"Justice League Spooky" is a much better name than "Justice League Dark."

Justice League Dark #40

This movie variant is a bad idea because there is no way this issue will be as entertaining as Beetlejuice.

So far I've tried to pick up every movie poster variant cover available but my comic book store just randomly chooses between the regular cover and variant when they shove them in my box. So I looked up the issues that I knew I wasn't able to grab to see if I recognized them. So far on the covers I've gotten, I've recognized them all except Batman Loves Superman's The Fugitive poster. Although I did know it was a Harrison Ford movie and found the poster by asking Lord Google to find me a "Harrison Ford movie poster." I missed Sinestro which was a Westworld variant and I would have recognized that one. I also missed Batman and Robin which was a Harry Potter poster and I would have guessed that one. I also missed Green Lantern Corps which was for Forbidden Planet and I'm not so sure I would have recognized that one. When I looked it up via Lord Google, the real movie poster popped up side by side with the Green Lantern Corps cover so I didn't get a chance to guess it. But since the poster relies so heavily on Robbie the Robot and he's been replaced by Kilowog, I'm not sure I would have placed the rest of it. Probably though! I'll just give myself a pass for all the covers I missed and give my self partial credit, rounded up, for Batman Loves Superman. Which means I'm 100% on guessing the correct movie so far!

The last five issues of this comic book dealt with Justice League Dark trying to save themselves and stop the universe from ending all at the same time. But I guess they failed because last issue ended with all of them being sucked up into Pralaya's vagina. But immediately after that happened, John Constantine inside the House of Mystery was expelled from Pralaya's goose stretcher. I ran out of things to call a vagina so I need to start making up some new ones. That's what happens after you've written around 2100 commentaries on comic books and you enjoy mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy. I've probably also run out of words for penis as well but I can call a penis anything and there isn't a guy on Earth who will take offense to whatever euphemism I choose. But I have to dance delicately around the vagina! Boy, if I had a barn owl for every time I've uttered that phrase!

This issue is called Ouroboros because it's going to make me want to consume myself.

Oh bullshit! Love is less real than anything else in this comic book!

Love is only real when you don't have it! Having love is just allowing yourself the chance to not contemplate how truly despicable and unlovable you truly are. You don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and the ultimate inability to connect with any other human being if you have somebody nearby telling you how much they love you. Love is just freedom from your insecurity and self-doubt! When love is gone, you hunger for it because you can't stand who you are when you're alone and you realize just how hard it will be to get somebody to not think you're completely disgusting. People don't love each other because of their flaws or despite their flaws. They love each other because it's a contract to completely ignore the other person's flaws so that you can also completely ignore your own flaws. You can revel in your bitterness and resentment in the rest of the world and you have somebody who has to agree with you because you've seen them, on a near daily basis, stick their fingers into their buttcrack and then casually sniff them as if they were in the room alone. That's love! Oh, and it isn't real was my point. So I probably shouldn't have tried to end it with "That's love!" as if it exists because it doesn't! Nevermind.

Fake Constantine and Fake Zatanna and the real (I guess?) House of Mystery create a fake Alec Holland because The Green still kind of exists since the House of Mystery has its own greenhouse. They're still desperately trying to save the universe even though it's long gone baby! Forget about it! It's over! Kaput! The opposite of extant! And they aren't even real people anyway! Why should they care? Oh, that's right. Love! I forgot about fucking love! The power of love will keep the universe alive tonight! That's the power of love.

Alec Holland needs to rebirth Yggdrasil which will bring back the universe which has ended because that's how things go, guys. Everything dies. Except God, of course! God has always been and can't die because he (or she) was never born! She (or he) has existed forever because that totally makes more sense than a universe that has existed forever. Or else God was spontaneously created at some point which totally makes more sense than a universe spontaneously coming into creation. Wait. Now I'm confused. How is replacing "the universe" with "God" a better answer? It still doesn't make any sense a human can wrap their minds around, you whackos.

Look. We have proof of a universe outside of man and his creations. We have no proof of God outside of man and his creations. So how does replacing an infinite universe (or a universe created from nothing) with a sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful infinite being (or one that was created from nothing) make it more palatable? It's definitely not more logical and it takes extra, unneeded steps to explain the universe. I think this is where, if I were one of the youngin's, I'd shake my damn head.

Okay, you know what. I'm the one who used the word "palatable" so I can actually understand it in those terms. I take back my shaking my damn head. I get that the decision to swap out the random and inexplicable creation of the universe with a knowing and loving God offers comfort and meaning. So I get why people believe. And I get why people want to believe. And I get why people, even when they don't really believe, desperately leave the possibility open by not really thinking themselves out of it too much. I get it. Some people need that. I just wish people would understand that some people don't need that and that by not needing it, it doesn't make us arrogant or self-righteous. I think it just makes us stronger!

Was that a little bit arrogant?

Poison ivy! Come creeping up right behind me!

Swamp Thing recovers the real Justice League Dark from oblivion. I guess they were hiding in The Green because The Green was never totally obliterated because plants were still in the House of Mystery. It's all very complex and high-minded!

I currently have half of a chocolate chip cookie. Is there anything more disappointing in life than half a cookie? Okay, maybe sex with a man. But the half a cookie is a close second.

Yggdrasil explodes out of Pralaya who is consumed by her own self or something. She loses because the end of the universe is really just the beginning of the same universe. Duh! It was right there in the title the whole time! "Ouroboros!" Whatever that means.

Whoever created the word "Ourobors" was an idiot because the word should be a palindrome.

"...who'll ever know!" Convenient!

But is the universe restored exactly? How do they know that Yggdrasil didn't decide to throw in a few new flourishes that she had been pining for the last time around to spruce the place up?

Zatanna mentions how Pralaya still exists and she'll be back at the appointed time for the Big Sleep of Brahma. But since Justice League Dark decided that time wasn't now, I guess Pralaya has to slink away and change her calendar. What makes them so special that they can just interfere with the basic cosmic underpinnings of the entire system? And they called Pralaya arrogant.

