All Star Batman #9

I hope this literally happens in the comic book.

The Review!
Why does this comic book cost $4.99? Is it because the cover is stiffer than other covers? I bet I could make a really immature joke about that if I were more immature! But I've grown as a writer. Otherwise I would have pointed out that, on the cover, Ra's is about to use the Washington Monument as a Bat-Butt-Plug.

The issue begins by hoping the reader hasn't ever heard of that René Margaret's painting of a pipe that isn't a pipe. Or maybe it's hoping that you've heard of it so that when you read "This is not a Batman story," you instantly think, "Hey! That's totally artsy fartsy! Like that art movement where Marcel Dumbchump admired urinals and people smoked pipes that weren't pipes!" Maybe this is the first DC Comic book to have Dada Issues?

Before any Actually Nerds actually me, I know Morrison's run of Doom Patrol dealt with Dada Issues.

Since this isn't a Batman story, I now have to use my brain to figure out what the story is actually about! Dammit! I hate using my brain.

That tower isn't a tower.

Whoever is behind the end of the world (according to the cover, Ra's, I guess?), tells Batman that the three previous issues were just informative displays to teach Batman about the three most likely ways the world will end. The first two choices make sense: cataclysm and plague. But the third way he says the world will end is solipsism. That only makes sense if you're a pretentious asshole who is claiming that it makes sense. Does the world end when one believes that they can't truly know it because it resides outside of themselves? Maybe but not in the same way the world ends with a cataclysm or a plague. I don't think you can say the world ends with a philosophical argument. I mean, sure, anytime somebody starts speaking philosophically to me, I want the world to end! But it doesn't. The person just goes on and on and on, philosophically masturbating into my ears. Sometimes I shit myself just so I have an excuse to leave the room.

Ra's tells Batman that he used to think the Washington Monutower was a sword. But now he thinks it looks like a penis. He says "pen" but I know that's just because he didn't get to finish his thought. Obviously he's thinking it's a penis and he's going to use it to fuck Batman. Remember, this isn't a Batman story! That must mean it's slash fanfic.

Bruce and Ra's wind up battling inside the Washington Penis for the fate of the world. I know this isn't really slash fanfic so my mind is still trying to figure out what kind of story this is if it's not a Batman story. Could it be a Superman story? What other kinds of stories does DC Comics tell?

Ra's winds up shooting Batman in the face and shooting Duke in the back of the head and ending the world with his techno-demons. That's why it's not a Batman story! Because it's a Ra's story! It's the story where he wins! Except he can't win, right? I didn't see "Elseworlds" on the cover. So I guess Ra's is probably living some kind of delusional life the way Batman lived one in the last issue.

See? It actually was a Batman story! Just like the pipe is actually a pipe even though it isn't a pipe also at the same time!

Batman is all, "This is a Batman story after all!" Oh man! And I thought I was going to have to use my brain to figure out what kind of story it really was. What a great big trick Scott Snyder just pulled on all of us! He totally wanted us to believe it wasn't a Batman story so we'd be surprised when the Batman book we purchased actually turned out to be a Batman story! Unless...whoa. What if he was telling the truth from the beginning? What if this really never was a Batman story?! That means I need to figure out what the fuck I just read.

Ra's flies away on a Man-bat while Bruce falls out of the Washington Manupenis. But he's caught by an actual Blackhawk! So now he knows the Blackhawks really do exist even if they're supposed to be a super secret undercover black ops team! I guess they don't mind if Bruce knows they exist. He might figure out a way to send them a check.

After the story ends with a shocking twist horror movie ending that probably won't actually pan out in any way or mean anything more than a phone battery dying, the Cursed Wheel backup story is finally going to end. It's supposed to be telling me why I should like Duke Dukington. It hasn't been working so far.

