World's End #5

Solomon Grundy sucks at wearing masks.

This issue is called "Emerald Quest." Is that a pun? I would have called it "Ermahgerd Querst" and Alan Scott would be all, "Ermahgerd! Serlermern Gerndah!" And Solomon Grundy would be all, "Ermahgerd!" And I would keep on cracking up and shouting, "Ermahgerd!"

I wonder if Earth-2's version of Amethyst (Ermahtherst!) will show up since we're going on an Emerald Quest. I bet it turns out the Emeralds are really space travelers and their ancestors had to transform into Emeralds to survive and they lost their magical emerald abilities because they remained too long in their gem form and forgot who they were and had lots and lots of half-emerald children who eventually wanted to learn where they came from so they went on their Emerald Quest and never, ever got a movie even though Marv Wolfman practically promised me right to my face ten years ago that the Elfquest movie was going to happen! I guess I'm just lucky he didn't rewrite the script so that all the elves were raped by a villainous space demon rapist.

As Queen Lantern and Solomon Grumpy try to battle, The Green steps between them and insists they fist and make up.

The Green is a tree with bosoms!

Alan Scott doesn't seem perturbed by the sudden appearance of The Green. But then Alan Scott is gay. Also I might not really know what "perturbed" means.

Three pages are wasted on Mera not revealing what she's going to unleash on the world now that she doesn't care what happens to it. She's all, "Dark things live in dark places! Hungry things live in hungry places!" And then she kneels before a face carved into a rock wall where the cave is the mouth with lots of scary teeth around it. That's probably where the scary thing she's going to unleash lives. I bet her secret weapon is Starro!

Boo! Solomon Grumpy works for no man! Or Earth Spirit! Or woman who has crashed through the glass ceiling in her business skirt and power heels!

The Green mentions that other colors rule Earth-2 with her. The White which represents the living atmosphere. The Blue which represents the hopeful ocean. The Red which represents the angry living things. The Yellow which represents the fearsome dandelions. The Indigo which represents the compassionate future children. The Violet which represents Hallmark. And the Orange which represents the selfish orange.

Master Comic Book Reader!

Sure, sure. Starro hasn't appeared yet! But look at that panel! It's a star fucking someone's face! Totally Starro's modus operandi!

Back in London, The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, Doctor Cocoa Puffs, and Hawk Cop strip Famine naked and hang a mirror in front of her. The plan is to force her to "experience the same fate" to which she has "already doomed so many." That seems an awful lot like fat shaming!

Over on Amazonia (try not to get whiplash as we ping pong back and forth amongst the various plot threads), Sloan reveals that he's been working on a secret spaceship with technology that even Apokolips has never seen. And Mister Terrific has been working on a contraption called a Boom Sphere which can kill gods. When did these guys have time to create such horrible weapons of war? Isn't it the military who is supposed to twist science into imaginative ways of killing the most people in the quickest amount of time? Shouldn't these science guys simply be working on equations and theories?

Okay, Sloan is an Evil Mr. Smarty Pants, so I expect it from him. But Mister Terrific?! No wonder he winds up dooming Earth-The-Main-One.

And finally in the Geneva Firepit, Replacement Batman and his team stumble upon one of Apokolips's secret experiments.

No! Why bring Superman back? Now Val-el is just going to be some second rate chump that refuses to punch stuff. I mean, that's what he is already! But now it'll be obvious even to stupid readers!

World's End #5 Rating: No change. I thought the Horsewomen of Apokolips were going to be truly terrifying and wreak a ton of havoc and introduce Earth-2 to their dogs of war and kill lots and lots of silver age heroes? But they've barely made any kind of impression at all! Do you think Daniel H. Wilson has a plan for this book? Or do you suppose DC just told him that he has to reach a specific end condition within a certain amount of time and he and Marguerite and Mike can just make up whatever shit they want week to week as long as Earth-2 eventually winds up where DC needs it for their ongoing stories? I think Daniel H. Wilson should tell me what his plan is so that I can tell everybody that he knows what he's doing and to trust him. I promise I won't spoil it for anybody else!

Worlds' Finest #26

So many capes!

Every time I see the trailer for Dolphin Tale 2, I get all riled up and offended and my hackles go all "sproing!" It is such a dehumanizing story about dolphins. It's possible my problem with the movie is that I'm approaching it from already humanized dolphins, so you might point out that I'm overreacting. Maybe humanizing dolphins is the reason somebody thought this movie was a good idea! Who wants to go see a movie where people are inspired and learn about hope from a hopeless, intelligent creature being held in captivity? Just imagine how offended you would be if this movie took place in 1833 and Winter was a slave on some Southern plantation?

* * * * *

The trailer opens with a beautiful Southern Belle, Sadie, welcoming some older, white gentlemen in white suits to her palatial estate overlooking her cotton fields. "Hey everybody! How's it going today?" Also imagine that the producers, directors, writers, and actors decided that anachronisms weren't going to hurt their inspirational teen flick, mostly because I can't be bothered with all that in this quick sketch of a thoroughly offensive movie I'm about to describe. Winter, the house slave, steps up and offers everybody some lemonade, "fresh as a raccoon's biscuit."

"Looks like Winter's particularly playful today," says Sadie as she flashes a smile at her guests and shoots daggers at Winter. A young slave girl runs up and belches and everybody onscreen laughs as the main title appears: A Slave's Tale 2. This is followed with "The most extraordinary slave in the world will face his greatest challenge." Perky, upbeat music plays as we see the nearly corpsified local doctor speaking with Sadie. "Your house slave, Winter...he's not doing well, Sadie." Sadie's younger sister rubs Winter's head as he sits on the porch staring blankly over the bright green, nearly mile long front lawn, a small pair of clippers lying at his feet, something in his right hand hidden by his leg. The doctor says, "Does he do much housework?"

"Hardly any," replies Sadie.

"Have you tried bribing him with bacon?" asks the doctor. Sadie stares at the doctor incredulously. "It works for my cat," he drawls, and they both smile wide as a tear drops from Winter's eye to splash the small, hemp doll he holds, unnoticed, in his right hand.

The scene shifts to Sadie and the Doctor speaking in a luxurious parlor. "Winter needs to be paired with another female, and soon," warns the doctor as the music shifts to a nervous, unsure rhythm. Sadie's younger sister and brother sit by nervously wringing fancy lace something or others.

The scene shifts to a dark night out on the front lawn with the stark white estate in the background lit by electric lights. The Doctor, Sadie, Sadie's siblings, and several neighbors stand anxiously upon the dirt drive. Half a dozen men ride up with torches, a woman with a bag on her head and tied to a rope stumbling behind them trying to keep pace. "The local constabulary just picked up a runaway. It's a female." The lead man gets down off his horse, hands the torch to another and pulls the woman up from where she's collapsed in a heap. He removes the bag and an "Awwww!" rises up from the throats of the gathered onlookers. The woman spits and screams and breaks down into fits of crying as the gathered white people smile at each other and tilt their heads in the way people tilt their heads when they're looking at something extraordinarily cute and/or valuable.

