Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #7

Cave Carson probably suffers from acrophobia (not to be confused with agraphobia which he probably also suffers from).

Cave Carson's need to hide in caves is telling. It's why I think he suffers from agraphobia, an extreme fear of sexual abuse. By exploring caves, he's metaphorically crawling back inside his mother's womb. It's the least sexy place a person can hide. I probably have more examples of why he suffers from agraphobia but I just distracted myself by thinking that I've insulted Cave Carson's mother by comparing her womb to a cave. I also began thinking about how most phobias are just "a fear of X!" But agraphobia is "an EXTREME fear of X!" since most people are like, "Yeah, dude, I totally don't want to be molested. That would suck." So that's just a normal fear! I think the "extreme" descriptor should be added to a lot of other phobias as well. Like arachnophobia! Everybody is frightened by a spider when it just appears out of nowhere and is touching some part of your body like some aggro agraphile. But after the terrifying realization that the most disgusting and alien looking creature to ever live alongside humankind has decided to crawl across your arm, most people can deal with it normally. By normally, I mean thinking "Where the fuck did that spider go?!" after the ten second full body convulsion and series of high pitched screams have sent the spider across the room and running for some shadowy Cave Carson's mother's womb.

Uh oh. I think I just gave myself a new phobia! Arachnoagraphobia! The fear of being sexually abused by a spider!

Cave Carson has been suffering from impotency for years. It caused him to be unable to explore caves in a winky kind of "you get what I mean?" kind of way. It was probably caused by the death of his wife but it also might have been caused by his cybernetic enhancement. Sometimes it's hard to know what's metaphor and what's just a regular old story element. So does the cybernetic eye represent his penis because some fancy, well-spoken people sometimes call the penis a one eyed trouser snake? Or does the eye have a deeper, less immature metaphorical meaning? Does it mean he now suddenly sees too much and understands the world too deeply for his penis to enjoy itself? Or does the eye have nothing to do with his impotence at all and it's just a way to make the comic book's title more appealing to a generation enamored by affectations?

It also could simply be Oedipal. Cave Carson is impotent because he hates his father and he can't hide up inside his mother anymore because his drill doesn't work. And the eye is representative of Oedipus's blindness which itself was evidence of Oedipus's inability to truly see the way things were. Unless that wasn't part of that story at all. I read it so long ago that I can only now pretend to remember what it was about by grasping at the Freudian interpretation of all of our sexual problems through an old perverted Greek story.

How come Freud never talked about Oedipus's love of butt stuff? That's why he was at Colonus, right?! Isn't Colonus the Greek word for anal?

This issue is a flashback to the time Cave Carson met Superman.

This story took place in the days when a diverse crew meant three white guys with different colored hair, a white woman, and an animal sidekick. I'm not getting into the political and social deconstruction of what the animal sidekick was a metaphor for!

Apparently there's a huge system of underground caverns under Metropolis just like under Gotham. But Metropolis's cave system is more believable because it wasn't invented by Ann Nocenti.

Cave and his white team of whiteys discover Superman being attacked by a gigantic red crystalline creature. It looks like they'll have to kill this totally new and unknown form of life if they want to save Superman and Metropolis! It's a good thing Cave's drill was still working back in these old days.

The crystal creature had a bit of kryptonite embedded on its carapace which is why Superman needed to be rescued.

Me the first time I was anally fisted too!

Cave rescues Superman by dragging him into a hole which is just a smaller cave. He's a one trick pony, that guy! After that, they come up with a plan to defeat the crystalline alien. Superman will fly faster than the speed of sound causing a sonic boom which will totally annoy the creature and possibly give it tinnitus. Ha! Take that, jerk!

After the sonic boom, a piece of stalactite falls from the ceiling impaling Bulldozer Smith in a gory metaphorical display of the penetrative sex act! Covered in sex goo and blood, Cave Carson yells, "But that's not how it happened!" Oh no! This isn't a flashback story at all! It's a mind control delusion trapping Cave Carson in his memories so he can't finish off The Whisperer! The story from last issue is still happening!

Um, maybe!

In the awkward new memory of the time Cave saved Superman, his teammate and Bulldozer's lady, Christine Madison (MADISON!), begins making out with him. So this entire delusion has placed Cave Carson deep within the part of his mind that's creating his impotency. You might be thinking, "How is Cave Carson fucking a lady a metaphor for impotency?!" But if you were thinking that, it just means you're impatient because I didn't get to the part where Cave pushes her away and says, "I can't!" See? He can't! Not that he won't or that they shouldn't. He just simply can't because his dick doesn't work.

The Whisperer has been devouring Cave and his memories while also mentioning how impotent Cave has been in every aspect of his life up until this point. That inability to save his friends or his wife or raise his daughter or be responsible or unselfish has obviously resulted in the physical manifestation of those failings: sexual impotency. Just like I've been saying all this time. And look at this visual proof in the comic book:

See? His junk is blurred out! That's a representation of how it's useless!

Superman arrives to fluff Cave Carson. He mostly uses a pep talk but I can read between the panels. I see him using his super stroking motion to get Cave Carson rock hard and confident again! Also, Superman might not actually be here. Superman is probably just another metaphor, this one for Cave Carson rallying against The Whisperer's use of fear and flaccidity. It's a representation of Cave Carson's inner strength and resolve to be a hero not for himself but for the people who need him to be a fully erect hero.

After Superman cures Cave's impotency with a Kryptonian "Confidence Boost" (that's slang for a hand job), he throws him back at the vagina so Cave can fucking save the day. By fucking it!

It's got teeth is what it's got!

Cave Carson wakes up from his dream. He's still missing his cybernetic eye and a week has passed since he confronted the Whisperer in his mother's womb. Now the Whisperer is rampaging on the surface world destroying the city. But Cave is ready to destroy it because he's been made whole! This is evident by the way he smokes a cigarette immediately upon waking up from his week long coma. He's all, "Oh yeah! I just came all over the inside of my pants for the first time in a decade and now I'm engaging in an oral fixation to show that I'm ready to fuck the Whisperer into submission!" And his daughter is right there to fuck it alongside him. Um. Gross.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm really enjoying this comic book! How many of you thought my impotency reading of the story was just a joke all this time? Because it wasn't and it totally isn't. This comic is all about Cave Carson's dick not working. Because that in itself is a metaphor! For, you know, being a powerless failure. So this story is kind of the reverse impotency metaphor. Usually the story would be all, "Cave Carson is impotent! Why?!" Then he'd struggle to regain his power. But this comic is all, "Cave Carson is powerless! Why?" Well, it's because his dick doesn't work.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #6

I've had quite enough with the blatant sexual imagery in this comic book.

