Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19

Apparently Cheetah sprays when she gets scared.

Last issue ended with the Suicide Squad ambushing Superman and Wonder Woman in the Smallville Cemetary [sic (see Superman #4)]. I'm sort of hoping that they manage to kill Clark and put him out of his misery. This whole Truth, Justice, and the American Way story arc is the worst. It's even worse than George Perez's first arc in The New 52 Superman (an arc so bad that he abandoned it himself!).

Judging by the initial dialogue of the Squad members and the fact that Captain Boomerang is using actual boomerangs instead of energy boomerangs (plus he calls them "'rangs" which is just terrible), my guess is that this is a fake Suicide Squad! They're Doublegangers! Even Black Manta doesn't act like himself, standing back and not telling everybody else what to do. And why didn't Deadshot just snipe them from across the cemetary [sic]? Because he's a Doubleganger!

This is going to be a really short commentary because this fight with awful dialogue is taking up a lot of pages. Here's some of the worst stuff:

Ha ha! "But this is!" Classic Wonder Woman.

Can somebody run a brain scan on Peter Tomasi? This can't be the same guy who wrote all of those wonderful issues with Damian and Bruce and Alfred and Dick! I think there's something seriously wrong with him. It's either that or he feels the same way as I do about this shitty Superman story arc. Maybe he's rebelling against it by writing the worst comic books of his life! I can get behind that! Maybe I can enjoy this comic book by realizing that it's exactly as bad as Tomasi wants it to be. It's sabotage!

During the fight, Deadshot shoots up Clark with high-velocity, armor-piercing shells but he manages to take the assault in stride. So he's a lot more invulnerable than he'd like people to think. I have a feeling Superman is currently just strong enough to beat any enemy he needs to beat or just invulnerable enough to survive a battle he has to lose. It's so convenient when the audience has no idea just how much power Superman has lost recently.

The Suicide Squad is beaten and, lucky for them, Superman and Wonder Woman leave without taking them into custody for attempted murder. Why not just leave a bunch of dangerous super villains lying around in Smallville, right? I don't see any reason Superman would care! Nobody loves him anymore anyway. If those old bastards in front of the Barber Shop are murdered by Captain Boomerang seeking revenge for the beating, they probably deserve it.

After Wonder Woman pulls the bullets from Superman's body with her bare fingers, he tells her that he needs to go visit the White House.

I just don't fucking get it. Why is Superman tainted? What the hell happened? He'd better wind up blowing up an orphanage at the end of Superman #44!

As far as I can tell, everybody is angry with Superman for maintaining a secret identity. Are they all characters from Arrow? Their feelings are hurt because Superman lied to them? When did that become such a huge issue in stories? I guess that's how the second act break-up always happens in Rom-Coms, right? "You lied to me! I hate you!" But then they get back together by the third act because of some grand apology or romantic gesture. So is Superman going to have to make a mix tape for the people of Earth? Then will everything be alright?

Superman beats up the Secret Service and walks in on the president. Not in a rude way! He totally knocks and waits to be invited in and all! I bet it's not even the president. I bet Lex Luthor has been hired to take the president's place because he can best negotiate with/threaten Superman.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19 Rating: No change. The only reason I'm not giving this comic book a whole bunch of negative ratings which it deserves is because it's still better than Batman Loves Superman. But just barely! They can languish together at the bottom of the rankings. I spit on them!

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #7

How convenient that Harley Quinn blows up in such a way that I can still look down her top! Thanks, DC Comics! I wonder if the "DC" stands for Male Gaze? No wait. Those letters are different.

Welcome back, Kiddies! Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is getting shit ratings, so we're going to change up the program. Like how I just said "shit." You kids are old enough to learn that sometimes the world spreads its cheeks and releases a flood of stinking diarrhea right into your face and shouting out words that make old people's anal sphincters pucker is the only way to feel any better. You also have to learn that when the money isn't rolling in, heads are going to roll. So empty your little fucking pockets and ante up for Mister Fuzzy, you got it? Chimps and Mopps will pass around the collection sack and if they don't see at least a few coins fall, you're gonna spend a few minutes in the dunk tank, you hear? And don't think it's going to be a happy fuzzy warm funtime in there because Chimps has been using it as an outhouse for the past two weeks.

I bet you're wondering why our ratings are falling, aren't you, you little shits? Well, it's a problem with the human condition, you see? Philosophically, we all like to think we're intellectually superior to the next bastard. But in reality, we're all just walking around on the verge of either crying, mentally breaking down, or bringing ourselves to orgasm for one brief moment of respite from the endless awful bleakness of existence. Most people don't want other people to see them in these moments. Most people want to avoid feeling in such a way that brings them to these moments. And the best way to do this is to stay distracted. And the best way to stay distracted is to engage in the most popular forms of entertainment. And the most popular forms of entertainment are sex and violence, sometimes together (unless you're in Germany). And guess what Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad has been lacking for several issues? That's right, Kiddies! Sex and violence!

I admit, there has been a little violence. But not enough! We want to see a recognizable super villain get his or her head blown off, don't we Kids?! Um, Kids? Stop looking so terrified, you little shits. Fucking cheer when Mister Fuzzy's voice raises to an exultant, jubilant fevered pitch and he throws his arms up in the air! You fucking got that?!

How about we watch some fucking cartoons while Mister Fuzzy takes a smoke break?

See Mister Deadshot pull his pee-pee out of his pants? See how it flips and flops around no matter how lovingly he caresses it? Poor Mister Deadshot! Deathstroke emotionally castrated him a few issues ago and now his gun just doesn't fire at all.

Oh no! See how the animators of this cartoon decided to go for a racist joke? Look at how fervently they enjoy their racism! "See how poorly Mister Red Goldstar flies!" they say! "Look at how he cannot fly straight at all because he is Chinese," they say! Boo! Hiss! Nobody supports your racist jokes, animators! We are all looking down our noses at you because statistically young, white males are the worst flyers! Probably. If that fact is wrong, then maybe you should not be relying on a children's show for your facts, Chuck Einstein.

