Gotham Academy: Second Semester #9

I have boxes full of pictures of me as a teenager with the girl next to me cut out or burned. The girl was always a mannequin but now it looks like I had a passionate and tempestuous youth.

• This is probably the last Gotham Academy story because DC Comics can't afford to keep paying three different people on story credits.

• Amity Silverlock, using Olive's body, has begun her reign of arsony terror on Gotham's old blood families. She begins by burning down an old Dent home while twirling her mustache.

• The Pizza Mystery Club has plans to save Olive from the angry spirit of her long dead ancestor. Hopefully this plan will finally need Pomeline to get naked.

• Kyle quits the club because Olive doesn't want to fuck him and Colton does.

• The Pizza Mystery Club decide finding Amity Silverlock's bones is probably the best way to defeat her. It worked in that Freddy Kreuger movie, didn't it? No, you know what. I don't think it did. I think he still returned for another pre-cursor to Scream movie and a battle with Jason Voorhees.

• While searching through a small mountain of skulls, the Pizza Club encounter another strange Gotham Academy Student.

I didn't know King Shark had a daughter.

• Apparently Gotham Academy is where all the super villain kids go to school.

• A kid with a fox head and a kid with a crow head seal the kids into the Well of Skulls as it fills up with water. Apparently ghosts aren't the worst things haunting the halls of Gotham Academy. It's also full of furries.

• Olive Silverlock makes friends with Harvey Dent. But she still has to make friends with his coin. His coin decides to help her get revenge on the Cobblepot family next. It's too bad she didn't go after the Wayne family first. This story could be over by now.

• The Mystery Pizza Club discover a legendary secret society called the Terrible Trio comprised of a Fox Person, a Crow Person, and a Shark Person. Their goal was to spread disinformation and cause general mayhem so that other secret societies would never discover the true secrets of Gotham Academy. Maps takes off on her own to investigate them, leaving Colton and Pomeline to figure out a plan that involves Pomeline getting naked on-panel.

• Meanwhile, Kyle didn't quit the club at all. He just went out on his own to follow Olive around Gotham because he's a creepy perv who can't take no for an answer.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #8

When did this comic book take a left turn on What the Fuck Avenue?

The Review!
Batman is chastised with the modern view that he's a monster who simply beats up on people with mental illnesses and then the love of friends and family and warm hugs saves the day. Well, it saves this day, anyway. Olive disappears to continue her arsonistic rampage across Gotham as Cal-Amity Arkham possesses her body. Hopefully Batman will speak nicely to her and not punch her in the face to get her to stop burning the city to the ground.

The Ranking!
No change. Pomeline didn't get naked.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #7

Oh, hello figment of Olive's imagination aka I was right from the beginning.

The Review!
Olive learns that her roommate isn't Amy the Roommate at all. She's a ghost named Amity Arkham, one of Olive's distant relatives. Or, according to Batman (and me, really!), Amity Arkham is just a delusion. It's weird that Olive's mental illness manifests in the exact same way her mother's did. Batman might be the World's Greatest Detective but he isn't really the most caring or sympathetic man when it comes to the mentally ill. Apparently the AA symbol all over the school stands for Amity Arkham instead of Wayne Manor (that makes sense if you saw the symbol. It also could be a W and an M! In fact, it looks a lot more like a W and an M).

Anyway, Pomeline discovers her ancestor was best friends with Amity who was Olive's great to the nth degree grandmother. It seems a bunch of people ruined Amity's life and Amity is still angry about it. So she began a career in possessing her descendants and giving them the power to burn Gotham to the ground. But that stupid Batman keeps stopping that from happening! And before Batman, I bet the Court of Owls stopped it from happening. Or maybe Jonah Hex. Or Booster Gold. Possibly even a Cobblepot or two.

I don't think anything else pertinent to future issues took place. Oh, the Scottish teacher has been secretly meeting with Batman to fuck in the barn and gossip about Olive. Also a few of the kids said "Oh my crap!" in that way they usually do. Plus Colton found a ton of treasure so he'll probably stop stealing everything now that he's rich. Oh, and most importantly of all, Pomeline did not get naked.

The Ranking!
No change!

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #6

It's Wayne Manor Man! Unless it's Arkham Asylum Man!

The Review!
The Pizza Detective Club are currently trying to solve the Mystery of Kyle Giving Colton A Handie, Just To Be Cool, Y'Know? They might also be solving some other mysteries. Like the Mystery of the Stolen Map and the Mystery of the Nerdy Kid With a Crush on Maps, and the Mystery of Olive's Tyler Durden Friendship and the Mystery of Pomeline Fritch's Spectacular Bu...um...maybe I'm the only one trying to solve that mystery.

While searching for a way to reverse Colton's expulsion, Maps finds a clue!

Then why are there only twelve drawers on the dresser?

Maps is a better detective than I am because instead of being a cynical asshole who thinks pointing out a dresser of twelve drawers goes against her theory, she thinks, "There must be a secret thirteenth drawer!" And she finds one! Batman never would have figured that out.

