Detective Comics #51

And here we have John Romita Jr's rendition of the ever popular "Batman With Gun."

The Review
DC Comics isn't done with Jim Gordon yet! Tomasi still has a pulpy tale to tell starring Jim and his old Marine buddies! It feels like exactly what it was probably written for: to fill the space between Batman coming back and Rebirth hitting the shelves. I don't mind when Detective Comics is actually about the detectives in the Gotham Police Department but I do mind when the detective focused on is Jim Gordon, especially when Gordon has been the focus of this book and Batman for the last year. I'd much rather get a story about Bullock going on a blind date, or Montoya going on a blind date, or Sawyer going on a blind date. In fact, can DC change the title of this comic book to Blind Date Comics?

The Commentary
This issue is called "Our Gordon At War" because Tomasi doesn't have the proper perspective to realize that everybody is sick of Jim Gordon stories. The previous sentence originally read "because nobody can get enough of Jim Gordon stories" but I felt that sarcasm isn't the right way to go. I realize that being sarcastic might confuse the Internet since 95% of the Pie Chart of people reading about comic books on the Internet consists of Self-Diagnosed With Aspergers, Compelled To Play Devil's Advocate, Unintelligent and Belligerent, Offended By Everything, and Simple Troll. The other 5% consists of Super Intelligent People Who Understand Subtlety, Parody, and Sarcasm Who Appreciate The Greatest Comic Book Blog On The Internet. I should clarify for 95% of the internet that by "greatest comic book blog on the internet," I'm referring to this blog, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, and not that Weird Science one where the reviewers feel bad if they have to say a comic book is shit (they also seem to use about 50% of the periods available daily thanks to that Shannara guy).

I have a feeling that after mentioning my blog name, 95% of the people reading this are snorting and saying, "Chai means tea, asshole." By the way, my blog's name is directed at those people. Whether or not they understand it is hardly the point!

I have a feeling that after mentioning the Weird Science blog, I should make it my nemesis since I've forgotten who my previous internet nemesis was. Some other shitty review site that used Vlogs for reviews because their members, apparently, can't read.

This issue begins with a guy running through a crowd in a Gotham street pushing people aside. It serves to remind me that I find something creepy about the way Pasarin draws people. Their bodies aren't quite in proportion and they always have teeny tiny beady eyes. The guy on the run is looking to put Jim Gordon's life in danger. Or warn him of the danger, maybe. I don't really know which is the cart and which is the horse. The guy's name is Berenger and he's one of Jim's old Marine buddies. They apparently buried some Necronomiconesque MacGuffin out in the desert years ago but now everybody involved is dying. To prove he's telling Jim the truth, Berenger dies.

Why are so many henchmen willing to give up their lives for their job? I can't even bother to look busy while I'm waiting for the clock to strike five.

I think that whole bit about not even bothering to look busy is why I don't have a regular job and had to start my own business. Managers hate it when you roll your eyes and make a jerking off motion with your hand every time they speak. I once had a manager cry in a review meeting because I wasn't her friend. Needless to say, I didn't get a raise. I also didn't go to Human Resources about her unprofessional behavior because her sister was head of HR. Instead I just quit not long after. People often talk about the benefits of not having any debt but they seldom mention the greatest benefit of all: telling your current job to shove it at the drop of a hat and releasing yourself from the hell of it all.

The guy dying for his beliefs invoked the name of some person named Amun-Set. I'm an atheist and I have an equal displeasure for all religions save one: The Shakers. Now that's a religion I admire. Or admired? I suppose, according to Princess Wikipedia's supreme knowledge of omnithing, the Shakers are still accepting members even though they technically closed the doors in 1957. That's disappointing! One of the things I admired about them (aside from their belief in the equality of the sexes, their refusal to have children and indoctrinate them into their beliefs, and their cool dance moves) was the fact that they didn't do a whole lot to keep from dying out. I appreciate a religion that doesn't feel the need to recruit new members. I suppose they still aren't recruiting but just accepting novitiates who come of their own free will. So they're still cool with me.

Gordon begins investigating his friend's death but I figure whatever he finds out or doesn't find out, Gordon is going to be grabbing a shovel and heading out to a foreign desert soon.

Eventually Jim makes it to Afghanistan to continue investigating the investigation. I'm still just waiting for him to dig up the skeleton from his past. I mean I'm waiting for the literal digging up and not the whole metaphorical digging up which is just him running around stealing files and asking questions he probably shouldn't be asking.

The secret Jim and his fellow Marines stumbled upon years ago was a temple hidden in the desert where a cult of wackos righteous believers cut strips of skin off of captives to barbecue for Amun-Set or his worldly monsters. That part hasn't been revealed yet! But since everybody is really scared, I can't imagine the enemy is simply human cult members. There's got to be a Mummy or a Jackalwere appearing somewhere in the next half of this story!

Batman #45

Gotham Dance Party!

It's been so long since Commissioner Batman was trapped inside that industrial furnace that I forgot Commissioner Batman became trapped inside an industrial furnace! And Julia Perrywonth was kidnapped while helping him! I think they were after some pig devils or something. How do people who don't take notes on the comic books they read remember what's happening in any of the comics they read?! I created this entire blog simply to remind myself what was happening from month to month. The only problem with that idea was I forgot how much I lie and make things up, so often even after rereading one of my critiques, I don't actually remember what was happening. Take Blackhawks #8, for instance! I'll never remember what actually happened at the end of that series! Thanks, asshole me from three years ago!

Commissioner Batman escapes the furnace using a batarang which is totally what everybody expected. Although he really should look into purchasing a Bat-Grapple for the next time he finds himself at the bottom of a burning pit. Once Commissioner Batman is out of the pit, he still finds he has a dozen thugs to beat up. He fails to beat all of them up. See, his Batsuit can keep him safe when temperatures around him soar to 1000 degrees. But a thug's knife tears straight through that shit. Luckily the Honey Bunny Bat Armor has a seek and destroy mode which Daryl has activated. Also Julia is hanging out with Daryl. I guess she's immune to being kidnapped.

What I'm saying without bothering to scan in any pictures is Jim Gordon gets lucky and survives. And now that we've gotten that out of the way, it's time for Bruce Wayne!

Stop being so middle class, Bruce!

I just realized that I hate Alfred Pennyworth! He's being so selfish by keeping Batman away from everybody. So what if Bruce is finally happy! That's not the real Bruce! When Bruce gets his memory back, he's going to be so pissed off that Alfred didn't bring him around sooner. Because Bruce is Batman and Bruce loves being Batman and Bruce doesn't actually know how to do anything but be Batman. Sure, this guy who thinks he's in love with Madison likes the life he's living. But he and Alfred are the only two! Everybody else wants Batman back! Dick Grayson. Clark Kent. The whole Justice League. The readers. DC Comics' bank account. Everybody! Fuckin' Alfred, man. What a selfish bastard! Give us back Batman! Don't make me wait a full year of Batman and Robin Eternal to get Bruce Wayne back in the batsuit!

Bruce is going to continue to live a boring life for awhile yet, so I guess it's up to Commissioner Batman to entertain me. Except now he's being fired because Geri Powers wants something bigger than just a guy in Batman armor. Her company has developed four new elements that are massive yet stable. I guess Element 206 is named Batmanium. And I suppose Geri wants to make an army of Bat Robots out of it? I'm sure nothing will go wrong and the Powers Company won't wind up nearly destroying the entire city. I trust Scott Snyder to think up stories that can't be guessed by nincompoops on blogs who have, on occasion, put their finger in their butt while showering. Probably special occasions only though!

Later we learn that Daryl knows Duke Thomas somehow. Maybe because they're both black?

