Batman Loves Superman #3

Superman rubbing his nipples raw.

Maybe in this issue, Batman will figure out who the infected super heroes are by looking at the Batarang molds. But then again, probably not. Or he could just look at the solicits in Previews to see what special one-shot Infected comic books are being released in the near future.

On the first page, Batman explains to the reader why he's an asshole.

This is why writers should stay out of the heads of the heroes they write. Because they suck at understanding them and can't help projecting their own beliefs onto the heroes.

Have I mentioned that I don't care for Joshua Williamson's writing style?

In this scene, we see Batman explaining (to himself, I guess?) how trying to protect the world has led him down a dark path of invasion of privacy and broken trust. It's not totally Williamson's fault that he believes this is Batman. At some point, Batman became the greatest hero in the DC Universe because fangenders couldn't stop jerking themselves off about how he's just this normal man, you know, but he can defeat Superman! And to believe that, they had to believe that Batman is prepared to destroy every single hero in the DC Universe if it should come to that. Instead of just being this guy who is protecting Gotham and trying to serve justice, he's now this paranoid asshole who thinks he's the only person who can save the world. And being responsible for that means allowing yourself great latitude with your ethical and moral rationalizations. I'd argue that's not Batman though. That's what Batman has become as writers continually try to make sense of the character other writers have fucked up by trying to make sense of him.

The logic goes like this: Batman was just a guy with loads of money and no super powers. That made him pretty bad-ass. Fans loved him and he made DC a lot of money. Fans believed Batman was smart enough to defeat any hero with super powers and that's what made him so great. So writers began portraying him as being so prepared for any situation that he could defeat any hero gone rogue. DC loved to make heroes go rogue because they don't understand the point of their own heroes. But Batman was always there to stop them! Unless it was Batman who went rogue. But that hardly ever happens because who could stop Batman?! Once it was established that Batman was prepared to defeat any hero, writers began thinking, "Wait. That means Batman has a whole arsenal of weapons to use the heroes' weaknesses against them. Who does that?! A big jerk, that's who!" Which means now writers felt they had to deal with the side of Batman that was betraying the trust of his friends by constantly plotting against them. And the next step? To show Batman himself being aware of what a huge asshole he is and dealing with it!

Although if he saves the world, Batman doesn't really need to deal with the implications of his machinations, does he? He can just gloat and say, "I was right all along! Suck it!"

Last issue, I thought Superman had put on some Bat-Make-Up and gone undercover as a fake Joker version of himself. It turns out, he actually poisoned himself to do it because the risk was worth it, I guess? What a great plan! Have the most dangerous man in the world struggle against turning evil! Hey, why not? It's not like anything bad can happen because this is a story written by a writer who can decide, "Superman is stronger than the poison and what makes him so great is his will to do the right thing!" It's not like it's written by a writer who might think, "Why would Superman and Batman choose this course of action? It's way too fucking risky!"

Man, I wish this comic book were written by that writer.

Superman thinks, "Batman hates this plan. Too risky." But Superman was all in on this plan? Well, I'm glad to know Superman is a bigger asshole than Batman in this comic book. Fucking arrogant bastard is willing to risk the entire world because, as Batman states as his reason to go along with this plan, "We're out of options." Are you though? Are you really? The Joker Who Laughs was captured and the only option was to free him? What about looking at the fucking molds to see what other symbols were carved on the Batarangs-That-Laugh?

Okay fine. I guess I'll just accept that the symbols were carved onto the Batarangs-That-Laugh after they were molded. Although I'm absolutely certain that Josh Williamson never even considered it and he actually just fucked up the entire mystery by putting those symbols on the stupid things.

Of course, The Batman Who Laughs knows they're trying to play him because he's an evil genius and that's the only way a mediocre writer knows how to write one. Wouldn't it have been nice to see the plan actually work for once and they get some information they can use out of him and The Batman Who Laughs says, "What?! No! How dare you?!" And then he escapes to try to escalate his plan because now the good guys know some of the extent of it? No? You'd rather have this trite, overdone bullshit? Okay, okay! I guess I'm wrong! Calm down!

Continuing with this intriguing story that has me so intrigued my butthole has been clenched for the last ten minutes, Batman figures out another person infected by the Batman Who Laughs toxin is Commissioner Gordon. He figures this out from a clue given to him by The Batman Who Laughs. I figured it out two issues ago when Gordon laughed. Jeez, Batman. Take a detective course at Gotham Night College.

Batman is shocked — SHOCKED! — to discover somebody on the Batman Who Laughs toxin can be so darn mean.

The size of the above image, when I first scanned it, was 1776 pixels. That made me realize how crippling it must be for all those people who call into shows like Coast to Coast radio who see meaning in every fucking number they come across. I guess the above image was patriotic. Right up until I resized it down to 620 pixels! I know that statement would have had more impact if I resized it to a number that actually meant something (aside from the founding of Cholula, Mexico, of course).

Gordon's stupid argument (it's also crazy because he's on stupid crazy toxin) is that Batman is the cause of all the chaos in Gotham. Obviously that's wrong but Batman's defense composed of jumping on Gordon's van and causing him to careen wildly about the streets and running people off the road before he yanks Gordon out of the van to send it crashing into a small pile of children isn't great. I mean, I don't know if the van hit a small pile of children or not. The point is, Batman doesn't fucking know what it crashed into either. This scene shows why writers blame Batman for causing all of the chaos in Gotham. It's because idiot fucking writers write him causing fucking chaos in Gotham. Then they blame the character they made do those things! Fucking fuckers!

Is this a reference to The Killing Joke? Is Gordon threatening to shoot his daughter in the back, take naked torture Polaroids of her, and then God knows what else? Is Joshua Williamson that disturbing of a human being? Hmm, maybe I finally respect him.

Superman arrives to help by destroying Gordon's Batsuit and Batman is all, "I'd rather die than get help from you!" But even though he says that, he remains alive so I suspect he actually kind of likes getting help from Superman. Gordon reveals his main complaint about Batman is the way Batman leaves in the middle of every conversation. It's an obvious joke to make but I'd suggest maybe this particular moment isn't the time for jokes! No wait. It's exactly the right time for jokes! Man, The Joker is confusing. Am I supposed to be scared and tense or doubled over in laughter? Maybe if Batman just laughed at a few of The Joker's jokes once in a while, The Joker would calm the fuck down.

Instead of throwing Gordon's Batsuit into the bin behind the police station, Superman and Batman decide to overthink it. "Why would Gordon get out his Batsuit?" they wonder instead of thinking, "I guess Gordon needed extra fire power to battle us. But since Superman turned the Batsuit into a pile of metal, who cares? Get rid of it." Instead of assuming the obvious, they decide to take the suit back to the Fortress of Solitude to examine it. Examine it for what? Gordon was infected and he used his suit because he's a powerless old man. And guess what? That's just what the Batman Who Laughs wanted them to do! His plan was to realize that Superman and Batman would think the armor meant more than it does. And because of that, it does! Because hiding inside of it is Infected Blue Beetle! Ha ha! They fell right into his trap! What dumbies!

Don't think I'm infected because I typed "Ha ha." I assure you, I wasn't really laughing. Or amused in the slightest. I was more sort of exasperated and angry that Williamson wrote such an unbelievable plot point just to get Blue Beetle inside the Fortress of Solitude to take it over.

Batman Loves Superman #3 Final Thoughts: I hate myself because I'm going to keep reading this comic book. It is not well thought out at all. Sort of like my life which is maybe why I'm so intrigued by how it makes me feel (which is a kind of mix between self-loathing and horniness).

Batman Loves Superman #2

Hey DC! Stop portraying people who laugh as pure evil!

Now that I've just read this cover as Fatman/Pooperman, I can't get the thought out of my mind. I think my life is a version of The Matrix but I'm actually five years old in a kindergarten cubby hole dreaming my entire adult life. Man, I can't fucking wait to wake up and play another round of "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?"

When playing online multiplayer games, I often think, "I would have been happy to simply play Halo 2 year after year." But I think what I really mean is "I would have been happy to play Button, Button, Who's Got the Button? year after year." Maybe every now and then, I wouldn't mind taking a break to play Four Corners for a bit.

The only proof I have that I'm not dreaming the life I'm currently leading is that I don't have the imagination to come up with Ann Nocenti dialogue. That's purely from outside my own head. Philosophically, that means I know the universe consists of at least two people: me and Ann Nocenti. Does that also mean I have a responsibility to mate with her? Not that it would be possible. Her sex talk is almost certainly a boner killer.

