All Star Batman #10

The new Robin is a bit rough around the everything.

• What do you have to do to get a Batman story that stops jerking itself off over how great Batman is and begin dealing with his adult healing from a childhood trauma? The guy is fucked up! The Who's Who entries in the DC Universe should include the stat: "Bat-enabler?" Somebody should get him some non-Harleen Quinzel therapy.

• I just sang the Narration Boxes as an operatic dirge to my cat Pelafina. She's purring so I think that's a good review.

• Alfred Pennyworth is narrating this story. He assures us that this Batman story is unlike all of the other Batman stories. Oh good! Just like I wanted in that first bullet point! I can't wait! Although, I mean, Scott Snyder began last issue saying that he wasn't writing a Batman story. And then the big twist at the end was that it was a Batman story. So I'm not holding my breath about this story being any different from all the others.

• This story takes place in London's past which totally doesn't explain the cover at all.

• Scott Snyder has done something few writers ever do! Usually when I like a writer, I like just about everything they do until the day they die tragically. But Scott Snyder has gone from writer I thought was terrific to shitty hack with pretentious underpinnings. Here's how he begins this story: "[This story is] different from the rest. Of course, it starts the way the others do. The angry young man, far from Wayne Manor. Lost. And like the others, it's a mystery — a detective story about the distance between the boy he was then and the man he is today." Well, thanks, Scott! I'm glad you informed me early that this story isn't like all the other stupid comic books because this one is smart and has a theme and shit! And knowing comic book readers are stupid fucks who are only hoping to see Batman punch somebody in the face, it's a good thing you're letting us know up front that this story is better than that! I'm sure I would have completely missed all of the smarty pants stuff you were up to if you didn't clue me in. Although, I'm suspicious now. You got me trying to think about why the last story wasn't a Batman story only to end with "Surprise! It's a Batman story!" So why should I think you've put any more work into making this story different? I think maybe you just tell people at the beginning how smart and different your stories are so that you don't actually have to make them smart and different!

• This story also takes place in Miami's present which probably explains the cover completely.

• Something called the Genesis Engine is being auctioned off on the black market. Batman probably wants to get it for himself so he can make billions of dollars with it.

• A bunch of shit goes wrong when Bruce meets with the dealer. Bruce finds the dealer dead in a manner that reminds Alfred of his youth when he used to graffiti a symbol all over London. That's when Alfred explains to the reader that this mystery isn't about Bruce at all. It's about Alfred.

• In other words, last story actually was a Batman story. But this story actually isn't a Batman story. So it really is different than other Batman stories being that it isn't a Batman story at all. But Scott Snyder couldn't have begun two issues in a row saying "This is not a Batman story," right?

• This story didn't have any alligators or crocodiles in it. I guess Alfred and Batman killing animals in a swamp will happen next issue.

• This story was much better than the last nine issues of this comic book. Except maybe for the part where they explain the name of the place where the guy selling the Genesis Engine lives. That's pure Snyder! He over-complicates things to give a vaguely Umberto Eco-ish atmosphere. So the place is Latin for a right because the thief was crucified to the right of Jesus and the guy who runs auctions out of the place is a thief who is descended from pirates and only works with other people descended from pirates. For being a whole pirate theme, it's weird that Snyder decides to start with the Latin and the Jesus and the thief stuff. I mean, the only way they really tie in is that pirates steal things. Oh but the atmosphere it creates! So mysteriously esoteric!

All Star Batman #9

I hope this literally happens in the comic book.

The Review!
Why does this comic book cost $4.99? Is it because the cover is stiffer than other covers? I bet I could make a really immature joke about that if I were more immature! But I've grown as a writer. Otherwise I would have pointed out that, on the cover, Ra's is about to use the Washington Monument as a Bat-Butt-Plug.

The issue begins by hoping the reader hasn't ever heard of that René Margaret's painting of a pipe that isn't a pipe. Or maybe it's hoping that you've heard of it so that when you read "This is not a Batman story," you instantly think, "Hey! That's totally artsy fartsy! Like that art movement where Marcel Dumbchump admired urinals and people smoked pipes that weren't pipes!" Maybe this is the first DC Comic book to have Dada Issues?

Before any Actually Nerds actually me, I know Morrison's run of Doom Patrol dealt with Dada Issues.

Since this isn't a Batman story, I now have to use my brain to figure out what the story is actually about! Dammit! I hate using my brain.

That tower isn't a tower.

Whoever is behind the end of the world (according to the cover, Ra's, I guess?), tells Batman that the three previous issues were just informative displays to teach Batman about the three most likely ways the world will end. The first two choices make sense: cataclysm and plague. But the third way he says the world will end is solipsism. That only makes sense if you're a pretentious asshole who is claiming that it makes sense. Does the world end when one believes that they can't truly know it because it resides outside of themselves? Maybe but not in the same way the world ends with a cataclysm or a plague. I don't think you can say the world ends with a philosophical argument. I mean, sure, anytime somebody starts speaking philosophically to me, I want the world to end! But it doesn't. The person just goes on and on and on, philosophically masturbating into my ears. Sometimes I shit myself just so I have an excuse to leave the room.

Ra's tells Batman that he used to think the Washington Monutower was a sword. But now he thinks it looks like a penis. He says "pen" but I know that's just because he didn't get to finish his thought. Obviously he's thinking it's a penis and he's going to use it to fuck Batman. Remember, this isn't a Batman story! That must mean it's slash fanfic.

