Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Boomerang #2

Parasite stars in way more comic books than he should because he's an easy villain to use if you don't want to think of a specific way to negate the powers of the protagonist.

The El Diablo Commentary!
• When you're in a hurry and you accidentally restart your laptop instead of shutting it down, what do you do?
A. Smash it with a hammer.
B. Smash it with a brick.
C. Kill yourself.
D. Burn everything.
E. Wait patiently because you're a good person who everybody fucking hates because how does it not make you instantly furious, you pathetic worm?!

• You may have guessed that I recently restarted my computer instead of shutting it down. Shouldn't the computer at least ask you if you're sure you want to restart before simply restarting? I mean, the two choices are right on top of each other! They're practically the same option when you live a swingingly chill lifestyle like I do! I can't be that accurate when shutting down my laptop! What am I? A boy scout?! I'm more the kind of person who throws a tomato at the keyboard and hopes it hits the off button as I stroll out of the house like motherfucking Jesus Christ!

• That was blasphemy, wasn't it? Not the part where I compared myself to Jesus! No, the part where I swore but it sounded like I was implying that Jesus fucks his mother. Although, I mean, is that really far off? Jesus and God are kind of the same person and God made Mary pregnant which sort of means Jesus made Mary pregnant which, if you said it crudely, might be something like "Jesus fucked his mother." You can't argue with logic! I mean, you can but why would you want to? Logic is a good thing!

• El Diablo has recently left the Suicide Squad to be part of a less exciting government black ops organization called Checkmate. You know they're less exciting because they based their entire organization around the game of chess. I know some of you are thinking, "But Tess, you ignorant slut! Chess is an exciting game that pits two people's minds against each other because luck does not factor in! It's all skill and mental acuity!" Of course, those same types of people thinking that will probably give you a fucking impossibly hard time if you want to take back a move in a casual game immediately after letting go of the piece. So, in a way, they really don't want to play against somebody playing their best. They really want you to make early errors so they can destroy you and push their glasses up on their nose and snort in derision at your feeble mental abilities.

• El Diablo is a horsey piece. That's a great piece in chess because it can leap over other pieces. In my Chess House Rules, you have to roll a six-sided die when the horse moves over one of your own pieces. On a six, the piece is trampled to death.

• El Diablo is on a mission inside of LexCorp Tower which has to be scrapped because he's run into Parasite. That's on the first page! Which means I still have like thirty-nine more pages to go! I've already been at this for an hour. Stupid internet! I'm always getting distracted.

How is this a proper response to that?! I guess he's trying to say "You can't always get what you don't want."

• The person speaking out of Parasite's face is Amanda Waller. Somehow El Diablo recognizes that it's her. I guess Amanda is constantly telling everybody in Belle Reve how much people in hell want ice water. I would think getting ice water would be the last thing on their minds. I would probably want my mouth not to be full of shit and maybe to be ass raped by demons with smaller and less barbed penises.

• Amanda is using some Jervis Tetch technology that enables her to control Parasite as if she were wearing him like a suit. For some reason, she doesn't want Parasite remembering this mission which is why she's taken control. You know, she's such a control freak, why doesn't she do this on every mission? Just stack five or six mind-control helmets on her head and then control the whole Squad!

• Amanda uses Parasite's powers (unless it's the Jervis Tetch Tech since I've never known Parasite to have psychic powers (unless he just recently drained them from somebody (like maybe the scientist at LexCorps!))) to infiltrate El Diablo's mind. She wants information on Checkmate and their recent goings-on. The way Amanda reads minds is by projecting a ghostly version of herself inside El Diablo's mind and then El Diablo creates a version of himself inside his mind so that they can stroll through his memories. That doesn't seem overly complicated.

• The original El Diablo winds up following Amanda and El Diablo through El Diablo's memories. That's overly complicating an aspect of this story that was already overly complicated!

• Once the stroll down memory whatever is done, Waller learns more about El Diablo than she expected.

El Diablo has an Old West DC character living inside his chest who emerges to punch people in the face just before they kill El Diablo?

• After putting Parasite down with his Cowboy Chest Punch, El Diablo meets a woman named Azucar. That's either "Sugar" or "Help!" or maybe "Rice" in Spanish. She's dressed like a Day of the Dead sugar skull so it could be any of those.

• Azucar tells El Diablo that both Checkmate and the Suicide Squad are using him. I expect him to say, "Duh!" Instead, he quits Checkmate and joins with Azucar to find out the truth! I don't know exactly what truth they're going to discover. I'm pretty sure the main truth is that El Diablo is a criminal with fire powers who people just want to use for their own ends. But I suppose there's another truth about why Checkmate needed El Diablo to catch the invisible metahuman Xolotl.

• El Diablo asks Arroz how they're going to get out of LexCorps without being caught by the Metropolis police. She says, "We have to play dead." He says, "I can't die." Who the fuck cares if you can die or not?! Can you pretend you're dead?! She said you have to play dead, not be dead! Fucking idiot. Anyway, Ayuda does her magic killing thing and the first half of this issue ends.

The El Diablo Ranking!
0! I know I don't have to believe everything that happens in a comic book can really happen but sometimes comic books do such outrageous things that I dismiss them outright. That whole bit with Amanda Waller walking through El Diablo's memories while being followed by a cowboy who wasn't part of the memory was too much for me! I did like when Lazarus Lane popped out of El Diablo's chest to punch Parasite in the face though. I have no fucking idea what that was about but any time a DC character from their western genre can get in on the action, I'm all aboard. Except when he's wandering around in somebody else's memories. That was dumb.

The Captain Boomerang Commentary!
• These comic books that are two comic books in one are a pain in the ass to do commentaries on. I don't have this long of an attention span!

• Captain Boomerang has been drafted by some kids living in a South American jungle to help them overthrow El Jaguar. That shouldn't be too hard since that was why he was there in the first place with the Suicide Squad. It's just now he gets to do it with kids instead of insane monsters micromanaged by an even bigger, more insane monster.

• While Boomerang plans the mission with his new team consisting of Breaker, Volt, Wave, and Boost, Amanda Waller tells the Suicide Squad that they need to go back to South America to rescue Captain Boomerang. I was sort of hoping they wouldn't show up again until the end of the story. How dare they take away any of Digger's limelight? This is his solo story!

• Remember Lime and Light? I still can't believe DC killed of Lime before Light. I'd much rather have had some idiot running around named Lime.

• Breaker screws up Captain Boomerang's plan to sneak in and assassinate El Jaguar. That's what happens when teenagers don't follow the orders of adults! I know as a teenager, you might be thinking, "But who would think a drunk, sort-of racist asshole like Captain Boomerang would know what he's doing? Fuck that! I'm going my own way!" And to that, I say, "Yeah. That's probably the right choice 99 out of 100 times. But this time, Breaker fucked up! She should have listened to the adult!"

• Anyway, now Captain Boomerang and the kids wind up in a huge battle that will probably burn about five or six pages. That's good because I never have much to write about comic book brawls.

What a jerk! Doesn't he know what a boomerang is? You have to dodge it twice before you start acting like a big shot!

• The epilogue features Breaker exploding El Jaguar and the Squad returning to pick up Captain Boomerang. And it's cute and adorable and just makes me love Captain Boomerang even more. Even Katana, who I've loved for as long as I've pretended Ann Nocenti didn't ruin her, has a cute moment with him. And then it's over! The story is over! So I guess Issue #3 will be El Diablo and Somebody Else. Unless Captain Boomerang is just going to begin another story. I'd be super cool with that.

The Captain Boomerang Ranking!
+2! Digger Harkness is one of the greatest comic book characters ever created by a creator in an act of creation. And he lives up to his greatness in this story. Also he's kind of dead in the regular Suicide Squad as of Issue #2. I'm still hoping it was a great big fake-out! Maybe I should read Issue #3 out of order so I can see how Digger survived being heat visioned by General Zod!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: El Diablo and Boomerang #1

I'm sad that DC has decided to lose Captain Boomerang's rank. Now he's just a normal, civilian shlub like the Marvel version.

The Commentary on El Diablo!!
Hopefully these Suicide Squad Most Wanted books won't just be about the members of the team who have plot immunity to death. I mean, I know El Diablo died recently and then died in the movie as well, but he's the kind of guy who will almost certainly escape from Hell to return as a bigger bad-ass than before. But this is where comic book companies don't think enough outside of the box because their main goal seems to be creating a character popular enough to sell a book no matter how shitty it is written. But they have an opportunity here to have a really exciting story about a villain who gets caught up in crime way over his or her head, winds up in Belle Reve, and thinks maybe he or she can take the chance to join the Squad and turn his or her life around. It could be a real tragedy where we learn all about the villain's humanity and missteps and his or her chance at redemption. And then he or she could die. And I don't think he or she should die heroically but cowardly and unredeemed and in a way that shows the character we have been conditioned to root for actually was a complete piece of garbage all along.

