Detective Comics #43

"The Ghost in the Machine." Thank you, half-Spanish brain which totally allows me to understand Spanish completely and infallibly.

Has anybody noticed how easily the Honey Bunny Bat Armor keeps getting taken out in every single comic book Commissioner Batman appears in? Over in Batgirl, it was shorted out and completely locked up. Earlier in this series, the knee joints were shot out and it locked up. I think over in Batman, somebody looked at it funny and it locked up. I'm beginning to think this entire Robot Batman Program is a huge boondoggle.

Oh yeah! And at the end of the last issue, the Honey Bunny Bat Armor? Completely locked up. So Commissioner Batman had to manually eject himself from the armor to beat up the bad guys with his old man fists. Probably not a great idea but then that's why it was a cliffhanger last month! See, ending an issue where Batman has the upper hand and he's about to kick the bad guy's ass doesn't constitute a cliffhanger. That's just a poor place to end the comic book. No, the main character's life must be threatened! Then the stupid, Pavlovian readers (meaning readers who torture dogs) flip out waiting to find out how Batman survives what is obviously a completely hopeless situation.

This issue begins with Bullock being more worried than the readers because we know there's no such thing as a completely hopeless situation! Even when Batman died in Issue #40, we all scoffed our cynical little scoffs and went back to our daily routine without a worried thought about Batman's eventual well being. Bullock, Montoya, and Yip rush in to rescue Commissioner Batman only to find that he's beaten up all the bad guys without any help from the Honey Bunny Bat Armor. He is a little bit out of breath though or else it wouldn't be very realistic. I mean, sure, realistic would be Commissioner Gordon's skull caved in and him trying to stutter out the name of his daughter as he seizes, strokes, and dies. But this is comic book realism! That means us morons who read it are willing to believe anything the writers write because we paid four fucking dollars to read it.

The detectives find that while Commissioner Batman was beating up a few of the Day of the Dead Fanatics, some others were stealing the power core out of the Honey Bunny Bat Armor.

Montoya is having an affair with this robot.

While everybody discusses what a dirty, dirty slut and/or cop Yip is, the Day of the Dead Fanatic turns the power core over to The Joker's Daughter. What does a fifteen year old psychopath need with a fusion reactor? Also how did the Gotham Police Department get their hands on a fusion reactor?

I apologize for calling The Joker's Daughter a psychopath. It's more like she's a whiny fucking teenaged brat who thought her parents were abusive assholes when they were simply trying to feed her and provide shelter for her. Also, I hate The Joker's Daughter because she has mostly been written by Ann Nocenti since The New 52 began. I'm not one to bash people for just trying to do their jobs so I won't remind everybody about how poorly Ann Nocenti has done hers. Suffice to say, The Joker's Daughter's characterization has been abysmal.

The Joker's Daughter and her scary faced friends are holding some guy hostage. I bet it's somebody close to Yip which is why she's selling out the Gotham Police! It's why Bullock, Montoya, and Commissioner Batman will have to fake Yip's death. Which would probably just get this guy killed but since this is comic book realism, he'll be okay.

Bullock confronts Yip about being dirty but she doesn't give him any reasons why she turned on them. Of course not! That would be too much information! Readers of comic books can't handle much information before they get so confused about the story from month to month that they stop caring about the comic book. Just look at Catwoman! There are like sixteen different relationships going on between sixteen different people. I have no idea who can trust who! Oh! Maybe that's the idea! The reader is supposed to be experiencing the same sense of uncertainty that Selina is feeling.

Here's a scene with the two most boring cops in Gotham City with some plot stuff I didn't bother to discuss.

After Bullock realizes everybody knows Yip is dirty, he asks Gordon if Gordon will help him kill Yip. He obviously means "help me make it look like Yip was killed so that Montoya, Alvarez, and Keyes get off my big fat ass about her." But he can't say that where the readers will read it or else the story loses all of its tension. But anybody reading this who thinks James Gordon is actually going to help kill a cop, dirty or otherwise, must be a Marvel fan and they're only reading this comic book to make fun of it.

Gordon goes home to take one Advil instead of eighteen of the other leading brands of pain relief while the Cirque de Sowhat drill commences without him. I bet the assassination attempt is going to happen during the drill, right?! Am I right? You'd tell me if I was right, right? The suspense is killing me! Maybe I'll skip ahead a few pages and see if I'm right!

No, no! If I skip too far, I might catch a glimpse of Brenden Fletcher's goofy mug and my whole night will be ruined.

The Day of the Dead Fanatics are being transported at the same time as the Circus Drill which really seems like poor timing considering how all of this stuff is kind of tied together. The transport is hit and the Day of the Dead guys escape so that they can go make their Falcone hit on somebody at the Circus. Meanwhile Commissioner Batman is forced to suit up again and investigate the prisoner's escape only to run into his lost power core. It's currently being used by a massive Honey Bunny Joker Bot. Surprise!

I suppose the Jokerbot is being controlled by The Joker's Daughter since she paid to have the core stolen. The real question is this: "Where did The Joker's Daughter get enough money to fund this massive robot project and to pay some of the best mercenaries in the business to steal the battery for the robot?" Maybe all of her followers busk eighteen hours a day to fund The Joker's Daughter's Giant Jokerbot Project?

Detective Comics #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't really know what to think about this comic book right now. I want to see more of Harvey Dent in action but the story here is moving at the slowest pace of any comic book I've ever read in my life! I think the appearance of the Jokerbot was supposed to make everybody reading forget how long it took to get to it. We're now three issues past the Sneak Peek comic in Convergence: Justice League #2 and the story still hasn't caught up to the story where Yip is killed by her teammates. It's definitely closer but I think I've completely lost interest in it. How about we all just forget it ever happened and pretend that only this Jokerbot plot matters from here on out. Deal?

Detective Comics #42

This cover is too artsy for me. And by "artsy," I mean "incomprehensible." And by "me," I mean stupid dumb idiot moron.

If Harvey Bullock is now the main character of Detective Comics, shouldn't Harvey Bullock be on the cover? Does DC Comics have an issue with putting fat slobs on the cover? Oh, don't get your twisters in a knick! I mean Harvey is both fat and a slob not that all fat people are slobs. I suppose if Harvey were on the cover, some people might pick this comic book up thinking it's the new issue of Section Eight.

Last issue ended with Montoya, Yip, and Bullock rushing off to save Commissioner Batman's ass. Only one of those three officers to the rescue do not currently have cum dripping down the inside of their leg.

Commissioner Batman is having trouble battling bad guys in skeleton costumes with automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades. Such an amateur. He's going to have a new found respect for Batman when Batman comes back. Maybe that's Batman's plan! The Gotham Police will see firsthand just how super duper expensive it can be to battle the real threats to Gotham City. When he finally returns, they'll be all, "Oh yeah, buddy! You can go back to being a vigilante as long as you pick up the tab. Mad respect for however you please Bruce Wayne on a regular basis to convince him to pay for all the battle gear you blow up each week and all the explosives (non-lethal, of course!) you use! You must be real nice to him, right? Wink wink! Nudge nudge. Coughhomocough." I imagine Gotham Cops aren't very subtle and spend most of their time either calling another cop gay or protesting that they're not gay after another cop called them gay.

The skeleton gang fail to kill Commissioner Batman (which it seems was the whole point of the attack) but they do put the Honey Bunny Bat Armor out of commission by shooting out its knee joints. So for the cost of two bullets, Commissioner Batman's armor needs to go back to the shop for what will probably be millions of dollars in repairs. I think the Skeleton Gang wins this round.

Since returning to the Gotham Police Department, Renee Montoya has noticed that there are an awful lot of dirty cops.

I wonder what impressed Yip the most about Bullock? His gruff, no-nonsense attitude, or the smell of the litter box in the middle of his studio apartment?

