Suicide Squad #15

Super-tits?

I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. The Republican Party just needs a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hillary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hillary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hillary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell! Suicide Squad? More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Suicide Squad #11

So nobody else is going to do it? It's up to me to tell John Romita Jr that he is a terrible artist? Fine.

• I was so happy when I realized John Romita Jr. wasn't on All Star Batman anymore that I forgot that would free him up to shit all over a different comic book. I guess Jim Lee finally remembered that art deadlines were a pain in the ass and he just went back to doing whatever the hell other crap he does at DC Comics. His main job right now is probably telling Warren Ellis all about how he has to hit his monthly deadline on The Wild Storm, the hypocrite.

• Based on the first page with Amanda Waller sitting in the shadows and drinking scotch, I'm going to theorize that John Romita Jr. does not know how to draw fat people. Which means Amanda gets to be skinny again, I guess. That's probably easier than somebody having to say to Romita, "I read your father's comics. I jerked off over his art. I played that stupid Scott Adams Incredible Hulk adventure game for his art. Johnny boy, you're no John Romita Sr!" I'm sure if anybody criticizes Romita's art, even if they're paying him and have a right to, he probably just mutters, "I fucking did Kick Ass. KICK ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! I don't need this shit!" Then enraged, he probably scribbles all over the art he was working on and the person criticizing him glances at it and thinks, "Hmm, better!"

• Suddenly Amanda Waller is really into chess analogies. Does she know she doesn't work for Checkmate?

• Apparently, Justice League vs. Suicide Squad isn't over. Now the Suicide Squad has to deal with an angry Rustam looking to get even with the Suicide Squad. That's disappointing. This was one of the few books that consistently had the team actively pursuing an agenda instead of just falling back on their heels and defending themselves from an outside attack. Although, in the end, don't all of these Suicide Squad stories simply amount to Amanda Waller manipulating a bunch of people to pursue her own needs? Like now! She'll use the Squad to protect her from Rustam.

• The Squad is currently in Tibet pursuing one of those agendas I mentioned they're constantly pursuing. I can't think of any reason they'd be in Tibet. Maybe they need Yak fur?

Why work on an interesting or convoluted plot when you can just break it down into its simplest component parts? Killing people for freedom! America!

• Look at Deadshot in that above panel. How the hell does he see out of the scope on that mask? Who has eyes placed that far on the outside of their face?! Has John Romita Jr. ever actually seen the face of a person?

• Everybody's costume is different. The pretend reason is that they're all wearing their Tibetan Attack Action Figure outfits. The real reason is almost certainly that John Romita Jr. decided he didn't need any reference pictures and maybe even threatened to quit if the editor didn't stop criticizing his work.

• As the Suicide Squad begins killing the bad guy bastards, one of them yells, "They've found us! Wipe the hard drive! Do it now!" I guess they're busting a Tibetan child pornography ring.

• Nobody is close enough to the computer to wipe the files. Seems like a mistake since yelling "They've found us!" suggests they knew somebody was looking for them. Luckily, the computer was built with a "Delete Hard drive?" section with two big buttons, Y and N. Although why would you need the N? The question and buttons would still be there waiting for somebody to press the Y! Unluckily, the guy trying to wipe the hard drive knows too much about the Suicide Squad for his own good.

I don't think the whole Task Force X philosophy is working. Everybody knows they work for the United States government. And even if they can't prove it, the results of Squad missions always seem to be advantageous to the United States.

• Harcourt is currently in charge of the Squad because Romita can't draw fat people.

• I don't know what has happened to Rob Williams but he's decided the Suicide Squad is a farce. Killer Croc is shyly admitting his love to Enchantress. Enchantress is spouting over-the-top semi-intelligent death metal lyrics. The souls in Katana's sword are dying to go shopping. And Harley is still acting in that trying too hard whimsical way to show that her insanity places her outside of fear. I don't mind if the Suicide Squad becomes a dark comedy. But this writing with the tongue firmly in the cheek is as terrible as Harley's solo comic book. I love a comic book that makes me laugh. But I abhor a comic book that tries to make me laugh and doesn't even come close.

• Meanwhile, Rustam blows one wall on Blackgate Penitentiary and all of the criminals go free. Serves Blackgate right for letting all of the inmates hang out in the outer courtyard of the prison at night.

• Even though Jim Lee isn't currently doing the art on this book, it's still split into two stories. The next story gets to focus more on Amanda Waller because Eddy Barrows is doing the pencils and he can sort of draw a slightly larger than skinny woman.

• The second story begins with Amanda telling her sad story to General Zod. Zod, for some reason, has been removed from his Phantom Zone Sphere. There will probably be plot reasons later that necessitated this change.

• This second story takes place after the first one. The Squad has been given a night off and they're spending it in New Orleans. Amanda decides to go join them.

"Been sat here." Rob Williams just outed himself as a Brit! Not that he was probably trying to hide it. But Flag would never say "been sat here"!

• Waller takes a walk down a dark alley and gets shot by some guy wielding two pistols. I guess she just got killed by Grifter. Does he still exist in this universe? Bah, it was probably somebody else. So I guess she's dead now. She totally seems like a good candidate for the first character to die and stay dead in the Suicide Squad. No tricks here!

The Ranking!
-1! The writing was not enjoyable and the art was terrible.

Detective Comics #946

Batman is now responsible for everybody he couldn't save.

The Review
At one point in this issue, Spoiler discusses her misgivings about being a superhero with a programmed bit of Clayface that looks and acts like Tim Drake. This is part of what she says:

I fucking hate this with all of my comic book loving heart.

I don't know exactly where the blame falls for comic books entering a modern era where everybody had to deconstruct what they mean or where writers decided to discuss real world consequences of having superheroes and super-villains. But whoever is to blame, they fucking broke the magic of superhero comic books. I'm not saying some remarkable stories didn't come out of that perspective. But it paved the way for lazy writers to merely write stories where the villains sole reason for existing was to defeat the bad guy. Sure, there was probably quite a bit of this previously but that was before the change in perspective of viewing heroes and the normal people around them as if they were real. It was a naive landscape where The Joker could go after the Batman simply for the sake of going after the Batman because he wasn't murdering thousands of residents of Gotham every time he attacked. No when The Joker attacks Gotham simply to punish Batman, the audience can't escape the question: would Gotham be safer without Batman? That's a question that should never have to be asked in comic books. We shouldn't be delving into the idea that superheroes cause more harm than good because at that moment, the entire reason for superheroes ceases to exist.

When you have story after story of a villain attacking Superman or Wonder Woman or The Flash or Batman or The Teen Titans simply because they have a vendetta against them, all collateral damage and innocent lives lost can, arguably, be blamed on the hero. Every time Superman is manipulated by a villain to do evil, Superman becomes a threat rather than an inspiration. Years of lazy writers who couldn't be bothered to come up with a criminal motivation for the super-villain and instead simply had the villain target the hero created the next generation of writers asking the question, "Why aren't more people angry that proximity to superheroes causes death and destruction?" Now heroes have to constantly be proving that they make things at least 51% safer than if they weren't there as opposed to what they once were: simply heroes that people were inspired by and whom people trusted and who fucking, quite simply, made the world a better place.

Fuck this bullshit that heroes are responsible for the death and destruction caused by villains. And here's the worst thing: I can't say that they aren't responsible! Of course the Teen Titans made New York an unsafe city because every fucking time the Fearsome Five or the Brotherhood of Evil or Deathstork showed up causing death and destruction it was because they were trying to kill the Teen Titans. Lazy comic book writers have made it so I can't enjoy a fucking Teen Titans book where Councilwoman Alderman is wrong to want them out of the city! She's a fucking asshole who is written to be an asshole and a villain but she's got a fucking point!. Give me back my heroic heroes who never allow themselves to be the reason for death and destruction. Make your fucking heroes heroic again, DC Comics.

What I'm saying is the heroes should never have to slow the fuck down long enough to ask themselves if what they're doing actually helps! Goddammit. It should be obvious. Make it obvious, you pricks.

Spoiler returns to the Bat-family after her philosophical musings with fake Red Robin. She stops them from sending the Victim Syndicate to the police after they've defeated them all because she has a few things to say about Batman and the world he's created. Oh boy. I can hardly fucking wait.

