Justice League #19

I forgot to adult color this.

It's that time of month again! I mean, that time of every two weeks again! I wish there was an easier way to say that. I refuse to use the term "biweekly" until English speakers around the world hold a summit to disambiguate it. It can't continue to mean both twice a week and once every two weeks! I assure you that when the end of the world comes about, it will be due to a miscommunication between two people using the term biweekly.

So, um, anyway! It's that time of biweekly again (okay, so I cracked already! I'm going to use the term even if it sounds stupid in the context in which I've used it! Don't judge me! Especially when I'm about to seriously begin judging Bryan Hitch!) where I get to read a terrible Justice League story! Previously in this Bryan Hitch story (as opposed to previous Bryan Hitch stories which were basically the same as this one), a time traveler told the Justice League that they have to do what she says to save the world from some guy in the future. The Justice League, being dumb, said, "Okay! We're with you, time traveler who hasn't shown us any real identification or passed a Doctor Fate mindscan or was previously approved by Batman! We'll do it!" But now they have egg pie on their faces because that time traveler turned out to be Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time! I mean, sure, she did help them save the world from that future guy who was going to stick Earth in an interdimensional meat locker where the heroes would have been condemned to live out flashback episodes until the end of whatever time exists in a timeless space. But now that they saved the world from that threat, it turns out the person who helped them save the world in that way wants to destroy it in another way!

Let me stop myself here because I realized I'm telling the entire story incorrectly! What really happened with the first antagonist is that they were trying to save the universe from DC Continuity. Since it keeps changing and morphing and fucking up space/time, Tempus from the future was all, "Maybe we should isolate this thing? Put it in quarantine until it proves it isn't going to destroy everything else in the universe." But Superman and Batman and the Justice League were all, "No way, dude! We are undoubtedly a huge danger to the cosmos but we also have a little thing known as freedom, bitch!" Then the Justice League defeated this guy because he wanted to save the universe in a way that they didn't approve of. Instead, they would rather keep endangering the universe simply to have the freedom to be assholes. So that first part of the story did not reflect well on Superman or Batman. The rest of the Justice League didn't really know any better, being that they're all stupid dum-dums (especially Aquaman). Now the shocking big twist second half is beginning where the time traveler has revealed that her plan is to destroy everybody with super powers who has ever existed. That's another way to go to save the entire universe but, yet again, it's not going to be a Superman and Batman approved way of going about it. So Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, will have to be put in an interdimensional meat locker called The Phantom Zone. Which in no way makes the Justice League a bunch of hypocrites no matter how many times I think about it and come to the conclusion, "These guys are fucking hypocrites."

This issue does not begin with the title page I was hoping for: "Timeless Finale." Instead it's Part 5. It's possible part five is the final part but I've had my hopes raised up by the voices of sirens only to be dashed against the rocks of despair by life too many times to ever allow hope into my heart again. So I know this story is just going to keep going forever. It's right there in the title! Timeless!

For everybody who keeps wondering why I'm calling the new antagonist "Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time," this scan is for you. Obviously Bryan Hitch told Fernando Pasarin, "I want the Surprise Twist Big Bad to look like Dark Phoenix!" And Fernando said, "I will get out my tracing paper!"

If you're in a comic book and you're female and you suddenly reveal yourself to be evil, apparently your clothes begin disintegrating and you lose the top button on your jeans and you forget to put on shoes.

I feel I've been amiss in my review duties by not mentioning that in some future alternate reality, Lex Luthor has a mixed race daughter. I guess the human female reproductive organs he eventually implants into Mercy were from a black woman.

Superman's response to Molly (what kind of villain name is that?! I'm just going to keep calling her Dark Phoenix, if you don't mind!) is "Everyone with powers? Why?" I know what he's thinking. He's thinking, "Fucking Batman gets to live?! Why?!" Batman is probably doing the Cabbage Patch behind him right now.

Dark Phoenix's argument goes like this: the super powered people of Earth have become powerful in a way that doesn't aid in evolution and therefore they must be destroyed for the natural order to be set right. Or something. It's a little bit hard to follow because she's making a judgment as to what is necessary and what isn't necessary in the grand scheme of everything. She's one of those people who think the argument against playing God is an actual argument that makes sense. I thought the whole point of being made in God's image was to do everything that God would do! If we didn't strive to "play God," we'd be going against the prime directive instilled in our creation! We were made in His image so aren't we totally slacking off and not rising to our full potential if we refuse to play God?! Also, God doesn't exist so it's a terrible argument for why a person shouldn't do something. Although the basis of her argument is "I've seen the future and you're going to destroy the universe if you keep acting the way you're acting. So I'm going to destroy you instead." I suppose she could have said, "I'm going to ask you to stop being heroes" instead but she probably doesn't want to get punched in the face by Superman. Also, that would just wind up in another Watchmen or Kingdom Come story arc. And why read a Bryan Hitch version of one of those stories when those stories were already told as well as they could be already?!

While Superman and Jane (who later gets knocked out and becomes a conehead, so I guess she's J'onn's daughter from an alternate future?) battle Dark Phoenix, Batman flies off to get Superboy for some reason. It probably has to do with his being half-human or a child or something. He'll probably bring Jon to Dark Phoenix and say, "If you want to kill us all, I want you to start with this young boy! Kill him first, personally, and we'll allow you to kill all of us!" Then the arrow will fly exactly where aimed and Dark Phoenix will be unable to murder the human baby. I mean Jon.

Meanwhile all across time, the rest of the Justice League are learning that they've been partially duped by Dark Phoenix. Yes, they saved Earth from being moved to the end of space and time. But they've also given Dark Phoenix all the power of everything so that she can destroy them all. Whoops! So now they need to destroy the devices Dark Phoenix gave them which will strand them all through time. That's okay though because they're heroes. Plus it's not like Batman or Captain Atom haven't already done this whole trick of being displaced in time and still managed to find their way home.

Oh. Apparently she has no qualms about killing a young boy. I guess Batman was just sent to save him because Superman realized this was what the bad guy always does if given the chance. Can't hurt the hero? Kill their pet! Or, you know, child and wife, which is almost as bad.

Batman saves Jon and Lois by taking Molly's blast full in the face. He's knocked unconscious so he can't save them from the second blast. Luckily, the Justice League reappears at that moment to shut her down. I guess the Infinity Corporation took care of the time travel stuff. Molly makes sure to tell the Justice League that everybody is now going to die because they selfishly refused to be killed. I guess they'll just have to defeat The Watchmen the usual way that consists of lots and lots of punches!

Vincent, Jane, and Alexis of the Infinity Corporation have a bit of an epilogue where they're all, "Now we have to do what we came to this universe to do! With the help of Superman and the Justice League, we're going to set everything right! It's the only way to reinstate the universe of infinite Earths so that the Earth which we're from never gets destroyed by the Anti-Monitor! Unless it's something else that isn't as obvious and more probable."

The Ranking!
-1! I've yet to be won over by comic book stories that point out that the super heroes are the main threat to the safety of everybody on Earth. Fuck that stupid nonsense. It's kind of a terrible state that comic books have been placed in due to writers deconstructing the way super hero stories have been told for years. Super heroes began as inspirations. They were there to defend the innocent and help the helpless. But eventually lazy writers decided it was too hard to think up a story where the villain plotted to do something villainous and the hero had to figure it out and stop them. So instead they just began writing stories where the villains outright attacked the heroes. This happened for years until somebody was all, "The heroes make the places they live more dangerous because they're always the target of the bad guy's attack! Why are people standing for this?!" Then came the wave of "heroes have got to go!" bullshit stories. And so now we live in a world where superheroes are not inspiring because a whole shitload of dirtbag writers got the wrong message and decided superhero comic books were just about punching and violence. So it was okay if the only story was that the bad guy and the good guy fought. And now everybody's entire outlook of the superhero genre is that they're dangerous to civilians and they cause a lot of property damage just by existing and maybe everything would be better if they just went away? Well, I'll have no part of that crap! Can somebody please make the Justice League heroic again and not the enemy of all space and time? Please?

Justice League #18

The Tempus on the bottom looks like he's whispering "I'm going to put my dick in your blowhole now" to Aquaman.

Last Thursday, I went to Karaoke. I sang "East Bound and Down" by Jerry Reed (which I've been singing before the season of Archer where what's-her-name becomes a famous country singer) and "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne and "Can I Play With Madness?" by Iron Maiden and "Our House" by Madness and "Be My Lover" by Alice Cooper. It was probably my most successful night of Karaoke ever because I stuck to songs that I know really well. Except maybe "Our House" because there's that bit that's kind of fast that I don't know well.

