Talon #17

This series will continue in Lord Death Man #18 even if I have to write it myself.

I just figured out why Calvin Rose is called Talon! Because that's the part of the owl that the owl uses to kill! Which means I discovered a secret that has yet to be revealed! The Court of Owls always has two Talons ready to go at all times! Umm, I mean eight talons! And their secret weapon for when all the Talons are killed: Beak! If Beak dies, you might think The Court of Owls is fucked! Well, they aren't! Because they have one last monstrous murderer to let loose: Creepy Near-Human Face!

This issue begins with one of the grossest things I've ever read.

Gross!

I'd rather die than breathe in corpse lung air! What if the poisonous gas is still surrounding them when she uses up all of his lung air? Will he have to force air out of his sphincter as she wraps her lips around his chocolate starfish? Hmm. I hope that actually does happen next page! What is DC going to do? Cancel this comic book?

Just a second while I look up some more standard jokes to use for this commentary. Did I already do the one about Oingo Boingo, my old friend Soy Rakelson, and his agreement with the Catholic Church's dogma on not using prophylactics but didn't extend to premarital sex? I think I covered most of that last issue.

While Anya is being kept alive with corpse-tainted oxygen, she thinks, "Does Calvin's blood still flow or are we going to have to use a penis pump?" When she gets a nice lungful of air, she says, "Is that a limp noodle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Calvin smiles roguishly and says, "Are your labia engorged with blood and glistening slightly from vaginal lubrication for no reason or are you just happy to see me?" And then Lord Death Man interrupts with some seriously highbrow Shakespearean shit.

I love Lord Death Man!

Everybody should rush out and buy a copy of this comic book because I don't think DC has ever before printed the word "fart" in one of their funny books! History is being made here!

Meanwhile the only other person left alive in this submarinean secret base is Dr. Darrk! I just felt like his name deserves an exclamation point. DC thought it deserved two "r"s! I'm not quite as married to that last sentence needing an exclamation point though. But as a Writer, you have to be sure the reader feels excited! And the best way to make a reader feel excitement is to tell the reader through improper and overused punctuation! Some people might use more than one exclamation point but I consider that crossing a line of trust between the Writer and the reader. If I use two exclamation points, the reader's heart might palpitate wildly. If I use three, the reader might think something in the house is on fire and run out into the street only to be hit by a passing semi truck! I'm nothing if not a responsible Writer!

Back in Gotham City, Casey keeps in touch with the team from a wi-fi connection at her local Starbucks. When they point out they just encountered "Skull Guy," Casey finds his entry on Wikipedia and discovers some facts about him.

I guess it doesn't say anything about how he was stuffed into a safe and shot into space, hunh?

Later in the previously poisonous tunnels, Lord Death Man comes alive and mentions how he was shot into space himself! He does not, though, mention how he was saved. He does mentioning conquering the Game of Life though, so now he's really my new best friend. Have I mentioned I created a Roller Playing Game named Places and Predators? I have. And the entire combat system is based on The Game of Life. That's because in the P&P Universe, every dimension is based on a different board game. So if your characters traveled to a different plane, they might have to battle monsters by spelling big words and hoping for a critical triple word score attack. A few years ago, I purchased a new copy of the game and it sucks. Seriously. If you want to get the game for your kids, find a version from the seventies at a garage sale or on eBay.

At this point, I'm beginning to think I should be getting paid for likeness rights on Lord Death Man.

These scenes with Lord Death Man are exactly what it's like living with me! Just yesterday, I got up from the couch while watching Judge Judy and, headed toward the kitchen, muttered, "Us half-fish people gotta follow laws, why ain't them humans gots to?"

Baby stuff. Although I'd be really impressed if you understand all the rules to Yu-Gi-Oh!

I don't believe Lord Death Man knows the name of every single Pokemon at all! From the way he's been talking up until now, he probably just calls them "Little Lightning Tail" and "Cat That Shits Coins" and "Big Fat Sleeping Fat Napper." I guess just because he might call the Pokemon that, it doesn't mean he doesn't know their names. I call the bad guy group from The Movement "The Gravy Factory" even though I know they're actually the Graveyard Faction.

After the Pokemon exchange, Lord Death Man eventually kills Calvin Rose. But Lord Death Man doesn't realize that he just defeated another immortal being. Once he finds out though, he'll never forget! His noggin is like a no-kill animal trap. Information gets locked in and then goes fucking nuts trying to get out.

Dr. Darrk begins flooding the tunnels where Lord Death Man and Talon have been playing. But Anya, who seems to have had a previous relationship with Dr. Darrk (not that kind, sicko pervo!) since they're both League of Assassins members, stops him before the tunnels are completely flooded. Which is a good thing because Lord Death Man and Calvin would have had a tough time resuming their conversation underwater. And their continued conversation is very important because it's about that bit I keep repeating. You know that bit! Where Lord Death Man was sent into space! But what's more important is that being trapped in that safe out in space is exactly the same fear that Calvin expressed to Anya last issue! These two guys are like brothers!

How can Calvin refuse?! Lord Death Man's confession is the same exact confession Calvin gave to Anya in the shower where they should have been fucking! Hmm, maybe this will lead to fucking?

What actually happens is that Calvin throws a shark at Lord Death Man. Not cool, man. Never cool.

Anya battles with Dr. Darrk as they discuss innocence, freedom, servitude, and murder while Lord Death Man and Talon battle underwater so that they can't have any kind of discussion at all. Anya makes a deal to save Talon from the flooded chamber. But Lord Death Man escapes. I think. It's possible he made it out of the sealed chamber before it completely sealed. It's ambiguous! Comic books love ambiguity! But even if he didn't escape, he made it back from orbiting the Earth somehow, didn't he? He'll be back because he's the best.

The deal Anya makes with Dr. Darrk is probably this: in exchange for not blowing up a room full of babies in test tubes, Dr. Darrk provides Calvin Rose with some of Lord Death Man's Immortality Juice (you know where that comes from. Wink wink) so that he can be human again. Is that the deal? Well, later in Gotham, we'll probably find out. I mean, it has to be, right? Nobody liked Calvin when he was a zombie! It ruined his whole schtick!

Calvin is alive, Lord Death Man has been encased in cement, and Dr. Darrk has become a Talon Zombie himself! Somehow. Probably with transfusions or something.

Talon #17 Rating: +10 Ranking! Most of that is because Lord Death Man is my fake soul mate. Some of that is because Calvin Rose is back to normal. A little of that is because this series has ended. However you want to parcel out the positive points, I felt like this was the best issue of Talon so far. And just think how many stupid assholes are never going to pick it up because they're stupid assholes! Who are actually pretty smart because, seriously, this book was never really that good. It was better at ideas and possibilities than execution. Unlike Lord Death Man who is the opposite of that!

Talon #16

Unless you're a Talon. Or Alec Holland. Or Superman. Or Deadman. Or any number of comic book characters.