Since the first issue, I've been saying Olive's new roommate Amy isn't real. But it's possible she's not real in a different way than I imagined. She might be ... (do a drum roll on your thighs for a few seconds here) ... Millie Jane Cobblepot's ghost! They're really pushing that theory hard this issue. So the first five issues were just, "Amy is Olive's chaotic friend who nobody else seems to notice!" And now this issue is all, "Remember the ghost of Millie Jane Cobblepot?! That might be good knowledge to remember soon! Remember how Pom was looking for her? Remember how Pom did a ceremony to contact her? See how Maps is asking Olive if she thinks ghosts are real?! Hee hee. You're going to be so surprised soon!"

During the adventure, clues are found and some minor points in the mystery are solved. Mostly, the Pizza Detective Club finally get back together from their separate adventures so they can finally solve the Myster of the M/W or A/A Symbol That's All Over Everything and Also Above the Door at Wayne Manor So, Um, You Know, Mystery Probably Solved There?

The shocking cliffhanger ending is more of a cliff-falling ending as Tristan, bound up by Eric the Boy Who Likes Maps, falls off the side of the Secret Elevator. Since he's probably going to die, Amy tells Olive to burn Eric. That's just the kind of thing Tyler Durden would have told the Narrator to do!

After writing that, I just looked up Fight Club to see what Edward Norton's character was called and it was "The Narrator." See? I pay attention to movies I haven't seen in over sixteen years. I also remember the first rule of Fight Club: "Don't eat all the Oreos."

Anyway, Tristan will probably be saved by Batman since he seems to be skulking around stalking kids. And Olive probably won't burn Eric to a crisp, even though her anarchic figment of her imagination thinks she should.

The Ranking!
No change! This book isn't going to change the world the way no other DC Comic book is currently doing so that's probably a statement that didn't need to be made. But it's fun and I love the art and Pomeline's probably secretly, like, forty years old, right? I'm allowed to investigate the Mystery of Pomeline Fritch's Butthole! I bet it's spectacular! Like a treasured relic from an Indiana Jones movie! You probably have to solve all kinds of puzzles and escape from dangerous traps just to lay your eyes on it! And then your face might melt! But I bet it would be worth it.

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #6

And then they told ghost stories until the fingerbanging began.

The story about the thing with the spell and the ghosts and the party and stuff resolves happily with hardly any violence at all. Everybody is wise and understanding and kind and caring. I like cute and sweet sometimes too but this was bland and unsatisfying. It's like somebody took a diet cupcake and smashed it between the covers of a comic book and put it on the shelves to fool other people into buying it. Plus it featured fives issues of young people spending time in the woods with hardly any adult supervision and nothing sexy happened at all.

Oh wait! It's going to happen! Fingerbang city!

Nothing of the sort happens, probably because a big perv like me isn't writing it. Instead they all just tell each other how awesome they all are. Pee-yuke!

What Did We Learn?
Being nice to everybody is fucking boring.

The Ranking!
No change!

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #5

Pomeline and Bane must be second cousins.

Here's what I wrote in my "review" of Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1: "I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive’s imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!" Try to ignore the part where I want Olive to have a lesbian relationship with a figment of her imagination. I just wanted everybody to know that I called it immediately when it turns out to be true, as the evidence continues to mount. What evidence, you say? The evidence that nobody fucking acknowledges her ever. The evidence that she doesn't appear on panels with the other kids when the perspective changes away from Olive. The evidence that I'm always right about stuff.

Aside from this issue totally trying to expose Amy's fantastical nature, it also exposes Maps' sexuality. She's sexually attracted to maps. I know! Totally not shocking at all given her nickname. But then, my nickname isn't Looking At Naked Women From the Back as They Bend Over, so I wasn't really prepared for her nickname to be the thing she wants to fuck. Also exposed? Eric is a totally evil little shit doing Mr. Scarlet's bidding. I don't know exactly what the bidding is but it's probably connected to finding The Big Old Book of Gotham. Pomeline is also looking for that Book because it contains all the answers to all the mysteries and will break open every case the Pizza Detective Club ever tries to solve.

What Did We Learn?
Practically nothing aside from all of those plot elements I pointed out previously. But this section of the review isn't about plot elements! It's about themes! So I think the theme of this comic book was that no theft goes unpunished even when it probably winds up punishing the person you wanted framed for the theft. So you'll probably be okay if you decide to steal stuff. Just remember to look up the definition to the word "patsy" first.

The Ranking!
No change. This is probably a good place to mention how much I love Adam Archer and Sandra Hope's versions of these characters, right?

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #4

This kind of heat can't be good for the vagina.

There was a time a person could go on the Internet and spout all sorts of incorrect vagina facts and nobody would say a thing because what do Actually Nerds know about vaginas?! But now thanks to feminism, instead of less Actually Nerds, we have more! So now women are getting into the white male virgin dominated Actually Game and constantly exposing my ignorance of the vagina! Hey, people? You do know that equality doesn't have to mean everybody taking on and expressing equally all of the worst traits of humanity, right? Can't we all equally not correct people on the Internet? I take it as a form of bullying! What right do you have to criticize my lack of knowledge of the vagina?! It's not like it would lead to a world where grown-ass men think they know better than women what to do with their...oh. Never mind. Correct away! Tell me how heat actually does affect the vagina! Maybe even submit some pictures! Drawings, of course! I don't expect to be inundated with pictures of female private parts in different controlled climates. Unless it's more scientific that way, of course.

Also, I already know how dicks react to temperature. I don't need any pictures of those!

