Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #4

Some covers just don't scream, "Read this comic book!"

El Diablo Review!
I read it. It was a comic book starring El Diablo. Batman is also in it, if that interests you. It incorporates art and words to tell a story. The story is better understood if you've read the previous three issues. Also, it helps to remember the previous three issues you read. I didn't remember them that well. Some characters from previous issues return. It ends with a cliffhanger as Amanda Waller sends Task Force IV or V to kill El Diablo. Amanda Waller has some serious control issues to work through.

The Ranking!
No change!

Killer Croc Review!

The Killer Croc story begins with an odd turn of events.

Why would Croc imagine himself as a white man?

I have a theory! This isn't the real Killer Croc! The real Killer Croc was last seen in the pages of Batwoman where we learned his sympathetic story and how he has been trying to make Gotham a better place for her displaced citizens. The Killer Croc we've seen since then is this white guy! Okay, that doesn't really make sense since Killer Croc #1 of Villains Month showed him as a young black kid. So my other theory is that the Rebirth Waylon Jones is a white guy! The theory I've decided isn't a great theory because it's criticizing people just trying to do their jobs is the one where the artist, colorist, and editor all majorly fucked up.

Killer Croc has just confronted an army of mutated, sentient animals even though Killer Croc is technically not really an animal. But it works thematically so shut the fuck up.

I once drew my own comic book called Arrogance. That was the name of the superhero group. Their first major battle was against the S.P.C.A. (Society of Paranormal and Cognitive Animals). It was pretty much this comic book.

The poor animals seem to recognize Killer Croc as one of their own so they decide to follow him. It might not last though since they're wearing some kind of control collars. And it doesn't. But then it does because Killer Croc smashes the control collars' control! Now he has an army of mutant animals!

Killer Croc saves the day like he was supposed to but not in the way Amanda wanted him to. Then he swims off to take a break from Suicide Squad business. Even though he's been quite busy over in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I guess he didn't much care for being alone.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Killer Croc #3

Killer Croc stars in Battle Royale: Crete!

The El Diablo Review!
At one point in the story, quite early on, El Diablo says, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." At that moment, I lowered my head and thought, "I can't do this anymore. I just...I can't read boring writers who quote things everybody has heard because it's used every fucking where fucking else. Also fucking." I would be embarrassed to hand in a script which contained a line I've heard countless times in other sources. I would be all, "To write, or not to write! That is the question! Whether tis nobler to something something or whatever." Right off the tip of my tongue, that! I would totally finish the line if I could be bothered to expend my talents on this review of a story that already proved itself to be mediocre bullshit on page nine. Oh man. I was already on page nine?! It felt like I was only on the second page when this sense of futility crashed down upon me! Anyway, I should probably finish reading this. After all, I did pay $3.74 for it (after discount!).

Oh, after El Diablo farts that garbage from his mouth, he and Azucar make out. Whew! I was worried Jai Nitz wasn't going to weld an improbable love story onto this mess. I've had it with love stories! Now, so far they've just kissed, so it's entirely possible this will just be a stray path into Fistington and that'll be that. But we all know that any stupid comic book aimed at teens always gets it wrong and puts love ahead of sex. Love isn't a real thing! Love is just the feeling in your stomach that's like when the roller coaster crests that first hill and begins plummeting down the steepest descent! Except the feeling isn't caused by gravity; it's caused by the fearful realization that a person who doesn't totally seem to be disgusted by you will get to know the real you and flee as fast they can, just like every other person you've gotten close to. But that feeling also makes the orgasms better. The best you can hope for is that they'll become too lazy and unmotivated to ever leave your boring ass. It's not as if you aren't thinking the same thing about them! Relationships are always weighing whether or not it's time to quit before the other person fires you.

This is the most romantic dialogue I've read in years!

El Diablo runs into Catwoman choking Cluemaster in his office. So I guess they're fucking too? It's hard to tell what's sex and what's conflict and what's plans for the future because everybody is acting so weird! El Diablo and Azucar just began kissing while swapping origin stories. I certainly didn't expect them to get naked during that. So when El Diablo walks in on Catwoman dressed in leather with her whip around Cluemaster's neck and a laptop under her arm, you can understand how I might think they're fucking. It's far more sexy than telling somebody how they got their job with Checkmate. That didn't make me want to fuck Azucar at all!

Some woman who escaped the Suicide Squad breaks up the fight (oh yeah! There was a fight between Catwoman and El Diablo!) and forced Catwoman to give the laptop to El Diablo. She doesn't reveal who she is. If she's been seen before, my brain has decided it wasn't worth keeping the information. She does use some kind of Darkseid gun though!

Later, while doing the thing that El Diablo is doing...you know, whatever the main plot is...he and Azucar run into Sin Tzu. He's all, "You are here for the plot?" And they're all, "Yeah, yeah! The plot! The Beowulf Project, I guess?" And Sin Tzu is all, "Oh yeah! That! Meet the experiments!" Then he introduces them to a bunch of zombies created by mixing Lazarus Juice with Joker Poison and Bane Drug and Scarecrow Gas and Man-Bat Semen. Gross! Oh wait! It's Man-Bat Serum!

Anyway, that's probably the end for El Diablo and Azucar. No way they can battle a bunch of super zombies in the Ace Chemical plant where El Diablo can't use his powers without destroying Gotham completely! I mean, probably!

The Ranking!
-1! This ranking is because I simply don't care about this comic book. Although I wouldn't mind if more comic books had characters undressing and making out in the middle of any conversation. That sex scene was really weird! As if Jai Nitz rewrote the scene but only after Cliff Richards had finished the art for the original scene where they get all fucky with each other. At least it wasn't a Batman and Alfred scene. That would have been weird. Not because they're both guys! It's just that Alfred is like his father! And he's old!

The Killer Croc Review!
What more can be said about Killer Croc that hasn't already been said beautifully in the pages of The New 52 Batwoman? Oh wait! A lot since that entire history of Killer Croc was thrown in the garbage can, right next to my pride which I haven't seen since the first time I had sex. It was not a good experience. I mean, I orgasmed, so that was great! But I did it quickly and all over my partner's face. Surprise! That thing was waiting years to go off at somebody else's hands!

What I'm trying to say is I have no idea where DC Comics stands with Killer Croc right now. Is he a savage animal killing indiscriminately to survive under the streets of Gotham? Is he a monster, lost and alone in an uncaring world? Is he a guy just trying to take care of himself and the other undesirables living in the sewers of Gotham? I'm just trying to figure out how much I should sympathize with him in this story.

Waylon Jones basically asks the same question at the start of this story: "Am I a monster or a man?" This is where I'd normally think about ending it all so I don't have to read yet one more comic book with the whole "What am I?!" theme. But this time, Waylon finishes the thought with "Depends on the day I'm having," and I'm won over. At least for the next eighteen pages! I can give it that much for letting me know, right off the bat, that Waylon isn't really worrying his scaly big head about the answer to that question. He's both, and he acts as one or the other according to his situation. I can appreciate that.