Maybe that'll be El Diablo's story!

Here's how the story begins! Guess who's going to die!

Zoomax doesn't die yet! That would be a waste of a character with a stupid name! I'm sure he'll be a thorn in El Diablo's side which will be his downfall because this isn't Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Zoomax and Boomerang #1. Although if it were, I might be more excited about it! Who is Zoomax?! He's bound to die, right? I'm so nervous! But since his name isn't on the cover, I'm not nervous at all and I know he's going to die. Although I'm still curious about who he is. Maybe.

The chaplain at Belle Reve tells El Diablo that God is pleased by the works El Diablo is doing for the greater good. How the fuck does he know?! If he's heard from God, he's crazy and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near these convicts. If he isn't crazy then he hasn't heard from God and he's sinning just by presuming to know the will of God! The chaplain tells El Diablo that he can leave Belle Reve at any time. I don't know why he says this without checking with Amanda Waller first. Does this chaplain think he can go over her head? Maybe he's going to be the one who dies. Probably at El Diablo's hands.

Amanda Waller, of course, denies El Diablo his request to be sent home. Since she has all the power, she offers El Diablo the choice to remain locked up or to go on one last mission. Of course if she has all the power, where's the guarantee that the one last mission will be the one last mission? I mean, aside from the guarantee that everybody on the mission will die! That's probably the only way Amanda will let El Diablo go. And it seems like the choice she's making because she's sending him to lead a team of new recruits who have less discipline than Captain Boomerang.

Amanda sends in the team El Diablo would have been leading to beat his ass. A guy named Behemoth and a guy named Leviathan. El Diablo is only saved by the interference of an agent from Checkmate come to pull him out for one of their missions.

El Diablo on the Freedom Fighters? Why not? They need somebody to light the fireworks.

El Diablo is offered the chance to join Checkmate or to just go home. The issue is called "Home Again" so I bet he chooses home and plays Xbox for the next five issues. Or maybe he'll go home and change his mind when he realizes there aren't any real great opportunities with a record and face tattoos. In any event, if he joins Checkmate, he gets to pretend he's doing something good when in reality he'll be just another cog in systemic oppression!

El Diablo does choose to go free. But he'll be back when he realizes his life is shit and nobody really wants him around!

Especially this guy: Bloodletter! Does that mean he writes letters in blood?

Bloodletter is protecting the neighborhood for a fee. But he's the guy everybody needs protecting from! So I would say he's not earning his money. Also, I think he's a Twi'lek. It doesn't really matter because he's soon dead.

No, Bloodletter lives to write more letters in blood another day. But he is thrown in prison by Checkmate (probably Belle Reve, right?!) and El Diablo finally accepts their offer because he burned his aunt and uncle's home down, and nobody else wanted to see him. Poor baby.

The El Diablo Review!
I like the introduction of Checkmate, especially since El Diablo will eventually see they're just as bad as Amanda Waller but in their own way. I'm sure however his time ends with them (probably piss of Uncle Sam by burning his beard away), he'll be sent back to Amanda at Belle Reve. But this time he'll probably be there for a few consecutive life sentences, just to show him that he's powerless against the system and that he shouldn't have deigned to hope he could have a good life. At least, I kind of hope it's a sad ending. I need some sad endings in my life sometimes. I'm sick of everything always having to work out! And if things work out even for characters in the Suicide Squad, where am I supposed to get my depressing fiction? Indie comics?!

The Commentary on Captain Boomerang!
John Ostrander made Captain Boomerang one of my all time favorite characters. When I threw my first gaming convention, I really wanted to be Captain Boomerang for the Saturday Night Costume Party. But since I really didn't want to try to keep up a terrible Australian accent all night, I went with my second favorite, Captain Cold. That probably worked out better because I was able to decorate the house like an ice cave. I'm not sure what I would have done for a Captain Boomerang headquarters. Litter the floor with crumpled cans of Fosters? It's Australian for beer, Mate!

This story is called "What Comes Around Goes Around" and, I mean, come on! That's clever, right?! It's so clever that it's probably been used before! The real example of clever is finding something to say that is just a few steps off the beaten path. You don't want to get too far from the path or people will get completely lost by your cleverness and then it's not really clever. At that point, it's probably genius. But you don't want genius when we're talking comic books! Ain't a lot of genii reading comic books! That's the plural of genius, right? If not, my point still stands because I doubt there's even on genie reading comic books. So no way will there be two! You can find something to say that's on the same path as everybody else and still be clever, of course. But that kind of clever is a bit too broad for my liking. That's the kind of clever that makes not-that-clever-but-almost-clever people say things like, "Oh! I wish I thought of that!" Or they'll even nod to their boyfriend and say, "I was just saying that last night! Wasn't I just saying that last night?!" That kind of clever isn't for me! Come to think of it, the just a few steps of the beaten path clever isn't really for me either. I like to find my clever deep in the tangles of blackberry bushes where people think, "Why the fuck is he wading through that shit? He's an idiot, right?" Or am I a genius?! I'll let time and my grandmother determine that!

Boomerang has wandered away from the rest of the Squad to have a beer so Deadshot says one of those right-in-the-middle-of-the-path clever things I was talking about. Basically he's all, "If you're not dead, I'll kill you myself!" But he won't. Unless somebody pays him scads and scads of cash to do so. I'm really getting a lot of use out of "scads" lately! I'm using it like a two-bit whore who I've told "No suck just fuck!" so that I can actually get me some penetration action! Actually, what I was going to say before I thought up the on-the-path cleverness of comparing something to a whore--total mainstream bro humor, dude!--I was going to say you'd think I was renting the word and trying to get as many uses out of it as possible before I had to take it back to that librarian who wasn't very sexy, what with the ponytail and glasses and huge fucking warts and all.

The Squad (consisting of Flag, Deadshot, Harley, Killer Croc, Boomerang, and Katana) is after somebody named El Jaguar.

I'm glad Harley chooses to strike sexy poses while battling. As a male, I wouldn't be able to get through twenty pages of comic books if I couldn't pop at least a couple of boners.

Harley looking like she's casually crowdsurfing while spilling her guts to a psychotherapist (Psycho the Rapist! Fitting? Probably. Fucking mind rapers!) is actually pretty realistic if you think about it. I mean, if you think about it compared to this bit where Boomerang saves Deadshot's life:

I don't know what kind of frictionless grip this guy has but I can guarantee you he's never pleased himself or another man in his entire life.

When I criticize something, you don't have to automatically assume I didn't like what I criticized. That's just making asses out of yourself and yourself when you think of yourself as me. Leave me out of your assuming, is what I'm saying. What I'm also saying is, why are there so many blackberry brambles out here? I mean, what I'm also saying is I totally thought that bit with the boomerang knocking the gun around was super cool! Totally don't care if it's ridiculous because I'm sure in the right circumstances, it could totally happen. Also a woman could fall in a vat of chemicals that bleach her skin white and she doesn't die and a katana exists that can suck the souls of those it kills. Comic books are the best!

Plus, whenever I read a passage that destroys all the credulity in the universe, I just remember that I once read a comic book where Dick Grayson rides a motorcycle up the side of a skyscraper.

The Squad is overrun by metahumans they weren't expecting and Waller calls for their retreat. Did she forget about the "suicide" in "Task Force X"? Oh wait. Okay, I get it. Um, she sends El Diablo in a helicopter to pull the other jerks out of the jerkfire. He's all, "Checkmate is the best, motherfuckers!"

I wonder if Deadshot has ever missed a shot because he was rolling his eyes at something Boomerang or Harley said? I know I rolled my eyes for two weeks straight when Harley Quinn called her vagina a clown car way back in an early New 52 issue of Suicide Squad. I also jerked off thinking about it. So much seltzer water!

I wish Bronze Tiger were part of this team again. Why couldn't he have been in the movie?

The Squad escapes but they forget to pack Boomerang up on the helicopter. Now he's stuck on El Jaguar's turf until the team comes back to finish the mission. Or until they come back to find Digger has finished the mission for them.

I love you, Digger Harkness.

I liked the line in the previous panel but that was before Digger said in a panel to follow, "What you people--Mexicans or Mexican'ts?" Of course, they're South American. I think that means they're not Mexican? I don't know why the little lady who tells Boomer they're South Americans isn't all, "We're Chilean!" or "We're Brazilian!" or "We're, um, one of the other countries! Argentinian, I think!"

Instead she's all, "Check out my belly in this belly shirt while I do equations on this calculator, yo!"