It looks like the Robins are going to have access to even better, more dangerous technology now!

Meanwhile back at the rec center, Bruce Wayne turns all of the Batcave trophies brought out into the light by The Joker into a bunch of playground equipment. That guy has really lost his edge!

And then it's time for Geri Powers city meeting on Batman. It's time to announce Batmanium! Or whatever. Maybe she's going to announce her candidacy for Ruler of Gotham. She starts talking like Bruce used to talk about how Batman needs to be a constant in Gotham and how he's bigger than just one man or one generation. But before she can get to the programmable robots stalking the city streets, the Bat Blimp crashes through the window behind her and Mister Bloom steps out. Oh! Maybe he's announcing his candidacy for Ruler of Gotham!

Batman #45 Rating: No change. Where are all the smart people to tell me what the fuck is going on in this comic book?! Why Mister Bloom? What does he represent? Why is he the current archenemy of this story? Is he a foil for Commissioner Gordon? Or is he just representative of evil planting its seeds across the city? I think I've been far too facetious since Commissioner Gordon took over the role of Batman and I've lost the thread of why Gordon is the Batman that Gotham needs right now. Or is all of this what Gordon needs right now? Who's been paying close enough attention to explain to me why this story matters?! Somebody else do the work for once! Anybody?!

Detective Comics #41

Insert toothy blowjob joke here.

Detective Comics has become a comic book about Harvey Bullock which I am completely for. Batman starring Jim Gordon doesn't work because Jim Gordon is not Batman nor has he put in the time to be Batman. I get that Batman #41 was basically Snyder's essay trying to convince the reader to buy into it. But I'm stubbornly not going to. But this comic book is called Detective Comics and Harvey Bullock is a detective so it's okay for Harvey to be the star of this comic book. Rules. I just love rules! If you're reading my Detective Comic book reviews in order and you just read the Endgame issue, just ignore everything I said in that one about how I love anarchy because today I'm into rules! The more rules the better! Especially if the main punishment for breaking rules is spanking.

This issue begins with Harvey about to have sex while Commissioner Batman battles a guy in a Halloween skeleton costume. At least I think it's Harvey! He's got a bit of a gut and stubble and he's going on a bit about how crazy it is that he's about to have sex with a dead woman. Or a supposedly dead woman because the woman must be Yip. Who else is currently interested in Harvey Bullock? Who else has ever been interested in Harvey Bullock?! He's a slob!

Don't worry! This is sex from the guy's point of view so the comic didn't get a Teen Plus rating.

Commissioner Batman blows up and apparently Harvey does too because he turns on the light and tells Yip their date is over. That's when the comic book flashes back to three weeks ago so readers can get caught up on why Yip would let Harvey put his Bullock in her Nancy.

Three weeks ago Commissioner Maggie Sawyer asked Harvey Bullock to lead the Commissioner Batman team. But Harvey doesn't want to play second fiddle to a guy playing a huge armored fiddle with bunny rabbit ears. Unless that armored fiddle player is Jim Gordon, of course. But Jim has yet to agree to be Commissioner Batman. I guess, three weeks ago, Jim was still on leave after the whole killing two hundred civilians in the line of duty fiasco. Until Jim returns, Harvey wants to keep searching for the real Batman but Commissioner Maggie won't let him. So Harvey goes back to his old job where he pouts, eats danishes, and grumbles a lot.

Two weeks ago, Maggie is pressing Jim to find out if he's decided to be Commissioner Batman yet. The suspense is killing me! Will he accept?! Won't he?! Oh wait. I already read Batman #41 and the first few pages of this comic which reveal that he will eventually accept. Also the Sneak Peeks of Batman and Detective Comics spoiled it. I guess it isn't supposed to be a tense moment at all. Which means what? This is just filler?!

One week ago, Bullock starts a brawl between some bikers and some off-duty cops in a "cop bar." Fuck you with the "cop bar" and keeping non-cops out of it. If I were the owner, I'd...well, since the owner is probably a retired cop, I'd probably allow the cops to run off all of the other customers. Montoya is there as well. Doesn't that lesbian know this is a cop bar?!

I think Montoya eating tacos is a lesbian joke in bad taste? Or is that my bad taste just coloring an innocent taco eating scene?

I hope no civilians come along and try to order tacos off of that Cop Taco Truck!

Zero weeks ago, Harvey and Renee and Yip have all been assigned to Team Batman. They're arrived at the big Commissioner Batman Versus Skeleton Man fight and it's time to end this comic book somehow. I'm not even sure what it's been about so far! Convincing Bullock to be part of the team? Reintroducing Renee Montoya to The New 52? Sorry! To the DCyou? Getting Yip reinstated after shooting that Anarky kid? Oh! That's what it's been about! Forming a team. I guess the final beat will be something about trust or what's gonna work?

Um, teamwork! Teamwork is gonna work!

The final page returns to one week ago so that Renee can reveal to Harvey that Jim will be Batman. The reader is also allowed to overhear a phone call to Yip from somebody telling her to kill them all. I guess that's why Yip has to be "killed" in the Sneak Peek. Because somebody has their hooks in here. But I'm sure by faking her death in the Sneak Peek, it'll allow her to be free of whoever is blackmailing her to kill cops. Probably. Or maybe Harvey, just like every other character in DC Comics, isn't allowed to be in a relationship for very long. He had sex with Yip and that's enough, Harvey. You know what happens next. Somebody get another fridge!

Detective Comics #41 Rating: No change. Nothing really happened in this issue. The Sneak Peek turned this issue into preamble and most of it was preamble that wasn't even needed. I wish Gouverneur Morris had written this preamble! Then it probably would have concentrated on the sex between Harvey and Yip which would have been more exciting than twenty pages of Harvey Bullock refusing to be on Team Batman.

Batman #41

What should I call Commissioner Gordon Batman? Commissioner Batman? BatJim? Twat Batman?

Batman died in Issue #40. Wink, wink. So now we've got Commissioner Gordon in an armored Batsuit developed by some place called Powers International. How long do you think Scott Snyder and DC Comics can keep the fans interested in a Batman title without Batman? Unlike Gotham, they don't even have a young Bruce Wayne masturbating furiously every episode about how his first kiss could have led to something more, like maybe a little over the clothing ass touching, or a bit of shirt-covered boob pressing up against his arm. I hope next season has at least one scene of an obviously disgusted Alfred mentioning having just changed Young Masturbating Bruce's sheets.

This issue begins with some kind of Doom Patrolesque monster robbing Gotham Credit Union. Or just beating up the building for reasons beyond the reader's probable human understanding. It's two stories tall, has see-thru skin, speaks in static, and has a small sun as its heart. The Gotham Police are keeping an eye on it while they wait for Commissioner Batman to arrive. Jim Gordon begins having Batmanesque Narration Box Thoughts because that's what main characters do now, I suppose. I'm not a fan of them because they promote lazy comic book writing but many people seem to like hearing the internal monologue of the main character even when it almost always makes no sense that they would be thinking the things being thought in the current situation. And many of the Narration Box Monologues are voiced in such a way that they're obviously the character talking to the reader from a future point where they've already experienced the story the reader is currently reading. Those are annoying. Also, they're places where the writer gets to explain the great idea they thought up that they want the audience to understand but they're not sure the audience will even notice it. Because, let's face it, if the words weren't there to slow the reader down, they'd consume the comic book in two minutes, set it down, pick up the next comic book in their stack, and never give the writer's story another thought until next month when they spend two minutes with the next part of the story.

Yes, Commissioner Batman. I'm sure that's exactly what Static Throat the Jelly Beast was thinking. Although second best possibility? "I'm going to stick my dick inside this credit union and glaze the fucking walls!"