I used to daydream about the end of the world as a kid. Not about the event that ended it. But living in it. Just me. A lone survivor with nothing but time and lots of empty houses to explore.

Waller sends Croc to an island full of monsters being used as weapons to destroy nearby cities, and eventually cities not so nearby, and then cities even further away than that. But Croc is supposed to destroy the monsters and the lab that's creating them. Instead, Waylon befriends the monsters and leads his army of misfits down into the island where the evil corporation's secret lab lies. But once he's underground, he's out of radio contact with Amanda. Which also means she can't detonate the bomb in his neck. He's finally free of Waller's orders. He's free to do whatever he wants. He'll probably shoot up some of the secret serum and become Super Killer Croc. At least for a few pages before he collapses from exhaustion and winds up back in Belle Reve, ready for another suicide mission.

The Ranking!
+1! This story was interesting enough! It might not have super duper wowed me but it has a point. And I always appreciate a story that has a viewpoint, or really works through a theme. This story is all about how animals can't be monsters; man is the real monster! Okay, so that's not the most original theme. But it's nice to see Killer Croc acknowledge that the side of him that makes him a violent murderer is the side of him that has nothing to do with his disfigurement. That's all just homegrown humanity coming out of him!

Catwoman #44

This is what the Lantern Corps need! A cat on every team!

If Spoiler winds up taking the job as Catwoman's sidekick, I'm afraid she's going to have to change her name to Pussygirl. There's just no getting around it. Especially if Frank Tieri is taking on the writing gig after Genevieve Valentine. He's the perfect writer to set up that story arc that nobody else would ever set up! Because he's not very good at writing. He's also bad at writing. Plus he thinks emasculating a man by accusing him of looking at gay porn is an acceptable way of dehumanizing a person. It might be if those two people are really good friends and in junior high. Or really good friends who met in junior high and are now forty year olds named Doom Bunny and Grunion Guy. But it's not acceptable any other time for reasons which I won't go into because I can't remember why it's bad. Maybe this guy Rusty (unless his name is John!) can remember. I seem to remember he knows a lot about etiquette and proper standards of behavior. If you have any questions for him, you can send queries to trentresin_666@hotmail.com. But be polite! You wouldn't start letters to Ann Landers with remarks like "You're a huge piece of shit, Rusty, and I hate you forever for what you did to me that time!" That's just uncalled for. Although feel free to point out that The Boondock Saints was an awful movie and the opinions of anybody who liked it aren't worth the time to send an email asking them their opinions.

This issue begins with Catwoman headed into the sewers to recover Eiko from Killer Croc. It also begins with another letter from an old dead person. This one is about how grief makes you disrespectful or brave or something. I guess that means Selina is going to bust some heads because of what happened to Eiko. Black Mask may have finally made a major mistake. Unless he made a major mistake earlier and I just missed it because I don't really know what's going on in this comic book anymore. I'm just rooting for Selina to win!

Killer Croc offers to take Eiko home now that she's had a nap and recovered from her bullet wound and the fall from the top of a building.

You can't be careful fucking a crocodile man!

My cat just walked into the room screaming at me and I called her Fingercuffs. I think she disapproves of felines consorting with reptiles.

Black Mask gets footage of Killer Croc escorting Catwoman home to the Hasigawa residence. That's probably going to piss Eiko's father off when Black Mask uses it against their family. Although Black Mask can't cause any more trouble if he's being digested in the belly of a crocodile man! Hint, hint! Although maybe that wasn't subtle enough to be considered a hint. Suggestion, suggestion?

Spoiler goes from training with Eiko and being pissed at Catwoman to running into Catwoman and working with her. Stephanie just can't resist the call to action. She's tasked with stealing evidence from Keyes and Alvarez. The evidence consists of the information a murdered man named Bill Turner had on Batman and the Bat-Family. After getting Stephanie to sort of agree to help, Catwoman throws herself off of the top of a building because that's how people in Gotham City travel. Apparently this city was designed like a monkey cage in a zoo. You can get to anywhere from anywhere by simply leaping around.

Selina is just trying to find a way out of the mob style drama of Gotham now without losing anybody else she cares for. I don't mind if she loses some of them because I'm not really attached to any of them. Although I wasn't attached to Antonia's brother either and his death was dramatic and touching. I just hope Valentine writes the deaths of Keyes and Alvarez as comic!

I know I've stated multiple times I want Catwoman back doing her burglar shtick but I'd rather have Valentine's Catwoman in the mob than Tieri's Catwoman doing anything at all. Even loads of sex. Well, maybe I'll try that for a little while!

Even if I can't quite follow all the intricacies of the crime family plot, it's a thousand times better than any story in the pages of Catwoman since The New 52 began. And I could be completely lost until the end of time in the overall story as long as Valentine keeps giving me moments like this:

I have no faith that I'll get any scenes like this from Frank Tieri. His would have ended with Antonia saying, "Don'y listen to ward! He's gay and into gay stuff!"

Meanwhile while Eiko is out and about the city, The Black Mask uses the knowledge he gained from his surveillance of the Hasigawa building to sneak in and begin murdering everybody. He doesn't play fair but at least I don't have to wonder who is on whose side when bullets begin flying.

Apparently Black Mask assumed it was Selina Kyle in the Catwoman mask being taken into the Hasigawa building. He believed he had been betrayed by the Hasigawa clan and that they were working with Selina Kyle and the Calabreses. Black Mask confronts Eiko's father with a picture of Croc bringing Catwoman into the building and asks him to deny the partnership. Eiko's father puts it all together and realizes it's his daughter in the Catwoman suit. He refuses to betray her to Black Mask and accepts death instead. So another fucking death of somebody I didn't really give a fuck about but done in such a way that brings tears to my eyes. Mostly because Eiko will never know how much her father truly loved her, and what he now sacrificed simply to keep her safe from Sionis.

Eiko returns to find her father murdered and a message on the wall: "Play with the cat get scratched". Well, not if you're careful. And you own a pair of chainmail sharkproof gauntlets.

Catwoman #44 Rating: +2 Ranking. Most writers can't make the death of a main character emotionally moving but Valentine has killed off two nobodies in Catwoman and they've both been heart-rending and/or gut-wrenching. It goes to show how much can be accomplished when a writer treats all of her characters as three dimensional human beings moving throughout a realistic landscape with their own motivations. These characters aren't just set pieces for Selina Kyle's story. They aren't just a bunch of faceless xenophobes screaming for Superman to go back home to his dead planet. Valentine has built a world that, while maybe it isn't exactly the best fit for a "Catwoman" comic book, is a living, breathing landscape that is well worth reading. She's been a bright oasis in the deserts between Nocenti and, quite soon as we exit the other side of her shade and water, Tieri. I'll enjoy this while it lasts because I have absolutely no faith in a Frank Tieri Catwoman series.

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2

The Annuals should be issues where the characters just get to take a break from crimefighting. I want to see Bruce and Clark on a cruise!