Most people spend their whole lives seeing only what is directly in front of them. I hope I never stop living that way! It's much easier to be an Out in the Open Carson, accepting everything you find on the surface. Or you can choose to be a Cave Carson with your need for deeper meaning and desire to dig down into everything you encounter. That's a lot of work! And often, you only find what you were looking for anyway! If you were concentrating on discovering diamonds, you'll probably miss all the iron ore and uranium. So what good is digging deep if you only discover the thing you began looking for in the first place? It's better to just remain on the surface and simply assume everything you think is the way things are. In the end, the shallow and the deep person wind up in the same place but the deep person is grumpy and depressed. Sometimes they're even less sure about the world than when they began to delve! Because you have to think about something while you dig and usually that something is life and your place in it. Bah! That's just existential masturbation. I'd rather engage in real masturbation and then take a nap, unfettered by worry! Stupid Cave Carson! Doesn't he know it's better not to dig around for truth?

Being that I'm one of those shallow people who don't like to dig too deeply, I'm only reading this comic book at the surface level. So for me, this book is obviously about Cave Carson dealing with his impotence. If it has a more metaphorical meaning, I don't want to know about it! I just know Cave can't get his dick hard no matter how many caves he sticks it in.

The issue begins with a flashback to the time Edward Borsten stuck his dick in a secret Muldroogian cave and wound up becoming impregnated by The Whisperer. That's what he gets for not spelunking with protection. He even left his spelunking buddy at the vagina's entrance! That's not smart at all. What happens if you need backup because the cave turns out to be too much cavern for you? I hear that's sometimes a thing!

Now I wish I had children so I could scream this every other night!

Cave, Chloe, and Wild Dog guzzle down a few pints of Night Pudding so that they're high as fuck when they rush off to battle Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail and his Fungus Daddy. They need to stop them before they wake up The Whisperer and destroy all mankind. I hope if the world ends, Superman will feel terrible about deleting Cave Carson from his phone's contacts.

Me and the crew in the early nineties doing shrooms.

The Whisperer wakes up and eats Fungus Daddy. Well, that plan seems to have been shit. I suppose if I had been turned into an immortal pile of goop constantly in immense pain while never being able to catch the eyes of the ladies, I'd probably spend all my time on a task that would end my miserable life too.

Even Wild Dog winds up having Daddy Issues even if they only come out while tripping on Night Pudding. His dad (The Whisperer (who isn't really his dad! It's the drugs talking, remember? (and maybe a bit of a telepathy)) says, "I've left more useful offspring cooling in a sock, you miserable little punk!" Gross! I don't want to hear about Wild Dog's dad jerking off into socks! Unless maybe Wild Dog's dad is Idris Elba. Then maybe I'd like to hear more about it, and in greater detail.

DC Comics in a nutshell.

Cave and his buddies kill The Whisperer in an exciting action movie sequence that totally doesn't defy any comic book law (since there aren't any. Anything can happen in a comic book as long as it gets the plot moving. Also, many stupid things happen in comic books that don't advance the plot at all and just make me think, "Why did I spend three dollars on this thing?"). But they don't have time to celebrate because Edward Borsten explodes out of the dead Whisperer's head as some kind of telekinetic alien fish monster. Cave has no idea how to stop it. But don't worry! Cave Carson isn't the only main character in this comic book. Have you forgotten about his cybernetic eye?! It rips itself out of his head and storms off to finish the fight!

I guess next issue will be a staring contest.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not sure if Cave Carson got over his impotence this issue or not? He has a moment where his dead wife mentions that she still drives him crazy, so she must have noticed he was popping a boner. Plus when his eye popped out at the end, it was like blowing a load but not as gross. Also, he defeated the gigantic phallus with his own drill. Plus Wild Dog screamed "Fuck you, Daddy!" during the fight scene and that's pretty much quintessential sex talk. I think the second arc of this comic book is going to be about Cave Carson dealing with his regained manhood.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #5

Did the cybernetic eye cause Cave Carson's impotency or is it just a metaphor for his condition?

Yesterday, I asked, "Lately, most new followers on Tumblr have basically been adverts for shitty Internet business scams (or something. Whatever). Even more so than the porn followers! Is Tumblr done?" It wasn't meant to be a hipsteresque taking down of the site. It was meant in good faith because a good percentage of the Followers I've been getting lately are accounts that obviously aren't just people enjoying Tumblr but using it for some kind of (probably shady!) business. Then today I got this Follower:

What is this even?! This is why I added the "or something. Whatever" to my query! Is it a site meant to garner a lot of Followers so that it can begin to sell advertising? And if so, who are the simpletons following it?!

The first picture post on Man Planet...excuse me..."MAN pLaNeT" is of a woman in a short dress bending over as she reaches into a car exposing the gusset of her undergarments. The tags on this picture are not "I forgot something!", "gusset," "Time to jerk off!", or "accident waiting to happen." No, the tags are cars, bikes, girls, tatt, tatts, tattoo, hotrod, hotrods, motorbikes, and ratrod. Since none of those have anything to do with this image (except, I suppose, the car the woman is leaning into. But since that isn't the focus of the pic (her vagina is!), it seems weird to tag the image with car while not tagging it with vagina), it's obviously just a site using a bunch of tags presumed to garner the attention of men into things like "ratrods" and "tatts" and "girls."

Most of the images after that first one are indeed cars and motorbikes and tatts (I'm fairly certain I lose one more day at the end of my life every time I type, think, or say "tatts"). They're the kind of images that make me exclaim, "Yawn!" But then you get to this image:

This is the definition of cognitive dissonance for residents of MAN pLaNeT. "I love me some Jack Daniels...but it's blocking boobies!"

MAN pLaNeT exemplifies the reason I don't turn on the widget to show people who follow me. Why would I give them any extra traffic? They're also the type of account that I usually block when they follow me but now that I've mentioned them, they feel a bit like a mascot. And now that I have a mascot, I hope those jerks over at Weird Science Blog don't try to steal it before the big homecoming game!