I just wanted to remember a recent good moment in my life before I wade into the misery of another Bryan Hitch Justice League story. These are pretty terrible. I would go on to describe how terrible the stories are in a way that would eventually get back to Bryan Hitch so that he'll hate me without ever having read any of my terrific reviews but I just learned that it's Easter tradition to yell "Whore!" when you find the hidden Easter eggs full of chocolate in honor of the church's ignorant depiction of Mary Magdalene. I'm willing to believe that tradition is true without doing any further research. I'm also willing to incorporate it into my atheist Easter tradition of buying all the Easter candy on sale while everybody else is at church and eating it until I puke all over the plastic grass in my Easter basket.

Currently in this terrible story, the Giant Baby Man Being known as Tempus has decided Earth needs to be put on timeout. He's moving it to the far end of the universe on the other side of time so that its constant reboots and zero hours and infinite crises won't fuck with the rest of the universe. But Superman is all, "No way! You can't stop us! Even if we're accidentally ruining everybody else, you have to allow us the freedom to choose to ruin everybody else's life!" At that moment, all of the villains Superman has put in the Phantom Zone yell "Hypocrite!"

The one thing Superman and Batman have in common (aside from having fucked Big Barda) is that they're the only ones who know what is right. So if somebody disagrees with one of them, that somebody is obviously a villainous villain. It's why Superman and Batman fight so often. Tempus is just trying to do the right thing for the rest of the universe. But Superman doesn't agree so Tempus must be stopped. And apparently the readers are simply supposed to agree with Superman no matter how dumb the plot is. Well, I refuse to be a part of this nonsense! I'm putting my foot down right now and declaring Superman is wrong! Earth-New-Earth is a plague on the DC Universe and somebody needs to shut it the fuck down.

That's a handy excuse to get around writing a decent Superman!

Tempus cranks up the red sun thermostat to keep Superman manageable. How come Doctor Veritas hasn't created a red to yellow energy converter for Superman yet? She's an omniologist, after all. She could figure it out. It would probably be as simple as making a suit that acts like a prism, shifting the color of the light as it reaches his skin. I doubt that makes any real science sense but it makes absolute comic book science sense! Somebody get working on that!

While Superman angrily throws fists and does nothing to help anybody but his own sense of self, Batman is working on solving the problem with the time travelers of the Infinity Corporation. They explain how they need to stop the timeline from being shifted and Batman is all, "And we probably need all the stock market reports from 2017 to 2027, right? You might not see how that will help but I assure you, I've got a plan!"

In the "present," Molly the Time Keeper says the dumbest thing you can say in a time travel story.

I guess the clock in San Dimas is always running!

Last issue, Bryan Hitch devoted a page or two to each of the other Justice League members scattered through time trying to disarm time bombs. But since they really don't matter that much to this story, he reduces their appearances to one panel each. Just enough so the reader remembers they're there and can't whine, "But I bought a Justice League comic book, not a Batman Loves Superman comic book!" Eventually they get another panel but it's just to show that their fights didn't matter because as soon as Superman and Batman knock out some of Tempus's computer equipment in the future, the Timeless fall unconscious all across time. Wonder Woman, Flash, Cyborg, and the Green Lanterns are all, "What happened?" Aquaman screams, "I did it! Hooray for Aquaman! Champeen of the Seven Seas and now All of Time!"

Once all of the time bombs are defused, Molly the Time Keeper turns into Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time. She declares she will kill all of the super heroes now to keep Earth safe! So I guess Superman was right! The Justice League have to stop both Tempus and Molly! Who could have guessed? I mean, aside from everybody who has read every single Bryan Hitch story since he's been writing the Justice League for DC Comics. They all come down to a big cosmic fight with the Justice League caught up in the middle. And instead of choosing a side without any research or references like most heroes usually do, the Justice League just kick ass on both sides of the fight and shut it all down. And it's always the right choice! Because they're the Justice League!

Of course this time, most of the Justice League was wrong and helped Molly. Although it isn't like they had much choice. If they didn't help Molly to stop Tempus, Tempus would have put Earth on timeout forever. But now that they helped Molly become Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, they're just going to have to turn on her and stop her.

You can tell she's evil now because she's showing so much more skin.

The Ranking!
No change! What a surprise twist! The person that was supposed to be good turned out to be bad! Just like Rao! And the World Singers! And that girl's AI program! Okay, maybe not so much that one. But kind of, if you squint hard enough! Bryan Hitch really only knows one story, doesn't he? "Somebody is here to save the world! No wait! They want to destroy the world! Oh no!"

Justice League #17

No wonder Lex Luthor hates this asshole. Has Superman ever outsmarted any enemy other than Mxyzptlk?

I don't care if I spell the fifth dimensional imp's name wrong. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything I write is correct. My only responsibility is to my ego!

Although my belief in my ego is so strong, I'm pretty fucking sure I nailed the spelling.

The Justice League have been scattered all over time in a story I've been referring to as "Plotless" since I first thought of calling it that just now in this sentence. So the "been referring" bit might have been hyperbole.

Superman is in the far flung future negotiating with a giant techno-baby in the hopes of saving the world. Batman is in the future as well but Batman is scouring historic records in the library to discover how best to invest his money in the year 2017. You might think that's a selfish waste of time when he should be trying to save the world. But if he doesn't stop time from being rewritten, none of this research will matter. So now he has even more incentive than Superman to stop time from changing. And, yes, I know Superman's motivation is saving his family. But come on! Money!

How many of you would read a series of Fantastical Fuck-Fighting Books? They would be like those Fighting Fantasy books from the eighties but with more fucking. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start writing those. The first one will be called More Cock on Ginger-Topped Mounters.

Ooh! I might have to steal this for my Fantastical Fuck-Fighting Book!

I wish I were a painter. I think I'd do a series of historical figures jerking off.

The giant green Brainiac baby that looks like an old man also is named Tempus the Timeless Mind. For being a timeless mind, it's odd that he only seems to exist in the far future. I'm probably jumping the gun by making that criticism. I'm sure he's about to explain his name in the four large speech bubbles following the one where he tells Superman his name. That was as far as I got before I decided I wanted to see what I had to say about that and turned back to my blog. I hate to criticize my own work, but I could have probably put more effort into my reaction. If I weren't busy mentally composing my masterpiece of Joan of Arc masturbating at the head of a French army, maybe I would have thought up a good Tempussy joke.

In the second speech bubble, Tempus explains that his consciousness stretches from one end of time to the other. Pshaw! As if time has two ends! It only has one end! The other is a beginning. DUH! I only have a fifth grade education and I know that!

I actually have a Bachelor's Degree in Literature but I really stopped paying attention to all of my teachers in fifth grade.

Tempus explains what's happening to Superman but, like me sitting in front of Mr. Melrose explaining history to me in sixth grade, he doesn't hear a word he says. Superman's only concern is where his family has gone. If he'd been listening, he'd probably know...well, I don't know what he'd know. I wasn't listening either. Which is weird because I was reading it! Of course it's hard to comprehend what you're reading when you're really just picturing a woman wearing only the top half of a suit of armor while on horseback with her hand shoved up herself.

Every time a writer has Superman resort to punching, I kick my friend Doom Bunny in the balls. I can't wait until he comes to visit for the Electric Six show in June! Boy do I have a backlog of nut kicks for him!

Superman only begins listening when he's overpowered by Brainiac Baby's personal bodyguards. I can't think of a worse way to portray Superman. Have him demand answers from somebody and then threaten to punch them in the face until they do as he says. Bryan Hitch is terrible.

The other Justice League members are still strewn about time fighting the Timeless. They all get a page to remind the readers that they're still helping even though Superman's role is probably the most important. The guy from the Infinity Corporation said as much last issue.

With moments like these, you can tell Bryan Hitch isn't really concentrating on the other Justice League members. I'm sure his script just read "Page 5: Something about Wonder Woman. Maybe allude to Rucka's series. Page 6: Something with Flash. Think up some speed puns. Page 7: Aquaman. Even just writing his name was boring!"

