Catwoman #40

Another poster I knew close enough to get partial credit, rounded up, leaving my guessing the movie poster streak at 100%!

After walking to the comic book store a week and a half ago, I stopped by The Pied Cow to meet the Non-Certified Spouse and a couple of friends. I brought out the movie poster covers from that week to see if everybody recognized them. Catwoman was the only one nobody was sure about. But I said I was pretty sure it was a Steve McQueen movie and that the title of the movie was a single name. But I just couldn't remember the fucking name. So I asked Lord Google to give me some "Steve McQueen movie posters" and there it was: Bullitt. And then I had to watch the San Francisco car chase from the movie on YouTube. And I'm nauseated! Not just from the footage being shot from the inside of a muscle car driving fast on the hills of San Francisco but from the memories of being a passenger in my cousin's monster truck driving on those hills. Holy fuck I don't think I've ever been more scared then when he parked sideways on one of those steep hills in a fucking truck cab raised four feet off the ground. I thought for sure we were going to roll sideways down the hill.

I used to have nightmares about driving the hills in San Francisco. For whatever reason, I was terrified to drive up those steep hills. I didn't mind coming down them but going up completely freaked me out.

Who wants to bet the issue begins with some historical correspondence?!

"And I was all, 'Cleo's kid ain't even Caesers, ya know? Know how I know? Cuz he's jus' inta rim jobs, get me? That kid? That's Titus Pullo's kid fer sure cause ya know Pullo donna pullout! Har!'" -- Antony

Selina is beginning to see too many similarities between herself and Cleopatra. She's probably hoping that before she loses everything to a Roman, she can pull her asp out of the fire. Oh!

Holding one of Falcone's men hostage, Selina is hoping to put the Black Mask in the same position he tried to put her in with Nick and his betrayal. She's forcing his hand by asking that he send Mason to speak with her or the Falcone man dies. That puts pressure on Black Mask to cave to her demands or face the wrath of the Falcone family because he's putting their man in danger just to avoid dealing with Selina. She's already been threatened with a gang war so she doesn't have anything to lose. If the war starts this way, at least she knows Black Mask will have as many enemies as she does with the added benefit that she gets to make the first move.

Nobody is quite sure who the Forster Lane Book Club will side with, so Selina, having gotten in good with Lewis, one of its members, decides to pay their leader a visit.

Penguin is probably still angry that Catwoman dragged him into an Ann Nocenti story.

Penguin and Catwoman part company with some kind of respect for each other and the way the other does business. And since The Penguin's goals are loftier than any other crime boss can possibly imagine, he acts like he doesn't really care what happens during this turf war. As long as he gains the right turf and the right allies, he seems content to let the others bicker for scraps. I think he's just an arrogant, uninteresting jerk who's giving penguins a bad name!

Selina's people kick off some minor skirmishes on Hasigawa's docks to lure out Black Mask. Selina lets the Falcones have their man back. The cops get involved and somebody sets off the Bat-signal when the Egyptian Club is hit by another group. And Alvarez and Keyes are still trying to figure out why they're still in this comic book and whose side they're on and whether or not they trust each other or anybody at all.

They might as well be Laurel and Hardy.

Selina beats Alvarez and Keyes to their stool pigeons (or their wannabe rats?). Mason tries to take Antonia hostage because taking hostages is the cool thing to do. But Selina slices him open and sends him on his way. Although he does manage to shoot Antonia in the knee before skulking out of Gotham with some juicy family history that Selina will probably want to learn. Eventually. Now Selina will probably tell Antonia that she's an idiot for not following orders and staying away for the night.

Just like that!

Then Catwoman waves at Batman and the gang war takes a break for a couple of months.

Catwoman #40 Rating: No change. I really need the Cliff's Notes version of this story! Or some kind of relationship flow chart so I know who is in bed with who and who trusts what and which gang is besties with which other gang and who keeps tattling to Alvarez and Keyes and how often Eiko and Selina have sex. I'm just so confused! I think I kind of know what's going on but I don't really trust my memory to keep it all straight. And maybe dumb down some of that historical context for me, Genevieve! Sheesh! Who knows anything about the relationship between Caeser and Cleopatra! Did they know each other? Didn't they live on different continents? How did ancient people travel very far when they only had camels and jogging briskly as traveling options? Also weren't they just fictional characters invented by Christopher Marlowe under a pseudonym?! How about using some letters from Kurt Vonnegut or Ernest Hemingway next time. They're writing style is easily comprehended by seventh graders! I think I could handle that.

