Edge of Oblivion #5

Time to choose sides, bitches! I'm with the sentient onion! Or is that a jellyfish wearing a turtleneck? Am I being insensitive to aliens who look like rolled up socks with tassels?

The Review!
It's probably too late to tell people not to buy this comic book, right? Not that it's awful or anything. I mean, it might be but I'm not really judging it on its own merits. Maybe that's not fair but I also don't think it's fair for DC to sell me a comic book series that only exists because they already sold me a comic book series that was fucking horrible and was cancelled because it was fucking horrible and yet because of its existence, DC needed another story to fix what happened to the characters in that horrible, horrible story by Cullen Bunn. So now here I am paying for Tom Taylor's version of cleaning up after Cullen Bunn clogged the Green Lantern Corps' toilet which overflowed all over the DC Universe. I mean, DC really couldn't leave that disgusting mess just lying there, right?

The Whatever!
I often joke about how inconsequential everything I do is and then I remember that I'm wrong about that. I'm doing important work here. I'm doing better work than the media is doing. Because the thing corporations don't want anybody to be is open and honest about their products. Nobody wants to see somebody daily pissing all over the thing that makes them money (unless you sell urinals, I suppose). The main problem is that comic books are inconsequential. I know, I know. Super heroes and geek hobbies have taken over popular entertainment. But comic books are just a fringe outlier of super hero movies. Most people don't walk out of Civil War and think, "Now I want to experience that in a more boring version where I have to actually read!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should piss all over movies instead of Cullen Bunn! I mean comic books! Although I sort of want to make a movie short about pissing all over Cullen Bunn now. I wonder if he'd enjoy that? I hope that I wouldn't enjoy it too much or I wouldn't be able to piss, if you get that I mean that it's impossible to piss with a raging boner.

But seriously, I'm doing better, more honest work than most media outlets. Nobody owns this critic! Also nobody pays this critic. I wonder if I could get a decent paying job writing stupid puns about movies and going really easy on them and pretending everything I see for free is Citizen Kane? Who am I kidding? Pretending every movie were Citizen Kane would mean I'd have to say I didn't understand what I didn't sleep through! I probably should have said, "Pretending everything I see is Young Guns II!" Now that was the perfect movie! And the soundtrack?! Magnifique!

This issue begins with Guy Gardner realizing he was used by one group of aliens and now he's ready to be used by those aliens' enemies. But it's okay this time because he's probably fighting on the right side this time. It's Issue #5 so I don't think there will be yet another twist where it's revealed that the good aliens who were discovered to actually be the bad aliens really do turn out to be the good aliens. I really don't care if that happens because I don't care about anything that happens in this universe. The whole concept was a terrible idea in the first place.

You know that whole "in media res" thing where a story teller is supposed to begin the story in the middle of the story because it's way more exciting that way? I wish comic books would do that! I mean really do that! Not this bullshit "first page begins in the middle of the action and then by the second page we jump the narrative back to the beginning to over-explain how things got to page one". I just want comic books to stop filling shit in that doesn't need to be said because then we get comic books like this. I got it! Relic came from a universe that used up all of its light and was destroyed (although, I feel the need to state, yet again, that they theory never had any actual evidence to support it and this series only proved that Relic's theory was verified by John Stewart saying he was from the future and repeating Relic's theory to him). That's all I needed to know! Got it! I understand the motivations of the character. I don't need an entirely new series where people venture into that universe and go, "Oh yeah! Look at that! Relic's universe where everything is coming to an end! I'm sure glad this boring fucking story was told!"

Some of the Lanterns are still under the influence of the Blackest Knights so it's time for Green Lanterns to battle Green Lanterns. Being that 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Guy Gardner, Kilowog, and Simon Baz are on one team, my money is on that team. Not that I think they're better than the other team but I can only name John Stewart in the other team so it must not be as good.

Earlier, John said Kilowog knows all of the Lanterns' weaknesses because he trained them. So Kilowog creates one of those things that moo like a cow when you turn it over? That's John Stewart's weakness?

I just recently rewatched that scene in Delicatessen where they're making those Mooing cylinders or else I might have thought it was a salt shaker and deemed John Stewart a space slug.

Guy's plan is to lead the Blackest Knights into space where Mogo can go all Death Star on them. When Mogo accomplishes this, Ausras and Dismas's disguises fail them.

Oh, well if they look like that, they're obviously the monsters! Although I probably shouldn't think that having just read Meredith Finch's treaty on superficiality leading to leaps in judgment in her most recent story in Wonder Woman.

I suppose it isn't so much that Ausras and Dismas actually look like gigantic blow-job space piranha so much as they declare they're going to feast on the universe that blows their cover. Plus as I learned in the pages of Superman and the Truth storyline, if somebody is hiding who they really are, they're horrible monsters bent on total destruction, no matter how much their actions say different.

Edge of Oblivion #4

I never realized what a high percentage of Guy's costume was turtle neck and collar.

The Review!
I don't really care what happens in this comic book. Reading this comic book is like watching somebody mop up after a drunk asshole pisses all over the bathroom floor. Basically something occurred that should not have occurred and now Tom Taylor has to clean it all up before people begin to think that the bathroom floor has always been covered in Cullen Bunn's piss. Eventually the Corps will get back to the proper universe and everybody will forget that this little side adventure was ever pitched and somehow received as a good idea. On the plus side, Tom Taylor does the best job he can with a mop and a floor covered with piss. He even manages to wring one more twist out of the Green Lantern Mythos by making the bad guys who the Lanterns thought were the good guys into the super bad guys known as...The Blackest Knights! I bet Geoff Johns heard that and was all, "What?! Why didn't I think of that!" Of course Johns may have thought of it since I didn't read any of his ten year long run (Preboot, of course). Also, the Blackest Knights are a thinly veiled analogy of the United States foreign policy of constant war and imperialism while Marniel represents the powerless resorting to terrorist acts to do what they think is right. Of course, it all leads to a big fight between the Green Lanterns, some who have been brainwashed by Western propaganda and others who see the truth! Not that I'm judging anything in any way! I'm just describing what this book is about!

So basically, if you hate America, you should love this book! There might be other reasons to love this book too but I wouldn't know what they are. I just know this book keeps reminding me that Lost Army was a thing. A horrible, horrible thing.

Superman #50

Basically the Superman/Batman movie boils down to whether you like Chocolate-Strawberry or Caramel cereal? I guess I'm Team Superman!

Rating: No change.

I've become so invested in how this God-awful Superman story is going to end that I had to bring back the long-form commentaries for a few issues. Also, I'm simply avoiding doing my taxes. It's such drudgery!

At the end of Superman Loves Wonder Woman #27, Vandal Savage was gaining more and more powers from being in close proximity to the comet that made him immortal thirty thousand years ago. He's going to need the extra powers because Superman just got his powers back as well! I wish I could say something like "I hope this fight is going to be as good as Superman's battle against Doomsday" but that fight was shit, wasn't it? Just a lot of punching each other into buildings until everybody died. I doubt this fight will end in the death of anybody. I'm actually hoping it ends by page three with all of Vandal Savage's teeth knocked out and Superman banging Wonder Woman on top of his unconscious body in celebration.

I almost get my wish! Page two and three are a double splash of Superman punching Vandal Savage in the face. Shards of the comet are flying by in the background and at first glance, I thought they were teeth! According to Vandal, Superman has already lost because he's relying on punching instead of making a plan. Although I suppose if punching is the plan, Vandal is screwed.

This is that part which I mentioned happens every time Superman meets a new threat. Superman mentions how he actually felt a punch or, as here, got the wind knocked out of him. Now the reader knows how powerful Vandal is and how tense the situation really is! Oh my!

Instead of killing Superman, Vandal Savage decides to play a game of Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future with him. I suppose it's because his plan is to...okay, you know what? I can't even be bothered to make up a stupid reason for Vandal not killing Superman. It must all be part of the plan because plans are important! More important than punches! Or friends!

Vandal's son Puzzler (or the robot version of him, anyway) uses some techno-hoodoo to send Superman back to Krypton just as the planet is about to explode. I'm sure he's not really there! Like I said, this is probably a Ghost of Christmas Past thing. I guess Vandal wants Superman to learn some kind of a lesson about being a douche.

Although Superman seems to be corporeal enough to save his mother and father from being crushed. It's probably just an acid trip. Or a device built by Hordr_root capable of creating virtual simulations. Vandal decides to show Superman what one timeline might have looked like had something beyond Superman's control turned out different. Wow. How fascinating. Imagine that! Things could have turned out differently if things had happened differently. I can see I'm in for a really tedious read.

After showing Superman how Krypton could possibly have lived if things had happened in the way his totally false and assumptive simulation calculated, Vandal takes Superman to a future which is complete and utter speculation based on bullshit data and inconclusive assumptions.