In the 30th Century, Brainiac 5 gives Cyborg a Legion Flight Bracelet. He was into jangly jewelry when he was a kid. But giving it to Cyborg makes him realize he should develop rings instead. Way to put your mark on the DC Universe, Bryan Hitch! What a fantastic bit of trivia for Fangenders everywhere! "Did you know that the Legion Flight ring didn't start out as a ring?" one will ask in the future, rubbing his fat goatee thoughtfully. His friend will respond with "I tap two mountains and a forest to summon my Draconian Elf."

I think the target audience for the Suicide Squad/Banana Splits Special might be me and me alone. Sorry for the interruption! But since I was interrupted by the two page centerfold Hanna-Barbera team-ups advertisement, you can handle being interrupted by my extremely limited comment on it.

Big Baby Brainiac reveals his plan to Superman because he thinks he's already won, the way baddies always do. But then stupid fucking Superman is all, "Oh yeah? Well my friends have been sent to stop it!" At which point, Tempus says, "No, they were wiped from existence." So Superman gets lucky because Tempus didn't buy that the plan to stop him was in full effect. But then Superman says, "No, no! They got away and are stopping your Time Bombs right now!" He's such a fucking douche.

Tempus's plan is to move Earth-New-Earth to the end of time where it can do its own thing without screwing up the rest of the universe. Molly's plan is to use the Justice League to stop that from happening. But Superman has a different plan!

Superman is your annoying friend who votes third party because they think they're so fucking smart and above it all.

The plan to stop both seeming threats was the exact plan the Justice League used in the first story, "The Extinction Machines," wasn't it?

Superman's new plan is to use force to stop Tempus from doing something Superman doesn't want Tempus to do. In this case, that's probably a good decision. But the way Superman is going, he's going to begin physically threatening Burger King clerks if they put mustard on his Whopper.

The Ranking!
-1! I haven't spent a lot of time analyzing them but I have a deep suspicion that all of Bryan Hitch's stories are really just the same story.

Justice League #16

Batman's fist is blocked because you know what he's doing.

The current Justice League story is stupid. That isn't a surprise because Bryan Hitch is writing it. Bryan Hitch is an artist who DC Comics hired to both draw and write the Justice League of America. But then they realized he can't make deadlines if he's doing both jobs so they decided to halve his workload. But for some reason, they thought things would work better if he did the writing instead of the drawing. That might have been a good decision if your main concern was deadlines but it was a terrible decision if your main concern was entertaining DC fans.

I wish more editors would carry Tasers on them so that when a writer decides to pitch a time travel story, the editor could just whip out the Taser and shoot the idiot writer in the neck. Most time travel stories are terrible and since Primer already exists, why even bother to write time travel stories anymore? I like that the title of Primer doesn't have to just represent the notes the main character keeps so that he can repeat the past correctly but can also be read as the writer saying, "Hey! All you other time travel writing fuckfarts? This is how you do it. Bitches. I'd drop the mic now but it was fucking expensive and I'm only an independent movie producer."

I guess this means fifteen minutes as experienced by somebody with their family at Thanksgiving.

Growing up, I had three Thanksgiving traditions: eating a ton of mashed potatoes, watching Ray Harryhausen films on Channel 36, and trying to fingerbang my cousin.

Time has been changed and that's a bad thing, I suppose. What do I know about good and bad? You read my Thanksgiving traditions!

Anyway, time doesn't change immediately like you'd think it probably should. Or maybe you don't think that since you probably think the arbiter of time travel rules is Back to the Future which proved that time changes slowly. Michael J. Fox had a Polaroid to prove that. So now that time has changed, the changes are rippling up through eternity, giving Batman ten minutes to save time! Although if he fails, everything will still exist except a bunch of people will go on the Internet to write, "Does anybody else remember superheroes being real? I remember while growing up, they were real! Is this the Mandela Effect?!" And a bunch of people will answer, "Oh my God! I remember that totally correctly too!" And nobody will write, "You people are idiots who are just remembering something wrong and have decided that reality is subjective and malleable rather than have to admit you remembered something wrong." Although in this case, they'd be right! I hate how comic books are always portraying things opposite of how they are in the real world. In comics, time can be changed but in the real world, no way! In comics, gods are real and all over the place but in the real world, Ha ha! Ludicrous! In comics, nice guys are actually nice guys but in the real world, they're men's rights activists who think women won't fuck them because the women have something wrong with them. THEY THINK IT'S THE WOMEN WHO HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM!

The Infinity Corporation needs Superman to fix the Time Crisis. Who are the Infinity Corporation, you're probably asking? More like "when" are they! OUCH! I just punched myself in the face!

The Infinity Corporation aren't being honest with Superman and Batman about who they are. But they make sure to have a conversation about how they aren't who they say they are so that the reader can grip the edges so hard that the comic goes from fine to poor while also shouting, "WHO ARE YOU?! I HAVE TO KNOW! ALSO, WILL I EVER HAVE SEX?!"

The other Justice League members have been sprinkled throughout time to stop Time Bombs from going off and changing everything. Aquaman is in Atlantis 47,000 years ago. Coincidentally, it's the day his beloved crystal zodiac figurines were created! The weird thing is that the Atlanteans created the same creatures in their zodiac even though it was 45 thousand years or so earlier than when the Babylonians created theirs. Surely Cancer would have looked more like a frying pan and Libra would have looked like a man drumming on a bucket outside of a department store. And why did they only carve twelve? What about the secret thirteenth symbol of the zodiac, the puking serpent?

The Green Lanterns are in 26th Century America. It's a fucking disaster. But everybody is a Green Lantern, so I guess that makes up for the sleeping in rubble living conditions and the dinners of deep fried rat asshole.

Cyborg is in Legion of Super-Heroes time and Barry is in Speed Force Creation Days and Wonder Woman is in Greece when the Olympians were created. Each of them has to disarm a Time Bomb or the world will change. So even if they fail, it's not like anything will be destroyed. It's just that new stories will be created! And none of those stories will have superheroes. Except they'll still probably have heroes like Batman and Green Arrow and Blue Beetle since those are just guys with lots of money and a penchant for vigilantism. So actually, it'll be DC Comics' accountants favorite world! Every comic published each month will basically have to star Batman!

It's how you build trust with everybody else! Hypocrite!

Superman, Batman, and the Infinity Corporation are far into the future where the time ripples end. They figure that's where the person behind it all resides. I guess that person's life in the future just wasn't good enough so they had to change some shit. I bet the whole point was to change everything just enough so that this person's dick would somehow be bigger. I can't explain how that would work! Time DNA or something!

The antagonist is a huge, gross baby? I hope Superman punches it!

I bet Batman's plan to save the world is to perform a Time Abortion!

The Ranking!
No change! This story feels timeless! And not in a good way! In the waiting in line at the Post Office only to realize when you get to the counter that you meant to go to the DMV way!

Justice League #15

Well, it's got to end sometime, I suppose.

• Bryan Hitch is still writing this book so it should be a rollicking good time if you like mocking artists just trying to earn a living by writing. Incidentally, I do!

• For once, the story begins in the present. Although I suppose they always begin in the present and then on the second or third page, the narrator says something like "24 hours earlier!" As I typed that, I read it in an old-timey voice.

• In the present and not the past at all because I'm certain that Bryan Hitch is actually starting a story at the beginning for once, the Infinity Corporation building is traveling around the world. It's picked up Superman and Batman just as the rest of the world begins turning into a blank page. I bet Bryan Hitch got the idea for this story when he was the artist. He would probably sit at his drawing desk putting the endless details on the outside of a building and think, "I wish this story were about the end of the world where everything disappeared! Then I could just draw panel after panel of stark white pages!" Now that he realizes coming up with good conflicts for the Justice League isn't as easy as he thought it would be (except when he borrowed from his past ideas), he's decided to resurrect his drawing fantasy.

• Hitch's Justice League of America story didn't fit into the continuity at the time but apparently it still happened which is why the Infinity Corporation is back.

• I fucking hate comic books. Six pages in and suddenly, "Yesterday." Eat the ass buffet, Bryan Hitch.

• So anyway, yesterday, the Justice League (minus the most important members, Superman and Batman) were visiting the United Nations when disaster struck! Dozens of bald men in black armor with large guns crashed through the wall, probably up to no good. Which is why I called it a disaster. I suppose this could be a surprise party for somebody.

• After the bald men crash through the wall, the Justice League find themselves cast through space and time. Aquaman winds up with some Arion looking jerks who demand he answer to the Throne of Atlantis. Wonder Woman winds up at the feet of Cronus as he eats his children while Zeus and Rhea hide nearby.