The Ranking!
No change! Batman still doesn't know exactly who the First Victim is but does it really matter to Batman? To him, the real First Victim, the one he couldn't save but always blames himself for, is his Mother. Definitely not his Father because his Father should have fucking saved his Mother, the creep.

Detective Comics #944

Batman lurks in the baths of every citizen of Gotham.

Do you think it would be appropriate to write a sequel to The Diary of Anne Frank? Just asking for a friend! A really insensitive friend!

This issue begins with Harper Row revealing that she's into hover cars. I don't mean she wants to work on them and build them and drive them. Not unless all of those things are euphemisms for fucking! Then I totally meant that! Would that mean she's autosexual? That's probably a confusing term! I mean, I'm autosexual and it has nothing to do with cars!

Luke Fox's Me! Me! Me! Gala has gone tits up and sideways! I should probably have described it in some other fashion because now I have a boner.

The Victim Syndicate have attacked because they feel that's the best way to tell Gotham City that Batman isn't wanted anymore. He's a danger to the city and if people don't turn against him, they're going to be a danger to the City! And Batman will probably defeat them, proving that he's not a danger to the city at all but a help! I don't think they thought their plan through very well.

Since Luke Fox is Batwing, Batwing is going to help beat up the Victim Syndicate.

For fuck's sake. Just give everybody super powers because I'm sick of geniuses who can build any ridiculous gadget the writer can think of and the artist can draw. That's not how genius and technology works! If it were, my toaster would be a ray gun that transforms into a motorcycle slash dick sucking machine.

Also at the Gala are Renee Montoya and Harvey Bullock. Renee decides she should act like a cop and stop these jokers while Harvey decides they should wait around for Batman, maybe? But Renee pulls two of the craziest revolvers out of her ass and walks right up to the leader of the Victim Syndicate. You know how people do when they're wielding guns because they seem to think they work like knives and should be used by putting yourself within striking distance of the person you're trying to subdue with them.

I meant it literally when I said she pulled them out of her ass. Where else could she have been keeping them? Oh! I know! Her vagina!

Apparently those goofy guns are part of the new technology Luke Fox was trying to sell to the Gotham police at this gala. So this is actually some kind of Tupperware Party for weapons? That means Renee must have scooped up the display models. No way those will actually fire, right? If they do then I've got to think Luke Fox staged this attack to sell more guns! Of course he'd want to put Batman out of business. Batman doesn't buy his weapons from anywhere but Wayne Enterprises! Foxtech's only way to compete is to convince the police force that they need new fancy weapons like Batman's!

Batman arrives but finds he can't punch the leader of the Victim Syndicate. That's the guy's genius idea to defeating Batman. He created a suit that keeps Batman from punching him and, thus, Batman can't win! Because how does Batman defeat somebody he can't punch? I mean aside from the way he defeated Hugo Strange two issues ago when he couldn't punch him. Never mind that. Forget that story. This is new and interesting and not recycled from a story two months ago!

The leader of the Victim Syndicate introduces two of his cohorts, Mr. Noxious and The Mute. Mr. Noxious makes people sick by calling them gross and disgusting. And The Mute makes everybody shut up and listen. I'm starting to suspect that the leader's name might be Tumblr. Although I hope it's just Mister Victim! The Blame would also be acceptable!

Oh! I know who the leader is! It's Councilwoman Alderman from Marv Wolman's 80s New Teen Titans!

The two other people who remember Councilwoman Alderman will probably agree with me!

Batman decides that The Blame's deal isn't to his liking so he punches The Blame in the face instead. I'm not sure that was the best response. I mean, The Blame did challenge Batman to punch him by telling Batman that Batman would never be able to punch him! But The Blame also basically said that punching was all Batman could do, so does Batman really want to prove The Blame right? Also, The Blame's unpunchable suit was taken offline by Batwing because remember how Batwing can do fucking anything because he's so Goddamned smart? I can't wait until he's removed from the DCU by Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) too!

I suppose if I had to choose between Tim Drake and Luke Fox, I'll take Luke Fox every day of the week except Friday which is a day I refuse to make any decisions. But it's a little bit annoying that Tim Drake can be replaced so easily. I'm pretty sure Luke Fox could die horribly on the next page and Batman could still fill the position on his squad of Young Technological Genius. Just using characters currently in this story, he could still fill the slot with Harper Row!

Batman takes a huge gamble knocking out The Blame. After all, he did see how Mr. Noxious filled Spoiler with poison in the space of a few seconds seemingly by thought alone. Should he really risk the lives of everybody in the room? Oh wait! It's Batman! He probably instantly figured out how Mr. Noxious's powers work and then pulled some kind of gadget out of his bat-belt which negated them. Or he instantly threw dozens of tiny Batarangs with vaccines in them that inoculated everybody in the room against every disease known to the medical community! That one sounds like the most implausible and the coolest, so that's probably what he did.

The Orphan kicks Mr. Noxious in the back of the head, causing him to faceplant into the floor and probably lose most of his front teeth. Now he'll be an even better poster boy for the Victim Syndicate! "'Batman musht be shtopped!' says Mr. Baby Talk Noxious! Join the Revolution today!"

Even if she did talk, how is The Mute's muting power supposed to help in a physical confrontation?!

The short woman in the sunhat on the Victim Syndicate is named Mudface. Apparently Clayface ruined her life and she thought, "I know! I'll take on a name similar to his but worse!"

The Blame reveals that he or she was the first innocent victim whose life Batman ruined. So I guess The Blame actually goes by the name The First Victim? Is this that author who was dying of cancer who blamed the Justice League for the death of his family who died in Darkseid's attack? Or maybe it's the kid who was turned into Magog by Circe because he blamed heroes for not saving his family? I suppose it could also be Glorious Godfrey! I suppose it could also be Dick Grayson, right?

Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands paralyzes Batman by injecting him with something that Batman isn't immune to for some reason. I thought he always planned ahead! At least it doesn't paralyze his diaphragm so that he suffocates standing in the middle of the room unable to move. Although how is he still standing if he's unable to move? I guess it's the rigid Bat-armor! After injecting Batman, Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands has another trick up her wrist gadget!

How does Edwina know what the police are feeling?

Does it really make sense that Luke Fox littered the gala with operable versions of his new technology? Isn't that something that should have been tested in the safety and privacy of a police training center? And anyway, who cares if the police begin shooting the guns off like crazy people?! They're non-lethal technology, right? That's the whole point!

So the next page confirms that the police shot up the place like lunatics simply because they suddenly had no fear. It's weird because fear usually makes people do stupid things! But in this case, not being afraid made them do something stupid! Nobody is harmed though because Luke Fox's weapons only fired rubber bullets. I guess they can fire real bullets too if needed. They're like Star Trek phasers with different settings.

Later at The Belfry, Luke explains how he thinks the entire night was a win and Batman gets suspicious because the only real winner was Foxtech! They probably just sold a shitload of Smart Guns! Batman probably just heard WayneTech's stock fall through the floor.

Batwoman, Batman, and Batwing discuss the members of the Victim Syndicate so that the next time they appear, I'll know what to call them all. None of the other members of the team are invited to this debrief. I guess it's only for the members with Bat in their names.

The Mute was a victim of The Joker's toxin. So, obviously Batman is to blame. Madame Crow, aka Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands, was experimented on by The Scarecrow. Again, obviously Batman's fault. Mr. Noxious was poisoned by Poison Ivy. Again, Batman. And Mudface we already know about. All totally Batman's fault for existing. Also totally the writers of Batman's fault for being lazy and writing so many stories where the only reason the criminals were up to no good was to defeat Batman. I've always been vocal about my dislike of superhero stories where the villain's sole purpose is to destroy the hero. It's why I have such a strong dislike of Marv Wolfman's 80s New Teen Titans. But what I hate even more than that are stories like this that are a reaction to that. Now people hurt by villains actually have a reason to blame the heroes because the villains do nothing but try to kill heroes. Heroes in the DC Universe apparently only exist to get beaten up by villains who dislike them for some reason. The reason has long since passed "the hero keeps stopping them from committing crime" because no villain in the DC Universe ever tries to commit crime anymore. They do one of two things: try to kill the hero or try to take over and/or destroy the Omniverse. Nobody robs a fucking bank anymore. Probably because that's boring!

