Batman #25

They changed their sound so much that I just couldn't get into this album and completely stopped listening to anything new from them after it.

Did somebody forget to splash the paint on the cover of my Batman comic book? It looks like Hotblack Desiato's stuntship. It does look super cool right now while it's sitting there on top of my scanner. But as soon as I pick it up and read it, the cover will be decorated with fingerprints.

The issue begins with some military guys driving through whatever beach resort exists in Nigeria until they come upon a trap door buried in the sand. They're looking for somebody that is a part of something so they can get some other something or something. It's all very mysterious and full of sun glare. I think the comic book was designed to make you go blind as you stare for a long period of time at the cover, tracing the raised surfaces and just making out the off-black font set into the black background. And then you open the comic book and are struck down by all the light ever reflecting off the stark white page.

After the initial fuck you to my eyes, the comic settles back into dark Gotham (story title: "Dark City." Ha ha. Fuck you and your blinding ways, you dickbag creative team!) where the Police are engaged in one of their favorite (and most fruitless) pastimes: chasing The Goddamned Batman!

This issue had better be about this Batmobile being blown into a million tiny bits because I will accept no other reason for this not being Batman's current car.

Batman, of course, gets away because his car can climb walls and hang from ceilings. Just another day in the life of a failed Gotham City Police Department.

Gordon and Bullock are busy investigating some mysterious deaths caused by explosive bone growth. Pamela Isley works with one victim and says she saw a guy that looked "skeletal" walking around the Wayne Enterprises Botany Lab. I guess if a pale guy with severely fucked up dental work looks like a skeleton then Pamela's description was fairly accurate.

Meanwhile Alfred and Bruce discuss his reluctance to work with the Gotham Police Department.

I hardly know why it's a discussion at all! I think Alfred is just one of those people who has to play Devil's Advocate with every fucking decision you make.

Gordon (as you can see by his foot above) arrives at the mouth to the Batcave to discuss the murders of Wayne's employees with him. But Bruce doesn't want to have much to do with even Jim Gordon due to some ugly business involving the murder of Wayne's parents and a Gotham Police Department cover up. I'm sure it involves money somehow. Bruce sends Gordon off with a flock of bats and then heads over to see Lucius Fox about a Dr. Death that he used to work with.

And apparently still does.

The back-up story concerns the secret origin of Harper's electrician powers and the battery that saves Batman's life in the Court of Owls story. I'm pretty sure it's the same battery! This is comic books! Everything is connected!

Batman #25 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not that it was bad! I actually liked the interactions between all of the characters. But it was rather slow and I figure Wonder Woman could use a shot at the top if Batman wasn't going to completely bring his "A" Game this month.

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?

Batgirl #23

Is this story about Gordon hunting Batgirl or Daddy keeping Ricky away from his little girl?

Gail Simone once asked on her Tumblr what people thought of tagging artists in posts about the artists. Did tagging a Tumblr post that criticized an artist's work count as trolling? This is probably pertinent to what I do since I'm a tiny bit critical of Scott Lobdell's work and his talent and his lineage. But when I began this blog, I never even considered that the creators would see anything I was saying. It didn't even cross my mind! I tagged the artists and the writers and the main characters because I figured fans of those things might be interested in what I was writing. I barely expected anyone to read my blog, really. But then Marcus To found a Batwing Post where I simply savaged his cover. And then I felt really bad.

What's odd about that particular commentary is that I tore apart Judd Winick's story as well and yet ended the commentary with this positive review: "Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?" And part of the reason I really enjoyed it was Marcus To's art. And yet I never once complimented the art! I really suck at talking about the art unless it's really, really horrible. If it's amazing, I might throw a line at it which says, "The art is amazing." But mostly I'm concerned with being a huge dick. Once again, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

So to answer Gail Simone's question about tagging and trolling, I never even considered it. I just figured people might want to laugh at what I think of specific comic books. And they need a way to find those specific comic books, right? Sure, now I know I'm being a troll though! So thanks for pointing that out, Gail!

Another thing that usually makes me feel bad when I'm really on a roll trying to destroy the self-esteem of a comic book writer is to see their face. Fucking Lord Google! When I look up "Howard Mackie" to see how much experience he has at punctuating the English language, I don't need you to throw up a picture of him without my consent!