Vandal shows Superman a future where the Earth is safe because weak people have been turned into slaves while the strong rule and defend the world. It's a great place! Then Vandal shows Superman a future where he continued to protect everybody and that world is an awful, barren dead place. Of course the two versions of the future are like that! Vandal wants what he wants so he shows Superman a future that he assures Superman will come to pass if Superman helps him. This is Vandal's plan? Prey on Superman's need to keep his adoptive world safe by feeding him absolutely transparent lies? I think Vandal should have stuck to punching things.

Vandal learned this trick from spending all those years with Madame Xanadu. Tell people lies about future dangers and they'll do anything you want them to to save the world!

Vandal ends the simulation and asks Superman to make his choice: work with Vandal to create a paradise on Earth (for some) or try to stop Vandal so that Earth can remain the mediocre toilet it currently is (for everybody!). Superman decides to think about Pa Kent for a bit to help him make his decision.

I guess up until this moment, Superman had forgotten this conversation because he seems to live by the theory that punching solves everything.

At the end here, across these last few chapters, this story really seems to be playing up the idea that Superman isn't supposed to solve problems with violence. And yet, that's all he does. Constantly. I suppose if DC tells the readers that that isn't true enough times (starting now), the fans will eventually believe it. Because it was true every now and again, depending on who was writing the character.

Superman decides to not join Vandal. Now he finally gets the bright idea to get rid of the comet. Fucking dick. I told you to deal with that earlier! How nobody told Hal Jordan to fling that fucking thing into the sun when they realized it's what Vandal was after, I'll never know. I mean, I guess I do know. Because that would have ended the story anticlimactically. Now the story ends with Puzzler betraying Vandal because Superman reaches out and finds the humanity in Puzzler. I know normally I would be calling for that kind of ending but I was really hoping Superman would have just punched him.

The comet is destroyed in a tug of war between Superman, Puzzler, and Vandal. Everybody is flung back to Earth where they all celebrate because Superman's hair somehow grew out during this issue and he now has his spit curl back. Hooray!

Action Comics #49

What the fuck?! Is this month's variant "Neal Adams' Disturbingly Fetishized Wank Covers"?

Rating: No change.

Superman finally gets his powers back although the kryptonite chemotherapy didn't fix his hair. It also gave him weird extra powers because that's par for the course whenever Superman writers go through one of their "Superman is too powerful" phases. He always comes back with new powers that should have just been given to a brand new superhero who wouldn't sell and then just disappear slowly over time like practically every character created in the Bloodlines Summer Annual Extravaganza.

This story had about as much plot as Grayson #16. Both issues really didn't cover a lot of ground. But while Grayson #16 was fun and entertaining and worth reading, this was a pile of horseshit. Unless horseshit has beneficial properties like making people laugh when the marching band squishes through it during a local parade. Okay, that's pretty entertaining and better than this book so maybe I should compare it to something else. Like maybe getting your genitals caught in your zipper.

Vandal's ten thousand year old plan relies on stealing the Fortress of Solitude in the final moments which totally makes sense since that totally existed ten thousand years ago. Also he shout a powerful laser into Jupiter. So he's either turning Jupiter into a star like in 2010: A More Confusing Space Odyssey or he's digging out the remnants of Shoemaker-Levy because maybe that was the comet that gave him his powers. I hope it's that one! I wish I could go into Harvey Bullock detail about Shoemaker-Levy but the best I can do is come up with the name without Google's help! I don't even remember the date it hit Jupiter but I was in my early twenties and having sex regularly! That's clear because I always yelled "Here comes Shoemaker-Levy, baby!" whenever I orgasmed.

Batman Loves Superman #26

Vandal Savage is a pimp.

Superman, Batgirl, Dick Grayson, and Jason Todd have traveled to Siberia to rescue some meaningless villages from Vandal Savage's clutches. These villagers are being forced to extract uranium from old Russian missiles that were lying around unused. If the villagers don't comply with this dangerous task, Vandal Savage will murder them and their families. The men of the village don't want their families put in unnecessary danger so they're doing whatever Vandal tells them.

Also they're bringing their families to the dig site where, at any moment, one of these missiles can be mishandled and explode! But I think that's necessary danger!

The little boy is probably on location to teach the adults that they shouldn't fear Superman! Because children understand things better than adults! They say wise things and never lie and aren't afraid of strange people giving out free candy. If you don't follow the lead of the children, you're an old fuddy-duddy without any sense of wonder! Although you'll probably have a better grip on reality and survive longer if you just tell the children around you to shut the fuck up already.

The man sees four shapes coming out of the snow and assume it's Vandal Savage coming back to murder everybody. Sure, he said they had a week to get the uranium but you never know when an immortal psychopath is going to change his mind. Although why would Vandal kill them before they've finished the work? It's not like Vandal is going to want to do it himself.

Startled by the figures, the men of the village pull pistols out of their parkas and begin shooting. It's at this point that I don't care if these villagers manage to survive. What if the figures coming out of the snow were pizza delivery guys? It seems kind of stupid to shoot at anybody who approaches you. Even if it had been Vandal Savage, why the fuck would they now decide to rebel against him? They fear for their families' lives enough to work as slaves for Vandal but not really, I guess?

I guess the comic book begins this way to seem exciting but it just loses me instantly and reminds me that I hate Greg Pak's work on this comic book.

Superman introduces himself and his Bat-friends to the villagers (speaking English, I guess? Bah! It's comic books! It's easier to simply pretend everybody speaks Interlac) and they respond in the appropriate manner. The little kid loves Superman because he's only there to teach the grown-ups to not be assholes (and to probably die from cancer in ten years due to the high levels of radiation leaking from the discarded missiles). And the grown-ups react like assholes.

And yet when you thought these guys were Savage, you believed shooting him in the face was going to fill him with figurative hugs and kisses?

Hey! Remember how Superman cracked two molars in his battle with Vandal last issue? Has he been to the dentist yet? Doesn't his stupid mouth hurt? Or when Batgirl bandaged him later that issue, did she also fix his teeth?

The aggressive man needs to have his life saved by Superman before he'll believe Superman can actually help because that's how you write comic books by the tropes. So the missile the men were trying to move snaps its support cables and begins falling to the ground. The man tackles his wife and son and yells, "Why did I bring you out here?! Why was I so stupid to endanger your lives so recklessly?! I'm as bad as Vandal Savage!" But Superman catches the bomb so the man can live with his shame.

While holding the bomb, Superman complains about how heavy it is. Because he's lost most of his strength, remember?! But he still has enough to hold up a two ton missile! It's just that he has to explicitly point out how heavy it is now. That's the new version of Superman! He can still manage to do everything he used to do (except fly!) but while he's doing it, he always reminds the readers how difficult it is now. Plus he has a stupid fucking haircut that looks stupid. Who's idea was it to lose the spit curl?! At this point, why not just make Superman an extremely strong monkey? He'd be just as recognizable.

With the help of everybody, the missile is stood upright because I guess that's the most efficient position to remove the uranium from it? I would think leaving it lying down would be easier since isn't the bomb in the cone? Isn't the whole rest of the missile just fuel? I'm not a rocket scientist but I know how to have thoughts and then believe those thoughts so I think I'm probably right.

Compared to everybody else in this room, Babs? You're a fucking genius. Don't downplay your strengths to Bozo Superman! You're ten times better than he is! If not more, depending on whether or not I put the decimal in the right place during my calculations.

Superman introduces Dick as the guy who makes fake ideas and Red Hood as the "mean Robin." What the fuck, Superman?! I thought you were supposed to be the guy who lifts up everybody's spirits and makes them want to be better people. But no. You're just the guy who points out that Jason Todd had some issues and was a big fucking jerk who probably deserved exactly what he got! Asshole.

Although, seriously, Jason Todd totally deserved what he got.

Do Siberians know what "light spring rain" is?

While Batgirl tries to figure out how Vandal's teleportation pad works and Dick is creating fake IDs and Red Hood teaches the men how to shoot to kill (or to just hit kneecaps, just in case Batman is currently giving you a sour look), the little kid is stabbing Clark with a fork. And it draws blood because this is one of those moments where Clark is just vulnerable enough to prove that he's not invulnerable. But don't worry! Vandal Savage apparently punches softer than a ten year old kid can stab with an eating utensil, so Clark should be okay.

Red Hood tries to get Superman alone so he can get him excited about the prospect of murdering Vandal Savage. But Dick and Babs overhear and they're all, "No way! We don't kill even if it means saving the lives of probably hundreds of billions of people across Vandal Savage's future!" Plus Batgirl is all, "I was his teammate and he's actually not that bad when he's forced to do what you want him to do. Maybe we can get Stargirl to trick him into being nice again?"

Some of the Shadow Monsters from the Truth story show up because there's been way too much talking. Plus everybody is allowed to get out their aggression and kill these things because they're not sentient (which matters for some reason). During the battle, Commissioner Batman shows up because his name is on the cover. That's the only reason I can think of why he'd leave Gotham where he works as a police officer keeping peace in Gotham to come to Siberia where he isn't authorized to act as a peace keeper of any kind. But I guess Superman asked him to come by, probably to take the villagers back to Gotham even though none of them have passports or visas. At least not legal ones that weren't printed up by Dick Grayson.

