"Justice League Spooky" is a much better name than "Justice League Dark."

The Creeper #1

I expected to scan this cover and just get a gigantic lens flare.

I'm just going to read all of these in random order, so lets get Ann Nocenti's amazing piece of crap out of the way first. Bonus: Story by Dan DiDio!

So back in the 16th Century Japan which is a time when there were Japanese people and it was the 16th Century, a small boy named Jakku allowed a demon to live behind his tongue. "It's okay, Jakku," it would say when his father would begin drinking too much and verbally abusing the rest of the family. "Everything will be okay, Jakku." Jakku would waggle his finger and speak in a raspy voice when he was being the demon. Or pretending to be the demon, the Ninja Therapist his parents took him to would say. "You see, Mister and Missus Jakku, your son is suffering from a disassociated personality. He's escaping what he finds to be an insufferable home life that doesn't provide him the adequate feeling of love and safety needed for a young boy his age. Might I suggest a long, extended vacation? Perhaps to a monastery up on Mt. Fuji? They're completely isolated in the worst parts of winter and I hear one of them needs a caretaker for the winter while the monks go on a religious sojourn. Perhaps you and your family could go there and bond." The family thought this was a divine idea, especially the mother! Jakku's father decided he could get some Haiku writing done in the peace and stillness of the deserted monastery. But Jakku was worried that a change in locale would not confer a change in his father's attitude. "I don't want to go, Mr. Jakku," complained the demon before killing Jakku's family and the entire village leaving Jakku to wonder how he, alone, remained alive. "It will be okay," said the demon. "Everything will be okay."

I fucking can't stand arbitrary chaos! Give me well-scheduled and orderly chaos every fucking time!

For twenty years, Jakku's demon made him do horrible, terrible things but then left the blame on a passing tornado every time. But that did not fool The Mad Samurai! And since the Mad Samurai didn't know that Jakku's Demon had already explained why it chose Jakku on the first page, The Mad Samurai repeats the story on the third page. But you'd have thought that Ann Nocenti would have noticed.

So the Mad Samurai destroys Jakku and his little demon buddy. I think the Mad Samurai's name is Halloran and he wields the Soultaker Sword!

I'm pretty excite for Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining set to be released this month!

So The Mad Samurai fought his way to the top of the Sword Clan of the Outsiders. He says he was crazy and he says crazy people know they're crazy. But he can't speak for all crazy people. He can only speak for himself. I suspect it's more that crazy people, at times of greater lucidity, suspect that they might be crazy. Like Philip K. Dick!

In my later years when I'm somehow recounting the tale of my death, I'm going to be sure to use a lot of sexual euphemisms.

Once inside the Soultaker sword, The Mad Samurai was tortured by The Creeper as was every other soul which was inside the blade. But only a few matter because they're characters that have been set loose from the sword over in Katana, like Maseo and Mona Shard and probably the Dragon thing that Killer Croc is supposed to be turning into his best friend.

Eventually the story begins to repeat shit from Katana. As if I ever needed to revisit that garbage! For some reason, The Creeper decides to possess a corpse. I'm not saying that I think that's stupid since this is a comic book but I am typing it: that's fucking stupid. But I suppose since The Phantom Stranger got him killed for The Font in the Sky's mysterious purposes, The Font in the Sky miraculously kept Jack Ryder's body in a state of near death and perfectly sealed freshness.

Once The Creeper possesses Jack Ryder (a feat known as "riding" which Ann Nocenti will never let us fucking forget. "I'm gonna ride this!" "Gotta go find a body to ride!" "Ride 'em if ya got 'em!" "Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride!"), it goes on a random spree of chaotic randomness. It's truly terrible for all of the boring people trying to live boring lives who don't fucking care about things that ambitious people actually think everybody cares about. How dare people just want to raise a family and have a quiet life?! Ugh! So fucking boring! You should be out burning shit down or drinking a lot or yelling "WOOOO!" everywhere you to prove to everybody around you that you're living an exciting life!

I really don't like The Creeper. I have the smallest inkling of suspicions that it's because Ann Nocenti is writing him though.

Some stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder isn't dead. Then some other stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead. Then some sort of different stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead.

I can't tell if Jack Ryder is dead or not!