Enough about my cute little new plaything, MAN pLaNeT. It's time to discuss Cave Carson's impotency (a thing followers of MAN pLaNeT never have to worry about! MAN pLaNeT! Where men can jerk off to women whose naughty bits are covered by alcohol and beef jerky, even though with one click of the mouse they could find actual porn. MAN pLaNeT! This has been a sponsored ad...I hope! Send me a check, MAN pLaNeT!).

This issue begins with somebody telling the history of the Muldroog people. Those are the race of underground mole people who Cave Carson discovered when he could still get it up. One of the Muldroog women agreed to marry him because she was impressed with the size and power of his drill. She eventually died but not before she and Cave had a daughter. Her daughter is now just finding out that she's Muldroogianese. So maybe she's the one getting the history lesson.

Basically the Muldroog were like Scientologists. They followed the ancient teachings of a space alien. But instead of living in a volcano, their space alien lived in a crystal. Now, I might be getting some of this wrong because I'm still thinking about MAN pLaNeT and also I don't really know anything about Scientology except that it's another religious scam that makes some people happy and other people rich and some people miserable. Just like the Muldroog's alien in crystal which made the Muldroogian society more technologically advanced than the surface people but at a cost. That cost was...freedom!

Cave Carson, Chloe Carson, and Wild Dog are listening to a Muldroog witchdoctor give a history of Muldroog while they eat a hallucinogenic treat called Night Pudding. It leads to Chloe stripping naked and swimming. This comic book has more real nudity than MAN pLaNeT! And it's probably artistic and not titillating, right? Although try to convince my penis of that!

There's also another scene about the father of the owner of the company that Cave just quit being a fungus monster who has been using Muldroog technology to get rich. Even though he's obviously the monstrous bad guy, his son's spelunking team led by Ace the Corporate Sycophant doesn't seem to mind. They're probably mind controlled by some kind of goo emitted by Edward Borsten, father of Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail.

Anyway, I'll let the comic book explain what EBX (the company Cave worked for that was formerly called Edward Borsten and Sons) has in mind for the Muldroogs. Otherwise I'll be here all day, lost in digressions. And afterward, nothing would be any clearer! And since I barely wrote anything about last month's issue, I'm getting perilously close to being too confused to understand what is going on. This next page helps explain the basic premise of the series so far.

Whew! Now I'm thoroughly anchored to the plot! At least for a few more issues.

Why does EBX need Cave Carson to operate the drill? Because this is a story about Cave Carson's impotency, remember?! For some reason, EBX needs Cave Carson's virility to return before they can free The Whisperer from its underground prison. Johnny Blake might know how to fuck but he's just not good enough to compare to Cave in his prime.

It turns out The Whisperer's prison is encased in inertron! That shit can't be drilled at all. But it can, somehow, be formed into flexible wings that once allowed the juvenile Harvest to glide around Gotham and New York City. So the only way into the prison is via the DNA of the Muldroogian Royal Bloodline. That means Chloe, the only symbol left of Cave Carson's sexual potency, can penetrate the vault. But when EBX attacks in just a few seconds, they'll discover they have captured the king and don't need the granddaughter anyway.

During the attack, Team EBX remembers how Cave Carson came to their aid and they're all, "Fuck this shit! We're out! Let's find Floppy Dick Carson!" Johnny Blake is stabbed while escaping with the team but he'll probably live. His name is Johnny Blake! That's the name of a character who doesn't die.

#cars #bikes #girls #tatt #tatts #tattoo #hotrod #hotrods #motorbikes #ratrod

Cave and his step-mother meet back up with Chloe and her new gang of skinny dippers as well as Wild Dog and Team EBX. That was nice and quick and easy! Jon Rivera really knows which parts of a story to not fucking tell! That's a quality I admire in a writer. Some writers go five or six issues telling parts of the story that don't need to be told!

Cave Carson's plan is to hook his phone up to the Mighty Mole so he can get cell reception. Then he auto dials Superman. I guess Batman never gave him his number.

Ouch! Ghosted by Superman!

If you read the previous caption and felt the overwhelming compulsion to respond, "The reason he didn't get through is because Superman is dead," you might be an Actually Nerd.

If you read the previous page and realized it's a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotence and his daughter expressing the statement, "Don't worry, it happens to everybody," you've been paying attention!

The issue ends with a horde of Fungus Men bearing down on Cave Carson and his new and improved team of Spelunkers and Misfits. He's probably going to have to get advice from real, virile man, Johnny Blake. Man, that's going to be rough.

The back-up story is more fun with the Super Powers by Tom Scioli. That is all.

The Ranking!
+2! Even though Cave Carson's Cybernetic Eye took a back seat this issue, it was really enjoyable! I guess this series isn't just one big gimmick.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #4

Cave Carson and the Chamber of Sea Creatures.

In this issue, Team EBX confronts Team Carson and comes away a better team. Team EBX is almost killed deep in the caves (one of the twins is murdered) but Cave Carson saves the rest. Most of the crew think, "Why are we after this Carson guy? He seems cool." But Ace the Corporate Sycophant points out that they have to continue to pursue Cave Carson because that's their role in the comic book. It looks like Cave will eventually convince the surviving members of Team EBX to join his crew and they'll topple Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail's empire. But first Cave Carson finds his wife's parents still alive and has to break the news to them that they lived too long because their daughter is dead.

What Did I Learn?
I'm sitting up in a tiny office with a space heater blowing warm, comfortable air all over me and I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. What I'm trying to say is that I've learned that I'm exhausted and it's time to go to sleep. I think Cave Carson is still having erection troubles. It's hard to tell since I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I'm so tired!

The Ranking!
No change.

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #3

Have you ever had one of those not so fresh feelings?

I once said about starting feuds with comic book writers and artists that I don't partake in that kind of immature shit. I'll write my reviews and link to them on Twitter (sometimes? I usually forget it's a thing) but I never engage them directly to point out their flaws. Sometimes I'll praise somebody over Twitter and, as Gail Simone pointed out once, possibly tagging them in my blogposts is a form of trolling. I hadn't thought about it that way when I first began this blog; I just tagged everything so I could easily reference who wrote what previously, or what colorist worked on...oh, who am I kidding? I don't give a shit about colorists! Anyway, that's all changed now that we have a sentient pile of garbage in the White House who sends Gríma Wormtongue out every day to lie the American people. If Cullen Bunn really wants to see me at my most "pathetic, scummy, and desperate," he should watch me in action as I tweet insults at Trump and Spicer on a daily basis. I'm just trying to speak their language!