Last issue had nothing to do with Calvin Rose and it was the best issue of Talon in a long time. You see, Calvin has lost the thing that made him interesting when he died and became an immortal zombie. When he was alive, he needed his skill to escape death in ingenious and inventive ways. But now he doesn't need to escape death because he can't die. But that's probably the entire point of this final story arc. Calvin needs to confront death and either shuffle off this mortal coil or learn how to live again. I suppose it doesn't really matter which it is since his time as the main character of a monthly comic is up.

This issue is called "Dead Man's Party" so now I have Oingo Boingo stuck in my head. My high school friend Soy Rakelson loved Oingo Boingo. It was one of his favorite things, right up there with taking advantage of his friends, volunteering to help the Special Olympics with his fraternity so they could make fun of the athletes, feeling offended and indignant, and throwing vegetables at pedestrians as he passed by in his car. Does that make him sound like a dick? Don't worry. He was Catholic so it was okay.

Talon's escape skills have gotten rusty since he doesn't actually need to use them anymore. So he's been practicing escaping burning coffins hanging in the sky. Tonight, he fails and drowns. Or would have drowned if he were alive. Instead, the coffin plunges to the water, knocking him unconscious until he wakes up inhaling water, only to be cut from his prison by Joey and the other new Batman Incorporated employees. After coughing up a ton of water, he stands on the shore, throws up his arms, and yells, "TA-DA!"

Later in the shower with Anya the Ex-Assassin, Calvin spills his seeds. I mean beans.

These specific beans are about why he sucks at escaping now.

Meanwhile Lord Death Man escapes his imprisonment in Pakistan because he is a much better escape artist than Calvin Rose. He's also a better joker than Calvin Rose. He remembers all the punchlines correctly. And even if he does get one wrong, he just murders the person he was telling the joke to so they won't malign his reputation as a funny man. The best joke he knows is the one how he somehow returned to Earth after being shoved into a tiny safe and shot out into space. Maybe that happened in Preboot Continuity. But it definitely happened in Batman, Incorporated Continuity which somehow exists within and without all other continuities. And that's actually where Lord Death Man belongs because he's super cool and transcends limits.

These jokes didn't come off very well so he had to expunge his audience.

Anya was once a member of the League of Assassins and she heard of these pits that Ra's al Ghul sits in to remain immortal. She figures if Calvin Rose sits in one, it'll bring him back to normal life and he'll lose his zombie status. Then he can go back to facing death on unequal footing, just the way he likes it. It turns out, Calvin knows of a secret underwater lab where Ra's al Ghul currently makes the liquid in which he bathes. Coincidentally, it's the same lab where Lord Death Man just escaped his bonds and began murdering everyone! Actually, this is one of those cases where a coincidence is not a coincidence at all because it's Lord Death Man's blood that is being harvested to fill Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pits. But that doesn't mean that you should go around spouting the childish idea that there are no coincidences! Because there are! They happen all the time! And just because a human being comes along and says, "Ayuh. Everything happens for a reason," it doesn't mean things have been planned! Yes, coincidences happen for a reason! And that reason is random, dumb chance. If an infinite number of monkeys roll enough infinite sided dice an infinite number of times, one of those monkeys is eventually going to roll the same number twice in a row! And at that point, that fucking monkey is going to create religion and be the most powerful of all the infinite monkeys!

Inside the lab is also some guy named Dr. Dark. He wears some kind of atmospheric suit filled with blood or cherry soda. He kind of freaks out a little bit that Lord Death Man is on the loose. Whatever happens between Lord Death Man, Talon, Dr. Dark, and Anya the Ex-Assassin will have to wait until the final issue.

Talon #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lord Death Man is just off-kilter enough for me to want him deep inside me. Not in a sexual way! Although I'm not sure what other way there might be that's medically sound and not too gay. I can handle a procedure that's a little bit gay, even up to 49% gay. But that's where I draw the line! I can't give my high school friends and every guy on Xbox Live the satisfaction of being right about my sexual identity! Although I suppose Lord Death Man could be a woman! Sure, two of the words in her name might lead you to the opposite conclusion but that doesn't actually prove anything. Maybe I should just desire to be deep inside her and then I get to keep the illusion of my heterosexuality intact! I mean the reality of my heterosexuality! Whew. That was a close one!

Talon #15

Is Marguerite Bennett DC's pinch hitter? Should we start a pool for what hero she'll eventually write a monthly for? Or has it already been revealed by Bleeding We're Too Cool For School News?

Marguerite's name always makes me hungry for pizza and tequila! Calvin Rose's name always makes me hungry because I usually eat when I'm bored.

I just asked Lord Google when Talon was going to be cancelled so I can write my commentary with that knowledge tucked safely away in my brain bank before getting started. Actually, I asked Lord Google "Talon cancelle" which is probably why he doesn't fucking respect my amazing intellect. That led me to a forum on comic vine and, even though I know better than to waste my time in a forum on a popular website, I began scanning the responses. This was the first response after the initial post of Talon #17's synopsis:

The Stegman: "Kinda saw this coming, it's why I didn't add it to my pull, I'm done investing time and money into a title to have it cancelled before issue 20"

At the risk of exposing myself as a total asshole, I'd like to say this to The Stegman: "Fuck you, you psychic bitch!" Okay, that probably wasn't very clear or necessary but I kind of feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't allow myself to be a jerk to people I don't know who have expressed an opinion that I don't agree with and that I really don't fucking understand. The reason you didn't add this to your pull list is because you knew it would be cancelled before Issue #20 and that would have wasted your time and money? Sorry for repeating what The Stegman just said for people with competent reading comprehension but I just had to do that "double take in text by repeating the other person's statement" thing before I continue.

So. Dr. Stegman. How is your time and money wasted on a story if it doesn't somehow reach your magical number of twenty? How is that some kind of loss to your time? Was your Doctorate Thesis working out a formula for exactly how long a story must be to make it worth a person's time and money? Entertainment = Length of story times...oh wait. Those are all of your variables! The length of the story is equal to the entertainment value of the money! Of course, I'm making an assumption that is opening up a chink in my logical armor by equating "worthwhile investment of time and money" as "entertainment value."

Now if your reasoning had been "I don't want to read seventeen more fucking issues of the Court of Owls which is why I didn't add it to my pull," I'd agree with you. Except by your rationale, twenty more issues of the Court of Owls would have somehow made it worth it! I'm wondering if this is just a subtle and coded defense for pirating Talon? Is that it? Is that the piece I'm missing because if you throw in that variable, what you're saying kind of makes sense. You're tired of paying for comic books and the fact that they never get up to issue twenty is reason enough for you to pirate them?

Once again! Chink in my logical armor due to a supposition! But you can't really have a rational debate when the debate begins with a nonsensical and irrational premise!

I wonder if I should read more of this forum! Maybe Doctor Too Important For Short Comic Runs Stegman will explain himself (or herself although most probably himself) further!

I did read further! And most of the other comments were other psychics chiming in with more variations of "saw this coming TBH" or "thought it would have happened sooner smh" or "DC sucks."

If you hadn't been able to tell, I'm avoiding reading the actual comic book. Talon really has bored me to fucking orgasm for 75% of its run. No, I don't spontaneously orgasm when I get bored! But I do often choose to masturbate when I get bored! I mean, have sex with lots and lots of willing partners!