Later that night, Jim Gordon stops by to pout. "Nobody likes me," he says. "They all think I'm stupid," he says. "They're all laughing at me," he says. "If Batman comes back, he's going to kick my ass for turning him into a laughingstock," he says. All of those things are true, especially the last one. Bullock just listens and drinks his beers and says, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman?"

The backup Batman team of Yip, Montoya, and Bullock stand around waiting for Commissioner Batman to fuck up so they can swoop in and delay the bad guys until Alvarez and Keyes show up. Yip goes off to get some coffee and hops immediately on the phone. Bullock says to Renee, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman? And I never get to do that so could you check on this number that keeps calling her cell phone because I don't want somebody else fucking Yip because then she might stop letting me fuck her." And Renee is all, "You realize how Yip is always the object of the sentence when you talk about the two of you fucking, right? You know she's also fucking you, right? The only difference is she'd probably never tell anybody about it." So now Renee is going to find out that Yip is in contact with cop killers!

The Skeleton Crew ambush Commissioner Batman and short circuit his suit. So he gets out of his suit to fight them hand to hand. It's a good thing the armor release mechanism is manually activated! Or a bad thing because Jim is probably going to get his ass kicked next issue.

Detective Comics #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like the interactions between Montoya and Bullock but they're too short and not often enough. Like last issue, it didn't feel like there was really a lot going on. The "Yip is a Dirty Rat Cop" plot continues to slowly slouch toward the story that was already told in the Sneak Peek. I have a feeling the whole point of the Sneak Peek was to make the reader think the other cops discover Yip's dirty secret and are forced to kill her on duty to make it look like an accident. But it has to be misdirection or else it means almost nothing except to make these current issues of Detective Comics without tension. So the Backup Batcrew will probably discover Yip is betraying the Gotham Police but they'll find out that she's being extorted or blackmailed. Whatever the case, it'll be against her will. And the only way to get the bad guys off of her case is to fake her own death. Aside from the Sneak Peek kind of ruining the pacing of Detective Comics if what it portrayed was true (and even if it is a fake death scene, Detective Comics is currently a kind of boring slog (except for Harvey and Renee!)), it's also impossible to believe that Harvey, Renee, and Jim would murder a fellow cop. And that being the case, there's just no tension in this whole "Yip is Dirty" plot. And I don't mean she's dirty because she's banging Harvey! Oh!

Detective Comics #41

Insert toothy blowjob joke here.

Detective Comics has become a comic book about Harvey Bullock which I am completely for. Batman starring Jim Gordon doesn't work because Jim Gordon is not Batman nor has he put in the time to be Batman. I get that Batman #41 was basically Snyder's essay trying to convince the reader to buy into it. But I'm stubbornly not going to. But this comic book is called Detective Comics and Harvey Bullock is a detective so it's okay for Harvey to be the star of this comic book. Rules. I just love rules! If you're reading my Detective Comic book reviews in order and you just read the Endgame issue, just ignore everything I said in that one about how I love anarchy because today I'm into rules! The more rules the better! Especially if the main punishment for breaking rules is spanking.

This issue begins with Harvey about to have sex while Commissioner Batman battles a guy in a Halloween skeleton costume. At least I think it's Harvey! He's got a bit of a gut and stubble and he's going on a bit about how crazy it is that he's about to have sex with a dead woman. Or a supposedly dead woman because the woman must be Yip. Who else is currently interested in Harvey Bullock? Who else has ever been interested in Harvey Bullock?! He's a slob!

Don't worry! This is sex from the guy's point of view so the comic didn't get a Teen Plus rating.

Commissioner Batman blows up and apparently Harvey does too because he turns on the light and tells Yip their date is over. That's when the comic book flashes back to three weeks ago so readers can get caught up on why Yip would let Harvey put his Bullock in her Nancy.

Three weeks ago Commissioner Maggie Sawyer asked Harvey Bullock to lead the Commissioner Batman team. But Harvey doesn't want to play second fiddle to a guy playing a huge armored fiddle with bunny rabbit ears. Unless that armored fiddle player is Jim Gordon, of course. But Jim has yet to agree to be Commissioner Batman. I guess, three weeks ago, Jim was still on leave after the whole killing two hundred civilians in the line of duty fiasco. Until Jim returns, Harvey wants to keep searching for the real Batman but Commissioner Maggie won't let him. So Harvey goes back to his old job where he pouts, eats danishes, and grumbles a lot.

Two weeks ago, Maggie is pressing Jim to find out if he's decided to be Commissioner Batman yet. The suspense is killing me! Will he accept?! Won't he?! Oh wait. I already read Batman #41 and the first few pages of this comic which reveal that he will eventually accept. Also the Sneak Peeks of Batman and Detective Comics spoiled it. I guess it isn't supposed to be a tense moment at all. Which means what? This is just filler?!

One week ago, Bullock starts a brawl between some bikers and some off-duty cops in a "cop bar." Fuck you with the "cop bar" and keeping non-cops out of it. If I were the owner, I'd...well, since the owner is probably a retired cop, I'd probably allow the cops to run off all of the other customers. Montoya is there as well. Doesn't that lesbian know this is a cop bar?!

I think Montoya eating tacos is a lesbian joke in bad taste? Or is that my bad taste just coloring an innocent taco eating scene?

I hope no civilians come along and try to order tacos off of that Cop Taco Truck!

Zero weeks ago, Harvey and Renee and Yip have all been assigned to Team Batman. They're arrived at the big Commissioner Batman Versus Skeleton Man fight and it's time to end this comic book somehow. I'm not even sure what it's been about so far! Convincing Bullock to be part of the team? Reintroducing Renee Montoya to The New 52? Sorry! To the DCyou? Getting Yip reinstated after shooting that Anarky kid? Oh! That's what it's been about! Forming a team. I guess the final beat will be something about trust or what's gonna work?

Um, teamwork! Teamwork is gonna work!

The final page returns to one week ago so that Renee can reveal to Harvey that Jim will be Batman. The reader is also allowed to overhear a phone call to Yip from somebody telling her to kill them all. I guess that's why Yip has to be "killed" in the Sneak Peek. Because somebody has their hooks in here. But I'm sure by faking her death in the Sneak Peek, it'll allow her to be free of whoever is blackmailing her to kill cops. Probably. Or maybe Harvey, just like every other character in DC Comics, isn't allowed to be in a relationship for very long. He had sex with Yip and that's enough, Harvey. You know what happens next. Somebody get another fridge!

Detective Comics #41 Rating: No change. Nothing really happened in this issue. The Sneak Peek turned this issue into preamble and most of it was preamble that wasn't even needed. I wish Gouverneur Morris had written this preamble! Then it probably would have concentrated on the sex between Harvey and Yip which would have been more exciting than twenty pages of Harvey Bullock refusing to be on Team Batman.

Convergence: Justice League #2

That's not a sea cucumber! It's a space station!

I have an issue with the way men are being portrayed in Convergence. In Convergence: Superman, El, the Flashpoint version of Superman, was in love with Lois Lane. So when he finds out that another woman who isn't the woman he was in love with but looks just like her exists, he kidnaps her because he loves her. Lois rejects him because she's in love with the Clark Kent she knows, not every person in the multiverse that looks like Clark Kent. In Convergence: Justice League, Flashpoint Aquaman notices another woman that looks like his dead Mera, so he kidnaps her because obviously men only love a woman for their looks. Who cares about her personality?! Mera rejects him like a normal person would reject somebody that steals you and immediately begins acting like they're your intimate partner of many years, even if they look exactly like the intimate partner you've had for many years.

I suppose women fall in love with the entire person and men only fall in love with the image of a person, right DC Comics?!

Oh wait. When I state it like that, it totally makes sense! You're right! Men are just shallow douchebags who aren't in touch with their feelings because they're so in touch with their cocks and where they're going to stick they're cocks. And when a man sees a place where he was allowed to stick his cock for years and years, he just figures he can go right back to sticking his cock in that place. Now that DC Comics helped me realize this, I'm now going to be unnerved by every movie and television show I watch with a male lead (which, let's face it, is pretty much all of them).

