Action Comics #968

I think I accidentally got the gay porn parody of Action Comics.

We're entering a new age of anti-enlightenment so I think I need to get with the times. Sure, some people who have encountered my comic book commentaries probably already suspect I'm anti-enlightenment. I do make light of an awful lot of terrible things that nobody should ever be flippant about. But that's just because I'm more broken than the lot of them. They care so much that they can't stand to read facetious comments about terrible injustices. They still have a heart and are still capable of feeling things. Probably because they're all so young and passionate and still believe that the world can become a Utopian dream. But I'm old and bitter and don't give a shit about anything except my cat Judas which death took from me two years ago, leaving me bereft of any joy or hope. I'm a husk of a human being because forty-five years is apparently too long to live. Not that I want to be dead! Fuck no! I want to live until dementia kills my ego and understanding of actual death. Then I can die! I just mean after forty-five years, there's not much left to give a shit about that hasn't had the luster worn from it by the not-really-as-slow-as-I'd-like crawl of time. And you know what's hard to do when you don't give any shits about anything at all anymore? Critical reviews of pop culture! Apathy isn't exactly the best tool to bring to a discussion of popular entertainment! You need passion for the medium! You need a love of the characters! You need to care about fictional relationships and intense drama and twisting plots! You need to have an issue through which to perceive the stories being told to their current audience! But I have no issues! I'm a cipher!

I don't bring up my dark, cynical, uncaring bastardness to brag. I just thought it would show how I'm in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to writing about comic books. Some people are passionate about representation and can pick up any comic book on the shelves and discuss it through that lens. Some people care about feminism, or racism, or being an awkward teenage girl who can't get laid no matter how hard she tries because she's just on the other side of ugly. I might have cared about some of those things when I was younger. At this moment, my right foot is currently resting on a box full of college essays on those kinds of things. I wrote humorous essays in college too and, I suppose, those are the things that really stuck with me. I definitely got the most attention from professors for the funny stuff since they all seemed relieved that somebody in their class wasn't taking everything so fucking seriously. And, I guess, maybe that's my thing, right? Not caring. Not giving a shit. Embracing the farce of it all. Maybe it's really my time to shine because, historically, America is as close to a complete farce as it's ever been. I think maybe it's time to fire up my hate engine again. Especially because I remembered the following question from Anonymous and thought, "Hatred for my hobby was always a good angle, wasn't it?!"

Anonymous asked: Am I the only one who secretly wants you to hate almost everything you read? The reviews are normally more entertaining when you do, I find it to be true indeed.

Although what kind of an asshole ends a sentence with "I find it to be true indeed"? What a fucking dick.

Here's another piece of Anonymous mail I once received and my response:

Anonymous asked: You should consider Li'l Gotham for your backlog :)

You’re a backlog!

That elementary school response has brought me so much joy! Which is the most minuscule increment of joy that one can feel since I said that thing earlier about not feeling joy and I should probably continue to pretend, for at least this commentary, that I wasn't lying!

So I should probably get back to being extremely hateful! But not in the way Trumpland citizens are hateful! I mean in the way where I hate everything that is stupid and dumb and maybe not really poorly written but I'll make it seem that way anyway! My hate game is strong!

Before I get started, I want to clarify why I hate Donald Trump. It's because he's dumb. He's an idiot. He opens his mouth and nuggets of shit, not wisdom, dribble out. When people defend Trump, I can write them off as stupid as well because I think, "How do you not hear his stupidity in every word he says? In every Tweet he Twits? He's a goddamned moron." I've written off a lot of people in the last few months!

Here's Superman making an area unsafe and screaming at a nearby family to fuck off because they're in an unsafe place. What a dick.

Superman crashes into the helicopter of a pilot who gives Superman tours. Then Superman smashes Zade into a nearby trailer truck. The helicopter pilot says, "I am so fired." Why?! Why the fuck would you be responsible for Superman smashing up the heliport? Unless the pilot knows he's fired because he went against his boss's orders and didn't buy Superman Insurance. But who lives in Metropolis and doesn't buy Superman Insurance?! I bet Lex Luthor has made a killing on offering that shit! Mostly because he only pays out on a quarter of the claims. Superman Insurance doesn't pay out if the person Superman was battling smashes your shit. You have to read the fine print!

Although, really, the person who should have the insurance is Superman. If he were driving and he crashed into a helicopter and a truck and then another truck and then a building, Superman would be responsible for the damages! I suppose somebody could make a pretty good case that the alien is responsible but good luck getting him to pay up! The lawyers would go after Superman. If Superman paid for insurance that would guarantee innocent bystanders were compensated for damage and injury from his protecting the city, I'd complain less about Metropolis getting destroyed while Superman fights an alien whose only reason for being in Metropolis was to fight Superman.

See?! I knew I got the gay porn parody!

Superboy decides to get involved even though his father told him to stay put. If Superboy keeps acting this way, Clark and Lois are going to have to find him a Kryptonite babysitter. And I don't mean Metallo! I just mean, you know, a huge chunk of Kryptonite on a hand-truck that Lois wheels up from the lead-lined basement and into Jon's room. That should keep him put.

The editor, Mike Cotton, must edit this book while stoned. On one page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. Then on the next page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. You might see, by the similarity of my statements, how that was probably redundant. And it's redundancies like that which editors are supposed to be looking out for! Who edits the editors?!

Meanwhile, Lex is attacked by L'call the Godslayer and shits himself.

BRIPT is the sound effect of pants being shat in, right?

Lex Luthor shoots missiles at Godslayer but Godslayer teleports away to reappear behind Lex. But right before Godslayer teleports to dodge the missiles, he says, "Blasters. A 42-degree firing angle." I guess he's autistic and can't help calling out the angles of things because noticing the angle of the blasters means nothing when you're just teleporting out of the way.

Meanwhile Superman continues to fight Zade who introduces himself to Superman so that Superman won't forget him. Well, at least that means he's not going to kill Superman. That should allow Superman to relax.

Although this statement probably just made Clark's asshole repucker.

Just before Superman finds out what Zade's thing does, Superboy drives a truck into Zade. This defeats Zade because Superman apparently punches like a Kryptonian girl on a planet with a yellow sun. How is driving a truck into Zade more powerful than Superman punching Zade in the face? Superman punched Zade's arm earlier to make Zade let go of his throat and it didn't work. But a fucking semi-trailer truck smashes into him from the back and Zade is knocked out? I'm going to simply believe that Zade's ass is his Achilles Heel.

I didn't know (and still don't really know!) if it should be Achilles' Heel or Achilles Heel. I can see arguments for both so maybe it depends on usage. If the heel is actually the one that belongs to Achilles, then the apostrophe. But if it's just the phrase meaning a weakness that can lead to somebody's downfall, no apostrophe would be needed because the Achilles is just an adjective describing the kind of heel! The reason I mention this quandary is less about transparency and an exciting behind-the-scenes look at my writing but because when I was on the Wikipedia sight for Achilles' Heel, I checked out one of the past edits for "possible vandalism." Before reverting the article to its previous state, the "possibly" vandalized bit read this:

An '''Achilles' heel''' is a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall. While the mythological origin refers to a physical vulnerability, idiomatic references to other attributes or qualities that can lead to downfall are common. A large penis penetrated his heel killing him.

I don't know what the Wikipedia definition of "possibly" is but I think they're being overly cautious in its usage!

Superman leaves Zade without restraining him because he has never once really listened to any advice Batman has given him. Before he can stop Godslayer, Godslayer shows Superman an image of the future where Lex destroys an entire world. As if that's proof that Lex actually did it! I once drew a picture of me fucking my friend's mom and showed it to him and he rightly didn't believe I actually did it! And there's no way Superman is dumber than that friend of mine.

Superboy doesn't stay hidden well enough and Clark Kent catches a glimpse of him. I think he smells a Pulitzer! "Lois Lane Has Secret Bastard With Superman!"

I just remembered that there's already a Godslayer in the DC Universe! It's the knife that turned Barbara Ann Minerva into Cheetah! I wonder if they're related?

Superman gets stabbed in the shoulder and shot in the face before almost being beheaded. But Superboy stops Godslayer by whining "No! He's my dad!" while Clark Kent scribbles in his note pad and tries to hide his boner.