I like his sorta-racist attitude! It's funny! Don't get me wrong! I'm not racist but seeing Digger act racist when he desperately needs help because he doesn't know how to be anything but who he is is funny! I'm totally not the kind of person to laugh at jokes about black guys having penises as big as bread boxes. At least not when there are any holier-than-thou jerkos in earshot!

One other thing I love about Digger that I can't not mention. He's got some great looking boots. I'd suck a pretty big dick for boots like that. Who wouldn't? That's like a win/win situation!

Boomerang is captured by a few of El Jaguar's metahuman thugs but not before putting up a fight that makes me proud to call Digger my favorite. He also stumbles upon the fact that these metahumans are under some kind of mind control due to the armor they're wearing. But, anyway, like I said, he's captured. And he's about to die when Calculator Girl saves the day! Actually, her name is Breaker and she does this thing where she...well she kind of...I mean her body goes all...oh, just read the stupid comic book. Or look up Breaker on the Internet!

For saving Boomerang's life, she expects him to help her kill El Jaguar. It seems he has some kind of Nowhere program going on and Breaker is the South American Red Robin trying to save all of the children.

The Captain Boomerang Review!
This was a good comic of goodness. It was so good and exciting. It was full of goods. If you like good things, you will like the Boomerang half of this comic book. And you might like the El Diablo half too! But how should I know? It's not like you're me! You're probably the opposite of me. You might be one of those people who make sour faces at vaguely racist jokes even when they're made by amoral characters who are just too ignorant to know anybody. You might be one of those people who say really stupid things like, "Saying it's the character is no defense for a writer because the writer had a choice to not make that character a total jerk! Why can't writers make all the characters awesome? Just make some of them bad awesome but they still know better than to say the T-slur or the Q-insult or the F-bomber!" If you are, you might like this comic book in a secret way! The kind of way where you're titillated a little bit at the badness of it but if it were a Tumblr post, you would never "like" it because one of your more-holier-than-even-you friends might notice and call you out on it and call you problematic or--even worse!--gross! But, I mean, this was good, so you'll probably like it even if you are a better citizen than I am!

Suicide Squad Rebirth #1

Suicide Squad goes from a logo that actually took a bit of graphic design to something a tenth grader would come up with for the cover of the yearbook.

The Commentary!
I will probably be going to see the Suicide Squad movie in a few days and I will probably enjoy the hell out of it, even if Harley has a scene with The Joker where she screams, "Martha?! Who's Martha?!" No matter how enjoyable the movie might be, it won't get a fair shake from the internet. I have a feeling Marvel fans are just waiting for the first widespread theatrical showing of Suicide Squad so that they can begin blogging their comments about how bad the movie was based on the early reviews they've already read. They'll have no original thoughts of their own because that's the fucking internet for you. Judge something on its own merits based on your own ideas and perceptions? Fuck that! If you disagree with the Internet, you'll be crucified! So instead of talking about the good points to Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us, just keep repeating the Martha gag over and over and fucking over (just like I did earlier!). Instead of pointing out how the scene makes emotional sense but was horribly directed, just pan the entire movie due to Snyder's poor interpretation of Batman's sudden realization of the humanity of this powerful alien. You know what? I shouldn't put all the blame on Snyder. Where the fuck did Jesse Eisenberg come up with that interpretation of Lex Luthor?!

Here's the deal: I'll tell you if the movie is good and why. I've been a fan of the Squad since Legends, so I'm not going to be happy if it's terrible. I mean, I'm already not happy that they're using the version of the Squad they're using! I'm fine with Amanda Waller, Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Rick Flag, and Enchantress. And I understand DC's feeling that Harley Quinn is necessary. Hell, she'll probably steal the entire movie for most people. But I don't know how I feel about Katana being in the group. And I don't give a shit about Killer Croc. And El Diablo? Well, I guess they need somebody they can kill. If it were up to me, I would have included Oracle in this movie since Suicide Squad was when she first made her appearance. Since The Joker is in this movie, maybe have a scene where he shoots a young Barbara Gordon during some ribbon cutting ceremony in Gotham while she's on stage with her father. Make it sort of a background thing that you can replay again later in the movie from a perspective after they discover Oracle is helping them. Now that I've written that, I'm thinking, "How the fuck did they miss this opportunity?!" And now I'm thinking, "Oh! Maybe they didn't! I haven't seen the movie yet! Maybe Oracle is in it!" But now now I'm thinking, "I'm pretty sure I would have heard about Oracle being in the film if she were in the film so stop dreaming, asshole."

Suicide Squad Rebirth begins with President Obama shutting down Task Force X. Being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know that this proclamation won't stick because this comic book is just starting. It's those kinds of things that separate the Grandmasters from the Amateurs. An Amateur Comic Book Reader probably read "The Suicide Squad is finished" on page one and thought, "What?! But it hasn't even started yet! I just wasted three bucks!" The really dumb ones probably think the comic book ended on that first page and went on to the next comic in their stack. Ha ha! Fools! But I know better! I know that all DC's $2.99 comic books are twenty pages long, even if they start off by saying that they're over!

It's up to Amanda Waller (fat again! Yay Rebirth!) to convince President Obama that he can shut his dumb lame duck fucking mouth!

The only problem with this whole program is that everybody fucking knows about it! Hopefully Rebirth makes it secret again!

It's hard to justify the Squad's existence on the basis that they take care of problems for America too sensitive for the government to deal with when all of the other governments know that when a team of supervillains attacks some organization within their borders, they're doing it on behalf of the US Government. And yet that's exactly how the last series, New Suicide Squad, began! Hopefully Rob Williams will make a better go at keeping the team covert.

I just realized the Jim Lee is drawing this book every two weeks (or, at least, eight or so pages of it, depending on how badly he fails his deadlines). Can he draw fat women?! Will Amanda be fat on issue and skinny the next?

Amanda's new plan for the Squad is to hire a war hero to lead the villains so that they retain some kind of moral compass and direction in the field. That hero is Rick Flag! Or Rick Flag Jr! Or Rick Flag the III! However he fits in, he's fucking Rick Flag, okay? Golden boy war hero! The man who can look Deadshot right in the eye and say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? That mustache is ridiculous." Rick Flag! The man who won't wind up putting his wiener in Harley's clown car! Rick Flag! The man who Captain Boomerang once called "the biggest buzzkill this side of some place in Australia!" I don't have time to research places in Australia! Just fill that quote in if you know of one. Like maybe New Zealand?

Hmm. Maybe all those things I said about Rick Flag? I must be remembering his father.

Apparently Rick Flag is in Guantanamo Bay, charged with terrorism. But it's not true! The terrorism charge is false! It's a--oh god--false Flag! Um, so, yeah, apparently Rick Flag refused to follow a superior's order because it would get his men killed. His men were forced to follow the order anyway and they were all killed. Somebody didn't like that Rick Flag was right and they disappeared him. And now Amanda Waller is here to free him! But not for free! He still has to do what she says and lead a team of villains on reckless and dangerous missions. For the good of the US of A, of course!

Amanda gives Flag the details of Task Force X. First she starts with the most important members: Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang. Sure, he's only called Boomerang since The New 52 but I'll always refer to him as Captain Boomerang since Boomerang sans Captain is part of that other universe. The one that takes place only in New York. Anyway, Amanda doesn't bother naming any of the other members because they're the ones who are likely to die. I mean, not Katana, of course. Or Killer Croc. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll find some disposable villains this time around. I trust Rob Williams to know the definition of "suicide".

Although how much can I really trust Rob Williams when the first mission he sends the Squad on is to rescue a scientist who has made a bomb that can turn off superpowers. I should probably just copy and paste the same rant into every single fucking comic book commentary I write since they all seem to use some kind of weapon that magically takes away superpowers. It's such a crutch! Although, to be fair, nobody currently on the Suicide Squad will be affected by the weapon since none of them have powers. It's just a threat to America that must be stopped before it gets used and creates another boring ass story I have to read about The Flash or Superman or Green Lantern losing their powers. So maybe I can trust Rob Williams! Maybe this is his way of saying, "My Suicide Squad is going to save the world from boring comic book tropes!" I would totally high-five Rob Williams if he were here right now and I weren't deathly allergic to giving high-fives to people older than four years old.

The scientist makes the ultimate mistake of telling the Suicide Squad that if he's captured, millions of innocent lives will be lost. Well, you know the easiest way to make sure the bad guys don't get their hands on him, right? Deadshot?

Or Boomer! Whatever!

I guess Boomer just got the plans for the bomb. Deadshot will have to deal with the scientist. Then they can dust off their hands and head back to America, heroes!

Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!

So, um, Rick Flag agrees to lead the team because it's either that or Guantanamo Bay until he dies. Go America!