The Doctor shouts nervously, "We've got to get her to her kind fast!"

"I'll take her myself!" Sadie runs forward in her majestic dress and tenderly helps the young woman to her feet. "Come on, girl," she whispers in that way slave owners whisper to slaves and furniture and the chickens. Her siblings rush behind her as Sadie takes the woman into the slave bunkhouse, setting her down on an empty bed where the woman curls up into a hitching, sobbing ball of tears and anger. "Now all we can do is hope," says Sadie.

"Hope," says Sadie's little sister. "That's her name."

A short montage gives the impression of some days passing as Hope is given clothing, and fed, and shown what chores she'll be responsible for around the slave bunkhouse. Hope stands rigid while holding a spade and staring at a tiny grave marker by the far corner of the bunkhouse. Sadie's brother watches and says, "Can we talk about putting her to work in the house with Winter?"

Sadie, aghast, says, "You can't just throw two slaves in the house together!"

"If they don't like each other! We'll lose Winter!" Sadie's brother stamps his foot and runs, crying, back into the house, ignoring Winter sitting on the stoop shining a pile of shoes.

The scene shifts to a long dining table full of silver everythings and sumptuous foods. Winter stands nearby with a pitcher of Iced Tea as the family talks about what they can do to save Winter. The music becomes inspirational and upbeat. "What are we supposed to do?"

"It's a big world, Sawyer," says the Doctor who came by for some roast suckling and peach pie. "You have to shake it up now and then."

"I know Winter!" Sadie's younger sister, Sawyer, proclaims as she slams the silver gravy tureen down upon the table. Winter flinches as he stands behind her ready to pour some tea as soon as a glass is half emptied. "If we don't give him this chance, what do we do? I don't want to look back on this knowing we didn't even try!"

"Sawyer's right," says Sadie's younger brother, Little Sadie. The little slave girl from earlier runs in and says, "Yumm yumm!"

"My sentiment's exactly!" says the old Doctor as everybody congratulates themselves on their newly awakened inspiration to do something inspiring and save Winter although they don't know what that will be yet. I mean, they know it won't be setting him free or anything. At this point, the music really kicks in so that the audience knows the white people are about to get some serious shit done for Winter and Hope!

Then there's a fifteen to twenty second montage of Sawyer and Little Sadie doing amazing things over lines like "Believe" and "the strength of white people" and "the power of delusion" and lyrics like "No matter what they put us through!" and "I believe in me and you!" until the trailer settles back down on Sawyer and Little Sadie watching Winter and Hope standing somewhat apart from each other but both staring down at something near the far corner of the bunkhouse.

"We don't know for sure if slaves feel friendship, but it feels like they do," Sawyer says to Little Sadie as Winter and Hope both drop to their knees and begin rending their garments. "That's not a bad thing."

Sadie appears on screen again saying, "Is everybody set?" She's standing before the slaves bunkhouse. "Okay. Send Hope!" She opens the door where Winter can be seen sitting on the edge of a bed naked, shadows hiding anything that shouldn't be seen in a trailer for a family movie. Hope is pushed and prodded into the bunk in a white, gauzy dress. Sadie and her family and all the white, rich neighbors look on expectantly, hugging and grinning wide as the final title credit comes up: A Slave's Tale 2. The music continues, "I believe! I believe in you!"

The screen goes dark for a moment before returning to show the little slave girl once again spinning around and banging into the porch window as a young white boy down the way and Little Sadie stand inside watching. "What is wrong with that nigger?" says the neighbor.

"Where do I start?" says Little Sadie, shaking his head in sad trombone resignation. The little girl belches blood and the music ends and "Fucking Never" appears on the screen. That's the month this movie is going to come out!

* * * * *

Okay then! How about we read a comic book?

Power Girl and The Huntress have arrived on Earth 2 during the Battle of the Worlds' Biggest Boom Tube! Now, they never appeared in Earth 2 during the battle but I imagine, judging by the cover, they'll wind up in the part of the battle that wasn't shown while The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick took care of business with Aquawoman.

Back on New Earth, Doctor Spears learns that she's now not only rich but powerful to boot!

Lucky for New Earth, Desaad also made it through the portal. Also lucky for The Huntress and Power Girl because that was really fucking irresponsible of them to leave him behind! He could have killed everybody! Or at least a few dozen people before Batman stopped him.

While Desaad is busy trying to get back to Apokolips via the great big new Boom Tube and Tanya Spears is getting checked out for new super powers, Power Girl and The Huntress head off to confront Val-el and Replacement Batman. But apparently that won't happen in this issue because 17 year old Tanya Spears is the focus of this one. Her and her new super powers and her physics professor that believes in God because he wants it to be true and not because he has any evidence for it.

Never trust a scientist that feels he needs to make up answers to questions he can't yet answer.

Earlier the professor says, "There's no conflict between science and the spiritual in my view, simply two ways of looking at the universe." True! One way looks at the universe and what it does and says, "Okay. Look at that. That's how that works." The other looks at the universe and says, "I hope my ego lives forever! Let's pretend that's a thing!"

Finally, Tanya learns that she not only received loads of cash from Karen but the name "Power Girl" as well. How exactly did Karen transfer her Kryptonian powers to Tanya?! I bet she used some technology she fucked away from Michael Holt!

Worlds' Finest #26 Rating: No change. There's a new, very young, super smart Power Girl in town! What team is she going to join first?! I hope she joins Justice League Canada because that's the best Justice League out there. Although they already have Supergirl so she might be redundant. Although they can probably be really good friends! They're both young and powerful. I think that should be one of the World's Finest team-ups! Also, I should say that I stand by my "A Slave's Tale 2" trailer. I actually think it's well done! Not the main story! The other story! The one the white people can't see!

Worlds' Finest #25

Do I have to think up stupid nicknames for The Huntress and Power Girl now? How about "Super Cousin" and "The Other One. You Know, The Brunette. The One That Was Scowling All Night In The Corner." Maybe I'll work on those.

People don't really like to read anymore unless you number the paragraphs and start out with a headline that assures people that they will be done reading in just a few easy steps. So I'm going to just start writing my own Cracked articles but not submit them to Cracked because I hate that fucking site. Why don't they just write funny lists about advertisements or lists of links to other articles about advertisements? Not that I'm above making money! If I knew what the fuck I was doing, you'd be reading a pop-up ad right now instead of my stupid bullshit! Anyway, here's my Cracked Article that doesn't appear on Cracked!

