Super sonS #3

ULTIMATE DANCE PARTY!

The Review!
-1 Ranking! Damian and Jon bicker and argue as they fight robotic versions of themselves created by Kid Amazo. Neither kid is likable in this context. Every time Damian meets a new person, do I have to be exposed to his penchant for being a complete and utter arrogant dick to them? I like Damian but I'm growing tired of the superficial, lazy way of writing his character. He's a blowhard who has to constantly state how much better he is than everybody else when I just wish he'd grow up (just a smidgen!) and prove he's better than everybody while keeping his fucking trap shut. And Jon is just portrayed as Damian's constantly kicked dog. How many issues did it take for Damian to supposedly become best friends with the Teen Titans? Can we just get to that point here as well? I want to see these two kids get along. If Damian really wants to be a better Batman, he can start by treating his Superpeer better than the way Batman treats his.

There was also a robot girl who's not entirely a robot because she's also a little girl (but a robot!). It's not as Japanese sexy as it sounds because did you not read where I said she was a little girl?! Pervert.

Super sonS #2

How come sidekicks aren't constantly getting hauled in by local police for crimes like loitering and being young in public?

This issue has a prologue just like the first issue. And just like the first issue, it's about that kid who's a big jerk and lives in a movie studio. This prologue reveals he can become three jerks at once. He does that so he can murder his mother, father, and brother all at the same time. Too bad he couldn't become four jerks because his little sister makes a run for it while he makes sure the readers know his superhero name is Kid Amazo. Not that he's actually a hero. Most of them don't murder their family. They wait for the family to be murdered and then they become a superhero. I think if you do it the other way around like Kid Amazo, you're most likely a super villain.

Speaking of getting hauled in by the local police for youthful indiscretions, Damian and Jon have just been caught trespassing on the side of LexCorp's building by Lex Luthor. Being that he's still confused by The New 52 and Rebirth and Infinite Crisis and Zero Hour and all the rest of DC's universes that have come crashing down into the brains of every DC character in an effort to satisfy every fan except the most obsessed and virginal, Lex Luthor doesn't recognize Superboy or Robin.

Damian drops Superboy off the side of the building so that he can escape. He winds up on the roof and breaks into LexCorps to explore an unmarked level in the schematics he memorized. On the ground, Superboy kicks Luthor in the face and gets away. The only reason Luthor is having trouble battling a child is because he's supposed to be a good guy now. Normally, he would just shoot the kid in the pancreas and rifle through the kid's velcro wallet.

No wait. He catches him. How could I have ever doubted the world's smartest man?

I bet the world's smartest woman is Doctor Veritas the Omniologist. I know I shouldn't acknowledge her existence since she was created by Scott Lobdell but I can't help it. I'm compelled to remember the stupidest things ever written in comic books.

It looks like it won't be long before Jon isn't allowed to play with Damian anymore.

Damian and Jon get away while Lex tries to disarm a bunch of fake bombs Damian set up as distractions. I guess Lex Luthor isn't the smartest guy on Earth! He's not even the smartest adult in the room. It takes some doing to not be the smartest person in the room when you're the only person in it. But I've been there. Sometimes I sit in my office after typing a comment about how I'm going to suck Tom King's dick to thank him for The Omega Men and then Mark Russell walks in on us and is hurt that I'm not sucking his dick for Prez and I think, "I'm not the smartest guy in this room, am I?" I should hang my college degree on the wall so I can at least feel smart due to paying loads of money to read books for four years without somebody yelling at me to get a job.

Damian's plan was to steal Lex's security footage so he could get a glimpse of the person who broke into LexCorps a few nights ago. It's Kid Amazo! That probably shouldn't have sounded like such an exciting revelation. What did you think all those prologues were doing at the beginning of these comics? Obviously it was going to tie in to Damian and Jon's story!

When is Damian going to invite Superboy to join the Teen Titans? Is he too young to get a handy from Starfire?

Using some of Superboy's skills and some of Damian's skills, they determine the kid who broke into LexCorps was fourteen year old Reggie Meyer from Providence. The kid still has his powers from The New 52 Amazo Virus. That's why he can split into multiple versions of himself. I guess that means it's time to track him down.

Clark and Lois totally know Jon is missing by now, right? They're farm parents! They have to look in on their kid sleeping four or five times a night to smile lovingly and sigh.

Oh come on! Starfire is at least 34! At least she's as horny as a 34 year old.