Last issue began with a bunch of mourners shining Batsignal flashlights into the air where lots and lots of Batsignals appeared. I didn't call bullshit on that last issue because I have a policy not to trash Scott Snyder books because of the handies he gives me at Comic Book Conventions. But Capullo busted in on us last time and punched me in the face while screaming, "Synder's silky soft hands are for me, you punk motherfucker!" So now I can say that the whole shining a flashlight into the air and seeing some kind of light is bullshit. I used to shine a flashlight into the night sky as a kid because I wanted to alert aliens that I was down here on Earth. You couldn't see anything at all! But I would do it for awhile and then I'd begin to get nervous that aliens really would see it and then they'd come down and abduct me and so I'd sprint inside and hide under the covers.

Parts of that last paragraph were true but I won't reveal which parts. You can probably figure it out though.

The voice on the other end of the Bat-Radio is Julia Pennyworth. I guess she's decided to stick around Gotham for awhile, probably still trying to convince her dad to put his hand back on. It's going to be awfully difficult to stitch up Batman with just one hand. Except Batman is dead so I guess that doesn't matter.

You know what I just realized I'm not really interested in? Commissioner Gordon in a Batsuit!

But Geri Powers is going to try to convince me otherwise!

I'm sorry too, Geri. I don't buy it. Except that I did buy it. For $4.99. Dammit. Maybe I can convince myself that I like it.

Commissioner Gordon decides to consult with Harvey Bullock because Harvey is a guy you can bounce ideas off of and never feel threatened that he's going to have anything to say that's smarter than anything you can say. Having stupid friends is the best! You'd never wonder why I think I'm God's Gift to the Internet if you had to listen to Doom Bunny for ten minutes! He's all, "Sports are fun! And the beer is for drinking! I don't need to be entertaining because I have kids who say entertaining things so I can just relate their stories and people will think I'm entertaining too! I go on date-nights with the wife! My best friend is an asshole that writes fucked up shit about me on the internet! Why is he even my friend? Why did I allow him to be my best man at my wedding?! I almost didn't get Honeymoon Poontang because of his stupid toast! He's such an arrogant, self-righteous dickhead!"

Gordon convinces himself to be Batman because he'd be protecting all of the other potential recruits by keeping them out of the suit. I wish Bullock would put on an armored Robinsuit.

Commissioner Gordon continues to battle Static the Bio-Monster between flashbacks of how he came to be wearing the armor. The person in his ear isn't Julia Pennyworth; it's Julia Perry. Of course! I wanted Commissioner Batman to be tied into the Batman character more than he obviously could be. He wouldn't know of Penny-One or Penny-Two or the Giant Penny or anything. I mean, he probably could know about it if he wanted to know about it but since he chooses to ignore the fact that Batman was Bruce Wayne, he doesn't know about Alfred or Julia. Unless he does. But he doesn't acknowledge it! He just plays stupid. So his Julia is some other Julia working for Powers International. He also has some other guy named Daryl also speaking to him over the Bat-Radio. He's also introduced later as the kid who designed the Armored Bunny suit. Maybe I should be calling Batman "Commissioner Bunnyman"?

Geri finishes her "convince the Commissioner to get involved" speech by answering Jim's "none of this is Batman" with "No, Readers, it's not. But if you want to maintain the completeness of your Batman comic book collection, you're going to have to try to accept that." Well, fuck you, Geri! Maybe I don't care about accepting it! Maybe I'll stop reading Batman because not everything that comes out of Scott Snyder's dick is gold! Maybe I don't want to read a Batman book without Batman in it!

Well, the old baseball player accepts the new Batman. But I'm not some old beat-up has-been! My Batman throws Batarangs! He doesn't shoot them out of a gun! I hate Commissioner Batman!

The final page shows a guy sitting on a park bench and some other guy with a briefcase passing by who stops, turns, and asks, "Bruce Wayne?"

Batman #41 Rating: -1 Ranking. This negative ranking isn't because of the quality of the comic book. It's a good book. The drop in rank is because I'm taking a stand against a Batman book without Batman! I refuse to be convinced by Scott Snyder with his story trying to convince the reader to buy into this concept. I'm with the guy at the end asking for Bruce Wayne back!

Batman Eternal #2

I have discovered the main problem with weekly books. One week is too soon to reread my own commentaries. I find myself skimming them because they're still fresh in my mind which means I'm not editing them properly.

Do you realize we live in a social climate where it's not only okay to ruin somebody's life over an opinion they might express, it's often held up as heroic? We also live in a cultural climate where we've forgotten what the actual meaning of terrorism is because we're told by newscasters and talking heads, day in and day out, that terrorism is brown people with bombs. But that in itself is not terrorism. It's part of it, sure. But terrorism isn't just about physical violence committed on random people. It's about creating a cloud of fear that causes people to change the way they act and to change the way they do things because they're afraid of the repercussions. The brown people with bombs aren't blowing things up just because they hate our way of life. There is an absolute objective behind the killing of innocent people. That objective is to get us to change our lifestyle because we're now afraid to do or say certain things. So creating a social environment where people are afraid to say or do certain things because their lives will be ruined for voicing an opinion is terrorism.

Freedom of speech is steadily being worn away. We're going the wrong way when we begin to declare that people can't say certain things because other people might be offended by those things. It's an extension of overprotective parenting, writ large on the entire populace. What we actually need is tougher skin. We need to be able to shrug off the person ranting crazily in the corner rather than feeling the need to bring them to utter ruin for expressing an unpopular opinion. Freedom of speech is meant to allow even the most vile opinions to be expressed. It's like a release valve on a high pressure system. Hateful, horrible, derogatory opinions need to be defended by somebody. Jesus Christ, people. If I have to hear one more person explain how even if you accidentally step on somebody's toes, you should apologize, I'm going to go on a toe stomping rampage!

Yes, I get that shouting down somebody with an idiotic opinion is also freedom of speech. And I have no problems with somebody calling an idiot an idiot. I do it here on my blog all the time! And we always have the power to vote with our wallets, denying patronage to those with which we do not agree. But I have to believe we're acting like righteous assholes when we demand somebody's life in retribution for our hurt feelings or offended sensibilities. We like to think of words as powerful weapons. Because they are. But you know what? It's not true of every situation. Sometimes words are just words, easily ignored or countered with more words.

Although I can really get behind a good blood sacrifice every now and again. That whole scapegoat thing was actually a pretty good idea. You know, when it was an actual goat and not just some idiot on Twitter.

Now that everybody reading this has been offended because they're absolutely sure I was talking about them (because I was. I'm not letting anybody off the hook! Except myself. Geez, I'm not a complete monster), I'm going to talk about Batman!

I think Snyder decided he would begin each week with a shitty comic book cliche. Here we get the mysterious person recognized by a character on panel but whose identity is not revealed to the reader. Although it's probably Bruce Wayne.

On pages two and three, that thing happens that I said was going to be the real bad thing that's going to happen: the media begins printing speculation. Sure, sure. They're actually just printing the truth. "Gordon was arrested at scene of subway pile-up." But that doesn't mean shit, does it? Why was he arrested? What happened? How the fuck was Gordon actually the cause of this? In a world without investigative reporters who, in just minutes, would realize that Jim shooting one bullet into some electrical panel that runs the lights of the subway platform wouldn't have caused this mess, journalists just have to print the story told to them by any crooked cop on the force. I don't know exactly what Vicki Vale's story says but what can be seen in the one panel where she posts it, the headline seems to say, in part, "Gordon Guilty." Yeah. Fuck journalism.