Catwoman #38

It's fuckfight time!

I hope this comic book earns its Teen Plus Rating this month. Maybe Batman is stopping by to apologize for constantly being a patronizing dickhole. And to borrow some cash because he's all kinds of flat broke right now. Probably horny too. When is the last time Bruce Wayne got laid? Was it the pianist, Natalya?

This issue begins with more ancient correspondence that is practically in another language. Something about how Selina had to kill Nick or else the other crime families would have smelled weakness all over her. But by having Nick killed, she filled Antonia with poison and fangs or something. It's all very convoluted because that's what happens when you let people into your life. Suddenly your actions affect the way they feel and it's like, "Ugh! I just want to do whatever I want without being bothered by consequences!" That's why at thirteen, I told my entire family to fuck off! Oh wait. That's what I'm planning to do on the thirteenth of this month.

If killing family is good enough for the Queen, then it must be good enough for me! Can you rent chainsaws?

This issue must have a fuckfight in it because it's called "The Serpent." Rim shot!

Oh! I hope the fuckfight features rimming!

Selina is leaving Antonia behind as she answers an invitation to a meeting with the Black Mask. Black Mask's meeting isn't so much as a trap as an open invitation to Selina's execution. Selina knows it but what better way to make a fool of a foolish asshole like Black Mask than to kick his ass when he thinks he has the upper hand?

Doing it with your high heeled shoe is just the cherry on top.

Hopefully Selina will strangle Black Mask with her thong next! I was going to suggest she do it with her bra but judging by her shirts which constantly hang open to her belly, she doesn't wear a bra. Speaking of Selina's bras, did she lose two full cup sizes since going from Catwoman to Crime Lord?

Black Mask's mask just grins stupidly as he listens dumbfounded to Selina put him in his place. I bet after she walked out, he sputtered and ranted about how he's the goddamned Black Mask and nobody treats him that way for like ten minutes as his bodyguards looked around nervously trying not to laugh.

Selina leaves the meeting less concerned about the business of the Calabrese family and more interested in how she's going to ruin Black Mask.

Later that night, Batman tries to take her into custody for running guns. She asks him to trust her to do her vigilante thing her way just like he does his vigilante thing his way but he says that he's a man and she's a woman which somehow explains his reasoning somehow. Okay, he doesn't actually say those things but it's totally in his body language and his history of talking down to Selina and his throbbing bulge in his Bat-codpiece. Selina is tired of his shit which can only mean one thing:

LET THE FUCKFIGHT COMMENCE!

It's almost like I only read Catwoman for the fuckfights.

The fighting part of the fuckfight ends and then it's on to the fucking part of the fuckfight!

Whoops! Looks like Batman comes in his Batpants in that second panel and Selina doesn't take too kindly to it.

Then the new Catwoman arrives! Holy shit! A fuckfight à trois!

Catwoman is just checking in to make sure everything is going okay and that the gun deal is being stopped. Which is also why Batman is there. And also why Selina is there. So what's the problem? Oh right! The problem is only Batman is trying to stop it his way which is the right way. If only he realized what a benefit having Selina and Eiko running two of the crime families would be since they love to undermine their own deals! That's a lot of crime that never even winds up happening!

Batman once heard Alfred say that to somebody somewhere.

Catwoman walks away with some final biting words to Batman and he lets her go because what more is there to do? He already came in his Batpants!

Antonia winds up in jail since the gun deal was busted due to an anonymous tip. The guns got away and were probably dumped in the ocean since Selina's plan all along was to get them out of Gotham. Falcone's men on the dock were busted with all the heroin, so that's off the streets as well. At least until the corrupt Gotham cops start selling it themselves. But a lot of trouble has been stirred up by the deal gone wrong and Hasigawa has moved one step closer to turning his back on the Calabrese family and working with Black Mask instead.

