Batman #33

This is less like a finale and more like a fine ale. Or something.

This is the end! The end of our story! This is the end! The high-priced extra dollar end of our story!

This final issue comes down to a personal battle of wits between Batman and The Riddler. Batman must answer twelve riddles where the answers will be things like "Scorpion!" and "A goat!" and "Green Arrow!" If he answers them all correctly before Gotham is blown to bat-pieces, he'll get to punch The Riddler in the face. But I think Gotham will still be blown to pieces. So the only difference in answering the riddles is the satisfaction of breaking The Riddler's eye sockets. Gotham City must rely on the police commissioner and an inventor and a handful of black ops military men to save it now. But when has that ever been enough? I tell you when! Never, that's when! Gotham needs the Batman!

This paragraph is in invisible ink that can't be read by Batmen because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but here's the truth: Gotham City doesn't really need Batman at all! What it really needs is a good bombing! Barring a good bombing, it could probably make due with an aquatic super hero who's also a writer. He could write scathing articles about the corruption on the police force while stopping all the illegal weapons and drugs from entering Gotham through the harbor. Of course, being a water super hero, he'd have to make sure the Gotham airport was shut down and the train tunnels filled in. And I say "he" because I really mean Grunion Guy! Give a guy a chance, okay, DC Comics?

Anyway, on to the most important part of this issue, the Game of Riddles!

The answer to The Riddler's first riddle is "louse." I could be The Jeezly Crow Batman!

That one was easy! House without the "H," lies without the "ies," stitched together to become "louse." I haven't read Batman's explanation yet but I did see he said louse on the next page. After coming up with it myself, of course! I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all! Okay, so that doesn't translate to Master Riddle Answerer but it's close enough. I solved the DC Challenge after the first issue! Although none of the other writers solved it so it didn't resolve the way it should have and my solution became null and void since the other writers of the series were idiots!

Also, I probably only solved this riddle because it was wordplay. If I am The Batman and The Riddler asks a riddle that forces me to think around a corner, Gotham is dead.

I see Batman discovered the riddle had more clues pointing to the answer plus Eddie dropped a further hint before even asking the Riddle. So many clues to come up with one answer? The Riddler must be calibrating The Batman's ability with the first question.

How am I supposed to play along at home if Batman keeps interrupting?! Jerko!

Batman must have trained under a Grandmaster Riddler Asker on his travels around the world to become the best at everything because I certainly wouldn't have jumped to the "bee" conclusion so soon! I was leaning toward a baseball game! But that's because I can only answer riddles generally asked by third graders. Here's a horrendous riddle I heard in fifth grade that I remember because I didn't fucking get it: "Why can't The Go-Go's get pregnant? Because their lips are sealed." I just thought that it meant they couldn't get married because they couldn't say "I do" or answer "yes" to a proposal which meant they could never get pregnant because that kind of thing doesn't happen out of wedlock! I bet the kid that asked me the riddle didn't actually understand it either. I also didn't know what boner was slang for, so there were some other jokes I didn't understand.

The Go-Gos?

Does the answer to this riddle have something to do with the incorrect way he phrased it? "My greatest of my strengths"? Is that a hint? Shouldn't he give more hints?! His first riddle had a dozen clues! This one has two lines? The only thing that knows its own worth is the brain. But how does it hug itself tightly at every birth? Because it's squished coming out of the birth canal? Maybe the answer is a kitten! Kittens surely know their own worth! And they're always getting hugs! Practically all the time!

See?! That's a clue, right? It's kittens!

Unless the clue part of that statement is the tongue part! Maybe the answer is a French kiss! Or a scream! Or a philosophical statement denoting the pain and ecstasy of sentient life?

I guess that's the end of the riddle game!

Like Alexander the Great and WOPR, Batman realizes the only way to win the game is to not play it at all. It looks like Lucius figured out a way to jam The Riddler's robot bodyguards leaving Batman free to break some bones. "Riddle me this, Riddler? How many broken bones can a human have while still remaining alive? Let's find out the answer together! ONE! TWO! CRUNCH!"

Meanwhile Jim Gordon grabs a reflective surface, paints a bat on it, and then uses it to try to blind the fighter pilots so they crash before releasing their bombs. The pilots aren't blinded but they do notice the bat painted on it and decide to stand by for new orders while the officers back at the base try to figure out what it could mean.

Once The Riddler has been curbstomped by Batman, Batman has to reboot the city by sticking some doohickey on his chest and sucking down 1000 volts of voltage. At the same time, he's having a memory of going through electroshock therapy. Is that something that was touched upon earlier in the story that I've forgotten? Are we about to learn that Batman's entire existence was just a sanitarium dream, like in that episode of Buffy or, years previous to that, the issue of Doom Patrol where Crazy Jane is stuck in an asylum hallucinating the Doom Patrol and the Kingdom of Chairs? Is DC Comics going to retire Batman completely here and show that he's always just been a nobody inmate in Arkham Asylum?! Will DC destroy its cash cow for the sake of one story?!

I think I should probably just keep reading to find out why Bruce decided to go through electroshock therapy!

But first, Alfred needs to save his life.

I'm glad Alfred was smart enough to know that you don't start a stopped heart with the defibrillators that Batman used to stop his heart! You restart a heart with CPR! I mean, of course Alfred knows that! What kind of a genius battlefield surgeon would he be if he relied on television medicine?

Oh, and Gotham never gets bombed. Even though Bruce could have made a shit-ton of money helping to rebuild! That's an opportunity squandered. Anyway, everybody gets around to rebuilding after Bruce Wayne says some really inspiring things and hires Lucius Fox to help run Wayne Enterprises and makes friends with the new Commissioner. Gotham is about to go through a renaissance and not be plagued by horrible madmen at all! And all it took was one small death wish and a whole lot of elbow grease!

I hope the electro-booted Bruce and his fake Alfred exist on one of the other Earths.

Lastly there's a bit about Alfred's dreams being crushed under the heavy heel of The Batman, and thus begins, well, you know.

