Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #21 (Fourth Week of April 2018)

E!TACT! #21
Jesse Chris: A Grunion Guy Story, Eternity Girl #2, New Super-man #22, Detective Comics #978, Suicide Squad #39, Justice League of America #28, Action Comics #1000, Kick-Ass #3, Deadman #6, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Jesse Chris
A Grunion Guy Story
By Grunion Guy

         "You guys are the greatest," proclaimed Jesse as he flipped his long blonde surfer's hair around his head in slow motion. "Who could ask for a better bunch of twelve male friends! So rad!"
         Jeremy Scaredycat looked askance and turned red. Everybody thought he was blushing because he loved Jesse so much. But he didn't love Jesse as much as he used to love Jesse. He loved Surf Country and hated Valleys way more than he now loved Jesse. Like thirty bucks more even.
         "Hey Jesse," devil's advocated Jeremy. I mean, he was about to devil's advocate. He was actually just getting Jesse's attention in the last quote. Also he believed his argument so maybe he was just the devil. But he didn't want people to know that he believed his argument so he was pretending to just be an advocate. "We should spray paint 'Valleys go home' all over the place because I'm tired of my shoulders being ridden over."
          "Oh, Jeremy," patronized Jesse in that way everybody but Jeremy loved. Simeon and Jacob and Terence and Sebastian and Philip and the other ones all loved it when Jesse looked at them like they were Italian dogs being told to roll over in French. "Render unto Brad what is Brad's. Duh!"
         "That doesn't make any sense, Jesse," replied Jeremy to the audible gasps of the other eight men at the table. I mean ten? Maybe some of them didn't gasp because their mouths were full of Jesse. You'll understand what that means after the next paragraph! "The waves aren't for Valleys! They're our waves!"
         "Oh, Jeremy," Jesse continued in that patronizing way. "This rad pizza is my tubular flesh. And the Mountain Dew is my blood, Brah. Duh!"
         After throwing up, seven of Jesse's friends said, "We totally understand why you said that!" They looked dumbly at Jesse like a French dog being told to roll over in Italian.
          "Man, this is my last dinner with you jerks!" cried Jeremy as he thought about how much non-Jesse's-flesh pizza he could buy with thirty bucks.
          "Well, why don't you leave the tip, what with all that thirty money you have," scowled Jesse but in a righteous way. "And Terence can deny having ordered the appetizers!"
          "What?! Why would you say that?" asked Terence. "And I didn't order them!"
          "Oh my goodness! How did he know you'd say that?!" cried Sebastian! "It's a miracle!"
         "He knew I'd say it because I didn't order them!" denied Terence.
          "Are you sure?" asked Philip.
          "Of course I'm sure I didn't order them! My stomach can't handle all that cheese!" denied Terence again.
          "Oh, to hell with this!" exclaimed Jeremy. "That's him! That one! The one in the Pacific Beach t-shirt!" Several Valleys rushed in to grab Jesse.
          "I got him!" yelled Brad!
         "Me too!" yelled Brad! It was a different Brad from the Valley than that first Brad from the Valley.
         "Oh no!" screamed eleven friends of Jesse! "Let's challenge them to a surfing contest!"
          "Put away your boards!" exclaimed Jesse as he winked at the camera. Later he surfed for everybody's sins. That was the exciting part. But the important part was that he made it through the tube three days later as all the bikini-clad onlookers watched in shock and amazement. Everybody always remembered him forever after that, especially the way he hated gay people.

The End!


Comic Book Reviews!

Eternity Girl #2
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry

Rating: One of my favorite things in the world after Oreos are writers who tell people how to write. It's always so informative for people who think they want to be writers but aren't actually writers. Because if you're a writer, you write. If you're a person who wants to be a writer, you ask writers what it takes to be a writer. Luckily for my love of writers who give writing advice, Magdalene Visaggio (the writer of Eternity Girl!) drops some knowledge on us at the end of this issue: "[W]riting is about saying yes more than it is about saying no. Don't let your fear that your stuff isn't good enough stop you from listening to your instincts. You don't have to be a genius right when you start; spend time writing and figuring out what kind of writer you want to be, and then you'll know what ideas work and don't for what you are doing."

Let's see. I definitely say yes more than I say no, as people (for example, all editors) who constantly criticize my writing will attest. I definitely wasn't a genius when I started out (and have no expectation that I'm somehow growing into a genius the further along I go). I have spent time writing but I don't think I've spent enough time figuring out what kind of writer I want to be! Is that how writing is done? Am I supposed to have an image of me on the back cover of my first novel and write toward that? I want to be one of those guys smoking a pipe and banging tons of ladies. What's a look that says "I bang a ton of ladies!" since I don't think publishers actually let you stick a photograph of you banging a ton of ladies right on the back cover of your novel. And finally, I'm not sure if I'm following the advice of that last sentence because I'm still trying to parse it.

One more great piece of advice from Magdalene: "Live fearlessly, and honestly; this is the only life you get." That's pretty profound when you think about it. I mean, seriously. Think about it! Have you ever considered that you only have one life? I bet you haven't or else you'd be spending it smoking pipes and banging tons of chicks and/or dudes! If you aren't puffing away on a pipe right now feeling superior, you're wasting your life!

In my early twenties, I had that only life you get epiphany and stupidly told my current girlfriend. She, understanding my mind better than I did at the time, said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I thought it was obvious but I was apparently wrong because she saw my epiphany better than I did! Obviously what my mind was telling me in its stupidly grandiose way was this: "You probably need to break up with your current girlfriend." My mind was right but I was a naïve asshole who probably gave people writing advice and definitely shouldn't have told my girlfriend that thing that was basically code for "I need a new direction in life and some space and really need to change some things, especially one big relationship thing!"

I should probably review this comic book now. I'm not sure how I feel about this series after this issue. I liked the first issue but this one was just depressing. I'm starting to see how a book about a main character desperate to die can be a bit of a downer. The commentary on comic book continuity didn't help to make me feel any better by thinking, "Whoa! Was that post-modern? I think that was post-modern? What is post-modernity anyway? Is asking that post-modern?!"

Two point six out of five stars.


New Super-man and the Justice League of China #22
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-fi

Rating: This comic book is less fun than it used to be. Three point one stars out of six.


Detective Comics #978
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz

Rating: You might remember how I said I was going to stop picking up this book because I hate typing the IV on Tynion's name, right? Well I did it! I took it off of my subscription box at the local comic book store! But I still have a couple of issues to read in the stack. This is one of them. I haven't read it yet but ignorance has never stopped me from reviewing a comic book. I'm sure this one is as mediocre and Tim Drake heavy as the previous dozen. Two point seven stars out of twelve.


Suicide Squad #39
By Williams, Edwards, and Arreola

Rating: I finally dropped this book as well. It's a shame it's been mostly bad for the last six and a half years since, seeing it on the shelf in December of 2011 while in Phoenix, Arizona, it was the impetus that got me back into comics and reading The New 52. If I had to judge the past seven years based on the quality of comic books I've read since that moment, I'd say it was a bad decision to walk into that comic book store. But if I had to judge it on how much enjoyment it's given me through writing about comic books, it was one of the best decisions of my life. But now, I must finally break up with this comic book because Rob Williams writes terrible one-dimensional characters. He isn't as funny as he might think he is. I suppose he doesn't give a shit if his characters' quips are humorous or not. He just knows he gets the same dollar amount per page no matter how shitty the quality of each page. Well, I finally give a shit and I won't read this shit any more. Point five out of ten stars.


Justice League of America #28
By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-Fi

Rating: Now that Lobo has left the team, I can finally read this comic book with clarity and objectivity. And it's not very good. For some reason, Orlando has decided that telling a good story is less important than stating a thesis and then restating that thesis and then grabbing the reader by the back of the neck and rubbing the reader's face in that thesis. I'm not sure why he even bothered to give the script to an artist. He could have just written "Inspiration is the most important thing in the world (after diversity, of course. But we covered that in the early issues)." The premise of this story is that super-heroes inspire people to greatness. That hasn't been the reality of comic books for decades (since Watchmen, probably?) but it's still a shared delusion that comic book readers all pretend to believe. Super-heroes aren't meant to take care of our problems for us because that apparently makes us weaker (although that's been the plot of every comic book since Watchmen. Probably); super-heroes inspire us to be as heroic as they are (except more heroic because we aren't invulnerable or good looking). But how could super-heroes be so inspiring if they didn't have inspiration as well? Nobody thinks up or does anything meaningful by themselves. Somebody has to do nothing but inspire before somebody else can think, "Oh! I hadn't thought of that! Now let me do all the real work while you go on singing or raising awareness or being famous or whatever." So super-heroes were inspired by a god of super-heroes whose existence they depend on. I guess without him, little Bruce Wayne would have just shrugged his shoulders after his parents were murdered and grown up to be another boring businessman.

Chronos has decided the way to defeat all the heroes at once is to kill Ahl, the god of super-heroes, with a magic brick. This is one of the few stories in recorded history that would be made better by a final revelation that it was all a dream. The other stories that would be made better by the dream revelation thing are the previous stories in this comic book series. Hopefully the final issue of Justice League of America will be Batman being awakened by one of his own long and painful farts. Then Alfred will walk in, make a sour face, and wave his hands in front of his nose before thinking, "That reminds me. Whatever happened to Batcow?"

One star out of seven.


Action Comics #1000
By lots of people.