Bruce and Ra's wind up battling inside the Washington Penis for the fate of the world. I know this isn't really slash fanfic so my mind is still trying to figure out what kind of story this is if it's not a Batman story. Could it be a Superman story? What other kinds of stories does DC Comics tell?

Ra's winds up shooting Batman in the face and shooting Duke in the back of the head and ending the world with his techno-demons. That's why it's not a Batman story! Because it's a Ra's story! It's the story where he wins! Except he can't win, right? I didn't see "Elseworlds" on the cover. So I guess Ra's is probably living some kind of delusional life the way Batman lived one in the last issue.

See? It actually was a Batman story! Just like the pipe is actually a pipe even though it isn't a pipe also at the same time!

Batman is all, "This is a Batman story after all!" Oh man! And I thought I was going to have to use my brain to figure out what kind of story it really was. What a great big trick Scott Snyder just pulled on all of us! He totally wanted us to believe it wasn't a Batman story so we'd be surprised when the Batman book we purchased actually turned out to be a Batman story! Unless...whoa. What if he was telling the truth from the beginning? What if this really never was a Batman story?! That means I need to figure out what the fuck I just read.

Ra's flies away on a Man-bat while Bruce falls out of the Washington Manupenis. But he's caught by an actual Blackhawk! So now he knows the Blackhawks really do exist even if they're supposed to be a super secret undercover black ops team! I guess they don't mind if Bruce knows they exist. He might figure out a way to send them a check.

After the story ends with a shocking twist horror movie ending that probably won't actually pan out in any way or mean anything more than a phone battery dying, the Cursed Wheel backup story is finally going to end. It's supposed to be telling me why I should like Duke Dukington. It hasn't been working so far.

And it still doesn't work. The Riddler puzzle doesn't make any sense. I don't remember why Zsasz was part of this. I don't care about Duke's parents and I don't know why this Daryl guy (his cousin? Bloom? I don't remember!) is harping on him to admit that Duke's got super powers. Apparently Duke does have super powers. He can see people as spaghetti beings. Then Batman solves the riddle that was supposed to be solved or something and something and I don't know what's going on. I'm guessing this story makes sense if it's all read at one time instead of a full month between reading each part. Also, this isn't the end like it says it's the end. The stupid story continues in some shit called Dark Days: The Forge.

The Ranking!
No change. Scott Snyder really doesn't write as well as I thought he wrote five years ago.

All Star Batman #8

That fraction really should be reduced to 5/3, right?

The Review!
There are stories that are told over and over again. Perhaps it's because the writer is lazy, or because the story holds too much truth to be heard just once, or because people realize that the audience constantly changes so that what is old to some is new to others. Time travel movies where something terrible is happening and the protagonist believes going back in time can stop it from happening only to find that by going back in time, they've caused the problem. Zombie movies where everybody eventually dies at the end because the zombies are an analogy of the inevitability of death. Movies where the protagonist is convinced they've gone insane and that the world they inhabit is all one big lie created by their delusional mind desperate to believe they have some kind of control over the world.

This comic book is that last one. I wish I were one of the new generations of audience who hadn't heard this story multiple times previously so that I could think, "Boy am I glad I spent five dollars on this story!"

Anyway, The Blackhawks are back, so that's cool, right? For some reason, they want to kill Batman. That reason will probably be revealed next issue.

That back-up story that's trying to convince everybody why we should like Duke keeps not convincing me.

The Ranking!
-2! I'm not sure if I can justify paying the exorbitant cover price to keep reading this comic book that keeps disappointing me.

All Star Batman #7

This series makes me question past me's love of Snyder's New 52 Batman.

• I spent last issue staring at a bartender I had a crush on while Scott Snyder yammered on in my ear about bats and viruses and melting ice and Robert Frost. I hope he didn't realize I wasn't listening. I'm pretty sure I said all the right things at all the right places like "Yeah, yeah. Great poet to choose for a Mr. Freeze story. Frost. Genius!" and "Yeah, yeah. That makes sense since there were like three dozen X-Files episodes about that" and "When are you going to have another idea even half as good as the Court of Owls?" and "Scott? SCOTT! Where are you going?! Don't be mad, bro!"

• What do you think Cullen Bunn is up to right now? I bet he's scuffling around his kitchen in ratty old dandelion yellow slippers wearing an untied robe without anything on underneath. He's probably listening to a Podcast about frogs while pouring himself a bowl of Grapenuts cereal. He carefully measures out four tablespoons of milk to pour on top which is an absurdly small amount for such a tough, dry cereal. Then after sucking the last drops of the milk off the spoon, he glances down at his flaccid wiener and chuckles softly as an idea comes into his head. He takes the spoon out of his mouth and then tries to hang it off the tip of his penis the way people hang spoons on their noses. It stays for a couple of seconds and then clatters to the ground, filling the empty space of the house with the sound of metal on cracked and broken linoleum. From the bedroom, his wife groggily mumbles, "Cull, honey, stop hanging spoons off your dick." Cullen picks up the spoon, wipes it off on his robe, and puts it back in the drawer, picking out a clean one to use for his breakfast. He then walks into the other room to learn about frogs, although how much will he really learn with the podcast playing so low and eating such a crunchy cereal. He'll definitely have to replay it later in the day.