Whatever the case, The Creeper begins forcing people to commit atrocities overnight so that Jack Ryder can report on them in the morning. I don't think that's the Creeper's main reason; he just likes arbitrary chaos. But that's what happens anyhow. And then one night, The Creeper gets tired of letting humans have all the fun and he flips the fuck out on San Francisco.

If I could make one wish, I wouldn't waste it on world peace. I'd wish that Ann Nocenti would never write another line of dialogue for the rest of my life. Yes, my life. When I die, she can get back to it.

Then Jack Ryder experiences the same sense of grief and loss and survivor's guilt that little Jakka Torrance felt way back in 16th Century Japan. Get it? They were both named Jack! Hee hee hee hee! THE CREEPER!

The Creeper #1 Rating: Fuck you! I'm not rating this piece of shit! We do all realize that this is our only life, right? Because I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. Why else would I spend so much of my finite awareness in this universe on Ann Nocenti's writing?! What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be punishing myself for some past sin that I can't quite remember. Or can remember but won't tell on a blog without first researching the statute of limitations on the punishment for that sin!

One non-Ann Nocenti thing that I did learn while reading this comic book is that it doesn't really matter which comic book the Villain has taken over because they're only tentatively linked to each other. So The Creeper is a magic creature so he gets to take over Justice League Dark. Even though it would have been better off if this were an issue of Katana. My guess is that DC actually wanted to sell some copies of The Creeper #1, so they didn't want to tie it to that crapfest Katana.

The Creeper! (as seen in Katana)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Jack Ryder
Occupation: Investigative Reporter
Marital Status: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Boston, Mass.
First Appearance: SHOWCASE #73
Height:6'0" Weight: 194 lbs.
Eyes: Blue (as Creeper: Black)
Hair: Black (as Creeper: Green)

HISTORY
Fired as host of a local TV talk show, Jack Ryder took a job as a network security investigator [What the fuck does that mean?] and found himself assigned to protect professor Emil Yatz [Network security investigators offer bodyguard services? I'm just asking! I have no idea what Jack Ryder fucking does!], a Russian defector being sought by Soviet agents who intended to kidnap the Professor and return him behind the Iron Curtain [Holy fuck! Remember when we lived in a world with an Iron Curtain?!].

In order to infiltrate a costume party where the kidnappers were rumored to be gathering [All of them dressed as the ass end of a horse costume.], Jack threw together a makeshift outfit from old odds and ends, including yellow makeup and a shaggy sheepskin rug. Thus clad, Jack was able to discover that the Professor was being held prisoner at the party, but while attempting to free Yatz, Jack was critically stabbed [A natural 20?] and taken prisoner as well.

Yatz had in his possession two discoveries which represented his life's work and which he could not bear to let fall into this enemies' hands [Two items to show his life's work? That's one ambitious motherfucker. The only thing anybody would get from my life's work falling into the wrong hands is a really amazing grip for masturbation. Seriously. It's stunning!]. One discovery was a serum that served as an instant healing aid. Designed to provide greater strength and stamina, Yatz used the serum to treat Jack's wound. The other discovery was a device capable of rearranging the molecular structure of matter, making it weightless and invisible [Imagine if he spilled the second discovery on his first discovery! D'oh!] This disc-like device Yatz implanted in Jack's wound, which completely healed moments later as a result of the serum [Gross. And malpractice.]. Pressing the activator for the device, Jack found that his costume had become invisible. Tapping the activator again, Jack's costume reappeared, even as a stray bullet killed Professor Yatz [Now, I'm a Writer with a capital "W", so you'd think I'd be able to figure out just exactly why that last sentence is so fucking funny.].

Using his newfound power to overcome his foes [His power to make his clothes disappear? That would probably only overcome me if I were particularly horny when he encountered me. But then he just might get a glimpse of my life's work!], Jack realized his bizarre appearance gave him an edge over his opponents and decided to play the role of madman to the hilt.

Laughing insanely and speaking like an otherworldly creature, Jack defeated the terrified kidnappers [Really? They're at a costume party and they're terrified of a man in a costume? Worst fucking Russian hitmen ever. EVER!], earning the name The Creeper in the process [Because he kept standing around yelling, "Look at me! Naked! Now not naked! Now naked! Now not naked!"?].