Godslayer and Zade scoop up Lex Luthor and teleport away to put Lex on trial for future crimes. If there were actually a way to tell future crimes, I'd want to be a Time Cop. Then anytime anybody made my life miserable, I would pretend to consult my Prediction Spheres before looking at them and saying, "Ah! A genocider!" Then I'd put them to death immediately and explain to all the witnesses that he might not be the only genocider in the area and maybe somebody wants to speak out against my actions, hunh?! Then when my Sergeant tries to reprimand me by saying there's no future evidence that the person I killed was a genocider, I'd be all, "Of course not! I killed them before they could become one! Why would the Prediction Spheres tell us old future news?! Duh!"

Clark notices Superman is upset about Lex's kidnapping and brings up the philosophical quandary about whether or not you'd kill Hitler as a baby to save millions of lives. Anybody who would do that is practically Hitler themselves! How could somebody kill a baby?! Especially when you'd have to live with the knowledge that you killed an innocent baby that never did anything to anybody (at least not yet). If it were up to me, I'd go back in time and give Hitler's mother an abortion!

Clark Kent votes for forgetting Lex was kidnapped and probably killed and to just go on with their lives and, by the way Superman, could you answer a question about that kid who says you're his dad?

The Review
No change. I guess this issue was better than the previous issue and definitely much more betterer than the issue before that! Next issue might be even better if it's just twenty pages of Clark Kent and Superman arguing the pros and cons of killing Baby Hitler and maybe how they'd go about it! At least Superman finally sees how this Clark Kent is different from him. He's a bloodthirsty maniac hungry for the blood of newborn babies! He also doesn't mind if Lex is killed for crimes he may never commit. I hope Clark Kent turns out to be a decently educated Bizarro.

Action Comics #967

Ah ha ha! What a crazy mix-up!

Look, my suspension of disbelief can take Clark Kent wearing his costume underneath his clothes. But I'm not buying that Lex pays for clothing fitted to hang over his armor! It's not like he's hiding his secret identity. Plus, he's smarter than Luke Fox so shouldn't he have one of those suits that puts itself on you when you dive out of a window? I'm probably not supposed to question the cover because it's just a joke. It's super funny too! Look at all the buttons flying everywhere! I bet Lois and Mercy are sick of sewing them back onto these guys's shirts.

Oh! I have an idea for showing our displeasure with Donald Trump! The day he takes office, everybody should Tweet him photos of their bowel movements every time they have one. Can you imagine how furious he'd be having to see millions of shits every day! I mean, he'll probably just have an assistant manage his Twitter when that begins to happen. But you know he'd ask, every day, if the shit pics were still coming in. How long before it would be a crime to send a picture of a shit, if that happened? Of course, we'd all still have to do it! It's not like anybody would take that law seriously! And just so we all get in the habit of doing it, from now until Trump's inauguration, we should tweet our bowel movements to Nigel Farage. I might buy a Smartphone just to do this! Who's with me?!

This is the first page! I knew Lois should have never been given her reporting job back!

L'call and Zade are the guys hunting Superman. They're Time Cops or something and they've come to kill Superman before he winds up destroying Earth and probably the Omniverse too. I mean, you don't hunt somebody through time if they're just going to jaywalk next week. I don't know if these guys are from the future or if they just heard a prophecy from a friend of a friend and are now acting on it. It's not like Superman has done anything horrible yet. I don't think. If this is time travel shenanigans, or alternate timeline knavery, then Superman can be blamed for practically anything and how can he defend himself?

The Time Cops might also be looking for somebody other than Superman. Especially since they sensed the "Annihilator" was nearby while in Metropolis and Superman is currently in the Amazon with Superboy tearing down trees. He discovers the Geneticron building there. I guess he figured out where it was with his Clark Kent investigative journalist skills. Once he finds it, he just leaves it there. He'll probably get Batman to figure out how to return it to Metropolis.

"Joshua Williamson takes a tired story--The Flash battles somebody faster than himself--and makes it more tireder!" -- Grunion Guy!

Lois Lane is busy interviewing Lex Luthor. She discovers that Lex's armor is linked to a Mother Box which makes him more dangerous than she already believed he was. But before she can get him to admit that he's still a big selfish jerk whose motivation to be Superman has nothing to do with keeping Metropolis safe, the Daily Planet is attacked!

Oh! Luthor does have the kind of armor that attaches itself after you fall out of a window!

Clark Kent uses his signal watch to summon Superman because nobody believes that whoever is attacking is a job for Lex Luthor. Especially when Lex Luthor is the job of the Time Cop attackers! Lex is destined to replace Darkseid and rule Apokolips which is why Godslayer and his buddy, Zade, have come to Earth to kill him. Idiots! Don't they know how time works? If Lex becomes Darkseid, he'll always become Darkseid! Going back in time to stop him is most assuredly the place he gets the idea to become Darkseid, along with the anger at Godslayer and the people Lex will eventually kill! "You all come back in time to kill me? Well, I'll kill you first!" Boom! Self-fulfilling time travel prophecy!

The Review
-1 Ranking. This comic books falls in the charts for two reasons: using time travel and motivation and introducing antagonists whose only reason for existing is to destroy the protagonists. Now the citizens of Metropolis who think Superman is more of a threat to Metropolis than a boon are justified in their beliefs! Because any collateral damage caused by this attack is absolutely Superman's fault. I mean, Lex Luthor Superman's fault, of course! But Superman is just lucky that this one time it isn't entirely his fault that aliens are attacking Metropolis.

Action Comics #960

Superman has plumber's butt on his chest.

The Commentary!
Actually Nerds are really actuallying me to the point of distraction! The worst thing about an Actually Nerd is that they think they're the only ones who can make jokes. God forbid you dare try to fucking make a joke around an Actually Nerd! Unless, I suppose, your joke relies on heavily researched and annotated material. They also generally believe they're the only ones who have ever really thought their own opinions through so it's not rare to find an Actually Nerd is also a Devil's Advocate. Don't they know how fucking insulting it is to think a forty-four year old person hasn't been made constantly miserable by thinking and rethinking their life's decisions or their personal ethics or that one time they were taking a shit when the comic book store called to set up an interview for the job and they completely missed their chance?! My whole fucking life could have been different!

I don't mind Actually Nerds in person because they usually get the hint that I don't want to hear their fucking master's thesis on whatever facts I twisted for the stupid joke I just made due to my constant jerking off motion while they speak and by the amount of times my eyes roll back in my head. If they don't notice those things (like if the Actually Nerd is blind), I'll groan really loudly and say, "OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IT WAS A JOKE YOU IDIOT!" But on the Internet, my only recourse is to reply to them with some horribly sarcastic and snarky response which they'll completely miss the point and probably Actually that as well.

I've decided the only way to avoid Actually Nerds is to stop having opinions. And since I can't stop having those, I guess I just have to deal with them.

This issue begins with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) watching Superman battle Doomsday. It's some kind of test he dreamt up to see if Superman will ever choose to use his brain over punching conflicts into submission. After Superman's encounter with Eradicator in his self-titled comic book, I think we know the answer to that quiz.

Or maybe not! Because maybe Superman won't have to defeat Doomsday this time. Maybe Lex Luthor or Wonder Woman will!

Tyler Kirkham definitely went to the same art school as David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I think it was called "School of Art and Design and Drawing Women (Fourteen Years or Younger Only)".

Let me "Actually!" myself! Actually, maybe she doesn't look that young here (although maybe she does!). It's just so similar to Finch and Daniel because her face is so smooth and her eyes so shiny and her lips so full while Clark's face is lined and his lips are practically non-existent. I'm sure his eyes would be dull as well but you can't really see them. It's like these artists at DC have never seen a man underneath good lighting and have only ever seen women under the best lighting direction in the world.

On second thought, Wonder Woman totally looks like a teenager in that scan. And Clark Kent looks like an Actually Nerd.

Wonder Woman wastes time telling Clark Kent to get medical attention when she could be stopping Doomsday. Isn't this always the way? A woman is trying to get shit done and a guy is all, "But what about me?! Take care of me! Can I call you Mother?"

