Plastic Man #1

Plastic Man is a smarmy bitch.

With the return of Plastic Man to the DC Universe, DC Comics is declaring they don't give a fuck about being taken seriously anymore. Which is a good thing! Plastic Man is a sign that DC is daring to have fun again. They completely lost their sense of humor for awhile and then doubled down on not ever having a sense of humor ever again with The New 52. "Ambush Bug and Detective Chimp?" spat Dan DiDio into the faces of every writer who dared to mention that they chuckled at Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League one time. "They're out! Put them in a stupid news feature in the back of the comic book! Make sure everybody knows they're out of continuity!" he declared as he wrote on the white board in the staff meeting room, "Continuity is king!" But after being criticized for a number of New 52 years and realizing that maybe they weren't making the barrels full of cash they had anticipated, Dan DiDio erased the white board and wrote, "Fans are stupid jerks." Then he put Tom King in charge of Batman to make sure everybody knew continuity was less important than great story telling.

By the way, that was a compliment for Tom King! It was also a criticism for all the people who can't stand Tom King's Batman because they wouldn't know a good story if Scott Lobdell knew how to write one.

I'm pretty sure I made my point in one of those last two paragraphs so I'm just going to move on without rereading them.

So. Plastic Man. He's perhaps the goofiest comic book character in the DC Universe that isn't named Aquaman. But he has to be taken seriously now because Scott Snyder said so. Although maybe I'm wrong about that because why would DC give a serious character to Gail Simone? She's just going to make him revel in fart and dick jokes.

You know what I just realized? I'm terrible at comic book reviews.

The issue begins with Eel getting his ass kicked by some low life thugs who used to be his friends. Then he makes a dick joke.

I might not know how to review comic books but I know how to spot somebody who loves a good dick joke.

For somebody who thinks they know a good dick joke, I can't even think of one right now. And the more I think about it, the more I realize maybe I've never told one in my entire life! What constitutes a good dick joke? Is it just referencing a penis like in the panel above? Does that count? Is emphasizing Grayson's first name when Bruce is scolding him technically a dick joke? Is the bill for the therapist I hired because the first woman who ever put her hands down my pants chuckled a dick joke? Oh wait! I just remembered a couple of dick jokes! The first one is that one where the guy wishes for a seven inch pianist (which seems weird because why not wish for an eight inch pianist? Is that too much?!). The other one I first heard in fifth grade and I didn't understand it but I pretended to because I didn't want to be embarrassed. It had a really strange premise where a cop was arresting me and a friend and somebody we didn't like (for purposes of the joke at the time, the person my friend and I didn't like was Paul Avila (sorry, Paul, if you're Googling your name!)). For some reason, the perverted cop decided he would let us all go if our penises measured thirteen inches. So I pulled out mine and it was six inches. Then my friend Daniel pulled out his and it was six and a half inches (of course he got the biggest penis! He was telling the joke!). Then Paul pulled out his and it was half an inch. Just enough so that the cop allowed us to go free. Afterward, Paul said, "Whew! Good thing I was popping a boner!" I laughed even though I was in fifth grade and didn't know the slang term "popping a boner." Maybe I was just a late bloomer and had never popped one before. It's hard to say because I didn't keep a boner diary when I was younger.

That last sentence makes it sound like I keep a boner diary now. But that's none of your business.

Anyway, Plastic Man works in a strip club where the strippers dress like superheroes. I hope most of the comic book takes place in this location. A few years ago, I met a stripper who called herself Princess Unicorn Pants. I still regret not running away with her because now I just sit alone at night searching for porn that never exists on Tumblr.

I'm so disappointed in you, Internet.

Later, after Plastic Man has a nightmare about the guy he thinks he killed when he was a criminal, a woman named Obscura shows up in his apartment. She works for Spyral which is probably important because she might know Dick Grayson and Dick Grayson's first name is Dick. Get it?

They get it!

I'm glad Gail Simone deals with the elephant in the room in this first issue otherwise I'd be reading every issue thinking, "So, how big is Plastic Man's penis? Big, right?" And I think this answers the question! Just look at Obscura's face! That's not the face of a woman looking at a tiny penis. I should know because I've never seen that face before.

Obscura wants to discuss the kind of conspiracy you'd learn about if you read Rosanne Barr's Twitter feed. And just as Plastic Man is learning about this conspiracy, he's drawn directly into it! His old criminal pal Benny is murdered and before he dies, he writes, "IT JLA," in blood on the wall. So Obscura was right! The superhero teams have been infiltrated by baddies! I hope they aren't Manhunters again. Or white martians! Although when your team has Lobo on it, would you really be surprised if people began winding up slaughtered for no reason? Seriously, Batman, maybe try Zip Recruiter next time.

Plastic Man is fingered for the murder which sounds sexier than it really is. He'll probably get away next issue or else this series is just going to be Plastic Man telling dick jokes from a prison cell for fifty issues.

Rating: Three and a half inches out of five inches. Is that enough to satisfy readers? I don't think so. Maybe I should say seven inches out of ten inches. That sounds like a better system, right?! Now to see if maybe PorhHub knows what Sleestaks do in the privacy of their own caves.

Sign up for the E!TACT Newsletter!

Secret Six #14

This looks like the greatest barbecue ever. But why does Scandal have such a tiny hand? Oh wait. Maybe I'm not supposed to mention her tiny hand. Oh man. Now I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The Review or Whatever!
I like to fantasize that people are constantly asking me, "Tess? What makes you a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? And could I give you ten dollars?" I usually joke that all it takes to be a Grand Master Comic Book Reader is the audacity to call yourself one. But isn't there also some rule that by spending ten thousand hours on something making, you suddenly become a super duper expert on it? Because I'm fairly certain I've spent that much time reading comic books (including staring at the pictures and reading letters pages, so I hope that counts). But I also have physical proof that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I've only sent one letter to a comic book in the thirty-plus years I've been reading comic books and that book was The Walking Dead. My letter was printed in Issue #8 (so if you have a few hundred bucks and want to verify this, you can!) and went like this:

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I really enjoy your little zombie rag. The pacing is terrific, characterizations are intriguing and the art is just nifty. I hope the book continues for quite awhile. You've got my support. Thanks for the great read!
Jeff

Kirkman responded that he hoped to go at least 75 issues. Well, he's more than doubled that and turned his little zombie rag into a million dollar franchise! And I saw the potential because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Although I stopped supporting him after that issue and never picked up Issue #9. I feel a little bad about that. I think maybe I felt betrayed that they printed my letter that called the art nifty in an issue with Charlie Adlard art! I meant Tony Moore's art was nifty, you jerko! But I did keep picking the series up in trades, so I guess that counts too.

On a related note, does anybody want to buy The Walking Dead #1-8 for like fifty thousand dollars. Is that the going price yet? If not, I'll just hold onto them.

This issue is called "Everyone Says Goodbye, Sometimes" which I'm going to declare makes no sense at all, even if Gail Simone thought it up. Although I just touted my Grand Master Comic Book Reader credentials, so maybe I shouldn't admit to being too stupid to understand something. Um, I totally get it! People say goodbye! All of them! But they don't do it constantly! Just sometimes! Duh!

*gasp* Gail! Don't you know the trend is to have female characters get super angry at being told to smile now?! Although Alice is smashing people while smiling. So it's kind of the same thing. I think.