Now all over the world, friends and daughters of Jim Gordon are shitting their Bat-Pants. "How can this be true and not a total frame-up job by dirty cops and crooked politicians seeing how this is the shithole Gotham where the only real danger is truth?" gasps everybody but Jason Todd. Jason Todd just says, "Yo! Another round! I warned those assholes."

Batman tries to convince Gordon that everything will work out. Gordon, who has seen the injustice that the Gotham Judicial System can perpetrate, knows that he's probably fucked. Even if it wasn't just a mistake made by an exhausted police officer. Even if he was framed. Even if anything proves he isn't actually responsible for all the deaths in the subway. Jim Gordon is still sitting in a prison cell in Gotham City and that never bodes well for anyone, especially when they're decent and/or innocent.

Using violence and intimidation and fear, the Mystery Man was responsible for getting Hady the job of mayor. I guess it's not Bruce Wayne!

Meanwhile the Spectre is wandering around the subway tunnels investigating evil and stealing the memories of Gotham Police Officers. It's a decent job if you can get it. At least somebody is doing some actual investigating instead of jumping to conclusions and scaping goats. Even if he's working for a Scottish Terrier.

Some weird shit is also happening in Arkham Asylum to Doctor Phosphorus. And I think it's being perpetrated by The New 52 Reboot of Jesse Custer!

This is the destiny of all characters tainted by Ann Nocenti.

Batman, being the only real investigator in Gotham, continues to try to figure out what really happened in that subway system. Catwoman drops by to try to help. Or try to distract him. Or for some food. Or to play. Or to be let outside. Who the fuck can ever tell what a cat wants?! Just stop staring at me!

While Catwoman rubs up against Batman's crotch, Batman realizes he knows the guy with the rose tattoo on his face, the guy that led Jim into the subway. The guy is connected to the guy that helped Mayor Hady and flooded Gotham with violence and blood. I still don't know who it is! I guess if Snyder doesn't reveal who it is by the end of this issue, I don't really have to wait too long before he does! Weekly!

Oh wait. He reveals who it is on the last page. It's Carmine Falcone. I suppose with the cat scratches on his face and Selina's reaction to his name, we're still supposed to believe he's New 52 Selina's father? Also, is Vicki Vale's boss, Mario, his son? That would go a long way to explaining his lousy ability to manage the Gotham Gazette.

Batman Eternal #2 Rating: No change. I suppose if I were a bigger Batman fan, this would all be terribly exciting with the big reveals and whatnot and such and such. But when the big twist is that Batman is going to be facing off against human threats that are evil because they're greedy and evil instead of costumed super threats that are evil because they're actually just really fucking mentally ill, it's a bit of a letdown. I like seeing Batman fight costumed enemies, not criminal overlords. Even if this criminal overlord is so horrible that even Batman seems taken aback. Maybe if I was a Batman: Year One fan, I would have shit my pants in excitement over the return of Falcone. But, alas, I'm not. Or I just don't remember it as well as I should. I have that problem at times. I see he was also a player in The Long Halloween, according to Lord Google and Princess Wikipedia. I've never read The Long Halloween. I picked it up off of a friend's shelf to read one time but put it back because I'm not a fan of Tim Sale's art. I also probably had a hangover.

Batman #27

If only this were the actual Batman.

Commissioner Gordon: "Batman! We need your help! The Joker was seen gassing strangers at the downtown cineplex!"
Batman: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
Commissioner Gordon: "Batman? Batman? Downtown! Danger! Evil! Help!"
Batman: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKK!"
Commissioner Gordon: "Hey, um, Harvey? Do you, by chance, have you the number of Batwoman? Batgirl? Robin? I'll take a Robin at this point!"

This issue begins in Tokyo in 1946, of course. Why the fuck not?! Has anybody checked on Scott Snyder lately? Who's turning in his scripts? Does he have a habit of getting blackout drunk? Does he even fucking remember that he was busy with a Riddler story? I guess The Riddler is like caulk. He's just filling in the gaps between The Red Hood and the Doctor Boner stories. And now maybe he's starting a new story over in Japan.

Is she making a Bat Signal or an Owl Signal?!

Maybe Snyder didn't like that, in his $3.99 book, he has to write two pages more than the other lazy writers at DC so he decided to fill them with stories that don't make any fucking sense! Last issue, it was some secret hidden base in the desert with giant Ben Wa Balls that house prisoners. This time, it's a foxy lady singing to American GIs overseas. Oh, I'm sure it'll all make sense at some point. If it is indeed Snyder still writing this comic book!

Seriously. Has anybody spoken to him face to face recently? I'm worried.

After the detour through Tokyo, the comic begins where the last one left off. The police are shooting the shit out of Batman and they know all of his getaway tactics. He can't get Alfred on the radio and he's desperate to find a way to retreat. He manages to blast his way out to sea underwater using an air tank with the nozzle knocked off. And that's where he meets the guy that's going to become a pretty good friend. Eventually. And lover. Probably eventually.

Jimbo Gordon!

Batman was shot at and nearly blown up so many times in the last few pages that my suspension of disbelief short-circuited. So now I'm left with rationalizing how he survived this set-up by the Gotham Police and I can only come to one conclusion. He did not survive. He was killed and his body floated out to see where Gordon, now insane from the long hours and the criminals use of strange gases and having to deal with nearly complete corruption in the force, pulls Batman's lifeless body onto his boat while hallucinating that Batman is still alive. In other words, Batman died six years ago and Batman is Commissioner Gordon's Tyler Durden. Bruce Wayne still exists because, after months had passed and Bruce failed to come home, Alfred knew he was finally, truly gone. So he found a homeless man that looked like Bruce Wayne, cleaned him up, and tells him what to do for a nice weekly salary. Alfred figured as long as people thought Bruce was still alive, the paychecks would continue to clear. Especially now that Bruce had seen fit to give him a 10,000% raise.

As Gordon drives Batman's corpse back to the shore, he tells it about when he first met Bruce Wayne. It's the perfect story to pass the time because it's the coat that Gordon received that day which led Bruce to think Gordon couldn't be trusted years later. Of course, Gordon probably keeps the coat as a reminder to stay warm and dry.

Gordon finds what you'd expect to find: clothing, cops, and dog fighting.

As Gordon finishes his story, he turns around to find that Batman's corpse has fallen out of the boat. Gordon believes he somehow stealthily disappeared which is why Gordon always thinks Batman suddenly appears and disappears when he's really just a fucking figment of his imagination.

Back at the Batcave, Alfred lays a theory on Bruce that Bruce doesn't want any help from anybody because he's angry with them all and he's punishing them by making them watch him save everybody and nearly die every night. But I don't know how to keep up the ruse that Batman is dead when describing this scene or scanning it so now I'm angry at it. How dare it ruin my fun? Why wasn't somebody there to stop it from ruining my fun? Why couldn't Scott Snyder write it in such an ambiguous way that I could continue to live out my Batman is Dead ruse? I'm so angry. I'm going to punish my comic book. I'm going to make it watch as I masturbate every night, dangerously and angrily and out of vengeance and darkness!

Oh! Also, Alfred explains what was happening out in the desert with Bruce Wayne inside the giant Ben Wa Balls! Bruce Wayne had been sighted and Uncle Phil was sending mercenaries to pick him up. So Alfred spent all of his money out of his Secret Tin to hire a courier to get a phone to Bruce Wayne so that Alfred could warn him that somebody was coming to drag him back to Gotham and force him to become a boring fucking business man. So that's what that was all about. I still don't know what was going on with the singer in Tokyo and the American G.I.

Batman has a hunch he knows where Doctor Boner's hideout is located, so he heads to some Catacombs and finds a lab. But instead of finding Doctor Boner's big plan, he finds The Riddler's big plan which is just a bigger plan on top of Doctor Boner's big plan since Doctor Boner is working for Edward Nygma.

