Batwoman #2

"Eat my motherfucking pussy!"

The Review!
The word "motherfucker" is a great word if you don't think too much about it. I began thinking too much about it after typing that caption and now I'm sick with the opposite of an Oedipal Complex.

This issue begins with this Narration Box: "If you wish to cause yourself pain, how would you pick your target?" Um, look in a mirror? "Hey! I want to cause me pain. But who am me? Show me my target, mirror! OH NO! It's me!" I'm purposefully misunderstanding the Narration Box because it's poorly written as fuck. "Poorly written as fuck" is an example of something poorly written as fuck. I did that on purpose because I apparently wish to cause myself pain and have chosen to target my writing ability. You can't see it now but I'm weeping inconsolably.

This comic book references pussy eating the way a Flash comic book puns on speed. So it's no surprise that it begins with Safiyah (that name alone is practically a pussy eating reference!) drizzling honey into Kate's mouth directly out of a honeycomb. I know that's a metaphor for pussy eating because I've heard the Alice Cooper song where he calls a vagina "velcro candy sticky sweet." See? Sticky sweet like honey!

Remember Honeycomb cereal commercials from the eighties? "Honeycomb's big! Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small! No no no! Honeycomb's got a big big taste! A big big crunch for a big big bite! Pussy eating!" I think the first time I masturbated was after seeing that commercial where the biker crashes into the kids' treehouse and they sing about eating pussy.

This issue is called "The Many Arms of Death Part 2: Running Up That Hill." That's totally about orgasming a lot due to clitoral stimulation.

Silly baguette penis! This book is for lesbians!

Batwoman has been reminded of her lost year (or is it a "Lost year" as in she crashed on an island that she couldn't get off of for a year and not she took some time off to find herself year?) because she found Safiyah's dead butler on a dock in Italy. Or Greece. Don't assume I'm a terrible American with terrible geography skills! I'm a terrible American with a terrible memory and I can't remember where she was investigating the Monster Venom Terrorists. But now she's decided she needs to deal with Safiyah and that the Monster Venom Terrorists can wait. I mean, she only started her own monthly series to stop the terrorists so why not just shrug off the danger and go eat some lost year pussy?

Batwoman ditches Julia Pennyworth to find out why she was almost murdered by an assassin who was a close associate of Safiyah. She heads up to Safiyah's old bar (closed down and now owned by the Kali Corporation (get it?! Kali! The many arms of death!? Pussy eating?!) which was called The Desert Rose. That's totally a euphemism for a vagina. I learned that from Shakespeare. Whenever he talks about a rose, he means a vagina, no matter how many times he says a rose by any other name is still a rose and totally not a vagina and never mind why I put my hands down my pants every time I say rose.

Batwoman battles the assassin unimaginatively known as "Knife." She battles her poorly and must be rescued first by Julia Pennyworth's Bat Drones and then by the warlords who lived on the island under Safiyah's guidance. They might not be super excited to see Batwoman though since she's somehow responsible for the island falling apart. Probably because she broke Safiyah's heart when she moved back to Gotham.

No more pussy eating takes place this issue because Kate is too concerned with finding out what happened to the island. Apparently it was taken over by the Kali Corporation and Safiyah didn't fight it because she was too sad. Instead, she left the island and disappeared. So now I guess the Monster Venom Terrorists can continue to destroy the world while Kate resolves some conflicts from her past.

The Ranking!
No change! Guess what? It's another story about an evil corporation! Take that, corporations! Artists think you stink!

Batwoman #1

With all the pussy eating within the Rebirth issue, you'd think at least some of Batwoman's head would be full of oral sex and rim jobs.

When I first began doing reviews for The New 52, I used to just tally all of the speed based puns in every Flash comic book and rate it accordingly. Based on how much pussy eating innuendo went on in the Batwoman Rebirth issue, maybe I'll do basically the same thing for this comic book. But the reviews will be sexier! They'll also be far shorter because it's much easier to make a ton of puns based on movement than it is to slip in tongue-in-cheek references to pussy eating and rimjobs.

For the record, "slip in tongue-in-cheek" would count as one.

I don't know why Marguerite Bennett and James Tynion IV are so obsessed with eating pussy. It's like they've done it before and they know how enjoyable it is.

I just hope Jeromy Cox doesn't fuck up the American flag again this issue. What is he? A communist? Or a guy who failed eighth grade political science? Maybe he was just distracted by all the pussy eating.

You might be thinking I'm using the phrase "pussy eating" too much. Don't shoot the messenger! You try reading this comic book and not have the phrase ringing through your head as you do so! Other phrases that Tynion and Bennett are forcing into my head with their filthy writing: finger-banging, anal beads, butt clitoris. No wait. "Butt clitoris" is one of the things I'm constantly thinking while reading Midnighter and Apollo.

Now that I've completely reduced all gay characters to their bedroom (and kitchen counter) habits, let's begin reading Batwoman!

This issue starts with an easy riddle:

Take a whole fist up her vagina?

