Arkham War #3

I initially read this cover as "Frog Hunt." And then I read it again and giggled because it says "Craw Cunt."

I believe titling your comic book "Croc Hunt" is far worse than drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles! Who will be fired for this outrageous use of sneaky-minded rules breaking?! Also, why is Bane wrestling a green Venom?

Last issue, the cover told me the Talon would rise. But not one Talon rose of its own volition. A bunch of them sort of dangled from the claws of Man-bats stealing their frozen bodies from Blackgate. So I suppose they "rose" up into the sky. Not exactly the excitement I was expecting by the cover. It's a good thing I understand comic book covers and the outrageous lies they tell every single month and wasn't at all disappointed. I was actually quite pleased because I'm sick to death of fucking Talons and hope they all get killed off in this comic book. I'm hoping that Arkham War was conceived mainly to end the problem of having all of these super dangerous immortal zombie assassins waiting to be unfrozen. Batman couldn't kill them. But the Arkham Crazy Time Players can!

Also, the besterest Interim Blackgate Warden ever to grace the pages of a DC Comic Book, Agatha Greeklastnameopolis, was rescued from the prison by James Gordon, hero! She's my favorite character after all the other characters I've listed as my favorite. I think she ranks somewhere between 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Alysia Yeoh.

CROC HUNT!

Whoa! Calm down, fucker! Think about what you're doing for a second!

Everyone understands that Bane is a problem, Mad Hatter. But he's just one problem. One problem that you can understand because you can see what his goals and his motivations are. Is it really a good idea to let loose seven Talons on Gotham in the hopes that you can somehow control them and get them to kill Bane? This feels like setting the house on fire just to take care of a squirrel in the attic. Maybe a better analogy is letting seven raving maniacal murderers free in your house to tidy up a bit.

I just don't see anything good happening from this plan.

Crane and Langstrom were captured by Bane at the end of last issue but they've been rescued by Killer Croc at the beginning of this issue. That was all part of the plan! And for his part in kidnapping the Talons, Johnny Crane rewards Croc with Wayne Tower. I don't know how Scarecrow negotiated that great piece of Gotham Realty when Penguin divvied everything up. He must know some pretty juicy secrets that The Penguin doesn't want to get out.

Meanwhile Bane makes good on his deal with The Penguin.

Emperor Blackgate? More like Emperor Bit Off More Than He Could Chew...umm...gate!

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites don't fear him and that they're all saying, "He's no Batman." But then, those crazy assholes don't fear Batman either, do they? If they really did fear Batman, they wouldn't keep coming back to Gotham to commit their crime sprees, would they? Unless none of them really see the difference between fear and love? Because they all seem to have some kind of a warm spot in their crotch region for Bat-Abuse.

Whatever their feelings toward Batman, Bane decides it's time to use it to his advantage.

So when does DC release the Cosplaying Bane Action Figure?

Bane's first act as Batbane is to throw Killer Croc from the roof of Wayne Tower. That's a pretty fucked up first move. Poor Killer Croc. He was completely set up by The Scarecrow. Killer Croc was nice and safe and cozy underground until The Scarecrow lured him into Wayne Tower and convinced him he should set up shop above ground. That only left Croc exposed to Bane while the others took to Croc's sewers to set up shop with their Talons. With everybody using everybody else in this War, I'm beginning to suspect the Talons are going to win once they're revived. The Talons may not even need to be revived with all the back stabbing going on!

Arkham War #3 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Warden Agatha wasn't in this issue. I guess there are just so many characters that can be spotlighted in any one issue of this thing. Arkham War shouldn't have been released as a comic book. It should be a Board Game! Or Video Game for those of us that don't have any friends.

Batman: The Dark Knight #8

I asked in another commentary why Batman has so many Wonderland foes. And now we get to see them all together! Maybe Finch and Harris will "make up" some new ones. I put make up in quotes because I really meant steal or plagiarize or borrow without asking.

This is my last issue of the New 52 until I'm technically caught up. Technically because it's currently May 31st and the only comics left in the stack came out in this May! Technically because that means I still have 50 regular issues and 2 Annuals left to read (I'm actually caught up on Batwing and Justice League International. This probably means I'll rush through the commentary on this one. Except it's about Wonderland, one of my favorite places, so maybe that won't happen.

First off, the cover gives credit to David Finch and Richard Friend. But that's all they did was the cover. The interior pencils are by Ed Benes and the inks by Rob Hunter and Jack Purcell. Just one of many editorial fuck ups on DC's part.

Commissioner Gordon calls Batman to take a look at a crime scene before the regular police get their hands on it. It's in the subway and dozens of corpses litter the platform and the train. And they all apparently killed each other and/or themselves.

Gordon continues to be hassled by Forbes, the idiot in Internal Affairs. Forbes has gone to the mayor and requested that Gordon undergo a psychological evaluation and Mayor Hady agreed. Gordon is a little bit pissed about it.

So the two parts of the story are tying together neatly with the title of this issue, "The Madness."
The Gotham subway is full of old closed-off tunnels which Batman has decided to investigate. The first foes he encounters are Tweddle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum prepare to have a battle.

Batman has entered Wonderland and they're all mad down there. Although, technically, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum roam the lands behind the looking glass. The Tweedles are acting loonier than usual so Batman decides they're under some for of mind control just like the passengers of the subway. Alfred, who is in radio contact with Batman, fears what this might mean for the rest of Gotham. And no sooner does he voice his fear, then he sees evidence on television that other people are being affected by the Madness.

Wouldn't Batman be investigating the subway much later than a press conference would be scheduled? This timing seems fishy and contrived!

And across Gotham, Gordon has already been scheduled to visit the shrink. Now that's really really convenient! Really!

Batman chases Dum and Dee back to their headquarters where he encounters the next Wonderland resident.

Who else when Mind Control and Wonderland are involved? And the cover highlights his participation.

The Mad Hatter has the Tweedle boys positioning a radio transmission dish over Gotham. The Hatter is spreading his madness and Batman, well, Batman stops it. With a little help from Gordon who arrives in a helicopter in time to distract the Mad Hatter. Yeah, he does it that easily. Just, you know, stops the Mad Hatter.

And that's the whole story! A story just to showcase more Wonderland villains because the White Rabbit has been running around Gotham for the last 8 issues. It also, sort of, compares Gotham to Wonderland. Are the people of Gotham prone to violence, crime, and madness simply because they live in Gotham? Were the residents of Wonderland mad because of the influence of Wonderland? Or is the madness already there in the heads and hearts of the people, just waiting for something like The Mad Hatter to tip them past the breaking point.

Who cares? The Mad Hatter is a big jerk that caused a bunch of people to kill themselves and then Batman knocked him off of a building. Batman seems awfully careless with the lives of villains in these Dark Knight stories. Is that why they're Dark Knight stories? Is he supposed to be a bit more ruthless in these than in the others? This story was also just filler until the Night of Owls story in Issue #9.

Batman: The Dark Knight #8 Rating: No change. So this is the comic where the creators pull an emotion or a state of being out of a hat and then write a story based on that?

"Fear!" "Oh! Oh! I can fill seven fucking issues on that! Easy!
"Madness!" "Oh! Wonderland characters! One issue story!
"Impotence!" Yes! More White Rabbit cameos! Four issues!