I'm sure my reading of the previously mentioned comics could be kinder but since one was written by Dan Jurgens who is a robot created in the Eighties with no input devices and no way to retrieve new, non-1980s information and the other was written by Frank Tieri who seems to get pulled off the bench by DC Comics to pinch write shitty comics for even shittier writers that have ruined the title they've been working on, I don't think they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of television shows with male leads, I have no really cogent thoughts about the finale of Mad Men but I did want to comment on it. So if you haven't seen the finale (or the show at all), just skip to the first scanned picture where the real Convergence: Justice League #2 will begin. No, seriously. Just skip the rest of this. I don't want to be the one to spoil anything about one of the greatest television experiences of the decade.

So after watching the finale on Tuesday, I made a few comments to the Non-Certified Spouse, walked into the bathroom, shut the door, put the lid down on the toilet, sat down, and fucking bawled. Being that I'm apparently written like a male character in DC Comics, I'm not quite sure what affected me to that degree. I believe (but am still not entirely sure) that it was the moment in which the plain guy tells his story about being an item in a refrigerator which touches Don who then gets up to hug him. I wasn't touched simply because of the scene and the way it was played. I was touched because the man was symbolically Matthew Weiner speaking directly to his character, Don Draper. He was saying goodbye to him while also speaking the words that he couldn't put into Don Draper's mouth because Don would never say them. They were Matthew's insecurities and fears which meant they were also instilled into Don. It was a redemptive moment for both Don and Matthew and it may have been the most brilliant version of the writer putting himself into a show that I've seen. That was what broke me. Although it's possible that I was more emotionally attached to that Coke commercial than I previously believed.

Shall we discuss the Coke commercial ending? And by we, I mean me, and by discuss, I mean monologue? I'm a cynical person. I'm not cynical to the point of deconstructing everything simply because I like watching buildings blow up helter-skelter. I believe that, just like blowing up a building, deconstructing a work takes care, experience, and intelligence if you don't want to hurt a lot of people in the process. Anybody can stick dynamite on a building and destroy it. Not everyone can bring it down safely and elegantly. The internet is full of Crazy Harrys running into a fandom and pushing the plunger on their detonator. Anybody can find any flaw they're looking for in any work of art when they're projecting their own issues onto everything they encounter. So I'm cynical but I don't want to be; I just feel it's necessary. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. Some people would say, "Just believe" (and one once did at the Portland Brewfest one year when I was wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt). But that's the point of the shirt. Some people want to believe but they want the truth more than they want to fulfill their own fantastic desires. So when the Coke commercial came on at the end of Mad Men, I had to ask the question: were we seeing an actual, life-changing moment for Don Draper where he's come to a more enlightened, comfortable place, or was this just the same old Don Draper going full tilt until the idea for the commercial grabbed him by the throat and he knew he had the pitch? Was this a cynical ending or a romantic one? Did he go back to McCann a new man, transformed and with a new understanding of what people really need, wanting to bring the communal, enlightened vision he had to the world? Or did he go back to shoot a commercial co-opting the peace, love, and spirituality movement he experienced while in California simply to sell soda pop? Remember, it's all about the work! Everything is about the work!

I know what I believe. Matthew Weiner wrote a television series for seven years simply to say this: "That fucking Coke commercial was bullshit propaganda and you all fell for it, suckers! These are the people that created it! Here are your 'Teach the World to Sing' gurus, bitches! The moment your movement was sanitized to sell Coke, it was over. You fucking lost, hippies! Culture is grist for the advertising world and what matters to you now will soon be used to sell you bullshit crap nobody needs. Enjoy life! Enjoy Coke! Smile!"

What works every time? Distracting military submarines with your boobs and butt so that they blow each other up?

The Justice League is currently battling Flashpoint Atlanteans off the coast of Gotham because their friend Mera was kidnapped by Flashpoint Aquaman. I explained why earlier: it's because he used to put his cock in a Mera-shaped person, so why wouldn't this person shaped like his previous cock-receptacle not want to be the new Aquaman cock-receptacle?

Now that Jesse Quick has taken out the Atlantean warships, the Justice League has to battle an army of sea turtles and underwater men with spears. I don't know what the Vegas odds are but please put all of my money on the speedster, Kryptonian, green light spectrum wielder, and magic woman. Although I have heard that slow and steady wins the race? Hmm.

Is it just me being sexist or does the "witty banter" by this group of friends just sound catty and mean? See how I used "catty" there? That indicates there is a high probability that I'm being sexist! And let's face it: a lot of that old Blue and Gold banter Giffen and DeMatteis used to write? It was fucking mean-spirited shit that rarely came across as fun loving shenanigans! How did Ted and Michael stay friends for so long?!

Of course Supergirl wants to punch Aquaman in the face! That's Supergirl's go-to greeting! And besides, who wouldn't want to punch Aquaman in the face?!

Mera sulks in captivity trying to convince Flashpoint Vulko that Aquaman is a kidnapper and will probably soon be a rapist and that maybe he should do something about preventing that from happening? What is wrong with Mera? She should have her hands around Vulko's throat and squeezing the life out of him while she drowns the Atlantean Guards with their own saliva! Where's the Mera I know from The New 52? She's smarter, more powerful, and has a better ass than all of the Atlanteans put together! Was that sexist? I did throw in the "smarter" thing!

Outside of Aquaman's undersea headquarters, Jade battles with Ocean Master. She's surprised, after knocking off his helmet, to find that it's not Aquaman at all. Jade needs to spend more time boning up on her super villain flash cards. I suppose Ocean Master isn't an opponent anybody except Aquaman ever faces off against so I can't blame Jade for not recognizing him. And she truly doesn't. She just notices he's not Aquaman and says, "You're not Aquaman. You're..." and then she can't come up with his name. So he has to say, "Ocean Master!" Poor guy must feel like a loser right about now. I mean more than usual.

Vixen infiltrates Aquaman's Wifely Prison by using the powers of whatever sea creature allows her to sneak aboard, steal a uniform, and find her way to Mera in an unfamiliar place. A cuttlefish, maybe? But it doesn't matter because while she's wasting time hugging Mera, Aquaman sneaks up behind her and knocks her unconscious.

Or maybe she's just knocked down because after a brief break in the scene to show Supergirl, Zatanna, and Jesse trading barbs and battling lobsters, Vixen channels the power of an electric eel and zaps the fuck out of Aquaman.

Who...? Oh! I get it! He's being a rhetorical smartass!

I bet Vixen just stops channeling sea creatures and kicks him in the balls simply by channeling girl power!

No, that would be too empowering. Instead Aquaman makes her pick up a gun and shoot herself in the face. She's not dead but apparently she's going to be disfigured in some way. Hopefully an animal exists that can cure scar tissue or Vixen's modeling career is headed down a new and exciting path for a veil company.

That wasn't a comment about me saying she can't be a model with a horrible scar stretching across her face and one eyeball hanging out! That was me commenting on the state of the modeling industry and how they would never allow her back! It was a dig at big business and the Patriarchy! I would totally jerk off to a model with a scar on her face and an eyeball hanging out of her head! I'm not sexist!

Mera, still all meek and non-violent, submits to Aquaman's authority when he shows her that his men have caught Jesse Quick and Zatanna and Jade and Supergirl's cape.

Whoops! I guess the cape wasn't enough!

After Supergirl crashes through the window, water doesn't come rushing in. I guess that means the interior of the headquarters is also filled with water. Maybe that's why Vixen couldn't stop channeling sea creatures. Although she had to hold her breath while she was channeling dolphins and whales. Hopefully she can still channel whatever she was channeling while unconscious and bleeding out of her face. Still, none of that explains why Jesse Quick was taken into captivity without her Infinite Oxygen Forever Facemask (probably courtesy of Waynetech).

