a vault to store all of his knowledge in some kind of sand and rock computer. Just like our computers which are like made of silicon or something. I might have that wrong because I spent most of my college years bitching about how Walt Whitman should try maybe writing shorter poems rather than learning anything useful.

Justice League of America #5 Rating: No change. Once again, Matt Kindt writes an issue of Justice League of America that's only stars Martian Manhunter! I bet Matt Kindt is the kind of guy who answers the door on Halloween and greets a bunch of kids expecting candy and instead punches them all in the face. I suppose DC's answer to writers running late on titles now is to just preempt the comic book with a story from another series? "Hey, you Justice League fans! We know you wanted to read about the Justice League but instead here's a commercial for our other comic book you may not have heard about called Martian Manhunter! Why don't you pick that one up too?!" This was a good story but it didn't fucking belong in this comic book! So my review of this comic book is "Fuck you, DC, because now whenever I answer the door on Halloween and see some kid dressed as a DC superhero, I'm probably going to punch them in the face." I hope the Raging At Matt Kindt Writing Justice League Books Starring Only Martian Manhunter Defense will be as successful as that Twinkie Defense!

Justice League of America #14

I guess this takes place on an Earth where America formed with twenty three original colonies.

Justice League of America has been the worst incarnation of any Justice League ever. At least that I've read. And I haven't actually read that many. But even if I can't rightly compare it to many past incarnations, basing it on its own merit, it was still awful. Mostly it was terrible because it was just an extension of Trinity War (which went nowhere and merely became a prologue for Forever Evil) and then it took a hiatus during Forever Evil where it told an imaginary adventure starring Stargirl and Martian Manhunter. Way to suck at planning comic books, DC.

I understand that comic book companies like to tie books together so readers feel they need to read the tie-in books and mini-series and other books tied in to those mini-series. But here's a little secret, DC: if you make the characters of a comic book interesting and get the reader emotionally involved with them and their story, they'll want to pick up other books where the characters appear. You don't need to ruin the main book simply because the characters are involved in some other story arc. Justice League of America should have just told stories about the Justice League of America that happened before the Crime Syndicate came to Earth instead of the bullshit story of Stargirl remembering that her parents loved her. Save that shit for the Stargirl mini-series.

I suppose JLA really was just a vehicle to highlight Stargirl anyway. Most of the stories revolved around her and how she was sidelined but she was too perky and eager to remain sidelined so she stepped up to help save the day. And then more of that. And still more of that. With a heaping helping of more of that. And now it looks like the final issue will be about Stargirl!

Stargirl says "literally" too much. And incorrectly. And when it isn't needed. Which it almost always isn't needed.

Apparently Steve Trevor's Justice League of America is being blamed for Earth being invaded by the Crime Syndicate. For some reason. Probably because they tied themselves so closely to the government of the United States and fuck the government of the United States. Amirite?! But mostly nobody gets to know exactly why the Justice League of America is taking responsibility because that shit is classified.

This issue is simply about how everybody went their separate ways. I guess. Whatever. Fuck this comic book! It was never allowed to tell a story! This was simply a place characters went to when they failed elsewhere! Nobody was interested in J'onn on Stormwatch, so he wound up in JLA. Hawkman's comic book was the shit that shit shits out of it, so he wound up on the JLA. Katana had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over her, so she wound up in JLA. Nobody could figure out what the fuck to do with Simon Baz after Johns created him for no good fucking reason, so he wound up in JLA. Green Arrow had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over him, so he wound up in the JLA. Vibe was never interesting ever, so he wound up on the JLA. Catwoman had the stink of Ann Nocenti's failure all over her, so she...oh wait. I already said that. Anyway, the Justice League of America was simply a holding place for characters DC didn't want to disappear from reader's minds. None of the characters (except for maybe Stargirl!) ever had a moment to develop since the plot was mostly about setting up Trinity War. Speaking of Trinity War, it was an idea that got flushed somewhere along the line and replaced by Forever Evil which is why Trinity War wound up in JLA!