So Superman tells Batman to shove it last issue and then he sends him all of the data Batgirl came up with about this place because why? Oh yeah! Because his name is on the cover! Also, I still don't have any clue as to how Batgirl discovered this site.

Apparently the Nazi War Wheel is buried under the ice and the missiles were meant to power it. But then the Dawn Command were able to steal Waynetech's miniature sun and that became the primary power source for the Nazi War Wheel (which isn't actually the War Wheel but I'm going to insist that it is because that would have been so much better). I guess digging uranium out of the missiles was just to fuck with the nearby villagers. An immortal has to get his kicks somehow.

Batman Loves Superman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you love comic books with great characterization of even the most ancillary characters, superb plots that rise out of the motivations of the villains and heroes, and engaging themes that really make you think about tough ethical dilemmas, this is totally not the comic book for you. But it has Batman in it! Do you like Batman? Then maybe this is the book for you! No, no! Wait! I just remembered. It doesn't even have Batman in it anymore. It's just Commissioner Gordon in a suit that locks up every few pages. I'm not even going to pretend that Superman is in it because I haven't seen Superman in a DC Comic book for years.

Batman Loves Superman #24

Shouldn't this be Alan Scott?

Last issue ended with Aquaman making a guest appearance to ensure that this comic book continues to be as crappy and boring as it possibly can. Although Aquaman does have his new Super-Boner Suit, so I'm a little bit excited about that.

I haven't truly hated a comic book in quite some time but the first page of this issue fixed that problem.

Before reading this page, I was thinking, "This comic book is dumb and makes no sense and features a poor representation of Superman." After reading this page, I am now thinking in bright, angry colors.

First off, it looks like Aquaman is wearing the top half of an evening gown. And I guess somebody pointed out that his groin needed a redesign but it was redesigned by somebody who doesn't know what an erection looks like because it still looks like an erection. Although now it's crossed with a cobra. Wasn't Cobra-Penis one of the Masters of the Universe?

But the art isn't what annoys me. It's the least offensive part of this page! And I use the term "offensive" in the most offensive way possible, meaning that I don't really give a shit about anything on the page because it's just a fucking comic book and my outrage is really just meaningless bluster. Superman's snarky attitude that only exists in his imagination tops the list. I'm going to assume that Commissioner Batman and Superman are in radio contact for a reason and that that reason is so they can work together. So when Gordon asks for information, shouldn't Superman at least say something? Some fanboy is probably screaming at me right now, spittle covering their monitor, "He jusht got the wind knocked out of him, shtupid!" (Yes, apparently I'm ableist against people with lateral lisps. It's just that they're so indicative of nerd rage! In much the same way neck beards, obesity, and Magic the Gathering are! Prove me wrong! Have you ever been to a Magic the Gathering tournament?! I'll fight you over this! Next Friday! At the local Magic the Gathering Friday Night Meet-up! I'll be the obese one with the neck beard and the really shitty control deck that only ever works one out of twenty-five times. But when it does work, oh boy, the horribly degrading shit I'll say about your mother!) Okay, fine. So Superman can't speak because Aquaman punched him in the gut. Then I'd also expect Superman not to have an expository interior monologue that ends in a stupid joke about how Commissioner Batman's Tuesday is going! How do you think it's going, Superman? That miniature sun is about to blow up! Duh!

Also there's a sea monster which is just stupid. Aquaman should be on a sea-horse.

Luckily on page two, the story reverts to ten minutes prior to Superman and Aquaman's showdown because I was desperate to find out how they came to blows. I'm glad it was only ten minutes earlier because I really didn't need to learn how the action moved from underground to the middle of the ocean. That shit was already explained through context. So I thank Greg Pak for having at least a little bit of awareness in his storytelling.

Arthur joined up with the Subterraneans because who the fuck knows. His prior motivation doesn't need to be explained when Greg Pak can just write in a scene with dead dolphins which explains everything. Now that Arthur has seen proof that this Miniature Sun is poisoning the sea, he's ready to attack Commissioner Batman and Lucius Fox who are trying to stabilize the sun. Oh, okay. I see why Arthur joined the battle. The Subterraneans want the Mini-sun for power and they needed help retrieving it after Commissioner Batman ordered it out to sea so that if it blows, it won't kill everyone in Gotham. Arthur doesn't want the Mini-sun to blow at sea because fuck the Land Dwellers and their ability to always fuck up the sea at every turn of their civilization. Although once Superman points out that Batman and Lucius Fox are trying to stabilize the Mini-sun which is sure to blow up at sea if Aquaman attacks, Aquaman attacks. The story couldn't be exciting if Batman, Superman, and Aquaman worked together to figure out a way to stop the Mini-sun from blowing and finding a way to help save the Subterraneans by using it as a safe power source. Exciting stories involve punches and sometimes kicks.

At least the story makes sense, I guess. The only thing left to explain is why Aquaman wouldn't work with Superman and would rather punch him?

Oh yeah. This is a Greg Pak comic book. I'm sure it's mind control.

Arthur seems to be in his right mind which means he could stop this conflict by telling the sea monsters to swim in the other direction. But I guess they're "Subterranean Sea Monsters," so they probably wouldn't listen to him anyway. So instead, he tells Superman to give up and let the Subterraneans steal the Mini-Sun. I don't know why he's asking Clark to give up. Can't he just put him in a sleeper hold and accidentally break Clark's neck? I mean, slowly send him into unconsciousness? Instead, Superman head butts Aquaman's head which is about a thousand times more dense than Superman's right now and Superman's head doesn't explode. Instead, Aquaman grabs his forehead and says something like, "That actually hurt!"

At one point during the fisticuffs, Superman even thinks how he's tired of trying to explain things to Aquaman. That's standard Heroes Fighting 101! Of course Superman continues to fight because this version of Superman doesn't trust Aquaman to help save the day. Even if he thinks Aquaman is a joke, can't he trust that Aquaman will do anything to save his precious ocean? I get why Superman doesn't trust Commissioner Batman though. Even without super senses, he can smell cop all over that guy.

How many more cliches can we pack into this issue? I hope quite a few more since I did pay $3.99 for it.

You can tell how close the story is to ending by moments like this. Will Ukur finally believe Superman? If he does, the story is about to wind down. If he doesn't, more issues ahoy! I'm sure he'll finally calm down and begin listening to Superman now because this story needs to wrap up along with the other "Truth" Superman stories.

Commissioner Batman and Superman ride the rocket containing the Mini-sun into the sky so that it will blow up harmlessly in the atmosphere unless having a Mini-sun go nova in Earth's atmosphere is the opposite of harmless. Oh, I'm sure it'll be okay. All of those fears about the atmosphere igniting were proven to be just fears way back at Trinity, right? I mean, that wasn't a sun exploding but it was nearly the same thing! Probably!

Superman decides he's going to sit on top of the explosion in the hopes that it will reignite his powers and not just kill him. At this point, I'm hoping he just disintegrates because he's apparently too difficult to write.

Too bad for Commissioner Superman and Batman, the Dawn Command fly in with a spaceship and steal the Mini-sun. I guess the leader of the Dawn Command is one of the people joining with Wrath to destroy Superman and the Mini-sun is needed for their plan to succeed. And I guess Ukur and the Subterraneans will just have to go back to sitting in the dark. "Ha, ha!" as everybody in this comic book has been saying for some reason.

One of the escaped convicts from Blackgate yells all the appropriate things in the hearing range of Lucius Fox so he can offer to help them with their power problem at reasonable rates. Commissioner Batman doesn't say "Hey! That's a Blackgate Prison jumpsuit! Don't move! You're under arrest!" at all. Ukur tries to get the fighting going again because I guess he likes punching things better than light sources. But Aquaman knows how to keep this story on track to bring it to a happy conclusion!

Why couldn't somebody have said this four issues ago?! It rings so hollow being said now after I've spent sixteen dollars on this god-awful story!

Commissioner Gordon chastises Superman for good reasons and even makes some reasonable points. But Superman ignores him because he's Superman and how dare anybody that isn't Bruce Wayne tell him that he's acting like a total fucking dangerous douchebag? Clark decides to go speak with Bruce Wayne because he needs to be told he's doing the right thing, even if it's by some guy that doesn't recognize him anymore and has no idea what Clark is actually talking about.

That totally makes sense. Superman really wants advice from this guy?

I've played enough basketball in my life to know that it doesn't matter the size of the person who cries foul or who's doing the potential fouling. I've played too many games with my old high school friend who I haven't mentioned in a long time, Soy Rakelson, to know that Bruce's justice is bullshit. Soy was the king of fouling in basketball and he was the smallest guy on the court. If I had claimed that he kept fouling me on purpose, Bruce would have told me to shut the fuck up because I was the bigger person. Eat dick, Bruce. And, yes, I know these kids are playing soccer. They're practically the same thing. A bunch of people chasing a ball around and constantly claiming they're being fouled.