Supergirl beats the shit out of Aquaman until he activates his Kryptonite Trident. But Mera stops him before he stabs Supergirl with it. She stops him by pressing her boobs against his chest and calling him "my love" and kissing him right on his filthy fish lips. Because that's where Mera's power lies! It was hidden all this time underneath her clothing! Using her Super Hot Body Superpower, she gets close to the idiot man who has no brain and thinks only about things his cock will fit inside of. And then she stabs him!

After stabbing him, Mera and Supergirl and Vixen swim out of Aquaman's headquarters unmolested. I guess Vixen is pretty much okay? Just a slight graze wound across a cheek or something? Her face is never shown again after she was forced by Aquaman to shoot herself in it. Aquaman is just left to bleed out on his throne. I guess once a king is stabbed in the stomach, everybody he commands instantly stops respecting all of his orders and they simply disappear. And I guess Mera is playing by Batman's Rules of Killing here. Mera may have stabbed Flashpoint Aquaman and walked away knowing that he was dying but it's not her fault if he is eaten by sharks, right? And it's his fault for not having a royal surgeon on hand. Or knowing how to sew up his own wounds.

Convergence: Justice League #2 Rating: This issue wasn't good. It was as not good as the first issue. But it was the first issue to actually fulfill the Convergence Contract! The Justice League was told they would battle somebody to the death and that's what they did! Although I doubt even Flashpoint Aquaman is going to die here. Although if the Big Convergence Change (that's what I'll be calling the twist ending that changes up these old universes in a new way which seems to be happening in every one of these Convergence Minis) was that Mari now has a scar on her face, I'm big time disappointed. I said BIG TIME! That's no marriage or baby or resurrected child or redeemed Two-face! It's hardly a blip at all on the Change Radar! And it's also sexist bullshit! Probably! I think it's always safe for me to call something sexist bullshit!

Divergence: Detective Comics
"Following the events of 'Endgame,' get ready to ride with the GCPD in a whole new city -- inhabited by a whole new Batman!"

Oh boy! A whole new Batman! That's just what the fans have not been demanding! I can't wait.

The Sneak Peek begins with Harvey talking to a shadowy figure putting on some crazy armor. One of the things I was hoping Manapul and Buccellato would do was to continue to concentrate on Harvey Bullock in Detective Comics. He's a detective, right?! And a great character if you're into fat guys that smoke and eat a lot and wear hats! Also he's got the kind of personality that can really carry a comic book titled Detective Comics. I'm so pro-Harvey Bullock that I have a really gay boner right now.

Yip is still his partner but there's a new character in town that has yet to be seen in The New 52 (I think!): Renee Montoya! She's back and she's coming between Yip and Harvey like a sexy thing that comes! Now I'm picturing naked, anthropomorphic foxes with huge boners for some reason. Thanks a lot, Deviant Art! You've ruined the sexy part of my brain!

The van the three of them are riding in has a big bat symbol on the front. They're chasing a giant of some kind when it tries to smash them with a fist. The van flips end over end but is caught by an armored Batman. I guess the GCPD now has a Bat Division!

What the fuck. What the fuckity fucking fuck did I just read? Fucking Manapul. Fucking Buccellato. Holy shit. Detective Comics is going to be fucked up and possibly quite awesome.

Um, anyway, after the van flips, Yip is trapped in the back. Renee begins interrogating her with her gun out trying to get her to name names. But Harvey pulls her away and lights the fucking gas pooling around the van, blowing his partner (and only potential romantic interest ever) into smithereens. Maybe. Probably. Shit. Jesus Christ.

And if you don't feel shocked and freaked out enough, there's a panel with a crying pigeon that's also on fire. I think that needs to be my new header.

And then the last page is the start of this fucked up travesty. I mean that in a super good way.

I don't know who big armored Jim Batman actually is.

Detective Comics #40

Now I want a Keanu Reeves Batman.

When I went to see The Matrix, I was sitting close to a woman who began to cry during the scene where Keanu in his trench coat raids the skyscraper and blows everybody away with his stash of guns. And as she was crying, she mumbled, "Is this where they got the idea?" She was speaking of Kleibold and the other one. And Kleibold might not even be the right name. Fuck if I'll ask Lord Google the correct names. Anyway, you remember. Columbine? I didn't engage her because I was trying to watch a fucking movie which didn't give anybody the idea to do horrible, monstrous shit. Being crazy and feeling powerless and having no empathy cause people to do these kinds of things. But you know what a lot of murdering scumbags also are? Unimaginative! So even if they went and killed a bunch of people in a style similar to something they read in a book or saw in a movie, it doesn't mean the book or the movie is to blame. It just means the killers couldn't come up with an original idea.

I wonder what it's like to go through life being way too sensitive? It must be like constantly walking through flames with invulnerable, exposed nerve endings. I wonder if she cried during the original The Bad News Bears? "Those kids aren't wearing seatbelts! And they shouldn't be sitting on the seats like that while the car is moving! And wasn't that man drinking just before this?!"

I hope one of these covers is The Bad News Bears!

Speaking of kids with baseball bats:

Anarky just looks like he's wearing a poorly made Martian Manhunter costume.

Batman sees Anarky knock one of The Mad Hatter's buck teeth out of his head and figures he'd better stop the violence before one of his most iconic villains is disfigured beyond recognizability. Or maybe Batman just doesn't want to get blamed for it. He's knocked out plenty of teeth himself over the years but nobody wants to be blamed for something they didn't do, even if they have a history of doing that same exact thing.

While Batman gets sliced by one of Anarky's gang (not with a knife but with a golf club! Get it?!), Detective Bullock (with Penny-One's help) begins searching the Blue House for the mechanism controlling the people of Gotham in Anarky masks. He discovers a buzzing Mad Hatter hat which must be sending out the signal. I bet he has to put it on and then Bullock can control everybody in the city! Street sausages for everybody!

Alfred tries to stall for time by reasoning with the rioters. I've always thought that a person holding a lit Molotov Cocktail was just a person needing a hug.

While Bullock tries to figure out the frequency of the mind control waves by dividing ten by six (possibly his toughest assignment so far), Batman de-masks Anarky and it's...Sam Young! But that's who Bullock thought it was! And if Bullock thought it, it couldn't have been correct unless...I can't believe I'm thinking this...Bullock's coffee mug was correct! He is the World's Greatest Detective! Stick that revelation up your Bat-ass and spin, Batman! Or something. I'm not very good at trash talk.

How could the system not put The Mad Hatter away for life?! He filled Gotham Bay with corpses a year ago! The system really does suck! Batman had better just start killing folks now.

Sam Young explains how his sister was The Mad Hatter's first Alice (wrong but what does he know, you know?) and how nobody would do anything to stop Jervis from killing kids at the Blue House. So he decided the best way to fix the system was to burn it to the ground. Then the only people left would be under his control and he could tell them to not kill his sister ever again. Or something. I'm not sure he really had a plan involving rebuilding. He's just a grown kid throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. Sure, his way was just wanting somebody to save his sister but we can't always get what we want. Especially when Batman wasn't around at the time to save everybody, the lazy asshole.

While Batman listens to yet another villain explain why his craziness is the same as Batman's craziness (when it explicitly isn't but then when has craziness ever dabbled in logic and rationality?), Detective Bullock decides to put on the Mad Hatter's hat. Here we go! The riot is going to end because everybody is going to suddenly have an overwhelming desire to eat a danish and fuck a hooker!

"Why do I suddenly want to stick my dick in a warm pumpkin?"

The issue ends with Bruce and Alfred taking down the Christmas lights and discussing how Batman jumped to the conclusion that everybody in Gotham, when given the chance, decided to become murderers and scofflaws. What a douche! Alfred is all, "You're a fucking jerkhole." And Bruce is all, "I'm Batman!" And Alfred mumbles, "That's what I said." And Bruce is all, "I don't actually need a butler, you know!"