Over the next months, as Jack was pursued by both the Police [Understandable.] and the underworld, his career as The Creeper suffered various ups and downs. He even went temporarily insane at one point as a result of the Professor's serum [Not to mention the gigantic fucking disc that was shoved inside of him.]. Cured of his insanity with the aid of the Batman (see Batman [Just in case you don't know who the fuck that is, asshole.]), Jack ultimately moved from Gotham City to Boston, where he now works as an investigative reporter while continuing his war against crime as The Creeper. [Look at that. They couldn't even pretend that last statement was exciting enough for an exclamation point. How come there isn't a piece of punctuation used for the end of really disappointing statements? The Unimpressive Point?]

POWERS & WEAPONS
An Olympic-level athlete and brawling hand-to-hand combatant, The Creeper has devised a leaping, capering, singular style of battle designed to cover his comparative inexperience. Couple with a maniacal laugh, this freeform combat style has made The Creeper a most formidable foe [Fuck I'd love to see a UFC contender who used laughter as part of his attack.]. As a result of Professor Yatz's serum, The Creeper has amazing recuperative powers, as well as extraordinary strength and stamina.

The molecular transducer implanted in his side enables Jack to transform himself into the Creeper [You forgot to capitalize the "the", assholes!] and back to Jack Ryder again almost instantaneously. As The Creeper, his costume remains on his body, invisible and virtually weightless [Don't you mean as Jack Ryder? Idiots.].

Katana #6

Surprise! I bet nobody saw this coming!

Yesterday, Gail Simone reblogged my commentary on Batgirl #22 and said that my blog was hilarious and mean. I received about fifteen new followers yesterday because of it. Well, new followers, that commentary was a good example of the hilarious. But this book is written by Ann Nocenti. So get the fuck ready for a whole passel of the mean!

But first (and I realize I posted this by itself on Tumblr but not all my readers see the Tumblr feed), here's a flyer for the new charity I dreamt up this morning while half asleep and trying to go back to full sleep.

I should get a job writing copy for non-profits. Maybe this should be a really shitty t-shirt?

Back to Katana, last issue the entire action of the comic book moved to Japan. Every character involved in the story in Issue #4 was just transported to Japan for very important reasons that Ann Nocenti has yet to completely explain. But I have a feeling she needed Katana to go on a journey before returning home to discover what she always wanted was right there where she began. Like Dorothy! Or Bilbo!

You know what else Dorothy and Bilbo have in common? They're both thieves!

Issue #5 ended with all of the characters (plus a new one named Swagger) involved in a brawl that just got the greatest swordsmith to ever live (besides Junko) killed! So this issue begins with Katana making out with her sword.

Of course! How could I not have guessed this so fucking obvious beginning?

Her love making session with the sword is interrupted by The Creeper choking the shit out of her with his chain and lecturing her in his Valley Girl speak. I have no idea where an ancient demon picked up the "as if"s and the "boooooooooring"s. Maybe he picks up Jack Ryder's speech patterns and maybe Jack Ryder is a right fucking twat. It's also possible that I just have no idea why Ann Nocenti writes anything she writes. She may be a super villain and she's simply trying to confuse the world so she can slip in and take over.

And just as quickly as The Creeper arrives, he's forced to retreat back to Jack Ryder due to the rising of the sun. Why the fuck is The Creeper even in this comic book? He keeps appearing at the end of each issue only to run off at the beginning of the next one. Perhaps The Creeper was forced on Ann Nocenti by editorial and this is the way she's dealing with it. The Creeper arrives, kills the Swordsmith, lectures Katana, and then has to retreat from the rising sun. This ancient Japanese demon should probably invest in a watch.

Katana's wit is as sharp as her sword!

That last caption was a joke because her sword is broken and useless. I felt the need to point that out so that nobody actually thought that last panel was well written or interesting. It is mesmerizing, though. I think I've reread it about twenty times now. I just can't stop reading "Guess he picked a drunk to ride" and then "What's wrong, you pick a drunk to ride?" It's poetic. But not in a good way! It's poetic in that way a poem is poetic when some stranger at a party comes up to you and begins reciting a poem he wrote and you don't want to be a complete dick so you grin and nod your head and drink your drink as fast as you can so you can raise the empty glass at him and go, "Oh! Refill!" and run off to tell everybody about his bad poetry.

The Creeper flies off into the pre-dawn darkness while Katana watches him go and says, "I was right. Creeper missed most of the night because his host is a lush. And now he's gotta go back and endure the guy's hangover." And then, according to the next page, she collapses on the ground at the point of dying. That's what happens when you take the time to gloat, Katana! You allow yourself time to bleed out. But it was worth it, wasn't it? Telling him off! Showing him you were right! But now you'd better hope Sickle can stop the bleeding before Swagger realizes she should jump on this opportunity to kill you.