Clark learns some wisdom from Bruce even though it's the opposite wisdom he learned the last time this scene unfolded in Batman Loves Superman #1. Unless it was a different issue. It was one of those Jae Lee issues, anyway, because he made the wacky trees look really good. I guess Superman just likes to hear what he wants to hear so that he can feel good continuing to do the stupid bullshit he's been doing. What an asshole.

The epilogue has Vandal Savage meeting up with Wrath to point out that he's not Jesus Christ like I guessed he was. Also, he's stolen the Mini-sun because "a few thousand years of planning always pays off." What? He's been planning this for two thousand years or more? Who does he think he is? Harvest?!

This appearance of Vandal Savage is the exact opposite of his appearance in Justice League United #13. And just so you can decipher what I mean by that, Vandal's appearance in Justice League United was the best thing ever.

Batman Loves Superman #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate this comic book. I hate that every little moment is some kind of Greg Pak thinks he's teaching the reader some kind of wisdom moment when it's actually shallow bullshit that doesn't actually add up. It's Superman acting like an asshole but unable to see that he's acting like an asshole because Greg Pak is desperately trying to make the other characters seem like the problem. It's a whole bunch of Superman bitching about how he's lost all of his powers and he can die at any moment but then headbutting Aquaman and taking bullets in the back and succeeding at activities that a powerless man could never actually succeed at. It's too much Superman being human and proving that anybody can do anything as long as they have the spirit and gumption to keep going punctuated by Superman continually pointing out how lucky he was to survive. I just fucking hate this comic book.

Batman Loves Superman #23

I'm in love with the Honey Bunny Batman Armor even if it did completely ripoff Appleseed.

The Honey Bunny Batman Armor is the only recognizable person on this cover. Who knew Gordon would be completely unrecognizable without his cop mustache and his cop glasses and his cop cigarette? And Superman just looks like a douche with that haircut. I'd rather--and this isn't hyperbole of any kind--have Mullet Superman than three months post chemo treatments Superman. But then I'm not a mullet hater like everybody else in the world who hates mullets because they've heard over and over that mullets are the stupidest haircut in the world. It's incredibly easy to hate something for which everybody in the world has declared their hate. It's so easy and clever to hate on the mullet because you know your audience will be receptive of that hatred and you won't be called out for being a dick. You can replace the mullet with virtually anything though. Most people are so afraid to have their own opinions on things that all the unique snowflakes eventually turn into that huge pile of dirty snow which refuses to melt as the days start getting warmer. Strengthened by the cold generated by the sheer amount of snow, they resist the warming conditions. This isn't a new problem. I'm not pointing fingers at recent generations at all. Peer pressure and bullying (and believe me, a lot of y'all who think you're anti-bully wind up being some of the biggest bullies of all) is just a feature built into growing up within a civilized society. Stating that fact doesn't mean I approve of it but then I don't approve of most of civilized society anyway.

Hipsters are cowards! This will relate to the last paragraph in a second! I just have trouble with segues! Hipsters will wear anything ironically but only if it's already been subtly approved by the rest of the hipsters. If any of them were really brave, they'd bring back the mullet. Of course, once a few daring pioneers prove that it gets them lots of ironic attention and ironic sexual encounters, the rest of them will jump on board and honestly believe they were the coolest of the cool for bravely bringing it back into ironic style. I'm sure some hipster geniuses have already brought it back and I haven't noticed because I usually don't obsess over hipsters (they're just so hard to define anyway since almost nobody will admit to being a hipster (especially if they're a hipster!)). Plus I live in Portland where the streets are awash in a sticky veneer of hipsterism, so trying to tell the difference between a hipster and an older person who just never stopped wearing the clothing or the look which the hipsters have brought back can be difficult. You can usually tell when you've sighted an actual hipster though because they're usually in a group of three or more and they all look vaguely the same.

I should probably just discuss the comic books in my comic book reviews so people will like me.

But before I do, I have a mullet story! I was walking around in downtown Lincoln, Nebraska, quite a few years ago (I can't even remember the last time I was there). At the time, I had long hair. I was wearing a hat though so you couldn't tell that my hair was the same length all the way around. Some male asshole college student with his two female hangers-on came up to me and asked if he could take a picture of my mullet. I pulled off my hat and said, "Fuck you, you derivative piece of shit scumbag. Your University of Lincoln dot edu slash website making fun of people for having mullets doesn't just prove you're an asshole but that you're an unoriginal, play-it-safe piece of shit with no imagination to boot." At least I think I said that. My memory isn't that great but that's what I would have liked to have said, so it's probably what I said. And then he probably slunk off defeated, deleted his webpage, and never got laid again.

Okay, so Superman without a mullet wound up going back to Subterranea last issue! That's good because I didn't get enough of the place last time when Clark and Lana freed all of the fuzzy munchkin creatures that were being used as fuel to light the caverns. I've often been thinking, "What happened to that place after Superman shut down their entire economy?" I've been like, "That world was so interesting, it should have its own monthly comic book!" I was thinking, "Boy, I sure do lie a lot in these commentaries!"

Luckily Commissioner Batman and Powerless Superman have communicators so that they can continue calling each other names at a distance.

Remember when comic book heroes were heroic examples of who we should strive to be instead of being dragged down to colorful characters used simply to hold up a mirror to who we actually are?

Now that Ukur attacked the surface world trying to steal Wayne Industries miniature sun (which he heard about how? The Subterranean Internet?), Superman remembers how he stole this civilizations means of power because his ethics were different from their ethics. They were using living creatures as fuel and I guess that's wrong although Superman has yet to shut down the beef and dairy industry which is, you know, the exact same thing. And by fuel, I mean fuel for our bodies, asshole. I think the main difference is that the creatures being used as fuel in Subterranea were cute or sentient or something. I suppose it's like how we rankle at the idea of eating dolphins (well, some of us Earthlings do) but we don't give a shit about pigs. I suppose if dolphins were the source of bacon, a shitload of people suddenly wouldn't give two fucks about sentience.

Superman must now negotiate with Ukur to help bring power back to Subterranea. That means he's going to have to give them Waynetech's miniature sun which means he's going to have to call Commissioner Batman an idiot a few more times and maybe even punch him in the face.

Even if Superman had the power to fly down and "force" everybody to play nice, he wouldn't do it. At least not the Superman I believe in!

The previous page is an example of how, I think, Greg Pak is just writing to fill pages. You can see how he wants to show what Superman is going through and how he's trying to deal with not having any power. He almost seems to be the Superman that I expect him to be, the one telling Commissioner Batman to back off while he has a rational discussion with the antagonist of the comic book. But then he winds up obliterating all of his ideas about doing things Superman's way and being a job for Superman when Superman has the thought, "I can't just fly down and force everyone to play nice. I have to find another way...". If he had his powers, that would be a good thought for Superman to have! But since he doesn't have his powers, it takes on the meaning that if he did have his powers, he would do it that way. He's admitting that he would use his powers in a fascist way to force people to live by the way he thinks they should live. Which, come to think of it, is what he did to these Subterraneans in the first place.

Superman covers himself in garbage and tries to sneak into Ukur's camp. He's super happy about covering himself in garbage because it feels like being hugged by Lois Lane. Or something. I sort of stopped reading the Narration Boxes and have begun making up my own story.

Oh! I remember this part from real life! This is where he falls off and breaks his neck, right?!

Clark Kent (why do I keep calling him Superman?! Apparently he's completely powerless! I think?) becomes distracted on his mission of diplomacy because he has to save a bunch of humans from being trampled by wild horned horse lizards. He saves them all and thinks about how lucky he is to survive. That's what he's been thinking every other page lately! If his entire superhero career is now down to being lucky, I think he should just fucking retire.

The humans are escaped prisoners from Blackgate and also their families or something. I don't know. You make sense of it. I'm too weary to care anymore. I mean, who gives up everything in the world to follow their ex-con family members down beneath the Earth to live like troglodytes and kobolds?! How about convincing them to go back to fucking prison and just do their fucking time?! I'd rather have internet than intimate contact with a loved one!

Oh, I see. Only prisoners who got a raw deal from the justice system escaped from Blackgate to live down here. No rapists or murderers down here! Just a harsh indictment against our politicized criminal justice system!

I guess the people running Blackgate are so corrupt that they buried the paperwork on all these missing inmates. And who is Clark Kent to try to bring them to justice? He's just a reporter who sucks at doing his job and wouldn't recognize a Pulitzer if it were wearing an orange jumpsuit and lying to his face about why it was in prison.

Angie, the one prisoner who will talk to Clark, points out how the people upstairs won't share their shit with Ukur and a bunch of escaped felons. How fucking dare they?! And since they won't share even when not asked at all, Ukur is going to steal their shit! It's only fair! Theft is just justice from the point of view of the person getting more free shit.

Dawn Command happens by and collects Clark because they recognize the garbage that he's wearing as one of their own. So now he's infiltrated Dawn Command and made friends with a bunch of thieving escaped convicts who have right on their side (if you define "right" as getting your way no matter what (which I usually do, by the way!).