Lady Shiva is a bit disappointed that Black Alice is destroying one of the League of Assassins Corporate Headquarters. That means Strix probably has changed her mind about joining the League which means Shiva just lost her replacement which would let her leave the League. Too bad Gail isn't more proficient in the television show Arrow or she'd know that sometimes people can leave the League in other ways. Although I'm not a Grand Master Television Show watcher, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm especially not a Grand Master Television Watcher of bad television shows and Arrow is a terrible show. And it's not terrible for the reasons lots of fans think it's terrible! It was awful long before Laurel was killed. It was even awful long before they made the huge mistake of romantically entangling Felicity and Oliver. The writing is just terrible and the only way they can think to create drama is to have one character barely tell a lie and then another character discovers the lie and hates the other character forever and always. Plus Oliver has had sex with every single female character on the show except his sister. And I'm not even sure about his sister.

As the Secret Six and Friends storm the building, Elongated Man begins thinking about the Secret Six as his new adopted family. That's gross. Since when do families have weird sex on your couch? Oh wait. Am I allowed to be grossed out by the thought of incest? Am I supposed to be sensitive to Incestsexuals? Dammit! It's so hard being a consequence-free jerk in this day and age!

Even though the Secret Six are mounting a rescue mission, it's still up to Strix to win her own battle against Shiva. I don't think Gail Simone will kill Strix even if I thought Strix would lose a battle against Shiva. But I am a little bit worried about Shawna. Ferdie might be dealing with a broken heart by the end of this. You'll be able to tell he has a broken heart because he won't be able to come up with any sexual innuendos about Shawna being stiff.

Uh-oh. Now I'm really worried about her!

Shawna finishes her thought on the next page with "--that maybe some of us don't want to be saved?" I didn't expect a traitor in the midst but this is good. Shawna has mostly been taking a back seat to Ferdie throughout this run. This is the Shawna from Batgirl that creeped me the fuck out way back when. She's not silly and whimsical and able to feel anything that would allow her to fit in. That part of her was in Ferdie. Shawna herself though was, in short, a monster. So it's good to see she's still my girl.

I know there have been moments in this series that have made people feel feelings before this. Like with how Strix was coping with family or how Alice was bonding with Ralph or how Ralph and Sue were having their difficulties. I guess this moment between Shawna and Ferdie is the part that touches my cold black heart because I can't bear what happens next: they break up. It's devastating.

I just can't bear to see Shawna cutting off the part of her that has allowed herself to be loved. Ferdie may have been her weapon at times but he's also been her way of connecting. And for whatever reason, she's backsliding into the Shawna who doesn't believe she deserves love and happiness. This hurts my heart.

Catman isn't dead because he wasn't curious or something. He and the others interrupt Shiva and Strix's fight which probably saves Shiva's life. They explain to her that the fight is over and they'll be going now or else Black Alice will do some of that magic stuff that can't be defended against unless you're John Constantine. And that's the end of the League of Assassins story! There's still more suburban epilogue but I haven't read that yet! This story ended a bit quickly because Rebirth was rebirthing all over the place and it was time to shut a bunch of the DC Youniverse down. Although for some reason the Teen Titans still get to exist for a few more months. Ugh!

The epilogue is four months later and Strix has decided to never kill again and live in a treehouse with a bunch of gnomes. The rest of the Secret Six remain with the Dibnys having barbecues and enjoying the suburbs. I guess all that is well and good and a happy ending. But my heart is still breaking.

Saddest ending ever.

Secret Six #13

Ferdie is checking out Strix's ass.

The Review or Whatever!
Secret Six stories always have titles that I never understand! It's like Gail Simone is all, "I'm so smart! I write fully realized characters dealing with actual themes and meaning and shit! Plus I drink tea and know everything there is to know about the television show Arrow! NARF!" And I'm over here thinking, "What does 'Violence of Silence' even mean?! How dumb am I?! Am I hurting people when I walk quietly down the street? Should I be screaming my fool head off?!" If this were a Geoff Johns book, I could just think, "I get it! Strix is mute and she kicks ass and 'silence' and 'violence' rhyme so that's a totally cool title! AWESOME! Geoff Johns for President of the Universe!" But since I know Gail Simone is way smarter than me, I get all nervous and insecure trying to understand her fancy-pants comic book writing skills. At least I know Geoff Johns has no idea what he's actually doing. That's comforting!

Your name is just League of Assassins! That doesn't sound old at all! What makes you sound old is having manservants named Milliford!

Shiva decides that the best thing to do to Strix now that Strix has agreed to join the League of Assassins is to torture her. To be fair to Shiva, she probably thinks she's in control and that Strix will react like every other jerk who ever wanted to be a member of the League of Old People. How can she not see that Strix only joined to protect her friends (who are now family?)?! Or maybe she does see that and she doesn't care because Shiva is arrogant enough to think that she's strong enough to break Strix. So Shiva gives Strix champagne (which Strix reacts to correctly because it is disgusting) and then throws her gnome off of the roof of the building.

Does the gnome shattering on the ground constitute a death of one of the members of Secret Six? Probably, right?

This issue is called "Silent Running". That's confusing because Strix is not a member of the Court of Roadrunners!

How dare Gail Simone try to redeem this guy! My hatred for this white male authority figure was the only emotion I had left!

Catman gets a call that there's a job that looks like a job for his sperm! His sperm are all, "Yay!" Onlookers are all, "Look! Up in the sky! Is that a bird? Is it a plane? No it's...eeewww."

Catman accepts but only if Scandal does him a favor. I bet that favor is she must remove his sperm with her mouth and spit it up into Knockout (or Stripper Knockout). Would that work? I think the science is pretty accurate.

The League of Assassins finally buy Strix a tablet so she doesn't have to keep scrawling notes with her ratty pad and her piece of hardened raccoon poop. Those Birds of Prey were cheap bastards! If it has wi-fi, I bet Strix spends the rest of the issue surfing for porn.

Strix's first assignment with the League is killing a bunch of actors who kind of look like the rest of the Secret Six if you squint just right and punch yourself in the vagina until your eyes tear up. If you don't have a vagina, your testicles will suffice.

Shiva is a Grandmaster too! We're practically twinsies! Although she's Grandmaster at killing people while I'm Grandmaster at reading comic books. Practically the same thing!

Strix kills all of the Secret Six surrogates and Shiva breathes a sigh of relief. Because now Shiva gets to leave the League! Except for that part where the Secret Six plus Scandal and Silver Banshee and Ragdoll will soon be crashing through the doors to get Strix out of there. And since it's the final issue (I think?), maybe they'll all die! You never know! If this were the New Suicide Squad, you would know that nobody would die. But this comic book has the potential for actual consequences! As long as Ferdie survives, I'll be okay with a few losses.

Secret Six #12

Secret Strix?

Rating: In many ways, Gail Simone's Secret Six has always been a spiritual successor to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad. Most of the revamps of Suicide Squad missed what made Ostrander's such a hit. It wasn't about characters possibly dying every month. It wasn't about loading a team full of star villains to attract an audience. It was about bringing to life characters that had been largely one-dimensional up until that point. When people think of Deadshot now, they're thinking of Ostrander's Deadshot. He realized Deadshot so fully that people probably just assume the character was always the guy Ostrander brought to life. But he was just a guy who was really good with a gun who Batman kept running afoul of. Simone did much of the same with Catman and Bane and many others, as well as creating a bunch of her own. The series shines because the characters are not ignored. They're not just fodder for the plot in garish costumes. They are fully realized and enjoyable to read about. I wish more writers would understand that plot is less important than characterization. I'd rather read a bunch of interesting characters sitting around a diner talking than have a bunch of hot, one-dimensional people in spandex hitting each other with heavy objects for twenty pages. Secret Six will be missed after Rebirth. I just realized that I'll probably start calling all of the stories after Rebirth "Afterbirth". DC is about to get gross.