Let me tell you a little story about maybe how the stereotype that Chinese drivers are horrible drivers may possibly have come about. Some years ago, your old pal Mister Fuzzy was trying to find work overseas. The kinds of circus acts I'm into aren't always "legal" here in the states. But China has some less than rigorous safety regulations, if you know who to bribe. So I was in Shanghai and let me tell you, Kiddies, you ain't probably never seen so many Goddamned people in all your life. Cars, cars, and more cars just trying to get from Point Yī to Point B. And the people! Holy fuck all of the people walking and on bikes! Well, you'd better believe that any point on the street where cars, people, and bikes all wanted to cross was going to be a fucking clusterfuck nightmare. If you had no balls at all, Kiddies, you weren't fucking making it to wherever the hell you wanted to go. So what did the pedestrians do? They just looked straight ahead and fucking went for it. Cars stopped and would never fucking go unless they just looked straight ahead and just fucking went. When the pedestrians chickened out, the cars went for awhile. Eventually some brave bastard would step out in front of the cars and force them to stop. And those brave bastards never once tried to make eye contact with the drivers. You make eye contact to see if you can go, you've already lost your chance. So it's just a day long game of chicken, pedestrians and drivers, just fucking hoping to get a chance to go. Meanwhile, bicyclists everywhere just kept fucking ringing those Goddamned bike bells! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING! CHING CHING CHING!

Oh fuck you, Timmy! That wasn't meant to be racist, you little prick! That was the noise the fucking bells made! Yeah, you little creep? You know what your name is now, you shit? Timmy Dunktank! Let's hear it for little Timmy Dunktank, Kiddies! Clap you mother fuckers. Show Mister Dunktank some love as he's escorted to his new seat.

Let's get back to the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad now! Where the fuck were they?

See Black Manta drive the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad to one of China's biggest economical mistakes! "I am driving," says Black Manta. "The Chinese Superhero crashed into the ground," says Boomerang. "Do you think that is racist?" "Ouch! My knee is sore," says Reverse-Flash. "I am cuckoo for cocoa puffs! Being mentally ill is fun and funny!" says Harley Quinn and all of her fans fall instantly in love with her. "It is sad that she has changed costumes and is not being abused by The Joker," they say as they sigh in their pants and cry.

The Funtime Squad enters the brand new, never inhabited Chinese city of Metropolis. Yes, Kiddies! An exact replica of Superman's favorite city! I wonder what adventures they'll have here? Maybe The Parasite has decided to start living here and he will approach them and say, "I would like to be on the team because it looks like fun and it seems like, according to the roster I am looking at with my own eyes, it must be very safe because DC's editors will never give the go ahead to kill any of you!"

Ha ha! Look, Kiddies, look! Amanda Waller is eating food! "Mmm! I love to eat food! Maybe I will eat a lot of food and become fat!" says Amanda. "We hope so!" say her fans because they love fat Amanda Waller. But it is too late, fans. It is too late! Fat or skinny, Amanda Waller has already been ruined by making her a bad-ass fighter with many martial arts skills and gun skills and killing techniques known only by master ninjas who only pass on the secrets of their killing techniques just prior to being killed by their students practicing the techniques. Just because she is fat it does not make her the old Amanda Waller. That Amanda Waller garnered respect by being a strong willed, tough as nails, in your face leader. People feared her attitude and the hell she could put them through. This Amanda can kill and has. So when she says, "Jump high!", her followers say, "Please do not kill me!" That is not the same. That is very different.

Back in Chinese Metropolis, Red Goldstar finds the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad and attacks! Pow! Bang! Such action, right Kiddies?! Raise your hands if you think somebody is going to die! Oh, put your cute little fucking hands down, you idiots. Maybe the final Man-Bat will die but that hardly counts. Unless it's Kirk Langstrom, it's just a fucking red shirt. We want to see one of the officers go down this episode! And there ain't no fucking Tasha Yar in this group!

While most of the team runs from Red Goldstar, Man-Bat attacks him. Of course he does! But why should he? Do Men-Bat not have any sense of self-preservation? Kids, the best thing you can have is a sense of self-preservation. You know those romantic ideas movies and television feed you about jumping in the path of a speeding car to shove a loved one out of the way? Nonsense! Let them get hit! What good does saving them do when you're dead? You don't get the satisfaction of knowing they lived! And now they have to live the life you supposedly couldn't live without them. You just resigned them to the hell that supposedly you were avoiding by saving their life! See how that kind of makes you a dick? Just let them get hit and then you can live with the misery and guilt. They're better off that way!

"I am a subtle critique of American military personnel," says the Man-Bat! "I am completely delusional," confesses Black Manta. "Put another shrimp on the Barbie. It's Australian for beer, Mate! That's a knife," stereotypes Boomerang.

All the team members decide to have some heart to heart conversations. That's part of being an adult, Kiddies! You're supposed to act interested in other adults. "Hello! I am an adult. You seem to be an adult as well! What is your occupation? Oh, that sounds interesting. I have always wanted to try that. You must enjoy it very much. I am dying to talk about the things that interest me but that would look rude so I must finish asking about you before we can talk about me which will hold my interest much better than this boring bullshit about your stupid life."

Reverse-Flash angers Harley by asking about The Joker. Harley makes more stupid faces and says The Joker sucks. But she doesn't really think that at all. I have seen the way she masturbates thinking about Mister J. Haven't I? Wasn't that in the Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special? Was that my fanfic? Oh, I think it was. Do you want to hear my Harley Quinn masturbation fanfic, Kiddies?

What? Masturbation is where you manipulate your genitals until you reach orgasm. Women jerk off their clitoris. Men do the same thing but their clitoris is called a boner. It's all very messy and essentially unsatisfying. Don't get me wrong, Kiddies! It's more satisfying than sex with a partner. But still, it leaves one feeling empty, exhausted, and drained of Qi.

Oh, my fanfic! Thanks for reminding me, Sally.

"Harley Quinn sauntered dreamily down the corridor leading to the bathroom. She caught a glimpse of her evening lover as she abandoned her slippers haphazardly in the hall. "Oh, Mistah Showa Nozzle," she whispered, hooking her index fingers into her black and red cotton panties. "Oim jus' drippin' loike a seive fer ya!" Her panties dropped around her feet and she cupped her pudenda shyly, turning slightly so Mister Shower Nozzle couldn't get a decent look at her budding flower of fragrant womanhood. She slipped a finger between her engorged outer labia, sliding it slowly into and down along her love clam before pulling it back out. A long strand of love juice dangled from her finger and glinted in the light as she reached up to switch the shower head to pulse. "Oh, I am gonna show you such a good toime, Mista S!" Harley Quinn bent over to turn on the faucet, paused for a second to glance back and admire her full, pale buttocks in the bathroom mirror. "Oh, Mistah Soap on tha rope! Yer makin' me blush with that suggestion! Although my tender derriere longs fer it!" As she turned the faucet, she heard the familiar clanking and screaming and whining of the pipes and then one single blast of rusty, muddy water shot out of the faucet, splashing the pale white porcelain of her face and the tub. "Christ on a fucking Segway! Some plumba is about ta die!" Harley slipped her panties back on, marched into her bedroom, found her oversized mallet and went in search of a head to obliterate. As she slammed the front door, the shower nozzle, frustrated, quickly rubbed one out before falling asleep."