Speaking of inspiration being the means to the end of itself, here's an eight dollar book with a bunch of stories all about inspiration! The stories within are best summarized by Geoff Johns and Dick Donner's story "The Car." It's about the guy who owned the car on the cover of Action Comics #1. The man's car is a metaphor for the man's life: he can either fix it or junk it. Superman gives him the option to make his life about helping make other people's lives better so they don't have to live the shitty life that led this man into crime. As Superman and the man speak, the guy says, out of nowhere, really, "Out on 45th, yeah. It used to get so hot, we always wanted to go swimmin' but there weren't no pool." As I read that, my eyes rolled and I blacked out for three minutes. "What the fuck was that non sequitur?" I thought critically. Sure, Superman mentioned the guy grew up in the orphanage on 45th. But who suddenly goes into some sort of nostalgic reverie over that comment? Shouldn't he just be like, "Yeah, I growed up there, Supes. What of it?!"

But being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know when dialogue that sounds unnaturally wedged into the story has been placed there to make a point later. So this man whom Superman lets go to fix his life or junk it chooses to fix his life by making the world a better place. And how does he do that? By breaking fire hydrants down on 45th so that the kids can keep cool! Thank God Superman is on the job to inspire people to make a difference! Can you imagine if those kids had to be a little too warm for a few weeks without this do-gooder's do-gooding?! I'm so glad Superman is out there inspiring us all to be our best selves!

Paul Dini's story, Actionland, is the best story because unlike Tom King and Scott Snyder and Geoff Johns and that Bendis guy, he doesn't think he has to be the smartest guy in the story collection. He just writes a dirty story about Mxyzptlk's sex life complete with rocket boners and purple-headed innuendos. I wonder how many young people will check this out of their elementary school library and get their first sexy time feelings reading this? They'll probably be confused and it will impact their sex life for decades after.

Brad Meltzer decides to twist the idea that everybody else came up with for this book: he has Superman inspired by the people he saves! But his story sucks because it didn't end with "I apologize for killing Sue Dibny."

Rating: I lied. This issue isn't about Superman being inspiring at all. It's, apparently, all about whether or not he's Superman without the red briefs. According to nearly every writer and artist in this issue, Superman's underwear is the most important part of Superman. And while some of them simply put the underwear back on him without saying much about it, Bendis seems to think his entire story hinges on mentioning it over and over and over again. I've never read Bendis so I'm now thinking, "This is what everybody raves about?" I'll simply assume this isn't his best work rather than assume it's typical of his writing. Although why would he write such overwrought pap for his big debut at DC? I'm not talking about the pages of underwear dialogue now. I'm talking about the prologue he's written for whatever he's doing next for DC. Once again we have a writer who believes their voice is so important to the comic book world that they have to bring about their vision of the Superman mythos by rewriting the entire thing. So welcome DoomsMongulod, the newest and worst nemesis Superman has ever faced! Working with Jor-el (because we haven't gotten enough reworking of Jor-el into a terrible person over the last few years (what is this fascination with making the previously glorified parents of superheroes into pieces of shit?)), Rogol Zarr (the Doomsday Mongul Zod Lobo mash-up) was the cause of Krypton's destruction in his quest to kill all Kryptonians.

Okay, maybe Jor-el wasn't part of this guy's quest. I should probably point out that Rogol Zarr simply says he promised Jor-el that he'd destroy all Kryptonians. That was probably meant as a threat and not a handshake deal. I just needed to add this paragraph because my facetiousness is hard to read in written texts to an online audience rabid to correct as many people as possible (whether they need correcting or not!).

58 stars out of 1000.


Kick-Ass #3
By Millar and Romita Jr.

Rating: Kick-Ass finally learns that she's not in a comic book. I mean, she is. But the premise is that she isn't. And she learns the painful lesson about reality this issue when everything goes to hell and she's captured by her nemesis. You can tell he's her nemesis because he looks different than all the other characters who pretty much look the same. That way when she encounters him, she doesn't have to think his name so the reader can say, "Oh! That's who that is! Her brother-in-law! There's no way I would have remembered." Now when Violencia appears, the reader can exclaim, "That's that guy! The really bad one! You can tell because he's covered in tattoos and piercings!" Then everybody in the coffee shop can scowl at that imaginary reader for shouting although it could have been worse. I almost made the reader shout, "That's the fucking cunt who almost killed Kick-Ass!" Then they really would have had a reason to scowl self-righteously.

3 stars out of 5. It might be standard Kick-Ass fare but I guess it's sort of entertaining if you've completely forgotten the premise of the first two Kick-Asses (which is also the premise of this Kick-Ass (I think. I've forgotten the premise of the first two)).


Deadman #6
By Neil Adams

Rating: Thank the stars this is the final issue so I don't have to feel compelled to buy another issue of this nonsensical garbage. I said "Thank the stars!" because I don't believe in God. But is thanking the stars any more reasonable than thanking God even when I don't believe in Him? Because now I sound like one of those wacky jerks from the seventies who believed in astrology and extra body hair and big orange vans.

Every cover of this series has had some kind of secret or special cover right up until this one. But I figure this one must have some kind of secret so I completely ruined it due to being convinced it was a Mad Fold-in. I'm still not positive it isn't so maybe I'll scan it into Photoshop and play around with it for a bit.

It's no good! I can't figure it out! I'm stumped as to how this cover is special. Maybe the fact that it's not special is how it's special! Maybe the only secret is the eye in Deadman's musculature?

Reading Deadman is like watching somebody have a stroke in slow motion. Did people at DC Comics simply accept the pages of this comic book without checking up on Neal? Editor Kristy Quinn must have been paid to not do her job. "Just accept whatever he turns in, Kristy," ordered DiDio as he wrote up a complaint to Human Resources about how long James Tynion IV holds eye contact. "It's not like he's going to come up with anything better on a second try. Did you read The Coming of the Supermen? No? Nobody did. Don't bother reading this either."

At one point during Deadman's "conversation" with Rama Kushna, he says, "You got no time to shut up and get on with it!" I have now spent longer contemplating the meaning of that line than the meaning of my own existence.

I think maybe this issue is a transcription of Neal Adams' personal conversation with God. Or maybe he's ranting at DC Comics for stealing all of his life's ideas and treating him like shit. Doesn't this sound more like Neal ranting at DC than Deadman ranting at Rama Kushna:

Neal: "Do you actually think I want to be here? You suck, you know that? This whole place sucks! If I could...I'd spit on you!"
More Neal, continued: "And you...you soulless witch...you have all my secrets and you hold them away from me!! I hate you...with a blue flame, Rama Bullpucky. You lie to me...and you compound your lies!! You're like a politician. You don't even know when you're lying."

Neal and/or Deadman seems angry at something but it's never really made clear. Nothing in this book was ever clear. It's the ramblings of a madman who gets to draw and say whatever he likes for a paycheck. I'm so fucking envious of Neal Adams right now! Who knew that by working hard your entire life at a job that earns you kudos and respect, a person can be rewarded with a paying soapbox to do whatever the fuck they want?! Why didn't somebody tell me this at twenty?! Instead, I've been on the non-paying soapbox trying to garner an audience by rambling like a madman! Stupid system!

Zero stars out of ten.

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Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Praise the Lord by Everlast
There are as many versions of rap as there are versions of rock. Maybe more since rock only has the two types: "I love fucking girls" and "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." I guess if we think of "Prog Rock" as rock, we discover a few more kinds of rock themes, such as "Don't help poor people because it hinders their ambition," and "I read a book once and I'm going to tell you about it now." Some people think the only versions of rap and/or hip hop that exist are "We're about to fuck, baby" and "Let's kill some cops." But this is Everlast so we get the white variation on rap with this song which is "I got beats and can rhyme better than all the other n-words, yo!" I'm not a white rapper so I'm not allowed to say the n-word when I'm being a bit jokey. If I were writing a serious treatise on whatever serious people write about, I would totally use it. The only other time I'd actually use the word n-word is if playing it would help me win a Scrabble championship. And then I'd probably make it plural to get the fifty point bonus and also so I could play it by pluralizing the last word I played, faggot. Although, I bet Scrabble doesn't allow players to use the n-word and I'd lose in a challenge. But they have to allow faggot because I was using the British variation of it, of course.
       Anyway, this song by the jump around guy playing a character named Whitey Ford was written to express how great he is at writing rap songs (presumably all about how great he is at writing rap songs about how great he is). At one point, he compares himself to Edgar Allen Poe which I thought was super clever because I recognized that name as a writer of psychological thrillers and sado-masochistic porn. He also mentions farting in a line where some people catch the vapors. Is that old-time farting? Probably!
Grade: C.

Crocodile by XTC
This song falls into a sub-category of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me" because it's about Andy Partridge's wife who left him. I think. Aren't all the songs on Nonsuch about that? I suppose every song in existence could be about Andy Partridge and his divorce from his wife Marianne if I think about it for long enough.
       The problem with this song is that it's on an album where I love half of the songs so much that it causes me to dislike the other songs even more than I normally would. So "Crocodile" and "Holly Up On Poppy" and "Humble Daisy" and "Bungalow" wind up covered in my spit and invective because I'd rather hear "War Dance" or "Rook" or "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" or "Dear Madam Barnum" or "Books Are Burning."
       Also, I read up on this album a little bit and discovered that the supposed crocodile noises in "Crocodile" are actually just slowed down pig grunts. Being that I have no understanding of my emotional responses to things (if that emotional response is anything other than blind, angry hatred), I don't know if this impresses me or makes me feel like fool.
Grade: C.