• What is the secret?! No, seriously. What is it? I think I missed it at some point. I have a nagging suspicion that the secret is Mockingbird can't count to six.

• One secret is that I photoshopped a bunch of fake tweets by Gail Simone about "What is the secret?!" and posted them on Tumblr with tags saying "Photoshopped Tweets" and "Let me repeat myself. These tweets are photoshopped!" and "These are not real!" I knew it wouldn't help which is why I wasn't surprised when somebody reblogged them with the tag "This is why I love Gail". No, that is why you love me!

• So what was going on previously? I think Batgirl and Catman were rutting in the park while Goatfly watched. That was so sexy I nearly happy accidented all over myself. Also Sue decided she wanted Ralph back because you can only hear "What two letters keep a car from going?" "M-T!" so many times before your vagina dries up and falls off. And Shiva was hunting Strix for secret assassin reasons.

• The title of this issue is "The Violence of Silence". It rhymes so it must be profound wisdom. Profound wisdom hasn't always rhymed. That's just a modern thing because modern people are easily impressed by people who can think up two words that sound almost identical. I wish Jesus had given all of his allegories in rhyme. With a good beat. He may as well have been a rapper since he had the biggest East Coast/West Coast rivalry of all time. Although the Romans weren't too good at drive-bys. They were better at long-occupation-bys.

• You know what caused the Roman civilization to collapse? Washing their hands of things! You can't just ignore problems by washing your hands and waving the problem away and going off to draw a cock on the wall! You have to fix the problem! And by "fix" I don't mean "affix to a giant cross."

• Oh! I think maybe the Roman civilization collapsed because of the violence of silence! Maybe? No? Am I on to something?

• I actually know a lot less about everything than I pretend to.

• No wait! I meant the reverse of that last bullet point!

• Currently Scandal and Knockout and Stripper Knockout are considering which vintage of sperm to sprinkle on their baby cakes.

• I actually know a lot more about doing it than I pretend to! Like how awesome it probably is!

I just realized how perfect these two are for each other! Not Catman and Batgirl! The pets! On walks, the dog shits and Goatfly eats it! No mess! Okay, the goat still makes a mess. But I don't think you're legally required to pick up goat droppings.

• A cop in Ralph's neighborhood calls Shiva "sweetcheeks". While not technically incorrect, it's probably a bad move.

• In every run-in I've ever had with the police, not one has ever been complimentarily degrading. I think my feelings are hurt.

• The cop also calls Shiva "little dumplin'", "lady", "hot stuff", and probably something else. I think he notices her feet are cute too but I can't confirm that since her feet are hidden in every panel. That's such a sexist move! Framing a woman so that you can't see her feet.

• Catman warns Porcelain to get Strix out of the house. Why? Shiva might be a deadly assassin but Strix is an immortal Talon! I'm confident Strix can take whatever Shiva has to dish out. Unless Shiva's here to taunt Strix for not fitting in and not having a family and being horribly emotionally and physically scarred by life. That might hurt.

• I just realized Strix and I have a lot in common!

See?

• Strix writes a note to Batgirl when everybody meets up on the front lawn. The note is "I hart your yelow boots" and not "Y did u byrds not git me an ipad, cheepsktes?"

• Shiva defeats everybody in one page. Probably to show how good she is and not because comic books are only twenty pages and Gail Simone would rather fill those few pages with more cute notes from Strix. I mean, it could be that! But I think it's more about Shiva's talent at ass-kicking.

• Shiva invites Strix to join the League of Assassins. Usually invites aren't threats against your loved ones but this is the League of Assassins. They like to put on a show.

• Strix accepts the offer to save her friends and new family! Tragedy!

Holy shit! You can print that kind of thi...oh. Wait. Sorry. Misread that!

• Batgirl gives Mary her yellow boots. How is Batgirl going to afford another pair of yellow Doc Martens?! Doesn't she still owe Black Canary a new van and a complete wardrobe and maybe an entirely new dojo too?

• Sue returns to the house and finds it filled with vagabonds, strays, and perverts. Wasn't that a Cher song? Or an Indigo Girls album?

• Ralph calls the Secret Six "strays" after I called them strays. Word stealer! Although he doesn't call them vagabonds or perverts.

• Sue brings Ralph his Elongated Man suit so that the Secret Six can learn how annoying he really is.

• The team decides to go save Strix from the League of Assassins! That fight might take longer than one panel.

Secret Six #9

Butts are touching.

I'm tired of trying to guess the secret. Eight issues in and it's yet to be revealed! This is bullshit. I wouldn't hang around reading a comic book called "Batman" for eight issues if he were never in it! Oh wait. That's exactly what I'm doing while Snyder gets this Commissioner Batman crap out of his system. Fine! I'll give it one more issue before I...well, I'm going to keep reading it. But I'm going to complain quite a bit!

Now that I brought up the secret, I'm a little bit nervous. What if the secret was already revealed and I missed it?! Was the secret that The Riddler was Mockingbird? Was the secret that Ferdie had a diamond shoved up his ass? Was the secret that Sue Dibny realized she wanted a normal lover because she was terribly creeped out by a Ralph's squidgy cock? Was the secret that Scandal gave the unnamed kitten to Catman? Was the secret that the kitten actually had a name and I've forgotten that as well?! Maybe the secret is that the secret isn't quite so fucking important as I thought it was. Maybe the secret is family! No wait. That's ohana.

The Secret Six have gone off with Etrigan to open the White Gate while the Enclave of Magic are trying to keep the White Gate closed. The Secret Six fucked everything up last issue so maybe Faust's group can fix things this issue.

I first read Swamp Thing's dialogue as "they're coming on everyone". Possibly because he looks like Zatanna's fucked up blow up doll here.

Back under the ocean, Ferdie reveals that he's got whatever power Ambush Bug has. Not teleportation! That one where he can speak directly to the reader. I don't know if he knows he's in a comic book or not but he definitely thinks he's in a Grant Morrison story. His power doesn't extend to hearing the reader though because I just asked him what the secret was and he didn't answer. I did show him my dick though.

He's totally into it.

Porcelain smashes the first Alabaster Uncircumcised Cock Statue just before the ocean rushes in. But Lord Arion's fish people cast a spell which teleports the Secret Six to safety. Catman flirts with Aquaman just before he's magically snatched away but Arthur is too dense to get it. Although his new uniform makes him look like he understood. Because it looks like he has an erection. Does nobody at DC care that Aquaman's makeover makes him look like he's constantly sporting a massive boner?

Arthur does try to warn Catman not to smash the other alabaster phalluses because it'll just let all of the Great Old Ones into their dimension. At this point, I don't think the team cares. They're just going to have to battle a bunch of ancient immortal all-powerful gods after they've saved Black Alice. They can probably handle it.

The next alabaster phallus is in a fancy dress party in some place called Perdition.

Strix shows that the Bat-Family policy of killing Talons might need to be reworked. Not that I didn't think that already! But how could any of them think they haven't just committed murder after seeing Talons display sentience and individual personalities?

The Six meet an orphan girl who shows them the way through the abandoned town and into the mine where the party is being held. No part of that previous sentence inspires confidence in the situation.

It turns out there isn't a party. Everybody just needed to dress fancy because this town is lost in time and people used to dress fancy when they knew somebody else might see them and then gossip about how awful their clothes were. It also turns out everybody in the town has died of starvation. They're still hanging about as ghosts because the mine is full of an ancient god affecting the local reality. It's name is Maggie and it asks the Secret Six to help free it by breaking its alabaster phallus. That might make the Six rethink their position on opening up strange portals.

