Damage #1

How come this isn't a double-splash page? Oh wait.


That's more like it.

The two week old version of myself purchased this comic book because he hates present me. Looking at this piece of defecation he purchased for me, if I had access to a time machine, I would literally go back two weeks ago and murder myself. I don't even care what would happen to the space time continuum.

Somebody more rational than me might be thinking, "Dude. Calm down. Just don't read it." To those rational people, I say, "Fuck you! Who gave you permission to be a hypothetical aside in my mind?! Asshole."

Take a good look at the bottom panel of that fucked up cover idea because it depicts one of my favorite comic book tropes: female protagonists who always look fuckable even when they're critically injured or dead. Is that commentary on the sexism inherent in the art of comic books or have I just discovered that I might be into necrophilia?

Here's my unique take on this comic book that probably no other online review site has come up with: Damage is just the Incredible Hulk! Fuck man. I am so out there with the hot takes. Corporate comic book companies can't pull the obliquely homoerotic spandex over my eyes! That's another one of my hot takes: superhero comics are totally about the gay lifestyle. I should probably do a little more research into the gay lifestyle before I write an essay on that though. Does anybody know any discreet gay bars in Portland?

The inside cover of this comic book is a fraction of a larger poster of one of the New Age of Heroes! comic books. I guess I'm supposed to buy two copies of each of these new books so I can cut one up and sellotape them together to hang on my wall? Who do I ask about decorating advice? Is a taped together comic book poster on the wall of an adult really any worse than a pristine and framed comic book poster on the wall of an adult? I hope the person I'm consulting on decorating also knows something about fashion because I'd like to know if I should own more than just comic book t-shirts.

This issue begins with a classic set-up of the protagonist's motivation.

Most people join the army to defend the United States or to end terrorism or to get away from their mother's new boyfriend. But Ethan just wanted to play dress-up.

How many young people read "Let loose, Ethan," and thought, "That's not even grammatically correct." How many young people just read what I wrote and thought, "What's grammatically?" How many young people never even read what I wrote because reading? Who has time for anything except animated GIFs?!

Ethan is terribly disappointed in his military career. He probably should have looked into the United States military before signing up. I mean, I'm going to look into the gay lifestyle before I jump right in with the belief that they're all going to embrace my ideas based on the gay lifestyle pedestal I've cultivated in my closet. If Ethan were me, he'd probably have signed on to be gay, walked into a gay bar, and started shouting, "Where is all the vagina?!"

What I'm trying to say is, "Why is Ethan so surprised that the military is using him in the way the military wants to use him?" That's what fucking happens, Ethan, when you sign your free will away! Sure, you could decide to not follow orders by refusing to take the experimental serum that turns you into a living monster. But you can't complain when you get a court martial for being a huge whining dick. I mean, you can complain. But nobody is going to care. I know I'm already not caring and I have a feeling you're going to be complaining throughout this entire comic book. "I don't want to be a monster! I want to be good! I want to help the world! I don't want to destroy! I want to build! I want to create! I want to suck all the cocks!"

Whoops. Sorry. That last one was somebody else's desire. Never you mind whose.

Some people might have passed on this book because they have a foot fetish and they noticed Damage's feet weren't depicted on the cover. Well, let me inform you that you made the right choice by passing on this dreck.

I'm on the fence as to whether I think Tony S. Daniel can't draw feet or part of Damage's origin story is that he has terrible looking feet.

Venditti and Daniel are both credited as the "story tellers." I think that's mostly just part of the whole campaign behind this new age of dc heroes. They're really trying to put the artist right up front as the most important aspect of the book. But I have a feeling the two of them weren't the greatest collaborators.

Venditti: "We should open with a loving scene from one of Ethan's earliest memories where maybe his mother went out of her way, at great danger to herself, to help somebody in need. It could run two or three pages and we'll show how much Ethan loves and respects his mother and her peaceful influence on himself and the world around him."
Daniel: "Yeah, yeah. That's all good. But how are you going to hook new readers with that? Does somebody get punched? Or is the mother just in a towel? She's hot, right?"
Venditti: "No, no. She'll just be in a normal weekend getup. Jeans and a cool blouse or something. Anyway, that doesn't matter. This scene will hook the reader with the emotional connection."
Daniel: "I don't see it. How about instead we begin with a double-splash page of Damage falling out of an airplane?"
Venditti: "I don't know. That seems like the kind of thing that can be done in a long panel. It feels like wasted space."
Daniel: "Well, I already drew it. So make sure it's in the script. And don't forget about writing in a nearly naked babe at some point. Anyway, you figure it out. I'm going to go look at feetless anatomy models now."

The plane that was supposed to deliver Damage to wherever the fuck they were going is called Stork-1. Get it?! GET IT?!

Damage escapes which causes some military guy to scream, "Damage is off the leash! He's off the leash!" DC loves to "unleash" its characters. They seem to think it's the most exciting thing that can happen in a super hero comic book. They should all come live in Portland because I don't think I've ever seen a dog on leash here in the last twenty years.

I think I purchased a knock-off dictionary because I can't find "assest" in it anywhere.

I think "assest" is a portmanteau of "asses" and "assets." So the additional "assests" inbound are obviously the Suicide Squad.

Venditti: "Okay, okay. We'll start in the middle of the action. Damage falls into a public space and must be stopped. The military men are all lubing their asses for the public reaming they're about to take for their secret weapon being exposed and released in an American city. But Ethan will still be there inside Damage's mind trying to control the beast. We'll offer a flashback to the time with his mother in his effort to calm Damage down."
Daniel: "I could see that. That's like real writing, right? But could you maybe just make the fight go on for about ten pages and throw in another double-splash page?"
Venditti: "Let me guess. You already drew it."
Daniel: "Well, yeah. I just had this epiphany! I couldn't stop drawing the fight scene! I imagine it begins between Ethan who is a total pacifist loser who was only picked for the job because the military thought his low aggression would be easier to control. But he's battling the high testosterone guy who fucks tons of ladies who is all, 'I should have been Damage! I'm the bad ass who has a hot tattoo of a lady in a towel that you can totally see in the third double-splash page!'"
Venditti: "Fine. Um, you know what. Just go off this script." *Venditti pushes one sheet of paper across the table that reads "Pages 1-14: fight scene."*

"No, no! Don't kill me!" Damage doesn't kill him. "Pussy!"

The Suicide Squad appears on scene to capture Damage. But they're not being called the Suicide Squad nor Task Force X. This is a new and more exciting era of DC Comics! So Daniel and Venditti came up with this classic name for the new way too exciting Suicide Squad: Task Force XL! Ha ha ha! I can't wait for some writer to turn them into a fuck-fighting force and call them Task Force XXX.

Damage #1 Rating: This book was a terrible first issue if you're an actual critic of story telling. But if you're the kind of person who runs a comic book company and you're constantly running around the offices screaming "More action! More splash pages! More art that makes me put my dick in my own mouth!" then you might be proud of this embarrassment. It was a fourteen page action sequence where we learn that Ethan somehow turns into a completely separate creature that he can talk to from wherever Ethan disappears to. You might now be thinking that I don't understand the conceit but I do. I'm just taking it literally as it appears because it's so fucking stupid. Ethan simply turns into a monster and then he talks to himself as if he's a different person. It's basically The Hulk on a leash which is ironic considering DC's penchant for unleashing things. And the appearance of Task Force XL is simply the exclamation point on the entire thing. Except not an exclamation point, exactly. Is there a piece of punctuation that doesn't say "This was exciting!" but says "This was intensely stupid!" You know, an idiocy mark? Hey, civilization. We should invent one. It's super needed right now in the United States and the United Kingdom.

If you enjoyed this critique, maybe you'll enjoy my other thoughts on popular culture via the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Newsletter available at tinyletter.com/GrunionGuy

Suicide Squad #17

In Russia, Zod kneels before you. Shit. I think I have to turn in my writing card now.

Remember when the Suicide Squad gave their members the choice to be on the team? It's possible most of the people reading this comic book weren't born when that last happened. Now it's just a team of anybody Amanda wants forced into slavery under the threat of death. Specifically, I'm speaking about Zod right now since, at this point, I really have no fucking clue what the incentive is for all of the other people on the team. Deadshot wants to be able to visit his daughter sometimes but he sure put up with a lot of fucking bullshit for a long fucking time before that finally happened. And he had to lose a hand to get that carrot! Harley is on the team because DC Comics is afraid to lose half the readership by dropping her. Killer Croc is on the team because I don't know why. Why is he even in Belle Reve? It's a mystery! Captain Boomerang is on the team because he's full of guilt and self-loathing and believes he deserves the humiliation he receives from Amanda. Also he constantly has a boner for some reason. Zod is on the team because he's an alien and Amanda enslaved him. I'm sure he'll just shrug his shoulders and look on the bright side and get on with it.

Look at Deadshot on that cover. Why do all the terrible artists that people think are actually the best artists believe that Deadshot can see anything out of a scope in his mask that far over on the side of his head? Fuck you, Tony S. Daniel and John Romita Jr. Probably Jim Lee too but I don't remember being upset about his placement. Although I'm sure Jim Lee filled the scope with scribbles, so even if it were in the correct place on Floyd's face, he still wouldn't have been able to see out of it.