Is this the Talon version of the Venom Suit?

As you can see if you actually read the words in the pictures, this issue is called "For Every Life, a Feather." What the fuck does that mean? Is that referring to the Egyptian method of a judging souls that I may or may not be misremembering? Maybe it has something to do with angels? Oh wait! Do Talon's leave behind a feather whenever they take a life? That might be it!

I've mentioned time and time again that I'm completely sick of The Court of Owls. But that might not be as true as I've led myself to believe! I think I still love the Court of Owls as a shadowy organization controlling Gotham but that's seen as a nothing more than an Urban Legend. Feathers being found next to freshly killed Gothamites is interesting to me in the continuance of the superstition in the hearts and minds of the residents of Gotham. I like The Court of Owls as a possibility and a warning and scary tale more than I actually like them as a group of greedy, power hungry assholes who delude themselves into believing their motives are for the good of everyone when they're really just out to line their pockets and bolster their egos.

I also like The Gotham Butcher because who doesn't love a murderous scamp giving the finger to authority figures? "Who's my widdle muwdewer? Who's a cutey? Who's a killer sweet puff?"

I hope I like Venom Talon as much as I liked The Gotham Butcher! More actually since...and let me be frank and honest for once in my shallow life...I really didn't find him all that fascinating anyway. It's just he was more exciting than dead Calvin Rose the Escape Artist that suddenly had no reason to escape any death traps because he couldn't fucking die.

The story runs backwards revisiting moment by previous moment which Venom Talon has experienced while wandering through the Labyrinth.

Stuff happens.

According to my interpretation of this vision, Venom Talon's mother viewed her children as chickens. She butchered the lot of them but Venom Talon was saved by the blind flaming-maned lion of righteous justice. Which means Commissioner Gordon shot her dead before she could kill her final child. But her child now thinks of himself as a bird and he was an orphan so the members of The Court of Owls all looked one from the other while pointing to their chests and then to another member's chest and mouthing, "Yeah? You? Me? Yeah? No? No? Yeah? Him? What?" Then the Grandmaster said in a great booming voice, "Dost Thou Think What I Dost Think?" Unless he knew archaic English grammar better than I do and then he probably would have said that differently. So The Court took the little bird boy into its open arms because they really get fucking tired of people saying "take the orphan under their wings." Plus they're all really into Journey.

Oh, and the gigantic owl in the background of the picture is The Court (that symbol was tough to crack) swooping down on Commissioner Gordon and the Gotham Police Department to snatch the child out of their clutches where they shove him into Owl School. That's where an elderly schoolmarm (the vulture!) teaches him the proper Talon Catechisms.

The name of the issue becomes apparent when Venom Talon removes his mask showing feathers carved all over his face with more still covering his body. He's stolen Zsasz's act but put a little panache into it! While Zsasz just winds up looking like a chalkboard or a crazy cat lady that the cats hate, Venom Talon at least looks more and more birdlike! A grotesque and macabre version of a bird but still kind of birdlike in that birds have feathers on them.

Oh yeah. That Egyptian thing was part of it too. As well as every legendary bird ever mentioned in any culture, such as the Roc, Phoenix, Thunderbird, and Articuno.

Venom Talon remembers all the way back to when he fell in with Haly's Circus and how he wasn't very talented in anything in particular but he was Daredevil without fear! Which is why the Court of Owls chose him over all the other orphans they'd scooped up in the dark and placed inside their nest.

And before that, way back in Venom Talon's Zero Year (which was 1918, if you must know for future test reference), Jonas (that's his name because it means "dove" and "destroyer" which I didn't even have to ask Lord Google about because Marguerite told me herself) experienced a critical moment in his life's path! The Spanish Flu had killed nearly his entire family, leaving just his mother and himself. She blamed the birds because even back then Bird Flu was a scary media catchphrase! So little Jonas's mother went crazy and murdered all the birds in the vicinity. That's when Jonas figured he should probably run away and join the circus.

And that's the end of another Talon's story which is actually all Talon's stories because all Talons are the same Talon. All of those Talon's that have kept their identities, like William Cobb and The Gotham Butcher and Strix and Calvin Rose? Failures. Utter fucking failures. But Venom Talon née Jonas? He got it fucking right.

Talon #15 Rating: +2 Ranking because I actually found a Talon story interesting! Also Calvin Rose was not in it and I'm bored with his bullshit.

Arkham War #4

It's signing time with Talon and Bane! It's signing time with Talon and Bane! Come and play! Come and play! Come and play!

Bane begins the festivities by waking up the only Talon left in his possession, William Cobb. I think William Cobb was Dick Grayson's ancestor but my memory is faultier than that thing I can't quite think of, so I might be a bit unreliable. Speaking of family, I got this email from my mom about a week ago:

Haven't heard from you guys in awhile. I hope you got your Xmas gifts. My December was the worst one in history, excluding 2010. Give me a call once in awhile, please. You know I'm all alone down here.

I didn't reply because I don't respond well to guilt trips and only remembered to call her earlier tonight while watching Dexter when he mentioned how family is annoying and irritating! I glanced over at The Uncertified Spouse and said, "Oh! I should probably call my mom!" So I spent a an hour or two talking about Cats and Walking Dead and the reason her December was so shitty. It was because somebody let a bunch of Talons loose in Santa Clara. Which brings me back on track to this comic book!

Bane is still pretending he's Batman because that's weird. I've always felt that the villains that populate Gotham City do so because they have huge crushes on Batman. And Bane is just helping prove my theory due to his cosplay choices.

Bane informs Cobb (through the use of grandiose and overly burdened metaphors) that he is taking Gotham City and he'd like William Cobb's help. Cobb would like to see the other Talons freed from the grasp of Gotham's Madmen, so he agrees. And Bane declares he would like to see the Talons free as well because "to know thine enemy, you must become thine enemy." What the fuck does that mean? Is that why he dressed up as Batman? Does that mean that I have to begin writing like Scott Lobdell? No, no! That's only if I want to know my enemy! What the fuck do I care if I know my enemy? And why does Bane need to know his enemy? Doesn't he just want to defeat his enemy? I think Bane has been brain-damaged from too much Venom.

But don't you want to know them first? Like a landmass knows the ocean, tide after tide of endless greetings, wearing away the landmass's resistance one grain of sand at a time?

William Cobb burns off Sumo's face by using an unconscious Firebug's flaming hands to, well, you know. Emit flames! He then declares "One down, an entire asylum to go." But Sumo isn't actually down. He's just in the background clutching his face due to the slightly irritating heat. William Cobb is a Talon! He should be ripping these guys apart! Where's the gory overkills? He's just going to go easy on these assholes? Come on, Editorial! Give him some B-listers that he can kill! Where the fuck is White Rabbit? Kill her! She was created by David Finch during his shit tenure on Batman: The Dark Knight, so she still reminds me of all that time I wasted reading that crap. Finish her! Finish her now!