I don't know what genius centrist character speaks first in this comic book but fuck them.

People love to make statements that make them sound above it all. Statements that let them get away with sounding like a logical and rational person while really exposing the terrible things they believe. "Weapons are only tools." The "only" in that statement speaks volumes. They're defending weapons. Weapons are neutral. They're beyond blame. They're innocuous. Their follow-up statement providing evidence to bolster the first statement, "means to an end," shows that they don't give a fuck about context. What "end" are you trying to reach if your tools are weapons? Silverware are only tools as well, a means to an end, but we know that the end reached by silverware almost certainly is simply an empty tub of ice cream as opposed to a school full of murdered children. Oh no! Look at me bringing up murdered children to play on the emotions of the audience! How dare I bring in a real world example of an end that the means of these mere tools brings about! If your defense of weapons are that they're simply tools to be used to reach a particular end, you can't just ignore that the "end" you're discussing in the most general terms is violence. Weird that people who can't wait to be attacked so they can kill somebody and prove that their choice to carry a weapon was the right one often try to distance themselves from the inherent violence of their beloved weapon.

The person speaking is Commissioner Gordon who laughed last issue so he's obviously a monster. I guess he's trying to point out that the real evil has been locked away at Arkham and the tools the evil people used aren't dangerous on their own which is why they've been locked in an armory outside Gotham City. He's come to liberate them with the help of a mystery person who has a sort of claw hand (Black Condor?!). A good writer would reveal who it was because they know that would get the reader really excited about Batman and Superman's confrontation with them. A good writer continually gives up surprising information. A mediocre writer hides as much as possible from the reader because it's the only way they can make a story suspenseful.

Meanwhile, Shazam has begun calling himself "Earth's Mightiest Nightmare." See, he usually calls himself "Earth's Mightiest Mortal" so you can see how hilarious his wordplay is. But don't laugh because you don't want to appear wicked to the people around you.

Bullshit. Batman absolutely wants to fight him.

Shazam uses his magic lightning to try to destroy Batman but Batman just dodges because he probably trained with Himalayan Lightning Dodgers years ago. When Shazam uses his magic for evil, The Phantom Stranger's nose bleeds and Zatanna gets severe cramps. I guess magic in the DC Universe is like the Force in Star Wars. It's disturbing and shit.

Superman almost gets the upper hand but, as I pointed out how the exciting battle might go last issue, Shazam turns back into Billy Batson to remind Superman he's fighting a child. So Superman is all, "Aw, shucks! I didn't mean nothing! You can fight it, Billy! Stop finding things funny!" But then Shazam is all, "SHAZAM! Fooled you!", and Superman is all, "D'oh!", and Batman is all, "SMDH."

But remember! Batman is the king of the DC Universe! So he's definitely got a way to stop Shazam. I bet he's got a Bat-Monkey's Paw in his belt with two wishes left on it. Batman doesn't like to talk about the first wish and why Alfred now has to care for that tiny pianist living in the terrarium in the study.

Batman doesn't use his Bat-Monkey's Paw to save the day but if you thought that idea was completely ludicrous, you'd better prepare your mind for Joshua Williamson's solution.

Batman finds the Batman Who Laughs Batwing, flies it up in the sky where Superman and Shazam are battling, and then, um, I don't know. He launches himself out the cockpit window against the g-forces of the accelerating Batwing? I suppose Batman learned to do this while training with the Sheep Hoppers of Aberdeen?

Um. Wait a second. Is Batman the greatest detective or am I because I think I just solved the mystery of the six heroes turned into Heroes Who Laugh.

The poison batarangs all have the symbols of the hero they're meant to infect on them! Just look more closely at the molds you found, idiots!

Shazam escapes because Superman held back and because Superman had to save Batman after Batman thought he could beat Shazam by crashing through the sturdy glass of a jet's cockpit while it was accelerating while only having a boomerang as a weapon. I guess Batman is only as smart as the writer writing him. He should have used his fucking Bat-Monkey's Paw.

Later at the Bermuda Triangle Fortress of Solitude, Batman and Superman note that each Batarang Who Laughs has been infused with a specific Batman Who Laughs Juice based on the DNA of the intended victim. What they don't notice is that the Shazam one was a lightning bolt on it and the Superman one has the Kryponian symbol for hope (I know. Lame back story on the "S" on Supe's chest) on it and that they found the fucking molds for six Batarangs Who Laugh. Which means the answer to who else has been infected is in their stupid hands! Unless I'm supposed to believe that the symbols were carved onto the Batarangs Who Laugh after the fact. Which I totally don't even though that would probably be the way to do it seeing as how you're probably going to want to eventually make more than just six heroes laugh. My real opinion on this situation is that Joshua Williamson didn't actually think it through very well.

Batman and Superman don't know what to do so they decide to pretend Superman was infected by Shazam. Shazam knows he didn't infect Superman but I'm sure he won't say anything to the Good Guys Who Laugh and ruin Batman and Superman's surprise when Superman goes undercover to work with the Batman Who Laughs. I'm sure failing to infect Superman so that Superman would have to pretend he's the Superman Who Laughs and thus free the Batman Who Laughs so he can find out the Batman Who Laughs plans is totally the Batman Who Laughs' plan. Because whatever the heroes do to stop the bad guys in the beginning of a story is always exactly what the bad guy knew the good guy would do. They're evil geniuses, remember! And Batman and Superman fell for it!

Batman Loves Superman #2 Rating: C. If you didn't read this comic book yourself for a real world example, let me tell you how a mediocre writer writes a comic book: first, the bad guy attacks the heroes rather than doing something criminal or evil while trying to avoid the attention of the heroes. That's because a mediocre writer doesn't know how to write heroes discovering crimes being committed and instead need the villain to wave a lot and shout and say, "Hey! Jerks! I'm doing crime!" Or, better yet, have the criminal's entire plan simply be "I will antagonize the heroes for petty vengeance!" After that, the heroes will fail to stop the criminal. Depending on how long the story is, the heroes will either have to redouble their efforts and super believe in themselves to rally and win the day or the heroes will begin plans to defeat the villain. If they begin plans which make them seem like they're getting the upper hand, those plans will always be exactly what the villain wanted to happen in the first place. The heroes will then be defeated again just when they thought they were going to win! At that point, they'll probably need to do the rallying thing where they just fight a little bit harder than they did before and believe a little bit more than they believed before to show their strength of character and will. Because good always has stronger will and greater strength of character than evil!

I really wish a writer would simply come up with a genius plan by the villain that isn't simply the villain saying, "They're falling right into my plans," after whatever the fuck bullshit the writer wrote. How these evil geniuses can plan such complicated and intricate plans that rely on knowing exactly what every hero is going to do is beyond my limited comprehension. I might even say it's contrived bullshit!

Batman Loves Superman #1

Batman teams up with a Superman pencil topper?

I was tricked into buying this comic book because I'm a comic book fan. If I were in the Star Wars Universe, I'd be getting Jedi mind tricked left and right. I couldn't leave a Jedi bar without wondering why my breath smelled like semen and I couldn't remember the last five hours. I'm not saying Jedis are rapists but if even the supposed most decent Jedi in the galaxy can fuck with some guy's mind who's just looking for a couple of droids, I have to assume that they're all abusing their mind powers in various ways. I think Ayn Rand was a Jedi because pointing out somebody has a weak mind seems to be the only excuse needed for manipulating that mind. Plus, it's too simple a theology to believe the Light Side is upstanding and non-problematic and the Dark Side is gross and cancelled. I bet the Dark Side has some really great ideas about how to run a small moon or death satellite. Why hasn't the Light Side ever come up with a super weapon? To be used for peaceful purposes, of course! Their main weapon is the lightsaber which looks like a baseball bat. Did none of them ever think, "Hey! The Death Star looks like a giant baseball! What if we build a fucking really fucking huge lightsaber?!" Shit, their training apparatus was a mini-death star that shoots lasers that Jedi must block. How could they not think about making a massive lightsaber to block Death Star bolts?! Fucking idiots. Dark Side all the way!