All the best covert organizations have headquarters behind waterfalls.

When are we going to get the Nightwing comic book where he goes undercover in an international construction company that builds super villain secret headquarters? Think of all the crime that can be stopped before the villain even has a place to sit backwards in a chair facing a bunch of monitors while stroking a cat!

Zod is introduced falling out of a helicopter with the rest of the squad as he screams the thing you expect him to scream. It's hilarious because that's what Zod or people hearing the name Zod always say! He doesn't seem particularly upset that he's been enslaved. As long as he has the illusion of freedom (which he only has due to his delusional nature or why else would he explain to Amanda that he serves no one while doing what he's told?), I suppose he can't get too upset. Besides, he gets to kill people! That's a pretty sweet perk.

The Squad have come to destroy the Annihilation Brigade. They're Russia's version of the Suicide Squad. Maybe. I mean, if that's true, why are they located in Zimbabwe? Is it only because there are no famous waterfalls in Russia? I mean, there might be! But only waterfall nerds have probably heard of them! Whew. Now nobody will dare to say I look ignorant by my lack of international waterfall knowledge because they'll be too embarrassed to admit they're a waterfall nerd!

The first member of the Annihilation Brigade to die is Tunguska. I first heard of the incident at Tunguska due to In Search Of. That was my favorite show as a kid.

"Zod will invent the ways"? That doesn't make any sense. Unless one of the ways Zod just invented was ramming his boner through Tunguska's liver. I mean, why else is Tunguska screaming like that? I doubt it's due to Zod's breath.

Coming to Tunguska's rescue are his colleagues, Cosmonut and Tankograd. Cosmonut has the power of silly typos while Tankograd has the powers of a city made of tanks. I understand why Cosmonut wears a space uniform while the only thing he can say is a picture of a peanut. But why does he have a head shaped like a hammer? If there's one nut that doesn't need some kind of tool to crack it, it's the peanut! They should have called it the pussnut.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Harcourt has realized her jigs are up and begins slaughtering people. Amanda probably knew this would happen and didn't warn all the techies because Amanda is a fucking asshole.

The advertisement for the King Arthur movie still makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. Who the fuck are these people making movies in Hollywood?! I'm surprised King Arthur doesn't have huge fucking ear gauges in that ad.

Um, anyway, Harcourt reports back to The People before setting the self-destruct code on Belle Reve. Fucking self-destruct codes. It's like one lazy fucking hack writer somewhere in the past needed a quick and easy way to threaten the lives of the heroes while also allowing for the utter annihilation of the bad guys so that asshole invented the idea of a self-destruct mechanism built into the evil organization's headquarters. And it was such an easy way to advance the plot and add tension, other lazy hack writers decided to use the premise until it became something audiences stopped questioning. I wouldn't mind if all of our homes were rigged with self-destruct codes just in case a guest stays too long or some Mormon missionaries ride up on their bikes to discuss Christ's new world message.

The Suicide Squad discover that The People's compound behind Victoria Falls is their version of Belle Reve. It's full of imprisoned super-powered people with bombs in their brains. Does the Suicide Squad really need to confront an organization that holds up a mirror to their organization so that they suddenly see all of its flaws? I think they already knew how shitty it was. They don't really need a lesson to get them thinking, "Hey! I don't think Amanda Waller has our best interests at heart at all!"

You're right, Floyd. You aren't the Teen Titans. You do more good than they do.

Tunguska blows up, killing everybody. Everybody except the people labeling under the delusion that they're job is so dangerous that they might as well just kill themselves. They never die. They teleport away along with Cosmonut because he's obviously the best prisoner to interrogate.

"Who is behind this?!"

Later in Belle Reve, Amanda confronts Harcourt before she can escape. Remember how I mentioned how Amanda was a huge fucking asshole because she didn't warn the techies earlier?

She's even worse than that! She's also lucky Harcourt didn't kill two techies with one bullet!

Harcourt is a terrible spy. One of the first things they learn is to tell how many bullets are in the clip of your gun simply by weight! Probably. I mean, I'd definitely teach that course if I were running a Spy Community College Program.

Captain Boomerang kills Harcourt before she can tell Amanda that Boomer killed Hack. Oh, also before Harcourt can kill Amanda. I just mentioned them in order of importance. I still don't know why Boomer killed Hack but since he liked her, it must have been mind control. Or else that self-loathing I mentioned earlier that he's full of.

In the epilogue, Cosmonut is interrogated and Amanda learns what a peanut looks like when spoken. Rick Flag sucks on Harley's finger which, according to earlier issues, was probably just inside his asshole. And Zod speaks with his cohorts inside the Black Vault (probably Faora and that dumb oaf) before attempting to do brain surgery on himself with his heat vision and a mirror. That totally makes sense, right? His heat vision is powerful enough to cut into his own Kryptonian brain but not powerful enough to shatter a mirror. Because light or something!

I really need to dig up Ostrander's run on this thing and reread that. Although I might be severely disappointed. I was pretty young when I read and loved it. What if my raging cynicism, cultivated from years of life constantly trying to put me in the ground and my existential terror of just about every mundane task civilization expects out of adults, make me realize it was actually terrible?! Hmm. Now I really want to reread it!

Suicide Squad #16

This comic book keeps insisting on artists whose work I have serious issues with: Jim Lee, John Romita Jr, and now Tony S. Daniel. Blarg!

The Review!
-1 Ranking. This issue was not entertaining. I did not learn anything interesting about Lex Luthor. I did not learn anything interesting about Amanda Waller. You might be wondering, "Did you expect to?" Well, no, not at first. But the way Williams wrote the story, it felt like he was trying to teach me something about them that he gleaned with his magnificent wisdom. Like how they're lonely and want to fuck each other, I think.

Amanda just wanted some kryptonite from Lex which he tried to give her on page two but she refused because she's apparently not as all-knowing and manipulative as she thinks she is. So instead of moving on to an entertaining story with the kryptonite in her pocket, she bores me for several more pages. Lex is particularly boring and cliché as he points out, as the smartest guy on Earth, that he already knows everything there is to know. No hiding any secrets from him! While Lex and Amanda bore me, the Suicide Squad attempt to burgle Lex's vault. The mission is successful if the mission was to get me to hate every single member of the team, even the ones I used to like. Enchantress shouts annoying Satanic-lite gibberish. Captain Boomerang complains about his arm lost in the teleportation process but never in any realistic way like screaming "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" or vomiting all over the place. Harley Quinn acts goofy and whimsically in a way that makes me wish I'd stopped reading this comic book five years ago. And Deadshot doesn't really do anything at all. I think. I don't really remember. Was he even in this? Maybe he wasn't in this the way Killer Croc and Katana, although on the cover, weren't in this.

The whole point of the story was for Amanda to get some kryptonite to stick into General Zod's head so that she can have a criminal Superman on her team. Because having beings of cosmic power worked out so well in her first version of Task Force X.

Superman #16

Why is Superman so angry at his logo?

• Superman's plan from last issue worked perfectly and like a charm as well. It worked so well that he's now powerless and in the clutches of Prophecy. But since that was the plan...success! Way to go, Superman!

• Since Prophecy is full of the power of multiple Supermen and Super Rabbits, he is five hundred feet tall. Also his head is on fire. That means he's full of energy, probably. Also because he's so powerful and Superman has lost his powers, Prophecy decides to tell Superman why he's doing what he's doing. What harm can it do? At the very least, Prophecy is helping Superman to understand that some sort of crisis, probably infinite in scale, is coming to destroy the universe. Usually I'd ask grumpily, "How the fuck does he know?" But his name is Prophecy so that answers that.

• Prophecy needs the powers of all of the Supermen to save his dimension (I still don't know what number it is. Probably 48). After he accomplishes that, he may save the other universes too. But only if he has time. When Superman hears that, he's all, "When you believe you're going to be the savior of the universe, you're always destined to lose!" I think he learned that from Sun Tzu's dumber brother.

• Superman is tossed into a giant grave which the Supermen of the Multiverse are digging. But not Captain Carrot, even though rabbits are great diggers. He's just sitting there looking adorable.

That grave is big enough for a five hundred foot tall Superman, hint, hint!

• Superman took the only ship that can travel across the Multiverse (aside from the Eye of the Storm, I suppose) so Red Racer has to build another one at superspeed. This winds up killing him because of physics or something. It might have had something to do with his being gay as well.

• With the new ship, Justice League Incarnate can follow the beacon of the original Ultima Thule's music. They can travel to Prophecy's world and rescue the cute little rabbit.

• With the arrival of Justice League Incarnate, all of the supermen and superwomen and superrabbits get their powers back for some reason. Physics, again, I guess. Probably not homosexuality this time.

• Prophecy's hand is removed by the Supers because that's where he was storing their power. Then he teleports away while claiming he's all that stands in the way of oblivion. Or Oblivion with a capital O, I suppose. Maybe he meant Obsidian. He's gay!

• And that's the end! Everybody lives...FOR NOW!