• Instead of beginning with another poem, this issue begins with a terribly written speech by Pamela Isley.

Poison Ivy has the worst romantic anecdotes. "One time I was with my lover and I was all, 'Let's count backwards together!' We both came so hard."

• That speech that makes no sense was written to justify the way this story is being told. It's counting backwards to the beginning! All those other boring writers write stories that go from past to future. But not Scott Snyder! He's an innovative rebel smashing all the rules of linear time!

• 13: Poison Ivy tells some redneck wasteland trader that a word he uses which he never would have used in his life if this weren't a Scott Snyder story ("stigmatize") is "from stigma, a botanical term." I thought it was from "stigma, a Greek word." But who am I to think things? This is a Scott Snyder story! He thinks up the thing he wants to say and then writes the story around that. So he wanted to make a point about stigma because it's a word which was taken from the Greek and used in botany and Snyder thought up a way to make it thematically relevant. Which is why the guy who would never in his life use the word "stigmatize" uses that word.

• 12: Poison Ivy is hanging out in Death Valley because it has the word death in it and the world is dying because of Mr. Freeze's ice bat virus. Also it has the word valley in it which reminds me how much I hate Jean-Paul Valley. She's probably working on a cure for that ice bat virus that ended this imaginary Batman world. Unless this is the real DC Universe. I think after the first story arc of this comic book, editors at DC held a conference and decided to just give Scott Snyder his own little pocket DC Universe to play in so that he doesn't ruin the regular one with his nonsensical stories where Two-Face somehow knows the secrets of everybody in Gotham and everybody in Gotham has such terrible secrets that they decide to hunt down and kill Batman to stop those secrets from being exposed. Also he offered a lot of money to kill Batman, so that probably helped.

• 11: Batman stops by to ask for Poison Ivy's help. Maybe she's working on a cure for something else, possibly the Y chromosome. Maybe the world hasn't ended at all yet and Batman needs a cure before it does. It's hard to tell because that Mr. Freeze story was fucking weird. Batman's appearance is so hot that Snyder counts down extra fast for a bit.

• 10. 9. 8: Batman explains how this story relates to the last story which also relates to the Two-Face story. Well, I'm thankful some editor forced Snyder to put that in because I was pretty confused. Especially since this whole counting backwards thing isn't really changing the linearity of this story. It's just showing the story of the little girl who first caught Mr. Freeze's disease (which Batman will explain in the following scan) from her body being burned backwards to her contracting the disease.

Lilly is into plants just like Poison Ivy. And probably frogs like Cullen Bunn.

• 7. 6: Poison Ivy tells a story about some trees of life which she heard from the mysterious "them." They said some stuff and since they said it, it's totally believable and probably true. I mean, it's definitely true because Poison Ivy has based most of her career around discovering the trees and their secrets. Now some bad men want her scary secrets and Batman wants her curative secrets. But first they have to fight the bad men because there's been way too much science talk and comic book fans are getting bored.

• 5. 4: Batman defends Poison Ivy not because she controls him but because he wants to help her and save a bunch of people. He didn't get controlled by her because he was wearing wax lips. How the hell did Poison Ivy not know she was kissing wax lips?! If the Non-Certified Spouse has even a hint of any kind of lip balm or lipstick on, I can tell. Scott Snyder was probably counting on comic book readers to not know anything about kissing.

• 3. 2. 1: Poison Ivy gives Batman the cure and he saves the world. Or maybe he doesn't save the world yet. Maybe he needs the Mad Hatter's help for the next part. Whatever happens, Batman will still have to figure out why people are still trying to kill him.

• 0: Apparently "The Cursed Wheel" backup story is still happening. The Riddler is wooing Duke by counting backwards while Duke tries to solve a riddle. But it's actually just Duke messing around in the Bat-Danger Room.

• -1: Since this story is about Duke and nobody has yet given me a reason to give a fuck about Duke, I don't give a fuck about this story. It's like math!

The Ranking!
-2! Ha ha! See what I did there?!

All Star Batman #6

Which came first: a story with Batman needing an arctic suit or a toy distributor thinking up a new way to sell another Batman figure?

Batman takes a trip to the Arctic to visit Mr. Freeze. The tale is like an old fashioned science fiction story. It's all about an idea untethered from characters and emotions. I suppose the reader is supposed to connect emotionally because it begins with a Frost poem and Nora Fries is mentioned a few times. You can't not feel emotional when you remember "Heart of Ice," right? It's like a free emotional trigger when writing a Mr. Freeze comic book now. But I didn't feel it was much about Batman or Mr. Freeze. It was more about Scott Snyder having read some facts about bats and why they're good at carrying viruses, and he saw a few X-Files episodes about viruses unlocked in melting ice that could become an extinction level event. It was like being at the pub when a friend sits down with a pint of lager and begins the conversation with, "You know what I read about the other day?" Then he proceeds to completely bore you while you stare dreamily at the bartender you've had a crush on ever since you first started going to that pub. How is this All Star Batman? It's more like All Boring Shit Batman.

The back-up story features Batman getting a crossword clue wrong which blows up an innocent person. Still doesn't count as Batman killing somebody!