Later, as Leslie Thompkins scolds Batman for putting children in danger but doesn't do anything about it, The First Victim visits Spoiler. I guess Spoiler is about to take on the name The Last Victim!

The Review!
-1 Ranking! I think I made my feelings clear in the commentary section! While I sort of like the vibe of this comic because it just feels like classic Detective Comic stuff, I'm annoyed by the entire premise. Enough with the victims of supervillain attacks becoming supervillains themselves because they blame the heroes. And what that means is enough with DC superheroes only existing to protect themselves from supervillains! They have no purpose and no need to exist if all they are doing is fending off attacks by people who want them dead. They're now in the Second Wave of those attacks where people who almost died because of the people who want the heroes dead now want the heroes dead! It's all getting a bit too meta for me!

Detective Comics #940

Emo Tim is off to college!

The Commentary!
• Some people may have been thinking Detective Comics was now a comic book where Batman gets to interact with fan favorite members of the Bat-Family who haven't had much time to shine during The New 52. Some people may have even thought it was about Batman working through his control issues to let Batwoman run things her own way. It's even possible this could have been a comic book about how Clayface redeems himself and winds up rekindling his acting career and winning an Oscar. But it isn't actually about any of those things. It's not even about something new. It's just more of the same old DC Universe same old.

Am I the only person in the universe who hasn't based my entire life on the approval of my father?!

• Tim is battling hundreds of armed drones all by himself. Batman is so panicked that he actually asks Nightwing to contact Midnighter for help! Why would Batman even acknowledge the better version of himself?! He's better off pretending he's never heard of him. When you know somebody exists who is better at doing the thing you do, the only way to seem like you're actually better is to pretend you've never heard of the person! Batman just ruined his only method of getting one over on Midnighter! I guess he loves Tim that much. No, wait. I think he doesn't believe in Tim's abilities that much!

• Tim manages to defeat the first wave of drones but not without suffering serious injuries to the everything. So now he sees the second wave approaching and he just gives up. He's all, "Tell everybody I loved them! Except Damian! Fuck that piece of shit! ROBIN OUT, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

• Batman looks around to make sure nobody is around him before he yells, "TIM!" Batman should be more like Deathstroke and then he'd never have to worry about exposing the secret identity of his superhero children. I mean, if you don't even realize that your son's name is Joseph then you never have to worry about using his real name in public! Although it is weird when he's trying to have a tender moment with Joseph and Slade keeps calling him Jericho. But that was the latest version of The New 52 Deathstork! Since the Rebirth, he seems to know his kids' names again.

• Tim says goodbye to Stephanie and a bunch of fans who have invested a bunch of emotion in this fake relationship have feelings. I just yawn and stuff another Oreo into my mouth. It's good to be dead inside!

Is the death of yet another Robin still a shock? Dick is now the only one who never died, right?

• I don't remember seeing a lot of outrage on the Internet about Tim Drake's death so this must be a hologram or something.

• Batman is all, "Bring Jacob Kane to me! He'll pay for the death of another Robin that isn't in any way my fault at all for creating a dangerous environment to bring young kids into! Alfred, get the Bat-testicle peelers ready!"

• Batwoman is all, "But we don't kill, Batman! We only involve ourselves in the part of justice before the sentencing! This goes against everything we believe!" And Batman is all, "Oh, he'll get his day in court! But his testicles will have to go in a Glad sandwich bag to keep from completely unraveling! Also he might die of secondary infections but those won't be my fault at all. That's like his own fault for not caring for his wounds properly."

• Batman creepily waits for Spoiler in her unlit room and surprises her when she climbs through the window weeping. Batman is all, "Tim died a hero just like I always wanted him to do!" And Spoiler is all, "Read this, asshole!" And Batman reads a letter from a university that accepted Tim into their genius grant program. Batman drops the letter shocked and thinks, "Why would Tim take this grant away from a student who needs the help?! I could have paid his tuition and this spot could have been left open for some genius in need!" At least, that's what I think he thinks since he just looks shocked and drops the letter. I can't imagine he was thinking anything else!

• After that, Spoiler and Batman hug which is the hardest part of this story to read so far. Batman hugging is fucking awkward.

• Tim Drake finds himself in Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s Who's Who Zoo next to the Doomsday exhibit. Apparently the bad guys who totally aren't the editors at DC Comics, you guys, decided that Tim and Spoiler getting back in a relationship wasn't good for The Watchmen's sour universe full of grim and grit and realism and laughs that aren't actually laughs but existentialist realizations that nothing matters. I wonder if he's in the same cell Jason Todd must have been in for decades!

Ranking: -1!

Detective Comics #939

Tim stole this move from Dick.

The Review!
First off, I want to get one thing straight: I didn't cry almost immediately while reading this comic book. That is a slanderous misconception of what actually happened. And even if I was crying (which I wasn't), Kate Kane said it was okay to cry if I wanted to! Although who made her the arbiter of allowance?! Bruce didn't need her permission and he didn't seem to have the same old fashioned ideas about crying as I expressed when I lied about crying because I was ashamed of having done it. He's just out there in the front row at the funeral letting the tears flow! Giving him permission is simply putting voice to the concern that people think men shouldn't cry which could possibly humiliate Bruce when he wasn't thinking about that aspect of his sadness at all!

I assume Bruce is crying because he has so much money now and that's a heavy responsibility.

Anyway, that's how this comic chooses to begin: depressing the fuck out of me! How dare it show a child at his parents' funeral when I'm 44 years old and my parents are both still alive! The lucky little bastard.

After the funeral, the comic book returns to the present which is the real story people want to read about because it's the part of the story with Stephanie Brown and Cassandra Cain who people really like for some reason.

Jeez. You depend on Superman one time and now he's on speed dial!

What is Batman's "Black Line"? Does that connect him to the Dakotaverse? Or is it a secret connection to one of the DCU's five hundred black ops organizations? Or maybe it's just Jason Blood's home number. You never know when you're going to need a demon fighting by your side.

Tim plans on going off to university after the battle with The Colony is over but he doesn't want to tell Batman yet because Batman loves acting hurt and disappointed when his kids don't choose to do exactly what he wants them to do. Hopefully Tim remembers how he kept something secret from Batman the next time Batman reveals something he's been keeping secret from Tim. Although I doubt Tim will because one thing characters in comic books who aren't Batman never fail to do is pout when they find somebody was keeping something from them, even if it were for a good reason. And speaking of people keeping things from other people, Batwoman tells Batman that if she's going to work with him, he has to stop lying to her. He agrees just like he always agrees with everybody who says that to him which is always just a lie! But they buy it and he gets some good work out of them for a bit until they get their feelings hurt by him again and they storm off into their own comic books series. But they have to admit that justice always prevails when pursued the Batman Way! The Batman Way is just a lot of lying, skulking in shadows, and breaking bones.

Alfred gets the Black Line ready and connects it for Batman.

And I thought my Dakotaverse line might be insensitive! Who seriously calls their phone line directly to President Obama "The Black Line"?! I suppose my first two guesses as to what it was were sort of correct. Kind of. In a way.

Bat-School learns about The Colony's Machine Gun Drones coming to murder six hundred innocent people so Batwoman declares it's time for another field trip. The assignment: nobody dies in Gotham tonight! I wonder who is going to be assigned all of the hospitals and old folks' homes?

Jacob Kane believes the League of Shadows has a bunch of sleeper agents within his list of six hundred potential terrorists. Batman doesn't believe in the League of Shadows because Batman forgot that he also didn't believe in The Court of Owls. I suppose he also doesn't remember eating all of that crow when it turned out the Court of Owls existed and he wasn't really prepared for their celebration, The Night of the Talons. Well, he's soon going to discover that he's two for two on being completely wrong about secret organizations within Gotham. Maybe he's not as Gotham as he thinks he is.

The drones are headed to Spoiler's section of Gotham so Tim Drake reprograms the drones to hunt him instead of a bunch of innocent people who are all around Spoiler and might get her killed. Sigh. He's so romantic!

And that's it! It seemed a bit light on story since most of the story was just the threat of imminent drones and who would be on the other end of the Black Line and how much Batman lies to everyone. I sort of wish the funeral scene had gone on longer because that was the best bit. The final page has Tim Drake surrounded by hundreds of Machine Gun Drones with just a staff to protect himself so I'm predicting he's killed next issue. Or at least turned into a vampire!