Little Wooden Ferdie does more damage than the Talon by shoving one of his fist screws into Mister Incandescent's face, rupturing it and sending his goo all over the street. Unless that wasn't Mister Incandescent. This is probably a good time to tell you how my memory isn't so good.

Bane grabs Zsasz by the face and calls off William Cobb before Cobb even gets started. What a disappointment. The only people that have died so far in this great war are nameless prisoners from Blackgate! This war sucks!

Bane is going to clean up this city better than Batman ever did! Nobody will have any individual freedoms but they'll all be too afraid to commit any crimes! Hooray for Bane!

Bane's actual plan is to take Gotham so that he can give it to the Court of Owls in exchange for a battalion of Talons powered by his Venom so that he can take over Metropolis and, probably, the rest of the world. That's a pretty ambitious plan. It also seems like a really fucking crappy plan. Why the fuck would anybody want to rule the world? What a shit job. Why are people so obsessed with fucking power? Just give me the amount of money I'm making each month right now each and every month until the day I die without my having to do anything I don't want to do. That's all I want! I certainly don't want to be responsible for anything! I just want to be free to travel whenever I want, to sit around reading and writing, maybe pick up a few more hobbies like painting and bathing, and some time left over to play Call of Duty while speaking in a high-pitched voice. Is that too much to ask?

Meanwhile The Scarecrow and Mr. Freeze and some (hopefully expendable) chump named Vortex have just woken up the rest of the Talons. With a nice mixture of Scarecrow's fear toxin and Mad Hatter's brainwashing technology, Scarecrow believes the Talons will fight for the Arkhamites and help them protect their sectors of Gotham from The Penguin and Bane. I don't think they have to worry about The Penguin since he's currently consumed with applying every medieval torture he can think of to Emperor Blackgate's scrotum.

Akrham War #4 Rating: No change. I don't think this can rightly be called a war until somebody with super powers and a stupid name bites the ticket. Buys the dust? Farms the roosters? Sails the crimson byway? Gets a visit from Aunt Flo? Spirals up the down staircase? Goes gently into that good Qwik-E-Mart? Sucks the peanut butter? Tips the waitress in cigarettes? Boils the bunnies? Have I gotten even one euphemism for dying right yet?! Oh! Suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?! Loves too well?! Fucks a Capulet? Mephisto up the yin-yang? Dreams of bottom's ass? Wanders over the Cliffs of Dover? Oh! That one should do it by whatever means a person would judge! That'd do you!

Talon #14

I can see right up Calvin's nose!

At the end of last issue, all hell was breaking loose at the Gotham City Orchard Hotel. The most surprising thing about it is that Batman was not involved. Nobody even invited him to the chaos even though he left explicit instructions that he be sent an invite. Here's hoping the entire building explodes, killing most of the cast of this comic book. The only person I hope doesn't die is The Gotham Butcher. Anybody else, including Calvin Rose, is expendable.

While Casey tangles with The Gotham Butcher, Calvin makes one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the entire history of making mistakes! He believes a child with one hand behind its back is innocent and not dangerous at all. Well, Calvin Rose, those that don't remember history are doomed to repeat it or something to that effect. It's your own fault if you want to ignore what happened to Julius Caesar, Charles Foster Kane, Sauron, and Jesus too! They also ignored the innocent kid with one hand behind his or her back and look where it got them!

"I went to Owl School and it only took a few months! While all my friends are working dead end jobs or still in school, I got a job right out of Owl School using my training to kill Talons!"

Little Sarah Washington, Valedictorian of Owl School, merely slits Calvin's throat. It doesn't kill him but it seems the Putrefying Serum that was injected into his system wasn't enough to kill him but was enough to disable his healing powers. So that slit throat could be trouble. She didn't slit his throat deep enough to severe the piano cords in his throat that enable him to speak, so it's really just a superficial cut. Sarah leaves with Grandmaster Flash so that The Butcher of Gotham can clean up. Except that bomb is going to go off and kill everybody soon, so The Butcher should probably just head out now. I'm sure everyone will die and the comic book will be over soon.

Casey decides that she doesn't want Calvin to die because she loves his undead penis going in and out of her cybernetic vagina, so she shoots The Gotham Butcher's arm off. Unless she shoots off the Gotham Butcher's arm. Whichever one is most grammatically appropriate.

She also shoots off some of his other parts, like his top part and his bottom part.

Casey and Calvin and Casey's thugs still have a bunch of Talon's to destroy. But Calvin has come up with a great three step plan! Step one: Set himself on fire! Step two: Group hug all of the talons. Step Three: Blow everybody up with a cryo-bomb! That's a pretty good plan because usually three step plans have one step that is just a bunch of question marks and another step that is just the word "profit" followed by an exclamation point. Two or three exclamation points if the creator of the plan is overly optimistic!

I suppose the setting himself on fire part of the plan was to keep him from being flash frozen by the cryo-bomb. But now Calvin Rose is a disgusting, melty, burning, throat-slit, moldy old walking corpse. He doesn't have much Talon left in him. Seeing him in such a state of disrepair makes me feel a little better about the Gotham Butcher being butchered.

Eww. Stop being so gross, Calvin. I don't even think Alfred can whip up enough tea to save you now.

Eventually Batman comes to save the day because Calvin Rose is only good at escaping. He can't solve problems. He can only run away from them. So Daddy Batman arrives to stop the bomb and to apprehend Sebastian Clark. Batman still has some questions for him like where the fuck did Lincoln March go? Maybe after Calvin turns into a soupy blob of blech, Lincoln March will return to be Gotham City's Talon! Which, I mean, really, Gotham City doesn't fucking need, does it? The Court of Owls have kind of overstayed their welcome being that they're all just a bunch of snobby bureaucrats anyway. Can't Batman turn them back into a nursery school rhyme and an Urban Legend?

You're going to fix that?! I think Casey must have lost both eyes.

Casey pleads with Batman to save Calvin's life as the serum begins to liquify him. I can understand that Batman's legend is so great that it would seem he's capable of miracles but I don't think he's a healer and he probably doesn't know any magic. Hell, Batman doesn't kill so he can't even put him out of his misery! What the fuck is Batman supposed to do? I guess he could shove him in the cryo-tank until somebody else can come up with a cure. Hopefully that will be never though because I think I've read enough stories about Calvin Rose. I'm good here. Check!

Oh fuck. Apparently I'm being forced to have dessert because Calvin Rose is all better three weeks later. Batman's big idea was to put Calvin on dialysis which removed the Death Serum and allowed Calvin's Talon power to regenerate his body. He even got back his face! Also, it might not have been Batman's idea. Batman may have just shrugged his shoulders and went home after Casey asked for help. But Bruce Wayne helped by buying Casey's father's company and putting her in charge!

Sebastian Clark wound up in prison. The Gotham Butcher began putting himself back together so he was locked up in a new cell in the Securitus Building which is kept at Absolute Zero. Or, you know, as close to absolute zero as they can get. I predict Wayne Enterprises goes bankrupt within the year trying to pay the power bill to keep The Gotham Butcher frozen at that temperature! Maybe they should just shoot his body into space and keep his head on the end of a pole in the Gotham Police Department's break room freezer. And finally, Sarah has begun attending Bat School which is the opposite of Owl School. Unless Lark School is the opposite of Owl School.