I don't think anybody in Gotham is unclear about who the anonymous tip was. Selina had Nick killed and she's still found herself on the outs with the criminal underground, including her own family.

Shouldn't some huge, culturally relevant diamond come to town to be put on display for a couple weeks at this point? And shouldn't it be stolen by a master cat burglar?!

Meanwhile, things just get more complicated.

What?! I'm already having enough trouble following all the ins and outs of the manipulations and power plays!

The problem with bringing The Penguin into this mess is that now I have to remember all the previous, horribly written interactions between The Penguin and Catwoman!

The story ends with Selina spying on Mason (Black Mask's toady who has, on at least two different occasions, seemed overly concerned with Selina and her family's welfare) because she needs to know if Black Mask is going to try to kill Antonia for the gun deal debacle. Selina wanders off and almost gets hit by a car but is saved by Mason. When she asks him why he would bother saving her, he says, "What are brothers for?" Wait, whut?

I wonder if Genevieve Valentine is going to make sense of all of the stuff Ann Nocenti wrote about Selina Kyle's past? Is this the brother she had when she was an orphan on the street that I can't remember anything about because I read it so long ago and don't have the drive to dig through my comic book boxes to refresh my memory? That question is so somebody else will remind me what happened in Selina's early years!

Catwoman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. Well written but damn if my brain is about to hit an overflow limit with the characters and relationships in this book! If this were a movie, I'd be the asshole two rows behind you constantly going, "Who was that guy again? What's he to her? Wasn't he in Lord of the Rings and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The X-Files and Alien Resurrection and Deadwood?" Quick! Guess who I'm talking about! He was also in everything else ever filmed!

Arkham War #5

This is the last comic book I read that has "unleashed" on the cover! I really mean it this time! Come up with a new word, DC!

Okay, DC! I've done the difficult research for you by consulting Lord Google. Here are some other ways this cover could have gone!

"DISGUST DISCHARGED!"
"LOATHING LET LOOSE!"
"FRIGHT FREED!"
"REPUGNANCE RELEASED!"
"CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

Okay, maybe "unleashed" is the most viable which is why you overuse it. But I'm quite partial to "CONSTERNATION VENTED!"

In previous installments, Bane had disclosed hostilities on Gotham City which was currently overrun by deranged escapees from Arkham. That's probably why the comic book is called Arkham War. The regular citizens of Gotham are currently just trying to survive. Just like every other day in Gotham! Except most days nobody winds up in rowboats being sent out of the city by Jim Gordon and Agatha Greeksurnameopolis. Most days also don't involve Talons murdering the life out of everybody. Sure, some days have ended that way! But it's still fairly unusual. Not the kind of day you want to get caught outside without your full Kevlar body suit.

Bane loves going out in this weather.

Bane quickly finds himself in a full Talon downpour while William Cobb (the only Talon loyal to Bane) heads off on a super secret mission of secrecy. Bane is just the distraction because he can survive an assault of seven or so Talons. Or so he thinks! Batman survived being attacked by even more than that although he had help from Alfred. Alfred's help is probably worth four Talons alone. All Bane has is his ego and piles of dead soldiers to not fight beside him.

I'm not sure how you're supposed to defeat Bane but I am almost certain the secret is not anal beads.

As Bane keeps the Talons busy, Cobb returns from above, swinging down on a huge chopper blade to slice all the talons in twain. And since Talons don't die, Cobb is allowed a quiet moment to explain to them that they will soon regenerate right past the Scarecrow's mind control grip on them. I suppose they'll decide to follow Cobb back into battle. But I believe the Arkhamites still have one Talon in Henry Ballard! I don't really remember anything about that Talon but I'm pretty sure he wasn't present for Cobb's cutting party.

Back in Arkham, Scarecrow is thinking about contingency plans since controlling the Talons was never a sure part of the plan. His back-up plan was to get a sample of Bane's Venom to use against him. It seems that each and every Arkham escapee involved in the war is going to take a dose of the venom.

This is going to wind up a lot like the first horrible story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight.