What Did We Learn?
I don't know what you may have learned but I learned that Victor Fries has terrible taste in Frost's poetry. He had so many better poems to choose from! Like that one about the celebration of a wall or the one where the guy is trying to beat the snow on his way home or the one about the guy lost in the woods or the one about the kids knocking down all the trees. But that fire and ice poem? So boring! At least he didn't choose "Design"!

I just pulled out an examination book from college from the big box of old shit I'll probably never look at again (unless I need something to talk about on my comic book blog) because I thought I had written an essay on "Fire and Ice". But I hadn't. The essay was a comparison of "Design" by Robert Frost and "Hap" by Thomas Hardy. It was in in-class test and here's what my professor wrote: "Bravo! This is the most memorable, the most intelligent discussion I've seen from a student on this challenging topic. Excellent insight and analysis!" Heh, heh. He wrote "anal".

The Ranking!
No change! But my ranking on that test was 33 out of 33. I should have better self-esteem now that I've remembered a professor once wrote "Bravo!" on one of my tests. I could use more "Bravo!"s in my life.

All Star Batman #5

I'm sure punching somebody six feet into the air isn't as deadly as it sounds.

Batman's road-trip finally comes to an end.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman learned that nothing fucking matters because no matter how hard you work or how much effort you put into a five issue story arc, things just return to exactly where they were at the beginning of the five issue story arc. Bruce Wayne's secret life as Batman isn't exposed even though it looked like it was about to be discovered by the Gotham Police. Batman's search to cure Harvey Dent just wound up in Batman telling Harvey Dent that he can't cure him because it's not up to him to fight Harvey's battles for him. The people of Gotham go from not wanting to kill Batman at the start to wanting to kill Batman to save their secrets and right back to not wanting to kill Batman once Two-Face isn't cured. Although if I were Batman, I'd investigate every single one of these people attempting murder to keep their secrets. Those must be some dark, demented secrets! Also, Alfred confesses to Batman that he once put out a hit on The Joker but reconsidered a few hours later. That doesn't seem like much of a confession since Batman already knows Alfred would blow the fucking Joker's head off with a shotgun if he ever got the chance. Alfred also calls himself a hypocrite because he advised Batman as a boy not to kill Joe Chill (or Harvey's dad?). But that's not hypocrisy at all. That's just a father trying to keep his son safe and innocent. It also shows quite a bit of foresight because how could Batman go around feeling superior to all of the other Justice League members because he doesn't kill? Not that they kill either but Batman is like an alcoholic who doesn't drink telling teetotalers how it's much harder for him not to drink and thus means a lot more.

The Ranking!
No change. Fucking comic books! Shouldn't a book with "all star" in the title create some kind of actual change in the Batman's world, or at least have a little more meaning than "We all have to fight to not be bad guys and shit, dude!"? Scott Snyder has a way of writing a big story that never really has any impact on Batman when it's done. Which, really, means he's doing comic books perfectly. They're really stories about characters in amber. They're not meant to learn anything; they're meant to teach. They're morality tales told to people who probably don't give a shit as long as the art is cool and there's loads of violence. So I probably should have kept the "What Did Batman Learn?" section as "What Did We Learn?" because Batman never fucking learns a thing! If he did, he'd retire with Selina to a private island and let all of the super genius Bat-kids without death wishes and obsessive personalities keep Gotham safe.

All Star Batman #4

How often do we get to see the Bat-Chainsaw?

Batman and Harvey Dent continue their wacky road trip. Along for the ride during this section are Duke Thomas and a bunch of Talons. The Talons aren't as hard to defeat this time as they were during that Night of Them. Mostly because they need to be gone by the end of the issue. That's because it's time for The (KG)Beast to return! He manages to capture Batman and Harvey and Duke so he can turn them over to the guys more desperate than anybody to stop Batman and Harvey: The Penguin, The Black Mask, and that other guy with the white face. Oh, Great White! The transfer of prisoners doesn't go so well because it's interrupted by the next group of villains going after Batman to shut up Harvey Dent. I know you're thinking I'm going to give this great reveal as to who the villain is, like Hush or Wrath or King Tut, but I'm not. It's just a bunch of regular people with guns desperate not to let their secretest of secrets out into the world. I suppose if they're this desperate, we can assume they're all pedophiles.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman is learning that people are just as awful and desperate as they've always been. He's practically the only that has ever risen above his basest nature and become willing to sacrifice his happiness for the betterment of all mankind. Or all Gothamkind, really. He's learning that his faith in them was misguided. He's learning that we're all dicks, especially Superman who could have easily flown Batman and Two-Face to wherever Batman is taking Harvey. I suppose Batman was too stubborn to ask.

The Ranking!
No change. John Romita Jr.'s art is still terrible. It's weird how I accepted his art for what it was when he was working on Kick Ass and Hitgirl, even when he drew the worst monster trucks and automatic weapons. But now that he's drawing DC characters who I've been reading my entire life? I can't abide his style.

All-Star Batman #3

What was Duke's superhero name again? Meadowlark? It's not like anybody has ever mentioned it.