I keep telling people "NO!" as well but they still insist that I pay bills, pay rent, take showers, eat, not scream at people on the streets, make an effort. It's exhausting!

Wonder Woman tells Kent that she'll get to the bottom of his existence because "the dead don't come back to life." When did she start believing that?! She knows Hades personally! She knows people can come back to life! I think what she's really saying is, "I will get to the bottom of this later and by "bottom of this," I mean your penis in my vagina."

Meanwhile, Superman continues to fight Doomsday. I can't decide if Doomsday looks cool with all of those stony protrusions or if he just looks like an out of control Amish man. Somebody put a wide brim black hat on him.

I hate the spoken phrase "black hat." Is it a hat caught in a high tree top? Or a cat?! How can you tell without cheating and looking at the lyric sheet! I also hate the spoken phrases "black eyes/black ice/black guys"! I thought my grandma was completely racist for years when I'd go drive somewhere in the cold. "Watch out for the black guys!" I kept thinking she was saying!

Somebody forgot to put in the pussy drying up sound effect.

Last time Preboot Superman fought Doomsday, he relied on his fists and he died. This time, Superman thinks, "What if I rely on my fists?!" I think maybe he has brain damage from the last time he fought Doomsday.

Wonder Woman looks so young here that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about that pussy drying up comment.

Superman decides that maybe the punching isn't the best idea. So he decides to smash buses over Doomsday's head. I guess that's technically a different tactic. Lex Luthor hasn't made an appearance yet because he's evacuating the city which takes a long time. Superman finally realizes that maybe it would be easier to take Doomsday out of Metropolis! I can't wait until he realizes he should call the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Back at the Super-Smith farm, Jon screams his fool head off and Doomsday hears him. Doomsday, apparently a pedophile, takes off through the sewers to go get him a piece of Superman's son. If you were molested by an unstoppable alien creature designed to destroy everything in its path, I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories.

For some reason, Clark Kent is still hanging around taking notes so he can write up a big story about the fight that nobody will read because they all watched the fight live on television. What is Clark Kent going to bring to the experience with his lousy words?! Will he have some insightful take on the experience that would make reading The Daily Plaent worth being bored to tears? I wonder if I should ask myself the same question! Why would anybody want to read my thoughts on a comic book that they can read themselves?! Oh shit! My pussy just dried up!

It is ingenious since the "in" prefix can turn the word into its opposite meaning! Luthor is so bad at science!

This is why people don't believe in evolution. Because they don't actually understand evolution. Although if I'm being fair to the imagined comic book concept, I suppose Doomsday's creator's plan could work but I have to wonder why he needed his "baby" to die over and over again. Instead of sending Doomsday into a harsh environment to discover he could only live without water for three days and, only after that discovery, genetically programmed Doomsday's system so that it could survive without water for four days, couldn't he have just created a Doomsday that never needs water right from the start? If he were an imaginative person, he could have created a creature that was invulnerable, immortal, super strong, and could make people cry by performing Othello. The scientist didn't need to put Doomsday through all that torture! It's not like Doomsday dying somehow changed his DNA! It was just to give the scientist an idea of what to program for and against!

Unless I'm totally understanding the Doomsday situation incorrectly! Maybe I should just pretend evolution is exactly like creationism and move on.

I've never died once and I hate all life too!

Basically Doomsday reproduces asexually but only after he dies and with the added benefit of somehow gaining new traits that prevent him from dying in the way he died previously. That's way too fucking complicated and sadistic. Doomsday's dad really should have just gone with the whole invulnerable and immortal thing.

For some reason, Doomsday hates Kryptonians more than anybody else (except maybe Booster Gold). I guess his creator was not only a sadist but a racist as well.

Superman and Wonder Woman fly off to make sure Jon and Lois are okay. It gives Lois and Diana a chance to meet so that Lois can say, "Where we come from, Wonder Woman and I are friends. Close friends." Whoa! I know what an emphasis on "close" means in this context! Now I can't wait for the new comic book, "Lois Lane, Wonder Woman's Close Friend." Is it just a coincidence that "close" and "closeted" are spelled so similarly?

Doomsday shows up to punch Wonder Woman in the face as Lois and Jon drive off to safety. I guess next issue is the big battle. But how will Superman win if Doomsday just dies and comes back and is all, "You can't punch me to death now, Brah!" Then Wonder Woman will have to choke him to death with her lasso and he'll come back and be all, "You can't choke me to death with your lasso now, Brah!" And Superman will be all, "You know what that means, right, Doomy? No danger to you during autoerotically pleasuring yourself! Have at!" Then Superman will hand Doomsday a rope and Doomsday will disappear inside of a closet and never be heard from again.

The Review!
I own the Death of Superman issue but I don't remember reading it. Which is a shame because I know I opened the bag it came in and read it. I should have just read my friend Upright's copy! If I did remember reading it, would this story be more exciting? Would I appreciate the dramatic tension more? Or would it still be just another boring fist fight that I'm being told might be the death of Superman so that I'll think it's more exciting than it really is? I wonder if Dan Jurgens was just killing time on the last few scripts as he tried to think of a way Superman could defeat Doomsday using his brains instead of his fists. My main problem with this comic book is that I know it isn't written exclusively for adults because the only scene I really want to see is the one where Wonder Woman chops Doomsday's dick off.

Action Comics #959

This is Lex trying to be a good guy?

The Review!
I guess Dan Jurgens wasn't happy with the Death of Superman story he wrote twenty-five years ago. It's time to tell it differently. Probably with a surprise ending where Superman lives! I hope it ends soon though because the only interesting thing about Doomsday is that he once killed Superman. And--let's face it--he's not going to do it again. So what we have here is a story with no tension about a villain with no personality on a rampage with no motivation. I don't think it ticks off any boxes in the "Things That Make A Story" list of boxes to tick! Although it does leave the reader wondering, "Who is Clark Kent? What a surprise mystery! My bowels are on fire! This story is so exciting! No, wait! That's the burrito I ate doing that! So many jalapeños!" I wonder how many times during the story Dan Jurgens asked his editor, "Can we make the enemy Soviet Russia?" Only the people you know that Dan Jurgens is a robot built in 1986 whose memory has never been upgraded will understand that joke. And maybe even some of those people won't understand it!

The Commentary!
I tend to avoid saying or writing things in a straightforward manner which usually just confuses earnest and probably boring people. It also confuses the Actually Nerds because they can't wait to fucking find fault with something somebody said! And a lot of times, it seems like I might have put forward an erroneous piece of information! I probably didn't but don't try to convince an Actually Nerd that you weren't wrong! Although if you consistently write in a confusing enough manner, you can get away with saying all kinds of horrible things! Because when somebody accuses you of being pro-domestic violence (which seems a really fucking strange thing to believe somebody would believe! I mean, they might commit domestic violence or make jokes about it but you'll rarely find somebody bearing its standard! I mean, unless they're religious in a really fundamental way!), you can tell them that they read the offending piece wrong and that maybe they should try reading it again but with the understanding that I am not pro-domestic violence. That usually clears things up. Or, at the very least, it makes the person go away. And I don't feel the need to come out on top of every debate I have! I just want it to end quickly so I can go back to not being bothered by people.

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane remembering when Preboot Doomsday attacked Preboot Superman.

Let's be honest here: at the time, the Justice League were amateur hour.

In the previous caption, I didn't know whether to say "the Justice League were amateur hour" or "the Justice League was amateur hour." But since Lois settled on were even though she may have only used that in reference to they (which was referencing the Justice League, so...), I decided to follow suit. She is the greatest journalist ever for some reason! I think in her comic book, Lois Lane, Superman's Girlfriend, she used to write cute little articles that got some attention. You know, for a girl.

Oh! That was one of those horrible things I pretend I can get away with writing! Because while most people will read it and call me an asshole and never read anything I've written ever again, some people will read that and understand that I'm not being sexist at all! I'm pointing out how sexist it was to name Lois Lane's comic book, "Superman's Girlfriend." But some people don't like that kind of satire or parody or whatever it was. They just think I'm using it as an excuse to belittle Lois Lane's writing due to her gender. I would never do that! I always belittle her writing because it's usually horrible. Especially when Scott Lobdell is allowed to write it.