This issue begins with Xa-du because we haven't had enough of this boring asshole yet. I mean, I have had enough of him. But I guess Greg Pak doesn't think his readers have had enough of him. If Greg Pak doesn't watch out, he's going to become my next dead horse. He's precariously close to being a writer whose writing I don't like. That's my polite way of saying that he's a bad writer but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that's just my ignorant opinion and that maybe he's actually a fantastic writer but I just don't happen to like his writing. But if he keeps cramming this idiot Xa-du down my throat, I'm going to unleash the hounds, set the Doomsday Clock to midnight, and get out my Dead Horse Beating Stick. And once I start beating a dead horse, it's very rare that I stop because it's so much fucking fun.

Xa-du was banished back to the Phantom Zone with his ability to escape finally neutralized. But guess what?! He still has the ability to reach out of the Phantom Zone and manipulate people with his Hypno-Impulse! So his next plan is to reach out to all of Batman and Superman's enemies and convince them that Clark Kent needs to die.

Every window in Paris looks out on the Eiffel Tower. I think Escher designed the city.

Yay! Another story where Superman and Batman aren't trying to help people but are simply defending themselves against attack! I can't get enough of stories that show how fucking useless being a superhero is! I just love a good story where all the death and destruction caused is simply because the super hero exists. So inspirational!

I have no idea who the woman in Paris is in the scan above. Phobia? Oh, I bet it's Talia al Ghul, right? There's also a panel showing the Bahamas and a hand with a machete in it. I don't know who the fuck that would be either.

Superman is currently investigating the island where Doomsday exploded everything and killed everybody and whatever the fuck happened in Doomed! The island is on fire and spreading a thick black cloud of Doomsday dust. But Superman knows how to get rid of it and set himself up for a really exciting story where he has to battle Batman's enemies in much the same way Batman has always had to battle them: without any powers! Superman uses his new Exploding Vagina Power to disintegrate everything in a few miles radius around him. Except his power goes KRAKOOM unlike his sister's power which goes FWASH! I guess that's the difference in sound between a vagina exploding and a scrotum exploding. Now he's powerless for twenty-four hours! Just in time for Xa-du's Hypno-Impulse controlled villains to attack him!

Clark heads deeper into the island to await Batman's arrival because he'll be easier to find in the thick jungle than if he remained on the beach. He's looking for the source of the Doomsday Cloud and he finds a bunch of people scavenging medical supplies from one of the abandoned hospitals on the ruined resort island. They've been burning crap that apparently is full of Doomsday's toxins. And then the person in the Bahamas who was influenced by Xa-du attacks.

At least he's starting out with an easy villain.

Now that Superman has a power which causes him to lose his power (pretty much the only reason it was created, by the way), is everybody going to rush out and write their version of the Superman shows how he's a hero even without any powers story? I like Geoff Johns' version where Superman did the right thing in the face of real danger. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this story as much where Superman gets a chance to prove that he's every bit as good at super heroing without powers as Batman is. Batman trained with the best teachers across the planet across many, many years. Superman relies on his invulnerability and super strength. The hardest part of Superman's job is calculating how hard to punch somebody so that he doesn't knock their head clean off of their body. But now he's going to stand toe to toe with Killer Croc, Bane, Talia, and Man-Bat? Bah! I don't even think he could take Man-Bat!

Clark takes a throwing star to the back as he pushes some guy out of the way. It's the same guy he pushed out of the way earlier. I think that guy needs to start getting out of the way on his own. Also, Man-bat must not know what Clark Kent looks like. I will not make a blind as a bat joke because that's a myth and I only deal in truth and facts and self-embellishment. After Clark falls to the ground with a shuriken lodged in his spine, a mysterious woman comes to his rescue!

Now Clark and the mystery woman are stuck back to back by a throwing star.

So she's battling to save her friend (and maybe Clark) while Clark battles to save her friend (and maybe himself) but she's braver? Simply because she doesn't know Batman is coming? You know she's not going to sleep with you for the compliment because she can't hear your Narration Boxing, Clark.

Batman arrives to save their lives and says, "Idiots," as he arrives. What the fuck was that about? They're being attacked by a monster and he's going to chastise them? Does everybody really think the best way to write Batman is to make him a complete asshole?

Hee hee.

Everybody escapes into a manhole and then Bane shoots the Man-bat in the head and kills it. Also arriving with Bane are Cheshire, Killer Croc, and three dozen more Man-bats. They're all hunting Clark Kent and they all have terrifically fast methods of travel and amazingly high tech gadgets that enable them to track Clark Kent. If they're here already, did they see Superman blow his scrotum?

My main question is why are Bane and Killer Croc working together? Xa-du's manipulation doesn't make them forget their past. It just makes them sort of feel like killing Clark Kent. But I think Bane might want a piece of Croc after what he did to him during Batman Eternal. And Croc obviously hasn't forgotten that Bane threw him from the top of Wayne Tower in Arkham War (which is why he humiliated Bane in Batman Eternal!). But now they're just going to forget all the bad blood because they both kind of sort of want to murder Clark Kent for some unknown reason? Bah.

You know what's better than having villains mind-controlled to attack the heroes? Giving the villains a motivation to attack the heroes that makes sense to their characters! But that's hard! And Greg Pak really loves the easy way out.

Clark wants to help Batman stop the thugs but Batman doesn't believe that Clark Kent is ready to go toe to toe with this group of villains (he's right). Batman decides he has to give Clark a quick rundown on the villains so Clark knows exactly why he'll be no help in a fight against them. Batman is a condescending dickhole. Clark Kent is a journalist! I think he knows about these thugs!

Batman tells the civilians to find anything they can use as a weapon and to sit tight while he takes care of business. Janice, the brave woman, uncovers a box full of knives and is all, "Batman sir! Will these do?" Then Clark is all, "I'm going to fight too!" So Batman ties him to a concrete post. Because what better way to use Clark than as bait so Batman can lure the bad guys in close.

Killer Croc breaks through a wall and Clark thinks, "I'm just flesh-and-blood right now and for the first time in ages, I remember what it feels like to be terrified."

Can I ask you a question, Mr. Pak? Do you read the things you write? Do you remember any of the things you write? Because you just recently wrote that story in Action Comics about Smallville turning into a horror story, remember? And remember how the creature devoured fear? And how it made everybody, including Superman, feel terrified? And the way Superman finally defeated the Ultra-Humanite was to allow himself to feel truly terrified so that it would consume too much fear and be sated? Or something like that. However it worked out, I'm fairly certain that the whole point of the story was to show Lana Lang that Superman also feels terror and loss. But now is the first time in ages he's felt scared! Okay. Whatever. I guess this story takes place before that story.

It turns out Clark was in on the "lure Killer Croc in close" plan (although he was still terrified! Coward!). I'm surprised Batman is allowing Clark to act so much in their missions lately. But then Batman and Croc are covered in rubble so now it's up to Clark to save Batman! Unless Janice saves Batman. She is much braver and more competent and less of a puss.