Just a reminder that this happened! I made it, Ma! I truly made it!

So Cave Carson is now an outlaw in both the literal sense of the word and the other sense of the word. Unless there's just one sense to the word. I mean, he's an outlaw because he stole a ship. But he's also an outlaw because he's cool and has a beard. So that's like two senses, right? But the sense that matters is the one where he committed a crime. He's stolen the Drill Machine from EBX and kept them from taking his daughter (which makes him the best kind of hero: the anti-capitalist anti-outlaw hero outlaw!). Now he's off to help save the Muldroogoons (I hope that's what they're called because I can't be bothered to look up how to spell their nationality. I think it's okay to not care because they're fictional) before EBX can take their oil or their unobtainium or whatever. Actually, I think I could have just said unobtainium but that would just seem like I was referencing Avatar and without the "oil" part, you couldn't tell I was also criticizing America.

Before I forget, I need to remind myself that this entire series is a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotence.

See? This makes total sense now, right?

That's my favorite thing to yell before I have sex! "Strap on! I'm going under! Is this where I should be? Have I lost my virginity yet? Oops!"

Oh! The Drill Machine is called The Mighty Mole. No wait. Is that Cave's penis? I guess it's both! Metaphor!

This issue is called "Deep Issues" because impotence isn't just surface deep. I mean, the main part of it is on the surface. You know the floppy part I mean! But that part is usually due to something psychological. And that means digging down to the root of the problem! You've got to spelunk until you can spunk again!

Cave and his crew burrow into the earth to try to evade the monster. They wind up in a cave with crystals that make worms grow larger. I have a feeling some of you have been rolling your eyes and making jerking off motions with your hands every time I mentioned how this book was a metaphor for impotence.

Now, I don't think you need to apologize since the proof that I was correct just keeps growing and growing (like the worms deep in Cave's subconscious which he imagines can grow big. Because that's what he most wants. See?). But you should probably allow yourself to admit that I might be the greatest comic book reader of all time.

After Cave Carson's big worms solve all of his problems, the team dig deeper into Cave's issues. We have seen explicitly what will solve his problem. But we still don't know what caused it and how Cave can get to a place where his worm can grow big again.

Meanwhile, Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail is organizing the EBX Team to chase down Cave Carson and not to kill him at all. In the old days, the crew would be a white guy with blonde hair, a white guy with brown hair, a black guy, a woman with blonde hair, an overly energetic kid, and an animal of some kind. But this is the modern era where representation matters! I mean, it mattered back then but only if you were white or the one black guy living in a white neighborhood. Now the team is a white guy with blond hair, a white guy with brown hair, a black guy, a brown woman, an Asian guy, and two majorly fucking hot twins. I mean I can't tell their race due to the red light and because Ace doesn't call them by name. I can't really tell the race of the brown lady either but her name is Marquez and I think only latinxes have last names with both Qs and Zs in them.

While taking a break deep underground at one of the Cave Carson Caches of emergency equipment, Cave hallucinates his dead wife and decides to have a visually symbolic moment.

Those crystals look like a bouquet of boners.

Here we see that if he could just get his wife back, his impotence would be cured. But that's impossible, right? There's no way she's still alive somewhere underground. Right?

Team Carson heads for Muldroog to discover that just about everybody in the city has been slaughtered. Next month is another mystery to discover.

There's also a back-up story that's the true secret origin of Green Arrow and it is my favorite Green Arrow comic of all time.

What Did I Learn?
I learned that impotence is a difficult thing to get past. Not that I've ever had to get past it! And even if I did, it's nothing to be ashamed of! It just means you suck at pleasing women. Ha ha! Loser!

The Ranking!
+1!

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #2

Drilling your own cave isn't technically spelunking.

I'm not sure how I feel about Cave Carson drilling into the Earth. The Earth is round like an egg and often called a mother. Cave Carson is a one-eyed monster who loves to penetrate dark openings. Drilling down into my Mother against her will feels icky, especially when it's a Young Animal comic book. Because I know Young Animal comic books are supposed to mean more than what's on the surface. That's what this whole book about a spelunker is about! You're supposed to explore the deeper, darker hidden meanings in things! And when that deeper, darker hidden meaning winds up being the message "Fuck your mother," I feel a bit insulted. Does Gerard Way think I'm not man enough to insult my own mother? Fuck his mother!

This issue begins with the tale of how Cave Carson lost his eye. I'll sum it up in one word: carelessness! No wait! I have a better word: naiveté! Also maybe curiosity? Trust? Stupidity? Okay, I've discovered there are a lot of ways to explain why Cave Carson now has a cybernetic eye. I suppose you can't blame him. If I were crawling around a dark cave trying to avoid being killed by a Magma Troll, I'd probably assume the cutesy little robot orb with legs that dropped from the cave ceiling was friendly too. Don't believe anybody who might suggest I'd run screaming from the cave at the slightest sound and would never have even seen the cybernetic eye.

Fredric Wertham's anti-comic boner would have grown three sizes today.

This entire book is just a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotency, isn't it? He "retired" from exploring caves. His wife "died." He needs another man, Wild Dog, to operate his "drill." If you rearrange the letters in "Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye," you get "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner" (said in a cave thus the echoes).

Cave Carson's daughter, Chloe, is out with her boyfriend shopping for podcasting equipment so her father can spend all the free time he has from not having sex podcasting.

Christ, Chloe! Do you have to tell everybody about your dad's condition?!

Last issue, Cave Carson uncovered a mystery! The corporation which trains all the young spelunkers is involved in evilness and treachery! What a shock! That's the theme to Doom Patrol too! That's two of the four Young Animal books that are against capitalism and corporations! Shade the Changing Girl is about how bullying is bad and Mother Panic is about how art is murder.

Cave Carson realizes he needs to fight back. Dammit. Why did I use that phrase, "fight back"?! Now I want to watch old episodes of Fight Back with David Horowitz! I wonder if there are any on YouTube? Excuse me while I dive into this nearby rabbit hole. Time and writing being what they are, you won't even notice I'm gone!