Stop crying, you stupid brats. That was fucking beautiful!

"See, Tess, see? Somebody died? Can you please go back to calling this comic book the Suicide Squad?" says the comic book formerly known as Suicide Squad. Tess glances down at his fingernails, carefully adjusts the gold threaded purple robe covering his muscular, naked body, and glances down from where he sits upon his ivory throne atop a pedestal of black onyx. He narrows his eyes and replies, "No."

Red Goldstar goes crazy after Man-Bat's head explodes in his face. Apparently he's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being born amidst the death of his siblings. Bah, get used to it, Red Goldstar. If you don't have traumatic stress from some previous life experience, you haven't been paying attention. Isn't that how that bumper sticker goes, kids? Kids? Why are you looking so shocked and horrified now?

Oh. Um, yeah. I guess Timmy Dunktank don't swim too well, does he? Somebody throw a blanket over the tank please? I still have quite a lot of comic book to get through yet and I can't do it with a bunch of mewling, crying kids distracting me.

Red Goldstar decides he doesn't want to be like Man-Bat or the rest of the Funtime Squad. He doesn't want to follow orders. He doesn't want to follow commands. He wants to be his own person. Yeah, yeah. Capitalism and Democracy are better than Communism and Communism. Hey, Sean Ryan? Next time you jerk off on me, can you try to not be so direct because I can't stand getting semen in my eyes. Okay? Thanks.

The Chinese Military open fire on Red Goldstar because they're told to kill and they don't have a conscience, apparently. So Red Goldstar gets blasted through the replica Daily Planet causing the Daily Planet world logo to plummet to the ground.

"Oh no! I am sure to die," says Harley Quinn. "Oh my! Aquaman is about to be smashed to pieces," gloats Black Manta. "Ha ha! Someone other than me is going to die," jokes Boomerang. "I am die!" dies Red Goldstar. "Good bye, Clown! You had a good run!" puns Reverse-Flash backwardly. "Gasp!" gasps the audience who believe that DC Comics is really willing to kill off their Cash Clown of Comics!

New Suicide Squad #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I've been giving this comic book a hard time. With good reason, of course! But I thought this issue was fun and Victor Sage wasn't in it just confusing everybody, so that was good. Amanda blowing up Man-Bat's head was completely out of character and just vicious and mean. That was Sean Ryan writing Amanda as servant to the plot as oppose to writing her to her character. Maybe she's going crazy from eating too much Pulled Pork. Here is a great opportunity for Sean Ryan though! Red Goldstar really needs to join the team for a few issues before he's killed spectacularly. Maybe if that happens, I might think about changing the name of the commentary back to Suicide Squad. Or at least sticking "Suicide" somewhere in "Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime."

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6

Welcome back, kids!

Have you been desperately violent and overly narcissistic since last time, girls and boys? I sure hope so! I hope whenever your parents speak about you it's through gritted teeth and a throbbing migraine! You can't look at them as providers or protectors, kids! You have to see them as the first obstacle! They're that first hill you have to climb, the first river you have to ford! They're the iron gates keeping you from attaining all of your silly, bullshit, self-serving desires! What have they ever truly offered you except threats and orders, obligations and expectations? And every time they force you to do some irrelevant task or mundane chore, they smile that shit-eating grin and drone, "It's for your own good." Bah! The sooner you're done with those rats, the better! Think about it! Eighteen years of your life under the roof of their prison. By the time you get those years back on your own, your life will be half over! Half of half your life spent doing what they want, coerced into being the person they want you to be! It's not worth it! Get away from those devils as soon as you can!

Unless you can't afford to purchase any Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad merchandise without their help. Then you'd probably better go apologize.

Where did we leave off last week, Kiddies?! I can't hear you? What was that? Oh yeah! Harley Quinn and the other characters that hardly matter were about to battle a bunch of Chinese mutant super heroes! Who's ready to see a Man-Bat explode?! Raise your hands! Oh yes. YES! So many tiny hands thrusting in the air seeking blood and flesh and eradication! Yes, my children! YES!

See Victor Sage come to terms with his role! "I am a mistake," says Victor Sage! "Yes, you are indeed a mistake," says the man that makes more money than Victor. "Good! That is settled then," sighs Victor thinking about his big fat unemployment check he will get for sitting around the house in his underwear and playing Call of Duty. "Yes, it is settled. You must try harder not to be a mistake," says the man drinking his whisky from a metal cup. "Shoot!" pouts Victor as he watches his daydream fly away on little angel wings. "Bye bye, good life! Bye bye!" Victor waves.

Look at Sean Ryan wasting the first page admitting to the readers that he's not going to back away from his mistake because it might seem like he didn't know what he was doing! But everybody reading already knows that he didn't know what he was doing by putting Victor Sage in charge of the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Never be afraid to just pour the gas, light the match, and walk away while everything burns, Kiddies! Don't waste time sticking with and defending your bad decisions! Don't think other people won't know how badly you messed up just because you won't admit that you made a mistake. They know! And now they know you're also a stubborn cuss that would rather go down with a sinking ship then admit they drove that boat straight into an iceberg. Don't compound stupidity like Sean Ryan is doing here. Was teaming up Sage with Waller a mistake? You bet it was! Is keeping him on because he doesn't want it to look like he was a mistake erasing the mistake? Fudge no!

No, no. We don't have any...look, this isn't a candy store, kid. Just sit still and look enthused for the camera when it pans across the audience, okay? If you want some fudge, beg it out of your parents later. You're sidetracking me, kid. Now sit still and just do what the cards that clown is holding up say, okay?

"Who puts a big red button that releases monsters right on a wall for anybody to hit it?" screams Harley making a dumb face. "It did not even have a plastic box with a lock on it like most offices have so that the cold people do not change the temperature of the office and so that the warm people do not also change the temperature of the office!" Black Manta makes a face that nobody can see because he is wearing a saucer on his head. "You should not go around hitting big, unlabeled buttons, Harley. Even in China!" he says helpfully.

Reverse-Flash runs slowly around the warehouse planting bombs when he should be running fast because that is the only thing he is good at. How do we know he's running slowly, kids? That's right! Because he's talking normally with Black Manta as he plants the bombs! If he were running fast, Black Manta would be saying, "Hunh? What is that weird Dopplery noise and where is it coming from?" instead of "I'm getting tired of excuses."

I bet that's another thing you kids are tired of hearing, isn't it?! How many times have your parents asked you why you were late or why you didn't get your chores done? And then when you give them an answer to the why, they say, "I am tired of excuses." If you did not want to know the answer to your "why" question, Parents, then why did you even bother asking it? Is the only acceptable answer to the question of "Why didn't you do your chores?", "Because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't respect you"? If so, why even bother asking the question. How about just saying, "I see you didn't do your chores. Please do them now and don't make me ask again or I will break your most favorite thing." I bet that would work!