Swamp Thing arrives to try to warn them as well but if the huge ancient god's declaration that it will end the universe when it's freed didn't sway them against destroying the White Gate, what argument can Swamp Thing come up with?

The alabaster phalluses aren't as phallusy as they were last issue.

Chaos is my jam too, Etrigan! This is my Work entry on Facebook: "Works at destroying the calm and embracing the chaos." I knew Etrigan was my favorite for a reason! Actually for several reasons. None of them pervy.

Ralph Dibny shoves the alabaster phallus into the head of Maggie, mortally wounding it. So I guess their plan is to just deal with the gods that wind up being unleashed. I doubt the other ones will be as easy to kill as Maggie was.

While the Six were off doing their mission, Scandal and Rag Doll were having adventures in babysitting with Black Alice. They battled some sphinxes and...well, that's all that happened, really. But Black Alice woke up and was told by Scandal that if her friends succeed in saving her, the world will end. So Black Alice decides she needs to die and asks Scandal Savage to kill her. I think she's asking the wrong Savage.

Secret Six #9 Rating: No change. None! I mean, some stuff happened and most of it was entertaining. And the art looked really nice. And something about the letterer because you have to mention the letterer in a proper review. Also the colorist! There were colors! Lots of them! It made the book not boring like all black and white comic books. So boring! Did anybody ever try to read Cerebus?! Pee-yuke! So black and white! And Elfquest was terrible until the colors were added! Although the colors that were added in the Father Tree Press editions were never as good as the colors in the Starblaze Graphics editions! I don't think color matters when it comes to the letterer though so if you're a Letterer Fucker (that's a person who is such a fan of letterers that they love to fuck them at conventions), Cerebus is probably a pretty good comic book! Although Dave Sim is the writer, artist, and letterer so you won't be fucking him because the last time I heard, he was celibate. He doesn't even masturbate! It's against his religion which is Christjewslam or something. Um. Anyway. Ten stars!

Secret Six #8

Etrigan is my favorite DC character of all time. I don't think that was a secret.

What's the secret?!

Have we figured out the secret yet? It's been almost a year since this comic book began and my memory doesn't retain information across that much space. Or is it time? Is there really a difference? My favorite concept of time was from Elfquest when somebody or another (probably an elf!) said that thing about time being just things and places to put them. Or something. Remember that part earlier when I said I don't retain information very well?

Since this book is about secrets, I thought maybe I'd begin by telling one of my own. Not my most deepest darkest secret, of course! That's between me and Satan. This is just a little secret that's embarrassing and which I wouldn't tell you if I knew any of you personally.

When I was a single digit little boy, I would sometimes wake up at night needing to pee. And even though my childhood bedroom had its own bathroom just three feet away from my bed, I would often be too scared to go into the bathroom. I don't know what I was scared of but it must have had something to do with opening a door and passing through a portal. So instead of walking a few feet into the bathroom to use the toilet, I would go into the corner of my bedroom with the closet door to my right (also scary!) and the heating vent to the left and I would pee on the rug. It was yellow shag carpeting and I think it did a decent job sopping up the pee. Plus the heating vent probably helped dry it up. Being a disgusting little kid, I don't know how badly it smelled or how often I really did it. I did it for a long enough period of time that the rug was crunchy and hard in that corner of the room but not long enough so that the floor collapsed underneath me. Eventually one of the cats began, occasionally, using that corner to poop. I think my mom cleaned that up and then just assumed that the cat had been peeing in that corner for a long time. It's not like my mom knew the difference between cat urine and stupid scared little kid urine. So I basically lived in a toilet.

How about we all just pretend that I made up the previous secret and enjoy my reactions to this comic book now?

This issue begins with a caveman being visited by a monolith. Or some Great Old Ones. Something that made him crack up and turn violent. They're probably mankind's neighbors living just down the lane past the White Gate. It's probably those Great Old Ones that the Occult Collective of Magic-Users are trying to keep from RSVPing to Black Alice's pubescent magical awakening. Oh, what a magical time in a young magic girl's magic life! To be young again but this time a girl so I could experience the confusion of my crazily changing body! So I could go through major hormonal shifts as I tried to figure out who I was and my place in the world! And during all of this chaotic business of becoming a woman, I would have to constantly fend off unwanted passes by the most disgusting and vile creatures to ever be thought of as sentient: man! Although if that cute boy with the floppy blond hair that sits two seats up and three seats over in Algebra made a pass at me, I don't know what I'd do! Seriously. What would I do? Let him touch my shoulder? Does that do it for girls? Maybe let him tell me my hair looks clean? Oh! I know! I'd put some extra OOMPH! in my skip as I left class so that my skirt would rise up just enough so that he'd see the big bruise on my thigh and he'd know I totally love playing tackle football!

Oh! Oh! Flygoat is a recurring character! Now I'm less angry at Gail Simone for hurting the poor goat. He looks happy!

Just inside the hospital, past the goat with the fly's head (pay him no heed. He's cool eating flowers), Klarion and his friends are trying to send Black Alice to Limbo. But she's decided to channel Swamp Thing and Amethyst and Black Orchid and Cheetah and Zatanna and Madame Xanadu and Blue Devil and Morgaine le Fey! Felix Faust notices that she didn't choose to channel any of his power because his power smells like old man farts. Probably. Alice pins her rivals to the wall (after making Cheetah naked (Is this where I say meow? That would be wrong, right? Because Cheetahs don't meow)) but before she can go any further, I just have to scan this scene that interrupted the action.

The last time I dressed as a comic book character it was as Captain Cold for a gaming convention I threw for my friends in 2003. Now I have a costume for my next one: mini-golf Etrigan!

The person saying "Perhaps I can help?" It's an Atlantean. One of the magic ones descended from Arion from Warlord and not one of the fishy ones that legally has to take Aquaman seriously.

The Daughter of Arion and Black Orchid help explain what's happening to the two separate groups of Secret Six members. Arion built the White Gate to keep the Great Old Ones at bay. And now Black Alice is tearing it down the way teenagers tend to tear shit down. You know, recklessly and without regards to consequence and hopefully to maybe get laid by that guy two seats up and three seats over in Algebra. The only way to stop the Great Old Ones from coming through completely is to either destroy some uncircumcised albino penises or to protect them. One of those depending on if you want to team up with Etrigan and Arion's Kids or Felix Faust and Klarion. Since Klarion doesn't currently have Teekl with him, it's not even a close choice for me. Etrigan all the way!

Yay! The team makes the right choice! Now if only somebody will convince most of them to stay home so that this simply becomes Brave and the Bold style comic book starring just Etrigan and Ferdie.

Big Shot hires probably the worst babysitters in the DC You (aside from Red Hood and Arsenal): Scandal Savage and Rag Doll. Since Jeannette is a banshee and thus magical and thus can be sucked dry by Alice's deviant young lusts, she goes to destroy the albino penises with the Secret Six. This family is getting too big to justify the "six" on the cover. It's like in the eighties when 80% of the Teen Titans weren't teens anymore! They eventually fixed that by simply removing the "teen" from the title but not after they'd already tried to justify the "teen" by bringing in that awful buzzkill Danny Chase.

Arion's Kids send Etrigan, Strix, Catman, Big Shot (Ralph!), Shawna, Ferdie, Jeannette and Porcelain to Atlantis. But she warns them that they might have to battle the "false king" to do so. I guess Aquaman really treasures his eight foot tall penis statue.

He's blocking his costume phallus with his gift from Poseidon phallus!