Holy shit the characterization in this thing is going to give me a stork! I mean a stroke!

I joke about it all of the time but I think Greg Pak sincerely doesn't know the difference between Perry White and J. Jonah Jameson. Perry liked Clark and he like Superman, so why would he suddenly hate them both when they were revealed to be the same person? If J. Jonah Jameson discovered that Peter Parker was Spider-man (which he may have at some point but I've never really read Spider-man), I could see him calling Peter a weasel because Jameson fucking hates Spider-man! Or he did. Who knows what the fuck is going on at Marvel nowadays (I mean besides people who read Marvel!)? But this is just more of that easy drama where a character finds out another character lied so now they get to hate that character for lying.

The worst part about people hating Superman for having "infiltrated" the human world as Clark Kent is that Clark Kent is an actual person raised on a farm in Kansas who lived a human life as normal as anybody else's with just a weird hidden hobby. Where the fuck is the infiltration?! Clark is as American as any other American! I guess every character without a costume in DC Comics is just a hateful bigot.

Gordon meets up with Lois and Lois badgers him until he says things he doesn't actually want to tell her. But I guess if she's going to keep following him around, he may as well tell her everything! Except that he's Robo-Batman. Which is odd because every time he tells Lois something, she says "More cards!" because she knows he's not being entirely truthful. You know, right up until the point the only card he's kept back is his new secret identity and then she's all, "Okay. Cool. You should trust Clark!"

Back underground, Clark learns he's about to go to war with the surface people! Ukur gives a rousing speech to his followers about how he knows where the miniature sun is located and how he's going to bring it back and everything under ground will be roses and super roses and things that aren't roses even if they're called by other names.

"How dare I promise to keep your tiny, shrunken men safe?!"

At the end of the speech, Ukur introduces everybody to their new ally in the war to bring back the miniature sun and save the underground empire that isn't allowed to burn cute fuzzy animals for fuel anymore. Upon seeing their new ally, everybody yawns.

God damn, Arthur. Put that fucking erection away!

How has nobody in the Goddamned art department at DC Comics pointed out that Aquaman just looks like he's sporting a massive boner now? It's obscene!

Batman Loves Superman #23 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book is terrible and I don't know why Aquaman is so visibly excited to be dragged into it. Maybe it's because he's got a good chance to be the most likeable character in it! None of the characters particularly know what they're doing. Instead of getting dragged down into violence, they should be trying to solve problems. Clark knows what he needs to do and he knew before he followed Ukur back underground. He needs to help the underground empire find a new source of power since he came by and told them they couldn't continue to use the source of power they were using previously. And then he just left them in the dark. So Ukur needs the miniature sun for power, an object Commissioner Batman is trying to protect for some reason that isn't any of his business. Clark needs to speak with Lucius Fox or whoever is in charge of Wayne Industries and work out a deal to purchase the mini-sun as a power unit for Subterranea. Instead of helping them steal it, help them fucking purchase it, Clark. Ask Alfred for a loan if you need some help. It's at least a responsible way to fix the problem Superman caused. You know how he shouldn't fix the problem? Joining a bunch of escaped convicts (one of which has a prison sob story that apparently answers for all of the escapees) to storm Gotham and steal something that doesn't belong to you. And I guess nobody should even worry about how dangerous the new power source could wind up being, right? I don't even care why Aquaman is helping at this point or how he's going to help when he doesn't have access to Atlantis's armies. It should be Mera who was revealed on the final page. Did I mention this comic book was terrible?

Batman Loves Superman #22

I would complain about Variant Covers ruining the value of my Batman/Superman collection but I think Greg Pak's writing has already done most of the damage.

Currently in Batman Loves Superman: Batman doesn't love Superman! How can he? He hardly even knows him. He just thinks he loves Superman but he really just loves a figment of his imagination. He loves a Superman that the real Superman can never really live up to. What Batman needs to do to forget about Superman (who he doesn't really love but he thinks he does because he's just sexually attracted to him and wants to put his Batboner in Superman's Superbutt) is to go have sex with somebody who thinks they love Batman (like The Joker). Another more difficult way for Batman to learn that he doesn't love Superman is to rush into marrying him and then, over the course of many long, difficult years, truly get to know Superman and discover that he's nothing like the Superman that Batman built him up to be. Then he'll be disappointed with Superman and blame Superman for all of Superman's flaws when really he should be blaming his stupid imagination. Imagine better next time! Like maybe realize that Superman has a mind of his own and he's going to say and do things that you don't agree with and that isn't something to be angry about because Superman deserves to be a fully fleshed out human being with his own thoughts and desires and dreams. It doesn't make him a bad person just because he didn't turn out to be an acquiescent fuckbot; it just makes him a human being! I mean an alien!

The issue begins with Commissioner Batman thinking Superman is a clown. He also says Superman came to Gotham to pick a fight with him when he just determined last issue (with the help of Lex Luthor) that it was Commissioner Batman who attacked Superman. I'm glad Pak opened with this scene because now I know what Pak thinks of Jim Gordon. He thinks Jim Gordon is an asshole. Although it seems to be DC Comics' policy that Superman and Batman fight as often as possible for some reason. I guess it helps build drama and tension for stupid, unthinking readers.

Commissioner Gordon tells Superman he's under arrest again because that's the best opening gambit for a police officer. It doesn't matter if a cop actually has a reason to arrest you. If they tell you that you're under arrest and you argue with them because they have no reason to be arresting you then they can arrest you for resisting arrest. Fucking douchebags.

Superman and Commissioner Batman don't actually get into a fight because Superman is there to talk. That's a novelty! Instead of fighting, they have an idiotic conversation. Man, now I wish they'd decided to punch each other to death.

Isn't that every man always?!

The rest of the conversation goes like this:

Commissioner Batman: "I can't trust you!"
Superman: "I can't trust you!"
Commissioner Batman: "You're a liar!"
Superman: "You're a liar!"
Commissioner Batman: "I'm not going to work with you!"
Superman: "You have to work with me! Both of our trademarked names are on the cover!"
Commissioner Batman: "Okay, fine! But I won't like it!"

You are still Superman. You might use your microscopic vision to look at his prints and save them in your super-memory for later when you'll draw them up and check them against a national database!

Superman and Commissioner Batman learn of a break-in occurring beneath a Wayne Industries warehouse. It's the warehouse where Lucius Fox works because he isn't allowed to work in an office. He acts like it's cool and he enjoys it because it keeps him out of office politics and drama but really he's sad because he knows he's been ostracized to a far corner of the company. But it's a good thing it's Lucius Fox's warehouse because he has some information for Superman and Commissioner Batman: the culprit behind the attacks on Superman and Wayne Industries is an organization called Dawn Command!

Dawn Command is after the miniature sun housed in the Wayne Industries Warehouse because that's a thing now. STAR Labs accidentally created a miniature sun. They were all, "Let's do an experiment that doesn't involve fusion at all! La dee da da da! Whoops! We created a fusion generator by accident! We'd better turn it over to Wayne Industries because we don't know what to do with it!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman have another childlike exchange of words before Ukur, Beastlord of Subterranea, breaks through the ground and attacks. Of course it's Ukur the Beastlord! It was either him or Xa-du or Hiro the Toymaster or Mongul!

Commissioner Batman goes to battle Ukur with a wrench. But he's knocked down so then Superman goes to battle Ukur with the wrench. Then Commissioner Batman thinks, "He's crazy! Battling that monster with a wrench!"

Hey, Syaf! You know you can draw anything from your imagination, right? That wrench Lucius is currently holding doesn't have to be the only weapon in the warehouse.

Superman and Commissioner Batman continue to do exactly the wrong thing so that they continue to distrust each other. Plus Commissioner Batman pisses off Ukur just as Superman is about to save the world. Ukur rushes back underground declaring that he now has a real reason to destroy the surface people so now his plans that were already in motion to destroy the surface people is justified! Superman follows Ukur underground while Commissioner Batman hangs back kicking pebbles and thinking, "I messed up. Boo hoo. I thought I was in the right and that made me a special kind of mad!"

Batman Loves Superman #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't like any of the Superman titles right now. There are reviewers out there who do like them but those reviewers are awful at their job. But I'm not a reviewer so I can shit on any book I read. I don't have to worry that DC Comics might never use one of my blurbs for their trade paperbacks if I piss them off. I mostly don't have to worry about DC never using one of my blurbs for their trade paperbacks because the blurbs I come up with are awful. "Batman Loves Superman is the kind of comic book that makes you wish nobody had ever invented comic books! The interactions between Superman and Batman are the most realistic portrayals of two petulant eight year olds fighting over who gets to use the kickball at recess. Come on, DC Comics! Notice me! I need to feel like a big shot!"

Batman Loves Superman #21

I don't get it. Is this symbolic of the way The Joker keeps coming between Batman and Superman's love?

