Zod Loves Faora #6

The only way this cover could be more symmetric is if Faora wore an "M" on her chest. Fine, I guess there can be other ways. Like if Superman had a beard. Or if Kal and Diana were Zod and Faora.

Last issue the fight between Superman, Wonder Woman, Zod, and Faora ended in a stalemate. I forget why exactly. Superman fucked up his tactics and ended up with his balls in Zod's vice or something. I know it was Kal's fault; I just forget the particulars. This issue begins with Superman and Wonder Woman going about their business while Zod and Faora build a contraption to release the criminals trapped in the Phantom Zone. Apparently the good guys think a stalemate equals a moment to catch their breath. If only Batman were around to tell them otherwise.

I suppose if business is getting godly weapons and armor for battle, it's acceptable. I assumed they went off to bitch and moan about relationship problems.

Hephaestus loans them his invisible chariot so that they can sneak up on Zod. That's probably a good idea considering the armor Hephaestus made them is fucking horrendous. It makes them look like some demon from a Clive Barker novel whose skin has been used to bind an ancient book which houses the creatures most sensitive poetry, leaving its muscles and tendons exposed to the elements, raw and inflamed. This intense and constant pain is the main motivation for the creature to write poems.

Burning Fire Burn Burns
You whom I look at,
The whom who hurts my heart.
Scars it. Burns it. Tears it apart.
Not because you won't love me,
But because you won't stop breathing on the exposed muscle.
Please step back a few feet.
And stop drinking so much.
Mother.

Somebody really needs to have a chat with Hephaestus. It's going to have to be me, isn't it? Okay. Fine.

"Hey? Hephaestus? First off, could you change the spelling of your name? I'm sure the Baristas at Starbucks would appreciate something a little easier to spell. At least understand it's hard to spell and stop flipping out and posting pictures of your cup to Instagram every time they spell it wrong. "Can you believe this shit? Who the fuck is "Hayfestus?" IDIOTS!" Second off, don't listen to everybody when they say you're ugly. I get that your mother treated you like shit and made you feel like a monster but what did you expect? Hera treats everybody that way! You don't have to design all of your armor to make everybody look as hideous as you feel. Buck up, Master Smith! People like you! How about putting the aesthetic back in a word that means beautiful but also has 'aesthetic' in it? We'd all appreciate it!"

Perhaps I'm asking the wrong person to design better armor but I'm not starting a conversation with Tony S. Daniel since he's doing a surprisingly terrific job on other aspects of this comic book. I don't want to interrupt him and get him off of his game. The long, drawn out fight scene is a little bit choppy but it's easy enough to follow. Unlike all the fight scenes in Hawkman when he was writing that! Holy fuck, I've never been so confused! Except maybe the first time I had sex which amounted to me mostly thinking, "Am I supposed to come now? Now? How about now?"

The ugly ass armor Hephaestus made has the ability to absorb the energy of every punch leveled against it. After Superman and Wonder Woman absorb a nice, substantial beat-down, they set off the armor causing a massive explosion that knocks Zod and Faora into the ocean. But before Clark and Diana can finish the fight, Apollo interferes because Superman was a dick to him previously.

Have your fun while you're still alive, Apollo. The First Born is coming for you.

Superman and Wonder Woman are quickly defeated by Zod and Faora now that they're filled with Apollo Juice. But they don't kill them because there isn't time. You know, that's the kind of thing you really should make time for, guys. You think you're going to stuff them into a nuclear reactor and they won't be able to heal up to stop your plans but you'd be really, really wrong. The number one rule of being a super villain (the rule that's always ignored for some reason!) is to kill the good guys when you get the chance. Stop pretending you don't have time because the clock in the Phantom Zone is always ticking. Zod can open the gate while Faora kills the heroes. Delegate, assholes! But no. They leave Supes and Wonder Woman alone while they open up a portal into the Phantom Zone where Warworld and an entire army await their lead. I hope Jim Starlin was consulted in this use of Warworld because that's his baby. It's his greatest achievement! It's such a great concept that he's stolen it from himself over and over again during his long career. Genius!

