Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #8

Remember this is a metaphor. He's really chasing after his penis.

• Last issue, the reader discovered (by purchasing that comic book and reading it) that The Whisperer (a grotesque reminder of the vaginas that Cave Carson can no longer explore) was demolishing the world. That probably seemed a bit too harsh since this is only a fourth rate comic book and you can't really destroy the world unless Batman or Wonder Woman are in the comic book. So this issue, the reader discovers (by purchasing this comic book and reading it) that Cave Carson and his team have followed The Whisperer through a dimensional portal. So it's destroying the Fawcett City of a different Earth. Whew. That was a close one. My only question now is why do they want to stop it? It's leaving their Earth alone! Let it destroy this Earth where some guy named Michael Pembrook is buried in the plot where Cave Carson's wife is supposed to be buried.

• Oh! Does that mean Cave Carson's wife is still alive on this Earth? Boner City, here Cave comes!

• Cave's old fungus boss's son Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail has decided to use The Whisperer to take over the spelunking markets on all of the Infinite Earths. Unless his business, EBX, is something else (Extreme Butt X-rays?). I think at this point, his business is mind control. That's the best business to get into. You don't need to sell any products. You just tell people to put money in your face.

• Have any of the other DC Comics acknowledged the Infinite Earths yet? Are we not supposed to know they're back even though they were rescued during Convergence. Are we still supposed to believe there are only 52? I mean, even if there were only 52 when Rebirth started, now that Superman has merged with all the Supermen and all the other heroes are beginning to merge with all of their old selves (thanks to Superman's merge, for, um, some reason), I think that means the heroes once again live in an infinite multiverse.

• Even if the previous is true, it probably doesn't matter. This is a Young Animal book. It doesn't necessarily take place in the same continuity as the other DC books. Remember how Vertigo was always separate even though regular heroes sometimes visited it, or were banished to it because they didn't really have anywhere else to go after Crisis on Infinite Earths destroyed their parents and the only job left they could take was that of Fake Sandman?

• Cave runs into an old college professor of his. I mean, not really. It's not the one he knew on his own Earth! It's the one on...I don't really need to explain this, do I?

• Chloe, Cave's daughter, begins making the connections that I made earlier about that guy Michael Pembroke being buried where her mother should be buried. But Cave is all, "Why bother looking for her?! My penis doesn't work, remember?!" And Chloe is all, "Is that all mom is to you? A penis cozy?! Go fuck yourself, dad!" And Cave is all, "You know I can't!" Then he runs sobbing from the room while punching his crotch.

• The Whisperer attacks! I guess it knows better than to let the good guys live. It might not succeed but at least it's being proactive. I was expecting it to say something like, "Let Carson live! It is not his time to die!" That's always the wrong thing for an evil person and/or creature to say.

• Wild Dog almost dies in the attack but Chloe sticks a country tampon in his wound. What's the difference between a country tampon and a city tampon?

• Oh. I spoke too soon. The Whisperer just wanders off after it thinks it's destroyed Cave Carson's vehicles so that he'll be stranded on this destroyed Earth. It's just as dumb as every other antagonist. You must kill heroes. You can't leave them to their fate because their fate is never to die. Their fate is to kick you in the head when you think you've won, stupid.

• At the end of the issue, Cave Carson rallies his troops because they've got a war to fight on infinite fronts!

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #7

Cave Carson probably suffers from acrophobia (not to be confused with agraphobia which he probably also suffers from).