Batman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue is the perfect issue to jump on board if you don't know anything about The Jeezly Crow Batman! What's that? What about the "finale" right there on the cover? You're afraid you won't understand it and you'll need to read the previous five hundred issues of Zero Year? No! Don't worry about that. All you need to know is right here in this issue! Everything from Bruce's realization that he needs to realize stuff to Alfred's codependent beginnings to Jim Gordon's coat's origin to Lucius Fox's raise to the importance of the Batcave's giant penny to even more declarative statements separated by the preposition "to." It's a cavalcade of cavalcadian proportions! Although the one thing that won't be explained is the cover. When did Batman go roaming about the city with a pride of lions?! Maybe the cover is simply a memorial for the lions who died earlier in the series. Or maybe it's a riddle!

Batman #31

I see the Batman creative team finally decided to get off their asses and put a picture on the cover.

With nearly eight issues of Batman Eternal between this issue and the last Batman issue, I'd forgotten that The Riddler was trying to take part in an epic tale. Do I even care about this story anymore? Do I care about Batman?! I think I have Batman Diabetes! I can't feel my feet!

Batman has learned that The Riddler will walk away from Gotham if any citizen can ask a riddle that he can't answer. I've got one that Batman should ask him! Batman should walk up to The Riddler's Riddle Asking Square and say, "What did your mother say when I fucked her in the ass?" The answer is "The same thing as your father!" Even if The Riddler knows the answer to that riddle, he'd have to answer, "The same thing as my father!" And then every citizen in Gotham will laugh their asses off at Batman's sexual humiliation of The Riddler through the defilement of his parents' butts! The Riddler will be seen as a laughingstock and the citizens will rise up and overthrow him! Only afterward, when everybody is celebrating and excited to be safe and free again, will people begin to question the appropriateness of Batman's riddle. Did he just save Gotham with a rape joke? Some will act offended and some will act disgusted and some will blatantly state that Batman is an asshole. But they'll have the freedom to call Batman an asshole and Batman won't give a fuck about his reputation! He only cares that everybody is free! Also that he makes a billion dollars on cleaning up the vegetation with his new company "Wayne Gardening and Yard Debris Pick-up."

But for now, it looks like Lucius Fox is going to challenge The Riddler!

"What is that circle of fire?" That's your riddle, Lucius? I don't think you can ask a riddle with more than one answer and then insist the answer is not whatever The Riddler answers. He's the master riddle maker! He already knows that trick!

Batman has come up with a conclusion. His conclusion is that The Riddler is a big stupid cheat and that the Riddle Game is a smokescreen. It's that bit about giving people a little bit of hope so that their suffering is far grander. Maybe. Maybe he just pointed out that it would be easier to find The Riddler and punch him in the face than to ask a riddle he can't answer.

Batman's plan is to trace The Riddler's feed when he appears to answer a riddle. Batman will be the bait pretending to ask a riddle while Lucius and Gordon do all the other fiddly work needed to trace the signal. The trace will take ten minutes so Batman is going to have to think up a riddle much longer than the one I thought up for him.

Riddle me this, Batman! What has two wheels and flies?! A shitcycle!

Maybe to keep The Riddler talking, Batman will ask him why the chicken crossed the road. Then Edward might have to obsessively think up every answer to that riddle he's ever heard and even make a few answers up just in case. That should leave his feed open long enough to track back to his location.

Or else he'll just ask him, "Who the fuck am I?" That might keep him interested!

Batman's question has a little bit of the humiliation I suggested in my fucking Ed's parents riddle and a little bit of the who is Batman too. But it's mostly, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Edward?" I also think maybe my feelings are hurt, Batman!

Edward doesn't even come close to figuring out Batman but it doesn't matter. He still drops Batman in the trap where Batman has to fight lions. But Batman also knows he can keep Edward on the line to comment on the spectacle. What good is watching Batman torn apart by lions if you can't Rifftrax over the entire thing?

Batman takes his time defeating the lions so that Edward's signal can be traced. And then Batman asks a really stupid riddle. He asks, "Is that all you've got?" I expect that riddle from Superman but not Batman! The answer to that riddle is almost always, "Why no, sir, it is not all that I have got." The Riddler answers this one correctly, of course, and tries to drop dozens of cars on Batman's head. But Commissioner Gordon saves his ass by offering an escape route out of the Lion's Study. I think the lions die though. Batman can't save everybody!

And then the final page tells me that there are only two issues left of Zero Year! Hooray! Although this issue was exceptionally good. Probably because it's finally gotten around to the confrontation.

Batman #31 Rating: No change. This issue was exceptionally good because it has finally gotten around to the confrontation. See? I was correct about why it was better than it has been lately! Master Comic Book Reader!

Batman #26

Idiot. Owls stand on finger bones. Bats hang from them.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne was stabbed in the neck with a syringe by Lucius Fox because Lucius isn't a good friend. Or else maybe there are other reasons, super secret comic book reasons, why Lucius knocked out Bruce Wayne with Knock Out Juice. Maybe he was actually saving Bruce Wayne's life because he knew Dr. Death was lurking in the shadows. That's probably the most probable of all the reasons although it's still Zero Year in this comic book, so maybe Lucius Fox just doesn't really know Bruce Wayne that well. But I'm sure Fox was just helping in a really strange and inappropriate way.

Well, that explains that. Fox injected Wayne with a vaccine which has to be delivered in a solution of Ether and Ketamine. See? He was saving Bruce! And everybody thought Lucius Fox had gone evil! Well, I mean, nobody actually thought that at all so it was kind of a weird cliffhanger to end on. Sort of if Alfred had slipped some Rufies into Bruce's tea and the issue ended with Alfred undressing Bruce and leering. Everybody would immediately not think, "Oh my God! Alfred is going to rape Bruce!" They'd just think, "Hmm, Alfred must have a perfectly good reason for this and it's going to save Batman's life."

Doctor Death is super excited that Bruce Wayne dropped by because he has a great big secret to tell him about something that happened a long time ago! So it's probably either about Bruce's parents or Jesus. Also, Doctor Death probably should have taken a name more evocative of his powers like The Bone Man, or Titties Bonerificus, or The Fluffer. Personally I like The Fluffer.

Speaking of fluffers, did y'all know that Build-a-Bear Workshop has a station with a sign hanging over it that says, "Fluff Me"? A picture of me in my trench coat with my arms spread out like a Christ figure while standing under that sign was the original header picture for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. That was long before it became my New 52 Blog. Then it was just random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wanted to read. Now, it's random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wants to read but they slog through it anyway so they can stay current on DC's characters without having to give money to a company that doesn't give a shit about its fans. Also, I think some people read it for the occasional dick joke. They're all high-brow dick jokes, of course! I wouldn't debase myself with common or vulgar jokes about phalluses.