Top Five Literary Sequels If The Author Used Current Sequel Naming Conventions!

Before I get to Number Five (you do these lists backwards, right? If not, just renumber them the way you'd like them to be renumbered. But in your head! Don't try to hack my site and change the source code, asshole!), let me just say that the title could probably use some improvement. But from what I understand about Cracked, the article writers don't get to name their articles anyway (unless they come up with an exciting and clever way of introducing their list which makes sure readers know they're reading a relatively short list that will be split across at least two pages of ads)! I think they have Article Naming Monkeys that know the exact formulas for Link Baiting. I don't have access to a deep reservoir of business geniuses, so I just had to come up with my own title. You shouldn't have been expecting much if you'd read my new nickname for The Huntress.

5. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
After the legend of Bromden's successful escape attempt at Wacky Acres Loony Bin for People Society Can't Stand to Look At or Listen To Anymore, two new inmates decide to attempt an escape of their own! Wacky hijinks ensue as Nurse Ratched doesn't just lose her top this time because naughty bits really need to escalate in the sequel! The entire book is narrated by lobotomized McMurphy in an artistic tour de force of style by, possibly, a thoroughly inebriated Ken Kesey! Did you ever see his play about the environment starring the characters from The Wizard of Oz? What the fuck was that mess?!

4. Bitter Friday by John Steinbeck
So you couldn't get enough stories about Doc living down on Cannery Row, hunh?! Well here's one more! This time, Doc wakes up one Friday afternoon from a blackout induced by too many beer milkshakes the night before. What did Doc get up to the previous night? Who did he offend? How many stories can this setting really bear? Some might say not this many! Learn the mystery of the otter wearing the women's undergarments! Marvel at the amount of times Steinbeck tries to describe the smell of the ocean! Try to figure out the five levels of subtext that he's jammed into the story of an old man with pissy britches!

3. Houses of Leaves By Mark Z. Danielewski
If you thought the book with just one house was confusing, try a book about a whole suburban development full of crazy houses! Just trying to figure out how to read the book is a mystery since it's published on six interlocking Möbius strips with text that can be read backwards and forwards with no perceptible starting point! White font on barely off-white paper will have you not only wondering what the hell is going on in this book but if there is even a book to fucking read! Art for art's sake has never been so artsy!

2. Catch-23 by Joseph Heller
Fuck yeah, I know Catch-22 already had a sequel! But it should have been named this! And it should have been different because it was less of a one trick pony than Heller's one trick pony, Something Happened! If he had titled the sequel Catch-23 instead of Closing Time, then at least people might have realized it was a fucking sequel! I'd have more to say about this if I could remember anything more about Closing Time other then it was about hard water or something.

1. Dante's Infer-YES! By Dante
Don't get all uppity with me! I know it was actually called Commedia! But nobody ever reads anything but Inferno in The Divine Comedy anyway! It's like all you readers want to do is argue! Just fucking read my shit and get over yourself, okay? Anyway, the sequel to Dante's Inferno, Dante's Infer-YES! is about the protagonist (Dante? Was it Dante? When did I last read this shit?! How long ago was college? How many mushrooms was I on?) returning to Hell with a van full of kegs and weed! It's PARTY TIME, BITCHES! Get your head out of that barrel of shit and drink up, fuckers! Thaw out Satan and tell him to spit out Judas so he can shove some jello shots down his damnation hole! And don't anybody mention this rager to the suicides because we're trying to get our happy on down here and don't need any of their depressing bullshit killing our unrighteous buzzes! FUCK YEAH DUDES!

So that's the end of my Cracked Article that nobody will ever read because it's actually titled "Worlds' Finest #25" and that will only interest people that want to see scanned pictures of Power Girl's boobs.

Oh yeah! That's the stuff!

Mmm-hmm! Here's more of the stuff!

And the stuff just keeps on coming!

Holy shit! Cupcake tonguing?! Now I'm coming!

There were more pictures but suddenly I'm not so interested for some reason.

Power Girl and The Huntress are preparing to head home by doing things like giving their money to their former assistant's daughter and pouting about how they're not invulnerable and will probably die quickly back on Earth-2. Well, they're not both doing those things. One is doing one and the other is doing the other one. And while they walk around the park on their last day on New Earth, they both have the same sized breasts for some reason. I mean, Desaad is also planning on going back to Earth-2 with them.

Back at the lab, Gerhard and Spears prepare the equipment to send Karen and Helena (and Desaad) home.

I guess, technically, stealing technological secrets from Michael Holt doesn't discount her "self-made" status.

Finally, there's a big battle where Power Girl knocks Desaad into the ceiling and then she and The Huntress walk through the portal back home. Seems a bit irresponsible to leave all of her money to Tanya Spears and then to also leave Desaad in the lab with her. Seems like a waste of lawyer fees. Anyway, Desaad would rather go through the portal than stay behind and possess Tanya Spears. But if he can't make it through the portal, I'm sure Tanya will pay the price.

Worlds' Finest #25 Rating: No change. I really thought this would be the last issue with Power Girl and The Huntress but it looks like we need an issue where they get acclimated to life back in the war zone that is everywhere on Earth-2. I've got to say that I really liked the art team of Tyler Kirkham and Joe Weems/Art Thibert. I can't tell which inker I liked more because they weren't credited for specific pages even though you could see the look of the book did take on a different look in a few places, most noticeably in the lab. Although the cover is a pisser for fans of Earth-2 that were expecting part of the story, at least, to take place on Earth-2. I guess the covers got ahead of the story a bit. Anyway, I've really enjoyed most of the run of this comic book with Karen Starr and Helena Wayne. I've read that the next pairing will be Earth-2 Superman and Batman (not Replacement Batman and Val-el but the originals). That's really not very exciting since we already have enough Superman and Batman books, even if these are technically different characters than the guys in the other books. Hopefully the World's Finest pairings will change a lot more often now that they're establishing that the series won't revolve around just the besties from Earth-2.

Worlds' Finest #23

I truly do not understand the fascination with finding a way home.

I suppose home, for me, was my grandparents' house. My mom raised me and my sister on her own and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They were my favorite people in the whole world. My grandfather died about ten years ago. He spent about a week in the hospital before he died, so I was able to fly down and be with him a few more times before he went. His most pressing concern was what the weather was like in Portland. I held his hand and told him everything he wanted to know. Later, after he was gone, my cousin and I sat up all night drinking some kind of alcohol we'd found stashed behind his desk that housed his Ham radio (XXXXX was his handle (I just looked it up online and found his name and address under it, so I censored myself. It seems his license expired in 2010 though)), playing cribbage, telling stories, and crying our asses off.