But while Sickle erotically tries to save Katana's life, Katana's husband's soul notices the way Sickle sexily puts pressure on the wound and lovingly tells Katana she can kill him later.

Never mind that Maseo had already told Katana to let him go and move on. Fucking guys. They don't want to be with a woman until some other guy is saving her life!

Sickle's supposition of jealousy speaks more towards his reasons for helping Katana than for Maseo attacking since Maseo isn't actually attacking. I guess that means Sickle still loves Katana! Maseo, on the other hand, also loves Katana. Did I use "on the other hand" correctly? I think I used it wrong. Anyway, Maseo takes over the Master Swordsmith's corpse so that she can be alive again for a little while and fix the Soultaker. So I guess I was wrong about Junko. Well, fuck me. I get to be wrong once in my life.

Meanwhile, Swagger doesn't do shit. Where the fuck did she go? She was in the final panel of Issue Five when The Creeper appeared. Shouldn't the editor have done something about this?

Harvey Richards: "Hey, Ann. What happened to Swagger? Shouldn't she be trying to kill Katana when she's near death here?"
Ann Nocenti: "Oh, fuck. I forgot she was there! She just doesn't fit in with this part of the story. Besides, it's been a month. Nobody will remember she was still hanging around."
Harvey Richards: "You do realize we collect these things into Trade Paperbacks, right? I think people will notice then."
Ann Nocenti: "So just have Sanchez draw her in later. She can be picking her thong out of her ass or something. That usually takes a while."

Oh wait! Here's Swagger's first appearance on Page Six!

I guess her line about thinking the Creeper would finish off Katana explains everything. Except why she sat back waiting for Katana to bleed out as Sickle helped her. Or why she's suddenly on the ground when she was just fine when we left her.

This bitch is crazy! I think Ann Nocenti should be forced to use less words.

Katana is taken by surprise and almost killed by Swagger. That's what Katana gets for forgetting that she was fighting Swagger and her men and not just The Creeper. Kenji brings out some weapons and Katana tells him to give her the hatchet. It's the first time I've ever seen anybody refer to a battle axe as a hatchet. I guess Katana is only familiar with swords. But then she's also been calling Swagger's weapon a rapier and it in no fucking way is a rapier! Perhaps Katana has a learning disorder? Maybe that's why she took the name Katana so she could remember what kind of sword she uses?

Oh! And her inability to know which weapon is which would explain the cover of Issue #5 if we believe it was the way she was perceiving the encounter!

See? She can't remember what a Sickle is called so she thinks this is Coil! Poor girl!

As Katana fights, she Narration Boxes, "I'm not used to the end-heavy balance of a hatchet. Deadly little thing, though." That "little thing" is bigger than Katana's torso! I have a feeling Ann Nocenti and Alex Sanchez weren't exactly in communication while they were working on their parts of the comic. And the editor either didn't notice or thinks Katana's disability is cute.

While Katana tries to study all of the weapons during the fight so she can do her best against her disorder, the Master Swordsmith goes about reforging the Soultaker. She says a bunch of annoying shit that I guess some people like. I should probably compare this Swordsmith and her speeches to Wordsmith Ann Nocenti and her scripts but thinking about things takes too much work. Nobody wants to hear me wax philosophic on the theme of the Swordsmith recreating the Soultaker in much the same way the Wordsmith is recreating Katana.

Although I do want to discuss Jack Ryder! He just flew to Japan to film one slight on location news segment and it's apparently the hit of Japan! But that's in the past. Let's see what's going on in Jack Ryder's future!

Good luck with that stupid lawsuit. First there is footage of you being eaten by some crazy monster on live television at PGN. So anybody saying you were dead has reason to believe it. But more to the point, let's not forget that YOUR FUCKING BODY WAS SHIPPED FROM METROPOLIS TO SAN FRANCISCO SO YOUR FAMILY COULD BURY YOU!

I guess that's all I had to say about Jack Ryder. I remember when I was fascinated by The Creeper character but that was years ago and before Ann Nocenti was the primary writer of the character. I imagine Justice League Dark #23.1 is going to be a rollicking good time! If you like court dramas and long-winded explanations of liable and slander.