I'm finding making dick jokes about Scott Snyder's Batman is difficult. Notice I didn't say hard? That would have been inappropriate to the gravitas of this comic book. What is gravitas? Is that like gravy?

The Riddler floods the lab and believes that The Batman has drowned because this is the first time The Riddler has ever attempted to kill Batman. He'll know better next time (and even more better the time after that!) that The Batman is not an easy person to kill. And maybe he'll make his riddles a little extra harder because of it. But at least The Riddler left a few more clues so that Batman can stop his major plan which is some kind of Doomsday Machine in Three Parts. The Riddler's clues are "Gotham's Bones" which might mean its foundation and/or its penis, "Gotham's Blood" which probably means the electrical system, and "Gotham's Bowels" which is obviously the sewers.

Batman #27 Rating: No change. The Next Month Blurb mentions a glimpse into the future of Batman Eternal. DC, your Weekly Comics had better count as four each out of the fifty-two or else I'm going to have to begin making some cutbacks. Um, also, Batman was pretty good but I still wish I were reading the entire story at one time.

Batgirl #26

It's Christmas Eve! This issue doesn't look very Christmasy.

I wish I was getting fucked up on Eggnog right now except I still have to work later tonight, so I probably shouldn't make myself sick. Can a person get sick from the alcohol in Eggnog before they simply get sick of the Egg and the Nog or whatever the fuck is in that stuff. I don't believe I've ever tried Eggnog before in my life! Eggnog backwards is, phonetically, ganja. Okay, it isn't really. It's ganga. But fuck you for actuallying me on Christmas, you nerds.

Yes, yes! I "actually" mean Christmas Eve! Lay off!

I'm only really arguing with the voices in my head now, aren't I?

I'm asking Lord Google about Eggnog now since his name is very similar. Oh man. Now I know why there is alcohol in it. Some jerk came up with a drink made of milk and whipped eggs and everybody else was like, "Oh yeah. This is, um, terrific, Sven!" And when Sven, beaming from ear to ear, turned his back on the crowd to go whip up some more in the kitchen, everybody took out their flasks and started spiking that shit. "If I'm going to drink this asshole's whipped egg drink, I'm very well not going to do it sober!"

It just seems to me that the inventor of eggnog was probably named Sven. Sven Eggnogdotterson.

So, what was Babs up to recently? She'd killed her brother and pissed off her father and failed to stop her boyfriend from winding up in the hospital and given up the name Batgirl. She also hung out with Nightwing in his Annual trying to solve a really simple case. Although I think the artist might have fucked up on that issue which is why the case was so easy to figure out but Dick and Babs were still having a difficult time with it. Or they were just so nerved up from all of the sexual tension in the room that they couldn't think straight. "Hey, why is the killer's name on the list of the killer's victims?! Oh man I hope Dick accidentally rubs up against me and I feel movement!" Oh, also Babs had a new Villain Group after her composed of all the villains she had defeated up until this point and being led by Knightfall. I think that's all the plot points I need to remember! And those are all from my own memory since I reread my commentary for Issue #25 but it didn't have anything to do with the Wanted story arc. Also, it didn't really have much of anything to do with Issue #25! I wonder if I should be taking medication?

Oh yeah! First they were going after Gordon because of something to do with gangs and black market weapons sales and detective work.

I'm really looking forward to Charles Soule's She-Hulk! I don't know why that just popped into my head. I need to concentrate on one comic book at a time here. No wonder I can barely remember anything from month to month.

You know what else is kind of exciting and mildly titillating? The last issue of Katana is next on my stack! So excited to see that comic book end! And that's speaking as a huge fan of the character! Barr and Aparo's Batman and the Outsiders was my first monthly comic book I collected as a wee lad!

So the villains attacking Gordon are The Grotesque (although I'm not sure which one that is. The devil looking guy?), Gretel (the woman with green hair), Bonersmasher (the woman in the domino mask with all the muscles), Bleak Michael (who I think is outside standing guard and acting dour), and The Mirror (maybe? Was that his name? Is he there? Somebody is in a hood or something). There might be more but those are all that I can remember. And Katharsis moved on to Coral City, so she's decided not to take part.

Batgirl crashes through the window on her motorcycle to save her father. She didn't want to appear as Batgirl but it was the only outfit she had seeing as how the Batgirlcave was really just her van. I wonder if Batgirl is going to have to fight Commissioner Gordon at the same time she fights her real enemies? I can see that happening because I still haven't forgiven Gail Simone for that final panel in the first issue of Batgirl. You know the one? The stupid one. I'd describe it more accurately than that but I blacked it out with a Sharpie marker a long time ago.

Oh, here's a handy tip to make early issues of Red Hood and the Outlaws more enjoyable! Black out all of Roy Harper's Narration Boxes! It improves the comic by about 600%. I did the maths.

My best friend Paul from high school did this exact same thing once when some guy attacked us in the only fight I've ever been in. He didn't nail the back flip though. Also, he was just on my BMX Mongoose.

I don't want to go into the whole account of my only fight ever (besides, I'm sure I've already written about it in some other commentary somewhere. You can dig through all 1300+ commentaries to find it yourself) but I will say that I beat two guys with my Hosoi Skateboard and made them flee before me. And if you've ever ridden a Hosoi board, you know the only thing they're really good for is as a weapon. Those boards were fucking heavy. The only thing I regret about that night is that I didn't yell "By Crom!" as I was swinging the board.

Batgirl runs down Bonerbreaker and severs the artery in Gretel's arm in three separate places. The Grotesque just stands buy grinning but I think that's a mask so he might actually be crying. Jim and Babs decide to flee but run into this big jerk.

Great fucking super power, sir. "Look at your reflections! LOOK AT THEM! SO MANY OF THEM! You'll go MAAAAAD!"

Batgirl hurls a batgirlarang into The Mirror's eye because that worked so well against her brother James. But this time, the weapon is filled with explosives and blows up in his face. Wow! I guess Batgirl figured she accidentally already killed one person, who the fuck cares if anybody else dies at Batgirl's hands? Or maybe I should just take it on faith the way I never take it on faith with The Goddamned Batman that these assholes actually know what they're doing. "Oh, oh! We never kill! Break bones? Maim flesh? Nearly bleed out? Sure, sure! But we never finish them off! Once the hospital gets them, it's not our fault if they die! That's what malpractice insurance is for!"

Batgirl reminds me that this group of villains is called The Disgraced. I knew they had a suitably "we sucked the first time around" name but I just couldn't come up with it. Batgirl gives her father some intel on the villains and she mentions that The Mirror is the most dangerous. What? No way! She must be joking! Sure, he killed a lot of people. But all he does is open his cape and yell shit!

Ha ha! "You can walk now!" Good one, Gail! Oh, you don't have to pretend it wasn't on purpose for my sake! I'm cool with tasteless "remember how Babs used to be in a wheelchair" jokes!

Meanwhile, Knightfall has a back-up plan. If The Disgraced fail again (which, I think, their name may imply a really good possibility of that happening), Bleak Michael is to burn down Gordon's house with everybody inside. This Knightfall is a jerk. Too bad for her Commissioner Gordon knocks out Bleak Michael when Gordon takes his My Little Batsignal toy out to the yard to shine a tiny Batsignal in the sky. I wonder if Tiny Batman will respond?

After Batgirl lays down a serious ass kicking, Knightfall calls The Disgraced home. Now they're going to have to think up an even worse name for themselves! And then Gordon sticks a gun in Batgirl's face and tells her she's under arrest. What a dick move! But Babs turns it around on him and points out that sometimes people have to make tough decisions to save other people. Just like Jim did earlier, putting whats-his-name in a coma. Arnold? Samson? Villa Alegre?