Justice League Dark and the House of Mystery return to Earth to meet up with John Constantine. Zatanna hands over the keys to the House and quits. Everybody else quits with her because who wants to be on John Constantine's team? That's like signing your own death certificate!

Justice League Dark #40 Rating: No change. This whole story was a major let down. The Justice League Dark were forced into a mission to save the universe and restore it to exactly where it was before they had to save the universe. So it really didn't accomplish anything as a story. But I guess it created a Constantine and a Zatanna that get to live in a magical realm of love and unibunnies. And Yggdrasil is now a character in the DC Universe if she wasn't already. And maybe, if I'd cared more, I might have learned a little something about the strengths and desires of some of the main characters of the book. But who has time to read comic books that closely? I don't need to know more about Nightmare Nurse than that she looks like a sexy Sailor Moon when she's doing her magic. The most important part of the story is that Zatanna still loves Constantine but he doesn't remember her. But that was established before this story began so I'm just going to go with my initial reaction and say this story was bullshit that had no effect on anything or anybody ever.

Justice League Dark #39

Stop being so adorable, cover.

Some people would nitpick this cover to show what huge pop culture brainiacs they are. But I'm cool with them genderswapping Velma and having Scooby Doo wear a trenchcoat.

Don't try to make sense of that last paragraph! I'm in a mood!

This issue starts off explaining how nothing turned into something and that something it turned into was God so that God could start making some things that make sense from a human perspective. But never mind that part about God being created from nothing because that's just nonsense. As every believer knows, something can't come from nothing. And something can't just have always existed without an explanation. It's better just to assume an intelligence so infinitely superior than ours has always existed and, for some reason, that intelligence didn't decide to make us until it had already existed for infinity. It couldn't love us that much or it would have created us as soon as possible! Which would have been after an infinite amount of time had passed. Just imagine how many other creations this infinite intelligence created before getting around to us! And we're a pretty shitty model, so you've got to assume that we were just another practice batch. The infinite intelligence is probably still trying to work out the kinks, like cancer and racists. And free will, probably, because that shit really fucks up the bake.

When did Swamp Thing get so knowledgeable about universal matters? Stick to bulb facts, Rooty!

This issue is called "Pralaya" for some reason. Isn't that one of those Denny's breakfast promotions? "Come in for Pralaya! All month long! All you can eat pancake stacks! Get 'em before they disappear in an unending miasma of entropy and butter!"

Justice League Dark are attacked by dark creatures of a dark so dark that they are what darkness was before we gave it a name and exposed it to the light. It's like dark that no human eye has never not seen! It's the kind of dark that lies behind the darkness that you can't see! Somebody should have brought a flashlight. I wanted to say "torch" so that I'd sound British but then I figured my American readers would believe I meant an actual torch and then they'd be all, "But wouldn't Frankenstein freak out?"

I don't really care what my American readers think anyway! So I should have just stuck to my blunderbusses and said torch!

Some vast, dark creature is narrating as it watches the Justice League Dark torn apart by its dark darklings. It marvels at how these creatures fight even though they're insignificant motes in an infinitely vast eye. It just makes the Narrator sound naive! As if every one of us, once we realize our lives don't matter, should put a bullet through the roof our mouths. Look, Narrator! Even if I knew my life wasn't just insignificant but actually harmful to all existence, I still wouldn't kill myself because only when I'm dead will there be no time for another cookie. But while I live, cookies!

Oh! Oh! I know what's happening!

When the Justice League Dark left the Land of Imagination at the Beginnings of Time, they teleported into John Constantine's toilet! Now he's been watching them struggle to battle his turds as he laughs about how insignificant they are in his eyes! His turds are full of curry which is why they burn when they touch, dissolving Frankie, Swampy, Orchid, and Boston. Now John has flushed and he's sending them all down around the bend. I bet as they start to whirl around the bowl, they'll begin to be attacked from above by the yellowest of yellow drippy creatures!

The Justice League Dark begins to fight back because how embarrassing would that be if they were taken down by a bunch of floating turds? Deadman rallies like never before as it finally dawns on him that he's a ghost. And one of the special powers given to ghosts by God is the ability to turn into an army of ghosts. Ectoplasm is an infinite resource, I guess.

It's shit like this that has caused me to grow weary of this book.

The mystic whatzits are always super powerful and nigh on unbeatable for mystic reasons. But then the Justice League Dark all individually rally back using whatever power they have so that it looks like they're going to defeat the mystic whatzits with their ingenuity! But then the mystic whatzits redouble their efforts and Justice League Dark falls to the mystic whatzits. Then they're captured and have to free themselves which they do because this time they decide to put their all into their magic because they were just half-assing it last time. And they rise up to defeat the mystic whatzits with the exact same magic they had at their disposal the whole time and in a way that isn't ingenious or imaginative at all. They just put more "oomph" into it!

The way they save themselves this time is something they always do as well! Somebody mentions a spell (this time it's Tempus Durant, Time Stop) and the others all say, "But that's so dangerous! Do you think we should?!" And then the one that's about to attempt the spell says, "We don't have any other choice! We're dead either way!" And the others all go, "Good point! Why did you even bring it up for discussion then and waste all of this time? Just cast it already!"

Always what? Always remember Paris? Always hate him? Always appreciate that he took the time to satisfy your needs before pulling on his pants and heading outside to have a fag?

The Nightmare Nurse refuses to let Zatanna die because she has really decent health insurance. Once she's all better, it's up to these three ladies to save the entire multiverse from the Dark Narrator!

Also, the Dark Narrator introduces herself before they get to the final battle which probably won't happen until the last issue anyway. For now, she's just a big naked hottie named Pralaya and she's out of pancakes.

"Party's over! Everybody back inside!"

Zatanna likes the sound of heading back inside the womb so she dissolves the Time Stop spell and allows Pralaya to consume them all (using her vagina, I'm assuming. Her own words!).

Once everybody is consumed and everything is dark and quiet, a new House comes blasting out of Pralaya's vagina! It's the House of Hope! Unless her IUD just slipped out.