18 Wheeler by Pink
Pink lets us know immediately in this song that we can't keep her down after which she makes me realize my categories of rock songs are completely sexist! Who knew I was sexist?! I certainly learned something today! Also maybe I'm racist and homophobic based on my Scrabble bit earlier!
      Anyway, Pink's song, "18 Wheeler," falls into the rock category of "I'm the girl that's not going to let you fuck her." So while my categories were sexist in their initial perspective, they still work, I guess. It's also a good example of how the "girl" and the "fucking" in my category are completely metaphorical. See, you thought I was really limiting myself in my categories while also being sexist, didn't you?! Well maybe you won't underestimate me next time now that I've pretended I knew what I was doing all along.
       Let me explain: the "18 Wheeler" is a metaphor for music producers. I think. And Pink is all, "You aren't going to treat me like a slave because I'll join the Underground Railroad. Choo choo!" Which might be a bit of an iffy metaphor, Pink. I mean, do you really want to compare yourself to a slave when you're a rock star? I suppose it isn't as bad as her song called "My Vietnam" in which Pink declares how helping feed the homeless one time in her life was as bad as Vietnam. At times, Pink can get really melodramatic.
       iTunes lists the album Missundaztood under the genre of "Dance & House." Who comes up with these things? I'm pretty sure this song is simply "Rock" or "Pop." It certainly doesn't make me want to dance. Especially when Pink pronounces "sword" as "suh-ward."
Grade: C.

Last Dance by The Cure
Most of the songs on Disintegration fall into a subcategory of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." That subcategory is "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me because she drowned or something just as tragic. Maybe she just moved on with her life and left me to wither in my heartbreak and pain." This song seems to be about the death of innocence, or the dangers of living in nostalgia, or, maybe, about a man who murders a woman he once loved when they were children because she doesn't love him anymore. It's hard to tell because every song on Disintegration sounds as if you've just taken six Vicodin (it's the only opiate-based medication I've ever taken so it's all I can compare it to! Otherwise I'd probably say, "Five seconds on a morphine drip!" or "Three spoons of heroin!" or "Tea derived from steeping twenty-eight opium poppies!") and learned to listen to music through gauze while somebody sits by you, holding and caressing your hand, reminding you of the death of every pet you've ever had.
       Disintegration really is an album that probably did more harm than good hearing it at the time of my life I did. What I needed was an album that had songs like "How Many Times Does She Have to Tell You No, You Stalker?!" and "Take Control of Your Emotions, You Jackass!" and "Get on With Living, Dope!" Instead I discovered this album which was all, "Why?" and "How could she?" and "Maybe She Can Love Me If I Just Invest Even More Time Than I've Already Wasted!"
Grade: A+.

Some Fantastic by Bare Naked Ladies
I've never before noticed how much this song sounds like somebody simply hit a tempo button on an 80s keyboard before ad-libbing some goofy lyrics. Do all Bare Naked Ladies songs sound that way? I'm currently convinced the answer to that question is "How did I never notice it before?!"
      I was just goofing around when I came up with my rock categories but this song is another version of the "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." But instead of being sad about it, this guy is all, "If I think about it enough, I'll come up with some ridiculous plan to get her to sleep with me!" Then he lists all of those plans. I think if he had one more verse, it would be all, "I'll buy a van and remove the handles from the inside door before learning which bus you take to work after which I'll pull up and ask you if you can help me find my lost puppy. But first I need to learn where I can buy chloroform."
Grade: B-.

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Letters to Me!

KB writes: There really ought to be an annual Superboy Punch! to clean up continuity. There are of course conflicting opinions about what should be cleaned up, but maybe we start with the comics events that have pissed off a lot of fans, and see if the criticisms are valid, or if there are better versions of those events. Like, Barbara Gordon. There are differing opinions about whether she was better as Oracle in her wheelchair, but I think we can probably agree that the rapey aspects of "The Killing Joke" are worth retconning away.

My Reply: Isn't one of DC's big problems that they try a Superboy Punch! every few years? They should probably just leave everything alone. I especially don't think they should let fans determine what should and shouldn't be canon. They're the worst people to be in charge! Like if I were to write only stuff Doom Bunny wants me to write about, this blog would be full of recipes that didn't have any cheese unless it was cheddar and only in super extreme circumstances. Also if there are nuts in the recipe, there shouldn't be any chocolate. Also every plated recipe would look like an orgasming penis.

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KB Writes: The young have never heard of Chesterton's Fence. It goes as follows:

"In the matter of reforming things, as distinct from deforming them, there is one plain and simple principle; a principle which will probably be called a paradox. There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, "I don't see the use of this; let us clear it away." To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: "If you don't see the use of it, I certainly won't let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.""

To put it differently, maybe very simple solutions rarely fix the world because the world is a complicated place. Much more often than not, the "wisdom of youth" is more aptly called "the Dunning-Kruger effect". All in all I think it's a good thing that Tynion IV doesn't have the power to remake the world in his image, because good Lord imagine all the fences he'd rip down all willy-nilly.

My Reply: I think Chesterton doesn't describe his paradox clearly enough, or he needs to work on it a bit more. Sometime in my early twenties, I took up the philosophy that if I really despised something, or something really annoyed me for seemingly arbitrary reasons, I should actually pursue that thing as if I were one of the mindless masses to see if I could understand the joy of that thing. It's why I wound up with my tongue pierced in my mid-twenties. Although that also came about as challenging myself to do something ritualistic so that I could, even if only symbolically, feel like I'd made some transition between childhood and adulthood. I suppose taking my cross country trip in my Volkswagen bus was that as well. And that was a good metaphor for my transition to adulthood since my bus broke down halfway across the country.

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KB Writes: Can I admit that I miss all your daily thousands and thousands of reviews? Not that I want you to subject yourself to that sort of suffering; we've got only one of you so we should keep you in good repair. But, I really did enjoy all the hard work you did. Have you ever considered re-reviewing Cullen Bunn's work to see if you like it any better years later?

My Reply: I miss doing all of those reviews as well! Which is why I'm doing this! I'm not sad to be reading far, far less comic books though. I've finally gotten back to reading actual books at a reasonable pace again and I'm enjoying it. Plus one used book costs as much as one twenty page comic which just makes me hate comic books even more than I do when I'm reading one by Cullen Bunn. Speaking of which, how dare you ask me to consider re-reading Cullen Bunn's comic books! I was just forgetting about Twat Lobo and now look what you've done? I'm bleeding from my eyes and anus!

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That's all for this week! I've forgotten my sign-out! Later, jerkos? That sounds about right!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #8 (Fifth Week of January 2018)

 

E!TACT! #8
The X-Files: "The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat", Detective Comics #972, Justice League of America #22, New Super-man #19, Deadman #3, Mister Miracle #6, and Letters!
By Grunion Guy

"The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat"
By Darin Morgan and possibly Chris Carter but, really, who believes that? I think he's just listed for the "created by" bit.

This season of The X-Files certainly isn't the worst season of the series since it at least focuses on Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny's characters of Darcy Scullyberger and Filbert Muldoon. And just like the previous season, the best episode of this season (of course the entire season has yet to air but who seriously thinks there will be a better one after this?) was written by Darin Morgan. It's not a surprise to anybody who was a fan of The X-Files since he wrote a number of terrific episodes, including the only episode anybody ever needs to watch to understand the show, "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'".

In this episode, Darcy and Filbert take on The Mandela Effect and it's the most charming thing I've seen for some time. Although in the back of my mind, the experience is already ruined by imagining all the terrible Rick & Morty fans who will be chomping at the bit to point out that Reggie is just The X-File's version of Mr. Poopybutthole. Sometimes you just have to enjoy something that you can tell was created from the topic without the need to point out how you saw something similar first and thus the new thing was stolen from the thing you knew of. This is all Mandela Effect shit. How else is it supposed to insinuate itself into Darcy and Filbert's lives?

I don't actually have anything smart to say about this episode because I'm assuming anybody who has both seen it and who also reads my shit has a brain big enough to ferret out all the hilarity within it. I only bring it up to mention two things: the Evel Knievel doll was my favorite toy growing up in the seventies because he came with a stunt cycle and a contraption to crank the cycle up to speed so it could launch into a ravine or over a fountain and it always landed realistically (meaning a huge crash); and the moment when Reggie is reading the comments on the Dr. They YouTube video and he says, "This jerk simply says 'Meh.'"

From this point on, I'm going to claim Darin Morgan as my father instead of fucking [REDACTED]. He was born 23 years before I was and in Santa Clara County, where I grew up. So I think I have a pretty solid case. I'm going to ask my mom if she ever cheated on my dad when he was in 'Nam with a Darin Morgan!


Detective Comics #972
By Tynion IV, Mendonça, Egea, and Wright

Here's what I've learned from superhero comics: no matter how corrupt a person becomes, they will always retain enough love of their friends and family to be brought back from the edge. This is why I think we need more autistic villains. They'll never be crippled by the weakness of bullshit sentimental attachments! At the very least, it would put an end to the stupid trope where somebody overcome by darkness breaks out of it when the hero says, "I know you're still in there!" Why is the real personality of the person always the part that's good and loving? And why is it like some kind of spark that is never extinguished, no matter what kind of magic, chemicals, or psychotherapy has been used to turn them bad? What if the good part of them was the part they were faking?

Hopefully this Clayface story is doing the exact opposite (although I don't think it is because, just like we all knew, Clayface stops his rampage when Cassie confronts him). Clayface has gone to the good side but now the First Victim is all, "I know you're still in there!" And Clayface is all, "Yeah! Yeah! I'm really a bad guy! What the fuck am I doing?!" And now Batwoman is going to have to "kill" him so that Tim Drake can turn into future Batman Who Uses A Gun.

Ranking: There wasn't enough going on here for me to hate it the way I usually hate Tynion's writing. It was mostly Clayface escaping and Cassie bringing back the old Basil right up until he's overwhelmed by too much clay. The only part I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with was when Batwing was all, "People need to stop using wet wipes!" Right?! It's like people who probably think they're really concerned about the environment think they've found a great life hack that enables them to shit carelessly because look at how easy it is to clean up! Instead, they're flushing shit down the toilet that doesn't easily disintegrate like toilet paper and instead clogs up septic systems and creates ginormous arterial blockages in London sewers. Hey, messy assholes? The modern sewer system might not exactly be an environmental concern but it certainly is a modern urban concern that you should think a bit more about. Maybe just spritz a bit of toilet paper if you've had a messy dump instead of using wipes that are going to create a serious problem? And, yes, sometimes your finger might break through and go up your asshole. Get over it. Wash your stupid hands after. Or maybe stop eating so much meat and get a little fiber into your diet so your shit comes out healthy. Perhaps stop using wet wipes to clean up the symptoms of something you could change via diet!