The Ranking!
No change! That ending was anticlimactic in the extreme. It was so extremely anticlimactic that it was sort of climactic! Because I was totally expecting a bigger, more thrilling fight! I was expecting a plan to come together! I was expecting something other than "Hey! Hey! We got our powers back now everybody punch Prophecy at the same time! Winners!" But instead I got something disappointing which was a total twist which means it was a surprise which means it was climactic, right? No? Anyway, Prophecy has found himself with Tim Drake, a prisoner of Doctor Oz(y(man(hattan)dias)). Apparently the biggest secret of the DC Universe is that no character has ever died ever in the DC Universe's existence. They're all just locked away in some afterlife zoo.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #2

Why is the title full of glory holes?

This issue begins with Amanda Waller screaming, "Suicide Squad! You will do as I say!" I guess they just caught her not going on dangerous missions and they were all, "Why do we have to do them but you don't?!" And she's all, "Do as I say! Not as I do!" Which, when you're a stupid teenager, sounds like the most bullshit reasoning in the whole fucking entire world. But you need to understand where this comes from. If, say, a parent tells you to wash your dishes after you eat but you don't because you notice your parents never get right to their washing up either, you might think that's fair. But as a parent, you know you can leave shit lying around the house for as long as you want because you're eventually going to have to deal with your own shit. But when your kid does it, you know your kid is never again going to get to it and it's either berate them constantly until they scream about how much they hate you and possibly break the dish, or just fucking do it yourself. If you don't see the difference, you're probably a shitty teenager. Oh, and in the case of a parent who smokes who tells their kids not to smoke or drink? Why the fuck do you think they do those things and possibly heroin too? It's because of you, you little ingrate! You can smoke and drink and shoot up as much as you want once you bring a miserable little child into your life to completely destroy all of your hopes and dreams. But up until that moment, your parents are trying to keep you in a position where you fucking care about your future! They know they have none so they can tell you to do what they say and not what they do. They're talking from experience and you should listen because the best kind of experience comes from people who completely blew it. And you better believe your parents are some of those people. Why else would they have had you?

That shot of Waller is the first page. The second and third page are basically a repeat of the big double splash page from last issue when the Suicide Squad first clashes with the Justice League. It's just from a different angle to fool the reader into thinking the fight has progressed. I know the fight hasn't progressed at all because Captain Boomerang is still standing against The Flash. That fight should end at the one or two second mark. Shortly after that, Harley Quinn should fall. Then Deadshot. Then El Diablo. Then Killer Frost. Then Enchantress. And finally, Aquaman. Then the cover of issue three will be like Crisis on Infinite Earths #7 with all of the heroes attending the funeral of Aquaman. In the middle of the shot will be Superman dropping Arthur into a giant toilet bowl.

Why isn't Batman fighting Boomerang?

Deadshot's big plan to defeat the Justice League is to split up. He thinks that by splitting up the Justice League, the Suicide Squad will be able to defeat them. But, really, what difference will it make? It's not like anybody was backing up Batman while Deadshot was battling him. It's not like Wonder Woman needed help against Harley Quinn, or The Flash can't take down Captain Boomerang if the other League members aren't moving so slowly behind him that they're practically statues. Although it will mean nobody will be able to come to Aquaman's rescue. And I think Killer Frost might be able to take Cyborg since all she has to do is freeze the circuits on his White Noise Cannon and he'll be powerless. And when is the last time Superman defeated somebody who uses magic? So I guess Deadshot's plan is half right.

Meanwhile in the Swiss Alps, Maxwell Lord is trying to convince his Super Duper Suicide Squad that they're not being mind controlled into helping him even though he's mind controlling them into helping him. Lobo is all, "How do we know you're not manipulating us with your power?" And Max is all, "Because I'm too busy dealing with this bloody nose! Duh!" Luckily for Max Lord, nobody in comic books know about psychic nosebleeds.

Max dangles the carrot of killing Amanda Waller in front of the cosmic monsters he's assembled. Apparently they hate Amanda so much that they'd rather do what Max says than go their own way, accomplishing their own goals and fulfilling their own desires. I guess Amanda Waller was responsible for putting these villains away in The Catacombs. Why else would they hate her? Just because they've heard she's the biggest jerk in the DC Universe?

The battle begins and the first conflict is between Superman and Enchantress. I called this one for Enchantress and, so far, she's beating Superman. Because he's too nice and she uses magic. Pretty much what I said last commentary.

The second encounter is between Cyborg and Killer Frost. I said this match-up didn't matter but, if I'd been serious, I would have given the match to Killer Frost. Once again, a female villain uses her sexy girl wiles to manipulate the man and get the upper hand. I don't mean that "once again" as in "all female villains always do this and here we go again!" I meant that the Enchantress did that to Superman and now Killer Frost just did it to Cyborg. The encounters are so similar that I wouldn't have put them on facing pages.

The third encounter is between the Green Lanterns and El Diablo. Here's what I said last commentary: "Simon Baz encloses El Diablo in an airtight bubble and extinguishes his flame."

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Okay, fine. Even a Novice Comic Book Reader could have predicted this match-up. That doesn't take away my accomplishment!

I knew The Flash should win in a matter of seconds but I couldn't help predicting the old "missed me" returning boomerang shot to the head. I guess that doesn't work against The Flash who has probably seen it at least five dozen times before. He defeats Boomerang without even laying a finger on him.

The next conflict is between Killer Croc and Aquaman. I said who cares about this one and I meant it. Who fucking cares?

Batman is shot twice in the chest by Deadshot in their fight but he's got Bruce Wayne money to make the most advanced bulletproofing available. I mean, maybe not as good as Deathstork's Icon suit but it's still pretty good. Batman knocks out Deadshot in one punch after that. I guess Amanda Waller is going to have to blow the heads off all of the Squad members before they rat her out. Unless Rick Flag is arriving in some kind of Anti-Justice League Mechamonster.

Wonder Woman defeats Harley Quinn after the prerequisite pages of Harley acting crazy funny. Not that Williamson knows how to write funny but you can tell, as a reader, that he's trying. It's all we can ask for. Not that we'd get anything more if we asked for it which is why we should probably only ask that he try.

But all of the fighting doesn't matter because Waller has one big move that's the entire plan. Enchantress knocks Superman into the ground because, you know, magic! While he's down, Waller commands Killer Frost to absorb his energy because it's almost as good as absorbing Firestorm's Slash Fiction Energy. When she takes it, her powers explode all over the place and everybody on the beach is frozen. The Justice League has been defeated! Mostly because Waller is smarter than Batman. Or is she?! I bet Batman wanted to be caught so he could get his chance at stopping Waller directly!

The entire Justice League has now been caught by Waller and imprisoned in special cells that keep them from accessing their powers. How do the cells work? Well, there's the red sun in Superman's cell and then there's...well, it doesn't matter! The only thing you need to know about comic books is that when a plot point needs it, a hero's powers can be rendered useless! It's just a thing you have to accept if you're a comic book reader.

The Ranking!
No change. Isn't this exciting, folks?! It's just like a blockbuster movie! And by that I mean it's bland and predictable but full of punches and other punches! Plus, did you catch the scene with Lobo in it? That was pretty awesome, right? Fucking Lobo! Not Twat Lobo! Hell no! Real Deal Lobo! Right in this comic book! Man, I've got such a boner right now!

Justice League #5

How is Batman helping? Get the fuck out of here.

The Commentary!
Oh! First page: "The Extinction Machine Finale"! I'm as excited as the first time my mom dropped me off at school in kindergarten and I thought I was free from her forever! That's actually a lie. I wasn't excited about school at all. In fact, I refused to participate for months. Mrs. McFarland would try to get me involved in the "curriculum" and I would throw a fit and refuse. So she finally just let me sit alone at a table with some crayons and shit until I felt comfortable enough with the daily routine to join in. I think it was playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" which finally sealed the deal and made me realize school wasn't entirely bad. Also my friend Judy who was probably the first friend I ever made.

Here's the report card assessment from Mrs. McFarland. It's interesting because forty years later, I still recognize the essential me in this report. Mrs. McFarland was an incredibly astute, compassionate woman.

11-9-76: “Jeff is a fine boy. He does have his ‘problems’ but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.” 1-28-77: “Jeff continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.” 4-14-77: “Jeff has days when his ‘mood’ affects the way he participates.” She gave me a minus (as opposed to a check which is good, I guess!) in the following categories: Interacts positively with others, Accepts guidance from others when necessary, Feels good about himself, Has self-discipline, Is emotionally able to cope with problems, Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems, and Uses time to good advantage.

I'm fairly certain the school year began just after Labor Day at the beginning of September. So it took until January of the next year for me to begin to participate. Mostly. I'm sure in this day and age, I would have been diagnosed and tested and medicated and labelled. But in the seventies? You know what the answer was? Patience and hard work. Treating each individual child like an individual and not like a disorder. Mrs. McFarland had to deal with every kid and their peculiarities with kindness and patience and, when needed, a stern and unyielding demeanor. I don't say this to take a shot at children with disorders that, knowing about them, will help the child have a better shot at surviving the system. I say this to point out that Mrs. McFarland was a fucking saint. How the fuck she dealt with five year old me (I was four during September! I guess my mom couldn't wait to get me out of the house!) and a dozen or more other fucked up kids, I'll never know! I would have been demanding something to sedate these little fuckers. Like maybe a really slow carbon monoxide leak? Not enough to put them out and kill them all but maybe just get them drowsy and lethargic for the entire day!