Justice League Dark #39 Rating: No change. I guess JM DeMatteis has decided the DC Universe needs one house for each color of the spectrum? The House of Secrets is probably based on greed. The House of Mystery is based on fear. The House of Wonder is based on love. And now the House of Hope is based on hope. I can't wait to see all of the other houses! Somebody should really paint them in their appropriate colours.

Justice League Dark #38

Maybe help the lady out, Flash?

I actually left the house and went on an adventure downtown yesterday! First I stopped by Billy Galaxy's which has tons of cool old toys and old comics and old Dungeons and Dragons materials but everything is way overpriced. It's still a neat little store to browse through and, if you don't mind paying a premium, you might be able to find the missing piece to some old toy collection. I like the store well enough and decided to support them so I paid nine dollars for a loose Super Powers Hawkman action figure. For thirty years now, I've had a Hawkman with a broken wing he received while riding shotgun in the Batmobile. Batman must have been drunk that day because he thought it would be a good idea to drive the Batmobile straight off the back porch. The car flipped upside down and landed on Hawkman's wing, snapping it off completely. I figured it was about time I replaced him.

I also stopped by the Doc Martin's store to see if they had any bright pink Doc Martins. They did! I asked an employee if they might possibly have any which would fit my feet and she said the largest size they make them in is a man's ten. I said, "Perfect! Bring them out!" As I opened the box, I knew they'd fit lengthwise but my feet were going to be too wide. I tried them on and still almost shelled out however many clams they'd cost (I never asked the price) but common sense told me the width would be a problem. So once again, I had to forgo bright pink Doc Martins because the world isn't ready for a world where shoes for men aren't completely boring and more boring. The employee sympathized with me and said, "I don't know why they don't just make them in all sizes." And I said, "Right on, sister!" Except I didn't say that part. I just said, "Thank you," and left.

Next I met the Non-Certified Spouse at Powell's where we each bought a book even though Powell's is the most expensive used book store in the history of used bookstores ever. People might think living in Portland is the bees knees because they have the biggest used bookstore ever and it's super famous and let's all jerk off over it, but they never consider the downside. Most of the books in Powell's aren't used. And even the used books are priced way higher than they should be. And because Powell's is so popular, smaller used bookstores find it harder to stay in business so there is a dearth of cutesie, affordable used bookstores with cats living in them here in Portland. Fuck you, Powell's! Although I still kind of love Powell's too. I think I'm in an abusive relationship with Powell's.

Finally we ate at the McMenamins under The Crystal Ballroom. I don't know what that one is called because I really wasn't paying attention. We prepared ourselves for a long wait punctuated by infrequent visits from an obnoxious server but were pleasantly surprised to get the one member of Mcmenamins' waitstaff who was friendly and timely. He did throw a few more thumbs ups at me than I was comfortable with. I was beginning to feel like I owed him a quick suck and tug by the end of the meal. Living in Portland, I guess I'm just not used to friendly service anymore!

And that's what happens on days that I actually venture out into the real world! I wind up ignoring Justice League Dark completely!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, Nightmare Nurse, and Andrew Bennett sailing across the seas of nothingness. I hope I don't have to read twenty-two pages of J.M. DeMatteis conversation between these characters. I mean, what else could possibly happen? They've sailed past the edge of everything and are now outside of all space and time!

Don't worry, guys! It's just the Zatanna tree!

Over in the Realm of Now (no, Now! Now! Now! Now?), Deadman, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu also become consumed by the Zatanna tree. Now Justice League Dark will all be together again and they'll return to the point in time where the House of Wonders ceased to be. And everything will return to normal and this comic book will end and life as we know it will never be the same again. Also, a bunch of people will begin buying DC Comics again simply because "The New 52" label is finally going to be dropped and they all believe that means "The New 52" has been cancelled and they're going to get their precious fictional characters back. Pshaw. They'll get what DC gives them and they'll like it! Or they'll stew and pout and bitch and moan about change just like old white men constantly do.

In my day, DC Comics destroyed infinite worlds and we liked it! We didn't have any of this "internet" in which to find other like-minded people with which to commiserate. Although to be fair, DC Comics really kind of sucked before Crisis on Infinite Earths. So it's not a good analogy to The New 52 because DC actually had some good shit going on before obliterating it this time. But, like always, things change not for the better or for the worse. They just change. So The New 52 has some shitty stuff and some really fucking good stuff. And the good stuff keeps getting better. I've been wondering when DC was going to finally drop The New 52 from the covers. I think that, and Conviviality, and all the new books beginning in June, will bring back a bunch of readers. It'll be up to DC to keep up the quality and maintain the new readers after that.

I'm particularly looking forward to the revamp because I've been saying all along that DC needs to concentrate more on individual stories and less on continuity. It looks like they're going to try that for a bit.

Anyway, Zatanna has now made friends with a face-tree living in a psychedelic miasma.

The Justice League Dark all wind up in Zatanna's land of imagination. Everybody hugs and enjoys celebratory cupcakes (except for Boston because he can't eat them and nobody will let him possess them to enjoy his cupcake and Frankenstein sat on it anyway). "Unnnh," he said, "I have cupcake on my pants." Then everybody laughed and the credits rolled.

Okay, maybe they didn't laugh. But they did have a long, boring discussion about whose little adventure was the worst and the pain of fantasy. And no matter how much I wished it, the credits refused to roll over any of it. Hopefully they'll get back into the House of Leaves and figure out what they're up against. And the World Tree decides to make it easy for them by creating the house right before their eyes.

Yggdrasil equals Zampanò's House of Leaves equals The House of Mystery. I'll buy that.

The House of Mystery takes the Justice League Dark to a place called The Heart of Chronos where time is created. And to their dismay, they find it ass-full of Time Gremlins! I think they're also known as Langoliers.

Zatanna manages to kill all of the Time Gremlins by expelling all the magical energy she's collected while living in her fantasy world. But she fails to seal the leaks in the Heart of Chronos. That might be a problem for the team next issue.

Justice League Dark #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story, "The Amber of the Moment," has had four parts so far. Two were interesting enough to entertain me and two were horrible enough for me to throw up in my mouth two or three times while reading them. And the Justice League Dark is still in the dark about what's going on. Is that where they get their name?

