Suicide Squad Loves The Banana Splits #1

I feel like this comic book has a target audience of one and that one is me!

I used to watch The Banana Splits early in the morning before school back in early elementary school. They were sort of like The Monkees if the The Monkees were furries. I was sold on the show just from the opening theme song with The Banana Splits running around an amusement park. I can't really recall the plots to the shows but I get the feeling they were always trying to evade the landlord because they hadn't sold enough crack to pay the rent yet. My favorite part of Kick Ass (and pretty much the only part I remember) was when Hit Girl begins murdering the fuck out of people while The Banana Splits theme song played. I have that version of the theme song (and the original!) on my iTunes and I never skip it when it comes up. If only the Suicide Squad had such good music to accompany their crazy exploits.

That's my love of the Banana Splits half! My love for the Suicide Squad half begins with Ostrander's run post-crisis in the eighties. That's my favorite all time mainstream super hero comic book run of all time. I have to add all of those qualifiers because it can't really compare to my love of Elfquest or Cerebus or Transmetropolitan or The Sandman or definitely not Shade the Changing Man or Astro City or Planetary or Strangers in Paradise or many others. But for a super hero comic book from DC or Marvel? Totes my fave! It did shit no other comic book at the time was doing. Like, um, things you wouldn't believe! Adult things that didn't have to do with sex (but if they had, it would only have made it better!). Also, that's where Oracle was created! And the eventual reveal of who Oracle was might be one of the greatest and most satisfying reveals in comic books. Those kinds of things are hard to pull off! Unlike me who is easy to pull off! Get it?! I come quickly!

The issue begins with The Banana Splits nearly being gunned down by overzealous cops on their way to play the Whisky-a-Go-Go. They've traded in their Banana Buggies for a military grade Humvee. I guess they finally figured out how to sell all of their crack. Or maybe their music took off.

I feel like they're making light of a monstrous problem in our society!

It turns out the violent cops who turn up to taze the Banana Splits work for somebody known as "The Boss Lady." That could be Amanda Waller although it goes against the spirit of the Suicide Squad to hunt down an innocent band of non-criminals for recruitment. They must really be selling drugs to get by! It's also possible they're being kidnapped by a female super villain to use their music against the world. Sort of like how the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band's instruments were used for evil by Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, and the Future Villain Band (aka Aerosmith).

While the Suicide Squad are on another mission going tits up (which sounds great but it isn't for some reason), The Banana Splits have been sent to Belle Reve for some reason? Resisting arrest, I guess? Oh! I bet the cops found all the crack they were trying to sell for rent in the trunk of the Humvee. Unless Humvee's don't have trunks. I guess it was in Snork's trunk.

In Belle Reve, the Banana Splits act the same way The Monkees would act if they were sent to prison. They really are pretty much the same exact group. But I think The Banana Splits were meant for a slightly older audience.

Deadshot, Katana, Flag, and Killer Croc are in serious trouble on their mission. So Amanda is all, "I know how to save you! I'll send some prisoners who haven't actually been convicted of anything yet and probably shouldn't be in Belle Reve at all but are because otherwise it would have been too hard to figure out how to do this crossover! Also, they're musicians whose only experience with violence is through slapstick. Although to make this entire premise more palatable, I'm watching a fight scene on the lunchroom monitor right now explaining how The Banana Splits are great fighters because one of them is a gorilla, one is a lion, and one is an elephant. So don't worry, Deadshot! You'll be safe in one quick music montage chase scene!"

I wonder which one is going to die?

The Suicide Squad apparently weren't as on the verge of death as Waller was led to believe. After the Banana Splits parachute in to save the Squad, the Squad save the Banana Splits. It really just seems to be Rick Flag whose life is in danger. The threat? It's the same threat as in the mid-80s Apple IIe game, Wasteland! The AI of a robot factory has achieved sentience and decided to make millions of robots to cleanse the world of humankind. I guess that's the same plot as in Terminator as well. And probably a whole bunch of other stories from the 80s. We were really afraid of machines in the eighties. I didn't eat toast for twelve years. I still eat my Pop Tarts uncooked like a barbarian!

Snork comes up with a plan and then Harley describes the plan to Amanda. In doing so, we have a new piece of verified canon that I'm currently adding, in Sharpie, to my Who's Who entry of Rick Flag.

"Likes being fingered in the butthole during sex."

Some people might want these Hanna-Barbera crossovers to be alternate universe stories. But remember if you choose to believe that, you can't know for sure that Flag needs one up the bum to orgasm.

The mission is successful and the Banana Splits choose to remain in Belle Reve so they can shed their bubblegum pop image and become hard core idiots. Fuck that nonsense! Bubblegum pop forever!

The back-up story is about Snagglepuss. I bet at some point, he exits stage left! Probably to go suck a dick. The story is by Mark Russell with art by Howard Porter so I'm bound to like it. I'm sorry, Steve Buccellato, that I have no opinion at all on your coloring skills.

I don't remember Snagglepuss being so philosophical! Maybe I was watching his cartoons incorrectly!

I bet Snagglepuss and Foghorn Leghorn would have made a cute couple. Volatile, but cute!

The Ranking!
I don't rank one shots and specials! Unless sometimes I feel in the mood to rank them. Today isn't one of those days.

All Star Batman #8

That fraction really should be reduced to 5/3, right?

The Review!
There are stories that are told over and over again. Perhaps it's because the writer is lazy, or because the story holds too much truth to be heard just once, or because people realize that the audience constantly changes so that what is old to some is new to others. Time travel movies where something terrible is happening and the protagonist believes going back in time can stop it from happening only to find that by going back in time, they've caused the problem. Zombie movies where everybody eventually dies at the end because the zombies are an analogy of the inevitability of death. Movies where the protagonist is convinced they've gone insane and that the world they inhabit is all one big lie created by their delusional mind desperate to believe they have some kind of control over the world.

This comic book is that last one. I wish I were one of the new generations of audience who hadn't heard this story multiple times previously so that I could think, "Boy am I glad I spent five dollars on this story!"

Anyway, The Blackhawks are back, so that's cool, right? For some reason, they want to kill Batman. That reason will probably be revealed next issue.

That back-up story that's trying to convince everybody why we should like Duke keeps not convincing me.

The Ranking!
-2! I'm not sure if I can justify paying the exorbitant cover price to keep reading this comic book that keeps disappointing me.

Deathstork #13

Once again, I've spent all the time I have to read this comic on Photoshopping the cover.

Joseph Wilson — who is Catholic, I guess? — begins the issue by leaving the woman he has yet to marry but is currently sleeping with in bed while he goes to confess his sins. That seems like a pretty laid back religion, right?

I wonder if he'd be so forgiving if Joseph confessed to putting his pee-pee in a man's boo-boo?

Catholicism can be summed up in this one boring anecdote I'm about to anecdotally anecdote now: in college, my friend Soy Rakelson (whom I've spoken about before because he's the go-to guy for stories about homophobia, white anger, hypocritical religion, and mocking the disabled) found himself in a religious dilemma. He wanted to fuck a girl whom he wasn't married to. That wasn't the dilemma. He didn't think once that that was a problem, probably because confession awaited him where he could brag to the priest about getting some pussy. No, the dilemma was whether or not he should use condom. He didn't want to get somebody pregnant but the Pope said birth control was abhorrent! That's pretty much religious people in a nutshell. As long as they feel they're strictly adhering to the most controversial religious mandates, the other shit that they're not supposed to do but that they really, really, really want to do doesn't matter. God will understand banging that sorority girl! But he might not look so kindly on using a condom!

Although, really, what is God's problem with birth control? I hope that argument doesn't stem from Onan because that story wasn't about sex at all. It was about business deals and honoring your father. God was only mad about Onan spilling his seed because he had a contract to get his brother's wife pregnant and he broke that contract. God wasn't all, "Oh shit, dude! You're only supposed to ejaculate if it's going to have a slight chance of ending in pregnancy!" No, God was more like, "Dude! DUDE! You promised your dad that you'd impregnate your dead brother's wife! He didn't just give her to you to use as a cum-dumpster (which you totally jizzed on the side of anyway, you miscreant)!"

I think I got the voice of God exactly right.

Meanwhile, Red Lion critiques Deathstork's old uniform while Deathstork battles Raptor. Raptor stole Deathstork's Ikon suit which has forced Deathstork to wear his orange and blue suit with the boots and gloves with enormous cuffs. It's so embarrassing. At least he didn't have a Nightwing disco collar. I wonder what George Perez was on when he designed those outfits. Probably Quaaludes and monkey semen.

I don't know if monkey semen was an actual drug in the eighties or if being coked out of your mind led to people blowing apes. Maybe none of those things happened. I think I'm just remembering my Planet of the Apes/American Psycho slash fiction.

Deathstork is a better overall fighter than Raptor but Raptor is indestructible while the Ikon suit's gravity sheath is in place. So Deathstork needs the Ikon's AI (which sounds like Wintergreen because Doctor Ikon had a huge boner for Wintergreen (much like Slade does!)) to shut down the gravity sheath. Unfortunately, it can't do it. But it might know somebody who can! Like maybe the kid of some guy who stole his lover's suit after killing him and, incidentally, that lover was the creator of the Ikon suit? You know? Joseph!

Oh, for some reason — probably to add drama and tension to the story — he wants Isherwood (Doctor Ikon, RIP!) himself. That seems like a lot of trouble when he could just get Joseph to shut down the suit, as he noted in this exact conversation!

Deathstork realizes he's wasting time battling an enemy he can't currently stop so he turns his attention to Red Lion. He knows Red Lion lured him here for a reason and he figures they should just get around to being honest with each other so they can get the work done and they can all go their separate ways. Also, it'll buy time for Joseph to get the Ikon suit shut down so that Slade can kill Raptor.