• After they disappear, they're also still at the United Nations battling the bald men. I guess they'll have some missing time and memories when the fight is over. A woman who alerted them to the bald men just seconds before they would have discovered the bald men for themselves calls the bald men the Timeless. Somewhere I heard they're attempting to run the universe out of time.

• The woman is apparently a time traveler trying to save the universe. So that's another strike against Bryan Hitch's writing ability. Using time travel or prophecy as a means to motivate your characters is lazy and a crutch. It allows the writer to forgo writing an actual story that unfolds before the reader's eyes. Instead, the hero learns why the future is terrible and suddenly takes action to stop that future from happening. Besides, most people are terrible at writing time travel stories. They always muck up the cohesion of the timeline by breaking their own rules established in the story. For instance, any time traveler who travels back in time from a horrible future to change the past will erase the horrible future thus making it unnecessary for them to travel through time. The only way this works is if the timeline skews into a new timeline the moment the time traveler arrives in the past. This means the original timeline still exists exactly as is which makes the time traveler's success a moot point. Sure, she can alter the future of the new timeline but the old time still exists and is exactly as bad as she left it but now nobody has to listen to her rant and rave about going back in time to fix everything. They can all just die in peace.

Okay, maybe she's not a time traveler. But she definitely knows what's going on in the future. So she's some kind of time something or other. Probably a Time Witch.

• Superman and Batman learn from the Infinity Corporation that something is rewriting time. You know, the way that sometimes happens. Usually it only happens when an idiot believes a thing they think they remember even when the proof that they're remembering it wrong is right in front of them, like that book with the incestuous bear family and that movie with the African-American Djinni. But in the DC Universe, when something changes in the past, things are rewritten slowly enough that people with a time traveling office building can pick up some hitchhikers and try to set history right once more. Although what is right, really? If the Infinity Corporation hadn't picked up Superman and Batman, they'd be fine! It would just be slightly different versions of them in the new reality. Which might be the better reality. Or maybe the real reality! If time can be changed so easily, whose to say this change wasn't setting it back to the factory settings?

This is how philosophy can be misused by idiots. He's got the whole concept backwards. It's not "The future is malleable so the past must be too!" Because that's fucking nonsense. It's "If the past is immutable, why would you think the future was? Boom! Free will is an illusion!" It's so obvious. Once you make a choice and the present becomes the past, it can't be changed. So why would you think you ever had a real choice anyway? Fate, motherfuckers!

• Also, the guy's ability to philosophize is terrible if he's saying things like "You think somebody ten years in the future reading about you fixes your choices?" Of course that doesn't work! Because the future isn't happening simultaneously with the present, dum-dum! I mean, I suppose it could be. Without our ability to observe it, all history would just happen in the blink of an eye. Our observation slows it down. So why can't it all have happened spontaneously and immediately. That's why some beings are omniscient, like dolphins and gerbils.

• During the United Nations fight, Cyborg winds up in 31st century Metropolis beside Brainiac 5. I guess they're all surprised by this happening because The Flash quickly distributed all of the bracelets which kept them from being obliterated by the Timeless.

• The Green Lanterns wind up in the 26th Century where Washington, DC, has been devastated. It's probably been that way for five hundred years now.

• The Flash winds up in Central City on the day he received his powers. Apparently they've all time traveled to different points in time where the Timeless have set up "temporal nukes." See? It's easy to get your heroes on the mission when you have somebody from the future saying, "This is what is happening and here is the problem and now off you go to solve it!"

• Molly the Keeper explains that if these bombs go off, the fans will be super fucking pissed again. A whole new DC Universe! This time it won't be Wally and Steph and Cassie who disappear forever. This time, it'll be all the superheroes. Which would make for a really boring DC Universe. I'm not sure even I would keep reading any comic books telling stories from it.

I wish every time somebody said this in a time travel movie, they'd get punched in their stupid face.

• From this moment on, whenever anybody asks me, "Where are we?" or "Where am I?", I'm going to reply, "When might be a better question!"

• Batman and Superman wind up in a time when Earth has built a bunch of scaffolding around the planet. Hopefully somebody will tell them that they have a temporal nuke to disarm.

The Ranking!
No change! If I wasn't being so lazy and not wanting to change the sidebar, I'd probably drop this a ranking just for being another terrible "The present is changing because of time travel shenanigans that must be corrected!" bullshit story. I mean, isn't it lucky that Molly the Keeper appeared to help everybody save the current timeline! Without her intervention, time would have just changed and nobody would have been the wiser. Readers probably would have been confused though if they picked up What's the Justice League? #15 about a bunch of people who don't remember the Justice League and never mention them at all in whatever boring tale of mundane life Bryan Hitch decided to tell. Probably a story about an artist who is trying to finish the facade of a building with a ton of tiny details on it but he has to pee really fucking badly. Does he finish before he goes? Does he go before he finishes? Does he make a huge mistake in one of several possible scenarios?!

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4

This isn't even a challenge! How did these two become nemeses?! Comic books are stupid.

We're at the halfway point which means something important, probably. Like maybe the title is no longer accurate. Now it should read Justice League + Suicide Squad vs. Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad #4. But for some reason, DC Comics thinks the best way to sell product is to stick a "vs." on it. You might notice that I, from the beginnings of this blog, believe the exact opposite. Whenever a comic book title just had two character names on the front, I would add a "loves" between them. Because love trumps vs. Or something.

Have you ever wondered what college would give me a degree in literature?! Well, I'd tell you but they have a court order forcing me to remain silent. Sorry!

I should issue a possible (although highly improbable) correction for last issue. Last issue, I believed the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad were destroying an island nation to recover Eclipso. But since Eclipso never appeared and the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad begin this issue attacking Belle Reve without Eclipso front and center, it's possible (though highly improbable) that I was wrong. They might have just been after a Black Diamond so that they could control Eclipso who was imprisoned in Belle Reve instead of The Catacombs for some reason. I bet that reason is because he's not currently Eclipso. He's just in his Bruce Gordon guise sitting in a dark cell screaming, "What am I doing down here?! And how unimaginative were the writers who created me and decided to name me a portmanteau of two famous Gotham characters?! I probably used portmanteau wrong but I don't care! I've gone crazy from loneliness!" It's also possible Eclipso isn't Bruce Gordon but the other guy whose name I can't remember. Selina Pennyworth or something.

Superman begins the battle by aggravating Lobo.

I would have begun by mentioning the Lobo/Bueno Excellente sex tape.

The next move is Max Lord's. I guess they're taking turns instead of creating a chaotic brawl because while Max Lord uses his mind-control powers on Enchantress, everybody just stands around and watches to see what happens. Maybe they just rolled too low on their initiative checks.

Next, Johnny Truant opens up his face and spills minotaurs all over the floor. I guess that's the sign to turn this into a chaotic brawl. According to the initial brawl splash pages, Aquaman is matched up with Rustam. According to the next bunch of panels under the splash, Rustam simply walks away to kill a bunch of guards and enter the control room where he plans to release all of the prisoners by smashing the computers. I really think these high-tech prisons need to rethink these electronic locks and just go back to using individual keys for every cell. Any time any electrical interference hits the prison, they have a riot on their hands. The only way that would happen with manual locks is if a speedster broke in and stole the keys.

Luckily Katana saw Aquaman completely fuck up and arrives in time to stop Rustam. That seems like an obvious match-up, right? They each have a sword! Too bad Deadshot didn't match up with Rustam. He could have killed Rustam in one panel.

I guess nobody has to worry about Max Lord since he apparently broke his back on the way to the vault.

Killer Frost goes after Max but since Amanda Waller didn't brief everybody on the mission, she's mind-controlled by Max Lord. All Amanda (or Superman!) had to tell everybody was that if they see Max's nose begin to bleed, knock him the fuck out instantly. I should be running the fucking Suicide Squad! And the Justice League!

Lobo chases down Waller, Deadshot, and Batman. That means Lobo has the toughest fight of all the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad members. Emerald Empress is battling Superman and Jessica Cruz.

At least I thought it was Jessica Cruz. It looks like her. But she made that light construct too easily. So it must be somebody else.

I admit, it still could be Jess since I've stopped reading Green Lanterns. Maybe there was an issue where she learned how to make constructs without spending four pages wrestling with her anxiety.