Oh, so as I was saying, I was tricked into buying this comic book! I don't care much for Joshua Williamsons's writing but I still picked this up because it sounded like I needed to if I were to understand everything happening in the DC Universe in the upcoming months. But then I should have thought, "Do I really want to understand any of it if Joshua Williamson is writing it?" But I didn't think that. I hardly think at all when I'm in a comic book shop. I just look around and go, "Ooh! The Batman Who Laughs! Ooh! Harley Quinn! Ooh! The Hulk's cock must be huge. Ooh! Another Terry Moore book where all the blonde women look like Katchoo so I'm often confused! Ew! Walking Dead is still employing Charlie Adlard to do art! Ooh! A new Chris Ware book so I can remember how dreadful existence is! Ooh! My retailer put a book I don't read in my pull box and I don't have the capacity to engage in the smallest amount of conflict that I feel will result in my refusing to buy it after they went through so much trouble! Ooh! How the fuck did I just spend fifty dollars on this shit?! Ooh! I hate myself!"

I didn't even read the previous Batman Who Laughs mini-series so why the fuck did I get dragged into this shit?! I also bought Issues one, two, and four of Event Leviathan but then stopped because I couldn't find Issue three and now I've wasted money on that series that I'll never even read. Fucking comic books. Why do I bother?

Oh yeah! Chris Ware is why I bother! I can't wait to snot cry my eyes out over Rusty Brown.

When did Perry White become interested in Batman and Gotham stories? Oh, that's right. When Joshua Williamson began writing him. Oh, and what editor puts a fucking exclamation point in their headline? Even "Dewey Beats Truman" didn't have any punctuation!

If Jimmy Oleson can get a picture of Batman from that angle, then somebody needs to begin investigating Jimmy Oleson. He might be Superman.

It's going to take me all night to read this one comic book if I keep getting bogged down in the details. Although the details are where all the fun is! The plot probably won't even be worth mentioning. I can probably state it right now without even reading the comic book! "The Batman Who Laughs introduces some kind of virus into the DC Universe which begins infecting heroes whom Batman and Superman need to sniff out and inject with Bat-Antidote." That's pretty much what the cover said and I don't expect it to get any more complicated.

While Clark is at work surrounded by his fellow employees (and employer!), Batman calls for Superman's help. Instead of excusing himself from the room, he simply disappears at super speed. I mean, he's fast so nobody will notice that he left without anybody noticing him leaving! Plus, Clark Kent's persona is so boring that I guess everybody just shrugs and thinks, "Was he even here? Who knows? *YAWN*".

The second page and Williamson is already losing me by having Superman engage in trite comic book philosophy. Think up better reasons for Superman to be better, you lazy jerk.

"You know why I don't punch people on the street? Because then I'd be like people who punch people on the street!" is a pretty lazy code of ethics. Even "I don't punch people on the street because I don't want to be punched on the street" would be better and even that's pretty much the bare minimum of being a good person. How about Superman doesn't treat bad guys like they treat people because he follows the teachings of Jesus, especially the bit about how the man with no sin should cast the first stone. And, no, that doesn't mean righteous people get to act like assholes, Tumblr. It means everybody should have a chance to redeem themselves and their past horrible behavior. It's an anti-death penalty statement made at a public execution. And it's not because Jesus doesn't want people to become like the convicted! It's because he understands that everybody throwing rocks has, at some point, done something for which they've needed forgiveness. And the only way to get forgiveness is to earn it through works and actions. And you can't do that if a bunch of self-righteous assholes on Twitter murder you with stones.

Fucking, Jesus, man. It's weird that I totally get what you're saying but I don't believe in you at all and there are millions of people who don't fucking understand you one bit but claim you as their Lord and Savior.

If you're not religious, just replace "Jesus" with "Gandalf" in the prior exchange and remember that Gandalf's lecture to Frodo about how we can't give life so why are we so quick to take life away is the reason Gollum survives to destroy the One Ring. Mercy and compassion and forgiveness are the only ways to allow for redemption. Oh, sure, Gollum never really redeems himself and the One Ring is only destroyed because Gollum is a greedy and clumsy asshole! But I think you're supposed to kind of ignore that part and just realize without him, Frodo would have become just as greedy but way less clumsy and Sauron would have won.

Anyway, that was Earth-Negative-Whatever's Superman thinking that trite bullshit so maybe I can let it go! I'm sure the Superman of Earth-Positive-0 has way more complex thoughts about moral superiority! Earth-Positive-0 Superman has been called to Gotham by Batman to discuss The Batman Who Laughs and his special serum. I didn't read The Batman Who Laughs but I assume Batman defeated The Batman Who Laughs in it. But it was close and Batman was forced to consider what could happen to the world if he ever stepped over that line! You know the line! Superman just said it in my previous scan! The line that Batman uses to prove that Batman doesn't believe in justice at all; he's just trying to keep from becoming a serial killer one day at a time.

Ugh. I forgot that in Batman Loves Superman comic books, we're subjected to this kind of constant Narrationg Boxing. And the more mediocre the writer, the more intolerable the "playful" thought exchanges.

Commissioner Gordon sends Batman and Superman on a mission to save some kid that was apparently kidnapped by a Superman Who Laughs. After Batman and Superman leave, Gordon laughs. Not much but it's a slight laugh. So I guess I'm supposed to suspect anybody who laughs is evil now? I guess I'll have to kill myself to save all of my loved ones from my gregarious personality! I'm a monster!

This is a trick question, right? More to the point, "What could Superman do that wouldn't stop Batman?!" I can think of about five thousand ways that Superman could stop Batman without even having thought about it before! They just all came to me as soon as Batman asked the question!

I get it. Readers of DC have been trained to believe that nobody can stop Batman. Batman always has a plan. Batman is always prepared. Batman will, if he has to, kill Superman to save the world. Except we also know that Batman won't kill or else that will make him no better than the bad guys! And if we assume that in the final battle between Batman and Superman that Batman will finally kill, maybe we should assume Superman will as well. And maybe we should assume that Superman isn't as naive as Batman thinks he is and that Superman will be killed by Batman in a surprise attack (like how the Batman Who Laughs kills his world's Superman in the beginning of this issue). Maybe Superman will just fly into space and incinerate Batman with his laser vision from orbit. Or maybe Superman will suck all of the oxygen out of a ten mile radius around Batman, knocking him (and everything else) unconscious after which Superman will eat his heart. Or maybe he'll just throw his unconscious body into the Phantom Zone. That's more Superman's way than the heart eating thing. That's more my thing, I guess, since I laugh so much I must be a truly sinister fuckmonster.

Batman winning the fight against Superman always has enough presuppositions in Batman's favor that everybody simply believes Batman can defeat Superman, any time and any place. But more to the point, Batman will probably always beat Superman because that seems to be the more challenging story for a writer to write. And they always want to attempt the more challenging story! I'd like to say more surprising too but, at this point in DC history, it would be more surprising if a writer chose to let Superman win.

You know how Batman has prepared to take out any other hero if they go bad? What if Superman has used his x-ray vision to give Batman super cancer that can be activated with one more small blip of x-ray vision, leading to Batman's ultimate demise. Sure, it'll probably take about six months but Superman can just hide in a quasar until then. I bet the residents of Kandor aren't actually dead! I bet Superman implanted them in Batman so they can end him at any time! They probably live rent free in Batman's brain!

If I don't stop, I'm just going to list all five thousand ways I figure Superman can kill Batman. I should probably keep the other four thousand, nine hundred, and ninety six ways of stopping Batman for future Batman Loves Superman commentaries.

Batman keeps pressing Superman about Superman's "What if Batman turns evil?" contingency plan. Batman is such a narcissist. What makes him think Superman would have any trouble stopping him?! I bet he's already given Alfred some special Kryptonian tea which causes impotence whenever the person who drinks it is around kryptonite which Batman surely noticed by now so he never has any kryptonite on him when he's out whoring around as Bruce Wayne which is when Superman will strike. Four thousand, nine hundred and ninety five ways left!

"Oh, uh, right. Sentimental!" replies Batman as he positions his bat cape to hide his bat boner caused by thinking about his sex toys.

Batman and Superman discover a mold for six batarangs which obviously means The Batman Who Laughed only made six batarangs with which to infect six heroes with Batman Who Laughs juice. And I'm sure they can only be used once because that makes it easy to follow the plot. Save six heroes and Batman and Superman win! And the first hero they need to save is Captain Marvel. Or is it Shazam now? I mean, it shouldn't be Shazam because then Billy Batson can't say his own superhero name without killing the power across several city blocks.

Of course Captain Marvel can kick Superman's ass. Captain Marvel is magic! But then again, he's also an inexperienced child. But then again, Superman wouldn't want to hurt a poor innocent child! So see? This fight is already more exciting than a Superman/Batman match-up where Batman would be a pile of ashes/broken bones/cancer in seconds!