Does anybody remember that show? Villa Alegre? The theme song is now in my head! Oh, anyway. That moment between Jim and Batgirl:

Oh, he knows who you are, Babs. He just doesn't want you taking away his Parental Deniability! Parents know things but they don't want to admit to knowing those things so they block them out and pretend to not know them! Don't spoil that for him!

Afterword while James Gordon Junior is hanging out with Knightfall, Barbara gets a call from Ricky's mother (oh yeah! Ricky!) that he's out of his coma and all better! The end!

Batgirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. Batgirl ends this issue realizing that she's regained her hope and her strength. I don't really care that much about the hope part of it but I'm glad that she really went balls tits out on the fight against The Disgraced. Her judgment is better and she's not pulling any punches or doubting herself. She's really come together and seems to know what needs to be done against each particular bastard she goes up against. It'll be nice to have a Batgirl with her confidence back. I bet she's even ready to have sex! Good thing Ricky's awake! The worst part about this issue is that Alysia didn't get to make any jokes or even make any appearances for that matter. I'm glad I have my declaration of Alysia being my favorite character of The New 52 time-stamped via my commentaries so I can point out how everybody else jumped on the "I love Alysia" bandwagon! Although since then, I've kind of abandoned her as my favorite when Vampire Tig stole my heart. I know she just wanted to eat it but that doesn't mean she didn't win me over anyway. And now I'm kind of crushing on 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 pretty hard. So Alysia better start getting some on-panel time before I forget her completely!

Batman: The Dark Knight #25

Time once again for some lonely jerk losing himself in a character and spending all of his time dealing with The Penguin! Also Clayface is in this story.

Clayface has broken out of Arkham Asylum again because nobody knows how to keep that guy incarcerated while still maintaining an illusion of humane treatment. And now The Goddamned Fucking Batman has to waste more time hunting him down.

Clayface's first visit is to The Penguin to tell him that he won't be working for him anymore. He's paid his debt and he's going out on his own now. I wonder what ever happened between him and Poison Ivy? They seemed like a happy couple for a little while there. While Clayface is off thinking up his own crime spree which will probably be pretty stupid (no offense intended, you big moronic pile of clay, but seriously, you don't really have much of a brain anymore. Just a big pile of slimy sludge), Batman and Commissioner Gordon are investigating Clayface's breakout at Arkham.

I think Hurwitz has pages and pages of Batman suddenly appearing and disappearing around Gordon jokes. And as long as they keep making me laugh, I'll be happy to keep seeing them in these pages.

Batman surprises even himself when he sees the footage of Clayface kidnapping people and realizes that he was correct about Clayface going out and getting a new audience. He says, "I didn't mean it literally, Alfred." This is the only acceptable use of the word "literally." When a metaphor suddenly turns real. Also you can use it this way: "I literally figuratively shit my pants when that guy attacked me with a chainsaw." Also if that happened, you probably wouldn't need the figuratively in there, would you? Maybe I should have thought up a better example.

Batman and Alfred make a list of all locations in Gotham that have any ties to Basil Karlo or his movies. The list is too big for Batman to cover himself, so he decides to get some help tracking down the kidnapped citizens. The two people he calls on for help? Black Canary and...ugh...Condor. Really, Batman? I think you're above needing that asshole's help. Unless you can accidentally get him killed! Is that the plan?!

Yes!

Luckily Batman finds Clayface first so we won't have to see any more of Condor. Except Batman probably gave Black Canary and Condor a list of his locations and they'll come swinging in at the last second to help Batman defeat Clayface. Not that Batman needs anybody else's help. But they have to make it look good so maybe a few fans will think, "Neat! Maybe I should be reading Birds of Prey too!" No, you don't need to be reading it. Not at all.

Nice sarcasm, Batman. Do you think they'll ever help you again with that attitude?

As you can see from the above page, Batman defeats Clayface by knocking him into a gigantic fondue pot. I have no idea what a gigantic pot of melted cheese was doing in the theater. Perhaps it was the hors d'oeuvres for the cast party after the show?

See? Pages and pages of these jokes!

Clayface is returned to Arkham but this time he's kept in a pressure cooker to keep him from being able to keep any form. I guess that's as humane as they can make it with this guy.

Batman: The Dark Knight Rating: +8 Ranking. This issue wasn't a "+8 Ranking" kind of issue. But I figure this comic has been way farther down in the rankings than it deserves to be since Gregg Hurwitz took over. Ever since he came on board as the writer, this comic book has been interesting and entertaining. It was a pile of shit before that though, hence it's previous position at 37 on the charts.

Batgirl #25

A fourth female writer at DC? Aren't Christy Marx, Ann Nocenti and Gail Simone enough? I mean, yeah, sure, feminism is good and all that but we don't have to get crazy about it!

Speaking of feminism, I wanted to make sure I named all of DC's women writers because four is so hard to keep track of. I mean, I can name all the male writers easy because, well, duh. But I wasn't sure I had all the womens. So I asked Lord Google, "female writers at DC Comics" which technically isn't a question but Lord Google understood what I wanted anyway.

Actually, he didn't, the asshole. But he did lead me to this shitty article of shit which some people might like for reasons but I hate for other reasons. First off, no evidence is presented within the article to support even the title of the article, "DC Comics Fires Top Female Writer For Refusing to Comply with Company's Sexism." Who said Gail Simone was the top female writer?! Where's the supporting evidence!?

That was a joke! She's obviously more on top than Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell. Hmm, that doesn't make her sound like a good writer at all! How about I just mention that she's writing the most interesting team comic book at DC right now. Here's a clue: Batgirl isn't on a team!

Bah, where was my fucking point? Oh! Abdul's title of his article! He does offer one piece of, well, "evidence" that Gail Simone was fired for the reasons stated in the title of the article. And where does he get that evidence? From Gail Simone's Twitter! Gail Simone's Twitter is 89% fart tweets! I don't think Gail Simone's Twitter is ever allowed as evidence ever anywhere because it's tainted by snark! For what it's worth, I think Gail refused to kill Alysia Yeoh and editorial was like, "But she's a woman close to Batgirl! You have to do it!" And Gail was all, "I don't have to do shit, motherfucker!" And editorial ran from the room crying because his mother had been dead for years and he also used to fuck her. Then Jim Lee strolled in and said, "You're fired, Gail, for being insensitive! Wait, can I fire people? I can fire people right?" Anyway, here's Abdul's conclusion as to why she was fired:

Many comic book fans had reacted with hostility against Simone back then too [when she wrote Women in Refrigerators]; perhaps her employers finally caught up.

Perhaps, yes, perhaps. Perhaps Dan DiDio was scanning the web and stumbled upon "Women in Refrigerators," smirking at the memory of the kerfuffle it had caused back in the day. And then he saw the name. "Wait. Gail Simone?! GAIL SIMONE!? Gail Simone is a woman? Fire her!"

Another reason the article sucks garbage poo is the way in which he begins by, understandably, calling out three male writers that are total scumbag dickbreathers: Frank Miller, Joe Kelly, and Joss Whedon. Really, Abdul? I get how Joss Whedon is one of the top three sexist scumbags out there because he's a male writer and he's currently writing shit. Plus by calling out Joss Whedon, you show your chops as a feminist by pointing out how another supposed "feminist" actually isn't very good at the feminism. And I suppose, technically, Frank Miller is still writing shit but does anybody really care? I mean, how many people actually have access to the walls in that men's bathroom stall? Also, who is Joe Kelly?