In this issue, the Pizza Detective Club go to a demonic carnival. It's barely different than a regular carnival. There's a snake lady, a hall of mirrors, a boy who hasn't age in one hundred years, and the attempted abduction of children. In the end, the kids are rescued by Headmaster Hammer who will later pretend nothing strange happened and everybody should just stop talking about it and get back to schoolwork.

What Did We Learn?
Carnivals are evil and run by drunks who steal children. Sometimes those drunks are actually demons, and sometimes they're just assholes.

The Ranking
No change.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #3

Maps makes some new friends.

The Review!
No change. Pizza Detective Club solves yet another weird mystery at Gotham Academy. This time it's an English teacher who's a witch bent on burning all the books in revenge of being dumped by the scrawny Mr. Scarlet. He must be fantastic at cunnilingus because, looking at him, I'd guess that fucking him would be like rolling around on top of a bundle of sticks covered in maple syrup. Colton is still in love with Kyle but Eric might be dropping his crush on Maps now that she burned his notebook. Not that she did it on purpose! Remember the witch!? She totally mind-controlled Maps the way I'd like to mind-control Maps. But I wouldn't ask her to burn books, if you get what I'm getting at. I'd compel her to Dungeon Master every night so I could get my Wood Elf Bard up to epic levels!

During the mystery solving, Colton gets busted again for breaking and entering and theft. But this time, he's going to be expelled. I'm sure everybody will take pity on him when they realize he wears sunglasses constantly because his father beats him. I'm making assumptions but this is basically Degrassi Junior High in comic book form and thirty years later and that's the kind of story you'd expect from that show. It's never-ending drama for five seasons until you get some titty in the movie finale and then maybe drive drunk, kill a kid, and go to prison for years.

What did we learn this issue? Headmaster Hammer doesn't give a shit that every single teacher at his school is involved in supernatural shenanigans but when one student breaks a few minor laws while investigating said shenanigans, Hammer loses his fucking head. The American Education System, amirite?!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #5

Holy shit! Will somebody just fucking fingerbang somebody else already?!

The Review!
This is what people want from comic books nowadays? A bunch of nice people getting along and solving problems?! Ugh! I know I'm always complaining when heroes don't get along so now I sound like a hypocrite. But since I'd never experienced a comic book (or real life situation) where people got along and actually cared about each other, how could I have known how utterly boring and nauseating it would be?! From now on if I ever feel I'm getting along too well with another person, I'm going to punch them in their stupid face. Not even the flying skullheaded ghost monster drama can make me care about any of these Lumberjanes! This comic book also just broke a record for being the first anything with a raccoon in it that didn't make me scream, "OH MY GOD I LOVE THE RACCOON SO MUCH GIVE IT TO ME!" Instead I found myself wishing the raccoon really had been killed and made into a hat so he wouldn't have to suffer the insufferableness of all of this good-hearted cooperation! Somebody please tell me that the reason the Lumberjanes are popular is because that comic book has a lot of fingerbanging in it?

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. The Flash (*)
9. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
10. Earth 2: Society (*)

I probably shouldn't even include this comic book in the overall rankings since it's obviously not for me. I'm way too immature for something put out by Boom! Box Studios.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #2

Young people are the worst.

The Review!
So. Know today the way I'll review this issue of Gotham School is by this rule which you've probably noted already. Unless you're not as smart as one who sniffs a fart. In which case, I must wonder why dum-dums read my Tumblr.

The kids these days are into clubs, but I'm still into limbless nubs. This month Mia has become a witch. Trigger warning for this line: a bitch has convinced Olive to be her new friend, a situation Maps would like to end. The kids discover a teacher named Pio is sick, or missing, or just gone to pee. Oh! Colton is apparently in love with Kyle while Eric's in love with Maps. I like his style. Cause other than Pomeline, Maps is my favorite (cause Maps cannot stand that jerk Amy (who gave her shit)). I mean, there are other reasons why I also love Maps! Like how she always role plays and doesn't give any craps. I'm certain the star was supposed to be Olive Silverlock but I lost all respect for her for dating Kyle. Dumb jock.

You might be wondering about some of the other chaps at the school, right? They don't matter unless one of them snaps. And the girls? They are too young to say they shave a bit downstairs. I also shouldn't say I favor a tit of one over another since one might cry. I'll just wind up looking like a huge pedophile.

This issue introduces a new trio: Harriet, Evan, a witch from Yu-Gi-Oh. Evan, a character I hope they spend no time developing, followed the trend and decided to join up with witch club. Is join too strong? He felt an itch to join! Aunt Harriet who scrubs Wayne's house is now one of the subs. The witch has torn asunder Gotham School life. A blunder (although a decent start) the witch will take to heart. Because Mystery Club will certainly stop the old fool because they're cool.

And so to all of you I say, "Good day! Yolo!"

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #4

Oh my god! They're still getting along?! Can't somebody's dog eat some chocolate or something?!

