Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

The Unexpected #1

You really only have a limited number of times you can use the catchphrase, "Nobody expects...The Unexpected!"

I'm not surprised I don't recognize anybody on the cover because you know why. You read the same title that I just read. Stop playing dumb.

The woman in the front who is about to engage in oral sex with the reader is named Firebrand. I vaguely remember her getting a scene in one of the previous "The New Age of Heroes" comic books (New Challengers, I think). She's a fighter who loves to fight in and out of the ring. That's a secret shortcut to writing a strong female character. You can tell she's strong because in the first page, she knocks out Killer Croc with one punch. You can tell she's female because of the boobies. I know that joke risks alienating the trans community due to erasure but sometimes you have to take risks to become a leading comedy writer known for their third grade humor. Plus it's empowering to the trans community that I think they're way too smart for my stuff, right?

Speaking of society's double standards for boobies, remember that scene in Mad Men when Ginsberg cuts off his nipple and gives it to Peggy? What if Peggy had cut off her nipple and given it to Michael? Would it have been too obscene for television to show the nipple in the box once it's been detached from Peggy's breast? Where is the line drawn between being able to show a nipple on television and not being able to show a nipple on television? What if Peggy had just found a detached nipple left on her desk? Would ambiguity make the nipple offensive to a censor's tastes? Can a trans man's nipple be shown? What about a trans woman's nipple? It can't just be that the nipple on fatty tissue is obscene because remember that show The Biggest Loser? There were a lot of exposed nipples on large breasts in that show but they were deemed acceptable for some reason. Why are nipples such a contentious aspect in the discussion on vulgarity and human body?

Don't misunderstand me! I don't think there is anything vulgar about the human body at all! I mean as long as I'm attracted to the specific human body we're talking about. I don't want to see stuff I don't want to see! You know the stuff! Gross!

I would describe the stuff I don't want to see but I don't want to be called a fat shaming homophobe. Anyway, I just got rid of all of the full length mirrors in my house and solved the problem.

Firebrand was a civilian killed during Metal. But she got a new futuristic heart that only keeps working if she gets into a fight every twenty four hours. Don't ask how it works. That's boring detail that doesn't really matter. Just know that her heart is called "the Conflict Engine" which is the only reason you need to understand why something this stupid would be developed.

Weird Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news! The bad news: we brought you back to life by giving you a new heart. Welcome back to the pain of existence! The good news? You legally get to beat somebody's ass once per day to keep yourself alive!"
Firebrand:: "Wait. What? Why?!"
Weird Doctor:: "No time to explain! I have to rush off to give somebody a fake rectum who will then have to eat three large linguiça and jalapeño pizzas per day or they'll die! Good luck!"

Firebrand currently explains her life by being so contradictory that I don't care anymore. Not that I cared at all from the beginning. But I needed some way to end that initial sentence that didn't take a lot of effort to construct.

Every scumbag in New Jersey knows where to find her but the CIA and some black ops corporation have no idea where to look. *shrug*

I get it, lazy writer. The heart wants what it wants and what your heart wants is for readers to simply accept the scenario you've created without thinking about it critically at all! Although I will allow myself to be wrong in this instance. Because generally what comic book writers have found is that readers are so willing to accept every idea that they'll do all the critical thinking they can to contort reason and logic until they can explain away anything in a comic book they like. It's just too bad nobody has any reason to like this comic book yet! Unless you're one of those people who read one word from a new character and instantly claim "THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!" just in case the character becomes super popular. Then you can claim to be the character's biggest fan! Good for you!

What I'm trying to say is that Firebrand is totally my new favorite character.

An evil guy named Alden Quench wearing a Project Runway outfit comes to take Firebrand's heart. He spouts a lot of stuff that would make people who read Metal think "That sounds familiar!" which ties everything together and satisfies my need for closure. It might not provide the link to Metal that other people need but remember how I said I don't care anymore? That makes me easier to please than other readers of this book.

Alden Quench calls himself Bad Samaritan which is a totally racist stereotype of Samaritans. The only reason Jesus tells a story about a Good Samaritan is that everybody in Jesus's time simply accepted that all Samaritan's were terrible people. He might as well call himself simply "The Samaritan" (except I think that bad guy was already taken by an enemy of The Outsiders (unless he was also called The Bad Samaritan! (double unless this is actually him!))).

A huge fight breaks out between The Unexpected (who arrive to help Firebrand for selfish reasons) and the Bad Samaritan putting everybody in the hospital at risk. So because Firebrand exists, regular people are endangered. I really don't want to be on the side of the argument that claims heroes endanger everybody but come on! I can't get any stories that don't prove the paranoid civilians are wrong!

The leader of The Unexpected is a guy named Neon who is probably an Aurakle like Halo because he gets cut in half and rainbows slosh out. The Bad Samaritan splashes this rainbow blood on Firebrand and then chops her in the heart with Viking Judge's axe (Viking Judge might not be her real name but I sincerely hope that it is). In so doing, he kills himself and creates a new Nth Metal isotope.

Meanwhile beneath the surface of Thanagar, a guy named Onimar Synn eats a dinosaur guy and then settles down for a nice long pout. I guess he wants to eat Firebrand's heart but its too far away. FOR NOW!

Anyway, The Bad Samaritan created something called Destruction Metal. It's going to blow a hole in the multiverse if Neon and Firebrand don't do something about it. Viking Judge and Ascendant (the woman with the horns and the blue guy on the cover) apparently died in the conflict. I'm glad I didn't declare they were my favorite characters!

Rating: You know what? Going against my screaming brain, I'm going to buy the second issue of this comic book. It's interesting even if it's relying on that same old lazy premise that I keep shitting all over: heroes that exist only to be targets of super villains. In this one, people want Firebrand's heart and they'll hurt the entire world to get it. Neon might be trying to save the Multiverse though which is one reason I'll hang around for a bit. I would like The Unexpected to be some kind of multiversal freedom fighters. Apparently they haven't been doing too good a job so far though because worlds keep dying around them.

P.S. Subscribe to the E!TACT Newsletter for even more reviews of whatever I find lying around the house.

Justice League of America #8

This comic book is full of delusional optimism about my memory.

I'm glad this issue is reminding readers why they should be buying it. Some of you might be thinking, "How is it doing that, Great One?" Well, since you're being so respectful of me and my standing as a comic book reader, I'll tell you! But only after the people who didn't call me "Great One" whip themselves fifteen times across the back with an extension cord.

Done? Okay! The reason people should be reading this comic book is Lobo! See him right there on the cover? He's the handsome one with the lips that you're probably picturing around your genitals. He's definitely not the one dressed as a bat who looks like he just smelled a fart.

The worst part about this cover is that it tries to set up a mystery. "Is he a man? A Monster?" "Oh my gosh! What is he?! I'm so intrigued!" is what I might be saying if the title of the story, "The Man from Monster Valley," didn't answer the question for me. Way to spoil everything, you stupid comic book cover! Hopefully most people who aren't Grandmaster Comic Book Readers didn't notice that because they were too busy furiously masturbating to Lobo's lips.

The story begins 101 miles east of Tunguska. You would know the significance of Tunguska if you had been a huge nerd in the 70s and couldn't miss an episode of In Search Of. Also you might know the significance of it because you were born decades after the 70s and grew up with the Internet at your fingertips and have used it for more than just showing people pictures of the things you've eaten. I'm not sure why Monster Valley is 101 miles away from Tunguska. I guess that's how far the Space Monster Jizz flew after the alien cum shot exploded over Tunguska.

Makson, the man, flees from some robots that keep saying, "S.K.U.L.L. requires." It's about as unintelligible as Makson constantly saying, "Gnawk!" Here are some other things Makson and his bird sidekick say: "Kchawk!", Gnaw-nawk!", and "Chowgk!" That must mean that the "mak" part of Makson's name rhymes with cock. That's good to know, just in case I decide to write a soliloquy about this issue.