Simon Baz returns to crack the shit out of the Emerald Eye. This causes the Emerald Empress to panic and mention how she needs to find Saturn Girl. Saturn Girl is in Arkham! Everybody knows that! Anyway, Emerald Empress disappears.

Katana defeats Rustam and Wonder Woman defeats Johnny Truant (with a little help from Harley Quinn).

Doctor Polaris defeats lots and lots of heroes at once by manipulating the iron in their blood. Remember when Magneto first did that back in like the seventies or eighties and everybody was all, "WHOOOOOOOOOA! COOOOOOOOOL! HE'S SO POWERFUL!"? Well, that's why Doctor Polaris is on the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad. Because he's just being written as DC's Magneto.

Cyborg defeats Doctor Polaris with like his White Noise Cannon except he pretends it does some magnetic thing this time. He's not fooling anybody! He only has the one attachment!

By "everything," Deadshot, of course, means "bullets. Lots and lots of bullets." Now if he'd throw a few bucks at him and purchase his talents, Deadshot might actually stop him!

Apparently the best way to defeat Lobo is to run away from him. He's fucking slow!

Batman rushes off to find one of Waller's injectable brain bombs that her team just leave lying around the complex, along with the remote to blow the bomb. He comes back, injects Lobo, and blows Lobo's head off. It's okay though because Batman doesn't kill. That means Lobo will be fine. Pissed off but fine.

Waller reveals that Max is after the Eclipso Diamond so they all rush off just in time to be Eclipso'd by Max. Well, the Justice League is, at least. Max decides not to control the Suicide Squad because he has to make some kind of mistake or else he'll rule the entire world! I mean, if his plan is to control the world using the Eclipso Diamond, why not just control everybody he comes into contact with? I guess next issue can once again be called Justice League vs. Suicide Squad since the Justice League are currently evil. One more example of why Superman should go live on Mars and stop allowing villains to use his power to threaten the world.

What Did We Learn?
It's a toss up between power corrupts and power doesn't always corrupt but the incorruptible people with power usually wind up being used by corrupted people so it doesn't really matter anyway.

The Ranking!
No change!

Detective Comics #52

Ugh! Thanks for reminding me of Tony S. Daniel's horrible run on this comic book when The New 52 began! Now I have to scrub vomit and shit out of my clothing.

The Review or Whatever
I was in Seattle for a few days which is why you weren't graced by my Internet presence and were probably suffering from withdrawals. You were probably thinking, "Why have I stopped understanding comic books lately? Wasn't there a blog with a stupid name where I could go for penetrating insights and tired dick jokes?" That was me! Remember?! Me! I'm back! I hope nobody forgot about me over the last four days! Stupid modern short attention spans. It's so hard to stay relevant!

I was in Seattle with some friends rocking the faces off of everybody who found themselves in our orbit. They kept coming up to us and saying things like "I want to be your friend!" or "I'm going to hang out at this table!" or "Everybody else is boring and annoying compared to you!" and "Oh! Oh! You guys like me because I sang 'The Final Countdown'?! What if I sing Journey next? Would you like that? Please say you'll like that! NNNNEEEEERRRRRDDDDSSSS!" (That last example screamed "NERDS!" because he looked like that guy from the movie Revenge of the Nerds and not because he realized we were nerds.) I suppose there were a whole host of jealous haters who kept thinking things like "Fucking dicks. I was the popular douchebro who sings rap in this karaoke bar!" or "How is that three person team doing so well at bar trivia while obviously not paying any fucking attention to anything and enjoying life so much?!" or "Why didn't they agree to be my friend when I spent so much time begging them?!"

My favorite moment of the weekend which will keep my going for a few more weeks before I find everything drab and worthless again was when I ran into another Geeks Who Drink Trivia player at the bar while we were both exchanging our free beer cards. He mentioned our team by name (Snake Titties) while talking about the competition and I said, "I don't know. We got two perfect rounds in the first three rounds and we're in fucking third!" He then turned to look directly at me and said in a hushed and awed tone, "You're in Snake Titties?" Yes, peon. Yes, I am.

It's also possible he took one look at me and was just utterly shocked that I would know anything at all. I'd have to say that's a fair assessment too.

Before I get to Detective Comics #52, I'd like to send a shout out to Money Mike at the Tarasco Karaoke Night who celebrated his 51st birthday! It's nice to see that even at 51 years old, people can still throw tantrums! Also cake! Way to throw your birthday cake all over the bar! How do you get to be 51 years old and not realize how important cake is?! What a waste.

Anyway, I don't know what was happening in Detective Comics because it was about Jim Gordon and I didn't want to remember it. I think it was some kind of Three Kings story line but with less gold and more mummies and cult members and ancient gods.

This is the guy Jim will be fighting in the big boss battle. He's a mummy wrapped in human jerky.

Batcommissioner battles Human Jerky Mummy for a few pages and I begin to worry that this story won't ever end! But then I remember that Detective Comics is renumbering back to its original numbering system and there's no way they'll do that in the middle of a story. Especially one as mediocre as this. I wonder if I'm missing some important theme to this thing. Brotherhood among modern warriors? The dangers of death cults? Possibly something about how terrible U.S. foreign policy is?

How weird is DC's need to renumber Action Comics and Detective Comics so that they can make history by having the first comic books to make it to #1000? It feels really unsatisfying knowing that your collection of Detective Comics comic books suddenly revert to #1-52 somewhere in the late 800s. And then suddenly it's in the 900s! You know what DC Comics should do? They should rerelease all of the New 52 Action and Detective Comics with the proper numbering on the cover! Or maybe they should sell a book of stickers so you can renumber them yourself!

If Rebirth is basically going to do what I figure it's going to do (which is reestablish all DC stories as canon and restore all continuity while still leaving The New 52 Universe the basic universe (only different now! Somehow! Or something!)), renumbering Action and Detective is a good call. It's symbolic of returning all of that lost history to the characters. Not that it ever mattered to me! I still know when I read Batman that he once knocked out Guy Gardner with one punch to the face. All of that shit will always be part of every character I read, no matter how DC explains it. They can't tell me how to experience my life! You hear me, DC Comics?! You can't retcon my life!

Detective Comics #51

And here we have John Romita Jr's rendition of the ever popular "Batman With Gun."

The Review
DC Comics isn't done with Jim Gordon yet! Tomasi still has a pulpy tale to tell starring Jim and his old Marine buddies! It feels like exactly what it was probably written for: to fill the space between Batman coming back and Rebirth hitting the shelves. I don't mind when Detective Comics is actually about the detectives in the Gotham Police Department but I do mind when the detective focused on is Jim Gordon, especially when Gordon has been the focus of this book and Batman for the last year. I'd much rather get a story about Bullock going on a blind date, or Montoya going on a blind date, or Sawyer going on a blind date. In fact, can DC change the title of this comic book to Blind Date Comics?

The Commentary
This issue is called "Our Gordon At War" because Tomasi doesn't have the proper perspective to realize that everybody is sick of Jim Gordon stories. The previous sentence originally read "because nobody can get enough of Jim Gordon stories" but I felt that sarcasm isn't the right way to go. I realize that being sarcastic might confuse the Internet since 95% of the Pie Chart of people reading about comic books on the Internet consists of Self-Diagnosed With Aspergers, Compelled To Play Devil's Advocate, Unintelligent and Belligerent, Offended By Everything, and Simple Troll. The other 5% consists of Super Intelligent People Who Understand Subtlety, Parody, and Sarcasm Who Appreciate The Greatest Comic Book Blog On The Internet. I should clarify for 95% of the internet that by "greatest comic book blog on the internet," I'm referring to this blog, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, and not that Weird Science one where the reviewers feel bad if they have to say a comic book is shit (they also seem to use about 50% of the periods available daily thanks to that Shannara guy).

I have a feeling that after mentioning my blog name, 95% of the people reading this are snorting and saying, "Chai means tea, asshole." By the way, my blog's name is directed at those people. Whether or not they understand it is hardly the point!

I have a feeling that after mentioning the Weird Science blog, I should make it my nemesis since I've forgotten who my previous internet nemesis was. Some other shitty review site that used Vlogs for reviews because their members, apparently, can't read.

This issue begins with a guy running through a crowd in a Gotham street pushing people aside. It serves to remind me that I find something creepy about the way Pasarin draws people. Their bodies aren't quite in proportion and they always have teeny tiny beady eyes. The guy on the run is looking to put Jim Gordon's life in danger. Or warn him of the danger, maybe. I don't really know which is the cart and which is the horse. The guy's name is Berenger and he's one of Jim's old Marine buddies. They apparently buried some Necronomiconesque MacGuffin out in the desert years ago but now everybody involved is dying. To prove he's telling Jim the truth, Berenger dies.