The Review!
Well, it was bound to happen! The ending of this book is what I've been waiting for! Not the dog eating chocolate! I didn't really want that to happen. I just wanted some friction to come between some of these characters. If one of them had a dog and it ate some chocolate and got sick because one of the others had left their chocolate out, the dog owner would be understandably upset with the Peter J. Tomasiesque pet attempted murderer! Then whammo blammo! High school drama! Then instead of being stuck reading sappy bullshit about how everybody needs to work together and be cool to each other and accept every ludicrous self-identifying label out of their mouths, I get to read a story where some chick slaps another chick and some bro feels betrayed by his friend who slept with the girl he thought he was dating but she was only using him to get close to the guy she really wanted to sleep with and it wasn't his fault and he didn't realize you'd be so upset about it anyway, Aaron Voorhees! She wanted to fuck me as soon as she saw me take charge and change the tire on that other girl's piece of shit Trans-Am I was driving back from the party for her which she didn't say had almost no rubber on the fucking tires at all!

So, um, yeah! High school drama coming up because Olive was totally giving Kyle Fuck-Me Eyes in front of Louise who thinks he's Simon!

The Ranking!
The message is still that Communist bullshit about working together for a common goal and trying to be the leader of the collective so that you can siphon off as much material goods as possible while leaving the others with negligible amounts of whatever. Teamwork! The only thing working together has ever accomplished is, well, probably a lot of things. But can you name one right now? Probably not! So fuck it! Individuals for the win! Doom Bunny is a huge jerko!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #3

I'm a grown-up, so I'm going to stop using the term "fingerbang" as of right now. Wait. FINGERBANG! Okay. Now!

The Review!
If you like stupid upbeat books about friendship and doing the right thing and respecting everybody for their stupid choices, this might be the boring book for you! I bet if this book were a Middle School Student, it would get picked on by Red Hood and the Outlaws! It would probably sit shyly in the library during lunch while the popular kids, Young Avengers and Batman, ruled the cafeteria, choosing which other cool kids could sit at their lunch table. This book would probably get so many swirlies and wedgies that it would rival my record! I mean the record I set by giving other kids swirlies and wedgies! My hair and shirt were wet in my school photos because it was raining on the day they took photos! Actually, it was raining every day they took school photos!

Man, I'm so sick of cute and adorable and nice being the cool things! I wish somebody would bring back canning! That's where you would get thr...I mean, that's where you would find some dumb stupid weak kid (who was probably fat) to throw in a garbage can or a dumpster. In the 70s, it was practically a mandatory school activity! Teachers frowned on kids who didn't participate in the systematic oppression of the younger and smaller kids in the lower grades! If a kid from the 70s were to read this garbage about friendship, they would probably laugh uproariously at it! And maybe a few tears would fall down their faces and they might think later, "Why can't life be more like that?!", as they read that book on knots they checked out of the library. Man, those books were so confusing! I bet less kids hung themselves in the days before YouTube when they couldn't watch a clear video walkthrough on how to make a noose.

The Ranking!
Friendship! Friendship! If you have friends and like friendship, you'll probably pop a friendship boner over this book about friendship! If you don't enjoy friendship or all of your friends are dumb jerks (like Doom Bunny!) then you probably won't like this book. In fact, it might make you angry seeing so many compassionate, sweet, adorable youngsters getting along in totally non-sexual ways. Pee-yuke!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #2

I even surprised myself by how much I used the term "fingerbang" in the commentary on the first issue. Although, I mean, look at what Maps is so obviously doing to the Lumberjane across from her.

The Review!
I stand by my use of the term "fingerbang" as the main descriptor of this comic book.

Exhibit A: The exhausted, late night, awkward sleep creep fingerbang.


Exhibit B: The mythical quadruple fingerbang mermaid attack.


Exhibit C: The Sit-and-Spin Thumbbang offer.

I was sure there would be more evidence but all of the Lumberjaners and Gotham Academites are busy trying to rescue Professor MacPherson and Rosie. They just don't have time to experiment right now! But I'm sure once the adventure is over and they have time to relax and drink a bunch of soda and stay up late and play Seven Minutes in the Closet, they'll make up for all the lost fingerbanging time. I can't wait to get to that issue!

The Ranking!
I have no idea. I'm not a young person who is into these comic books about friendship and shit. The only reason anybody needs friends is to build up enough trust to get some fingerbanging going.

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #1

I wish this series were subtitled "Week #2".

The Commentary!
The first thing that happens in second semester is that Olive gets a new roommate named Pushy. I mean Amy. No wait! The first thing that happens is Olive takes a bath. Totally naked! Which I only mention because it's a fact and not because I'm some demented old perv who gets off on fictional characters' naked body parts drawn by other demented old pervs! I mean, if you've seen one fifteen year old's tits, you're either a super cool teenager or a demented old perv or, you know, somebody who had tits at fifteen. Also some stuff happens before Olive takes a bath but it's lonely, depressing stuff that nobody should allow past their psychic shield or they might wind up spiraling into a black abyss of isolation and fear.

Some people probably think Amy is cool. They see how she wears a cool thermal undershirt underneath a t-shirt with a ratty collar and ratty cuffs on the short sleeves and whose hair is the color of a not quite ripened plum and whose face is full of piercings who has the cavalier attitude that the world is her own and think, "Yasss! She's my jam! And by jam, I mean the stuff that comes out of my nether regions. Ooh la la!" One of the things I learned in my composition classes at university was that you should always tag sexy statements with emotes like "Ooh la la!" so that readers know that they just read something sexy and it's acceptable to be turned on by it.

Amy also steals sandwiches and crushes on Pomeline. Well, who doesn't? Amy isn't as unique as Amy probably thinks she is! Oh, and she's also moving into Maps's side of the room. I guess Maps has a new cuddle buddy for the semester?