Speaking of his HAM Radio, my grandfather had an antenna tower in his backyard that must have been fifty feet high which he installed himself. When I was in high school, he purchased a Commodore 64 because one of his ham radio friends had homebrew cartridges that could be hooked up to a telegraph key so he could practice his Morse Code. I spent many days during high school sitting next to him as he talked on his Ham radio and I played computer role playing games on the Commodore 64. He was always very excited to make contact with people in new places or to occasionally catch messages from the space shuttle.

I only knew one person more kind and caring than my grandfather, and that was my grandmother. The last few times I spoke with her on the phone, she had to keep asking me who I was. But she also kept assuring me that she loved me, whoever the fuck I was. I shouldn't swear while saying that! I don't know if I ever heard her say a curse word. My grandfather would occasionally let one slip when frustrated with some machine or another and we'd embarrass the hell out of him by pointing it out. My grandmother was constantly curious about the world although she never made it very far in school before having to go to work in the orchards and the canneries. Being first generation Spanish American, she was brought up Catholic but I don't think she believed much of anything that had to do with the religion and the church in her later years. She wasn't the type to apologize and make excuses simply because she had been raised a certain way. I remember her telling me once how she couldn't understand why the Catholics were always speaking so poorly of the Jews and that it really made her question the values of the church and its members. Her wedding photo with my grandfather was in formal wear because they were married in the courthouse. Eventually they got married in a church due to the pressures of the church and the times about having children that would be perceived, by some, out of wedlock since they hadn't had a church wedding. She had two children six years apart in a time when Spanish and Catholic families generally had large families. I never asked her but I have a feeling there were some non-church approved methods of family planning going on.

My grandmother tried to instill discipline in her grandchildren by threatening us with the big wooden decorative spoon that hung on the wall. Mostly she just hissed "mal niño" or "mal niña" at us. But she was too nice and couldn't stand to see her grandchildren unhappy or upset. Until the day she died, I could always make her feel bad by reminding her how she made me get up and walk to the back of the house to brush my teeth when I had shingles in second grade. I'm sure she thought I was being overly dramatic about how much it hurt but I assured her the pain was excruciating. And I assured her a lot through the years! I may have just liked teasing her but I think I also loved seeing how much she cared about me by how much that memory hurt her. Not that she'd weep over it when I mentioned it! She always laughed and got a kick out of it but you could hear in her voice how sorry she was that she had any part in causing me any kind of pain.

Anyway, they're all dead and stuff now, so let's talk about something that matters! Like Power Girl's outfit!

So cute! Although I don't know why Power Girl's outfit has made me tear up so much! So weird!

Karen Starr has decided that she doesn't have time for secret identities anymore! She has to find a way home even if it brings TMZ rushing to her lab's doorsteps. Starr Industries has one lab left because all of Power Girl's resources are now being directed at opening a portal home. She saw it done by Kaizen Gammora Jr, so she knows she can eventually do it as well. Especially if The Huntress finds a way to steal all of Kaizen Gammora Jr's files about Project I'd Better Do As Flip The Fuck Out Superman Commands.

Dude, when's the last time you saw a woman with eyes where her vagina should be? Eyes up top, perv!

Karen and her German boytoy test out the equipment and, coincidentally, Boston has a huge blackout. And to make matters worse, Darkseid's boytoy, Desaad, has decided he'd like to prank Boston while their power is out. What a huge joker! Also a massive dick sucker. He just loves massive dicks! Like Darkseid's!

That last paragraph may have seemed like I was immaturely using homosexuality as a way of belittling Desaad but I assure you it was not. It was just facts! Desaad is totally Darkseid's lifemate! Not in the way two loving people become a couple and live the rest of their lives together. But in the kind of way where Peppermint Patty is so charismatic and powerful that Marcy decides to give up everything in her life to wait hand and foot on Peppermint Patty and to, you know, give her adult pleasure when she's feeling tense. Or horny. Or hungry. Or world dominate-y. You know. Whatever. Mr. Burns and Smithers have that kind of relationship too! As did Dick Cheney and George W. Bush! Whoops! That time I was using homosexuality as an immature way to belittle someone. I sometimes find it's worth throwing my ethical values out the window just to see the look on some total asshole's face when I call them gay. Sorry! I'll try to work on that. Unless money is involved. Then fuck my ethics because I'm getting paid!

Meanwhile, The Huntress is breaking in to MIT to steal their Telnet server so she can log in to TinyEARTH2. During the blackout, she runs into three other people breaking into the university to steal their supply of radioactive material. So now she has to deal with that.

This is a thing that is happening as well. Karen's assistant Tanya gets possessed by Desaad. Make your own joke for that. I didn't even want to mention it but thought it might be important later.

As you can see in the panel above, The Huntress's pursuit of the bad guy with the radioactive lunch box brings her into Tanya's story. Even though she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman, the Huntress winds up caught off guard when the car crashes. At least she lands on her feet thanks to her mom's cat skills which she has for some reason. I think it's because her face was once licked by a radioactive cat. That gave her cancer and she died but the lick also gave her new cat powers which enabled her to live again eight more times! Another one of her cat powers was to have a litter with kittens from different fathers. So The Huntress probably has a half-brother out there whose dad is Superman. Anyway, the evil doer takes Tanya hostage and tells The Huntress to jump off the bridge or Desaad gets it.

Worlds' Finest #23 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this comic book series is the interaction between best friends Power Girl and The Huntress. And that didn't happen this issue, so I can't like it as much as I usually like it. But I did like it because it was a good story decently told. Although Desaad could have been a little creepier. And Power Girl could have had sex with somebody for three or four pages. Very slowly. And then hard! And fast! And then slow again! So slow! And then quicker! Quicker! Quick...hmm, I've lost interest now for some reason.

Worlds' Finest #22

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that these two don't actually fight this issue. At most, they might have a minor squabble or inconsequential disagreement.

I was detailing my elementary school achievements during the First Contact storyline but since that only lasted four issues and I managed to stay in school for more than four years, I'll have to continue digging through my past during regularly scheduled episodes of Worlds' Finest. Next up: Third Grade!

My finest award in third grade is also the scariest.

I have no memory of participating in any carnival at all. I was probably forced to do it.

I also received two certificates that seem less like achievements and almost feel a bit insulting. They're fancy certificates for having achieved "basic competency" in math and reading.

Satanic Principal Passarello: "Has this child managed to struggle through our Master's Black Prayer?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Yes, Dark Lord of Haman Elementary. Well enough, I suppose. He seemed to question the veracity of our Evil Master but he managed to recite the Dark Incantation promising his soul to He That Fulfills Our Desires."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good! Good! And has he shown a flair for calculating the proper mix of human blood with rabid dog feces for the Carnival's Punch?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Enh. Competent, at best."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good enough! You may honor him with mediocre awards on shoddy paper stamped with the Unholy Seal of the Santa Clara Unified School District! Go Haman Eagles!"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Go Haman Eagles!"