Justice League Dark #37

This is my favorite Darwyn Cooke cover yet because it has Rac Shade on it. Kind of.

I've been rewatching the Friday the 13th movies over the last few days and it makes me nostalgic for the days when female nipples poked through shirts. We don't get enough of that in magazines and television and movies today. Nipples have been wiped off the face of the Earth thanks to photoshop and overly concerned mothers! Actually, it was probably overly concerned wives tired of their husbands watching Three's Company with their hands down their pants. And if I were one to notice (which I'm not because I'm all man!), some of the pants and shorts on those guys are pretty fucking snug!

I'd forgotten how truly boring and not very frightening the first movie was. Probably because I first saw it when I was ten years old, so I just thought it was terrifying. It has a variety of scenes that don't take place in the Camp and don't involve young, beautiful people, and aren't scary in the least. And those scenes are oddly compelling. Like when the police officer is in the diner flirting with the middle aged proprietor. Nothing fucking happens in this scene and I really don't know why it, and several other scenes, are included. It was almost (I'm not going to say "Lynchian" like everybody likes to say to describe something weird but I'll say something close to it!) Twin Peaksy. It could have been Dale Cooper sent out to investigate Camp Crystal Lake! Now I want to see that movie!

The second film was a little scarier but it's still the kind of scary reliant on a quick and gory death scene. The music ramps up just enough so that you know exactly when the blade is going to fall. The characters check the door that you're sure the killer will be behind, thus ensuring that the killer won't appear until the room is checked out and the door is closed again. The only time it gets somewhat scary is when it's down to the last woman (the Survivor!) and she's being chased by Jason.

In both movies, there was a moment that seemed to be leading up to a big, gory death scene but ends in just a cut away. Later, the victims are seen as corpses. I wonder if that was planned or if the special effect to kill the person just didn't come out right and so ended up on the cutting room floor?

I'm currently in the middle of Friday the 13th Part III in 3D! This is the era where 3D movies were written around the concept of 3D, so every few minutes, a character throws something or sticks something or knocks something directly into the camera. Even though it's not available in 3D on Netflix (why not?! I have old 3D glasses!), I still make certain to jump when a stick or weapon flies into my face, or act grossed out when a human eyeball or a rat nearly climbs out of my television screen.

The timeline for the movies is weird too! The first one takes place in 1980. Then the second one takes place five years after the 1980 massacre at Camp Crystal Lake. So it's kind of a sci-fi thriller! Taking place four years after the release of the movie! Then the third one takes place the day after the second one. So Saturday the 14th, I guess? Maybe this was a year that had two Friday the 13ths in a row. That happens sometimes, right?

Since this is technically a comic book blog, I should get around to talking about Justice League Dark. I think in this issue, we're going to find out what happened to Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (my favorite!).

Old people and unborn babies? Worst world ever!

Madame Xanadu, Deadman, and Black Orchid meet a winged man in a floating chair named Arif, Lord of Now. No, Lord of Now. No wait, now! No, now! Now?

I don't know. It's one of those nows. But only one of them! Arif points out that where he lives, there is only the one moment but it lasts for eternity and kind of acts like linear time, as everybody may have noticed by the fact that his sentence began with one syllable and ran through a whole bunch more syllables and then ended on a different syllable. Instead of, you know, all of the syllables being blatted out in a bunch. Because of the one moment. So instead of, "I am Arif, Lord of Now!", it probably would have sounded more like "💬!"

They're fed a meal? But if there is no later, how are they going to shit?

Imagine if you were about to sneeze and you were suddenly transported to the Land of Now! You'd spend eternity on the verge of sneezing. How would you get anything done?! What if Madame Xanadu had just sharted from fright as she entered the World of Now? Stuck forever with shitty panties! What if you were orgasming as you entered!? Awesome! And messy!

Madame Xanadu decides to cast a spell to find a way out. It works about as well as you'd expect an incantation that needs to be recited in linear time would work when attempted in a single moment.

There are laws to magic? Why bother?! I thought it was all shortcuts and freebies! You know, as long as you can find some sap to absorb the price.

Madame Xanadu wanders off to spend time with Arif, a guy she's known forever whom she just met. Deadman and Black Orchid decide to go investigate the Beyond Beyond, a place beyond places. No, more beyond. Beyonder than that! Way, way beyond!

Madame Xanadu's date is super boring. Especially since it's mostly Xanadu Narration Boxing how much fun she's having. You would think if there were only the one moment, they'd just get on with the fucking already.

Deadman and Black Orchid encounter a guardian keeping them from the Beyond Beyond. Well, that won't do! It's time for the big fight scene!

Before? Before when? Before now? But that was now!

Before the fight can finish, Deadman sees something coming out of the Beyond Beyond. I bet it's a magic sailing ship full of vampires and demons and monsters and swamp things!

Xanadu kisses Arif and he dies of old age. I knew Madame Xanadu would be the worst at kissing! I think she once did the same thing to Jason Blood! Maybe. I might just be making that up to ruin her reputation.

After Arif dies, Deadman and Black Orchid come surfing in on a big wave of Beyond. And Zatanna winds up in a tree or something.

Justice League Dark #37 Rating: No change. This was the worst chapter of them all "The Amber of the Moment" chapters so far! I didn't feel like I was in a timeless place at all! I just felt like I was in a place where people talked about time as if it didn't exist but it did exist and they were just too stupid to realize it. This issue did remind me that Black Orchid is fucking adorable with those freckles and eyelashes. Also, her name is Alba Garcia. Did we know that yet? Well now we do! No, now we do! No, now! Now?

Justice League Dark #35

How do you graft the arm of a ghost onto an Englishman? That wasn't a riddle.

Although this might be a riddle: Who can graft the arm of a plant elemental onto a ghost? A Boo-tanical Engineer! Ah ha ha ha ha!

When I last left Justice League Dark, they were swirling into a mysterious vortex caused when the House of Wonders separated back into its component parts (you know, the Houses of Mystery and Secrets!). I know these things because I read Justice League Dark Annual #2 first, as opposed to people who read this comic book when it came out and were forced to say, "What the fuck is going on?!"