Red Lion's plan makes sense but I'll just turn it into a bunch of convoluted statements about his penis so let's just leave it at the theft of this aircraft carrier benefits Red Lion, Raptor, and Deathstork. So they should all work together! Which they do! Sort of! I mean, it wall works out in the end for all of them. Mostly? Red Lion gets a ship, Deathstork gets evidence that could convict his ex (which he destroys, dum-dum!), and Raptor gets radiation poisoning!

Oh, plus Deathstork gets his Ikon suit back.

And I guess he's fucking his son's fiance?

The Ranking!
No change! One of the best things about this comic book is that Priest isn't just filling a story about Slade with minor characters with which he can interact. He's telling the story of a bunch of characters whose lives all revolve around each other. I'm hoping Raptor gets more involved than just this story, now that he's been sucked into Deathstork's gravity sheath.

Wonder Woman #16

Imagine the chimera. At one point in the ancient world, a goat was bad-ass enough to stick on a lion to make it tougher.

• I bet the legend of the Chimera began when a drunk guy was walking home and he saw a lion off to the side and in the distance behind the lion was a goat so that it looked like the goat's head was sticking out of the back of the lion. Then he told people about the creature and they were all, "Bullshit! Didn't happen. Pics." But instead of admitting he was drunk and maybe he didn't exactly see things clearly, he doubled down on his story and was all, "And there was a snake coming out of its butt! And it breathed fire!" Then everybody was all, "Oh shit. Now that sounds plausible!"

• The Chimera on the cover is totally based on the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual Chimera. But the Chimera Wonder Woman wrestles on the first page is the more historically accurate Chimera. What I'm suggesting is that Jenny Frison plays Dungeons and Dragons.

• Veronica and Adrianna of Empire Business and Hand Soap Solutions discuss Wonder Woman and how great or not-so-great she is. Adrianna is all goofy in the pants for her but Veronica remains distant and aloof to the possibility that maybe Wonder Woman is the greatest thing to ever happen to immigration. They're busy working on a thing that will cause Wonder Woman no end of problems in the odd numbered issues. But right now in these even numbered issues, Empire Business and Hand Soap Solutions still don't know how much they despise Wonder Woman or how much the hand soap is hurting the rest of their business.

• Meanwhile in Geneva, Switzercountry, Veronica's daughter, Isadore, meets a couple of men who seem to be the same man. They begin using all the regular chat-up lines on Isadore like "This painting is called 'Kill Your Father' and 'We're twins' and 'Have you ever seen a man's stick this big and fancy?' and also, the best, 'Gaze into my magic gem of secrets!'"

• After her encounter, Isadore loses her face.

This is probably some kind of metaphor for sexism, right?

• The twins who stole Isadore's identity are Phobos and Deimos. Those are the gods of Vietnamese Soup and Gay Gods, respectively. That doesn't explain why they would need the face of a little girl. Maybe I got the translations of their names wrong.

• Phobos and Deimos are, of course, the moons of Mars. Apparently they've taken human form and this is going to wind up being a Martian Manhunter crossover. Maybe they needed the little girl's face so they could build more face art on the surface of Mars.

• The Phobros believe that Empire Business and Hand Soap Solutions can meet their needs. They would like to know the location of Themyscira but they can't seem to find it in Diana's head. So they need Veronica's not-quite-ready-to-go technology. It will probably be ready in about five or six years. Once they get the information, Isadore will be freed from some tartar sauce.

• Adrianna volunteers to hook herself up to the CyberWalker machinery. That probably explains why she's a hologram in the odd numbered issues. Unless they were, at one point, the even numbered issues. It's hard to say since there was that stupid Barbara Minerva Cheetah Origin story smack dab in the middle of everything.

• Being that the technology is in that not-quite-ready-to-go status that I so scientifically detailed earlier, it fails to provide the Phobros with the information they need. But it does manage to kill Adrianna! I mean, trap her mind inside a computer. That's the way things work when you attach brains to machines and then turn switches and run currents and all the other technological stuff that I can't be bothered to explain to dullards. Not that you, the person currently reading this right now, are a dullard! It's all those other people reading this.

The Ranking!
No change! When I was a teenager and way too naive for the age I was, I wished the local zoo had been full of creatures from Dungeons and Dragons. That's not a great chat-up line in junior high. I can only tell you the not great chat-up lines from junior high since I never figured out the successful ones. That's no great surprise though since one time, Marilyn Mendoza, the girl I had a crush on for nearly my entire junior high school life, was writing notes back and forth to me in the library. Her final note to me said, "I love you anyway," and I instantly went into a fugue state. I would explain how Marilyn reacted but, as I pointed out, I went into a fugue state! Totally botched that one!

Deathstork #12

I got the half-finished variant cover!

• I fucking know, Actually Nerd! Shove your actually up your fucking ass!

• This story is called "Twilight" so I'm pretty excited about that. I love vampires. Especially vampires who are super fucking old but look so young that nobody blinks if they go around fucking high school girls. Those vampires are the creepiest kind.

• I wonder if Vampire Tim Drake from the future will appear in this story!

• The issue begins with wheelchair bound Pat (a former Vigilante) being visited by Slade Wilson. He's got a message for Pat: Luis will live! Well, thank somebody for that! The readers were all kinds of worried about what was going to happen to Luis. Maybe not all of the readers. Most of the readers probably thought, "Who the fuck is Luis?", before shrugging their shoulders and turning the page. The other handful of readers knew Luis was Pat's kid who almost got into gang violence because Pat wasn't around to make sure the maid didn't let him get into gang violence. You can bet that maid lost her job!

• After Slade delivers the news, he runs into the wall instead of exiting through the doorway. Pat realizes he's blind and the readers are all, "What the fuck?" At least some of them were! Most of them probably remember how comic books work and just turned the page expecting the story to flash back in time so we could see how Slade lost his eyesight (which is probably temporary because DC Comics doesn't need their own Daredevil knock-off. Especially when that knock-off is the knock-offer of Deadpool. That's just making things way too complicated).

• Jeromy Cox did the colors on this issue so I expect a bunch of poorly colored flags.

• Just kidding, Jeromy! Ha ha! We have so much fun, right?! Hey, did you ever color any of Cullen Bunn's stuff? He's a big jerk, right? Let's get the gossip!

• The first page of the comic is always wasted. It's like dipping your toe in the bath before getting in so you don't burn off your genitals. Now that I've gotten a feel for the temperature of the comic book with the bit showing Slade run into a wall (although why would he do that? His reflexes and senses should be honed to such a super degree that he'd never walk into anything while blind! He must have done it on purpose so Pat would sympathize with him), I can dunk my bag right into the thick of this story.

• Deathstork is breaking out of the Coast Guard's Supermax prison in Florence, Colorado. That sounds like a made up place. I've never heard of a Florence in Colorado before! And if I haven't heard of it, I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. That's just simple philosophy!

• Deathstork wasn't the brains behind the escape. That would be The Red Lion. I once went to a high school party at a Red Lion Inn. My friend Aaron and I wound up dropping all the little glass crystals that hung on the bedside lamp out the sixth story window and into the parking lot. That wasn't one of those stories where I'm bragging about my youthful experiences. If I were going to tell those kinds of stories, they would be filled with sex with lots of hot sexpots who were so totally into sex that we would sex all over the places people have sex. A lot. No, that was just one of those stories which are an example of why minors should never be tried in court as adults. The person I was at seventeen shares a lot of similarities with who I am now. But I would fucking beat that kid for shit he did that was way worse than vandalizing the Red Lion Inn. Young people do stupid shit and they shouldn't have their lives ruined forever because of it. And, yes, I even think that if they've ruined somebody else's life. Punishment without the possibility of redemption is simply cruel vengeance.

• Although I'd probably change my mind if some assfuck teenager maliciously killed a pet of mine. Then I would wreck that person so hard, they'd feel my wrath twenty generations down the line.

• What I'm saying is, I don't know everything! Maybe not even anything, really! But at least I know the colors of the stripes on the United States flag! Ha ha! Just kidding, Jeromy, buddy!

• Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Hosun (Slade's ex-dispatch guy) confronts Rose so that they can explicate some of the more confusing parts of the plot so far. I was going to scan that page so that I'd have all of the pertinent information in case I was confused by the story later, but then I turned the page and thought, "I should scan that!"

Slade loves staring at his grown kids in post-coital slumber.

• In Joseph's scene, the readers learn Joseph needs to rush his marriage because that should cure his gay headaches.

• Slade returns to Florence to interrogate Dex, the man who interrogated him when he was thrown in the supermax. Slade wants to know who else was freed from the supermax when he was because he figures Red Lion was just using Deathstork as cover. It turns out Raptor was currently in the supermax too! And now he's gone! Hooray! I hope he's talking to an agent about getting a biweekly anti-hero series of his own. At least his would come with a catchy theme song.

• Slade realizes Raptor and Red Lion are off to steal an aircraft carrier in dock ready to be turned into a casino. Red Lion needs it to get his country back. Slade might not care about all that anymore since nobody is paying him. But he needs to stop Raptor for another reason: Raptor took Deathstork's Ikon suit from the prison and painted a hawk on the front. Right over the dildo!

The Ranking!
No change. A good portion of this story feels like a not too intelligent editor read the previous eleven issues and said to Priest, "Dafuq?" So then Priest was told to write this issue and have a bunch of the characters explain what actually happened in the previous eleven. It still told its own story and moved a bunch of plots forward but the amount of exposition and explication in this one probably quadrupled what came in the previous ten issues.

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Deathstork #5

The worst thing about Deathstork is that he's probably a Trump supporter.

Deathstork has come to Gotham to get in a fight with Batman. Maybe he actually came to get Batman's help but he decided the best way to ask for help was to kidnap Damian. So, my first statement was correct. It also makes Deathstork a coward! How about fighting Batman in a comic book that doesn't have "Deathstork" on the cover?