The Review!
Whatever Batman is trying to prove had better be more spectacular than learning the meaning of life. Because a lot of people are paying a pretty high price for Batman's stubbornness. Batman might feel good about himself because he doesn't kill but he should feel bad about himself because he never takes responsibility for the consequences of his actions. Batman could have chosen to let Harvey Dent go so that Harvey Dent wouldn't ruin everybody's lives. But instead of realizing his friend might not want help and that maybe it's time to just let his friend go, Batman chooses to accept the lives of everybody in Gotham being ruined as well as all the death and chaos that comes from every villain in the DCU chasing him down in exchange for his friend getting better. If I were Alfred, I would just hand Bruce a pistol and a copy of Of Mice and Men with a Post-It Note that reads, "Harvey Dent Problem Solving Kit".

This issue guest stars KGBeast, The Royal Flush Gang, Harold Allnut, and a band of ex-Arkham inmates called Batman's Asshole. Or Batman's Testicles. Or Batman's Fucked. Or Batman's Cunt. I think Batman's Asshole is my favorite choice for whatever Batman's @^$&@ actually stands for.

Batman manages to ease everybody a little further on down the road before trouble once again rears it's ugly two-faced head in the guise of, well, um, Two-face. I kind of blew that reveal, didn't I? Anyway, Two-Face gets the jump on Batman and Meadowlark (in his lemon outfit) and winds up pouring acid all over Batman's face. Well, over his cowl, anyway. Which means that Batman's cowl's lenses have been destroyed and Batman will be blind unless he wants to take off his cowl! Which he totally probably won't! Although I'll be severely disappointed if Batman can plan ahead so well that he keeps a Batarang strapped to his back whose sole purpose, it would seem, is to attach a tree trunk to Killer Croc's chest but he doesn't keep a regular, run-of-the-mill spandex cowl underneath his high tech cowl.

I'm fairly certain I'm going to be severely disappointed next month.

The Ranking!
No change! The story might be fun if you can get past how ridiculous the entire premise is and also that Batman would put this many people at risk for whatever he's trying to do. It might be less ridiculous if Batman could articulate why doing what he's doing is so important. Also, John Romita Jr's art is terrible. There's a back-up story that helps to justify the inflated cover price but I don't really find it's worth mentioning.

All-Star Batman #2

Oh my god this cover is so stupid!

The Commentary!
• DC Comics really knows how to squeeze every last dollar out of their Batman franchise. I don't blame them since they spend zero time trying to turn any of their other characters into the same kind of phenomenon. Instead of having meetings about how to improve the writing on Superman, they have meetings about how many Batman comic books they can sell each month and ways to make those comic books more expensive. The regular Batman title is a bit hampered by their dedication to biweekly (or bimonthly, depending on who is reading this and how annoyed they get at what they think is the improper usage of either of those terms when really we should just have an international meeting of English speaking countries to tie those fucking terms down to one meaning) comic books priced at $2.99. It's a smart move because that still means they make six dollars per Batman fan every month right there! But stop the presses! What if they could also sell a monthly Batman book for five more dollars each month?! Some people might think that price is a bit excessive but did those people note the extra heavy card stock being used for the covers?! It's also quite glossy! Too bad it's ruined by the John Romita Jr. cover art. But wait! The cover isn't the only bonus! You also get more madcap adventure with forty pages! Some of those pages are advertisements, of course. And the actual extra story pages are a back-up story that, even if it's well done, isn't really the story you want to be reading. But if that's not enough to justify the $4.99 then maybe don't buy the comic book because I can't think of any other reasons to make the price increase seem like a good deal. I definitely can't mention the art.

• Batman is currently on a road trip with Two-Face. They're headed to Two-Face's childhood home which is probably a duplex. But along the way, Batman must fight off a horde of villains set loose on him by Two-Face's proclamation that he'll present a large cash reward to whoever stops Batman. Also, if nobody stops Batman, Two-Face will reveal the dirtiest secrets of every single Gothamite. He knows all of the secrets because fuck you, that's how.

• This issue begins two days from the present. I guess Snyder hasn't given up on sticking twos in all of the time jumps. I would have thought he milked that for all it was worth in the first issue. Maybe he's concerned it was too (two!) subtle and not everybody noticed how smart he was being. Anyway, two days ago, Jim Bullock and Harvey Gordon were hanging out looking terrible.

I guess Two-Face isn't the only one who knows some secrets.

• I'm going to enjoy this comic book for what it is but I want to state, for the record, that the premise is fucking ridiculous. I understand Scott Snyder probably began the story by coming up with the question: What would any of us do to protect our most secret shame? Or, um, you know...something like that! He was probably sitting at a coffee shop taking upskirt photos and thinking, "What if Two-Face were omniscient and everybody in Gotham believed he was omniscient and then he threatened to expose their strange perversions or dark histories? I bet everybody would turn on the one guy who has nothing to hide: Batman!" Then he began writing a story which I already found entertaining in Issue #1 (except maybe the part where Alfred turned on Batman as well) even after I thoroughly pooh-poohed the premise.

• At the end of the last issue, Batman was driving off with Two-Face locked in the back of the truck Batman stole and Gentleman Ghost hanging on the back. That's why this issue begins with Batman being crushed to death by Killer Croc on the top of a train. So is this issue also going to tell the tale backwards? Is that the gimmick for the whole series? If so, it must mean something, right?! Is it because Batman is taking Two-Face back to face his past? And, in the same way, Two-Face is forcing every citizen of Gotham to face their past as they worry it'll be exposed?