Amy turns out to be a dick. I mean, it was obvious she was a dick in the first scene. But she continues to raise the bar on her dickitude. She tempts Olive with all sorts of chaotic nonsense which Olive falls for because Olive just wants to be free from responsibility. She just wants somebody to tell her what to do. She has a pretty low threshold for falling out of her normal behavior. But that's probably because she recently lost her mother for good and she has no actual home and Kyle won't stop asking if he can fingerbang her even though she's told him repeatedly that Maps does it better. So when somebody comes along and says, "Hey! You should throw a rock through that window and break into a museum!", it's easy to say, "Yeah! Yeah, I should do those things!" Plus if you get caught doing those things, you can always rat out the dick who convinced you to do them and, most of the time, if you were generally a decent person before that and the person you ratted out was known for being a pushy, sandwich stealing, hooligan lesbian with facial piercings and colored hair, everybody will believe you. Then they'll hug you because you were the victim of peer pressure and they will sneer at the dick who forced you to do those things by being too cool to not do the things they told you to do. I mean, why else do people begin smoking?! Because some kid who was way cooler than you were was all, "Hey, smoke this and maybe I'll acknowledge your existence."

I wonder if Amy is just a Tyler Durden figment of Olive's imagination? I hope so! If she is, I hope Olive kisses it!

Oh no! She's destroying art! I hope the people who instantly loved Amy are suddenly upset that Fletcher totally screwed up her character and apparently doesn't really "get" Amy at all!

Olive and Amy run into Eric inside the Wedgwood Museum. You remember Eric, right?! He's the one who does art who is totally in love with Maps but Maps only likes him because he can draw the pictures for her Spells and Serpents characters! For some reason, he has a key to the museum. He also knows all of the secret passages inside it. Especially the secret passage where he jerks off thinking about Maps.

Eric has been following the "Arkham" signs all over the campus which led him to the secret room in the Wedgwood Museum! Of course, the "Arkham" sign is really just a Wayne Manor monogram. It's totally just a "W" on top of an "M" and not an "A" on top of an upside-down "A" because that is stupid. Although it could also be a monogram for Wedgwood Museum! The mystery grows more mysterious!

Amy continues to be a dick. Big old floppy dick. Jerkiest dick in Gotham, really.

Amy runs off with Eric's backpack full of wank material which also contains his inhaler. When Olive and Eric emerge from the museum, they're caught by Mr. Scarlet who is completely understanding because Olive has always been such a good kid. Olive decides not to snitch on Amy because snitches are bitches or something. So Amy gets to continue to go to Gotham Academy so she can be a dick to Kyle and Maps and Pomeline and Coulton too! So awesome!

The next day, Olive discovers Professor MacPherson stood her up the previous night to go out with Bruce Wayne. No wonder Olive's mind created her Amy Durden so that she can allow herself to step outside of society's normal rules! That's also probably why "Amy" slashed the picture of Bruce Wayne!

Mmmm. I bet Isla MacPherson and Bruce Wayne fucked so hard! Ooh la la!

My farts smell like mysteries and coal smoke too!

The Ranking!
+2! First rule of Gotham Academy is I probably shouldn't make sexually explicit statements about the characters because they're all so young and fictional.

Gotham Academy Annual #1

Yes! I'm down with Detective Club!

My Commentary!
• Will this be the issue in which Maps reveals she's trans? Probably not. It might, however, be the issue where she reveals she's adorable. Just kidding! That issue has already been published and it was called all of them!

• This issue begins positing a strange question: what if you could be better than a great, strong building and live forever but the main reason you want to live forever is to outlive your enemies and their progeny? That seems oddly specific? Can I just answer "Would you want to live forever?" Do I have to have weird ulterior motives and, for some odd reason, compare my longevity to that of a building, especially when I don't think of buildings as having a rare ability to withstand the ravages of time.

• Olive is awakened by a nightmare (or Maps touching her in her sleep) just in time for Olive and Maps to catch a glimpse of a caped figure leaping across rooftops! They also notice the chapel has been struck by lightning and is on fire. Stupid chapel! It should have been stronger and greater!

• Maps touches Olive on the back and moans. Then she says, "Let's get Detective Club together! Do you want to try out the new uniforms I got us?!" The new uniforms are crotchless panties. Olive declines.

• The caped shadow is seen by the Detective Club stealing a coffin out of the chapel's Antiquities Room. That's the room where the Antiquities are kept! And apparently coffins!

• Olive gets sick and collapses. I bet Maps is poisoning her so that she can take care of her by undressing her and placing bags of frozen peas on her nipples to cool the fever. "Starve a cold, place frozen bags of peas on the nipples to squelch a fever" my grandmother used to always say.

• Pomeline declares that it isn't a flu going around campus but a bunch of vampires! That seems like a Coast to Coast AM summation of events. Did she hear it from an old white truck driver who once thought, "I bet the flue is really caused by the transmission of undead blood cells by late night roaming monster men!" And because he had that thought, it was equally valid as anything Newton ever came up with. I mean, what's the difference?! Why should Newton's "theories" be any more valid than a dope who doesn't understand the difference between O₂ and O₃?!

• I think I know the difference! The smell!

• Part of Pomeline's proof is that Jen Thompson had a hickey. She might be on to something. Jen Thompson does sleep around with a lot of guys which would leave her open to sleeping with a vampire and thus wind up with a bruised and bloodied neck!