The Review!
Rob Williams begins a wonderful new chapter in the history of the Suicide Squad! I can sense it! It's got all the makings of the Squad I remember. Waller alone in complete control. Rick Flag as the leader and moral compass. Deadshot and Captain Boomerang exchanging insults. Harley Qui...well, I guess some things are new. But the old Squad had Punch and Jewelee, so how different is Harley, really?! I'm looking forward to the Suicide Squad more than I have in a long time. I mean, Tim Seeley had a nice finishing run on New Suicide Squad. I could have seen him keep on keeping on with that version. But it seems like Rob Williams has a feel for the Squad. At least for the Squad I remember! And I only like things that I used to like and not things that are new!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19

Apparently Cheetah sprays when she gets scared.

Last issue ended with the Suicide Squad ambushing Superman and Wonder Woman in the Smallville Cemetary [sic (see Superman #4)]. I'm sort of hoping that they manage to kill Clark and put him out of his misery. This whole Truth, Justice, and the American Way story arc is the worst. It's even worse than George Perez's first arc in The New 52 Superman (an arc so bad that he abandoned it himself!).

Judging by the initial dialogue of the Squad members and the fact that Captain Boomerang is using actual boomerangs instead of energy boomerangs (plus he calls them "'rangs" which is just terrible), my guess is that this is a fake Suicide Squad! They're Doublegangers! Even Black Manta doesn't act like himself, standing back and not telling everybody else what to do. And why didn't Deadshot just snipe them from across the cemetary [sic]? Because he's a Doubleganger!

This is going to be a really short commentary because this fight with awful dialogue is taking up a lot of pages. Here's some of the worst stuff:

Ha ha! "But this is!" Classic Wonder Woman.

Can somebody run a brain scan on Peter Tomasi? This can't be the same guy who wrote all of those wonderful issues with Damian and Bruce and Alfred and Dick! I think there's something seriously wrong with him. It's either that or he feels the same way as I do about this shitty Superman story arc. Maybe he's rebelling against it by writing the worst comic books of his life! I can get behind that! Maybe I can enjoy this comic book by realizing that it's exactly as bad as Tomasi wants it to be. It's sabotage!

During the fight, Deadshot shoots up Clark with high-velocity, armor-piercing shells but he manages to take the assault in stride. So he's a lot more invulnerable than he'd like people to think. I have a feeling Superman is currently just strong enough to beat any enemy he needs to beat or just invulnerable enough to survive a battle he has to lose. It's so convenient when the audience has no idea just how much power Superman has lost recently.

The Suicide Squad is beaten and, lucky for them, Superman and Wonder Woman leave without taking them into custody for attempted murder. Why not just leave a bunch of dangerous super villains lying around in Smallville, right? I don't see any reason Superman would care! Nobody loves him anymore anyway. If those old bastards in front of the Barber Shop are murdered by Captain Boomerang seeking revenge for the beating, they probably deserve it.

After Wonder Woman pulls the bullets from Superman's body with her bare fingers, he tells her that he needs to go visit the White House.

I just don't fucking get it. Why is Superman tainted? What the hell happened? He'd better wind up blowing up an orphanage at the end of Superman #44!

As far as I can tell, everybody is angry with Superman for maintaining a secret identity. Are they all characters from Arrow? Their feelings are hurt because Superman lied to them? When did that become such a huge issue in stories? I guess that's how the second act break-up always happens in Rom-Coms, right? "You lied to me! I hate you!" But then they get back together by the third act because of some grand apology or romantic gesture. So is Superman going to have to make a mix tape for the people of Earth? Then will everything be alright?

Superman beats up the Secret Service and walks in on the president. Not in a rude way! He totally knocks and waits to be invited in and all! I bet it's not even the president. I bet Lex Luthor has been hired to take the president's place because he can best negotiate with/threaten Superman.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19 Rating: No change. The only reason I'm not giving this comic book a whole bunch of negative ratings which it deserves is because it's still better than Batman Loves Superman. But just barely! They can languish together at the bottom of the rankings. I spit on them!

New Suicide Squad #10

Killed by camels. Worst Squad ever.

I haven't pretended to do anything exciting lately so I'll just get on with reading the comic book.

Oh wait! I have one thing I want to mention! The clerk at one of the stores on my floor cleaning route last night is new. I thought I recognized his name--Dolfin--from way back in October and asked him if he began working at the 7-11 then. He said he wasn't even in the country in October. So I asked him where he was from and he said, "Ethiopia. It's a country in Africa." Thanks for embarrassing me, Americans! This guy thinks I don't know where Ethiopia is because you're all stupid jerks who can't bother to learn Geography! Of course I know where Ethiopia is! Rock stars saved it from starvation in the eighties with "We Are the World" and Michael Bread! After that video came out, nothing bad ever happened in Africa ever again.

Oh, I'm sorry for jumping all over you, Americans. It's not your fault our educational system is Eurocentric and we never actually learn anything about the individual countries of Africa. Is it our fault that we're taught to think of Africa as a continent and not as a whole bunch of nations as individualized and different from each other as the nations of Europe? Maybe if a World War had erupted there instead of just being the backdrop for some exciting tank battles we'd actually be taught something about the place.

This is a map of Africa based on my entire public education. I didn't include Ethiopia because I learned about it from MTV.

The issue begins with the Squad's League guide showing them around The League's school because even for a terrorist organization, education is important. Why is education so undervalued in America? I think it's because you don't have to be smart to get rich in a capitalist democracy. You simply need to be unethical, ruthless, and driven to make money at any cost. How does knowing a place called "Mauritania" exists help put dollars in my pocket?! Unless, you know, I can manipulate the people of Mauritania for my own ends. Can I do that?

Captain Boomerang is all, "But what does anybody do for fun around here?!"

Ugh. Work and extreme dedication are the worst.

Captain Boomerang (who is probably just Boomerang now but since that's a Marvel character, I'll keep referring to him as Captain Boomerang) gets his head slammed into the ground for daring to care about leisure activities and speaking flippantly. I would not fit into this League place at all!

I wish Captain Boomerang were not Australian but American so I could identify with him!

Meanwhile the Extraction Team is hanging out in the desert engaging in tomfoolery. Harley keeps shooting Parasite with rocket propelled grenades. Reverse-Flash is worried that it might attract undue attention but he doesn't seem to care that every time he runs at super speed he causes a sandstorm. You don't think anybody is going to notice that, Daniel? Reverse-Flash is Daniel West, right? It's so confusing having a Professor Zoom and a Reverse-Flash!

Last issue I was beginning to turn around on Sean Ryan writing this book. By this exchange, I'm completely on board.

Sean Ryan has found his mojo (unless it's his groove) on this title. Before Convergence, it was just a showcase for a bunch of high profile DC Characters. They were just names on the page to pull in readers. After Conversion, Sean Ryan is treating the super villains like people. He seems to have figured out the voices he wants to give to each of them and he's doing the best job I've seen on the Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. If he can keep up what he's been doing for the last issue and a half (minus the first three or four pages of last issue!), this comic might become a contender for my favorite DC comic book. And that's not an easy task to accomplish. I just wanted to get some actual review soundbites out of the way before slipping back into making fun of the comic book. Y'all often seem overly concerned when you can't tell if I actually like a book or not so now you know where I stand on the New Suicide Squad as of Issue #9.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage charms Amanda's assistant Bonnie into giving him a tour of the place. That jerk is working for Checkmate, isn't he?! Spy! Spy!

This is the scene where, if I were in the audience and it were taking place in front of me on stage, I would turn to my football player buddy and we'd high five as if we had something to do with it.

The Squad's first mission with The League (and hopefully their only mission since they should learn about The League weapons which is the first bullet point of the mission. After that, Bullet Point #2 is "kill lots of The League as you turn in your two week notice") will be to destroy a factory that is trying to synthesize Lazarus Pits. Because, as Tomorrow Thief puts it, "man was meant to die." Exactly! That's why the original incarnation of the Suicide Squad was so awful with Amanda's Lazarus Protocol in which she kept all of the Squad members alive. What a stupid plot point that was! Hopefully the Squad resists taking the factory for themselves! This team is packed full of heroes that aren't going to die, so it's probably tempting to throw in another resurrection device so that high profile members can be killed. But that really screws with the tension of the series and is the worst place a writer can go with it. I'm hoping this League guy's speech is simply Sean Ryan's way of emphasizing how idiotic the Lazarus idea was.

Boomer doesn't even want to go on the mission. He figures they saw the armory and that's good enough to tick the box on Bullet Point #1. But Black Manta wants to stay for the mission to find out as much as they can. But Boomer's all, "You heard they don't have weekends, right?!" And Black Manta is all, "I hate weekends! Aquaman loves weekends!" Boomer walks out to get some air while Deadshot sits around avoiding taking sides. Although he really can't take Black Manta's side since Black Manta seems to be falling in love with The League's ideals.