And it still doesn't work. The Riddler puzzle doesn't make any sense. I don't remember why Zsasz was part of this. I don't care about Duke's parents and I don't know why this Daryl guy (his cousin? Bloom? I don't remember!) is harping on him to admit that Duke's got super powers. Apparently Duke does have super powers. He can see people as spaghetti beings. Then Batman solves the riddle that was supposed to be solved or something and something and I don't know what's going on. I'm guessing this story makes sense if it's all read at one time instead of a full month between reading each part. Also, this isn't the end like it says it's the end. The stupid story continues in some shit called Dark Days: The Forge.

The Ranking!
No change. Scott Snyder really doesn't write as well as I thought he wrote five years ago.

All Star Batman #6

Which came first: a story with Batman needing an arctic suit or a toy distributor thinking up a new way to sell another Batman figure?

Batman takes a trip to the Arctic to visit Mr. Freeze. The tale is like an old fashioned science fiction story. It's all about an idea untethered from characters and emotions. I suppose the reader is supposed to connect emotionally because it begins with a Frost poem and Nora Fries is mentioned a few times. You can't not feel emotional when you remember "Heart of Ice," right? It's like a free emotional trigger when writing a Mr. Freeze comic book now. But I didn't feel it was much about Batman or Mr. Freeze. It was more about Scott Snyder having read some facts about bats and why they're good at carrying viruses, and he saw a few X-Files episodes about viruses unlocked in melting ice that could become an extinction level event. It was like being at the pub when a friend sits down with a pint of lager and begins the conversation with, "You know what I read about the other day?" Then he proceeds to completely bore you while you stare dreamily at the bartender you've had a crush on ever since you first started going to that pub. How is this All Star Batman? It's more like All Boring Shit Batman.

The back-up story features Batman getting a crossword clue wrong which blows up an innocent person. Still doesn't count as Batman killing somebody!

What Did We Learn?
I don't know what you may have learned but I learned that Victor Fries has terrible taste in Frost's poetry. He had so many better poems to choose from! Like that one about the celebration of a wall or the one where the guy is trying to beat the snow on his way home or the one about the guy lost in the woods or the one about the kids knocking down all the trees. But that fire and ice poem? So boring! At least he didn't choose "Design"!

I just pulled out an examination book from college from the big box of old shit I'll probably never look at again (unless I need something to talk about on my comic book blog) because I thought I had written an essay on "Fire and Ice". But I hadn't. The essay was a comparison of "Design" by Robert Frost and "Hap" by Thomas Hardy. It was in in-class test and here's what my professor wrote: "Bravo! This is the most memorable, the most intelligent discussion I've seen from a student on this challenging topic. Excellent insight and analysis!" Heh, heh. He wrote "anal".

The Ranking!
No change! But my ranking on that test was 33 out of 33. I should have better self-esteem now that I've remembered a professor once wrote "Bravo!" on one of my tests. I could use more "Bravo!"s in my life.

Superman: American Alien #7

In this issue, Superman goes crazy and burns his insignia into North America.

