Aquaman #2

I think I almost want to kiss Aquaman here.

The Review!
My first thought with Aquaman's first Rebirth story was that it was once again going to be more of the same with that idiot Black Manta. Kill, kill, murder, murder, kill, vengeance, murder. But what Dan Abnett takes the reader's expectation of what a Black Manta story is and turns it on its stupid, oval, big red eyed head. It's probably that I really wound up enjoying this story because it paralleled all of my feelings on the character of Black Manta. He has defined himself through vengeance which is never a good thing because what is there after that's done? It's not like he was also taking courses to be a structural engineer on his downtime. Although he somehow has access to great technology, so maybe engineering and electronics was his back-up plan? Aquaman once went through an intense and boring and really poorly written therapy session in a four issue mini-series in the eighties where he got a new costume printed with blue wavy lines. Now it's time for Black Manta's therapy session. I'm not sure Aquaman is qualified to give counseling but it seems to work out anyway. And since he says a lot of the stuff to Black Manta that I've been saying, I have to admit he's pretty good at! A surprisingly good read considering Aquaman's name is on the cover and it's yet another fucking Black Manta out to get even story!

The Commentary!
Black Manta and Aquaman have the most intimate relationship of any two characters in DC's universe. You don't kill somebody's father without feeling forever connected to that person, especially when that person also killed your father. It's like a pretzel of patricide. I wonder if Pretzel of Patricide is a position in the Kama Sutra?

Aquaman has moved on with his life because he killed Black Manta's dad after Black Manta killed Aquaman's dad. So Aquaman was all, "Case closed!" He then slapped his hands together, rubbed them for a bit, and then walked off imagining the closing credits. But he should have stuck around because their was a scene after the credits of Black Manta shaking his fist and screaming, "AAAAAAQQQQUUUUUUAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAANNNNN!" So now it's time for Aquaman 2: The Constant and Perpetual Return of Black Manta!

Last issue ended with Mera being harpooned in the chest, Spindrift Station being flooded, and Aquaman about to be murdered by Black Manta. Except that Black Manta's plan isn't to kill Aquaman, so that probably wasn't as tense a cliffhanger as it could have been. Black Manta wants to make Aquaman a laughingstock. Wait. Isn't Aquaman already a laughingstock?

This issue begins by reminding everybody that Black Manta's story of vengeance was once also the story of Arthur's vengeance. But once Arthur got vengeance, he moved on. He dropped Manta's dad's lifeless corpse to the deck of the ship and was all, "Well, we're all done here! Everything's square! Even Stephen! You agree, right?" But instead of Black Manta thinking, "Arthur killed my dad because I killed his dad! So now I need to kill his dad which I already did! So...oh! I get it! I should probably move on now, maybe get some therapy or something," Black Manta thought, "Arthur killed my dad for no reason! Ew! I'm going to kill his fiance! And maybe pee in his face!"

Black Manta has also decided to blow up the Atlantean Embassy.

He sure planted a lot of bombs in a little time!

With the building exploding around him and a harpoon sticking through his shoulder, Aquaman decides it's time to have a therapeutic talk with Manta.

Aquaman: "Have you ever considered this anger toward me has more to do with unresolved issues surrounding the relationship with your father?!"
Black Manta: "Of course I have unresolved issues about that! They might be resolvable if you hadn't killed him!"
Aquaman: "Oh yeah! But, um, this is stupid! You killed somebody I loved! I killed somebody you loved! It's like a mathematical equation! It's balanced on both sides of the murder!"
Black Manta: "I'll murder your face!"

I should hope so! That's a pretty huge mistake! "Ugh! If I knew you were going to be so angry and keep trying to kill me, I never would have done it!"

That revelation by Aquaman made me laugh out loud! I don't think that's the reaction Abnett was going for!

Black Manta responds to Aquaman's statement by saying, "Too late for remorse." Really, Manta? You took that as a try at showing remorse? It was so obviously just an expression of irritation with the consequences of killing your dad! Aquaman doesn't feel bad at all! He got his vengeance and now part of that is keeping you from getting yours!

On the next page, Aquaman assures Black Manta that he has no remorse for killing Manta's dad. What kind of therapy is this, Aquaman?! Piss Manta off until he has a breakthrough and falls crying into your arms?

I hope somebody called Amanda Waller during the fight.

After quite a bit of fighting and talking, Aquaman has Black Manta at the end of his trident. He points out that he can kill Black Manta to end the cycle and it would absolutely save lives. But Black Manta is all, "You kill me and you lose! Everybody sees you're a murderer! I win! If you don't kill me, I will eventually kill you! I win! I win all the ways!" Aquaman lowers his trident and begins to pout instead of pointing out that if he kills Black Manta, he will be able to rewrite history and spin the story to his advantage! Without Black Manta to dissent (because he's dead!), Aquaman can just tell the press that Manta was a maniac who killed Arthur's father and, for some reason, continued to harass and attack him. It's not anybody would ever know the truth since nobody knows Black Manta's identity! And they won't ever know it after Aquaman calls a few Great Whites in to devour all traces of him.

Instead, Aquaman hands Black Manta his trident and says all the things that I've been screaming at Black Manta for years!

Get your own damn life and motivations, you moron! Stop letting your father's death define you!

Black Manta finally has his breakthrough and collapses crying! Holy shit! Aquaman's therapy works! Aquaman apologizes for killing Black Manta's father and the scene ends. I imagine Aquaman is also going to have to apologize for having called Amanda Waller and sending Manta back to Belle Reve.

On his way to Belle Reve, Black Manta is freed by some woman with idiotic headgear with a leather fetish.

Aquaman Rebirth #1

No matter how many Rebirths Aquaman has to suffer through, he'll never be cool.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing Aquaman must be difficult! Whenever I try to write a story focusing on a character without any personality whatsoever, I usually wind up getting a call from my publisher saying, "This is unpublishable dreck. As usual." I think the "as usual" is a bit harsh and unneeded! But she usually continues with something like, "Make me interested in the lead character! Give me something to care about! Maybe write more than three double-spaced pages with large font." And yet DC somehow manages to keep selling Aquaman comic books! Maybe I should see if DC would like to publish some of my stories? Or maybe my publisher will identify with my main character if I remind the reader that the character is stoic! Let me try!

Stoically, Pete the Vampire Hunter thought, "Hmm, that is a werewolf. I hunt vampires! I guess I'll go home and stoically have some popcorn." Stoically, Pete, the stoic person, walked off as the werewolf mauled the children at the playground.

Wow! That's so much better! I'm going to send my publisher a query about Pete the Vampire Hunter immediately! I wonder if I should make a note that this Pete is not the same Pete from A Really Scary Story? Or maybe it is! This can be the sequel! A Really Scary Story Two! Or should I be extra cool and call it A Really Scary Story Too? Hopefully that wouldn't confuse Tumblr User discardvibes two much! Ha ha! That "two" was a joke and not me being stupid!