Detective Comics #935

Sure, Batman gets his name on the cover. What about Batwoman? And what about Black Canary in Green Arrow? And Mera in Aquaman? I'm beginning to suspect there might be sexism in comic books.

The Review!
This is the comic book where Batwoman has wound up so if you're into Batwoman, you're probably going to pick up this comic book. It's not as good as Batwoman was when Blackman and Williams were writing and drawing it. But I don't think we should try to make everything live up to its absolute best! Why should we ask for the highest standard possible from a company whose products we're buying?! I mean, most of you probably aren't buying the products anyway, right. BIG MANGA WINK. So you can't really expect DC to hire the best writers and artists when they aren't getting the money they might be expecting, can you? Plus it's better if the comic isn't absolutely stunning because then it's easier to justify pirating it! Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to use the P-word! I meant easier to justify reading it on the sly? Reading it fairly for free? Why did I even bring up torrenting and theft and stealing anyway? It has nothing to do with this comic book! It's not my favorite book but it's a decent read and I like Batwoman. Plus Tim and Steph fuck while Cassie watches, so that's probably worth at least half of the cover price, right?

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Batwoman putting the Batkids through a training simulation. It's a super realistic training simulation too! One where Gotham is being attacked by five hundred Jokers while a plague of locusts devours everything in sight. If they can't prove themselves in this simulation, how will they ever be able to stop one Joker? Or two? Or three, at most?! They have to know how to take down five hundred at a time or they're not ready for even one!

Red Robin shuts down the simulation since he designed it. It uses pieces of Clayface to create the scenario which just seems insensitive to Clayface. It also sounds disgusting which is the part that would make me averse to using it. Which "spare" parts of Clayface does it use? Although this is pretty close to my idea of a training room heroes could use where they hire Multiplex to create copies of himself to be the antagonists. He'd probably cost less than robots or machines or this "Mud Room" of Tim's. Plus it would keep him out of trouble.

I guess Batman didn't want Clayface knowing where the Batcave was so he needed a new base to run Bat-School out of.

Wouldn't sharing this great 911 technology with the Gotham Police Department be the responsible thing to do? And ixnay on the aybay, Tim! Ayfaceclay is right erethay!

Tim has spent way too long doing whatever the hell he wanted while answering to nobody, so he's got a problem with Batwoman's training regime. He's probably lucky he's not in jail! He should just bite his stupid lip and keep his head down and do what he's told! You know, like nobody ever likes to do, or to be told to do. Tim decides to take the problem straight to the top. He goes off to whine at Batman.

Bully for Dr. Thompkins! Except her objection is like a Facebook post. It has not teeth or action behind it and she just goes on with the status quo while helping Batman put kids in danger.

I thought the "Doctor" in Dr. Thompkins' name was more of an educational thing. I thought she was into helping counsel orphans and runaways. Or maybe she was just into cutting up dead people! I suppose I should just admit I know nothing about her and should just accept that she has the skills to take care of a comatose Azrael, even when she's telling Batman she doesn't have those skills. I trust Batman more than Dr. Thompkins!

Dr. Thompkins tells Batman that Azrael is in no condition to talk and then the jerk begins talking. Way to throw the doctor under the bus, jerkbro! Luckily Azrael isn't disoriented or groggy when he comes to. He's able to tell Batman about the Colony before he passes out again. I'm no Batman but I think I'd take Azrael's message with a grain of salt. Why would I think he wasn't just ranting and raving about something he was just dreaming? I'm supposed to believe he wakes up from a coma and immediately spouts out helpful information before falling unconscious again? I guess the most important part of what I just said is the part where I said I was no Batman. Batman must have a way of knowing the difference between nonsense and plot devices.

Tim heads back to Steph's apartment to fuck so I guess that's something that's going on. Unless Tim is actually Clayface and Steph is fucking Clayface. I doubt that's happening because that would be rape and nobody wants fans being upset about rape in a story arc. Besides, Clayface already raped Poison Ivy some time ago in Detective Comics #896. For some reason, I don't remember that causing much of a hullabaloo. Probably because the people who get angry about stuff like this don't actually give a shit about reading DC Comics. They just give a shit about making a ruckus and feeling good about screaming at other people. Asking Lord Google about it, I don't see any mention of the rape aside from my own blog. I guess I should have been more vocal about it!

Kate has some family drama with her dad but since I don't like her dad, it probably wasn't an important scene. But it appeared in the story for some reason, right?! Maybe Kate's inability to tie a tie without it leaning to the left will be important later in the story! I'm sure that was the important part of the scene and not the part about how Kate is going to have to keep those kids together fighting the war against crime because Batman is a loner who isn't really good at teamwork.

Surprise! Batman has ulterior motives and is keeping secrets!

Batman is waylaid on his way home by The Colony! For some reason, they think fifty to one is good odds. Not against the Jeezly-Crow Batman, dum-dums! Plus, according to the cover, Batwoman will be along to help! Although not until next issue. So it's weird that that was on the cover, right?!

Detective Comics #934

Did Bats choose the purple to match Selina or The Joker?

The Review or Whatever!
Writing a comic book is much easier than writing a totally new book because you don't have to sit in the coffee shop looking thoughtfully at the ceiling while tapping a pencil across your face thinking, "How white and male should the main character be?" With comic books, you just get your assignment and go, "Oh hey! My main character is so white and male! Easy peasy!" Even if you don't get handed a piece of cake assignment and your character winds up being some other skin tone or gender, don't worry! You can probably get away with writing the character exactly how you were going to write it already since the gender and skin tone are mostly the work of the artists! But now you should try to include one or two panels every issue where the main character shakes their fist and goes, "Eww! White males!" And even though that sounds pretty easy already, it's actually easier than that! Because the character probably has so much history behind it already that you'll have a team of editors telling you all of the things you can't make the character do. You'll probably screw up so many times, the editor will just snatch your pen out of your hands and scream, "Give me that! I'll just do it myself!" After that, you'll have plenty of time to come up with a totally new character for the new book you're going to have to write because you've just been fired.

James Tynion IV knows what I'm talking about! Not only did he not have to come up with Batman all on his own, he didn't even need to fill out an application or send in a resume to write him! He just had to be the most successful teacher's pet ever! Now I wish I hadn't rolled my eyes so much in college. Although my creative literature teacher was blind so it didn't hurt when I did it in her class. Unless she had a teacher's pet who always snitched on me and then that teacher's pet went on to write all of the comics that my creative literature teacher didn't feel like writing but still wanted some cash for so she made sure to point out what a great opportunity she'd given the teacher's pet as the only writing she engaged in was adding her name to the writing credits as co-writer.

This issue begins with Azrael being electrocuted in a church by a shadowy person that has stolen Batman's aesthetic. I am disappointed when it is revealed that it was a Batman Look-a-like because I do not like Azrael much at all. It would be a shame if Batman didn't get to kill him. It would be a real black eye to Batman's reputation. I know I am already behind the new impostor Batman due to his Azrael initiative.

Have you noticed the word "impostor" has been used a lot in recent issues of DC Comics? And that editorial has not demanded any kind of consistency in the spelling! Sometimes it's impostor and sometimes it's imposter! So unprofessional!

Is this Doctor Ozymandias again? Or is everybody suddenly into watching walls full of monitors? Maybe this is the second Joker!

Batwoman makes her first appearance since World War II. I mean the World War II comic book that she's in where she's more sports-minded. I was going to say literal-minded but a bat is also a bat which is a bat, so how is Batwoman any more literal than Batwoman? You see? Previous to her World War II fascination with baseball, the great American total borefest, she was a hunter of urban legends. Now that's a sport I can get behind! It's why my favorite hockey team is the New Jersey Devils. How many professional sports organizations have an urban legend as a mascot?! I'm also lying about the Devils being my favorite hockey team. The hockey season is too long for me to give a shit about. But I am enjoying the Stanley Cup this year because the Sharks are as close as I'll ever get to having an actual favorite hockey team. I think it's fair to only like sports during the play-offs or finals. Some people might enjoy calling other people names like fair-weather fan or bandwagon jumper or Mister Fatty Fatty Buy Two Seats. But I just ignore them! I mean, a seven game final series is just about half the normal football season alone! So somebody who watches the playoffs of any sports that uses a seven game series to determine the winner is already investing more time than a football fan. Man, those football fans are lazy assholes, amirite?!