See? I'm back! I also took a few moments to troll Sean Spicer on Twitter. The only power I feel I have as an American is to belittle and humiliate these assholes' words and actions since they don't give a shit about anything other than themselves. They don't care if we call them on their alternative facts or that we're against the things they're doing that we can't stop. But I'm fairly certain Sean Spicer gets tired of people asking him how good Trump's hand-jobs are. I think the movement we need, as Americans (oh, I also invite people from around the globe to join in. I know Joel Lycett is already enjoying doing it), is for each of us to tweet some insult to Donald Trump and Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway once per day. Just let them feel our disapproval, even if it's just their assistants reading the Tweets. You have to make them funny though, especially if assistants are reading the Tweets. The more they get some good laughs out of insulting their bosses, the more they're apt to engage in tiny worker rebellions around the office.

Oh, um, anyway, Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye meets with Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail to discuss the problems between EBX and the Muldroogian Mole People. Paul is all, "Oh shit yeah! We totes knows what's going down, Cave! We're on it, bro! But we need your daughter to help!" And Cave is all, "You need a championship Kick Puncher?" But instead of asking Chloe for her help because she might say no, Paul decides to kidnap her and force her on his new Corporate Cave Exploring Team. Cave probably won't like that and he'll have to bring the entire organization down, John McClane style. Or Rambo style. I mean, take your pick. There are so many movies where one lone white man saves the world that nobody ever asks themselves, "Why are fucking white guys so Goddamned confident and arrogant?"

What a man!

Using her world-championship Kick Punching skills, Chloe gets away from the EBX Agents. Using his naughty pen, Cave Carson gets away from Paul Has a Douchey Ponytail. Oh, he also quits EBX and steals the Drill Machine. Time to get his Indie Kickstarter Cave Exploration Team going!

Cave picks up Wild Dog first because he needs a Republican on his team to kill indiscriminately. Being a Democrat, Cave Carson has to be particular about the people he can do violence to and sometimes it's better to just kill anybody who seems to be trying to kidnap your daughter. Killing anybody and feeling no remorse is practically Wild Dog's only super power.

Too bad for Cave and Chloe and Wild Dog, the bad guys don't just die when they're shot. They pop a pill and transform into a monster.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that it's hard to read a comic book and write about it when you're busy reading your Twitter feed because you follow a lot of sassy monsters who don't take any shit from Twitter idiots. I've figured out the best way to use Twitter, by the way. You say things that are true. When somebody responds angrily with their anti-truths which they truly believe because they are desperately unsatisfied with who they've become as an adult, you don't bother engaging with them. You just tell them to shut the fuck up or call them a name and move on. Because trying to have a rational argument with an irrational person will almost certainly lead to high blood pressure and a stroke at a young age. People who don't know what they're talking about don't deserve dialogue. They need to be beat with the word stick, patted on the butt, and shoved along to the kiddy table.

The Ranking!
No change!

Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye #1

Stupid title ruined the surprise twist!

From the moment I heard about this title, I couldn't help but think it was trying too hard. First it's a Young Animal imprint which means it already thinks it's way cooler than all the other comic books. And then it had to have the most absurd name they could think of. Granted, it is a comic book about Cave Carson. Who would pick up a comic book just called Cave Carson? Or, more probably since this is the age of cool minimalist titles, "Cave"? I'm surprised Sugar & Spike wasn't called Sugar & Spike Produce an Awful Lot of Sexual Tension.

But since I continue to pick up and read nearly every comic DC puts out, it seemed like maybe I should read it. Although I don't read all of the Vertigo books, so why bother with the Young Animal books? Well, mostly because they're still connected to DC's mainstream superhero universe. These are characters that spun out of DC's main universe where the Vertigo books all take place in their own little, more realistic (or, at the very least, pretentiously serious) worlds. I suppose if I had more time and money, I'd read all the Vertigo books too. And the Image books. And Elfquest. And actual books that generally don't have any pictures in them at all!

The issue begins with Cave sticking two fingers in his eye and thinking about dead people from his past. I'd probably recognize them if I were twenty years older since I probably would have been reading Cave Carson books as well as Challengers of the Unknown and Secret Six and Suicide Squad and all of the other comics featuring fairly normal people in groups containing a dark haired guy, a blond haired guy, a black guy, a woman, and a cheeky kid.

Cave Carson and his daughter attend the funeral of Cave Carson's wife. She must have died while exploring subterranean landscapes full of aliens. After the funeral, Cave Carson goes home to drink milk straight out of the carton. I used to do that when I was a kid! And I really don't know how I did it or why because the rough inner edge of the carton touching my lips was one of the most horrible textures I've ever experienced. Granted, most of my textural experience is pretty mundane. It's not like I've ever stuck my dick in a jellyfish, or licked a porcupine backwards, or felt the warm, loving embrace of another human being.

Fuck you and your cybernetic eye, Cave Carson! That patch isn't meaningless at all! I'd learn to kick punch for it!

Also fuck everybody who judges how another person parents, especially when they judge it positively with that whole "Parenting: you're doing it right!" bullshit. No parent ever parents right! To parent right, you have to parent wrong 90% of the time! If your kid doesn't hate you at least half of the time they're awake, you're definitely parenting incorrectly. Discussions of parenting always make me think of a Tumblr post at an outdoor concert where a young toddler is on the shoulders of the man half of a young heterosexual couple and a bunch of people's reblogged comments express their belief that this is the best parenting ever done by anybody. Fucking idiots. First off, the toddler might fucking hate crowds, loud noises, his parent's shitty music, sucking down second hand pot smoke, the heat, and/or everything. Second off, no adult wants to be greeted by surprise children in a place they had previously assumed was an adult venue. How would you feel if you had just snorted two lines of coke and were about to get your vag eaten in the middle of a mosh pit and you looked up to see a toddler staring down at you? That would totally ruin the mood! Probably. I mean, maybe you're into babies watching you come. Who am I to judge?! I mean, I'll judge the parents! But not how you get your rocks off!

Wait. Didn't I just begin that paragraph against judging parents and then all I did was judge parents while trying to judge the people who judge parents? Oh, who cares! Life is hard!

Later, Cave Carson takes his car to the shop. Ha! Hilarious! His first name is Cave and he explores caves! And his last name is Carson and he has a car!