Superman and Wonder Woman have a plan to stop Zod and Faora though! They know how they can destroy the portal to the Phantom Zone which would be great since Zod and Faora have wandered inside to lead the army out. Idiots! Anyway, Kal and Diana decide to cause a nuclear explosion which will collapse the portal and save the world.

I know matter is composed of mostly empty space but you figure if her sword can split an atom, it would be accidentally splitting one every now and again, right? That doesn't seem very safe!

Anyway, they don't need to "split an atom" to get a nuclear explosion here. The Uranium isn't just sitting there not decaying! I'm pretty sure just slashing at the containment cells will set that explosion off as well. No need to be accurate or anything! Also shouldn't this thing be full of water? Or something? I'm not a Nuclear Physicist but it's not like you just turn Uranium on or off! You don't just deactivate a nuclear reactor by turning out the lights and locking the door! This seems like a fairly dangerous state to leave a reactor that's been decommissioned since 1963! I'm pretty sure you take out the radioactive material and dispose of the spent fuel rods in Nevada. But what do I know!? I just got done believing that Boomerang can block bullets with his turn-around sticks over in Superior Foes of Spider-Man!

Anyway, the (s)explosion happens and the portal is destroyed. But were Superman and Wonder Woman killed as well? Probably not. Superman can easily survive it and Wonder Woman was wrapped in his cape which we've seen can't be destroyed. It might have gotten a little hot in the middle of the blast but nothing Superman's frigid breath can't resolve.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #6 Rating: No change. There was a lot of punching in this issue. The cover was fairly accurate.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #5

Does it literally? That's a weird name to give your baby.

Superman, being the gigantic naive fuck-up that he is, managed to give Zod access to his Phantom Zone Extraction Device and Zod immediately used it to free Faora. Meanwhile the entire world is fixated on Superman and Wonder Woman's romantic life. Has the media given them a cute nickname like Bennifer yet? Like Superwoman? Or Wonder Man? Also, was Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) the first time that the media began talking about Hollywood couples by merging their names? Which has now become a huge thing where people just merge the names of any two people that they ship? If so (and I'm not doing the research to know for sure if it's true), that means Kevin Smith began this sick and disturbing codependent way of talking about couples! I'm pretty sure he coined "Bennifer" when working with them on Jersey Girl.

Wouldn't it be weird to be Jennifer Garner and have to hear people referring to her and Ben as Bennifer when everybody knows who the Jennifer part of Bennifer really is?

Wonder Woman has finally gone back to visit her family since she wasn't visiting them over in her own title although she did manage to get back to visit in her own title last issue probably so Azzarello could beat Charles Soule to the punch.

Hera's a big jerk! She knew cursing the Amazons to become living phalluses would be the worst.

So far, I've been enjoying Soule's version of Wonder Woman as much as Azzarello's version. Geoff Johns' version over in Justice League is a real ballbreaker though! She just loves to pick fights, doesn't she? Not that Azzarello's version isn't wont to punch a sibling in the head now and then (was that enough negatives in that sentence?!). But she's mostly tended toward resolving conflicts with compassion and smooth talk. But still, we all lose our heads now and again when having to deal with family. Especially when your family are arrogant narcissists that think turning their in-laws into snakes is a bloody good joke.

The only real problem with this comic book is that Superman and Wonder Woman are dating. But if that's what's happening, and it provides some well-written stories by Charles Soule, I'll go with it. But they have to get naked together at some point. Enough of all this kissing in costume! Get to banging on-panel already!

Wonder Woman is visiting Themyscira to talk to herself out loud. Maybe Superman's super hearing can't penetrate Themyscira's magical defenses, so she can express her doubts without fear of Clark hearing and getting all pouty. Although she probably doesn't have to worry about him hearing her right now because he's a little bit busy fighting the creatures that Zod set free from Superman's menagerie.

Mirroring Zod and Faora's escape from The Phantom Zone which Superman guards in his Fortress of Solitude, Wonder Woman discovers that something has escaped from Tartarus, home of the monsters, the entrance of which lies in the middle of Paradise Island and guarded by the Amazons. Now they're probably both going to give Batman a call and ask for help. Or maybe Wonder Woman will call Batwoman since she's helped her capture an escapee from Tartarus before.

If you don't need a lecture then don't call Batman! Sheesh.