Catman and Aquaman scuffle which completely blocks out any thought of helping Alice as everybody sits around to watch the beefcake battle. But when their makeshift bubble at the bottom of the sea begins collapsing, everybody gets back to work. They do manage to free the mighty white phallus but too late. The sea comes collapsing in on them and they...well, come on. They obviously don't die! Aquaman probably calls in some saddled up sea horses to whisk them away to safety. But Arion's Kids believe they've died. They shed their skin and head into the sea to find some other suckers to break the pillars of the White Gate for them. Whoops. I guess Etrigan's team was the wrong side to choose! But you can't blame them. Who would ever agree to be on Felix Faust's team? The Occult Collective of Magic-users really should have put more thought into who they'd have representing their side. Black Alice is a young hip kid! Klarion might have been a decent choice but you don't send him in their with Whispy Haired Grandpa Smells Like Farts.

Secret Six #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sometimes I feel like some comic books don't need to be reviewed. I feel like they should just sell because people who want to read well-written comic books aren't totally stupid and will pick up the comic books worth reading. But then I remember that The Movement was cancelled because the assumption I just laid out in the previous sentence must be wrong. Also, Image is really putting on a good show and taking most of the money of discriminating comic book readers! And most of the comic book readers today never lived through the years where Image nearly destroyed comic books forever. All they know is that Image is a terrific company that gives writers and artists the chance to sell work they own and which they truly care about. Sure, it was like that in the nineties too (kind of. I mean, many of the founders also slipped into the work-for-hire bullshit that caused them to start Image in the first place) but a lot of the art and stories back then were a fucking mess. Anyway, if any of y'all have an extra $2.99 to spend each month and you aren't currently reading Secret Six, give it a chance. And if you don't like it, you can pretend I called you a douchebag after you finish.

Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!

Secret Six #7

This is puppetist. Ferdie shouldn't be the symbol for The Ventriloquist. He should get his own symbol. Which would be a dildo.

I mentioned that I really liked the first episode of Supergirl and somebody replied with "I had some problems with the S - the 'what's wrong with being a girl' bit from her boss particularly, was absolutely horrible reasoning and completely missing the point - I don't mind that she's Supergirl and not Superwoman, but it was handled terribly." At what point did people stop believing that characters in shows, films, and written works could have unreasonable opinions? Can't an argument made by a character completely miss the point without it being seen as a flaw in the writing? Kara has an opinion about the name she wants to choose for her new persona. She doesn't like Supergirl and objects to it. Cat Grant has already been made out to be a horribly selfish person only concerned with her business and naming the new superhero reflects that. Her arguments for the name barely matter in this scene. Maybe some see it as the defense in the show for using girl instead of woman. But I saw that scene as an unreasonable human being choosing to fire somebody rather than be criticized. In a world of trending hashtags (ugh. What a shit world!), being the source of that hashtag proffers huge cultural capital. It's in Cat's best interest to defend the new name as vehemently as she can. I imagine Cat will wind up being more and more likeable as the show progresses but for now she's a fairly shallowly defined trope of the horrible boss (Lady Edition).

I get the feeling that some people put so much effort into pointing out how horrible the show was going to be from the trailers that they're going to have a hard time backing off of that position and realizing the show was fun, upbeat, and has the potential for an onscreen Director Bones! Also Superman was portrayed better than he's been in a long time. Although Supergirl's adoptive parents being Superman and Supergirl weirded me out a bit.

What is the secret?!

I should also point out before I continue that having a difference of opinion with somebody who comments on my blog which then gets me to go off on a slight mini-rant is not an attack on that person at all, no matter how strange their lightning is. Huge Manga Wink! I had to add this statement because I don't get angry at anybody ever but any time I do some hyperbolic rant based on somebody else's opinions, they always seem to think I've become their nemesis or something. The internet has created a lot of thin skinned people so I have to be careful! I don't want to accidentally piss off any more of my fifteen readers.

Speaking of projecting all things in a written story onto the beliefs and attitudes of the writer, I hate Gail Simone for how she starts this story.

Gail Simone is a capraphobe (not to be mistaken for coprophobe (although she's probably that as well. Who isn't?!))

So now we know Gail Simone is a huge fan of turning goats into flies. I bet it's a fetish from growing up on a farm.

I just took a break to watch tonight's episode of The Flash. When Patty found the Man/Shark teeth, I texted my friend Xan, "I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark!" I'm disappointed King Shark was one-shot by Harrison when he finally appeared. I hope Yo-yo is already inside his stomach. Also, is it just me or do all Firestorm stories always have a gay subtext? This is an appropriate place to mention this since The Flash episode seemed like a backdoor pilot for a Firestorm show and since Gail Simone was co-writing the most gay subtexty Firestorm comic book that I've ever read. I can't think of the Firestorm Matrix as anything but the Slash Matrix now.

That goat that was abused by Simone earlier? It walked into a place called The House of Strangers. It's some kind of mystical outpost defending the world from whatever the universe has got. It's the kind of place where people like The Phantom Stranger, Deadman, and Felix Faust like to stash their mystic pornography. Sometimes they run into each other and embarrassingly engage in small talk which doesn't have anything to do with the weird things they were just doing with their dicks behind closed doors. Instead they act like they're protecting the world from ghosts and goblins.

Although sometimes they discuss their bodily emissions and aberrant behavior explicitly.

Don't misunderstand me! I don't think masturbation is aberrant. But you have to admit that traveling to a secret sex dungeon called The House of Strangers to whack off while a corpse eats your butthole and fairies cream and jizz in your face while several gods watch and create new universes based on how hard you come might be a little bit aberrant.

They don't always come here just to masturbate though. It is called The House of Strangers for a reason. When you can get anything you want via magic, sometimes it's just nice to suck the huge dick of some guy you don't know and will never ever see again. And then sometimes it's fun to get together with all of your famous friends and really ruin the carpet.

Everybody should really be topless here.

I'm really writing myself into a corner with all of this sex stuff. It's not like this comic book is called Secret Sex. Dammit. Now I wish this comic book were called Secret Sex. What's the secret?!

This convocation probably has something to do with Black Alice falling into a coma at the end of the last issue. That's an educated guess which most readers probably didn't make because most comic book readers aren't Grandmasters like I am. It takes a special kind of perceptive ability to remember that last issue ended with Black Alice (who is a magic user!) falling unconscious and then to realize that this issue probably begins at some point after that moment (or before! The convocation might be about how she keeps borrowing their powers!) and that the two are somehow linked. I know, I know! Most of you were just left going, "Der! How do dem stories work?! Duh!" But that's why I'm here to help make sense of them! You can trust you Uncle Tess! Or Aunt Tess. Whatever.

See? That something is a little girl, right?

If whatever is stealing the powers of these magic assholes keeps stealing their powers, The White Gate will fall! Great! Big deal. It's about time that fucking privileged white gate got some comeuppance. How about letting some Gates of Color have a chance, hunh? How about letting people dream of a beautiful house surrounded by a proper fuchsia picket fence? Why doesn't somebody shove a shiv in Tom Sawyer's fucking throat so he stops convincing everybody to whitewash it all?!

Currently Black Alice is in the hospital confusing all of the doctors because those jerks spent their lives believing in science. Don't they know they're in a comic book?! Science is the last thing I'd believe in if the real world were like a comic book! Ralph is with her trying to pretend that Sue didn't just leave him for The Riddler.

The rest of the Secret Six are outside playing basketball. They're probably playing Jungle Rules. That means if the ball goes out of bounds and winds up on the grass, the game turns into a no holds barred wrestling match for possession of the ball.

I'm more concerned about the whereabouts of Shawna's cat than I am the arousal I'm feeling from seeing Ferdie's underwear.