One pillar was taken out and this happens to half the hospital. What a shit building.

The Man-bats are taken out by a poison gas trap but Cheshire, master of poison, is unaffected. But then she's knocked out by a single blow of a pipe to the back of the head. It's like she's not one of the greatest assassins at all! Can Clark at least struggle to defeat Cheshire? My guess is that he got some of his powers back already and he's lucky he didn't completely crush her skull.

As Bane gives chase to Clark, Batman comes out of the jungle riding Croc. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, Killer Croc attacks Bane and they fall off of a cliff and into the ocean (with a little help from some of Batman's non-lethal explosives). Then Batman is all, "I guess you are kind of competent without any super powers. Hmph. Imagine that." Then he leaves Clark behind so that Clark can help Janice and her friends.

But then Janice stabs him in the stomach because Xa-du hypno-impulsed her.

Everything changes? So the writing will be good?

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 Rating: This one ends with yet another villain pointing out that people ultimately hate and fear super heroes. I'm so fucking tired of that mantra. The whole point of super hero stories is to feel inspired and uplifted! Who are these writers who believe that Superman is actually reviled instead of loved? It's tired, idiotic bullshit. And why is Xa-du so fucking powerful? He lost the tech which lets him leave the Phantom Zone but he can still see everything that happens? I could buy (barely) that he somehow had the ability to slightly influence horrible people to kill Clark Kent. I'll even buy into the premise that it somehow affected these few criminals so much that they went out and treated it like a paid hit. But I won't accept that Xa-du has the ability to spy on Clark from the Phantom Zone with his crippled technology, that he was able to see and understand that Superman lost his powers when he used his brand new super power, and was able to perceive the person standing next to Clark and manipulate that person into stabbing him. All while from inside the Phantom Zone. I also don't think Xa-du knows what he's talking about anyway when he calls Bane, Killer Croc, and Cheshire his "most lethal champions." There are far better that could have killed Clark Kent. And the ones he chose? If Superman hadn't lost his powers? They would have been absolutely useless! So why even bother?

Ugh. Greg Pak, you seriously need to try harder. You're coming up with themes that work but then doing a half-assed job turning them into a story. So here you wanted a powerless Clark to be able to prove to Batman that he could handle himself against Batman's enemies. That's actually an interesting kernel for a story. But the thing that kernel turned into? It's a mess! It's not an Ann Nocenti level mess but it still comes across as sloppy because the characters are just cardboard cutouts to move the plot along. I suppose if I wanted to defend you, I could say mind control explains it all. But then I have to believe that Xa-du has this kind of power from within the Phantom Zone even after losing half of his brain? I don't even want to believe that Xa-du exists!

Batman Eternal #27

Catwoman's grip is a little too high.

I forget who the new, crazy receptionist is over at Arkham Asylum but she doesn't know how to use a chair. Which is a good thing because she's super sexy sitting on the floor with her business casual skuit (is that the proper name for a skirt suit?) that she shrunk in the laundry. Unless she's wearing a Halloween costume: Sexy Receptionist! I hope Batman fights her later. In a hot tub.

Underneath Arkham are some strange looking inmates that are probably trying to escape from The Joker's Daughter and/or Maxie Zeus's reign of insanity. Oh, I should have said "insane reign!"

These inmates are Coughtopus, The Rude Dinner Guest, and Speckles.

Killer Croc meets up with these inmates and mentions that they have something called "the black-infection." That sounds an awful lot like the reason my racist cousin-in-law gave for selling his house.

I don't use the term racist incorrectly, I don't think. If not racist, what would be the correct term for a person living in a suburban, cul-de-sac neighborhood with dozens of identical houses who sells their house at a loss when a black family moves in nearby? I suppose you could call him a reverse house flipper?

Batgirl, having discovered that her father was still in Blackgate even though she brought evidence that would exonerate him all the way back from South America, has decided that she needs to speak with Commissioner Jason Bard. I don't use the term speak incorrectly, I don't think! Speak means to pummel somebody to within an inch of their lives while they scream in agony, right?

Batman and Catwoman are fighting gangs together for some reason. They must have just met up by accident and Batman decided he needed Catwoman's help more than he needed to lecture her.

Catwoman can handle "most" anything thrown at her? Most? But not all? I think Batman just alluded to Catwoman not being able to handle his cock.

I also don't think Catwoman would have thought pole dancing classes were "a bitch." Is she saying that stripping is harder work than climbing buildings, running around rooftops, sneaking into museums, fighting maniacs, and flirting with Batman? Ridiculous.

Later at Gotham Child Services, there is a revelation that perhaps was revelated earlier but I missed it. Jade, the girl that Killer Croc has been trying to bring back into his people's fold, is a McKillabody. That means she's related to the new Two-Face!

Oh wait! I spoke too soon. Batman has decided Catwoman needs a lecture!

Batman is going to be so angry when Catwoman is finally running Gotham!

Batman, being a gigantic idiot, needs to believe that Catwoman is ultimately a good person who will wait for him until he's ready to settle down and have a Robin with her. But why would Catwoman want to be with a man who only wants her when she acts the way he needs her to act? Batman may be able, one day, to control Gotham so that everybody feels safe. But Catwoman isn't his fucking city.

I really want a monthly title called Batman Loves Catwoman where she has all the power because she just likes fucking him but he's completely in love with her and desperately trying to get her to change her ways. I want a Batman/Catwoman comic that shows Batman doesn't get everything he wants.

Or just continue to have Selina pining for a Batman that isn't emotionally dead inside.

Why is Catwoman bringing home a stray cat? Oh! It's CAT-woman! Not CATWO-man! Goddammit, Ann Nocenti! You've had the character wrong all this time!

Killer Croc realizes Dragos Ibanescu now has Jade McKillagain so he's hunting him. Meanwhile, Dragos has partnered with Mr. Boner to use Jade to lure Catwoman to them because they both want Catwoman dead. That means Dragos and Mr. Boner are probably going to be in the hospital soon and Catwoman will be taking most of their business for herself.

Penny-Two has yet to learn to keep her mouth shut when it comes to Catwoman the way Penny-One has, so she keeps asking Batman intensely personal questions that Batman thought he'd never have to answer again once he got all of the women out of his life. Why do women need to know so many details all of the time?! Can't they be happy with the still waters of a man's expression that give no indication of what he's feeling or thinking or if he's even alive? Why isn't a grunt enough of an answer whenever they ask how a man's day went? Jesus. Do men actually need to participate in relationships?! That's asking way too much.

To keep from answering questions about his relationship (which isn't really a relationship!) with Catwoman, Batman nearly kills a man named Flamingo by forcing him to crash his motorcycle. Even if Flamingo had died from his injuries, it wouldn't have been Batman's fault since Spoiler set up the entire thing just to leave a secret note to Batman.

I first read that as #buttwrecker.

The issue finishes up with Batgirl dropping Jason Bard from a great height (because you can't go wrong with a person falling to their deaths cliffhanger!) and Catwoman about to get a taste of the bat's boner. I mean, Mr. Boner's bat!