DC Comics continues to break all of the Annual rules and I hate them for it. I enjoyed the days when Annuals were optional. But Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 ended with a depowered Superman stabbed in the kidney on a remote island in the part of the world where the island was. That means that anybody reading this series will finish issue #20 and then pick up issue #21 and say, "What the fuck?!" Luckily an Editor's Note will let them know their mistake in not having picked up the Annual. They'll curse and spit for awhile, consider going to the comic book store to get the Annual, say fuck it, and finally throw this issue in the garbage where it probably belongs. Then they'll express their anger on Twitter and Tumblr with lots of annoying hashtags mucking up the readability of their post which will make me curse and spit and throw my computer in the garbage where it probably belongs.

I'm not excited to be reading another comic book written by Greg Pak. I've come to the objective conclusion that he's an awful writer. I haven't done any double blind studies or anything but, come on! We all know how those would turn out without actually having to conduct them, right? A bunch of scientists will randomly hand out comic books without knowing who wrote them, a bunch of people will read them without knowing who wrote them, and all of the comics written by Greg Pak will wind up in the garbage where they probably belong. So why waste money when I can imagine the results that I expect and desire?

This issue begins like this so I guess the Annual was an imaginary tale?

Now I'm even angrier because this issue didn't begin in the way in which I thought it would make me angry! What happened to Superman on Doomsday Island?! How did he survive being stabbed in the kidney by Janice? Did he convalesce in Doctor Frank-N-Furter's mansion? Did he have sex with the Doctor? Did he do the Time Warp? Again?

Instead of bleeding to death on a remote island, Superman is powerless in Metropolis and battling more xenophobes. It's shocking how many people other than Lex Luthor have really hated Superman all this time but were afraid to say anything because he might punch them in their stupid mouths. I think I have more respect for Lex Luthor! He's apparently been of the majority opinion all this time but he's the only one brave enough to stand against Superman. But now that Superman has hardly any powers and his secret identity has been exposed, everybody is crawling out of Greg Pak's woodwork to kick his ass. I'm not sure how the knowing his secret identity helps everyone suddenly know who Superman is though. Clark Kent went about for years looking exactly like Superman but nobody noticed. But now that people have seen pictures of Clark Kent (who looks exactly like Superman), they now instantly recognize him on the street?

To be fair, Clark is wearing a Superman t-shirt now. But even before that in the Sneak Peek, his image was causing him trouble. Hell, he was being recognized while wearing sunglasses and a hoodie when he used to be able to hide behind simple glasses. I bet he was recognized more because he was still hanging out with Jimmy Olsen! Although why would anybody recognize Jimmy Olsen? He was a photographer for a local newspaper whose circulation was circling the drain.

I've never been kicked in the groin so hard that I heard it go "KRANCH." I think Superman may have done two serious injuries to this guy.

Oh! I think I just figured out the story that takes place after Batman Loves Superman Annual #2! Was that the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Sneak Peek where he teleports up to the Justice League Satellite to fly a space ship into the sun? Was that how he healed himself? Why am I being forced to figure out the order in which I should be reading DC's stories so that they make sense?!

Superman beats up these guys while reminiscing about a bunny and how his father ran it over in a tractor and how he cried for an hour. Here's my story about a bunny: when I was five years old or so, my mom, grandparents, aunt and uncle, sister, and cousins drove to Kansas to visit my aunt's family. Some of the family were in a military bus my uncle had converted into a recreational vehicle, the rest of us were in my grandparents motorhome. My grandfather was driving and, excitedly, he yelled out, "Look! A bunny! A bunny! Whoops. There goes the bunny," as he ran it over on the freeway. I didn't cry for an hour. My family has been laughing for years over that bunny's sacrifice. Not because it died. That's sad, of course. Boo hoo and all that. Big show of empathy. But my grandfather's reaction was so perfectly timed. He couldn't have set it up any better.

Oh, your father never said that! Greg Pak is saying your father said that because it's such a popular thing to say in the current zeitgeist.

Enough with this blanket bullshit propaganda about never punching down. It's simply creating a generation of whiny assholes who want to be seen as victims so they can declare themselves off-limits for being criticized. Sometimes you punch down not because you're punching down but because debate fucking happens. This whole need to rank everybody in such a way to shut up anybody opposed to your point of view is bullshit that only serves to weaken your point of view because you never have to defend it. You just get to declare that your opinion is valid because you're punching up which makes it miraculously correct. Well, if that's the case, then I get to make fun of Muslims, Christians, and Jews as much as I want because I'm an atheist. And as an atheist, I'm fucking punching up when attacking religion. So fuck off! You can't attack me for my atheism because you're punching down!

Also, if Superman was told to never punch down, how come when he had his super powers, he was constantly punching everything? I don't think he really respects your advice, Jonathan Kent!

After the fight, Superman meets up with a cop who he recognizes from events in Action Comics #42 which, once again, I missed due to my time machine having been stolen because I left it unlocked in front of that 1983 Red Barn I visited last week to pick up a Foghorn Leghorn glass.

The police apparently hate Superman as much as the rest of the DC Universe. They've been given orders to let him get his ass kicked by whoever wants to kick his ass. They're all just so angry at all the trouble he's caused over the years. Normally I wouldn't want to agree with that but for quite some time (decades, maybe?), comic book writers have often gone the lazy route where they tell stories about villains whose only motive is to attack the super heroes. So most of the time, Superman is battling creatures who are only in Metropolis to battle Superman. Which, you would think because Superman is a hero, would cause Superman to go live in his Fortress of Solitude after taking out advertisements on all the Metropolis bus benches letting the villains know where he can now be found.

Clark figures Lex Luthor must be behind the police attitude toward him, so he goes to visit Lex. Why bother, Clark? The people obviously hate you. Why blame Lex at this point? Lex was the only one who allowed his hatred to be public. That doesn't mean he's managed to cause everybody else to hate you too. Although according to Batman Loves Superman Annual #2, Xa-du has the power to make everybody in the world hate Clark Kent. Also Xa-du knew Superman's secret identity. So why is Superman confused about everybody knowing his identity?! Why was his first instinct in Superman #41 to blame Jimmy Olsen when he knows he has villains who know his identity? If they knew it would have caused Superman this much trouble, they probably would have beat Lois Lane to the punch and exposed him themselves.

Lex hasn't done as much research as he might think if he still isn't convinced Clark Kent is Superman. He figured out Batman's identity with even less to go on.

Lex points Superman towards Gotham just to get him out of his hair. Um. Sorry, Lex. No offense intended. Superman doesn't trust Lex but he figures he should probably go see Bruce anyway. He probably should have gone to see Bruce after attacking him due to being poisoned by The Joker. But I guess he was too busy to make sure Bruce was okay after that. Now he's going to be surprised to find out Bruce didn't survive at all!

INSERT BATMAN LOVES SUPERMAN SNEAK PEEK HERE

Superman is beat up by Commissioner Batman but Lex Luthor flies in to help. Remember that bit? The whole thing was about how Superman broke a bunch of laws which he didn't actually break? Superman slinks off while Lex and Commissioner Batman have a chat about how awful Commissioner Batman's gut is. Just like every police officer's gut. Gut isn't evidence, assholes. Following your gut really just means being led by your bias, bigotry, and prejudice.

Imagine that. Asking questions! Following the evidence! What a novel approach to police work!

Superman takes a bus out to the Batcave to find Bruce. But all he finds is a one-handed Alfred. And although the first panel seems to show Alfred missing a right hand, it (and the rest) are laid out in such a way that maybe he isn't missing it. Perhaps the first panel where it looks like the hand is not there as the arm disappears behind Clark's head was a mistake. You know, if Snyder decides to later put Alfred's hand back on. Superman jumps to the conclusion that Alfred is grieving so he asks Alfred to talk to him. Alfred explains that Bruce is dead. After Superman leaves, he remembers that Alfred was trained as an actor so Bruce is probably still alive. Alfred is a really good actor if he could make Superman believe Batman was dead simply by greeting Superman! Although he's kind of a shit actor because after doing his monologue about burying Bruce, Superman stops believing that Batman is dead.

I wonder how difficult it was to allow Greg Pak to have the first moment with Alfred? I bet DC Editorial were really strict about how this scene was handled because Bruce's disappearance had to remain a mystery. And I think that first panel which really shows Alfred missing a hand was a mistake on the artist's part. I think Alfred's arm was supposed to have disappeared behind Clark's head completely so as not to give a definitive answer to whether Alfred was still missing a hand or not.

Clark calls Lois for some reason but he's not sure how to get out what he was calling about. So Lois monologues for a long time about her life and when she finally asks him what he called about, he pauses for a moment. Apparently it's too long a pause because Lois hangs up on him for keeping secrets. Fart noise.

Superman spray paints one of Batman's motorcycles red, analyzes the evidence he got from the Waynetech break-in, then goes to the Gotham City Junkyard to blow up an old car because he knows, for some reason, that will attract Commissioner Batman. I guess they need to work out a way to work together because both of their names are on the cover of this comic book. It can't be constantly about Superman or all of the Batman fans are going to stop reading. Oh wait. Commissioner Batman isn't really Batman so all of the Batman fans are probably going to stop reading anyway.