Before I turn the page and find this entire episode deteriorates into chaos, it's nice to see Catman attempting to keep his cohorts in shape by playing a physical game. Why the hell do superheroes think it's smart to smash up billions of dollars of technological marvels in the name of "training"? STAR Labs should be the richest company on Earth selling training robots and simulation chambers.

On the next page, Strix knocks out Catman, takes the basketball up a tree, and proclaims herself winner. It's not the worst game of basketball I've ever witnessed. If this had been a professional game, I'm not even certain Strix would have been called for fouling or travelling if this were her home court.

Meanwhile back in The House of Strangers, the discussion has turned to murdering Black Alice. Apparently she's going through "arcane puberty" and it's a danger to the entire world. Well, if they're going to murder young girls for suddenly wanting to rub up against every door jam in the house, they'd better take a look at Batgirl because she's going mental from lack of penis. Although I think she might be getting some soon now that she's hanging around Luke Fox.

Jesus Christ, Alec! I'm currently drinking tea and now it tastes like scrotal sweat!

Look, you cheeky monkeys, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you just began thinking, "So, Tess, you know what scrotal sweat tastes like, hunh?" I actually pity you and your limited life experiences that you don't know what it tastes like! Take that!

Zatanna is against killing Black Alice. Didn't she just read Gaiman's The Sandman: Overture? If they don't kill Black Alice now, they'll just have to try again two more times and then be forced to have a bunch of people dream up a new universe. Easier to just make an anonymous call to the Suicide Squad and then go wash your hands in the bowl Pontius Pilate used. I'm sure it's lying around the fortress somewhere.

Thank you, Gail, for rescuing Teekl from that horrible Nocenti universe that I'm currently paying a hypnotist hundreds of dollars per month to help me forget!

I bet Klarion's plan is to let him fuck Black Alice so that her sexual energies don't wind up sapping them all dry. Although that's a poor plan because there's no way a youngster like Klarion can sexually satisfy Black Alice. Although an older magician would be too gross to suggest, right? Even worse than suggesting killing her? Right? Wrong and not sexy at all? Yeah. Totally agree with that position completely. Besides, that's a dumb plan anyway. Big Shot probably has a shotgun named Bigger Shot that he'll use to protect Black Alice's virtue (whether or not Black Alice wants it protected (how come fathers never ask their daughters if they want the boy to fuck them? Shouldn't the father comply with his daughter's wishes rather than oppressing her with his own traditional mores and values?)).

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Catman has regained consciousness and decides to take his mates to the weirdest mini-golf course in the world. It has 52 holes. They'd better all be themed on a different DC Comic book.

It is based on DC's comic books! Also, I will be writing an entire book of sonnets to Ferdie which people will study hundreds of years from now and refer to the subject of the sonnets as "The Dark Pervert."

As Catman mumbles some bullshit about feelings, Strix straddles the car being lifted by the Superman statue and I'm reminded (not for the first time during this issue) how much I appreciate when writers inject lightheartedness and fun into what could otherwise be a really dour and serious comic book. You can tell Gail Simone actually enjoys writing these characters and is free to write them the way she wants (I added that last bit because I didn't always get the same sense from when she was writing Batgirl. At least the moments were far fewer when they came). It makes a huge difference when a comic book writer is writing comic books because she wants to write comic books. I can name a bunch of writers who I really don't have to name if you've read much of this blog at all who obviously don't actually care about the characters or the stories. For whatever reason, they just wanted to be known as comic book writers and couldn't care about much else. It really shows in the finished product.

And then Etrigan appears in a fart of sulfur. My guess is that he could please Black Alice sexually. Plus he's a demon so I don't think he's breaking any human laws by having sex with a minor (a sixteen year old minor! I'm not advocating he have sex with a two year old! Christ. Calm down! Maybe try to get angry about something that actually matters and not an idiotic blowhard writing about comic books on the internet!).

Etrigan seems to just be a distraction because back at the hospital, Cheetah, Faust, Klarion, and Black Orchid have come to visit Black Alice.

Or not a distraction? Etrigan trying to help? I bet that barn owl Madame Xanadu asked him nicely. And, yes, by asked, I mean rim jobbed.

The plan to take care of Black Alice is to exile her to Limbo. Well, that's not so bad! At least she'll be able to hang out with characters like Cheeks the Toy Wonder and Jonni DC! Blake warns Ralph to get Black Alice out of the hospital before her visitors arrive. Except they arrive. Ralph's battle with Cheetah, Faust, and Black Orchid wakes up Black Alice who begins channeling all of DC's magic users at once. It looks like that White Gate is about to open if Klarion can't pitch woo quickly enough! Well, not too quickly, of course. But what are the odds Klarion isn't going to blow his load immediately?

Secret Six #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This has been my favorite comic book in the last month as long as you don't count some of the comic books I might have liked better in that time frame. I can't remember any offhand so I'm probably not exaggerating. It had a lot of my favorite components: Blue Devil, Teekl, Etrigan, Ferdie, Mini-golf, a ruined basketball game, a goat (even though it was abused), tea bag tea, a pipe that is also an hourglass, and King Shark. Okay, King Shark was just in tonight's episode of The Flash but I did watch that during a break from reading this, so I think that counts. This comic book is highly recommended by the best comic book reviewer on the internet, so you should probably read it. I won't say who the best comic book reviewer on the internet is but you can probably guess wrong until you guess me and then you'll be right.

Secret Six #6

Goddamn mostly black covers always show how dirty my scanner is. I mean, gross! Your monitor is disgusting!

Those bloody footprints on Susan's train must have been made by The Atom who shrunk down and entered her butt. Hopefully it's not actually Jean Loring or else this wedding is going to end in disaster instead of really weird butt stuff.

Last issue ended with Big Shot Ralph Dibny leading his new "family" into an ambush. Strix and Catman were not tranquilized which seems like a bad idea. It must have been an oversight because Strix alone could take out somebody like The Riddler and his henchmen while Catman licks his own asshole. But then that might also be the point because I highly doubt The Riddler is the real Mockingbird. My money is on Ferdie.

The Riddler has come to the same conclusion I came to in my last commentary: one of the six has a really large diamond shoved up their ass.

What's the secret?! I think the answer to "What's the secret?" is going to keep shifting because this comic book is a lot like Laura Palmer. It's full of secrets and wrapped in plastic and is often manhandled by dimwitted morons named James (and lots of other names as well, I'm sure. Like Bobby or Tess). So right now, the big secret to be discovered is the location of the diamond. The other secrets are things like why is Susan willing to marry The Riddler and who is the real Mockingbird and why doesn't somebody get Strix a fucking electronic tablet already? Oh! I think I know the answer to the last one. Because she'll constantly be playing Fruit Ninja and/or Angry Birds! I couldn't choose between those two games because they both fit her character. What's the secret?!

The Riddler doesn't know the answer to the "Whose butt is worth more than Bruce Wayne?" riddle so he threatens to start shooting kneecaps until somebody squawks. Or at least writes something down on a notepad.

I hate to say, "I told you so, Riddler, because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and I always know everything that's about to happen from my years of experience reading comic books and not doing much else with my life although I'm not really sure what the secret is yet but that's because I'm not sure which one we're actually focusing on right now since I already guessed the diamond in somebody's butt secret."

Strix defeats all of The Riddler's henchmen and then Catman takes care of The Riddler. I guess that takes care of the first pretender to Mockingbird's throne! Although a wedding still has to take place, so I'm guessing Sue might actually be into Nygma for some reason. I bet that reason starts with "org" and ends in "OH MY FUCKING GOD YES!"

Ha ha! That's a comment about where he likes to stick his penis!