The Review!
A nice finish to a truly entertaining series. This is absolutely fan-fiction. People do understand that comic books have been fan-fiction for at least half a century, right? The only difference between "professional" fan-fiction and amateur fan-fiction is being accepted and published by the publishers. You can't even point to quality although, due to the quantity (and the knowledge of people who think they can write's writing), I'd have to say a large percentage of fan-fiction isn't that great. But then how is that a real criticism of amateur fan-fiction when a large percentage of "professional" fan-fiction isn't great? You can tell some writers simply want to be known as writers and managed to worm their way into the business without really knowing or loving the characters they're now in charge of. That's most telling when somebody like Max Landis comes along who obviously loves the medium and the characters and has been a fan of them for years. He knows what makes Superman work on a level surpassing his physical abilities. He knows what makes Lobo so disturbing. He hasn't just been handed the task to write a story about Superman or (Twat) Lobo or Aquaman and gone and done his own thing while ignoring the reasons people feel so bound up in these characters. If any series was a strong argument as to how DC mishandled The New 52, it was this series. Because this series also gave us a rebooted version of how Superman may have gotten his start, and various points along that youthful journey. But it also maintained within the character and the universe all of the ephemeral beliefs about Superman that the reader retains from DC's past. I recognize this Superman as being as authentic a Superman as has been written. In seven issues, Max Landis made me happy to read Superman stories. In fifty-two issues of DC's regular Superman title, all I managed to be was angry and disappointed. Please,, DC, more of this Superman.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Valkyrie". I guess that means the theme will be Superman escorting a bunch of people to Valhalla? I suppose it was my own stupidity that led me to think every issue of this series was going to be named after a bird. It's now obvious it was simply named after creatures with wings. I'm assuming Valkyries have wings since I've never met one. I've also never met an angel. I feel that needed to be said since the last issue was called "Angel" and I never questioned whether or not angel's have wings. Explicitly stating I've never met a Valkyrie made it seem like perhaps I had met an angel. To repeat, I have not. I am not a loony cuckoo bird American with an average intelligence. Do you like how I formed that sentence?! It makes it seem like maybe I'm not an American nor do I have average intelligence while explicitly stating I'm not a loony cuckoo bird! But it's not true. I am an American. Although the intelligence bit isn't true because I have something other than an average intelligence. I won't say any more so that you think I mean I have a higher intelligence.

This issue begins with the revelation that American Alien Superman has been sleeping with Lois Lane. I still don't understand how Clark Kent has sex. I don't mean his semen should come out of his penis like a shotgun and blow a hole through his partner's midsection (although that's probably what should be happening). I mean how does he feel anything? If he's invulnerable and he can't feel pain (unless it's some cosmic menace which makes Superman say things like "I actually felt that!" which totally proves my point about him not usually feeling anything) then how does he feel sexual pleasure? Being inside of Lois Lane's vagina is probably exactly like not being inside Lois Lane's vagina. If it's true that Superman can't feel anything (which it is because I've declared it based on years of reading comic books) then he's either faking orgasm or he's simply aroused to the point of ejaculation by the thought of having sex with Lois Lane. I can believe that but only for the first few encounters with her. After Clark has spent enough time devirginized, he's hardly going to blow his load at just the thought of putting his penis inside of a lady. He's going to need some hand work and maybe a little oral and then perhaps some digital stimulation of the asshole. And if he can't feel anything, how is he going to know Lois has a finger up his bum? Hell, Lois would be in danger of losing that finger if he clenched up! I just don't buy any scenario in which Clark could enjoy having sex with a human woman unless he was wearing a Kryptonite cock ring.

While texting Jimmy all the sordid details of his pretend sexcapade with Lois (it must be pretend, as my previous paragraph proves), Clark learns that a building in downtown Metropolis has exploded. The culprit is not a Valkyrie.

Although I imagine Lobo has escorted his fair share of warriors to the afterlife.

With the appearance of Real Deal Lobo here, I realize that Rebirth has given DC a chance to rectify the missteps by introducing Twat Lobo to their fans. If they were smart (they aren't), DC would use the story I outlined that Real Deal Lobo is just future Twat Lobo who realized he was going through a really dopey mod slash emo phase. Twat Lobo must have a binder full of really awful poetry, right? Or maybe Lobo doesn't feel his mod/emo phase was dopey at all and just gets fucked up and hits the skids really hard after overdosing on that drug near the end of the Twat Lobo series. Or what about my other idea that Twat Lobo was a clone that formed when Lobo didn't properly clean up after masturbating all over a modern art exhibit? With Lobo's power to create clones from a single drop of blood (or semen (or pre-cum)), DC could put out a monthly Lobo series with a different Lobo clone whose personality is based on wherever the clone formed. Although I think that might be stealing the entire plot of Neal Obermeyer's Planarian Man.

Superman tries to have a conversation with Lobo. All that's going to do is introduce Clark to phrases like "Feetal's Gizz", "Son of a Bastich", "Frag a frag frag frag!", and "Have you ever tasted your own prostate?" Clark may have think he's seen evil before (and he may have) but I doubt he's yet to see apathetic violence done for whatever. This encounter is really going to confuse the Blue and Red Boy Scout.