"Thank you! Normally I wouldn't go near a brown man in a mask but since you save my child, I guess I'm grateful! And...oh my! Is that a gun in your leotards or are you...oh no. It's a gun. POLICE! HELP!"

Does Simon Baz still carry a gun around with him? That was my favorite thing about him! Fuck trusting some glitchy ring that needs to be shoved in a railroad lantern once per day. At least bullets don't lose power while you're sleeping.

I forgot to mention that Catwoman went back to being Catwoman or something. Anyway, on to what's happening in Green Arrow's life next!

The universe sighs a breath of relief! Green Arrow has been confined to Earth! Um. What?

She said "Arrow" not "Lantern" you idiot! I don't think Steve Trevor properly took care of his head wound after his battle with Grid.

Katana is busy with Outsiders stuff. She'll probably be back when the super hero Outsiders team reforms. I'm sure that'll happen during the Futures End nonsense. Hopefully Halo will turn up around then.

Currently, J'onn is tearing ARGUS Headquarters apart looking for Waller. Which means Waller must have wanted ARGUS's headquarters torn apart by J'onn since she knew he'd eventually get to her anyway. She must be up to something! It looks like ARGUS (and thus the JLA by association) were blamed for the whole Crime Syndicate Invasion thing and Waller once again wound up as the scapegoat. That's probably why she wanted the place destroyed. Just tear the whole fucking thing down and slink away unnoticed.

Stargirl is learning about her ex-teammates because she still wants to put a team together. But Trevor tells her how the government crippled him and that she should think outside of the box. So a light bulb appears over her head and she whispers, "Canada!" Because their government is powerless! Ha ha! Man, it must be nice to live in a country with no desire for power! Since all politicians are corrupt, it would be nice to have politicians that kept their corruption within their own borders! I think growing up in the cold causes you to develop an insulated outlook on the world!

J'onn finally catches up with Courtney and they agree to begin a new team which has already begun in Justice League United because this comic book was so fucking late.

Justice League of America #14 Rating: Good riddance. Hey DC? Can you stop publishing comic books just to take them out at the knees and keep them from going anywhere, leaving them to bleed out, helpless and struggling and pleading for their lives? Can you? No? Enh, fuck you anyway.

Justice League of America #10

I'm not the only one that looked at this cover and wondered what the fuck Stargirl was pulling out of her ass, am I?

Last issue, Martian Manhunter battled Martian Manhunter in his Deathstorm Prison Cell. But Stargirl escaped or something. It's basically the Justice League of America treading water until they can get back into the Forever Evil storyline.

This issue begins with Stargirl trapped in the memory of her origin as she reads a book by the psychotic best-selling author, David Graves. But Martian Manhunter is also stuck in her head, so he's there to try to get her ass in gear and/or make her go insane.

You know, Courtney, your step-dad might explain it all to you but he's probably a bit embarrassed about the whole being an adult sidekick to a kid thing.

That's about the extent of Stargirl's memory before Blockbuster punches her in the face and she wakes up in the middle of a battle with him as well as Deathstroke, Copperhead, Shadow Thief, and Giganta. Her powers have merged with Martian Manhunter's powers which allows her to take a punch full in the face from Blockbuster and then another from Giganta. But Martian Manhunter warns her, in a faux British accent, "My powers are faaaaaading! You must stop remembering your stupid past and saaaaaave the daaaaaaay!"

Stargirl doesn't really listen because her head is killing her and why doesn't Martian Manhunter just shut the fuck up already! Although, I suppose her head could be hurting from the mega-fisting it took from Giganta.

Yeah, that's not going to help.

Stargirl takes a quick break to remember learning that the original wielder of her Star Staff was named Sylvester Pemberton. But she's too young to remember All Star Squadron and Infinity Inc. and whatever fucking books that rich motherfucker was a part of. And then she's got her act together and she's ready to defeat the Secret Society of Super-Villains all by herself.