See Reverse-Flash's knee explode? That is what happens when you put too much stress on a crappy machine like the human body. "Run fast, legs!" says Reverse-Flash! "We are running as fast as we can," say Reverse-Flash's legs. "POP!" says physics! And also, "Ha ha!"

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller tells her assistant, "The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad is terrible!" And her assistant says, "Turn that frown upside down!" And then Waller says, "You are terrible!" And her assistant says, "Somebody has a case of the Mondays!" And Waller says, "You are the dumbest person on the planet." And then the assistant says, "Want a pulled pork sandwich?" And Amanda says, "Who doesn't?!" And they laugh and laugh and hug and become the best of friends over the most ubiquitous menu item in every gentrified neighborhood across this great, gentrified land!

Do you know what "gentrified" means, kids? It's a word that means rent is on the rise because the neighborhood is getting better due to an influx of outside cash and the need for upper middle class people to purchase lower value properties in neighborhoods with "personality!" And then the neighborhood gets even better and more expensive when the "personality" is priced out and must find a cheaper, dirtier, more dangerous part of the city to live in! It's a wonderful thing that brings many great features to a neighborhood! Like toy stores full of useless toys that don't have any points of articulation because they're actually art! And you'll never want for another DJ at your next block party because guess how many new DJs have just moved into the neighborhood?! Like a million!

Later, Victor Sage goes to a bar to cry in his beers.

"Why are there no women in this bar?" says Victor Sage. "I know all about you," says a strange person. "Oh no! That is against the rules," cries Victor Sage. "Not my rules! If you want to follow my rules, you should contact me at my job at Checkmate!" said the stranger. "Okay!" shouted Victor Sage and then added, "What are those holes in the bathroom stalls for?"

Back in China, a Chinese Superhero that is fully baked is about to wake up before the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad can plant all of the bombs! And Reverse-Flash hardly placed any of them because he was blabbing instead of working. And the other members saw Reverse-Flash dawdling and thought, "I am not going to do more work than he is!" So then they began dawdling even more than he was dawdling! That's what you get when you cut corners during the hiring process, Kiddies! You end up like Black Manta walking around the warehouse muttering to himself, "I can't flippin' place all these bombs all by my flippin' self, stupid lazy workers. Gosh darn it. Gotta finish the job so I guess I gotta do it myself. Boy are they all gonna get fired."

The Man-Bats return to lay down their lives so that Black Manta, Harley Quinn, Reverse-Flash, and Captain Boomerang can escape. The Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad pays them back by blowing the explosives while most of the Man-Bats are still in the facilities. But don't think those deaths are going to get the name of this program changed back to Suicide Squad! Oh no! It's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad until somebody with a secret identity dies on a mission! Not some loser nobody shot up with Man-Bat serum.

The fully cooked Chinese Superhero with the red costume with gold stars on it survives the explosion which is probably too bad because that means the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad failed in their mission. Also, they're lives are now at risk as this Chinese Maniac goes after them to get revenge for his dead brothers and sisters and lumps of living flesh and monsters and freaks and mutated messes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I almost gave it a "no change" ranking but then I got to a double page splash of an explosion and it felt like a slap in the face. And nobody likes a slap in the face! Especially when it involves slapping money out of my wallet and into the bank account of DC Comics! The art in this thing is already terrible and then they waste two pages with a dumb explosion? Hmm, maybe I should be thanking them for saving me from two more pages of terrible art.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.

Futures End: The Flash #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, as Goggles McDeathhurt and her lost tribe wander the Dusty Stretches, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea returns to the internet! Because Tess doesn't have a voice for radio and, anyway, the radio source could be tracked and somebody might not take too kindly to his not being dead like he's supposed to be. So Tess found a shitty little terminal still hooked up to an anemic internet with just the barest hints of life, somehow kept alive by super nerds spread across the globe. I don't know how it all works! I just write comic book fiction about comic book fiction! Logic hasn't merely been thrown out the window. It's been castrated, eviscerated, sodomoderated, and left to bleed out in the gutter. Also, logic is male, apparently. I mean, duh!

Hey loneliest of loneliest souls! Greetings from the Underworld. That's a joke about how I'm supposed to be dead because that woman with the crazy eyes and the broad shoulders and the swimming goggles tangled up in her wild hair supposedly stuck me like your morning breakfast was stuck before it was processed and shipped and sold and cooked and turned into your morning breakfast. Also it's a clue to my whereabouts which are underground! So far underground that you'd never find me even if you were a master spelunker. Master Spelunker isn't quite as clever as Master Debater or Cunning Linguist. Actually, it isn't clever at all. It's just two words that I put one after the other to describe something relatively mundane. Anyway, I have a comic book to read!

It's the Futures End version of The Flash and I wanted to read it today because our theme today is running! As The Flash television show once said so adroitly: "We are all running. Sometimes we're running from something. Sometimes we're running to something." So true! And profound! Sometimes when I'm just sitting, my nose begins running! Sometimes it runs a goddamned marathon! But before I read The Flash comic book, I want to present an essay I wrote a few days ago but I was feeling nervous and vulnerable about posting it so I didn't post it and now I'm going to post it because I think vulnerable people need to feel inspired by the idea that other people feel vulnerable. Take special note of the parts where I explain how much sex I've had throughout my life.

My Not At All Plagiarized Or Stolen Or Satirical Or Mean-Spirited Parody of Somebody Else's Essay
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea and not anybody else. Seriously.

I have had a privileged life. I mean, I haven't really. Not in the way white males think people mean privileged. But I'm white and male so I need to say I have led a privileged life because, you know! It's much easier to live without everybody telling me who I'm supposed to be or who I'm supposed to hate or how I can't have all the sex that I love to have. So at least I get to be me without any interference from society around me. I mean, mostly! Obviously I live in society (and have loads of sex in it) so it's going to be a jerk to me and scare me all the time because I have scaredy cat issues. But I didn't know I had scaredy cat issues until this woman who totally jerked me off while her fist was in my ass told me that I had scaredy cat issues. That was a good day. I mean, weeks! We totally did that for weeks.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm super vulnerable and it might look like I'm white and a man but life is still hard because it's hard for everybody even if it's harder for other people but, you know, it's still hard for me too! Like my dick when chicks are all up on it!

But I also cry and stuff although I didn't used to cry but now I cry but I'm ashamed of crying because of the white and male thing earlier, remember? But I think I'm also broken because didn't Douglas Coupland constantly write like twenty novels a day about how white suburban males are totally lost and broken? Hey! That's me and stuff! Plus all the sex. Remember the sex I constantly have. Not that that makes my life any easier. I'm still very vulnerable, of course!