Lord Google: "Hello Governor! Did you want to know about Howard Mackie? Well here he is! He's an actual human being with feelings and dreams! Look into his eyes! Now imagine tears streaming out of those eyes, dick."
Me: "Fuck you, Lord Google! Just give me what I'm looking for and stop trying to guess what I want!"
Lord Google: "Would you like to see his family as well? I can get you a picture of his dog but you won't be able to kick it from there."
Me: "Stop judging me!"

Batgirl begins with Daddy visiting Knightfall in her lair at Three Towers. It's named that because it's three towers. Knightfall isn't the most imaginative psycho in Gotham.

How about charging her with keeping a dolphin in the wall?! She's a monster!

Knightfall makes me miss writing Batgirl's Diary so I can get her and her henchjerks' names wrong. Ignore that apostrophe if I got it wrong. Sometimes when I'm placing punctuation, I think, "What would Howard Mackie do?" And then I think, "I don't have enough time to type out that many dashes."

Meanwhile Babs is out shopping with Alysia in a part of Gotham I've never seen before.

Nobody's getting murdered! Although I have a feeling that baby might be that couple's lunch.

Last month I asked if women use the same sex as baseball analogy as men do and now Barbara is telling Alysia that there "was some first base action." Technically, Babs, that could mean that you threw Ricky out at first. Or that the first base coach slapped you on the ass. Or that the first baseman was caught on camera adjusting his jock. But I understand what you mean! There was kissing! My next question is this: Are cricket analogies used in England and India and other places that think cricket is an entertaining pastime? Not that I think baseball is any more entertaining than cricket! I'm bored to tears by both of them. But I'm not bored to tears by sex! Although sex usually ends in tears. Tears, not tears. Duh.

Tears and tears being two completely different words reminds me that I hate some English words with irrational passion. The one that I almost constantly read incorrectly is, in fact, "read". I read to children. Go ahead. Tell me how that "read" is fucking pronounced. Stupid words.

Alysia and Babs are inappropriately approached by two daft punks and Babs threatens them with a bit of broken crockery. Why ya gotta make the alternative looking guys be the assholes? The assholes should have been some other social group that would have made other people angry instead of me! How dare you portray young white men with tattoos and no shirts as being insensitive to beautiful women! Just keep perpetuating that stereotype! Oh wait a second. I'm not a young white male with tattoos. Also I'm wearing a shirt. Although I have to wonder if I weren't so shy, would I have been a total prick to women in my younger days? It's like watching Dances with Wolves and wondering if you'd have been as culturally sensitive if you had been raised in that time period. Most people think that because they have modern views of sex and race and culture that they'd be the exact same person if they were born in the 1600s. Of course you wouldn't. You'd probably be an asshole.

Meanwhile Daddy Gordon plans on interviewing Ricky about his meetings with Batgirl. But Ricky is a bit busy at the moment.

So Ricky. Do you prefer to be stuffed into the crisper or spread out among the various shelves and milk trays?

Ricky makes one final call before heading out to get killed. He breaks up with Babs because he's fairly certain she's not going to keep dating a corpse. Second base is coming up quick and it just wouldn't be the same, you know? Luckily for Ricky, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl!

Jim Shooter: "Wait. That redhead with no bat symbol on her is Batgirl? I'm so confused."

Um, thanks Jim! But nobody asked you your thoughts on this comic book. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I swore you off. Go back and be a dick while judging comic books and their creators over at your lonely, mean-spirited little blog!

Ouch. I think I just hurt my own feelings.

As Ricky is trying to get away from Jim and Melody on his way to help his brother, he makes a bit of a miscalculation.

Oh ha ha, Mrs. Simone! Very clever. Refrigerator = cooler = prison. Well played! We'll be seeing you, Ricky!

Gordon calls for an ambulance and back-up and then notices a picture of Ricky and Barbara on the kitchen table. Now he's going to have to kill arrest his daughter as well as Batgirl! Because she got to first base with an attempted murderer! I think that's known as aiding and abatting. Oh! I just realized the Baseball Sex Analogy is appropriate because they use bats in baseball! Wow, I'm so quick!

The cops nearly kill Ricky but Babs, having driven the Batgirl Cave to Ricky's location by following a GPS tracker App she downloaded to his phone, knocks them out and saves his life. Babs has given up Batgirl so she's simply dressed as The Ginger Ninja. Damn. That would be a good future name, Babs!

The next page is the double spread of Villains Month. I'm actually stupidly excited for September! It'll also be my 42nd birthday on the 26th of that month, so plan on seeing a bunch of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes as I begin rereading the five book trilogy.