Cave Carson's need to hide in caves is telling. It's why I think he suffers from agraphobia, an extreme fear of sexual abuse. By exploring caves, he's metaphorically crawling back inside his mother's womb. It's the least sexy place a person can hide. I probably have more examples of why he suffers from agraphobia but I just distracted myself by thinking that I've insulted Cave Carson's mother by comparing her womb to a cave. I also began thinking about how most phobias are just "a fear of X!" But agraphobia is "an EXTREME fear of X!" since most people are like, "Yeah, dude, I totally don't want to be molested. That would suck." So that's just a normal fear! I think the "extreme" descriptor should be added to a lot of other phobias as well. Like arachnophobia! Everybody is frightened by a spider when it just appears out of nowhere and is touching some part of your body like some aggro agraphile. But after the terrifying realization that the most disgusting and alien looking creature to ever live alongside humankind has decided to crawl across your arm, most people can deal with it normally. By normally, I mean thinking "Where the fuck did that spider go?!" after the ten second full body convulsion and series of high pitched screams have sent the spider across the room and running for some shadowy Cave Carson's mother's womb.

Uh oh. I think I just gave myself a new phobia! Arachnoagraphobia! The fear of being sexually abused by a spider!

Cave Carson has been suffering from impotency for years. It caused him to be unable to explore caves in a winky kind of "you get what I mean?" kind of way. It was probably caused by the death of his wife but it also might have been caused by his cybernetic enhancement. Sometimes it's hard to know what's metaphor and what's just a regular old story element. So does the cybernetic eye represent his penis because some fancy, well-spoken people sometimes call the penis a one eyed trouser snake? Or does the eye have a deeper, less immature metaphorical meaning? Does it mean he now suddenly sees too much and understands the world too deeply for his penis to enjoy itself? Or does the eye have nothing to do with his impotence at all and it's just a way to make the comic book's title more appealing to a generation enamored by affectations?

It also could simply be Oedipal. Cave Carson is impotent because he hates his father and he can't hide up inside his mother anymore because his drill doesn't work. And the eye is representative of Oedipus's blindness which itself was evidence of Oedipus's inability to truly see the way things were. Unless that wasn't part of that story at all. I read it so long ago that I can only now pretend to remember what it was about by grasping at the Freudian interpretation of all of our sexual problems through an old perverted Greek story.

How come Freud never talked about Oedipus's love of butt stuff? That's why he was at Colonus, right?! Isn't Colonus the Greek word for anal?

This issue is a flashback to the time Cave Carson met Superman.

This story took place in the days when a diverse crew meant three white guys with different colored hair, a white woman, and an animal sidekick. I'm not getting into the political and social deconstruction of what the animal sidekick was a metaphor for!

Apparently there's a huge system of underground caverns under Metropolis just like under Gotham. But Metropolis's cave system is more believable because it wasn't invented by Ann Nocenti.

Cave and his white team of whiteys discover Superman being attacked by a gigantic red crystalline creature. It looks like they'll have to kill this totally new and unknown form of life if they want to save Superman and Metropolis! It's a good thing Cave's drill was still working back in these old days.

The crystal creature had a bit of kryptonite embedded on its carapace which is why Superman needed to be rescued.

Me the first time I was anally fisted too!

Cave rescues Superman by dragging him into a hole which is just a smaller cave. He's a one trick pony, that guy! After that, they come up with a plan to defeat the crystalline alien. Superman will fly faster than the speed of sound causing a sonic boom which will totally annoy the creature and possibly give it tinnitus. Ha! Take that, jerk!

After the sonic boom, a piece of stalactite falls from the ceiling impaling Bulldozer Smith in a gory metaphorical display of the penetrative sex act! Covered in sex goo and blood, Cave Carson yells, "But that's not how it happened!" Oh no! This isn't a flashback story at all! It's a mind control delusion trapping Cave Carson in his memories so he can't finish off The Whisperer! The story from last issue is still happening!

Um, maybe!

In the awkward new memory of the time Cave saved Superman, his teammate and Bulldozer's lady, Christine Madison (MADISON!), begins making out with him. So this entire delusion has placed Cave Carson deep within the part of his mind that's creating his impotency. You might be thinking, "How is Cave Carson fucking a lady a metaphor for impotency?!" But if you were thinking that, it just means you're impatient because I didn't get to the part where Cave pushes her away and says, "I can't!" See? He can't! Not that he won't or that they shouldn't. He just simply can't because his dick doesn't work.