Justice League of America #22
By Orlando, Edwards, Henriques, and Hi-Fi

Mari explodes but just before doing so, she invokes the planarian which means she'll regrow from the hand she ripped off earlier. Then she'll, um, I don't know. Say something uplifting which will get the other heroes to fight harder than they were fighting when everything depended on them fighting their hardest.

Ranking: This issue was terrible because the Joker's Daughter lookalike used some pop psychology to make it seem like Lobo is a big coward who worries about what people think of him. Luckily I'm too smart to fall for that. But I'm worried that other, more stupider fangenders will think it's suddenly canon just because a character expressed the idea. Readers of comic books who are lovers of continuity and canon are the worst, most earnest people in the world. They take everything at face value and have no ability to process subtlety. That's why so many of them love the books with constant Narration Boxing and hate books where the reader is never allowed inside the main character's head. And even though I said all of that stuff because Lobo isn't what The Might Beyond the Mirror just said he was, I'm fairly certain Orlando put it in there because he was all, "I have this great hot take on Lobo that I'll have this character vomit forth into continuity and then everybody will be all, 'Yeah! Lobo totally is that!'" Fucking Steve Orlando. You're treading thin ice, sir. You really don't want to get on my bad side. I'll forgive you if next issue, Lobo pulls out his dick and it's super fat and Batman is all, "That's not fair!"


New Super-man #19
By Tamaki, Peeples, Friend, and Hi-Fi

My mother and father divorced when I was two years old. My father moved to Oregon and then Japan and then back to Oregon and then to Arizona and then back to Oregon. He didn't enter recovery for alcoholism until I was nearly 18. My sister and I weren't completely starved for time with him, at least not until he really hit bottom and was living in Florence hunting for mushrooms to make a living (also when he was in Japan). I didn't know he was an alcoholic until he entered recovery. My mother never mentioned it although one year for Christmas, she suggested that we get him a variety twelve pack of international beers saying, "He'll definitely enjoy this." When I graduated high school, I moved up to Oregon to live with him for six months as I began college at Portland State. I moved into the dorms after the first trimester (I wasn't pregnant; Portland's school year was just weird). It was the beginning of trying to be friends with my dad. I don't think I was ever able to think of him as a father though. It worked for awhile. He probably thinks it's still working. But as I sit here knowing that I'm going to bail on his Super Bowl party this weekend, I realize I'm exhausted by who he's become and the history behind us. The Vietnam vet who once told me that if the draft was ever re-instituted and I was drafted he would personally drive me to Canada has now become a warmongering staunch conservative who mostly wants to debate things like one school somewhere changing the name from Lynch to something else because the word "lynch" made some people uncomfortable. He wants to debate these individual situations and proclaim they're the norm and they're a portent of the apocalypse. He's the guy who denies the Redskins have a racist team name because the one Native American guy he knows from the program doesn't give a shit, so it must only be white libtards who care. He's the guy who once had me help him bury a steel barrel full of ammunition in his backyard because the world was going to go down in flames during Y2K.

My dad is also the only parent my sister will currently speak to. And this is possibly the heart of the matter. While my mother raised my sister and I as a single parent, my dad drank himself sick and divorced two more wives on the pedestal his children had built for him. My mother had to be the enemy. She was there for the hard teenage years and the difficult rebellions and tests against authority. We had to see the reality of who she was as a person while my father was able to remain a fantasy. And in those times, we never lacked for anything. She worked her ass off and sacrificed more than I ever would to make sure we were fed and sheltered and showered with an embarrassment of material comforts. I can barely even remember all the things I desired that my mother made certain I had because they were ubiquitous gifts throughout my youth. But I remember the BMX bike my father paid for because what else was there?

I spent about five years of my life in my thirties not speaking to my mom. I wasn't angry with her but I had ended a phone conversation abruptly one year after Christmas, telling her quickly that I had to go when she began pushing my buttons. Because you see, my mother did enjoy making me angry. I think she needed to be a martyr. Perhaps when her children didn't offer her the praise she almost certainly deserved, she would rather have proof that we were ungrateful jerks. And so she would poke and prod until we exploded at her. Sometime in my thirties, I matured. Instead of exploding, I defused. My mother didn't like that and began telling everybody in the family that the last time we spoke, I had hung up on her. This was patently untrue. I was patient and kind in my abrupt end of the conversation.

This break in our relationship caused my grandmother no end of worry. She constantly urged me to call my mother and I would say, "She can call me as well. I don't have any problem with her." Eventually, after a few years, while I was on the phone with my grandmother, my mom stopped into my grandmother's house. My grandmother said, "Your mom just came in. Do you want to speak with her?" And I said, "Sure." My mom realized it was me on the other line and I was acting as if nothing had taken place, so she was kind of laughing as she spoke. I could tell she thought it was somewhat ridiculous, as if maybe I should have begun with an apology. But she played along and it was nice and we were back in communication. I feel like those years of silence were what we needed to engage as adults. During those years (and perhaps the time before the last call, when I decided to not yell and simply retreat), I matured. I don't know what changes, if any, my mother made so that we could have a respectful relationship. In fact, I don't know that it matters. What matters is that I changed perspective. I decided to look at my youth not as a constant battle with my mother but as a place where my mother, at the very least, stayed to fight. And not out of malice or resentment but out of love for her children. I couldn't say the same for my father.

At my grandmother's funeral, my sister and my mother spoke their last words to each other. Neither of them have been able to deal with the past in a way that might bring them closer together. Instead, my sister retreated to our dad's escape. She now lives in Oregon within walking distance of our father. I appreciate that they have each other because now maybe he'll leave me alone more often. I don't have any ill will toward my father. It's just that I feel he participated in a life that cost my mother something of her children's love and, afterward, he desperately needed to be friends with those children. I was able to give him that, for awhile. I couldn't think of him as a father but as a friend? Sure. Why not? But I think I've grown tired of that friendship. But what's nice is that I've once again become friends with my mother. And while I'm still not sure that I actually feel it when I tell her I love her when we end a phone conversation, maybe, each time, I'm getting a little bit closer to actually meaning it. At the very least, I respect what she did for me and my sister growing up. And I think she deserves a lot better than what my sister thinks of her.

Ranking: I said all that because this issue was about Laney Lan and her parents. And kind of about Kenan Kong and his parents. But this issue also had one more important bit:

Finally! An Aquaman that will be entertaining!

Deadman #3
By Neal Adams

I'm not the only one who has been confused by this comic book. I mean, obviously! I'm not the only one who has purchased it! And the Venn Diagram of people who have purchased this comic book and people who have been confused by this comic book intersect at "The people who both bought it and read it." But I've stumbled across the answer to not being confused by the book from Neal Adams himself!

Oh shit! It's one of those comic books where you have to look at the art?! Fuck me! No wonder I've been confused. I'm such a fucking idiot.

So now that I know how to not be confused by reading it, let me go back to issue one and look at the art. Hmm. Let's see. Commissioner Gordon looks like a man who in no way should be inspecting a Japanese nuclear power plant. I'm still confused. Maybe that's the part that will come together. Although I wish it would come together like The Beatles song and do it right now. And all over me.

My first thought when looking at this cover was "Where's the gimmick?!" The first cover was glow in the dark and the second cover had the invisible lion that appeared when you held the issue up to light. I thought maybe the gimmick for this one was The Spectre obviously shouting, "Hey! Where's the gimmick?!"

But then I looked at the artwork like I was instructed to do and I was all, "Hey! That's not artwork at all! Them are words explicating the meaning of the book! How many other pieces of art in this thing were just words telling the reader what's going on?!"

The text says, "In the trembling evil of the world, a place is set aside so that souls in bitter torment may lick their wounds and hide. Rama holds a court in [such a place?] tho cold and Stygian gloom enfolds the blossom that is Nanda Parbat. There the balance that is life is told." Hmm. I'm still confused.

I think Neal believes that what people are confused by are the moments where Deadman is possessing somebody. In this issue, he's made it plenty clear when Boston is moving between people or when he's inside somebody. It's too bad that those were the only parts that were understandable in previous issues. The confusion comes from every single other aspect of the story.

Hopefully this comic book wins an Eisner for Best Dialogue.

Throughout Boston's confrontation with his father, the words "Daddy" and "son" get thrown around a lot. And it seems like they're used sarcastically by the characters. Which is weird. Am I missing something? Is Cleveland and Boston's father not really this guy who loves to punch people from the slightest provocation? And what is up with naming his kids after terrible places to live [sorry, KB!]?

I also get the feeling Neal Adams is on the board of Citizens For The Improper Overuse of Ellipses. Or maybe Neal Adams thinks everybody should speak like Captain Kirk?

Boston learns that his older brother Aaron was promised to the League of Assassins in exchange for his mother getting a dunk in a Lazarus Pit. So is Deadman about to find out his brother was responsible for killing him? I hope so! That's probably why The Spectre is getting so involved in the story. He loves to jerk off to brother's killing each other.

The saying on the cover is repeated at the end of the story so I went half-blind reading it for nothing. The part I couldn't read was "care" and not "such a place."

Ranking: I think it was about this issue (or maybe partway through last issue) that Neal Adams began to figure out what this story should be about. At least it's getting somewhat comprehensible.


Mister Miracle #6
By King and Gerads

I seriously can't talk about this until it's over and I've reread it all in one sitting. I think it's the exact opposite of Neal Adams' Deadman.