Oh man! Ricky has now entered the abandoned school to confront the Sixty-Eight Kings and that's when I realize the guy with the Plasma Rifle isn't wearing a funky Bane mask but is wearing a device for his broken nose! Holy shit. That medical paraphernalia is cooler than probably half a dozen costumes in The New 52! Nice job fooling me into thinking a new Super Villain was being introduced, Fernando!

Why does a gloomy city like Gotham need skylights in every building?

Here's The Christian Ginger Ninja at work saving Ricky! She makes the God comment and I think she wears a cross at times, doesn't she? I don't know Barbara's religious leanings (whether they've been mentioned or I just haven't been paying attention, I don't know) but if I had to guess, I'd bet she is a real mild kind of Christian. Like she believes in a Creator and a loving savior because she kind of needs there to be justice not just in Gotham but in the universe as well. Maybe she's Unitarian. My friend Mandy once called the Unitarian Church "a train station for lost souls." I wish somebody would think up a short catchy phrase for all the different Christian denominations so I could tell them apart! My religious education ended after I was baptized as a Catholic not long after birth. I think the priest said something negative about my mother's choice of names for me and my mom's reaction was not, "Oh! I don't want to offend the church! Please, let me rectify the situation so that God will be pleased!" Her reaction would better be characterized as "Fuck you."

My Spanish grandparents wedding picture in the living room of their home was at the courthouse in Santa Clara. Then they had a second wedding picture that most people assumed was their real wedding picture. But what it was was a church wedding since the church either outright told them or intimated that their children would be viewed as out of wedlock with only the legal preceding. This whole story could be a Family Myth but I still like it!

Meanwhile Knightfall is preparing for a war that's currently only in her own deluded mind.

Yay! I was wondering when we were going to learn more about Batgirl's past enemies being freed from prison!

I get it! Her name is Knightfall and she's releasing all of Batgirl's enemies on Gotham to break the Batgirl! Although breaking the Batgirl would just recreate Oracle, so that's not an outcome Knightfall is going to be happy with. Although a lot of DC Fans would shit themselves in joy if Batgirl's back were broken. Man, I thought I was cruel!

Back at the abandoned school, Batgirl and Ricky have managed to take down or chase away the majority of the thugs. Just the leader, Tyrell, is left and Ricky is about to shoot him.

I hear she makes some pretty wicked tamales.

Daddy Gordon and the police arrive just as Ricky is about to kill Tyrell before Tyrell can kill Ricky's brother. But the only person who fires a shot is Daddy Gordon and Babs is left cradling a blood-soaked Ricky that has been shot in the chest. So Ricky? Whirlpool, Maytag, or Frigidaire?

Batgirl #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. This felt like the most tightly controlled story of Batgirl so far. While I'm not a fan of Gordon hunting down Batgirl, Simone managed to win me over just on the way she's telling the story. I like that there is a lot going on and it's playing out nicely paced. I'm very happy to see Charlotte back so that I can discuss her normally even though I did like discussing her in Batgirl's Diary Voice. I suppose Daddy is going to arrest his little girl next issue although I don't think she's done anything wrong except being in the wrong place and dating the wrong guy and having a father that heard about this guy getting to first base with his daughter.

Batman #19

I thought it was going to be the IRS.

Bruce Wayne has had enough time to grieve over Damian. He should be completely back to normal now, dating lots of cheap women and buying up lots of sexy property. I just have a few last questions about the death of Robin. What did Bruce Wayne tell people about Damian's death? According to Channel 52, everybody knows that Robin died. So is anybody asking any questions about how coincidental it was that Robin and Bruce Wayne's son died about the same time? Is anybody investigating Bruce Wayne on child endangerment or neglect charges? Maybe Gordon is going to check it out this issue and that's why he's suddenly become Bruce Wayne's greatest foe. Or else this is just more stupid bullshit like the Jimmy Olsen cover over in Action Comics.

This issue begins with Gordon and all the police that Gotham could spare surrounding a bank being robbed by Bruce Wayne. "It's probably just a guy in a mask!" the astute reader proclaims as he takes another hit of Mountain Dew. "Not so fast!" challenges Scott Snyder as he quickly writes up some dialogue between Bullock and Gordon about having gotten some "lab work" back that proves beyond a snowball's shadow of a doubt in hell that the person inside robbing the bank and killing hostages is definitely Bruce Wayne. "My God! Damian's death must have really cracked him up!" exclaims the reader now thoroughly convinced that this must be Bruce Wayne because science said so! But then some other readers have probably just set down Action Comics utterly disappointed at the whole Jimmy Olsen cock up who are snorting and clucking their tongues and shouting at the walls, "Fuck you, DC! Why am I still buying your comic books after this New 52 bullshit where you shaved off Lawton's mustache and denied Wally West his position as the best Flash ever! You will rue the day! RUE IT!"