The Whisperer has been devouring Cave and his memories while also mentioning how impotent Cave has been in every aspect of his life up until this point. That inability to save his friends or his wife or raise his daughter or be responsible or unselfish has obviously resulted in the physical manifestation of those failings: sexual impotency. Just like I've been saying all this time. And look at this visual proof in the comic book:

See? His junk is blurred out! That's a representation of how it's useless!

Superman arrives to fluff Cave Carson. He mostly uses a pep talk but I can read between the panels. I see him using his super stroking motion to get Cave Carson rock hard and confident again! Also, Superman might not actually be here. Superman is probably just another metaphor, this one for Cave Carson rallying against The Whisperer's use of fear and flaccidity. It's a representation of Cave Carson's inner strength and resolve to be a hero not for himself but for the people who need him to be a fully erect hero.

After Superman cures Cave's impotency with a Kryptonian "Confidence Boost" (that's slang for a hand job), he throws him back at the vagina so Cave can fucking save the day. By fucking it!

It's got teeth is what it's got!

Cave Carson wakes up from his dream. He's still missing his cybernetic eye and a week has passed since he confronted the Whisperer in his mother's womb. Now the Whisperer is rampaging on the surface world destroying the city. But Cave is ready to destroy it because he's been made whole! This is evident by the way he smokes a cigarette immediately upon waking up from his week long coma. He's all, "Oh yeah! I just came all over the inside of my pants for the first time in a decade and now I'm engaging in an oral fixation to show that I'm ready to fuck the Whisperer into submission!" And his daughter is right there to fuck it alongside him. Um. Gross.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm really enjoying this comic book! How many of you thought my impotency reading of the story was just a joke all this time? Because it wasn't and it totally isn't. This comic is all about Cave Carson's dick not working. Because that in itself is a metaphor! For, you know, being a powerless failure. So this story is kind of the reverse impotency metaphor. Usually the story would be all, "Cave Carson is impotent! Why?!" Then he'd struggle to regain his power. But this comic is all, "Cave Carson is powerless! Why?" Well, it's because his dick doesn't work.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #6

I've had quite enough with the blatant sexual imagery in this comic book.

Most people spend their whole lives seeing only what is directly in front of them. I hope I never stop living that way! It's much easier to be an Out in the Open Carson, accepting everything you find on the surface. Or you can choose to be a Cave Carson with your need for deeper meaning and desire to dig down into everything you encounter. That's a lot of work! And often, you only find what you were looking for anyway! If you were concentrating on discovering diamonds, you'll probably miss all the iron ore and uranium. So what good is digging deep if you only discover the thing you began looking for in the first place? It's better to just remain on the surface and simply assume everything you think is the way things are. In the end, the shallow and the deep person wind up in the same place but the deep person is grumpy and depressed. Sometimes they're even less sure about the world than when they began to delve! Because you have to think about something while you dig and usually that something is life and your place in it. Bah! That's just existential masturbation. I'd rather engage in real masturbation and then take a nap, unfettered by worry! Stupid Cave Carson! Doesn't he know it's better not to dig around for truth?

Being that I'm one of those shallow people who don't like to dig too deeply, I'm only reading this comic book at the surface level. So for me, this book is obviously about Cave Carson dealing with his impotence. If it has a more metaphorical meaning, I don't want to know about it! I just know Cave can't get his dick hard no matter how many caves he sticks it in.

The issue begins with a flashback to the time Edward Borsten stuck his dick in a secret Muldroogian cave and wound up becoming impregnated by The Whisperer. That's what he gets for not spelunking with protection. He even left his spelunking buddy at the vagina's entrance! That's not smart at all. What happens if you need backup because the cave turns out to be too much cavern for you? I hear that's sometimes a thing!

Now I wish I had children so I could scream this every other night!

Cave, Chloe, and Wild Dog guzzle down a few pints of Night Pudding so that they're high as fuck when they rush off to battle Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail and his Fungus Daddy. They need to stop them before they wake up The Whisperer and destroy all mankind. I hope if the world ends, Superman will feel terrible about deleting Cave Carson from his phone's contacts.