The issue begins by trying to impress the reader by claiming that Aquaman is the king of 97% of the global biosomething or other! Yeah, but it's all fish! Not that there's anything wrong with fish. But it's not like there's anything in the ocean as cute as a kitten or a raccoon! Maybe a baby dolphin with a pink ribbon on its head. But how many of those can there be? Even after I dropped all those pink ribbons into the Pacific, I doubt more than one of them came to rest on the head of a baby dolphin! No, Aquaman doesn't rule over anything cute. He rules over fish and feces-filled water! Big deal! Although if he can talk to dolphins and whales and get them to do whatever he wants, what's stopping him from commanding a kitten that has fallen off of a boat? They're all mammals! Why can he talk to some mammals as well as fish? Maybe that's not a super power! Maybe he just knows the language of dolphins and whales and manatees and asks them politely to help him. But fish he's got to be all, "Do the thing I want! DO IT! You stupid imbecile! Do it already!" Because fish have small brains! I know that because my publisher often calls me "a fish-brained moron."

I wonder if I should find a new publisher?

Mera has put on her old uniform while she plays the Penny-One to Aquaman's watery Batman. They're going after a group of oceanic terrorists who call themselves The Deluge.

Why does Aquaman think fish can help stop a typhoon or a seaquake? And why is he calling a boatload of refugees "migrants"? How insulting! I think. I mean, I want it to be insulting so I can act like I'm angry at Aquaman. Although it's his narrator that said those things! Wait a second. A narrator?! What kind of crap are you trying to pull, Rebirth?!

The Deluge want to blow up an East Coast city but Aquaman doesn't want an East Coast city blown up. He's recently made the cover of Time magazine and now he just wants his dessert. Although I don't know why he made the cover along with Superman and Wonder Woman. I guess Batman was busy. Or dead.

Next we get to the part of the Retcon or Rebirth or New Direction where the writer tells the reader explicitly to stop thinking Aquaman is a joke.

The Narrator sounds like they're trying to convince themselves!

I already countered the argument the Narrator is making here way back in my review of Aquaman #15! Here, I'll remind you of it by making you read it:

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn’t about Aquaman at all. It’s about one upping those other jerks that think they’re so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let’s face it. We all know he’s the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It’s about feeling superior. “You make fun of Aquaman because you just don’t get him. *snrt*”

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It’s in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! “Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?” Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

You know what else is the problem? Nobody has an obligation to write Aquaman as if the people of the DC Universe are the same kinds of assholes as the people of the comic book reading universe! The populace of the DCU doesn't have to believe Aquaman is a joke! You can make them believe he's a hero! If you don't want people laughing at him, don't write people laughing at him. And if you don't think the readers will accept that then you're already admitting defeat! You want Aquaman to be heroic and respected in the Rebirth Universe? Then don't acknowledge that he's a laughingstock! Just try to ignore that fact! Think of it this way. I have been reading New 52 Superman for five years and screaming, "Why does everybody hate him? Why are you writing a universe where everybody hates and mistrusts him?!" For five years and you ignored me that entire time! So why don't you do the same thing with all of the Aquaman haters? Let them scream into the void that Aquaman is a joke and he's not heroic and he's the stupidest member of the Justice League and not much thought went into creating him and he has no personality and he has sex with fish and his comic book never sells great no matter how long DC makes his hair or how hooky DC makes his hand! Just ignore them and pretend that Aquaman isn't a stupid joke!

I mean, I don't really care. I think it's funny that you've decided to kowtow to the Aquaman haters and acknowledge, within the DC Universe, that people make fun of him constantly. It's kind of a dick editorial move but whatever!

The point of all of this narration is to make sure the reader understands Aquaman. It's all, "He's stoic and exciting! Like a lighthouse! I mean, sure, a lighthouse is only exciting for the one, singular climb to the top and then you're all, 'That's it? Okay. I get it. That's a lighthouse. Never need to read another issue of that!'" And like a lighthouse, Aquaman makes sure boats don't wind up on land and cars don't wind up in the ocean! He's a true hero of both the land and the sea. But like a lighthouse, nobody likes him! They're all, "Well, I can see the point of it. But does it really need to shine that light all night? Annoying! Might as well hang some heavy duty wind-chimes off the side and piss everybody off!"

Yeah, but, come on! The dolphins and whales must talk to him, right?

The Narrator winds up being Black Manta so I guess I'm done being surprised about a narrator appearing in a comic book. I mean a third-person, omniscient narrator and not a character narrating the story to an imagined audience. I mean, the audience is made up of me and the other readers! But Black Manta doesn't know that! There's no reason he should be narrating this story if he's not explicating it to anybody! Anyway, Black Manta wants to kill Mera to make Aquaman feel bad and then he'll kill Aquaman after that. It's one of those dumb plans villains always rely on. Killing Mera will just make the Women in Refrigerators set mad! Oh, also it'll make Aquaman mad! And a mad Aquaman won't be as easy to kill. Plus, Black Manta, don't you think it's just time to call it even? You killed Arthur's dad; he killed your dad. Can't you just call the whole thing off?

Deathstroke #12

Why isn't Yosemite Sam currently the spokesperson for the NRA?

This is supposed to be the part of the day where I read the most recent Batman and Robin Eternal but since I didn't bother to leave the house at all today, I guess I'll read Deathstroke instead. It's a bit like reaching for your anal beads and accidentally grabbing a pineapple. That might not make a lot of sense to people who don't understand the pleasures of shoving anything at all in their ass but they shouldn't worry. Deathstroke doesn't make a lot of sense either. Currently he's invading Belle Reve so it seems like he actually cares about his daughter. It's a lot of work to fool readers into believing he's got any capacity at all for emotion so that they defend him whenever I point out he's actually a psychotic monster.

Tess: "Deathstroke is a psychopathic monster!"
Deathstroke Fan: "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU CUNT BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHARACTER OR AT LEAST THE STUFF ABOUT THE CHARACTER I LEARNED FROM THE TEEN TITANS CARTOON WHICH MAKES HIM MORE SYMPATHETIC THAN THE TIME HE WAS FUCKING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL!"
Tess: "That's a fair and reasoned imaginary point which I wrote myself to make my detractors sound completely mental."
Thirteen Year Old Boy Which Is A Synonym For 'Deathstroke Fan': "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT DEATHSTROKE AND WHILE I'M YELLING AT YOU CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I WOKE UP WITH STICKY SHEETS THIS MORNING?!"
Tess: "It means that one day soon, Deathstroke Fan, you will be able to appreciate Deathstroke as a character without needing to lie to yourself about how he's not a psychopath! What a magical time you're in for! Years and years of wondering why women look like they've just bitten into a lemon every time you try to talk to them."

I'm not usually for any kind of censorship or restrictions to the internet but I have an idea on how to make the overall online experience more satisfying for the majority of users: ban teenage boys from it completely. Just from the regular internet and only until they can pass a slightly modified version of the Voight-Kampff test. Until then, they must log onto the "Internet for Teenage Boys and Men Who Nobody Really Likes Very Much." I'm sure after the new internet regulations are instituted, we'll all discover who the next biggest assholes on the internet are and then we'll have to come for them while nobody stands up to stop us! I'm thinking it will be the Harry Potter fandom and people who obsess over their Myers–Briggs results. Although it will probably just wind up being teenage girls. It's really hard to tell who the second most horrible group on the internet is due to the intense and overwhelming awfulness of teenage boys.

How many Narration Boxes does this need to stop being a comic book and simply become an illustrated novel?

To nobody's surprise, the second and third pages of this comic book are a double splash page. It's essential to the plot since there's no other way Daniel, Bonny, and Kirkham could have portrayed the intense intenseness they needed to communicate through a large image of Black Manta and Deathstroke wrestling underwater. I'm not even sure that could fit on a single page!