Some people might think my "Titties Bonerificus" joke is just low brow pablum but that's because they just don't understand how it's a call back to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus which is all about an impotent man just trying to get his boner back. Or maybe I was just thinking about Damian's dog and erections. Bruce Wayne was stripping off his belt at the time and I'm only fucking human.

Bruce manages to suck Doctor Death through a jet engine but it just isn't enough to keep The Bone Man down.

Doctor Bonertime should market this serum to gorillas to increase the size of the bone in their penis! How do you send spam email to gorillas?

Bruce's skull is almost crushed but he's saved by the Commissioner ex Machina. Mostly by the Commissioner ex Machina's gun. Seriously though. Where did Gordon come from? Is he following Bruce? I wouldn't blame him. Bruce has been acting pretty crazy since he's come back to Gotham.

Later, Gordon and Bruce have a rational discussion about the past and discuss the possibility of working with each other in the future. They both decide that maybe now isn't the right time to start a partnership and Bruce leaves Jim on amicable terms.

Okay, okay. What really happened is that Bruce flipped the fuck out, told Gordon to shove himself up his own asshole, and then walked out of the hospital with a fractured skull.

The issue ends with Batman being shot up by the Gotham Police at the scene of yet another boner inducing catastrophe.

Batman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. Seriously. What the fuck is up with this comic book right now? It just feels like not a lot is happening and I've just got next to nothing to say about it. Plus I really fucking dropped the ball and stopped paying attention to the page count on DC's $3.99 Comics at some point. This is the second time I've paid attention to it and instead of being 20 pages with an 8 page back-up feature, they've now become 22 pages with silky glossy covers. Fuck the gloss covers, bitches! Give me back my longer stories! I suppose all of the intrigue about Batman's past is interesting, like what the fuck is going on in the desert with Bruce Wayne locked in a big metal ball in some underground cavern while he receives a phone call from his long dead father? But it would be more interesting if I were reading this story arc all in one sitting instead of having to get these tiny little tantalizing moments from month to month so that I'll completely forget how they all fit together by the time they make any sense.

Anyway, -1 Ranking doesn't mean it's a fucking bad comic book. It just means it's not doing the shit that needs to be done to me to retain the top two spot overall. Where's the butt play? The nipple sucking? Why isn't it trying to get its tongue straight up my urethra? Come on, Batman! Let's get this party going!

The Flash #25

I hope this story is about Barry's first speed pun.

Six years ago The Goddamned Batman emerged during the greatest catastrophe Gotham had ever endured up until that point. The citizens were all like, "Holy cow! That was intense! I'm glad life in Gotham can't get any worse than this!" And then in a few months, the citizens were all, "Shit shit shit shit! Holy fucking Moses! Remember the good old days when all we had to worry about was flooding and high winds and knock knock jokes?! Get me out of this fucking city!" Barry Allen decided to visit Gotham amidst this backdrop of the good old days when people weren't constantly poisoned by laughing gas or dying from fear or brainwashed by hats or eaten by ravenous batwomen or smashed by Hydras or turned to stone by Medusa or lost their children to Mexican urban myths or had bat symbols burned into their bodies or any other dozens of horrible things that have happened since the good old days when all they had to worry about was being stumped by a riddle.

The story begins by calling itself "Starting Line" because The Flash is known for running and a starting line is a line where runners start running! So even though he hasn't had his chemical lightning spa treatment yet, Barry's life is still full of punning on running. Barry is even running on the first page ahead of a Gotham patrol car as Barry gives chase to a drug addict.

With all the problems happening in Gotham right now, why is Barry chasing a drug addict? Apparently, on top of everything else, a new drug called "Icarus" has hit the streets and Barry needs to stop the problem before it runs amok.

Really? Mythology references are high-brow? Well la dee da! Who knew ten year old me was such a highfalutin fancy boy!

Maybe Barry is just making a tasteless joke about the way Icarus died by calling the street drug's name "high-brow."

Man. Now I want to try some Icarus. I bet coming down off of that shit is the worst!

As Barry chases the addict, he mentions that Harvey Bullock and Bullock's partner, Spencer the Probably Dirty Cop, don't have the same sense of urgency as Barry. That counts as a speed reference, right? I bet this Zero Year issue scores really high on my Speed Force Point System! That's where the issue gets a Speed Force Point for every reference to running or speed. By page three, The Flash's Zero Year story has...dammit! I just had the number and began typing the sentence and forgot. I'm going to say it was five points!

Oh yeah. Coming down off this junk fucking sucks. I think this also earns a Speed Force Point because he went up in a flash!

Iris West just happens to be off panel with a fire extinguisher and she steps in to put out the combusting addict. She works as an intern for the Gotham Gazette. Looks like she's one of the smartest people in Gotham because she winds up moving out of that hellhole. Before Barry and Iris can realize that they should be fucking, Harvey pulls Barry away to continue with the Icarus investigation.

As the cops take the corpse to do some forensic analysis on it, Barry tells Harvey how the drug increased the perp's reflexes. Harvey is then able to quip, "Maybe you're just slow." Ha ha! That's funny because he's soon going to be the fastest man alive! Hoo boy! I can't get enough of these allusions to Barry's future career! Keep 'em coming, The Flash Creative Team!

Okay, okay! I get it! You can do this all day!

I bet Patty gets real sick of Barry's puns. It's probably going to be the reason they eventually break up. That or because Dan DiDio decides he doesn't like how cozy they're getting.

Barry: "Hey Patty! I'm going to run to the store really quick."
Patty: "Oh, could you pick up a case of deodorant for yourself?"
Barry: "Want me to smell good for a quickie when I get back? Can't stop yourself around me and my fast hands, can you?"
Patty: "Get off m...did we just have sex?"
Barry: "Of course not! I know you like to take it slow, babe. Although, you kind of chose the wrong guy for that. Bit of a rash decision on your part, enh?"
Patty: "Speaking of rashes...could you get something for the friction burns on my ass?"

Um, and then there are more speed puns and Patty gets tired of them and they break up! What? I don't have all day to write comic book scripts!