• Colton believes a new professor is behind the sickness and the coffin stealing and he has even lousier evidence to support his theory than Pomeline had! Which is what makes Pomeline's theory so perfect. Because so far it's the only one anybody has said that doesn't make sense but at least doesn't make less sense than the others!

• These kids in Detective Club aren't very good at their job. You don't just come up with a theory and then search for evidence of that theory! You search for clues and then build a theory based on the clues! Haven't any of them taken the Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course?! Amateurs!

Yes! Yes! Go there! Is it Olive?! Or Kyle?!

• The Detective Club suffers a schism as Pomeline and Tristan rush off to fight vampires and Colton and Kyle rush off to stalk a teacher. That leaves Maps to go tend to Olive whose temperature is probably making her really uncomfortable right now with that wool school uniform still on.

• Colton and Kyle don't discover that Powers, the new teacher, is a vampire but they almost do! So maybe Pomeline and Colton are both correct, no matter how absurd that would be!

• Warren, Colton's paid sidekick, sometimes has blonde hair and sometimes has orange hair. Is that a vampire thing?!

I guess it is a vampire thing!

• It's obvious what's happening now! Dracula has come to Gotham Academy and Van Helsing has changed his name to Powers and gone undercover at the school to capture him. Case closed!

• Pomeline and Tristan chase Warren and run into Dracula. Duh! I figured it out in the last bullet point! That Trixie Belden's So You Want To Become The World's Greatest Detective Home Course is really paying off!

• Dracula claims his name is Gustav Decobra which isn't quite an anagram of Count Dracula but could be if you've recently suffered a head injury. And Powers says his ghostly name is Blight but if he has one alias, he's bound to have two! So he's obviously Van Helsing hunting Decobra. I don't even have to read any more of this comic book because I totally figured it out.

• My theory is totally correct and the kids do a thing and save the day. The end. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Shut up, Maps! That isn't what happened at all! It was Dracula and Van Helsing!

• I wonder if Maps is going to guest star in the new Batman Beyond series now that she traveled to the future? That part wasn't important to the Dracula/Van Helsing story so I didn't mention it. Just forget I said anything.

The Review
This is an Annual! I don't fucking review annuals! They're always just so...so...ANNUALLY!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #1

Two girls with red eyes? What are the odds?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm going back to Bullet Points and Summations for any non-Rebirth books I read because I have to get this shit out of the stack already. The Universe is different, comic books! Let's move it along already!

• I don't know anything about the Lumberjanes but I'm assuming they cut down trees, eat regular meals, and go to the bathroom on a regular basis.

• I do know about the kids of Gotham Academy. They like pizza and solving mysteries and kissing secretly in closets wondering if they should experiment with finger banging.

• The term "finger banging" is one of my favorite terms because it's so awkwardly childish and aggressive and should never actually be used by a mature person in any context other than using it because it's so fucking ridiculous. FINGER BANG!

• I don't read Lumberjanes simply because I don't read a lot of books maybe I would be choosing to read if I wasn't reading all of these DC Comic books that matter less and less to the zeitgeist as time goes by and they continue to let Zack Snyder ruin their movies. I read Blue Monday a long time ago and remember enjoying it so I'd probably enjoy Lumberjanes too.

• Remember how Alfred Hitchcock always made sure to get a cameo in all of his movies? Zack Snyder does the same thing except his cameos are all just piles of his own feces.

Exhibit Gross.

• The Pizza Club stumble upon a missing person's case that they shouldn't get involved in and decide to get involved. Olive finds some trash at the scene of MacPherson's disappearance and says, "A clue! I found a clue!" The other members of the club accept Olive's gut instincts and wildly insane assumptions as gospel and follow her into the woods. They must all want to finger bang her pretty badly (the "pretty badly" is ambiguous here because I'm betting none of them have much finger banging experience).

• The Lumberjanes badger their scout leader into letting them help find somebody called Rosie who has been mauled by a Bigfoot. Maybe. How about I just assume she's missing, like MacPherson, and may be in trouble?

• In a surprising shock twist, the Lumberjanes and the Pizza Detectives run into each other in the woods! Lots of names I won't remember are thrown about. Finger banging does not yet commence. But soon, I'm sure, because the heterosexual or bisexual or pansexual or super slutty Lumberjanes will probably think Kyle is super cool!

• The Lumberjanes are all eighteen or over, right? Sure they are! Now I don't have to feel weird about my future bullet point where Pomeline teaches Jo about the Shocker.

• Soon after the introductions are made, some devil worshipers appear!

Let the finger-banging commence!

• The important characters escape from the devil worshipers. That means Olive Silverlock and Scout Leader Jen were captured, just in case you had no idea which characters were important to the story being that you're probably not a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

• Next issue will probably be about the trauma of finding your scout leader and one of your best friends eviscerated.

• According to the sneak peek at James Tynion IV's new comic book, the trend in independent comic books is to show friends hugging a lot and saying things like "You're cool, my friend!" and "Friends are the super best! Let's hug for twenty pages and maybe say 'Squee!' a few times while we're at it!"

Gotham Academy #18

Olive is aroused by the way Maps eats pizza.