Although, teachers today are probably bigger saints. Now they have to treat each child with a list of particular demands from the parents that are simply asshole parent demands which interfere with the teacher's business. Probably. I have no evidence to support that assumption except for my observations of most parents being assholes. They're worse than dog owners who don't leash their dogs! Or vapers who think it's okay to vape wherever the fuck they want because laws haven't caught up with them yet! Hey, all of you assholes I just mentioned?! Have some fucking respect for other people and stop being such selfish pricks!

This issue begins with Aquaman declaring he's going to save the world. Ha ha! Good one! What he's actually doing is taking his bag of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac figurines to show to the other Justice League members. I'm guessing they won't be impressed. Oh, sure. Wonder Woman will be polite about it. But her vagina will dry up so quickly that Aquaman himself might dehydrate and die.

Aquaman is actually seeding the Earth with his figurines. They say they're related to him. Oh yeah, he hears them speaking to him. So Aquaman is either saving the world or going insane. Insane for Precious Moments Figurines! Who hasn't been there, amirite?!

The Green Lanterns are an unknown amount of light years from Earth and yet they can still communicate instantly with Cyborg. That's impressive! Not wait! The word I wanted is impossible!

Who is editing Bryan Hitch's Justice League? Oh wait! I can check that for myself: Brian Cunningham. Oh boy. He's one of those editors who got super upset at fans when fans pointed out Cullen Bunn's Aquaman was the biggest shit ever shat by an Aquaman writer. At least now I know why he defended such a bad idea for an Aquaman story: he doesn't know anything about the DC Universe. Why else would he not tell somebody to fix the "Kent Farm, Metropolis" label on the previous scene? I'm not going to argue whether the farm is in Metropolis or some rural suburb of Metropolis or Smallville or wherever. What I will argue is calling it the Kent Farm. Clark and Lois haven't used the name Kent since they came to Earth-New-52! I wouldn't even feel the need to mention it if it had been called the "White" farm even though they now go by "Smith" because at least that would be closer to the truth! This is just shoddy work, Brian Cunningham. Don't you care about your job? I bet you never make a mistake when cashing your paycheck!

Meanwhile, Superman seems to be doing just fine inside the outer core of the Earth. Seems about right. No oxygen. High pressures. Intense heat. No yellow sunlight. Just another day being a poorly thought out character that can do virtually anything the writer needs him to do because his name is Superman! Although there had better be a story after this one showing how his powers aren't that great and he's actually not as overpowered as haters think he is!

Just in case the threat to the world was beginning to seem abstract and non-existent, here's a scene where the heroes acknowledge the world is getting fucked in the ass (nonconsensually!) while they're busy elsewhere. It's a good thing Aquaman is on the job! I wonder if I just opened a portal to a secret kingdom by typing a phrase that's never been typed before?

Across the world, newscasters are asking the question, "Where is the Justice League?" Oh, grow up, you fucking dicks. Fix your own goddamn problems! Save yourselves! Shit happens and people die. You can't expect a team of self-involved, narcissistic assholes with super powers to be there to save every single person in the world from every fucking disaster, can you?! Fucking comic book reporters and comic book journalists are the fucking worst. I mean, I guess they're better at their jobs than actual reporters and journalists. But that still doesn't make them anything more than assholes who think they're somehow more important than they really are. How shitty must a local news anchor feel after they report what's been trending on the Internet? I wonder how many of them are cutters?

The Justice League realize that they've been fighting against the forces that were trying to stop The Kindred. So now they've decided to stop fighting the things that have been destroying the world (you know, the Ben Wa balls and the Alien Bed Bugs) and fight against the giant meat puppets singing in Canada. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm a genius (I'll let other people point that out) but what have the Giant Singing People Puppets done that was so bad so far? The other things are destroying the Earth. The Singing Giants have only borrowed the Justice League's powers for a few moments here and there. Oh. That just answered my question. I almost forgot the whole narcissist part of the description of super heroes. They don't give a shit about stopping the threat to the Earth when there's a threat to their super powers!

Without having any knowledge of what the singing giants are up to, the Justice League decide to join forces with the Alien Bed Bugs to destroy The Kindred. So the Green Lanterns now decide to import more of the disastrous buggers to Earth in the hopes of stopping The Kindred from singing. Simply because the Justice League can't stand to not stop everything that seems alien to them. I hope Aquaman plants the figurines and saves the day by empowering The Kindred and embarrassing the rest of the Justice League.

Aquaman plants the final crystals and Superman manages to stop the Earthquake balls so the world isn't destroyed. Which is a good thing for everybody on Earth but also a good thing for The Kindred because now they get to finish their song without being interrupted by a destroyed Earth. Nobody still knows why they need to sing though. But if the Justice League thinks they're singing for a bad reason, I suppose I should think that as well! Go Justice League! Stop those singing fucks!

I've been telling Superman from the start that he should be pushing these things out of the Earth and not deeper inside!

Just before the Giant Singing People Puppets are stopped by Superman and his final Ben Wa Ball, they reveal that their song was going to begin the Forever Crisis. Fuck you and your Crises, DC! Besides, you already had an Infinite Crisis. How is a Forever Crisis really any different?! You fucking topped yourselves out with Infinite Crisis. You blew your load! You have no way to outdo yourselves now! I think it's time to go smaller. Your next crisis should be the Quantum Crisis.

So Superman zaps the Singing Giants with the final Ben Wa Ball and they fall apart and become just people named Tiny and Jason and Princess again. But apparently they achieved their song and Forever Crisis has been loosed. Maybe it was loosed throughout all time though and we've already witnessed how it affected the DC Universe in the past. This song, Forever Crisis, is exactly why DC has had so many crises and reboots and Armageddons. It's because these fuckers sang their fucking stupid song. Anyway, the Justice League congratulates themselves on stopping whatever the fuck they just stopped by basically just stopping everything that seemed out of the ordinary and getting lucky. Too bad they're the Justice League so the next threat has to be even more massive than this one!

The Ranking!
+0! Poor fucking Aquaman. This story humiliates him far more than any story I can remember since the four issue mini-series where he got a new costume and was psychoanalyzed by the antagonist. Bryan Hitch had to figure out a way to make Aquaman part of the world saving story arc and all he could come up with was Aquaman swimming around the Earth playing with dolls? Not that Batman did much better but at least he got to interact with the others and pretend like he was being insightful and helpful by telling everybody that they had to stop the bad thing quickly! Aquaman was basically given a distraction so that he didn't get in the way of the story. And then he gets a Narration Box at the end where he speaks directly to the reader: "Magic crystals and you scoffed." Yeah? I'm still scoffing! Because what the fuck did they do?! Sure, you say they saved the world from breaking apart but isn't that what Superman was doing? You say they stopped the Singing Giants' song but it actually wasn't stopped! You did nothing, you fish fucker. Bryan Hitch tried to make you seem important and he actually just shined a light on how useless you truly are. Eat a dork!

Justice League #3

Aquaman's trident is looking a bit impotent.

The Commentary!
This issue begins by teaching me that Australia is the south of the world, Japan is the east of the world, and Russia is the north of the world. But what's the west of the world? I bet it's Cuba, right?

All over the world, humans are climbing on top of each other to become giant Voltron-versions of human beings. It's not just stupid when I type it or when I read what I've typed or when you read what I've typed or when I say it out loud to myself over and over again. It's also really stupid when it's read straight from the pages of Justice League. I suppose when hundreds of people stand on each other's shoulders, they become stronger than normal and can resist Wonder Woman's Bolt of Zeus better than when if she threw it directly at a lone human who would probably just explode. I wouldn't take that chance but Wonder Woman is more proactive than I am and apparently also doesn't mind explaining to the other Justice League members why she killed a bunch of innocent people.

"I want you to answer some questions while I smash you in the face with this weapon of the gods!"

I cropped the panel above so that if Greg Rucka happened to see it, he wouldn't be offended because Tony S. Daniel decided to draw Wonder Woman's ass with barely any underwear. I'm pretty sure the underwear was only added by the colorist and even then, it's barely there. It's like her ass is devouring her undergarments.

Since The Kindred does not immediately answer Wonder Woman's question in the half second before her Rod of Lightning smashes it in the face, her Rod of Lightning smashes it in the face. That's the kind of writing a real Writer writes right there!

Wonder Woman decides the way to beat Kindred is to dismantle his people sculpture. But the people sculpture decides she should be part of it.

When I first turned the page and glanced at this panel, I thought it was a hand holding a penis.

Gigantic Kindred people are popping up all over the world. It's still a mystery why because Wonder Woman is terrible at interrogations.

Flash is busy running around Earth squishing Space Bed Bugs while Batman is busy trying to tell Superman that the Justice League is terrible without him. Cyborg is cleaning up the Watchtower and the Green Lanterns have gone through a wormhole to find the source of the Alien Bed Bugs. It's not a seedy motel in New York like you probably guessed. It's a mostly destroyed planet that should probably burn its wardrobe.