At the mechanic, we get more perceptive and biting social commentary, this time about how cars are so fucking complicated now and yet do less! So true! How does anybody work on them anymore?! Not that I ever knew how to work on them before. My preferred method of keeping my Volkswagen running was lining the dashboard with Sailor Scouts and caressing the steering wheel on occasion while muttering, "Come on, girl. You've got this!"

After the mechanic scene which will probably matter later since I don't know what it was about (will this be a murder mystery? Did the mechanic do it?!), Cave Carson goes into work to visit with his younger coworkers. One of them is named Ace Has No Eyes at All! Another is Paul Has a Douchey Ponytail. Another is MacGregor Has a Recklessly Carefree Attitude. And then there's Jeanette Has an Overcompensating Vagina. This team is just lousy with members who have things!

Cave Carson's cybernetic eye decides to see colorful, rainbow images of his dead wife while he's talking to a co-worker. Probably because she's not dead at all but has just been captured by inner core aliens! Unless she is dead because she was murdered by the mechanic.

At dinner with his daughter, Cave Carson talks about his eye a little bit. Although he doesn't explain what it's doing inside of him.

The eye also sees how you're full of Daniel's semen.

Cave Carson needs to get the eye checked out so he pays a visit to Doc Magnus. Currently, the Metal Men are not inside of Doc Magnus's anal cavity so the meeting isn't as awkward as it could have been. Doc Magnus has some weird hobbies that I'm totally not judging by calling them weird! It's just some things need to be factually weird, right? Like a penchant for sticking Responsometers up your ass, right?

Oh wait. Maybe I was wrong. What does he mean by neck deep in responsometers? Eww!

After a quick glance at Carson's eye, Doc Magnus concludes that it's mysterious. He doesn't even know what kind of metal it's made out of! That's ironic, right? RIGHT?! The guy who made the Metal Men?! No? Fuck you.

Doc Magnus's advice for Cave Carson is to wear a magnet on his head while he sleeps. Well, that about wraps it up for Doc Magnus, I guess! From serious scientist to Coast to Coast AM crackpot! I imagine the magnet on the head, with a reversed polarity, was the only way Magnus could get the responsometers out of his anus.

Later that night, Cave Carson is visited by a Muldroogian warning that EBX, the company Carson works for, is killing Muldroog. Then she transforms into a frog monster and tries to kill Cave Carson. But he kills her first with a drill that was conveniently lying about on his computer work table! If I were suddenly attacked by a frog monster, I'd probably have to beat it to death with a large plastic Lobo sculpture.

Obviously Cave Carson has to investigate this mystery since Muldroog is inside a cave and he's like an expert on going into caves! But he can't reach out to EBX because they're the evil, vile corporation that's doing the evil and vile things. You know, just like corporations are supposed to do! Boy, these Young Animal comic books are really going out on a limb to point out how corporations are evil! I hope the backlash for saying such controversial things doesn't get them shut down! Since Carson can't contact EBX about this, he has to go to his mechanic. Oh! So that's why he was introduced! He's part of Cave Carson's Non-Corporate, Totally Indie Kickstarter Team that he's going to have to put together to battle the out of control mega-corporation! Rock on!

Also, Cave Carson's mechanic is Wild Dog.

Please tell me that costume has pants folded on the hanger under the shirt. Please. Oh God please.

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye (*)
5. Suicide Squad (*)
6. Wonder Woman (*)
7. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
8. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
9. DK III: The Master Race (*)
10. The Flash (*)
11. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
12. Earth 2: Society (*)

If anybody is paying attention, I adjusted my rankings a bit because I can't be bogged down on where I think a comic book should be in the rankings but how much I enjoy each comic book over another. So I put Suicide Squad up a few since Wonder Woman and Hal Jordan have been boring me more than Suicide Squad has. Even though I think there are a lot of critical reasons DC Comics is fucking up Suicide Squad right now (most of those reasons have to do with putting Jim Lee on pencils), I still enjoy it more than Rucka's current Wonder Woman and Venditti's Hal Jordan. And Venditti's Hal Jordan could easily slip past Rucka's Wonder Woman! One of them just has to stop being mostly boring!

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1

Didn't Arkham already deal with Jokerface?

Hey remember in Detective Comics #15 when Clayface raped Poison Ivy and nobody fucking said "Boo!" about it? What a missed opportunity for outrage! It was even a Death in the Family tie-in! Maybe I just never saw any posts about it. It seems like something people would have been concerned about plus they would have felt righteously indignant at something DC Comics put out. Win-win!

Endgame is that story in Batman that has yet to come to a conclusion even though the first week of Convergence books shipped. I think Batman is late! I'm sure they planned it this way for some reason but I'd rather be reading Batman #40 by Scott Snyder than Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 by Frank Tieri. Frank Tieri?! Are you kidding? Didn't he take over on Deathstroke or Team 7 or something? Whatever he wrote so far in The New 52, I wasn't a fan! But then, I'm not a fan of much of anything if it doesn't involve a hand on my penis. Usually my hand but I'll take a raccoon paw with a near thumb if one is free and available.

The issue begins with Harvey Bullock interrogating some guy named Stone about something horrible that happened at Arkham Manor. Let me guess! There was a riot and a bunch of inmates escaped! Nailed it! Probably.

Oh, and this is an Endgame book so they were all Jokerized. Jokerised for my British friends.

I don't actually have any British friends. Although I do have two friends currently living in Britain! Hi Ron and Rob! Smoke a kipper for me or whatever they do over there that isn't too weird.

This is the beginning of the story! Why is Eric Border wearing an inmate's jumpsuit?

I think Stone is lying to Harvey to cover up something horrible Stone did. It's so obvious because that's what Harvey thinks too. And Harvey has a mug that says World's Greatest Detective on it.

Joker opens all the cells and throws a Joker smoke bomb that give great big grins to all of the escapees. Zsasz makes an appearance! And then Bane! And then Clayface! And then Poison Ivy! And then Mr. Freeze! It's an all star cast! All of those Arkhamites except Zsasz were unaffected by the Joker Gas and were looking to find an easy way out. So they recruited Stone to get them out of the Manor. Bane probably should have stayed inside Arkham because he's going to get his ass beat by Killer Croc on the outside. Oh wait. That's Batman Eternal not Endgame. I really need a timeline for this shit!