And people need to know that they're not the only ones who feel vulnerable because this shit is easy but it's really hard, see? Inspiring! I probably should have said "inspire" a few times. But also "lonely" and "alone" and "together alone" and "deep throated throughout my thirties." Stuff like that would have made this more tear jerkery! Anyway, thanks for listening about how vulnerable and thoroughly sexed I am even though I'm a white male! The end!

See how we're all running? Or something! Hey look! A comic book!

What good is running fast if you lose time while running fast? You might as well just walk everywhere!

Reverse-Flash has escaped from prison but Forward-Flash is on the other side of the planet. So he isn't going to be able to stop Reverse-Flash from killing Wally West and crippling Iris West. Not that he knows that that's going to happen since he's The Flash and not The Psychic. But The Flash from thirty-five fifteen years in the future knows that it's going to happen so he's come back in time to stop it from happening. If he can time travel, what does it matter if he loses time? I think Flash needs to work on his interactions with reality and comic book logic.

Why does everybody in this comic book wear clothes that are five sizes too small for them? Oh, I remember why! Because Brett Booth is drawing it!

Future-Flash breaks the neck of Reverse-Flash because who hasn't been wanting to do that since Daniel West first appeared in this comic book! Pouty, whiny, woe is me asshole! Get a job! Preferably one that could really use a guy that can go backwards in time. Like maybe an executive at a Hollywood Movie Studio so you can see what movies are big hits then go back in time and produce them before the original person produces them.

Future-Flash also manages to save Iris and Wally.

All of their clothing is so goddamned fucking tight!

Forward-Flash is angry that Future-Flash broke Reverse-Flash's neck. He's all, "I didn't see that coming!" And Future-Flash is all, "He just ran out of time!" And Forward-Flash is all, "Stop running your mouth!" And Future-Flash is all, "Why couldn't Reverse-Flash urinate after having already pissed three times that day? Because he hit his Peed Limit!" And Forward-Flash is all, "Noooooo!" And Wally was all, "Holy shit! I can't wait to be Black-Flash so I can tell jokes all of the time!"

Future-Flash has determined that the Speed Force is broken because it was used in the wrong way. The only way it was supposed to be used was a very strict way which was Barry running really fast which was the only way to fix the Speed Force which naturally tends to break if left to its own devices. Or if used incorrectly. Or if stared at too long in a lascivious manner. Now the only way to fix the Speed Force is to travel back in time so that it breaks but it's also unbreaking because it wasn't as broken in the past even though traveling to the past is totally breaking it like crazy. Or something. I think the main thing is this: Forward-Flash must die! But not this version of him! The version of him five years prior to this one. I think. Since the cover of Issue #35 shows Forward-Flash fighting Future-Flash again.

I guess I should be calling this Futures End Forward-Flash "Not-Quite-As-Futury-As-Future-Flash-Flash." Except that doesn't really roll off the keyboard. And it doesn't make a clever acronym either.

Here's how you could have expended less effort: not stopped at all these pit stops along the way and just went straight back to your target time to kill The Flash which would have caused a chain reaction and stopped all the other things from happening as well.

Forward-Flash and Future-Flash cause some kind of feedback loop because as we all know you can't interact with yourself when time traveling! It's just bad news all the way around! Especially since you'll never be able to get the image of coming all over your duplicate's face out of your head. After the feedback loop causes an explosion spiral, Future-Flash is gone, Forward-Flash has half of his face melted, and Wally is now The Flash everybody but nobody has been waiting for. You know what I mean! He's the reboot version of a beloved prankster! And he doesn't have red hair. Obviously not the same character if he doesn't have red hair. Plus this Wally is a juvenile delinquent! Not because he's black! Because he just is! Or something.

Oh, don't worry about it. This moment of time has already ceased to exist! Probably. I mean, all of these moments will have already been excised from the future! Because Future-Flash will be defeated and Forward-Flash will fix the Speed Force and none of this will have ever already have been happening. Or something.

Hey! Have I mentioned how much I hate bad time travel stories and plots that depend on alternate future timelines?! I have? Oh, okay. Carry on.

Future-Flash arrives in the now to battle Now-Flash and, probably, Black-Flash. Just imagine how big that feedback loop will be! That wasn't a racial joke about the stereotypical size of a black man's junk. I guess it could have been if you thought that and found it funny. But it wasn't and if you found it offensive, it especially wasn't.

Futures End: The Flash #1 Rating: Wait. Am I still doing these rankings in the future? I think I stopped doing those like four years and eleven months ago!

The Flash #24

Reverse-Flash really is a stupid name, isn't it?

The Reverse-Flash story has officially gone on too long now. I am the arbiter of stories that have gone on too long which is why I said "officially" in the previous sentence. Mostly I'm just tired of typing a hyphen every time I have to type his name because the first try usually looks like this: Reverse=Flash. Or this: ReversFlash. That last one is because I hit the backspace instead of the dash. I apparently have no aptitude for typing with the pinky on my right hand. Plus, who gave it control of so many different keys on the keyboard?! It's shouldering so much of the work for such a tiny digit. It's got eleven fucking keys to manage and that's ignoring the Function keys across the top of the keyboard that I never really use. Well, I do use PrtSc occasionally but when I do, I hit it with my index finger. So that doesn't count.

The Flash has currently been dragged back in time to witness Reverse-Flash deal with his daddy issues. Also witnessing this: Reverse-Flash's alter ego, Little Daniel West and his sister, Little Iris. Little Iris and Little Daniel don't take kindly to their father nearly being murdered in front of their eyes, even if he was an incredible shitheel. Aren't the Shitheels a college basketball team?

Apparently going back in time and punching yourself in the stomach causes you to turn into a Werewolf.

The Flash beats Reverse-Flash by making him cry. Then Barry absorbs Daniel's powers, travels back in time, fixes time, travels forward in time, saves the world, and wonders how the fuck he did it all. I think Buccellato and Manapul also decided this story had gone on long enough and just decided to wrap it up in a few crazy double page montages that even The Flash doesn't really understand. Ta-da! Day saved! How? The Speed Force, bitches! It just works!

Iris hugs her brother and he says, "Fuck y'all! I'll change time and keep it changed next time! Which is now! But not really now. Just figuratively now because it's time travel and, well, you know. It gets kind of complicated." Then Iris goes, "My brother is an idiot!" And Dr. Elias screams, "Terror attack! Terror attack!" And The Flash goes, "U.S.A! U.S.A!" And his shadow is like, "Look at me! I'm a lightning bolt!" And Dr. Elias is all, "Let's make Salt Angels!" And the audience laughs and laughs.

Bazinga!