I just remembered that this issue was called "Who are the Secret Six?" At first I thought, "Oh boy! The Secret Six will be guest stars. But then I realized, "Oh, see? Finding a mold that can make six batarangs at once obviously means it was just used once and only six heroes have been turned. I hope the big surprise will be Batman and Superman getting killed by six more turned heroes just when they let their guards down."

Batman Loves Superman #1 Rating: C. It gets an average grade because it's exactly what I expected written exactly as averagely as I expected plodding the same old Batman Loves Superman ground as I expected. And while I might normally drop the series, I'd forgotten how much fun it is to write about a comic book that I'm completely biased against! Hey, at least I admit it! Try reading one of those other comic book review sites that think they're objective and just see how much fucking garbage they'll recommend to you. I mean, the Weird Science blog loved Neal Adams' Deadman comic book! At least for a few issues before they could no longer make excuses for how thoroughly fucking awful it was! At least my review began with, "Holy fucking shit I think I just found the anti-Bible!" Or words to that effect. It would be narcissistic for me to remember every single word I've ever written!

Justice League Odyssey #2

Scanners have trouble with reflective surfaces. I wonder what would happen if I scanned a mirror?

Well, that's it for me! I scanned a mirror and the result was terrifying. I now owe Bloody Mary twenty dollars and am having the Candyman's baby. I'll see you all in Hell!

Ooh! Maybe I've accidentally transported myself into a mirror universe where I enjoy Joshua Williamson's writing! Although would that be a universe worth living in? It's not like I'd have become a different person where I had always enjoyed his work. I still have the memory of knowing he's a terrible comic book writer (even if he's not as terrible as Scott Lobdell, J.T. Krul, or Ann Nocenti. Although, in a way, he's worse because at least they're so bad that they're entertaining. Joshua Williamson's writing is as satisfying as cotton candy is to a raccoon). And if I'm reading Williamson's writing and thinking "This is enjoyable!" while also thinking "He's a terrible writer," I'm going to quickly begin hating myself (I'm assuming that in this mirror universe, I now totally love myself and don't think about death constantly). I guess there's no way to know if I've been transported into a mirror universe until I begin reading this comic book!

Ugh. This is, apparently, the same old universe. I still can't stand Jessica Cruz whose only personality traits are that she's a novice and suffers from anxiety. I also still can't stand Cyborg who's been around for nearly forty years and has yet to be given half the personality of a Jessica Cruz. And Azrael. I can't get started on how much I despise Azrael. Even if Knightfall had been the greatest comic book story arc to ever exist (which it is, by the way¹), I would still hate it because it gave us Jean Paul Valley, a character who is basically just a combination of Scrappy Doo and Cousin Oliver.

I think the main reason I'm reading this comic book that's written by a writer whose plots don't excite me and stars three characters I can't stand is that I forgot to drop it from my pull list.

Grade: C-. I suppose once you've read enough comic books, you've read all the comic books. This isn't a fault of the reader, of course! It's the fault of the lack of imagination of the writer! So here, once again, we have a villain (Darkseid) telling the heroes that they need to work with him to save existence. The heroes, being heroes, recognize the villain and attack him instantly. That's what makes a good hero, you know: a rush to a physical altercation! After Darkseid leaves because he told them what they needed to get the plot started, the heroes bicker because they're heroes that don't really get along. That allows for easy drama throughout the story! After that, they learn a little bit more so that the reader is left feeling like maybe they didn't waste four dollars on this bit of story even though they probably could skip every other issue and still follow along. And finally, the story ends with one of the heroes suddenly turning against the others.

This comic book is a good example of why ancient storytellers used "in media res." Because this is all boring set up. These first two issues were like going to a play and having to sit and watch them build the sets before being able to watch the show. We get it! There's no real reason for these four heroes to be working together, let alone for Darkseid. So Williamson has to spend a bunch of pages convincing the readers that they should buy into the conceit. Also, comic book readers are easily confused. If you begin a story in the middle of the story and don't immediately flash back to the beginning on page two to tell pages and pages of story that could have been guessed at had the story continued from page one, they'll go online and tweet about how shit your comic book is because it doesn't make any sense. None of us are very sophisticated readers! And my purchasing two issues of this comic book is proof of that!

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¹ By the way, it isn't.

The Flash #22

It's okay to burn books if they're terrible, right?

• If the Justice Society is being reintroduced to the DC Universe, I bet they come back more diverse. I bet Jay Garrick arrives and says, "Hello. I'm Jay Garrick. I'm asexual. I had to say that right up front or else nobody would ever know and fans could only speculate which is all they've ever been able to do in the past being that the general rule was all characters were heterosexual. But if I don't say it right now, right up front, how are all the asexual comic book fans going to know that they have to now consider me their favorite character?"

• It's a good thing Jay Garrick is on the cover or I might not have realized that the ubiquitous Narration Boxes were coming from him. Sure, they show the lightning bolt in the corner so the reader knows whose mind they've been allowed into (because how can a reader know what's happening if somebody isn't constantly explaining it to them? (you probably shouldn't read The Wild Storm if you nodded your head vigorously to that sarcastic question)) but with two other Flashes right there on the page, it could have been confusing.

• Reverse Flash (who died but now isn't dead because fuck you) declares he knows who gave the smiley face button all of its power. The Flash declares how embarrassed he is that Reverse Flash can time travel without an aid and also because Batman is witnessing it. Batman declares he will forever after this moment refer to the Cosmic Treadmill as "Flash's little blue pill."

"Barry, I'm here! And I'm asexual!"

• Reverse Flash arrives at Mister Manhattan's feet and receives a lethal dose of editing. You would think this time it would take. Erasing Revers Flash from the DC Universe could solve a lot of continuity problems. But I've already seen ads of Reverse Flash appearing in future Flash comics so I guess DC just can't resist his allure as Flash's rival. I can understand why. They didn't go through all the trouble of coming up with the perfect name for Flash's nemesis to just throw him away. Now if they'd chosen Evil Flash or Opposite Flash or Yrrab Nella the Hsalf, I could see sending the character to limbo. But Reverse Flash! So great! Unless it's Reverse-Flash. I'm never sure about the hyphen. I think it both exists and doesn't exist due to all of Reverse(-)Flash's time travel shenanigans.

• The Flash can't run through time because he can't get any traction. That's why he needs the treadmill. It's not like he doesn't want to run through time with Batman. He totally wants to! It's all he can think about! But when the time comes, he just can't get his feet to work. Luckily old man Jay Garrick has arrived to help! Not that he'll help in the metaphor I've been cultivating because Jay is asexual. But he'll help The Flash and Batman run through time to get them home.

They did it to sell more comic books. But the bump in sales didn't have the long term effect they were hoping for.

• The Flash doesn't remember Jay Garrick the same way he remembered Wally West. I guess that's because DC isn't ready to publish a Justice Society book yet. Or maybe The Flash did save him but he returned to Earth 2 as he was saved! Now DC can publish that Justice Society book whenever they're ready. Which actually means they'll publish it about eight months before they're ready. They really need to work on nailing down their reasons for doing things before they just jump in and do them.

• A later scene suggests that Bruce Wayne doesn't find happiness in being The Batman. Oh, fuck you, comic book. Of course he does. Stop pretending he's some kind of Jesus figure sacrificing a boring, mundane life so he can save us all from our sins by being a super fantastic and exciting action hero. It's no wonder I like Nightwing so much now. Angst is for self-pitying, joyless assholes.

"I'm just a comic book character who can see the editors. Like that guy over there still groping female underlings."

• There's an epilogue in Watchmen font and style that introduces some event called "Doomsday Clock" coming in November. It has something to do with the Watchmen and Superman and, I'm guessing, Doomsday. It will be terrible but that won't stop fans from already jerking off over it because Geoff Johns name is attached as writer.

Batman #22

Dead mothers can take care of themselves! Dead mothers don't find your porn under the bed!

Batman and The Flash have taken a trip to the Flashpoint Universe via the most ridiculous invention in the DC Universe (which is pretty ridiculous because this is the place where Doc Magnus developed Butt Plugs with Personalities): the Cosmic Treadmill! It didn't exist for a while because DC had outlawed time travel. But DC realized that they had made a huge editing mistake by trying to contain their universe into a manageable and coherent place where every story made sense in the context of every other story. The biggest mistake they made was hiring idiot writers who couldn't follow the script and used time travel anyway. No wait. The biggest mistake was not realizing how many people would stop reading their comic books after they threw about a third of their characters into limbo. I'm not surprised, though, that The New 52 began by giving Barry Allen Mommy Issues. You can't have a main character whose direction in life hasn't come from the death of one or both parents. Okay, maybe Wonder Woman never suffered the death of a parent but she did suspect that the vase in the foyer that was shattered while playing basketball in the house may have been her father.