I don't think Lois meant for this to sound like it does.

Doomsday is currently killing Lex Luthor and Superman is taking his time coming to the rescue. I know Superman is supposed to save everybody but it's not like he has to save everybody immediately, you know? Sometimes learning a lesson is more important than a few broken bones.

Doomsday says "Brah!" when Superman finally tackles him off of Lex. Does that mean I should begin referring to him as Doucheday? Doomsdouche? I don't think either one of those is catchy enough. It's not like Deathstork which just rolls off the tip of my fingers (mostly on accident).

Superman has decided that this isn't the Doomsday of this Earth who was already pummeled into an airborne virus. This is the same Doomsday from his world! Or at least a nearly identical approximation of that Doomsday, probably created by all of the worlds greatest scientists and artists on a secret island who were then killed before receiving their paychecks from Doctor Oz(ymandias). If Superman can defeat Doomsday this time, he'll pass the test! I don't know what kind of test it is. I guess it's to test if Superman will actually think through a problem instead of bashing it into submission with his fits.

Superman smashes Doomsday through the street and into the sewers. The mysterious new Clark Kent falls in the hole while warning Jimmy Olsen not to fall in the hole. He's clumsy enough to be the real Clark Kent! And he breaks his arm in the fall, so he's definitely not a super person. He probably is New 52 Superman who finally lost all of his powers and somehow switched places with the Quarmer. He's going to need some tips from Steve Trevor about how to survive having sex with Wonder Woman.

Clark and Superman exchange a few words to let the reader know something fucked up is going on but doesn't reveal enough to be interesting. Why do characters always waste time talking about how there's no time to explain the stuff that the reader wants explained? Just explain the stuff in the same amount of time it takes to argue about how you don't have time to explain it!

Lex manages to evacuate all of the citizens in the area just before Superman and Doomsday blow a crater in Metropolis a mile wide. Only Doomsday emerges from the rubble which doesn't mean anything except that Doomsday can dig out of rubble faster than Superman. But it probably causes Lois to pee her pants a little bit as she watches from home with Jon.

Deathstroke #17

In the art world, this stance is known as "I didn't plan my space correctly and began drawing the figure too low and too big so I had to make him kneeling and disappearing into the ground."

The Review or Whatever!
I could go all "'nuff said" on this review and simply point out that one of Deathstork's enemies last issue called him "Douchéstroke" and let people figure out if that's for them or not (I've learned how to type the "e" with an accent now so I can easily refer to Deathstroke as "Douchéstork"!). But I feel I'd be remiss in not pointing out all of the other shit that has gone horribly wrong in the telling of Douchéstork's Rebooted Reboot of his New 52 Reboot tale. Like for instance, Slade Wilson is now a young man for some reason. It doesn't matter how or why because it matters little to Slade. The only thing he needed to do was check his balls and they seemed fine, so that was the end of that. The only reason for his sudden youth, I suspect, was Tony S. Daniel must have believed it would attract the youth market who would suddenly be interested in shipping him with other characters. Although I'm not sure if the new creative team realizes that Slade was only recently turned into a young man.

This was supposedly five years ago. Perhaps Slade the Silver Fox was just really into Just For Men back then?

The guy Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kidding out of the panel with Slade is another one of this comic book's stunning errors. He's a man who has given himself the metahuman moniker of Lawman. Fucking "LAWMAN"! Seriously! Who thinks up this shit?! Not me! If I were to come up with this story, I would have called him Sheriff Guy!

Speaking of the term "guy", I learned today on Twitter from one of my heroes, Susie Dent, that the word "guy" as in Tumblr's "You guys! Pay attention to me" guys derives from Guy Fawkes. It's because his effigies were known as guys, like in "Bring me all of those guys to throw on the fire!" It then did some other stuff and now here we are! Or something. Shut up.

Dammit! I just realized I missed the perfect opportunity to say, "You guys! Actually, didactic stuff about how guys entered the vernacular said in a fairly condescending way!"

Douchéstork has been searching for his missing daughter Rose because he wants people to actually think he cares about her (he doesn't). In doing so, he's made enemies with some Street Fighter II character named Snakebite and found himself in Shitstain, Montana, about to die. He probably won't die because the guy masterminding this ambush is the idiot I mentioned earlier who wanted to be called Lawman. That doesn't even sound cool! I'd rather be called Turd Police.

Lawman is angry because he was killed on the battlefield and Slade left his corpse there. Their enemies brought him back to life and used him as a metahuman blood bank. That's why Lawman is so angry with Slade. Because Slade decided to save himself instead of dying trying to drag a corpse off of a raging battlefield. As reasons go, it's not the worst motivation for a villain. I can only say that because I've read stories by Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell.

I would like to think that if I ever died and my friend left my corpse so he could save his own life and my corpse was later brought back to life and horrible things were done to my reanimated body, I would be so ecstatic to be alive again that I wouldn't give a shit. Definitely the last thing I would be thinking would be, "Ew! That Doom Bunny is going to pay for thinking about himself and his wife and kids and not making my dead body his first and only priority! I'll teach him never to abandon a corpse again!"

Okay, so I've now established that Lawman doesn't just have a silly name, he's also an idiot with no facility for logic.

In the literary world, this is known as "I didn't plan this story at all and am now providing this explication to tie it all together even though it's a bunch of bullshit nonsense."

Lawman also works with some new covert organization named NOVA (which I'm sure will be a really clever acronym when it's finally revealed) which targets "metahuman criminals and those who use their powers for currency." Why couldn't that be the entire reason for hunting down Slade? Why all the "I was your friend and you left my corpse to be reanimated and tortured, you jerk!"? I think the whole NOVA thing works just fine without introducing all the stuff that makes Lawman appear silly (I mean the stuff besides his name. No fixing that. Except, you know, giving him a different name that isn't stupid).

Okay, now that everybody understands what's going on and how Lawman definitely is going to kill Slade because he also can't wait to be known as the man who killed Douchéstork, Lawman shoots Slade in the head and dances a jig. Oh no, wait. I got ahead of myself. That was my speculation as to how this scene would end in the most logical way. I forgot about the part where Lawman has no facility for logic.

Oh, that's right! Give him a fighting chance! Ruin your whole Harvestian plan that took forever to pull off just to throw it all in the toilet here at the end! Way to go, Flawman.

Red Hood has also been dragged off to Buttereddick, Montana, so he's able to save Douchéstork (whom he named, by the way. I mean, except for the stork part. He came up with the terrible "douché" part. What's with the fucking accent, Todd? Is that how Alfred used to pronounce douche?) in the nick of time! Whew! I thought for sure Douchéstork was going to save himself.

Lawman uses his mind powers (oh yeah. He has mind powers. Seems sort of useless for somebody without much of a mind) to convince Jason Todd that he sees Batman. Jason follows illusory Batman back to Gotham or something. I don't know. He just leaves the comic book at this point. Does it matter?

Douchéstork is once again about to be killed by Lawman but this time Rose Wilson saves his life. For some reason. I'm sure it has to do with Daddy Issues. That seems to be a running theme in DC Comics. That's why my blog's banner is the way it is. Not the Blogger one! The Tumblr one!

While Rose is being stabbed by Lawman, Slade gets up behind him with his sword and cuts off his head! No, wait. He puts the sword down and does this instead:

Daddy's an idiot.

And since Douchéstork is now unarmed, Lawman simply goes ahead and does this:

I guess Lawman just can't be beat!

Just before Lawman kills Slade and Rose, Jericho pulls some mental shenanigans which makes Lawman think Rose and Slade have disappeared. I didn't know he had that power. Slade and Rose limp over to him so that Slade can remind his children why they hate him when he calls his son Joseph "Jericho." And hanging out with Jericho is Ra's al Ghul because whatever. It might tie into some earlier part of this series but I can't remember. It might also just be the only thing the creative team could think to add for a big last page surprise. "Horrible story still tainted by Tony S. Daniel's awful writing ability finally over! And look who's now in it! Surprise!" I don't think the surprise was enough to make up for all of the other shit in this story.