The one member she doesn't defeat is Deathstroke because we're already pushing credulity that she defeated the rest of them by herself with Martian Manhunter's powers while he yells inside of her head. And since Deathstroke can't fly (except that one time in an issue of Batman: The Dark Knight where he lands on the Batplane all Venomed out for some reason and then disappears just as quickly), Stargirl takes off into the sky like some kind of Skyman or Star-Spangled Kid.

Stargirl lands in Metropolis to separate from Martian Manhunter with some drama about how she's tired of following orders and how nobody knows any better than she does what the right thing to do is and how she's going to go back to L.A. to make sure her family is safe. Martian Manhunter, now seperated, begins to search for the prison that holds the rest of the Justice League members. They're either in Firestorm's Slash Fanfiction Space or Deathstorm's Snuff Fanfiction Space.

Oh good! They're in the Slash Fanfiction Prison!

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN TRINITY WAR AND FOREVER EVIL?
By Grunion Gun!

At first, Superman couldn't believe what he was seeing: a large, well-muscled man in blue and red spandex that was just a little too tight in the crotch with a large letter on his chest! But something wasn't quite right! The woman next to him looked incredibly like Lois Lane, especially in the boob and the butt area! Which he could see both of perfectly because she was a master of the Boob/Butt Showcase! Next to them was a character that looked an awful like lot Green Lantern but his right arm had a serious four hour erection! The Flash but with a penis shaped head squatted nearby sneering and masturbating so quickly that the air was soon filled with a thick mist of jizz!

"What is this?" quipped Clark Kent just as everything began to spin and shake and dissolve into some other place! He thought he could hear two voices screaming softly, "No! No! Fury can't handle this many psyches! We'll become...FURIOUS FUCKING!" And then there was a bright flash of light!

Superman felt a large hand running up his inner thigh as his vision began to clear! "Bruce?" he asked with a slight smile on his lips and a bulge that could only come from a Kryptonian's underwear!

"Who's Bruce?" came the small, child-like voice! Superman opened his eyes to see Shazam slowly cupping his crotch! "What's the quickest way to get this...," Captain Marvel tugged at Superman's erection, "Out of these tights and into here?" Captain Marvel pointed at his naked asshole!

Suddenly there was a blur of red and yellow behind Shazam and Shazam's face twisted into an orgiastic grimace as The Flash fucked him in 0.000008 seconds flat! Superman gaped in confusion or ecstasy or however a person gapes and quickly ripped his suit apart, freeing his Krypton which was ready to explode once again! He grabbed Billy Batson by the back of the head and rammed his mouth down over his cock! As Superman came, everybody in the space felt the shockwaves as Aquaman telepathically linked their mines for the precious moment! Nearby, Simon Baz was creating magnificently sculptured buttplugs with his ring and....

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on, Grunion Gun! Stop the fucking presses!

Did you just make Billy Batson suck Superman's cock? Is that illegal? Can you even type that?! I mean, it's obvious he's in his grown man persona, right, but does that make it okay? It does, doesn't it? Maybe I should stop this story now before it gets too sexy. I mean, illegal.

Justice League of America #10 Rating: No change. I can tell I'm not really that into a story arc when I can't think of much to say about it. Also when it devolves into Slash Fiction. That's probably a bad sign as well.

Justice League of America #9

Am I just now noticing that the Justice League logo sucks?

This morning I wrote a commentary on Arkham War #2 that I'd like to sincerely apologize for. It was so difficult to write that it caused a strange pain and severe self-loathing emanating from somewhere inside my being. It was all-encompassing and I couldn't really pinpoint why everything hurt so badly. But I think I might now believe in the concept of a soul because that feeling might be what people mean when they say "soul crushing!"

If you didn't read that commentary, nearly every sentence utilized the word "literally." Ugh. I live in Portland, Oregon and it seems like whenever I go out to a coffee shop or eat out in a restaurant or go on a naked bike ride, some asshole at a table near me (or on a bike nearby!) uses the word "literally" in every other sentence. And sometimes, like when I'm at a Drink and Draw, that person is with me at my table! At least then I can turn it into a drinking game because I'm already drinking!