Meanwhile Sickle tells Katana how to fight and then exclaims that they're good together. I hope Sickle is the first person Katana kills with the new and improved Soultaker. Then Maseo and his brother can once again be reunited and they can both sleep with the woman they love.

During the fight, Katana's battle axe slowly shrinks every panel it's shown until it really is about the size of a double headed hatchet. I think Alex Sanchez may have gotten a few phone calls from Harvey by this time. "NO! SMALLER! EVEN SMALLER! SMALLER THAN THAT!"

I can't really tell who is winning during the fight because nobody seems to be hurt or dying yet every time Swagger, Sickle, or Katana swing their weapons, blood flies around the panel. So somebody is getting injured but I have no idea who the fuck it might be.

And then Katana smells that her sword is done!

"TOO SMALL!"

Katana manages to get her sword back after Swagger tries to use it herself and burns her hands. This finally causes Swagger to retreat because how is she going to wield her Springy, Willowy Daggers anymore? She calls out for her dead followers to follow her and disappears into comic book limbo. I hope.

Katana's sword no longer contains the spirits of those it killed because the Master Swordsmith did not have time to invoke the "stupid spiritual ritual" while reforging it. That means Katana has her 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo on the loose! She'll probably have to hunt them down because she can't let a bunch of crazy ghosts roam around riding innocent people. The first ghost she starts with is Maseo. She orders her husband back in the sword. But he doesn't seem interested. I don't blame you, Maseo; neither am I.

Chill, Maseo. It's not like she has a deadline.

Katana #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue wasn't as editorially bad as last issue and it didn't make me quite as angry as I expected it to. But the characters don't speak like their backgrounds would indicate they should speak and Nocenti just bends logic and reality (even if it's just comic book reality!) to the breaking points. I used to love the character of Katana (especially in relation to Halo in The Outsiders comic) but I suppose I'm going to have to come to terms with my new hatred for The New 52 version.

Katana #5

First off, I've met Coil and that's not him. That's Sickle, you stupid fucking bastards.

I get it, DC. You don't fucking care about quality control. Coil. Sickle. Dagger Boy. Katana. They're all basically the same person. They all find their identity in their weapon. Which makes this error even more egregious in that you can see his fucking weapon in his hand and it looks nothing like a coil. Fucking editors. Apparently the main job of the editors at DC is to drive away the writers.

Last issue ended with The Creeper attacking Katana while she stood on a roof. But she just sidestepped him and he flew past her. The teaser for next month was simply "The Creeper: Born to Kill." So I expected more fight this issue. I don't know why I expected anything by a writer Marvel foisted on to DC to follow from one month to the next because this issue begins with Katana at the Weaponcon in Japan looking for someone to fix her sword.

That DC and Marvel thing wasn't a slight at Marvel writers being bad. Since this is the internet, I feel I need to add this explanation to Ann Nocenti some of the things I say [Ann Nocenti, verb: To over-explain something]. What I meant was that the writers that came from Marvel to help out DC with The New 52 are the worst writers I've ever read. Scott Lobdell. Tom DeFalco. Howard Mackie. Ann Nocenti. It's amazing how consistently shitty this batch of writers has been.

Somebody should have told the artist that a lot of these people were supposed to be wearing spiked hair styles.

Katana enacts Katana Main Action Plan #1: act like a dumb woman. I'm surprised she didn't bring her blonde wig. Hey, that wasn't me making a blondes are dumb joke for anybody reading this commentary that did not read earlier issues of Katana! That was actually one of Katana's plans when she infiltrated a Sword Clan gathering where she first met Sickle! Wait a second. Katana is acting dumb to infiltrate a group of people and, judging by the cover, she's going to meet Sickle? Ann Nocenti is Scott Lobdelling this shit [Scott Lobdell, verb: To recycle a plot over and over]!

Finally! I always thought Katana was too strong and independent for a widowed Japanese woman, completely protecting Halo and telling her husband to shut the fuck up because she knows what she's doing and standing up to The Batman! It's about time Katana is portrayed as lost without her husband's voice telling her what to do. DC already has enough women characters that exist outside of a man's sphere of influence.