Letters to Me!

Letters to Me! should be renamed Letters from KB. I removed the exclamation point because it wasn't a statement about me and thus I wasn't excited by it. So here's another letter from KB who will explain to everybody why CW's Black Lightning is worth watching.

KB writes: Finally got a chance to watch "Black Lightning" #2. Am I spoiling things? I guess I don't care. Episode 1 had Black Lightning coming out of retirement just to save his daughters, and good for him. Though something nagged me about that: why do the Pierce girls deserve a rescuing more than anyone else? Well episode 2 took on that question directly, and did not disappoint. The episode was full of Jefferson Pierce trying to resist the inevitable obligations of his power, and in the end deciding that he has responsibilities beyond trying to hold his family together. Dude has pretty much given up on rebuilding his family because his city needs him more.

Has "The Teen Titans" ever been that level-headed about responsibility to society? I'm pretty sure not.

Anyway, with episodes one and two serving specific functions and ending on resolutions, I detect planning and an arc behind this, like they want to do a quality job and also know how to. Do they even do that in comics? Mark Gruenwald used to, but he died 22 years ago.

Me: That's my main issue with comic books: not a lot of planning. Since most writers can't, ultimately, change the status quo of the main character in any major way, most of them just tell stories that mean nothing. Batman has a situation he must deal with. Batman almost fails. Batman pulls through in the end. The reader learns what? Batman can triumph even when he's nearly defeated? Just replace "Batman" with any other hero and you've got 98% of all superhero comic book stories.

Now being that Black Lightning's show is just beginning, we probably shouldn't praise it too loudly. Right now, they're just setting up the status quo. Once that's developed, the whole thing might simply become some kind of procedural show where the same shit happens each week and Black Lightning triumphs. My main hope for the show is that it doesn't become Green Arrow where everybody is constantly hurt because the next person to come along hasn't explicitly told them every single fucking detail of their life up until that point. "What do you mean you had diarrhea the night we first met?! How could you not tell me! YOU LIAR!"

I'm fairly certain that was some Felicity dialogue that was cut from the second season.

New Super-man #11

Superman Zero? That reeks of a cheesy marketing scheme to breathe new life into the Superman brand.

The Fla-sh of China has a new suit and it's the best. Although I did appreciate her Goodwill costume that used the AC/DC lightning bolt as her Flash flair. But it wasn't pink and cute and form-fitting (which is only the third best aspect although part of my body thinks it's the first best).

In this issue, we learn that Wonder Woman of China is just a snake pretending to be a woman. Should I find that as sexy as I do? It's possible I'm jumping to the wrong conclusion. But a turtle that became a man that became a giant mega monster turtle has a problem with creatures that use qi to step outside their natural places. He, as a turtle, did it to become a man and he seems to think Wonder Woman of China did it as well while referring to her as Green Snake. And that's how animals in fables and myths always refer to other animals, right? They're all, "Hey! Rabbit! Stop pooping on my door step!" And "Hey! Owl! Why are you so pretentious?" And "Hey! Why are we calling the donkey Eeyore?! Fucking monster is using his qi to step outside his natural boundaries! Get him!"

Since Justice League of China aren't capable of defeating the Doomsday Turtle Man, Dr. Omen has to release Super-man Zero to get the job done. You've probably already made your own less calories, all the taste joke while patting yourself on the back and mumbling, "Good one, Sexy Genitals!" So I'll skip the joke and also raise an eyebrow at your nickname for yourself. Super-man Zero doesn't turn on Doctor Omen and beat the shit out of her for keeping him held captive. Instead he rushes off to save the day for some reason. It's not like he's got a Kryptonite Bomb in his head! The idiot should be flying off to France!

New Super-man #10

Mmm! A savory Hostess Meat Pie!

The Review!
This issue begins with an unforgivable continuity error!

Snakepit attacked Clark Kent! People aren't supposed to remember that Clark Kent is Superman!

Okay, maybe this is forgivable and maybe it also isn't an error. Perhaps this takes place before Superman Reborn. Or perhaps Snakepit just doesn't keep up on the news so he still thinks Clark Kent and Superman are the same person (which they are but he's supposed to not think that anymore thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk!). Also, who really fucking cares? I totally don't! That hole in my wall was already there from a different time I became really angry at a comic book. This time I didn't get angry at all.

On an unrelated note, how do you tell if you've broken your knuckles?

Kenan is really impressed by Superman's heat vision. He'd better hope he gets heat vision since he only gets one super power that relates to his eyes. It's either heat vision or x-ray vision. Oh wait. Kenan probably would rather have x-ray vision. For heroic reasons, of course.

Kenan opens Lex's Door to Hell again because Kenan is lazy and stupid. He thinks it'll give him super powers but instead all it gives him is loads of demons. Better loads of demons than demon loads! Brozingo!

Brozingo is what I say when I make a funny joke for the masses. It's a totally original exclamation!

Superman is all, "I'm sort of quoting Indiana Jones!" And Kenan is all, "I'm not!" Then they fight loads of demons.

Lex Luthor is dragged to Hell and Superman totally smirks a bit. I saw it! But Master I-Ching dives into Hell to rescue Lex, probably because there's a good chance he'll get a reward. It's the only reason I ever do anything for the greater good. The first thing I think is, "Will making the world a better place for people other than me grant me something in return?" If the answer is possibly yes, I'll do the thing and then tell everybody how I was totally paying it forward and now if somebody wants to pay their forwardness forward toward me, that would be cool. Because that's how it works, right?

I hate people who use the phrase "Pay it forward." I guess the only reason to do something kind is in the hopes that you will start some kind of movement of kindness. Which is sort of judgmental and sucky because it's almost like you're obligating the person you did something nice for into having to do something nice as well. At some point, the paying it forward will have to end. At that point, does everybody get angry at the selfish jerk who didn't do something kind after having something kind done unto them?

I like to pay it forward with insults. You call somebody an asshole and then you know they're going to be so angry that they'll call somebody else an asshole later! Ha ha! It's like playing anger dominoes.

Master I-Ching drives away the demons and saves Lex but they become trapped in Hell when Dinner Party closes the doors behind them. It's proper etiquette! Lex Luthor doesn't mind because it gives him some time to speak with Skeleton In The Closet Superman.

The China White Triad flee the scene leaving Superman, The Fla-sh, and New Super-man to locate the Ox-Head and Horse-Face Hell Rings so they can open the door to Hell and rescue Master I-Ching.

That totally makes sense because X-Ray Vision is mainly used to give a person super boners which are located in the thigh region.

Once the doors are reopened, Kong Kenan meets Ox-Head and Horse-Face themselves! They kick out the humans, take back the demons, and return the rings to Hell so nobody can bother them again. But before they do that, Kenan asks them about his parents. They tell him his parents have not arrived in the afterlife. Shocking twist! I mean, at least for his mother. His father was shown earlier being held in a Bacta Tank in the Ministry of Self-Reliance's secret lab.

After the battle, Lex kicks Kenan out of his building without even giving Master I-Ching a reward. If only Lex could find somebody who loves him!

Superman tells New Super-man that he's going to need his help when Crisis!: Who Causes The Crises? takes place. Then New Super-man goes back to China taking The Fla-sh along. China is going to have the best Justice League ever! And also the cutest. Although they won't be truly great unless they can get themselves a Lo-Bo.

The epilogue reveals that Ching Lung is actually Master I-Ching in disguise! He's up to no good while also being up to good! Can he do that?!

The Ranking!
+1! If you're not reading this comic book, I don't care. Do whatever you want with your life!

New Super-man #9

Bernard Chang: "I will too get DC to publish a cover with New Super-man jerking off while riding Superman's humongous penis."

Kenan has discovered that his super powers are tied to the I Ching. Thanks to Apple products, I constantly want to write that as the iChing. I'm surprised Apple hasn't marketed one yet.

Trigram 3: Flight. Trigram 4: Super-kicks. Trigram 5: X-ray Vision. Trigram 6: Super-Ventriloquism. Trigram 7: Dealing with Batman.

Lex Luthor has decided to visit the Justice League of China in their headquarters because he's up to no good. I bet he wants a sample of New Super-man's semen so he can create some Bi-zarros. Don't mistake them for Gay-zarros just because they're currently dating other Bi-Zarros. It's just that there aren't any Bi-zarro Lois Lanes yet.

The most important thing in the first two pages is not Lex Luthor's appearance or the revelation that New Super-man will ultimately only have eight super powers. The most important revelation is that Bat-man has a Rob-in sidekick. I think it's hyphenated as Rob-in because it is a robot. It could also be hyphenated as Ro-bin since it looks like it could be used as a trash receptacle.

Actually, Bat-man calls it Robinbot. That's stupid. It's Gene Luen Yang's first misstep on this comic book! I suppose the logic is that it begins with "ro" so why not end it with "bot"? You might think that if you were all logic circuits, thus missing your "No, that sounds stupid" circuit. A lot of people don't have either.

It's okay that Gene Luen Yang didn't spend enough time perfecting the Ro-bin name because he makes me forget it almost immediately with his wonderful dialogues and superb characterizations on the following pages. I mean, I haven't literally forgotten his misstep. I'm just pretending that I'm not letting it fester in that part of the brain that loves to eventually destroy everything good and holy.

Lex Luthor would like to bring Kenan to America as a consultant for LexCorps. But since he doesn't speak English at all and Lex is pretending to be terrible at Mandarin, Master I-Ching will be coming along to translate.

It may not be what he said to the letter but it contains the gist of what he said with some helpful life advice. All the best translators work this way.

Kenan doesn't want to go but the Max Lord of the Justice League of China makes him go. I forget her name. Miss Hannigan, maybe?

I can't wait until Master I-Ching and Alfred Pennyworth have a moment alone together.