Later that night, Black Manta goes out on curfew patrol with the League Liaison (who might be Tomorrow Thief still but since I don't totally remember what he looks like and his name hasn't been mentioned in the comic, I just keep referring to him as their guide or liaison). They go to investigate the sounds of fun near the children's dorm and find Digger playing soccer with the kids. Captain Boomerang really never knows when to not poke authority. If Waller was never able to fully tame him, how is The League going to? They're probably only 15% as scary as Amanda Waller.

Digger is like Ozzy Osbourne and Socrates!

New Suicide Squad #10 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know what happened to Sean Ryan during Convergence but it must have been magical because he somehow returned with a Suicide Squad I don't think I've seen for many years. The characters all have distinctive voices now. Ryan's treating them as people and not costumes which is exactly how these characters need to be written. This book is not supposed to be about the flashy, popular characters. It's about severely broken people trying desperately to find something to live and fight for. Plus sometimes it's just about a few crazy criminals thrown on the team by Amanda Waller as fodder so the title actually means something. I truly hope this book can continue at this level (or better! Getting even better would be better!) but I hope Sean Ryan has found his center on this thing and has fallen in love with the characters he's writing. I would cross my fingers but I'll probably need them uncrossed to masturbate later.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #7

How convenient that Harley Quinn blows up in such a way that I can still look down her top! Thanks, DC Comics! I wonder if the "DC" stands for Male Gaze? No wait. Those letters are different.

Welcome back, Kiddies! Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is getting shit ratings, so we're going to change up the program. Like how I just said "shit." You kids are old enough to learn that sometimes the world spreads its cheeks and releases a flood of stinking diarrhea right into your face and shouting out words that make old people's anal sphincters pucker is the only way to feel any better. You also have to learn that when the money isn't rolling in, heads are going to roll. So empty your little fucking pockets and ante up for Mister Fuzzy, you got it? Chimps and Mopps will pass around the collection sack and if they don't see at least a few coins fall, you're gonna spend a few minutes in the dunk tank, you hear? And don't think it's going to be a happy fuzzy warm funtime in there because Chimps has been using it as an outhouse for the past two weeks.

I bet you're wondering why our ratings are falling, aren't you, you little shits? Well, it's a problem with the human condition, you see? Philosophically, we all like to think we're intellectually superior to the next bastard. But in reality, we're all just walking around on the verge of either crying, mentally breaking down, or bringing ourselves to orgasm for one brief moment of respite from the endless awful bleakness of existence. Most people don't want other people to see them in these moments. Most people want to avoid feeling in such a way that brings them to these moments. And the best way to do this is to stay distracted. And the best way to stay distracted is to engage in the most popular forms of entertainment. And the most popular forms of entertainment are sex and violence, sometimes together (unless you're in Germany). And guess what Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad has been lacking for several issues? That's right, Kiddies! Sex and violence!

I admit, there has been a little violence. But not enough! We want to see a recognizable super villain get his or her head blown off, don't we Kids?! Um, Kids? Stop looking so terrified, you little shits. Fucking cheer when Mister Fuzzy's voice raises to an exultant, jubilant fevered pitch and he throws his arms up in the air! You fucking got that?!

How about we watch some fucking cartoons while Mister Fuzzy takes a smoke break?

See Mister Deadshot pull his pee-pee out of his pants? See how it flips and flops around no matter how lovingly he caresses it? Poor Mister Deadshot! Deathstroke emotionally castrated him a few issues ago and now his gun just doesn't fire at all.

Oh no! See how the animators of this cartoon decided to go for a racist joke? Look at how fervently they enjoy their racism! "See how poorly Mister Red Goldstar flies!" they say! "Look at how he cannot fly straight at all because he is Chinese," they say! Boo! Hiss! Nobody supports your racist jokes, animators! We are all looking down our noses at you because statistically young, white males are the worst flyers! Probably. If that fact is wrong, then maybe you should not be relying on a children's show for your facts, Chuck Einstein.

Let me tell you a little story about maybe how the stereotype that Chinese drivers are horrible drivers may possibly have come about. Some years ago, your old pal Mister Fuzzy was trying to find work overseas. The kinds of circus acts I'm into aren't always "legal" here in the states. But China has some less than rigorous safety regulations, if you know who to bribe. So I was in Shanghai and let me tell you, Kiddies, you ain't probably never seen so many Goddamned people in all your life. Cars, cars, and more cars just trying to get from Point Yī to Point B. And the people! Holy fuck all of the people walking and on bikes! Well, you'd better believe that any point on the street where cars, people, and bikes all wanted to cross was going to be a fucking clusterfuck nightmare. If you had no balls at all, Kiddies, you weren't fucking making it to wherever the hell you wanted to go. So what did the pedestrians do? They just looked straight ahead and fucking went for it. Cars stopped and would never fucking go unless they just looked straight ahead and just fucking went. When the pedestrians chickened out, the cars went for awhile. Eventually some brave bastard would step out in front of the cars and force them to stop. And those brave bastards never once tried to make eye contact with the drivers. You make eye contact to see if you can go, you've already lost your chance. So it's just a day long game of chicken, pedestrians and drivers, just fucking hoping to get a chance to go. Meanwhile, bicyclists everywhere just kept fucking ringing those Goddamned bike bells! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING!

Oh fuck you, Timmy! That wasn't meant to be racist, you little prick! That was the noise the fucking bells made! Yeah, you little creep? You know what your name is now, you shit? Timmy Dunktank! Let's hear it for little Timmy Dunktank, Kiddies! Clap you mother fuckers. Show Mister Dunktank some love as he's escorted to his new seat.

Let's get back to the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad now! Where the fuck were they?

See Black Manta drive the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad to one of China's biggest economical mistakes! "I am driving," says Black Manta. "The Chinese Superhero crashed into the ground," says Boomerang. "Do you think that is racist?" "Ouch! My knee is sore," says Reverse-Flash. "I am cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Being mentally ill is fun and funny!" says Harley Quinn and all of her fans fall instantly in love with her. "It is sad that she has changed costumes and is not being abused by The Joker," they say as they sigh in their pants and cry.

The Funtime Squad enters the brand new, never inhabited Chinese city of Metropolis. Yes, Kiddies! An exact replica of Superman's favorite city! I wonder what adventures they'll have here? Maybe The Parasite has decided to start living here and he will approach them and say, "I would like to be on the team because it looks like fun and it seems like, according to the roster I am looking at with my own eyes, it must be very safe because DC's editors will never give the go ahead to kill any of you!"

Ha ha! Look, Kiddies, look! Amanda Waller is eating food! "Mmm! I love to eat food! Maybe I will eat a lot of food and become fat!" says Amanda. "We hope so!" say her fans because they love fat Amanda Waller. But it is too late, fans. It is too late! Fat or skinny, Amanda Waller has already been ruined by making her a bad-ass fighter with many martial arts skills and gun skills and killing techniques known only by master ninjas who only pass on the secrets of their killing techniques just prior to being killed by their students practicing the techniques. Just because she is fat it does not make her the old Amanda Waller. That Amanda Waller garnered respect by being a strong willed, tough as nails, in your face leader. People feared her attitude and the hell she could put them through. This Amanda can kill and has. So when she says, "Jump high!", her followers say, "Please do not kill me!" That is not the same. That is very different.

Back in Chinese Metropolis, Red Goldstar finds the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad and attacks! Pow! Bang! Such action, right Kiddies?! Raise your hands if you think somebody is going to die! Oh, put your cute little fucking hands down, you idiots. Maybe the final Man-Bat will die but that hardly counts. Unless it's Kirk Langstrom, it's just a fucking red shirt. We want to see one of the officers go down this episode! And there ain't no fucking Tasha Yar in this group!

While most of the team runs from Red Goldstar, Man-Bat attacks him. Of course he does! But why should he? Do Men-Bat not have any sense of self-preservation? Kids, the best thing you can have is a sense of self-preservation. You know those romantic ideas movies and television feed you about jumping in the path of a speeding car to shove a loved one out of the way? Nonsense! Let them get hit! What good does saving them do when you're dead? You don't get the satisfaction of knowing they lived! And now they have to live the life you supposedly couldn't live without them. You just resigned them to the hell that supposedly you were avoiding by saving their life! See how that kind of makes you a dick? Just let them get hit and then you can live with the misery and guilt. They're better off that way!

"I am a subtle critique of American military personnel," says the Man-Bat! "I am completely delusional," confesses Black Manta. "Put another shrimp on the Barbie. It's Australian for beer, Mate! That's a knife," stereotypes Boomerang.