Also, what is Bane doing in Arkham? Isn't he more of a Blackgate kind of guy?

They try to fight their way to the exit but it's no use because STONE IS FUCKING LYING HIS ASS OFF! I just know it! Bane in Arkham? Ridiculous! When did Arkham start providing rehab?

Where is Jack Shaw when you need him?

The Joker was actually Jeremiah Arkham in a Joker wig. Stone knocks him out cold and all the Jokerized victims stop acting like crazed Jokerized victims. Were they all pretending just to get in good with The Joker? I think this Arkham riot was just a serious case of peer pressure. Bullock and the Gotham SWAT Team show up to get things under control. Which isn't something that would have happened if everybody was truly Jokerized. So I think my peer pressure theory stands.

During the ordeal, Bane and Poison Ivy and Clayface and Mr. Freeze escape. And that's why Harvey's grilling Stone because he thinks Stone helped set them free for some payola. But Harvey figures he can't prove anything and lets him go. But Jeremiah Arkham gets fitted for a straight jacket and shoved into a cell. Who's going to run this place now?

Arkham Manor: Endgame #1 Rating: I don't really rate these one-shots or the annuals or any of these extraneous titles. I like that it starred Harvey Bullock. He should always be the investigator when Arkham Manor returns for more stories. And let him prove to be a great detective at times! But also one that relies on his gut too often and tends to make his own investigations harder than they need to be by ignoring the clues because his gut is all, "Don't worry about evidence, Harvey! Get me a danish! Also, that ugly fucker that looked at you squint-eyed probably did it. And even if he didn't do it, wouldn't you like to rough him up a bit, Harvey? Also, wouldn't you like to put a Kit-Kat in me? Come on! I'm stahvin' 'ere!"

Detective Comics: Endgame #1

How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.

I really hope this comic book doesn't spoil the end of Snyder's Endgame. I'm sure it will just be about a bunch of people punching a bunch of other people with Joker grimaces on their faces in their faces. Sometimes my editor thinks I should rework my sentences so that they aren't so convoluted but then I put my finger in her face and scowl, "No! Where is the fun in that?" But then I wish I'd said "Where is the fun in that?" in a more convoluted way. And often I just wind up feeling guilty for talking back to my pretend editor when she's just trying to do her pretend job improving my pretend writing skills.

This issue begins during the Joker Riots of Whatever Year This Is (not to be confused with the Joker Riots of Whatever Year Came Before This and the Joker Riots of Whatever Year Came Before That, et cetera, et cetera (Fun Fact! My pretend editor's name is Et Cetera (I might be stretching the definition of "fact" and "fun" with that fun fact))) before Detective Yip shot Lonnie in the face for being a youth on the street during a time of crisis. No wait! It probably occurs after Lonnie got shot by Yip and was released from the hospital with his Anarky gift mask or else how could Lonnie decide to don a mask he doesn't own and become Anarky to help stop the anarchy caused by The Joker?

You see, The Joker's anarchy is the bad kind of anarchy. It's the kind of anarchy that most people think of when they hear the word. It's the kind that movies and comic books would like you to believe would take the place of civilization if our system of laws were ever to be thrown in the toilet. It's belief in this kind of anarchy that causes an outcry for more control of the populace and encourages fascist regimes to take control. So Anarky has to use the good kind of anarchy (some might say "vigilantism") to stop the spread of the bad kind of anarchy!

Anarchy is really the most mature of all social philosophies and political ideals. It posits the theory that we are all fucking adults who can take care of ourselves. Most people want a nanny state and a protective father figure ensuring their safety so they can blissfully walk about with their noses stuck in their cell phones. But order and control is just an illusion and we're all in a perpetual state of denial. The law of everybody's neighborhood is actually anarchy. At any moment, if just a tiny fraction of the population decided to do whatever the fuck they felt like it, the system would break down. That means that the system is just an illusion that we have all agreed to for our own selfish reasons. That's anarchy, people! Citizens (white ones, anyway) might feel safer knowing that there is a police force to protect their lives or, more importantly it seems, their property. But even if a neighborhood police force didn't exist, people would still protect themselves. So now you'd have neighbors living in the exact same community but having to maintain their own protection. Basically what you'd have is the same thing you have now but probably more weapons and deadbolts in every single house in your neighborhood. But you'd almost certainly still have the same community. All that road warrior bullshit? It might happen in like Texas or something (not Austin) but most people are still going to be decent people if "the law" were to suddenly not exist. The evidence is all around you every day. Sometimes people do shitty, murderous, nutty things and they'll do it whether laws exist or not. Anarchy is not something to be feared! It's an ideal to be striven for!

Did I use "striven" correctly? Fuck it! Of course I did! I'm an anarchist and I can use it however I want!

He is an anarchist. He does know he doesn't have to sign his name at the end of each text, right?

That's the only page I've read so far but judging by the cover, Lonnie is going to don the Anarky mask and get to work protecting his mother and, I guess, Gotham by whatever means necessary! By the end of the issue, he'll have spray painted the Anarky symbol on the Bat Signal and have jerked off onto the back of a homeless person's head while listening to some radio friendly "punk rock" like Sublime, Green Day, or Blink 182. Anarchy!

Lonnie winds up getting shot at by some Joker cops (or normal cops. Really, what's the difference, amirite?) and meets a guy named Dax. Dax has an "X" in his name, a septum piercing, and a mohawk hairstyle (originally made famous by General Mohawk during the civil war. I think) which instantly identifies him as an anarchist and totally chill dude except when it comes to discussing society at large! Lonnie is about to hear some truth down in here! And probably some really crazy shit about Project Cloverleaf and how AIDS was created to kill black men and was, in the late seventies and early eighties, an actual ingredient of malt liquor.

Who would have guessed?! They're punks!

Dax's friends are Dre and Riko. They're anarchists too! When Lonnie asks if they're heroes, Riko (or Dre) says, "Nah. We're just us." Now that whole "just us/justice" thing might have been clever the first bazillion times people began to use it. But here it's clever again because of the theme of anarchy and how everybody is responsible for their own happiness and safety. And guess what helps make somebody's selfish desire for happy and safety to come about? Keeping your community happy and safe as well! So you see, an anarchist has a truly selfish reason for helping to keep their local community safe. So Dre, Dax, and Riko don't need the cops. They have "just us."