Harvey and Barry head over to investigate the free clinic where Iris West was researching the use of Icarus. They do this because the building is about to explode and Harvey needs to make more references about Barry trying to be a hero and running into burning buildings and pointing out how fast Barry is and how great his buns would look in a spandex suit. Maybe some of those thoughts were my own.

Barry decides to investigate the explosion to try to put a stop to Gotham's drug problem while Harvey says, "Fuck it, that's too much work. I'm going to head over to a different Zero Year comic book." Iris West sets up a makeshift lab for Barry to work in and the two of them begin a professional relationship that will last for many, many years! Or at least until DC decides to go back to the old universe and then their relationship will be different somehow. But not very.

Barry and Iris wind up snorting a whole bunch of Icarus and fucking like monkeys. While they're banging each other, Barry has a flash of insight into where the drugs were probably cut and packaged: a cold place! Like with ice and stuff! And since Iris has cold beer because she knows a fish guy that can get her ice, Barry decides he suddenly knows where the drugs were packaged! It's easy to know your gut instincts are correct when you're in a comic book because their aren't enough pages for you to follow dead end leads.

I didn't actually guess that Spencer was a dirty cop earlier when I called him "Spencer the Dirty Cop." Originally, I had just typed "Harvey's Partner." But then when I decided to scan this page in, I realized I needed to make sure his name was mentioned so I wouldn't have to explain who this was. And as I typed his name, I added "the probably dirty cop" because isn't that the Gotham way and it made me giggle. But then after adding that so that I wouldn't have to explain who he was, I realized I needed to add all of this to explain how I already knew he was dirty when I added the "dirty cop" thing because I believe in transparency and I don't want people believing I guessed something that I didn't even consider while reading. Most internet denizens thrive on being able to look up facts and pretend they already knew them, thus presenting a false version of themselves. I like to let people know when Lord Google held my hand through something. Although I don't mention how often I check the spelling or the precise meaning of a word to make sure I'm actually saying exactly what I want to get across. Sometimes, even knowing the meaning of the word, you just need to make sure you've got the subtlety and precision just right for the sentence you're constructing. Although most of the time my sentences are more like a flailing child running amok in a candy store.

Harvey Bullock has arrived to back up Allen but he's a bit too late because Spencer shoves a bunch of Icarus up Barry's nose and now Barry thinks he's the Goddamned Batman. Barry punches up Spencer a bit but soon finds himself about to explode. Spencer goes to shoot Barry because he's the kind of cop that believes in ultra-violence but Harvey shoots Spencer before he can pull the trigger. Iris floods Barry with cold air from the cooling unit and everybody but Spencer lives happily ever after.

This bit from Harvey gave me feelings. Am I gay?

Then it's time for Barry to head back to Central City! But first he needs to be manhandled by Iris!

I think Iris West is really The Penguin!

The Flash #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even when The Flash doesn't have any powers and it's just a stupid CSI comic book about dumb cops without any super powers, this comic book is entertaining! Probably because Barry Allen's character has been well defined by Manapul and Buccellato. If only Tim Drake were being written this well! Not that I care about Tim Drake. But some people care about Tim Drake for some reason. Probably because those people are younger than I am. My favorite Robin was Alfred Pennyworth's pet Gerbil from Amazing Wonder Time Adventures #53.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #25

Definitely not The Joker!

Last issue, Ra's al Ghul said he spent three centuries working on the plan to get the Untitled back into the Primary Lazarus Pit to refill its power. So I'm guessing Ra's al Ghul is the dark figure controlling Jason Todd's destiny! Although it might also be Rebis.

Six years ago, Jason Todd was trying to take care of his addict mother during Gotham City's blackout. He's crying because he might be a mean, violent asshole. But he's really just a lost kid that misses his mother. While he's talking to...

Wait a second. Do I really have to read this? It's not like Jason Todd remembers any of it anyway?! So do I need to read about it? It's not like it'll give me great insight into who he is since he isn't the same person anymore. Or am I supposed to believe that this is a story that exposes his heart and his soul and hearts and souls are unaffected by amnesia? Because I'm not one of those people. You know the kind. The kind that think gut instinct is a real thing and not just a random thought that may or may not be true. Most people think gut instincts are true. They can't imagine that they could ever jump to a wrong conclusion, especially if somebody had once told them that they're very intuitive. You show me an intuitive person and I'll show you some stubborn asshole that's hard pressed to accept the truth if it ever goes against their gut instincts and reactions to first appearances.

Well, I'm going to read this comic book anyway. But I'm not going to enjoy it.

Jason's friend Chris has stopped by to tell him that he found the corpses of Red Hood #3 and Red Hood #4. He also lets Jason know that you can be anybody you want to be when you're nobody! Hey, that fits with Jason Todd now! Right now, he's nobody! So maybe he can become anybody! Hopefully he took Chris's advice to heart so that the amnesia couldn't get to it.

It's the Dark Figure! It looks like it could be Rebis! It's definitely not The Joker still!

Jason Todd winds up in an alley wearing the red hood while fighting a woman in a green jumpsuit wearing a katana on her back. It's definitely not Cheshire. But it could be Lady Shiva. But she is looking for the Red Hood Gang and now it would seem she's found one of its members! They decide to team up but that just means hanging around a warehouse talking until the Let's Get This Gang Back Together Red Hood Gang Meeting begins later that night. Chris knew about it for some reason. Probably because he's a street rat. I bet he spends a lot of his life spilling secrets to Batman after getting a sound beating.

The woman with the katana trained with Ducra but she could never quite figure out The Sacred Dragon Punch because her soul was too dark because she's probably Lady Shiva. But she just got done telling Jason that he's a quick learner so maybe she can teach the Sacred Dragon Punch to him! Then he can kill whomever it was meant for!

Possibly Lady Shiva eventually knocks out Jason Todd so that she can go to The Red Hood meeting alone and find the person she wants to kill. Meanwhile, Jason Todd wakes up in the alley with a menacing figure over his head.

Face melted off. White Carnation on the lapel. Crowbar. Okay, maybe it's The Joker. Although it does look a lot like Rebis!