This issue is called "Blood in the Water" because I guess Deathstroke has just been cut while in water? Is that now supposed to attract King Shark? Or is the title suggesting that the murder of Rose's girlfriend was meant to attract Deathstroke so that he could be tagged and studied? Maybe this entire issue will just be Black Manta and Deathstroke grappling under water while partially covered up by Narration Boxes full of all the interesting thoughts inside of Deathstroke's head? A scene or two of Harley saying something insane and adorable like "I'm having my period!" will help lighten the mood.

Grappling underwater partially covered by Narration Boxes full of Deathstroke's thoughts? Check!

Deathstroke manages to knock Black Manta out of the water so that he can finally climb out of the tank to take a breath. Although I get the feeling breathing is less important than delivering his cutting action star line of "Okay, A-hole. Now let's try this on my turf!" Chilling!

The story flashes back to before Deathstroke's assault on Belle Reve because Slade either needed an accomplice to help get Rose out of Belle Reve if she's even there or Tony and James had a genius idea to have Harley working with Slade. Because whoever he's hiring to help him is a mysterious woman in the shadows. You can see that she has boobs but her head isn't shown because the pony tails might give away the big twist. The reader does get to see that she has red nails on her right hand though and guess who else has the same fingernail polish?!

I'm want to declare right now that it isn't Harley because that would make no sense judging by the way Slade assaulted her last issue and the way she crossed her fingers behind her back when lying to him. Unless she does that whenever she's acting in front of Waller's security cameras because acting is inherently lying and Harley is superstitious about lying without crossing her fingers. I want to declare that but I can't because Tony S. Daniel helped plot this book.

Harley talking about her period? Check!

The careful reader will arrive at the panel above and think, "Wait. Didn't Deathstroke emerge from the water wielding two machetes? Why is he now armed with nunchucks?" The Deathstroke fan will arrive at the above panel and think, "FUCK YEAH THIS IS SO BADASS MOTHERFUCKER I'M SPRAYING CUM ALL OVER THE WALLS!"

On the next page of the battle, Deathstroke loses the nunchucks and he pulls his swords back out. I'm not a tactical genius and I've only ever pretended to read The Art of War when I needed to make a quote to bolster my side of an argument so I probably shouldn't critique Deathstroke on how often he switches his weapons in battle. I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Prison security breaks up the fight and Slade slips away with Harley to go find Waller. But to get to Waller, Slade has to deal with a bunch of bad guys who don't have super villain names. That's a good thing because that means they can die! So now he pulls out two handguns and blows them all away. Too bad he couldn't have done that to Black Manta and Deadshot! Stupid New 52 rules against killing members of the Suicide Squad.

Christ, Harley! Enough with the menstruation talk!

An inmate named Snakebite has kidnapped Waller. He's just a guy who forgot that Copperhead already existed so he's really not that big a deal. Wow. So you have a snake head instead of a human head! And it's not just a mask like Copperhead's was! Oh wait! Copperhead's snake head isn't a mask anymore either thanks to more of The New 52 rules which state, "No super power shall exist only in weapon form. It must be intrinsic to the character. As such, all anthropomorphic costumes must appear as an actual physical change to the character, e.g. Bronze Tiger and Copperhead." I'm pretty sure those were editorial mandates. So Snakebite is just a bit too late on the whole exciting Weresnake frontier.

A fleet of helicopters are heading toward Belle Reve so it's time for Slade to get the fuck out. Good thing he paid his accomplice to help out in this situation. And his accomplice? Catwoman. Poor, poor Catwoman. She couldn't resist the lure of a big bag of gold even though it meant appearing in another shitty comic book. I suppose she suffered through the Ann Nocenti years for free, so why not make a little coin by letting Tony S. Daniel and his sidekick James Bonny write her?

Wait? He forgot he hired her?

Deathstroke 12 Rating: No change. I suppose if you want to read about Deathstroke killing people and fighting other super villains to a draw, you might really enjoy this comic book. Or if you like Harley saying light-hearted things in the thick of intense action and drama, you might sort of enjoy this comic book. Or if you find yourself cheering at full page reveals of new character ideas which are really just copies of past characters with a different name, you might like at least one page in this comic book. If you're into stories that make sense and follow a linear plot and don't try to force Catwoman into the story by assuming she's just as good at breaking into a prison as she is at breaking into an art gallery or a museum, you're probably already avoiding this comic book at all costs. A good rule of thumb to follow is not to buy any comic books that have the name "Daniel" on the cover.

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19

Apparently Cheetah sprays when she gets scared.

Last issue ended with the Suicide Squad ambushing Superman and Wonder Woman in the Smallville Cemetary [sic (see Superman #4)]. I'm sort of hoping that they manage to kill Clark and put him out of his misery. This whole Truth, Justice, and the American Way story arc is the worst. It's even worse than George Perez's first arc in The New 52 Superman (an arc so bad that he abandoned it himself!).

Judging by the initial dialogue of the Squad members and the fact that Captain Boomerang is using actual boomerangs instead of energy boomerangs (plus he calls them "'rangs" which is just terrible), my guess is that this is a fake Suicide Squad! They're Doublegangers! Even Black Manta doesn't act like himself, standing back and not telling everybody else what to do. And why didn't Deadshot just snipe them from across the cemetary [sic]? Because he's a Doubleganger!

This is going to be a really short commentary because this fight with awful dialogue is taking up a lot of pages. Here's some of the worst stuff:

Ha ha! "But this is!" Classic Wonder Woman.

Can somebody run a brain scan on Peter Tomasi? This can't be the same guy who wrote all of those wonderful issues with Damian and Bruce and Alfred and Dick! I think there's something seriously wrong with him. It's either that or he feels the same way as I do about this shitty Superman story arc. Maybe he's rebelling against it by writing the worst comic books of his life! I can get behind that! Maybe I can enjoy this comic book by realizing that it's exactly as bad as Tomasi wants it to be. It's sabotage!

During the fight, Deadshot shoots up Clark with high-velocity, armor-piercing shells but he manages to take the assault in stride. So he's a lot more invulnerable than he'd like people to think. I have a feeling Superman is currently just strong enough to beat any enemy he needs to beat or just invulnerable enough to survive a battle he has to lose. It's so convenient when the audience has no idea just how much power Superman has lost recently.

The Suicide Squad is beaten and, lucky for them, Superman and Wonder Woman leave without taking them into custody for attempted murder. Why not just leave a bunch of dangerous super villains lying around in Smallville, right? I don't see any reason Superman would care! Nobody loves him anymore anyway. If those old bastards in front of the Barber Shop are murdered by Captain Boomerang seeking revenge for the beating, they probably deserve it.

After Wonder Woman pulls the bullets from Superman's body with her bare fingers, he tells her that he needs to go visit the White House.

I just don't fucking get it. Why is Superman tainted? What the hell happened? He'd better wind up blowing up an orphanage at the end of Superman #44!

As far as I can tell, everybody is angry with Superman for maintaining a secret identity. Are they all characters from Arrow? Their feelings are hurt because Superman lied to them? When did that become such a huge issue in stories? I guess that's how the second act break-up always happens in Rom-Coms, right? "You lied to me! I hate you!" But then they get back together by the third act because of some grand apology or romantic gesture. So is Superman going to have to make a mix tape for the people of Earth? Then will everything be alright?