Me and the crew in the early nineties doing shrooms.

The Whisperer wakes up and eats Fungus Daddy. Well, that plan seems to have been shit. I suppose if I had been turned into an immortal pile of goop constantly in immense pain while never being able to catch the eyes of the ladies, I'd probably spend all my time on a task that would end my miserable life too.

Even Wild Dog winds up having Daddy Issues even if they only come out while tripping on Night Pudding. His dad (The Whisperer (who isn't really his dad! It's the drugs talking, remember? (and maybe a bit of a telepathy)) says, "I've left more useful offspring cooling in a sock, you miserable little punk!" Gross! I don't want to hear about Wild Dog's dad jerking off into socks! Unless maybe Wild Dog's dad is Idris Elba. Then maybe I'd like to hear more about it, and in greater detail.

DC Comics in a nutshell.

Cave and his buddies kill The Whisperer in an exciting action movie sequence that totally doesn't defy any comic book law (since there aren't any. Anything can happen in a comic book as long as it gets the plot moving. Also, many stupid things happen in comic books that don't advance the plot at all and just make me think, "Why did I spend three dollars on this thing?"). But they don't have time to celebrate because Edward Borsten explodes out of the dead Whisperer's head as some kind of telekinetic alien fish monster. Cave has no idea how to stop it. But don't worry! Cave Carson isn't the only main character in this comic book. Have you forgotten about his cybernetic eye?! It rips itself out of his head and storms off to finish the fight!

I guess next issue will be a staring contest.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not sure if Cave Carson got over his impotence this issue or not? He has a moment where his dead wife mentions that she still drives him crazy, so she must have noticed he was popping a boner. Plus when his eye popped out at the end, it was like blowing a load but not as gross. Also, he defeated the gigantic phallus with his own drill. Plus Wild Dog screamed "Fuck you, Daddy!" during the fight scene and that's pretty much quintessential sex talk. I think the second arc of this comic book is going to be about Cave Carson dealing with his regained manhood.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #5

Did the cybernetic eye cause Cave Carson's impotency or is it just a metaphor for his condition?

Yesterday, I asked, "Lately, most new followers on Tumblr have basically been adverts for shitty Internet business scams (or something. Whatever). Even more so than the porn followers! Is Tumblr done?" It wasn't meant to be a hipsteresque taking down of the site. It was meant in good faith because a good percentage of the Followers I've been getting lately are accounts that obviously aren't just people enjoying Tumblr but using it for some kind of (probably shady!) business. Then today I got this Follower:

What is this even?! This is why I added the "or something. Whatever" to my query! Is it a site meant to garner a lot of Followers so that it can begin to sell advertising? And if so, who are the simpletons following it?!

The first picture post on Man Planet...excuse me..."MAN pLaNeT" is of a woman in a short dress bending over as she reaches into a car exposing the gusset of her undergarments. The tags on this picture are not "I forgot something!", "gusset," "Time to jerk off!", or "accident waiting to happen." No, the tags are cars, bikes, girls, tatt, tatts, tattoo, hotrod, hotrods, motorbikes, and ratrod. Since none of those have anything to do with this image (except, I suppose, the car the woman is leaning into. But since that isn't the focus of the pic (her vagina is!), it seems weird to tag the image with car while not tagging it with vagina), it's obviously just a site using a bunch of tags presumed to garner the attention of men into things like "ratrods" and "tatts" and "girls."

Most of the images after that first one are indeed cars and motorbikes and tatts (I'm fairly certain I lose one more day at the end of my life every time I type, think, or say "tatts"). They're the kind of images that make me exclaim, "Yawn!" But then you get to this image:

This is the definition of cognitive dissonance for residents of MAN pLaNeT. "I love me some Jack Daniels...but it's blocking boobies!"