The new guy in town leading the New Red Hood meeting is one of the Untitled. Lady Shiva (unless this is Talia! It could be Talia! It makes sense that it's probably Talia!) fails to do her Sacred Dragon Punch correctly. Actually, she must do it correctly because Jason Todd will wind up mimicking it and killing the Untitled guy (or knocking the Untitled out of the body its inhabiting. One of those). But Lady Shiva just isn't pure enough nor is she the One nor is she the Supreme Champion of the Universe. But Jason Todd is all of those things! Plus he kills people all justice style and has a cute butt and cute face and a huge fandom. So you know he's the best.

I bet after Jason Todd successfully completes the Sacred Dragon Punch, Lady Shiva/Talia/Not-Cheshire decides Ducra needs to meet him and that's why he eventually winds up in the Acres of All. But first he has to become Robin and get killed and then be resurrected. That's like years and years away from this moment.

And then Jason Todd successfully applies the Sacred Dragon Punch to the Untitled's chest.

Dammit. I was going to learn the Sacred Dragon Punch but it's only good for knocking immortality out of people. How many times in my life am I going to need to know do that? Three? Four?

After the beheading, Chris, Jason, and Shiva al Ghul make their escape while The Newly Jokerized Red Hood Leader blows the shit out of the old gang members. He even laughs a whole bunch to make sure everybody understands that The Red Hood really was The Joker. And then Jason wanders off and says he doesn't want to be nobody! He wants to be hisbody! And Lady Talia Shiva al Ghul rides away so that we can finally learn who she was without Jason Todd finding out as well.

Does Ra's have any other outfits? You'd think he'd have a suit for traveling. Or maybe some shorts and a nice, cotton t-shirt.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #25 Rating: +3 Ranking. It's nice that James Tynion IV is working so closely with Synder on all the Batman Myth stuff so that he can bring the Red Hood Leader's story over into this title and put a nice little period on The Joker's origin story. But not only that! Tynion really tied Jason Todd's story together rather nicely here. Talia saw his potential early on to work with the All-Caste. Then when he died, she had to resurrect him so that he and her father could use him to repower the Well of Sins. So now why he was resurrected by Talia and why he was sent to the All-Caste makes perfect sense. Very nicely done.

Nightwing #25

Dick's first gang: The Guttercats!

Let's get the Thanksgiving crap out of the way first: I am thankful for nothing. Fuck off.

The issue begins with Dick watching the Swordwalkers movie with a bunch of panicky assholes. Wasn't the Swordwalkers video game the game that Nightwing was going to spend all day playing with Damian but then Damian went and had his heart pierced which wound up being less cool than it may have sounded? Anyway, the power goes out and somebody yells "Free Cheese!" or something and everybody stampedes for the exits. Dick is trampled into a flashback but the injury isn't that severe because the flashback is only to three hours ago.

I think Dick's mom's outfit was Nightwing's original costume.

Dick hits the McTwist of trapeze artists with a Quadruple and the crowd goes wild and everybody loves him and all the circus freaks chant for him. The only people that aren't happy about his success are the other trapeze artists. Fuck you, you selfish pricks! If you want the fucking glory, learn to Quadruple yourselves! I suppose he was supposed to get off the trapeze and say, "I couldn't have done it without you guys!" and then stuck his tongue up each of their asses?

I don't think they do respect you, Dick! Fuck them! They're just going to turn on you in six years anyway!

Raymond and Raya should be thanking Dick Grayson every single day for the huge crowds he draws to the circus. Do they think anybody is actually coming out to see animals mistreated and clowns full of self-loathing? They want to see Dick Grayson's ass in tights! As soon as Dick Grayson walks away from Haly's, the circus is going to have to resort to demon worship and contracts to kill. I suppose right now they're relying on Owl money but even if they are, you still have Dick Grayson to thank for the Owl's interest in Haly's Circus anyway!

Meanwhile at Gotham Central where they cure the sick and create monsters, Helzinger's surgery takes an expected turn.

Since super villains generally get their monikers from nicknames given by other people, Helzinger must mishear the doctor as saying, "He's Amygdala!"

Dick wakes up in the theater among a few teenagers that had pulled him out from under the crowd when he was trampled. One of the teenagers is originally from Metropolis but her father moved the family to Gotham. Somebody should call Child Protective Services on that man. The lead kid's name is CJ and he's really good at picking locks so that probably tells someone other than me who this kid grows up to be. Maybe it's Catwoman's long lost brother!

Eventually, the kids wind up being chased by Amygdala because he hates little people. They find themselves trapped in an abandoned house with Amygdala banging on the doors to get in. But one of the kids hurt his leg and can't walk because that's just the kind of wacky thing that happens when you're being chased by a murderer.

I don't know who CJ is but he's apparently an asshole. And there are so many assholes in Gotham that could be his father! It's just too hard to choose.

CJ ditches everybody but Dick stays behind to help the other kids and then to lead Amygdala back to CJ so that CJ can almost be killed and Dick can save his life. Raymond and Raya and Dick's parents were right. Dick Grayson is a fucking showoff.

CJ's dad winds up being Mob Boss Sal Maroni. He becomes very thankful to Haly the Circus Owner which is always trouble. You really don't want a Mob Boss taking any interest in you at all, good or bad.

Dick comes up with a plan to win back the hearts of his friends at the expense of Haly's Circus's revenue.

Raya and Raymond are really going to feel like shit when Dick still gets all the acclaim even when they're all up there, in masks and anonymous, simply because he's so much better than they are.

Nightwing #25 Rating: No change. Another higher cost Zero Year issue that was boring. We learned that Dick Grayson is willing to play a support role and forgo the spotlight! Also, he never leaves people behind when there is a lady to impress. Also he loves to show up assholes by saving their lives and then expecting nothing in return. Dick Grayson! Totally living up to his first name! In a good way!

Batgirl #25

A fourth female writer at DC? Aren't Christy Marx, Ann Nocenti and Gail Simone enough? I mean, yeah, sure, feminism is good and all that but we don't have to get crazy about it!

Speaking of feminism, I wanted to make sure I named all of DC's women writers because four is so hard to keep track of. I mean, I can name all the male writers easy because, well, duh. But I wasn't sure I had all the womens. So I asked Lord Google, "female writers at DC Comics" which technically isn't a question but Lord Google understood what I wanted anyway.