I once went to an All-Star game! That's like seeing the entire season in one game! I also saw Rush at the Shark Tank one year but they didn't skate.

For some reason, Batwoman takes phone calls while she's out on patrol. Her father is trying to get her to rejoin the military (or at least his civilian contracted outfit The Crows or whatever they were called) because he thinks she works better in a team. I don't think she really did but Tynion has to set it up as if that's the way of things so it won't be weird when Batwoman accepts the invitation from the Bat-Gang instead of crumpling it up and throwing it in the corner while screaming, "Oh! Are you finally going to fucking acknowledge I exist, you assholes?! What's the angle?!"

Kate Kane discovers Batman hiding in the shadows of her house because he has no concept of privacy or sense of decorum. I guess that's essential to being a vigilante. How are you going to catch criminals outside of the law if you can't sneak into a few friends' places or crash through every single skylight in the city with no care at all about the dangers of leaving all of that broken glass everywhere?

Batman has decided to be friends with Batwoman because he has a mystery to solve and he needs Kate Kane to get ready for her act. Partially because the Mystery Drones were watching her as well as watching Batman and partially because this mystery might involve an urban legend about a conspiracy that threatens Gotham. It might also involve the Watchmen, what with all the discussion of people being watched and all.

Why does Kate keep her bananas with her potatoes?

Batman wants Batwoman to help train the dozens of Bat-Orphans who keep showing up on his doorstep. To get her to trust him, he reveals to her that he's her cousin, Bruce Wayne! He's then surprised that Kate already knew who he was. He's all, "How?!" And she's all, "You don't play doctor with somebody hundreds of times and not learn a little something about their body language! Oh, also, there was that whole thing where those people from another universe revealed to the world that Dick Grayson was Nightwing. Doesn't take a genius to connect those dots! I mean, some idiots who write and edit comic books might think it would take a genius but then they're not exactly geniuses themselves, are they?" I might not be quoting her exactly.

Next Batman has to introduce Batwoman to all of the Batchildren she never knew she had. Batman is all, "Meet Spoiler! Daughter of certifiable geniuses and a genius. Here also is Red Robin. Tactical genius of the genus genius-e-genius. Then there's Cassandra. Quiet but--and this may surprise you--a genius! And of course, Bluebird who is a rough and tumble street genius! And last and certainly least because he's definitely no genius...Clayface! Although on stage, total genius!"

Oh, I guess Bluebird is off learning to be a more refined genius so she didn't get the invite to Bat School. That doesn't mean she isn't any less of a genius than all of the other members! I'd feel a bit awkward if I were Clayface. He's the Rodney Dangerfield of this outfit. I hope the other kids include him in their beer poppers and their keg smashers and their finger bangers. Those are all terms for cool things cool kids do, right? I mean, of course they are! If you don't recognize them as such then you must not have been cool. Loser!

I wonder if just Adrian and Jon are behind The New 52. Could the "Batman" at the beginning have been Nite Owl? Will all the Watchmen who decided not to be blasted into non-existence like Rorschach have agreed that the Machiavellian methods were needed to save the universe? Probably not since the last page shows an army of Batmen who are behind Azrael's beating and the coming war on Gotham. Although the person leading that army is yet to be revealed. It's probably Doctor Ozymanhattandias.

Martian Manhunter #10

Pornographic.

Rating: No change. It's still 15th of 51 DC Comics. I mean, it kind of is. It's stumbled a lot but I've been wanting to like it so it's remained rated fairly high even if I don't think it's actually this good. But it wants to be this good! And shouldn't we reward people for the things they want to do rather than for the things they actually do? I mean, not everybody. I want to murder people sometimes but I don't and I don't to be rewarded for murder! And by that I mean reverse-rewarded. Which is, you know, punished! Besides, this issue took some sorely needed steps in explaining what the fuck has been going on! I think. I might still be confused a little bit.

• Remember when Martian Manhunter killed himself a few issues into this series? I think it should have ended then.

• Not that some nice scenes haven't taken place since then. But in hindsight, more harm has been done than good. It's like some people enjoy a number of episodes of The X-Files in the fifth season and beyond but let's face facts. The series should have ended after the fourth season with Mulder killing himself while Dana was dying of cancer. It's not the most upbeat ending but it makes perfect sense when the show is read as Mulder and Scully being two halves of a single brain. Just end with Scully, the logical half (even though she believes in God. That's too long a discussion for a bullet point), dying which causes Mulder, the emotional half, to spiral out of control eventually leading to suicide. Even before the fifth season began, I was trumpeting the pros of ending the series after "Gethsemane".

• Earth and the recently resurrected Living Mars are going to collide in two hours. That sentence sounds final. Maybe I should have typed, "This comic book thinks I'm a stupid douchebag who actually feels tension over the possibility of the Earth being destroyed by Mars in two hours. How about presenting a dilemma that actually might result in disaster because it wouldn't end the entire company's comic book line by destroying Earth-Main-Earth!"

• Daryl, the hunter part of Martian Manhunter (also a man part!), must convince a childish Martian to return the Living Mars to the past so that Earth can live. But the child is petulant and won't do it. I say hit him! Is there an ornamental wooden spoon hanging on the wall nearby? That's what I would have been hit with! And I deserved it too! Because I was a mal Niño! Mal niño!

• The child Martian was once J'onn's boy. He's decided that everybody should know a little bit more about themselves before they die. Why? The information they gain right before they die is wasted information! Even if it's just to sate their curiosity, what good is a sated curiosity when your curiosity no longer exists?!

• I suppose anything to pass the time before death that isn't extremely painful or sports-related is a decent way to spend a few of one's finite moments. And I wouldn't pass up hearing the Answer to the Question of The Life, The Universe, and Everything even if I was going to die immediately after hearing it. I mean, I would pass up that knowledge if hearing the answer was the reason for me dying immediately! Fuck that! I'd rather remain in the dark! Which I'm, you know, already comfortable with anyway.

• The child's story about J'onn is, I suspect, an allegory meant to enlighten human readers! I feel insulted! Admittedly not as insulted as I felt reading the Green Arrow comics by Benjamin Percy!

• The Martians were sent a warning that they were being assholes and that it was going to destroy the planet. So most of the Martians doubled down on assholery thinking it would save them. You know. Like Americans are doing. See? Allegory!

• But J'onn was a poet! He was the conscience of Mars! He was that fucking stupid ass voice in your head that tells you not to steal your cousin's underwear and wear it around under your jeans because the material felt so silky smooth on your nether parts. Stupid voice. Don't tell me what to do!

• Ma'alefa'ak does some technopagan magic and turns J'onn and some other Martians into the Martian Manhunter. He's sent to destroy the threat to the planet. But the threat to the planet was the Martians themselves, remember?! So instead he goes off to threaten the messenger! Which was Mars! OH! IRONY!

• Mister Biscuits tries to convince Mars that it should let everybody live and return to Earth. But Mars is all, "I don't know! You're so ugly!" And Mister Biscuits is all, "No! Not anymore! See! Normal face! Totally normal!" And then Ma'alefa'ak is all, "FUCK EVERYTHING!"

See? Fuck everything!

Martian Manhunter #6

Big surprise! The douche in the wheelchair is a gross martian. Unless it's J'onn's homosexuality. I'm only basing that on the "comes out" line.

J'onn's various pieces are gathering in Africa to decide whether or not to kill Earth so that Mars might live. It's a Sophie's Choice as old as time unless I don't know what I'm talking about since I never saw Sophie's Choice. Didn't she have to pick which one of her children she loved best? If that was the choice then J'onn definitely has one of those choices to make. Does he save his homeworld where he grew up riding whatever things Martian children rode down whatever Martian children rode them down while yelling whatever Martian children yelled while riding those things down that whatever. Or does he save his adoptive world where they make the best fucking cookies in the universe?! Shit. I know which one I'd save! Unless Mars actually has better cookies? Does anybody know anything about Martian Cookies? I wonder if Lord Google knows anything about them?

It turns out (according to his lordship) that Martian Cookies have zucchini in them so fuck Mars. It's the bullshit place I always suspected it was! Who fucking puts zucchini in a cookie?! Sure, I love Carrot Cake but really mostly for the cream cheese frosting. And I'd probably enjoy a cookie even if it had zucchini in it. I just don't understand the kind of people who, when preparing to make a desert, would gasp, "I know what this treats need: vegetables!"