Also, Lonnie turns out to be some genius hacker that goes by the name of Moneyspider. A hacker! Those guys are total anarchists! And his mom is a stripper. Pure anarchy!

I might be shouting "Anarchy!" too much. I think everybody gets what the comic book is about. Sorry.

Does anybody sense a crazy, wacky Anarky title in the style of Burnside Batgirl? Can you say "Anarchy"? Sorry.

Ann Nocenti spent six issues writing dialogue for some truly beautiful characters drawn by Trevor McCarthy and not once made them interesting or gave me any reason to care about them. Dax and his gang look like your average, run-of-the-mill comic book characters and, in just a few pages, Brian Buccellato has created a group of kids whose monthly comic book I would pick up and read.

Trevor McCarthy really did draw an adorable looking Zell. Although she could have been a little chunkier.

Lonnie ditches his new friends to go save his mother as you probably know if you actually read the page I scanned so why am I typing this paragraph? But what you might not have known is that they decide to go after him because he's Moneyspider! Or because they just liked the cut of his jib. Is that sexist?

Oh my god! They fly?! I guess gravity is a law and fuck laws, amirite?! Anarchy!

They're not actually flying. That was just the artist's interpretation of three kids jumping from one roof to another in the most absurd way possible. But if you're going to be a hero in Gotham and have any hope of starring in your own comic book, you've got to be able to jump from one rooftop to the next.

The Anarkids run into the Batfamily in the middle of a Jokerfuffle. They don't have time to help them save a stripper because they judge. So they send Spoiler to help them out.

Since Batman Eternal, Spoiler apparently got her hands on some kind of growth formula.

Spoiler's plan is to shoot a few Joker Citizens with tranq darts but Lonnie has a better plan! Spray paint joker smiles on masks fished out of the strip club's dumpster, spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning the buffalo wing sauce and ranch dressing off of them, put them on, and storm the strip club! Then it's hugs and dollar bills all around! Happy endings for everybody!

Detective Comics: Endgame #1 Rating: Since this issue ended with a "The Beginning..." closer, I'm going to jump off a limb and say this is a pilot for a monthly Anarky series depending on how well it sells. I'm all in for that series as long as Buccellato is writing it. How about instead of teaming Buccellato up with Manapul, give him Justin Gray for awhile! Then Jimmy Palmiotti can use Manapul and we'll see if more magic happens! Or at least maybe some writer's block curing handjobs.

Batman Annual #3

Titling this Batman/Joker story arc "Endgame" seems a bit premature for a universe that's barely three years old. And in which we've only read one real Joker/Batman story. Possibly two. Maybe.

This issue begins with a flashback to five years ago when The Joker and Harley were still dating. They're planning a big circus in Gotham with lots and lots of laughing people in animal costumes that probably aren't dying from poison gas. No, no, don't worry about them. Convulsing on the floor and giggling is just part of the act! And because nobody in their right mind wants to go to a circus, the circus will come to the people and drive them straight out of their right mind!

Having just returned to Gotham after five years out of country, Thomas Blackcrow (who really began this issue in a cell in Arkham Manor but I didn't want to talk about him because he's just this guy, you know?), has decided to interview The Joker! It's going to be the biggest scoop of a lifetime! Just wait until Lois Lane hears about this one! She'll fucking piss her panties!

Following a tip, Thomas Blackcrow sneaks into The Joker's lair where he spies on him for a bit as he tries to come up with an angle for his story.

I have a good angle! Find out why anybody would be crazy enough to work for this maniac! How does he find enough muscle to pull off all his insane games? How does he pay for his elaborate traps?!

Oh wait. That story is solved on the very next page.

I guess it wasn't much of an angle.

My angle was better than the one Thomas Blackcrow comes up with! His angle is that The Joker is lonely and has no friends! Is that really much of an angle though? I mean, don't most men and women in positions of leadership forgo friendships because nobody can really be trusted? It doesn't seem like people are going to pick up their morning papers and feel sympathy when they read a maniac that terrorizes their city is fucking lonely.

But I get it. I know why he comes up with that angle. Because this story was called "Friends" and in it, we're going to learn why The Joker thinks of Batman as his friend. I should probably do a Friends update for this commentary! But I'm not going to because I'm way too busy to watch twenty minutes of a sitcom tonight.

And just in time to save Thomas Blackcrow, The Joker's BBF shows up!

That wasn't a typo! It's his Best Bat Friend! And the best Robin who has never let the world beat him down!

Batman and Robin haul in The Joker and Harley Quinn and Thomas Blackcrow publishes his piece called "The Loneliest Clown." Forget what I said about Lois Lane pissing her panties! Unless it's from laughter! This guy is a fucking hack! A clown! A joker!

So it's now one year after Tommy published his silly article and The Joker has escaped. And guess who he's come for?! His new bestest bud in all the world: Tommy Blackcrow!

I'm taking notes so I can try all of these things out on the next person I'd like to be my friend.

After this scare, The Joker is captured and put back in Arkham. But once again, peace for Tommy only lasts for six months.

The best part about this story so far is that it builds a nice history leading up to that Endgame story. So it's trying to help fix that problem I brought up in the caption for the cover scan. And all of these breakouts by The Joker aren't grand schemes that he's carrying out and making life difficult for Batman. It looks like The Batman catches him fairly easily each time. At least at first. I'm sure he's learning every time he battles The Bat.

That Joker is so sweet! Or did I mean creepy?

Once again, The Joker is caught only to escape one year later and visit Tommy again. This time Tommy is married and The Joker just comes by to meet his best friend's wife. They spend the evening looking at slides of The Joker's victims. But then it's time for The Joker to get back to work and Arkham, so he bids them adieu. For now.

Much later, Tommy's life falls apart as he constantly worries about The Joker's return. He checks up daily on The Joker's face to make sure it's still in the Gotham Police Department. Until one day he discovers The Joker has been working in the basement of his cabin, making faces for his next big joke to pull on Batman. And that's when Tommy finally loses it and gets thrown into Arkham. And that's where he meets Eric Border, his newest, bestest friend he's ever had ever!

Batman Annual #3 Rating: The Joker has made more friends than I have in the last ten years! Does that make me the loneliest clown now?