Wonder Woman doesn't call anybody because there's no cell reception on Themyscira anyway. Instead she finds the escaped creature herself, stabs it in the head, and tosses it back down into Tartarus. She then uses her Lasso of Truth to secure the doors to the underworld because I guess her Lasso would really come in useful if only she still had it on her later on in this story.

Wonder Woman easily takes care of her problem so Superman is probably mirroring her results and easily putting Zod and Faora back into the Phantom Zone, right?

Forget how powerful the eye lasers might be, the real brutality here is the kicking.

People often talk about how violent video games are but none of that really bothers me because they're just games. But I recently found what I feel is by far the most brutal moment in my history of video game playing so far and it involves kicking. Stomping, actually. Xbox Live just recently gave away Dead Island for free to Gold Members and I've played a bit of it. I know you're fighting zombies but the most brutal moment I've ever experienced (which, obviously, makes me laugh like a demented madman) is knocking a zombie to the ground and then just stomping the shit out of it until it dies. Playing alone, this is sadistic. But playing in multiplayer with two or three other people standing around helping to stomp the shit out of this zombie? It's practically perverse in its brutality. Sure, these are zombies and I guess they deserve to die because they're not like us and who cares that maybe their motivation for eating people's brains is because rising back up as a zombie hurts like a motherfucker and they're just trying to euthanize all of us poor living souls and keep us from their pain and torture. But they're also human figures in bikinis and shorts. So it really just feels like you're a psychopath let loose in some tourist trap in the South Pacific. It does send me into paroxysms of laughter due to the exaggerated violence of it all. Make of that what you will, Doctor Judgypants.

Oh yeah, look at that. No reception on Luddite Island.

Wonder Woman finds Superman and saves his ass because he's more journalist than warrior. Wonder Woman tells Zod that "He is mine!" (referencing Superman, of course!) in Kryptonian and Zod is impressed that she learned the language for him. Are you kidding? Of course she didn't! All she needed to learn was "He is mine!" And now the Moulin Rouge soundtrack is going to be stuck in my head for yet another week.

Of course.

Okay, so maybe Diana isn't using her compassion to win this battle. But then you don't fly into a fight with hugs and kisses when you've just gotten a desperate call from Cyborg telling you that Superman needs help NOW!

Oh! I almost forgot Wonder Woman's best portrayal so far in The New 52: her guest appearance in Batwoman! That bit where she puts Pegasus out of his misery is just beautiful and heart-wrenching. The great thing about Wonder Woman is not that she is compassionate and refutes violence. It's that she has a belief system in place that allows her to run the entire spectrum. She kills when it is absolutely needed or her only choice. But it shouldn't be her first choice. Geoff Johns' Wonder Woman in Justice League just seems bloodthirsty. Azzarello's version is much calmer and she spends far more time talking and having tea with her loved ones than she does murdering monsters. Charles Soule's version? It's really kind of hard to tell just five issues into it and concentrating on her "love" of Superman. I really can't wait until they break up and things get awk-ward!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #5 Rating: No change. I'm still waiting for Charles Soule to disappoint so I can pounce like a rabid dog and tear his throat out while ranting incoherently about his awful stylistic choices and his atrocious characterizations! I feel so much more comfortable when I can truly hate a comic book and its creative team.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #3

Fuck me. Even when I have a comic book I've been enjoying sitting here in my hands waiting to be fully enjoyed (and I mean FULLY!), Scott Lobdell has to ruin it.

I suppose I have to talk about Scott Lobdell, don't I? I'd really rather not! He's always doing something stupid and distracting me from my real job which is, well, it's not commenting on comic books. But it should be! Anyway, he's always writing some stupid dialogue, or he's over there thinking up some shitty time travel plot, or else he's somewhere else writing more stupid dialogue, or else he's plagiarizing his own material, or maybe he's way over there on a Queer Comics Panel sexually harassing another comic book professional. Can I even use "another" in that sentence since Lobdell showed no sign of professionalism at all on that panel? Anyway, we know he's going to get his ass chewed out in the internet blogosphere for being a creepy douche, and we know he's going to get destroyed over and over again as people react to his apology. So I probably don't need to add to that chorus. Unless I do. But I'm not going to. I'll try to approach this from another angle. How, in any way, shape, or form, could Scott Lobdell not realize how inappropriate he was being? Why is this a systemic problem when anybody reading MariNaomi's account instantly knows this guy is being a creepy jerk? Even Lobdell couldn't see it at the time because, I'm assuming, this is his standard behavior. Let me try to shed some light on the phenomenon. Perhaps some guys will recognize this behavior in themselves and realize that they're constantly making women feel how MariNaomi felt after this encounter.