Katana speaks with a swordmaker about possibly getting her katana fixed. He knows of a crazy hill woman that might be able to fix it who has a red-headed grandson that comes to town sometimes who can fix swords. But then he's killed in a way that makes Tatsu think maybe her husband did it. Plus the man was killed by a throwing star to the back of the neck and yet he still dies pointing to a blonde woman. Or at least that's Tatsu's crime scene investigation theory. But how would a stupid blonde woman be able to pull off that kill?! The assassin must be using Katana Main Action Plan #1!

This issue is called "Born to Kill" like the teaser from last month. I suppose The Creeper is still likely to make an appearance. Maybe he's the murderer, hiding beneath a blonde wig! He probably tailed Katana to Japan after not being able to climb back up the building in San Francisco and continue fighting her. He, like all of the other souls freed from the sword, probably doesn't want her reforging it.

And on the next page, Jack Ryder is waking up from a drunken stupor on the floor of a Japanese Roadhouse. His producer got him work in Japan! Somehow! Plotting comic books is easy! Just do whatever the fuck you want and get to the punching!

It's easier to write it that way, Jack. Just go with it.

I'm not sure why Ann Nocenti needed to move the action to Japan. This would work out much better if she just left all of the characters in San Francisco. I guess I could just not give a shit about how and why everyone ends up in Japan. Fuck it! I should just not give a shit about anything anymore. The world is perfect! I'm just going to accept it as it is. Somebody get me a shot of heroin and I'll embrace Ann Nocenti fully and completely. Numb the shit out of my caring chip and I'll be good to fucking go!

Jack Ryder has a bit of a conversation with his producer about a rumor on the internet that Jack is dead. It seems odd to me that Jack's producer didn't see the footage of Jack being eaten by My Favorite Monster over in The Phantom Stranger. It was fucking on live television. Also, nobody told Jack's producer about Jack's body being flown to San Francisco where Jack's family was preparing the funeral and waiting for the corpse. I'm just saying, it's really pretty odd that all of this real life shit has now been boiled down to an internet rumor by some troll that everybody should just ignore. Because there is no fucking evidence that the rumor is true! None at all! Nope!

Somebody better hurry up with that fucking heroin!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Coil and Sickle are watching the news like every character in comic books all the time so that they can hear about the murder at the Weaponcon. This I can buy because it's a comic book staple! And I grew up in the Bay Area where things like Japanese TV being broadcast on local Bay Area stations were a staple! Although it would still have been better if all the action was happening in San Francisco. Now Coil Sickle needs to catch a plane to Japan (Supersonic, of course, so he can arrive in a believable amount of time (believable if I can get that heroin into my veins, anyway)) so he can save Katana from being murdered by the Sword Clan who will obviously attack her once they realize that swordmakers are being killed in a way that only Tatsu's husband Maseo was known for killing.

Am I being culturally insensitive or is the artist when I look at this image and think, "That isn't fucking Japan."

Katana hops into Kenji's Mustang and tells him to take her to his Grandma's house. He looks really worried with the scribbles all over his face because he doesn't want to be seen with Katana. Katana talks him into fixing her sword because it'll bring him great fame and lots of poontang. But as they're heading to see Grandma, a truck with the license plate "BEATINGU" runs Kenji's Aston Martin (or Corvette or Porsche or whatever fucking now non-Mustang car he's driving) off the road.

Look at that car! It couldn't be much more different from the car they got into earlier! This comic book just went all kinds of Howard Mackie [Howard Mackie, adjective: 1. being invisible to editors. 2. possessing every single piece of punctuation in the English language in one sentence.].

The person running them off the road turns out to be Swagger, the mistress assassin of the Sword Clan. Being that they're in Japan, I would have thought the Sword Clan would have sent a Japanese assassin after them. Now, I suppose Swagger could be Japanese since I'm basing my judgmental and shallow opinion on her looks. But I would expect her to have a Japanese name. Now I know the Japanese love peppering their language with English words, so that might be part of it as well. But it just seems like for a comic book taking place in Japan, the Japanese aren't really being represented here.

Swagger possesses two swords that are kept in sheaths that wrap around her body. So here's another villain with bendy swords! My guess is that these bendy swords are called "Swaggers" which stand for springy, willowy daggers.