I, on the whatever hand I'm on, believe it is Rex Mason and he's gone insane from the imminent death of Element Girl in a future issue of Justice League of America! And the woman he's holding hostage is Sapphire Stagg and she's in on it with him! You have to admit that's more plausible than Bruce Wayne actually perpetrating this crime.

Oh look! Even Jim is beginning to figure it out!

I'm a full step ahead of Jim Gordon because he trusts science. But I know science is full of lying scientists that are just trying to make people who believe in God feel bad. I also don't think Harvey Bullock is very good at reading so he probably read the lab work results incorrectly. It's too bad Gordon puts his trust in science and in Harvey and in his friendship with Bruce Wayne instead of Jesus and/or his gun because it costs him dearly.

I guess we know who is going to be the new Oracle now!

As Gordon is lying on the ground smoking and dying, he notices the Bat Symbol underneath Bruce Wayne's shirt and probably thinks, "For a day with a lot of shocks, that has got to be the biggest of them all!" But it's not! Because the next thing Bruce does is run over Gordon's stomach on his motorcycle. Ha ha! Take that, Commissioner Pig!

That scene ends and the next one begins with the date stamp of Six Days Ago. So now I guess we get to find out why Bruce Wayne is being such a dick and how it all works out in the end and Gordon somehow survives what just happened to him without needing a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.

Six days ago, Batman was fighting with a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. No, no. Six days ago, Batman was watching an old video of himself fighting a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. Robin appears and sniffs the flowers and is then told by Batman that they've been poisoned. But everybody remains calm because super heroes never die and they have plenty of time to take the antidote. Apparently Batman records all of his adventures. He's probably planning to sell them all to Dark Horse Comics when he retires. Alfred comes down to check on him and make sure he isn't training a new boy already.

I don't think Batman has forgiven Alfred yet for allowing Damian to leave the Bat Cave the night Damian died.

Batman learns that an employee of Wayne Industries has recently killed himself and Batman finds it incomprehensible so he looks into the matter. The man, Brian Wade, was recently being investigated on murder charges. The police had plenty of lab work proving that it was him but Batman can't believe it. So now Batman has to investigate and hope he doesn't end up committing a bank robbery and murder and then going home and killing himself!

Batman's investigation turns up some evidence that Wade wasn't in town the week of the murders and it also turns up a guy that looks like Wade. The guy that looks like Wade uses a weapon that looks like a flamethrower. He gets away from Batman, leaving Batman to go back to relying on his lousy detective work. But it's a good thing the Bat Computer does good detective work because it figures out that the blood on Batman's batarang that had been lodged in Wade's skull has trace amounts of Clayface in it. After that, Bruce Wayne gives the readers a lesson on shape-shifters in other cultures before wondering, "Who's DNA will he absorb next?"

Oh! I know how Batman is going to defeat this newly mutated Clayface! Bukkake! The multiple types of DNA splashed on Clayface all at once will cause him to freak out and go into shock whereby he can be crated up and sent to Arkham.

But before that happens, Clayface needs to get Bruce to swallow his DNA tube.

Why do all of these Batman books devolve into semen flinging contests? I guess that's what happens when the super hero's name is a type of phallus. Or a winged rodent, I guess.

Now Clayface has Bruce's DNA and he'll be able to rob banks and shoot Commissioners as Bruce Wayne! I'm not sure how the DNA enables Clayface to change his undershirt into Batman's costume.

The back-up story has Superman paying a visit to Gotham City.

Batman doesn't want to talk about it because eventually Superman is simply going to say, "Why the fuck were you dragging a ten year old into life-threatening situations, you stupid bastard?"

Batman and Superman investigate some Lovecraftian shit going down in The Narrows and eventually run into a sanity draining version of Slimer.

And Batman still won't open up to Superman.

Batman #19 Rating: No change. I should probably go out and buy the Injustice Video Game later and play as Aquaman the entire time simply to enjoy watching him get his ass handed to him by everybody else. Even Green Arrow! That had nothing to do with Batman but what the fuck more can I say about Batman? It's still good. Maybe this title needs Tom DeFalco on it to shake things up a bit and keep me guessing.