Thanks to the inclusion of the last sentence of that paragraph, I had to go back and Photoshop the cover!

I'm going to lose all respect for Batman (not that I had much (or any?) left!) if he doesn't arrest Slade Wilson after he's done working with him. I suppose I have to give Rebirth Deathstork the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a child rapist. I suppose Deathstork hasn't been a child rapist since pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths, right? To be fair to myself and my bias and my inability to let that aspect of the character go, he did manipulate and sleep with an underage girl! I mean, the pre-Crisis Deathstork did! This Rebirth Deathstork might only have boners for appropriately aged women and Wintergreen. I suppose I should give him a chance.

Although what's up with this quote by George Pérez that I found while doing heavy duty research by typing "tara markov Judas Contract" into Google and deciding the Wikipedia entry would be the most educational link?

"I wanted her to be cute but not beautiful. She looked like a young girl. I gave her a substantial overbite, her eyes were wide, her body was slim, she wasn't particularly busty. I wanted her to look almost elven, so that when you see her for the first time wearing full-make up and dressed in a provocative outfit where you know she's just been in bed with Deathstroke that it does jab you a bit. 'Whoa, good God! This little girl is a slut!'"

George, you don't mind if I twist your words a little bit which, to be quite frank, don't really need much twisting! But you thought the best way to portray Tara was to make her look like a little girl so that when the readers discovered Deathstork was fucking her, they'd think, "Woah, good God! This little girl is a slut!"? I think this is the part of the conversation where the young people would say something like "I can't even!" But since I'm old, I totally fucking can. That's fucking messed up! I didn't read The Judas Contract when it came out because I didn't really get into DC Comics until Crisis on Infinite Earths. But if I had, I can tell you I wouldn't have thought Tara was a slut! And I was only twelve! I would have thought, "Why are they naked in bed together? Is that doing it?! Are they doing it!? Oh my god! Am I reading pornography?!"

Okay, so twelve year old me wasn't quite as sophisticated as forty-five year old me! Now I would read that and think, "Whoa! She's only like fifteen and she's doing it! Lucky!" I mean, I would be all, "Deathstork is obviously a pedophile and he's manipulating an emotionally wrecked child who desperately needs a father figure. Too bad she found one that doesn't understand boundaries and, apparently, the fucking law." Not that I know what the legal age of consent was in New York in 1984! I suppose I could do more hard-boiled investigating but I don't want to open another browser window. But even if it were sixteen and Slade didn't break the letter of the law, he certainly behaved poorly! But replace "poorly" with a stronger synonym! I'd look one up but, you know, browser window!

In other words, I'm going to give Christopher Priest's Rebirth Deathstork a clean slate! I mean, maybe not totally clean! I don't think you can ever totally wipe away the pedophilia.

Oh! They're using my plan! Except without a sniper rifle!

Just like I expected, Batman refuses to be sucked in. He doesn't negotiate with terrorists and child kidnappers! Besides, now he has the night free of Damian! Maybe not the whole night though because how long will Slade be able to handle Damian? Three, four hours tops?

Rose manages to follow Batman back to his Batmobile, impressing him, so he agrees to hang out with her for the night. Batman doesn't even know what he's agreeing to! I suppose when you're as overconfident and cocky as Batman, you can afford to go blindly into almost certain death. Or at least yet another fistfight with Deathstork.

That was the first short story. It was called "Lost". The second short story is called "In League". Like "In League with the Devil", right? But which one is the devil? Slade? Batman? Rose? Oh, I know! Damian, obviously!

Robin has been chained to the bottom of a water silo slowly filling up with water. It's a classic TV Batman cliffhanger! "Can the Robin swim to safety?! Or will the Boy Wonder go under...forever!" It's a typical cliffhanger situation so the scene changes after Robin points out how he defeated Deathstork in their last confrontation by throwing money at him.

The third short story is called "The Why". Rose tells Batman that they're trying to find the person who put out a hit on her. Batman tells Rose basically the same thing Wintergreen told Rose (minus the stuff about how he loves Slade's ass): "Slade Wilson is a manipulative bastard who uses everybody for his own ends and why are you looking at me like that I'm nothing like him!"

In the fifth short story, "Father's Day", Robin references Maude. How the hell does Robin know about that show? I know it's on those stations that play nothing but television from thirty or more years ago but when does Damian have time to watch television? Maybe he just has a bunch of MP3s of the worlds best television theme songs because Maude's theme song kicks ass. Although the line about Joan of Arc being a girl who really cooked might be crossing a problematic line.

Damian and Slade have a nice father-son chat while Rose and Bruce do the same (except for the son parts being daughter parts). I think in both situations, the Waynes have all the power. Although Slade might be trying to get Damian to reveal something Damian shouldn't reveal. Damian is cocky and inexperienced enough to understand he should just shut up. Meanwhile, Batman is just trying to point out to Rose that Slade is a dick and maybe she shouldn't be emulating him.

Batman just uses Rose as his sidekick for the night while he waits for Damian to escape from Slade's clutches. Robin eventually does by blowing up his head. I mean, not his entire head. Apparently Robin has a fake skullcap made of explosives that he can detonate. He only uses it right before he's about to drown because Damian was in power and he was the one trying to get information out of Slade. But he wasn't successful. Now he gets to flirt with Rose because she's totally into Batman's wards.

Remember what Wintergreen said, Rose! Slade just doesn't know how to say "I love you!" without it sounding like he put out a hit on you!

Meanwhile, Deathstork is still on the hunt for somebody. If he put out the hit on Rose, I don't know why he's still looking into it. But he is! So could Batman have been...wrong?!

The Ranking!
No change. Can you believe this shit? A Deathstork in Gotham story and he doesn't get into a physical confrontation with Batman! I feel so unfulfilled! My stomach hurts because there was no catharsis from the escalating tension waiting for the expected conflict! It's like The Blair Witch Project all over again! BLARG! That was me vomiting from being so wound up without any release! I think I need to go out in public and punch somebody in the face to feel better! They'll probably understand, right?

Catwoman: Election Night #1

Dammit. I only picked this up because I thought it said "Erection Night."

• I'm skipping ahead in my stack of comics to read this before it is no longer topical. It would be weird to read this three weeks from now when nobody wants to be reminded of the election. Not that anybody wants to be reminded of it now! Can you believe how the people voting for that one person can actually live with themselves?! It's shocking!

• That's enough of my intense, biting political commentary! I'm just going to read this comic book now about a sexy sex kitten who can't get enough bat-dick.

• For some reason, the story begins when Selina Kyle is a little girl which means she's missing her best two features!

• Selina is living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayard Girls, an orphanage where she pretends a cat named Ali is her best friend. They hang out in the laundry room trying not to get adopted or beaten up by the ugly orphans. It doesn't work. The ugly orphans find her anyway.

• That's enough of the flashback! It's time for Tits in Tight Leather. That's my secret name for Catwoman that I never tell anybody because I don't want them to think I'm sexist. Is it sexist to view a fictional character as a sex object? I mean, she is just an object in that she's a drawing on paper! And that object is definitely sexy because my pants are suddenly too tight in the front.

• Catwoman with her two best features appears on the credits page and I'm less interested in Catwoman's best features than I am in the credits. Not because I see Meredith Finch is writing this story and now know that I'll be wasting the next hour of my life reading something she wrote. No, what really excites me is that I don't see Russell's name in the credits but his name was on the cover. And you know what else was on the cover? A Prez billboard! Which means, using my super duper sleuthing skills taught to me by my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, Mark Russell must have written a Prez back-up story for this Erection Day Special! I think plowing my way through an inane and probably sexist Meredith Finch story might be worth it to get to the chewy Corndog Girl center!

• In the present, Catwoman is busy beating up one of the Penguin's henchmen who was trying to steal from Miss Kitty. What a hypocrite she is!

Hey! A cat's tongue is no joke! Many times, my cat Judas licked my arm raw in his overzealous taste tests!

• The next day, Catwoman picks up her copy of the Gotham Gazette which she apparently subscribes to. She also feeds Ali the Cat who is still alive somehow. He looks pretty fucking beat up, so he's probably twenty or so. You know how you can tell a cat is old just by glancing at it because it's gotten to that point where it's all, "Fuck it. I've licked myself clean with my tongue for my entire life. What the fuck do I care what I look like now?" Also, their meow becomes the sound of rusting metal scraping across more rusting metal. Sometimes they're almost blind so you can get them to run into table legs by calling them and snapping your fingers right next to a table leg. I mean, if you were a big jerk, you could do that! Who would even think of something like that? Poor kitty!

• In the Gotham Gazette is a story by Vicki Vale where she typed "ormally" instead of "formally." I hope she got fired. Oh, the article is about The Penguin running for mayor. Didn't I already see this story on that terrible Gotham television show? Is The Penguin also super gay for The Riddler in this?

• Riddle me this, Riddler: What's black and white and sucks dick all over?!

• Catwoman comes to the conclusion that The Penguin's run for mayor has something to do with Miss Kitty because of course everything is about her. The unfortunate thing for me and my commentary is that, this being a comic book by a mediocre writer, she's probably absolutely right. I don't like stories where the main character knows what's going on at all times from the fewest clues life throws at them! Life is not this easy! It's why my favorite author is Philip K. Dick! Because his theme is usually "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! HOW DO I LIFE?!"

• The Penguin speaks exactly like Donald Trump and is really concerned about putting a wall up around Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls. This is lazy satire. I can't wait to get to the Prez story! That one will be full of brilliant satire! And Corndog Girl!

• Back in the past, Selina learns that she's not supposed to hate jerks who cut up your face with a box cutter. You're supposed to go, "You know what? I don't know why that bitch tried to kill me, so how can I judge?"

• Fuck you, Miss Kitty.