The scene where Batman gathers up Superman to join the Justice League is sexist garbage. Hitch apparently thinks Lois Lane can't stomach having Superman rush off to save the world without thinking he's going to die and she gives him a hard time about choosing to help Earth. It's like Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about their relationship and simply believes women are there to stand in the way of men with their tears and guilt trips! I don't think he's had enough therapy discussing my mother. I mean his mother! Superman, being a man trying to calm down a woman, simply says, "Lois...", as if she's being irrational (as opposed to simply just being out of character) and it's the only argument he needs. "Lois" as in "Lois, you're being hysterical" or "Lois, stop being so emotional" or "Lois, you fucking idiot, the world is ending!" But that isn't the main reason I think this scene is sexist! It's just a freeway with a sign reading, "Sexism: Next exit". Because in the next panel, Bryan Hitch tries to do the thing where Lois is all, "You wouldn't be Superman if you didn't do this!" But she says, "I know. You have to. I know the man I married. The man I love You wouldn't be him if you didn't do this." See, it's the "you have to" thing that's getting me with the emphasis on the "have". It's like Lois is saying he shouldn't. It's like Lois is saying, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just leave me and Jon and go do your stupid thing fighting bugs where we all know you're going to die." It's like Lois is accusing Superman of abandoning her. As opposed to what Lois would really be doing: giving him his jacket and maybe packing a bag of snacks with an extra serving of Goldfish and hurrying him out the door and telling him to go kick ass and save the world. If anybody would be dragging their feet in this scene, it would probably be Superman!

You know, I'm surprised Tony S. Daniel didn't put the cherry on the sexism cupcake (damn, that sounds delicious) and draw Lois in a towel for this scene.

While Lois cries and manipulates Clark into thinking maybe he shouldn't be rushing off to save the entire world, the entire world continues to need saving! There's another bit of writing a real Writer writes right there!

Oh! So this is why Lois is probably worried! Superman is rushing off to work with incompetents. "I can BOOM Tube you in but I can't BOOM tube you out!" What a lying dick.

Superman enters the core of the Earth without any kind of plan except "I'm Superman!" and immediately regrets the decision. So I guess he's going to die trying to remove Earth's Ben Wa balls which--come to think of it--might have been put there to keep the Earth structurally sound! Maybe the Justice League is simply interfering with a plan set in place thousands of years ago to keep the Earth safe and manageable. Maybe it's the Ben Wa balls that kept Earth from falling apart after those earthquakes! It's like the Justice League is trying to evacuate a burning building and the first thing they do after rushing in is begin knocking down support beams!

Oh, it turns out Atlantis is the West of the world. I guess that makes sense since it was probably Lord Arion who set this plan in motion and why would he make America the West of the world when it hadn't been discovered yet? I mean discovered by people who shove their history down everybody else's throats. In the end, those are the only people who matter!

Aquaman, realizing that the gigantic Kindred thing is composed of his people, decides not to try to destroy it and instead talks to it. He shows it his Precious Moments Zodiac Crystals which have begun to sing and The Kindred is all, "Ooh! Let me see!" And Aquaman is all, "You don't see with your hands!" The Kindred is all, "Whatever. My other people sculptures are calling so I should go do the thing we're supposed to do where we gather at Ayer's Rock (probably!) and sing the bad things away. Toodaloo!"

Oh, they decide to meet in Canada. That's the Australia of the North, so I was close enough!

The Kindred begin singing. One of them is all, "I'm a Green Lantern!" And one of them is all, "I'm The Flash!" And one of them is all, "I'm a Darkstar! No wait! They sucked! I'm, uh, Superman!" And then the last one is all, "Dammit! I'm Aquaman again?! Fuck!"

The Review!
Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer. Was he once not a terrible writer? Why is DC treating him like his dick can't be sucked enough? Why does he get to writer Justice League stories when he writes terrible Justice League stories? Although to be fair to Bryan Hitch, I've never read the end to one of his stories, so maybe he always knocks them out of the park and I'm just jumping the criticism gun! Although to be fair to me, the reason I haven't read the end to any of his stories is that he never finished Justice League of America! I think the next issue of that might be coming out next week unless that's just another fantasy DC Comics is engaged in to keep people thinking that they'll get an end to that story. I really hope the ending is terrible so I don't have to retract my statement about Bryan Hitch being a terrible writer. I might even go so far as to say he's worse than Cullen Bunn! No, I won't say that. Cullen Bunn is a bad writer and a whiny baby man! I hope Tony S. Daniel can salvage this story by drawing a bunch of females in towels next issue.

Justice League #2

The Justice League are hired to do security at the 2016 Olympic Summer Games.

The Commentary!
How is this comic book going to keep a twice monthly schedule with Bryan Hitch writing it and Tony S. Daniel drawing it? DC Comics is stoned, drunk, and possibly listening to Def Leppard if they believe this creative team knows the definition of a deadline.

Also, who at DC thought putting that comic book Snickers advertisement on the inside front cover was a good idea? It's distracting! It looks too much like part of the comic book and has too much going on. It's also better written than anything Bryan Hitch can do, so it makes the rest of the comic book extremely disappointing.

This issue is part two of "The Extinction Machines." Apparently the Extinction Machines are bugs and earthquakes and a demon called The Kindred who can possess multiple people and make them talk in a red voice. They can also steal super powers so I guess it'll be up to Batman and Aquaman to save the day.

Last issue, Simon and Jess's rings lost power and they dropped into the middle of a tidal wave. This issue begins with their having just saved everybody in Hong Kong because their rings are back to normal. Nothing like a fake cliffhanger to really build the tension between issues and make a reader distrust every fucking thing the writer writes! At least Jessica is beginning to learn to make constructs because there's nothing more boring than a Green Lantern who can't make giant boxing gloves and Zambonis. That was hyperbole because, of course, there's always Aquaman.

The Flash also lost his powers last issue but he's got them back. What were we all worried about? Why did I just spend the last two weeks fretting about how the Justice League would deal with The Kindred without any super powers?! That was hyperbole too! I probably didn't think about this comic book once over the last two weeks. The last time I remember excitedly awaiting the next issue of a comic book was during the run of Hitman when he was dealing with those SAS bad-asses. Fuck, that was a long time ago.

When Cyborg says "Jump!", you say, "Fuck you, Cyborg! Batman is on the other line! How high, Bruce? How high?!"

The Batman called in The Flash to discuss Gotham's sudden insect problem. In Justice League Rebirth #1, there were too many Space Lice for The Flash to run around destroying in one nanosecond. In Justice League #2, there are just as many Alien Bed Bugs but The Flash has no problem destroying them all in the space between two of Batman's words. It's not like I expect any kind of consistency in Bryan Hitch's Justice League. Besides, can you really compare Space Lice with Alien Bed Bugs. It's like comparing apples and fruit that look and taste just like apples but aren't apples for some plot reason.

Batman's plan is to turn the Alien Bugs over to the CDC and ARGUS because he doesn't want Alien Bed Bugs in the Batcave. Batman surmises the Alien Bed Bugs are actually some kind of biological weapon released when a missile crashed in Gotham. I'm not sure how he looked directly at the alien space craft the bugs came out of and saw a missile but then I'm not Batman! He has the ability to know exactly what's going on no matter how confusing the story might be. But Batman and Flash don't have any more time to figure out the Alien Bed Bug problem because Cyborg is insistent they come up to the Watchtower now.

Luckily, A.I.M. is on the scene to deal with the Alien Bed Bugs!

Cyborg can't get in touch with Aquaman because Aquaman is busy rescuing his Precious Moments Astrological Symbols Figurines from a sinking Atlantis. Nobody is too worried about not having Aquaman in the loop though. What are the odds the current danger to Earth can be stopped by a swarm of Flying Fish?

Cyborg has some information about what caused the Earthquakes. Apparently there are four huge spheres buried in the Earth's mantle. I mean the outer core. I mean...well, in some pictures they're in the outer core and in some pictures, they're in the mantle. But Cyborg said the outer core so I should just believe Cyborg. The spheres are emitting "gravitational waves" which are causing the quakes. Batman, being a detective, is all, "Who did this?! Where can I find them? Can their jaws be broken?" But Cyborg is all, "How can we know that, Batman?! Jeez! Let's deal with the problem at hand and save the world before we get hung up on the justice of finding the person responsible for it!" That's when Wonder Woman steps in to offer her opinion.

Wow. Perceptive, Diana. Although I am surprised she didn't come out of the shower wearing a towel to deliver this line.

While the Justice League are discussing possibly contacting Superman because they're useless without him, hundreds of missiles from space containing Alien Bed Bugs begin crashing down on Earth. One even smashes into the Watchtower, so that should keep Cyborg busy while the others head to Earth to burn mattresses.

The Kindred call the Alien Bed Bug Infestation "The Purge" which seems an awful lot like the Space Lice attack from Rebirth. How come none of the Justice League remember the Space Lice attack and how similar it was to this? I think Bryan Hitch wrote that story and thought, "What a waste to have this be just one issue! I don't need to think up a new idea for the regular series. I'll just use this one again and extend it!"