Nobody here wants to use the Venom because that junk is crazy shitballs. So they refuse to drink. Too bad Crane wasn't using the wine as a delivery system. Instead, he piped the Venom into the room in gaseous form. So everybody is fucked. At least nobody took if voluntarily in this comic book! I still don't know what the fuck was up with all of the residents of Arkham tainted by Venom in Finch's initial story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight. That shit was so fucking awful. It may have been the worst end to any of The New 52's first issues when Venomized Two-Face appears and claims that he is now One-Face! What the fuck did that even fucking mean?! In a way, I kind of miss a lot of that amateur shit that was going down in the first year of The New 52! It's much harder to make fun of comics when I have to constantly lie and purposefully misunderstand the plot to find even a smidgen of humor for my commentaries.

At least the cover makes sense now! Even if it basically spoiled the final page.

Arkham War #5 Rating: No change. Another issue that felt like not much happened. Although I guess a lot did. Jim and Agatha are rescuing people. Bane defeated the Talons. The Scarecrow turned all of his allies into muscular brainless monsters. Hmm. That's it. So three things happened. And three things is not a lot. So I guess I was wrong when I guessed a lot happened. Never mind.

Rogues Rebellion #4

What the fuck? Did Bane and everybody else take a time out in their Arkham War to beat the shit out of a few out-of-towners?

As the issue begins, we're (I accept all of you as my traveling companions in the World of DC's New 52. Shall we get a drink at the hostel bar before heading out? Maybe a little hanky-panky in the shared bathroom while a drunk German vomits out a lung in the stall next to us while intermittently shouting, "Her-ka! Her-ka! *BLAAAARGH*") introduced to The New 52 Royal Flush Gang. It's possible they showed up for a brief moment in Forever Evil but a lot of fucking assholes cameoed in that so forgive me if I can't quite recall. They're operating out of Atlantic City at the "Man of Steal" casino. Which looks like The Daily Planet. I get that it's just themed like Metropolis but if I were Clark Kent, I'd be a little bit worried that they might be on to my secret identity over there in Atlantic City. I bet Las Vegas runs odds on the most likely candidates for Superman's secret identity. And probably Batman and all the others. I wonder what the payout was for guessing that Dick Grayson was Nightwing? I bet the odds were near even on that bet since Bruce Wayne has got to be fucking front runner for being Batman. Odds makers don't fuck around. They know shit. They're practically mystic shaman.

Anyway, The Royal Flush Gang remind me why the cover is the way the cover is and why a bunch of psychotic assholes might actually take a moment to break from war to capture The Rogues. I forgot that The Crime Syndicate put out a hit on them. And The Royal Flush Gang wants that cash control of all gambling from coast to coast. Who the fuck is going to have time to gamble in this fucked up world run by super assholes?

The Royal Flush Gang is confusing. The guy in the throne seemed to obviously be The Ace of Spades and yet the Ace of Hearts calls him "King." Do these fuckers know how cards work?

Back in Gotham, Mirror Master learns what Mister Freeze really wants.

Silly Putty! Why didn't Plastic Man go with that name and take the lucrative product tie-in deal!?

Mirror Master chooses not to help Mister Freeze which is mostly okay because, apparently, Clayface can actually use the powers of the person he replicates if their powers are a result of a change in genetic structure. So if Clayface sucks down some of Weather Wizard's sweet, sweet DNA, then Claypuss can control the weather! Wow. Clayface can really get pretty powerful, can't he?

Meanwhile in a police impound lot, The Trickster, having been separated, meets up with a cool guy in a hoodie. He doesn't seem suspicious at all, hiding his facial features and slinking around in the dark. He's probably a priest or a doctor or something not crazy or scary at all. The Trickster thinks he's a bit creepy but what does The Trickster know? People are probably more dangerous in Central City than in Gotham.

No, no. The guy turns out to be Zsasz. I knew Talon went too easy on him over in Arkham War. Fucking Talon can't do anything right.