• The Penguin's plan is apparently to build a wall around Gotham City to keep out all the Narrows riff-raff and suburbanites. But he also plans to knock down Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls! Selina was right! This election really does affect her and the things she cares about! I guess now she'll vote for The Penguin's opponent and he'll lose and everybody will celebrate the democratic process! Right?

• Constance Hill is The Penguin's opponent and she vows to do whatever it takes to beat The Penguin! So, like, she's going to campaign and shit? Or is vowing to do whatever it takes in front of Catwoman her whole plan? "Hey, Catwoman! We must win because I build bridges and not walls (I totally just made that up right now myself! So clever, right?! Okay fine! Somebody else said it first! But who can tell who, so it's kind of mine, right?!) So I'll do whatever it takes to win, if you get my meaning! Do you get my meaning? You're a thief. People steal elections? Do you need more hints?!"

• My guess is that Catwoman will discover an embarrassing thing about The Penguin (like how he's really still a big fat gay criminal!) and then expose the truth which will cause everybody to vote for Constance Hill in a landslide. As if voters care about truth!

Did Catwoman just give that guard a handy to get into the casino?! He doesn't look very pleased about it!

Batman is waiting for Catwoman in an empty room of the Iceberg Casino. He's also super jealous. He's all, "What took you so long? What are those stains on your gloves I'm picking up through my Bat-Semen-Detecting Goggles?!" Actually, it kind of looks like Catwoman's suit is covered in semen stains.

What's up with this suggestive dick-sucking framing?

• At first I thought Batman and Catwoman were working together on something. Why else would Batman be waiting for her inside the casino? It's the only thing that makes sense, right?! Nope. Batman is just trying to stop Catwoman from doing things Catwoman's way. AGAIN! Doesn't this fucking jerk get it yet? He might be able to control all the little orphans he adopts but why does he keep thinking he can tell a grown-ass woman how to live her life?! Why's he always trying to Daddy her? And I don't mean in a sexy way. Wait. Is it sexy to call some guy Daddy when you fuck him? Ugh. I think I'm going to throw up.

• Batman hands over some of The Penguin's recent real estate transactions because he somehow knows what Catwoman was after. That's disturbing. The only conclusion is that he's bugged her Catsuit or her vagina. And why did he even need to show up to hand over the documents? Couldn't Catwoman have done it herself? And if he was planning on helping her with the documents, why the fuck was he waiting for her inside the casino?! Now Penguin might be on alert because people broke into his place!

• I suppose it's possible Batman was in disguise as the guard who got the handy. That would explain the guard's sour expression. So risking meeting Catwoman inside the Iceberg was the only way to get the handy and get her the information!

• The next flashback makes it apparent that one of the horrible kids became Constance Hill. And that she also murdered another horrible kid so that she could take the girl's place in her upcoming adoption. Which would also explain why she doesn't want Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls knocked down since they'll find the skeletal remains of her murder victim. So, once again, Catwoman was right because earlier she said she didn't trust Constance Hill, the perfect candidate!

• Is this story going to end with a big "VOTE FOR JILL STEIN!" banner?

• Catwoman has grown into her ability to jump to the perfect conclusion because as a kid, she was a complete fucking idiot. All of the evidence of murder were right in front of her and she couldn't put the pieces together. But when she sees one of The Penguin's henchmen fucking around outside Miss Kitty's and then sees he's running for mayor the next day, she immediately knows the two are connected!

• Now that Catwoman's an adult, she finally figures out the murder. You can't get anything past older Catwoman! Younger Catwoman though? Please. What an idiot!

• Catwoman breaks into the debates to destroy all of the candidates. She's in a hurry this time so she trades handies for kicks to the face and the tired old "cat got your tongue" line.

• Catwoman exposes Constance's decade old murder and Batman exposes The Penguin's shady real estate dealings and nobody becomes mayor. But Batman does get a good idea to make more money buying up properties!

• The story ends with Corndog Girl living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls, for some reason. Continuity be damned! This probably works or something. Whatever, it's a segue!

• Next up is a Prez story by Mark Russell called "Trigger Warnings". Shouldn't there have been a Content Warning before using the term Trigger Warning?

• Remember when I said there would be brilliant satire in the Prez comic? I take that back! It's lacking in subtlety and the humor doesn't quite make up for the bluntness of the message. Maybe it was tweaked so that the typical voter would understand the message. What good is satire if audience bias can simply interpret the story however they want?

• So after the more guns is dangerous and confusing segment, we get the men discussing women's health issue bit.

It's still screaming to the choir but at least it's funnier.

• Juxtaposing the two issues of gun control and legislating women's bodies winds up being much smarter than I realized. Mostly because I'm stupid and stubborn. So when you write a story showing how dumb open and carry is and make it super obvious that it's dumb with a lot of dumb characters, I just want to think, "Duh! That's dumb!" But then when you sit the issue of guns and how many people die from them and how Congress will do nothing about it right up next to women's health issues like birth control and abortion, issues which Congress are stampeding to legislate, I finally see the genius of the story. Again, though, not like this isn't shit that isn't super obvious to the people who agree with it.

What?! But that sounds like a Win/Win Situation!

• After finishing the story, I'm super sorry that I ever doubted Mark Russell's ability due to the lack of subtlety in the gun nuts shooting up a burger joint scene! Everything wraps up in such a way that I'm super jealous of Mark Russell and might have to one day stalk him, kidnap him, and shove him in the well I've dug in the basement. Can people exist only on semen caught on their tongue like snowflakes?

The Ranking!
I'm not ranking this! Are you crazy?! It's a one-shot! It'll clutter up my rankings! Also, I forgot to add Nightwing to the list! I should fix that!

Deathstork #4

How hard is it to hunt for Batman? Just turn that stupid signal on and wait on the roof of the building across the way with a sniper rifle.

Has there ever been a more earnest generation than the current generation? I mean, I guess the Greatest Generation (dumb title!) was pretty earnest about war and cars and middle class living. And then the Sex Generation was pretty earnest about peace and sex and drugs and The Doors. But then there was the X Generation who never had an earnest thought in their body because the Sex Generation forgot to bond with their accidental children who were total bummers keeping them from enjoying their three day festivals. And then the generation after that, nobody gave a shit about. I think they were called the Y Bother Generation. Or the You Know You're A 90s Kid Generation. And now the Millennials are all super earnest about everything. At least the Greatest Generation understood what jokes were and sometimes said them. Sure, the punch line usually had something to do with a Jap or a Kraut but they still laughed at stuff! That's probably unfair to say Millennials don't find things funny. Everybody finds stuff funny! It's just that Millennials are so earnest that they think intellectual criticism of anything they do (even if that criticism is total cynical bullshit to just pad the introduction to a comic book review) is bullying, if not a complete and utter Hate Crime. You can tell a lot of them don't know how to handle criticism because they swaddle themselves in labels so they can instantly declare that anybody who criticizes the least thing they say or way they act the grossest person in the universe. I totally get it if the person is criticizing them for their mind-boggling complex sexuality or their Myers-Briggs Type. But holy shit do they get upset if you simply point out how Oliver and Felicity was the worst relationship ever created in a television show and probably the biggest mistake made in a television show founded on horrible mistakes by the writers.

Okay! Now that I've gotten the kids to flounce out of the room, let's talk about adult stuff! Lots of adult stuff going on in Deathstork and I didn't want to ruin the adult surprises that Millennials will discover soon enough, like the loss of wonder and the need to piss all over subsequent generations for doing things differently simply because they still have the vibrant, passionate spark of youth that we can barely even remember feeling!

I just figured out how Christopher Priest names his issues! No, I don't mean I discovered some intellectually lofty link that exposes his central themes and rips open the rib cage of the entire series to get a cold, stark look at its pounding heart! I just mean I realized that the first title is the title of the collection of short stories. Then every few pages when the scene changes, it gets a new title because its a new story but then it fits into the theme of the collection! So this collection is called "American Gothic". That's a famous painting by that hick that lived in the Midwest! He's really famous out there, especially in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. And every other city in Iowa, really. If you don't remember the painting, I'll describe it for you: two vampires stand in front of a barn. The male vampire looks like he wants to die which is probably why he's standing out in the sun getting his portrait did. And the female vampire is looking at him like, "You done it again, Hinry."

The first short story is called "Tuh-MAY-toe". That's probably the only word that needs to be spelled phonetically since there's such a huge controversy about the correct way to say it that somebody once wrote a song called "How About We Just Agree To Fucking Disagree, Asshole?"

Rose and Slade are heading to Gotham so Slade decided he probably shouldn't look like Deathstork because he doesn't want Batman to beat him up immediately. He is disguised as a man who used to teach but then fell in love with one of his students and had to go on the run with her so that he wouldn't be judged by society although he would eventually be judged by his young lover who would find a young lover of her own who wasn't a creepy pedophile. And Rose is disguised as a virgin with Daddy Issues. That's not much of a disguise but then Batman isn't on the look out for Rose Wilson coming into Gotham and fucking up his life. The theme of this story is how Slade and Rose are different but the same, much like how sometimes people say tomato and other times people say tomato.

The second story is called "The Code" and I don't know what it's about yet but it might have my favorite moment in a Deathstork comic book since every terrible thing Rob Liefeld did which peaked the needle on my schadenfreude. I'll scan it so you can enjoy that moment too if you've made the life mistake of not reading this comic book. Don't worry if you have made that mistake. That's one of those mistakes that most people would make because Deathstork comic books have been so terrible since they were invented that almost nobody exists who would walk into a comic book store, pass the New Releases shelf, see a Deathstork comic book, and think, "FUCKING YES! I hope there's a new Lobo book out too!"

See? Creepy pedophile disguise! Oh! I just remembered that Slade actually is a creepy pedophile so it's not really the best disguise!