Superman beats up the Secret Service and walks in on the president. Not in a rude way! He totally knocks and waits to be invited in and all! I bet it's not even the president. I bet Lex Luthor has been hired to take the president's place because he can best negotiate with/threaten Superman.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19 Rating: No change. The only reason I'm not giving this comic book a whole bunch of negative ratings which it deserves is because it's still better than Batman Loves Superman. But just barely! They can languish together at the bottom of the rankings. I spit on them!

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #7

How convenient that Harley Quinn blows up in such a way that I can still look down her top! Thanks, DC Comics! I wonder if the "DC" stands for Male Gaze? No wait. Those letters are different.

Welcome back, Kiddies! Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is getting shit ratings, so we're going to change up the program. Like how I just said "shit." You kids are old enough to learn that sometimes the world spreads its cheeks and releases a flood of stinking diarrhea right into your face and shouting out words that make old people's anal sphincters pucker is the only way to feel any better. You also have to learn that when the money isn't rolling in, heads are going to roll. So empty your little fucking pockets and ante up for Mister Fuzzy, you got it? Chimps and Mopps will pass around the collection sack and if they don't see at least a few coins fall, you're gonna spend a few minutes in the dunk tank, you hear? And don't think it's going to be a happy fuzzy warm funtime in there because Chimps has been using it as an outhouse for the past two weeks.

I bet you're wondering why our ratings are falling, aren't you, you little shits? Well, it's a problem with the human condition, you see? Philosophically, we all like to think we're intellectually superior to the next bastard. But in reality, we're all just walking around on the verge of either crying, mentally breaking down, or bringing ourselves to orgasm for one brief moment of respite from the endless awful bleakness of existence. Most people don't want other people to see them in these moments. Most people want to avoid feeling in such a way that brings them to these moments. And the best way to do this is to stay distracted. And the best way to stay distracted is to engage in the most popular forms of entertainment. And the most popular forms of entertainment are sex and violence, sometimes together (unless you're in Germany). And guess what Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad has been lacking for several issues? That's right, Kiddies! Sex and violence!

I admit, there has been a little violence. But not enough! We want to see a recognizable super villain get his or her head blown off, don't we Kids?! Um, Kids? Stop looking so terrified, you little shits. Fucking cheer when Mister Fuzzy's voice raises to an exultant, jubilant fevered pitch and he throws his arms up in the air! You fucking got that?!

How about we watch some fucking cartoons while Mister Fuzzy takes a smoke break?

See Mister Deadshot pull his pee-pee out of his pants? See how it flips and flops around no matter how lovingly he caresses it? Poor Mister Deadshot! Deathstroke emotionally castrated him a few issues ago and now his gun just doesn't fire at all.

Oh no! See how the animators of this cartoon decided to go for a racist joke? Look at how fervently they enjoy their racism! "See how poorly Mister Red Goldstar flies!" they say! "Look at how he cannot fly straight at all because he is Chinese," they say! Boo! Hiss! Nobody supports your racist jokes, animators! We are all looking down our noses at you because statistically young, white males are the worst flyers! Probably. If that fact is wrong, then maybe you should not be relying on a children's show for your facts, Chuck Einstein.

Let me tell you a little story about maybe how the stereotype that Chinese drivers are horrible drivers may possibly have come about. Some years ago, your old pal Mister Fuzzy was trying to find work overseas. The kinds of circus acts I'm into aren't always "legal" here in the states. But China has some less than rigorous safety regulations, if you know who to bribe. So I was in Shanghai and let me tell you, Kiddies, you ain't probably never seen so many Goddamned people in all your life. Cars, cars, and more cars just trying to get from Point Yī to Point B. And the people! Holy fuck all of the people walking and on bikes! Well, you'd better believe that any point on the street where cars, people, and bikes all wanted to cross was going to be a fucking clusterfuck nightmare. If you had no balls at all, Kiddies, you weren't fucking making it to wherever the hell you wanted to go. So what did the pedestrians do? They just looked straight ahead and fucking went for it. Cars stopped and would never fucking go unless they just looked straight ahead and just fucking went. When the pedestrians chickened out, the cars went for awhile. Eventually some brave bastard would step out in front of the cars and force them to stop. And those brave bastards never once tried to make eye contact with the drivers. You make eye contact to see if you can go, you've already lost your chance. So it's just a day long game of chicken, pedestrians and drivers, just fucking hoping to get a chance to go. Meanwhile, bicyclists everywhere just kept fucking ringing those Goddamned bike bells! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING!

Oh fuck you, Timmy! That wasn't meant to be racist, you little prick! That was the noise the fucking bells made! Yeah, you little creep? You know what your name is now, you shit? Timmy Dunktank! Let's hear it for little Timmy Dunktank, Kiddies! Clap you mother fuckers. Show Mister Dunktank some love as he's escorted to his new seat.

Let's get back to the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad now! Where the fuck were they?

See Black Manta drive the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad to one of China's biggest economical mistakes! "I am driving," says Black Manta. "The Chinese Superhero crashed into the ground," says Boomerang. "Do you think that is racist?" "Ouch! My knee is sore," says Reverse-Flash. "I am cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Being mentally ill is fun and funny!" says Harley Quinn and all of her fans fall instantly in love with her. "It is sad that she has changed costumes and is not being abused by The Joker," they say as they sigh in their pants and cry.

The Funtime Squad enters the brand new, never inhabited Chinese city of Metropolis. Yes, Kiddies! An exact replica of Superman's favorite city! I wonder what adventures they'll have here? Maybe The Parasite has decided to start living here and he will approach them and say, "I would like to be on the team because it looks like fun and it seems like, according to the roster I am looking at with my own eyes, it must be very safe because DC's editors will never give the go ahead to kill any of you!"

Ha ha! Look, Kiddies, look! Amanda Waller is eating food! "Mmm! I love to eat food! Maybe I will eat a lot of food and become fat!" says Amanda. "We hope so!" say her fans because they love fat Amanda Waller. But it is too late, fans. It is too late! Fat or skinny, Amanda Waller has already been ruined by making her a bad-ass fighter with many martial arts skills and gun skills and killing techniques known only by master ninjas who only pass on the secrets of their killing techniques just prior to being killed by their students practicing the techniques. Just because she is fat it does not make her the old Amanda Waller. That Amanda Waller garnered respect by being a strong willed, tough as nails, in your face leader. People feared her attitude and the hell she could put them through. This Amanda can kill and has. So when she says, "Jump high!", her followers say, "Please do not kill me!" That is not the same. That is very different.

Back in Chinese Metropolis, Red Goldstar finds the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad and attacks! Pow! Bang! Such action, right Kiddies?! Raise your hands if you think somebody is going to die! Oh, put your cute little fucking hands down, you idiots. Maybe the final Man-Bat will die but that hardly counts. Unless it's Kirk Langstrom, it's just a fucking red shirt. We want to see one of the officers go down this episode! And there ain't no fucking Tasha Yar in this group!

While most of the team runs from Red Goldstar, Man-Bat attacks him. Of course he does! But why should he? Do Men-Bat not have any sense of self-preservation? Kids, the best thing you can have is a sense of self-preservation. You know those romantic ideas movies and television feed you about jumping in the path of a speeding car to shove a loved one out of the way? Nonsense! Let them get hit! What good does saving them do when you're dead? You don't get the satisfaction of knowing they lived! And now they have to live the life you supposedly couldn't live without them. You just resigned them to the hell that supposedly you were avoiding by saving their life! See how that kind of makes you a dick? Just let them get hit and then you can live with the misery and guilt. They're better off that way!