What I'm trying to say is that Batman and The Flash are about to make some big time changes to DC Continuity. I suspect most of the damage has already been done with Preboot Superman's merger with New 52 Superman. Although if Mister Manhattan changed everything so drastically once, can't he do it again at any time? It's hard to know what causes him to do anything when he can't experience motivation since he already knows how everything turns out. I suppose the only reason to change the universe when you already know, in the future, that you change the universe is that you know you can't stop yourself from changing the universe so you might as well go ahead and change the universe just like you knew you were going to.

The Flashpoint universe still exists because time doesn't work the way comic book characters think it does. Thomas Wayne thought that by helping The Flash, his timeline's present and future would change. But it didn't because ha ha! Only the person traveling through time gets to experience the changes they made, you dum-dum! You're still stuck in the universe where Bruce Wayne died in an alley and that's never going to change. Although you could travel with The Flash on that stupid Cosmic Treadmill to get some of that sweet, succulent new timeline living!

Anyway, Thomas Wayne is just about to blow himself up (along with the Amazon and Atlantean assassins entering the manor) when The Flash and Batman arrive.

Fuck Flashpoint! I want them to arrive in The Watchmen's universe!

Well, if you're going to have a character outright state the nonsense you want the reader to believe, who am I to shit all over your desperate need for things to be the way you say they are? Fine. It's the same timeline! Whatever! Fuck you!

The Flash goes on to explain: "The Flashpoint was never an alternate world. It was an alternate history." That's the same kind of stupid nonsense that DeFalco and Lobdell used to piss in the face of The New 52's no time travel regulations. It's a pretend distinction! Alternate worlds are just alternate histories. At best, it's semantics. "Oh, this future is definitely the future that arose out of this past but it's a shitty future so let's go back and change the past to make this future different." By describing them as alternate histories, you simply pretend one ceases to exist. But guess what? Flashpoint didn't cease to exist! So maybe you've got your science wrong, Barry!

The juggling of the whole time travel/alternate history/infinite Earths science thing becomes too tricky so a fight scene breaks out to distract the reader. Anyway, The Flash had the last word on what's happening and we just have to believe him. It's a comic book, after all. Nothing ever makes too much sense!

The Flash fixes the Cosmic Treadmill but there's only room for three people. Which is why Thomas Wayne stays behind to die because he can't count. But he does give Batman some advice after not knowing him as an adult at all. He tells him not to be Batman. As if he knows what Bruce Wayne has been through. What he's doing is what all fathers do to their sons. He's projecting his own faults and aspirations and mistakes and ambitions onto him. He believes he's giving Bruce good advice to not be Batman. He even tells him to be a father to his son. What kind of a father would Bruce be to Damian if he weren't Batman?! Damian would laugh in his stupid non-Bat-face! Instead of being all, "Dad! DAD! I LOVE YOU!", Batman should have been all, "Get stuffed, motherfucker! I am my own maaaaaaan!"

Bruce and Barry disappear on the treadmill and Thomas Wayne leaps into the engulfing whiteness of existence coming to an end while screaming, "We rise!" It's like a motivational poster still hanging in an empty office by one staple and partially covered in vomit.

It's a statement, dummies! It's as close as Geoff Johns is ever going to get to apologizing for The New 52!

On the way home, Eobard Thawne runs past them with the button. He lets them know that he knows who made the button so powerful and he's going to go beat that person's ass! Hee hee. He's actually going to die but he doesn't know that yet! Although, if you think about it, I don't know that yet either. I mean, what if this is an alternate history and not an alternate Earth? Or, um, what if it's an alternate Earth and not an alternate history? I mean...I'm confused. What I'm realizing is that even though Reverse-Flash died in Batman #21, DC Comics doesn't really know how to deal with time travel, so maybe that was just a time fart and he'll actually be saved by Batman and The Flash now. I have no confidence in the final issue of this story being any better than these previous three issues. There's a reason I dropped Joshua Williamson's The Flash comic. He's just not on my list of writers who don't make me bang my head on the desk for forty minutes after reading something they wrote.

The Ranking!
-1! I could have given this issue a pass except for that part where The Flash over-explains how Flashpoint is the real timeline. Okay. Got it! Nothing fucking matters in the DC Universe.

The Flash #21

Hey! This cover is a spoiler for the end of part one in Batman #21! I'm glad I don't look too closely at the covers when I buy my comics.

Like last issue, this issue begins in a place where people are locked up against their will. Last issue was Arkham and this one is an old folks home. I almost put a possessive apostrophe on "old folks" before realizing they don't own shit about the place and it's just a descriptor of the misleading noun "home."

Last issue, Saturn Girl was upset and had to be wrestled to the ground and punched repeatedly and probably Tazed for being disruptive. This time, it's Old Man Thunder screaming from the rooftops at the genie who abandoned him. I guess the Legion of Super-Heroes and genies were edited out of the universe when the Watchmen took control. Saturn Girl probably survived by hiding in a Time Bubble. While hiding, she must have kicked the controls which sent her back to Gotham in the year 2017. And all time travelers to Gotham eventually wind up in Arkham because time travel is loony tunes!

Oh! The Watchmen didn't just hate genies. They hated stories that took place in DC's past and future! That's why they tried editing out time travel. Little did they know, Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would be too stupid to follow the no time travel rule. I believe their defense was that the time travelers from the future were from an alternate timeline that wasn't Flashpoint and could therefore time travel! Jerks.

Back at the Batcave, The Flash has strung crime scene tape all over everything. Why? Who the fuck is going to stumble into the Batcave and destroy evidence? Alfred? Or maybe Alfred? Possibly even Alfred? Since it's only Alfred, maybe tell him to stay the fuck out for a bit. I suppose Damian might also blunder in but when has anything ever stopped Damian before? He's not going to respect the boundary of the yellow police tape!

The Flash spends pages and pages Narration Boxing. This issue is simply reminding me why I dropped it in the first place! Williamson has no trust in the medium. He needs to pad the writing to make sure everybody completely understands that The Flash is a forensic detective and that he worked hard to become one and that his super powers don't help him with that and the he got his powers in a lab and that his mother was killed by Thawne and that his first crime scene was his mother's death and that every detail of a crime scene can be worked out by just looking at it and how Thawne came from the future and how Thawne was his nemesis for some reason and...and...and...well, lots of other stuff as well. Maybe that's why Howard Porter drew police tape all over the Batcave. Because he had nothing else that really needed to be drawn since the Narration Boxes did all the heavy lifting.

Eventually, The Flash stops explaining things to the reader and engages in conversation with Bruce.

How could you tell it was with a capital G?! Even if you could see his speech bubbles, all DC Comics' letters are capitals!

Obviously it would be God with a capital G. Otherwise Thawne would have said, "I saw a god!" But he said, "I saw God." So the only reason Bruce needs to explain the whole capital G thing is if he believes Barry Allen is a fucking dope. Oh, yeah. That totally explains it.

Batman and Flash discuss the crime scene and come to only one conclusion: the button is now missing. World's Greatest Detective and Master Forensic Scientist my ass!

Oh yeah! I haven't said it yet even though it was obvious from Batman #21: God is Doctor Manhattan. Although that would mean Eobard Thawne is way more mature than I am because my last words would have been "I saw God's penis!"

The Flash leaves Batman in bed to go investigate on his own because he's had a really stupid idea!

Let's fuck with time again! Because that never hurts more than it helps! Ever!

The Cosmic Treadmill was being stored in a room on the Watchtower called the Hall of Lost and Found. It's where everything that was destroyed due to the New 52 has now reappeared into continuity since Rebirth made it all viable again. But it all needs to wait to be remembered and reintroduced at some point.

Batman arrives before Barry can do anything stupid. But he doesn't arrive to stop Barry! He arrives to help him fuck up continuity even more! What a jerk! Although I suppose if Rebirth is all about returning all stories to continuity, characters should be free to fuck with time to their heart's content now! Go back in time and impregnate Ma Kent, Bruce! Who cares?! It'll all just work itself out somehow. Plus how cool would it be if Superman suddenly had to constantly deal with his slacker Bat-Brother always crashing at the Fortress of Solitude and getting into tons of mischief?

Did Greg Rucka approve this statue?!

That Frank Cho statue has far less nipples and buttholes than I would expect.