At the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman cuddles his Zodiac Crystals while he watches the Atlanteans turn into some kind of underwater Voltron. I bet Arion is involved somehow. He's probably the leader of the Kindred. He set them up way back when Atlantis ruled the world as a defense against the coming of the next Purge. He probably had to deal with a Purge way back then and thought, "Never again! Somebody make me some Zodiac Crystals so they can be important later! And Earthquake Balls! And a Magic Global Mindmeld spell!"

While the rest of the Justice League are doing the actual labor of clearing out the Alien Bed Bug infestation, Batman goes to convince Superman to clean up Earth's gravitational ball problem.

So basically, Batman's relationship with Preboot Superman isn't any different at all than his relationship with New 52 Superman.

The Review!
So far, this is an average Justice League series. It's pretty much what I would expect if I picked up an issue of the Justice League at random. It does what it's supposed to do and doesn't offer up anything more. The only thing I have to complain about is that there's no reason to recommend it. It's missing a great hook, or a surprising theme, or Wonder Woman coming out of the shower in a towel. It's just the Justice League doing that thing they do where they stop a global threat. This time, the global threat is Alien Bed Bugs. It's gross but nothing special.

Justice League #1

Who can even stand against this team? Two Green Lanterns! A god! A Kryptonian! A speedster! A shapechanging computer! The Jeezly-Crow Batman! And a wet guy!

The Commentary!
The issue begins with a splash page of Wonder Woman that Greg Rucka wouldn't approve of because her underwear is showing. It's mostly a waste of space but I'm pretty sure it's in Tony S. Daniel's contract that he get to draw at least one large picture of a female in every comic book he works on. Wonder Woman is riding the Bolt of Zeus through the sky to remind everybody that it's her new weapon. I think she got it in Bryan Hitch's JLA comic book which never had a conclusion and probably never will because at this point, who the fuck cares? It wasn't even as great as all of the other comic book reviewers thought it was! Even if I thought it was good (which I don't think I did!), I was wrong if I did indeed do. Or whatever.

Anyway, I guess Bryan Hitch didn't like the idea that Wonder Woman could fly on her own or that she had an invisible jet. He needed her to fly around on the awesome weapon he created for her. I think that means Bryan Hitch isn't actually writing the character of Wonder Woman in this comic book. He's just writing the Bolt of Zeus.

On the second and third page (which is all just one gigantic image because Tony S. Daniel), Wonder Woman strikes the ground with the Bolt, blowing up tanks and soldiers all around her.

Who thought allowing Bryan Hitch to write a Tony S. Daniel drawn comic book was a good idea?! Bryan Hitch is a lazy writer and Tony S. Daniel loves to draw double splash pages. You know what that equation adds up to? Less motherfucking story, motherfuckers! But as long as Tony S. Daniel fans get to look at majestic two-page spreads full of action, I suppose everybody¹ is happy! On the upside, the two pages of image are only marred by one tiny Narration Box because the only work Bryan Hitch plans on doing to earn his check is cashing it.

War is a half-naked woman riding a bolt of lightning out of the sky to scold you with barely comprehensible phrases!

Wonder Woman explains to the Russians that she has given them every opportunity to start believing the things she believes. But since they believe other things and those things involve tanks and bullets, she's decided to kick all of their asses. I don't want to get my ass kicked by Wonder Woman! I hope I believe everything she believes too!

I can't believe Wonder Woman's attack on the Russians was sanctioned by the Justice League. At least not without Batman pulling one of those moments where he quits rather than be a part of international disputes. This must just be part of her job as the God of War. Plus Tony S. Daniel wouldn't draw this comic book without at least seven full pages of Wonder Woman action.

While Wonder Woman is teaching the Russians what happens when they don't toe her line, the entire city is shaken and destroyed.

He must not understand English very well since "killed us all" includes him and he's not dead. "Dumb Russian! Learn proper English!" typed the person who only knows one language.

This issue is called "The Extinction Machines" and it's Part One of a series that will probably never end because Bryan Hitch never finished JLA and now I don't trust him to finish anything at all. Extinction sounds pretty bad! It's a good thing the Justice League has all of those great members on the team as well as Aquaman.

The disaster Wonder Woman just witnessed is happening all around the world with death tolls probably in the millions. I just wrote a short bit called "Stranger Things: What About Barb?" where I discussed the reasons for my distaste of epic disaster movies with which Hollywood seems to be so in love. The problem with them is that the audience roots for a small number of people to survive a disaster in which hundreds of thousands die. Why should I fucking care about the arbitrary story of a couple of good looking people when regular folks are dying in the background of every single scene? Why would I want to celebrate at the end of a two hour cinematic experience where I just watched thousands of people killed? What's there to be happy about that the handful of main stars survived the near apocalypse? And why the fuck do I give a shit about the Justice League if their help amounts to saving just a small percentage of people caught in the disaster?

Although after typing all of that, Simon and Jessica do a pretty fucking good job of keeping the people of Beijing safe. So I guess that's one city where the League did a great fucking job! Although should I really put give congratulations to the Justice League? This was more of a Green Lantern Corps save! If only there were more Green Lanterns on Earth, the world could breathe a sigh of relief!

Even if I decide to believe that the Justice League saves every life, as shown during Flash's bit in San Francisco where he doesn't let one person down, I still have a horrible, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about how much work is going to go into reconstruction! Even Atlantis is falling apart since they don't have any heroes available to save them².

In Hong Kong, the residents steal the power from Simon and Jess's ring because Green Lantern Rings are the most unreliable gadgets in the universe. They're just so powerful that the enemy always has to remove their power. Although who cares if Jess's loses power since she can't even make constructs yet! What a waste!

Everywhere around the world, people have begun speaking in a red voice about being part of The Kindred and stealing the powers of the Justice League. Fuck. I knew Bryan Hitch wasn't here to do any writing! Can we stop having stories where the heroes have their powers stolen?! It's the weakest, least imaginative way to turn the tables on the Justice League and it's been extremely overused in the last five years alone.

Batman finally checks in from Gotham because he's got a bit of a situation that he doesn't recognize for some reason even though he and the team just recently battled Space Lice quite similar to this.

If only Batman had Freeze Breath!

While the Green Lanterns and The Flash get their powers stolen, Aquaman gets his words stolen because his powers are silly. Then Atlantis crumbles into a chasm at the bottom of the sea and Wonder Woman points out that The Kindred can't win because she has friends. Super friends³!

The Review!
It's hard to have a Justice League book without an otherworldly invaders threatening the lives of everybody on Earth. Even Geoff Johns can't get around that, what with his Darkseid's Invasion and his Crime Syndicate's Invasion and his Darkseid's Invasion II. And that's what Bryan Hitch is giving us with the new Rebirth Justice League. I thought maybe they would be battling the Watchmen in this book but I think that's been saved for whatever book Wally West is in, right? And who would give that huge of a continuity plot to Bryan Hitch and Tony S. Daniel to fuck up?! Does DC even believe this comic book will get past Issue #8?! I predict the story will bleaker and bleaker and then Bryan Hitch will walk away from it around Issue #5. I also predict Wonder Woman will have a shower scene in an issue or two. What I don't predict is that my interest will wax at all on this thing. It's just another standard alien invasion, Justice League members lose their powers, possible end of the world Justice League story. Haven't we seen every variation of this plot yet?
_______________________________________________________
¹By "everybody," I actually just mean Tony S. Daniel fans.

²Just Aquaman.

³Although some of them aren't as super as they used to be.

Deathstroke #12

Why isn't Yosemite Sam currently the spokesperson for the NRA?

This is supposed to be the part of the day where I read the most recent Batman and Robin Eternal but since I didn't bother to leave the house at all today, I guess I'll read Deathstroke instead. It's a bit like reaching for your anal beads and accidentally grabbing a pineapple. That might not make a lot of sense to people who don't understand the pleasures of shoving anything at all in their ass but they shouldn't worry. Deathstroke doesn't make a lot of sense either. Currently he's invading Belle Reve so it seems like he actually cares about his daughter. It's a lot of work to fool readers into believing he's got any capacity at all for emotion so that they defend him whenever I point out he's actually a psychotic monster.

Tess: "Deathstroke is a psychopathic monster!"
Deathstroke Fan: "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU CUNT BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHARACTER OR AT LEAST THE STUFF ABOUT THE CHARACTER I LEARNED FROM THE TEEN TITANS CARTOON WHICH MAKES HIM MORE SYMPATHETIC THAN THE TIME HE WAS FUCKING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL!"
Tess: "That's a fair and reasoned imaginary point which I wrote myself to make my detractors sound completely mental."
Thirteen Year Old Boy Which Is A Synonym For 'Deathstroke Fan': "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT DEATHSTROKE AND WHILE I'M YELLING AT YOU CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I WOKE UP WITH STICKY SHEETS THIS MORNING?!"
Tess: "It means that one day soon, Deathstroke Fan, you will be able to appreciate Deathstroke as a character without needing to lie to yourself about how he's not a psychopath! What a magical time you're in for! Years and years of wondering why women look like they've just bitten into a lemon every time you try to talk to them."