Batman Eternal #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was better this issue although Catwoman's butt was wrecked in a few panels. #buttwrecker

Batman Eternal #20

Last issue, we discovered that Brainiac was behind the framing of Jim Gordon. Also, The Spectre's gang were busy invading Terrifitech while Batgirl, Red Hood, and Batwoman were infiltrating Cadmus Island. Lois Lane and Vicki Vale were investigating people that just wanted to be left alone so that they could advance their careers at the expense of the privacy of others. And I think Alfred might have been behind the recent uptick in Icarus use. I think I might also be reading too many comic books.

This is Batgirl remembering that criminals are a cowardly lot and taking on the role of the scary half of her name. Hmm, that joke is too obvious and sexist to finish. And if there's one thing I can't stand being called, it's obvious.

Beneath Gotham, the Ten-Eyed Man stands around pointing his fingers at things and raving like anybody else that had their optic nerves rewired to their fingertips. Where did the surgeon get the extra optic cabling to cover that distance? Monoprice.com? The Ten-Eyed Man's entire plan is to sacrifice Killer Croc's young friend to open a portal so that he can see the face of something or other. I guess having eyes at the ends of each of your fingers isn't exactly a power that makes you a threat to anybody, so he had to be given some kind of mystic hoodoo power. Once Batman stops the ritual by keeping Jade from entering the portal, the entire cavern begins to collapse. Because if it didn't, how else do you play out the denouement of a failed evil ritual? At this point, nobody would believe the ritual was interrupted if things didn't begin to collapse. I'm glad every time I stop doing a chore halfway through because I don't want to spend any more time on it, my apartment doesn't fall in on itself. Buildings and caverns are so sensitive in fiction!

Batman, Jason Bard, and Killer Croc escape the collapsing cave but leave the Ten-Eyed Man because fuck that freak. He's better off dead! And Batman doesn't have a responsibility to save everybody from death. He's just not allowed to kill them. And by "kill them," I mean they can't die immediately after having been struck by Batman, or at least not until Batman has turned his back on them while they were still breathing.

Now I'm just blatantly repeating myself from past commentaries. But there's only so much one person can write! I think I've used all the words I know. Maybe I should read a dictionary next.

My output on Blogspot for the past few years. Keep in mind, these are all entries personally written by me and not reblogs of funny kitten videos. The first years were before I knew what to do with the blog since I only created it because I came up with the Best Blog Name Ever (according to Doomkopf.com).

Doomkopf.com is the second website I've plugged this commentary and I'm not making any ad revenue! Besides "obvious," I apparently also don't like to be described as "successful."

Did you remember there was a riot breaking out all over Blackgate penitentiary which I thought was Blackgate Prison but I guess I was wrong or something? Harper's father is doing his best to convince delicious, creamy Warden Zorbatos that she should let him escape. Jim Gordon is trying to stop the riot all by himself. And Gordon's cellmate, Leo, is shaving off his beard. Is that because he's going to reveal his secret identity and that he's the mastermind of the entire riot, Rex Calabrese?!

These inmates are smarter than I am! I would have just said, "What the fuck is happening?! G-g-g-g-ghosts!"

Down in the jungle, Doctor Falsario has been murdered. And just when Batgirl was going to bring him in and expose the frame up job on her father! Also just when Leo was singing "in the jungle" because maybe he had something to do with it! Or he might just have been singing that because it's about a lion sleeping and his name is Leo and he was putting on lion's teeth because the lion was finally waking up which is the part of the song that nobody ever hears. But it's pretty metal!

Who????

That last caption was a joke for one single person!

Rex Calabrese is the most terrifying villain Batman has ever gone up against! A paunchy old man with dentures, bad contact lenses, and a horrible lion tattoo on his chest! How will The Jeezly Crow Batman ever defeat him? Although at least Rex chose a lion for his name. That's a whole lot scarier than a stupid bat. Although not that much scarier. All they do is lie around sleeping in the jungle!

Here's a fun fact! Lions don't actually live in jungles!

Isn't Barbara already grown up?

Back in South America, thanks to Batgirl's interference, a bunch of kids are out of a job! Doctor Falsario's knock-off super hero action figure warehouse is closed for good and a bunch of families aren't going to have enough money to eat this month. Nice one, Jerkogirl!

At least Batwoman discovered enough evidence to clear Commissioner Gordon. As long as the legal system in comic books is different than our legal system which probably wouldn't give a shit about this new evidence since the district attorney and the police behind the apprehension of Jim Gordon already have a win on the books and why fuck that up with new evidence from a country that doesn't even speak English!

And you know who we haven't seen much of lately? Spoiler! I mean, Stephanie Brown!

Good thing I'm not a critic so I can spoil all I want! I'm just a guy having a conversation with himself where everybody can sit and stare and watch me mumble incoherently.

Batman Eternal #20 Rating: No change. I hope that wasn't a crack at me and what I do, Scott Snyder and Tim Seeley and company! I may be an idiot with a keyboard but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself a professional idiot with a keyboard! I'm not just some shitty run of the mill review site like COMICSVERSE! I put effort into my scathing, humiliating commentaries about Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina! It takes time to craft such perfectly penned insults! If I ever meet you at a convention, Tim Seeley, I'm going to look you right in the face and say, "Who are you?" Then when you say, "Tim Seeley," I'm going to say, "Oh, really? Would you sign this copy of Batman Eternal #20? And could you make it out to 'Your pal, the idiot with the keyboard'?"

Batman Eternal #18

The issue begins with some kid in Brazil upset about his job making Batman action figures. He's got such a piss poor attitude that his manager doesn't know what to do with him anymore. The only way to get the kid to work is to threaten him with violence which I'm sure the manager doesn't want to do but what are his other choices? He's paying good money to this kid to be an important chain in the link to getting Batman action figures into the hands of collectors for $29.95 a pop. The kid should be grateful to even have a job. Job creators are the most generous, noble, honorable people on the face of the Earth, especially when they have to deal with such a lazy, ungrateful, greedy, selfish work force. If this kid doesn't want to make action figures, why doesn't he find a job that he loves? When you find a job you love, you're never really working! I think I saw that on a poster somewhere.

The boy's manager is set upon by a group of communist socialist pinko rats named Batmangirl, Batmanwoman, and Red Hood. See? "Red" Hood? Total communist. They're destroying business with lawful interference! If you know how to run a business better, you should start your own and do it your way. If this kid likes your way better, he can get a job with you! But don't come down on this job creator simply because you don't like the way he does business, fairly and equitably. Don't these communists know that the free market is the only way to ensure fairness for everyone? Instituting laws to force businesses to not use guns to threaten their employees hurts companies, destroys incentive, and cripples competition.

Actually, the Bat People are just hear hunting down Batmangirl's lead on the guy that helped frame her...I mean, Barbara Gordon's father. Helping this kid get out of work is just incidental.

Rip her weave off, Batmangirl!