Detective Comics #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. At the end, Anarky tells Batman that they're the same. That proves that he wasn't meant to be the real Anarky (and is why he'll be replaced by that Lonnie Machin kid in the hospital). Batman is the opposite of anarchy. He's fascism! He's all keeping peace through strict control of the populace. Anarchy is all about trusting your fellow citizen not to stick an axe in your head simply because you like to walk around with your pee-pee hanging out. Or something. I should probably read up on anarchy sometime, beginning with the dictionary definition. Although why bother? I'm pretty sure it just reads "Freedom!"

Detective Comics #39

Apparently Harley Quinn is 75 years old this month!

Back when Animaniacs was first on the air, my mother, who, at times, can be a bit of a nutty whackjob (that's the polite term, I think), took the opening of the show seriously and truly believed that Wakko, Yakko, and Dot had been around in the 1930s. Always wanting to be cooler than the cool kids in the popular culture cool room, she would constantly tell people who mentioned the show how much she had loved the Warner Brothers and their Sister Dot when she was a kid, way before all the people who were just now discovering them. I think I tried to tell her once that that was just a fictional opening to set up the premise for the show and she got angry that I was calling her crazy, so I dropped it because hinting that my mother might have been crazy really made her crazy. And besides, what did I know?! It's not like I had the internet to prove she was wrong. What if she had been right?! I had been known to be absolutely wrong about things simply because I was ignorant of stuff that happened before I was born, or during my life which I wasn't paying attention to, or shit I was just ignoring because it was more convenient to believe lies. What if I were to look up the history of the Animaniacs on the internet right now and discover my mother was correct?! You know what? That's too scary a thought to contemplate. I'm just going to walk away right now before I enter a world of complete madness.

But who knew Harley Quinn was 75 years old, right?!

The issue begins with Batman threatening to slit Harvey's throat if he doesn't take him back through the Taco Bell drive-thru to correct his Fourth Meal order.

"No injustice is too small to be ignored, Bullock."

Last issue, Bullock's possible first romantic interest that didn't involve a cash transaction shot an innocent boy on the street while chasing a robbery suspect. The Gotham Police decided it would be best to publicly blame Batman because nobody wants to take that kind of heat, amirite? If I accidentally shot a boy while trying to murder somebody else, I'd totally blame whoever else was standing next to me after shooting them, then putting the gun in their hand and manipulating their finger to pull the trigger to shoot myself in the arm. Then I'd be a hero for wrestling the gun out of their hands and killing them before any other innocent boys were shot! And my freedom would have only cost one extra innocent life! That's a small price to pay for freedom! I hear freedom isn't free, so I'm just, you know, paying my tab and shit.

Batman understands Bullock's position because he was in a movie a few years ago where Two-Face killed some people and blew up a bunch of shit and Batman was all, "Hey Gordon. Go ahead and blame me because I'm going to go on vacation for eight years anyway and we wouldn't want Harvey Dent's reputation tarnished just because he tried to kill everybody after having half of his face melted off and going batshit insane."

Batman recaps what's been going on over the last few issues. Anarky gave every citizen of Gotham a mask and a bunch of them have decided they get to break whatever laws they want with no fear of punishment. Batman says "most people" but that's fucking bullshit. Most people are inherently good and calm and kind. Even if they were given a magic mask, they still wouldn't decide to murder and kill and go on a spree of vandalism and mayhem. The problem is, you don't need "most people" to suddenly decide laws don't matter. You actually only need a very small percentage of a city's population to rise up at once and go nuts for everything to break down. I just wish Batman would acknowledge that fact instead of deciding that "for most, these masks have ignited a troubling amount of violence and hatred within." If that's true, just fucking let Gotham burn because it's not fucking worth it.

I wonder if this story is supposed to be some kind of analogy about trolls and the internet?

Stop being such a pessimistic sour grumphole. This is a small percentage of Gothamites turning law and order upside down. Just put on the cowl and get to fucking work stopping the chaos, asshole.

Youth and anonymity have historically been the two biggest factors in trolling. Before the internet, kids were trolling people on CB Radios. Before that, trolling was done via graffiti. Before that, I don't know. Shaving the side of a Wooly Mammoth? What am I? A trolling historian?! In elementary school, I once wrote on the sidewalk, in pencil, "Fuck Peter Martin" in front of Peter Martin's house. For no fucking good reason at all. Absolutely none. Somebody saw me and I got into huge trouble. But it wasn't the anger and the yelling and the punishment that taught me anything. It was the shame of having done something hurtful and stupid. And I had no good or bad reason to do it. Simply no reason at all. Just a stupid, youthful impulse. I put bullshit into the world thinking I could just walk away from the consequences. Being anonymous, I didn't even think there would be consequences, for me or for Peter Martin whose feelings I didn't even consider. I didn't even have any kind of beef against him! I was just in front of his house when the thought struck me!

I think with the internet, the age factor in trolling has leveled out across the board. I have a feeling there exists a substantial number of adults in a state of arrested development living lives in which they feel powerless and put upon. The internet lets them vent and then walk away without ever considering the feelings of the people on the other end of their rage. There's no feedback system where they have to deal with the consequences of their hatred and vitriol. Is there a way to send electrical shocks through the internet whenever a person pushes "Publish" on a horrible comment? I suppose I'd have to deal with a certain amount of voltage every time I post a commentary on a Scott Lobdell comic book. But it would probably still be worth it. It's not like I'm a completely anonymous asshole ranting for no good reason! Scott Lobdell must be stopped! Although I have high hopes for his new books beginning in June! It's time to clean the slate and start again. Kind of. I mean, Lobdell cleans the slate and starts again every month anyway, amirite?!

Wait. Wasn't I reading a Batman comic? Why do I always get so distracted? And even my digressions just kind of peter out until I digress back into the comic book! Which isn't technically a digression as much as just righting the train car and getting back on track. Or something.

"Mask. Mad Hatter. People acting out of control. What is the connection, Alfred? I just can't put my finger on it!" *fingers mask*

Batman has decided there is a connection between Jeb Lester (the guy Anarky set on fire and threw out of Wayne Tower) and The Mad Hatter. Harvey has decided that there is a connection between Jeb Lester and Sam Young (the guy whose briefcase Jeb Lester had on him before he was set on fire and thrown out of Wayne Tower). Both of them have evidence of a place called "The Blue House" that's connected to Sam Young and the kids killed by The Mad Hatter and Jeb Lester and whatever else I can't remember. So Batman and Bullock head out to the Blue House to find some more clues!

Batman and Bullock get jumped by a bunch of Maskies while The Mad Hatter is broken out of Blackgate by Anarky. He's thrown in the trunk of a car and taken away. I bet they go to The Blue House because the plots really need to come together. I can't keep everything straight if the plot threads keep fraying.

After the brawl, Batman discovers the masks are full of Mad Hatter technology because sometimes Batman is too distracted to be the World's Greatest Detective earlier in the comic book when he's fingering masks. But Bullock finds the biggest clue of them all! A portrait of Jeb Lester and a bunch of kids in front of The Blue House. Also in the painting? Jervis Tetch with a rake creepily staring at a young girl in front of him. How many Alices can one man have?

And finally, I think Jervis was better off in prison.

Detective Comics #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. If I weren't already reading every title published by DC Comics, I'd still pick up every book illustrated by Manapul and Buccellato. They're simply gorgeous. And they tell a good story too! I suppose if they told a shitty story, I wouldn't care how good the art was because even though I love what the medium of comics can do mixing art and writing, I'm still 90% about the writing and 16% about the art.

Arkham Manor #1

I have no idea what the fuck this title is about but at least it isn't Tony S. Daniel's Deathstroke. Ugh. That's next!

The issue begins with that minor incident that just took place in Batman Eternal #29. You know the one? The one where God's Wrath (or Man's Wrath (or, let's face it, just plain old Jim Corrigan's Wrath)) shot up through Arkham Asylum from underground where Deacon Maxie Blackfire Zeus cast some spell on old Jimmy. It's probably Corrigan's fault for not releasing The Spectre earlier like Batwing kept suggesting. Instead he kept it pent up inside until he couldn't contain it anymore. And now that Arkham has been destroyed, where are the crazy people (or the even crazier people that think getting off on an insanity plea in Gotham is better than going to Blackgate) going to live?