Lex's plane looks remarkably like a stylized Lex-Soar 7 from the Super Powers action figure collection. Now I want to get it out and play with it. It's landing gear was a set of claws to capture Superman! Plus it had a huge hunk of kryptonite in the back. You know, just for looks. Or ballast. It wasn't ever used to hurt Superman. You should probably now forget what I said about the landing gear. Um, you know what? Imma call my lawyer.

As Lex shows off his battle suits, he reveals that he can speak Mandarin fluently. Yeah, whatever. Typical! I understand how that's the way to go with the whole Machiavellian language thing but I still like it better if Lex Luthor, even being the smartest man on Earth, couldn't get the hang of Mandarin. Master I-Ching has one of those "Oh fuck. Lex knows I've been mistranslating everything" moments and shits himself a little bit. But Kenan is all, "You're my hero! I mean, right after Superman, of course!" And Lex is all, "Speaking of Superman, what would you say if he wasn't your hero? Hanh? Hanh?"

Lex tries to shake Master I-Ching but Kenan is all, "No way, dude! You aren't tricking me with that whole 'let's get rid of the chaperone and slip into something more comfortable' routine! Unless that something more comfortable is one of those cool battle suits!" That's when Kenan discovers Trigram 3's super-power: The Super-Boner.

Lex reveals why he was interested in the Justice League of China. There's a Mandarin speaking speedster who's been loitering around LexCorps. At first he thought she was The Fl-ash. Fla-sh? Lex has some paranoid theories about why she's been trying to infiltrate his building. One of those theories is that she's trying to get a peek inside his Ox Horse Door Ring Portal. That is not a euphemism for his butthole. I know it sounded exactly like the kind of butthole euphemism I would come up with but I assure you that is straight out of Lex's filthy mouth.

Lex believes the doors open up on a dimension that will enable Kenan to learn his super-powers the easy way. Master I-Ching does the Chinese version of Batman's "-tt-" while Kenan continues to try to hide the evidence that he learned his Trigram 3 super-power. Master I-Ching's "-tt-" is completely ignored because Kenan hates doing things the hard way (that was a boner joke. Maybe).

Kenan decides to open the portal and boy is he glad he did!

I mean not glad!

That's just like Lex Luthor to keep a skeletal Superman inside a mystery portal to another dimension. What an ass.

Lex makes sure to shout "Oh, um, look at that! A physical manifestation of Superman's powers and not the animated corpse of a Superman victim I've been hiding in my portal! Gosh. Ha ha! Why would somebody think that?"

Now that the portal is open, Fla-sh decides to show up so she can punch Kenan in the face. Her superhero outfit is a pair of yellow gloves, yellow pants, and a red AC/DC shirt. You know, because it has the lightning bolt between the boobs. I mean between the AC and the DC.

Fla-sh informs Super-man that he just opened the Gates to Hell. She calls Hell "Diyu" for some reason that I can't be bothered to understand because I'm an American.

Appearing with Fla-sh are her super buddies: China White (leader and heroin lover), Snakepit (brawler and punching lover), and Dinner Party (food and etiquette lover). Oh wait. Dinner Party is actually named Strato the Cloud-man. I liked Dinner Party better. I'm sticking with Dinner Party. He'd be welcome at my dinner party any day with his lovely jacket and fancy gloves.

Dinner Party would have been a better name mostly because Superman crashes the party and somebody could have made a good joke about that. Anyway, leave it to Superman to butt in on a situation that isn't any of his business. I guess the cover of this issue was premature. Superman and Super-man will have to metaphorically fuck next issue.

The Ranking!
+1! Not that I can raise this comic book any higher since it's my favorite Rebirth comic book that doesn't star Lobo. And let's face it. The one starring Lobo doesn't really star Lobo enough to be as good as I pretend it is just because Lobo is in it. This is the DC comic book Marvel Zombies should be reading (if they could lower themselves to read a DC Comic Book, that is).

New Super-man #8

With an entire Bat-school full of Bat-men (Bat-mans?), Yang is probably going to turn Chinese Bat-man into Kenny from South Park.

• Just in case anybody forgot, this is currently my favorite Rebirth comic book that doesn't star Lobo.

• Continuing the drama from last issue (which is preferable to just going in a totally new dramatic direction (I mean, I can't speak for all readers. I'm sure some shitty 4chan users out there would rather have a plot as absurd as a Pokey the Penguin strip. But then they think knowing the secret message of an Internet meme is the height of humor because they're all basically sentient bean bags)), Kenan battles Master I-Ching. If Kenan wins, he'll be taken on as a student. But he isn't winning. He's currently getting his ass kicked. An I-Ching hasn't kicked this much ass since one helped write Philip K. Dick's The Man in the High Castle.

• Continuing different drama from last issue, Bat-man of China battles his rival, Wanna-Be-Bat-man of China, to see who gets to keep being Bat-man of China. The wanna-be guy has been cheating so far but Wonder-Woman of China will straighten that shit right out. I sometimes wonder how the patriarchy came into existence when women are so much better at being adults and resolving conflicts. I suppose when you have two people trying to solve a problem where one of them has the fortitude and ingenuity to fix the problem and the other one is strong enough to physically threaten the problem solver if they don't shut up, the wrong people are going to wind up in charge.

• Holy shit! That reminds me that I had a dream last night where I was at my mother's house and my friend Doom Bunny asked, "Where is your mother? Why haven't we seen her?" And I thought, "Oh shit! Yeah." So I went to check the master bathroom and found a cabinet knocked over and my mom collapsed halfway out of the bathtub. She couldn't speak and just looked me in the eyes like a wounded animal, teeth chattering and scared. I fucking freaked out and took her in my arms to try to keep her stabilized. I yelled at Doom Bunny to call 911 while staring into the terror-filled eyes of my mother. As she struggled to slide back into the bath, I thought "This is too fucking much" and woke myself up. So for anybody who has read this blog and thought, "Geez, Tess. Why do you act like your relationship with your mother doesn't fucking matter?", you can have that dream as evidence that, apparently, it matters a lot. That may be the worst nightmare I've had in years.

• Continuing still different drama from last issue, Wonder-Woman of China battles Alpaca in the server room of the Bat Training Facility. He's (unless it's a she, hint hint! Baixi has a sister who is the only other student worth knowing about in this facility) the one who has been spray painting obscenities all over the school. See, the joke is that the Grass Mud Horse is a type of Alpaca. This is a good example of that 4chan humor I mentioned earlier.

• Excuse me while I turd. Have a panel to look at until I get back.

I don't know if that's a better question. It's just a different way of answering it.

• Hmm. I probably didn't have to mention the bowel movement, did I? Because of the way I comment while I read the comic book, I tend to forget that this blog entry isn't going out live.

• Back to the Kenan versus the ancient prophetic text made into a man, Kenan decides to move his qi up from his fists into his ears. That's so he can hear where Master I-Ching both is and is not. It's ancient Chinese wisdom.

• Speaking of Ancient Chinese wisdom, has Archie McPhee never sold fortune cookies with Sun Tzu quotes in them? That seems like a bajillion dollar idea! Imagine opening a cookie after dinner and reading, "Invincibility lies in defense, the possibility of victory in the attack." That's already better advice than any regular fortune cookie I've ever eaten!

Although this one was pretty good. The Non-Certified Spouse's mother once got this one at a Chinese restaurant in Lincoln, Nebraska.

• Um, anyway, when Kenan moves his qi up into his ears, he begins to hear all of the noise all over the neighborhood around him. One of the things he hears is some kid bouncing a basketball. FUCK YES! That is one of my top hated sounds coming in through the walls of my house when I'm trying to write and I don't even have super-hearing! I just want to go outside, snatch the neighbor kid's basketball out of his sticky hands, and kick it over the roof onto the next block. The only reason I don't is I know that kid will soon be a teenager and he might stab me.

• Wanna-Be-Bat-man of China loses the fight even though he conspired with Alpaca to rig the contest. So now he's decided to threaten the life of his schoolmaster by putting a Bat-Grapple up to his head. That seems wrong but I don't know anything about Schoolmaster O so I'll withhold my judgment. Schoolmaster O might be a huge prick.

• It doesn't work. Baixi, Bat-man of China, saves the day and remains Bat-man of China. I wonder if there will be a Manbat of China? See how I left out the dash in the same way they've been putting in a dash for the Chinese versions without one? Clever!

• I just wrote "clever" about something I just wrote. I also constantly call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. I wonder how many people are turned off by the seeming arrogance and completely miss the joke of it all? Dum-dums!

• Once Kenan invokes his super-hearing, he hears a kid about to be hit by a truck and ditches the fight to save the day. But in saving the kid, the driver of the truck is grievously wounded. So he rushes him to hospital and heads off to pout at a nearby shrine. Master I-Ching catches up with him there. Probably to punch Kenan one more time and win the fight.

• Alpaca winds up being Jiali, Bat-man's sister. She is tired of being controlled by China and all things communist. She's not even fighting for democracy! She's just an anarchist and my heart is suddenly pittering and pattering all over the place. Alpaca is the real hero!

• Oh, also she escapes to be Bat-man of China's Jo-ker. But named Alpaca.

• Master I-Ching doesn't punch Kenan in the nose and gloat and do a little blind man dance. Instead, he tells Kenan why Kenan has an octagon on his chest. And he explains Superman better than about 90% of all writers who have ever written Superman.

Never mind the third interpretation. It's not nearly as clever as the totality of this page.

• That previous page didn't make me cry but it has come closest to any comic I've read in a long time. It got me right in the belly trigram and the eye trigram.

• After a moment of showing what everybody is doing during the Year of the Rooster celebration, there's an epilogue. Somebody identified as Super-man Zero, locked away in the Crab Shell, is approached by a mysterious figure who claims to be the reason for Chinese super-heroes. The final page identifies this mysterious stranger and...um...well, uh. See for yourselves!