The Review or Whatever!
Gotham Academy's Yearbook phase is really just professional comic book writers and artists practicing their fanfiction skills. Why didn't DC Comics reach out to me to write a short story about Maps' first sexual experience dressed as a raccoon at a Furry Convention where she pegs some girl dressed as a chipmunk? Oh wait. I think the question was its own answer. There should be a word for that. I bet German has a word for it. No wait. I just asked the Non-Certified Spouse and she declared it would have to be a phrase. I think she's too distracted to come up with one because there's no way German doesn't have a word for anything I can think of. I bet German even has a word for when German doesn't have a word for something.

Damian Wayne has recently stolen Maps' Super Secret Gotham Academy Yearbook because he's a dick. See that? Those are the kinds of values you grow up with when you're an only child raised by the League of Assassins' single mother second-in-command and then shunted off to your absentee father who is also a billionaire and a vigilante and a super terrible father figure. You can't help but think that anything you want is yours and you have the right to do anything you want. Bruce has been so busy trying to teach Damian not to kill that he hasn't had time to provide him any kind of guidance for the real world. Hell, Bruce let Damian bring a cow home! What kind of lax, compensating parent does that?! Oh hey! The question answered itself again! The kind of parent who is lax and compensating!

The first story is called "Whatever Happened to Professor Milo...?" and it's about what happened to Professor Milo. I don't even remember Professor Milo. I don't even remember if I'm supposed to remember Professor Milo or if this is the first time he's been mentioned. I think I wiped my memory clean after reading Rebirth! I was all, "Whew! New continuity! I don't have to remember anything anymore!" Except maybe I do remember him! His first name was Achilles and Batman punched him in the fucking stupid face in Batman Eternal! I also decided to start swearing because that gets all the hip cats to my backyard. Fucking-A!

I didn't really remember that. I probably shouldn't pretend I'm something I'm not. I actually just put "Milo" into the search bar on my Blogger page and it reminded me of that time in Batman Eternal. It also reminded me that there was a Milo in Scott Lobdell's Doomed comic book. Fuck you, Blogger Search Bar! If I wanted to be reminded of Scott Lobdell's comic books, I would have searched for "shittiest shit in Shitsville".

How do you like all the swearing? It's pretty rad, right? Is saying "rad" rad? I fucking hope so!

Milo's story simply explains why Coach Humphreys becomes a werewolf or man-bat or something. It also explains something about why he was involved with Arkham in Batman Eternal. I'm not sure why I care about any of it. The best part of the story was when Maps did her Puttin' on the Ritz dance.

This is probably the best panel of the entire New 52. Or is this technically the DC You? Is this part of Afterbirth? Whatever. It's good!

The next story is about the shop teacher named Mister Silversmith. He must be a super villain as well but I don't know any by that name. Is there a villain called the Silver Smith? If not, dibs on the name! He might sound boring but if I'm writing his stories, he'll be fucking rad! Also Silver Smith will be a woman. A gay woman! A gay woman from Thailand! A gay woman from Thailand with dyslexia! Fat wallet, here I come!

Mister Silversmith talks like a super villain in his lesson about plating an aloe plant in silver. I mean an artichoke. No wait, it's an agave. Whatever! It's one of those plants that will almost certainly put your eye out.

In this story by Steve Orlando, we learn that Maps is a raging gay. No wait! That was the last issue of Midnighter. I mean, not that Maps isn't a raging gay but I think she might wind up being trans. Of course, I shouldn't be the one to label her. She's just Maps and she's an individual who will be whatever or whomever she winds up being. And whatever that is, I will love her no less than I already love her because she is fucking rad. No, what we really learn is that Maps now has a silver coated dagger which she'll probably use to kill Coach Humphreys later.

I wouldn't mind if Adam Archer continued to draw Olive and Maps until he dies.

Robin takes off from the work of the theater department on hang-glider wings. That leaves Maps and Olive to follow them in a golf cart which Maps learned to drive in the next story. I hope they follow Damian all the way to the Batcave because once a person discovers the Batcave, they automatically get to be Robin. If Maps never becomes a Robin, I'm going to track down Geoff Johns and glare at him uncomfortably.

Except they don't quite get to the Batcave. Damian just leaves the scrapbook in the woods with a present for Maps: a first edition Serpents & Spells handbook. Bah! It would have been better if he left her a first edition Deities and Demigods with the copyright infringing entries like Elric!

I can't wait for the second semester! That's the semester where Pomeline and Olive lose their virginity to each other! I bet!

Gotham Academy #17

This is way too sexy for junior high. So I hope they're all in high school!

The Review!
Gotham Academy is one of my favorite comic books because I have a crush on most of the characters. The only problem I have with it is that it turned Serpents and Spells into just another fake DC Comics version of a real thing. In this case, it's Dungeons and Dragons. If you didn't know that then what are you doing reading crappy comic book reviews on the internet? You should be having sexual relations with other people who have never heard of Roller Playing Games! Anyway, I've decided to fix DC's mistake. I'm going to write the Maps version of Serpents and Spells. When I'm finished, it will be available as a monthly reward on my recently brought back to life Patreon!