• John Romita Jr. draws a terrible Killer Croc. His King Shark isn't too good either. King Shark is there to split the money with Killer Croc because they must not be confident that they can take Batman by themselves. Hell, they aren't even confident they can take Batman with each other because they've also brought along Amygdala. In introducing the three behemoths, the narration goes on quite a bit about each of their brains. I think that's to show they're not smart enough to realize, yet, that they're going to have to share Two-Face's reward. They'll probably start fighting over that so Batman can escape.

King Shark and Killer Croc have a nice laugh after Batman stabs Amygdala with his Bat-ear knives. Or maybe they just have gas.

• Batman uses some shark repellent to knock King Shark off of the train. Amygdala is also knocked off of the train because he served his purpose, mostly just to add to the huge list of villains Batman must face in All-Star Batman. Plus, you know, shark repellent! Hilarious reference to Campy Batman!

• Killer Croc is about to finish Batman off by hitting him with a large tree trunk. Luckily for Batman, he's got his Bat-Attach-A-Tree-Trunk-To-A-Massive-Person-Holding-It-Rang strapped to his back. He uses it on Waylon who now is too wide to fit in the tunnel the train is entering and is kept out of the tunnel and probably not crushed to death by a bigger train car coming up behind him. Because Batman couldn't have just killed three people in just a few pages after having not killed anybody ever (according to Batman himself, of course). I mean, King Shark and Amygdala obviously survived falling off of the train anyway so Killer Croc would only be Batman's first kill since he began his career.

• After the train exits the tunnel, Batman is shot by two poison darts: one from Cheshire and one from Copperhead. So I guess now he'll die of poison! No way Batman could have seen this coming! I mean, he did just use a Batarang with such a specific use that I'd be an idiot to think he doesn't have a way to survive being poisoned by two different poisons at once! But idiot or not, I'm predicting he's going to die in a few minutes! I just won't believe it if he survives this trap too!

• Dammit. Batman survives it! How does he do it?! Every time! No matter how improbable his odds of survival, he survives! I mean, except for the few times he doesn't! Although even when he dies, he doesn't die! He's incredible!

• Meanwhile in Gotham City, The Penguin, Great White, and Black Mask hire a Russian Super Hitman to take out Batman. Why is everybody so worried about their pasts being exposed? These guys are Gotham Mafia! Anything that comes out can only help their reputation. Unless they're trying to hide the charitable good deeds they've done in the past. Maybe they're ashamed of how much they loved their mothers?

• Twenty hours ago, Alfred and Duke Thomas were busy discussing what makes Two-Face Two-Face and why Two-Face can seem so different across all of his stories. Alfred doesn't say it's because it depends on who is writing him because Alfred is a fictional character in the story. But he does explain that Two-Face is a dick and Harvey Dent isn't. Plus they're trying to find a cure for Two-Face. I say a skin graft would go a long way to making him feel more confident.

• About five minutes...no, wait, make that two minutes after Batman and Two-Face survive being poisoned and falling off of a train trestle, Batman is shot in the head by some cops or prison guards or security personnel. I guess he'll get out of this one too! He's so resourceful!

• His resource this time is KGBeast! I mean, The Beast! That's the guy Penguin and friends hired to kill Batman. Well, that seems fair since Batman once killed him. I mean, he cut off his arm and left him to die which would be enough for most juries to convict a person of murder. But KGBeast survived and now he's, apparently, the world's greatest killer! He rescues Batman but he only does it to kill Batman. So Batman isn't out of the woods which caught fire due to a careless hunter trying to fry some eggs in a pan around a fire not in a secure firepit.

• That's probably a good place to end the story for this month. But Snyder chooses to end with Gordon and Bullock breaking through Bruce's Bat-clock to discover...well, who knows what they've discovered. Jim just says, "Damn you, Bruce. What the hell have you done?" So maybe he sees a staircase down into the batcave behind the clock. Or maybe Alfred, in an attempt to save Bruce the embarrassment of being Batman, shoved a bunch of child porn in there.

• There's still the back-up story about a wheel and Duke! In it, Duke gets cut up by Zsasz. The end! Next time: Batman feels bad!

The Review!
Here are the essential elements of this story. Batman fighting outside of Gotham. Two-Face showing Batman that everybody has two faces. Batman trying to get Two-Face's two halves to merge. Two-Face trying to get Batman's two halves to merge. Batman doing what he thinks is right no matter what the cost to himself, and to everybody else. It's that last one which might be the biggest problem for Batman. Some people use telling the truth as a reason to be a complete and utter asshole. Batman, apparently, uses justice. Fuck everybody's feelings as long as Batman gets done what he thinks needs to be done! At this point, I'm hoping--just a little bit--that Two-Face winds up triumphant.

Ranking: +0!

All Star Batman #1

Which Batman were you expecting?