Batman Loves Superman #21 Rating: -2 Ranking. This whole truth thing is kind of annoying because so much depends on things that haven't happened in front of the reader yet and so nothing can be explained to any reader's satisfaction without spoiling the other comic book stories. For some inexplicable reason, I don't like that. It's not like this story is supposed to create tension as the reader wonders what happened but knows they'll eventually find out organically in the telling of the tale. No, this is just a story that isn't allowed to say a bunch of stuff which is important to the telling of this story and that stuff will never even be revealed in this story because it's part of a different story in a different comic book. It's just a poorly thought out mess that I'm finding I care less and less about with every letter I type. So I should stop typing because now I care about forty-eight letters less than when I began this sentence.

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2

The Annuals should be issues where the characters just get to take a break from crimefighting. I want to see Bruce and Clark on a cruise!

This issue begins with Xa-du because we haven't had enough of this boring asshole yet. I mean, I have had enough of him. But I guess Greg Pak doesn't think his readers have had enough of him. If Greg Pak doesn't watch out, he's going to become my next dead horse. He's precariously close to being a writer whose writing I don't like. That's my polite way of saying that he's a bad writer but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that's just my ignorant opinion and that maybe he's actually a fantastic writer but I just don't happen to like his writing. But if he keeps cramming this idiot Xa-du down my throat, I'm going to unleash the hounds, set the Doomsday Clock to midnight, and get out my Dead Horse Beating Stick. And once I start beating a dead horse, it's very rare that I stop because it's so much fucking fun.

Xa-du was banished back to the Phantom Zone with his ability to escape finally neutralized. But guess what?! He still has the ability to reach out of the Phantom Zone and manipulate people with his Hypno-Impulse! So his next plan is to reach out to all of Batman and Superman's enemies and convince them that Clark Kent needs to die.

Every window in Paris looks out on the Eiffel Tower. I think Escher designed the city.

Yay! Another story where Superman and Batman aren't trying to help people but are simply defending themselves against attack! I can't get enough of stories that show how fucking useless being a superhero is! I just love a good story where all the death and destruction caused is simply because the super hero exists. So inspirational!

I have no idea who the woman in Paris is in the scan above. Phobia? Oh, I bet it's Talia al Ghul, right? There's also a panel showing the Bahamas and a hand with a machete in it. I don't know who the fuck that would be either.

Superman is currently investigating the island where Doomsday exploded everything and killed everybody and whatever the fuck happened in Doomed! The island is on fire and spreading a thick black cloud of Doomsday dust. But Superman knows how to get rid of it and set himself up for a really exciting story where he has to battle Batman's enemies in much the same way Batman has always had to battle them: without any powers! Superman uses his new Exploding Vagina Power to disintegrate everything in a few miles radius around him. Except his power goes KRAKOOM unlike his sister's power which goes FWASH! I guess that's the difference in sound between a vagina exploding and a scrotum exploding. Now he's powerless for twenty-four hours! Just in time for Xa-du's Hypno-Impulse controlled villains to attack him!

Clark heads deeper into the island to await Batman's arrival because he'll be easier to find in the thick jungle than if he remained on the beach. He's looking for the source of the Doomsday Cloud and he finds a bunch of people scavenging medical supplies from one of the abandoned hospitals on the ruined resort island. They've been burning crap that apparently is full of Doomsday's toxins. And then the person in the Bahamas who was influenced by Xa-du attacks.

At least he's starting out with an easy villain.

Now that Superman has a power which causes him to lose his power (pretty much the only reason it was created, by the way), is everybody going to rush out and write their version of the Superman shows how he's a hero even without any powers story? I like Geoff Johns' version where Superman did the right thing in the face of real danger. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this story as much where Superman gets a chance to prove that he's every bit as good at super heroing without powers as Batman is. Batman trained with the best teachers across the planet across many, many years. Superman relies on his invulnerability and super strength. The hardest part of Superman's job is calculating how hard to punch somebody so that he doesn't knock their head clean off of their body. But now he's going to stand toe to toe with Killer Croc, Bane, Talia, and Man-Bat? Bah! I don't even think he could take Man-Bat!

Clark takes a throwing star to the back as he pushes some guy out of the way. It's the same guy he pushed out of the way earlier. I think that guy needs to start getting out of the way on his own. Also, Man-bat must not know what Clark Kent looks like. I will not make a blind as a bat joke because that's a myth and I only deal in truth and facts and self-embellishment. After Clark falls to the ground with a shuriken lodged in his spine, a mysterious woman comes to his rescue!

Now Clark and the mystery woman are stuck back to back by a throwing star.

So she's battling to save her friend (and maybe Clark) while Clark battles to save her friend (and maybe himself) but she's braver? Simply because she doesn't know Batman is coming? You know she's not going to sleep with you for the compliment because she can't hear your Narration Boxing, Clark.

Batman arrives to save their lives and says, "Idiots," as he arrives. What the fuck was that about? They're being attacked by a monster and he's going to chastise them? Does everybody really think the best way to write Batman is to make him a complete asshole?

Hee hee.

Everybody escapes into a manhole and then Bane shoots the Man-bat in the head and kills it. Also arriving with Bane are Cheshire, Killer Croc, and three dozen more Man-bats. They're all hunting Clark Kent and they all have terrifically fast methods of travel and amazingly high tech gadgets that enable them to track Clark Kent. If they're here already, did they see Superman blow his scrotum?

My main question is why are Bane and Killer Croc working together? Xa-du's manipulation doesn't make them forget their past. It just makes them sort of feel like killing Clark Kent. But I think Bane might want a piece of Croc after what he did to him during Batman Eternal. And Croc obviously hasn't forgotten that Bane threw him from the top of Wayne Tower in Arkham War (which is why he humiliated Bane in Batman Eternal!). But now they're just going to forget all the bad blood because they both kind of sort of want to murder Clark Kent for some unknown reason? Bah.

You know what's better than having villains mind-controlled to attack the heroes? Giving the villains a motivation to attack the heroes that makes sense to their characters! But that's hard! And Greg Pak really loves the easy way out.

Clark wants to help Batman stop the thugs but Batman doesn't believe that Clark Kent is ready to go toe to toe with this group of villains (he's right). Batman decides he has to give Clark a quick rundown on the villains so Clark knows exactly why he'll be no help in a fight against them. Batman is a condescending dickhole. Clark Kent is a journalist! I think he knows about these thugs!

Batman tells the civilians to find anything they can use as a weapon and to sit tight while he takes care of business. Janice, the brave woman, uncovers a box full of knives and is all, "Batman sir! Will these do?" Then Clark is all, "I'm going to fight too!" So Batman ties him to a concrete post. Because what better way to use Clark than as bait so Batman can lure the bad guys in close.

Killer Croc breaks through a wall and Clark thinks, "I'm just flesh-and-blood right now and for the first time in ages, I remember what it feels like to be terrified."

Can I ask you a question, Mr. Pak? Do you read the things you write? Do you remember any of the things you write? Because you just recently wrote that story in Action Comics about Smallville turning into a horror story, remember? And remember how the creature devoured fear? And how it made everybody, including Superman, feel terrified? And the way Superman finally defeated the Ultra-Humanite was to allow himself to feel truly terrified so that it would consume too much fear and be sated? Or something like that. However it worked out, I'm fairly certain that the whole point of the story was to show Lana Lang that Superman also feels terror and loss. But now is the first time in ages he's felt scared! Okay. Whatever. I guess this story takes place before that story.

It turns out Clark was in on the "lure Killer Croc in close" plan (although he was still terrified! Coward!). I'm surprised Batman is allowing Clark to act so much in their missions lately. But then Batman and Croc are covered in rubble so now it's up to Clark to save Batman! Unless Janice saves Batman. She is much braver and more competent and less of a puss.

One pillar was taken out and this happens to half the hospital. What a shit building.

The Man-bats are taken out by a poison gas trap but Cheshire, master of poison, is unaffected. But then she's knocked out by a single blow of a pipe to the back of the head. It's like she's not one of the greatest assassins at all! Can Clark at least struggle to defeat Cheshire? My guess is that he got some of his powers back already and he's lucky he didn't completely crush her skull.

As Bane gives chase to Clark, Batman comes out of the jungle riding Croc. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, Killer Croc attacks Bane and they fall off of a cliff and into the ocean (with a little help from some of Batman's non-lethal explosives). Then Batman is all, "I guess you are kind of competent without any super powers. Hmph. Imagine that." Then he leaves Clark behind so that Clark can help Janice and her friends.

But then Janice stabs him in the stomach because Xa-du hypno-impulsed her.

Everything changes? So the writing will be good?