I know I'm not the generally accepted King of Language but I order everybody to stop using the phrase "not so much." And don't you dare use that phrase in your response to me about not stopping using the phrase "not so much!" Oh, that'll get me so mad!

Back in Gotham City, Batmanman, a true capitalist, has a discussion with one of his top employees about his top employee's daughter. Being British, and thus completely communist, she doesn't understand Alfred's pleasure in doing all the work for a rich capitalist bastard that should be giving his money to non-working members of the lower classes instead of spending it on loose cars and looser women. Is that how the saying goes? Fuck it, I'm the King of Language. I decree that's now how the saying goes. Anyway, Alfred doesn't realize just how deep the communist tendencies run in his own daughter.

She's a downright anarchist! What are people going to do, Missy, when you've burned up all the rulebooks along with your bras? How will they know how to treat other people, or how to get along, or what to do with themselves if they don't have a guidebook explicitly telling them how to be a decent human being? You wipe the rulebooks clean, you may as well wipe away the bloody human race while you're at it! Do you think civilization exists because everybody just does as they please?

Fox has a new show starting up sometime that isn't Gotham so I won't be watching it. It's called Utopia. Essentially, the idea is to film a bunch of people that were cast because they were pushy assholes and they're going to try to force their opinions on everybody else as they begin a community of twenty or so members from different walks of life. Can you imagine if it turned out the people simply lived peacefully together without forcing their beliefs on any of the other people of the community? It would be a disaster! You can't have examples of anarchists living successfully in a community and then show it to a democratic capitalist republic! You might get them believing there's a better way to live their lives and then all hell will break loose! People will quit the jobs job creators worked so hard to create for them! They'll leave loveless marriages, thus breaking the sanctity of the most important act in civilization, not to mention destroying their one chance at happiness as they walk away from their one soul mate! Children might realize that learning doesn't equate to government sanctioned education and start picking and choosing things they want to learn down at the library, a haven for the most communist-minded people in our great country.

Fox, you are treading dangerous ground with this show, Utopia. Although I'm sure the executives have seen enough Big Brother to know that people just can't live in close proximity without instantly judging every other person as lazy, shiftless, and self-indulgent, backstabbing liars. It's what makes capitalism so great! You don't look on the other people of a community and see yourself! That would make you want to take care of the people in your community (see "communist")! What makes capitalism so great is that you look on everybody else as an "other" that's trying to get away with working as little as possible while you bear your cross of hardworking steadfastness. And, of course, nobody wants to do all the work for a bunch of lazy dicks, so you invariably have to work down to the lowest common denominator. Unless you're an entrepreneur! And then you find a way to manipulate the system, thereby getting everybody to work for you while you collect all the cash!

Come on, Croc. There are laws against living in the sewers. Perhaps you can find an honest job at McDonalds, get set up with a small apartment in The Narrows, follow the rules. Have you ever even tried to just fit in?

Batmanman and Jason Bard have just found a man with his face bitten off and lying in the sewers. It was obviously Killer Croc but Killer Croc tries to deny it. Look, Croc. The evidence says this man's face was bitten off. You have a mouth capable of biting a guy's face off. You live in the sewers. This man was found in the sewers. A cop has a gut feeling that you're behind it. You're behind it. It's just the way the system works and, because the system works, you've just been nailed, you cannibal!

I just walked you through the steps of good police work, Croc! Do we need to go over it again? You're obviously guilty!

Luckily for Killer Croc, Batmanman finds evidence that somebody else was behind the face eating. Although that doesn't exonerate Waylon Jones completely! The police are still watching you, buddy boy!

Meanwhile in prison, Jim Gordon finds out the most dangerous thing about being in prison: the flow of ideas. People have an awful long time to think while in prison. And sometimes you wind up in a cell with a guy that's thought it all through so that he can convince scared, lonely newbies of some really dangerous ideas.

Communist talk! It's all a bunch of socialist hogwash! Too bad Gordon didn't get Rex Calabrese as a cellmate. Now that's an upstanding capitalist citizen with his belief in survival of the fittest! As opposed to this namby-pamby "we're all equal brothers and sisters under the same sun" bullshit.

Batman and Jason Bard stop fighting with Killer Croc and accept him as their guide through the sewers. Batman seems to know who or what he's looking for as they try to find the kidnapped "Jade." That's all they know about the person that went missing: a name. But somebody had their face bitten off and that's something Batmanman won't stand for.

Well they must not care about themselves if they're not helping themselves. So why should anybody care about them? Apparently if you help people in need, you're actually hurting them by taking away their individuality and their self-reliance. A true hero of capitalism once said something like that! I think she wrote hundreds of pages saying basically just this: "charity is harmful." TO THE POCKETBOOK! Ay-yo! That was a capitalist joke. If you didn't find it funny, you might be a communist.

I should begin an entire stand-up career where the punch line of every joke is "you might be a communist." Except I'd probably get sued by that redneck guy. And rightly so! Everything has a monetary value associated with it and if somebody can prove that they thought up an idea or coined a phrase or put three or four words together in an order that nobody else has before (or other people have many, many, many times but failed to see the monetary potential behind the words in that order so they didn't trademark them), they deserve to be compensated when somebody else uses their intellectual property. So if I ever hear anybody that doesn't like to swear so they generally spell out their swears say, "Eat S-H-I-T!", I'm suing their fucking asses off!

Meanwhile in Brazil Batmangirl, Batmanwoman, and Red Hood infiltrate the toy factory. Red Hood hates capitalism so he wants to put a few bullets in a few job creators' heads. He seems to think "work" equals "enslavement." These kids have a choice in any number of sweat shops in Brazil. The owner of this one can't be blamed if his employees don't like the pay or the conditions. They always have the choice of leaving and finding work better suited to them. Just like Red Hood did! He didn't like working for Batmanman because there were too many non-killing related rules, so he started his own business! He should know better.

Red Hood has a pleasant little speech in which he explains to Batmanwoman why Batmangirl has always been so much better than every single Robin that ever fought at Batmanman's side. He says it's not just because she's smarter or more physically talented (although that's exactly what it is. The reason he says is the actual reason, which I'll explain after this parenthetical reference, is just bullshit) but because she's not fighting for revenge. She's fighting for her father. He points out that her mother left her and her brother's a psychopath and that she's entirely loyal to her father. In other words, he's basically giving Batmanwoman enough information to figure out Batmangirl's secret identity. Oh wait! That part wasn't the bullshit. I think Batmangirl does fight hard to help keep her father safe. But Red Hood also points out that the other Robin's were fighting for revenge.

Really, Red Hood? Jason Todd is dumber than I thought if this is what he believes. Although it does help explain his attitude toward, well, pretty much everything. Nightwing began his career as Robin to help bring his parents' murderer to justice. But the fight has never been about revenge for him at all. And Tim Drake was the same way (although he's not included here because he's not a Robin). He doesn't include Damian either but that kid is into being Robin for some really fucking sick reasons, so I can see why Jason would leave him out. The only person that might actually still be running around in a costume because of revenge is Batmanman! That's probably why Red Hood and Batmanman butt heads so much.