Leo, the douche in the wheelchair, has the ability to control humans so he tells the pilots to fly into the Mars Rehabilitation Beam spit out by Phobos. If all of J'onn's various pieces enter the beam, Earth will be destroyed and Mars will return to its disgusting cookie glory. What is wrong with this Leo kid?! Doesn't he know that he's damning himself to a life of zucchini flavored cookies?!

In the Literature Business, this is called the "Page That Makes The Reader Realize They Wasted Fifteen Dollars Buying The Previous Issues Because Everything Is Explained Right Here."

Pearl refuses to enter the Mars Rehabilitation Beam because she understands the cost. At least the martians are up front and honest about it at the very end. So she knows that if Mars returns, it'll be zucchini cookies until the end of time.

I'm really obsessing over those stupid Martian Cookies, aren't I?! I used to think I couldn't be offended by anything but I think I'm offended by Martian Cookies! If somebody served me one of those, I would have eagerly snatched one up, put it in my mouth, chewed excitedly, and then less excitedly, and then fully stopping as I tasted the horror hidden within. And then I would spray wet cookie crumbs all over the kitchen of the motherfucker who would dare serve me one of those abominations!

The White Martians don't like Pearl's answer so they decide to make her choose again. This time, they don't ask. They just begin trying to shove her and Mould into the beam while Wessel and Mister Biscuits fly into it from above. It looks like it'll soon be curtains for Earth! And Oreos! And Mother's Cookies! And Pecan Sandies dipped in Strawberry Milk! And...what?! That's a perfectly valid way to enjoy Pecan Sandies!

Pearl remembers that she's not really a thief named Pearl but a martian named J'onn who likes to kiss Aquaman right on the mouth. So she transforms into Martian Manhunter in order to fight the white cis-het male aliens.

While Pearl chooses to become the hero, Leo decides to become the villain. I think it's necessary to have both for a story to work out. But usually the characters don't get to choose! Usually the writer just goes, "You're the good one and you're the bad one! And I'm going to make it so obvious that the readers won't make the mistake of not knowing which is which because reading a story should be as different from reality as possible."

I guess Leo didn't really have a choice. You can't be the good guy with a name like Ma'alefa'ak.

Mister Biscuits tries to save the world because he doesn't want Alicia to die. Mostly because she brings the cookies. But also because he cares for her! Mister Biscuits is J'onn's heart! Um. I hope it's J'onn's heart. Oh god. Ew. Um, I think I'm going to be sick if I continue to think about what Mister Biscuits might actually be and why he's into Alicia.

Daryl Wessel cannot divert the plane and it flies directly into the MRB. Then Mould shoves Pearl into the beam and hops in as well. Why, Mould, why?! What's your big secret twist plan?!

J'onn J'onzz reforms within the Mars Rehabilitation Beam. He believes he's accepting himself while he says some nonsense about how he thinks most people aren't truly comfortable within themselves. That can't be true, can it? I love being inside me! I love me so much that it hurts because everybody else around me gets to enjoy my presence while I have to do all the work being awesome. I'm so envious of everybody who knows me! What lucky bastards! To bask in my glory must fill their worlds with meaning! Why don't my friends work harder so I feel that way about them?! Selfish jerks.

J'onn opens his eyes and finds that he's on the living Mars once again. Earth is gone. But apparently J'onn isn't as whole as he thought he was because part of himself punches him in the face and tells him that he's going to help bring Earth back. Oh yeah?! How are they supposed to accomplish that? Do any of them know the proper Blood Magic Ritual?! I didn't think so. Goodbye DC You! Hello DC Mars!

Martian Manhunter #6 Rating: No change. Most people aren't reading this comic book because it's about Martian Manhunter. People might say they like Martian Manhunter but when it really comes down to proving it with $2.99 per month, the conviction goes right out the window. He's like Superman if Superman were a Super Boy Scout. It's like Superman has earned most of the Boy Scout badges that have to do with adventuring and outdoors and fending off the advances of the gay troop master (but in a really nice and polite way so that nobody's feelings are hurt). But Martian Manhunter is the Boy Scout that has earned all of the badges like cooking and knitting and building a comfy bed for your kitten and cleaning the kitchen after making gross fucking cookies. He's the Boy Scout whose parents always held the troop meeting at their house that smelled a bit like rancid beets and had a Bible in every room. He's the Boy Scout that got the first Beaten By All The Other Scouts Badge. And he took pride in it! Also, he's way too philosophical for comic book fans. Stop trying to find yourself, nerd! Just be bad-ass already!

Martian Manhunter #4

If I were a martian and I came to Earth to discover that the species at the top of the food chain didn't really have a language and had really dead, black eyes and lots of scary sharp teeth, I would probably decide to interact with the the fifth smartest creatures on Earth since that's also the one that has lots of languages to choose from, all of which are easier to speak than dolphin. That would be mankind if you needed it explained to you. And since that's what I would choose to do, I would also choose a name that didn't sound as threatening as Martian Manhunter. I might go for something like Not-a-martian-at-all Manhugger. Or Man Manson. Although "Manson" isn't the most friendly name if you were a martian arriving in the latter part of the twentieth century. Although it might be okay in 2015 since humans don't like to remember things that older humans went through because it is so very boring and not about them and their world at all. Although in 2015, Woman Woman-of-colorman would probably be more politically something. I'm a martian in this hypothetical situation. I don't know all of the ins and outs of human society! I'm just here on a mission of peace! Probably. Wink, wink!

I would also take a shower before interacting with any humans because boy do my armpits stink right now! Pee-yu!

One thing I wouldn't do is split myself into dozens of separate beings who have no idea that they're only one part of a single being whom they can't even remember anymore. That's what Martian Manhunter did. Hopefully he kept a master list somewhere so that he can find all of the aspects of himself now that he killed his main self.

One of Martian Manhunter's aspects is a sexy woman named Pearl!

I would not care for a second date with a woman who could do this with her mind. My guts have enough trouble with burritos.

Meanwhile Mister Biscuits is being all Crane Style on the top of a speeding ambulance. He's really into cookies. Hmm, so am I! That hypothetical about being a martian might not be as hypothetical as I thought! Because hardly anybody loves cookies!

Anyway, Mister Biscuits and his pals are either running from the Martian Man-Eater or merely delaying having to battle the Martian Man-Eater. My guess is that they're merely delaying it because fighting the bad guy makes for a more exciting comic book than running from the bad guy. I once wrote a story about a Ninja Assassin who ran away from Ninja Assassin School because she hated violence. The other Ninja Assassins chased her down for the entire book but she alluded them in every chapter until the end of the book when the Ninja Assassins said, "Darn it. I guess she got away." My editor said it was very exciting when the main Ninja Assassin got away from the other Ninja Assassins without any kind of confrontation for the first two or three times, and maybe for the fourth or fifth time as well since she still expected the big battle to happen. But when the big fight never took place, she explained that it gave her a headache and a stomachache and a nauseated feeling because it was all so tense with no payoff in the end. She used some word like Cat Arctic or something. And then she said no publisher would ever publish it because it was only five pages long.

The writer of this comic book probably had an editor who explained to him how he had to have a big fight scene because the big fight scene takes place on the back of the ambulance. It's where we find out that Mister Biscuits is Martian Manhunter's subconscious just like I pointed out in a different commentary except I accidentally said "heart" instead of "subconscious." You probably knew what I meant though, right?

This is what happens after the fight ends. You've probably read comic book fights before. No need to rehash another one, right?

Over in the Indian Sea, Aquaman and his boner pants make an appearance as they save Pearl from drowning. See, she fell into the ocean after blowing up the white martians.

This picture is very, very dirty.

The issue ends with two campers looking through a telescope at the moons of Mars and noticing details like how misshapen they are. Those campers must have a crazy expensive telescope. I mean, I had a pretty cheap telescope and I could see some of the moons of Jupiter as they would pass across the planet but I still could never see the moons of Mars. They're just so small! It's also possible I never really tried very hard to see Mars's bullshit moons because they're bullshit. If I were Mars, I'd be embarrassed by the giant turds circling me.