Whew. I'm glad a genius grant Chinese American is tackling Ching Lung but I'm nervous about the comments I might make!

• I can't believe Ching Lung isn't in DC's late eighties Who's Who! They were trying to erase history, weren't they?!

• Seriously, though, I'm super excited about Gene Luen Yang taking on this story. I'm a huge fan of people examining the racist history of popular entertainment, talking about it in a frank and honest way, rather than pretending it never existed. And I especially like when a company decides to tackle it in-house. I'm sure DC Comics had to be nervous about this whole thing but if they didn't kill the idea, I can only imagine Gene Luen Yang (who has been writing the fuck out of this comic book (that was a compliment!)) will have some insightful and thoughtful opinions on the subject of Yellow Peril characters.

• Speaking of race in popular entertainment, I watched some thing on PBS last night with George Takei and Nichelle Nichols discussing Star Trek and how it was such major social commentary to have a diverse cast of characters in charge of the Enterprise. This made me reflect on watching the show as a kid. Something that was such a major issue when the show was produced in the sixties meant nothing to me in the late seventies or early eighties, whenever I began watching it. The diversity of the crew didn't have any kind of impact on me at all. That's encouraging, right? I know I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area which is probably the bubbliest bubble of all the bubbles (according to people who think embracing diversity and difference in others is somehow abnormal) so that's probably part of it. After school on KTVU, there were shorts produced by the television station between shows that showed non-white children living in the city that would end with the kid saying, "I'm proud to be a Chinese American!" Or "I'm proud to be a Black American!" Representation and diversity isn't just important for children who identify with the diverse characters in popular entertainment. It's also important for the white children to see that we're all a part of everything. We're all piloting the Enterprise to the future. Although what was meant to be a five year mission has gone ten times as long. Get it together, you non-bubbled bubbleheads.

The Ranking!
+2! It gets +1 for just being an overall well written book with great characters. It gets another +1 for the insight into Superman. Still my favorite comic book, beeyatches!

New Super-man #7

The new guy is Mister I-Ching. He was Philip K. Dick's favorite.

I'm planning on doing a quick review after reading this issue instead of the usual rambling as-I-read commentary but sometimes I can't keep myself from hitting the keyboard. I just wanted to show this portrayal of Lex Luthor and add a comment.

Way too many writers would have went the obvious and easy route of Lex being able to speak Mandarin fluently. Because he's such a fucking genius. But this is way more believable and entertaining. Sure, he's smart enough to know he needs to know Mandarin for business purposes. But that doesn't mean he's going to be capable of fluency. Genius has limits and I love seeing geniuses treated as such.

Oh, and then this exchange in English between Superm-man and Lex is also charming and on point.

I respond the same way when people ask if I speak English.

I scanned that before I even read the next panel which begins with a Narration Box saying, "No idea what that guy just said." I don't think that bit was necessary but I'm sure some people might have missed that Kenan really couldn't speak English without the added clarification.

Although I wouldn't mind a little more clarification on this next bit!

Stuck in a rock?! I can't wait for Wonder-Woman's origin!

Bat-man and Wonder-Woman visit The Bat Academy to pick up Bat-man's little sister, Jiali (or soon to be the Robin of China. Or Ro-bin, I guess?). While there, they discover the place is being hit by a graffiti artist and I learn some new Chinese Internet slang!

I love this because it's a lot like my website name, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. "Grass Mud Horse" is spelled similar to the Mandarin phrase "fuck your mother" (although they have different tones and use different symbols). And, according to the Wikipedia page, the place the Grass Mud Horse is from is similar in spelling to "your mother's fucking cunt." The really interesting part is why the Grass Mud Horse exists but since it isn't an immature use of words to make naughty words, it has no relevance to my blog. I mean, it's about censorship so maybe it has relevance to my blog?

Aside from this issue featuring Kenan doing Tai Chi, it also has a Battle for the Cowl! From what I've heard about the original Battle for the Cowl, I hope this one is more entertaining. It's between Bat-man of China, Baixi, and Wanna-Be-Bat-Man of China, Feng Douchenozzle. The battle is going poorly for Baixi because some goofy asshole is hacking into the hard-light constructs making up the arena. But Wonder-Woman goes down to deal with him.

Meanwhile, Kenan is getting his ass beat by I-Ching. It's a lesson in humility to prove to Kenan that he needs to train the Mister Miyagi way. That way is through hours and hours of frustration and hard work without ever being told why you're doing the hard work or putting up with the old man forcing you to do his chores. It's pretty effective.

What Did We Learn?
We probably learned something about pride or arrogance, I guess. It's hard to realize what a story teaches when you already know the lesson the story is trying to teach. And since I know everything there is to know, this story is pretty meaningless to me.

The Ranking!
No change! Still DC's best superhero comic though!

New Super-man #6

This kind of collateral damage is why people hate the Justice League. She owes Kenan a new bubble tea.

New Super-man is aptly named. He is the update Superman needed. People may have been able to relate to Superman in the forties and fifties but even by the sixties, he was already outdated in his social mores and attitudes. It's why people call him a Boy Scout and why DC Comics is constantly trying to fix him by making him punch things harder. It's not that Superman is too soft or that he doesn't grimly punish those who deserved to be punished, like people in Gotham so desperately poor and in such hopeless circumstances that they think a job as The Joker's henchman is a solid life choice. It's that he's stiff! He's a dud! He's got a super stick up his super butt. People can't relate to him because nobody acts that noble¹. But Kenan Kong? Holy shit, yeah. This is a great start on a modern Superman. A New Super-man. This guy has flaws up the yin-yang²! Kenan is an Everyman with a decent heart and that makes for a thoroughly enjoyable read. He's what the kids today would label "gross" or "problematic" and then destroy him even though he's one of the good guys.

This issue begins with The Great Ten telling the CEO of the airline hijacked by The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom that they're going to destroy the plane containing the Starros which also, incidentally, contains his son. He's all, "Oh, sure! National security and all that. Patriotism. Sacrifices must be made for the greater good." August General In Iron and the other nine great Chinese heroes whose names nobody can remember fly off to murder a bunch of civilians. I suppose one of them could save Lixin while the others destroyed the people with stars on their faces. But there are only ten of them. One probably can't be spared for that. Also, it's probably too fiddly a job to remove the Starros from the faces of the innocent victims. Time is probably of the essence or some other cliché. Better to just blow up the plane, I suppose.

Kenan figures out how to control his super-qi so that his powers come back. He's going to need his freeze breath to snap the Starros from the hostages' faces. Hopefully he'll get help from Lixin and Lixin will say, "Always bet on fat," and then become Kenan's sidekick.

Speaking of Passenger 57 (sort of), I really need to rewatch that movie. I've claimed for most of my life that it's the worst movie I've ever seen and I don't think I continue saying that if I can't completely remember all of the reasons why it's so bad. I remember one my main problems with it (and this is a real narrative problem and not a problem with how the plane takes off and then lands at a fair so they can fight on a Ferris wheel and then the plane takes off again (which I think is something that happened but, as I said, it's been decades since I've seen the movie) was how Blade quit the police force because he tried to fight back against criminals and his wife was killed as a result. So he decides he'll never do that shit again. But then he's on this plane that gets taken hostage and what is the first thing he does? He interferes! And what happens? Somebody immediately dies! How does that not fucking ruin him right there? Oh yeah! Because the new person to die wasn't his wife, I guess.

I don't have anything snarky to say, I just love this panel. I love Viktor's art.

It's not that I'm not eloquent enough to describe why I love this comic book so much³, it's just that I'm too lazy to figure it all out. I know it has something to do with how Kenan's character is being fleshed out and how his Daddy Issues aren't just the thing that drives him but they have affected who he's become and how he approaches life. I like that the bad guys have a reason for existing and that they're not totally bad guys. And how the good guys have a reason for existing and they're not totally good guys. I like how Kenan and Baixi and Deilan are caught up in a vague political struggle which they've never really considered; they're just young and excited about being superheroes. I like how this is a real world with real characters. I love the fucking art. And Gene Luen Yang is writing an entertaining, humorous, joyful story. I wish that this would be the example for future generations of comic book writers. This should be the standard.

Kenan slaps some Starros on the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom members, thinking he's solved the problem. But instead, he's just made them even more loyal to Uncle Human Firecracker. Flying Dragon Father chases Uncle Human Firecracker to the cockpit while Kenan tries to get his freeze breath to work. He can't quite get it and just blows in Wonder-Woman's face, so she flings him against the wall where he discovers his future sidekick hiding.

What a great team!

Super-man manages to freeze the Starro off of Bat-man's face because Bat-man is easier to manhandle than Wonder-Woman. It's probably a good thing because Bat-man comes up with a plan to drop the temperature in the cabin to freezing which kills all of the Starros. Of course, that means the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom Members are once again free to act like assholes. Except that's when The Great Ten arrive and the Book Club decides working with the Justice League of China to stop The Great Ten from killing everybody is probably the more responsible revolutionary choice.

While the fight rages outside, Super-man and Flying Dragon Father confront Uncle Human Firecracker. The fight ends about how you'd expect a comic book fight in which the superhero's father is a participant. Flying Dragon Father is gravely injured when he shields Kenan (who has, once again, lost his powers due to being overly emotional) from Uncle Human Firecracker's final fireworks display⁴. Now that the day is basically saved, Kenan turns his attention to flying the airplane to a hospital.

You can't really go wrong with an origin story that takes bits and pieces from Superman's, Batman's, and Spider-man's origins.