Anyway, that was all a bunch of stupid, trite philosophical crap that I made a complete mess of while trying to explain. It had nothing to do with capitalism or communism or living properly by following the rules, so I don't know why I mentioned it. What I should have been mentioning was how Batmangirl was mind-controlled, Spyral-style, by the owner of the factory and the man they came looking for. He forces her to turn on Red Hood and Batmanwoman, although that battle won't happen this month because the comic book is over. Although can you really mind-control somebody to do your will by giving them instructions in a language they can't understand?

Batman Eternal #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. Good comic book, yada yada blah blah blah. The owner of this toy factory is in big trouble because one of his bootleg toys is Red Hood. And even communists get a bit testy when you're making money off of their identity. Although you can't really sue a company for stealing your image when you refuse to identify your legal persona. But that only encourages Red Hood to skip the courts and reach straight for the box of ammunition.

Finally, those ads for Multiversity? The ones that say, "Do not buy this book"? Come on! You can't be serious, right, advertisement? You cannot tell me not to buy a book and then show me Captain Carrot on the cover of that book and expect me to take you seriously. You obviously secretly want me to buy that book or else you wouldn't have put Captain Carrot on the cover!

Arkham War #5

This is the last comic book I read that has "unleashed" on the cover! I really mean it this time! Come up with a new word, DC!

Okay, DC! I've done the difficult research for you by consulting Lord Google. Here are some other ways this cover could have gone!

"DISGUST DISCHARGED!"
"LOATHING LET LOOSE!"
"FRIGHT FREED!"
"REPUGNANCE RELEASED!"
"CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

Okay, maybe "unleashed" is the most viable which is why you overuse it. But I'm quite partial to "CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

In previous installments, Bane had disclosed hostilities on Gotham City which was currently overrun by deranged escapees from Arkham. That's probably why the comic book is called Arkham War. The regular citizens of Gotham are currently just trying to survive. Just like every other day in Gotham! Except most days nobody winds up in rowboats being sent out of the city by Jim Gordon and Agatha Greeksurnameopolis. Most days also don't involve Talons murdering the life out of everybody. Sure, some days have ended that way! But it's still fairly unusual. Not the kind of day you want to get caught outside without your full Kevlar body suit.

Bane loves going out in this weather.

Bane quickly finds himself in a full Talon downpour while William Cobb (the only Talon loyal to Bane) heads off on a super secret mission of secrecy. Bane is just the distraction because he can survive an assault of seven or so Talons. Or so he thinks! Batman survived being attacked by even more than that although he had help from Alfred. Alfred's help is probably worth four Talons alone. All Bane has is his ego and piles of dead soldiers to not fight beside him.

I'm not sure how you're supposed to defeat Bane but I am almost certain the secret is not anal beads.

As Bane keeps the Talons busy, Cobb returns from above, swinging down on a huge chopper blade to slice all the talons in twain. And since Talons don't die, Cobb is allowed a quiet moment to explain to them that they will soon regenerate right past the Scarecrow's mind control grip on them. I suppose they'll decide to follow Cobb back into battle. But I believe the Arkhamites still have one Talon in Henry Ballard! I don't really remember anything about that Talon but I'm pretty sure he wasn't present for Cobb's cutting party.

Back in Arkham, Scarecrow is thinking about contingency plans since controlling the Talons was never a sure part of the plan. His back-up plan was to get a sample of Bane's Venom to use against him. It seems that each and every Arkham escapee involved in the war is going to take a dose of the venom.

This is going to wind up a lot like the first horrible story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight.

Nobody here wants to use the Venom because that junk is crazy shitballs. So they refuse to drink. Too bad Crane wasn't using the wine as a delivery system. Instead, he piped the Venom into the room in gaseous form. So everybody is fucked. At least nobody took if voluntarily in this comic book! I still don't know what the fuck was up with all of the residents of Arkham tainted by Venom in Finch's initial story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight. That shit was so fucking awful. It may have been the worst end to any of The New 52's first issues when Venomized Two-Face appears and claims that he is now One-Face! What the fuck did that even fucking mean?! In a way, I kind of miss a lot of that amateur shit that was going down in the first year of The New 52! It's much harder to make fun of comics when I have to constantly lie and purposefully misunderstand the plot to find even a smidgen of humor for my commentaries.

At least the cover makes sense now! Even if it basically spoiled the final page.

Arkham War #5 Rating: No change. Another issue that felt like not much happened. Although I guess a lot did. Jim and Agatha are rescuing people. Bane defeated the Talons. The Scarecrow turned all of his allies into muscular brainless monsters. Hmm. That's it. So three things happened. And three things is not a lot. So I guess I was wrong when I guessed a lot happened. Never mind.

Arkham War #3

I initially read this cover as "Frog Hunt." And then I read it again and giggled because it says "Craw Cunt."

I believe titling your comic book "Croc Hunt" is far worse than drawing a penis in Lobo's arm muscles! Who will be fired for this outrageous use of sneaky-minded rules breaking?! Also, why is Bane wrestling a green Venom?

Last issue, the cover told me the Talon would rise. But not one Talon rose of its own volition. A bunch of them sort of dangled from the claws of Man-bats stealing their frozen bodies from Blackgate. So I suppose they "rose" up into the sky. Not exactly the excitement I was expecting by the cover. It's a good thing I understand comic book covers and the outrageous lies they tell every single month and wasn't at all disappointed. I was actually quite pleased because I'm sick to death of fucking Talons and hope they all get killed off in this comic book. I'm hoping that Arkham War was conceived mainly to end the problem of having all of these super dangerous immortal zombie assassins waiting to be unfrozen. Batman couldn't kill them. But the Arkham Crazy Time Players can!

Also, the besterest Interim Blackgate Warden ever to grace the pages of a DC Comic Book, Agatha Greeklastnameopolis, was rescued from the prison by James Gordon, hero! She's my favorite character after all the other characters I've listed as my favorite. I think she ranks somewhere between 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Alysia Yeoh.

CROC HUNT!

Whoa! Calm down, fucker! Think about what you're doing for a second!

Everyone understands that Bane is a problem, Mad Hatter. But he's just one problem. One problem that you can understand because you can see what his goals and his motivations are. Is it really a good idea to let loose seven Talons on Gotham in the hopes that you can somehow control them and get them to kill Bane? This feels like setting the house on fire just to take care of a squirrel in the attic. Maybe a better analogy is letting seven raving maniacal murderers free in your house to tidy up a bit.

I just don't see anything good happening from this plan.

Crane and Langstrom were captured by Bane at the end of last issue but they've been rescued by Killer Croc at the beginning of this issue. That was all part of the plan! And for his part in kidnapping the Talons, Johnny Crane rewards Croc with Wayne Tower. I don't know how Scarecrow negotiated that great piece of Gotham Realty when Penguin divvied everything up. He must know some pretty juicy secrets that The Penguin doesn't want to get out.