Robin and Superboy find Kid Amazo's dead family. Superboy thinks they should call their parents but Robin is all, "No way! Fuck him! Did you hear what I just said? I said fuck! Nobody can stop me from swearing!" But Superboy doesn't listen. He leaves the scene of the crime and runs into Kid Amazo's kid sister in the woods nearby. He promises to help her while Robin continues to look for clues. Meanwhile, Batman and Superman have stopped by to say "-TT-" and "Your mother is worried!", respectively. Did I use respectively correctly? It's not like anybody would have been confused about who said what anyway.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm really upset for Superboy that Robin didn't invite him to the Teen Titans simply because he's not a teen. There's no way Starfire is a teen. Unless the planet Tamaran has a much longer orbit than Earth. I suppose she could be fifteen by Tamaranean reckoning even if she's definitely no less then 34 in Earth years. I'm also surprised nobody has killed an animal yet. Maybe Patrick Gleason is the one who has a boner for murdering animals. Hopefully Batcow won't be forgotten. Maybe she'll eventually go to live on the Kent's farm! I know they were the Smiths. But I figure since the Blue and Red Electric Superman and Lois Lane have merged, and Mr. Mxyzptlk has fixed Superman's identity problem, they'll go back to being Kents.

Super sonS #1

Why couldn't Jon have been a Martha?

Sometimes people wonder why I discuss Donald Trump. Mostly they wonder that because the things I write are less than flattering towards Trump and his supporters. But I'd like to point everybody to Trump's February 16th, 2017 Press Conference. It's evidence for why I often point out Trump is a moron and anybody who thinks otherwise can't be too smart either. I'll allow that some people support Trump even though they know he's a gigantic idiot, even if I have no idea what those people are thinking. But if anybody can listen to the guy speak and think he even has an average intelligence, they are obviously just as stupid as he is. I don't mean that as an elementary school playground insult. I'm not screaming "Ha ha! You're so stupid!" just to get a rise out of a person. I'm just stating a verifiable fact. The guy has no idea what he is talking about, ever. He lies about everything and then excuses his own lies by saying, "Well, that's what I heard." And he can't form one single coherent sentence whenever he's speaking off the cuff. Hell, even when he has a speech in front of him, he can't help interrupting himself and mangling the entire thing. The guy is a fucking idiot and anybody who thinks he isn't is also an idiot. Again, that's a fact and not an insult! You just can't be smart if you think he's smart because he so obviously isn't.

The Review!
This story has a prologue! It's about a kid who has a family. But the family is super scared of the kid. See, he's also a super son, probably. But he uses his super incorrectly. He's using it to induce fear! But not in the correct way to induce fear like Batman! He makes people other than criminals fearful which is probably bad for some reason that I'd totally know if I had any kind of a moral compass.

The kid and his family live on a movie set. That'll probably be important later. Like it'll be some kind of lame commentary on reality television. Are people still upset by reality television? Since it hasn't killed well produced and well written shows, shouldn't we have moved past it feeling like a threat to writers, actors, and directors in the entertainment industry?

After the prologue is over, the real story begins. That's the part where Robin and Superboy are fighting robotic versions of themselves in a jungle. It would be more exciting if one of them was a daughter (although it would make the title a bit confusing).

No wait. I spoke too soon. The battle in the jungle might be the real story but it doesn't really begin there. It begins two days earlier in Hamilton County. That's where Jon Smith gets into a snowball fight with a bunch of bullies. The bullies don't resort to slush balls (which I can't help but think of rape when I mention them. Thanks a lot, Cosby, for tainting all of the your funny bits!); they put rocks in the snowballs. That doesn't sound like a cute idea at all although I always laughed when Mei would say, "I'm putting a rock in this one," in Mei's Snowball Fight in Overwatch. So I guess it's kind of cute and funny.

Damian shows up to win the snowball fight and show Jon that it's fun to shirk the rules. I don't think Jon is buying it. I wonder if this exact same script would work for a regular Superman and Batman story, with a few minor cosmetic changes, of course! Like school would be, um, traffic school! And the snowball fight would be an adult snowball fight with cussing!

Later that night, Damian visits Jon in bed.

Imagine how titillating this scene would be with adult Superman and Batman!

Later, Jon lies to Damian.

It was Jon White. Then Jon Smith. Is this Tomasi's way of saying, "You know what? Fuck it. They're back to being the Kents." Maybe they changed their names in the most recent Action Comics which I have yet to read.

Damian convinces Jon to get his Superboy kit on and head to Metropolis to investigate a mystery at LexCorps. While they're climbing the side of the building, Lex Luthor flies by to chastise them. Or maybe more than chastise them since that's the cliffhanger ending. I don't think Lex will do more than scold them though. Even Lex Luthor wouldn't punch young kids in the face. Would he?

The Ranking!
About average. I figure a Tomasi book about the Super and Bat kids will have some moments that get me right in the tear ducts but right now, it's exactly what you'd expect. Superboy being a good kid and Damian trying to push all of Superboy's buttons because Damian is an asshole.