Actually, he didn't, the asshole. But he did lead me to this shitty article of shit which some people might like for reasons but I hate for other reasons. First off, no evidence is presented within the article to support even the title of the article, "DC Comics Fires Top Female Writer For Refusing to Comply with Company's Sexism." Who said Gail Simone was the top female writer?! Where's the supporting evidence!?

That was a joke! She's obviously more on top than Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell. Hmm, that doesn't make her sound like a good writer at all! How about I just mention that she's writing the most interesting team comic book at DC right now. Here's a clue: Batgirl isn't on a team!

Bah, where was my fucking point? Oh! Abdul's title of his article! He does offer one piece of, well, "evidence" that Gail Simone was fired for the reasons stated in the title of the article. And where does he get that evidence? From Gail Simone's Twitter! Gail Simone's Twitter is 89% fart tweets! I don't think Gail Simone's Twitter is ever allowed as evidence ever anywhere because it's tainted by snark! For what it's worth, I think Gail refused to kill Alysia Yeoh and editorial was like, "But she's a woman close to Batgirl! You have to do it!" And Gail was all, "I don't have to do shit, motherfucker!" And editorial ran from the room crying because his mother had been dead for years and he also used to fuck her. Then Jim Lee strolled in and said, "You're fired, Gail, for being insensitive! Wait, can I fire people? I can fire people right?" Anyway, here's Abdul's conclusion as to why she was fired:

Many comic book fans had reacted with hostility against Simone back then too [when she wrote Women in Refrigerators]; perhaps her employers finally caught up.

Perhaps, yes, perhaps. Perhaps Dan DiDio was scanning the web and stumbled upon "Women in Refrigerators," smirking at the memory of the kerfuffle it had caused back in the day. And then he saw the name. "Wait. Gail Simone?! GAIL SIMONE!? Gail Simone is a woman? Fire her!"

Another reason the article sucks garbage poo is the way in which he begins by, understandably, calling out three male writers that are total scumbag dickbreathers: Frank Miller, Joe Kelly, and Joss Whedon. Really, Abdul? I get how Joss Whedon is one of the top three sexist scumbags out there because he's a male writer and he's currently writing shit. Plus by calling out Joss Whedon, you show your chops as a feminist by pointing out how another supposed "feminist" actually isn't very good at the feminism. And I suppose, technically, Frank Miller is still writing shit but does anybody really care? I mean, how many people actually have access to the walls in that men's bathroom stall? Also, who is Joe Kelly?

So after Abdul cannot find anything else to distract from the fact he knows nothing, he goes on to talk about The Hawkeye Initiative. Because, as he points out, the best way to be a fan of women and comics is to quote Mark Twain and put Cliff Barton in a thong. In doing so, he makes a major blunder exposing his horribilitudonous writing ability when he says this:

The initiative is certainly funny and even significant because it actually makes Hawkeye relevant again (he literally stays dead more often than not in the comic books).

Abdul used the word "literally" in a serious, written piece of work! And I know his piece is serious because I only write serious things and I know serious writing because it's all I fucking write. Seriously. I could have said "literally" there but that would have brought down the level and seriousness of my writing and it's already barely parsable.

Before I end my rant on a year-old article that smells vaguely of spoiled goat's milk, let me point out that he also makes a joke about his penis. I think.

Either way, for all the female comic fans who simply can’t get men to admit that the medium is sexist, they should show them [the Hawkeye Initiative]; it will certainly work. Why, you ask, ladies? Because, as a male, I can attest to the fact that I see things a lot more clearly when my Spider Sense isn’t tingling.

Right? That was a penis joke! Only one thing surpasses my knowledge of serious writing and that's my knowledge of penis jokes! And I'm almost positive what he said in the previous quote was that he can't think clearly when he has an erection but when he sees Cliff Barton in a thong, he loses that erection and, thus, can think clearly, Ladies.

Ha ha. He also says "ladies."

It's a good thing the internet doesn't have any editors or else this piece would never have been seen by anyone. Abdul's article never would have either though!

Now that the internet has completely distracted me because that's why rich white men put it there, I barely have any time to read Marguerite Bennett's version of Batgirl! I hope it's a sexier version than that man-hating Gail Simone gives us each month! But I hope she's not quite as sexy as Bennett's Twat Lobo from Villains Month because, hoo boy, I just don't have time to masturbate today.

Oh who am I kidding? There's always time for masturbation!

Okay, I thought people were idiots for staying in Gotham because it was so dangerous. Now seeing these gas prices? I know they're all just fucking insane.

The Narration Boxes use the Batgirl symbol so that we, the readers, know they're Barbara Gordon's thoughts. But I'm a fucking nerd so I'm yelling at my comic book and pointing out how she isn't Batgirl yet so they shouldn't be using the symbol! And then I barely hold my shit together when I find a typo. There's only one thing I hate worse than finding a typo in a comic book: finding a typo in my commentary when I reread it a month after writing it. Especially when I'm attacking DC for making typos!

You know, that last paragraph had a huge lie in it. Obviously I hate a lot of things more than I hate typos. Like people from the valley. Fucking stop riding my waves, you suburban sweater hounds. You drop in on my shoulder one more time and I'm shitting on the hood of your mother's Volvo.

Wow, that last sentence was a little bit titillating!

As the comic opens, we find Barbara Gordon enacting the shittiest apocalypse survival plan ever.

No, no, no! Once everybody sees the disaster coming, it's too late to go for supplies. It's like the first minute of the Hunger Games! There is no "getting in, getting what you need, and getting out." Only the Bloodbath awaits! You have to be prepared long before the sheep get wind of the End of the World!

Okay, I'm going to reveal my End of the World survival plan to all of you yahoos out there, so no stealing it, okay? I have stocked up on hundreds and hundreds of pounds of chocolate bars and sweets. I will be known as The Candy Man and every fucker in the city will trade with me! And if they think they're going to come at me with weapons and steal my stores of candy? Well, they'll just have to get by the little orange singing men, won't they?

I don't currently have tiny singing orange men. I figure by the time the End of the World rolls around, the technology for making mutant people will have reached a level that you can buy that shit over the counter.

Barbara almost gets shot over a loaf of bread and a gallon of gas because this storm coming is a Super Storm. Unless everybody is actually more freaked out by not having the answers to The Riddler's riddles. "What is gray and loud and advances like an army?" The Goddamned Batman! Actually, he's more quiet than loud. Maybe the answer is Doomsday!