"I am a subtle critique of American military personnel," says the Man-Bat! "I am completely delusional," confesses Black Manta. "Put another shrimp on the Barbie. It's Australian for beer, Mate! That's a knife," stereotypes Boomerang.

All the team members decide to have some heart to heart conversations. That's part of being an adult, Kiddies! You're supposed to act interested in other adults. "Hello! I am an adult. You seem to be an adult as well! What is your occupation? Oh, that sounds interesting. I have always wanted to try that. You must enjoy it very much. I am dying to talk about the things that interest me but that would look rude so I must finish asking about you before we can talk about me which will hold my interest much better than this boring bullshit about your stupid life."

Reverse-Flash angers Harley by asking about The Joker. Harley makes more stupid faces and says The Joker sucks. But she doesn't really think that at all. I have seen the way she masturbates thinking about Mister J. Haven't I? Wasn't that in the Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special? Was that my fanfic? Oh, I think it was. Do you want to hear my Harley Quinn masturbation fanfic, Kiddies?

What? Masturbation is where you manipulate your genitals until you reach orgasm. Women jerk off their clitoris. Men do the same thing but their clitoris is called a boner. It's all very messy and essentially unsatisfying. Don't get me wrong, Kiddies! It's more satisfying than sex with a partner. But still, it leaves one feeling empty, exhausted, and drained of Qi.

Oh, my fanfic! Thanks for reminding me, Sally.

"Harley Quinn sauntered dreamily down the corridor leading to the bathroom. She caught a glimpse of her evening lover as she abandoned her slippers haphazardly in the hall. "Oh, Mistah Showa Nozzle," she whispered, hooking her index fingers into her black and red cotton panties. "Oim jus' drippin' loike a seive fer ya!" Her panties dropped around her feet and she cupped her pudenda shyly, turning slightly so Mister Shower Nozzle couldn't get a decent look at her budding flower of fragrant womanhood. She slipped a finger between her engorged outer labia, sliding it slowly into and down along her love clam before pulling it back out. A long strand of love juice dangled from her finger and glinted in the light as she reached up to switch the shower head to pulse. "Oh, I am gonna show you such a good toime, Mista S!" Harley Quinn bent over to turn on the faucet, paused for a second to glance back and admire her full, pale buttocks in the bathroom mirror. "Oh, Mistah Soap on tha rope! Yer makin' me blush with that suggestion! Although my tender derriere longs fer it!" As she turned the faucet, she heard the familiar clanking and screaming and whining of the pipes and then one single blast of rusty, muddy water shot out of the faucet, splashing the pale white porcelain of her face and the tub. "Christ on a fucking Segway! Some plumba is about ta die!" Harley slipped her panties back on, marched into her bedroom, found her oversized mallet and went in search of a head to obliterate. As she slammed the front door, the shower nozzle, frustrated, quickly rubbed one out before falling asleep."

Stop crying, you stupid brats. That was fucking beautiful!

"See, Tess, see? Somebody died? Can you please go back to calling this comic book the Suicide Squad?" says the comic book formerly known as Suicide Squad. Tess glances down at his fingernails, carefully adjusts the gold threaded purple robe covering his muscular, naked body, and glances down from where he sits upon his ivory throne atop a pedestal of black onyx. He narrows his eyes and replies, "No."

Red Goldstar goes crazy after Man-Bat's head explodes in his face. Apparently he's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being born amidst the death of his siblings. Bah, get used to it, Red Goldstar. If you don't have traumatic stress from some previous life experience, you haven't been paying attention. Isn't that how that bumper sticker goes, kids? Kids? Why are you looking so shocked and horrified now?

Oh. Um, yeah. I guess Timmy Dunktank don't swim too well, does he? Somebody throw a blanket over the tank please? I still have quite a lot of comic book to get through yet and I can't do it with a bunch of mewling, crying kids distracting me.

Red Goldstar decides he doesn't want to be like Man-Bat or the rest of the Funtime Squad. He doesn't want to follow orders. He doesn't want to follow commands. He wants to be his own person. Yeah, yeah. Capitalism and Democracy are better than Communism and Communism. Hey, Sean Ryan? Next time you jerk off on me, can you try to not be so direct because I can't stand getting semen in my eyes. Okay? Thanks.

The Chinese Military open fire on Red Goldstar because they're told to kill and they don't have a conscience, apparently. So Red Goldstar gets blasted through the replica Daily Planet causing the Daily Planet world logo to plummet to the ground.

"Oh no! I am sure to die," says Harley Quinn. "Oh my! Aquaman is about to be smashed to pieces," gloats Black Manta. "Ha ha! Someone other than me is going to die," jokes Boomerang. "I am die!" dies Red Goldstar. "Good bye, Clown! You had a good run!" puns Reverse-Flash backwardly. "Gasp!" gasps the audience who believe that DC Comics is really willing to kill off their Cash Clown of Comics!

New Suicide Squad #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I've been giving this comic book a hard time. With good reason, of course! But I thought this issue was fun and Victor Sage wasn't in it just confusing everybody, so that was good. Amanda blowing up Man-Bat's head was completely out of character and just vicious and mean. That was Sean Ryan writing Amanda as servant to the plot as oppose to writing her to her character. Maybe she's going crazy from eating too much Pulled Pork. Here is a great opportunity for Sean Ryan though! Red Goldstar really needs to join the team for a few issues before he's killed spectacularly. Maybe if that happens, I might think about changing the name of the commentary back to Suicide Squad. Or at least sticking "Suicide" somewhere in "Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime."

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6

Welcome back, kids!

Have you been desperately violent and overly narcissistic since last time, girls and boys? I sure hope so! I hope whenever your parents speak about you it's through gritted teeth and a throbbing migraine! You can't look at them as providers or protectors, kids! You have to see them as the first obstacle! They're that first hill you have to climb, the first river you have to ford! They're the iron gates keeping you from attaining all of your silly, bullshit, self-serving desires! What have they ever truly offered you except threats and orders, obligations and expectations? And every time they force you to do some irrelevant task or mundane chore, they smile that shit-eating grin and drone, "It's for your own good." Bah! The sooner you're done with those rats, the better! Think about it! Eighteen years of your life under the roof of their prison. By the time you get those years back on your own, your life will be half over! Half of half your life spent doing what they want, coerced into being the person they want you to be! It's not worth it! Get away from those devils as soon as you can!

Unless you can't afford to purchase any Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad merchandise without their help. Then you'd probably better go apologize.

Where did we leave off last week, Kiddies?! I can't hear you? What was that? Oh yeah! Harley Quinn and the other characters that hardly matter were about to battle a bunch of Chinese mutant super heroes! Who's ready to see a Man-Bat explode?! Raise your hands! Oh yes. YES! So many tiny hands thrusting in the air seeking blood and flesh and eradication! Yes, my children! YES!

See Victor Sage come to terms with his role! "I am a mistake," says Victor Sage! "Yes, you are indeed a mistake," says the man that makes more money than Victor. "Good! That is settled then," sighs Victor thinking about his big fat unemployment check he will get for sitting around the house in his underwear and playing Call of Duty. "Yes, it is settled. You must try harder not to be a mistake," says the man drinking his whisky from a metal cup. "Shoot!" pouts Victor as he watches his daydream fly away on little angel wings. "Bye bye, good life! Bye bye!" Victor waves.