Poor Deathstroke has been garbage for so long. At least it's been consistent, I guess.

Deathstroke #12

Why isn't Yosemite Sam currently the spokesperson for the NRA?

This is supposed to be the part of the day where I read the most recent Batman and Robin Eternal but since I didn't bother to leave the house at all today, I guess I'll read Deathstroke instead. It's a bit like reaching for your anal beads and accidentally grabbing a pineapple. That might not make a lot of sense to people who don't understand the pleasures of shoving anything at all in their ass but they shouldn't worry. Deathstroke doesn't make a lot of sense either. Currently he's invading Belle Reve so it seems like he actually cares about his daughter. It's a lot of work to fool readers into believing he's got any capacity at all for emotion so that they defend him whenever I point out he's actually a psychotic monster.

Tess: "Deathstroke is a psychopathic monster!"
Deathstroke Fan: "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU CUNT BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHARACTER OR AT LEAST THE STUFF ABOUT THE CHARACTER I LEARNED FROM THE TEEN TITANS CARTOON WHICH MAKES HIM MORE SYMPATHETIC THAN THE TIME HE WAS FUCKING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL!"
Tess: "That's a fair and reasoned imaginary point which I wrote myself to make my detractors sound completely mental."
Thirteen Year Old Boy Which Is A Synonym For 'Deathstroke Fan': "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT DEATHSTROKE AND WHILE I'M YELLING AT YOU CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I WOKE UP WITH STICKY SHEETS THIS MORNING?!"
Tess: "It means that one day soon, Deathstroke Fan, you will be able to appreciate Deathstroke as a character without needing to lie to yourself about how he's not a psychopath! What a magical time you're in for! Years and years of wondering why women look like they've just bitten into a lemon every time you try to talk to them."

I'm not usually for any kind of censorship or restrictions to the internet but I have an idea on how to make the overall online experience more satisfying for the majority of users: ban teenage boys from it completely. Just from the regular internet and only until they can pass a slightly modified version of the Voight-Kampff test. Until then, they must log onto the "Internet for Teenage Boys and Men Who Nobody Really Likes Very Much." I'm sure after the new internet regulations are instituted, we'll all discover who the next biggest assholes on the internet are and then we'll have to come for them while nobody stands up to stop us! I'm thinking it will be the Harry Potter fandom and people who obsess over their Myers–Briggs results. Although it will probably just wind up being teenage girls. It's really hard to tell who the second most horrible group on the internet is due to the intense and overwhelming awfulness of teenage boys.

How many Narration Boxes does this need to stop being a comic book and simply become an illustrated novel?

To nobody's surprise, the second and third pages of this comic book are a double splash page. It's essential to the plot since there's no other way Daniel, Bonny, and Kirkham could have portrayed the intense intenseness they needed to communicate through a large image of Black Manta and Deathstroke wrestling underwater. I'm not even sure that could fit on a single page!

This issue is called "Blood in the Water" because I guess Deathstroke has just been cut while in water? Is that now supposed to attract King Shark? Or is the title suggesting that the murder of Rose's girlfriend was meant to attract Deathstroke so that he could be tagged and studied? Maybe this entire issue will just be Black Manta and Deathstroke grappling under water while partially covered up by Narration Boxes full of all the interesting thoughts inside of Deathstroke's head? A scene or two of Harley saying something insane and adorable like "I'm having my period!" will help lighten the mood.

Grappling underwater partially covered by Narration Boxes full of Deathstroke's thoughts? Check!

Deathstroke manages to knock Black Manta out of the water so that he can finally climb out of the tank to take a breath. Although I get the feeling breathing is less important than delivering his cutting action star line of "Okay, A-hole. Now let's try this on my turf!" Chilling!

The story flashes back to before Deathstroke's assault on Belle Reve because Slade either needed an accomplice to help get Rose out of Belle Reve if she's even there or Tony and James had a genius idea to have Harley working with Slade. Because whoever he's hiring to help him is a mysterious woman in the shadows. You can see that she has boobs but her head isn't shown because the pony tails might give away the big twist. The reader does get to see that she has red nails on her right hand though and guess who else has the same fingernail polish?!

I'm want to declare right now that it isn't Harley because that would make no sense judging by the way Slade assaulted her last issue and the way she crossed her fingers behind her back when lying to him. Unless she does that whenever she's acting in front of Waller's security cameras because acting is inherently lying and Harley is superstitious about lying without crossing her fingers. I want to declare that but I can't because Tony S. Daniel helped plot this book.

Harley talking about her period? Check!

The careful reader will arrive at the panel above and think, "Wait. Didn't Deathstroke emerge from the water wielding two machetes? Why is he now armed with nunchucks?" The Deathstroke fan will arrive at the above panel and think, "FUCK YEAH THIS IS SO BADASS MOTHERFUCKER I'M SPRAYING CUM ALL OVER THE WALLS!"

On the next page of the battle, Deathstroke loses the nunchucks and he pulls his swords back out. I'm not a tactical genius and I've only ever pretended to read The Art of War when I needed to make a quote to bolster my side of an argument so I probably shouldn't critique Deathstroke on how often he switches his weapons in battle. I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Prison security breaks up the fight and Slade slips away with Harley to go find Waller. But to get to Waller, Slade has to deal with a bunch of bad guys who don't have super villain names. That's a good thing because that means they can die! So now he pulls out two handguns and blows them all away. Too bad he couldn't have done that to Black Manta and Deadshot! Stupid New 52 rules against killing members of the Suicide Squad.

Christ, Harley! Enough with the menstruation talk!

An inmate named Snakebite has kidnapped Waller. He's just a guy who forgot that Copperhead already existed so he's really not that big a deal. Wow. So you have a snake head instead of a human head! And it's not just a mask like Copperhead's was! Oh wait! Copperhead's snake head isn't a mask anymore either thanks to more of The New 52 rules which state, "No super power shall exist only in weapon form. It must be intrinsic to the character. As such, all anthropomorphic costumes must appear as an actual physical change to the character, e.g. Bronze Tiger and Copperhead." I'm pretty sure those were editorial mandates. So Snakebite is just a bit too late on the whole exciting Weresnake frontier.

A fleet of helicopters are heading toward Belle Reve so it's time for Slade to get the fuck out. Good thing he paid his accomplice to help out in this situation. And his accomplice? Catwoman. Poor, poor Catwoman. She couldn't resist the lure of a big bag of gold even though it meant appearing in another shitty comic book. I suppose she suffered through the Ann Nocenti years for free, so why not make a little coin by letting Tony S. Daniel and his sidekick James Bonny write her?

Wait? He forgot he hired her?

Deathstroke 12 Rating: No change. I suppose if you want to read about Deathstroke killing people and fighting other super villains to a draw, you might really enjoy this comic book. Or if you like Harley saying light-hearted things in the thick of intense action and drama, you might sort of enjoy this comic book. Or if you find yourself cheering at full page reveals of new character ideas which are really just copies of past characters with a different name, you might like at least one page in this comic book. If you're into stories that make sense and follow a linear plot and don't try to force Catwoman into the story by assuming she's just as good at breaking into a prison as she is at breaking into an art gallery or a museum, you're probably already avoiding this comic book at all costs. A good rule of thumb to follow is not to buy any comic books that have the name "Daniel" on the cover.

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Deathstroke #11

I'm failing to see how the monster variant is any different from the regular Slade.

Last issue ended with Slade Wilson tearing out his own eyeball and telling the Greek Gods to take it or leave it. I guess the gods decided to take it because this issue begins high above Belle Reve where Deathstroke has decided to schedule another useless, unnecessary double splash page.

It wouldn't have made any sense to render Flying Squirrel Deathstroke in anything less than a double page spread. So majestic!

This issue is called "Assault on the Wall" because Deathstroke is going "over the wall" to get into Belle Reve and also because he's going to physically assault a woman named "The Wall." It's okay though! That isn't misogynistic at all because every DC comic book reader knows that Amanda Waller is a total bitch that deserves to be beaten.