Swagger and Katana fight Ann Nocenti style where they throw awkward, over-explained insults at each other like "You're vain. Vain women hate to get kicked in the face" and "Hope you like pink flowers, Little Girl. Staked to a cherry blossom tree. A pretty headstone." Katana calls Swagger's weapons rapiers but I'm not buying it since I saw the way they were drawn. Katana also calls Swagger a rotten Outsider. So I guess this Sword Clan is part of the Seven Clans from Green Arrow. So does that mean the Dagger Clan is the missing clan? Probably not since that would be a stupid surprise reveal Clan. I think the Dagger Clan is just the Cub Scouts of the Sword Clan's Boy Scouts. Swagger also mentions that she's the leader of Japan's Sword Clan which seems odd since she was introduced as the Mistress Assassin of the Sword Clan. I would think calling her the leader would have been more important.

Leaving Swagger pinned to a tree, Katana and Kenji zip off in their magic car and arrive at Grandma's house where Katana kind of convinces her to fix her sword.

Why is he winking? And I'm guessing everyone is speaking Japanese. So why use Cain and Abel as the brother killing brother example? Not that I know any Japanese examples but I'm sure they'd be more apt here.

The Grandmother must be the comic book representation of Ann Nocenti because when Katana says she wants to clean the rot from the Outsider Clans, the grandmother explains why Katana is being stupid. She points out how you can't clear the rot from a forest. But that might not be a good enough explanation so she also points out that you can't cleanse fire of its smoke. And if that didn't make it clear enough, she explains that you can't clean dirt. I'm still a little bit confused about her point. I think what she's trying to say is don't ever try to do anything, you stupid cunt.

And then Swagger is back to finish off Katana! Katana has a real problem not finishing her stupid fucking fights. Since she left her sword sticking out of Swagger's belly a few pages ago, she has to resort to throwing bladed fans at Swagger and her thugs. And then Sickle arrives because he flew on a supersonic jet across the Pacific! And the art shows that it's night now, so apparently enough time has passed to make this not seem stupid at all.

Also not stupid is the way Maseo's ghost is still stalking Tatsu even after he gave her the move on with your life I'm fucking dead speech. And he's gone all romantic comedy on her!

I forgot Sickle was Maseo's brother. But that just makes the misunderstanding even more comedic!

Then everybody stops fighting as The Creeper arrives and kills Grandma Master Swordmaker! Be with us next time for 'Katana Hot Tin Roof' or 'A Creeper Named Desire.'

Katana #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Most of this minus one ranking isn't Ann Nocenti's fault. This was just another DC Comic with way too many editorial mistakes. I'm still not sure why Katana had to go to Japan for this. I think it has to do with the typical Quest Junko sent her on where she has to travel far flung lands only to return to the place she left to find what she needs. I'm sure Junko will be the one to fix her stupid Soultaker.

Katana #4

How come The Creeper was able to reform after being freed from Soultaker? Why did the other souls just dissipate or float away?

DC has done some pretty egregious things in their pursuit of money but I can forgive all of them. All of them except for this comic book. I take this personally. I was excited about a Katana solo comic book! She was going to be free of Duane Swier-Goddamn-his-name-is-hard-to-spell-ynski! No longer would I have to read a poorly characterized Katana that never learned anything! One that would no longer simply react to situations instead of formulating plans! Katana was going to have a place to show her potential! And then I saw that Ann Nocenti was going to be writing it and I cried for five days straight. I really wish Nocenti had disappointed me on this comic book. Being disappointed by Ann Nocenti is not getting what you expect to get and what I expected to get was horrible writing which is what I got so it would have been nice to be disappointed by her and see her write a good comic book.

I have a feeling I'm going to be drawing another farmyard animal pretty soon!

The first page answers my question about the other souls. They have taken shape and are all standing around like Will-o'-the-Wisps. And one of them is the dragon Killer Croc was looking for! So now he doesn't need the sword or to kill Katana, right? He can interview the Dragon or suck down its essence or do whatever crazy thing he was going to do to it. And Katana can take her broken sword to Drunk Master and get it reforged. And everybody can go home happy and nobody needs to make a visit to Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

A little girl soul flees from the scene as Katana narrates more nonsense.

Stupid hammers. Always objectifying nails.

Since her Katana is broken, Katana decides to fight with her fan. Too bad she doesn't also carry a Wakizashi. Because then she could fight with it. Or, you know, disembowel herself for great pride.

While Katana and Killer Croc fight, the souls talk amongst themselves in an effort to help the reader learn more about the connection between the souls and the Soultaker. It seems the Soultaker has been broken many times before and the souls escape and then the sword is reforged and then the souls go back in the sword. But it seems, watching the little girl soul head off to find somebody to cut, that the souls can find a new body before the sword is reforged so that they can live again. The Creeper wants to make sure he never goes back into the sword, so he wants to destroy it completely. He tells Katana to hold on for a minute while he rounds up a body to inhabit so he can kick her ass. Katana says, "Okay. I'll be right here waiting while getting my heart broken."