Why are so many henchmen willing to give up their lives for their job? I can't even bother to look busy while I'm waiting for the clock to strike five.

I think that whole bit about not even bothering to look busy is why I don't have a regular job and had to start my own business. Managers hate it when you roll your eyes and make a jerking off motion with your hand every time they speak. I once had a manager cry in a review meeting because I wasn't her friend. Needless to say, I didn't get a raise. I also didn't go to Human Resources about her unprofessional behavior because her sister was head of HR. Instead I just quit not long after. People often talk about the benefits of not having any debt but they seldom mention the greatest benefit of all: telling your current job to shove it at the drop of a hat and releasing yourself from the hell of it all.

The guy dying for his beliefs invoked the name of some person named Amun-Set. I'm an atheist and I have an equal displeasure for all religions save one: The Shakers. Now that's a religion I admire. Or admired? I suppose, according to Princess Wikipedia's supreme knowledge of omnithing, the Shakers are still accepting members even though they technically closed the doors in 1957. That's disappointing! One of the things I admired about them (aside from their belief in the equality of the sexes, their refusal to have children and indoctrinate them into their beliefs, and their cool dance moves) was the fact that they didn't do a whole lot to keep from dying out. I appreciate a religion that doesn't feel the need to recruit new members. I suppose they still aren't recruiting but just accepting novitiates who come of their own free will. So they're still cool with me.

Gordon begins investigating his friend's death but I figure whatever he finds out or doesn't find out, Gordon is going to be grabbing a shovel and heading out to a foreign desert soon.

Eventually Jim makes it to Afghanistan to continue investigating the investigation. I'm still just waiting for him to dig up the skeleton from his past. I mean I'm waiting for the literal digging up and not the whole metaphorical digging up which is just him running around stealing files and asking questions he probably shouldn't be asking.

The secret Jim and his fellow Marines stumbled upon years ago was a temple hidden in the desert where a cult of wackos righteous believers cut strips of skin off of captives to barbecue for Amun-Set or his worldly monsters. That part hasn't been revealed yet! But since everybody is really scared, I can't imagine the enemy is simply human cult members. There's got to be a Mummy or a Jackalwere appearing somewhere in the next half of this story!

Detective Comics #50

This gives me a great idea for an installation in downtown Portland!

Rating: Does it even matter at this point? I rate this issue a "Well, fuck it. Rebirth and renumbering are coming soon! Enjoy whatever the hell is left of the DC Youniverse, assholes!"

Batman must hate bullet points, right? Well, fuck you, Batman! Bullet point time!

Although this is James Gordon's Batman and James doesn't have an aversion to guns. At least not before he became Batman and suddenly he had to use a gun that shoots Batarangs. Remember those guns we had in the seventies that shot little discs out of it? Nowadays people might think those are too dangerous for kids to play with but it's not like they were proper choking hazards. The discs had lots of holes in them so you could breathe through them when they lodged in your throat.

This was the best toy ever! Kids today are pussies because their toy guns only shoot Nerf discs and at a much lower velocity than these discs traveled. Also they probably have to wear helmets when shooting Nerf discs at each other. And they probably have to be supervised by at least one parent (of every child! You're an irresponsible parent if you trust your child's safety to another parent). It's not the fault of the kids that they're pussies today. It's the kids of my generation who became overprotective parents that have turned the world into a giant game of Bumper Bowling.

Okay, I think I said something about Bullet Points earlier! Here we go!

• Commissioner Batman is currently hunting a killer who dresses up in historical costumes to murder people also dressed in historical outfits. He also takes one of their bones because I'm guessing he's building a wacky skeleton for his Murder Room. But the killer doesn't have free rein to choose any historical figure he'd like! Nope! He has to use a figure based on one of the many statues of historical people located around Gotham. I think that's because he needed to use the statues in his mask making process.

I don't really know how bullet points work so I'm just going to be using them as a way to ease myself out of one thought and into another thought without needing some kind of a segue. Except for right now where I'm over-explaining things! Because that last Bullet Point was the "Here's what's been happening! Now we're all caught up! Give yourselves a round of applause!" Bullet Point. Now I'm moving on to the "Here's what happened this month in Detective Comics that might be important to remember next month!" Bullet Points.

• Don't you hate when you're trying to read your comic book and the protective Mylar bag gets stuck to your arm and you flip the fuck out like a cat with a piece of tape on its paw? So annoying!

• Detective Bullock might want to try a bigger hat size. Although I don't wear hats so maybe that's how they're supposed to fit?

• I hope the Unicode for the Bullet Points actually appears as a Bullet Point! I mean, it is called "Unicode" which I think means it's a universal code and should work across all coded platforms in the universe. But I can't help but think I'd feel more secure if it were called Omnicode.

• Detective Bullock thinks that chess is played with rocks.

• James Gordon is shit at solving mysteries. Bruce would have wrapped this up during his morning bowel movement.

• The Bronze Age Killer's next victim is a dog. Does Gotham City have a statue honoring Ace the Bathound?

• Detective work in Gotham consists mainly of beating the shit out of people and then believing everything they've said when they really just said what would stop the shit getting beaten out of them. This is how I know the majority of people in the world are unthinking idiots. Because they still believe torture works. They believe lie detectors are accurate. They believe people don't get manipulated into giving false confessions. They believe eye witnesses are as reliable as filmed footage. And they don't believe police won't falsify evidence to support what the police believe are accurate assumptions about the guilt of a suspect. Remember when Mark Fuhrman was accused of planting evidence in the OJ Simpson trial? Remember how most of white America put their hands to their mouths in shocked disbelief that anybody could think that? I'm not speculating on the guilt or innocence of Simpson but I have no doubt that it's a strong possibility Fuhrman planted that evidence. Not because he wanted to frame OJ. But because he actually believed OJ did it and was just trying to help the case. I never really thought too much on it until Netflix's Making A Murderer. After watching that, I've come to the conclusion that every case ever brought to an American Court should be thrown out! Clean slates all around! Give everybody a certificate showing they've done their time, tell them to be better, slap them on the ass, and send them out the front gates! With a little positive reinforcement, I think we can all be on our best behavior from here on out! Let's do this!

• The Bronze Age Killer didn't really try too hard on this one, did he? Where are the historically accurate dog sled reins? Where are the boxes of diphtheria antitoxin? Where is the cease and desist notices from Stephen Spielberg?

• I didn't really think much about the Bronze Age Killer up until the point he killed the dog. Now I despise him. Go ahead and kill people. Most of them will eventually prove themselves to be worthless anyway. But a fucking animal? Come on! I mean, I guess I wouldn't have felt much if he'd murdered a cow because I'm currently pretty hungry. But a dog?! How in the world do you kill a dog? A dog owner I can understand! But a dog?

• According to the Balto statue, Gotham City is canonically New York!

• According to the Saint George Versus the Dragon statue which all of the Bronze Age Killer's other statues are looking toward, Gotham City is canonically Berlin.

• The Bronze Age Killer dresses up his next victims as Alice and Lewis Carroll. I've done that roleplay! Now wait. Before you think it's weird, just realize that I was Alice.

• The Bronze Age Killer's plan is to open a portal to Hell so that he can battle the devil. So the guy isn't as crazy as I thought.

• Commissioner Batman discovers the location of the Bronze Age Killer's ritual thanks to detective work that didn't rely on beating the crap out of somebody. Disappointing.

In other words, James, you don't have the Bruce Wayne cojones to stick with the Batman job.

• Commissioner Batman saves the day but he's got some thinking to do! If he isn't willing to go whole hog at being Batman, he's going to have to give the job back to Bruce Wayne. Which, thankfully, should be happening quite soon over in Batman #50. Hopefully. Penises crossed!

• The extra dollar on the cover price is justified by throwing a bunch of Narration Boxes onto an updated art gallery of old Batman covers to make it into some kind of "story."

Two more days to Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

The Darkseid War: Batman #1

This cover looks like the logo for the teaser trailer of Batman v Superman Part VI: Batman v Superman v Batman v Green Lantern v Batman v OMAC.