I'm not usually for any kind of censorship or restrictions to the internet but I have an idea on how to make the overall online experience more satisfying for the majority of users: ban teenage boys from it completely. Just from the regular internet and only until they can pass a slightly modified version of the Voight-Kampff test. Until then, they must log onto the "Internet for Teenage Boys and Men Who Nobody Really Likes Very Much." I'm sure after the new internet regulations are instituted, we'll all discover who the next biggest assholes on the internet are and then we'll have to come for them while nobody stands up to stop us! I'm thinking it will be the Harry Potter fandom and people who obsess over their Myers–Briggs results. Although it will probably just wind up being teenage girls. It's really hard to tell who the second most horrible group on the internet is due to the intense and overwhelming awfulness of teenage boys.

How many Narration Boxes does this need to stop being a comic book and simply become an illustrated novel?

To nobody's surprise, the second and third pages of this comic book are a double splash page. It's essential to the plot since there's no other way Daniel, Bonny, and Kirkham could have portrayed the intense intenseness they needed to communicate through a large image of Black Manta and Deathstroke wrestling underwater. I'm not even sure that could fit on a single page!

This issue is called "Blood in the Water" because I guess Deathstroke has just been cut while in water? Is that now supposed to attract King Shark? Or is the title suggesting that the murder of Rose's girlfriend was meant to attract Deathstroke so that he could be tagged and studied? Maybe this entire issue will just be Black Manta and Deathstroke grappling under water while partially covered up by Narration Boxes full of all the interesting thoughts inside of Deathstroke's head? A scene or two of Harley saying something insane and adorable like "I'm having my period!" will help lighten the mood.

Grappling underwater partially covered by Narration Boxes full of Deathstroke's thoughts? Check!

Deathstroke manages to knock Black Manta out of the water so that he can finally climb out of the tank to take a breath. Although I get the feeling breathing is less important than delivering his cutting action star line of "Okay, A-hole. Now let's try this on my turf!" Chilling!

The story flashes back to before Deathstroke's assault on Belle Reve because Slade either needed an accomplice to help get Rose out of Belle Reve if she's even there or Tony and James had a genius idea to have Harley working with Slade. Because whoever he's hiring to help him is a mysterious woman in the shadows. You can see that she has boobs but her head isn't shown because the pony tails might give away the big twist. The reader does get to see that she has red nails on her right hand though and guess who else has the same fingernail polish?!

I'm want to declare right now that it isn't Harley because that would make no sense judging by the way Slade assaulted her last issue and the way she crossed her fingers behind her back when lying to him. Unless she does that whenever she's acting in front of Waller's security cameras because acting is inherently lying and Harley is superstitious about lying without crossing her fingers. I want to declare that but I can't because Tony S. Daniel helped plot this book.

Harley talking about her period? Check!

The careful reader will arrive at the panel above and think, "Wait. Didn't Deathstroke emerge from the water wielding two machetes? Why is he now armed with nunchucks?" The Deathstroke fan will arrive at the above panel and think, "FUCK YEAH THIS IS SO BADASS MOTHERFUCKER I'M SPRAYING CUM ALL OVER THE WALLS!"

On the next page of the battle, Deathstroke loses the nunchucks and he pulls his swords back out. I'm not a tactical genius and I've only ever pretended to read The Art of War when I needed to make a quote to bolster my side of an argument so I probably shouldn't critique Deathstroke on how often he switches his weapons in battle. I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Prison security breaks up the fight and Slade slips away with Harley to go find Waller. But to get to Waller, Slade has to deal with a bunch of bad guys who don't have super villain names. That's a good thing because that means they can die! So now he pulls out two handguns and blows them all away. Too bad he couldn't have done that to Black Manta and Deadshot! Stupid New 52 rules against killing members of the Suicide Squad.

Christ, Harley! Enough with the menstruation talk!

An inmate named Snakebite has kidnapped Waller. He's just a guy who forgot that Copperhead already existed so he's really not that big a deal. Wow. So you have a snake head instead of a human head! And it's not just a mask like Copperhead's was! Oh wait! Copperhead's snake head isn't a mask anymore either thanks to more of The New 52 rules which state, "No super power shall exist only in weapon form. It must be intrinsic to the character. As such, all anthropomorphic costumes must appear as an actual physical change to the character, e.g. Bronze Tiger and Copperhead." I'm pretty sure those were editorial mandates. So Snakebite is just a bit too late on the whole exciting Weresnake frontier.

A fleet of helicopters are heading toward Belle Reve so it's time for Slade to get the fuck out. Good thing he paid his accomplice to help out in this situation. And his accomplice? Catwoman. Poor, poor Catwoman. She couldn't resist the lure of a big bag of gold even though it meant appearing in another shitty comic book. I suppose she suffered through the Ann Nocenti years for free, so why not make a little coin by letting Tony S. Daniel and his sidekick James Bonny write her?

Wait? He forgot he hired her?

Deathstroke 12 Rating: No change. I suppose if you want to read about Deathstroke killing people and fighting other super villains to a draw, you might really enjoy this comic book. Or if you like Harley saying light-hearted things in the thick of intense action and drama, you might sort of enjoy this comic book. Or if you find yourself cheering at full page reveals of new character ideas which are really just copies of past characters with a different name, you might like at least one page in this comic book. If you're into stories that make sense and follow a linear plot and don't try to force Catwoman into the story by assuming she's just as good at breaking into a prison as she is at breaking into an art gallery or a museum, you're probably already avoiding this comic book at all costs. A good rule of thumb to follow is not to buy any comic books that have the name "Daniel" on the cover.

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batman and Robin Eternal #6

More like "Out of the ass!" Batman is totally farting on Robin.

This comic book comes out weekly so I probably don't need to recap what happened last week. We all remember how that one kid did that thing that caused some other thing to thing, right? Okay then!

This issue, it's time to learn a little something about Jason Todd. This is probably the best place to currently learn about him. You don't want to get your Jason Todd information from Red Hood Loves Arsenal because that comic book is a satire. I think. Anyway, you also don't want to get your information from the 1985 Who's Who comic book. This is my favorite line from Jason Todd's Robin entry: "His reasoning and detective skills are weak". Ha ha! Insulted by his own biography!

Actually, I meant to say "poor, sweet little Jason" and not "ha ha" if you're a Jason Todd fan. If you aren't, go ahead and read it exactly like I wrote it.

Maybe I was too quick to dismiss the Who's Who entry.

Dick and Jason are investigating the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer by a Whirlwind because that's where Harper and Cass were recently attacked by Orphan. That's also where Batman and Robin tracked down the Scarecrow several years ago but then lost him. It's also where my mind boggles at who congregates at this church! I did some extremely limited research with Lord Google but that only led me to some sites about the Carmelites and then to photos of the Carmelite Monastery in Santa Clara, California. I grew up across the street from it and it continues to fascinate me. But I don't think they were worshiping any Thunderers. Although for a few months, some graffiti remained on the outside wall directly across the street from my house that read "Satan worshipers," so you never know!

Dick remembers back when he and Batman were trying to stop the Scarecrow from escaping to Prague in his prop plane. But it's not a story that he should probably tell to Jason because it ends with Dick almost, but not actually, being blown to pieces. He especially shouldn't bring it up because it apparently led to an around the world chase because Batman couldn't allow the Scarecrow to get away with almost killing his sidekick! Hearing that might hurt Jason Todd's poor little heart. (If you're a Jason Todd fan, just go to the next paragraph now.) Are all the Jason Todd fans gone now? Okay, now we can all laugh at him and call him a big baby! Wah wah! Batman likes Dick Grayson so much better! Nobody loves me! Boo hoo! Hmm, that was probably a little much, wasn't it? Now I just sound like an asshole! I can't help it! I don't want to hate Jason Todd but my hands are tied! DC has chosen to give me Scott Lobdell's Jason Todd and nearly no other representation of him! I would be a fool to care about him! Or Tim Drake for that matter!

Batman catches Robin in the Batwing instead of letting Robin fall to his death. That probably could have gone unmentioned, right? Since Dick is alive in the future and just remembering this part? Although Jason Todd is also alive in the future and he had his brains knocked out by a crowbar before being blown to tiny little bits and he's still around to remember stuff!

This is part of the memory that Dick doesn't remember but the reader gets to enjoy because this Maxwell guy is super suspicious! Aren't all characters introduced casually near the beginning of a mystery always the person behind it all?!

Maxwell tells Bruce about his wife Alicia. It turns out she's just one of Mother's products. Is Batman and Robin Eternal based on Futurama?

Maxwell is all, "Dude! She's been programmed to do anything I want! You should get one!" And Bruce is all, "I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Except he just says that part in his head and tries to remember to punch Maxwell in his disgusting face later after he puts the costume back on. Maxwell also mentions that he picked Alicia up at the Perfect Wife store in Prague! Bruce is all, "Oh! I've always wanted to go to...um...Germany?" And Maxwell is all, "Um, yes or the other country. The one next to it. Spain? Um, anyway, Mother owns that store and you should probably be realizing that Scarecrow was going there right about now and putting all of the variables into a satisfactory equation that equals justice!"