MAN pLaNeT exemplifies the reason I don't turn on the widget to show people who follow me. Why would I give them any extra traffic? They're also the type of account that I usually block when they follow me but now that I've mentioned them, they feel a bit like a mascot. And now that I have a mascot, I hope those jerks over at Weird Science Blog don't try to steal it before the big homecoming game!

Enough about my cute little new plaything, MAN pLaNeT. It's time to discuss Cave Carson's impotency (a thing followers of MAN pLaNeT never have to worry about! MAN pLaNeT! Where men can jerk off to women whose naughty bits are covered by alcohol and beef jerky, even though with one click of the mouse they could find actual porn. MAN pLaNeT! This has been a sponsored ad...I hope! Send me a check, MAN pLaNeT!).

This issue begins with somebody telling the history of the Muldroog people. Those are the race of underground mole people who Cave Carson discovered when he could still get it up. One of the Muldroog women agreed to marry him because she was impressed with the size and power of his drill. She eventually died but not before she and Cave had a daughter. Her daughter is now just finding out that she's Muldroogianese. So maybe she's the one getting the history lesson.

Basically the Muldroog were like Scientologists. They followed the ancient teachings of a space alien. But instead of living in a volcano, their space alien lived in a crystal. Now, I might be getting some of this wrong because I'm still thinking about MAN pLaNeT and also I don't really know anything about Scientology except that it's another religious scam that makes some people happy and other people rich and some people miserable. Just like the Muldroog's alien in crystal which made the Muldroogian society more technologically advanced than the surface people but at a cost. That cost was...freedom!

Cave Carson, Chloe Carson, and Wild Dog are listening to a Muldroog witchdoctor give a history of Muldroog while they eat a hallucinogenic treat called Night Pudding. It leads to Chloe stripping naked and swimming. This comic book has more real nudity than MAN pLaNeT! And it's probably artistic and not titillating, right? Although try to convince my penis of that!

There's also another scene about the father of the owner of the company that Cave just quit being a fungus monster who has been using Muldroog technology to get rich. Even though he's obviously the monstrous bad guy, his son's spelunking team led by Ace the Corporate Sycophant doesn't seem to mind. They're probably mind controlled by some kind of goo emitted by Edward Borsten, father of Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail.

Anyway, I'll let the comic book explain what EBX (the company Cave worked for that was formerly called Edward Borsten and Sons) has in mind for the Muldroogs. Otherwise I'll be here all day, lost in digressions. And afterward, nothing would be any clearer! And since I barely wrote anything about last month's issue, I'm getting perilously close to being too confused to understand what is going on. This next page helps explain the basic premise of the series so far.

Whew! Now I'm thoroughly anchored to the plot! At least for a few more issues.

Why does EBX need Cave Carson to operate the drill? Because this is a story about Cave Carson's impotency, remember?! For some reason, EBX needs Cave Carson's virility to return before they can free The Whisperer from its underground prison. Johnny Blake might know how to fuck but he's just not good enough to compare to Cave in his prime.

It turns out The Whisperer's prison is encased in inertron! That shit can't be drilled at all. But it can, somehow, be formed into flexible wings that once allowed the juvenile Harvest to glide around Gotham and New York City. So the only way into the prison is via the DNA of the Muldroogian Royal Bloodline. That means Chloe, the only symbol left of Cave Carson's sexual potency, can penetrate the vault. But when EBX attacks in just a few seconds, they'll discover they have captured the king and don't need the granddaughter anyway.

During the attack, Team EBX remembers how Cave Carson came to their aid and they're all, "Fuck this shit! We're out! Let's find Floppy Dick Carson!" Johnny Blake is stabbed while escaping with the team but he'll probably live. His name is Johnny Blake! That's the name of a character who doesn't die.

#cars #bikes #girls #tatt #tatts #tattoo #hotrod #hotrods #motorbikes #ratrod

Cave and his step-mother meet back up with Chloe and her new gang of skinny dippers as well as Wild Dog and Team EBX. That was nice and quick and easy! Jon Rivera really knows which parts of a story to not fucking tell! That's a quality I admire in a writer. Some writers go five or six issues telling parts of the story that don't need to be told!