Rose calls Wintergreen to whine about Slade's naked ass and Wintergreen is all, "Oh? Details!" He also tries to explain to Rose and the entire Deathstork Fandom who don't actually understand the character they love that he's a super-villain. He isn't a mercenary with a heart. He isn't a surrogate daddy to cartoon Robin. He isn't an anti-hero taking out the trash. He's a pedophile, rapist, murdering sociopath who likes to rent motel rooms and stick his dick between the blinds as he drinks his morning coffee.

Okay, maybe Wintergreen backs away from the sociopath label. At least he definitely backs away from the term psychopath but I think that's a tomato, tomato situation. Wintergreen tries to explain Deathstork's emotional code to Rose so she can maybe love her father as much as Wintergreen's penis loves her father. Rose learns the code and instantly uses it to call her father an idiot. Slade may or may not notice. It's hard to tell because he doesn't really feel emotion, no matter how much Wintergreen tries to convince himself by convincing Rose that he, at least, feels some.

The next short story is called "The Enemy of My Enemy". It features Dick Grayson! But I don't know why it's called "The Enemy of My Enemy" since it's about Rose and Dick fucking in the woods while Deathstork creepily watches from a nearby tree! Christopher Priest likes using titles which the reader can finish on their own because they're the first half of a common expression. So the full title of this story must be "The Enemy of My Enemy Is the Guy Fucking My Daughter".

The fourth short story is called "Sights". It has something to do with how Rose's precognition is thought of as having the sight and how guns have sights that help you aim. It's this whole thing where they have to be calibrated just right or something and something and a bunch of bikers die. But it brings Rose closer to Slade! I don't think it brings Slade closer to Rose though. He's just annoyed.

The fifth story is called "The Squirt" and I'm a little bit nervous to find out what this is about. Is it going to be about the involuntary sphincter reaction a person has when they first realize that they're going to have to fight Batman? Deathstork summons Batman through a complicated series of electronic rituals. Part of Batman's cautiousness involved using Damian to ride through on a bike to scope the place. While riding through, Deathstork managed to drug him so that when Damian battled Ravager later, she would be able to beat him. In that way, Deathstork could kidnap the Squirt and force Batman to do him a favor. At least that's what Deathstork seems to believe kidnapping Damian would accomplish. I imagine instead of Batman rolling over and doing whatever Slade says to free Damian, Batman is just going to get angry and not help Deathstork at all. In fact, he may even hamper Deathstork's investigation into who put a hit out on Rose.

Rebirth Rankings!
Let's see if I can actually create a new list ranking the DC Comics by quality. It might take some time though since I'll have to add them as I read them.

1. Deathstork (1). That's it for now! It's the best comic of them all based on only it! Also, I mean, it is a pretty good comic book on its own merit.

Deathstork #3

If you're going to copy Deathstork's outfit, at least improve on the flaws. Like the colors. And the excessive pouches. And the flared boots. Oh wait. She did fix those. Good start!

The Commentary!
• I'm feeling a bit underappreciated as a Writer lately. It's been making me think: why am I wasting my talents on comic book readers?! They're the most unsophisticated readers in the library! It's like, "Have you checked out anything with words while you're waiting for every single comic book trade to become available?" I mean, I write stuff like "The first short story is called 'Home Alone'. It's about how Joseph Wilson was constantly being left home by himself due to his mercenary parents constantly rushing off to other countries to assassinate people and his older brother throwing temper tantrums and running away because he didn't feel like his dad loved him enough. Joseph apparently doesn't feel loved enough either because when the house is empty, he invites a bunch of strange teenagers over to party on the off chance that a few of them might think, 'Jake Wilbur is the coolest!'" and who responds with, "Holy shit! What a way with words! What an elegantly heartbreaking example of mankind's unending loneliness due to our inability to connect with others!"? Nobody, that's who! Not one person! And yet people cream their corduroys over Hemingway!

• I guess I'm destined to be discovered after I'm dead, Emily Dickinson style. That's probably the usual fate of shut-ins without any real ambition for fame or money but who just want to write. Although I wouldn't mind some of that sweet money! Just enough to keep me in Oreos until I'm too fat to leave the house and I die of heart disease. Then my obituary can read, "Local Fat Man Who Thought He Could Write Dies Lonely Death. Jake Wilbur Will Be Missed. By No One! BURN!"

• Don't bother trying to pay me compliments now that I've pointed out you're all unsophisticated dum-dums! It's too late for that! I know you're all terrible Readers anyway! It's why you're reading my thoughts on the comic books you've already read! So you can think things like, "Oh yeah! I totally knew that's what that was about! Themes and stuff!"! I should probably start a commentary blog for this commentary blog.

• This issue (unless it's just the first story?) is called "By Any Other Name." Most of you uncouth chowderheads probably don't get why it's called that! Pshaw! It's so obvious! I bet a monkey that was taught how to press the button on a game show buzzer could answer a question on this if it were on Jeopardy. Although the monkey would probably forget to say the answer in the form of a question because it's just a stupid monkey.

• Don't you hate how on Jeopardy, when a contestant says the answer without making it a question, they still have time to correct the error, spurred on by Alex Trebek looking at them as if they're the biggest idiots on the planet. They're all, "Rose!" And then Alex Trebek's eyes roll back in his head and spittle forms on his lips and he starts looking around for a gun to shoot himself in the face with but when he can't find one, he just starts screaming, "YOU FUCKING CAME ON JEOPARDY OF YOUR OWN ACCORD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING SMART BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAIN TWIST TO THIS STUPID QUIZ SHOW!" Instead of letting them rephrase the question, they should deduct five hundred dollars from their score and throw a pub dart into their neck.

• The second short story is called "33". Who wants to take a Jeopardy guess as to why that's the title of this story? "What is the age Jesus's best friend went all smoochy face on him so that the Roman Guards would be all, 'That's the one! The dude kissing the other dude! Not the one with his pockets bulging with silver! The other one! The poor one!'"

• "33" might also be an emoticon of a blinking pirate with a harelip. Oh! Or Deathstork blinking! And with a harelip!

• Oh wait! Before I get to the second story, I had a question about the first story!

"There can only be one reason Rose Wilson takes two hour showers." "What is masturbation, Alex?"

• I also had the answer to my question! Jeopardy style!

• Rose is just like her father but with a different name. Except instead of having super reflexes, she has super intuition. Or maybe it's just straight up precognition. She sees how a hit might go wrong and then changes the way the hit goes. So she's like Midnighter if Midnighter were actually terrible. Compared to Midnighter, she has a fraction of his ability and that fraction is one over infinity. Although is that really a fraction? That's really just zero, right? I can't do the proof but I'm sure there's a proof that proves it.

• The "33" of the title is the number of bullets in the magazine of an Uzi plus one in the chamber. But why would there be one in the chamber? Do people often fire off thirty-one bullets and then stick a new clip on before firing that last bullet? I don't know anything about guns but I do play Call of Duty!

• Rose was only paid to stop a hit and, with her mental abilities, realized she was going to die as the hit went south. So she knocked everybody out because she's apparently a disappointment to her father. He's all, "Oh, so we're in the knock men out game, are we?!" And Rose is all, "FUCK YOU, DAD!"

The "you" in Wintergreen's statement obviously refers to Slade.

• The third story is called "Ready". That probably rhymes with Teddy and not seedy, right? Although I hope it rhymes with seedy because a story called "Ready" (rhymes with seedy!) is right up the alley of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (rhymes with seeder).

• We all know Rose has serious Daddy Issues because she's a character in the DC Universe. But boy howdy does she have Daddy Issues! She's constantly trying to assure Slade that her vagina is closed for business! She's all, "I'm not stripping!" and "I'm not doing it to Richard!" And then she gets really gross and starts discussing "owning her own sexuality" and how "it's none of Slade's business." Then why do you keep bringing it up?! I know why! She's withholding sex with men she's intimate with because, in a way, she feels like she's withholding her love for her daddy! Because he never gave her any. So now she isn't going to give any to her Daddy Substitutes! Boom! Psychotherapized!

• Deathstork decides Rose isn't ready to have sex since she tells her dad that she isn't having sex. Unless what they're actually talking about is murder! Are they talking about murder? Am I supposed to understand that Rose is a Murder Virgin?!

• The fourth story is called "Closure" and it's the one where Adeline shoots out Slade's eye. You know that story! I'm sure you've read it before. There's this kid, Jake or something, who gets his throat cut and Adeline is all, "Dammit! Why did you let that kid, what's-his-name, get his throat cut, you dum-dum!" Then Slade is all, "What do you want me to do? I can't even remember his name!" Then Adeline is all "BANG" and Slade is all "Why won't my eye heal?! Stupid powers!"

• Christopher Priest or the Letterer spell Qurac wrong. But I blame the Editor! The editor is supposed to catch that mundane stuff. Writers can't be bothered with spelling things correctly! They're busy baring their souls to an uncompromising universe! They're busy flinging their seed into the barren wombs of the masses! They're busy metaphoring up similes to analogize their pain!

• Rose tells her dad she was "trained" by Nightwing. So she has had sex! And she's definitely a Murder Virgin! Mystery solved! Although the boy she was sleeping with was named Richard and she said she wasn't actually "sleeping" with him and Dick's name is Richard so was that Nightwing sharing the bed with her and not having sex?

Christopher Priest wrote it! I didn't write it! He said it! Not me! He's the one calling out stupid teenagers! I may or may not agree but I do know I didn't say it!

• I don't think "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" actually means anything. Unless what he's getting at is that she's deconstructed sex in such a way as to explain that by not having sex she is somehow controlling others using a negative action while denying herself the pleasure of sex in a bullshit attempt to empower herself. Or Deathstork is the one spouting the B.S. philosophy that is neither Faustian nor postmodern!