I find it unsavory that Maxwell is comparing grooming Dick to endanger himself in the fight against justice to purchasing a woman lacking any free will as a sex slave! I think.

Oh! So that's what this story is about! You know how fully 75% of Batman stories (I did the math on the calculator in my brain!) are about comparing the bad guy to Batman to show how Batman differs by the thinnest of margins (even though those thin margins are noble and shit)?! This story is about justifying what Batman did to Jason and Dick and Barbara and Tim and all the rest he took under his wing and turned into vigilantes! Now we get to see the evil side of doing the same thing. When it's all said and done, we'll be left feeling relieved that Batman did what was best for these kids instead of how we all feel now which is that he's a monster endangering children and using them to balance the suicidal darkness within!

Later that night, Batman decides to check up on Maxwell and his wife since some big thuggish guy was giving Maxwell the creep eye after Maxwell blabbed about Mother. After hacking into the security cameras at Maxwell's place, he discovers Orphan running around throwing knives at cameras. That's vandalism! Batman gears up and rushes out to stop that jerk! This is also the moment when he first creates the file on Mother. The file which none of the Batkids knew anything about. The one Cassandra Cain had along with her Batgum which she gave to Dick. This must be why Batman never told Robin about it. Because the things he and Mother were doing were too similar and he felt weirded out by it. Plus Mother was in Prague and they were already going there to find the Scarecrow, so why just confuse matters by mentioning it to the kid?

Batman does some research on Alicia and finds that when she was known as Gwendolyn, her family were shot before her eyes. She was kidnapped to be used as a product for rich men later in life. She--and many others--were purposefully orphaned to be shaped into products for Mother.

Since you decided to do it at least two more times, I'm going to guess that you eventually decide you're not guilty of that.

Back to the present, Dick makes the realization that it was the moment they left for Prague when Batman began concealing the Mother thing from him. He then tells Jason Todd that he's going to Prague and that he's not going to tell Harper or Cassandra about all of this mess. Jason Todd, being much smarter than the Who's Who gives him credit for, says, "You realize what you're doing, right? Do I need to make a chart so you can see how you're making all of the same mistakes Batman made? Should I draw a picture of you wearing bat ears? Maybe you should, you know, be honest with everyone? Let us all work this crap out together?" And Dick is all, "No time! No time! I have to get to Prague!" But then he thinks better of it because he knows Babs won't kiss him if he reminds her too much of Batman and he heads out to pick up Harper and Cass on his way.

Mother gets a one panel cameo at the end of the issue but I don't recognize her because she was drawn by Tony S. Daniel but she had lines on her face which totally confused me because I was all, "Is that a man? Is Mother a man? Twist!"

Batman and Robin Eternal #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was the issue that reveals what to expect for the next 46 weeks! Batman is on trial for being a creepy old guy manipulating the lives of children and brainwashing them to act in ways they never would have acted on their own! Or...is he?! Once again, Batman faces off against a twisted mirror image of his own life! Joker! Wrath! Scarecrow! Catwoman...um, probably! And now Mother! Will Batman be found guilty of being gross?! Or will he be judged innocent of creepy intent?! Only a jury of Batkids can decide! Hopefully after they engage in multiple sexual escapades!

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Deathstroke #11

I'm failing to see how the monster variant is any different from the regular Slade.

Last issue ended with Slade Wilson tearing out his own eyeball and telling the Greek Gods to take it or leave it. I guess the gods decided to take it because this issue begins high above Belle Reve where Deathstroke has decided to schedule another useless, unnecessary double splash page.

It wouldn't have made any sense to render Flying Squirrel Deathstroke in anything less than a double page spread. So majestic!

This issue is called "Assault on the Wall" because Deathstroke is going "over the wall" to get into Belle Reve and also because he's going to physically assault a woman named "The Wall." It's okay though! That isn't misogynistic at all because every DC comic book reader knows that Amanda Waller is a total bitch that deserves to be beaten.

Deathstroke mentions how he didn't start this fight but, BY GOD!, he's going to finish it! No woman gets one over on Slade Wilson! Especially after a woman got one over on him in the last story arc which is why, I suppose, he's in such a hurry to beat up on Amanda. I don't know why else he's taking the fight to her. Maybe because she didn't pay him for his Suicide Squad mission that he never should have been on because he wasn't a prisoner? Plus he betrayed the team. Also why would the government hire an assassin when they have loads of meta-criminals at their beck and call in Belle Reve?

I'm probably jumping the gun by asking too many questions! I'm sure it will all be explained on the next few pages across dozens of Narration Boxes. I love when comic books spend all of their time dealing with explication! It's so much easier to understand what's going on.

Of course the comic book flips flop back through time to a day and a half earlier where Deathstroke has decided he needs to remember a whole bunch of stuff so that anybody listening in on his thoughts will be caught up with the story.

I know a lot of comic book reviewers aren't very smart so let me give them all a valuable tip: the more Narration Boxes a writer uses, the worse that writer is. It's practically a universal constant! It's the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Constant!

Slade still can't remember that his son's name is Joseph. And he wonders why his kids hate him!

I would like a panel of the Greek Gods sitting around looking sad while staring at Slade's eye on a marble table. Then maybe Cupid could pipe up and be all, "Wait. Why did we take his offer? Couldn't we have just killed him?"

Rose's home is invaded by armed persons as Deathstroke watches via spy satellite. He then screams at The Inquisitor to make it seem like he cares about his children. Within hours, Slade is cradling a dead body in his arms saying, "My daughter! My daughter! Rose? Was that her name? Yeah, yeah! I'm pretty sure it was Rose!" But the dead body isn't Rose at all! It's Rose's girlfriend who luckily took dying sexy classes. I hate when comic book artists don't draw female corpses in sexy positions where it looks like they're about to come their brains out.

Good work, Tyler! Good work.

The t-shirt is a reminder from Harley Quinn to Deathstroke that they made a horrible deal. I forget what the deal was or why Deathstroke would agree to it without also receiving five million dollars since he once said he doesn't kill for free. Anyway, his part of the deal is to kill Amanda Waller. That's a terrible deal because it means Slade is going to fail! That means his reputation will take a hit and nobody will ever want to hire him again! Even Twat Lobo will shake his head and mutter something about how he'd never let The Code down that bad. It's also possible that Harley will stop Deathstroke from killing Amanda at the last second and say, "Surprise! Happy birthday! Have you ever seen the inside of a clown car?!" Then fucking will happen.

Back in the present, Waller files a missile at Slade but he's prepared! He brought a missile distracting flare gun and a killer line to use as he shoots the flare gun: "Suck on this." Ha ha! That's some writing thirteen year old boys can really appreciate! I mean, I wouldn't have appreciated it at thirteen unless it was said by a sexy lady and she was handing me a sour Charms sucker.

Deathstroke drops an EMP on Belle Reve so that all the electronics are fried. And you know what that means! As soon as all the electronics become useless garbage, the electronic locks on the cells open the cells before becoming useless! That's standard prison etiquette!

I wonder if there was an article about writing "Breaking Into Prison" stories in Horrible Writers Monthly recently? Or is it just a coincidence that Will Pfeifer and Tony S. Daniel both wrote stories with their characters breaking into prison and letting all of the inmates out? I suppose I should just chalk it up to standard breaking into prison writing tropes rather than blame it on a fictional magazine I made up.

Once in the prison (Slade parachuted right through the roof, I think), Slade finds Harley while all of the guards are being murdered by escaped inmates. This is probably where I would point out that Slade is a psychopath for allowing a bunch of guards just doing their jobs to be killed but I don't want to be tsk-tsked by an angry fourteen year old comic book fan.

It doesn't matter that she's crossing her fingers because Slade won't kill Amanda anyway! Amanda has Too Big A Comic Character And Starring In Other Comic Books Immunity!

Slade teams up with Harley because Slade desperately needs to find the daughter he pretends to love. They murder a bunch of inmates because they must be on the floor with the inmates who all have face blindness because none of them seem to know that they're attacking Deathstroke. Another way to say "attacking Deathstroke" is "committing suicide."

Harley has one big breast in the middle of her chest and lips like the bud of a rose.

Deathstroke runs into Deadshot because that's a rivalry that only exists because their names are practically the same. They don't fight for long before Deathstroke realizes that somebody besides Harley left that message on Rose's dead girlfriend. But they don't have time to figure out what's going on because their fight brought them into the fabled "Aquatic Block" of Belle Reve where Black Manta apparently gets to hang out in a vat of water in his armor. Sure, every other time we've seen him, he's been in a cell with no access to his weapons. But this is a prison riot! Of course he would get out of his cell, find his armor (which according to comic book prison layout policy would have been kept in an unlocked locker on the cell block), and go jump in a vat of water in the Aquatic Block to wait for Deathstroke! Because when Deathstroke gets there, Black Manta drags him into a vat to let Slade know that it's "payback time."

Deathstroke #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I have no fucking idea what is going on in this comic book. I think reading it is like soaking your head in a bucket full of chloroform. At first it's intoxicating! But soon you wake up with a headache next to a spilled bucket with your pants around you ankles and every orifice filled with cheese dip. At least I hope that's cheese dip. Oh god. I need to go puke.