Before I start, I also know that people will think I'm somehow making excuses for Lobdell. Holy fuck, you've misunderstood if you reach that conclusion. I'm just trying to explain how a person can act so predatory without realizing they're acting that way. They actually think they're "joking" or, worse yet, "flirting" as they continue to make a bigger and bigger ass of themselves. What I am about to say may also explain, to a meager degree, why this is a systemic problem especially in a field and hobby with a much higher degree of not very well socialized males than most other hobbies. Except maybe tabletop wargaming.

A type of guy exists that thinks he's wittier than Oscar Wilde and more charming than some other person who was really charming in movies or literature or history. Dracula, maybe! But this guy's wit relies exclusively on sexual innuendo. My father is one of these people as is one of my really good friends with whom I grew up. As you can see from MariNaomi's account, Lobdell's "humor" fell within that category. Lobdell saw an attractive woman and decided he would "flirt" with her. First off, a professional comic book panel is quite probably not an appropriate place for that. So right off, he has no awareness of how to act appropriately in this space. But he's one of "those guys" and so he believes that his sexual innuendo is the height of flirtation. My friend, DB (I'll call him DB here even though I've mentioned him before!), would find a woman he was attracted to and make sex joke after sex joke. He would really concentrate all of his attention on her and make sure she knew he was interested. And occasionally, one would be. So he would get the pay off and believe he had some kind of game. Therefore he would do this again and again and again. The situation did not matter. The time, the place, the receptiveness of the woman...none of it mattered. If it worked once, it's bound to work again! He and Lobdell and the many more like them don't see that they're not being flattering, or flirtatious, or witty, or endlessly charming. They think it's harmless and everybody is having a good laugh (mostly because they laugh at their own sex jokes uproariously. That wasn't in MariNaomi's account but I bet Lobdell was really making himself chuckle) and if nobody sleeps with anybody by the end of the night, they figure, "Well it was a darn good try and nobody got hurt."

Perhaps it went this way for DB most of the time because laying this kind of shit on hardcore at a bar or a club is actually more expected in that people are, quite often, looking to meet at these kinds of places. And some of them are just looking to get laid that night and don't really care about getting to know said lay. At clubs and bars, if women weren't interested in him, they could walk away, roll their eyes, tell him to fuck off. The problem is that this type of guy thinks this is normal, acceptable, male behavior in every day spaces. How else would you know if somebody wants to sleep with you? Because they can't see that most people aren't going about their day just trying to find somebody to fuck. Sure, some of us are, some days more than others! But you don't treat the office or order your Happy Meal or sit on a professional comic book panel and decide you're going to turn it into your own version of The Dating Game (and by "dating" I mean "fucking" but since there has yet to be a show on television called "The Fucking Game," I didn't think that would work as well). You can tell Lobdell thought he was merely flirting harmlessly even in MariNaomi's version because of how he reacts to her husband being in the audience. Ignoring the patriarchal ramifications of the fact that he apologizes to the husband because that will get covered elsewhere, you can tell Lobdell thought his behavior was actually acceptable to MariNaomi because it was, to him, flirting. Somehow, to Lobdell, sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo (and bouts of creepy touching) are things guys do and women expect it and don't mind. But, again to Lobdell's senses, you are stepping over a line when you do these things while the person's partner is watching. I'm fairly certain without all the hubbub on the internet, Lobdell would have thought the appropriate "apology" was, "Why didn't you tell me your husband was in the audience?! Now I feel like a jerk because of your inaction!"

So yeah, Lobdell probably, at the time, didn't think he was doing anything wrong. And guys do this all the time. They don't look at what they're doing from the woman's point of view. They don't try on their "Am I Being Creepy?" Cap and adjust their behavior accordingly. Like a cat knocking the lamp on your head so you'll get up to feed it, these guys have done something one time that got a desired result and decided to continue to do that shitty behavior over and over and over.

