Forever Evil #5

Fuck you, Finch. Your Forever Evil covers are either bland or badly drawn. Sometimes both!

Sinestro appeared at the end of last issue to do something or other. I think he was hungry for some Deep Dish Pizza, Metropolis Style as opposed to Chicago Style because fuck Chicago! They hate masks, do they? Well why would a mask go drop twenty tourism bucks in your town if you don't want him there? What, is masked money no good? Anyway, Sinestro didn't find his pizza. He found Power Ring battling Temp Sinestro Corps Member, Batman! Also in the room? All those fuckers on the cover of this issue. And now, on with the story!

As this story begins, Sinestro has chased Power Ring into the sewers of Metropolis. I don't know how they got there. They dropped down the hole in the floor created by Luthor and Pals? I'm not sure why Sinestro is after him. It's hard to figure out Sinestro's motivations. Is he doing something selfless or selfish this time? Is he fighting for justice or simply for order at any price? Is he just trying to make Hal Jordan look bad or make Hal Jordan look bad? I think I know why Power Ring is fleeing from Sinestro though. Because Power Ring is a coward and his ring is quickly running out of charge.

The rest of the Secret Society of Super-Villains remain to battle Luthor and Pals with Special Guest Members Batman and Catwoman. This is probably the part where I'd scan a picture of the fight but, like usual, David Finch has graced us with a two page splash that doesn't fit in my rectum. I mean scanner!

I just realized I had a little more fuck you in me for David Finch! Why the fuck isn't Captain Cold on the cover, you dick?! He's the best member (after Bizarro!) of Luthor and Pals!

Why the fuck is Deathstroke making an Alice in Wonderland reference? He seems more of a quote Rocky III kind of guy.

Naturally, Catwoman takes on Deathstroke. I can't think of a better match-up! I mean, maybe Batman would be a better match against Deathstroke but he's busy bickering with Lex Luthor, so he doesn't have time to throw Bat-punches. The next match-up is Giganta versus Catwoman. Wait. That can't be right. Did Catwoman already defeat Deathstroke?!

If I were the fictional character of Catwoman, I would get super pissed every time somebody made me say "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?"

Let's see...I think the next match-up will be Blockbuster versus Catwoman! No, I'm wrong! It's actually Shadow Thief versus Captain Cold. And the winner of that battle is Black Manta!

Batman battles Copperhead while Deathstroke takes on Lex Luthor. Deathstroke should have quit the Secret Society of Super-Villains months ago. He keeps getting his ass beat and he's not making any money because he's yet to make a single head roll. I don't know why the fuck he'd have joined up with this fucking crew when he's wealthy beyond belief and he doesn't work well on a team. The last team he had back in Deathstork Deathstroke #ReallyEarlyIssue, he killed them all! This is one of those big universe wide crossovers where they just needed a bad-ass killer so they decided to forget about Slade's personal motivations and throw him in the mix anyway. If they just have him mention how he's getting paid, it's enough of a reason to have him in the group! But I'm not buying it! I won't be fooled by this bullshit! And Deathstroke shouldn't either! His reputation is going to take a huge hit after the Crime Syndicate is defeated and everybody notices that Deathstroke got his ass handed to him no fewer than twelve times.

Fuck this. Fuck you! Fuck Johns! Fuck Finch! Fuck Liefeld! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Slade is supposed to be super smart! He would have thought through all of the ramifications of siding with the Crime Syndicate. And, you know, he never would have done it anyway! What the fuck did I just get through saying?

So it takes Luthor's big brain to convince Slade to turn on the Crime Syndicate? Whatever. Toss my fucking salad, Johns.

Meanwhile in the sewers, Sinestro cuts off Power Ring's arm. The big veiny arm. The one with the ring on it. And the ring decides to cut its losses and go find a new host while Harold goes up in yellow flames. At least he was finally happy and free of that despotic ring. But who will the ring use as its host now? Who is the most cowardly person in The New 52?! My gut tells me it'll be a Batman villain. Maybe Scarface's master, Arnold Wesker (the non-telekinetic Ventriloquist who has only been seen in Finch's early issues of The Dark Knight)?

Back to the main bout, Copperhead gets his head blown off by Deathstroke and the last antagonist standing, Blockbuster, is knocked out by Bizarro. Now it's probably time for Batman to chastise everybody and act self-righteous because he wouldn't have resorted to guns or killing like these other barbarians always do. Except it isn't Batman that does the chastising. It's Sinestro!

Smart move, Luthor! Give up the leadership position just in case things go wrong!

Batman tries to demand to be leader but I don't think these guys see Batman in the same way that Batman sees Batman. Why would they need a powerless goody-two-shoes bitch when they've got a genius and a magic superman and an assassin and a ring wielder and another Superman but this one like a child? Batman seems a bit superfluous in this group. I mean, in their eyes! We all understand why they need Batman to lead! Because he's the Goddamned Batman and nobody is better at everything than he is!

Back at the Batcave, the top three members of the Crime Syndicate are having a little chat about Kryptonite and Waynes. Their discussion is interrupted by Grid who mentions something has appeared over Maine in response to Power Ring's ring's call for a new host. Maybe Brainiac? Or somebody from Apokolips? Whatever it is, it has Ultraman and the rest a bit worried. I hope it's not Mongul and his shitty Warworld.