• Although the phrase "like every other empty-headed nitwit teenager, you're too immature to know how stupid you are" is pure poetry.

• Deathstork figures out Ricky, the person who paid Ravager to stop Leon from killing Ricky's boys, took the papers for the hit on Ravager. Deathstork lets Ricky live but takes some of the cash to trace it back to whoever paid Ricky. I guess Deathstork doesn't like people taking hits out on his daughter.

• Ricky is a grandmother. I think.

• Deathstork analyzes the money and has a realization: Batman has money! Lots of it! The person who put the hit out on Rose must be Batman! And it's off to Gotham City so Slade can get his ass handed to him in his own comic book! What a dumby!

The Ranking!
+2! Whattya know?! A good Deathstork comic book! It's like that time that I believed something that didn't exist might actually exist and then pretended that it did exist even though it didn't! Except this time, it does exist! I think. This book is real, right? Or did I just hallucinate it? It's possible I hallucinated it because I seem to remember something about a "postmodern Faustian B.S. philosophy" and that sounds like something that I'd make up trying to sound smart!

Justice League #52

This Man of Steel has the look of a man who won a bet where I have to lick his asshole clean. Believe me. I know that look.

The Review!
How long can Lex Luthor as Superman remain interesting? This seems like one of those Geoff Johns guzzling whisky at the bar ideas that sounds like a shocking story idea but eventually gets old quick. I don't know whose idea it was but since Dan Jurgens is writing this book, I guess I'll have to assume it was his. It's not like we haven't seen the Lex Luthor goes good story several times before. So once again, we get to read stories where Lex Luthor is doing the right thing but in a not so great way while we wait for him to go off the rails revealing either his ultimate criminal plan or that he's just a huge dick who will never change. Hopefully Dan Jurgens will bring a new twist to the Lex as hero thing but I have my doubts. Jurgens is, after all, only a robot built in 1986 with no ports to upgrade his memory. This might simply wind up being a Cold War allegory that doesn't matter anymore!

Keep reading...

Aquaman Rebirth #1

No matter how many Rebirths Aquaman has to suffer through, he'll never be cool.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing Aquaman must be difficult! Whenever I try to write a story focusing on a character without any personality whatsoever, I usually wind up getting a call from my publisher saying, "This is unpublishable dreck. As usual." I think the "as usual" is a bit harsh and unneeded! But she usually continues with something like, "Make me interested in the lead character! Give me something to care about! Maybe write more than three double-spaced pages with large font." And yet DC somehow manages to keep selling Aquaman comic books! Maybe I should see if DC would like to publish some of my stories? Or maybe my publisher will identify with my main character if I remind the reader that the character is stoic! Let me try!

Stoically, Pete the Vampire Hunter thought, "Hmm, that is a werewolf. I hunt vampires! I guess I'll go home and stoically have some popcorn." Stoically, Pete, the stoic person, walked off as the werewolf mauled the children at the playground.

Wow! That's so much better! I'm going to send my publisher a query about Pete the Vampire Hunter immediately! I wonder if I should make a note that this Pete is not the same Pete from A Really Scary Story? Or maybe it is! This can be the sequel! A Really Scary Story Two! Or should I be extra cool and call it A Really Scary Story Too? Hopefully that wouldn't confuse Tumblr User discardvibes two much! Ha ha! That "two" was a joke and not me being stupid!

The issue begins by trying to impress the reader by claiming that Aquaman is the king of 97% of the global biosomething or other! Yeah, but it's all fish! Not that there's anything wrong with fish. But it's not like there's anything in the ocean as cute as a kitten or a raccoon! Maybe a baby dolphin with a pink ribbon on its head. But how many of those can there be? Even after I dropped all those pink ribbons into the Pacific, I doubt more than one of them came to rest on the head of a baby dolphin! No, Aquaman doesn't rule over anything cute. He rules over fish and feces-filled water! Big deal! Although if he can talk to dolphins and whales and get them to do whatever he wants, what's stopping him from commanding a kitten that has fallen off of a boat? They're all mammals! Why can he talk to some mammals as well as fish? Maybe that's not a super power! Maybe he just knows the language of dolphins and whales and manatees and asks them politely to help him. But fish he's got to be all, "Do the thing I want! DO IT! You stupid imbecile! Do it already!" Because fish have small brains! I know that because my publisher often calls me "a fish-brained moron."

I wonder if I should find a new publisher?

Mera has put on her old uniform while she plays the Penny-One to Aquaman's watery Batman. They're going after a group of oceanic terrorists who call themselves The Deluge.

Why does Aquaman think fish can help stop a typhoon or a seaquake? And why is he calling a boatload of refugees "migrants"? How insulting! I think. I mean, I want it to be insulting so I can act like I'm angry at Aquaman. Although it's his narrator that said those things! Wait a second. A narrator?! What kind of crap are you trying to pull, Rebirth?!

The Deluge want to blow up an East Coast city but Aquaman doesn't want an East Coast city blown up. He's recently made the cover of Time magazine and now he just wants his dessert. Although I don't know why he made the cover along with Superman and Wonder Woman. I guess Batman was busy. Or dead.

Next we get to the part of the Retcon or Rebirth or New Direction where the writer tells the reader explicitly to stop thinking Aquaman is a joke.

The Narrator sounds like they're trying to convince themselves!

I already countered the argument the Narrator is making here way back in my review of Aquaman #15! Here, I'll remind you of it by making you read it:

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn’t about Aquaman at all. It’s about one upping those other jerks that think they’re so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let’s face it. We all know he’s the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It’s about feeling superior. “You make fun of Aquaman because you just don’t get him. *snrt*”

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It’s in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! “Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?” Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

You know what else is the problem? Nobody has an obligation to write Aquaman as if the people of the DC Universe are the same kinds of assholes as the people of the comic book reading universe! The populace of the DCU doesn't have to believe Aquaman is a joke! You can make them believe he's a hero! If you don't want people laughing at him, don't write people laughing at him. And if you don't think the readers will accept that then you're already admitting defeat! You want Aquaman to be heroic and respected in the Rebirth Universe? Then don't acknowledge that he's a laughingstock! Just try to ignore that fact! Think of it this way. I have been reading New 52 Superman for five years and screaming, "Why does everybody hate him? Why are you writing a universe where everybody hates and mistrusts him?!" For five years and you ignored me that entire time! So why don't you do the same thing with all of the Aquaman haters? Let them scream into the void that Aquaman is a joke and he's not heroic and he's the stupidest member of the Justice League and not much thought went into creating him and he has no personality and he has sex with fish and his comic book never sells great no matter how long DC makes his hair or how hooky DC makes his hand! Just ignore them and pretend that Aquaman isn't a stupid joke!

I mean, I don't really care. I think it's funny that you've decided to kowtow to the Aquaman haters and acknowledge, within the DC Universe, that people make fun of him constantly. It's kind of a dick editorial move but whatever!

The point of all of this narration is to make sure the reader understands Aquaman. It's all, "He's stoic and exciting! Like a lighthouse! I mean, sure, a lighthouse is only exciting for the one, singular climb to the top and then you're all, 'That's it? Okay. I get it. That's a lighthouse. Never need to read another issue of that!'" And like a lighthouse, Aquaman makes sure boats don't wind up on land and cars don't wind up in the ocean! He's a true hero of both the land and the sea. But like a lighthouse, nobody likes him! They're all, "Well, I can see the point of it. But does it really need to shine that light all night? Annoying! Might as well hang some heavy duty wind-chimes off the side and piss everybody off!"

Yeah, but, come on! The dolphins and whales must talk to him, right?

The Narrator winds up being Black Manta so I guess I'm done being surprised about a narrator appearing in a comic book. I mean a third-person, omniscient narrator and not a character narrating the story to an imagined audience. I mean, the audience is made up of me and the other readers! But Black Manta doesn't know that! There's no reason he should be narrating this story if he's not explicating it to anybody! Anyway, Black Manta wants to kill Mera to make Aquaman feel bad and then he'll kill Aquaman after that. It's one of those dumb plans villains always rely on. Killing Mera will just make the Women in Refrigerators set mad! Oh, also it'll make Aquaman mad! And a mad Aquaman won't be as easy to kill. Plus, Black Manta, don't you think it's just time to call it even? You killed Arthur's dad; he killed your dad. Can't you just call the whole thing off?

Prez #6

I'm all for Corndog Girl on the twenty dollar bill.

Some people have been wondering why I put my reviews behind a pay wall so I thought I'd answer them now. Because they're worth it. Oh, and actually they're not--and never have been--real reviews. I'm not concerned with pointing out how the letterer perfectly captured the feeling of a vampire growling out sex commands. Or how the colorist created a cheerful and bright tone which contrasted poignantly with the sorrow and despair of the characters in the book. Occasionally I'll point out how David Finch somehow fucked up so badly that he put six fingers on Wonder Woman (not hyperbole!) or I'll defend Rob Liefeld's ability to draw feet by pointing out they're just as good as everything else he draws. I definitely do concern myself with the writing though. But is that really much of a review when I'm discussing a comic book? That's probably not even 50% of the final product! So, no, I am not writing reviews. I'm writing spontaneous essays based on whatever the fuck digressions the comic book's plot points send me spiraling into. If you're into reading fucked up ephemeral tidbits loosely based around DC Comic books, you might actually be interested in getting your ass behind the paywall. If you're not, well fuck it, right? You've got an infinite amount of free internet to peruse at your leisure. Hell, even most of the porn is free!

But if you're interested in discovering just how big my crush on Corndog Girl is, you might want to keep reading!

It's pretty fucking big, I tell you what.