So after Abdul cannot find anything else to distract from the fact he knows nothing, he goes on to talk about The Hawkeye Initiative. Because, as he points out, the best way to be a fan of women and comics is to quote Mark Twain and put Cliff Barton in a thong. In doing so, he makes a major blunder exposing his horribilitudonous writing ability when he says this:

The initiative is certainly funny and even significant because it actually makes Hawkeye relevant again (he literally stays dead more often than not in the comic books).

Abdul used the word "literally" in a serious, written piece of work! And I know his piece is serious because I only write serious things and I know serious writing because it's all I fucking write. Seriously. I could have said "literally" there but that would have brought down the level and seriousness of my writing and it's already barely parsable.

Before I end my rant on a year-old article that smells vaguely of spoiled goat's milk, let me point out that he also makes a joke about his penis. I think.

Either way, for all the female comic fans who simply can’t get men to admit that the medium is sexist, they should show them [the Hawkeye Initiative]; it will certainly work. Why, you ask, ladies? Because, as a male, I can attest to the fact that I see things a lot more clearly when my Spider Sense isn’t tingling.

Right? That was a penis joke! Only one thing surpasses my knowledge of serious writing and that's my knowledge of penis jokes! And I'm almost positive what he said in the previous quote was that he can't think clearly when he has an erection but when he sees Cliff Barton in a thong, he loses that erection and, thus, can think clearly, Ladies.

Ha ha. He also says "ladies."

It's a good thing the internet doesn't have any editors or else this piece would never have been seen by anyone. Abdul's article never would have either though!

Now that the internet has completely distracted me because that's why rich white men put it there, I barely have any time to read Marguerite Bennett's version of Batgirl! I hope it's a sexier version than that man-hating Gail Simone gives us each month! But I hope she's not quite as sexy as Bennett's Twat Lobo from Villains Month because, hoo boy, I just don't have time to masturbate today.

Oh who am I kidding? There's always time for masturbation!

Okay, I thought people were idiots for staying in Gotham because it was so dangerous. Now seeing these gas prices? I know they're all just fucking insane.

The Narration Boxes use the Batgirl symbol so that we, the readers, know they're Barbara Gordon's thoughts. But I'm a fucking nerd so I'm yelling at my comic book and pointing out how she isn't Batgirl yet so they shouldn't be using the symbol! And then I barely hold my shit together when I find a typo. There's only one thing I hate worse than finding a typo in a comic book: finding a typo in my commentary when I reread it a month after writing it. Especially when I'm attacking DC for making typos!

You know, that last paragraph had a huge lie in it. Obviously I hate a lot of things more than I hate typos. Like people from the valley. Fucking stop riding my waves, you suburban sweater hounds. You drop in on my shoulder one more time and I'm shitting on the hood of your mother's Volvo.

Wow, that last sentence was a little bit titillating!

As the comic opens, we find Barbara Gordon enacting the shittiest apocalypse survival plan ever.

No, no, no! Once everybody sees the disaster coming, it's too late to go for supplies. It's like the first minute of the Hunger Games! There is no "getting in, getting what you need, and getting out." Only the Bloodbath awaits! You have to be prepared long before the sheep get wind of the End of the World!

Okay, I'm going to reveal my End of the World survival plan to all of you yahoos out there, so no stealing it, okay? I have stocked up on hundreds and hundreds of pounds of chocolate bars and sweets. I will be known as The Candy Man and every fucker in the city will trade with me! And if they think they're going to come at me with weapons and steal my stores of candy? Well, they'll just have to get by the little orange singing men, won't they?

I don't currently have tiny singing orange men. I figure by the time the End of the World rolls around, the technology for making mutant people will have reached a level that you can buy that shit over the counter.

Barbara almost gets shot over a loaf of bread and a gallon of gas because this storm coming is a Super Storm. Unless everybody is actually more freaked out by not having the answers to The Riddler's riddles. "What is gray and loud and advances like an army?" The Goddamned Batman! Actually, he's more quiet than loud. Maybe the answer is Doomsday!

My friend Soy Rakelson that I haven't talked about in a long while once set up an adventure for Warhammer that hinged on a magical blade and a riddle or something. The answer to the riddle was "Black Widow" because that was the name of the sword. But he asked the riddle as if it was going to be the greatest moment in gaming history and all I can remember is that everybody knew the answer immediately but we were still waiting for him to finish his Antagonist's Riddle Speech when a friend not even playing the game yelled, "Is it a Black Widow?!" in a mocking way. Soy Rakelson instantly turned red and sputtered all over his dungeon master's screen and yelled that the game has been ruined. But I can't remember the riddle he asked anymore because over the last twenty years, we've made it more and more obvious every time we talk about it. "What has eight legs and is black and is the name of a type of spider that has a red hourglass on its abdomen and is often used as a metaphor for a woman who kills her husbands and did I mention it was a type of spider and, oh yeah, it's venomous too!"

Holy fuck. I'm so sorry about this commentary. I'm only three pages in to an extra-sized Zero Year issue! No, no. Never apologize for rambling. Apologize for touching old men inappropriately on the subway. But never apologize for rambling.

How old is Batgirl here? Fourteen? Fifteen?

Eventually some police come by and tell Batgirl that she has to get to higher ground because the Gordon Homestead is in a flood zone. Being that it's the Gotham Police, they might be lying to her so they can rob Commissioner Gordon's house. Or they might be telling her the truth because they could be some of the 4% of honest Gotham Cops. So Babs gets outfitted in her father's body armor with some of his weapons so she can protect James as they hit the mean, mean, (insane), mean streets of Gotham. Don't tell me how to punctuate! Who do you think you are? Howard Mackie?!

Aww! Look at the little kitty! WHO'S DA CYUTE KITTY? WHO'S DA SWEET WIDDLE AWASKA KITTY THAT'S GOING TO WIND UP IN A TEENY, TINY REFWIDGAWAITER?

Barbara and James Gordon, Junior, find themselves holed up in a firehouse to wait out the storm. They meet a creepy guy named Henry. I know he's creepy because his hair is gelled and he's alone and he's making friends with a fourteen year old girl. Also because when does Barbara Gordon ever meet any nice people? I mean, unless she finds them with their leg in a bear trap.

Eventually a sinkhole opens up right under the firehouse, sweeping everybody away. Typical Gotham.

I must admit: I laughed out loud at this scene. It's just too much like a Sergio Aragonés drawing! I expect to find little funny people nearly drowning. I also expect one of the people to be Groo with Rufferto.

Why can I not remember the names of the children of my friends but I can still recall the name of Groo's dog with little effort?

Barbara helps lead everybody up the fireman's pole and into Bruce Wayne's study. I mean, onto the second floor of the fire station which is now the roof. She notices Coldlight Island across the harbor burning and exploding. The entire group slowly move from one roof to another as they head for roofs over higher ground or something. I'm not sure where they ultimately plan on going since the roof of a building isn't the best place in any natural disaster I can think of. Not that I'm trying to hard to think of one. I just needed something to say about how Barbara and Henry must have a better plan than remaining on a rooftop.

You know what really actually tipped me off to him being a total creep but I didn't want to expose the depth of my shallowness? That stupid fucking douchebag necklace he's wearing.

I know. The main tip off that he was a jerk was the conventions of comic book story telling. But that necklace, man. That necklace. Ugh.

Barbara jumps across the gap in the roofs and lands on Henry, breaking his collarbone. She does this because she decides to stop waiting for a hero and to be her own hero. She also calls herself "Barbara Joan Gordon." I suppose she's named after the lady with the ark that saved France from flooding in the fourteenth fifteenth century. I took a guess at Joan of Arc's historical period and was off by one century. Not bad for somebody who can't retain names and dates! Unless you're talking about Groo's dog and delicious Middle Eastern fruit.