Between this issue and last issue, we learned that the Justice League members were sucked into Deathstorm's version of Firestorm's Slash Fiction reality. But since Deathstorm doesn't go into that whole sharing space thing, Deathstorm's area seems to be based on Snuff Fiction. So that's the prison in which the Justice League seems to be incarcerated. Except for Stargirl who managed to escape at the end of last issue to find herself in the Washington DC of Earth 3 where she met, if I'm remembering correctly, the evil version of Martian Manhunter, Man Martianrescuer. But I can't remember which Forever Evil tie-in that takes place! [Because it wan't Stargirl, dumb dumb me of the past! It was Pandora!]

Anway, she seems fine at the beginning of this issue as Martian Manhunter continues to telepathically speak with her as he is followed by somebody who's silhouette looks like The Phantom Stranger. So it's probably a salesman. He ditches Simon Baz to enter the next room of the Cube and finds Madame Xanadu.

I just hope she's become interesting.

I'm not sure why melting glittery purple silly putty all over her hands and bosom makes her evil but I suppose I'll go with it. If saying phrases like "hearts of virgins" and "blood of innocents" makes you evil, I'd hate to know where I am on the continuum of Good and Evil.

Stargirl decides to reenter the prison and look for J'onn because she's tired of being backup. Doesn't she know having something to prove is the number one cause of deadly accidents? Something to prove is also the number one cause of experiencing flashbacks of your secret origin!

Watching cartoons of Yankee Poodle Dandy was her origin story?

After running into Aquaman mad with grief over all the ocean animals ever, Martian Manhunter feels that there is just one more prison left to visit. And it's...his own! Surprise! And the person following him was...himself! What a jerk. How do you fail reading your own mind? I guess when you spend so much time in other people's heads, you forget what being alone in your own head can feel like. When J'onn confronts his doppleganger, he does what any rational person would do: has sex with it.

Oh, I mean, he punches it! I guess J'onn isn't rational!

Stargirl makes it down to save J'onn from his evil twin (who may or may not be Earth 3 Martin Stein (he may or may not also be every other character ever!)) because she's full of youthful optimism. And no prison can contain youthful optimism! That's why you need special juvenile detention centers.

Once Stargirl escapes the Cube again, she winds up on Earth Regular (maybe I'll stop calling it Earth Prime after all of this time because of the connotations of that name with the Pre-Crisis Universe! (although maybe Earth Supreme would be better. Or Earth Grande? I'm taking suggestions here!)) all by herself with J'onn still inside of her head. But outside of her head are Deathstroke and a bunch of other Secrect Society of Super-Villain jerkoffs.

Justice League of America #9 Rating: No change. What did we learn from this issue that can help us understand Forever Evil better? I suppose we learned that Stargirl is immune to evil and will save everybody in the end. And she'll do it without sacrificing herself because she's one of the few characters immune to bad shit ever happening to her since she represents Geoff Johns' sister that died in the crash of (or attack on!) TWA Flight 800.

Justice League of America #3

That's not the real Catwoman. She knows how to work a zipper. Or maybe she doesn't? Why is the pull tab on the zipper down at the bottom? I guess it opens from the belly button up in case somebody needs to do some emergency belly shots off of Selina's stomach.

This cover is a Who's Who of the worst comic books of The New 52! Granted, Green Arrow is finally being written to character. But before that, he was just another one of Ann Nocenti's failures. Three of Ann Nocenti's characters are on the cover! I wish she'd write Hawkman as well.

Also, I thought Green Arrow didn't make the cut? Is he going to just keep showing up until everybody believes he's a member? Perhaps this takes place after he proves himself by taking down Komodo and having a slumber party in the desert with Magus.

I was going to scan Green Arrow pouting in the locker room and declaring that he was going to make a major comeback after being down and out for a year and a half but then I saw Stargirl's public service announcement which set off one of my pet peeves.