For some reason, The Justice League and Black Canary's tits appear out of nowhere to save the day. I thought I was going to praise Lobo and his great ass but have you seen Dinah's tits today?

She might want to get a professional fitting done because I think those things are packed in way too tight.

There's a Hooters just off of Interstate 5 on the border of Washington and Oregon that constantly has part of the sign burned out. So it usually says "HOO ERS" which I find incredibly funny.

S.K.U.L.L. happen to be tech rivals of WayneCorp so Batman is using his ties to the Justice League of America to put them out of business. You would think choosing the name S.K.U.L.L. would have done that years ago. But I guess their products are just too good. I wonder what S.K.U.L.L. stands for? I hope the final two letters stand for Lex Luthor. Maybe the name is short for Serial Killers Under Lex Luthor Fighting Upstart Corporate Kompetitors?

The Justice League of America (and Black Canary's tits) destroy all of S.K.U.L.L.'s resources and then notice that Makson didn't die in the battle. So they say, "Yay! We saved him!" But they didn't save the bird creatures which were his family and maybe also the place he enjoyed putting his penis. He must have been fucking something in Monster Valley. Maybe that's what makes him a monster?!

Back in New York, Makson the Monster Man becomes the hit of the waste of time daytime talk and fluff news shows circuit. He also decides wearing a manbun would be the best look for him. I like the manbun. It's a good indicator that the person is somebody I might punch in the face if I have to spend more than five minutes around them. I wish more people I wanted to avoid would wear them!

Makson is apparently in this thirties. What I'm saying is he has definitely fucked a lot of different monsters and possibly trees in Monster Valley.

For some reason, Steve Orlando thought it would be a good idea to focus on Makson instead of Lobo. Does he simply hate selling lots of comic books? I suppose if Makson becomes super popular, he'll get creator's rights and a teeny, tiny royalty check when the Makson movie hits porn theaters across the country in 2019. But he'd probably make more money simply by focusing on Lobo. I would pay about a dollar more per issue if I was guaranteed twenty pages of Lobo and his tight ass-*coughcough*-assin's credo.

Makson wound up in Monster Valley at three years old when his parents' plane crashed, killing his mother and father. He learned English from the plane's emergency manuals which explains why he's using "foraging" incorrectly in the following panel:

The word you're looking for is "fucking."

Back in Happy Harbor, Black Canary is all, "What if he's a big fakey douche? Look at his manbun! Seems suspicious!" But Ray is all, "I think he's cool because I want to eat his asshole." But Batman is all, "I agree with Black Canary because when have I ever trusted anybody? We'd better figure out what he's really up to!" And Lobo is all, "Can I kill him yet?"

The members who want to trust Makson are all, "Batman is a fucking dick! He's supposed to trust people and give them second chances! How dare he not interfere with the guy's life at all while secretly investigating him to make sure his story adds up so that he doesn't wind up hurting or killing people? Asshole!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't care what his lackeys think about him.

Ryan Choi disagrees with Batman but understands that phrase about being better is safer than being sorry. You know which phrase I mean! The one that describes this situation! The one that doesn't go "It's better to be killed by a person you trusted than to hurt their feelings if they somehow discover you'be been investigating them without their knowledge." That saying is only ever used in the Writer's Room at The CW.

I can't think of a dumber way to spend one's inheritance and I'm currently thinking of airdropping sno-cone makers to penguins in Antarctica.

Did your butthole clench as tight as mine did at the phrase "activist genealogists"? That's exactly the type of thing I'd expect somebody sporting a manbun to say!

While Ray, Vixen, and Killer Frost talk about Batman behind his back, Batman, Lobo, and Black Canary track S.K.U.L.L. back to Infinity Island. The Atom sneaks into Mawkson's apartment to figure out if he's been busy eating people the way his bird family probably taught him to do. Or maybe he'll find all of Makson's fuck birds. Batman learns that S.K.U.L.L.'s new backers are Makson's billionaire family members so S.K.U.L.L. was looking to find Makson and kill him if he was still alive so he wouldn't take away their funding for something stupid like hiring activist genealogists. And Ryan discovers that Makson has been using activist genealogists to find all of his family members so he can kill them. Well, that's finally something I approve of! I bet Lobo does too!

So Makson wants to kill his family? I guess he knew they were behind S.K.U.L.L. fucking his bird family and other monster lovers. Now they have to die for their villainy! I don't know if I want to see Lobo beat his ass or high five him.

Justice League of America #7

Terrorstrike is a near perfect name for a guy whose super power is teleporting into anal.

Once again, DC Comics screws up by not putting Lobo on the cover. I will admit that there are probably some Killer Frost fans, and there are probably some Ryan Choi fans (mostly because Gail Simone and Grant Morrison created him to be the biggest and yet tiniest sex pervert in history (unless I read his debut story wrong (I don't think I did. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, after all))). But if you put them all on one side of a scale (it would have to be a really big scale but not for those fans. The scale would have to be big for the next part of this statement. Hold your horses!) and put all of the Lobo fans on the other side of the scale (see? That's why you need such a large scale! I told you it was coming!), the world would end because that comparison is practically like dividing zero by infinity. So good job, asshole. Maybe don't try that thought experiment for real next time.

This issue begins with Batman showing Xeno his penis. He's all, "You see the size of this penis? It's a big fucking penis, right? I bet yours is microscopic compared to this penis." Xenos asks, "Why are you showing me your penis?" Batman smirks and says, "A penis this size? It means you listen to the person it's attached to." Xeno pulls out his penis and it's just as big. "Looks like we're both in charge, buddy!" he laughs. Meanwhile Ray masturbates furiously in the shadows.

The Atom and Killer Frost take a field trip to the Museum of Unnatural History. It's in Manhattan and it's full of unnatural things like sex between two men and uncircumcised penises. That was a joke for my conservative and religious followers. Sometimes they like to laugh too! I know that seems outrageous judging by how none of them seem to be amused by anything whimsical but I suspect everybody likes to laugh. I sometimes think the real anger filling conservatives is that they don't have anybody funny on their side. Mike Huckabee wants to be that guy but the only jokes they know how to make are ones that feature the word "libtard." It's tough when they can't laugh at being caught in the shower by their grandmother with a dildo halfway up their butthole. That's a moment where their life is completely ruined. Whereas if you're on the left, you now have a funny story to tell all of your friends! It's so much more fun being liberal. I really pity those other humorless assholes. I mean, if you found a joke about two men having sex being unnatural funny, you're not actually laughing at a joke. There's no joke there! The joke isn't, "Oh yeah! That's funny because God would kill the fuck out of them for that! So unnatural!" The joke is that some people think that two men having sex can somehow be unnatural! It's not like my dick was made by Big Oil. I was born with it! If I choose to stick it in the asshole of a man who was also born with that asshole, it couldn't be more natural. Now if I fucked a robot's asshole, that would be unnatural and disgusting.

This paragraph is even less about the comic book then the last few paragraphs, so you busy people who don't have time for sidebar bullshit can skip it. Anyway, my Twitter feed is currently suggesting I follow these people: Sue Perkins, Alan Carr, and Romesh Ranganathan. I'm not sure why I don't currently follow them anyway! For once, Twitter, you've actually been helpful with your intrusive bullshit. You're like a little kid constantly vying for attention while I'm busy trying to feed a starving puppy. If you're wondering what the starving puppy was doing in that metaphor, it was representative of my sensitive ego.

I did have to click back to Twitter to make sure I spelled Romesh's last name right but I think I'll remember it forever now. It only uses one vowel! How hard is that to remember?