I don't have any kind of solution for this! I suppose we can bring back the art of slapping. But that's already too late! At that point, you're teaching women how to deal with slimeballs. Sure, it might be satisfying but the guy is still ruining your day with his inappropriate behavior (and even using the phrase "inappropriate behavior" makes it sound like I'm making light of this shit). People think, "Just teach guys not to be dicks." And while that's fine and dandy for people that understand how to not be a dick, it's going to have no effect on sociopaths that don't actually have the capacity to know if they're being a dick or not or to guys, like Scott Lobdell, who have learned some serious bad behaviors which they don't recognize as being bad. Now that Scott's been called out on it, will he do it again? Oh yeah, probably. If he's referring to the incident as if it were just one person not getting his sense of humor, you can bet he'll do it again. Because he was just having a laugh, right?!

This shit is too heavy for this blog. How am I supposed to make a dick joke now without feeling like a fucking monster?! I should probably reread that shit I just typed out like a crazy person to fix anything that makes me sound sympathetic to Scott Lobdell but I hate rereading shit I just wrote! I might feel the need to delete it all! Because I'm not sympathetic to Mr. Lobdell! Anybody that's followed this blog for any time fucking knew that before this incident. Hell, it was my readers that alerted me to the incident!

Dammit. All I wanted to do was read Superman Loves to Make Inappropriate Passes at Wonder Woman #3 without saying anything that anybody could get mad at me for and now I have to worry about getting lambasted for the previous bullshit. Oh well. Time to read my fucking comic book.

Wow. I really thought it would be much later than Issue #3 when Cat found the data stick with the pictures of Superman and Wonder Woman dry humping over a field in Smallville. The data stick should be in the shape of a bat though!

The next page shows Superman sitting on the moon with the Earth and the sun in the background and it's labeled "The Dark Side of the Moon." Okay, yeah. I'm going to give you this one but only on a technicality, Soule and Daniel! Because, I suppose, Superman can be right on top of the moon in a spot that remains dark on the ground but still allows the sun to hit Superman who is sitting up a few feet above the surface. But I'm very close to calling you out on this bullshit!

But after reading the dialogue between Superman and Batman, I can call bullshit on Tony S. Daniel and this panel! Superman has gone to the Dark Side of the Moon so that he can be out of the sunlight! He's trying to drain off all the excess power blasted into him by Apollo, so he obviously doesn't want to be getting any sun at all. But look at him! He's still just fucking sitting in sunlight!

And even if he was on the "dark side of the moon," that wouldn't necessarily mean he was out of the sun since the entire surface of the moon (except for maybe areas around the poles. I don't know the moon's tilt!) winds up getting sun at one point or another.

Superman also came to the moon to be away from people since he can barely contain his power right now. So as long as he's on the moon and not getting too much light, I guess this page is acceptable. But it's really coming as close as possible to disemboweling my cow! That means inverting my dick. Flipping my nipples? Making me angry! You must recognize that saying! You'll have to forgive me. When I get really agitated, sayings from the homeland just bubble to the surface. The homeland is Malaga, Spain. The sayings are entirely made up in my fantasy version of Malaga, Spain.

Did you realize my ancestral homeland is now a huge getaway for British tourists? My mitochondrial DNA would probably hardly even recognize the place now!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman and Hessia are out shopping for a Christmas Present for Superman. Hessia gives Diana the advice everybody gives everyone which actually doesn't make anything any easier: "It's the thought that counts." That's the problem with getting gifts! Because there has to be some kind of thoughtful revelation behind why you purchased the thing you purchased for the person you purchased it for! It would be much easier if the thought didn't fucking count! "Here's a gift card to Chili's. Enjoy the fuck out of that, Grandma!" See? So much easier.

Fuck. According to my Father-in-Common-Law and his new wife, I'm a Mexican Wrestler that loves to drink.

For well over a decade, my policy has been, "Do not get me gifts." And yet my Step-Mother-in-Common-Law continues to feel the need to get me gifts I don't use. When does it become insulting that she just isn't listening to me? I always feel I have to be nice and accept it and acknowledge it but now that I've seen it in light of the Scott Lobdell Incident, I'm going to slap her this Christmas if she hands me a present!