Look, colorist Sonia Oback, I don't give a fuck if you burn it, wave it, or wipe your ass with it. But how fucking hard is it to find a photo reference of the American flag so you can get the fucking color scheme right? Jesus H. Lincoln.

I would have loved to blame David Finch for the above mistake because I'm a complete asshole that likes to twist the knife when I've got a fish wriggling on the hook over the fire with a gun to its head. But I'm pretty sure it's the colorist that reversed the red and white stripes on the flag. I should also blame editors Kate Stewart and Brian Cunningham for not catching this mistake although their jobs might not have anything to do with the art and are merely story editors. Anyway, you would think this is a mistake that DC would try desperately to avoid since now I think they hate America.

That panel is reprinted as a poster on the wall of Star Girl's room on the next page and it's even more fucked up! Now I KNOW DC hates America!

Amanda Waller has a brief meeting just to make sure that Stargirl despises and mistrusts her.

What a great leader!

Amanda Waller used to be a tough son of a bitch that got things done in the Preboot universe. Sure, people were intimidated by her. But she needed to be tough and intimidating to get things done. Now she's just a conniving, manipulative jerk. To be fair, I wasn't reading stories with Amanda once she began working for President Luthor. So maybe she became just as big an asshole as Maxwell Lord at some point. I mainly followed her with the Suicide Squad where her lying and manipulation wasn't so bad because it was to murderous criminals (mostly). Sometimes she was a jerk to Bronze Tiger when she didn't need to be. But now she just seems to lie for the sake of lying. She's incapable of doing anything without using threats and intimidation. Overall, she's simply unlikable. Not that she has to be a likable character! But I liked her better when I liked her.

Besides, the threatening someone's father with jail time to get them to do what you want is already being done by Mister Bones over in Batwoman. Come up with your own threats, Waller!

Getting back to the heroes that are actually on the team to do heroics and not simply to look cute and innocent with a smile full of braces and some trite speeches that can be boiled down to "Yay America and God!", Steve Trevor's first order of business when the team is ambushed by Professor Ivo's robots is to fuck up Wonder Woman's secret identity.

Sure, he only says her first name. But Hawkman shouldn't even know that. And now that Clark Kent is publicly dating Diana Prince in Superman, everybody needs to be extra cautious about blowing secret identities. Plus Ivo is probably recording anything the robots see and hear so now he's got a lead on Wonder Woman's secret identity name.

I know Wonder Woman hasn't really been too concerned about a secret identity. And it's possible that the media already know her as Diana. But suppose that's true? Then Clark Kent is being super stupid by dating her! Putting her hair in a pony tail and throwing glasses on her isn't going to make people suddenly forget that Diana Prince is Wonder Woman. Oh! And I think everyone DOES know Diana Prince as Wonder Woman, so Steve Trevor really didn't make a mistake here. The reason I think that is because I just remembered something from Superman #19 that confused me at the time. Jimmy Olsen calls Diana Prince "Princess" and she corrects him and says that she's not a princess and that people often make that mistake. So everybody knows Clark Kent is dating Wonder Woman! Which means Clark is being just as careless about his secret identity as Bruce is being with his by connecting Batman Incorporated with Bruce Wayne. Eventually Wonder Woman and Superman are going to kiss in public and Lois Lane is FINALLY going to make the connection. And do you think she's going to keep that story from headlining the next Daily Planet paper? Fuck that! Time for a Special Edition!

After Vibe yells at Wonder Woman instead of helping Trevor with his super powers, he yells, "It's gas!", when Batman sets off a gas bomb. This kid is being extremely helpful! So fucking glad he's back on the team! Hawkman isn't being any more helpful. He doesn't even warn everybody about the gas! And Martian Manhunter is currently being pummeled by a tree wielded by Superman. The first mission isn't going too well. Perhaps if Green Arrow were here!

Ha ha ha! Oh man. I crack myself up.

Forget Green Arrow! It's Katana and the voice in her head that ninja jumps in to save the day!

"Diana! Why are there so many cross-hatches on my face while your skin remains so clear and supple?!"