Who's posting pictures of Zsasz on Tumblr? Who the fuck are they shipping him with? I'd go with Ferdie. #Ferdsz

Back at the main action, Weather Wizard comes about and Heatwave tells Mister Freeze that he "ain't no Captain Cold." You're fucking telling me! I hate friggin' Mister Freeze! Taking all of Captain Cold's glory simply because Mister Freeze wound up on the big screen. And even though it was a crappy movie, it was still publicity. So now even people who don't like Batman or comic books still know who Mister Freeze is. But he doesn't deserve that kind of recognition. Not at all. Captain Cold is a fucking captain! Mister Freeze is just, like, your neighbor or something! "Oh, good morning, Mister Freeze. Nice day today, yeah?"

The fight is a bit of a stalemate when Black Mask and The Best Fucking Gang in Gotham arrive on the scene.

Seriously. Best fucking gang ever. Although they really could use a raccoon. And a kitten. At least they've got a goat. Also note how poor Clayface is, yet again, being verbally abused because of his looks.

As the Rogues are getting their asses handed to them, The Trickster arrives with their getaway vehicle. But they still can't get away until Heatwave stays behind to blow himself up in a gigantic conflagration that might kill The Bunny and maybe The Monkey but none of the really important super villains. It does, though, give the Rogues (minus Heatwave) a chance to escape. So Heatwave proves that he is a big softy and not the asshole he was trying to make me believe that he was. Too bad I don't give a shit about him or this might have been a nice moment. Also, no way in fuck is he (or Mister Freeze or Clayface or Black Mask) dead. Did I need to type that? That's obvious, right? Comic Books 101!

As the Rogues are leaving Gotham, the Royal Flush Gang catches up with them. They point out that they have The Glider and that she's going to die if The Rogues don't give themselves up to be turned over to The Crime Syndicate where they'll all die anyway. Including Glider. The Royal Flush Gang aren't very good at doing their homework though since they fly in on shiny, reflective metal cards. Which means they're all going to wind up in Mirror World in about seven seconds.

Rogues Rebellion #4 Rating: No change. Some enjoyable moments here but it felt like mostly treading water. I suppose Heatwave's sacrifice was the big moment here. And how he's once again stated his mistrust of Captain Cold. Maybe Mick is going to be out since he seemed the least able to get with the "Rogues are Family" program.

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?

Detective Comics Annual #1

Why even ask such a ridiculous question on the front cover?

There's a big surprise plot twist on the opening page of the Detective Comics Annual! It begins with a splash page! Actually, that isn't a plot twist at all especially if you noticed that Tony S. Daniel wrote this comic. My guess is that a big double page splash will happen when I turn the page! And then after turning the pages a few more times, another double page splash! My prediction is that the first double page splash will have lots of bats in it if it is of Batman or lots of lightning if it is of Jeremiah Arkham or lots of masks if it is of Black Mask.

This might not be the place for it but I take back my predictions about the contents of the splash pages! I already forgot that Tony Daniel isn't doing the art for this book, he's merely writing it. So while he'll still probably write in all the double page spreads, maybe they'll be more dramatic than the way he usually uses them.

Commissioner Gordon is paying a visit to the Asylum to investigate the Black Mask's escape. While he's there, he finds Dr. Arkham talking to some bedsheets. I guess running an insane asylum can really wear on your sanity. It turns out that during The Night of the Owls, the Black Mask screwed with Arkham's version of reality so that Arkham never knew The Black Mask was gone. I thought maybe James Gordon escaped with the Black Mask but I think he escaped during The White Rabbit story arc. Maybe he escaped during the riot at the beginning of Batman #1. Or perhaps one of the other dozen riots that's occurred since then. Perhaps Arkham should make some adjustments to his security protocols and his background checks when hiring staff.

Meanwhile on the first double splash page of the comic book...

What do you think Mad Bull's plan was? Rob the carnival concession stands?

Look at Batman ride that bull! I've never ridden a real bull before but I have taken a shot at a mechanical bull. When I was twelve years old, my friend Bob and I made a pact that when we turned 21, we would go down to The Saddle Rack (a bar in San Jose) and ride their mechanical bull. That was the last I heard about that until the weekend I turned 21 when he reminded me of our pact at 12 years old and we went out and did it. It was fun and not scary at all. And my girlfriend at the time got me a Lobo t-shirt. That story wasn't as exciting as it probably should have been. One of us should have been thrown from the bull to land on the dance floor unharmed only to end up kicked to death by a passel of line dancing cowboys.