Cave Carson's plan is to hook his phone up to the Mighty Mole so he can get cell reception. Then he auto dials Superman. I guess Batman never gave him his number.

Ouch! Ghosted by Superman!

If you read the previous caption and felt the overwhelming compulsion to respond, "The reason he didn't get through is because Superman is dead," you might be an Actually Nerd.

If you read the previous page and realized it's a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotence and his daughter expressing the statement, "Don't worry, it happens to everybody," you've been paying attention!

The issue ends with a horde of Fungus Men bearing down on Cave Carson and his new and improved team of Spelunkers and Misfits. He's probably going to have to get advice from real, virile man, Johnny Blake. Man, that's going to be rough.

The back-up story is more fun with the Super Powers by Tom Scioli. That is all.

The Ranking!
+2! Even though Cave Carson's Cybernetic Eye took a back seat this issue, it was really enjoyable! I guess this series isn't just one big gimmick.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #4

Cave Carson and the Chamber of Sea Creatures.

In this issue, Team EBX confronts Team Carson and comes away a better team. Team EBX is almost killed deep in the caves (one of the twins is murdered) but Cave Carson saves the rest. Most of the crew think, "Why are we after this Carson guy? He seems cool." But Ace the Corporate Sycophant points out that they have to continue to pursue Cave Carson because that's their role in the comic book. It looks like Cave will eventually convince the surviving members of Team EBX to join his crew and they'll topple Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail's empire. But first Cave Carson finds his wife's parents still alive and has to break the news to them that they lived too long because their daughter is dead.

What Did I Learn?
I'm sitting up in a tiny office with a space heater blowing warm, comfortable air all over me and I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. What I'm trying to say is that I've learned that I'm exhausted and it's time to go to sleep. I think Cave Carson is still having erection troubles. It's hard to tell since I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I'm so tired!

The Ranking!
No change.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #3

Have you ever had one of those not so fresh feelings?

I once said about starting feuds with comic book writers and artists that I don't partake in that kind of immature shit. I'll write my reviews and link to them on Twitter (sometimes? I usually forget it's a thing) but I never engage them directly to point out their flaws. Sometimes I'll praise somebody over Twitter and, as Gail Simone pointed out once, possibly tagging them in my blogposts is a form of trolling. I hadn't thought about it that way when I first began this blog; I just tagged everything so I could easily reference who wrote what previously, or what colorist worked on...oh, who am I kidding? I don't give a shit about colorists! Anyway, that's all changed now that we have a sentient pile of garbage in the White House who sends Gríma Wormtongue out every day to lie the American people. If Cullen Bunn really wants to see me at my most "pathetic, scummy, and desperate," he should watch me in action as I tweet insults at Trump and Spicer on a daily basis. I'm just trying to speak their language!

Just a reminder that this happened! I made it, Ma! I truly made it!

So Cave Carson is now an outlaw in both the literal sense of the word and the other sense of the word. Unless there's just one sense to the word. I mean, he's an outlaw because he stole a ship. But he's also an outlaw because he's cool and has a beard. So that's like two senses, right? But the sense that matters is the one where he committed a crime. He's stolen the Drill Machine from EBX and kept them from taking his daughter (which makes him the best kind of hero: the anti-capitalist anti-outlaw hero outlaw!). Now he's off to help save the Muldroogoons (I hope that's what they're called because I can't be bothered to look up how to spell their nationality. I think it's okay to not care because they're fictional) before EBX can take their oil or their unobtainium or whatever. Actually, I think I could have just said unobtainium but that would just seem like I was referencing Avatar and without the "oil" part, you couldn't tell I was also criticizing America.

Before I forget, I need to remind myself that this entire series is a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotence.

See? This makes total sense now, right?

That's my favorite thing to yell before I have sex! "Strap on! I'm going under! Is this where I should be? Have I lost my virginity yet? Oops!"