My friend Soy Rakelson that I haven't talked about in a long while once set up an adventure for Warhammer that hinged on a magical blade and a riddle or something. The answer to the riddle was "Black Widow" because that was the name of the sword. But he asked the riddle as if it was going to be the greatest moment in gaming history and all I can remember is that everybody knew the answer immediately but we were still waiting for him to finish his Antagonist's Riddle Speech when a friend not even playing the game yelled, "Is it a Black Widow?!" in a mocking way. Soy Rakelson instantly turned red and sputtered all over his dungeon master's screen and yelled that the game has been ruined. But I can't remember the riddle he asked anymore because over the last twenty years, we've made it more and more obvious every time we talk about it. "What has eight legs and is black and is the name of a type of spider that has a red hourglass on its abdomen and is often used as a metaphor for a woman who kills her husbands and did I mention it was a type of spider and, oh yeah, it's venomous too!"

Holy fuck. I'm so sorry about this commentary. I'm only three pages in to an extra-sized Zero Year issue! No, no. Never apologize for rambling. Apologize for touching old men inappropriately on the subway. But never apologize for rambling.

How old is Batgirl here? Fourteen? Fifteen?

Eventually some police come by and tell Batgirl that she has to get to higher ground because the Gordon Homestead is in a flood zone. Being that it's the Gotham Police, they might be lying to her so they can rob Commissioner Gordon's house. Or they might be telling her the truth because they could be some of the 4% of honest Gotham Cops. So Babs gets outfitted in her father's body armor with some of his weapons so she can protect James as they hit the mean, mean, (insane), mean streets of Gotham. Don't tell me how to punctuate! Who do you think you are? Howard Mackie?!

Aww! Look at the little kitty! WHO'S DA CYUTE KITTY? WHO'S DA SWEET WIDDLE AWASKA KITTY THAT'S GOING TO WIND UP IN A TEENY, TINY REFWIDGAWAITER?

Barbara and James Gordon, Junior, find themselves holed up in a firehouse to wait out the storm. They meet a creepy guy named Henry. I know he's creepy because his hair is gelled and he's alone and he's making friends with a fourteen year old girl. Also because when does Barbara Gordon ever meet any nice people? I mean, unless she finds them with their leg in a bear trap.

Eventually a sinkhole opens up right under the firehouse, sweeping everybody away. Typical Gotham.

I must admit: I laughed out loud at this scene. It's just too much like a Sergio Aragonés drawing! I expect to find little funny people nearly drowning. I also expect one of the people to be Groo with Rufferto.

Why can I not remember the names of the children of my friends but I can still recall the name of Groo's dog with little effort?

Barbara helps lead everybody up the fireman's pole and into Bruce Wayne's study. I mean, onto the second floor of the fire station which is now the roof. She notices Coldlight Island across the harbor burning and exploding. The entire group slowly move from one roof to another as they head for roofs over higher ground or something. I'm not sure where they ultimately plan on going since the roof of a building isn't the best place in any natural disaster I can think of. Not that I'm trying to hard to think of one. I just needed something to say about how Barbara and Henry must have a better plan than remaining on a rooftop.

You know what really actually tipped me off to him being a total creep but I didn't want to expose the depth of my shallowness? That stupid fucking douchebag necklace he's wearing.

I know. The main tip off that he was a jerk was the conventions of comic book story telling. But that necklace, man. That necklace. Ugh.

Barbara jumps across the gap in the roofs and lands on Henry, breaking his collarbone. She does this because she decides to stop waiting for a hero and to be her own hero. She also calls herself "Barbara Joan Gordon." I suppose she's named after the lady with the ark that saved France from flooding in the fourteenth fifteenth century. I took a guess at Joan of Arc's historical period and was off by one century. Not bad for somebody who can't retain names and dates! Unless you're talking about Groo's dog and delicious Middle Eastern fruit.

Barbara removes the police vest she's wearing so that she doesn't drown if she falls in the water just as Henry tries to smash her skull with his foot and the edge of the building breaks away, sending him and Bab's possessions down into the water.

What's with the pearls? Is this why Bruce is mad at Gordon? Did Gordon steal Bruce's mother's pearls?! Maybe he just took them to restring and present them back to him later. You know, twenty or thirty years later. Also, I suppose they can just be another string of pearls but, seriously? When pearls are so symbolic to Gotham's most famous crime fighter? You know the one. What's his name? Rufferto?

Henry survives and swims away saying, "I'll get you next time, Batgirl!" Is swimming with a broken collarbone painful? It sounds like it would be painful.

Batgirl #25 Rating: No change. In this issue, we learn that Babs cares more about stuff than she does about people. No wait. I think I got that backwards. Jesus. I can't even understand a simple parable! Was this a parable? It was actually about a spiritual journey and the way to get into heaven, right? Always seeking higher ground by helping others? But the lure of material possessions will send you plummeting to Hell? I wish Jesus were here to explain it more clearly. After listening to Alice Cooper for so many years, I can tell when somebody is secretly testifying to me! This was about Jesus! Unless it was actually about John Wayne, what with the homestead references and such.

Batman #25

They changed their sound so much that I just couldn't get into this album and completely stopped listening to anything new from them after it.

Did somebody forget to splash the paint on the cover of my Batman comic book? It looks like Hotblack Desiato's stuntship. It does look super cool right now while it's sitting there on top of my scanner. But as soon as I pick it up and read it, the cover will be decorated with fingerprints.

The issue begins with some military guys driving through whatever beach resort exists in Nigeria until they come upon a trap door buried in the sand. They're looking for somebody that is a part of something so they can get some other something or something. It's all very mysterious and full of sun glare. I think the comic book was designed to make you go blind as you stare for a long period of time at the cover, tracing the raised surfaces and just making out the off-black font set into the black background. And then you open the comic book and are struck down by all the light ever reflecting off the stark white page.

After the initial fuck you to my eyes, the comic settles back into dark Gotham (story title: "Dark City." Ha ha. Fuck you and your blinding ways, you dickbag creative team!) where the Police are engaged in one of their favorite (and most fruitless) pastimes: chasing The Goddamned Batman!

This issue had better be about this Batmobile being blown into a million tiny bits because I will accept no other reason for this not being Batman's current car.