Batwoman is currently hunting terrorists who have a serum that turns the user into monsters. That's probably going to be the premise of this comic book for the first five or six issues. Hopefully it'll change by then because I'm already bored with the conceit. Seeing people turn into monsters? Could that be a chance for Batwoman to reflect on her own actions? Will she question how much of a monster she'll become in the name of justice? Also, I mean, the whole "hero hunting down bad people" story is so old. It's like the only story comic books ever tell! What about a story about a hero hunting down the perfect cup of coffee?

Instead of snatching the syringe out of the terrorist's hand so that he can't transform into a monster and kill a bunch of people as they battle, Batwoman throws him across the market where the syringe is suddenly too far away from her snatching ability. Oh! Is using the word snatch close enough to a pussy eating innuendo? I mean, I know I didn't say anything about eating but, come on! Snatch!

Remember how there was a Bandersnatch in the Jabberwocky poem? That was funny.

Anyway, the terrorist injects himself with Monster Venom and Batwoman is all, "Oh man! If only I could have stopped this from happening!" She says it really loudly so everybody can hear and then they'll all shake their heads and go, "Yeah, yeah! If only she could have stopped this from happening! It was totally out of her control the moment she threw the guy too far away from her instead of just taking the syringe!" Then the Daily Planet headline will be all "Batwoman Fucks Up!" I mean, the Gotham Gazette headline will read, "Batwoman Totally Does All She Can And Still Five Hundred People Dead! Totes Not Her Fault!"

Batwoman isn't working alone. She's got Julia Pennyworth doing the Alfred Pennyworth job for her. No, that doesn't mean Julia cooks food that Batwoman never eats. It just means she says sassy and snarky things on the other end of the communicator.

Everybody but Batwoman knew he was going to monster up! She thought he was just giving himself an insulin injection.

Julia and Kate seem to have a more intimate relationship than Bruce and Alfred. I mean, sure, everybody in the world has a more intimate relationships with everybody else in the world than Bruce has with Alfred. But I mean intimate in a more pussy eating way.

Doing the dishes is innuendo, right? Like "licking a plate clean"?

Julia seems a little bit unsatisfied, mentioning that Kate often skimps out on "chores". I see the problem in their relationship already! Who would call eating ass a chore?!

I was tired of typing "eating pussy" and then I thought, "A-ha! You know what is just as good? Eating ass!" It's also classier, I think.

A woman appears and kills the monster man just as Batwoman is interrogating him. All Kate gets out of him before he's killed is "The many arms of death." The murderer gets away but leaves a knife behind so that Batwoman can find her later. I bet she has lots of dirty dishes.

Kate Kane has a sophisticated computer system in her Bat-Yacht. It can do almost anything! But don't worry, it's not like a normal comic book where you're just expected to believe everything without a good scientific reason. Julia makes sure to let everybody know that this computer can do unimaginably impressive things because "it's been the 21st century for awhile now." That's good enough for me! Now when the computer tracks down the origin point of the knife to the island nation of Coryana by the process of 21st century technology, I don't have to put my face through the wall while screaming, "WHY NOT JUST DRIVE A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE UP THE SIDE OF A BUILDING?!"

By the way, Coryana is where Kate spent her lost year in her early twenties. She broke up with the woman who runs the place (Safiyah or something. Anyway, it sounded like Sappho for particularly apt pussy eating reasons) but her ex didn't exactly like the idea of being broken up with. I bet the assassin's knife was meant for Kate! Not all assassins in comic books can be perfect killers who always do their job because their reputation is at stake. Some of them have to be sub-par wanna-bes.

Kate and Julia head to Coryana so Kate can get her whole Safiyah Nemesis story out of the way right off the bat. You'd think Bennett and Tynion would have kept it looming in the background for awhile but I guess they're the type of people who jumps into bed just looking to blow the load as quickly as possible so they can get back to playing video games.

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the second issue is as uninteresting as this one so I can drop this series! Not because I don't like Batwoman. The New 52 Batwoman series was terrific until the writer and artist quit. But I'm currently looking for any excuse to drop as many comic books as possible.

Batwoman Rebirth #1

Hopefully somebody Batmansplains the proper way to hold a Batarang to Batwoman.

The Review!
Let's learn a little bit about Kate Kane! But not the Kate Kane you used to think you knew about! This is Rebirth Kate Kane! Sort of the same but a little bit different! All of these sentences end in exclamation points because I'm singing them loudly in my head as I type them! Kate Kane!

At age 12, Kate and her sister and her mother were kidnapped in Brussels on the way to get chocolate and waffles. That must be a French delicacy. I mean Austrian. Belgium? Uh, European! A European Union Delicacy! I hope Belgium is in the European Union or that joke is going to make me look stupid.