I think Barry has a Patty Party to get to now. Patty looks hot. Not as sexy as Iris in her Flash costume though. I'll miss that.

Afterward, Barry visits Dr. Elias to threaten him because Barry can't stand how he relies on science to figure things out instead of syrupy sentimentality. How dare he trust numbers and not his heart! He'd better fucking stop that or The Flash will put him in jail for Science Crimes!

Also afterward, Iris visits Daniel in jail to show him that she has a healthy relationship with her past even if a lot of it was crappy. She understands that changing the past kills who you are in the present. Maybe Daniel understands that as well. What he's really trying to do is an elaborate form of suicide. He can't stand who he's become and if he's going to kill himself, at least he can give the boy he was another life even at the expense of his sister's happiness. And probably a lot of other people's happiness as well! The scene also shows that Daniel still retains some of his Reverse-Flash powers. So he'll be back! What a shock, eh?

This is why Barry Allen is The Reverse Reverse-Flash!

Too bad for all The New 52 haters out there. Barry is currently against a new Flashpoint! Maybe he'll change his mind later when DC needs another infusion of cash.

The Flash #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Two years later and the initial run of The Flash is over! It really feels like the various plots up until this point have all sort of tied together to tell one long tale. It's been well told and had gorillas and time travel and an idiot named Mob Rule. Manapul and Buccellato have done one of the best jobs setting up their title hero's world. DC harped on about World Building early on in The New 52 but they fucked up a lot of it by trying to force connections quickly. The Flash's world has a really solid foundation now. A few other titles have also done this well. Scott Snyder's Batman. Williams and Blackman's Batwoman. I think Swamp Thing and Animal Man have as well, although with maybe a few more missteps than the others. Demon Knights and Dial H were killing it on the world building but DC gave up on those titles because comic book fans have no taste. I'm sure there are some others but this ain't no retrospective! It's The Flash commentary, man!

Reverse-Flash #1

Why does Reverse-Flash get an offensive attack? It's cheating bullshit, man. He should be called Cheating-Bullshit Man.

Flash's big power isn't that he goes forward through time. I mean, we all do that. And he actually does it more slowly than the rest of us, so he's not a time traveler. And yet Reverse-Flash's big power is that he can go backwards in time? I demand that Reverse-Flash run backwards from here on out. He can run super fast but only in reverse. That's the only way it makes sense and I'm all about only enjoying things that make sense!

This issue is about Daniel West and why he wants to change his past. Sounds simple enough!

Maybe you should have thought about the consequences before killing your mother, Daniel.

Now I see why time travel can't help Daniel West no matter how much he thinks it can. The only way his father is not going to be bitter and hate him is if he saves his mother. That probably means that the only way to save his mother is for him to never actually be born. Bit of a shit paradox there, isn't it, Daniel? But don't worry! Flashpoint made time travel impossible anyway! So I'm just ignoring all of these stories that are using time travel. No way they're actually in continuity. Which is great because it eliminates H'el and Harvest from the DCnU! Good riddance!

Daniel's plan isn't to get his father to love him anyway. That's good! I thought he had severe Daddy Issues like everybody else in the DC Universe! No, Daniel just wants to go back in time to kill his father. Oh. Fuck! Another one!

Daniel explains what was happening with him while all the other craziness was going down in Keystral City. He wound up in Mirror World with the Rogues and all the other citizens the Rogues saved from the Gorilla Invasion. But the Rogues just used the opportunity to rob everybody (good for them!) and Daniel didn't want to play along. Not like he had much cash anyway; he was just out of prison! Maybe he had a check but what the fuck are the Rogues going to do with that? Especially one issued by the federal government. Best to just leave that shit alone.

And that's how he got his Speed Force Powers. The end.

Bouncing among the mirror worlds and being blasted by the Monorail's Battery, shot Daniel and the monorail through the Speed Force and ejected him into the Salt Flats outside Keystral City. He was somewhat merged with the shrapnel of the monorail which explains why he can fire metal protrusions out of himself and why it looks like he's partially armored up. And that's all I need to know, right?!

Except it's not. Apparently I have to partake of his horrible luck getting caught by The Flash on a bank robbery just a couple days after Daniel turned eighteen. And I have to read about how Iris is bitter that Daniel ran away to leave her alone with their horrible father. And I have to see how Daniel's father drowned his crickets in coffee when Daniel was just twelve. Okay! I get it! The kid had a shit dad and some shit luck. But he also tended to take the easy way out and now he's paying for trying to constantly run away from his past.

Was that last sentence worth a bunch of Reverse Speed Force Points?

Oh, he also did one other thing that maybe is the thing he wants to go back in the past to change:

Instead of crippling him, I'm pretty sure he wants to make sure he breaks his fucking neck next time.

Daniel also makes me relive his last happy memory although I think it's ground I've already covered.

I bet Daniel West does change time so that he's never born which will cause Wally West to come into being through whatever differences take place in the timeline from that moment being changed.

When little Daniel and little Iris return home, they find their dad being choked to death by Reverse-Flash and Forward-Flash lying partially desiccated on the ground. Time travel is nothing but trouble!

Reverse-Flash #1 Rating: Nice informative issue that continues chugging right along with the plot happening in the regular series. So it's weird that a Villains Month issue had nothing to do with all the Forever Evil shit going down everywhere else. Especially since The Flash actually made an appearance here, so the story obviously isn't taking place anywhere around the time The Justice League disappeared.

The Flash #23

I find this cover more sexual than it should be. I think. I haven't read the story yet, so maybe my slight arousal is correct!

I keep wanting to discuss DC's decision to not allow Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer to marry but I don't currently have a Batwoman comic book commentary to put my thoughts in! And if you think I'm going to write a whole post on something that doesn't relate to a comic book I'm currently reading, thus putting me that much further away from reading Forever Evil, you've got another think coming! Although you should probably not strain yourself with two thinks within minutes of each other. Maybe you should text some friends or play a few levels of Candy Crush before you fire up another cognitive process.

Oh! But I just had another think and realized there won't be another Batwoman comic book for a full month! So I guess I'll just have to tie the thought into The Flash somehow. But I should go smoke a cigarette or walk the dog first because my head hurts from the two thinks I just thunked so closely together.

Okay! So let me begin by saying, "I agree with DC." Now, I don't agree with their decision to not let Kate and Maggie marry. I agree with their seeming corporate policy that marriage is bullshit. I simply don't see the need for most aspects of it in the modern age. But then I never plan to have children either which might be one of the few reasons I would grudgingly concede the argument for marriage. Also if you had a full time job with proper medical benefits and they only allowed your married partner to get the benefits as well, I'd probably go for it there too. Although that's more of a problem with our culture. Long term partners without a certificate should be accepted as marriage partners in all situations that legally would deny them their rights due as loved ones. But I think I'm getting off track.