After I followed them, Twitter was all, "Oh? You like those guys? How about Paul Hollywood?" Oy. Go fuck yourself, Twitter. I'm sorry I ever engaged you.

Anyway, Killer Frost and The Atom are looking for a cure for her body's inability to regulate its temperature. I mean a different cure than lying on a rock in a sun like a lizard.

I don't get it. Why doesn't Killer Frost just get into a lesbian relationship with Fire? Problem fucking solved!

Three pages in and so far Terrorstrike's penis has not teleported itself into anybody's anal cavity. I bet this cover was one of those lying covers that never show the actual truth of the story!

Terrorstrike does arrive but not by anal teleportation (I fucking knew it was too good to be true!). Instead he just walks up to the entrance of the Unnatural History Museum, explains that he wants to see the Jackalope, exposes the cat on his shoulder hidden beneath his hoodie, and murders the guards. No wait! He refrains from murder because he needs to explain his origin story and then his motive for being in this comic book. The guards area all, "Um, hey, dude? Could you back off? Nobody cares about aliens ejaculating into your central nervous system as much as you think they should. It's probably why your wife and son can't stand you." If I were one of the guards, I'd probably just let him see the jackalope. But then I'm a terrible employee who never feels loyalty to my employer simply because they're paying me to expend precious moments of my finite life doing things they want me to do.

The cover lied in another way: this guy's name is Terrorsmith. That's worse than Terrorstrike! No wonder nobody notices or respects him! You don't stick the most boring last name in the English language onto a fear invoking concept if you want to demand respect. Terrorstrike could work. Terrorsmith just means a lot of people are going to respond, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Smith. But I'm kind of busy here."

I suppose if Bloodlines had been more interesting, I would remember more about Terrorsmith. I think I do have his appearance in Showcase '94 but I probably haven't read it since, um, you know...1994.

Terrorsmith turns the guards into monsters. Get it? He creates terrors! Although can you really call two monsters attacking a museum terrors? It's not like they have brown skin and yelled "Allahu akbar!" That was another joke for my conservative readers! Of course, the real joke is that conservatives and the media seems to only think that terrorism is terrorism if the attackers are Muslim. If terrorism is committed by a black guy, it's gang violence. If it's a white guy, it's mental illness or loner who has no fucking connection with other white guys just because he's white and stop being ridiculous because guns are good and shut up. See how jokes work, Internet Scolds? It might seem like I'm saying, "Hey! Muslims are terrorists who are worse than Terrorsmith's monsters!" But what I'm actually saying is, "Hey! Why the fuck do people continue to only use the term 'terrorism' when Muslim attackers are involved? Seems like an agenda there, no?"

I love when people use vulgar in the way most people don't read the word vulgar. Also I love Lobo.

Lobo is busy beating up another alien in a casino somewhere while Black Canary shrugs and sighs and looks askance at the camera as the end credits roll.

Terrorsmith has a whole cadre of monster cats that follow him around. Did I use cadre correctly? Sometimes I wish I had an editor because Googling takes too long. It's easier to just ignore an editor when they say, "You can't say so many offensive things!" But they also know all the words I don't know. So sometimes they're useful.

During the battle with Terrorsmith's monsters, The Atom crashes into an Unnatural History display of Dr. Sivana's fossilized time pills. Oh, that's convenient! I mean, I don't know how it's convenient but I'm pretty sure it will wind up being convenient. I wish he'd crashed into the display just to the right where they keep Dr. Sivana's time suppositories.

Killer Frost moves in to stop Terrorsmith alone. That's because he can't turn her into a monster since she already thinks of herself as a monster. That's like that time that woman touched me and tried to turn me into a God and I didn't change because I'm an atheist and apparently we all believe we're God. Or something. I don't really understand Christians who think they're smart instead of dull when they say that. How does not believing in gods suddenly turn into believing that I'm my own god? I just said I don't believe in God but I do believe in myself! If I thought I was my own God, that would be a paradox, dum-dum!

If the idea that atheists think they're their own God comes down to the fact that they believe they're in control of their lives and their decisions then Christians think they're their own God as well. They make decisions all the time whether or not they point to the sky and wink sexily at God for the help. They especially make their own decisions when they decide that there are certain ideas in The Bible or aspects of church dogma that they can live without acknowledging.

Anyway, I only like to associate with people who can determine right from wrong without somebody else having to explain it to them. I'm fairly certain a good percentage of religious people who believe the only way somebody can know right from wrong is through religion are sociopaths. Because I've never been taught religion but I was raised in a house constantly full of cats and learned a good deal about love and empathy which stand in as pretty good markers for determining whether an action is right or wrong. Sure some actions are ambiguous. And some are judgment neutral, like masturbation. If you don't think masturbation is a right/wrong neutral action, you've probably been told how to feel about it. How can you tell if making and eating a sandwich is right or wrong? I guess it depends on what's in the sandwich and what religion's list of acceptable food products you go by. It's so much easier being an atheist! Nobody ever tells me my peanut butter and semen sandwich will send me to Hell. No wait. Everybody does. That was a poor example.

The Atom never gets to use his time pills because Frost's plan of threatening Terrorsmith with an agonizing death works to get him to change the guards back. Killer Frost is all, "Terrorsmith couldn't hurt me because I already see myself as a monster!" And The Atom is all, "But my penis doesn't think that! I mean my brain! I'm not trying to save you simply because I want to have sex with you! I mean, I want to have sex with you, I do! But I don't want my dick to freeze off when we do it. So I sort of have to save you! But I'd also want to save you if you were a man too! But then I wouldn't want to have sex with you! So you can see how I probably should have shut up and never opened my mouth at all and just went about trying to help you because you're my friend. I mean, we can be more than friends if you want, of course. You know? To do the sex!"

Don't worry, Frost. He's a guy. He's totally interested. I mean, he'd wrap a jellyfish around his dick if somebody said it felt as good as fucking.

Terrorsmith winds up in Belle Reve where maybe — just maybe! — he'll become fodder for the Suicide Squad. I know they generally don't like working with villains who aren't super popular these days. But at some point, they're going to need to kill somebody or the name is going to lose all meaning (if it hasn't fucking already). There's probably a generation of youths who can't figure out why the fuck the comic is called Suicide Squad.

Youth: "So they, like, all want to die or something?"
Elder: "No, no! It's just the missions are so dangerous that it's practically suicide to go on them!"
Youth: "Wait. The missions are dangerous? Since when?!"
Elder: "Well, I mean, that's the premise."
Youth: "You're shitting me, right?"
Elder: "Don't swear. And stop smoking in front of me. And stop having sex outside of marriage!"
Youth: "Well why don't you stop being racist and homophobic?!"
Elder: "Touché, young one! Touché! You have taught me this day!"

This issue did not have enough Lobo for my $2.99.

Supergirl #9

This cover reminds me that I should do a review of that fucking awful DC Superhero Girls book. Holy shit that thing is terrible!

My intitial impression of the DC Superhero Girls book was that it was about girls supporting each other and getting along and friendship and yay! But then the first scene is Wonder Woman sparring with Cheetah in gym. Cheetah gets her ass beat and all the DC Superhero Girls cheer wildly while Gym Teacher Wildcat writes a big A on a piece of paper and shows it to her. "See? You get an A for beating up that girl nobody likes!" Cheetah slinks off without a word from any of these caring, kind, supportive girls. No "Good try!" or "You'll get her next time!" or Are you okay?" Nothing! Not a fucking word. They just cheer Wonder Woman and everybody celebrates Wonder Woman's accomplishments and Cheetah probably slinks off to go eat lunch alone trying not to listen to the whispers of the other girls calling her a bitch and a whore.