This issue is called "Long Before Yesteday" and it's part one of "The Amber of the Moment." Neither of those titles help me figure out where the vortex leads. Probably some sort of crappy time travel story.

The entire team is split up because that makes things more exciting! Zatanna winds up in a version of Wonderland that completely sucks because it has giant green pigs spouting poetry. Nobody likes to hear people spout poetry unless they're at a spoken word poetry slam type of event. And even then, some people simply wandered in for some coffee and don't want to hear poetry shouted at them. I shouldn't be saying this since I have a poetry book that I'm going to be selling on this site as soon as I get it put together, but poetry is boring and stupid! Everything can be poetry if you put the right inflection into it!

That doesn't look like a pig at all! At least it's green.

Zatanna is saved by a younger, more alive version of her father, Zatara. She can't figure out why he's alive as she listens to his voice and remembers how he used to read stories to her. The answer is right there in your thoughts, Zatanna! You're in some kind of mystic world created from your memories. Which is why you were attacked by a Mome Rath which came across Zarathustra's Wall and were saved by your father Zatara! Also, the Mome Rath rhymes a lot like Etrigan, right? Although, Etrigan rhymes a lot like a lot of other demons that think rhyming two words together is the height of talent and creativity. Rhyming is fucking easy! Watch:

Box and Claws!

Fuck! Forget rhyming. Poetry that doesn't rhyme is so much better!

That last sentence was a poem! I call it "A Hater's Haiku!" Can you title a haiku or does that add to the syllable count? Oh, who cares? I hate non-Japanese language haikus anyway. They sound much better in Japanese when every syllable is practically the exact same length.

I can't wait until Madame Xanadu's chapter of this story because I have a haiku for her!

"Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt."

I especially like how that haiku takes a turn in the last line.

The magic carpet is from Dungeons and Dragons and flying into an open second story window to kidnap children is from Peter Pan.

The next morning, Zatanna discovers that her mother and a five year old version of herself also live in this place. Zatara tells her they're six billion years in the past but that's just stupid. How can they be eating walnut pancakes before the recipe for walnut pancakes even exists?! Ridiculous.

Zatanna learns that this place is pure magic and any thought can be made reality. That's when she realizes only her father is truly there and he's made up the rest of the family. Or did she make up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make herself making up him making up the rest of the family? Or did she make up herself making up...oh, never mind! The Mome Raths are attacking! Worse yet, they're spouting poetry!

The "mome" in Mome Rath means "from home!" Meaning they've lost their way! Or so Humpty Dumpty would assert. And he has like tons of college degrees or something, so he's worth listening to. Anyway, that probably means something! The fact that these creatures are called from home green pigs!

Once again, Zatanna almost realizes that all of this is being created from her memories when she pictures the younger version of herself drawing a picture of her and her father on magic carpets battling Mome Raths. No wonder the Mome Raths don't look anything like they should. Zatanna was just a stupid kid when she first had Looking Glass read to her.

He doesn't have to go. He probably just wants to go.

While Zatanna cries and destroys the rest of the world, Frank, Ada, Andrew, and Alec walk around a barren landscape at THE END OF THE WORLD! But that will have to wait until next issue.

Justice League Dark #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. Finally a good issue of Justice League Dark! This was kind of like an episode of Lost. I have no idea where Zatanna is or what's going on but there was a good flashback story dealing with her life and her relationship with her father.

Justice League Dark Annual #2

Deadman, you're the worst ghost ever.

One good thing about being a couple of weeks behind on my comic book reading is that when I open up a comic book and the first page says, "See next week's Annual if you want to understand this comic book that we published a week before the story that comes first," I can actually put that stupid book down and pick up the Annual.

The issue begins with Zatanna and Constantine on a date in Paris. I know it's Paris because the establishing shot shows the Eiffel Tower. Since it's harder to get across "urine soaked metro station" in a picture, the artist always goes for the Eiffel Tower to help orient readers. You can also tell where the story begins because the Location Box states "Paris, France...". But since I don't know how to interpret the ellipsis at the end of the name of the location, my brain discarded it immediately. Also, John is pouring some wine and you only drink wine if you're in Paris and it's night. If it were day, they would be drinking coffee and trying to eat baguettes without battering each other in the eye.

I think this might be an alternate Earth as well because John and Zee are getting along.

Oh no. This is the correct Earth.

Why do you even bother, John? Just leave Justice League Dark and Zatanna alone already. You're always much better off on your own with your close knit cast of mortal characters whom you can sacrifice at the drop of a dangerous situation.

Constantine wakes up in a crazy house after thinking he was going to get lucky with Zee. Hopefully it's the House of Secrets and it's revealing to John one of his secrets that he keeps denying: Zatanna doesn't fucking love you.

While Constantine has suddenly found himself in the House of Secrets (a much more fitting house for John), Zatanna, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and the Nightmare Nurse have been transported back to the House of Mystery. I probably should mention that this Annual is called "War of the Houses," so I guess the Houses retain some of the sibling rivalry between Cain and Abel, their original owners.

The House of Secrets appears to John as a woman while the House of Mystery appears to Justice League Dark as a man. I like my houses of secrets and mysteries to be less sentient.

Sibling rivalry after all. Just between the New 52, non-religious versions of Cain and Abel? It's a weird choice since DC has never shied away from using Judeo-Christian characters and places in their comics. Maybe Cain and Abel just have too goofy of a history with DC.

Speaking of goofy, I feel like I've lost touch with my goofy. I'm sure it will return but until then, enjoy my stagnant and boring comic book commentaries that mainly exist to allow me to remember what's been happening in each book, month after month.

Ha ha! John fucked a house! How do you fuck a house? Shoot your semen into one of its drain-shaped orifices or allow it to massage you to orgasm with a steady flow of water from a bathtub spout? Oh, hmm. I bet we've all fucked a house!

The House of Secrets calls in its army which consists of Constantine, Andrew Bennett, Frankenstein, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu. Aside from that cunt Madame Xanadu, that's a pretty solid group!