Corndog Girl thought the biggest crisis of her presidency was apologizing for America's bullying, Imperialistic, self-righteous, know-it-all, narcissistic attitude! But she was totally and completely wrong if she thought that which she might not have actually thought because I may have just assumed it. The next big crisis on her plate is the Cat Flu! It's killing thousands of Americans a week because good for it! I'm pro anything that has cat in the name! Go cat flu! You're so fucking adorable! Although have you thought about maybe changing your name to Kitten Flu because, seriously, come on? How cute would that be?

These assholes are actually a bigger problem than the Cat Flu.

This paragraph is where I discuss why people who hate the government but are okay with big business doing whatever the fuck they want are complete and utter morons so if you're one of those morons, you might want to skip this paragraph and pretend I called you all geniuses instead. I feel living with lies is probably the most enjoyable way to get through life anyway. The basic premise of government is that it is of the people. People have the means to participate in government (no matter how shitty those means currently are because corporations have convinced the government to stop listening to people and, at the same time, have purchased dozens of talking heads to convince people that the government is evil and corporations are good) and to change it. No matter how crappy the system seems to work, it's at least possible to change the government. It's actually quite possible and reasonable to change local government which is how you begin to change state and national government as well. But people are allowed zero participation in corporations. No, I don't count owning a fucking stock as participating and you shouldn't either, you--what did I call you earlier? Oh yeah!--utter moron. The more you hate government and try to destroy it in favor of corporations and rich people doing whatever the fuck they want, the less ability you have to change anything. Don't trust the government? Try to change it. If the government changes in a way you don't like because other people have convinced it to change for the better, whine and pout. Oh, and try to change it, I guess. Whatever. I mean, does voting even work? Maybe the utter morons are right! In that case, I guess the best way to change the government is to start a small business, then grow that business into a bigger business, then keep growing that business into a major corporation, then avoid being bought out or subsumed into another business or destroyed by your investors, then become a nationally renowned corporation, then hire a lobbying firm, then donate millions upon millions of dollars to politicians who will reside in your pocket, then ask them to piggyback all the really shitty and selfish changes in laws to bills that the opposition party really needs to pass and voila! You've changed the system! Congratulations, you bastard.

Meanwhile Tina (formerly known as--and I only bring this up for clarification with my readers and not to try to pin her to her past--War Beast) is being harassed by the government because they want her back in their armory.

President Corndog Girl decides to seek help in finding a Cat Flu Vaccine from Fred Wayne.

The cat e-mail thing is a good gag but absolutely not the reason I scanned this page. My lust is squarely to blame.

Fred Wayne has a top secret project that he says can help save the world. He hasn't revealed it to anybody yet because Corndog Girl is the first politician who seriously wants to change the world for the better as opposed to changing the world for the richer (and by "richer," I obviously don't mean everyone! Don't make the tiny few who profit from most of the government's decisions laugh!).

President Corndog Girl's horrible congress override her veto and give Boss Smiley and his stupidly nicknamed cohorts everything they want. Once again, it's a win for nobody! I mean, it's technically a win for some people but that portion of the population for whom the win matters is so small that it's effectively zero. Therefore nobody wins. Nobody.

Well, maybe the cutest person in this futuristic version of America wins because she's as smart as she is fuckable. That was supposed to be a compliment!

This story makes me giddy and not just because all of my blood flow has been redirected to a certain area of the body due to fantasizing about my future life with President Corn Dog girl. I constantly wish logic were being used in courts and congressional hearings and house votes all across this nation. I'm tired of the answer to any ethical dilemma being determined by which side throws the most money at something. When Monsanto was suing small farmers for stealing their patents because some of Monsanto's patented soybeans were found on their farms due to natural pollen distribution, I couldn't understand how the small farmers didn't have a suit against Monsanto for contaminating their farms! I mean, logically I couldn't understand it! Monetarily, I knew exactly why the farms were getting screwed by Monsanto. I get that there are strict controls in place to keep judges from having too much power but I think we need some kind of common sense law where a judge can simply look at a suit and proclaim, "Fuck you!" Then he'd bang his gavel and the bringer of the offending lawsuit would have to pay a bajillion dollar fine.

Maybe the answer is to stop having judges who are voted into power or appointed and have a jury system for judges. But the judge jury pool would only be full of accredited scientists who are fucking smart enough to not listen to lawyers when they're entire case amounts to four truckloads of manure.

President Corndog Girl's maneuver works and congress repeals the law that gave Boss Smiley and his friends the rights to whatever DNA they could register. Her new plan to stop the spread of Cat Flu is to airlift all of the cats into New Mexico where they'd remain quarantined for a number of weeks. People are predictably angered at their cats getting a vacation while they continue to have to work fifty-two weeks per year.

Bad comic book! Bad! Pulling the putting a pet down scene is tantamount to terrorism!

Prez #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I fucking love this comic book! I hope DC Comics doesn't forget to publish Part Two sometime in the future! Although if they don't use the same creative team, I don't really care if they never publish it again. At that point, it'll be a crap shoot as to whether it's worth reading or not. I think Mark and Ben have created a really special six issue mini-series here with potential for more wild satire and cute Corndog Girl predicaments. Plus Boss Smiley is only getting started! He was practically just a bit player in this series. I'm sure he's going to be real trouble in the near future! I bet he and his cohorts do really wild and unbelievably greedy things like maybe Pharmaduke will raise the price of prescription pills by 7000%! Oh man, that would totally be hilariously unrealistic! I love you, Corndog Girl!

Batman and Robin Eternal #6

More like "Out of the ass!" Batman is totally farting on Robin.

This comic book comes out weekly so I probably don't need to recap what happened last week. We all remember how that one kid did that thing that caused some other thing to thing, right? Okay then!

This issue, it's time to learn a little something about Jason Todd. This is probably the best place to currently learn about him. You don't want to get your Jason Todd information from Red Hood Loves Arsenal because that comic book is a satire. I think. Anyway, you also don't want to get your information from the 1985 Who's Who comic book. This is my favorite line from Jason Todd's Robin entry: "His reasoning and detective skills are weak". Ha ha! Insulted by his own biography!

Actually, I meant to say "poor, sweet little Jason" and not "ha ha" if you're a Jason Todd fan. If you aren't, go ahead and read it exactly like I wrote it.

Maybe I was too quick to dismiss the Who's Who entry.

Dick and Jason are investigating the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer by a Whirlwind because that's where Harper and Cass were recently attacked by Orphan. That's also where Batman and Robin tracked down the Scarecrow several years ago but then lost him. It's also where my mind boggles at who congregates at this church! I did some extremely limited research with Lord Google but that only led me to some sites about the Carmelites and then to photos of the Carmelite Monastery in Santa Clara, California. I grew up across the street from it and it continues to fascinate me. But I don't think they were worshiping any Thunderers. Although for a few months, some graffiti remained on the outside wall directly across the street from my house that read "Satan worshipers," so you never know!

Dick remembers back when he and Batman were trying to stop the Scarecrow from escaping to Prague in his prop plane. But it's not a story that he should probably tell to Jason because it ends with Dick almost, but not actually, being blown to pieces. He especially shouldn't bring it up because it apparently led to an around the world chase because Batman couldn't allow the Scarecrow to get away with almost killing his sidekick! Hearing that might hurt Jason Todd's poor little heart. (If you're a Jason Todd fan, just go to the next paragraph now.) Are all the Jason Todd fans gone now? Okay, now we can all laugh at him and call him a big baby! Wah wah! Batman likes Dick Grayson so much better! Nobody loves me! Boo hoo! Hmm, that was probably a little much, wasn't it? Now I just sound like an asshole! I can't help it! I don't want to hate Jason Todd but my hands are tied! DC has chosen to give me Scott Lobdell's Jason Todd and nearly no other representation of him! I would be a fool to care about him! Or Tim Drake for that matter!

Batman catches Robin in the Batwing instead of letting Robin fall to his death. That probably could have gone unmentioned, right? Since Dick is alive in the future and just remembering this part? Although Jason Todd is also alive in the future and he had his brains knocked out by a crowbar before being blown to tiny little bits and he's still around to remember stuff!

This is part of the memory that Dick doesn't remember but the reader gets to enjoy because this Maxwell guy is super suspicious! Aren't all characters introduced casually near the beginning of a mystery always the person behind it all?!

Maxwell tells Bruce about his wife Alicia. It turns out she's just one of Mother's products. Is Batman and Robin Eternal based on Futurama?

Maxwell is all, "Dude! She's been programmed to do anything I want! You should get one!" And Bruce is all, "I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Except he just says that part in his head and tries to remember to punch Maxwell in his disgusting face later after he puts the costume back on. Maxwell also mentions that he picked Alicia up at the Perfect Wife store in Prague! Bruce is all, "Oh! I've always wanted to go to...um...Germany?" And Maxwell is all, "Um, yes or the other country. The one next to it. Spain? Um, anyway, Mother owns that store and you should probably be realizing that Scarecrow was going there right about now and putting all of the variables into a satisfactory equation that equals justice!"

I find it unsavory that Maxwell is comparing grooming Dick to endanger himself in the fight against justice to purchasing a woman lacking any free will as a sex slave! I think.

Oh! So that's what this story is about! You know how fully 75% of Batman stories (I did the math on the calculator in my brain!) are about comparing the bad guy to Batman to show how Batman differs by the thinnest of margins (even though those thin margins are noble and shit)?! This story is about justifying what Batman did to Jason and Dick and Barbara and Tim and all the rest he took under his wing and turned into vigilantes! Now we get to see the evil side of doing the same thing. When it's all said and done, we'll be left feeling relieved that Batman did what was best for these kids instead of how we all feel now which is that he's a monster endangering children and using them to balance the suicidal darkness within!