It's possible I'm reading too much into the comic book. Also, I haven't gotten much farther than that so maybe it all comes together in the third act to explain why everybody treats Cheetah like she doesn't exist and deserves to get beat down so Wonder Woman can get her precious A.

In this issue, Magog interrupts the embryonic Superman/Batman rivalry developing between Batgirl and Supergirl. He's upset about something Supergirl does in the future which is always a good excuse to create time travel so you can go back in the past to punch the person in their confused face. It seems Magog has become a member of the Fatal Five. Last time we saw New 52 Magog, he was just an angry kid transformed into a brutish adult by Circe to extract his revenge on the Justice League for not saving his family during Darkseid's invasion. That's the long way of saying he's just another irrational villain who, like most of America, don't seem to understand blame. So he's a time traveler who wants to avenge future slights in the past, he's a victim who has decided to blame the wrong people for his pain, and he's a villain who has no plan other than to battle a superhero. He's hit the trifecta of comic book tropes I can't fucking stand!

Ultimately, this current issue isn't about Magog and Emerald Empress and the Fatal Five and Saturn Girl and whatever plot all this fucking time travel bullshit will be a part of. This story might be even worse because the villain is Xa-du, a character whose appearance always make me exclaim, "Yawn!" Ben, Batgirl, and Supergirl all wind up in The Phantom Zone. Xa-du, wearing a creepy suit made out of the souls of Kryptonian prisoners, realizes he might be able to escape while wearing the skin of Kara Zor-el. Ew. What is with grown Kryptonian men wanting to wear Kara's skin?! This shit is getting ridiculous. Anyway, that'll be the riveting plot of the next few issues. I thought that nothing could be more boring than Kara dealing with her Daddy Issues and Cyborg Superman. But that's because I Xa-du is so utterly boring that I completely forgot he existed until now. Why is Steve Orlando doing this to Supergirl? And to me!

I wonder if I can find a way to blame Eddie Berganza?

Justice League of America #6

How are new readers going to know they should pick this up because Lobo is in it? This is a poor choice of covers.

Page One does not contain a scene with Lobo. It does have The Atom displaying his impotence to Aegeus. But Aegeus has no time to laugh at a tiny man who can't get a metaphorical boner. He needs to gloat like a proper villain should after they've just defeated Lobo. Not a lot of characters can say that they bested Lobo! No wait. That's not true. After Lobo peaked in popularity as the biggest bad-ass motherfucker in the universe, he began to be dragged from comic book to comic book just to be defeated by the hero to show that the hero could defeat the most dangerous person in the universe. Apparently DC didn't realize how they were diluting Lobo's brand from biggest bad-ass in the universe to biggest punching bag in the universe. The kinds of fans who loved Lobo wound up feeling angry and embarrassed while reading Lobo comic books after that. Not me though! I was already angry and embarrassed while reading any comic book!

Part of that last paragraph wasn't true. Maybe most of it wasn't true. I don't think any Lobo fans were ever embarrassed about liking Lobo because they were all so busy emulating his worst qualities. It's hard to tell which of Lobo's qualities were the worst but I'm probably not talking about his penchant for genocide. Although maybe those Columbine kids were fans, right? I mean, that was terrible what happened there but I'm fairly certain if I had seen footage of one of them screaming about bastiches and gizzards from some guy named Feetal, I probably would have chuckled. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it, either! If you can't laugh in the face of every reminder that our existence is brutal, short, and depressingly mediocre, you're probably a pretty nice person and I could use more of your kind in my life.

Pages Two and Three do not contain scenes with Lobo. But the rest of the Justice League of America, as they fight chimeras, mention Lobo! Batman is concerned that Lobo is dying the way Lobo has never died before. It's weird for Batman to be concerned about something that will never take place. Maybe he's not concerned at all. Maybe he just wants Ray to check on Lobo to make sure Lobo isn't accidentally genociding the people of Penn City.

Page Three is the best page so far because it contains a scene with Lobo. The Ray goes to check up on Lobo and Lobo has some instructions for him.

Remember the good old days when every drop of Lobo's blood could regenerate into a full Lobo? How did that never become the explanation for Twat Lobo and Magenta Timeline Lobo? Seriously missed opportunity.

Meanwhile on some more pages without Lobo therefore they're wasted pages, Killer Frost saves some civilians by freezing a terrorist's arm off. The civilians are ungrateful wretches who can't see the humor in a terrorist who just threatened the lives of their children losing his arm. Killer Frost is all, "Um, whoops? Don't tell Batman?"

The Ray refuses to tear out Lobo's heart for some reason. I bet it's because he's in loOoOoOoOove with Lobo! I mean, who isn't? But The Ray doesn't want to hurt the person he loves. I'm using "love" in the way all people who don't believe in love use it: to camouflage from romantic types that we're actually saying "Please give me oral pleasure until I humiliate myself in front of you with my satisfaction noises."

The Ray does cut out Lobo's heart after Lobo yells at him the way his mother used to yell at him when he tried to peak out of his dark bedroom window. After reading so many DC Comics for so many years, I have to wonder why I don't have super powers! My mom was the most paranoid and manipulative person and my dad left when I was two to become a giant drunk absentee bastard! Where is the justice that I get all of the Mommy and Daddy Issues and none of the super powers and hot trim?!

Lobo collapses because he doesn't have a heart anymore. It's not that he dies at that moment. It's just that he can't do much without any blood pumping oxygen to his brain. He just has to wait until his undying cells that can't die repair the damage and get the overall system back up and running. It's like a city that stops functioning because an earthquake destroyed most of the infrastructure. The people are still alive even though the city has come to a halt. They just have to get to work fixing it up again. Until Lobo regenerates, I guess I'll just have to suffer through a bout of being bored by this comic book.

This story is called "The Heart of a Bastich." Is bastich Latin? Do you conjugate nouns in Latin? Bastich. Basteres. Bastard. Basteremus. Bastarent. Um, anyway, I don't think the title refers to Lobo referring to himself (because of the conjgation! Duh!). I bet it turns out to be Ryan Choi who shows himself to be a real bastich because he's the only one currently facing off against Aegeus. Everybody is probably thinking, "Oh no! The poor little grad student in the nerdy glasses can't stand up to a great big charismatic terrorist who probably has a huge, thick penis! He's going to die!" But instead, he's going to be all, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard Aegeus!" Then he'll grow really small and everybody will be all, "Where is he?" Then Aegeus will get a weird look on his face. Everybody will recognize that look as the one where you suddenly feel your asshole get itchy due to physical exertion, sweat, and a rancid dingleberry you didn't know was stuck up in there. Then you contemplate how to deal with it. Do you unsatisfyingly scratch the itch through your clothing as people nearby make disgusted looks and judge you as if they've never done that before. Or do you go all in and shove your hand down the back of your pants and stick a finger way up there so that it feels like you're scratching the inside of the front of your skin, after which you remove your hand and then stall for a few moments as you glance around at who might be watching before you casually pretend to scratch your nose so you can sniff your fingers. You know that look? That's the look Aegeus will have just before The Atom expands to full size and explodes Aegeus's colon all over the room.

Oh. It doesn't happen that way. I can't say I'm disappointed though because Atom's life is rescued this way instead:

Yay Lobo! My penis rejoices at your renewed vigor!

Lobo and The Ray are merely a distraction so that The Atom can prove himself in battle. He turns tiny, avoids Aegeus's butthole, and turns big again, using the power of density or mass increasing or quantum hullabaloo to knock Aegeus out in one nerdy punch. Lobo instantly takes credit for Ryan's newfound ability to commit violent acts.