Deathstroke mentions how he didn't start this fight but, BY GOD!, he's going to finish it! No woman gets one over on Slade Wilson! Especially after a woman got one over on him in the last story arc which is why, I suppose, he's in such a hurry to beat up on Amanda. I don't know why else he's taking the fight to her. Maybe because she didn't pay him for his Suicide Squad mission that he never should have been on because he wasn't a prisoner? Plus he betrayed the team. Also why would the government hire an assassin when they have loads of meta-criminals at their beck and call in Belle Reve?

I'm probably jumping the gun by asking too many questions! I'm sure it will all be explained on the next few pages across dozens of Narration Boxes. I love when comic books spend all of their time dealing with explication! It's so much easier to understand what's going on.

Of course the comic book flips flop back through time to a day and a half earlier where Deathstroke has decided he needs to remember a whole bunch of stuff so that anybody listening in on his thoughts will be caught up with the story.

I know a lot of comic book reviewers aren't very smart so let me give them all a valuable tip: the more Narration Boxes a writer uses, the worse that writer is. It's practically a universal constant! It's the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Constant!

Slade still can't remember that his son's name is Joseph. And he wonders why his kids hate him!

I would like a panel of the Greek Gods sitting around looking sad while staring at Slade's eye on a marble table. Then maybe Cupid could pipe up and be all, "Wait. Why did we take his offer? Couldn't we have just killed him?"

Rose's home is invaded by armed persons as Deathstroke watches via spy satellite. He then screams at The Inquisitor to make it seem like he cares about his children. Within hours, Slade is cradling a dead body in his arms saying, "My daughter! My daughter! Rose? Was that her name? Yeah, yeah! I'm pretty sure it was Rose!" But the dead body isn't Rose at all! It's Rose's girlfriend who luckily took dying sexy classes. I hate when comic book artists don't draw female corpses in sexy positions where it looks like they're about to come their brains out.

Good work, Tyler! Good work.

The t-shirt is a reminder from Harley Quinn to Deathstroke that they made a horrible deal. I forget what the deal was or why Deathstroke would agree to it without also receiving five million dollars since he once said he doesn't kill for free. Anyway, his part of the deal is to kill Amanda Waller. That's a terrible deal because it means Slade is going to fail! That means his reputation will take a hit and nobody will ever want to hire him again! Even Twat Lobo will shake his head and mutter something about how he'd never let The Code down that bad. It's also possible that Harley will stop Deathstroke from killing Amanda at the last second and say, "Surprise! Happy birthday! Have you ever seen the inside of a clown car?!" Then fucking will happen.

Back in the present, Waller files a missile at Slade but he's prepared! He brought a missile distracting flare gun and a killer line to use as he shoots the flare gun: "Suck on this." Ha ha! That's some writing thirteen year old boys can really appreciate! I mean, I wouldn't have appreciated it at thirteen unless it was said by a sexy lady and she was handing me a sour Charms sucker.

Deathstroke drops an EMP on Belle Reve so that all the electronics are fried. And you know what that means! As soon as all the electronics become useless garbage, the electronic locks on the cells open the cells before becoming useless! That's standard prison etiquette!

I wonder if there was an article about writing "Breaking Into Prison" stories in Horrible Writers Monthly recently? Or is it just a coincidence that Will Pfeifer and Tony S. Daniel both wrote stories with their characters breaking into prison and letting all of the inmates out? I suppose I should just chalk it up to standard breaking into prison writing tropes rather than blame it on a fictional magazine I made up.

Once in the prison (Slade parachuted right through the roof, I think), Slade finds Harley while all of the guards are being murdered by escaped inmates. This is probably where I would point out that Slade is a psychopath for allowing a bunch of guards just doing their jobs to be killed but I don't want to be tsk-tsked by an angry fourteen year old comic book fan.

It doesn't matter that she's crossing her fingers because Slade won't kill Amanda anyway! Amanda has Too Big A Comic Character And Starring In Other Comic Books Immunity!

Slade teams up with Harley because Slade desperately needs to find the daughter he pretends to love. They murder a bunch of inmates because they must be on the floor with the inmates who all have face blindness because none of them seem to know that they're attacking Deathstroke. Another way to say "attacking Deathstroke" is "committing suicide."

Harley has one big breast in the middle of her chest and lips like the bud of a rose.

Deathstroke runs into Deadshot because that's a rivalry that only exists because their names are practically the same. They don't fight for long before Deathstroke realizes that somebody besides Harley left that message on Rose's dead girlfriend. But they don't have time to figure out what's going on because their fight brought them into the fabled "Aquatic Block" of Belle Reve where Black Manta apparently gets to hang out in a vat of water in his armor. Sure, every other time we've seen him, he's been in a cell with no access to his weapons. But this is a prison riot! Of course he would get out of his cell, find his armor (which according to comic book prison layout policy would have been kept in an unlocked locker on the cell block), and go jump in a vat of water in the Aquatic Block to wait for Deathstroke! Because when Deathstroke gets there, Black Manta drags him into a vat to let Slade know that it's "payback time."

Deathstroke #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I have no fucking idea what is going on in this comic book. I think reading it is like soaking your head in a bucket full of chloroform. At first it's intoxicating! But soon you wake up with a headache next to a spilled bucket with your pants around you ankles and every orifice filled with cheese dip. At least I hope that's cheese dip. Oh god. I need to go puke.

Deathstroke #10

This fight probably began because somebody didn't have enough time to explain the situation but they did have enough time for a battle. Or Deathstroke was paid to kill Green Lantern.

Last time in DEATHSTROKE!

A maniac named Lapetus (a fictional character based on the already fictional Titan of Yore named Iapetus (Was "Titan of Yore" too much? Should I scale the pretend nerd back some?)) was ravaging Paradise Island while Superman, Wonder Woman, and Deathstroke had an easily resolved disagreement. I don't mean the disagreement was easily solved! I just meant that it was the kind of disagreement that would normally be easily solved unless the two people disagreeing want to punch first and second and third and fourth and to discuss things rationally only as a last resort. And since the two people with the disagreement were Superman and Deathstroke, a lot of punching and passing the blame around happened before everybody realized they were on the same page about saving the world. That's when Lapetus returned with his Magic Polearm to destroy everything.

Deathstroke reminds the readers through inelegant Narration Boxing how he was beaten by Superman and Wonder Woman. Or was he beaten? Perhaps he was holding back, he postulates. And then he corrects himself and says, "Or maybe the sword was holding back." See? The God-Killer Sword is now the main character of this book. Without it, Deathstork Deathstroke would have already failed this mission several times over. And Deathstroke knows it, too.

Apparently Deathstroke is a thirteen year old boy.

But even though Deathstroke has a fucking awesome sword, he knows he, Superman, and Wonder Woman are going to have a tough time defeating Lapetus because Lapetus has a totally rad spear.

Just in case the "fucking awesome sword" bit hasn't convinced you that Deathstroke's mind was transformed to that of a thirteen year old when his body was transformed into that of a younger man, here's a little more proof.

I'm so fucking pumped now!

I hesitate to even mention this movie because it might cause some people to look it up on Netflix and watch it, but I recently watched Death Race 3: Inferno and I'm dumber than ever. I bring it up because it's filled with characters who are bad-ass motherfuckers who don't back down and always have some rebellious thing to say. Also they can back up all of their tough talk and never get beat by the opposition unless it's the one time in the movie where the bad guy is allowed to get the upper hand so you can see the raging motivation in the protagonist's eyes. I don't understand why that's the kind of character Hollywood thinks everybody wants to see. I suppose they're selling movies to a bunch of emasculated males who feel they have no real power in their daily lives so they need to live vicariously through characters who stand tall and kick ass and never allow anybody to disrespect them ever. One of the reasons Mad Max is such a great character is that he's not the omnipotent hero that people expect from movies like Road Warrior or Beyond Thunderdome or Fury Road. He's vulnerable and constantly getting the shit kicked out of him. But he endures; he survives. And he doesn't just do so by looking out for just himself. He fights for others. Okay, so he doesn't ever go into a situation looking to help other people. He's just trying to get by the best way he knows how. But once he's embroiled in their conflicts, he doesn't abandon them. He helps out even when, by the end of the movie, his situation isn't much improved except that he's free from enemies once more. For a short while, of course.