I also received this outstanding achievement because my Satanic Elementary School was simply obsessed with hooters.

You can see in Woodsy's eyes that he's warning me to run! Run from this evil institution! As fast and as far as I can!

And finally, proof that I excelled in the Dark Arts.

If only I had the work of art here in Portland that was hung in the museum when I was eight. It was of a haunted house, further proof that Darkness and Evil were lauded and awarded at my Satanic Elementary School.

Of the things that could be officially awarded by the school district, those were the extents of my accomplishments in third grade. And what of the Unholy things that could not officially be recognized? Well, those would best go unnamed, wouldn't they?

Last issue of Worlds' Finest left Kara angry at Hel for closing the portal that led back home and, almost assuredly, to pain and torture and near immediate death.

I'm fairly certain that Power Girl lives in a van down by the river.

For this issue, Gamorra will be played by "Gammora." Now please respect our players with silence, turn off your cell phones, and stop tearing open candy bags during the performance.

Kara and Hel stop bickering about the dangers of a now non-existent portal when the last of the ARGUS agents burst into the room to claim all of Kaizen Gamorra Jr's busted up technology. Power Girl decides beating the agents senseless would be better than giving them the technology that she's been looking for for five years.

"Good question"? I guess she's also decided speaking nonsense gives her a tactical advantage.

The Worlds' Finest Girls spend the next few pages beating up ARGUS agents. Speaking of The Huntress as a "girl", she really cannot be seventeen like Batman thought she was a few issues ago (possibly in Batman Loves Superman). Because there is no way she came over to New Earth as a twelve year old. Maybe she was seventeen when she first came over. I'd buy that!

For some reason, The Huntress decides to have a flashback to nearly four years ago. I suppose she could be thirteen in this flashback since the sex slave hunters she's battling refer to her as a kid in a mask. But if she is suddenly that young, it's retroactive! I have a feeling if I reread the older issues of this comic book, I'd feel all oogy by the way they portray her when first coming to New Earth if I'm supposed to believe she was twelve.

However old she is, she defeats the sex slave hunter bad guys and the flashback ends. I don't know why it occurred when it did though! I guess the storyline on New Gamorra was over?

The Huntress heads home to research the technology she stole from Gamorra while Power Girl flies away to think about how hot the bad guy was. There's a lot of that going on in The New 52. Some guy tries to kill a woman. The woman hates him for it but can't stop mentioning how hot and sexy the guy is. Really? Does that really go through someone's mind when thinking about some asshole that just tried to kill you? "Man! If only he hadn't tried to stab me in the face, I'd fuck his brains out!"

While The Huntress discovers whatever I'll find out she discovers on the last page, Kara learns from her lawyers that Starr Industries has been returned to her. She immediately tells them to sell it all, leave her one lab, and get those fat stacks of cash into her bank account as fast as possible. She has a Dimension Tunneler to build!

Are two points of evidence really enough when you're dealing with alternate realities that might differ in only the slightest of ways?

Worlds' Finest #22 Rating: No change. I have only one idea for why that story was shoved in the middle of this comic book. I think some artists couldn't make their deadlines so they split the story into two separate bits and brought in some other artists to finish up the flashback. I don't think the flashback had anything to do with the main story. I suppose it could be setting up a confrontation with the sex traffickers in a future issue. Anyway, as I pointed out, there was no battle between the besties. They bickered a bit and that was it.

Worlds' Finest #21

At least this would solve Earth 2's problem.

While my first grade years were filled with doing nothing but winning one ribbon (a ribbon that summed up my life so far in just one word: WIN. Also, I think the ribbon was once again for picnicking), I really came into my own as a nature lover in second grade.

It's fitting that a raccoon was the mascot of the nature club I joined since, like raccoons, I spend most of my time in the city.

I wonder if this sticker will still stick to glass. It's one of those ancient things that you had to dip in water and apply to surfaces. Sticker technology bit ass when I was a youngster! My Ranger Rick sticker also came with a membership card with the pledge on the back!

I think I failed Ranger Rick in all aspects of his pledge.

I don't think I was very good at being a nature lover. I just wanted the magazine because it had games and pictures of cute animals. I was also quite busy earning my most important award in second grade.

This one didn't come with a pledge but I'm fairly certain I'm still excellent at it. I'm also proud to note I did two tours of Hooter Recognition duty.

Second grade was the only grade of school when I had a young female teacher. Even at the age of seven, I could see the cracks forming in her young, idealistic, optimistic belief that she was going to mold these young minds into respectable, curious, creative individuals. I'm not sure how long she lasted but the fact that one of her students was an arsonist that would often burn papers inside his desk during class might have freaked her out a bit. She might also have been disturbed by my penchant for pointing at her breasts. But hey! It was apparently my gold-star earning duty!

Anyway, let's get back to First Contact where Batman and Superman and Power Girl and The Huntress have just witnessed Kaizen Gamorra Jr open a portal to Earth 2. Power Girl must be pissed since she's been trying to do this for five years with little success! Oh, by the way, I recognize that Power Girl has some hooters. Don't be discouraged if you didn't recognize them. You didn't earn a gold star for it in second grade. I'm a hooter recognizing savant.

Gamorra. Gammora. Whatever. Why should I expect DC to get the name of this island right when they can't even tell the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica?

Power Girl really wants to go through the portal and return home, no matter how horrific the place currently looks. But nobody else wants her to enter it. Well, Kaizen Gamorra Jr wants her to enter it but I think that's just further reason that she shouldn't enter it!

The portal gives Kaizen Gamorra Jr some kind of amazing Omega Powers while R.B. Silva draws everyone with pouty, middle-aged facial features. I mean middle-aged faces that aren't quite as striking to gaze at as my middle-aged facial features. I look like I'm not older than forty two. Maybe because I am forty two. But my hooter recognizing abilities are still as sharp as when I was seven!

To test out the portal, Power Girl suplexes Kaizen Gamorra Jr through it.

If I'd taken high school wrestling, this would have been my signature move. But I'd have added tacos to it.

With the portal still raging dangerously open behind them, Superman and Batman decide they've won and are ready to find a sunset to walk into. But Power Girl still thinks they should enter the portal. The Huntress, showing how fucking smart she is, raises the same concerns that I did. How did Kaizen Gamorra Jr open a portal to Earth 2 when neither The Huntress nor Power Girl could? And they had access to the third smartest man on Earth's technology! And no way is Kaizen Gamorra Jr taking up the #1 or #2 smartest person on Earth. Those spots are probably taken by Lex Luthor and, even though I don't want to give her the spot because she was created by Lobdell (I think), "Doctor" Veritas the Omniologist. But there's no talking Power Girl out of it because she's super stubborn.