Oh! The Drill Machine is called The Mighty Mole. No wait. Is that Cave's penis? I guess it's both! Metaphor!

This issue is called "Deep Issues" because impotence isn't just surface deep. I mean, the main part of it is on the surface. You know the floppy part I mean! But that part is usually due to something psychological. And that means digging down to the root of the problem! You've got to spelunk until you can spunk again!

Cave and his crew burrow into the earth to try to evade the monster. They wind up in a cave with crystals that make worms grow larger. I have a feeling some of you have been rolling your eyes and making jerking off motions with your hands every time I mentioned how this book was a metaphor for impotence.

Now, I don't think you need to apologize since the proof that I was correct just keeps growing and growing (like the worms deep in Cave's subconscious which he imagines can grow big. Because that's what he most wants. See?). But you should probably allow yourself to admit that I might be the greatest comic book reader of all time.

After Cave Carson's big worms solve all of his problems, the team dig deeper into Cave's issues. We have seen explicitly what will solve his problem. But we still don't know what caused it and how Cave can get to a place where his worm can grow big again.

Meanwhile, Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail is organizing the EBX Team to chase down Cave Carson and not to kill him at all. In the old days, the crew would be a white guy with blonde hair, a white guy with brown hair, a black guy, a woman with blonde hair, an overly energetic kid, and an animal of some kind. But this is the modern era where representation matters! I mean, it mattered back then but only if you were white or the one black guy living in a white neighborhood. Now the team is a white guy with blond hair, a white guy with brown hair, a black guy, a brown woman, an Asian guy, and two majorly fucking hot twins. I mean I can't tell their race due to the red light and because Ace doesn't call them by name. I can't really tell the race of the brown lady either but her name is Marquez and I think only latinxes have last names with both Qs and Zs in them.

While taking a break deep underground at one of the Cave Carson Caches of emergency equipment, Cave hallucinates his dead wife and decides to have a visually symbolic moment.

Those crystals look like a bouquet of boners.

Here we see that if he could just get his wife back, his impotence would be cured. But that's impossible, right? There's no way she's still alive somewhere underground. Right?

Team Carson heads for Muldroog to discover that just about everybody in the city has been slaughtered. Next month is another mystery to discover.

There's also a back-up story that's the true secret origin of Green Arrow and it is my favorite Green Arrow comic of all time.

What Did I Learn?
I learned that impotence is a difficult thing to get past. Not that I've ever had to get past it! And even if I did, it's nothing to be ashamed of! It just means you suck at pleasing women. Ha ha! Loser!

The Ranking!
+1!

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #2

Drilling your own cave isn't technically spelunking.

I'm not sure how I feel about Cave Carson drilling into the Earth. The Earth is round like an egg and often called a mother. Cave Carson is a one-eyed monster who loves to penetrate dark openings. Drilling down into my Mother against her will feels icky, especially when it's a Young Animal comic book. Because I know Young Animal comic books are supposed to mean more than what's on the surface. That's what this whole book about a spelunker is about! You're supposed to explore the deeper, darker hidden meanings in things! And when that deeper, darker hidden meaning winds up being the message "Fuck your mother," I feel a bit insulted. Does Gerard Way think I'm not man enough to insult my own mother? Fuck his mother!

This issue begins with the tale of how Cave Carson lost his eye. I'll sum it up in one word: carelessness! No wait! I have a better word: naiveté! Also maybe curiosity? Trust? Stupidity? Okay, I've discovered there are a lot of ways to explain why Cave Carson now has a cybernetic eye. I suppose you can't blame him. If I were crawling around a dark cave trying to avoid being killed by a Magma Troll, I'd probably assume the cutesy little robot orb with legs that dropped from the cave ceiling was friendly too. Don't believe anybody who might suggest I'd run screaming from the cave at the slightest sound and would never have even seen the cybernetic eye.

Fredric Wertham's anti-comic boner would have grown three sizes today.