Some people don't like Lobo but that's probably because they've read versions of Lobo written and drawn by people who either don't like Lobo or don't understand Lobo. Nobody would be surprised how many writers used Lobo in the 90s simply to get a boost in sales while hating themselves for using a character they despised. And it's less surprising than that even that they would treat him as a joke and make him look as idiotic as possible. But sometimes a writer understands the character and my heart sings. Other times, an artist really gets the character and a part of me that got me banned from all Popeye's restaurants sings.

Andy MacDonald, you make my anal sphincter sing!

You don't need to hear the story about my banishment from Popeye's. But if you want more details to help create the scenario in your imagination, here are a few keywords: spicy chicken, dare, Tubgirl reenactment.

Let me say goodbye to a few followers of my blog right now since I won't get the chance after the next sentence.

I'm not sure what Lobo is threatening to do to Aegeus at the end of the above scan but I know it doesn't have anything to do with rape because that would be wrong and never funny. Especially when Lobo knows the humiliation of being married and raped by a Gothamite pervert super hero. If Lobo learned the opposite lesson, you wouldn't know it because it's not like Lobo said in the panel before the scanned panels, "I got something ta finish up. Ya might want to avert yer eyes. Also, do we have a wedding dress and a camcorder?" I mean, he said some of that! But probably not all of it.

After whatever just happened to Aegeus in the space between pages happens, his army's flying steeds turn back into salt. Without scary steeds, the army surrenders to the angry citizens of Penn City. The next day, Batman lets everybody know that "Aegeus' injuries are being treated." I would have said "Aegeus's injuries" but then I'm just smarter. Anyway, what could those injuries have been? Nobody goes into detail! Batman warned Lobo against maiming and Batman hasn't one-punched Lobo into being a better person yet, so I'm guessing Lobo just beat the guy with a tube sock stuffed with a bar of soap. Incidentally, that's the exact turn of phrase a person would use to describe a Czarnian penis.

The citizens tell Batman, "You know, thanks for, like, stopping that jerk. But he was, you know, paying us money. So now we're broke and shit. What are you going to do about that, asshole?" Before Batman can break the dick's jaw, Vixen pipes up. She's all, "I'll set up one of my non-profits here and you can all get jobs!" Then a bunch of the dumber and Republican residents are all, "How are we going to make money if it's a non-profit?! Get out of here with your communist bullshit! I'd rather starve!" But Vixen, undaunted, continues, "People notice my shit. More businesses will move in. Wealthy businesses! The totally for profit kind! The kind that probably has a big 'W' in the name, if Batman gets my fucking drift!" Then everybody cheers at the good news without realizing that they're just going to go back to making weapons in a few months when WayneTech moves in.

Later, Lobo gets me all teary eyed because I'm a pusstich, I guess.

Forget the cutesy-wutesy bonding bullshit! What did Batman promise Lobo?! I bet Batman promised to build him a glory hole portal into a sexy dimension!

I hope nobody ever shows Lobo a copy of The Cove. Japan thought the ending of World War II was awful? Wait until Lobo tattoos Fat Man and Little Boy onto his left and right fist (respectively) and wades onto their shores.

Xenos moves into The Sanctuary to help build weapons and polish Silver. That wasn't a typo; Silver is the name of Ray's penis.

I'm so happy that this comic book currently exists! Steve Orlando seems to understand and love violent psychopathic characters as much as I do! I know Twat Lobo was last seen in Larfleeze's trophy case but I hope Real Deal Lobo gets a chance to murder the fuck out of him. Multiple times even!

Justice League of America #5

Lobo!

Some people might be able to come up with one or two convincing arguments as to why this book is worth reading but the only one I can come up with (and the only one you need) is that Lobo is in it. And not that fucking piece of shit Twat Lobo that Cullen Bunn disgraced himself writing. That was the worst garbage I've ever read on a printed page and I've read at least one page of Twilight and most of The Bible¹. Twat Lobo was Lobo if you took away everything that made Lobo interesting and replaced it with something really fucking stupid and then said, "There we go. That's Lobo! The dumb idiots who love Lobo won't know the difference! Boy, people who liked Lobo truly were dumb, weren't they? I bet they don't even notice! Just think of all the fucking morons who will actually prefer this version! Ha ha! Jerks!" Twat Lobo was some asshole at DC Comics thinking, "Lobo should still be a genocidal maniac but one that has a better back story than that he just wanted to be unique. He needs to be some kind of prophetic figure! He needs to be a sympathetic figure caught up in the forces of destiny out of his control! Oh, and what Millennial is going to fall for his heavy metal biker attitude? That went out of style before Lobo was even popular! But they'll love him as a total twat!"

People who liked Twat Lobo are beneath Trump Supporters on my list of people I would never have breakfast with. And I love breakfast!

Here's me at the height of my love for Lobo twenty-four (HOLY SHIT. TWENTY FOUR?!) years ago:

Notice the shirt? Lobo! Notice the eyes? LSD!

This issue begins in Penn City where somebody dropped a Buddhist Love Bomb in a garbage can. At least that's what I think is in the garbage can based on the first three panels. The bomb is the head of some poor bastard with a grenade strapped in his mouth in the way that your lover straps a ball gag in your mouth before your lover pegs the fuck out of you. Also strapped to the bomb's head is a lotus flower. That's why I'm guessing it's a Buddhist Love Bomb. I just now typed "Lotus Flower" into Google to see if I maybe shouldn't just be saying "Lotus" and Google's predictive text added "bomb" to the end of it. Holy shit, is that a real thing?! No, no. It looks like it's a rap song by Wale featuring Miguel. Remember that bit about how old I am? Yeah, never heard of that song.

Later, the Justice League of America has decided to give a press conference to basically say they're better than the Justice League and more in touch with the common people and probably way more patriotic in that they have "America" in their name, in case you missed that part. Batman does not attend because he's a public relations nightmare. He would probably just tell all of the reporters that their questions were stupid. Oh! Is Batman's secret identity Sean Spicer?!

Vixen tells everybody that the JLA used to call their base the "Secret Sanctuary" but that that seemed way too pedophiliac for their liking. Plus, if a reporter heard that before they had claimed it at this press conference, it probably would have cast suspicion on their organization. So instead, they're opening up the front half of the mountain to the public and calling it Mount Justice! People should feel free to come by to file complaints and drink some free coffee and possibly be seduced by Lobo.

Duh, Lana Lang! That's practically the definition of America! Although Vixen left out the "according to our own interests and with complete disregard to the will of the populace of the country we're sticking our noses into" part.

Ben Rubel, Supergirl's rival and future fuck interest, points out that according to the rumor mill, Lobo has taken "countless" lives, so why is that maniac on the team? Most of the other reporters have previously hit puberty, so they already know the answer to that question. It's easy to forgive somebody for genocide when you want to fuck their alien brains out. Vixen says Lobo will save one life for every one he's ever taken. That's impossible! I bet even if he single-handedly saves every life on Earth from some massive comet or alien invasion, he still won't be close to saving a life for every one he's killed! Hopefully he can save the same life multiple times and it will still count.

Olivia Ortega, some reporter from Gotham who isn't Vicki Vale for some reason, asks why Batman isn't at the press conference. Vixen says Batman stands by whatever she says instead of saying, "We're in Rhode Island, honey. Gotham is not in Rhode Island. Duh." I think I'd be as bad as Batman at press conferences.

Oh ho! What a clever retort, The Ray!

I guess Frances Rock is Frank Rock's granddaughter. I bet her high school clique was called "Easy Company." Sex joke!

Nikos Aegeus (otherwise known as simply Aegeus) got his start in terrorism when he met a blind and crippled Bellerophon² who gave him the means to tame Pegasus and a quiver of Zeus's thunderbolts. Now he sells weapons created from folklore! That sounds exciting! Plus, it shows he respects rap music enough to realize it's impact on folklore and culture. Unless he thought up the Lotus Flower Bomb due to some other story from The Bible that I don't remember. I mean, it could be from somewhere else but like I said earlier (or later since it's in a footnote), The Bible has all the stories in it.