Those "strange organ structures" are called ovaries, Clark.

The Huntress decides she'll go with Power Girl instead of doing the smart thing and investigating a bit further. But before they can enter the portal, before Batman can tell them they're stupid doo-doo heads, before even Superman can fly around the Earth really fast and go back in time to stop the portal from opening, a gigantic version of Kaizen Gamorra Jr steps through the portal, followed by Power Girl's Flip the Fuck Out Cousin.

He doesn't love her! He just wants to turn her into Flip the Fuck Out Power Girl!

Parademons also fly through to battle Superman and Batman. Superman thinks about how he isn't at full strength with the nanites still in his system which makes no sense since the nanites made his power uncontrollable. But what do I care if something doesn't make sense? It's probably just my inability to understand it. Just like I thought Cliven Bundy's statements yesterday were racist. But then he provided some more racist statements to prove that he wasn't racist at all! Which made no sense to me but he assured me he wasn't racist, so there's probably something wrong with the way I hear and sort information.

Superman also mentions that the armor is cracking and breaking even though he earlier mentioned how it was nice to not have the armor anymore and that the nanites were nearly gone. I don't think Greg Pak and Paul Levitz should be allowed to write stories together anymore because they're not making any sense.

Anyway, the parademons are defeated whether or not Superman is wearing armor or is full of nanites or knows what ovaries are. And The Huntress destroys the portal after Kaizen Gamorra Jr steps through but before Power Girl can. Which doesn't sit well with Power Girl because somebody needs to talk some serious sense into her.

"Weird as it may have been"? That's your concern? That Earth 2 was "weird." How about that it was on fire and full of parademons and run by a fucked up version of Superman?! That seems more dangerous than weird!

Batman and Superman leave The Huntress and Power Girl to argue about losing their only chance to get home. Superman apparently still has Toymaker's armor on and he's still infected with nanites despite what was said previously in this issue and what happened in Batman Loves Superman #9. I don't care though. I've stopped caring about minor issues like this. How can I complain about a misstep in a story when Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are still ruining monthly comic book series? I need to keep things in perspective and save my rage for more deserving targets.

Worlds' Finest #21 Rating: No change. At least this comic book was on time! I wonder how many readers simply decided to not pick up Batman Loves Superman #9 because they'd already read the conclusion of the story? I bet the number was pretty close to zero because I don't know too many comic book fans that can skip issues of a series they're collecting. I'm sure it bugs the hell out of people to flip through their back issue boxes and notice gaps in the numbering of the comics they've collected. It's bugging me just thinking about it!

Worlds' Finest #20

Before Ward Kendall, Hero of America's Traditional Values (if the only traditional value you're concerned with is having "white" skin, that is), interrupted me in my last commentary, I was about to delve a little bit into my past. One of the thousands of themes that I keep coming back to across my thousand plus comic book commentaries is how little we actually change as people. I suppose it's why people like Ward Kendall have such a hard time dealing with a society that doesn't fit his idea of past tradition. Not that people don't change in a wide variety of ways. But there are essential bits of us that don't come down to our ideology or our religion or our political beliefs. They're aspects of the way we act and approach the world around us. They do not define us but they often control the way we present ourselves to the world around us. Perhaps they're the things that cause other people to attempt to define us. Say a person is deemed "weird" in kindergarten, they are likely to continue to be thought of as weird as an adult simply because they retain the same mannerisms across the years that grate and chafe against what people trying to fit in deem as normative. I'm beginning with some crap my mom kept about my first year of school: kindergarten.

Before I scan in a few artifacts from the time, I should point out that the best piece of evidence that I'm still the same person I was in first grade is currently lost. But I think this other shit is interesting as well. We'll get to Batman soon enough, comic book nerds!

My mother circled "Awards" and "Achievements" as things that were enclosed in the Kindergarten File. Let's just say she's really stretching the definition of those words.

As you can see, I began school at the tender age of four. Although that point might be arguable. I was enrolled in school at four years of age. But seeing that my birthday was just a few weeks later and every day I simply sat by myself refusing to do anything the teacher asked of me for the first one or two months, it's possible I didn't actually "begin" school until I was five. I don't remember what eventually turned me around on the whole school experience. Maybe it was playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals. Or perhaps by the time I wanted to join in, I had met my best friend Judy. Or I might have been lured in by my absolute, all-time favorite activity of Kindergarten (no, not nap-time although, come on! Awesome): playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" I've never in my life done heroin but I imagine it's akin to the feeling of keeping the button in your hands and pretending to pass it on to the child sitting on the carpet next to you. The elation! The power! The screwing over of the masses! It's also possible this game taught me that fucking the system and inciting chaos was the only way to live.

So I was the youngest kid in my class throughout high school. I think that means something about the way I view myself among my peers or something. I'm sure somebody's done a study that I'm supposed to be interested in so that I can lose a little bit of myself and my own individuality by seeing that all kids in the same group wind up the same way. I'm going to blame all of my failures on Youngest Kid in Class Syndrome!

I'm sure I sandbagged this IQ score!

I'm sure my mom was thrilled to think she had some kind of evil genius baby boy only to be betrayed by his declaration that he wanted to be a truck driver.

Apparently we took some bullshit IQ test in Kindergarten to find out which kids should be culled from the herd of average cows. That's what that "MGM Class" note means. I think the "G" stands for gifted but I'm too fucking stupid to figure out what the "M"s stand for. C.W. Haman Elementary decided to drop the gifted class across all grades before this class even began. We wound up having GATE (Gifted and Talented Education. Unless it was actually "Great Access To Evil" since C.W. Haman was apparently a school for budding Satanists) for 4th through 6th Grade only.

Notice how I made no new friends. That will remain consistent throughout school. Not that I didn't have friends (like Judy I mentioned!); it's just that I never told anybody about them.

So what were my achievements in Kindergarten?

Nine stars on a strip of paper, bitches!

A Yellow Ribbon for Participation! And what did I participate in to earn this esteemed badge of honor?

A picnic!

So to sum up Kindergarten: I rocked a fucking picnic, I earned Nine out of Who Knows How Many Stars for some mystery reason, I made no friends because they were all fucking jealous of my "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" skills, and I dreamed of being a truck driver, the meth-fueled backbone of American industry! Mom and Dad must have been so proud at the stellar amounts of potential I was wasting. And I never disappointed them!

So now that I'm done with the discussing me part of this commentary, I guess I'll get back to Batman, Superman, The Huntress, and Power Girl as they tell New Gamorra to knock it the fuck off. First things first: keep Power Girl and Superman from crashing to the Earth from a low level orbit.