My issue is that I don't need a government agency or a religious institution telling me who I should spend my life with and what permissions they've so charitably granted me for participating in their State and/or Religious Bonding Program. I was best man at Doom Bunny's wedding (if you're a regular reader, I shouldn't have to explain Doom Buny. If you aren't a regular reader, what the hell is wrong with you?) so I had to give that stupid best man toast thing that seems to be some kind of tradition or something. Luckily the speech came to me in a dream the night before the wedding. Also, I still can't believe Doom Bunny would allow me a soap box to speak at his wedding! Have you read some of the fucked up things that come out of my mouth (or typing hands)? Even though he made a poor decision in choosing his Best Man, I chose the high road and decided not to disparage marriage. So I began my speech by saying all the things about marriage that I had decided not to say like how wedding rings are the ultimate proof of purchase and analogies about spiders and flies and probably some other things I can't remember because I had been drinking a bit and nobody thought to record the speech. Just so you don't think I'm a bigger asshole than you already think I am, I did say some nice stuff too. I think.

It would be more accurate to say I'm not a fan of marriage than to say I'm against marriage. People want to get married? Fine. Go ahead! And I was looking forward to Kate and Maggie getting married because I think that whole dynamic would be brilliant. They're both strong and independent and would be extremely busy in their own lives fighting crime. But those story beats that would revolve around their marriage and making things work and maybe one-upping each other a bit on their jobs would have been a lot of fun. DC is wrong to not let them marry because it's another story that would be interesting, especially when told by good writers like Williams and Blackman. And nothing in comic books last forever anyway! There's no end to any comic book narrative except for Ted Kord's. But marriages do end and that would be a story for the future as well. Most likely it would end in Maggie's death. But then that leaves a new, great story to be told: Batwoman having to take care of Maggie's daughter whom Kate would have probably adopted by then. Can we say sidekick?! Battoddler! Actually, she's older than that but I couldn't resist saying, "Battoddler!"

Anyway, fuck DC and their overbearing editorial out-of-control control. They're going to lose all of their good writers because good writers have stories they want to tell as opposed to bad writers that don't mind telling stories editorial wants to tell mixed with some stories they want to tell so that eventually nothing makes sense because CONTINUITY IS IMPORTANT!

Last month, The Flash was about to be killed by Reverse-Flash when he had to take a break to visit a Jazz Club with Hal Jordan. Well now The Flash is back in the grip of Reverse-Flash and everybody is ready to find out who this fucker is! My theory is that he's Dr. Darwin Elias!

But that's Darwin and Reverse-Flash in the same panel. So my new theory is that it's Dr. Darwin Elias. From the FUTURE!

The Flash has the same problem I have. He thought Reverse-Flash was Elias but now that seems all wrong. But The Flash only has his Speed Mind power to figure shit out while I have whatever I have which is better somehow. It's all very technical and biological and if there are two classes I couldn't stand in college, it was Biology and Technicality.

This scene breaks down all manlike and shit with kicking to the faces and lasers being shot and words being spelled out in shadows. Better than typical comic book stuff but still typical comic book stuff. So I'm pretty excited when the scene shifts to Patty and Iris because women!

Patty is running tests on the DNA sample found on the piece of monorail lost in time. This issue blatantly states it's a blood sample so I guess I have to stop pretending that it was semen. Whatever. Thanks for ruining my fun, DC!

I love how long marriages are always seen as an accomplishment. It's not hard to remain with the person you love! People see this as an accomplishment by their own failures to maintain a relationship because their relationships are generally based on all the wrong things. The problem with most relationships is that they begin and end with sexual attraction. And sexual chemistry is not going to get you through thirty years of conversations over breakfast. Although who really needs conversation when you're rutting in the scrambled eggs, amirite?

After Patty leaves for her parents party, Iris sits around pouting that she never developed Speed Force Powers. Sure you did, Iris! But I bet they're all concentrated in your ova! Which means you'll eventually have a child with Speed Force Powers who will grow rapidly due to the Speed Force Powers and then come back in time as Reverse-Flash! Oh man! I just came up with a new theory! And since Patty's computer now says they've found a match for the semen blood sample, I can find out which of my theories is correct!

If it turns out to be something other than what I said, I'm just going to go back and edit one of my paragraphs to make it look like I guessed that theory too!

Back to the masculine half of the comic book, Reverse-Flash reveals that he wants to move time backwards to change things. He needs to kill all the other people connected to the Speed Force that cause time to move forward. So my third theory is that Reverse-Flash is actually Pre-Flashpoint Barry Allen trying to go back in time and keep his mother from being killed! I think that theory only has a 0.000023*% of being correct. I'm not explaining that asterisk in the notation for all y'all non-regular readers. I'm already pissed off at you for not spending more hours of your day wasting your time on my commentaries. Selfish jerks. Can't you see that my life is important to me?

Proof that DC is correct and relationship junk is stupid. Get back to the punching!

The comic book doesn't get back to the punching immediately. First it heads back to Iris's reaction to the DNA result and my final theory about Reverse-Flash, Serial Killer from the Future.

The only reason she'd get so emotional is if the DNA sample was her brother. His DNA would be on file for such a quick match because he's a convict. He wants to go back in time to keep whatever happened that sent him to prison from happening. Although I'm not sure how he got caught up in the Speed Force by being on the Monorail. I know it took a trip to Mirrorland but Speed Force World?

Perhaps the computer just pulled Iris's brother's (was his name Billy? I forget!) DNA as matching because it doesn't have Iris's future evil super baby on file. And Iris apparently gets impregnated by her brother. Hmm, this theory might be starting to get unsupportable.

So Iris's power comes out now and it looks like it might be the ability to stop time although it's hard to tell from a static comic book panel! But if she can stop time that makes her, technically and biologically, faster than The Flash!

The Flash and Reverse-Flash speed out of the city to go fight in those Salt Flats because who wants to draw a bunch of buildings in the background while you draw people punching each other? Boring! And Dr. Elias follows them out of town on what is apparently the fastest fucking motorbike in existence. He wants to shoot him with his laser thing because it will extract their speed powers and give them to Dr. Elias. I think I forgot about that part since last month.

In the ensuing melee, Reverse-Flash gets his hands on Elias's power draining laser and is about to shoot The Flash in the face and take his powers when...well, I don't know what. I did turn the page to find out but it was two advertisements for Forever Evil on facing pages! That sometimes happens in these books with fancy shmancy panel layouts and page designs. So now I have to wait a whole page turning second longer to find out if Iris West saves The Flash!

And she does! Because she's the fasteresterest because she can stop time! Or maybe she's just super fast.