I couldn't remember what I used to call Madame Xanadu instead of cunt but which I always meant as cunt, so I just went back to calling her a cunt. It's a long running, extremely important tradition to this blog and if you don't like it, fuck off. Or convince me that she isn't a cunt. Maybe I'll change my mind. But I know if I had a relative in my life that was always asking me for favors and telling me that if I didn't do that particular favor, the whole fucking world would end, I'd constantly refer to that relative as "that cunt." Why does the House of Secrets need her, anyway? All she can do is pretend to see the future! But the future she pretends to see never comes true, so why do people keep believing she can see the future? She has a zero percent success rate! Sure, she chalks it up to the future changing thanks to all the favors people have done for her, but that sounds more like manipulation! People need to stop listening to her!

Plus, that cunt broke Etrigan's heart!

Can't stomach a dose of your own medicine, Xanadu?

Both houses have an army and now it's time for them to go to war! This should be tremendously exciting! A huge war of DC's biggest and baddest mystical characters on the battlefield of all space and time! I bet there will be armies of Japanese Warriors battling cults of Celtic Druids from planet to planet! Romans versus Nazis versus Incas versus Thanagarians! Crazy, mystical magical spells that will summon demons and devils and angels! Other worldly gods will come to watch the battle! Pages and pages of the most exciting panels yet of The New 52! Holy shit, I can't wait!

Fuck. That's it? Houses blasting each other? Goddamn it.

Forget the house battle in space. I feel fucking liberated after calling Madame Xanadu a cunt! I've been shackled for too long by the comments of Natalie Whatsername! Who knew I was self-censoring because of a single person that decided she was speaking for all people everywhere? You know who you weren't speaking for, Natalie? Me! So suck it because...well, I don't know what because. It's just a stupid word! Also, I was offended by your words so you should apologize to me even if you didn't mean to be offensive because something about stepping on toes or something stupid. How dare you!

You've got your Houses mixed up, John.

I suppose it doesn't matter which House is which at this point since they're working together against the magical heroes. They've used them to create an enchantment that will allow them to...um...ew.

The House of Incest!

Goddammit, Madame Xanadu! You had one job! ONE FUCKING JOB! To see the future and make sure, if it were a bad one, to keep it from coming true! How did you not see that these houses wanted to fuck and become The House of Wonders? Sexy, sexy wonders.

The House of Wonders plants itself on Earth and enslaves everybody! Why? Because that's what Viruses do! And the siblings in control of the houses are actually some kind of virus that needed John and Zatanna's lust and hate for each other to fuel the viruses replication. I don't know what it's going to do with Earth now that it has it though. Replicate some more until Earth is ready to merge with Venus? Or Mars?

Madame Xanadu comes up with a plan to cut the House of Wonders' source of power: destroy the love between Zatanna and Constantine. Shit. That's a great fucking plan, Xanadu! Only a right, true cunt would come up with that one! I may get turned around on you if you keep coming up with brilliant plans like this! I've been waiting for Constantine to just fucking stop with this lovesick puppy business and, finally, it's going to happen! The way the spell works is that Constantine forgets that he ever loved Zatanna but Zatanna gets to keep remembering that she loved Constantine. So it's a fairly typical male/female breakup then?

After the spell is cast, Constantine winds up back on Earth, the House of Wonders is destroyed, and the rest of Justice League Dark falls into the vortex that they were in when I opened up Justice League Dark #35. So now I can read that issue and feel comfortable that I'm not missing anything!

Justice League Dark Annual #2 Rating: This was the most important issue of Justice League Dark since The New 52 began! Constantine's connection with Zatanna and the House of Mystery and Justice League Dark just never really fit the entire concept. You can't give Constantine too much to care about or he loses the essential bit that makes him Constantine. I know this comic book constantly tried to remind the reader that John was doing his noble shit just to help save Zatanna and not the world. But even that was too much! Constantine should have been simply concerned with saving himself! I suppose it's okay for him to make connections with other people here and there. But not important characters like Zatanna that you know will never be killed! Where's the tension in that?

Justice League Dark #30

I'm disappointed to see Constantine on the cover. Hopefully that's a mistake.

Don't misinterpret my caption! I love John Constantine! I just don't think he should be part of a group like this. Occasionally, Constantine can get caught up in some kind of DC Magic Crisis on Infinite Planes or something. But he really should be obsessing over whether or not anybody likes him while locked away in a dark cellar somewhere in London. Oh wait. This is The New 52. He's tied to New York now. Whatever.

Swamp Thing probably shouldn't be palling around with a bunch of magicians either. At least not flesh magicians! What makes Swamp Thing any more magical than Animal Man? Why can't Animal Man be on this team and Swamp Thing be on Justice League Canada? I bet it has to do with his looks!

At least the issue begins with John exactly where I said he should be! I'm going to raise my Comic Book Reader Level for that!

Deadman possesses a waitress so he can kick John's drunk ass. Partly because John trapped him in the body of Evil Aquaman, but also partly just because Constantine is a dick and ran away at the end of The Blight and because he's always fucking blowing smoke in everybody's faces. But there's no joy in kicking the ass of a man that's busy kicking his own ass, so Boston Brand leaves John to stew in his own gravy.

Oh Boston! That's the only way you can tell if you're John's friend! If he uses you for his own ends!

The House of Mystery finally decides to earn its name. While The Nightmare Nurse hits on Zatanna, neither notice a young girl appear behind the mirror trying to escape. The most important part of that last sentence was the part I didn't mention where Asa and Zatanna were naked! The House of Mystery seems to enjoy creating rooms where its occupants get naked and have sex. The House of Mystery is kinky!

Deadman tries to prevent Frankenstein and Black Orchid from leaving the group. I wouldn't mind Frankenstein getting his own title where he's not an Agent of SHADE and is allowed to roam the world doing his own thing. I also don't mind Black Orchid leaving the group because she really needs her own mini-series. She needs some alone time to establish her character and her mystery before being relegated to the background in some group comic book. Boston Brand doesn't feel the same way as I do. He's a bit hurt by their need to leave, Black Orchid to find herself (hopefully in a mini-series!) and Frank because he just likes to be alone. He also needs to travel the world telling people to stop acting so pretentious and stuffy by correcting people when they refer to Frankentstien's Monster as Frankenstein. Most people know this and don't give a shit because popular culture has proclaimed it an acceptable method of referring to the monster.