Barbara removes the police vest she's wearing so that she doesn't drown if she falls in the water just as Henry tries to smash her skull with his foot and the edge of the building breaks away, sending him and Bab's possessions down into the water.

What's with the pearls? Is this why Bruce is mad at Gordon? Did Gordon steal Bruce's mother's pearls?! Maybe he just took them to restring and present them back to him later. You know, twenty or thirty years later. Also, I suppose they can just be another string of pearls but, seriously? When pearls are so symbolic to Gotham's most famous crime fighter? You know the one. What's his name? Rufferto?

Henry survives and swims away saying, "I'll get you next time, Batgirl!" Is swimming with a broken collarbone painful? It sounds like it would be painful.

Batgirl #25 Rating: No change. In this issue, we learn that Babs cares more about stuff than she does about people. No wait. I think I got that backwards. Jesus. I can't even understand a simple parable! Was this a parable? It was actually about a spiritual journey and the way to get into heaven, right? Always seeking higher ground by helping others? But the lure of material possessions will send you plummeting to Hell? I wish Jesus were here to explain it more clearly. After listening to Alice Cooper for so many years, I can tell when somebody is secretly testifying to me! This was about Jesus! Unless it was actually about John Wayne, what with the homestead references and such.

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?

Batgirl #24

Don't worry, Jim. No jury of fathers in America will convict you.

I didn't realize until just now that Batgirl has been living a stereotypical junior high school girl's life. She's been mallratting with her best friend forever. She's got a gang of mean girls giving her trouble. She's been acting super crushy over a boy. And her father has been trying to ground her for fighting with her brother. And now her father just came through on a father's favorite threat and shot her boyfriend. Next her father will probably find the fake diary she keeps hidden in plain sight just to piss him off if he ever gets snoopy.

Dear Diary,
I'm not a virgin anymore. A guy totally put his penis into my vagina and it felt so much like the way sex feels. Oh yeah. It was totally the way sex feels. And more! When I pulled his pants down, his thingy was all thingy shaped and springy. Then we got the vagina funnel out and maneuvered our parts into the position they should be in when babies are made. You know the one, Diary? Where the man is on top? I think? If that's how it's done, that's what we did. I'm a woman now! And it was incredible! Or melancholy. Maybe it was both. If it sounds like I got some stuff wrong about the sexual act of sexing, it's because it was so incredible that I've forgotten the details. But I'm totally not a virgin anymore, dad. What a great day! I mean night. We totally did it at night.

Sorry, Ginger Ninja. But Commissioner Gordon has to think about all the families. And in this case, he was mostly concerned about his own and how Ricky was trying to defile it with his penis. Also I think Ricky was threatening to kill some one and Gordon is probably trained to stop that from happening.

When did the term "ginger" become the de rigueur term for redheads? It seemed to me that it was an insult for about 5% of its use before it was accepted by the ginger community and its insulting power taken away. At least in America. Maybe it has harsher connotations in England where it probably has more potential to be abused as a marker of ethnicity. When I first became aware of the term (I'm horrible with time so I can't put any kind of date on it), it seemed to be specifically about a lighter shade of red, almost an orange or a color between blond and red. So I learned it as a descriptor to help specify shade rather than an insult. Now people seem to, more and more, use it for any red head as I did here and in my previous commentary simply because the name "Ginger Ninja" just sounds too sweet to my ears. Anyway, ginger has lost its power as a derogatory term so whenever I meet any of the devil's spawns wandering the streets flaunting their freedom in the face of God's almighty will, I will usually call them "tomato goblins." But not out loud! I don't want to suffer one of their various curses!

Back to the comic book, Harvey Bullock backs up Gordon's shooting because that's what cops do. You don't go against one of your own! Gordon may very well have been justified in the shooting but it's not like he'd ever be investigated like a civilian would. But that's the civilian's own fault anyway! If you want to be able to shoot people and not worry about going to jail, you should have joined the police force! Or the marines!

Good thing Babs decided not to wear the Batgirl suit tonight. It'll just look like she was trying to stop her boyfriend from doing something stupid.

Instead of just allowing herself to be unmasked, Barbara begins to kick cop ass. I guess she's more afraid of what her father might say than getting a dozen bullets lodged in her torso. She takes down three cops and not one of the dozen or more officers on the scene begins shooting. These guys have a lot of self-control! Barbara takes down a few more while making plans for later that week. She's really good at multi-tasking! Remember that issue where she was thinking about her shopping list while being drowned by an assailant? Her powers of concentration are amazing!

So Barbara's plans are to take down Knightfall once and for all since she believes Knightfall is behind all of this. Her evidence is that Tyrell had an expensive laser gun. Right! The police often need less evidence than that to determine which suspect to hound until they confess, so Babs is already a better detective than her father. She did train under the World's Darkest Knight! Who is also a master detective!

Oh yeah. That's the last half of her plan. Hopefully she can accomplish it all before a cop shoots her.

Barbara Gordon flees the scene screaming, "I hate you, Daddy! I hate you hate you hate you!" But she doesn't get very far before Detective McKenna (who doesn't have a debilitating neck injury after all) stops her and freely hands over all of her information on Knightfall. That must be Barbara's Oracle skills coming out. The best retriever of information in the business, computer or no computer. And then McKenna, suspecting the Ginger Ninja might actually be a Batgirl alias, lets her go to hunt down Knightfall. McKenna was desperate to bring down Charise Carnes but the police just don't have enough evidence to identify her as Knightfall. So McKenna's best bet is probably to let the Bats take care of it.

Also, Ricky isn't dead yet. He's clinging to life. So maybe Babs can forgive him later, and maybe Jim can forgive Batgirl later, and maybe some hugs will be distributed.

Babs feels like her life is falling apart and she's blaming her father for more and more of the chaos. But it's not like Jim's life is full of roses and candy bars.

This panel makes me feel so sad for Commissioner Gordon. And then I remember it was his choice to drive his wife away, shoot his daughter's boyfriend, and give birth to a serial killer. Maybe he should have thought of the consequences of his actions!

You know that Sesame Street song that goes, "These are the people in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neigh-bor-hoo-ood!"? Am I the only one that walks around my neighborhood singing, "I am the people in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neigh-bor-hoo-ood!"?

Jim keeps trying to get in contact with Babs but she's avoiding his calls. Until she decides she needs to speak with him to help Ricky's mom be able to see her son who is in a coma in the hospital. On the night she finally heads over to dad's place to keep lying to him about her life, Commissioner Gordon is attacked by The Mirror. Oh no. Not that idiot! I hope he's come up with a new schtick other than "Look in a mirror! See your true self! Ah ha ha!" Meanwhile his victim just goes, "Hmm, I didn't realize I was getting a zit on my chin."

Turns out The Mirror isn't the only one there. Knightfall's entire Team B is there. She calls them the Disgraced because they were all beaten by Batgirl: Mirror, Gretel, Grotesque. Maybe her Team A is also part of the Disgraced since Bleak Michael is standing guard and Bonebreaker is inside. They all got their asses handed to them too although Batgirl had Batwoman's help that time. And obviously Katharsis isn't going to be there. But you know who is going to be there?!

Good thing her van doubles as the Batgirl Cave.

Batgirl #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this storyline is when Barbara is dealing with her family problems. Hopefully when the third part finally comes out in December, half of the issue will be Barbara kicking The Disgraced's asses and the other half will be her and her father forgiving each other. I really wouldn't mind if she told him that she was Batgirl. I think the main reason she's kept the secret is because of the need to keep Batman's identity safe. But now that he's shown that he hardly cares about keeping everybody's identities safe with his Joker secrets and tying Bruce Wayne so closely to Batman with Batman Incorporated, she might as well go for it!