Anyway, Phobos grows teeth and heads off to Earth to eat all of Mister Biscuits' cookies just like he feared. If Mister Biscuits is J'onn's subconscious and Daryl is J'onn's heart and Pearl is J'onn's feminine side and Leo is J'onn's mental fortitude, perhaps Phobos is J'onn's stomach?

Martian Manhunter #4 Rating: No change. Thanks to all of DC's cartoons, nobody ever utters the phrase "Who the fuck is Martian Manunter?" anymore. Back in the eighties, I used to say stupid things like, "My favorite member of the Justice League is Martian Manhunter!" I would say those things to people who were dumb enough to engage me on comic books when they only knew about Batman, Wonder Woman, Superman, and Spider-man. Then they would say, "Who the fuck is Martian Manhunter?" Also, if I ever said to people who knew about comic books, "My favorite member of the Justice League is Martian Manhunter!", they would laugh at me and punch me in the nose. At least I didn't say Vibe, jerkos! Then I would explain how Martian Manhunter was about a billion times more powerful than Superman because he had so many extra powers but they would just rebut my argument by setting my shoes on fire. It was actually a pretty clever argument and I had to concede the point to them. It's not like I could ever find any kryptonite to wing at their heads. Um, anyway, my point is that maybe since people know who Martian Manhunter is they could possibly pick up this book and support it because it's better than decent? Is that a good enough blurb to get on the back of the Martian Manhunter trade?

Martian Manhunter #3

Gross.

Can you imagine if men could shapeshift but they only had the original mass of their body to work with and all shape-shifting only occurred in the space of a few weeks as opposed to instantaneously? Men would be walking around with skinny little arms and legs, flat chests, and huge bulges in their pants. Men would spend hours each week working out at the gym and their muscles would never get any bigger. But they'd have to buy trousers with more room in the crotch area. I don't know how women would look if they could shapeshift. Maybe they'd all want big penises too? Me personally? I'd just add a beautiful raccoon tail.

Last issue, Martian Manhunter voluntarily stepped into a teleporter slash suicide machine because he realized he was too dangerous to mankind to be left alive. If anybody ever took control of his mind or infected him with the Doomsday virus or shot him full of Joker venom, he'd be the worst threat to the world since those things happened to Superman. But unlike Superman, Martian Manhunter doesn't want to live at the expense of all the people who would be killed if those things ever happened to him. So the only choice was suicide! Or teleporting to wherever the destination was set on the Wormhole Generator.

As J'onn disintegrates (or transports?), he says, "Don't let them find you. Plea...". Then he's gone! Dead and/or teleported! But who was he talking to?! That's the greatest mystery of all! Although being that this comic book has a limited amount of characters over the last two issues, it's probably Mister Biscuits or Pearl. Does Martian Manhunter have a pet? He could have been talking to his pet.

Quick! Somebody activate the machine while this menace is still inside!

Meanwhile in the Martian Psychic War Room, the martians whine about how J'onn ruined their plans in the way Superboy refused to ruin NOWHERE's plans. Although Superboy ruined their plans in an entirely different way by making every story he was in so unreadable that no editor would allow the world to be destroyed in such a low selling title. Between the Martians' J'onn and NOWHERE's Kon and Doc Magnus's Metal Men, I've learned that maybe people should think twice about giving their weapons sentience. Either they're going to betray you and not attack the target you aimed them at, or they're going to constantly try to fuck Superman. It's almost certainly better to just build a Big Fucking Gun with a trigger that doesn't pull itself but waits for you to pull it at the appropriate time. Maybe build in a safety feature where it only responds to your DNA though or else the weapon might be used against you after it's wrestled out of your weak-ass evil scientist arms. Although then your enemy will probably just cut off your trigger finger and use it to activate the weapon. Maybe the best idea is to just apply at Applebee's and forget about building non-edible weapons.

So a place exists in the DC Youniverse called the Martian Psychic War Room. It's possible that means this book is supposed to be silly and not to be taken seriously. Or I might be approaching comic books with the wrong attitude and this place is totally serious and super bad-ass. Whatever the case, a character I'd completely forgotten about decides to be Mister Biscuits' nemesis.

Wasn't this guy in the Martian Manhunter series from the nineties? Maybe I'm just creating new memories.

Mal (mind if I call you "Mal" instead of Mal'a'f'a'a'ge'q'q'e'q'e?) points out that Earth will still become New Mars. They just need to find every atom of J'onn that was dispersed across the planet, put him back together, and smack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. He is the weapon and he will destroy the Earth whether he wants to or not! To capture him, Mal uses Black Martian Magic (which is the "Anti-Red Magic"!) to merge the four martians of the Martian Psychic War Room into The Martian Man-Eater!

Okay, seriously, this book is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, right? It's a parody of the super hero comic book genre, right? It's satire on Alan Moore's work?

If humans weren't necessarily threatened by a guy named Martian Manhunter, I doubt they'll be smart enough to be frightened of a Martian Man-Eater.

The scene shifts to an Agent Wessel who is watching over a kid in the hospital who insists his mother was an alien. The kid is driving Wessel crazy with his questions and/or mind powers. I'm not sure if I should remember any of this from the previous two issues because my commentaries on this series have been particularly lacking. Martian Manhunter's ghost shows up to tell Wessel to run. But then Wessel doesn't run because Martian Manhunter touches him on the forehead and reabsorbs him. I guess Martian Manhunter not only has various human disguises around the world but actually has turned pieces of himself into beings who have no knowledge of their falsity. I guess J'onn has to collect them all now that he thinks the martians think he's dead. I bet Mister Biscuits is the heart part of him! I bet J'onn was mostly just penis.

Daryl runs from the FBI with the kid, Leo, in the back of an ambulance. Also, the FBI are not human but martians. But they're not part of J'onn so they're just kind of useless civilian martians. J'onn and his various aspects around the globe are the only weaponized martian which is why he is needed. While the others can cause chaos and violence around the globe, J'onn is needed to Marsform Earth.

Martian Man-Eater appears to try to collect Daryl and Leo. But somebody else arrives to save the day! You'll never guess who! No, really! Guess! You'll never do it.

Damn, you guessed it.

Mister Biscuits stuns the Martian Man-Eater long enough for Alicia, Daryl, and Leo to get away in the ambulance. Mister Biscuits hops on the outside and removes his mask so Daryl will be more frightened of him. Then he drops the big old martian bomb! Mister Biscuits is J'onn J'onzz! And so is Daryl! What a twist shocker!

Martian Manhunter #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's too bad the first issue didn't have a larger hook to it because this is steadily becoming a compelling story. I'm not sure if the Mister Biscuits character was enough to lure most comic book readers into buying a second issue. I was all in with the introduction of Mister Biscuits but I don't suppose I'm a typical comic book reader. I'm better than a typical comic book reader. I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader. I've been training for thirty years so don't feel bad when I point out that I can read comic book circles around you. Some people might think they're also Grand Master Comic Book Readers but they'd be wrong. What they actually are are Mad Scientist Comic Book Readers and my mortal nemeses! All of this is to explain that when I say this is a well-written comic book telling a story that's obviously been thought about and plotted as opposed to dashed off without care or concern about characterization or making sense (otherwise known as Lobdelling It), you should probably believe me. I'm like that late night Mad Money idiot who screams at everybody about where to invest their money but I can't help you make more money. I can just help you spend your money more wisely and on better comic books. So trust me when I say this: spend your money on Image books. That's the place with the best stories going on right now. But if you're going to buy DC Comic books, then I can help you there too! This one's pretty good even though it's low in the rankings. It just got a slow start but I feel like it'll steadily gain each month and my feelings are almost always completely accurate. Wasn't I the one to say Maps was the best character since Vampire Tig? Enough communicated!

Martian Manhunter #2

In this issue, J'onn battles some villain in a Superman t-shirt.

Rob Williams probably pitched this book by saying, "You may not have noticed but J'onn's hero name is Martian Manhunter. What if he was created to be...wait for it...a hunter of men!" Then he probably nodded smugly as he stroked his chin and imagined the room was full of audible gasps as opposed to bored yawns. Somebody waved him away and said, "Yeah, yeah. Great. Whatever. Just make sure he beats up Superman or something." He went out into the hall where the janitor he imagined was waiting around expectantly to hear the news but was really just mopping and said, "Nailed...wait for it...it! High-five, my man!" The janitor high-fived him because he couldn't leave such an awkward, pathetic man hanging even if it meant a small loss of his own dignity.