Batman and Superman continue to have one of those conversations that should be in every book in The New 52 between all the characters always and all the time! It's a lot of words for one page but comic books (especially twenty page comic books) need many, many more pages like this. Every page doesn't have to be blanketed by speech balloons like some of the Silver Age comic books would do. But a few pages where things are calm and heroes are having deeply touching and serious conversations with each other? Fill those pages with as many words as possible! Tony S. Daniel can do a big double page spread later.

Meanwhile in North Africa, Zod makes up for all that reading by appearing in about six straight pages where the only phrase repeated is "Min Fadlak." I think that means, "Water for a hand job, sir?"

Justice League America arrives on the scene first because they have a Breacher Finder named Justice League of America's Vibe. Or maybe just Vibe. Being that they don't quite realize they're facing off against a Kryptonian, Martian Manhunter pulls his punches and gets his ass kicked. Vibe, well, do I need to say anything more about Vibe's participation? Steve Trevor is there too but he just points and issues commands that don't help. And Hawkman strikes Zod with his mace. And since it's not a Kryptonite Mace, Zod barely even feels it. Luckily Superman and Wonder Woman show up since they're the only ones that stand a chance, what with this being their comic book and all.

Aaaawkwaaaard!...is what some other blogger might say. I prefer, "Threeeeesooooome!"

While tied up in Diana's rope, Zod apologizes for his actions and asks about Faora. But Faora has not come over yet. Doomsday did though! Perhaps he cut in line and took her place? Or ate her? Trevor wants to take Zod back to A.R.G.U.S. but Superman and Wonder Woman decide to take Zod with them. I'm sure the Fortress of Solitude has room in the zoo.

Well fuck, Clark. I was just kidding!

Zod doesn't mind being shoved in this prison for the time being, after all, he has just come from The Phantom Zone. But he also knows that Superman will be eager to learn of Jor-el and will be easy to manipulate. He also needs to lay low until Faora emerges from The Phantom Zone to keep her safe. So now that that's through, Diana decides to give Clark his Christmas Present which is time off for a good snog.

Jesus. It's just getting sexy and then a close-up of Clark's ear? Disgusting!

The ear is because Superman suddenly hears everyone talking about how he and Wonder Woman are now an item. I guess Clarkcatropolis.com finally has its first big story!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. Even with such a large swath of this thing being Zod voiceless in the desert, it felt like quite a bit of story for one issue. And speaking of Christmas presents, I know I just went on and on about how my policy is to not accept presents but that's because when your name is just arbitrarily added to somebody's shopping checklist, you never get anything good like time! But if anybody wants to get me a present for all the good, hard, dick joke free blogging I've done over the last two years, I'll accept this: Deadpool Collection by Gail Simone.

Zod #1

"Holy fuck it hurts this is the worst mutant super power ever!"

Really? Did we need a comic book about Zod? I guess 52 villains were too many for DC. After filling out 40 issues with Batman villains, the editors just sat around scratching their heads trying to figure out what other villains exist in the DC Universe. And somebody came up with Zod. Probably as a joke. And probably to justify some interoffice sexual harrassment with that whole kneeling line. But someone figured Zod had been mentioned as being in the Phantom Zone over in Action Comics and his character kind of made an appearance in the shitty World of Krypton back-up story in Action Comics (and one chapter in Superman Annual #2, just to fuck with people interested in following the story. That wasn't me, by the way). Oh! And wasn't he in that little movie they did recently that was seemingly about Superman but got the character so fucking wrong that it couldn't possibly have been? So why not Zod?! People say his name all the time when demanding fealty from others and just before flipping over cars.

So far what I've learned from Villains Month: Scientists are awful, immoral bastards that will do anything to prove how much smarter they are than everybody else.

Have any of the Villains so far had religious backgrounds? I think 1/3 in the first two weeks have been scientists. A couple were simply just dicks from the start, so let's give a shout out to Mongul and Lobo. But I guess if you're from space, it's easier to accept that you're vile and evil without having to have a lousy dead and a shitty mother. Or shitty dad and lousy mother, just in case anyone had a problem with why I used which adjective for which parent. Why did I? Totally random.