Oh! Wayne Manor! I get it now! I guess with Batman busy chasing down Hush, and Alfred busy hallucinating his ass off in the ruins of Arkham, and Penny-Two having always wanted to open a Bed and Breakfast, everything has aligned to make Wayne Manor the perfect place to rehabilitate the criminally insane!

But first, everybody needs to argue about whose backyard will have all the entertaining new neighbors in it.

This series is going to be an entertaining, joke-filled look at mental illness, right? I can't wait!

Mayor Hady, using the vile, evil right of eminent domain (a "right" that probably cost me millions of dollars in inheritance money since my grandfather's family owned a bunch of orchards along Wolfe Road in Sunnyvale but had to sell at a low, low cost of pennies on the pennies because the government is, and always has been, full of assholes) decides Wayne Manor is the place the insane outta be. Sounds good! Although I hope the Batcave has its own bathroom or Penny-Two is going to have to poop in the Batmobile.

A note says that this issue takes place after Batman Eternal #30 which I haven't read yet! I hope I don't get any spoilers! I knew I should have violated the sanctity of the comic book stack and read Batman Eternal #30 this morning!

Uh oh. I think I just read a spoiler about "the idiot son" having lost the family fortune! I think he still had all of his money at the end of Batman Eternal #29! Did Hush steal his debit card and guess that the secret pin was 537154? That's as close as I can get to making Catwoman's name out of numbers!

Batman does some Narration Boxing so that the reader understands that he allowed this to happen. Sure you did, Bat-Genius! Unless it's all explained in Batman Eternal #30! If it is, then I'll apologize for calling you a Bat-Genius.

Nobody noticed the secret staircase behind the grandfather clock? Or the firemen's poles that appear when you push the button in the bust of Christopher Marlowe?

Apparently Batman filled the staircase with concrete. And I think he got rid of the poles years ago because they were just too campy. It seems he doesn't mind giving his house over to Gotham so the criminally insane have a safe place to live. And also a place to keep the rest of Gotham safe from them. He seems to really care about the needs of Arkham's old inmates, mostly because his father wanted the mentally ill of Gotham treated better. Usually Batman doesn't think twice about putting a mentally ill person in the hospital. But for now, he's pretending he cares. I can't wait until he drops the facade and starts making jokes about schizophrenia!

No wonder Batman is afraid his secret identity will get out. Just think of all the lawsuits that would be filed against him for criminal assault!

Bruce Wayne has rented an apartment somewhere in Gotham that he has yet to gentrify. Alfred is there getting drunk because, having recently been pumped full of Scarecrow's special "Piss and Children's Tears" Fear Formula, he's realized life's too short not to throw it all away in nightly bouts of drunkenness. Also, Alfred's back?! Spoiler!

Alfred informs Bruce that something has happened back at Arkham Manor that Batman should probably look into. Did they forget to bring Batcow? One of Alfred Pennyworth the Cat's catnip meeses? Alfred's twelve inch butt plug? Penny-two?!

Oh. The Scarlet Sodomite was killed in Alfred's old room. I guess Batman should investigate that.

Bullock reveals to Batman that another inmate was killed earlier as well. And that's when Batman realizes it's time to institute Plan "This Plan Always Works" Plan. You know the one! The one where Batman (or Nightwing) pretends to be somebody else and gets admitted to Arkham? It's the best way to solve cases! I think it's also the reason inmates constantly broke out of Arkham. Because they'd stumble upon one of Batman or Nightwing's secret escape hatches that they used to get out once they solved the case from inside Arkham.

Arkham Manor #1 Rating: I think I'll enjoy this series for as long as it goes because it's something different and enclosed within a small world. It's kind of the exact opposite of Batman Eternal. But they'd better start making jokes at the expense of the mentally ill already so I can have something to be pretend angry about! This one can begin in the middle of the pack to sink or swim on its own merits.

Detective Comics #34

I bet Alfred isn't wearing any underwear right now.

The first page of this issue states that it is the conclusion to the Icarus story! Yay! I love conclusions because that means I survived until the end of yet another story! Although I could be celebrating a bit too early since I haven't actually read the book yet. Hopefully I can stave off a stroke or a heart attack for at least another hour!

It doesn't normally take me a full hour to read a comic book! But it does usually take me one to two hours to read a comic book while writing these commentaries on them at the same time. It would be nice if I could just take a stack of comic books out into the back yard and just read them one after the other without feeling the need to say stupid things about them. I suppose I still can do that with all of my old back issues that I want to read but I never wind up doing that. So I guess I don't really want to do that! Problem solved!

Harvey, you liar! You have not been following the evidence! You've been trying to pin Elena's murder on Bruce Wayne!

I'm not exactly sure what Batman and Harvey are talking about. I've never really been a fan of mysteries so I think I might have tuned out all the important bits of evidence that would fit together to make this story coherent. It involves human trafficking, the drug Icarus, a gang turf war, and the murder of Elena Lastnameorsomething. Somehow the explosion they just heard, which got them to stop fighting, made them realize some truth of the case. I don't know what that truth is!

Oh! According to the Annual, this whole thing is Batman's fault for beating Julian Day up in a bar's restroom and giving him just enough brain damage to become Calendar Man. That caused a ripple effect that led to the gang war and to Elena's death! So maybe Harvey was correct to investigate Bruce Wayne! His guts weren't wrong at all!

The explosion down at the waterfront was a radioactive man that leaks Icarus which the Kings of the Sun sell on the streets. Now they have to go collect their Icarus leaking mutant freak boy.

Batman also goes after the kid. Harvey too, probably!

I bet I would understand what was going on better if I went back and reread all the past issues! But my past comic books aren't really organized in any manner because my cat has taken to sleeping on the organized back issue boxes. The rest of my comics over the last half year or so are just higgledy-piggledy in another box. I suppose I could move my cat but he's old and infirm and he only really leaves to eat and use the litter box. Besides, cats are immovable objects.

More answers are discussed between Holter and Batman as Gertrude the Squid reappears to drag Holter, King of the Kings of the Sun, off to sea. But the Icarus Kid flies away to poop Icarus another day.

Harvey winds up yelling at Yip because he wants to scare off anybody interested in him before he realizes they're not interested in him because he's fat. I think that means he has low self-esteem or something. Anyway, he finds a missing crate that was tied to something or other and finds Anarky's anarchy symbol inside it. And that's how the comic ends.

Detective Comics #34 Rating: No change. How can I rate a comic book that I barely understood?! I don't think this story went too long that I couldn't remember it. But in-between the conclusion and the rest of the story, I read the Annual which kind of explained how the whole mess got started and the Free Issue #27, so maybe I lost track of the story a bit. Also, there were a lot of threads that kind of tied in to Elena's death but weren't entirely necessary to follow to understand the whole murder mystery part of the story. But remember when I deconstructed the title way back in issue whatever issue that was? I said this story was about an "I" that "cared" about "Us"? I was totally fucking right! It was about Holter causing all this trouble because he cared about his daughter and Elena, her mother, kept her from him! Even when I'm being a stupid fucking dickhole, I can't help but determine what the comic book is actually about.

Detective Comics #33

Batman has been standing in a lot of blood on a lot of covers this month.

The issue begins in the worst Mexican standoff ever because The Kings of the Sun already shot Lawrence. And now Lawrence's brother has decided this isn't a Mexican standoff situation at all. This is a start shooting as many people in the face as possible situation. But since Batman is in the middle of everything, he's probably not going to let any more people get shot.

Oh Batman! You just can't let the thugs work out their problems on their own, can you?

Batman keeps the thugs from killing them but then when the Gotham SWAT team arrives, he puts all of their lives in danger for his own safety! With SWAT rifles trained on Batman and the thugs, Batman blows a smokescreen out of his gloves and disappears. Batman may like to think he has supreme control over every situation, but how did he know the Gotham SWAT guys wouldn't panic as soon as he blew the smoke grenades? Cops in cities all over the United States start pulling triggers way faster over far less! If this were Portland, Los Angeles, or New York, the thugs would all be dead! But at least Batman kept himself from being arrested!