One of the complaints I've heard about Fury Road is that it doesn't have a story. It absolutely has a story. It has as much story as the previous two Mad Max movies. It's just that the stories aren't really Mad Max's stories. He's always just an NPC in some PC's campaign.

While I'm busy digressing, let me also say this about Death Race 3: Inferno! The movie sets up the story about a guy who becomes Frankenstein after a deadly accident. Now he wears a mask but he still races with his old crew. But he's not allowed to tell them that he's their friend Lucas. Why? I don't know. Business. Or politics. But his anonymity only lasts about ten minutes (I don't actually know how long it lasted. But it doesn't last long) before his crew find out he's their old friend they thought was dead before they all begin the next Death Race. And then they're all angry at him and feel betrayed. I guess because they're a bunch of selfish assholes (just like the characters on Arrow!). So the whole anonymity subplot has no actual story reason and lasts for nearly no time. It's only set up so that Frankenstein and his crew can be enmeshed in instant drama and conflict. As a Writer (with a capital "W"!), I was disgusted by such an amateurish contrivance! The entire movie was written in much the same way! And yet I still watched it until the end because I love it when I'm hating things. Which brings me out of the digression and into a nice segue leading back into Deathstroke!

Superman attacks Lapetus but is blasted back by either the Magic Spear or Lapetus's scathing insult of "alien parasite"!

First off, there was no old plan. Second off, what other battles can you choose from? It's sort of you guys versus Lapetus and that's about it.

The new plan is for Wonder Woman to fuck off and protect the other Amazons whom she didn't care about back when she let Lapetus find his body parts while she dickered with Slade. Superman is going to go stop the erupting volcano which has already pretty much destroyed the entire island anyway. And God-Killer Sword is going to battle Mighty Piercer (that's the name of Lapteus's Magic Polearm. Maybe). That seems like a fair division of labor. Why have the God of War battle the Titan of Mortality, right? Better to have the God-Killer Sword take up that challenge, even if it isn't called the Titan-Killer Sword. I think that's just semantics.

What the fuck? Is there an on/off switch deep inside? I suppose he can freeze breath everything but wouldn't frozen lava expand causing more earthquakes, open chasms, and general destruction? I could be wrong since I'm no geologist. Maybe there are on/off switches inside volcanoes.

Deathstroke and Lapetus have more of that inane pre-battle dialogue which goes something like "Mine is eight inches!" and "Well, mine is almost seven inches but as thick as a Coke can!" Then they pull them out and touch them together. Lapetus calls his "my beloved sister" which is weird, right?

Superman stops up the volcano with a big rock so that takes care of the high amounts of pressure which caused the volcano to blow in the first place, right? He didn't just cure a symptom or anything. Island saved!

I realize Tony S. Daniel got the name of the Titan wrong when he chose to call it Lapetus (unless the Letterer just couldn't read Tony's typewriting) but he gets the incestuous relationship between Iapetus and his sister almost exactly right! Here's some of the stuff Lapetus says: "My beloved sister, you possess this weapon and guide my hand to victory...". Whew! I'm starting to chub up at that language! But wait! That's not all! "To feel the caress of your power...it fills me with everlasting joy." This is some erotic stuff! And it's about to get erotickier!

Their dicks are touching.

Deathstroke, using his keen tactical mind and immense strategic intelligence, begins to realize that something is weird about Lapetus's Mighty Penetrator. There's something in it that really shouldn't be in it according to everything society teaches us about not fucking your sister. And since Lapetus can read Slade's mind, he comments on Slade's thinking as he works through what he's perceiving. Lapetus's big insult is this: "It's amusing. Watching your tiny intellect wrestle with what is so beyond it. Like a termite attempting to read poetry." Yeah, but what poetry? I mean, I figure a termite can probably understand some of Keats' thoughts on the brevity of life but I'm not sure it would have the scope of understanding to immerse itself in the self-made mythology of Yeats which is needed to truly understand most of his work.

Deathstroke realizes that the Mighty Penetrator houses the spirit of Lapetus's sister. Now if Tony S. Daniel has his mythology straightened out better than he has the names of the mythological characters, this might be Slade's chance to appeal to the sense of justice of Lapteus's sister Lhemis. Or Deathstroke will either try to destroy the spear or just resort to name-calling to hurt Lapetus's feelings by saying his weapon is a bitchy slut of a whoring cunt.

Of course he takes that tactic! Too bad Slade didn't say "Sister. Wife. Whore." Because then he would have been three for three!

How would any horrible comic book writer ever make it through a battle scene without using this tactic where the protagonist gets the stronger antagonist off his game by getting him angry? After seeing how well calling a female loved one of Lapetus's a whore worked, Slade doubles down and says she's ugly to boot! Although everybody knows that's not true! When has an ugly woman ever appeared in a comic book?!

Slade uses his God-Killer Sword to slice the Mighty Penetrator in two even though it's not called the Spear-Killer Sword. I guess it's okay since the spear was full of the essence of a Titan. So close enough.

Thanks to getting Lapetus angry, Deathstroke is able to kill him. That's why Deathstroke doesn't care about Rose and What's-His-Name. Because if he truly did instead of just acting like he does, he'd open himself up to somebody else using this blind rage tactic! He'd be mincemeat in no time! He'd probably battle Nightwing and Nightwing would be all, "I met Rose once. She's really a sweet and caring kid when you give her a chance. No way could she actually be your child." And then Slade would be all, "RRRARRRAAAAAGGGHGGHGHH!" Then Nightwing would be all, "I spent a lot of time fighting by the side of Joseph. Never met anybody who cared more about the feelings of other people than that kid. Joseph was great. Again, how is that your kid?" And Slade would be all, "Who is Joseph? What are you talking about?"

With Lapetus dead, everybody celebrates and claim Deathstroke is a hero! National Deathstroke Day becomes celebrated on "Paradise" Island for many years to come! Superman and Wonder Woman do not try to arrest him at all for his work as a hired assassin! I guess he's also killed 939 people now. Or should I include Lhemis the Spear? Yeah, probably! So Slade's kill count is now 940!

After the battle, the Gods have some paperwork left to deal with.

Please don't let Superman and Wonder Woman step in and stop this! Slade must die!

The Gods want one of Slade's children. Or Slade can sacrifice himself. But Slade decides that ripping out his right eye is enough of a sacrifice. He demands the gods "take it or leave it." And then the issue ends with a note about how next month he's going to battle Amanda Waller. So I guess the god's take the deal. Idiots. Hopefully they take the eye and his new youth and maybe his writer as well!

Deathstroke #10 Rating: No change. Deathstroke continues to be a character that only middle school males probably enjoy. The character has nothing to make him likeable accept rebellious brashness and bad-ass motherfuckery. If only he had a dark sense of humor, I could begin to like Slade Wilson again. Maybe give him a hint of vulnerability. Let him realize he isn't always going to come out on top. Let him get his ass handed to him every now and then by an actual hero. I realize this comic book isn't meant for me. But since I began this paragraph saying who it is meant for, everybody else should probably just avoid purchasing it. You should also avoid insulting the comic because middle school males are mean and heartless and not afraid of vitriolic, anonymous attacks.

Deathstroke Annual #1

Dammit, Diana! Deathstroke isn't pointing that way!

Remember when Kyle Higgins was writing Deathstroke fairly competently with at least some kind of story arc and a decent amount of motivation? It may not have been the best comic book DC was publishing at the beginning of The New 52 but it certainly wasn't bad enough to be handed off to Rob Liefeld and skullfucked for seven months. I know comic books don't have skulls but we, as human beings with skulls, can imagine how awful that must be and that amount of awful is what Liefeld ass-sprayed all over Deathstroke. Then Justin Jordan failed at making Deathstroke interesting. Deathstroke had an appearance in the Green Team which was possibly his best appearance since Higgins (possibly inclusive of Higgins as well but I don't want to shit all over Higgins decent enough attempt to write a villain as the main character of a monthly series). Deathstroke shined in that appearance most likely because that's where he should be relegated. I'm not sure he should have his own monthly title. At least not until somebody can figure out a plausible framework for how he continues to exist as a hitman in a world full of superpowered beings. If Wonder Woman read Deathstroke's Justice League file, why is she now working with him to save the world? Shouldn't he be locked up immediately? Or let's assume she needs his help (hardy har har)! At the end of this Annual, he needs to be in Belle Reve (and not as a member of the Suicide Squad! Blech!).