Batman hops on the treadmill with The Flash and manages to time travel by holding on with a bat-grapple. I was really hoping he would have to ride on Barry's back.

While time traveling, Batman and Flash see an old version of the formation of the Justice League where they're super fucking nerdy. "Let us form a league to fight evil!" "Right, good buddy! Let evil shake in their boots!" "Check out Wonder Woman's shorts! So modest!" "And our bulges are hardly manly at all!"

They also witness the moment Barry disintegrated in Crisis and Barry makes sure to point out that what they're witnessing isn't from an alternate universe at all. These stories — all of them! — are from their universe! But how can that be?! They're all so contradictory! It's going to do in the heads of all the continuity loving fangenders!

Eventually the Cosmic Treadmill crashes and burns. The Flash and Batman find themselves in the Batcave of Thomas Wayne of Flashpoint! OH NO! They've gone and fucked it up all over again! I can't wait for The New New 52 beginning next fall!

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave this a positive review because I love Howard Porter's art and because I love when The Flash fucks up continuity (especially when he does it with Batman! Has that ever happened before? So good!). But then I remembered how much Narration Boxing The Flash did and my boner dried up.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #6

I didn't know Killer Frost could shoot ice sludge out of her vagina.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists are obviously not Iron Maiden fans or they would have cranked that Doomsday Clock up by another thirty seconds.

Yesterday I won an Internet argument. Not that I was having an argument with anybody! But I saw some guy named Shawn Overton on an Omaha World Herald post writing dumb, illogical things. He then mocked everybody who countered his dumb, illogical things with rational things by sarcastically calling their replies brilliant. Using my philosophy of never trying to reason with idiots who can't be reasoned with and just approaching these situations with joyful whimsy, I responded, "I have a brilliant response for Shemp Overdone: You are the big dum-dum!" He preceded to delete his original comment and go home. I'm pretty sure that's a win! Plus, it's what I'm doing daily to Trump and Spicer. They're probably more used it and have aides receiving these daily insults and jabs so it might take longer for them to get frustrated and just go home. But if more people were to join me in joyfully and whimsically insulting the president and his press secretary on a daily basis, I can't imagine that they'll have the gumption to keep it up for four years.

Here's my latest tweet to Donald Trump: "@POTUS @realDonaldTrump You're like the saddest children's book. You just want to be loved but you're the most hated president ever!"

It's difficult being a revolutionary revolutionary!

At the end of the last issue, Max Lord finally turned into Eclipso. Oh man. Remember Eclipso: The Darkness Within from 1992? I suppose a lot of you weren't born yet. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. Eclipso eclipsed a whole bunch of superheroes before they finally hit upon the idea of using mirrors or something to shine the light of the sun on his headquarters located on the dark side of the moon. Except, you know, the "dark side of the moon" is just a thing we say to describe the side of the moon that you never see from Earth. It's fully bathed in sunlight every thirty days or so! I suppose the DC heroes didn't have that long to wait so they had to come up with the mirror thing.

Eclipso begins this issue with a riddle: "Have you ever wondered why the darkness always returned?" Oh! Oh! I can answer that riddle! "No."

Eclipso goes on to explain the answer anyway. He says, "Because it never leaves." That's so fucking profound! Yeah, yeah! I never thought of it that way. The darkness is always all around me! It hasn't been driven away by light at all. It's just remaining dormant, waiting for the light to be switched off! And then boom! It's back with a vengeance! But I think Eclipso is being more figurative than that. He's just trying to point out that we all have evil inside of us and when we're eclipsed by his power, we don't become evil because of Eclipso. We act on the evil impulses already there which we normally control because we don't want to embarrass our mothers.

Eclipso remembers his shitty crossover event!

And then Batman's Suicide Squad rescues the Justice League and they save the world from Eclipso! Probably. It's not like I need to know every detail of this story since it's the last issue. These blog entries are just a way for me to remember each comic from month to month so I'm not thoroughly confused by every new issue. I suppose the other important thing that will happen by the end of it is that Batman will quit the Justice League (again!) to form the Justice League of America and he'll offer Lobo and Killer Frost jobs on his team. Then everybody will think, "Wait a second! How can Batman afford Lobo, the most expensive hitman in the entire universe?! He would need Bruce Wayne money for...OHO!"

Deadshot really dug deep for this insult!

Apparently one of Deadshot's deepest, darkest evil thoughts is that he'd like to kill his daughter so he'll never feel guilty about killing again. I could go two ways on this one with my comments. I could choose to be a childish asshole and discuss how Joshua Williamson is an idiot if he thinks this is good characterization and that Deadshot would ever harbor that evil thought. Or I could be magnanimous and believe what is probably the truth anyway because it's less entertaining to write about: Eclipso is just a lying douchebag trying to convince himself that he isn't forcing people to be evil when he actually is. It allows him to see himself as a heroic god giving people the freedom to engage in their deepest desires rather than a manipulative bastard who just wants to see the world go dark.

Deadshot becomes eclipsed and declares he's going to kill everyone. Oh no! Even the other eclipsed people?! And Eclipso?! He might just save the world!

Batman eventually comes to the same conclusion I did last issue.

So the delivery systems are different. He wants Superman to look at Eclipso while I wanted Superman to pee on him.

Eventually it's down to just Batman, Amanda Waller, Killer Frost, and Lobo. Eclipso is terrible at triage. He concentrated on eclipsing all the wrong people! You definitely have to get Batman first. Or at least get one of the others to kill him. If Eclipso really makes people's deepest, darkest thoughts rise to the surface, I imagine every member of the Justice League would have killed Batman immediately, the pretentious twat.

Batman and Killer Frost get their prism plan underway while Lobo beats the shit out of everybody else. Luckily everybody else complies and only goes after Lobo. Just Superman goes after Batman and Killer Frost. What a stroke of luck!

Batman is faster than Superman's heat vision. Although, I suppose, I've dodge Roadhog's hook on Overwatch enough to realize you begin the dodge before Roadhog even knows he's about to throw the hook. Same principle!

The plan works to free the heroes and villains from Eclipso's control. Judging by the FWASH sound effect, Supergirl could have done this without Killer Frost's help. That's an old joke that only one person reading this blog will understand.

Eclipso counters with a FWSSH sound effect which is probably something totally disgusting. I think it amounts to Eclipso spraying his darkness juice via a goat.se pose. But it's too late! Killer Frost has gotten a taste for justice and she turns the tables on Eclipso. He's bathed in sunlight and reverts to Max Lord as the black diamond explodes. I think. I'm sure it exploded so that little black diamonds can litter the Earth causing small Eclipso attackes every few months.

The world has been saved and all that is left is for the Suicide Squad and the Justice League to participate in a denouement.

Oh man. Enchantress and Jessica Cruz are so going to fuck.

Batman admits to Waller that Task Force X can work as long as she stops stealing his files out of the Batcave. Also, she needs to let Killer Frost retire so Batman can use her for his new Outsiders team he's going to call Justice League of America. But we all know it's really The Outsiders. Just look at the lineup!

Lobo decides to give Batman one free job (not that kind of job! (or that kind!)) for freeing him from Max Lord's control. I'm not sure what kind of jobs Lobo thinks Batman has for him. Hide in Damian's closet to scare him straight? But of course Batman already has a job for him. I bet it's to be Killer Frost's life-force battery as a member of the new Outsiders. Although I can't imagine that job qualifies as a freebie since it's ongoing. Lobo's going to need some of that sweet Bruce Wayne cash to keep that job.

Apparently Lobo has to join The Outsiders because he gave his word he'd do a free job for Batman and specified that it didn't matter what the job was. Lobo should be more careful with what he says. Doesn't he know that writers take his "always keeps his word" thing way too seriously?!

In the epilogue, Max Lord points out that this whole thing was engineered by Amanda Waller to get Batman to lay off the Suicide Squad. That totally makes sense since it's basically the plot of the Suicide Squad movie.

The other characters all get to tie up their loose ends too. Emerald Empress decides to start the Fatal Five so she can hunt down Saturn Girl. Johnny Sorrow's mask is still on Earth waiting for a non-white, non-heterosexual, non-male character to put it on. Doctor Polaris is making out with his helmet. Rustam is going after Havana Waller. And, of course, the Black Diamonds are now everywhere.

Then on the final page, Amanda Waller does that reveal thing where the "X" in Task Force X is a number and not a letter. Even though it was a letter just one or two incarnations ago because there were Task Force Ys and Zs or something. It's such a shocking revelation that isn't boring and overused at all!