All the team members decide to have some heart to heart conversations. That's part of being an adult, Kiddies! You're supposed to act interested in other adults. "Hello! I am an adult. You seem to be an adult as well! What is your occupation? Oh, that sounds interesting. I have always wanted to try that. You must enjoy it very much. I am dying to talk about the things that interest me but that would look rude so I must finish asking about you before we can talk about me which will hold my interest much better than this boring bullshit about your stupid life."

Reverse-Flash angers Harley by asking about The Joker. Harley makes more stupid faces and says The Joker sucks. But she doesn't really think that at all. I have seen the way she masturbates thinking about Mister J. Haven't I? Wasn't that in the Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special? Was that my fanfic? Oh, I think it was. Do you want to hear my Harley Quinn masturbation fanfic, Kiddies?

What? Masturbation is where you manipulate your genitals until you reach orgasm. Women jerk off their clitoris. Men do the same thing but their clitoris is called a boner. It's all very messy and essentially unsatisfying. Don't get me wrong, Kiddies! It's more satisfying than sex with a partner. But still, it leaves one feeling empty, exhausted, and drained of Qi.

Oh, my fanfic! Thanks for reminding me, Sally.

"Harley Quinn sauntered dreamily down the corridor leading to the bathroom. She caught a glimpse of her evening lover as she abandoned her slippers haphazardly in the hall. "Oh, Mistah Showa Nozzle," she whispered, hooking her index fingers into her black and red cotton panties. "Oim jus' drippin' loike a seive fer ya!" Her panties dropped around her feet and she cupped her pudenda shyly, turning slightly so Mister Shower Nozzle couldn't get a decent look at her budding flower of fragrant womanhood. She slipped a finger between her engorged outer labia, sliding it slowly into and down along her love clam before pulling it back out. A long strand of love juice dangled from her finger and glinted in the light as she reached up to switch the shower head to pulse. "Oh, I am gonna show you such a good toime, Mista S!" Harley Quinn bent over to turn on the faucet, paused for a second to glance back and admire her full, pale buttocks in the bathroom mirror. "Oh, Mistah Soap on tha rope! Yer makin' me blush with that suggestion! Although my tender derriere longs fer it!" As she turned the faucet, she heard the familiar clanking and screaming and whining of the pipes and then one single blast of rusty, muddy water shot out of the faucet, splashing the pale white porcelain of her face and the tub. "Christ on a fucking Segway! Some plumba is about ta die!" Harley slipped her panties back on, marched into her bedroom, found her oversized mallet and went in search of a head to obliterate. As she slammed the front door, the shower nozzle, frustrated, quickly rubbed one out before falling asleep."

Stop crying, you stupid brats. That was fucking beautiful!

"See, Tess, see? Somebody died? Can you please go back to calling this comic book the Suicide Squad?" says the comic book formerly known as Suicide Squad. Tess glances down at his fingernails, carefully adjusts the gold threaded purple robe covering his muscular, naked body, and glances down from where he sits upon his ivory throne atop a pedestal of black onyx. He narrows his eyes and replies, "No."

Red Goldstar goes crazy after Man-Bat's head explodes in his face. Apparently he's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being born amidst the death of his siblings. Bah, get used to it, Red Goldstar. If you don't have traumatic stress from some previous life experience, you haven't been paying attention. Isn't that how that bumper sticker goes, kids? Kids? Why are you looking so shocked and horrified now?

Oh. Um, yeah. I guess Timmy Dunktank don't swim too well, does he? Somebody throw a blanket over the tank please? I still have quite a lot of comic book to get through yet and I can't do it with a bunch of mewling, crying kids distracting me.

Red Goldstar decides he doesn't want to be like Man-Bat or the rest of the Funtime Squad. He doesn't want to follow orders. He doesn't want to follow commands. He wants to be his own person. Yeah, yeah. Capitalism and Democracy are better than Communism and Communism. Hey, Sean Ryan? Next time you jerk off on me, can you try to not be so direct because I can't stand getting semen in my eyes. Okay? Thanks.

The Chinese Military open fire on Red Goldstar because they're told to kill and they don't have a conscience, apparently. So Red Goldstar gets blasted through the replica Daily Planet causing the Daily Planet world logo to plummet to the ground.

"Oh no! I am sure to die," says Harley Quinn. "Oh my! Aquaman is about to be smashed to pieces," gloats Black Manta. "Ha ha! Someone other than me is going to die," jokes Boomerang. "I am die!" dies Red Goldstar. "Good bye, Clown! You had a good run!" puns Reverse-Flash backwardly. "Gasp!" gasps the audience who believe that DC Comics is really willing to kill off their Cash Clown of Comics!

New Suicide Squad #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I've been giving this comic book a hard time. With good reason, of course! But I thought this issue was fun and Victor Sage wasn't in it just confusing everybody, so that was good. Amanda blowing up Man-Bat's head was completely out of character and just vicious and mean. That was Sean Ryan writing Amanda as servant to the plot as oppose to writing her to her character. Maybe she's going crazy from eating too much Pulled Pork. Here is a great opportunity for Sean Ryan though! Red Goldstar really needs to join the team for a few issues before he's killed spectacularly. Maybe if that happens, I might think about changing the name of the commentary back to Suicide Squad. Or at least sticking "Suicide" somewhere in "Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime."

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6

Welcome back, kids!

Have you been desperately violent and overly narcissistic since last time, girls and boys? I sure hope so! I hope whenever your parents speak about you it's through gritted teeth and a throbbing migraine! You can't look at them as providers or protectors, kids! You have to see them as the first obstacle! They're that first hill you have to climb, the first river you have to ford! They're the iron gates keeping you from attaining all of your silly, bullshit, self-serving desires! What have they ever truly offered you except threats and orders, obligations and expectations? And every time they force you to do some irrelevant task or mundane chore, they smile that shit-eating grin and drone, "It's for your own good." Bah! The sooner you're done with those rats, the better! Think about it! Eighteen years of your life under the roof of their prison. By the time you get those years back on your own, your life will be half over! Half of half your life spent doing what they want, coerced into being the person they want you to be! It's not worth it! Get away from those devils as soon as you can!

Unless you can't afford to purchase any Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad merchandise without their help. Then you'd probably better go apologize.

Where did we leave off last week, Kiddies?! I can't hear you? What was that? Oh yeah! Harley Quinn and the other characters that hardly matter were about to battle a bunch of Chinese mutant super heroes! Who's ready to see a Man-Bat explode?! Raise your hands! Oh yes. YES! So many tiny hands thrusting in the air seeking blood and flesh and eradication! Yes, my children! YES!

See Victor Sage come to terms with his role! "I am a mistake," says Victor Sage! "Yes, you are indeed a mistake," says the man that makes more money than Victor. "Good! That is settled then," sighs Victor thinking about his big fat unemployment check he will get for sitting around the house in his underwear and playing Call of Duty. "Yes, it is settled. You must try harder not to be a mistake," says the man drinking his whisky from a metal cup. "Shoot!" pouts Victor as he watches his daydream fly away on little angel wings. "Bye bye, good life! Bye bye!" Victor waves.

Look at Sean Ryan wasting the first page admitting to the readers that he's not going to back away from his mistake because it might seem like he didn't know what he was doing! But everybody reading already knows that he didn't know what he was doing by putting Victor Sage in charge of the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Never be afraid to just pour the gas, light the match, and walk away while everything burns, Kiddies! Don't waste time sticking with and defending your bad decisions! Don't think other people won't know how badly you messed up just because you won't admit that you made a mistake. They know! And now they know you're also a stubborn cuss that would rather go down with a sinking ship then admit they drove that boat straight into an iceberg. Don't compound stupidity like Sean Ryan is doing here. Was teaming up Sage with Waller a mistake? You bet it was! Is keeping him on because he doesn't want it to look like he was a mistake erasing the mistake? Fudge no!

No, no. We don't have any...look, this isn't a candy store, kid. Just sit still and look enthused for the camera when it pans across the audience, okay? If you want some fudge, beg it out of your parents later. You're sidetracking me, kid. Now sit still and just do what the cards that clown is holding up say, okay?

"Who puts a big red button that releases monsters right on a wall for anybody to hit it?" screams Harley making a dumb face. "It did not even have a plastic box with a lock on it like most offices have so that the cold people do not change the temperature of the office and so that the warm people do not also change the temperature of the office!" Black Manta makes a face that nobody can see because he is wearing a saucer on his head. "You should not go around hitting big, unlabeled buttons, Harley. Even in China!" he says helpfully.

Reverse-Flash runs slowly around the warehouse planting bombs when he should be running fast because that is the only thing he is good at. How do we know he's running slowly, kids? That's right! Because he's talking normally with Black Manta as he plants the bombs! If he were running fast, Black Manta would be saying, "Hunh? What is that weird Dopplery noise and where is it coming from?" instead of "I'm getting tired of excuses."