This entire book is just a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotency, isn't it? He "retired" from exploring caves. His wife "died." He needs another man, Wild Dog, to operate his "drill." If you rearrange the letters in "Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye," you get "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner" (said in a cave thus the echoes).

Cave Carson's daughter, Chloe, is out with her boyfriend shopping for podcasting equipment so her father can spend all the free time he has from not having sex podcasting.

Christ, Chloe! Do you have to tell everybody about your dad's condition?!

Last issue, Cave Carson uncovered a mystery! The corporation which trains all the young spelunkers is involved in evilness and treachery! What a shock! That's the theme to Doom Patrol too! That's two of the four Young Animal books that are against capitalism and corporations! Shade the Changing Girl is about how bullying is bad and Mother Panic is about how art is murder.

Cave Carson realizes he needs to fight back. Dammit. Why did I use that phrase, "fight back"?! Now I want to watch old episodes of Fight Back with David Horowitz! I wonder if there are any on YouTube? Excuse me while I dive into this nearby rabbit hole. Time and writing being what they are, you won't even notice I'm gone!

See? I'm back! I also took a few moments to troll Sean Spicer on Twitter. The only power I feel I have as an American is to belittle and humiliate these assholes' words and actions since they don't give a shit about anything other than themselves. They don't care if we call them on their alternative facts or that we're against the things they're doing that we can't stop. But I'm fairly certain Sean Spicer gets tired of people asking him how good Trump's hand-jobs are. I think the movement we need, as Americans (oh, I also invite people from around the globe to join in. I know Joel Lycett is already enjoying doing it), is for each of us to tweet some insult to Donald Trump and Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway once per day. Just let them feel our disapproval, even if it's just their assistants reading the Tweets. You have to make them funny though, especially if assistants are reading the Tweets. The more they get some good laughs out of insulting their bosses, the more they're apt to engage in tiny worker rebellions around the office.

Oh, um, anyway, Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye meets with Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail to discuss the problems between EBX and the Muldroogian Mole People. Paul is all, "Oh shit yeah! We totes knows what's going down, Cave! We're on it, bro! But we need your daughter to help!" And Cave is all, "You need a championship Kick Puncher?" But instead of asking Chloe for her help because she might say no, Paul decides to kidnap her and force her on his new Corporate Cave Exploring Team. Cave probably won't like that and he'll have to bring the entire organization down, John McClane style. Or Rambo style. I mean, take your pick. There are so many movies where one lone white man saves the world that nobody ever asks themselves, "Why are fucking white guys so Goddamned confident and arrogant?"

What a man!

Using her world-championship Kick Punching skills, Chloe gets away from the EBX Agents. Using his naughty pen, Cave Carson gets away from Paul Has a Douchey Ponytail. Oh, he also quits EBX and steals the Drill Machine. Time to get his Indie Kickstarter Cave Exploration Team going!

Cave picks up Wild Dog first because he needs a Republican on his team to kill indiscriminately. Being a Democrat, Cave Carson has to be particular about the people he can do violence to and sometimes it's better to just kill anybody who seems to be trying to kidnap your daughter. Killing anybody and feeling no remorse is practically Wild Dog's only super power.

Too bad for Cave and Chloe and Wild Dog, the bad guys don't just die when they're shot. They pop a pill and transform into a monster.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that it's hard to read a comic book and write about it when you're busy reading your Twitter feed because you follow a lot of sassy monsters who don't take any shit from Twitter idiots. I've figured out the best way to use Twitter, by the way. You say things that are true. When somebody responds angrily with their anti-truths which they truly believe because they are desperately unsatisfied with who they've become as an adult, you don't bother engaging with them. You just tell them to shut the fuck up or call them a name and move on. Because trying to have a rational argument with an irrational person will almost certainly lead to high blood pressure and a stroke at a young age. People who don't know what they're talking about don't deserve dialogue. They need to be beat with the word stick, patted on the butt, and shoved along to the kiddy table.

The Ranking!
No change!