In that last paragraph, I listed Portland alongside New York and Los Angeles. I don't mean to imply that Portland is anything like a major urban center. Not even close! But since I live in Portland and I witness how often the Portland police don't mind shooting unarmed people, I figured it deserved to be on the list. I'm sure other cities deserve to be on the list as well but since I don't live in them, I can't say! Just go back and reread the list and insert your own city if you think the police where you live have fearful trigger fingers like the others. And apparently unlike Gotham Police! Nerves of steel, these guys! At least in this scene. I've seen them unload their guns over far less. But this time people would have died and it would have been on Batman's head, so they knew to hold their fire.

Meanwhile, Harvey Bullock continues with his investigation into Bruce Wayne's ties to Icarus hitting the streets.

Harvey's got a real knack for detective work. His favorite tools are jumping to conclusions and beating the shit out of suspects.

While Maggie Yip runs down some leads for Harvey, Batman, once again, is way ahead of him. But that's because he has Alfred and the Batcomputer checking on his leads. I think he's also smarter. And he has more resources. Oh, also Batman follows the evidence instead of deciding who's behind it all at the beginning of the case and then only finding evidence that points to the person you think is behind it. Cops should try it Batman's way more often.

Oh Harvey. Don't kid yourself!

I would be rooting for Harvey if he hadn't begun this entire case trying to force Bruce Wayne into the role of prime suspect. If he'd allowed the evidence to lead to Bruce Wayne before accusing him, I could accept that. But Harvey was too eager to pin the death of Elena Aguila on him. Still, I think by the time this story arc is over, Batman will let Harvey solve the entire thing his way. After all, it was getting dirty with Icarus dealers that got Harvey's partner killed, and Harvey feels like he needs to solve this case for his old partner. Batman can respect that.

Or maybe he'll just accuse Harvey of getting his partner killed and sock him in the face!

Detective Comics Rating: No change. The issue felt a bit short this month. I'm sure Batman is only accusing Harvey of falsifying reports because Harvey knew his partner was dirty but never told anybody about it after Spencer had been killed. Harvey's one of the few Gotham Police that is trying to do the right thing even if he's a bit sloppy in the way he goes about it. Also, he tends to let his emotions and instincts get in the way of the actual police work, as evidenced by his need to find Bruce Wayne behind the Icarus problem. I think it will eventually all work out as I said. Harvey will get to bring down the Icarus drug ring with a little help from Batman behind the scenes. Maybe Harvey will respect Batman a little more when they're through. Or maybe Harvey will just gloat about true detectives some more. I hope Harvey gets to shine at least a little bit though. Maybe impress Maggie Yip, right? Plus, he'll be able to take on a partner again after he has closure with the Spencer/Icarus business.

Detective Comics #32

How many giant squids/octopuses has Batman fought in his career?

DC should begin a second monthly title called "Shitty Detective Comics" and it should star Harvey Bullock. Although now that I've thought about it for more than the two seconds it took to type the sentence with the idea in it, "Shitty Detective Comics" was already a thing. It was called "Inspector Gadget."

Currently in Gotham City, Harvey Bullock is trying to figure out where all of the Icarus is coming from and he suspects Bruce Wayne might be behind it all. Meanwhile, Batman is busy trying to find out where the Icarus is really coming from. Knowing that the case means so much to Harvey since Harvey's partner died five years ago trying to keep the shit off the street, Batman will probably give Harvey the credit for solving this case once Batman figures it all out. Batman doesn't build his reputation on solving crimes (even if he is known as The World's Greatest Detective!). No, Batman's rep is more about how many life altering injuries he can divvy up to the criminals of Gotham City.

Don't check the manifest and make a conclusion based on what you find! Check the manifest and come up with something that agrees with your crap theory! This is what the police call instinct. Jumping to a conclusion and then refusing to let it go in the face of any and all evidence.

Harvey must get tired of Batman solving all of the crimes before Harvey even realizes a crime has been committed. That's why Batman's going to give this one to Harvey! And not in a way that Harvey knows he was given one. Harvey is going to feel like a true hero when this story is over. And he'll probably show off the medal he earns to his partner's grave. Or just get drunk and vomit on his partner's headstone.

While Batman is trying to convince Elena's daughter that Gotham is worth saving or that it's better off since Batman became its guardian or that her mother's life had meaning or that anything is better than sticking drugs in your veins even though it all really just amounts to the same thing, Harvey Bullock changes his cats' litter while listening to phone messages.

And in one two page spread, Manallato makes me feel more for Harvey Bullock than I've ever felt before. He loves his cats, wears a beige trench coat, and ignores calls from his mother? I do those things!

Although I don't wear a fedora and the trench coat is more of an accidental fashion accessory that I wound up enjoying. I purchased the beige trench coat at a used clothing shop for less than twenty dollars for a Philip K. Dick costume. It was for a New Year's Eve costume party themed around San Francisco and I figured Dick was from Berkeley and that's practically The City anyway. Turns out I liked the coat better than my other jackets. Also turned out the coat was Burberry and allowed me to identify people that were really into name brands. Some people looked at the coat and thought I looked like a homeless person (that was part of the PKD look!) while others looked at the plaid lining and came in their pants. The other main part of my costume was a small book I passed out that was co-authored by Philip K. Dick and Grunion Guy. I'll reprint that now because I'm completely trying to ignore the fact that one of Harvey Bullock's cats, Sprinkles, has cancer!

The Guy Who Was Crazy But Ends Up Being The Only Guy Who Really Knows What Is Going On
By Philip K. Dick and Grunion Guy

It was the future. Not so far in the future as to have no relationship with today but not far enough in the future that when we actually get there any of the stuff in the story will actually be happening. And in the future, there was this guy. Actually, there were a lot of guys. And a lot of girls too! But not a lot of animals! But this guy is the main guy of the story. His name (he thinks!) is Jones.

Jones was at home making waffles. He was living an ordinary life full of long stretches of boredom and long stretches of no excitement. He thought weekends should be, like, five days instead of two. As he was making his waffles in his Micro-Microwave, it spoke to him!

"Hello Jones. You think your life is boring, don't you? But it really isn't!" bemused the Micro-Microwave.

"Hey! Microwaves can't talk! I must be crazy!" Jones asserted to his kitchen appliance.

"Ah! But it is the future, remember? And thus, perhaps kitchen appliances can talk. Except for maybe the blender."

"Oh! So I am not crazy at all! That is a relief," admired Jones.

"No, but you are not Jones either! You are really named Timothy! And you are the supreme ruler of the universe who has forgotten who he really is in order to save the universe from total destruction by enemies of the universe who would have him killed and thus ending the universe itself!" extrapolated the Micro-Microwave.

"Oh ho! I knew I was more important than I really seemed at first!" congratulated Smith. I mean, Timothy. "But how would you, a waffle toasting kitchen appliance, know that?"

"It is because you programmed me to one day let you know at the exact moment it would cause the most action and thrillingness. I am telling you now because the killer fascists are about to knock on your door!"

"Kabaaaam!" screamed the door as it was knocked down.

"Oops! I meant, knock down your door," apologated the Micro-Microwave as Timothy jumped out the window onto his waiting Hovercar for a really dramatic chase scene that should last about twenty minutes when the movie is made. Plus, the car was programmed to take him to a specific location where a bunch of rebels waited.

"Ah-ha! The day is here, my fellow rebels!" spattered the leader rebel as Timothy approached.

"Who are you? My universal royal army?" qwertyied Timothy.

"What? Do you not yet know? You're real name is Smith and you are the evil person who wants the universe destroyed! You are really the good guy of the story and the universe is the bad guy trying to keep you down!"

"Well then, let us wage a war to end all wars and regain all of our freedom!" decryed Smith, the rebel leader!