The Review!
This book seems like it'll be fun. Even though the basic premise that I have to buy to really get into the story is this: Harvey Dent somehow magically knows everything about everybody ever and can reveal it in such a way that it isn't just white noise when it's let loose into the world! I suppose I don't totally have to buy into that premise. I just have to buy into the premise that everybody in Gotham buys into the premise and that they all have dirty secrets that they've idiotically not completely kept to themselves! Such amateurs! When you have dirty secrets, you don't tell them to anybody! I mean, sometimes you can tell them on your blog but then you also have to say a lot of things that are complete fabrications to hide the truths amid the lies! That works really well! I know because a friend of a friend who has this really awesome comic book blog that everybody should be reading told me how it works really well! Was that clear enough so that you know I'm talking about my blog? I mean, I wanted to be subtle about it but then I realized if you didn't get I was talking about my blog, you might think there's actually another comic book blog out there that's better than this blog and I couldn't leave you thinking that! Although I bet those guys at the Weird Science Blog have some really disgusting secrets! I bet they shave kittens and rub them on their testicles. They're so gross!

The Commentary!
My cousin messaged me on the day this came out and asked, "All Star Batman? Yes or no?" I said, "Yes, I suppose. I'm pro Snyder but not so hot on Romita." He told me that was almost word for word what the clerk at his comic book store told him. So I guess I'm not as avant-garde a thinker as I thought I was. I'm just as intelligent as a jerk selling comic books to other jerks. But, in all sincerity (and I'm rarely sincere so listen closely! Or read closely. Whatever. You understood!), how did John Romita Jr. get the job on All Star Batman? During the John Romita Jr. Variant Covers month, he drew Batman wielding a gun. If there's one absolute no-no of a way to fuck up a portrait of Batman, that would be it! And now on the cover of this issue, he's drawn Batman with some kind of gigantic bottle opener batarang that might also be some kind of bear trap? You'll have to look at your own copy of this comic book because I scanned the Adam West Variant Cover.

"Hoo hoo hey! I was drawn by a professional!"

The poor guy with the red wall eyes is the owner of a truck stop diner that's about to get smashed to bits by Batman's face. Killer Moth and Firefly (two bug-type criminals because the waitress was talking about how big the bugs are getting and then...ha ha! Get it!) throw Batman through the window and into the jukebox. I think it's a jukebox. It's a pretty big fucking jukebox. But it has all the hallmarks of a jukebox. I think. Anyway, Batman's face smashes straight through it because somehow Killer Moth and Firefly got the drop on Batman. I don't really need to know how. I don't need a "24 hours earlier" bit on the next page and I have a feeling Snyder won't do that to the reader. This is All Star Batman! None of those gimmicks for this periodical! This is all action and poorly rendered jukeboxes and diner chefs!

Firefly and Killer Moth want some information from Batman. They threaten to kill everybody in the diner if Batman doesn't give up what he knows. I have a feeling Batman isn't going to give them the answer they want. Unless what they're looking for are his Batarangs! He'll show them exactly where those are and in what orifices they uncomfortably fit!

Batman spits out a few teeth and a half gallon of blood so he can say, "Remain calm, everybody! I have this handled! Did I say clam? I meant calm if I said clam. I don't think I said clam but I don't want anybody to be confused. Remain clam. I mean calm!" Then he creepily winks at everybody while the comic book explains he's Batman: most wanted man in the state. Oh my! I wonder what that's about! So exciting!

Actually, their only job is to fuck, shut up, and die! So, maybe go with another bon mot unless you're ready to carry through with an anal raping in front of the diner patrons. You know, to be technically correct and all. Just actuallying!

"Just actuallying!" is what nerds should start saying instead of "Just saying!" Because they're never just saying! But they're always just wiping their drippy dicks all over the chins of everybody they just put in their place with a well-timed actually!

Why would Batman think that Killer Moth doesn't know everything there is to know about moths already? Does he think Killer Moth is just half-assing the gimmick? Come on, Batman! Show your villainous counterparts some respect!

Batman just got beat to crap and then beat the crap out of the people who beat him to crap and some asshole in the crowd of bystanders decides it's an optimal time for calling out his bullshit. Well, at least you feel good about yourself, Ms. Self-Righteous, My-Way-Or-My-Incessant-Yapping Piece of Shit! At least now you'll be able to tell the story and make yourself out to be the social hero! "Batman was right there in the diner, bleeding from nearly every orifice, having just butt-fucked a man in a moth costume and I stood my ground! I was all, 'You are gross, Batman! You are problematic and gross and it's your fault that we're all about to die because a dangerous villain followed you here! I mean, you were dragged here by two men in bug costumes but that's no excuse! Hashtag Batman? More like Badman!'" Luckily Batman doesn't have to listen to her for long because he's dragged back outside by a pair of mechanical arms.

This is the part of the story where Scott Snyder finally can't resist and feels the need to explain what's been happening. Boo! Hiss! Snyder, you coward!

Snyder then begins to tell the story backwards because who wants to read a boring linear story? Writing a story backwards is something Real Writers do! They're all, "Check this shit out! I'm fucking blowing this narrative to Comedom King! Get it? Did you get that joke? Was it too intellectual for you?!"

The problem with writing the story backwards is that I find it difficult to comment on. Jerk is making my job hard! So twenty-two minutes before the diner scene, some guy in a potato sack hood scoffed at Batman for throwing something away. What did he throw away? I don't know! It's a backwards mystery! Then two hours before that, Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and some idiot in motorcycle gear apparently sponsored by Batman are standing around the Bat-signal chatting about acid rain and Harvey Dent. Citizens are standing around in the streets covered in bandages. I'm assuming it's because they're embarrassed to be seen looking like they were drawn by John Romita Jr.