Look at Sean Ryan wasting the first page admitting to the readers that he's not going to back away from his mistake because it might seem like he didn't know what he was doing! But everybody reading already knows that he didn't know what he was doing by putting Victor Sage in charge of the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Never be afraid to just pour the gas, light the match, and walk away while everything burns, Kiddies! Don't waste time sticking with and defending your bad decisions! Don't think other people won't know how badly you messed up just because you won't admit that you made a mistake. They know! And now they know you're also a stubborn cuss that would rather go down with a sinking ship then admit they drove that boat straight into an iceberg. Don't compound stupidity like Sean Ryan is doing here. Was teaming up Sage with Waller a mistake? You bet it was! Is keeping him on because he doesn't want it to look like he was a mistake erasing the mistake? Fudge no!

No, no. We don't have any...look, this isn't a candy store, kid. Just sit still and look enthused for the camera when it pans across the audience, okay? If you want some fudge, beg it out of your parents later. You're sidetracking me, kid. Now sit still and just do what the cards that clown is holding up say, okay?

"Who puts a big red button that releases monsters right on a wall for anybody to hit it?" screams Harley making a dumb face. "It did not even have a plastic box with a lock on it like most offices have so that the cold people do not change the temperature of the office and so that the warm people do not also change the temperature of the office!" Black Manta makes a face that nobody can see because he is wearing a saucer on his head. "You should not go around hitting big, unlabeled buttons, Harley. Even in China!" he says helpfully.

Reverse-Flash runs slowly around the warehouse planting bombs when he should be running fast because that is the only thing he is good at. How do we know he's running slowly, kids? That's right! Because he's talking normally with Black Manta as he plants the bombs! If he were running fast, Black Manta would be saying, "Hunh? What is that weird Dopplery noise and where is it coming from?" instead of "I'm getting tired of excuses."

I bet that's another thing you kids are tired of hearing, isn't it?! How many times have your parents asked you why you were late or why you didn't get your chores done? And then when you give them an answer to the why, they say, "I am tired of excuses." If you did not want to know the answer to your "why" question, Parents, then why did you even bother asking it? Is the only acceptable answer to the question of "Why didn't you do your chores?", "Because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't respect you"? If so, why even bother asking the question. How about just saying, "I see you didn't do your chores. Please do them now and don't make me ask again or I will break your most favorite thing." I bet that would work!

See Reverse-Flash's knee explode? That is what happens when you put too much stress on a crappy machine like the human body. "Run fast, legs!" says Reverse-Flash! "We are running as fast as we can," say Reverse-Flash's legs. "POP!" says physics! And also, "Ha ha!"

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller tells her assistant, "The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is terrible!" And her assistant says, "Turn that frown upside down!" And then Waller says, "You are terrible!" And her assistant says, "Somebody has a case of the Mondays!" And Waller says, "You are the dumbest person on the planet." And then the assistant says, "Want a pulled pork sandwich?" And Amanda says, "Who doesn't?!" And they laugh and laugh and hug and become the best of friends over the most ubiquitous menu item in every gentrified neighborhood across this great, gentrified land!

Do you know what "gentrified" means, kids? It's a word that means rent is on the rise because the neighborhood is getting better due to an influx of outside cash and the need for upper middle class people to purchase lower value properties in neighborhoods with "personality!" And then the neighborhood gets even better and more expensive when the "personality" is priced out and must find a cheaper, dirtier, more dangerous part of the city to live in! It's a wonderful thing that brings many great features to a neighborhood! Like toy stores full of useless toys that don't have any points of articulation because they're actually art! And you'll never want for another DJ at your next block party because guess how many new DJs have just moved into the neighborhood?! Like a million!

Later, Victor Sage goes to a bar to cry in his beers.

"Why are there no women in this bar?" says Victor Sage. "I know all about you," says a strange person. "Oh no! That is against the rules," cries Victor Sage. "Not my rules! If you want to follow my rules, you should contact me at my job at Checkmate!" said the stranger. "Okay!" shouted Victor Sage and then added, "What are those holes in the bathroom stalls for?"

Back in China, a Chinese Superhero that is fully baked is about to wake up before the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad can plant all of the bombs! And Reverse-Flash hardly placed any of them because he was blabbing instead of working. And the other members saw Reverse-Flash dawdling and thought, "I am not going to do more work than he is!" So then they began dawdling even more than he was dawdling! That's what you get when you cut corners during the hiring process, Kiddies! You end up like Black Manta walking around the warehouse muttering to himself, "I can't flippin' place all these bombs all by my flippin' self, stupid lazy workers. Gosh darn it. Gotta finish the job so I guess I gotta do it myself. Boy are they all gonna get fired."

The Man-Bats return to lay down their lives so that Black Manta, Harley Quinn, Reverse-Flash, and Captain Boomerang can escape. The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad pays them back by blowing the explosives while most of the Man-Bats are still in the facilities. But don't think those deaths are going to get the name of this program changed back to Suicide Squad! Oh no! It's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad until somebody with a secret identity dies on a mission! Not some loser nobody shot up with Man-Bat serum.

The fully cooked Chinese Superhero with the red costume with gold stars on it survives the explosion which is probably too bad because that means the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad failed in their mission. Also, they're lives are now at risk as this Chinese Maniac goes after them to get revenge for his dead brothers and sisters and lumps of living flesh and monsters and freaks and mutated messes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I almost gave it a "no change" ranking but then I got to a double page splash of an explosion and it felt like a slap in the face. And nobody likes a slap in the face! Especially when it involves slapping money out of my wallet and into the bank account of DC Comics! The art in this thing is already terrible and then they waste two pages with a dumb explosion? Hmm, maybe I should be thanking them for saving me from two more pages of terrible art.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

New Suicide Squad #4

Look at Black Manta. So useless on this team. What was he thinking?!

I was thinking about starting a restaurant review magazine called "The Cook's Mother."

Or maybe I should open a hotel chain called "No Vacancy."

Unless I get my band back together: Closed For Renovations.

How about a tropical fish store called "Flush With Success"? No? Am I reaching now?

Anyway, remember how the Suicide Squad was in Russia doing some mission that didn't make any sense with a roster that was completely idiotic and two bosses that have been micromanaging them the whole time with contradictory instructions? I don't know how they're not all dead yet! Those Russians are horrible at stuff. They couldn't even nuke me while I was growing up! Failures!

I do!

I love when the comic book does all the work for me!

The only part of the job Victor Sage wanted was the part where he pushes a button and blows off the heads of villains that won't do everything he says. But that fat bitch Amanda Waller is hogging all the head blowing up fun! Sorry. I was in Vic Sage's head when I said that last line. What I meant was "that well-proportioned ambitious woman that gets shit done." And she gets shit done so well that she doesn't hardly ever have to blow people's heads off! I think Vic Sage is also a little bit pissed about that as well. What good is a Suicide Squad that makes it to Issue #4 without a single death? Ridiculous! It should be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad!

Deathstroke is currently torturing Deadshot for some reason. It can't be for information because Deadshot has all of the same information that Deathstroke has. So it must just be for fun. Even with two broken legs, cracked ribs, and a bunch of internal injuries, Deadshot is able to speak coherently and make fun of Deathstroke's handicap multiple times. I would question why Deadshot is mouthing off to one of the most dangerous people on Earth but I know that Deadshot has a death wish so I don't need to ask that question.