Aegeus is currently attempting to sell a bunch of wacky weapons to The Whispers gang from Gotham. And since it's still dark, I'm guessing it's not yet tomorrow (which is the only day Ray pointed out everybody doesn't work under Aegeus's terrorist threat. I suppose the day after tomorrow, they'll get back to it).

Oh, so Batman can maim but Lobo³ isn't allowed? What a fucking bat-jerk.

I guess the plan is for Lobo to beat up all of Aegeus's men (carefully, so as not to maim them, of course! Lobo is totally known for being careful!) while the rest of the team have coffee and cakes? That sounds good to me! More Lobo! Less all the other dimwits!

Lobo accuses Batman of being a dick and Batman is all, "I don't have to explain myself to you!" So Lobo is all, "Cool, cool." Then he flips Bats off British Style and walks off to do his job. I hope he kills a few people every job and hides them before Batman can see and Batman, thinking Lobo's "honor" keeps him from doing all sorts of stuff Batman never actually specified in the beginning of the deal, lives in enough of a state of denial to keep from noticing. But then it'll come out that everywhere the Justice League of America has been, bodies begin turning up buried all around the places they battled! Then Superman will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Alfred will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Vixen will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And the government will be all, "You are an accessory to these murders and are sentenced to life in prison!"

Lobo beats up some bulldozers and then breaks into the Mayor's Office where Aegeus and his men are holed up.

Uh oh! I think that constitutes maiming!

Lobo is suspicious of Batman's reasons for bringing him on the team. My guess is that he's the team hit-eater. You send him in first when you're unsure of the weaponry of the enemy and then figure out a plan based on how badly Lobo's body has been damaged by the attack.

Lobo greets Aegeus with a great line I'm not bothering to scan. Lobo's met with a spear to the chest which drops him to his knees because it's covered in a poison that halts regeneration. Oh no! Is that all it's taken, all this time, to kill Lobo?! Seems like a bit of a cheat. Like how almost everything nowadays is immune to Green Lantern Light. It's always about negating the thing that's too powerful instead of coming up with an imaginative way to make the too powerful thing interesting in terms of story. Although, really, this is kind of clever because Aegeus is using ancient weapons from folklore and, apparently, this poison was used by Heracles.

While Lobo and The Atom (he was hiding in Lobo's underwear) deal with Aegeus, the rest of the Justice League of America chastise the residents of Penn City. They also give them some hope that they'll drive the main employer out of town and then Batman will cut them all checks so they stop acting like criminals. Or maybe Wayne Industries will just set up a weapons manufacturing plant in the city himself since the citizens all of experience crafting weapons now. And Batman doesn't mind weapons being created as long as, like America, he's in control of them.

Lobo gets blasted out of the Mayor's Office and into the park next to the Justice League of America where he reports that he failed and is probably dying. Then he points out that Aegeus's army hasn't been destroyed and they're right behind them flying in on a battalion of chimeras. I guess next issue, everybody will be killed by chimeras.

The Ranking!
I know Lobo won't die. But I'm just going to point out that if he did happen to die, or he just happened to be removed from the team, or if he in any way stops appearing in this comic book, it will no longer be the best comic book that DC currently publishes. It will, in fact, be the worst one because I will punish it more harshly than I'd punish a comic book written and drawn by Rob Liefeld with a back-up story by Ann Nocenti.
_____________________________
¹Okay, that was a cheap shot. The Bible actually has some quite beautiful poetry in it. It's just that the people who believe it's more than it is that make me want to shit all over it. Plus, everybody who is interested in Western Literature needs to fucking read The Bible. If you don't know The Bible and you think you understand every book you read or every movie you watch, you need to think again. You're almost certainly missing several themes and allusions and references to biblical stories. Hell, you even need to know The Bible to understand Bugs Bunny's biggest contribution to insulting asshats.
²I highly recommend John Barth's Chimera as well as pretty much anything written by John Barth. Although some of his books seem a bit too much like work so you might want to start with his shorter stuff which will get you intrigued enough to slog through the really long shit. Although I'm not sure if Giles Goat-Boy was really worth the effort I expended on it. Although I did masturbate a few times to the scene with the summer dress. Woo boy! Good stuff! I wonder if I should attempt to read The Sot-Weed Factor again or just reread The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor?
³What's up with Lobo's hair? He looks like Bon Jovi! This is getting perilously close to another version of Twat Lobo!

Batman Loves The Shadow #1

Oh boy! They're so going to bat fuck!

I didn't want to buy this comic book but my local comic book shop put it in my pull box and I was too timid to tell them I didn't want to purchase it. Plus Orlando has a hand in writing it so Snyder can't fuck it up that bad, right? I really don't trust Scott Snyder to write anything interesting anymore. I should have known he was a huge fraud when he wrote Superman Unchained and he made the same mistake that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco had both made in earlier New 52 titles: he confused Antarctica with the Arctic. Plus it's Snyder's fault that I now have to read so many mediocre DC Comics written by James Tynion IV.

The second main reason I didn't want to purchase this comic book (after Snyder having a writing credit) is that I know nothing about The Shadow. I know The Shadow knows shit. But that's like all I know. According to the cover, he also uses guns. So I have a feeling we're going to get a philosophical discussion between Batman and The Shadow on the ethics of murdering criminals.

The issue begins in the French Alps where Henri Ducard guzzles wine and shows Bruce Wayne his enormous sword.

Is this comic an adaptation of an upcoming JRPG?

Bruce Wayne has uncovered a mystery that even he, the world's greatest detective, can't solve. So he's come back to Ducard for more training. I imagine Ducard will point out that he's not doing the father of the kid who murdered his kid and looks at his granddaughter with naughty eyes any favors. And then I imagine Bruce Wayne will pull out his check book and say, "Would you do it for five brazillion dollars?" Then they'll make out because drinking wine that high in the Alps always ends up in gay sex. Always.

A week previous to Bruce and Henri performing Swan Lake with their penises, a chipper man who worked at Arkham Asylum was found murdered in his house next to his two-legged dog. I suppose the readers are supposed to feel empathy for this guy because he had a handicapped dog and because he took the time to bring the various inmates at Arkham some of their favorite foods. But since he was murdered, I'm going to believe he was a fucking pedophile and totally deserved it. I'm not falling for any more authorial manipulation! Unless it's digital and rectal.

Renee Montoya is left to investigate the scene on her own so that Batman can stop by without any extraneous scenes where the cops try to arrest him.

I have to say that I'm not totally shocked to discover Batman is into necrophilia.

Batman sets up his "Bat-Ops Forensic Overlay" which is the kind of technology that would help police departments all over the country solve murders but Batman selfishly keeps to himself so that he can remain the world's greatest detective. While the Bat Ops does all of the grunt work so that Batman can pretend he used his brains to solve the murder, he's attacked by a shadowy assailant! I wonder who it could be?! If only there were a clue in the adjective I used!

Batman kicks the assailant out of the window and chases him onto a nearby roof where they can have their Good Guy Fight without Renee Montoya interrupting. Hopefully they realize quickly that they're on the same side and they're working the same case and the victim was a child diddler who most readers were all feeling sympathy for for a bit (mostly because of the poor doggy that couldn't know any better that his owner was a pervert).

Batman's combat partner says some thing about some guy named Patrick so that Batman can say, "But how do you know that?! Hunh? How do you KNOW!?" That's when the guy reveals his identity and laughs, "The Shadow knows! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Then he shows his guns to Batman and disappears before The Joker's lawyers show up with a cease and desist in regards to all of that laughing.