Finally finally (I should probably have planned my words better), Calvin Rose discovers that Casey Washington is being allowed to continue her organization that helps thugs leave criminal organizations and make better persons of themselves. Except she's been forced to change the name of her organization to Batman, Incorporated. Dark Ranger and Nightrunner are also still members. And everybody probably has to make sure they don't accidentally mention any of this to Commissioner Gordon.

Talon #14 Rating: No change. I am so Court of Owlsed out, I can't even finish thi

Arkham War #3

I initially read this cover as "Frog Hunt." And then I read it again and giggled because it says "Craw Cunt."

I believe titling your comic book "Croc Hunt" is far worse than drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles! Who will be fired for this outrageous use of sneaky-minded rules breaking?! Also, why is Bane wrestling a green Venom?

Last issue, the cover told me the Talon would rise. But not one Talon rose of its own volition. A bunch of them sort of dangled from the claws of Man-bats stealing their frozen bodies from Blackgate. So I suppose they "rose" up into the sky. Not exactly the excitement I was expecting by the cover. It's a good thing I understand comic book covers and the outrageous lies they tell every single month and wasn't at all disappointed. I was actually quite pleased because I'm sick to death of fucking Talons and hope they all get killed off in this comic book. I'm hoping that Arkham War was conceived mainly to end the problem of having all of these super dangerous immortal zombie assassins waiting to be unfrozen. Batman couldn't kill them. But the Arkham Crazy Time Players can!

Also, the besterest Interim Blackgate Warden ever to grace the pages of a DC Comic Book, Agatha Greeklastnameopolis, was rescued from the prison by James Gordon, hero! She's my favorite character after all the other characters I've listed as my favorite. I think she ranks somewhere between 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Alysia Yeoh.

CROC HUNT!

Whoa! Calm down, fucker! Think about what you're doing for a second!

Everyone understands that Bane is a problem, Mad Hatter. But he's just one problem. One problem that you can understand because you can see what his goals and his motivations are. Is it really a good idea to let loose seven Talons on Gotham in the hopes that you can somehow control them and get them to kill Bane? This feels like setting the house on fire just to take care of a squirrel in the attic. Maybe a better analogy is letting seven raving maniacal murderers free in your house to tidy up a bit.

I just don't see anything good happening from this plan.

Crane and Langstrom were captured by Bane at the end of last issue but they've been rescued by Killer Croc at the beginning of this issue. That was all part of the plan! And for his part in kidnapping the Talons, Johnny Crane rewards Croc with Wayne Tower. I don't know how Scarecrow negotiated that great piece of Gotham Realty when Penguin divvied everything up. He must know some pretty juicy secrets that The Penguin doesn't want to get out.

Meanwhile Bane makes good on his deal with The Penguin.

Emperor Blackgate? More like Emperor Bit Off More Than He Could Chew...umm...gate!

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites don't fear him and that they're all saying, "He's no Batman." But then, those crazy assholes don't fear Batman either, do they? If they really did fear Batman, they wouldn't keep coming back to Gotham to commit their crime sprees, would they? Unless none of them really see the difference between fear and love? Because they all seem to have some kind of a warm spot in their crotch region for Bat-Abuse.

Whatever their feelings toward Batman, Bane decides it's time to use it to his advantage.

So when does DC release the Cosplaying Bane Action Figure?

Bane's first act as Batbane is to throw Killer Croc from the roof of Wayne Tower. That's a pretty fucked up first move. Poor Killer Croc. He was completely set up by The Scarecrow. Killer Croc was nice and safe and cozy underground until The Scarecrow lured him into Wayne Tower and convinced him he should set up shop above ground. That only left Croc exposed to Bane while the others took to Croc's sewers to set up shop with their Talons. With everybody using everybody else in this War, I'm beginning to suspect the Talons are going to win once they're revived. The Talons may not even need to be revived with all the back stabbing going on!

Arkham War #3 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Warden Agatha wasn't in this issue. I guess there are just so many characters that can be spotlighted in any one issue of this thing. Arkham War shouldn't have been released as a comic book. It should be a Board Game! Or Video Game for those of us that don't have any friends.

Talon #13

If the Gotham Butcher were the title Talon in this book, it would be the greatest comic of The New 52.

I'm listening to music as I read Talon #13 because Talon only holds about 13% of my interest. I can't let that other 87% just go to waste not being interested in something. So I'm distracting that part of me with music. Right now, it gets to dance to Planet Tokyo by Puffy AmiYumi. But now the other 13% of my interest is jealous that the other 87% is being better entertained!

Now I should be reading Talon but I keep shouting, "WHO THE FUCK IS ALICE?!" Man, I got this song (Who the Fuck is Alice?) on Napster! Does that mean this MP3 is stolen goods? Remember Napster when we were all international super criminals?! Man, what a glorious time! I can't believe we didn't all create spandex suits and change our names to things like Mistress Nefarious and MP ThrEvil. Thirteen years later and I still know every song that I downloaded from Napster when it comes up on my iTunes. It's so much better than paid for music! Forbidden fruit! Mmmm, so delicious and wicked!

The next song is Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. That's the song that opened the gates of Heavy Metal to me! My sister owned the cassette tape and I was intrigued by the vomiting blood cover. I fell in love with the sounds of Mr. Crowley. After that, I immediately sold my soul to the devil, killed a bunch of neighborhood cats, and became disrespectful to the elderly. But I continued to get good grades, so everybody basically left me alone. That was the magic I learned as a youngster. Grades are all that matter to adults.

Tess: "I'm going out to do fuck all! Be back whenever I want!"
Tess's Mom: "Wait a second, young man. Where's your report card?"
Tess: "Right here! All A's! Except that F I got in Mr. Gary's class. What an asshole, right?"
Tess's Mom: "Oh God. He hated me! That guy was a big jerk! Okay, you have fun being a good kid because you get good grades so I know you're not doing drugs or vandalizing other people's property!"
Tess: "See you tomorrow! Maybe!"

And then I'd rush out into the night to do anything I wanted! Which was usually playing Warhammer all night long at my cousin's house. Gosh, what a rebel I was!

Okay, time for the 13% of my brain paying attention to Talon before I get back to the interesting stuff about music and other music.

Sarah is excelling at Owl School so she gets a gift.

Casey has been doing research to try to find John Wycliffe, the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls. But the only record she finds of any Wycliffes is a signature on the original Gotham Charter. Do you think we'll ever get a definitive history of the Owls, when they formed, where they came from? Or are we supposed to be satisfied with their mystery and cloudy beginnings? Because I'm bored with them being an even more mysterious, DC Comics version of the Rothchilds. If I have to keep reading about them, I want to know more! Unless the Gotham Butcher kills them all and gets the lead role in this comic. Then I'm fine never knowing anything more.