See? Just for fun. Also, oh ho! The Suicide Squad has a big secret! It can't be that they're all idiots because that's readily apparent to anybody paying any attention. I hope they're secretly magical elves that cook delicious cookies.

Black Manta and Harley Quinn break into the facility where Deadshot is being held because that's probably the entire plan. Why would Deathstroke turn on the Squad when he's already assured a huge paycheck from the United States Government? He's probably not going to go on any other missions after this anyway since he has his own hit book that will have readers everywhere scratching their heads in consternation when they realize they're not sure what's going on because Tony S. Daniel can't choreograph his own stories. Partly because his books are half splash pages and you can't tell a whole lot of story in a two page spread of Deathstroke leaping through the air with some random city's moonlit skyline behind him.

Harley has to rely on her skinny feet and tiny fists to take out the guards while Black Manta shoots them in the face with a gun. I guess it's funnier to kick and punch people into unconsciousness rather than to end their existence entirely. Although I don't think she learned that from The Joker.

Eventually Harley scavenges some guns from the unconscious guards and begins shooting people in the face as well. But first she distracts them with her vagina.

I was always taught to shoot people in the face with my legs crossed at the ankles.

Outgunned and outnumbered about fifty to two, Harley and Black Manta barely even break a sweat. Was that action scene enough to justify the cost of the comic book? I don't think it was but that's why I'm asking others. I usually like a little bit of plot and characterization to go along with my guns and vaginas.

Oh, I apologize! There is some characterization in the last panel of the battle: Black Manta shoots a harpoon out of his wrist! Oh, that Black Manta! What a silly bear!

Harley and Manta wade through dozens of corpses before they find where Deadshot is being held prisoner. And that's when another fight scene takes place: Black Manta versus Deathstroke. Is that really a fight though? Deathstroke has honed his skills battling the best assassins on Earth. He's jacked up with super powers and healing factors and godlike powers of agility and speed! And Black Manta? He's battled Aquaman a few times. And lost. So, you know, really. How is this a fight?

Deathstroke apparently lost his shins in the war.

Harley and Floyd have to come to Manta's rescue because of those things I pointed out before the picture (mostly the lost to Aquaman thing). Floyd shoots Deathstroke in the chest and Deathstroke falls over and hits his head and loses.

Hmm. After that outcome, I have a new theory! Deathstroke isn't actually Slade Wilson! He's just some guy dressed up like Slade Wilson trying to earn some extra cash. Compare what Deathstroke went through here where he barely hits his head and is out, and what he went through in New Deathstroke #1 where his brains were leaking out all over the place and he still walked fifty blocks to find a shaman to make him young again. Totally not the same guy!

Waller and Sage deal with their power struggle and Amanda wins. No surprise to anybody there. Amanda Waller is a fierce woman and the only person able to earn the respect of most of her team members even without the exploding collars. Sure, she never quite tamed Captain Boomerang although after that Lao thing they pulled on him, he straightened up pretty quick. Of course, he did have the pleasure of hitting Waller in the face with a pie. Such a genius!

That whole "Mystery Pie Thrower" subplot might have been one of the best Suicide Squad subplots ever!

I probably shouldn't be discussing Preboot history. It makes the kids restless and angsty.

See? I knew what I was doing when I called Amanda a bitch while channeling Vic earlier. Not that it's a surprise to anybody that he was thinking it. Everybody thinks it around Waller because they're all so fucking terrified of her.

The issue ends with some Russian getting an offer to be turned into the Sixty Million Rubles Man by a company named MARS Systems. As hooks go, it's not very well baited and kind of rusty and obviously being trolled by an amateur. Every fish continue to go about your business. Nothing exciting happening here.

New Suicide Squad #4 Ranking: I'm glad this first story arc is finished. As Waller said, it was complete chaos. The team was awful. Vic Sage added nothing to the group's dynamic. No real mission was accomplished. Or was it?! Deadshot pointed out the Squad was really something other than it seems to be! And guess what? We, the readers, don't get to fucking know about it yet! Fuck you, Sean Ryan. Nobody is going to be around to find out what your big twist is when you're dropping boring fucking hints like that. These first four issues show a writer that didn't plan shit and then dropped a few bombshell "revelations" (revelations in quotes because they're simply comic book revelations which are unformed plot points that can be used later once the writer figures out how to develop them) to make it feel like something happened. Maybe. I think he just picked the team and thought, "Joker's Daughter interacting with Harley Quinn? Deadshot and Deathstroke together? This story will write itself!" And then the stupid story didn't write itself at all. Anyway, let's forget this bullshit team, put a real team together that fits a real mission, set Sage to making copies, and come up with some exciting and interesting shit to read.

New Suicide Squad #3

I know DC Comics wants to sell lots and lots of issues of Suicide Squad, but Harley Quinn really shouldn't be on the team. Neither should The Joker's Daughter. Or Deathstroke. You know what? This whole roster sucks.

Last issue, Deathstroke was busy proving why he's the wrong man for a covert government black ops team. He's too skilled for government work. People will pay gross national product sums of money to hire him to kill and Deathstroke has no qualms about dropping a job to begin working for the next highest bidder. At least, he doesn't when he's not currently concerned about his reputation. You see, sometimes he's more concerned about how the assassin community views him than he is about money, and then he can't be bribed with a higher offer. But I don't think he gives a shit about the Suicide Squad. Besides, they're covert! Nobody knows he's working for them so nobody will know if he drops the ball and switches teams.

I don't even know why The Joker's Daughter was asked to join. I think because DC Comics realized she must have a fairly fanatical fan base seeing as how the Lenticular cover Villains Month issue of The Joker's Daughter sells for around $25 or more even though it's the worst written issue that came out that month. Holy shit is it garbage! It's just awful! I don't think I'll ever enjoy anything with The Joker's Daughter in it ever again simply because of that issue.

Harley is obviously on the team so the book actually sells. Deadshot is on the team because he's always on the fucking team. And Black Manta is on the team because the team needed a little diversity. He's certainly not on the team because they're going after sunken treasure or Aquaman's life.

Well, Black Manta, you're going to have to unless you think the corpse of The Joker's Daughter will be an effective teammate.

Is this match-up supposed to get me super excited? Even if The Joker's Daughter was my favorite character of all time and I was completely biased, I couldn't pick her to win this fight. She's just a fucking kid that ran away from home and shoved a rotting piece of flesh on her face. Harley has experience! She has anger issues! She has a reason to kick the shit out of this girl wearing her ex-boyfriend's face! The Joker's Daughter really should just shorten her name to The Joke.

Also, in that panel above, can you see that little box with the words you can't read? It explains that the Suicide Squad is a team of "incarcerated super-villains." Really? When has Deathstroke been incarcerated? When did The Joker's Daughter get put into juvenile detention? And what fucking super-powers does she have, anyway?! At least Harley seems to have the super-power of making cartoon violence look absolutely adorable. The Joker's Daughter is just a whiny asshole.

Now that The Joker is back in Batman, does he have a new face? I'm sure somebody in the DC Universe has the ability to grow him a new one in a lab. He should get Element Girl on his payroll to make new faces for him every week.