I'm not sure I get the "colon" comment because there are two things I am terrible at: punctuation and biology. I probably used that previous colon improperly! Although with a name like E. Nygma, you'd think he'd actually be called the semicolon because who the fuck knows the proper time to use that shit?! The semicolon is always all, "Oh! Oh! You can use me here in this list of complex sentences that use commas which follow a colon if you want to be less confusing than just using another comma between them!" And I'm all, "What the fuck are you talking about? Get out of here with that shit!" And the semicolon is sometimes all, "Oh! Oh! Those two sentences share enough in common that you can use me between them instead of that period which is always getting all of the work anyway!" And I'm all, "Who the fuck let you in here? Get out of here, semicolon!" Then the semicolon pouts and goes off to be used incorrectly in millions of other sentences all over the internet. Good work, semicolon. That'll do.

Just as Catman is about to kill The Riddler, Sue Dibny comes to his rescue and threatens to blow up everybody on the pier if they don't back off. What's the secret?! Oh! Oh! I think I know the new secret! It starts as a riddle: Why would Sue Dibny work for The Riddler in much the same way everybody else works for The Riddler? Because he has something she loves! Like, perhaps, her and Ralph's baby! It's been over a year since the boat explosion, right? A year in which Ralph thought Sue was dead. She was probably pregnant but didn't yet know it the night of the yacht explosion and now she has to do whatever The Riddler says for the sake of her and Ralph's child. What's the secret?!

If I knew anything about punctuation, I'd bet that that ellipsis means something! Like maybe, "I love you Ralph but I have to pretend not to for the sake of our little girl!" It's also possible it simply means, "Who is this bloated weird misshapen man who seems to think I mean something to him which maybe I do since I really can't remember anything past the last year very clearly?"

The Riddler returns to his original plan of shooting all of the Secret Six in the kneecaps until he finds his diamond. But now he expects Ralph to fire the bullets because all of his henchmen have been killed by Strix. Ralph would rather die than live without Sue's love so he decides not to shoot anybody. But the others don't want to die no matter who Sue loves, so they're going to have to start another fight. Porcelain and Catman attack Ralph (even though they don't want to because he's become their surrogate father) while Ferdie does the real heroic work.

I'm a bit disappointed that Ferdie's dialogue was so non-pervy. Maybe "vaudevillians" is a double entendre that I'm not familiar with!

Ferdie reveals to The Riddler that he has the diamond. Didn't I say earlier that I thought Ferdie was the one who stole it? Remember when I said my money was on Ferdie being Mockingbird? That was, um, my way of saying he stole the diamond as well. You just weren't reading closely enough.

Black Alice wakes up dressed as Black Orchid and threatens to destroy everybody with Black Orchid's powers unless they stop hurting Big Shot. Everybody stops not because they're afraid of what Black Alice can now do but because they have to turn to each other and say things like, "Who is Black Orchid again?" or "Black Orchid is magic? I thought she just, um...come to think of it, what does she do?" While everybody Googles Black Orchid on their mobiles, Sue Dibny gets away by boat (possibly with The Riddler although maybe not because Sue might be Mockingbird. What is the secret?!) after which she blows up the docks. But the Secret Six manage to jump or fly away from the explosion in time to not have to change the title to Secret Five or Less. Even though, technically, they're the Secret Seven right now. Math! It's so unreliable.

Ferdie loses the diamond in the explosion so that takes care of that secret. The next secret to discover has to do with Alice passing out after mentioning The Spectre and then suddenly not breathing. I don't think mouth-to-mouth helps bring souls back into bodies though. Unless that's exactly what it does! And here I thought it was all about getting the heart beating and the lungs pumping again. Mouth-to-mouth really is just about kissing passionately until the soul decides to come back to the human body for love, isn't it?

Secret Six #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is pretty good, all things considered. And all of those things are characterization and plot and dialogue and mystery and themes and jokes about punctuation and murderous puppets. Especially the murderous puppets. I don't know how DC Comics runs their company but if they don't begin publishing a Brave and the Bold style team-up book starring Ferdie and Cheeks the Toy Wonder then I can only assume that they hate making money.

Secret Six #5

Why did Simone make Alice so young because now I feel the way I feel when I watch Sailor Moon?

The life of a comic book reviewer is pretty sexy. Not from the outside, of course. From the outside, I'm a grumpy dickhole hunched over a laptop in a dark room snickering to myself as I think up new names to call lousy artists. But from the inside, I'm Jesus Christ here to save the world of comic books! No wait! That's not sexy at all! I forgot that I began saying that my life was pretty sexy! Stop thinking about Jesus being sexy! I won't be responsible for your blasphemy! I think I meant I'm Fabio on the cover of an 80's romance novel sweeping a copy of Elfquest #12 into my eager arms. That's the issue where Skywise met Aroree and probably the moment in comics that sparked the most fan fiction I've ever written (unless it was that scene where Skywise puts the moves on Foxfur). And by "written fan fiction," I actually mean "late night masturbation fantasies." This was before the internet so my fan fiction and masturbation outlets were severely limited.

I was going to continue to explain how great the life of a comic book reviewer is but now I can't stop thinking about how every piece of erotic fan fiction on the internet was probably masturbated to by the author. I also kind of feel like a fraud calling myself a "comic book reviewer" when I hardly ever mention the art, barely dissect the themes inherent in most stories, and mostly just type up any random thought that my synapses can fire off. But that's probably just low self-esteem trying to make me its victim. If you look up self-esteem in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me teabagging it. At least you will in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Oxfordian Dictionary of The Words I Could Remember While Compiling This Dictionary. Oh! "Compile"! That's Another One I Can Add!

I think this needs to be Jon Hamm's next role.

That page is why Gail Simone and I get along so well in my late night fan fiction. She puts her wieners right out there and dares people to make something of it. Some writers think that dignity is something to maintain, something to be hoarded and cherished. But Gail Simone learned a mighty lesson from Of Mice and Men and Old Yeller and took care of her dignity in the proper way by shooting it herself. People respect their dignity so much that they probably think what I just typed was an insult. Fuck no! I don't even remember what my dignity looked like! I'm pretty sure my dignity didn't survive junior high. All dignity does is hold you back and make you think having a character yell, "Red-hot wieners for everybody!", is sophomoric, silly pap. Which it is! But that's a good thing and not a bad thing! Comic books are meant to be fun, people! Get out your red-hot wieners and enjoy this shit. If I wanted to read War and Peace, I'd shoot myself.

Actually, I do want to read War and Peace and I don't actually want to shoot myself. Which reminds me that I need to replace my two favorite shirts in all the worlds! One had hearts and rainbows all over it and said, "I hate myself and want to die." It was made popular by that Engrish website. The other shirt had a penguin with his arms outstretched and read, "I wish I could fly." One time at a theater in Reno, Nevada, as I handed the ticket taker my stub for Thirty Days of Night, she looked down at my shirt and said, "Aww. That's so sad." I never remember what I'm wearing so I assumed it was the one where I hate myself. But then I looked down and saw it was the penguin and that made me smile. It is a rather melancholy shirt.

It was apparent in his reaction to the weird sex on the couch, but this scene really made me see the genius of having Ralph Dibny in a group like this. You need some kind of "normality" barometer with these psychos.

I put "normality" in quotes up there because some people are offended by the dictionary definition of the word normal. We get it! Everything should be acceptable! But that doesn't mean you have to take the definition of "the norm" behind the barn and introduce it to the concept of glory holes. I think it would be less uptight if you did though. And who knows? Norm might even enjoy the working side of the hole.