So, um, anyway, they're kidnapped and killed. Kate isn't killed. The other two are killed. Depending on how similar Rebirth Kate Kane is to Prebirth Kate Kane, her sister might not actually be dead. Also her mother might not be. But she definitely isn't. This isn't an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

At age 20, Kate Kane was in West Point eating pussy. The men in charge were all, "Nobody eats pussy at West Point!" And all the women who dated cadets at West Point were all, "I know, right?!"

Never mind the allusions to eating pussy. Why can't colorists get the fucking American flag right?!

Don't fucking get me wrong and think I'm offended by people fucking up the American flag! I don't give an ideological shit about that! I just can't believe how often colorists get the stripes wrong when all of the information ever about everything that has ever been and possibly will be is available online. It's not like the colorist had to pop down to the local library to check out a book on flags of the world. This happens so often that maybe I should stop believing it's a mistake! Maybe it's a gigantic fuck you to America! What does Jeromy Cox have against America? Or doing the slightest amount of research?!

I just looked up Jeromy Cox on Wikipedia to see if I could figure out why he couldn't get the flag right. And being the World's Greatest Internet Detective and/or Maker-Upper of Theories Which I Totally Believe Are True Once I Think Them Up, I figured out the problem! Cox got his start coloring for Wildstorm. If Wildstorm was run like Jim Lee ran his percentage of Image, then it totally makes sense that nobody would do any research or really care much about the finished product at all because they were getting fat paychecks for owning all of their shit.

I still perceive everything Jim Lee does through the lens of how terrible WildC.A.T.s #1 was.

At age 22, Kate decided to travel the world because the pussy eating didn't go so well at West Point. Apparently oral sex between two women is against Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Oh, but Power Showers between the guys is okay, right? I wonder what the actual wording of Article 125 is? "Thou shalt not pleasure a woman with your mouth in that way women like to be pleasured, not in the front or in the back. Women are to be regarded as the makers of babies and that is the end of that subject, mister!" Article 126: "A Power Shower is to be defined as two men under one spigot and that is that, no matter what other shenanigans take place."

At age 23, Kate experienced a lost year. I don't know what that means yet because I haven't read about it. If you'd just hold your whoreses, I'll get right back to you with some information.

After reading about the Lost Year, I didn't learn much. Kate spent the year with a Sugar Mommy on the island of Coryana while being stalked by a killer. Nothing funny happened at all.

At age 23, Kate wound up in Gotham. I guess the Lost Year was a little shorter than a year. But the Lost Eleven Months Or So sounds stupid.

In Gotham at 23, Kate winds up with Renee Montoya. So far Kate's life is all about whose pussy she's eating. That's probably why she was wondering at the beginning "Where are you going, Kate Kane?" Unless that was Safiyah asking that. It's hard to tell when it's a question in a Narration Box without any identifying marker. Safiyah seems like the kind of ex who never quite understands how breakups work. And since she admits to being in control of her island and having access to hired killers, she'll probably wind up as Kate's nemesis.

At age 24, Kate meets Batman. As Batman introduces himself by pointing out that he knows all about her and her role as Batwoman, the reader gets some images of Batwoman's recent past. They show monsters and Wonder Woman and Beth. What those images are saying is "Rebirth Kate Kane is basically New 52 Kate Kane but with whatever minor tweaks and changes we want to add or subtract because Rebirth!"

At age 27 or 28 (whatever age Kate is in the present), Batwoman takes on the mission to hunt down the Monster Venom being sold on the black market. That's why she's getting her own series. But she'll probably still hang out with the Bat-kids over in Detective Comics. Unless she's done training them? I don't know.

At age older than 28, Kate's mother returns to destroy Gotham. I guess.

The Ranking!
Slightly higher than middle of the road. The theme in this issue was "Where are you going, Kate Kane?" That's a question people love to ask young people. When I was around twenty, my Aunt asked me, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I replied, "Where did you see yourself ten years ago?" And she said, "Good point." What I was saying is why fucking bother to worry about it? I suppose if you're one of those people who know from an early age what you want to be and how you want to spend your entire life, you can easily answer that question. But those people annoy me because how come they get to have all the answers for their life at such a young age?! I had no plans for my life and boy does it show! But not in a bad way! It's just nobody would look at my life and think, "Wow! Harvest levels of planning by that guy!" And that's probably most of us, even really successful people. Those who follow their dreams don't automatically make those dreams come true. I'd say more people fail to create the life they envision for themselves than actually do it. Whenever somebody says, "I'm proof that you can do it too!", I want to slap them in their stupid faces. In a theoretical way, yeah, I suppose it's true. Some people get to make their dreams come true. But it's not inspirational to show one person who did it when I know there are thousands who could say, "I'm proof that it can't be done!" What I'm trying to say is, um, good luck, Batwoman! Don't worry so much about where you're going or you'll miss all the good pussy eating opportunities at hand.

P.S. It might sound like I'm obsessed with Batwoman being a lesbian. I'm not! I'm just reflecting the tone of the comic! It's James and Marguerite who are obsessed with it! And I'm not sorry they are. There were some pretty good oral sex innuendos in this thing.