Hmm. Maybe I should make a list!

7 Scientists:
Grodd
Cyborg Superman
Relic
Mr. Freeze
Brainiac
Poison Ivy
Zod

5 Family Troubled:
Deadshot
Reverse-Flash
Count Vertigo
Black Manta
The Joker (Yeah, well, who the fuck really knows, right?)

2 Fame Seekers:
Ventriloquist
The Creeper

2 Laborers:
Darkseid (although my theory puts him as a scientist, the myth places him as a mudgrubber)
Solomon Grundy

3 Dick for Dick's Sake, (being a):
Mongul
Trigon
Lobo

5 Miscellaneous:
Two Face (Lawyer)
Court of Owls (Family Practice)
Riddler (Puzzle Enthusiast)
Desaad (Torturer)
Bizarro (Medical Testing)

List over! Back to reading the comic book! As you may have noticed, I still have Harley Quinn's issue to read before I'm done with the first two weeks.

Zod and his family are suddenly attacked by gigantic savage beasts because that's what happens when you practice science! You always go too far into things mankind should not know! And then when Zod's father is about to die, writer Greg Pak actually brings up a bit of the point I've been mocking about how horrible and immoral those scientists are.

Stupid atheist scientists! Always pushing up against God's will, poking and prodding and trying to discover things that only God should know, and then they fucking demand that he save them when divine punishment is meted out! Jerks!

I'm beginning to think maybe science shouldn't be taught in schools in the DC Universe. I'm just thinking of everybody's safety!

One year after Zod's parents are killed, Zor-el and Jor-el wind up being the people to rescue Zod and bring him back to civilization. Fifteen years after that, Zod is a Colonel in the Kryptonian Military who would rather practice fighting simulations than party at a Grand Revel. He seems to have a fairly friendly relationship with the El brothers though. Even if Zod still prefers monsters over people.

Eventually the Char (a race from a neighboring planet that loves to attack Krypton because why not?), get this, attack Krypton! Zod and his friend Faora and Nomnom are the only ones prepared for the battle. They save Krypton and show the people of Krypton that building up your military to ridiculous levels is the only way for a society to be prepared for any onslaught. Even though this onslaught was, you know, just stopped by three people.

Can anybody say, "False Flag"? I knew you could.

I'm sure Zod, being a lover of monsters, created these "Char" from some of the last of the dangerous creatures brought back from the island where his parents were killed. And now Krypton's military is going to spread unchecked under the auspices of General Zod. But eventually (as seen in the World of Krypton story (I think. I really wasn't paying much attention to it)), Jor-el and others will put a stop to their fascist ways. That's probably when Zod winds up in the Phantom Zone. And the next few pages will probably repeat a bunch of that stuff I just said. So now I'm only reading to find out how he escaped from the Phantom Zone.

Zod sends a bunch of drones to wipe out the Char on Akron even though the Char are only children and mothers. Or something. I guess that was just the most sympathetic scene to show being blasted to shit. But Jor-el, being a scientist and excellent observer of stuff, notices that Zod lied to everyone.

I'm an excellent sniffer-outer of false flag operations. Here's the trick: you just fucking call everything a false flag operation. Then when one is proven to have been, you pat yourself on the back. And when an operation hasn't been proven to be a false flag, you just shake your head and mutter, "Wait and see. Just wait and see." Eventually you or your opposition dies and you're never proven wrong!

Oh! Who wants to be his next line is something like, "One day, you will kneel before me!"?

Darn. He doesn't say that. He says, "I will always be your monster." Meaning he will always teach the Kryptonians how to use their fear to become the most vile, violent, despicable people they can be. All in the name of freedom and liberty and survival, of course! I didn't mean it in a bad way! I meant it in the American sense!

The issue ends with Zod and Faora and Nomnom still in the Phantom Zone. But they're ready to escape any time Superman needs to be made stronger!

Zod #1 Rating: This was a decent story about Zod. The only problem is this: I don't know why I needed a decent story about Zod. I suppose he'll be making an appearance in Batman Loves Superman at some point since this was written by Greg Pak. Or maybe he'll be the next antagonist in Action Comics once Scott Lobdell's mixed-up psionic story comes to a confusing and unsatisfying end.