I have now painted a picture of Rob Williams that is no doubt highly inaccurate. I should apologize to those who love him. And maybe Rob as well.

I said I should! I didn't say I would!

The Earth has recently erupted in wars across its entire surface. Martian Manhunter has decided it's time to show the world that his name isn't representative of who he is. He may be a martian but he's actually a manhelper!

Thanks for the layman's terms so I didn't have to look up "annihilate" in the dictionary I was going to have to rush out and purchase.

I like how casual Helen Demoff is. "Oh, we're just mucking about with this thing here that disintegrates anything we put in it. It's actually supposed to transport people across the galaxy but since we don't actually have anywhere to send anybody, we're just enjoying sticking stray cats inside of it." Martian Manhunter is less joyous about the toy. He says, "It's a weapon." And Helen begins to sweat and is all, "Um, uh...no, no! We, uh, don't make weapons here! It's for travel! And party games!" But Martian Manhunter doesn't believe her! He's all, "This is too dangerous for the world! Can you imagine how dangerous it would be if you were to lure everybody in the world here to this room and somehow trick them into climbing inside of it, like maybe putting up a sign that reads 'Free sex!' or something?!" Helen changes the subject back to that thing J'onn said earlier about wanting her to kill him because she doesn't want J'onn breaking her Localized Wormhole Creator which vibrates oh so right when it's turned on.

Superman arrives to not really but sort of kind of accuse J'onn of being responsible for the terrorist attacks. He must think that because he knows J'onn is a telepath and he asks him how he knew about the attacks before they happened! But then J'onn, having never realized that Perry Mason isn't actually true and nobody ever fucking gets convicted if they just keep their damn mouth shut and keep from confessing, confesses. He's all, "You got me! I helped plan the attacks!" That must be why they wind up fighting!

See, the reason J'onn wants to be killed is he knows he's dangerous and being manipulated by evil beings. Now that's class, J'onn! Those are some seriously well developed ethics! You know who else should be asking to be put down?

That's right! Spaceman! I mean, Superman!

This issue is called "Weapon!" with an exclamation point so I'm super fucking excited already! Although poor Eber Ferreira was credited as Eder Ferreira here. Sad trombone!

While Superman and Martian Manhunter are preparing to find out who is more powerful (Spoiler Alert: Superman has heat vision! Oh wait! Better Spoiler Alert: Martian Manhunter has Super Tele-hypnosis or something. Afterthought Spoiler Alert: Martian Manhunter's name is on the cover so, you know, do the cover math), Mister Biscuits has a train to catch! Or eat. I think he might be having trouble with his verbs. The children who feed him Oreos are helping him even though some of them are doing it reluctantly. But Alicia is their leader so they have to do whatever Alicia says. She has pigtails!

Meanwhile Pearl is being chased down in Dubai. I don't know who Pearl is. I think she was in a scene in the first issue where she was trying to steal from a prince but instead saw the prince get eaten by a Martian. But since I didn't mention it in my commentary on Issue #1, I can't be sure of that. My memory is not to be trusted. What I think she saw was a Martian eating a person of power so that they could take that person's place! You know, the way David Icke's lizard people do it. That might also be why Mister Biscuits wants to eat the train. He thinks he needs to eat things to use them properly.

The aliens catch Pearl and tell her that they're going to melt her down into the others, so that totally explains that.

Meanwhile, Superman tries to keep J'onn from killing himself because Superman would never kill himself even though he's just as dangerous as J'onn when controlled by people with evil intent.

Oh Clark! Just hop in the Wormhole Extractor with J'onn! It'll be for the greater good!

Flash, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg arrive to help Superman stop J'onn from killing himself. Also I think they want to find out what the fuck is happening with all of these wars. Maybe after J'onn debriefs them, they'll let him take a Wormhole to Nowheresville.

In Dubai, Pearl is learning she's a superhero with some kind of telepathic connection to Martian Manhunter. I just had to type that because I learned my lesson about not even mentioning Pearl in my last commentary! You're welcome, future Tess!

Superman wakes up and sees the other Justice League members standing around slack jawed. He realizes J'onn implanted the battle in their heads so he could sneak away and kill himself.

Luckily Flash is too slow or else Flash would die along with J'onn on the next page.

94% of Martian Manhunter is vaporized and/or sent off to another part of the universe by the Wormhole Generator/Annihilator. Back on the train tracks, Mister Biscuits feels J'onn's death. He grabs up Alicia and runs off to save the world from the Martians. After they eat some cookies, of course. There's always time for cookies.

Worst police ever!

Martian Manhunter #2 Rating: +6 Ranking. This comic book series is far better than I gave it credit for after Issue #1 where I just didn't have any real feel for it at all. Well, it's definitely much better than the six comic books currently ranked above it (and possibly more but six seems like a good enough lift right now). Mister Biscuits is my favorite. I once worked with a guy named Tim Cruikshank who the Non-Certified Spouse called Mister Biscuit. So I feel like I already know Mister Biscuits!

Martian Manhunter #1

It might just be me but isn't taking the name "Manhunter" sending the wrong message if you're an alien wishing to befriend mankind?

I think the issue begins with a crack deal. Except the dealers are children and the crack is Oreo cookies and the junkie is Mr. Biscuits. Mr. Biscuits is probably one of Martian Manhunter's aliases since "Mr. Biscuits" is way friendlier than "Martian Manhunter" or "Grogg the Childchomper." Of course Mr. Biscuits might just be another Martian who hasn't discovered Oreo cookies yet because the children bring him a bag with a random assortment of cookies inside of it. But he'll learn! Everybody learns the power of Oreos.

Mr. Biscuits has red eyes and green skin like J'onn but he wears a sack over his head not like J'onn. That's probably significant in some way that will be determined after the scene where Martian Manhunter rescues a plane from falling out of the sky. That's the kind of thing Superman would usually do except he's too busy dealing with a bullshit story arc about his loss of powers and his loss of identity. Since nobody seems to care that Martian Manhunter is the most powerful character in the DC Universe (probably because his weakness is fire which is easy to introduce into a plot for added tension whereas Kryptonite is a bit harder to just throw into every Superman story), he gets to continue to be really powerful and to be a hero. Nobody would call J'onn a boy scout! Mostly because martians aren't allowed to be boy scouts.

As J'onn struggles to save everybody on the plane, he has a hallucination.

We learned in the Sneak Peek that J'onn hallucinates constantly.

J'onn's greatest weakness isn't fire at all. It's being unable to comprehend reality. Most everything in this comic book isn't actually happening. I'm sure J'onn is just standing in an elevator ranting and raving as everybody decides to just take the stairs.

J'onn's currently suffering from a megalomaniac delusion that he was created as a living weapon to conquer Earth. He's probably channeling Superboy's thoughts right now. Being a strong telepath, he just can't keep other people's thoughts out of his head. It's probably how his delusions manifest.

As J'onn is saving this plane, wars break out all over the Earth because something called The Epiphany is taking place. I guess that's where Mankind suddenly realizes that the Martians are really in control and they're about to kick ass and chew whatever Martian's chew as a sweet snack but which they're currently out of.

But Martian Manhunter has a plan! He heads to NASA to ask Helen Demoff to kill him. I like that plan! It'll save me $2.99 per month!

I think Mr. Biscuits is the real Martian Manhunter!

Even though it seems like a cheat, I wouldn't mind if Mr. Biscuits turned out to be the real Martian Manhunter and the one saving the plane is the one that's made every appearance so far in The New 52. Let him be a weapon that was meant to destroy Earth. His characterizations have been strange ever since he appeared in Stormwatch. And we never did learn why he battled the Justice League way back when, did we? I'm sure it was because he's actually a monster. At one point in this issue, he's called a monster and he reacts a bit defensively. He can sacrifice himself to save Earth from the other Martians while Mr. Biscuit turns out to be the J'onn J'onzz DC Comic readers are used to. He's already been established as loving cookies. That's a huge clue!

Martian Manhunter #1 Rating: I don't know about this series yet. I need a second issue before I can decide if I like it. There just wasn't a lot of meat on this issue. It basically boiled down to everybody finding out that everything wrong with the world is because of the lizard people martians disguised as human beings. Helen Demoff even catches a glimpse of one as it reads the news. Just like one of David Icke's videos!