Oh, I guess Motorcycle Batman is Duke Thomas. Batman explains that he's better than Robin. I guess all the pederast jokes were getting kind of old.

Two weeks before the rooftop meeting, Batman was asked by Harvey Dent to burn Two-Face out of him. So, you know, Harvey Dent is back to life because this is Rebirth! Harvey Dent told Bruce he had a plan to get rid of Two-Face once and for all. But Alfred was all, "How do you know this isn't Two-Face telling you these things! You're going to be in big trouble, sir!" And Batman was all, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred. Who signs your checks?"

Notice all the time increments have twos in them! I think that's a clue! I bet the next flashback will be two years ago!

Eventually enough back story is given (I hope!) and things settle back down to 20 minutes before the diner. Twenty minutes ago, Batman was forced to listen to Harvey Dent psychoanalyze everybody in Gotham, all based on the fact that his evil eye is color-blind.

Oh, shut the fuck up. I wish I signed your paychecks!

Two-Face believes everybody has a secret side they hide from the world. I've said it before that we all have secrets we'd refuse to tell even our closest confidantes. Not me, of course! I tell everybody everything via this blog! So Two-Face wouldn't be able to control me! He'd be all, "I'll tell everybody you sniff your belly button funk!" And I'll be all, "Oh yeah? I'll show everybody! See? Mmmm! Mmmm! So tangy!" And he'll be all, "Eww! I point out how you once masturbated in a park after dark!" And I'll be all, "Hey! I didn't do that! Don't tell people I did that! That's a big fat lie that you can't prove anyway because nobody even saw me!" And then he'll be all, "Oh yeah! But what about that time you..." And I'll scream, "Not that! That's enough! I'll take your deal! Just don't say that!" Okay. So there are some things I'll never reveal to anonymous people on the other side of this computer screen. Why should I? You're all judgmental bastards!

Two-Face has made a deal with everybody in Gotham that if he gets to wherever Batman is taking him, he's going to release all of the secrets he knows about everybody (and being Gotham's District Attorney, apparently he has access to it all). Now, I don't believe everybody cares. I bet 85% of the residents of Gotham will shrug their shoulders and go, "Who the fuck cares? No way he knows I secretly dig up earthworms in the backyard and shove them in my vagina." But Two-Face knows that 15% of the people of Gotham will be terrified by Two-Face's threat. And they'll mobilize to stop Batman. Like Killer Moth and Firefly have done! And the guy with the mechanical arms.

Also, if Two-Face is set free, he's going to pay the person scads and scads of money! The next villain to beat up Batman is Black Spider. He's the guy with the mechanical arms that pulled Batman out of the diner. He also has some bullets in a gun that all say "Batmau" on them. He set the press wrong because he was in a hurry.

Batman stops Black Spider too because how could he not? It's Black Spider not Doomsday (who Batman could also stop anyway)! But then all of the assholes in the diner decide to join up and collect the reward together because--as I pointed out in the beginning of the sentence--they're assholes.

Batman gets away from them quicker than it takes him to piss in the morning (which, seeing as he's getting older, isn't really all that quick) and he drags Harvey away to lock him in the back of a truck. I guess he's going to drive Harvey to wherever he's taking him. And he'll have to battle scads and scads of villains along the way! I wonder if I can fit any more "scads and scads" into this commentary? Wouldn't it be great to have scads and scads of "scads and scads"? Bingo! Anyway, that's probably why the issue begain "Miles Traveled: 0". Because Batman is going to have to drive 500 miles just to...oh, you know where that's going, don't you? Sorry.

The "house" Batman is taking Harvey Dent to is probably his childhood home where he'll be able to face the thing that caused the schism way back in his childhood. It was probably seeing the neighbor girl shoving earthworms into her vagina.

Batman goes radio silent with Alfred because Batman knew Alfred targeted the Batplane. Not that Alfred has anything to hide. It's just he's tired of having to shut the fuck up simply because Batman signs his motherfucking checks. Batman drives off on his own with only Gentleman Ghost hanging on to the back of the truck as it heads toward its destination.

There's a back-up story because there had to be a reason that Declan Shalvey and Jordie Bellaire got their names on the cover but weren't involved in the first story. That's called a clue! And I noticed it because I'm like Batman! I fuck moth's in the ass! I mean, something about being a detective! Not the moth thing!

The back-up story is called "The Cursed Wheel" and it's Duke's first case with the Batman where he does more than just solve word problems. In this case, he's wearing his new outfit which he bought at the Yamaha Dealership and stuck Bat stickers on. I still don't know what his superhero name is if it isn't Robin. I'm guessing it's just Motorcycle Batman!

Duke and Batman investigate some killings that look like Zsasz was probably responsible. But that's not the important part of this first chapter. The important part is The Cursed Wheel which is some kind of visual representation of all of Batman's training and all of Alfred's sassy remarks woven into a template that teaches sidekicks to become heroes...or villains! And one of them is a great big stinky villain who won't be revealed until who knows when. But it had better not be Alfred! Even though he took a shot at Batman in the main story! I'm sure that was just Alfred knowing the best way to help Batman was to knock his plane out of the sky and force Batman to go radio silent. Right? That has to be why he did that. Right? RIGHT?! TELL ME I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND SNYDER ISN'T DOING THE ONE THING I SAID SO LONG AGO THAT NO WRITER SHOULD EVER DO?!