"Actually, we can't follow you. You're really a replication named Harrison. Sorry!"

"Bummer," chirped Harrison and pouted.

THE END! (Until the sequel)

I bet Harvey Bullock writes great stories like that too! He's my new favorite character in all of the DC Universe!

Bullock follows the shipping manifest lead to a vice president in Wayne Industries. Maybe Bullock's instincts are better than I've been giving him credit for! Maybe Bruce Wayne is behind all of the Icarus! That's sure going to surprise Batman!

Batman is also busy following leads.

Gotham is so weird that I'm now wondering if the giant squid is just a creature to help trap trespassers or the giant squid is actually The Squid and the deformed brains of the operation! Octosquidarae are a really smart order or genus or family of creatures, after all!

The Squid's name is Gertrude so no way is it the leader of this outfit. Nobody by the name of Gertrude has ever become famous in any way at all! Unless you count the Gertrude that Hemingway wanted to be as manly as. She was pretty famous.

Batman defeats Gertrude by blowing the bottom out of the tank and sending her back to sea. This also causes The Squid and his gang to fall out into the shallows just as The Kings of the Sun pull up and declare that it's time for a Mexican Standoff. I mean, a standoff right after the Kings shoot Lawrence (who I think is The Squid? I think?) in the stomach. Also, Batman finds himself in the middle of the Mexican Standoff filling his suit with guano.

Detective Comics #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. Manallato really know how to draw and write a compelling story that compels me to keep feeling compelled. And is there any better art out there? Okay, maybe. But there's no better art that I'm looking at while I'm looking at Manallato art! You can't argue with that logic.

One final thing! I was avoiding reading the DC Comics All Access page not because it's usually horrible but because it was about Infinity Man and the Forever People which I hadn't read yet. Then I read that and forgot about the All Access page. Now I remembered it and I just read the first sentence and my mind is reeling. "For the first time since The New 52 began, the New Gods have played substantial roles in the evolution of The New 52." Does that make any kind of sense at all? Am I losing my mind? DC should stop authorizing any access to this page until they can find somebody other than the Office Monkey they have currently writing it. I bet the Office Monkey's name is Beppo! "Who's a cute monkey? Who wants a banana? Finish your All Access page first! Go on! Type up some nonsense! That's a good monkey!"

Detective Comics #25

Look out, Jim Gordon! It's Zero Year! You'd better make it fucking exciting, you boring non-powered authoritarian fuckbag.

After 2200 posts, I finally labeled one of my posts "NSFW" because I mentioned how my posts are Never Safe For Work in a quote about a Gotham Police Officer sucking Batman's dick. Sorry for everybody that actually tries to block Not Safe For Work posts on their Tumblr dash (since none of my NSFW shit is visual, I figure it's not needed anyway) because that was a mistake I won't be repeating again! I immediately got follows from "SeeThisThroat," "MegaCougars," and "FaceDestruction." Although they could have followed me because of the tag "Go suck a batdick." Anyway, I hate to disappoint these people but I, sadly, will not be following them back. It's not that I'm against porn! It's just that I'm a snob who barely follows anybody. If I follow you, you should be inordinately proud! Proud that a sad, sadistic, cynical, housebound, grumpy asshat found something in common with you!

Actually, most of the people I follow on Tumblr I follow because they're completely different than me. I can live vicariously through a completely different life experience. I suppose "SeeThisThroat" probably offers something different but it's just not, for some reason, tickling my curiosity. You know what I mean.

Six years ago, Jim Gordon was about to die. But then he didn't. He lived instead! This made Jim Gordon angry! But happy too! He was angry at the men that tried to kill him not because he had lived! He was happy that he had lived even though some men had just tried to kill him! Those men were crooked cops and the year was Zero Year! For some reason!

Jim Gordon climbed from the river where he had been tossed like a sack of kittens and said, "This must be Zero Year! I will fight for justice and the American Way and possibly truth although what is truth, really? I mean, it depends on your experience and your perspective and whether or not you were force-fed a whole bunch of religious pablum as you were growing up as opposed to being allowed to watch Bill Nye and Beakman on Saturday Mornings." He then dusted the river water off of his trenchcoat and walked away to visit the emergency room because he just fell like five million feet into the water and he must have at least ruptured a testicle or something.

What is wrong with you, Jim Gordon? Stop worrying about the weather and get to a hospital already!

Perhaps Jim Gordon's mustache acted like a parachute and helped slow his decent. Then it acted like an air bag and helped cushion the impact. And then it acted like a pair of water wings and helped keep him afloat. And people think mustaches are just accessories to twirl and wax and make into outrageous shapes to hide the fact that you have no personality and are a complete bore to drink PBR with.

Instead of obsessing over the fact that he somehow survived his fall from the Trigate Bridge, praising God and miracles and Baby Jesuses and, possibly, Allah, Jim Gordon decides to have a nice long reminisce. He remembers things that happened in the past week like when The Black Mask Gang appeared on the scene. Jim and his partner, Francis Laney, arrived too late at one of the Black Mask Crime Scenes. Laney said, "Shucks! We lost 'em!" And Jim said, "We could have found them if you weren't so stupid!" And Laney said, "Duh!" And Jim said, "And sloppy!" And Laney said, "Whoops!" And Jim said, "And crooked!" And Laney said, "I'll kill you, Jim Gordon. I. Will. Kill. You." And Jim said, "Umm, what?" And Laney said, "Pretend I Narration Boxed that!" And Jim said, "Okay! Let's go get some coffee, partner!"

Or something like that. Sometimes what my eyes pick up winds up radically different after being processed by my brain. My fingers don't help either. They often type shit that even my brain didn't tell them to. Little fuckers.

Once Jim got back to Headquarters, he began going through the Employment Opportunity ads in The Daily Planet. But he knows they'd never hire a Gotham City police man. He'd have to assume a secret identity and leave his whole life behind him. So he decides to get his ass working on cleaning up Gotham. If only he had a superhero pal to help him out!

Amazing Detective work, Jim! "All the robberies took place near a McDonald's! I think I know the culprit and I'm going to question the clown immediately!" And just because he's right (about Roman, not about the clown!), it doesn't make it good detective work!

Jim decides to investigate anyway and he discovers that Janus Cosmetics also sells masks. "Aha!" he thinks. "The Smoking Gun! I've got Sionis!" Holy fuck, how did Gordon ever become Commissioner?!

Meanwhile, six years ago, Harvey Bullock was not fat.

Gordon keeps pressing his investigation so Commissioner Loeb sets Gordon up with the man that will eventually throw him off of a bridge to keep Gordon from discovering the truth. That's good police work! But Gordon is the master of police work! He gets played for a full week by Henshaw (the cop killer!) so that Gordon can get lots of evidence against him and the Black Mask. And then, just like he planned, he survives being thrown off of a bridge so that he has the final nail in the corpse casket against Henshaw and the other crooked cops working for The Black Mask.

Jesus. How is Blackgate Prison full of prisoners if nobody can be fucking arrested in this city?

Gordon overplays his hand and shows how he has enough evidence to bust Laney (the guy with the gun on Gordon) as well as Henshaw and several others. So now Laney has nothing to lose and is about to put a bullet in Gordon when Bullock saves the day! Seriously? Two good cops in one Gotham Precinct?! What are the fucking odds?

Eventually Jim becomes Commissioner and Bullock begins smoking and eating Popeyes way too much. Although is that a thing? Can you actually eat Popeyes way too much? I mean, I could probably live on their biscuits alone. How do they turn butter into the consistency of bread?! Fucking warlocks.

The back-up story sets the stage for more Man-Bat stories to come. Boo! Hiss! Bah! Lame! Man-bat sucks!

Detective Comics #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I tend to think I read comic books for super hero stories. But as long as I get a really nice character driven piece, or a well-thought out study of a current character, I'm more than happy. This was a sexy look into Jim Gordon's past. And it included some surprise Bullock shots for the Bullock Fandom out there. Does that exist? Is that a thing?