People exist in this world who will look down their noses at you because you read comic books and they'll believe they're better than you because they prefer Shakespeare and To Kill A Mockinbird (and oh God how they won't shut up about how much they love To Kill A Mockingbird!). Well you know what? They're right. They have every right to think they're better than comic book readers. Because at least they're reading things that they love (even if they really only love feeling smarter than everybody around them because they can quote all the recognizable quotes from Shakespeare. Nobody bothers with the shit quotes that aren't famous) instead of constantly being let down by the stuff they read while still coming back to be let down again, month after month. No wonder comic book readers identify so strongly with Harley Quinn. We're all in abusive relationships with the most entertaining guy at the party except sometimes, instead of hugging us and making us feel good, he'd rather smack us in the face and murder everybody with gas.

I don't expect this comic book to make me feel less than human though. I expect it to pay for dinner and call me pretty. That might be a mistake because it's going to be a huge disappointment if it ignores me to check basketball scores all night and then clumsily paw at my chest while I'm trying to brush it off with a quick goodnight kiss.

Batman has recently gained all of the knowledge ever because he stole Metron's Mobius chair and renamed it The Batchair. Now he has all the answers to all the problems and will likely return to Earth, meet with a bunch of doctors and scientists, and get busy completely fixing everything for everybody for all time. Certainly he won't just go back to Gotham to stop muggings, right?

Oh Batman. So basically there is now no crime because you stop it from occurring rather than fixed the problems inherent in an unfair system that pushes people aside and cares little for those who don't immediately fit into its parameters?

So instead of using his new knowledge--knowledge which encompasses all of the knowledge of what was, is, and could be--to improve the current social, economic, and political systems, he instead decides to just cure the symptoms of the current diseased systems. Systemic poverty? No big deal! If some poor assholes have a problem with being run over and forgotten and they decide to break a few laws to try to better their situation, Batman will be there to stop them! Now everything is okay again! I guess even an all-knowing Bruce Wayne can't help but view the system through his entitled spoiled rich boy eyes.

Sorry! Why don't you just go masturbate to the real name of The Joker and just leave Gotham to get by on its own?

Batman ditches Gordon to meet with STAR Labs so he can tell them how to cure cancer, increase worldwide food production, completely eradicate malaria, and to go over plans for a nearly free method of desalinating sea water for human consumption. Just kidding! Instead he sends a bunch of violent youths to the Antarctic where they can think about the lives they almost took. Then he takes a wife beater who was about to murder his ex-wife and dumps him with the Amazons. What a jerk. That might not be as bad as walking through your neighbor's front door in the middle of the day and shitting on their living room table but it's close enough. Why the fuck do the Amazons want to deal with this guy?

Batman decides he's done enough for the world with his omnipotence for the day and decides to go back in time to keep his parents from getting killed. But apparently he can't interact with things in the past. Which you would think, since he now knows everything, he would have known. So instead Batman just goes back in time to watch his parents die in front of him. Again.

Since Batman can't save his family, he decides to torment Joe Chill.

The world's a better place already!

Batman makes Joe Chill forget all about their little meeting. Hopefully Batman got that out of his system but I doubt it. I think Batman is bound to use his new powers to torment Joe Chill every single night unless he can shake his addiction to the Batchair. He could have changed the world for the better in so many countless ways if he wasn't so obsessed with lowering the amount of muggings taking place in Gotham.

It has a built-in toilet, doesn't it?

Yep.

Batman realizes he can't get out of the chair so he decides he'll go after The Joker next. I don't know how the Batchair is going to help him against The Joker. He's defeated The Joker plenty of times in the past and he simply winds up sticking The Joker back in Arkham so The Joker can eventually escape. How is the Batchair going to improve on this scheme? It seems like Batman could save a lot more lives if he would just make that visit to STAR Labs already. I bet when Batman asks the Batchair how to stop The Joker once and for all, it'll be all, "Put a bullet in his head, dumby."

The Darkseid War: Batman #1 Rating: Well, that date was a bit disappointing. This comic book simply convinced me that Batman is a selfish prick. Not that I needed much convincing. Batman has always had the potential to do more good as Bruce Wayne than as Batman and yet he spends most of his Bruce Wayne energy on creating weapons and vehicles for Batman's battle against low level street crime. So why would an omniscient Batman be any different? Now that he has all the knowledge in the universe, why would he use it to cure society's ills? Instead he believes the knowledge from the Batchair is better used stopping various crimes in Gotham by teleporting potential perpetrators of violence all over the globe. The Batchair is better used tormenting the killer of his parents who is already in prison. And it's obviously best used hunting down The Joker, even though Batman has done that multiple times across his career with successful results. So unless Batman is going to use the Batchair's knowledge about performing lobotomies, I'm not sure how this next Batman/Joker encounter is going to be any different. I have a feeling The Joker is going to get a brief stint sitting in the Batchair although he probably won't get an entire one shot comic devoted to that adventure. I bet it would be fun though!

Batman Eternal #31

Best Brave and the Bold Team-up that never was. But is now!

Oh, poor you! Did I hurt your feelings because I said your favorite hero sucked? Get over it! What if Sailor Moon had such thin skin? Would she ever have...wait, she did have really thin skin, the fucking cry baby. But she still saved the world over and over again because she never let assholes like me get her down! Buck up and stop caring about what an idiot on the internet says! You do know about 95% of this blog is facetious irreverence, right? Oh, of course you don't know that! Because everything has to be taken so fucking seriously! You kids have a difficult road to, um, pave if you're going to stop every three feet to lecture someone on not paving the way you think they should pave. And then instead of moving forward, you stand their tapping your toe waiting for an apology?! Jesus fucked! Don't let anybody else define you or what you love or how you pave! Just fucking get....

What the hell am I talking about?! I guess if I don't know, how are you going to know? I think I must have gotten my feelings hurt and decided to take it out on whatever random reader was sensitive enough to think I was talking about them! Ha ha! Take that, you mystery innocent! I sure feel better now!

On to the comic book! And don't worry, Aquaman isn't in it so there's a 50% chance that this commentary won't devolve into pointing out how idiotic he is! Oh stop trying to defend him! We all know he's super strong and dense and bullets bounce off of him and he can smash cars with his testicles! That's not an argument against why he's stupid! Those are just deflections so you don't actually have to think up a reason why he's not stupid! Whoops! Sorry about that! I guess there was only a 20% chance that I wouldn't start bashing Aquaman.

It's about time! I've been jonesing for an all out Arkham breakout!

Too bad Batman cleans up the riot in about one page. What kind of a lame ass version of Knightfall was that?! It's supposed to be a challenge when Batman has to battle all of the escapees from Arkham! I feel cheated by DC! Again!

Forget about Batman beating down the escapees. That's all old hat. And it's especially not interesting being drawn by Fernando Pasarin. I just can't get past how he draws such elongated torsos and squinty, weasel eyes on everybody! Anyway, there's that bestest Brave and the Bold Team-up to read about! And I know I'll love it even with squinty weasel eyes on Alfred!

Ah ha ha ha! You scamp, Bane!

I hope they have a song and dance number! It's not beyond the realm of possibility since Alfred is currently hallucinating. But instead of a gay romp through the sewers, Bane and Alfred are overwhelmed by black hand demon people. It's not as hilarious as the dance would have been.

Batman does some stuff and Hush does some stuff and Spoiler does some stuff and some of the stuff mixes in with some of the other stuff. And then the dance number happens although it's a bit weird without any music.

Now kiss!

Alfred leads Bane to an underground Batman cache and computer room. Bane never realizes it  though because the entrance is trapped and Bane is gassed. Alfred finally gets back in touch with Batman and Penny-Two and a pitiful, whining, nearly dead Batwing. "Help me! Help me!" he moans. Does it always have to be about you, Batwing? This is Alfred's moment!

And that other Hush, Batman, and Spoiler stuff I mentioned earlier? Nothing really happens with it. I guess Batman will have to save Spoiler from Hush next issue.

Batman Eternal #31 Rating: No change. Remember how in the television show, Alfred would occasionally dress up as Batman to fool everybody into thinking that Bruce Wayne and Batman weren't the same person at all even though all of the evidence pointed towards that conclusion? And simply posing as the Batman was all he could really do because he was a frail old man that would probably die immediately if he took one punch, even from Burgess Meredith? Well I think the comic book Alfred can put on the suit and do just as well as the regular Batman! Alfred might even be better at being Batman than Dick Grayson! Why isn't that a comic? Arkham Manor is a comic book! They can do a year's run of Alfred Pennyworth, Batman.