I'm only scanning this panel because Black Orchid is incredibly cute in it.

That doorbell is Constantine drunk doorbelling the House of Mystery. He's come to speak with Zatanna but he doesn't mind fighting with his old teammates if they stand in his way. Which they do. So, you know, a fight breaks out.

Constantine easily puts the others in their places because he's a man that works with knowledge and secrets. He knows enough about them to put them down easily, one at a time. But they just want to blast him, stab him, or punch him. Zatanna arrives to break it up even though John has already mopped the floor with her team. She agrees to speak with him in private and everybody pretends that Constantine didn't just beat Justice League Dark single handed.

See John?! That's exactly what I said you should have told Zatanna in my commentary on Justice League Dark #29! I'm going up Comic Book Reader levels like crazy here!

John and Zatanna break up much more nicely and then Constantine leaves. Finally! Don't let the House of Mystery hit your ass on the way out!

Justice League Dark has now been left with three members. So Zatanna calls Swamp Thing to the House of Mystery to see if he'll join. He says, "No." And "Stop pulling me into this house against my will." And "Fuck off." But before Zatanna can make an offer or send him back to the Swamp, Nightmare Nurse bursts into flames. After the flames die down, she claims her name is Alice.

Justice League Dark #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. The group is a little short on members but maybe that's for the best right now. The members who left probably shouldn't have been on the team anyway. I still don't think Swamp Thing should be with the group either but that's kind of up in the air right now. Hopefully the team will get some good paranormal characters in the crew in the future. Maybe Blue Devil. Or Detective Chimp.

Justice League Dark #28

I'm still waiting for Etrigan to appear on a cover.

Blight was defeated last issue and the Thaumaton was defeated in the previous issue of The Blight crossover. So the magic guys have won, right? How many issues was this thing supposed to run? I remember it was a lot! I suppose after Forever Evil ends, the DC Universe is just going to slide right into the next huge crisis, right? Come on, Super Heroes! Get your universe under control already!

One thing that I forgot to mention because I forgot! Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft were teleported out of the Thaumaton before it blew up. Or before they thought it was going to blow up. Because by Page Three, I notice Constantine and Zatanna are still sealed into the contraption.

Constantine just looks bored.

I guess I called the destruction of the Thaumaton too early. Felix Faust and Nick Necro manage to stop it from overloading by sticking a spear in the side of Zauriel and riding him onwards toward salvation. After the device is stabliized, Felix Faust tears the wings off of Zauriel. Does that mean that somewhere a bell has been unrung?

Meanwhile I discover that John looks bored because he's in limbo talking with Zatanna. Hmm. That came out wrong. His body looks bored because his mind is not inside of it! It's in a place called The Between (Jesus Christ. After all the boring names things were called in Lois Lane #1, I have to get the same shit from Constantine?) and it is able to talk with Zatanna's mind there. I bet it can also do other things but they really don't have two minutes to spare. That wasn't a joke about how long Constantine can last. It was a joke about how quickly Zatanna can reach orgasm. "Etarbiv sirotilc!"

While they've got a moment alone, Constantine tells Zatanna that she's the only thing he cares about. Zatanna obviously doesn't want to hear that shit about how she's somehow responsible now for Constantine's happiness. Not only does she have to worry about saving the world, now she has to worry about whether or not she hurts John's feelings while doing it? Fuck that selfish prick! Sometimes your true feelings should remain hidden out of compassion for the other person's feelings. Although I guess that doesn't matter to John. I called him a selfish prick for a reason, didn't I? Hopefully at the end of this mess, Zatanna will just say, "Uoy t'nod yllaer evol em, Nhoj." And then he'll go back to only caring about gathering magic doodads to make himself more powerful. I mean, to maintain the balance of power to help keep the world safe *cough*bullshit*cough*.

Oh crap. Not this asshole again.

Nick tries to get John and Zee to remember how awesome the sex was when the three of them were together on a bed of Oreos. He also wants them to know that the Thaumaton actually serves a pure purpose. It was built to destroy whatever The Crime Syndicate fears, the thing that destroyed Earth Three. He and Faust are helping to save the world, not to destroy it! Although working for the Crime Syndicate kind of hurts his believability. Maybe the thing the Crime Syndicate are afraid of is a good cosmic creature that isn't coming to destroy the Earth but to destroy the Crime Syndicate themselves? Even if Nick is telling the truth, I wouldn't help him out because he's a boring asshole in a tie. The only way I could hate him more is if he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

I guess Constantine is a boring asshole in a tie as well. But he has the trench coat which makes him cooler! Even if it was Nick's coat to begin with. Oh! He also has the accent! That's why he's better. English accents always make things better. Except for Scouse accents. Unless they're backed by music!

Nick's feelings are hurt when he's rejected by John and Zee so he pretends that he was lying just to trap them into the Thaumaton's firing mechanism. But the single, solitary tear falling down his face and the way he runs spastically from the room to go stuff his face full of the never dying love of a giant cheese pizza betrays his true feelings.

"...can manifest such a deep and mighty hate." I've never felt as close to Felix Faust as I do right now!

And then this:

If I hadn't just gained a Master Comic Book Reader Level during my Lois Lane #1 commentary, I'd level up right now! If the cheese pizza had manifested, I'd have gone up two levels!

Lastly, The Phantom Stranger decides to hire a babysitter to help them save the world but The Spectre will not allow it. So it looks like The Stranger and The Spectre are going to have a debate in the next episode of Forever Evil: Blight.