I bet that's another thing you kids are tired of hearing, isn't it?! How many times have your parents asked you why you were late or why you didn't get your chores done? And then when you give them an answer to the why, they say, "I am tired of excuses." If you did not want to know the answer to your "why" question, Parents, then why did you even bother asking it? Is the only acceptable answer to the question of "Why didn't you do your chores?", "Because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't respect you"? If so, why even bother asking the question. How about just saying, "I see you didn't do your chores. Please do them now and don't make me ask again or I will break your most favorite thing." I bet that would work!

See Reverse-Flash's knee explode? That is what happens when you put too much stress on a crappy machine like the human body. "Run fast, legs!" says Reverse-Flash! "We are running as fast as we can," say Reverse-Flash's legs. "POP!" says physics! And also, "Ha ha!"

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller tells her assistant, "The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is terrible!" And her assistant says, "Turn that frown upside down!" And then Waller says, "You are terrible!" And her assistant says, "Somebody has a case of the Mondays!" And Waller says, "You are the dumbest person on the planet." And then the assistant says, "Want a pulled pork sandwich?" And Amanda says, "Who doesn't?!" And they laugh and laugh and hug and become the best of friends over the most ubiquitous menu item in every gentrified neighborhood across this great, gentrified land!

Do you know what "gentrified" means, kids? It's a word that means rent is on the rise because the neighborhood is getting better due to an influx of outside cash and the need for upper middle class people to purchase lower value properties in neighborhoods with "personality!" And then the neighborhood gets even better and more expensive when the "personality" is priced out and must find a cheaper, dirtier, more dangerous part of the city to live in! It's a wonderful thing that brings many great features to a neighborhood! Like toy stores full of useless toys that don't have any points of articulation because they're actually art! And you'll never want for another DJ at your next block party because guess how many new DJs have just moved into the neighborhood?! Like a million!

Later, Victor Sage goes to a bar to cry in his beers.

"Why are there no women in this bar?" says Victor Sage. "I know all about you," says a strange person. "Oh no! That is against the rules," cries Victor Sage. "Not my rules! If you want to follow my rules, you should contact me at my job at Checkmate!" said the stranger. "Okay!" shouted Victor Sage and then added, "What are those holes in the bathroom stalls for?"

Back in China, a Chinese Superhero that is fully baked is about to wake up before the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad can plant all of the bombs! And Reverse-Flash hardly placed any of them because he was blabbing instead of working. And the other members saw Reverse-Flash dawdling and thought, "I am not going to do more work than he is!" So then they began dawdling even more than he was dawdling! That's what you get when you cut corners during the hiring process, Kiddies! You end up like Black Manta walking around the warehouse muttering to himself, "I can't flippin' place all these bombs all by my flippin' self, stupid lazy workers. Gosh darn it. Gotta finish the job so I guess I gotta do it myself. Boy are they all gonna get fired."

The Man-Bats return to lay down their lives so that Black Manta, Harley Quinn, Reverse-Flash, and Captain Boomerang can escape. The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad pays them back by blowing the explosives while most of the Man-Bats are still in the facilities. But don't think those deaths are going to get the name of this program changed back to Suicide Squad! Oh no! It's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad until somebody with a secret identity dies on a mission! Not some loser nobody shot up with Man-Bat serum.

The fully cooked Chinese Superhero with the red costume with gold stars on it survives the explosion which is probably too bad because that means the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad failed in their mission. Also, they're lives are now at risk as this Chinese Maniac goes after them to get revenge for his dead brothers and sisters and lumps of living flesh and monsters and freaks and mutated messes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I almost gave it a "no change" ranking but then I got to a double page splash of an explosion and it felt like a slap in the face. And nobody likes a slap in the face! Especially when it involves slapping money out of my wallet and into the bank account of DC Comics! The art in this thing is already terrible and then they waste two pages with a dumb explosion? Hmm, maybe I should be thanking them for saving me from two more pages of terrible art.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

Birds of Prey #34

Now King Shark doesn't look like a hammerhead. Does DC Comics not have one single fucking reference picture for this character?!

Gail Simone mentioned that she thought it was a shame that Birds of Prey was cancelled. She's completely wrong. The comic was horrible for a good portion of its New 52 run. It was a confusing mess that never went anywhere and never made any sense while Swierczynski was writing it. The characters acted like fucking idiots with no memory of any of their own past actions, and that was even when Choke wasn't stealing their memories. Birds of Prey should have been canceled before Christy Marx took over. She spent way too much time trying to remold the clay. And then she found out it wasn't clay she was working with but shit. It's been decent to fun for a few issues now that Marx has finally got the shitship entirely under her control. But it's too late to save it. And, at this point, who fucking cares?

What DC should have done is cancelled it before giving it to Christy and then rebooting it under Christy Marx a few months later in the same way they did for the Teen Titans and the Suicide Squad. I don't think DC has enough writers willing to waste their time washing and cleaning and fixing characters the way Jeff Lemire did for Green Arrow. At this point in The New 52, just jettison shitty books and bring them back with new creative teams a few months later. That way you don't have to hurt Ann Nocenti's feelings every time you remove her from a book so that a better writer can take over. DC can just tell her, "Oh, sorry. The book wasn't doing very good and we had to cancel it." Then bring it back in a few months! Ann Nocenti won't even notice because she's too busy researching topics on Wikipedia and taking notes on the lingo! Now if only she would learn how the lingo is used instead of just dropping it into the comic book helter skeletor!

Before I begin reading this issues, let me just say a little prayer. Please hold hands with any stranger near you and lower your head. But not so much that you can't read the prayer since I won't be reading out loud for you. You're going to have to do that yourself.

"Dearest God who art in wherever thou art, Owl be thine name. Please don't let Ann Nocenti irrevocably fuck up Klarion the Witch Boy. You saw how maltreated Katana was at her hands, did you not? Of course you did! You see everything! I know I never ask you for anything, mostly because I don't believe you exist, but if you do this one thing for me, I promise to never masturbate again. I bet you get that deal all the time, don't you, God? It must be disgusting! Having to imagine the hands clasped in prayer are covered in jizz and vaginal secretions? Gross! Anyway, here is the thing I would like for you to do, and if you can't do it, I hope Christy Marx does: please kill Condor. Make him dead in the way that comic book characters die where they don't ever come back. I don't know how you do that but please do it. Maybe have him explode on an island but show his head wash up on shore and his body being devoured by Killer Krill. Or sharks! Yeah, do the shark thing! Sharks are better. Sorry, sorry! I probably shouldn't tell you how to do your job. Should I be capitalizing your pronouns? Anyway, you do that and I'll be forever grateful and crap! Thanks a ton, God! Your friend, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't have read that prayer since I signed it from myself. Oh well, it can't hurt, right?

Oh! One more thing, God! Please let Amanda and Kurt have a baby named Havana! That will make me look really impressive to my readers. Thanks!

Amanda's big secret is that Kurt only married Dinah to make her happy. Wait. Why is that a secret? Am I missing something? Maybe Amanda took too many blows to the head before revealing her secret. She's probably just confused and will mention Havana in the next scene between Black Canary and herself. Until then, it's time for more battling between the Squad and the Prey.

Boomerang battles Batgirl and I think she wins when she's offended by Digger calling her weapons "boomerangs" and she says, "They're batarangs!" That's showing him, Babs! Strix battles Harley until Deadshot comes along and puts a five or six bullets into her.

I don't think people "dodge" bullets as much as flinch, shit, and scamper in random directions.

The battle is derailed when a bunch of terrorist thugs attack. Since Batgirl needs to keep the hostage safe, she figures she can lose Condor in the upcoming battle and sends him off with Mambety (the hostage!). And then she asks Deadshot to help her defend Mambety from the thugs attacking them with weapons. She even calls him "gun guy" so she knows exactly what she's doing. She's basically hiring Deadshot to kill these people! I suppose it's not too different from hiring a Talon to work on your team.

With his daughter Havana? Dancing on Condor's grave?

I haven't scanned any pictures of King Shark yet but, trust me, he gets bigger in every fucking panel he appears in. Where is that reference pic for King Shark, DC?!

Canary and Waller end the battle and their teams go their separate ways. As they leave, Digger says he could go for a couple of Foster's. I knew he was only pretending to be Australian!

Later, Kurt chooses Amanda over Dinah and Dinah tries to cry on Barbara's shoulder. But Barbara's shoulder has gone cold! She's all, "We were once best friends but not anymore because this book is cancelled and this is as good a reason as any to break up the Birds of Prey! I hate you!" Then she kills Condor and everybody lives happily ever after.