Harley Quinn and The Joker's Daughter continue to fight with each other as Vic Sage, Amanda Waller, and Black Manta bore the fuck out of me. None of this dialogue serves any purpose! Stop wasting my time, Sean Ryan! I have a feeling Ryan's entire pitch for the new Suicide Squad was this poorly thought out team and an idea that Vic Sage should be in charge. The Editors came in their pants over that idea and forgot to ask him if he had any ideas for a plot. Although he did make sure to have the most skeletal of plots ready to go: "The Squad invades Russia because, um, Putin! And Rocket Reds!"

Although, I have to admit that I enjoyed the resolution of the Harley vs. The Joker's Daughter fight (which Harley won, of course, by beating her senseless):

Harley was also helping herself get over The Joker by punching his face again and again and again.

The issue ends with the team searching for Deadshot who's busy being tortured for information about where the rest of his team have gone. Why would they think he knows that when they pulled him from a pile of rubble with a serious head injury? Plus, shouldn't they be more concerned about why these super-villains were stealing state secrets? Oh wait! They have Deathstroke to answer those questions for them now that they're paying him. Speaking of Deathstroke, he comes in to "torture" Floyd for the Russians. I put torture in quotation marks because we all know that Deathstroke was just pretending to work with the Russians to gather additional information (or to complete the real mission that none of the others knew about) and now he's actually going to "save" Floyd. I put save in quotation marks because he'll probably feel like torturing him at least a little bit.

New Suicide Squad #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. It really is mostly boring bullshit. I suppose Sean Ryan is still trying to come up with a reason why he stuck Vic Sage in command alongside Amanda Waller when she's been doing the job well for years. Although she did work alongside Frank Rock and some other teammates for a few issues back in the early Naughts. So far this book is sans plot just to make the clowns fight and to see the guys with "dead" and "death" in their names struggle for power. I'm pretty sure that was the whole premise of this crap.

New Suicide Squad #2

This looks like the cover to a DC Heroes Role Playing Game Module from the Eighties.

I don't think it's ever a good sign when a regular, $2.99 monthly comic book has seven creators listed on the cover. That says to me, "Deadlines were missed!" And then, from there, I extrapolate (that's this thing where you come up with an assumption based on a fact and, because every single person thinks they're a super intelligent, perceptive, intuitive genius, you believe the assumption just as strongly as you believe the fact. And even if your assumption is eventually proven wrong, it takes forever to get you to admit that you were wrong because admitting you're wrong means you are one step closer to being a mature adult and realizing you are actually a huge idiot and have been for your entire life. Why didn't anybody ever tell you?! How embarrassing!) that the art is going to be inconsistent and sloppy.

I should really tone down those lengthy parenthetical references! By the time the parentheses close, who can remember what the first half of the interrupted sentence was?!

At the end of last issue, the Rocket Reds had arrived in The New 52. They'll probably be bigger dicks than they were when they were first conceived because now they answer to Putin instead of Gorbachev. Also they're five stories tall. Unless that was just a misrepresentation by one of the dozens of artists working on the book.

I probably shouldn't exaggerate! One of the half dozen artists working on the book! That's better. I wouldn't want my position (that more artists make for a crappier comic book look) to seem weaker by trying to make it seem stronger through lying and manipulation! Sure, lying and manipulation can be a really effective way to sway the masses to your side! Right up until somebody points out that you're a liar and a manipulator. Although if you're a fair to middling liar and manipulator, that shouldn't stop you. Just lie and manipulate some more! The masses are pretty busy and they don't really have time to think about what they hear.

I knew two clowns were too many for this kitchen. That was an easy assumption to make because who even wants one clown in their kitchen?

Amanda Waller is trying to get some information from her team about the new Rocket Red Sentinel threat that suddenly cropped up. But why would they answer her questions? She's a jerko that's constantly threatening to blow their heads off. So Victor Sage begins asking questions but why would they answer him? They don't even know who he is or why he can't make a declarative statement or an exclamation.

Speaking of exclamations, can you believe the young children of my generation were taught that date rape was okay as long as you're good looking by that Schoolhouse Rock song about interjections? I'm not famous for my accuracy (or anything else) but the lyrics went something like this:

Geraldine played hard to get (unh unh hunh!)
But Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
Despite her objections
While Geraldine muttered some interjections!
"Hey! That's not fair! Giving a girl a shot down there!"
"Boo! He's running the wrong way!"
"Hey! You're kind of cute!" "Darn! That's the end!"

I usually change the lyrics to "He gave an infection with his meat injection" but decided to use the real lyrics since they're date rapey enough without my slimeball interference. Although, I admit, only one of the things she interjects is actually what she says: "You're kind of cute!" Which is why we learned that if you're good looking, women can't be serious about not wanting to have sex with you! They're obviously just playing hard to get!

This isn't the only song where Schoolhouse Rock shows its age. Singing happily about Manifest Destiny? Celebrating how the cotton gin made more money for plantation owners and the myth that it created less work for slaves as opposed to more work because more cotton needed to be harvested? Advocating communism by showing how the Lolly's ran their business by giving away all of the product free? Disgraceful!

Hopefully this lineup will change regularly. We need some cannon fodder on this team and none of these characters fit the bill.

I forget what the Squad's mission was last issue although I do remember it sounded like complete bullshit. So it probably doesn't matter that I've forgotten it. I'm sure the Squad finds it irritating that Sage and Waller are constantly jabbering at them via communicator while they're trying to work. The Squad doesn't need to be micromanaged! Okay, well, maybe they do but I find it annoying so I don't want them to be micromanaged. Just give them the mission and set them loose.

Deathstroke, being the smartest apple in the box of crayons, turns off his communicator when he gets an offer to work with the Russians. And that's why Deathstroke doesn't work well on a team! Besides the fact that he has a habit of killing off the members of his team so he doesn't have to work with a team, you also need to constantly pay him more money than the next guy. Eventually you're going to run up against a next guy with more money than you and you've lost him.

Oh look! I think Deathstroke found the next guy.

The rest of the Squad have fled to the subway where the Rocket Sentinels can't find them. Instead, a Russian military black ops team finds them. And pays the price, of course. The Squad might not work well together but they know how to kill and maim people to survive. The only thing the Squad underestimated was the Rocket Sentinels' lack of interest in maintaining Moscow's infrastructure.

How is the government going to pay for new streets and Deathstroke's salary? Stupid robots.

If I were a consultant being paid to help the Squad with their public image, the first advice I'd give would be for Deadshot to lose the four fucking pouches on his chest. You look like an idiot, Floyd. Knock it off. Also stop pretending to die at the end of an issue to create fake tension. Everybody knows that Deadshot always survives!

New Suicide Squad #2 Rating: No change. Most of this issue was Waller and Sage asking what was going on and Black Manta and Deadshot smarting off to them and refusing to answer their questions. The book would be better without the higher ups having to add their voices to the chaos of the mission. I would think, being that they don't want the super villain teams tied to the American government, radio silence would be rule number one. Waller and Sage should have three jobs: give the team the mission, drop them off, and then meet them at the extraction point. Between dropping them off and picking them up, they should just butt the fuck out. Let Manta lead instead of constantly asking him what's happening so that they can assess the situation and then tell Manta what to do. Trust your workers, jerkos! Oh! One other thing that Waller and Sage could do that would really make this book terrific: hire Condor for the next mission and get him killed!