I hope Batman winds up having a soft spot for The Huntress. I'm sure when he finds out she knew Damian, there will be some bonding and Bat-Tears (caused by Joker Dust, of course).

I was disappointed when I realized First Contact was going to bounce back and forth between this series and Batman Loves Superman. I understood why! It's a perfect way to present this story. But I was looking forward to Levitz' version since I realized it's going to be more emotional and full of heart. Pak's version was just going to be a lot of Superman and Batman pulling out the Bat-Ruler and comparing penis sizes. Sure, that's exciting and informative but there's a time and a place for it. That time and place is not a story about how my two favorite BFFs from Earth 2 finally meet their familial counterparts on New Earth. Believe me when I say family reunions are not the best time for comparing genitalia.

Power Girl's powers have returned to normal because Superman caught whatever she had (a severe case of Gamorran Nanites, it would appear). Batman slings some Kryptonite around Superman's neck and heads off with Power Girl to stop Kaizen Gamorra from doing whatever despicable thing he's doing. They know it's despicable because he's Kaizen Gamorra. I don't think anybody by the name of Kaizen Gamorra has ever done anything not evil. The Huntress and Superman remain out of the fight because Superman has lost his crazy time powers thanks to Batman's Kryptonite. Eventually a Gamorran Super Soldier comes looking for the Nanites in Superman's body. The Huntress steps up to save the day because Superman is useless. Superman doesn't think he's useless or want to admit that he's useless but he is. Totally useless. Like Aquaman.

The other half is Catwoman! See how I pick up on subtlety! Unless that wasn't subtle. I have a hard time noting subtlety because everything is so obvious to me!

Meanwhile Rorschach Batman and Power Girl infiltrate New Gamorra. They do this by simply flying to the island. Old Gamorra never would have let anybody get this close without their knowledge! I guess the Son of Kaizen Gamorra is a pale copy of his old man. I bet even though he's only half-Kaizen Gamorra, Regulus would not be ambushed by the likes of Batman. Although he was ambushed by Batgirl, so maybe I'm wrong about that.

Batman wants to sneak in like a sneaker but Power Girl thinks Batman is an asshole. I can't argue against that but that doesn't mean her method of invading New Gamorra is any better. Her method is to knock on the front door and make friends with Son of Kaizen Gamorra because he titillates her fancy pants. Not only is he interested in her for the obvious reasons (her strong will and intelligence) but also because her molecules are all left-handed. Left-handed is another way of saying kinky. So I think the next step for these two lover birds is to find a men's bathroom.

Although I just thought of something! If the Nanites were seeking left-handed molecules and those molecules can only come from a left-handed universe, why did the nanites decided to occupy Superman? I guess he's freakier than I first imagined!

Batman discovers via sneaker-mode that the Son of Kaizen Gamorra has been using Power Girl's DNA to build an army of partially Kryptonian Clone-Things. Power Girl doesn't discover this until Son of Kaizen Gamorra gets creepy with her.

He doesn't think he can hurt her. But he thinks his Clone-Things can.

Meanwhile Helena and Kal have arrived on New Gamorra posing as journalists. I'd sooner pose as pedophiles.

Worlds' Finest #20 Rating: No change. So far it seems that nobody likes Batman. I'm not even sure Alfred likes Batman. The only chance of anybody ever liking Batman at all lies with Selina Kyle and I think he's going to reject the fuck out of her because Batman doesn't know how to be loved. Superman, on the other hand, is well liked by almost everybody who knows him even though he's a complete asshole. Batman and Superman had better stop with their childish rivalry since they only have each other.

Worlds' Finest #19

This is an equal match-up because The Huntress was trained by Batman #2 who is far smarter and more experienced than Batman #1. Also, she was trained by Catwoman so Batman #1 might have weird feelings about her. I mean, that training will give her a sexy edge. I mean a fighting edge! Oh, forget everything I just said. I hope these two fuck.

The Huntress has been explicitly calling Batman of New Earth "Not-Dad." And who is more apt to be a romantic interest for a young lady than somebody that is so totally not her father that she refers to him as "Not-Dad"? That isn't creepy at all or anything. Is having them punch each other until one of them ends up in the hospital a better plan? Of course not. Sex is always better than violence even in cases of incest. I'd much rather a mother love her children so much that it winds up in intercourse than have a mother kill her children and fly off in a chariot pulled by dragons.

This issue begins Hentai style.

It's cool, Karen. It probably just wants to cuddle.

Karen is currently mining for diamonds to pay her lawyers bills so she can keep thinking about Shakespeare and boys' asses without worrying about bankruptcy. Little does she know, she's stealing from Aquaman! That will be the next Worlds' Finest crossover: "Boring Contact: The Team-Up Nobody Clamored For!"

Since Power Girl is having money problems paying for lawyers to get her company back from Desaad Industries so that she won't have money problems anymore, Helen is probably going to have to take out another loan from Not-Dad. But Not-Dad is probably keeping a close eye on his bank accounts now that Damian is too dead to do it for him. Also, The Huntress and Batman are on the cover wrestling this month. That's a big clue.

I think R.B. Silva has drawn the Boob Window a bit too low. It's actually more of a Cleavage Window than a 95% Chance of a Nip-Slip Window. I'm fairly certain if Power Girl throws a single punch with this get-up, one tit is popping out of that hole.

Power Girl picks up Helen dressed in pajamas to fly her around New York simply to prove that her powers are working. Which, of course, means that her powers are just about to cut out and cause a bunch of trouble. Helen's advice to Karen is that she needs medical help. And since most doctors on Earth are busy trying to get the right to be like Veterinarians so that they can euthanize most of their patients, Karen is probably going to have to contact Superman or Supergirl. Which means she'll probably wind up meeting Dr. Veritas, Omniologist! If an Omniologist can't cure her then that Omniologist is going to have to think up a new career title.

Once Karen gets pissed off at her lawyers at a meeting and nearly burns down the entire building with her heat vision, she'll probably find it prudent to seek professional help. Luckily Eye Lasers don't look like money so the lawyers don't notice them. Their first instincts are to figure out who they can sue when things start catching on fire.

Meanwhile, Helen takes a walk across the set of "Death: The High Cost of Living."

Karen decides to finally visit Superman while Helena figures it's time to introduce herself to Not-Daddy. I wonder when the aliens are going to appear for First Contact! Oh wait! Superman is an alien! That's what the title means! When Power Girl's heat vision went wonky, I thought maybe the title was First Contacts because she was going to need special contacts to keep her power in check. But before that, I thought maybe this was going to be a Star Trek crossover. But now I get it! First Contact has to do with dogs! Power Girl's first meeting with Krypto and The Huntress's first meeting with Titus. So obvious!