Even though Deathstroke #8 came out last week, this issue begins with a lot of Narration Boxing to make sure any readers who don't follow the monthly series know what's going on. Although do people still pick up annuals to test the waters on a monthly issue? My guess would be they don't since DC's annuals constantly just act as another issue in the series. It's confusing and stupid. At least label this comic book "Annual #1 aka Deathstroke 8.5".

This issue is called "Fifty Shades of Slade" because barf.

Iapetus (you know what? I refuse to be a party to ignorance by continuing to call the Titan "Lapetus"!) has reformed and he's ready to destroy everything! The world! The Universe! The Omniverse! All of the Panverses! Everything! So Wonder Woman has decided to team up with Deathstroke to stop him. Once again I feel the need to question Wonder Woman's thought process here. Why team up with a murdering psychopath when you can call the Justice League! If it's a psychopath you need on your team, Batman is always available!

Last issue, Wonder Woman insisted that it was too late to stop Iapetus from forming so she busied herself with kicking Deathstroke's ass. That was the slightest reason given as to why Wonder Woman was acting so out of character. But Iapetus destroys that notion immediately.

Whoops! I guess Diana could have stopped him before he reformed! But Deathstroke had to be lectured so I guess Diana's hands were tied.

Iapetus doesn't want to get his ass kicked immediately because this annual cost $4.99, so he uses his super magic better-than-god powers to send Diana and Slade to a fiery pit of fire and monsters and pits. He also takes away Wonder Woman's flight. The reader learns this when, immediately realizing they're in some kind of hell, Slade says to Diana, "Why don't you do that flying trick of yours?" You mean the flying trick where she flies? That trick? It's a good thing he asks her though or else readers would be thinking, as they read this, "Why doesn't Diana do that flying trick of hers?"

And just in case the reader missed that part about flying, it's brought up again on the next page immediately after it was brought up on the previous page.

Did Diana think Slade was going to say, "Some 'god' you turned out to bitch"?

I'm truly glad Tony S. Daniel got a chance to write Wonder Woman and correct the belief that she's a compassionate person with endless amounts of patience. This is the real Wonder Woman! She's a woman who threatens physical violence if anybody says anything that she disagrees with! Especially if what was said disrespects her.

Slade and Diana have the kind of comic book repartee that is often used to fill dozens and dozens of pages but isn't clever or interesting at all. It's just verbal sparring for the alpha position in their little duo. And as they bicker, dozens of monsters close in on them and wait for the bickering to end before they attack.

During the obligatory page full of gore, Deathstroke thinks, "Damn. She's as beautiful as she is deadly." Oh! What a sweetie! I bet Wonder Woman would be glad he noticed. He really should have said it out loud because I'm sure she'd love to hear how pretty she is! Can I get a variant edition of this comic book where we get to see Diana's thoughts? I bet she's thinking, "Damn! I wonder if his cock is as big as his sword?" Probably!

Oh wait! Deathstroke also thinks this bit that I must repeat for those of you who didn't waste $4.99 on this comic book: "This place may not look like reality but it sure as hell feels real." What a turn of phrase! It's like silky dark chocolate melting over my cerebral cortex. Literally. Because I think that would be really painful and unpleasant.

The demons all run away because an even bigger demon arrives on the scene. It's a good thing it arrived because otherwise Slade and Diana were going to die. I'm glad another monster saved their lives because the main character and the God of War were incapable of saving themselves. It really adds depth to their characters knowing they're fallible and incompetent to boot!

What does that mean?! Is Diana making a joke? Perhaps they've having two different conversations because the monster's roar is drowning out their voices?

I could kind of understand it if Slade had said, "What the hell is it?" Then Diana's statement sort of works as a kind of joke? Maybe? Anyway, it's got an asshole for a face so it's probably a really unpleasant creature. I hope we get a double splash page of shit-vomit!

Beyond the arse-faced beast, they spy a convenient portal back to Paradise Island. I guess Iapetus's magic is the kind that only works if you allow the victims a chance of overcoming it. But since Diana can't easily fly up to it, she and Slade jump off of a cliff to certain death instead.

Oh wait. Whatever.

At first I thought Deathstroke mentioned Butch and Sundance because they were jumping off of a cliff. But Butch and Sundance were jumping into a river. So then I realized Deathstroke must be alluding to the end of the movie where they **SPOILER WARNING** run out into a hail of gunfire and certain death. But Butch and Sundance didn't get lucky and learn how to fly so they could have escaped.

Also, how old do you think a person has to be to recognize a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid reference? Slade is old as dirt so I get him referencing it even if he looks young now. But shouldn't Wonder Woman be all, "Who and what now?"

After learning to fly (and holding hands for some inexplicable reason), Slade and Diana are sucked into different portals for Chapters Two and Three of the Annual.

Slade winds up in Istanbul where Hessia is waiting for him. Sitting across from them are Rose and Joseph as children. Slade still calls Joey "Jericho" because he's a horrible dad who doesn't actually remember what he named his son. Some terrorists or something have also arrived which means something or other. I guess Slade's love for his children will be tested while he murders dozens of people. You know another way to test the love of a parent? Ask them if they know their children's names!

Diana winds up in a demolished London where sickly Superman points to other figments of Diana's imagination and says, "Look at how they suffer because of you!" Diana's all, "Oh no! Because of me?! Oh my!" And Superman is all, "I'mma gonna quote Oppenheimer here who was quoting, like, the Bhagavad Gita or something." And Wonder Woman is all, "I'll kill you for saying things!" And when she stabs Superman, he disappears in a fart and she realizes it was all a dream! Then she falls back through a portal or something. I guess she learned her lesson! I think it was to not stab Superman when he says things.

Meanwhile Slade is confronted by his children. Well, by Rose anyway. I'm sure Joseph really, really wants to tell him his real name but Slade never bothered to learn sign language so Slade is all, "Stop making shadow puppets and talk to me!"

Oh yeah! I forgot Jericho was only mute during that last Liefeld story with Stillborn. Or was it a Team 7 story?

Diana is confronted by Hippolyta but she's too smart to be fooled by this cliche plot point where dead relatives accuse their family members of being horrible failures. Slade isn't smart enough though and allows his figments of his imagination children to kick the shit out of him. But Diana pulls them away and tells Slade that the only way they can get through this is if they fight together! How sweet! I suppose this moment will help her forgive him of the 938 people he's murdered.

And then Tony S. Daniel writes a page that if I had been given a choice to either read this page or let Tony S. Daniel piss in my mouth, I would have taken the piss. But it's too late for that choice now! I already read it. Now you can read it too! Sharing this with everybody feels like that first time I sent somebody to look at goat.se, way back when the internet was still young and innocent.

Firstly, you made it personal by taking out a contract to murder Iapetus. Secondly, he didn't want the fight! You brought the fight to him because you took a contract to murder him. Thirdly, I'm pretty sure Iapetus has already met mortality since he's the freaking god of it!

You know, after rereading that page, I'm actually glad nobody allowed me to choose a mouth full of piss because the page wasn't so hard to stomach. It wasn't good! But it wasn't swallow somebody else's pee bad!

Diana and Slade kill the arse-faced beast and manage to make it through the portal to Paradise Island just before it closes. Oh, was it closing? I should have guessed that since it's more dramatic that way! Whew! That was exciting!

Back on Paradise Island, Deathstroke gets to say his catchphrase!

Ha ha! This was my favorite moment of the comic book! It wasn't a difficult choice to make since it was between this or nothing.

Deathstroke Annual #1 Rating: This comic book is slightly better than getting poo flung in your eye. I should apologize for calling this Annual "Issue #8.5". It definitely stood on its own and as a regular reader of Deathstroke (you sickos), you wouldn't have to pick this up. You also probably shouldn't pick this up. Don't even touch it. If your comic book store allows you to bring in lighter fluid and matches though, you might consider burning the place down just so nobody else reads it. I'm trying to tell you it's not good!