It's not. It's just a big red tear that needed another double splash page to express its extra large dimensions. So Power Ring's ring is still off looking for a host and will probably find one on Earth. Maybe it'll even find one in one of the spin-off mini-series. Ultraman points out that the big red tear in the sky is because the creature that destroyed their world has now found New Earth. I thought that was probably Darkseid but maybe not. Or maybe so. One of those.

Forever Evil #5 Rating: -4 Ranking for the portrayal of Deathstroke. I didn't like the way he was being used up until this point but to have him switch sides because of a brief argument by Lex that Slade should have already thought of himself was the camel that broke its own back.

Justice League of America #10

I'm not the only one that looked at this cover and wondered what the fuck Stargirl was pulling out of her ass, am I?

Last issue, Martian Manhunter battled Martian Manhunter in his Deathstorm Prison Cell. But Stargirl escaped or something. It's basically the Justice League of America treading water until they can get back into the Forever Evil storyline.

This issue begins with Stargirl trapped in the memory of her origin as she reads a book by the psychotic best-selling author, David Graves. But Martian Manhunter is also stuck in her head, so he's there to try to get her ass in gear and/or make her go insane.

You know, Courtney, your step-dad might explain it all to you but he's probably a bit embarrassed about the whole being an adult sidekick to a kid thing.

That's about the extent of Stargirl's memory before Blockbuster punches her in the face and she wakes up in the middle of a battle with him as well as Deathstroke, Copperhead, Shadow Thief, and Giganta. Her powers have merged with Martian Manhunter's powers which allows her to take a punch full in the face from Blockbuster and then another from Giganta. But Martian Manhunter warns her, in a faux British accent, "My powers are faaaaaading! You must stop remembering your stupid past and saaaaaave the daaaaaaay!"

Stargirl doesn't really listen because her head is killing her and why doesn't Martian Manhunter just shut the fuck up already! Although, I suppose her head could be hurting from the mega-fisting it took from Giganta.

Yeah, that's not going to help.

Stargirl takes a quick break to remember learning that the original wielder of her Star Staff was named Sylvester Pemberton. But she's too young to remember All Star Squadron and Infinity Inc. and whatever fucking books that rich motherfucker was a part of. And then she's got her act together and she's ready to defeat the Secret Society of Super-Villains all by herself.

The one member she doesn't defeat is Deathstroke because we're already pushing credulity that she defeated the rest of them by herself with Martian Manhunter's powers while he yells inside of her head. And since Deathstroke can't fly (except that one time in an issue of Batman: The Dark Knight where he lands on the Batplane all Venomed out for some reason and then disappears just as quickly), Stargirl takes off into the sky like some kind of Skyman or Star-Spangled Kid.

Stargirl lands in Metropolis to separate from Martian Manhunter with some drama about how she's tired of following orders and how nobody knows any better than she does what the right thing to do is and how she's going to go back to L.A. to make sure her family is safe. Martian Manhunter, now seperated, begins to search for the prison that holds the rest of the Justice League members. They're either in Firestorm's Slash Fanfiction Space or Deathstorm's Snuff Fanfiction Space.

Oh good! They're in the Slash Fanfiction Prison!

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN TRINITY WAR AND FOREVER EVIL?
By Grunion Gun!

At first, Superman couldn't believe what he was seeing: a large, well-muscled man in blue and red spandex that was just a little too tight in the crotch with a large letter on his chest! But something wasn't quite right! The woman next to him looked incredibly like Lois Lane, especially in the boob and the butt area! Which he could see both of perfectly because she was a master of the Boob/Butt Showcase! Next to them was a character that looked an awful like lot Green Lantern but his right arm had a serious four hour erection! The Flash but with a penis shaped head squatted nearby sneering and masturbating so quickly that the air was soon filled with a thick mist of jizz!

"What is this?" quipped Clark Kent just as everything began to spin and shake and dissolve into some other place! He thought he could hear two voices screaming softly, "No! No! Fury can't handle this many psyches! We'll become...FURIOUS FUCKING!" And then there was a bright flash of light!

Superman felt a large hand running up his inner thigh as his vision began to clear! "Bruce?" he asked with a slight smile on his lips and a bulge that could only come from a Kryptonian's underwear!

"Who's Bruce?" came the small, child-like voice! Superman opened his eyes to see Shazam slowly cupping his crotch! "What's the quickest way to get this...," Captain Marvel tugged at Superman's erection, "Out of these tights and into here?" Captain Marvel pointed at his naked asshole!

Suddenly there was a blur of red and yellow behind Shazam and Shazam's face twisted into an orgiastic grimace as The Flash fucked him in 0.000008 seconds flat! Superman gaped in confusion or ecstasy or however a person gapes and quickly ripped his suit apart, freeing his Krypton which was ready to explode once again! He grabbed Billy Batson by the back of the head and rammed his mouth down over his cock! As Superman came, everybody in the space felt the shockwaves as Aquaman telepathically linked their mines for the precious moment! Nearby, Simon Baz was creating magnificently sculptured buttplugs with his ring and....

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on, Grunion Gun! Stop the fucking presses!

Did you just make Billy Batson suck Superman's cock? Is that illegal? Can you even type that?! I mean, it's obvious he's in his grown man persona, right, but does that make it okay? It does, doesn't it? Maybe I should stop this story now before it gets too sexy. I mean, illegal.

Justice League of America #10 Rating: No change. I can tell I'm not really that into a story arc when I can't think of much to say about it. Also when it devolves into Slash Fiction. That's probably a bad sign as well.