Oh yeah. His name is Daniel.

I don't think I actually get credit for guessing the identity of Reverse-Flash after the writers basically have told me the identity of Reverse-Flash with the Iris scene. I wonder if I had already guessed Danial in a previous commentary? Who can remember?! Usually when I have to guess at some mystery, I just speculate as much as possible because on of my theories has to end up being correct. And then I can just link back to the commentary where I guessed right and prove my Master Comic Book Readerness!

Anyway, Iris blocks the laser blast which means she probably has her powers sucked away immediately after discovering them. That's okay. There were already too many speedsters. She also might be dead! But I doubt she's dead. Barry has to dump Patty and marry Iris at some point in the future. Oops! I mean have a long-term, uncommitted, on-again, off-again adventurous and drama-filled relationship with Iris.

The issue ends with Reverse-Flash reversing shit and some weird shit going down in Shittown. It's possible Daniel West was involved in Barry's mom's murder somehow because of his time travel shenanigans and also because all this shit has to fit together somehow! It's not like he's going to want to change the past because of something connected with Aquaman's life!

The Flash #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Look, it's been twenty-three issues. How many times can I say, "The Flash is consistently one of the best written and best drawn comic books of The New 52"? That isn't funny at all! So stop making me say it, Manapul and Buccellato! Fuck up once in awhile so I can compare you to Scott Lobdell!

The Flash #20

Last issue I said the book should have been dedicated to Carmine Infantino. Since this month, each comic had a one page dedication to Carmine, my guess is this story will be dedicated to him as well.

This morning I woke up thinking about Gopher from the Disney Winnie the Pooh movie. Could that character have been any worse?! You love a book for years and years and then when the movie comes out, they stick in a character that didn't even exist in the book! Really? Why don't you just come over to my house around breakfast and shit in my mouth, Mr. Disney? How dare you change anything from the book in the movie adaption?! It's like the book is all "words words words" and active reading and intelligent and imaginative. And then the movie is all "images images images" and passive watching and forcing us to now think of the characters the same way as everybody else and capitalist agendas! Okay, sure, the characters are basically based on the images from the book, images which forced their own image into every reader's mind already! But it was a book and therefore it's better! At least I can thank the movie for making it possible for me to run around telling everybody how much I hated the movie compared to the book so they'll see I'm a real fan of character and have been for more years than those lazy idiots who liked the movie!

The above paragraph was sponsored by every smarmy jerk that ever walked out of a movie theater, looked over at his friends and said, "The book was better." Fuck you, you pretentious twat!

I'm not saying "the book was better" is an inaccurate statement. But it's probably the most boring and obvious thing one can say whilst walking out of a movie based on a popular book.

Anyway, welcome to my mind coming out of the fog of sleep at four twenty in the fucking morning.

The Flash #20 begins with Reverse-Flash visiting Marissa (The Vibrator!) in jail as she writes a letter of apology to Gomez (Sprint!). Reverse-Flash undoes her letter to steal her time. I think he collects time this way so that he can travel back in time, possibly? Somehow it fuels him for something or other. This is still the first page so all I have is my usual speculation and nonsense to guide me. After reversing Marissa to the point where her letter only says "Dear Gomez", her head explodes. I think. Reverse-Flash says it's a price that must be paid for taking her time. Perhaps he just kills her himself so that he can keep the amount of time it took her to write the full letter.

Does anybody know anything about healthy eating? Are Oreos and unsweetened iced tea a bad choice for breakfast?

While Reverse-Flash is murdering Marissa, Barry Allen continues to try to pass.

Yes, I think Barry Allen is gay. He does everything fast except relationships. Something keeps holding him back. I suppose it could have something to do with his father being in jail for murdering his mother but I think he'd be the perfect character for portraying a gay man in denial of his sexuality. Not not knowing but struggling to constantly lie to himself about it. If Manapul and Buccellato could stick with The Flash for something like 120 issues, it would be fantastic to be able to write a character that is denying his own sexuality and constantly trying to fit in to a heterosexual lifestyle. But the writers would never explicitly state anything since Barry himself would be denying it so strongly. But imagine how fantastic something like that could be when Barry finally comes to terms with it ten comic book years down the line. And then people would go back and reread all the old Flash comics and just be amazed at how they never saw it before but after Barry comes out, it would all be so obvious because the writers knew it the whole time.

Hmm, I wonder if that's what Scott Snyder is doing over there in Batman with Bruce Wayne?

Dedication to Carmine and a Flash pun with "move on." Plus Part 1 of 6! Everybody strap yourselves in for the long haul!

Barry once again works at the Central City (or Keystone City?) police department now that he's officially back to life. But they gave him a job filing cold cases instead of doing his crime scene investigation lab work stuff he did previously. I think he might have a law suit somewhere if he wanted to pursue it! I would think if he did a spectacular job in the lab, the police force would love to put him back on that job. I guess he was just mediocre and they found somebody better. But the cold case room is in the basement, so that'll make it easier for Barry to change in to The Flash and come and go as he needs.

Stop acting so suspiciously, Iris West. Patty probably meant "sorry for interrupting you boys playing with the big glowing soccer ball," you tart.

I like ending sentences with a nice, short putdown. It's probably why everybody in my family hates me, the pricks.

Patty brings Barry news of Marissa's death. That makes two people that entered the Speed Force now dead. It's because Manapul and Buccellato gave them super powers. I bet DC has a policy that if a writer creates a new super hero, that writer must eventually kill the new super hero before they leave the book. It's to prevent future lawsuits when Manapul and Buccellato are old men eating out of dumpsters while DC rakes in millions from the new Sprint and Vibrator movie.

Barry just got through speaking with Iris, so he knows she's still okay. That means he feels The Flash should probably check up on Gomez. He finds him wearing a hat and a sweatshirt and being black in a subway which is really super duper suspicious.

With profiling abilities like these, you can tell The Flash is definitely a cop.

Gomez tells The Flash that Albert and Marissa were both killed by the same guy. But that's about all The Flash gets out of him before Gomez tears up the subway tracks and gets away while The Flash has to stay behind to save lives.

Later Barry checks out Marissa's corpse in the Central City Morgue. This causes him to think some things which eventually lead him to check out Albert's glowing soccer ball. Yes, the glowing soccer ball from earlier was created by Turbocharger, the first of Reverse-Flash's victims. It turns out the glowing sphere was a camera and it recorded Albert's death at the hands of a blurred figure wearing a lightning bolt on his chest! The Flash doesn't know anything about Reverse-Flash so he decides he should probably go check out that little asshole Kid Flash and talk copyright infringement.

The Flash #20 Rating: No change. Not enough Reverse-Flash for me or Carmine Infantino!