Sebastian Clark is busy shopping for some Gotham Real Estate. He's interested in the Harbor House where a bunch of Patsy Members of the Court of Owls killed themselves back around the Night of the Talons. I'm completely flabbergasted (unless I'm using that word incorrectly! I better ask Lord Google what it means exactly. Let's see, "surprised greatly; astonished." Oh yeah! That's what I wanted!) that Bruce Wayne hasn't already scooped up this historic property! Especially with all that it means to his, you know, secret personality. Wink wink. You know who I'm talking about.

Is that a legal way to obtain a property? By killing the Real Estate Agent while on the premises? I think I'm going house shopping this weekend!

Calvin believes the newly refurbished Court of Owls are working out of the ruins of Amusement Mile somewhere. Anya (one of Casey's henchmen that used to be a member of the League of Assassins) and Casey believe the Orchard Hotel is where they're staying. Calvin remembers the Orchard's secret offices and vaults were flooded with liquid gold, so he's not so sure that's the ideal place to hold Court of Owl meetings. But he goes off to the Orchard to investigate anyway. And Anya and Joey (ex-Yakuza) decide to investigate Amusement Mile. But who is right?! It's like that moment in the book, The Silence of the Lambs (or the movie, if you're one of those low-brow dumb dumb faces that don't enjoy reading books so you can eventually scoff at the movie versions of them even if they are excellent and cause you to always think of flesh suits every time you hear Tom Petty's "American Girl"), when Clarise goes off to investigate a lead just to be thorough while the FBI believes they're raiding the killer's house. But the lead actually winds up being Buffalo Bob's Dungeon of Human Suits and Fancy Lotions! Is Calvin going to wind up finding the Court? Or will Anya and Joey be killed because there are too many characters in this book?!

I think I'm spending more than 13% of my interest on Talon! Am I finding the book more interesting this month? Or is the music in the background working to distract that part of my brain that finds this book incredibly boring?!

Now "In the Car" is playing by Barenaked Ladies. This song is extra special because it uses the phrase "mutual masturbation." And I was going to maybe talk more about the song as it went along but then Google Mail Alerts popped up a notification email from my mom and I caught the phrase "in memoriam" so I had to go see what that was about and sadness because one of her cats died. Now I have a paragraph that mentions both my mother's dead cat and mutual masturbation! What good is that to anybody?!

This is what Calvin Rose finds on the 13th Floor of The Orchard Hotel.

Calvin challenges The Butcher to a final deathmatch which will hopefully not turn out how he's expecting it to. Although he is a Master Escapodarium, so he'll probably do okay. Especially since the entire Orchard Hotel is going to explode in five minutes and Sarah is still on the premises. Also, every Talon nearby will soon be in the hotel to try to stop the Butcher because Wycliffe put out a call for help. But he's probably not going to escape either because he runs into Sebastian in the elevator. That's a lot of people in one space! And it's going to be more soon because Casey has figured out what her little group needs to do. So they'll probably wind up there as well! Batman may be the only guy in Gotham not invited to this party.

The Butcher winds up shoving a syringe into Calvin's neck full of the serum that was supposed to be used on Strix to completely decompose her and kill her for good. But Calvin doesn't have the exact same reaction. Perhaps because his body was still quite fresh when he underwent the change, or maybe Lucius Fox put some formula into him to protect against this, I have a feeling he's not going to suddenly melt into a fleshy puddle. In fact, he'll probably simply be resurrected and this whole stupid Calvin Rose as an undead Talon thing will be over! But before anything but some minor foaming can happen, the wall explodes and Sarah and her Ex-Killer Squad appear to save the day! Or just make things more complicated.

Talon #13 Rating: +1 Ranking because I have hope that Calvin Rose is going to return to normal. And The Gotham Butcher will definitely get away because he's the best thing about this comic book by far! Perhaps he'll run off with little Sarah since she's now a graduate of Owl School with a penchant for murdering things with her bare hands. Oh, but I forgot to scan in the final page because it summarizes my feelings (and probably a lot of other people's feelings) about this initial Calvin versus the Court of Owls story arc:

Arkham War #2

My apartment is literally like Gotham City except instead of Talons, I'm overrun with Oreo crumbs.

Literally just last issue, Gotham was having a bad night. There are literally only two kinds of nights in Gotham: A Bad Night and A Bat Night. And when you're having a discussion about whether it's safe to go out or not, people literally never know what anybody else is saying because the two words are literally indistinguishable from each other to normal ears. But since Batman is literally dead right now, everybody knows what everybody else is currently saying.

So what's going on with Man-Bat? Is he literally crazy now? Flava Flav was right. A woman can literally make a man lose his mind.

Man-bat was literally given the rooftops to govern. Unless I'm just literally assuming that since it's kind of hard to tell. Langstrom doesn't think he's literally crazy. He's just a scientist trying to form a government with a local militia to protect and defend the section of Gotham he was given to rule from a penguin with no authority to parcel out tracts of Gotham. But that's what literally happened anyway! And Bane doesn't fucking like it one bit! BANE SMASH!

Is Bane literally a Latino version of The Hulk?

You can't know how much I literally hate myself right now. But I'm literally going to keep it up until the end of this fucking commentary.

Currently, Brute and a sqaudron of non-venomized Bane soldiers are literally attacking Man-Bat's turf. I literally forgot that I liked Brute from the Talon comic book because he reminded me of that overly patriotic Firestorm enemy back when DC was still, literally, publishing a Slash Fanfic version of Firestorm. No, seriously. I mean, literally. Go read the trades of The Fury of Firestorm, The Nuclear Men, and tell me different.

Too bad Brute literally winds up with a cell phone tower through his chest at the end of the fight. But it has been lodged in the non-heart side of the chest cavity, so he may not be literally dead. Perchance he is only dreaming or some shit.

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce in literally the most disgusting ice cream truck ever.

Gordon and Pierce are heading to Blackgate Prison to breakout Warden Agatha, literally my favorite interim warden character ever. I like her way more than anybody else does which is why I'm declaring how much I like her right here so if she ever becomes super popular, I can claim to be literally the first person to ever adore the fuck out of her.

The Penguin literally meets with Bane to discuss how The Penguin can best survive Bane's invasion. The Penguin promises to literally feed Bane information in exchange for Emperor Blackgate. If I were one of the Arkham inmates trying to rule a piece of Gotham, I think I'd opt for a nearby suburb or small town just outside the Gotham City limits. I'd literally set up shop in a cul de sac named after a type of tree and close down the public pool for myself so I could swim in something other than a literal ocean of pee.

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites are currently invading Blackgate prison to take over the Talon Sublevel since it's literally the only working power generator on the East Coast. And also because it's full of immortal monsters that Bane probably shouldn't get his hands on because that would literally suck dick. After his meet with Bane, The Penguin walks over to get a Ham Banana Split Sandwich and tells Gordon that he's got a pretty decent chance of rescuing his people from Blackgate during the ensuing confusion. The Penguin probably makes some kind of deal with Gordon or something as well. Possibly a deal to literally gain immunity from conviction by playing undercover cop for Gordon since Oswald knows this will all, eventually, go literally tits up.

Gordon and Pierce literally save the day. Actually, they literally save the one-eyed interim warden named Agatha Zorbatos but day would literally metaphorically be night without her in it.