Oh! I forgot about Strix! Mother Eve offers to give Strix a Stephen Hawking voice so that she can communicate with the Batgirl. I bet the first thing she says is, "You have a Bat-Everything and you couldn't even come up with a Bat-Tablet for me to write messages on?!"

Birds of Prey #34 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to rate it as the worst comic book that was ever written because Condor lived no matter how many times I wrote he died and then deleted the sentence because I was hoping he'd die later. Finally, he didn't die so I just left in that he died because I hate him and I wish he'd died. If DC ever comes out with a New 52 Who's Who, I'm skipping the "C" issue. All in all, this run of Birds of Prey has been shitty at its worst and not as shitty at its best.

Birds of Prey #33

A perfectly good pun ruined by Black Canary kicking Amanda instead of punching her.

I seem to remember last issue ended with the Birds of Prey in a sparse African landscape being confronted by the Suicide Squad. Obviously, Canary and Amanda will be moving the action to a city later. Hopefully this fight takes place at Condor's funeral after King Shark bites off his head which was crushed by Harley's hammer and riddled full of Deadshot's bullets. I won't even mention where the boomerang wound up.

His pee pee hole! I couldn't resist mentioning!

I'm one of those people that can't help spilling beans all over the place. If somebody tells me something in confidence that I'm not supposed to mention to anybody else ever, I can do that. No problem. That secret is safe with me! Especially if it's a really boring secret since I have more important things to remember that involve me. But if somebody begins telling me something and then adds, "You can't tell X or Y I told you!" or "Q can't know that you know!" then forget it. All bets are off! I don't keep a fucking spreadsheet in my mind so I can keep track of who can know what information and who can't know what I know. Because if I have some information that is okay to tell any number of people, that information will be used for a really good fucking joke at some point! And that joke might be made in front of the people that aren't supposed to know the information or know that I know it or whatever.

The good thing is that I'm really honest about how unreliable I am with secrets! Most of my friends know that if I know something that shouldn't be known by somebody else, I shouldn't be allowed near the person that shouldn't know! So at least they can kind of keep me in check since I can't be bothered to remember all of that shit. And if somebody begins a statement with conditions on who can know the information, I'm very upfront about saying, "I don't want to know. If you value whatever thing you're afraid to lose if this person finds out, do not fucking tell me!" If they insist on telling me, then I insist on apologizing immediately for when I will invariably let the information slip.

That had nothing to do with Birds of Prey! Why don't I have an editor? Shouldn't an editor be sending this back to me with notes on it saying, "What the fuck was that, stupid?" and "Stay focused on the comic book, dickbreath." Then I'd have to fire them for using the term "dickbreath" because using that as an insult is like saying there is something wrong with people who like to put dicks in their mouths. And everybody with a dick knows that those people are fucking heroes.

I don't use the word "hero" lightly in my every day life! You'll never catch me calling your every day average soldier a hero! Seriously, show me that you saved a brown person's kitten or something and maybe I'll call you a hero. But to earn the title hero for just not knowing what to do with your life so you joined the military? Bah! If that's you and you want to be called hero, I need to see a dick in your mouth.

That was probably really disrespectful to military personnel, wasn't it? I blame the editor I don't have who would have stopped me from printing that last paragraph! Damn you, Matilda!

I just know my editor would be named Matilda. "Matilda the Hero" everybody in the office would call her. No, not because dicks and mouths! Because she would bring fresh baked, frosted brownies to work every day!

This issue is called "Pretty Lies and Ugly Truths." I really like that title because it's an ugly truth in and of itself. I once wrote some thing where I challenged Keats's phrase, "Truth is beauty; beauty, truth. That is all you need to know and knowing is half the battle." I think that's pretty close to the exact saying. Anyway, my response was thusly thus:

Beauty isn't really truth. Nor is truth beauty. Beauty is an illusion. A cover-up. It's misdirection and sentimentality and illuminating and inspiring and awesome. But truth is harsh and ugly and blunt and the bottom line. Art is a lie that both conceals and reveals at the same. And why would someone want to believe the lie? Who wants to live forever in eternal bliss when we have the cold, hard truth of the grave awaiting us? Right, Lyle?

Lyle was some guy that asked me a question back when I co-wrote a website called No Apologies! Press. He asked this question: "Why do some people, who seemingly live in the same world that I do, believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible, or a bunch of other like-type books for that matter?" Surprisingly, I took the side of the people that believe the literal interpretation of The Bible. Probably because Lyle asked his question as if I was automatically going to agree with him. Lyle, you dick! Stop trying to put the answer to the question inside the fucking question! But also thank you for naming my other project, "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs."

"Tess! Start writing about the fucking comic book or no brownies for you, you shit-that's-having-trouble-sliding-out-of-an-old-lady's-sphincter!" Matilda would probably yell. What a taskmaster!

The fact that King Shark is eleven times bigger than he's been in the past is less disturbing than the pouches all over Deadshot's chest.

I've thought about it for awhile and I've come to a realization: I'm really excited about Ann Nocenti's Klarion the Witch Boy! She fucked up Green Arrow, Katana, and Catwoman so badly that I can't wait to see how much worse she can get turning Klarion's witchy powers into a metaphor for technology out of control! Oh she's going to shit all over that assignment, isn't she?!

What do you think Deadshot keeps in his ammo pouches? My guess is lipstick, lifesavers, a butt plug, and some handi-wipes. If they were bigger, I'd suggest he keeps some chum in one of them to partial out to King Shark like Scooby Snacks.

Oh, the fight has started! I should probably comment on that! So Condor uses his telekinetic powers to send Deadshot's bullets back at Deadshot, destroying Deadshot's wrist guns. It must take an awful lot of practice to think-stop bullets! How does that even work? I guess you don't actually have to see the thing you want to telekinetically control? I don't think anyone can actually answer that question because I don't believe anybody has telekinetic powers, no matter how many people I hear say they do on Coast to Coast AM.

What about those people that go on Coast to Coast AM to tell everybody what heaven is like! I can understand that they've either deluded themselves so deeply that they truly believe that any thought that enters their head is fact, so if they think, "Heaven has shooting ranges," then heaven must have shooting ranges. But what about the people that call in and believe these people?! Now they want to believe so badly that they're willing to listen to anybody that can self-publish a shitty little book that falls into George Noory's hands just when he's desperate to fill a slot on a slow night.

Black Canary battles King Shark and she's got some questions of her own, like "Does King Shark have ears?" and "How heroic would I be if it's a shark's penis?"

How cute! King Shark's belt buckle has a picture of his girlfriend, Dolphin!

Luckily for Boomerang who was going toe to toe with Strix, Amanda Waller intercedes and orders the Squad to stop fighting. She and Black Canary go way back. Really way back! Back to a time when Amanda was fucking Dinah's husband! I don't think they've had a chance to clear the air about that. Some words might need to be exchanged.

Four words in particular!

Is this where Amanda confesses about her and Kurt's love child, Havana?!

After Dinah flies off with Amanda, the Birds of Prey versus Suicide Squad grudge match continues. I think the odds have actually evened out with Black Canary gone. Deadshot sans guns versus Condor sans psychic power and charisma and anything likeable at all. Captain Boomerang sans Captain versus Batgirl sans sans. And Strix taking on King Shark and Harley Quinn. As for Dinah versus Amanda? I think that match up is too close to call. Although if it were Preboot Amanda, I'd put my money on her.

Jesus Christ, Christy Marx! In one page, you made the entire convoluted Team 7 and Black Canary history actually make some kind of sense!

I should probably give some of the praise to the Birds of Prey editors as well but fuck them! Are their names on the cover? Nope! The colorist is now more important than they are! Which, you know, is how it should be. Those editors need to stop thinking they're writing the books! Stop trying to come up with story ideas and just come up with where everybody's going for lunch.

Oh! It looks like he kept pistols in his pouches! That, um, makes, um...what?

The issue ends with the Birds getting the better of the Squad and Amanda telling Dinah, "You want the truth?! Well, you're not going to like it very much at all! It's worse than lies, you know?! It's going to be really bad! Your stomach will feel queasy! But I'll tell it to you! By God, I'll tell you the truth all right! I'm about to tell it to you! Here it goes! I'm saying it now:...." And then, Next Month: Things Fall Apart. Whatever! I wanted to hear about Havana!

Birds of Prey #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book has finally turned around! The only thing I still remember from the Swierczynski days is how to spell his name! Christy Marx has finally been able to make this book her own now that Kurt has been found and the Birds are working with Mother Eve. It just has one little fault. It's such a small fault that I don't think I should even bother to mention it. It's just that it's so annoying that I'd feel remiss if I didn't end my review by pointing out how Christy Marx is doing this book a disservice. The one thing she needs to change is the alive status of Condor. Just that! One niggling little detail! Fix that and this book is aces!