Justice League Dark #28 Rating: No change. Ha ha! Nick Necro cried the cliché single tear of sadness! That has to be the lowest moment of his life! What a loser jerk! I've never cried the single tear of sadness! Fuck it man. When I loved someone that didn't love me back, I full out bawled in front of police and the girl I loved! And the cops had the nerve to think I was crying because they were hassling me! So I yelled, "I'm not crying because of YOU!" Luckily they didn't arrest me or I might have sat in the jail cell which probably would have prompted me to cry the single tear of sadness. Whew! Close one! Embarrassment narrowly avoided!

Justice League Dark #23

Fucking Pandora #3 was giving me spoilers so I ditched it to finish this first!

Here I am! Time to read this book so I can find out how Black Adam gets his hands on Pandora's Box! I saw that when I tried to read Pandora #3 first because The Trinity War advertisements from two months ago listed the Pandora #3 tie-in before Justice League #23. Fuck you, DC! Get it right next time!

Although maybe they don't actually have a way to get it right. I have a feeling that this book is going to spoil some things happening in Pandora #3 and Pandora #3 spoils some stuff in this comic. My first plan was to read this issue anyway since it's the main story. So now I'm back to my initial plan! You can skip all of that stuff you just read because it's just me bitching and moaning about minor spoilers.

What are spoilers anyway? When you read a story, the story eventually spoils itself, right? When you first learn something, it's a surprise, so what's the big deal? Of course, I'd like to be able to know what Trinity War is about before DC tells me that all the heroes are going to die so they can do a Villains Month!

So last chapter, Wonder Woman had gone nuts by touching Pandora's Box while in Lex Luthor's prison cell. Superman and his Super Friends were blown up in ARGUS. And Batman was hanging out in the House of Mystery having tea. And Madame Xanadu was captured by the Purple People Leader and forced to narrate this issue.

The worst psychic ever, you immortal cunt. They went to Heaven and back! Not Hell! Heaven! You're not even fucking close! You got it exactly opposite what really happened!

Madame Xanadu decides to use her far-seeing to watch the Wonder Woman battle taking place. Nobody in that group can defeat Wonder Woman hand-to-hand! Aquaman? Are you kidding? Hawkman? Please! Fist to fist, Wonder Woman has it over those two chumps any day. Frankenstein? Maybe if he was looking to kill, he might have a chance. But his poet's heart is going to make him go easy on her and that'll be the end of him. Black Orchid might stand a chance if any writer had any clue as to what she was or how powerful she could be. But she's still kind of a cypher and I don't see that changing during a huge crossover event. She needs her own story or mini-series to work through who she actually is. Stargirl is too inexperienced. The only person in this entire group that I think could get the Box away from Wonder Woman is Zatanna! Say something backwards, stupid! Don't just stand there! At least try, "Kcus ssel, namauqA!"

Everybody fails in their fight against Wonder Woman but there's still hope to get the Box away from her before she decides she's the next fucking Hera.

Since Black Adam is dead, I think I just figured out what happens! Billy Batson spills black paint on himself!

Oh. No, that doesn't happen. Shazam gets the Box himself and recalibrates into an evil version of himself. Which looks nearly identical to Black Adam. Once Shazam changes form by saying his Magic Word while holding the Skull, every DC Character suddenly comes down with an Alderaan destroyed Obi Wan Kenobi sized headache. The headache also imparted some information to Deadman. He now believes he can find Madame Xanadu.

Surprisingly, everybody caught in the ARGUS explosion survived! Oh, I thought they were all going to die so we could get this Villains Month thing going already. I just hope Scott Lobdell isn't writing the Bizarro issue. If he's writing the Bizarro issue, I'm quitting this whole fucking project!

The Superman gang's story is really boring. They yell at Waller for a bit and then search the rubble for survivors. Who cares? Just fight something already!

Back in Lex Luthor's prison cell, Frankenstein suddenly doesn't have to hold back now that a male (and a bratty one at that) has Pandora's Box. Time to go full Monster on this fucker!

That's my boy!

Frankenstein also succumbs to the power of the Box but by this point, everybody is flipping the fuck out. Zatanna finally casts a fucking spell that protects her and Pandora and Stargirl from the Box's corrupting influence. Which allows her to begin helping out instead of just standing around looking adorable.

Hurry! Make Aquaman interesting while you're casting spells!

Well that spell should work for a few seconds.

With all of these splash pages, I'm surprised I'm still reading this thing. I should have been through with it twenty minutes ago! It's not like I'm saying anything interesting about it!

For the majority of this battle, I was rooting for Frankenstein because the rest of these people are twats. Well, not Black Orchid but she seriously needs a mini-series or something before I can fully get back into loving her. And I adore Wonder Woman in her own title but not this one that's been making out with Superman. But Frankenstein is the coolest corpse in the room until my real main man shows up! Not Lobo. Although I'd root for Lobo! No, this time it's just John Constantine.

I guess Papa Midnite did a pretty fantastic healing job on him.

At this point, I'm not even sure the Constantine Tie-in should have been written. That issue should have just had them stop in somewhere for Frozen Yogurt while Constantine warns Billy about the Skull, Billy says, "Stuff it, old man," and then they go their separate ways to end up here. It would have been just as effective!

John and Zatanna end up in Greece because that's where the Skull decided to bring them, outside the Temple of Hephaestus. They discover that Madame Xanadu has been imprisoned in a bunker beneath the site. And then Batman and his gang arrive! Hopefully nobody decides to punch anybody else in the face simply because that's standard operating procedure! For once violence doesn't erupt and everybody decides to listen to Madame Xanadu who explains that Pandora's Box is not a prison but a doorway.

Oh yeah. That's obviously an evil Alfred from another Earth. And that Earth is probably Villain Earth, right? Which is where Pandora's Door leads. Which is why Seven Aspects of Evil came through the Doorway already long ago.

Justice League Dark #23 Rating: No change. I suppose if everybody on the internet has already guessed that this is an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth than DC is going to have to change this from being an alternate version of Alfred Pennyworth! Just like they fucked up Monarch with the Hawk twist when it was so obviously Captain Atom! Stupid fucking DC. And just like Lost changed direction after everybody guessed that the island was Purgatory and everybody was already dead. Fucking writers. Stop reading what people write on the internets and just tell your stupid goddamn stories.