L'esprit d'escalier.

Batman does some investigating and discovers that The Shadow's facial features match the features of a man named Lamont Cranston who died in 1963 of cancer. The pedo dog lover victim's name was also Lamont Cranston! Duh duh DUN!

Batman's investigation eventually leads to The Shadow's hideout in Gotham City. He probably lives on a floor between the Court of Owls' floor and the 14th floor. Inside The Shadow's lair, he finds a picture of his grandfather and some weapons that match the weapon used to murder Arkham's Lamont Cranston. He also finds a training sword that matches Henri Ducard's huge fucking sword. That's why the issue began a week into the future with Bruce Wayne meeting with Henri Ducard. And now that the issue is almost over and the readers know why he's there, the narration returns to the French Alps.

After Batman lays out all the shit he found on The Shadow, he presses Ducard to help him. That's when Ducard changes shape and become The Shadow! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

The Ranking!
This was okay, I suppose. But I'd probably rather read a story where Batman teams up with a character I care something about. Who is The Shadow? I don't really know and I don't fucking care, really.

Justice League of America #4

In my memory, this is every cover of Justice League International.

The Review!
Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo? Lobo Lobo! Lobo, Lobo Lobo.

Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo, Lobo, Lobo, Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo.

Lobo!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo; Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. LOBO!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Black Canary's Tits Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo.

The Ranking!
+Lobo!

Supergirl #8

Check it out, kids! A free digital comic book on this $3.99 comic book that used to cost $2.99! What a deal!

So DC Comics has decided they can no longer draw the line at $2.99 on monthly comic book titles. But what they can do is distract everybody with a free digital comic code! I'm super angry about this right now! Not because I have to pay an extra dollar on the monthly comic books but because I could be talking about Emerald Empress's tits! I particularly like the giant one leaking milk in her right hand! Wowzers!

The story begins with Kara being excited by a visit from her cousin, Superman. That's because she's forgotten that the only time he comes to visit her is to criticize the way she chooses to live her life. It's always "Wear underwear when flying around the city!" or "Don't stick the Kryptonian memory crystals in your vagina!" and "Stop immediately punching people in the face when you meet them!" and "Stop constantly exploding your vagina!" He has a lot of advice on what she should do with her vagina. Krypton is a lot more like Earth than people realize.

Why would he bring up the time she died as an example of cousins getting together?! That's not sexy at all!

Supergirl is about to remember how awful visits from her cousin can be when he begins to explain that today is a Kryptonian holiday: The Day of Truth! On this day, "Kryptonians tell only the truth, no matter how blunt or brash." Holy fuck. That sounds like the worst holiday ever. I have a feeling most Kryptonians took the day off work and locked themselves in a dark room until it was over. The problem with that kind of holiday is that most people's "truths" aren't truths at all! They're just terrible opinions a person thinks which they want to label as truth so they don't sound quite as horrible expressing them. What The Day of Truth really sounds like is a woman's every day experience on Twitter as sea lions harass them endlessly with "logic" and "reason" and "polite discussion." And of course Superman's first thought on The Day of Truth was to go harass Supergirl with some of his "truths." I said it at the end of the last commentary when he appeared! Superman only visits to tell Supergirl how she's living her life incorrectly. Even when she died in the crisis on infinite Earths, Superman made it all about him!

How about saying, "Go to hell, you prick! Why aren't you spending the day with Lois, hmm? Is it because you know this holiday sucks ass and you'll just wind up saying a bunch of shit you'll regret later?!"

I bet Superman totally just made up this day.

I wonder if the Kryptonian Fox News affiliate had to go off the air on this day?

Luckily for Superman (because if Kara is going to tell the truth, Kal's about to get buried in some), Emerald Empress begins attacking a cement mixer in downtown National City. So instead of attacking each other in the spirit of the holiday, Supergirl and Superman fly off to speak some truth to Emerald Empress. If Superman doesn't say, at least once, "You are so fit!", I won't believe he's taking the day seriously.

Supergirl can't remember why Emerald Empress is mad at her. That makes sense since Emerald Empress is from the future. She's probably mad about however this battle ends. Also, she has apparently already tracked down Saturn Girl in Arkham Asylum and learned that Supergirl destroyed her life. Again, I'm betting Supergirl destroys her life because Emerald Empress attacked her for no reason on the Day of Truth (even if the reason is that Kara destroyed Emerald Empress's life because she attacked her on the Day of Truth for no reason).

Supergirl explains that magic cannot hurt iron. And she says it out loud on the Day of Truth, so it must be truth. But I think she's wrong about that! I think the iron has to be smelted by a Rabbi or spit on by a priest before it can become an anti-magic talisman. I don't think Ford built their engines out of anti-magic iron. I definitely know Volkswagen didn't!

Supergirl defeats Emerald Empress with an engine block so Emerald Empress teleports away but not before truthfully saying, "This isn't over! Lots of people hate you! You might want to reconsider punching people in the face when you meet them!" Meanwhile, Batgirl voyeurs through batnoculars from a building across the way. I bet she just solved the Mystery of Supergirl's Missing Underpants!

Superman and Supergirl fly off to the Fortress of Solitude to eat dinner with Clark's family on the Arctic Express. I don't know why there is a train sitting outside the Fortress but I'm sure the reason can be found in a Golden Age story I've never read.

So she can't use contractions but she understands the way we categorize extended family? I don't even understand that shit!

After dinner, Superman and Supergirl play catch between the Earth and the Moon using the Supermobile. I would have used the Bottled City of Kandor.

Since it's the Day of Truth, Superman finally gets around to what he wants to discuss. He needs to tell Supergirl about how he is now the Superman of every DC Universe. I know Superman Reborn only showed two merging but that was probably due to limited space and/or artist error. I won't believe that DC needed to fix Preboot Superman by integrating him with New 52 Superman. That's like pissing in a milkshake to make it more palatable. No, Preboot Superman has definitely integrated with all of the Supermen that have ever appeared in any non-Elseworlds DC Comic book. And in so doing, apparently, he's changing all of the other characters into their united forms as well! The only thing stopping the process from being truly complete is a tiny dicked blue man on Mars.

Don't think about it too hard or for too long! Shh, shh. Just let it be.

Meanwhile, Simon Tycho apparently isn't a gelatinous butler encased in crystal (unless he became a sentient AI unit in Supergirl's Underwater Fortress of Secret Shame?) anymore. He's back running Tychotech and stealing technology and generally doing bad corporate things and pretending he's not a poor man's Lex Luthor. Also involved in corporate espionage (probably)? Batgirl! Everybody is looking into the rumor that Tychotech has developed (or, you know, stolen) the next big step in green energy. Catco, the DEO, and Batgirl's company (whatever it was called. Luke Fox's Cock Industries?) are interested!

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book became so much better when Cyborg Superman was removed.

Justice League of America #3

Whatever the Greek word is for the cover of this comic book, I'm a that-phile.

Officially, I'm not complaining that Lobo is on Batman's Justice League of America. Batman has a history of keeping raging psychopaths on the team so he can keep an eye on them or maybe punch them once in the face causing enough brain damage to change their personality (Fun Fact: Batman's punch to Guy Gardner wasn't the first time Guy Gardner suffered brain damage! Why aren't people cutting him some slack for his grievous brain injury?!). Also, his team composition is supposed to represent America so Lobo obviously represents the uneducated, violent, xenophobic working class (but a working class that believes hard work and reputation are the most important qualities in a person¹!). But (remember: not officially complaining here!) it does seem odd that for a person whose got a rule set like Fight Club where the first few rules are all the same rule, and where those rules happen to be "No killing!", it seems a bit hypocritical to place Lobo on your team. Maybe hypocritical is the wrong word. Maybe I should say arrogant. Batman actually thinks he can keep Lobo in check simply because he manipulated Lobo's sense of honor to always finish a contract? Seriously, I don't think Lobo has to do everything Batman says just because Lobo casually said, "I owe you one for free." I don't think Lobo would allow Batman to make that "one" into "Work for me for an indefinite period while not killing anybody at all and you probably also shouldn't fuck any Earthlings without their consent and maybe also learn to use a plunger."