I guess the idea of meeting Not-Dad for the first time has fucked up The Huntress's capacity for logic since she decides the first meeting with Batman should begin with her staking out Wayne Manor and then marching right into the Batcave. Maybe if her problem was not getting her ass kicked by Batman enough, this would be a viable solution. But for meeting Batman without arousing his incredibly paranoid suspicions? Big time failure.

Over his video surveillance, Batman watches The Huntress approach the secret Batcave entrance with her Remote Control Bat-Garage Door Opener. It doesn't work but Batman drops his wi-fi encryption so that The Huntress believes she has made it inside undetected. I wonder what Batman has named his wi-fi signal? Since it's paid for by Bruce Wayne, it's probably something disgusting like "MadBitchz." Got to play the secret identity angle at every turn! Nobody would believe Batman would name his wi-fi connection with anything other than a bat pun. He's probably just call it "Batsignal."

All in all, the meeting begins pretty rationally.

At least nobody has hit anybody on the first page. I bet if Alfred walked in right now, Helen would break down in tears.

I hope they talk about Damian for a bit. But only after Batman's suspicions have been allayed or else he might get extra defensive and scream "What do you know about my son?!" and begin throwing Batarangs everywhere.

The Huntress trips a light sensor and winds up in a cage. Batman calmly asks her to explain herself and she starts with, "It's a long story...". And then the Next Month Blurb says that First Contact begins in Batman Loves Superman #8. Oh fuck. I mean, that makes sense and all. But I'd rather have Paul Levitz doing the non-combat dialogue! I probably wouldn't have worried too much from what I'd read from Greg Pak until that stupid Mongul story arc. Now instead of getting some nice moments between Power Girl and Superman and some nice moments between Batman and The Huntress, we're going to get a bunch of dialogue between one couple interplaying with the dialogue from the other couple, shifting the focus from the melancholy of these ladies' first encounter with their fake relatives to the differences and similarities inherent in the way these men view this odd new relationship in their lives. I don't want to read this encounter from the point of view of Superman and Batman, Goddammit!

Worlds' Finest #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Twenty pages and not one punch was thrown! Okay, a woman was stabbed by a fork but it just played in the background over eating eclairs. I like a comic book that doesn't mind skipping physical threats to give the characters time to just deal with other shit. I suppose if you're not really writing to the characters, the only thing a writer can do is escalate action over and over. It's much easier to make Red Robin react to Harvest or Trigon or The Joker than actually make him an interesting human being named Tim Drake. Or, you know, some other example that doesn't just shit on Scott Lobdell. But those examples are harder to come up with.

Worlds' Finest #18

Superman just took Apollo the Sun God's full load right in his face and he figured out how to handle it. Get a hold of yourself, Kara!

Last issue ended with Kara crashing down out of orbit into whatever river is in New York. Probably The New York river of New York City within New York State. They're not very imaginative up there! I think all of the towns and cities in New York are called New York. It's a really confusing place to visit.

Also, the Shadow Bender got away. And I don't mean Bender as in a robot with a shiny metal ass. I mean Bender as in The Last Airbender cartoon even though I really don't know much about it. I just know they manipulate elements and have tattooed faces and stuff.

The Huntress takes control by remembering that her father once told her to "work with what you've got." The advice was for when she took that job stripping to get through Cat Burglar School but it's fairly applicable in other situations as well, like interviewing for a job or stopping a rampaging Kryptonian from destroying half of New York. And what does The Huntress have? Why, she has a crossbow! And that, really, is about it. So she manages to use one of her trick quarrels to pull Power Girl down into the river which seems like it would probably work to stop a burning woman shooting laser bolts out of her eyeballs.

Oh, it's the East River. So they're even less imaginative than I was giving them credit for.

Even though the East River somehow drains off all of Power Girl's excess power (through osmosis or something!), Kara is still having trouble with her powers cutting out. They leave her once again and she falls woozily into the river. Looks like they're going to have to track down Desaad and hope that his Power Sucker has a switch on it that goes from "Suck" to "Blow." Um, you know what I mean.

Meanwhile there is an interlude where we learn the Shadow Bender is named Tats and she doesn't want the power even though she wished for the power and the power was granted to her by a demon named Xazdi. Now Xazdi expects Tats to cause mischief and chaos and destruction with her power. Tats approached Xazdi with a great big Tumblr Beef with the world and now that he's given her the power to enact some serious fucking social justice, she doesn't actually like the work. But if she doesn't use her Shadow Tattoo Power, she's going to burn up. So she heads back out on the streets to fuck some skinny model shit up.

Then there's one of those moments that I really like about this comic book, when Levtiz is writing to the characters and their overall situation rather than writing to the plot and the current Bad Guy Du Jour.

I think The Huntress's doppleganger would be Helena Bertenelli, right? Except as we saw at the beginning of this series, that was merely one of Helena Wayne's aliases. So The Huntress probably doesn't have a doppleganger. Except this is comic books so she'll probably eventually be surprised to learn there really is a Helena Bertinelli out there!

After Hel and Kara call each other apt names for a bit, they decide to bet on who can find Tats the Arsonist first. My money is on The Huntress because she's practically The Goddamned Batman (maybe even better! Fucking no way New Earth Batman is anywhere near as good as Earth 2 Batman was!) and Power Girl is still having power problems.

And we have a winner! Although what good is winning dinner from Power Girl if The Huntress winds up eviscerated by a pair of Shadow Wolverine Claws?

I have to admit, the above panel is making me feel sexy things in whatever percentage of my being is lesbian. If sexuality is a spectrum, can I just admit to lying down across the whole fucking thing, spread-eagled, nude, and just waiting for an orgasm? Actually, I'm probably on the part of the spectrum that is mostly masturbation.

Tats gets away and runs into the Temple of Xazdi where the Priest guy waits in ambush for The Huntress as she follows Tats inside. But The Huntress knocks them both out because she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman and nobody fucks with that genealogical bad-assery! But then the statue of Xazdi comes to life and begins choking the shit out of her. Whoops!

Good thing Power Girl shows up to save Helena's life even though that means she's going to have to pay for dinner later. Unless Hel lets the whole thing slide due to Power Girl saving the day and everything.

But you saved her ass with her crossbow after using her to find the perp! I say this bet should have ended in Dutch Territory.

Worlds' Finest #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if DC is ever going to present a story portraying why Power Girl's breasts are so much bigger than Supergirl's? What differences exist in the two separate timelines that would be responsible for that difference? I bet it's because Supergirl spent twenty years in suspended animation orbiting the sun in a tight, enclosed space that didn't give her breasts room to expand while they absorbed the sun's energy while Power Girl was never confined like that. That seems reasonable enough. I'm sure that also explains why Supergirl's butt is so much better. Somehow.