Super-man decides he's going to find who at the Ministry of Self-Reliance ordered the death of his mother, Leather Liberty Goddess, and make them pay. Bat-man and Wonder-Woman agree to help him. They've seen enough bullshit at the Ministry that they're ready to continue with the project but carefully and full of suspicion.

The epilogue reveals that Dr. Omen has the body of Flying Dragon Father in a Bacta tank because he's only dead and not dead dead. Plus she calls him "My love" so it's not looking good for her as not the prime suspect in Kenan's mother's death. Kenan's dad might also have some 'splaining to do.

What Did We Learn?
It's easy to care about people we know and love. It's heroic to care what happens to everybody.

The Ranking!
+1! So good!

__________________________________
¹I don't mean to suggest that a character like Superman isn't necessary. The DC Universe needs somebody filling that noble role. But too often, he's brought down from that place to try to make him more popular and I think that's the wrong move. Superman should be above pettiness and politics. He should be as close to non-violent as possible. Go ahead and make him so strong that the Fangenders lose their mind over how boring he is because nothing can defeat him. Those aren't the stories Superman should be involved in! Sure, he can stop some monster threatening the universe easily but that shouldn't be the main thrust of the story because, yes, that would be a boring story. Make the main thrust of the story how Superman needs to defeat this creature while also making it to Lois's parents' house for dinner on time because he's trying to make a good impression and they already think he's not good enough for Lois. See how that story works? Two people think he's not good enough for their daughter even though he's saving everything. But he can't tell them that so he has to prove himself as Clark in Clark ways without Superman fucking it all up for him.

²Holy shit! Where in my dark mental recesses did that phrase come from? I almost changed it to "out the wazoo" after my brain suggested "up the yin-yang" because I didn't want to expose the racial insensitivity of my subconscious. But how relevant is this blog, really, if I begin censoring my id? Not that I could since it murdered my superego long ago.

³I'm pretty fucking eloquent, bitches.

⁴Meaning he blew himself up.

New Super-man #5

MAGA!

Whenever I see those stupid red "Make America Great Again" hats, Starro is all I think of. I suppose Starro's overwhelming power kept it from needing to evolve into a mind-controlling creature who hides the fact that the people are mind-controlled. But it's good for everybody else because the enemy proclaims its identity loud and clear. Why hasn't somebody shown Starro Invasion of the Body Snatchers? I suppose it would be rude to show Starro there's a better way when there's really nothing it can do about it. Unless maybe Starro could tell its spores to hide up the asses of its victims instead of clinging to their faces. Sort of the same thing Trump Supporters should do with those hats.

You've probably never wondered why conservative voters are constantly telling entertainers to shut up about their politics because it just seems like the kind of thing conservative voters love to shout at anybody anyway. But I sympathize with them. Creative people are more entertaining. And people in the arts are generally more intelligent and empathetic. The Venn Diagram collision of intelligence and empathy can nearly guarantee the person will be a Libtard. I mean liberal. Conservative voters still want to be entertained. Nobody wants to sit around bored and angry all the time! They need some hearty American Yucks and Patriotic Tears! So they want to be ignorant of the political positions of the people whose performances they enjoy. They don't want to have to log in to Twitter to tell them all to shut up and just tell jokes, or shut up and just act, or shut up about politics, you stupid entertainer (not you, of course, Mr. Trump!). But every time one of these Hollywood types open their big fat mouths, sense and sympathy fall out! It's fucking enraging!

There are people who have stopped reading this Blog because of my opinions, all across the spectrum. Because some people can't abide anybody having one strong opinion that differs from their own, especially when it's presented as the only right and logical opinion and you must be a completely fucking stupid bastard to not see that. Which, of course, is my modus operandi. But I've said this almost from the beginning: this Blog isn't about comic books, and it's not for you. Enjoy or go fuck yourself. What do I care?

To be perfectly transparent, I sometimes choose the go fuck yourself route myself. Who doesn't love a good self-fuck every now and then? Monsters, probably!

This issue begins in The Bund in Shanghai, China. Oh! I have a cute picture from when I was there!

Don't worry! Global warming from air pollution isn't a problem! Everything will be okay when seeing a blue sky is a rare occurrence. This was the sky every day in Eastern China and Hong Kong. And this was from 1997.

The comic book shows The Bund at night where you can see stars. When they erupt out of their submarine to discuss books with the people, The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom even comment on how "mesmerizing" the stars are. Ha! As if.

The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom have stolen Starro from the Ministry of Self-Reliance (I know, I know. So ironic that they'd have Starro!) and they're planning on using it against the communist regime who won't let them read The Cave of Time in its original English. All they get is the Chinese Translation with the Government Approved Endings!

Kenan has just walked in on his father wearing his Flying Dragon Father costume and now he has questions up the proverbial wazoo. Is the wazoo actually proverbial? Do things have to have been mentioned in The Book of Proverbs to be proverbial? What is a proverb anyway? Like a combination verb and pronoun?

Flying Dragon Father tells his origin story to his son because he wants Kenan to fight for the correct side. The correct side is obviously the one against China's governmental interests. Those fucking Communists are evil. Not because they're Communists, of course. Capitalists are fucking evil too! The common factor there is the part where the people who come to power by whatever means one comes to power in whatever economic or political system exists in the country they were raised tend to be ambitious, selfish, greedy assholes. The kind of people who would rule well don't crave the kinds of power, status, and money that comes with ruling. So they never wind up in power. Go figure, right?!

Flying Dragon Father met Kenan's mother in the early college incarnation of The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom. They have their Harry Met Sally relationship that eventually leads to Kenan.

I wish she'd become the Leather Liberty Goddess.

Flying Dragon Father reveals the big shock twist: the Ministry of Self-Reliance killed Kenan's mother! Okay, so it wasn't as shocking as you might have thought by my calling it a big shock twist and using an exclamation point. But if you're familiar with my blog then you know exclamation points mean nothing! It's like I'm a rich kid just burning money if money were exclamation points and they made people wealthy.

Now Kenan has a decision to make. Does he continue to fight for the Ministry of Self-Reliance or become a mole for the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom? Or does he go his own way and forge his own path which will probably lead to Laney Lan's bedroom and some kinky ass roleplay.

Kenan chooses to go off with his father to help the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom. Bat-man and Wonder-Woman also head to The Bund to try to stop the Book Club. Also joining the fray? The Great Ten! You might remember one of them, August General in Iron. If you remember any of the other nine, you get a cookie. But not my cookie.

Even Book Clubs of Ultimate Freedom have to deal with power-mad narcissists who insist on ruining everything by thinking the end justifies the means.

Uncle Human Firecracker actually says, "Whatever it takes for the greater good." See? Total dickmonster. Mmm, dickmonster.

Both Kenan and Flying Dragon Father aren't too happy about Uncle Human Firecracker's methods and decide it might be time to stop him. Isn't this always the way with book clubs? They always fall apart due to infighting.

I just realized why I like Kenan so much. He's a total Huck Finn.

I like to assume that I can say something like "he's a total Huck Finn" and people will completely understand what I mean. While I believe the literary canon really needs to be expanded to include more voices of non-white males, I still think it's usefulness in writing shorthand to others is beyond compare. The literary canon should never shrink, it should just grow bigger and bigger. Sure it's more work for those who want to understand everything anybody ever writes. But fuck is it useful. I'm not religious but you'd better believe I've read The Bible because without that foundation, you're not fully accessing a majority of Western Literature. If the Ultimate Literary Canon of Freedom is expanded enough, people will be expected to also know The Koran and the Bhagavad Gita and, um, the other ones that are probably important to people who didn't grow up with a white, Western education.

Uncle Human Firecracker somehow does something to remove Kenan's powers. He probably had some of those miniature red suns in his glove. Kenan almost drowns but Flying Dragon Father rescues him and takes him to the Ministry of Self-Reliance to be healed. So people's loyalties are becoming a bit fuzzy due to other loyalties.

Meanwhile, Uncle Human Firecracker shoves a bunch of Starro-captured motherfuckers onto a plane. He's going to fly it into Beijing and the seat of Communist power so that he can mind-control them all into becoming a democracy. Sounds about right. But! On the plane is Lixin, the fat kid whose lunch money Kenan used to steal! He's not supposed to be there but his parents own the airline and he's trying to make a Youtube video or something in the cockpit. I guess he's going to have to be the hero on the hijacked plane! Always bet on fat!

Super-man doesn't get his powers back even with a blast of yellow sun radiation. It looks like he lost his powers when he felt his dad was disappointed in him. So his powers fluctuate based on his esteem? That's actually a good thing for Kenan! Mostly, he's as cocky and arrogant as I am.

Heh heh. Compliance devices.

Super-man and Flying Dragon Father rush off to stop the plane. I guess Kenan's powers will come back now that he knows his father is proud of him. I hope Lixin becomes his pal! Does Lixin mean "Jimmy Olsen" in Chinese?

What Did We Learn?
Being confident is where real power comes from! You know that's true because it's what all the Men's Rights Advocates say! I think they're basic rule is to be confident even when you know you're a disgusting piece of shit that no woman in their right mind would ever touch. The worst part about this advice is that it's right. Being confident is attractive! The problem is faking confidence simply to get laid. If you need to get laid and you want confidence, pay a sex worker (preferably in someplace where it's legal because it should all be legal and by participating in places where it isn't legal, you're just encouraging illegal sex work which endangers women). They'll tell you how big your cock is and how good you are at the penetrations! Even if you blow your load too early, they won't act disappointed and upset and become bitter and resentful that you're not seeing to their needs. Although thinking you're good at sex when you're not might be harmful to your relationships in the long run. But at least getting laid might keep you from going on the Internet and getting involved with these MRA jerks.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book is the best! Or close to the best! Don't challenge me! What I say here doesn't have to match up with what's over there on the sidebar in the Rankings. Especially if you're reading this on Blogger since I never fucking update the list on that site.