Previously, there was Task Force A-Y. Now there are just Task Force I-XI plus zero which was the first one but I don't think the Romans have a letter for zero. They should have used an O like we do! Dumb-dumbs!

What Did I Learn?
Amanda Waller is as much a genius as Harvest was. She really knows how to build an overly complicated Rube Goldbergian plot device to take care of fairly simple problems. I'm sure she could have come up with another way to keep Batman off of her back instead of this method that relied on so many unknowable factors that it should never have worked out exactly as she planned. It would have been easier to hire Psimon or J'onn J'onnz to erase Batman's memory of the Suicide Squad. And while they were at it, maybe erase the memory of everybody in the world since they all seem to know about Task Force X and how it's part of the United States government. People knowing about how it works ruins the entire reason for why it works!

The Ranking!
No change!

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #5

I don't know the name of this sex act but I've done it.

People often inquire about the scars all over my back and I begin my response with "I don't know the name of the sex act but..." and then go on to describe it.

I was just on a Wikipedia page listing a bunch of animals that have been known to engage in homosexual behavior to see if a shark would really fuck me in the ass. This gay animal was my favorite:

I wonder if this is an effective chat-up line at gay bars? "Guess who's got two thumbs and is full of old, less effective sperm?"

The issue begins with the Justice League saving the world according to Max Lord's instructions. Because that's what Eclipsos are known for: humanitarian acts! I guess it's just easier for Max Lord to mind-control other Eclipsos when he's the Master Eclipso. I just hope the world is saved before the sun shines on it!

In two minutes, The Flash can learn how to dismantle all types of weapons of mass destruction, discover their locations, and then actually dismantle them. But he's still constantly defeated by guys with cold guns and boomerangs.

At first I thought maybe Max Lord was serious about saving the world. Flash dismantles all weapons of mass destruction in the world. Sounds good. The Green Lanterns put up a protective bubble around Earth to keep out cosmic invaders and errant asteroids. But then Aquaman secures "our shores and borders." What is he securing all shores and borders from if Max is saving the world? A dolphin invasion? The image shows Aquaman blocking some ships with a bunch of whales which leads me to the conclusion that Max Lord is really just interested in saving the United States of America.

Wonder Woman takes all leaders hostage under the guise of protection while Cyborg hacks into all communication networks and begins streaming "Cyborg's Football Facts and White Noise Dance Party" twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, there you have it. From Max Lord's mouth to your eyes.

This might be the wrong day to be reading this comic book because Eclipso Max Lord seems like a hero in the context of the current inauguration.

I haven't needed to point this out in quite some time but maybe DC's colorists should do some research on the American Flag before coloring it. Or the editors should, I don't know, run a quick Google Image Search before okaying the American flag with a red stripe directly under the blue field of stars.

My brain just asked me this question so I thought I'd pass it on to you: When MRA-types get angry at a decision made by Starbucks, do they begin referring to it as Starcucks?

The entire Justice League hasn't been turned into Eclipsos. Max Lord missed Batman. Which means he missed the most important member! I wonder if Batman will get the privilege of beating Max Lord with a single punch at the end of this story or if that pleasure will go to Amanda?

Batman, Amanda, Deadshot, and currently headless Lobo are all trapped under rubble in Belle Reve. They have no idea that the United States is completely safe from all attacks that weren't threatening it anyway. Max Lord is a genius how he changed absolutely nothing! What a hero!

Superman stops by to rescue Amanda Waller. Instead of killing Batman, Superman just leaves him. That seems illogical! Right now, Superman is under the spell of Eclipso. He believes Max Lord has saved the world. Batman is currently the one threat capable of ruining Max Lord's peace! To ensure world peace, Superman should kill Batman. It's so obvious. But then, Superman has never been the smartest member of the Justice League.

And then Lobo's head grows back.

This is practically my comic book dream team! Just add Halo, Katana, and Black Lightning and we've got the greatest incarnation of Batman and the Outsiders ever!

Batman's plan had not only been to stop Lobo from killing them but also to remove Max Lord's mind-control over him. What better way than blowing off his head? Lobo totally agrees which is why Lobo is the greatest character of all time, no matter how much that statement makes me sound like an 80s heavy metal socially awkward white male! I mean, that's what I was when Lobo became the gold standard of bad-ass bad guys. I refuse to acknowledge the years when he was just used as a punching bag to show that other heroes were so smart or powerful that they could defeat the biggest non-crossover-event threat in the DC Universe! When he's written well, he's a lot of fun. When he's written by Cullen Bunn, I have to struggle not to kill myself.

Crawling out of the hole, Lobo, Batman, and Waller run into the rest of the Suicide Squad. They're struggling to contain Eclipso Cyborg. He must have gotten a virus while taking over the world's communications (which include pornographic websites, obviously) which slowed him down enough to be captured by Boomerang, Croc, Frost, and Harley Quinn. Normally he'd just knock them all unconscious with his White Noise Cannon since they all have ears. At least I think Killer Croc has ears. Oh, he must! That's why there's that phrase about crocodile ears.

Cyborg has managed to maintain a certain amount of control because he's half-machine. Max and the Black Diamond weren't able to control Cyborg completely. That probably means after this story is over, Cyborg is going to fall into another depression where he sits and wonders if he's really human at all.

Max Lord is beginning to fall under Eclipso's spell so Batman organizes a new Justice League to go after him. This new League is really just a Suicide Squad who aren't allowed to kill anybody. It features Lobo, Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Killer Frost, and Deadshot. See? Not really much difference from the usual Squad.

Max thinks he's created a peaceful world but in reality, people are running amok. Amanda decides it's time for that punching thing to happen. Or a good solid backhand, at least.

Everybody is becoming an Eclipso while Max is becoming The Eclipso. Still, I'd rather live in this DC Universe than the current real one.

Batman's Suicide Squad arrives just in time to see Max Lord turn into Eclipso. This incarnation, Eclipso makes sure the sun is covered in darkness so he can't be destroyed. The only way to defeat Eclipso is with the sun's energy so now I can think of only one last chance: Superman must piss on him!

What Did We Learn?
Who has time to learn anything?! Donald Trump is now president of the United States of America! I have to go find as many kittens as I can to hug and kiss!

The Ranking!
+1! Enjoyable!

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4

This isn't even a challenge! How did these two become nemeses?! Comic books are stupid.

We're at the halfway point which means something important, probably. Like maybe the title is no longer accurate. Now it should read Justice League + Suicide Squad vs. Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad #4. But for some reason, DC Comics thinks the best way to sell product is to stick a "vs." on it. You might notice that I, from the beginnings of this blog, believe the exact opposite. Whenever a comic book title just had two character names on the front, I would add a "loves" between them. Because love trumps vs. Or something.

Have you ever wondered what college would give me a degree in literature?! Well, I'd tell you but they have a court order forcing me to remain silent. Sorry!

I should issue a possible (although highly improbable) correction for last issue. Last issue, I believed the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad were destroying an island nation to recover Eclipso. But since Eclipso never appeared and the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad begin this issue attacking Belle Reve without Eclipso front and center, it's possible (though highly improbable) that I was wrong. They might have just been after a Black Diamond so that they could control Eclipso who was imprisoned in Belle Reve instead of The Catacombs for some reason. I bet that reason is because he's not currently Eclipso. He's just in his Bruce Gordon guise sitting in a dark cell screaming, "What am I doing down here?! And how unimaginative were the writers who created me and decided to name me a portmanteau of two famous Gotham characters?! I probably used portmanteau wrong but I don't care! I've gone crazy from loneliness!" It's also possible Eclipso isn't Bruce Gordon but the other guy whose name I can't remember. Selina Pennyworth or something.

Superman begins the battle by aggravating Lobo.

I would have begun by mentioning the Lobo/Bueno Excellente sex tape.

The next move is Max Lord's. I guess they're taking turns instead of creating a chaotic brawl because while Max Lord uses his mind-control powers on Enchantress, everybody just stands around and watches to see what happens. Maybe they just rolled too low on their initiative checks.

Next, Johnny Truant opens up his face and spills minotaurs all over the floor. I guess that's the sign to turn this into a chaotic brawl. According to the initial brawl splash pages, Aquaman is matched up with Rustam. According to the next bunch of panels under the splash, Rustam simply walks away to kill a bunch of guards and enter the control room where he plans to release all of the prisoners by smashing the computers. I really think these high-tech prisons need to rethink these electronic locks and just go back to using individual keys for every cell. Any time any electrical interference hits the prison, they have a riot on their hands. The only way that would happen with manual locks is if a speedster broke in and stole the keys.