Scarecrow's plan is to literally fly the Talons out from under Bane's nose via Air Man-Bat. Bane interrupts the proceedings but he's literally too late to stop most of his Talons from being flown off to Mr. Freeze's laboratory. Bane does manage to secure one Talon for himself as he captures Scarecrow and Kirk Langstrom. Bane also notices Gordon and Agatha and Pierce running from the prison, so he delivers Agatha's assistant Donald to them for literally his own reasons since, you know, nobody is forcing his hand and I have no idea why he does it. One thing I do know, the cover shouldn't be taken literally because not one fucking Talon rises at all!

Arkham War #2 Rating: No change. Fuck everybody who overuses the word "literally" because this is literally what our fucking world now sounds like. Literally shut the fuck up already. I need to literally take a fucking shower now. Interpret that how you see fit!

Talon #12

Even splitting his time between Forever Evil and all of the Bat-titles and kicking Batwoman's ass, he still has time to drop by and bitchslap the fuck out of Talon. Bravissimo!

Last issue, I was incredibly bored. So let's see what happens this month!

The year is 1852. Horror has been seeing a therapist to talk through its issues with itself. Why does it thrive in the dark? Must it always be so? Is the darkness where Horror truly belongs? It really would like to move past the darkness since the darkness is awash in the afterbirth of Fear's becoming, and full of pollen from Terror's blooming. But Horror knows it belongs in the dark as well even though it longs for something more. It's full of ambition and no closet can hold it any longer! No longer will it be relegated to the cramped, musty spaces under the bed! It's tired of being imagined! It needs to show the world what it can do! Except it must be a lazy piece of shit because it's now 2013 and Horror has yet to make a name for itself.

Since Horror's story is such a bust, I guess we have to follow Batman and Talon as they search for the Court of Owls. I think they still need to save Casey's kid, Sarah. She's enrolled in Owl School which is the opposite of Bat School and a complete waste of time. Which makes it exactly like regular school!

Oh! The story about Horror was a metaphor for The Gotham Butcher!

Hey! Wake up! I've barely even gotten into the meat of this thing and you're already falling asleep?! Look, I don't want to have to read this comic book and try to write clever things about it. I really just want to sleep and eat and shit and masturbate and play Call of Duty. But sometimes, as adults, we have to do things we don't want to do. Like read comic books. I do like The Gotham Butcher though! But I don't want to see his backstory where he was too deranged for even the Court of Owls to handle. I feel like Tynion has given enough of that for us to understand the character. I don't need to keep being reminded that he's a monster!

The Court of Owls realizes they should probably never have given Felix Harmon another chance to walk the streets of Gotham. So they attempt to put him down by detonating the Liquid Nitrogen Bath Beads they stuffed into his head. When it doesn't work, they realize that maybe telling your slave monsters how you're keeping them in line isn't the best idea when your slave monsters are indestructible, immortal creatures that can perform brain surgery on themselves. Sure, they die a few times on the operating garbage bin. But that's what regeneration is for! Anyway, the Court of Owls has now lost control of yet another asset. I think it's about time The Court of Owls just went gently into that good night. Seriously. Even Dylan Thomas would agree on this one.

Casey is currently staying in Wayne Enterprises because that building hasn't had quite enough damage over the last few months.

Lucius Fox knows Casey because they're both BLiG (Black Living in Gotham). Unless it was because he knew her father since they were both big shot corporate electrical engineering wizards. It's probably whichever of those makes me sound less ignorant. Lucius is outfitting Casey with her own mechanical talon since The Gotham Butcher cost her an arm. Now she'll be part robot and Calvin is part corpse! It'll be hardest on their offspring who will probably be judged by the robots and the undead both when she grows up. They're such insular groups! Although maybe she's the Chosen One who will unite the Robots and the Undead!

Well, Lucius isn't as great an electrical engineering wizard as I thought! BliG it is! I wonder if he knows Bleak Michael too?

Batman arrives to let Calvin know that after Calvin finds The Gotham Butcher, Calvin needs to call Batman so Batman can take care of it. And then Calvin is going into retirement in a cryo-tube in Blackgate Prison. Batman should probably think twice about threatening people, especially escapadiliogolists. Now Calvin probably won't contact Batman at all when he finds The Gotham Butcher! Why should he?! Fuck Batman and his control issues! What a dick.

Meanwhile, Sebastian Clark and The Gotham Butcher have decided to team up to destroy Gotham City. And they shouldn't have to worry about Bane and his invasion of Gotham City because nobody knows where Bane or his island has gone. I guess Forever Evil is taking place in a pocket dimension! Earth 0.05, perhaps.

Talon #12 Rating: No change. I still don't care for Undead Calvin Rose but I do care for The Gotham Butcher! He's such a sweet teddy bear. Who else can burn 117 orphan children to death and still leave you laughing?

Court of Owls #1

All I want for Court of Owls Christmas is to find out when they started. And why! And how! And by whom!

Since the Court of Owls are a new threat to Batman's precious Gotham City, I don't have to do a Who's Who entry on them! Suck it, God!

The issue begins in Gotham City in 1974. I know that isn't when the Court began! It began at least ten years earlier! Maybe more even! The Narration Boxes are black with white font which, I suspect, means it's a Talon narrating. It could also be the most selfish, oldest, most rubber mask wearingest member of the Court of Owls. He's called the Grandmaster and he can't stand meddling kids.

Since the first Narration Box says, "I like to see imagine their faces when it happens," it proves two things: it's not a Talon talking because a Talon would get to see the non-believer's face and I tend to jump the gun when commenting on the story. Instead of actually getting into the mood and reading even the first fucking page, I start commenting on the color of the typeface! I wonder if this habit can be tied to the reason my mother was constantly screaming at me?

That makes me think of an assignment one of my grade school teachers handed out one day that was a great big fucking trick to play on elementary school kids. She passed around some ditto sheets (yes, dittos! Not copies! Not printed pages! Fucking mimeographed dittos!) that had a numbered list on it. Above the numbered list was a paragraph that said some shit and said to read all the directions before continuing. What that meant was to read over the entire list because the last item on the list said to ignore all of the others which had you marking up the page. But to an elementary school kid who is given tests all the fucking time, the instructions to the test are at the top and the numbered points the questions. So if it said to read all the instructions, not one fucking kid was going to read "all the questions" on the page. It was a big fucking trick by changing up the paradigm they'd hammered into us day in and day out up until that moment.

Of course, it may have been the best lessons I learned in my whole school career and I learned it early. Don't fucking trust teachers. Teachers are smart ass dicks. Tests are bullshit. And following instructions is all they ever wanted out of any of us. Bastards!

The Court of Owls thrive on a neutral Gotham, neither too chaotic nor too lawful. But at the news of Batman's possible death, the city has fallen apart.

Look at the thug stealing the printer! "MY DATABASES NEED TO BE ORGANIZED!"

While the streets run unread with illiterate assholes, Daddy Owl tells Daughter Owl a story about the Court of Owls that took place in 1914. Still too late! I want early stories! I want the fucking beginning already!