The best part about comic books is that they're so fucking ridiculous. That's why I'm not officially complaining. Technically, I'm never officially complaining about anything that happens in a plot or about anything a character does (no matter how out of character it might seem to me since who am I to think I know better²?). My only real complaints are how terrible a writer or artist does their job. And often I don't complain enough about that because I pretend that the problem lies within the story and complain about the story instead of just saying, "Cullen Bunn's writing can be described by the most horrific metaphor imaginable³!" So being that comic books are utterly ridiculous by nature, I don't care about the logic behind Lobo being on the Justice League of America. I'm just thrilled that he is!

Last issue, Lord Havok became the king of Kravia. Now he's threatening the neighboring country of Gardevia. Not explicitly, of course! He's just all, "I won't stand for your people acting in a way that I won't stand for! If you don't do something about it, somebody else will! Hint, hint!" Then he apparently hits on her.

I'm going to try this line at the Karaoke Bar next week!

The people of Kravia start brewing rebellion. It's a lot like making a melting pot except more violent and with less racial epithets. Also, the melting pot thing was actually pretty violent. It turned out a lot of people just wanted Eggs Benedict. Actually, the ingredients in Eggs Benedict are probably too melting potty itself! It just sounds so white!

So, um, anyway, the rebels (two people, so far!) are sitting around a bar discussing how they're going to oust Lord Havok when Batman and the Justice League of America stroll in and are all, "Is this where the revolution is brewing?! We're here to advance our own interests in the guise of helping!" It's too bad Lord Havok doesn't have a World's Greatest Detective on The Extremists or he could have sussed out the rebellion himself. Batman is so smart to know where to find these political hooligans!

Lobo's kneepad looks like an eighth member peering through the door. "Hello there! Mr. Skully-Stars here! I'm British!"

Apparently Lobo tracked Bogna to her hidden den of rebellion. He makes sure to point it out before uninformed morons like me start giving Batman all the credit. I'm sorry, Mr. Lobo! I don't know what I was thinking! Why am I still giving credit to Batman? It's obvious you manipulated him into forming this team so you can have a nice relaxing vacation on Earth. And as a good guy, maybe you'll get to date Wonder Woman too!

Dammit. Now I want a Lobo team up book in the style of The Brave and the Bold. But he only teams up with female heroes who have become sexually intrigued by him! I hope what I just typed in that last sentence doesn't mean he did something disgusting to their buttholes. By sexually intrigued, I just meant they were interested in finding out what he has to offer in the love bathroom. Hmm, that sounded even more like something disgusting just happened to somebody's butthole. I'm so turned on right now!

You know what two words I can't stand? Capital and capitol. Stop purposefully trying to be confusing⁴!

The rebellion's only request of the Justice League of America is to overthrow Havok and The Extremists. After that, they'll take care of the rest. I thought Bogna was going to be way too proud to ask the Justice League of America to do practically everything! The nerve!

While the rebellion foments, Lord Havok visits the neighboring countries to tell him all about his open palm slash fist metaphor. One of the countries he visits is Zandia and he's all, "This place sucks in this timeline. Get it together, Rebirth!" I don't recognize any of the other countries. That means they're probably real!

Remember how I just figured out last issue that The Extremists were parodies of Marvel heroes? I just remembered it myself! And that also means that the cover is even more exciting than I first thought! It's a rematch between Lobo and Wolverine (albeit a lousy parody Wolverine but I'm honoring the sentiment!). And this time the fight had better not take place off panel behind a bar! And also, Lobo had better win! What a stupid rip-off that last fight was. Nobody really believed Wolverine could beat Lobo. The vote was rigged! It was all politics! It was a popularity vote! If comic book fans had the ability to use logic and not just their nerd boners for certain characters, it would have been totally obvious to the Wolverine fans that the Lobo fans were being totally logical and scientific in voting for Lobo to win.

Gross. His world must stink. Also, how can you trace any scent when you can smell everything?! I'm surprised Tracer can speak or use a toilet since most of his brain must be used in sorting scents.

I hope Lobo wins the battle by farting directly into his face.

The only fight I want to read about now is the battle between Lobo and Tracer. All those flexing muscles! Maybe a bit of clothing torn off in just the right spots to see a little inner buttock or maybe the slight wrinkling of a scrotum! Nipples hard and quivering through the sweat of physical exertion! Their lips coming closer and closer as they threaten each other with outrageous tortures! Oh man. I'm so turned on right now!

Killer Frost and The Atom battle Death Bat (who just killed her teammate Brute who had been sent to kill her for being weak. Ha ha. Who's weak now, et tu Brute? Did that sound intelligent?). It's the worst battle because Death Bat does that thing where a comic book villain knows more than they should know so that they can use it against the heroes. So she happens to know that none of the team really trusts Killer Frost and tries to use that to make Killer Frost doubt herself. Instead, Killer Frost is all, "I've changed! And you can change too! I mean, people seem to accept a hero with the name Killer Frost. Death Bat probably won't go over too bad either!"

Black Canary fights Gorgon and judging by his tentacle hair, it's bound to be the sexiest fight of them all.

Hee hee. Eyes up. He's looking at her cleavage! Or, at the very least, I'm looking at her cleavage!

What's with female super heroes in cool boots refusing to lace them? Is that a form of martial arts I don't know about? Like drunken style? Tripping over your laces fu?

The Ray battles Dreamslayer although it's not much of a battle. It's more of a therapy session. Ray is all, "Why aren't you being as mean and violent as the rest?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Because I'm afraid of the monster that I might become!" And The Ray is all, "You're gay, right?" And Dreamslayer is all, "Kiss me!"

Okay, maybe that scene only happened in my Masturbationarium.

Wink, wink!

Batman, Vixen, and the Rebellion go after Lord Havok on the throne. When they break into the throne room to punch him in the face, he's all, "I've already won! I made diplomatic deals with the surrounding nations that were only based on about 95% threats! That means they'll stand behind me and not you! I mean...that's how it works, right? Wait. Did I miscalculate?" And he did miscalculate but not in the way he was thinking. He miscalculated by not killing Batman in the first issue and then by not keeping an eye on Batman ever since that moment and then by not realizing Batman had infiltrated his inner sanctum! Idiot.

Batman steals Havok's shield off of his back so he can stand there looking like Captain America. You know, just in case Steve Orlando had to sell this script to Marvel!

Oh, and Lobo's battle with Tracer lasted one panel where Lobo put out his cigar in Tracer's eye. That was almost as bad as the fight behind the bar and the hand reaching up for the cigar to indicate who won! Which could have been either Lobo or Wolverine, so it shows the scene was already written long before the votes were tallied! All it needed was the colorist to choose the correct palette!

The Ranking!
Obviously this is the best comic book DC is currently publishing. Obviously that is an objective assessment and not the rantings of a total Lobo fanboy.

_________________________________
¹As long as that person is white.
²I'm Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, dammit! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!
³I'll let you come up with the metaphor because I don't want a bunch of offended people trying to ruin my life. I mean, I can think up some really offensive metaphors! So bad! They're in their right now, dancing around inside my mind doing the most horrible things to each other. So terrible!
⁴Of course, just like every other confusing thing in English, it only takes a brief overview to clear up the confusion forever. So people who don't know when to use who and whom are just being purposefully ignorant! And I know purposefully ignorant!