Batman Eternal #30

If only there were some famous quote that would fit this image so perfectly that it would be overdone so that I wouldn't want to use it anyway!

Last issue, Arkham Asylum was destroyed in a fount of existential vengeance! I think Madame Xanadu probably should have warned Batman that this could happen. You can't keep that many angry, insane, monstrous psyches underneath one roof without something suitably poltergeistian happening! Buildings are constantly subsumed by the psychic energies poured into reality by psychotic minds. It's a known fact that I'm fairly certain Neil deGrasse Tyson mentioned on Cosmos. Unless it was Carl Sagan that mentioned it on that other show, Cosmos. It's also possible I'm remembering something Velma said.

Also blasted by the Beam of Pure Vengeance: a passing 737 full of people willing to fly Lexair. Don't they know they're contributing to the downfall of Superman? Batman commands Penny-Two to launch the Batplane on autopilot and it will save the plane all by itself. That's convenient! And totally believable! What isn't believable is that Penny-Two has only recently sat down in front of the Batcomputer and she knows how to operate it without any extra help from Batman besides instructions like "Launch Batplane and execute plan Drag That Bitch To Safety."

Why is Alysia suddenly manning the Batcomputer? Shouldn't she be Penny-Three?

Oh wait! I know those tiny, weasel eyes! Fernando Pasarin is drawing this issue! Are you ready for some overly long torsos as well?!

I asked if you were ready!

Somebody in a suit with a smooth head approaches The Joker's Daughter while shushing her. I think it's either The Question or Black Mask. Probably Black Mask because The Question hasn't been very important to The New 52 so far even though he was cast as one of The Trinity of Sin who seem to be important for some reason that has never been articulated very well. It could also be her father with some new LexCorps technology strapped over his face so that he can grow a new one.

Why is Deacon Blackfire summoning every character that was ever in a Perry Bible Fellowship comic strip?

The Spectre finally awakens to tell Deacon Blackfire, politely yet firmly, that he will not be unleashing hell on Gotham. He also says it sensually because he has an enormous erection. I think. No wait, maybe that's his thigh? Or the crotch on some baggy pants? You know what? Forget about that. At least he's finally arrived to save the day! Although he's a bit too late to save Arkham Asylum.

The Spectre seals the portal to Hell and sends Deacon Blackfire back to wherever secondary characters go when they've done their job of advancing the plot past where they're needed. Batwing helps Jim escape while The Joker's Daughter goes off with her mystery date. And when I say "Batwing helps Jim escape," I mean he helps Jim escape while he remains trapped under the rubble of Arkham.

All the inmates inside of Arkham, including Alfred Pennyworth, die in the building's collapse. Except I read Arkham Manor #1 and Alfred wasn't dead in that even though it took place after this. So there is still hope for everybody! Plus, Bane was in the scene where Alfred was freaking out about the earthquake. And no way is Bane going to be killed!

Batman is on scene having just helped save the Lexair flight, so he goes running to the crater to help. While he does that, the Gotham Police arrive to arrest him and/or shoot him. What the fuck is wrong the the Gotham Police? Can people stop writing them as spineless, corrupt pawns that do nothing but abandon the good people of the city and ignore violent crime and villains while trying to kill and/or arrest the only person making a difference?

At the bottom of the crater, Batman encounters The Joker's Daughter who is all dressed up for Halloween as her father on the day he killed Jason Todd. It's pretty creative! But then the comic book ends without Alfred having been saved so I'm going to have to point out how editorial was wrong in Arkham Manor #1 about the events taking place after this issue. We've got at least one more issue to go because Alfred should probably be accounted for.

Batman Eternal #30 Rating: No change. In this issue, Arkham Asylum collapses and the Gotham Police are once again portrayed as dumb fucking assholes. That's pretty much it.

Batgirl #33

Why do so many people want Gotham so badly? Is there a secret cache of gold hidden in the walls?

Why is everybody constantly fighting for control of Gotham? What's so special about Gotham? Or is it just that nobody respects The Batman and the Batfamily? Nobody battles for control of Metropolis like this! Is that because Lex Luthor and Intergang and Superman and the Legion of Newsboys are too formidable? I think it's because Metropolis runs so smoothly. Suicide Slums is the only place with cheap real estate and nobody's trying to improve it because that will drive the poverty stricken, desperate people that love the thug life into other parts of the city. Property values across the rest of the city are probably pretty stable. But I bet there is a fortune to be made on real estate in Gotham! Buy property in the crime infested areas of town, wait for Batman to clean them up, sell high as the area is gentrified, and repeat as another part of town collapses under the weight of thugs dressed as clowns. Batman could probably clean the place up but Bruce Wayne likes making money too much. Batman should be the poster child for gentrification.

But enough about Batman! Apparently this comic book is about Batgirl. She's anti-gentrification which is why she's after Nightfell. I think. Maybe she's after Nightfell because Charise is crazy, runs a crew of super powered thugs, and keeps people as pets. Of course she's also rich and powerful! I bet Bruce Wayne would love it if Batgirl brought down Charise Carnes once and for all. He'll buy up all of her property for pennies and then make sure to install skylights in all the buildings.

This issue begins with Batgirl going mental on The Huntress because Batgirl is prejudiced against people from Earth 2. Who wouldn't be? Damn Twofers. Go home! Don't bring over your diseases we're not resistant to, you grubby schmucks! Stop trying to take our New Earth jobs! Look at poor Helena Bertinelli having to take a job with Spyral because you stole her gig! Boo! Hiss!

Lucky for Batgirl she didn't fight back! This Huntress has Earth 2 Catwoman training!

Once Batgirl calms down, she and her extra long torso decides to tentatively become allies with The Huntress and her extra long torso. Mostly at the insistence of Black Canary and her extra long torso who realizes that Nightfell is really a Birds of Prey type of problem. But not so much a Birds of Prey type of problem that they need to tell Condor about it. Black Canary's probably just trying to find ways to get away from that jerk. I bet as soon as she saw The Huntress appear with that crossbow, she was thinking of ways to arrange for a little crossbow accident involving Condor. Okay, maybe that was me thinking that.

Batgirl's plan of attack is to get information on Bleak Michael from Alysia since Alysia was hired by him for that job that got Ragdolled.

I knew she knew! It's the smell! You don't room with somebody and not know all of their smells! Unless it was the way Babs always mutters "I'm Batgirl!" whenever she successfully opens a jar.

I guess Alysia isn't as smart as Lex Luthor like I was hoping because she merely thinks Babs works undercover for the Gotham Police. Anyway, she helps Babs get a lead on Bleak Michael.

Instead of using whatever information Alysia has, The Birds of Prey decide to ambush him in the Three Towers Parking Garage. Seriously, they needed Alysia for that information? I guess they needed to know which car he drove so they could set up the attack. I bet his license plate says "TOXIC" or "GASMAN" or "ACDFTSH". They catch him easily enough because The Huntress has Earth 2 Batman training!

Come on, Birds! You know how it works! Bleak Michael won't talk until Knightfall tries to have him killed so that he won't talk!

Nightfell's men try to kill Bleak Michael and then he talks! See, Batgirl? You have to remember how these things always go down! That way, you could have just created a scenario by paying some of Alysia's friends to pretend to try to kill Bleak Michael. This way, you had to rely on Nightfell's time table.

Is everybody thoroughly annoyed yet that I keep calling Charise Nightfell? It's a holdover from earlier Batgirl Diary commentaries that I just can't drop!

Bleak Michael informs the Birds that in fifteen hours, Charise is going to have all the criminals in Cherry Hill killed because she's hired an army of mercenaries. So Batgirl calls in some favors with Detective McKenna, Katharsis, and the woman that has her own army trying to take down Charise Carnes. She also calls up Batman to borrow some of his equipment even though she's kind of been treating Batman like crap since Death of the Family. But that's okay. Batman expects his Batkids to be angry with him more often than not. And let's face it, he's not one to let emotions get in the way with protecting his city, is he? I'm just glad nobody made a call to Condor.

Batgirl #33 Rating: No change. I wonder how Charise is going to feel about Katharsis joining the fray on Batgirl's side? I hope Katharsis meeting Black Canary leads to Katharsis joining the Birds of Prey and Condor getting the boot! Or better yet, the axe! Right in the face! Multiple times! Over and over and over! HACK HACK HACK HACK! Um. I'm not a fan of Condor.