The mayor that year was elected on a populist ticket and now he's trying to bring in a bunch of unions to set up shop in Gotham. But the Court has different ideas, of course. They can't allow any power shifts that weren't expressly their idea. Because they like to wield the power! Owls are the most power hungry bird of the animal kingdom! Besides the penguin.

That's what he said! WHO?! Oh wait! I get it. That's supposed to be intimidating.

The mayor does what the Court wants the Owls still wind up killing him by throwing him in their labyrinth. Hmm. How exactly does a labyrinth fit into the theme of the Court of Owls? I don't think owls like labyrinths, so it must be a metaphor for the bureaucracy of the courts system. So he's dead! The Owls win! Yay! Next story!

"No, no dear. It's "WHO?" You never were the brightest owlet in the nest."

The next story takes place in 1891. That's getting better! But in 1914, Owl Orchards said they'd been in power for centuries. So we're still at least 100 years away from the Owls true origin!

In this story, a photographer and his wife are killed because he took a picture of the owls sitting about in their masks watching 19th Century pornography. I think that's composed of a man in a full wool bathing suit showing his flaccid bulge through the cloth while a fully clothed woman with bare wrists holds up a sign that says, "Tallywacker."

The next story takes place in The Narrows in 1862 and features a familiar face!

I guess the Owls can't control everything. Although they are pretty good at secrecy and manipulation. So I bet they actually wanted this member of the Court killed which is why they sent him to rein in The Gotham Butcher.

Eventually The Gotham Butcher is put down and the Court of Owls rise up stronger and blah blah blah. I get it! The Owls are motherfucking Goddamned awesome! Get to the point of the story! Get to the beginning and the only thing that can save the Court at a time like this when Gotham is being burnt to the ground!

How cute! The Court of Owls have a First just like Slayers and Vampires do! Now open the fucking door and tell your little girl how it all began! DO IT! DO IT NOW!

But he doesn't do it. His daughter does kill the jerk with the crossbow trying to stop The Court from UNLEASHING the First Talon on Gotham. So Daddy Owl opens the door and gazes upon the tomb of the First Talon. And then the issue ends.

The Court of Owls #1 Rating: You know, it was a pretty good issue up until the part where it failed to tell me anything new about the Court. I enjoyed the writing and the daddy/daughter dynamic and the little stories. But I learned nothing new except that there was a First Talon. And guess what? I'm pretty sure I could have fucking extrapolated that knowledge. I'm not a genius but I know counting things usually begins with one! Unless you're counting by twos or threes or something. And guess where the First Talon will be making his appearance to help clean up Gotham City? Earth 2! No, no. Of course not! Oh, but that makes me wonder: is there a Court of Owls on Earth 2?! Anyway, The First Talon will be sure to bore your fucking socks off in "the pages of Talon!"

Talon #11

Mostly I enjoy reading and writing about comics. But Talon makes it all seem like work.

For once I really am going to speed through a commentary because Talon is boring and if I become distracted for just one second, I'm going to wander away and do something...oooh! Call of Duty!

The first thing that happens is Casey escapes from Gotham Police Custody. Yeah, yeah. I already called that last issue. "Captured. For now! Because she has to save her daughter." That might not be an exact quote because I don't even have the ability to quote myself. I like to save my brain space for new thoughts rather than housing and storing shit other people wrote. I'm including past versions of myself in "other people."

Gotham City cops are stupid. "Hey chief?! Which way to the fucking roof?!"

Casey is heading up to the roof to turn on the Bat-Signal without Gordon's authorization. Oh man. That's going to earn her a scolding about wasting electricity and shit. Apparently the Bat-Signal has multiple settings because the only creature Casey summons by using it is The Butcher of Gotham. And he's not happy. I mean, he's happy in the way that he really enjoys hunting and hurting people. But from Casey's perspective, the breaking of her arm and verbal abuse doesn't really register as "happy." Will Batman save her? Is Batman allowed to make a guest appearance in Talon this month or have the editors forbade it? It would really suck for Casey if Tynion couldn't sign off on getting Batman.

Back on Santa's Prick Island, Bane and Wolf Spider and Malicia and the guy with the exposed brain and the big dumb brawny one begin chasing Talon and his friends. One of Talon's friends, Anya, is a refugee from the League of Assassins and she makes sure that all the readers know that Ra's al Ghul and his League are having exciting times over in Red Hood and the Outlaws! The editor's note made a huge mistake though. It really should have highlighted, for those yet to have heard, that Scott Lobdell isn't writing that series anymore. More people might actually give it a chance.

A couple of Talon's other friends are beset upon by The Brain and The Brawn (unless they have other stupid names. Oh! Like Brute!). This might be the best super villain team since that psychotic patriotic Firestorm villain whose name I can never remember. Captain I'd Fuck the Flag if it had a Vagina, I think his name was. The brains of this duo sings America the Beautiful and it gets the brawns of this outfit into a lustful frenzy whereby he...well, let's not dwell on what he does to anybody near him when that song begins.

Yeah, yeah. Let's put it back in our pants now, shall we?

I think even the artist and colorist are bored with these scripts. They're barely even trying.

And then there's the most important chase scene where Bane goes after Talon and eventually puts a pipe through his chest. Well! That ought to do it! Job well done! Thanks for ending this comic book, Bane!

I can now imagine Bane wiping his hands and turning to walk away proud of his work when from behind him he suddenly hears, "Just one more thing...." Calvin Rose really should practice his Peter Falk impression just to pull that shit off!

Meanwhile in Gotham, Batman shows up to defeat The Gotham of Butcher! Or something. I don't know. Look for yourself.

See that? James Tynion has been reading Snyder's Batman! And, um, helping write the back-up stories too.

Batman sends The Butcher hanging from a crane although he eventually gets away. But turning on the Bat-Signal did get James Gordon onto the roof screaming his fucking head off about wasted electricity! It's pretty awesome. What an old douche. Casey tells Batman he needs to work with Calvin Rose the Talon to help save her daughter. And then she dies.

No, I don't think she actually dies although when Batman says the word "gone," it sure seems that's what the writing is implying. I think she's just going to be comatose for awhile. She can't die or else Calvin will have to run around with Casey's daughter Sarah as his sidekick. Which means he'll have to fill her full of electrum and kill her first because she can't run around with a Talon and still be mortal.

Calvin beats Bane by escaping from Bane. Bane screams, "NO!" which is the universal code for defeat. Most of Bane's henchmen are killed or maimed and now Calvin is going to warn everyone about their secret invasion. I think that means the Bane part of this story is over. Now if they could just deal with the Court of Owls part of this plot, maybe it could find an interesting story to tell.

Calvin radios back to Gotham and winds up talking to Batman. Batman learns Bane is invading and Calvin learns Casey might die.

Oh, and the Bane story isn't over because Bane is joining forces with The Secret Society of Supervillains to star in a mini-series called Forever Evil: Arkham War.

Talon #11 Rating: No change. Coming in October: The Gotham Butcher Unleashed! More fuckers unleashed, eh? Whatever.

Yes! I finished that in fifty minutes!