Luckily Katana saw Aquaman completely fuck up and arrives in time to stop Rustam. That seems like an obvious match-up, right? They each have a sword! Too bad Deadshot didn't match up with Rustam. He could have killed Rustam in one panel.

I guess nobody has to worry about Max Lord since he apparently broke his back on the way to the vault.

Killer Frost goes after Max but since Amanda Waller didn't brief everybody on the mission, she's mind-controlled by Max Lord. All Amanda (or Superman!) had to tell everybody was that if they see Max's nose begin to bleed, knock him the fuck out instantly. I should be running the fucking Suicide Squad! And the Justice League!

Lobo chases down Waller, Deadshot, and Batman. That means Lobo has the toughest fight of all the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad members. Emerald Empress is battling Superman and Jessica Cruz.

At least I thought it was Jessica Cruz. It looks like her. But she made that light construct too easily. So it must be somebody else.

I admit, it still could be Jess since I've stopped reading Green Lanterns. Maybe there was an issue where she learned how to make constructs without spending four pages wrestling with her anxiety.

Simon Baz returns to crack the shit out of the Emerald Eye. This causes the Emerald Empress to panic and mention how she needs to find Saturn Girl. Saturn Girl is in Arkham! Everybody knows that! Anyway, Emerald Empress disappears.

Katana defeats Rustam and Wonder Woman defeats Johnny Truant (with a little help from Harley Quinn).

Doctor Polaris defeats lots and lots of heroes at once by manipulating the iron in their blood. Remember when Magneto first did that back in like the seventies or eighties and everybody was all, "WHOOOOOOOOOA! COOOOOOOOOL! HE'S SO POWERFUL!"? Well, that's why Doctor Polaris is on the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad. Because he's just being written as DC's Magneto.

Cyborg defeats Doctor Polaris with like his White Noise Cannon except he pretends it does some magnetic thing this time. He's not fooling anybody! He only has the one attachment!

By "everything," Deadshot, of course, means "bullets. Lots and lots of bullets." Now if he'd throw a few bucks at him and purchase his talents, Deadshot might actually stop him!

Apparently the best way to defeat Lobo is to run away from him. He's fucking slow!

Batman rushes off to find one of Waller's injectable brain bombs that her team just leave lying around the complex, along with the remote to blow the bomb. He comes back, injects Lobo, and blows Lobo's head off. It's okay though because Batman doesn't kill. That means Lobo will be fine. Pissed off but fine.

Waller reveals that Max is after the Eclipso Diamond so they all rush off just in time to be Eclipso'd by Max. Well, the Justice League is, at least. Max decides not to control the Suicide Squad because he has to make some kind of mistake or else he'll rule the entire world! I mean, if his plan is to control the world using the Eclipso Diamond, why not just control everybody he comes into contact with? I guess next issue can once again be called Justice League vs. Suicide Squad since the Justice League are currently evil. One more example of why Superman should go live on Mars and stop allowing villains to use his power to threaten the world.

What Did We Learn?
It's a toss up between power corrupts and power doesn't always corrupt but the incorruptible people with power usually wind up being used by corrupted people so it doesn't really matter anyway.

The Ranking!
No change!

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #3

I hope this ends in weird sex.

The Justice League are now Amanda Waller's prisoners. This happened because a writer is writing this and it doesn't have to depend on facts or what would actually happen if superheroes were real. I know you're thinking, "Tess, since they're not real, how can you purport to know what would actually happen if Joshua Williamson wasn't directing the action?" To that I reply, "Don't question me, you stupid asshole!"

If you're wondering where I learned to debate so well, I'll tell you. One of my closest friends in high school, Soy Rakelson (that's not his real name! It's been changed to protect Roy Sakelson's identity!), was a conservative religious fellow. He taught me a lot about arguing because he argued a lot. The main things I learned were to never actually debate things point by point, always accuse the other person of believing the thing that you really want to argue against, and always direct the argument toward one of your pre-made logic traps that they will totally fall into so that you can say, "A-ha! So you admit the thing I believe and think you should believe too!" The only problem is that he wasn't very good at camouflaging his traps so you could see them from a mile away and nobody ever fell into them. But now, after spending so many years debating Soy, I've become fantastic at debating! That's why I totally won that pretend debate in the first paragraph against a pretend person.

While Amanda Waller gloats, Rick Flag and Katana are investigating The Catacombs. That's the Super Duper High Tech Cosmic Prison where Max Lord found his new friends, the Super Duper Suicide Squad. They'll probably find some clues which will give Amanda Waller a great idea to team up the Suicide Squad with the Justice League. Everybody knows the "vs" will eventually become an "us". I don't mean it literally so that the title reads "Justice League us Suicide Squad." I meant it in a cutesy figurative way that if you understood it, I applaud you. If you were confused, remember that stupid asshole comment? Go read it again!

Back at Belle Reve, Batman escapes from the Hannibal Lecter suit Amanda Waller has put him in. Then she's all, "Oh, oh! I knew you were going to escape but I thought you would have done it so much earlier. I was just having some fun! You know I wouldn't intentionally harm the Justice League! I'm a sweet lady, Bru...er, bats! Remember we're pals! Um, put that boomerang away!"

It's the Justice League so my fangender brain is disappointed that they were defeated so easily. But the other part of my fangender brain is screaming, "You fucking tell that Batjerk, Amanda!"

Later there's some comedy between the Suicide Squad and the Justice League that just isn't funny. It's not terrible writing or anything! It's just sort of "Yeah, yeah. I get it. Harley is supposed to be funny. The other characters laughing is a big clue." Then Superman has a touching moment with Killer Frost where I'm all, "Yeah, yeah! I get this isn't funny because nobody is laughing. I guess it's sweet, maybe? Or Superman being inspirational?" But then Deadshot interrupts because he's even more cynical than I am.

When has Deadshot ever seen anybody in the Squad die?! In this context, "survivors" has the exact same definition as "Suicide Squad members."

Max Lord and his Super Duper Suicide Squad head to an island in the South Pacific to pick up one last member of the team. The story treats it like a big mystery, as if the reveal is going to be spectacular! Except the reveal was already revealed in DC's ginormous pull-out poster advertisement. They're getting Eclipso. Now let's move on with the story!

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda releases the Justice League after speaking with Batman. She's shown him the Black Box footage from The Catacombs prison break and Batman has decided the Justice League should see the footage. Because they should probably stop this threat even if it means working with the Suicide Squad.

How is this guy a threat?! Wook at how adowable he is! Jus' wook at 'im! Who's my cutesy-wootsy Wobo?!

I fucking hope to Hell Twat Lobo never makes another appearance in the DC Universe ever again. Unless, of course, it's so Real Deal Lobo can kick his stupid fucking ass.

Max Lord appears on the security footage and Preboot Superman recognizes him. He gets really fucking angry too! Because Max Lord killed one of Superman's best ever buddies, Ted Kord! They were practically the closest friends ever. Aside from Booster Gold being Blue Beetle's best friend, of course! And aside from the fact that Superman probably never took him too seriously. But I think Max Lord called Lois Lane a cunt once as well, so Clark might be upset about that.

Amanda Waller reveals the reason the Super Duper Suicide Squad wants to kill her: they were the first Suicide Squad. Wow! Sometimes people refer to a concept known as "going overboard" and I think this might be the most overboardiest anybody has ever gone! That's a lot of fucking power to deal with international political bullshit. And how the hell did Amanda get her hands on these killers? I can guess at Rustam but the rest? Maybe Emerald Empress fell out of a Time Bubble with amnesia and was easy to manipulate. And I guess Doctor Polaris is sort of a normal villain but he's Super Duper because he's so similar to Magneto and Marvel has spent decades proving that Magneto is the most powerful human "villain" in their universe. And I guess she could have just hired Lobo! And Johnny Sorrow might have just been writing sad poems when Amanda was all, "Hey, Johnny Truant? I've got your meaning of life right here!" So, yeah, I guess this Squad's origin is totally explainable!

The Review
+1 Ranking. I'm so happy that Real Deal Lobo is back that this book could have been written by Ann Nocenti and I would be excited. Although now I'm sort of wishing it had been written by Ann Nocenti because I miss her incomprehensible dialogue and her inability to actually write the story she tells people she's writing in interviews. Why was I so hard on her?! You never know what you've got until it's gone! My sweet, sweet Ann!