Later that night, Batman decides to check up on Maxwell and his wife since some big thuggish guy was giving Maxwell the creep eye after Maxwell blabbed about Mother. After hacking into the security cameras at Maxwell's place, he discovers Orphan running around throwing knives at cameras. That's vandalism! Batman gears up and rushes out to stop that jerk! This is also the moment when he first creates the file on Mother. The file which none of the Batkids knew anything about. The one Cassandra Cain had along with her Batgum which she gave to Dick. This must be why Batman never told Robin about it. Because the things he and Mother were doing were too similar and he felt weirded out by it. Plus Mother was in Prague and they were already going there to find the Scarecrow, so why just confuse matters by mentioning it to the kid?

Batman does some research on Alicia and finds that when she was known as Gwendolyn, her family were shot before her eyes. She was kidnapped to be used as a product for rich men later in life. She--and many others--were purposefully orphaned to be shaped into products for Mother.

Since you decided to do it at least two more times, I'm going to guess that you eventually decide you're not guilty of that.

Back to the present, Dick makes the realization that it was the moment they left for Prague when Batman began concealing the Mother thing from him. He then tells Jason Todd that he's going to Prague and that he's not going to tell Harper or Cassandra about all of this mess. Jason Todd, being much smarter than the Who's Who gives him credit for, says, "You realize what you're doing, right? Do I need to make a chart so you can see how you're making all of the same mistakes Batman made? Should I draw a picture of you wearing bat ears? Maybe you should, you know, be honest with everyone? Let us all work this crap out together?" And Dick is all, "No time! No time! I have to get to Prague!" But then he thinks better of it because he knows Babs won't kiss him if he reminds her too much of Batman and he heads out to pick up Harper and Cass on his way.

Mother gets a one panel cameo at the end of the issue but I don't recognize her because she was drawn by Tony S. Daniel but she had lines on her face which totally confused me because I was all, "Is that a man? Is Mother a man? Twist!"

Batman and Robin Eternal #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was the issue that reveals what to expect for the next 46 weeks! Batman is on trial for being a creepy old guy manipulating the lives of children and brainwashing them to act in ways they never would have acted on their own! Or...is he?! Once again, Batman faces off against a twisted mirror image of his own life! Joker! Wrath! Scarecrow! Catwoman...um, probably! And now Mother! Will Batman be found guilty of being gross?! Or will he be judged innocent of creepy intent?! Only a jury of Batkids can decide! Hopefully after they engage in multiple sexual escapades!

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Prez #5

That "Teen" tattoo seems like it'll be a bad idea for a high percentage of her life.

Teenagers, right?! 'nuff said!

So a teenager has become the president of the United States of America! That is some crazy shit right there! You can't make that stuff up! Hilarious! And of course she's doing a better job than any other president in the entire history of presidents! Mostly because she's one smart cookie with super cute freckles. Her hair is cute too. And she's got a tight body and a cool sense of fashion. She probably has like some skills or something too but who cares?! She's adorable!

The issue begins by pointing out how conservative news reporters and talk show hosts are idiots. That's a smart observation! It makes me think as I read it, "Yeah! I've totally thought how vacuous and simple-minded their arguments are! Right on, comic book!" It's too bad that stupid idiots who enjoy conservative news programs won't read this and think, "Yeah! I am a super huge idiot for swallowing this pap and disinformation! Der!" Hopefully nobody reading this right now is applauding what I've written and saying, "Right on!", while high-fiving their stupid friend who follows them around just in case there's a high-fiving moment. I'm just saying be careful about cheering me on because I'll probably be lampooning your beliefs unfairly in a few paragraphs and then you'll feel a bit awkward and embarrassed and won't be able to look your high-five friend directly in the eyes.

Corn Dog Girl is all, "America is terrible and I'm here to apologize for all the terrible stuff we've done!" And the ditz who somehow has a job interviewing politicians says, "You hate America because you don't support sending young men to their deaths or to be horribly wounded so that when they return to the United States from a corporate sponsored war you can feel good by referring to them as heroes!" And I'm reading this comic book and thinking, "I wonder if President Ross gives lap dances?"

Corn Dog Girl decides to travel the world apologizing in person for America's past abuses of practically whatever you can think of. Do you have a dictionary nearby? Open it up. Point to a word. Whatever it is, America took advantage of it while probably killing a bunch of people who couldn't speak English. Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm exaggerating. Of course they spoke English although it was only as a second language.

In the future, fashionable lady's underwear is just mummy bandages. So fucking hot.

Meanwhile the newest model of American imperialist violence has escaped from the lab. It's name is War Beast and it loves musicals where women don't love men but the men keep pushing and pushing and singing and just hanging around and never taking no for an answer until finally the woman sighs and shrugs her shoulders and marries him and cries herself to sleep every night for the rest of her life. Musicals are so romantic!

War Beast travels America living in a port-o-potty. I hope he's also writing poetry which is competent at best but really sends a message to bourgeois adults who just don't fucking get it at all, man.

War Beast's mouth is an asshole!

The definition of maturity is when you stop thinking about assholes as gross or funny and begin masturbating to them.

Oh my god. Hottest president ever after Garfield.

The CEOs all have holographic projections covering their heads to maintain anonymity. The guy in the previous scan is Big Pharma. They call him Pharmaduke. Get it?! Ha ha! That dog was crazy. Although I think 97% of the jokes in a Marmaduke comic were "The dog is really big."

Pharmaduke is all, "We're working on a cat flu vaccine that is guaranteed not to cause morons to think it causes autism. But we need more money to buy bigger facilities because I'm just so big!" Corn Dog Girl is all, "I have freckles! Cute ones and not disgusting ones! Imagine my naked booby, Tess! Imagine it!" This comic book is really good!

Then it's time to explore the jet Corn Dog Girl will be taking on her Sorry America Stepped On All Of Your Toes Tour!

Duh. It's a meat generator. Who would masculinize it? Also look how easily its feelings were hurt! Zing!

Zinging the entire female gender is probably not a great idea in this social climate where we're all currently pretending everybody is equal. Look, I warned you earlier that you were going to regret high-fiving your high-five friend!

Let the apologies begin!

That Iraqi guy's English is spectacular! But that Japanese guy? What does he want from America? We never bombed them with two atomic bombs again! Meaning!

Corn Dog Girl...shit! Excuse me! I keep calling her that. I'm such a dick. President Corn Dog Girl visits Pakistan next. She wants to meet with the insurgents as well as the Pakistan government although she should probably call them freedom fighters in their presence. But the Pakistan government is all, "Fuck those dicks! If you give them one ounce of apology, we'll let loose our Russian Automated Sentry Robots! And you know how poorly programmed those pieces of shit are!" But President Corn Dog Girl is all, "We must make peace no matter the risk to ourselves!" Then she looks around to see how many people are clapping but only finds lots of people working on eulogies for her funeral.

Back in church, War Beast continues to seek redemption.

Based on the last issue mention of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, I would have liked to have seen War Beast choose the name Dorcas.

Pharmaduke tells his assistant Candi that the stock market doesn't work at all because it's just a popularity contest. The stock market is exactly like the comic book market in the 90s. Blue Chip stocks are those that are too expensive to be battered by speculation. They're the Amazing Fantasy #15s and the Action Comic #1s of the market. But most of the stock market is composed of variant covers, holographic card inserts, chrome covers, and horrible looking but mind-boggingly popular 90s Image comics. They're only of any real value while everybody believes they have value. Stock market analysts have to tell people that "bubbles" aren't really part of the stock market and that nobody should worry about them because people need to keep investing in the market or the whole thing collapses. Money isn't simply generated in the market if it's left alone, no matter how many moronic, ignorant assholes tell you that. People make money in the stock market because new money constantly flows into the stock market. And it only does that if people are convinced that it's some plodding machine that continually grows money over the years no matter what happens. But bubbles are part of the market. And the market can suffer a catastrophic collapse if all you millenials just decided to give the finger to all of the generations before you (who deserve it because they've given you the finger every day of your lives) and just completely ignored the stock market. Don't even bother with it. Just let it die! You have the power! Just like Sailor Moon!

What was the comic book talking about before I remembered how much I hated Image Comics in the 90s? Oh yeah! Pharmaduke is being a real dick about releasing the cat flue vaccine. Somebody is going to make him pay! Probably those Anonymous Hacker guys who are like the greatest Joes and Janes in the world! Totally doing a good job! Pip pip! Keep doing what you're doing which is mostly ignoring me!

Back in Pakistan, President Corn Dog Girl is all, "I'm saying important things and looking cute while doing it!"

This is only Page Sixteen and I feel like I've already read three comic books! More comic books should have this much story. Stupid decompression. I blame the millenials!

The Millenials should really consider changing their label to The Scapegoat Generation. Goats are cool.

As President Corn Dog Girl leaves her meeting with the insurgents (who are only surging for water!), the Russian Robots attack! They kill everyone which, you have to admit, solves the problem. You know what also solves the problem? Giving everybody water, food, and basic necessities. During the attack, President Corn Dog Girl's Tour Jet is shot down! The Ambassador almost dies from cardiac arrest but President Corn Dog Girl thinks fast and has Tabitha the Meat Maker create a heart to use as a transplant! It totally makes sense because the future! It also allows for an awesome cameo!

Yay Carl!

Prez #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is worth more than most comic books because it tells 300% more story. Also the art is fantastic. Also the jokes are funny. Also it comments on our culture and probably makes fun of all the correct people. Insults are so funny but you have to be careful who they're directed at or else they become bullying which is bad. Only bully the people it is socially acceptable to bully! And remember: President Corn Dog Girl is my favorite so you should just move on to somebody else. Oh, who am I kidding? Hardly anybody is reading this comic book so I'm definitely the biggest fan of Corn Dog Girl.

Wasn't this some great entertainment?! And just think: it's only one of fifty pieces that you'll be missing out on once Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea goes Membership Only! Don't think I won't do it! I pretty much write these for myself anyway. What do I care if you're not getting them for free anymore?! Cough up one dollar per month already before you begin missing out! Go to my Patreon site and sign up today! Or later this month. Whatever!