Doing Arts by David Finch
Chapter Five: How to Make Men Look Different From Women

"Light women's faces nicely. Do not use shading. Put lots of cross-hatching on men's faces. Make them look dirty and in shadow even if they are standing right next to the woman in perfect light. Also put boobs on the womens."

After Katana cuts off Wonder Woman's head and everybody sees the wires and sparks, Martian Manhunter explains to the rest of the group that these beings are not human. Vibe ends up shaking them into pieces and the fight is over. Although Katana wants to keep it going by slitting Catwoman's throat simply because her voice said it didn't trust Catwoman. But that easily resolves itself with a Martian Manhunter mindscan and the team is ready to continue their trek through the forest. But they don't find much of anything.

Since they couldn't find the lair of the Secret Society of Super-villains, Steve Trevor comes up with another plan. The plan is for Catwoman to get the Society's attention so that they'll hire her and she can become a double agent. Unless she decides to be a triple agent. Which is just a confusing way of saying a single agent. Unless there's more to it. Anyway, the plan is to have her get caught trying to steal an artifact from a museum.

If her plan is to get caught, why even bother stealing the necklace? Unless she has some secret hiding place she can stow it. And she just mentioned in a previous page that her uniform doesn't have pockets. So that doesn't leave her anywhere to...oh. Eww.

The Justice League of America arrives to "capture" Catwoman but she, of course, decides to play a little...well, I'm sure there's an analogy that fits this situation that I just can't come up with. The JLA give chase when suddenly Green Arrow arrives to bring everybody down. But Hawkman has a solution to this problem.

I should raise The Savage Hawkman's rank just for this!

Catwoman decides to stop playing around so she doesn't get a right hook from Hawkman too. And Green Arrow decides to use some Amanda Waller's tactics on Steve Trevor to earn a place on the team. He won't tell anyone that Catwoman is working for them if he's allowed on the roster. I guess when your main skills are shooting sticks and getting your ass kicked by little girls, you sometimes need to resort to desperate measures to get an invite to a super team.

Once Catwoman is caught, she's thrown in Arkham Asylum where Catwoman #19 takes place. So now I can read that next! After Catwoman #19, Catwoman escapes only to be captured by Signal Man and Blockbuster. She finds herself strapped to the same chair The Scarecrow was strapped to at the beginning of last issue. It looks like the plan worked! She's infiltrated the Secret Society of Super-villains!

The back-up story is written by Matt Kindt. On my scale of storytelling that goes from Scott Lobdell to Competent Writer, Matt Kindt falls close to the Competent Writer side of the scale. I haven't filled out the scale since I just made it up but it will probably have 100 places. I'm only familiar with Kindt because of his work on Frankenstein and the only good story in Men of War (a back-up story). This story is about Martian Manhunter and will hopefully discuss his love of Oreos.

Except it only pretends to be about Martian Manhunter by labeling it "Martian Manhunter". It's really about Martian Manhunter's assessment of Catwoman. He likes her.

But then it's also about her assessment of J'onn. I guess she gets some psychic backlash when he does the mind probe on her. Or perhaps he gives a little of himself due to the guilt of stealing their memories. Catwoman sees J'onn in another time and place while he's hunting. She feels bonded to him, closer. And she also believes he doesn't know she's getting some of his memories. Maybe he unconsciously gives some of them since you would think he would know how his mind probe worked. I'm sure he's done it and had it done to him by other Martians. Anyway, they both feel a bit closer to each other after the mind probe.

Come on, Selina! That's unfair. You just witnessed a totally alien culture. You can't judge it by human standards.

Justice League of America #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's too bad that bits like this back-up story can't fit into most mainstream titles with their twenty page limits. I guess it could but not in an ensemble cast like this book has. So the extra dollar was worth it this time. That's really how I should judge these $3.99 comics with back-up stories. I should keep track of how many are just there to steal my extra dollar and how many are worth it. Although if I started judging comics like that, then DC would owe me refunds on nearly all of the Teen Titans and Superboy comics put out so far.