Batman and Mad Bull bust up the carnival for a bit. The Mad Bull screams something about being late, hits Batman with a Roller Coaster support beam, and rushes off to the Merry Go Round. What's with the "I'm late?" crap? Is this more Alice In Wonderland crap? I wonder if Batman wishes that book had never been written. The heads are missing from the Merry Go Round and this upsets the Mad Bull for some reason. Perhaps the jewels on the creatures were real? Whatever he wanted, Batman stops him by removing the Bull Mask. Oh darn! Another villian, like Goat Boy from Batman, Incorporated, who I thought was cool but is just another normal joe. Once the mask is removed, Mad Bull turns into a slobbering, staring dumby. Batman uses his supreme detective skills (because this is Detective Comics!) to determine that this has to be the work of The Mad Hatter! I mean, The Black Mask!

Oh no wait! I mean The Mad Hatter!

Okay so my joke answer was a little bit correct. The Mad Bull was being controlled by The Mad Hatter who was responsible for hiding the masks of the False Face Society while their leader, The Black Mask, was in Arkham! The Mad Hatter must have hid the masks on the Merry Go Round figures. It looks like The Mad Hatter was trying to get Mad Bull to get the masks but The Black Mask beat him to it. At least that's my guess from what Batman's revealed so far to Alfred.

Unless I've got that all wrong because I think that Dwarf with the club is The Mad Hatter. Who seems to be working with The Black Mask here. Maybe that's just a different short person. I'm sure Batman will explain it all in a few pages!

Oh yeah, that was Double Splash Page #2! The artist also crammed two small panels in the corner but that was probably against the wishes of Daniel's script. Two double splash pages is usually Tony's limit but this is an annual so I expect at least one more.

Okay, my guess was totally wrong so ignore it and start over! A guy named Edgar Dempsey was in charge of the masks when The Black Mask was put away. Instead of helping The Black Mask beat the charges, Dempsey double crossed him. Black Mask was put in Arkham and the other masks lost their power. The Society broke up. But Dempsey gave the masks to The Mad Hatter who is currently undercover as the dwarf. It's a whole double cross double con long con stingamachoo so that Mad Hatter can get his hands on The Black Mask. And even though it's all kind of confusing, Batman had it figured out as soon as he caught Mad Bull. Because he's a detective!

Third double splash page! And fuck the museum's glass roof! Bruce Wayne can do whatever he wants since he's a Double Platinum Gold Member!

Batman breaks up the fight for a second but then is thrown into a dinosaur skeleton while the mind control guys fight amongst themselves on yet another double splash page.

Fourth double splash page!

Batman swings in and knocks The Mad Hatter out by shoving his face into the ground as he kicks Black Mask in the face. The mask cracks and there's an explosion of white light. And then Batman may or may not have put the mask on. He doesn't remember anything after that moment. But The Black Mask ends up back in Arkham and the Black Mask's mask ends up in evidence in the Gotham Police Headquarters. The mask seems to hold power over anybody who tries it on, like an artifact in Dungeons and Dragons. If Batman was tempted to wear it in the museum then it must be a really strong magic lure. And if he did wear it, he'll now be tempted to break it out of evidence and use it in a later issue of Detective Comics. But as of now, this issue is over. Oh! One more thing...

"Oh, um, yeah! That Black Mask jerk came in through the overhead skylight. Shattered everything. All that stuff was broken by the time I got there. Also that building with the wall smashed in where Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum were found buried under a bookshelf? That was like that already as well."

Detective Comics Annual #1 Rating: No change because I don't change the ranking of a comic based on the quality of the Annual. Which is too bad because this is the best issue of Detective Comics yet! That somehow seems like a scam. Shouldn't the Annual be an example of the comic book series? Isn't it so that a customer can check out the series without getting too invested in the regular title? "Oh, I think I'll check out Detective Comics by picking up the annual. Hey! This story was really well put together! Maybe a bit heavy on the double splashes but Annuals have a lot more pages to fill, so I understand. I'm sure that's not how the regular comic is. But judging by this, I think I'll start reading Detective Comics! Maybe pick up the trade!" Later: "I'm sorely disappointed in my purchases!"