Batman, of course, gets away because his car can climb walls and hang from ceilings. Just another day in the life of a failed Gotham City Police Department.

Gordon and Bullock are busy investigating some mysterious deaths caused by explosive bone growth. Pamela Isley works with one victim and says she saw a guy that looked "skeletal" walking around the Wayne Enterprises Botany Lab. I guess if a pale guy with severely fucked up dental work looks like a skeleton then Pamela's description was fairly accurate.

Meanwhile Alfred and Bruce discuss his reluctance to work with the Gotham Police Department.

I hardly know why it's a discussion at all! I think Alfred is just one of those people who has to play Devil's Advocate with every fucking decision you make.

Gordon (as you can see by his foot above) arrives at the mouth to the Batcave to discuss the murders of Wayne's employees with him. But Bruce doesn't want to have much to do with even Jim Gordon due to some ugly business involving the murder of Wayne's parents and a Gotham Police Department cover up. I'm sure it involves money somehow. Bruce sends Gordon off with a flock of bats and then heads over to see Lucius Fox about a Dr. Death that he used to work with.

And apparently still does.

The back-up story concerns the secret origin of Harper's electrician powers and the battery that saves Batman's life in the Court of Owls story. I'm pretty sure it's the same battery! This is comic books! Everything is connected!

Batman #25 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not that it was bad! I actually liked the interactions between all of the characters. But it was rather slow and I figure Wonder Woman could use a shot at the top if Batman wasn't going to completely bring his "A" Game this month.

Green Lantern Corps #25

Do I have to read a Zero Year military story? Please get to the handing out of the ring quickly.

This issue begins in Detroit twenty years previously! Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men! That's nearly before the Crisis on Infinite Earths happened! I said "nearly," you nerd! Don't make me point to a dictionary definition that says nearly can be within "eight years" of the exact date. Especially because it would look weird that the definition is written in the margins in my handwriting.

It also takes place in Detroit! Holy Dick Sucking Motorcars! I don't know why I'm so surprised that it takes place in Detroit.

I just rewatched "The Mindscape of Alan Moore" and now I feel guilty that I'm not taking writing seriously. What kind of magic spell am I casting when I cause half a dozen people to read the phrase "Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men" all at the same time? Perhaps a script will manifest out of the aether for a porn parody of Pacific Rim, "Pacific Rimjob."

General Main General Man: "Why are these Battle Mech not designed according to the exact specifications our engineers demanded?"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "Really? You actually wanted them outfitted with gigantic penises?"
General Main General Man: "Of course I did! How else are we going to pacify the Giant Dick Sucking Monster Men?!"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "I thought we could just blow them up with the shoulder mounted nuclear rockets?"
General Main General Man: "Who said to add those?! Those rocket mounts are for Rocket Propelled Syringes filled with a mixture of Heroin and Ecstasy! And who the hell decided to weld metal plates covering up the gigantic, gaping anus?!"

Now I really feel like a failure! Alan Moore said to treat writing as if writing were a God! What kind of God am I worshiping here?!

In Detroit, little John Stewart asks his mom why she's got such a big mouth and she tells him a story that doesn't make any sense. And then it's only six years ago as the gigantic storm is about to hit Gotham! The Marine Corps have been dispatched to shoot poor people before they can loot from middle class people. John Stewart is among these sacred keepers of the peace.

What?! I always thought "Semper Fi" meant "full of sperm." Well, that's what it's going to mean in "Pacific Rimjob."

John Stewart and the other marines wind up in the Gotham Knights Stadium where Anarky reigns. He and a bunch of morons that don't understand that the real power of anarchy doesn't come from the ends of baseball bats and steel-toed boots disarm the marines because they're a symbol of the social, economic, political, and corporate power structure that feeds off the many. These people have spent years fighting amongst themselves as they've struggled to maintain some sort of life in the shadow of Gotham as Bruce Wayne gentrifies the city and drives the poor from one neighborhood to the next in the name of progress. But now they have a target for their hate given to them by their new leader: Anarky! Hero of the hopeless!

I tend not to have sympathy for Anarky right from the beginning because he says the government used eminent domain to buy up all the property for the Gotham Knights Stadium while also saying this was a poverty stricken district. So, more likely, Bruce Wayne and the other rich bastards of Gotham probably just offered crazy prices to the slumlords to sell off the properties which were most likely filled with renters. But Anarky wins me back a bit with his foosball speech!

I hope John gets his Green Lantern Ring soon!

I know! I know! He's never going to get his Green Lantern ring in a story taking place six years ago! Hal Jordan was barely a Green Lantern at this time! But it's a nice mantra to keep repeating over and over again to hold the entire commentary together. Except now that I mentioned it, it's lost its effectiveness and I'll be abandoning it immediately.

John and the military escape. John's commander wants to kick the crap out of Anarky's henchman and some of his underlings are ready to kill them. But John remembers the story his mother told him twenty years ago about how people in power have a responsibility not to get emotional when trying to maintain the peace. Or something. I'm only halfway through this comic book and both stories are being told at the same time! Can it get any more confusing?! In one story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the military! But in the other story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the civilians!? Who am I supposed to root for?! Is it possible I'm supposed to be on the side of . . . EVERYONE?! SHOCK!

Why is John the only person in this stadium that understands anarchy? I guess because nobody else heard his mom's story fourteen years ago!

Here's my definition of an Anarchist Society: "A place where anybody can do anything they want without worrying about some stupid cop putting a bullet in their head. But they have to worry about everyone else putting a bullet in their head all the time because there are no cops." Although, seriously, we don't live in an anarchy and we have to worry about cops and non-cops putting bullets in our heads all the time! Go USA! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!

John Stewart saves the day but pisses off his commanding officer which was probably a bad move for his military career. But it was probably a good move for his civilian career as an architect! Also, Anarky gets away and Batman makes a quick cameo as he swings in close to get a quick look at Stewart's ass before disappearing back into the night. And, twenty years ago, Little Johnny Stewart learns some kind of lesson or something about power or racism or corruption or lawyers or something. I'm not really very good at learning lessons. Maybe the lesson he learned was to shoot his own dog.

Green Lantern Corps #25 Rating: No change. I think this was the most successful John Stewart has ever been if you measure success by how many people didn't die because of his inability to save them!