Meanwhile Bane makes good on his deal with The Penguin.

Emperor Blackgate? More like Emperor Bit Off More Than He Could Chew...umm...gate!

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites don't fear him and that they're all saying, "He's no Batman." But then, those crazy assholes don't fear Batman either, do they? If they really did fear Batman, they wouldn't keep coming back to Gotham to commit their crime sprees, would they? Unless none of them really see the difference between fear and love? Because they all seem to have some kind of a warm spot in their crotch region for Bat-Abuse.

Whatever their feelings toward Batman, Bane decides it's time to use it to his advantage.

So when does DC release the Cosplaying Bane Action Figure?

Bane's first act as Batbane is to throw Killer Croc from the roof of Wayne Tower. That's a pretty fucked up first move. Poor Killer Croc. He was completely set up by The Scarecrow. Killer Croc was nice and safe and cozy underground until The Scarecrow lured him into Wayne Tower and convinced him he should set up shop above ground. That only left Croc exposed to Bane while the others took to Croc's sewers to set up shop with their Talons. With everybody using everybody else in this War, I'm beginning to suspect the Talons are going to win once they're revived. The Talons may not even need to be revived with all the back stabbing going on!

Arkham War #3 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Warden Agatha wasn't in this issue. I guess there are just so many characters that can be spotlighted in any one issue of this thing. Arkham War shouldn't have been released as a comic book. It should be a Board Game! Or Video Game for those of us that don't have any friends.

Killer Croc #1

I'm pretty sure Waylon is vomiting those bones into the air. And I can just hear the sound he made. You know that sound? The one you make when you vomit and the vomit catches you by surprise and comes exploding out of your mouth with a kind of ratchety raspy croak?

I wish I could remember a time I looked forward to reading comic books. Now it's just work. Especially since I've run out of funny things to say. Oh well. Back to the coal mine with Killer Croc. *sigh*

Killer Croc begins by defining a word as if I were some dumb bloke that didn't know what "atavastacism" meant! When did Waylon Jones get so smart that he thought he would act better than me using big words. I know better! He's just a big dumb thug! He probably received that word in his email today from Merriam-Webster.com's Word of the Day email self-improvement program. The Word of Today is "lucubration." That's an abrasion you get when you stumble after cheering because you won some money in the lottery.

When did Waylon Jones become better at languaging than me?!

If a great big stupid drop out like Waylon Jones is beginning to sound like a Modern Day Mickey Dolenz compared to me, I've got a problem! I'd better bone up on the books! I think reading nothing but comical books is rotting my think organ. Just a second while I sign up for the Merriam-Webster Sound Pretentious One Word at a Time Email Course. I don't really have time to read every email they send me though so I'll probably just read the word and guess at what it must mean. Then I'll use it all day with my made up meaning and see if anybody notices. Okay! I signed up via Twitter. Wow! Education is easy! I can't believe so many young people are whining about their enormous debts from college. I just signed up for a daily class for free! Ha ha! Who's the stupid person now?!

I can't believe DC is sexualizing this little boy. See? He's naked in a tub which automatically means he's being sexualized. Disgusting.

I don't know about how sexy the boy is in the previous panel because I'm not a weirdo pedophile that likes lizard boys. But man is his aunt sexy! I'd let her scrub me with a gigantic piece of coral! Or pink kryptonite! Or her vagina! I haven't declared a new favorite character in quite some time so I'm going to do that now! Auntie Flowers is the best character DC has created so far! I can't wait until Birds of Prey gets a new roster with Auntie Flowers, Tig the Vampire, Alysia Yeoh, Sleen (Captain K'rot's Raccoon/Kitten friend) and Ferdie. Holy shit that comic book would give me a lucubration!

Too bad that scene was from twenty-six years ago. That probably would put Auntie Flowers in her forties which might not make her a very popular hero according to DC's stupid managing editors that make stupid decisions all of the time and really don't know what sells. If they knew what would sell, they'd call themselves Marvel Comics with Batman! I think a black woman in her mid-forties would make for an awesome team leader. She could probably kick Black Canary's ass.

This issue is written by Tim Seeley and I'm not sure he's every read a Killer Croc story in his entire life! Why else would Killer Croc sound like he just walked out of a college course on not speaking like a drop out thug flunky? Killer Croc is really pissin' me off with his eloquence and his not droppin' letters! Fuck you, Killer Croc! You can't fool me! You're a stupid sewer poop face that doesn't know words and things. You probably found a dictionary floating in some feces and now you're trying to better yourself. Well stop it. Everybody knows better. You're just a dumb monster!

Back to Killer Croc's time spent not learning anything, he wrestled Alligators (I can tell it's an alligator he's wrestling because it's name is "Al!") during a sideshow rock festival. But that ended when he didn't get paid enough. So he decided to rob jewelry stores in Gotham. But that didn't pay off because of The Goddamned Batman. And his annoying sidekick!

Jason Todd should really be worrying about his own flaws!

Some Gotham City Police Guys have been wandering the sewers looking for something that they lost that will get them in big trouble if they can't find it. But they're in Killer Croc's home now and he makes them pay for trespassing. Killer Croc kills all but two of them and then his followers show up. It looks like Killer Croc has an Underworld Kingdom just like all the assholes in Ann Nocenti's comic books! But at least Killer Croc's tribe lives in actual sewers and not some fantasy kingdom. And they look like people living off the street instead of High-tech Survivalists or Baron von Flamehead Cultists and Goat Ranchers.

Killer Croc was leading other were-creatures down in the sewers so I'm going to just pretend that these followers of his are more of them. I wouldn't want the Killer Croc stories from Batwoman to be erased from Canon. I'm not saying they are although I've read different! I just know I'm going to believe them for as long as I'm able and the comic books actually tell me something different.

The last two dirty cops find what they've been looking for: a key on a good cop they killed a few days earlier. But it's a little bit of a trap.

And I'm glad it was because it set up this panel which I simply adore!

It turns out Waylon is busy killing all of these crooked cops because of the man they killed. The man was a caring adult friend of Waylon's when he was a young child. And he was always there with ice cream when that fucking spooky ass Shauna would make fun of him because shit rolls downhill and she had to find the only person that was being teased more than she was. It's also interesting to think that the Ventriloquist is in her thirties.

Hey! Your Auntie Flowers wanted nothing but the best for you! You should respect her word instead of this weirdo pedophile that likes lizard boys!

Killer Croc holds a funeral for his dead one-armed friend and says some words that are probably inspiring but I'm not listening to him anymore! I'm bitter and angry that Killer Croc is being portrayed as smarter than I am! First Clayface proves he's smarter than me! And now this? It's untolerable!

Killer Croc #1 Rating: This was a pretty good story although Killer Croc's voice was nothing like Killer Croc's voice in Batwoman because his character was much better over in Batwoman. He was more vulnerable in his desperation and his average intelligence. And he didn't make me feel stupid! I wonder if maybe it's not him that's making me feel stupid but my being stupid that's making me feel stupid? OH SNAPS!