Good thing all of her enemies are busy so she can have a moment to wallow in self-pity.

Killer Croc runs off with his new Dragon Soul buddy. The big eared, insane goblin samurai seen earlier hanging out with the dragon has now traded in his big goblin ears for horns on his samurai helmet. He decides to carry Katana back to her home. He may or may not have possessed her. He almost certainly peeked at her boobies.

Meanwhile the little girl soul has found a body to possess and heads over to the untouchable prostitute Shun. What good is an untouchable prostitute? Does she just watch? I guess her entire job is to just have tattoos that tell the future and the past. The little girl cuts off Shun's non-dragon tattoo foot because it has a tattoo that relates to her clan. I don't know what kind of a clan a little girl would be in. The Crayola Clan?

Back at Drunken Master's hut, Katana wakes up and tells her story to Junko. He defines some words for her but it's not enough for me to fire up Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm. He merely explains what Purgatory is and what Oni are. Thanks, Junko, but us comic book reading nerds are all familiar with those things! I'm pretty sure Katana already knew them as well being that she's sentient and older than eleven. Katana's broken Katana also made the trip and Junko informs her that it's missing one piece and he gives a biased and judgmental definition of a kris. Then Katana goes to sleep because she's tired from waking up after having slept for a long time.

The next panel after Katana falls asleep shows Katana waking up. I guess Nocenti just wanted Katana to sleep for an indeterminate amount of time so that other pieces of the plot couldn't be questioned as to how they were enacted so quickly. I'm simply assuming that's the case since her continuous sleeping should have a reason. It could be because she was possessed by a narcoleptic samurai. Or, I suppose, she's simply depressed that her husband didn't want to stay by her side as a helpful spirit guide. But Ann Nocenti didn't explain to me that sleeping a lot was a sign of depression! How am I supposed to know that if she won't explain it?!

Katana has a plan now, thanks to Junko. She must go to a weapons expo in Japan to find somebody to reforge her sword. Why do Drunken Masters always send students on pointless journeys so that they can ultimately realize everything they need is right in front of them? I'm sure Junko will be the one to reforge the sword. But before Katana heads to Japan, she needs to go check out Shun's tattoos again.

That was a nice and convoluted way to get The Creeper back into Jack Ryder's body.

Speaking of threads, I know why I dislike Nocenti's writing so much. She's an over-explainer. When she wants to make a point, she writes down every thought that led her to that final point. So to say that nobody is going to clip the thread that connects these two, she has to explain why she's using the thread analogy and where it comes from and how The Creeper knows about it. But when I write, I'm more like a schizophrenic. I'll have a thought that will lead to another thought and probably two or three more thoughts and then I'll write the fifth thought in the progression without revealing the other thoughts because it sounds funnier. It also creates a slightly tilted and insane style. So it's exactly opposite of the way Ann Nocenti overwrites everything although I guess we both sound mad.

By the way, that previous bit about the Three Fates could easily have been an Ann Nocenti Knowledge Fun Farm! Maybe I'll have to put one together at the end that collects all of her great bits of learning.

Later Katana is being criticized by her boss so she leaves work early. She decides to go stand around in full costume on the roofs of buildings when The Creeper attacks her! But he's got bad aim so he loses.

She's going to miss the weapons expo if she keeps farting around in San Francisco.

Katana #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. I have no idea what this comic book title is supposed to be about.

"Hello kids! Are we ready for some barnyard learning!? I bet we are! How many of you kids knew about the Oni, an ancient trickster ghost? Put your hands down and stop trying to correct me! Just listen! They have horns and wild hair and claws! Stop disagreeing with me, you rotten brats! I read this shit on Wikipedia! And how can you disagree with the slight definition I've just given you? You can't, you dumb assholes! Now shut up while I tell you about Purgatory! It's where souls end up that aren't ready to die or have unfinished business! YES IT IS! You know what? Get rid of these kids! Little smart ass twerps. I was going to tell them about The Three Fates but I've had enough of their back talk. Make sure the benches are filled with dumber kids next time! That's all the time we have on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm! Get the fuck out!"