At the barbecue, Strix sits up in a tree and nobody knows why because I guess they've forgotten she's an owl. Ferdie is drilling holes in the ketchup. Alice is practicing sleeping five feet above the bed. Shauna's stole is more adorable than it ought to be. And Porcelain is getting drunk. The others will probably get drunk too. I know I'd get drunk if I ever decided to meet the neighbors during the yearly block party. But after twelve years of avoiding them, it's getting harder and harder to make an appearance. Besides, the one time I went to the neighbor's pig roast for a few minutes to get a beer and say hello, I was accosted by two people who may have thought their social game was kick ass but found it wasn't good enough to break through my hermit-fu. One guy told me I should try the chocolate covered bacon. I said, "No thank you." And then he said, "No, seriously. You have to try it. It's amazing." And I said, "That's okay." And he said, "You're really missing out. It's so good." And I said, "I don't eat meat." He then blinked a few times and just turned and walked away. Is that how you socialize? Are people supposed to enthusiastically love whatever I love? And if they don't, I just write them off and walk away? The other person must have recognized me as the neighbor that nobody really knows. And it seems maybe I have a reputation that was earned from speculative gossip because as I came down the stairs of my place and walked the few feet into the neighbor's driveway where the keg of beer was, this person approached me and said, "Is it the Witching Hour?" And I said, "What?" And he said, "The Witching Hour! Time to shut it down?" And I said, "I don't know what that is." And he said, "We getting too loud?" And I said, "I'm just here to get a beer." He then blinked a few times and just turned and walked away. Apparently I rock at partying!

Big Shot tells Catman that he thinks of the Secret Six as family. Whoa, whoa! I think that's coming on a little strong, don't you? Family?! Already? I guess Ralph and Sue were always kind of the parents of any group with which they were involved. And now that Sue's gone, Ralph is probably going stir crazy. Also he's probably horny and at least one of these pervos is bound to put out.

Catman heads up to wake up Alice and get her out of above bed. While he's in her room, she mentions having a dream about Preboot Swamp Thing #50. Except they wanted to destroy Alice instead of going into Hell for whatever they were doing during that story. Saving Abby or something, probably. Catman also notices a picture of Sue Dibny and explains that she isn't dead. He has a memory of her torturing him. Uh oh. It looks like maybe the Dibnys are pricks in the Reboot.

Blake decides to ask Big Shot nicely why he's married to a murderous shrew.

That might not be the best answer but it's an answer, I guess.

Porcelain and Shauna have a pleasant discussion while the boys fight it out on the lawn. Shauna shows herself to be far more intelligent than she's been letting on, and quite the clever little innuendoist. If she keeps coming up with clever explanations of comic book tropes, I might have to break my rules and begin crushing on an unattractive character of appropriate age. Although I really don't know how old she is. She could be sixteen but she looks like she crawled out of a Japanese television set that was currently tuned to a documentary about trash heaps. And the way she eats a hot dog could put a man in traction for weeks. Ooh baby!

I've always thought it was odd the way that men can look at women eating food and turn it into something sexual. The power of the Male Gaze is infinite! You know those schools that try to enforce dress codes because they say girls will distract the boys too much? Well, they should keep the girls from eating anything at all as well. In fact, maybe they should just sew all the girls' mouths shut. Or not even allow them to go to school at all! Problem solved!

Black Alice uses her powers to stop the fight which means she dresses up like Hawk and jumps into battle. Is that how her powers have always worked? She steals the trademark of another hero and gets busy fighting? I know she pulled Zatanna's backwards magic trick in an earlier issue, and I think she did something else at some point but I'll be damned if my brain ever decides to cooperate with me. And since the "me" part of me is a figment of my brain's imagination, I might have some kind of problem distinguishing reality.

Big Shot decides to stop fighting and answer Catman's questions. He tells everybody that Mockingbird is actually The Riddler. So by Issue #5, the Secret Six know who their tormentor is? I don't buy it! The Riddler is probably just Mockingbird's red-hot wiener!

There has to be a way bigger conspiracy here than just Mockingbird and the people he's manipulating. You don't once watch All the President's Men on acid and not learn a little something about conspiracies.

Big Shot decides to come clean to his new family. He loads them up in a van and takes a drive down the coast to explain it all. He begins painting a portrait of a night aboard a yacht where The Riddler was trying to fence a famous diamond, The India Star. It was the night the Secret Six's paths would cross for the first time and the entire reason why they were in the positions they found themselves in now. Ralph and Sue were posing as fences to try to get the diamond for a client. Catman and Strix were working security and/or filming cereal commercials. Shauna and Ferdie crashed the party because Shauna is a starfucker. Or, at the very least, a well-dressed-anybodyfucker. And Black Alice and Porcelain were there to steal the diamond. Maybe. Some of them might be lying. What is the secret?!

Whoa! I almost forgot to say "What is the secret?!" during this commentary! That was a close call.

Little did any of the guests know, the India Star wasn't the real reason they were all gathered together.

Somebody's nose forgot to sniff out this little mystery.

The Riddler's diamond was subsequently stolen and his yacht blown up. The only people left on the yacht when it blew were Riddler, the Secret Six, and Sue. Riddler blamed those on his ship for the disaster and that's probably why they wound up in the bottom of the ocean being asked, "What is the secret?!" I guess the answer to that question would be that one of the six has a huge diamond up their ass?

Anyway, Ralph Dibny says he didn't know Sue was still alive. But as we've seen previously, he's in contact with him so it's more probably Sue is the reason Ralph is working for Mockingbird. Just like the others will have reasons why they are as well. Many layers of this conspiracy have yet to be exposed. Maybe I can figure them out if I drop some acid next month. Although if I do, this commentary will be full of observations like "Triangles are the perfect shape because three is the perfect number" and "Why do you push the pause button to pause a movie and then push the pause button again to unpause the movie instead of pushing play?" and "Jupiter is following me. It won't stop looking at me" and "Books with pictures in them would be a great idea!" and "Am I really typing this or am I just a homeless vagabond desperate and alone and fantasizing in a ditch down by the trainyards?" Acid might be an enjoyable way to pass an evening, like playing video games or a round of tennis, but I don't believe it helps one think grand and interesting thoughts. Especially when you're busy trying to smash those tiny people climbing in and out of the handle on your comic book boxes. I hate those fuckers.

The group arrive at the dock of Edward Nygma's new yacht and Sue appears. At the same moment, Black Alice and Shauna are sedated by tranquilizer darts. It's a trap! Of course! The Riddler captures them all and announces there will be a wedding the next day. I guess Sue has made her choice! Probably just to keep Ralph alive. But still, it's gotta hurt that the woman you love would choose a cheesy Batman villain over your silly stretchy self, right?

Secret Six #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book contains characters that interact with each other in ways that real people might actually interact with each other. Most people would think, "Well duh! Isn't that how fiction should read?" Well, yes! But you'd be surprised at how seldom that actually happens in comic books. A lot of dialogue is simply written towards getting characters to engage in some kind of physical conflict. Complexity of character is not something comic books have traditionally done well. So it's always refreshing to read a book like this with a bunch of characters sitting around at a picnic which makes you think, "Jesus Christ, this is exactly what Thanksgiving is like with my family." I love the words and the story and the art and the characters. It's a fun book and I'm glad it's on the shelves. One more thing which I didn't mention because, as I did mention earlier, I suck as a comic book reviewer: I love Eaglesham's chaotic covers. Please keep them coming. They're like little mini-posters that I would easily hang on my walls if I were still in a phase of my life where I stapled shit to walls. Maybe I'll get a gym membership simply to tape these covers up in my locker so I can stand naked before them and gaze at their beauty.