The Commentary!
I've been reading a book called The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren and it reminded me of a rhyme I learned in elementary school that I'm guessing a bunch of people remember hearing, or at least a similar version of it. It went like this:

"Miss Suzy had a steamboat,
Her steamboat had a bell,
Miss Suzy went to heaven,
Her steamboat went to
Hello operator
Give me number nine.
If you disconnect me,
I'll kick in your
Behind the frigerator,
There was a piece of glass.
Miss Suzy sat upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions,
I'll tell you no more lies.
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the garbage,
Bees are in the park.
Boys and girls are kissing
In the D-A-R-K dark!"

I don't know how well I remembered it here but I guess that's the point with these childhood rhymes. They're oral tradition and thus they change and mutate over time. The memes of the Internet-free childhood.

Maybe one of the kids in Gotham Academy will recite this rhyme now because isn't that how life works? It's just a random mishmash of synchronous moments that seem to mean more than they actually do?

Recently in Gotham Academy, it's just been a bunch of mini-stories about life at Gotham's strangest school. But also recently, Damian has stolen the yearbook Maps was working on that housed all of those zany stories! She knows this because Pomeline watched Damian take it and didn't lift one magic finger to stop him.

Bugsy's Icy Grasp? As in "Bigby's Icy Grasp"? I'm beginning to suspect Serpents and Spells is just a blatant rip-off of Dungeons and Dragons!

I would create the hell out a Maps-written Serpents and Spells! But only if DC were paying me. Which they should be since I would be the best choice to design that game. Can people get jobs by simply telling potential employers to trust them? Because, "Trust me, DC! I am an expert at creating Roller Playing Games!"

I have a question that isn't about giving me a job: Why are Pomeline, Olive, and Maps so adorable? Maps is the kind of "I wish I was this person" adorable. And Olive is adorable in a kind of "I have a crush on her and must stare at her throughout lunch without ever talking to her" way. And Pomeline is adorable in a kind of "I bet she fucks good" way.

The first story is about how stupid Heathcliff was because he went off with Black Canary to live out his dream of managing a band instead of staying behind to kiss Pomeline every day. What a dolt! Doesn't he know about romance?! Romantic rule #1 is to give up everything you ever cared about for somebody to love because life is terrible otherwise!

Romantic Rules are the worst for living your best life though! It's better to only love somebody who will throw away their life to be with you as you pursue your dream! That's Cynic Rule #1! It might not make people swoon when you tell them you can't kiss them anymore because you have to pursue something meaningful but they can't fault you if they're not willing to throw their life away either! Hypocrites!

Maps said cunt.

The next story is about Maps and Olive going on one of their ghost hunts. It begins in a really terrible way because Olive and Maps are talking about Serpents and Spells as if it's just the DC version of Dungeons and Dragons instead of a game Maps made up like I'm pretty sure was the original idea behind it. Even if it wasn't, it doesn't matter. I'm going to make a Serpents and Spells game and give it away as a reward for being a supporter of my Patreon which I'm resurrecting to try to rope in all of my Dwarf Lover fans (since I'm starting up Dwarf Lover again). If I don't make any extra money with that, I'm also going to have to start working extra hard on my Bible Study for Dumb Dumbs and see how much I can make selling digital books. If that doesn't pan out, I suppose I'd better learn how to make a noose and figure out which one of the rafters in the attic can support my weight!

That was an inappropriate joke about suicide! I would never actually kill myself because I'm totally in love with myself. Of course, if I ever catch me cheating on myself, I might do it in a fit of passion.

In this story, Maps and Olive encounter Teekl which makes it about the best story ever and fifty bajillion times better than Nocenti's attempt at writing Klarion. Especially since Ann Nocenti thought it would a good idea to keep Teekl dead in a jar. What a dope!

The final story is about the coolest group of kids to ever pitch a twenty-sided die at Gotham Academy: The Gilkey Warlocks! They're just the kind of cool kids I would have hung around in junior high if I wanted people to believe I didn't actually hang around with these kinds of kids in junior high which I did. I once played Dungeons and Dragons in the cafeteria with Ted Balman as the dungeon master and John Bailey and Chris Beal. You know, the cool kids! Right?

The Gilkey Warlocks disappeared because they played that Satanic game and Maps knows where they were last seen! It's a secret room which she wrote about in the year book Damian stole so she thought maybe he'd be there. And he was! And still is! It's just Maps and Olive won't notice him until next issue.

Gotham Academy #16

Rating: No change.

It's probably time for Gotham Academy to begin tackling real issues in the way Degrassi Junior High did. When is Maps going to realize she's trans? When is Heathcliff going to return and begin stalking and terrorizing Pomeline? When is Olive going to make a pass at Pomeline at a party only to be rebuffed by the super-duper heterosexual and probably eighteen year old Pomeline because Pomeline is totally into me? When is Colton going to overdose on heroin after burning down the gymnasium with fireworks during the Spring Dance? When is Kyle going to realize he's too cool for Pizza Detective Club and tell the nerds to take a fucking hike?! When is Hugo Strange going to be arrested for selling child pornography? When is Wheels going to kill a kid in a drunk driving accident immediately after graduation?

Gotham Academy #15

I wish I were thirty years younger so I could refer to the cast of this comic book as "fuckable" without being totally creepy.

Rating: No change.

Nobody needs a review of this comic book. You either love it or you hate it or you kind of like it a little or you have some problems with it or you don't know anything about it. You know where you stand on it! It's not like you exist in some place where you've neither heard nor not heard about it! So you either have an opinion or you don't! This comic book really drives people to have opinions!