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 Rating: This one ends with yet another villain pointing out that people ultimately hate and fear super heroes. I'm so fucking tired of that mantra. The whole point of super hero stories is to feel inspired and uplifted! Who are these writers who believe that Superman is actually reviled instead of loved? It's tired, idiotic bullshit. And why is Xa-du so fucking powerful? He lost the tech which lets him leave the Phantom Zone but he can still see everything that happens? I could buy (barely) that he somehow had the ability to slightly influence horrible people to kill Clark Kent. I'll even buy into the premise that it somehow affected these few criminals so much that they went out and treated it like a paid hit. But I won't accept that Xa-du has the ability to spy on Clark from the Phantom Zone with his crippled technology, that he was able to see and understand that Superman lost his powers when he used his brand new super power, and was able to perceive the person standing next to Clark and manipulate that person into stabbing him. All while from inside the Phantom Zone. I also don't think Xa-du knows what he's talking about anyway when he calls Bane, Killer Croc, and Cheshire his "most lethal champions." There are far better that could have killed Clark Kent. And the ones he chose? If Superman hadn't lost his powers? They would have been absolutely useless! So why even bother?

Ugh. Greg Pak, you seriously need to try harder. You're coming up with themes that work but then doing a half-assed job turning them into a story. So here you wanted a powerless Clark to be able to prove to Batman that he could handle himself against Batman's enemies. That's actually an interesting kernel for a story. But the thing that kernel turned into? It's a mess! It's not an Ann Nocenti level mess but it still comes across as sloppy because the characters are just cardboard cutouts to move the plot along. I suppose if I wanted to defend you, I could say mind control explains it all. But then I have to believe that Xa-du has this kind of power from within the Phantom Zone even after losing half of his brain? I don't even want to believe that Xa-du exists!

Batman Loves Superman #20

This was the first movie poster cover so far that I didn't recognize. At least not consciously!

Since I didn't know what movie this was parodying, I decided to ask Lord Google. First because of the speed line crap (and because I didn't seem to recognize it), my brain was telling me it might be from The Fast and The Furious. Some of those posters do have an inordinate amount of speed lines but that wasn't right. So then I checked Speed just in case. Superman could have been the bus and Batman Keanu, right? But on that poster, the bus is exploding instead of driving sort of fast. But then my brain proved that it did know this movie poster. I knew I recognized it but just couldn't come up with the movie. But my brain was telling me that it was a movie with Harrison Ford. So I asked Lord Google to look up Harrison Ford movie posters and there it was: The Fugitive. Good job, brain. That was sarcastic. You really shouldn't have to rely on Lord Google, you stupid organ of a bitch.

Oh wait. Did I just hurt my own feelings twice?

Also, I was joking when I captioned the Bill and Ted's cover of Action Comics with "Party time. Excellent." It's been hard not pointing out that I was joking with that caption and I finally cracked! Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is one of the few movies that you'd be really annoyed watching with me since I know all the fucking lines. It's that, Heathers, and Young Guns, both the first and the second one! That's not counting musicals because aren't we all annoying assholes when watching musicals we love? Just shut up and let me watch it without having to hear you sing over my singing!

Previously in Batman Loves Superman, Superman, Supergirl, and Batman have stormed the Bottled City of Kandor because Xa-du the Phantom King had taken it over and was feeding them horrible anti-Superman propaganda. He probably made them read all of Scott Lobdell's run on Superman until they couldn't fucking stand to look at Kal-el anymore. Also, Superman just found out that he was going to have to kick his Nana's ass to keep Xa-du and his tiny Kandorian army from taking over the world.

Superman's Nana explains why she's about to whoop his stanky ass. It turns out the people of Kandor were not completely in stasis. They could hear and see what was going on around them. And every time Superman would blow a masturbatory load into the side of the Bottled City, she grew more and more ashamed that he was kin. Now she's going to put him down! And his cousin too because she's no relation of hers! She's an El! *ptui!*

But why do you hate Supergirl's bum so much? Look at it! It just wants to love and be loved!

I bet Superman is all, "Nana! Stop! Your little Kal-el loves you so much! I can't hit you, Nana!" And then Batman will drop from the cork and say, "I can!" and BLAMMO! Nana takes an uppercut right to the kryptonian dentures!

The scene shifts to Ray Palmer and Hiro in the Ant Farm except it's not Hiro at all like I thought (again!) when I glanced at the page. It's Lois Lane still in her Hiro undercover disguise. Lois has been receiving a Morse Code message from Batman about what's going on and that they could use some help. Maybe. It's also possible she's lying and she just wants to get into the middle of the action so she can write a story about it.

Supergirl also refuses to fight back because it's her best friend Tali she's up against. So she and Superman stand around taking shots of heat vision to the face trying to convince a bunch of brainwashed people that love conquers all and hugs could go a long way to ending this mess. But the Kandorians don't agree and continue to beat the crap out of Superman and Supergirl. Who will save them now?!

Who didn't call this? Not me! I mean, I didn't not call it! You read that I called it a few paragraphs ago, right?!

Now I'm angry! Batman has some red sun right there on the end of his Whomping Stick! It's obviously been shrunk down by Ray Palmer Shrink Ray technology. How about making it the size of a cork and exchanging the normal cork on the Bottled City of Kandor with that bit of red sun? Problem solved without having to hit somebody's Nana in the face! I think Batman just likes beating up old women.

How did J'onn manage that? Aren't suns made out of fire?

Is that how Batman and Ray Palmer also developed Batman's Mini-Red-Sun Gauntlets for his Hellbat costume?

Aunt Mara flies in and disintegrates Batman with her heat vision. Superman screams, "Batman!", forgetting that he has microscopic vision and could see that Batman just pulled the old Ray Palmer Shrinkadoo (or Supes is just acting which is probably not the case because Batman, after the last time he tried to get Superman to ad lib on the "in love with Lois" bluff, wouldn't trust Superman to act his way out of an interview with James Lipton). I bet Batman even planned the whole thing in his Morse Code message to Lois Lane. He's like a genius or something. I bet his IQ is way over 90.

Since Batman isn't around now to fight Superman's battle, he's forced to slam his Aunt's face into the ground and freeze his Nana's head. Supergirl knocks out Tali and the fight is over. I bet their friends and family never forgive them for this! How dare they defend themselves against brainwashed loved ones trying to kill them?! Couldn't they have found a better way?! Couldn't they, at least one more time, have tried making them remember love?

After the battle, Xa-du shatters the Bottled City of Kandor as if the bottle wasn't made from super duper unbreakable Brainiac glass! Pshaw! Comic books are so unrealistic sometimes.

Now Superman has to battle hundreds of tiny little super Kandorians. Maybe it's time to revert back to normal size and suck them all up with his superbreath and then by turning tiny again and spitting them out into a coke can inside a special red sun gerbil cage on board the Ant Farm! If they didn't think up that plan, they're not trying very hard.

Superman blows up Batman's Red Sun Generator and everybody loses their powers. Superman and Supergirl are okay because they're full of Vitamin D. Now all they have to deal with is Xa-du! I say grab one end of his bandages and fly around him super fast so that he spins around so quickly that he gets sick. Then he has to stand there dizzy and naked covering his genitals! I'm pretty sure that's how Scooby Doo and Shaggy always catch the mummy.

Instead the Ant Farm explodes out of Xa-du's bandaged head. It sounds gory but it wasn't as bad as it seems. I'll let Batman explain the technological mumbo-jumbo.

He's also learning how to act! I'm surprised he didn't go, "Batman! Oh my god! Did you see him die like I saw him die? Totally dead, he is! Oh sorrow!"

And, of course, after Xa-du's influence has been removed from everybody's minds, the Kandorians are all appreciative of being saved by Superman and Supergirl! Except Nana, Aunt Mara, and Tali because manufactured drama is so much better than hugs!

Apparently a few Kandorians are stuck in their Xa-du induced madness. It just happens, coincidentally, that Tali and Nana and Aunt Mara are part of that group. But someday they'll be free! Maybe! But now the citizens of Kandor get to be awake and live exciting bottled lives in their newly built bottled city because, I'm guessing, Ray Palmer doesn't want to share his Shrink Ray technology with them so that they can become normal sized and live amongst the humans? No? We can't have that? They'd rather be trapped in their bottle? I think somebody would at least give them a choice, no? What a bunch of dicks.

For a second, I thought Hiro Lois Lane was wearing the Non-Compliant symbol.

And that's pretty much the end except for Superman once more learning that he can't save everyone but everyone thinks that's okay because they know he's doing his best. Okay, not everybody thinks that. Some people think he's a dick. And some people right before they die think, "Fucking great. I'm the person Superman doesn't save! Just my...."

Batman Loves Superman #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a much better Batman Loves Superman than most of the previous ones. Although I don't like the idea of Xa-du being "Batman's Joker." Such a Batman thing to do! Trying to make everything about him. Xa-du is just some guy who hates Jor-el and wants to see his son pay. That's not a Joker at all! That's a guy with a motive and a reason to do what he's doing. It might be insane and it might be targeting the wrong problem but when has that ever been an issue with anybody? Even in The Bible, God was constantly punishing the wrong people simply because he allowed himself to be swayed by his favorite of his Chosen people! Most of his favorites were problematic dickholes, by the way.