Here, Lobo does a better impression of Superman than New 52 Superman ever did of Superman.

This attitude displayed by Lobo is perfect. This is how Superman should treat nearly every encounter he has with any criminal on Earth. I don't mean he should be threatening in any kind of deadly or violent way. But he should remain calm and rational because he knows he yields all the power. There's no need to immediately rush in swinging fists and blasting people with heat vision. Lobo displays the calm, rational patience here that I expect out of Superman at all times. "Look, criminals. I cannot be hurt. I have so much power that Marvel Fangenders regularly blow their hate-load over me. I'm in total control of this situation and I refuse to destroy a single piece of property around me proving it to you. Either you walk away now or I transport you quick as a wink to the Salt Flats where I will beat you as hard as you need beating until you realize a career in crime in Metropolis is futile. Best to try your hand at Gotham, although you'll get far less leniency from the protector of that city."

I also like the threat that Lobo brings to bear here. As Lobo says (and I said earlier with my vague reference to Lobo's cavalier attitude to death and violence), this is a new thing for Superman. It isn't just Lobo's power that is new to Superman. It's his general attitude to death and destruction. Lobo should be presented as Superman's opposite not because Lobo rivals Superman's power but because they're philosophies are diametrically opposed (that's a geometry metaphor!). Lobo should scare Superman shitless not because Lobo can take as many punches as Superman can deliver but because Lobo doesn't give a fig about the lives of others. Ma and Pa Kent could never have taught Clark about somebody like Lobo because they could never have imagined somebody so cruel, vicious, and unsympathetic to any other being (except maybe a dog, a few space dolphins, and maybe some penguins).

Lobo realizes Clark is a Kryptonian and gleefully reveals that Krypton exploded five hundred years ago (Superman is old!).

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time.

I've learned from this series that comic book companies need to stop thinking that any "professional" comic book writer is a good fit to write any comic book. You know who needs to write comic books? People who are fucking fans of comic books and have been for most of their lives. Why do you think Grant Morrison writes such iconic shit? Because he loves the medium and the characters and the ideals and all of that other bullshit. Max Landis has obviously read all of the Lobo stuff that I read growing up and he encapsulates it all in this simple exchange with Superman. Not only does he have no respect for the lives (or deaths) of others but he takes pure joy in his disrespect. Max Landis doesn't use Lobo like other writers in the past have, bringing him in simply to show Superman can pummel the hardest motherfucker in the DC Universe. He brings in Lobo to scare the shit out of Superman that somebody this callous can actually exist in the universe. If I knew what poignant meant, I might use it here incorrectly. Or correctly. The key point being I don't know what poignant means.

Eight pages in and this is my favorite Lobo/Superman conflict ever.

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time. Did I say that already?

Of course, this turns into a brawl. It has to! Superman has to, ultimately, show threats from outer space that he has the muscle to fill his goody two shoes. That's kind of a mixed-up metaphor and a gross image. Superman also manages to say "ass" on live television. Shocking!

The brawl is quite entertaining. Superman needed an early-in-his-career match against Lobo to learn about fighting dirty. It's not like Pa would have taught him it was okay to kick an opponent in the balls, or blindside them with a parking meter, or burn their thumbs off with your heat vision as they try to gouge out your eyes. This battle is an important life lesson!

Superman finishes the fight by throwing Lobo back where he came from. But Lobo is leaving without his space hawg so it might take him awhile to get back. Superman, on the other hand, has just enough time to get back into his Clark Kent costume before he passes out from swelling in the brain.

Later, Lois admits that she loves Clark Kent because they're meant to be together or something. Whatever. Blah, blah, love, blah, blah.

Was the Valkyrie part of this story the part where Superman escorts Lobo into space? Or was it the Lois part where she helps Clark not wind up in Valhalla? Is that part of their job too? Oh wait! I know the answer because the title is supposed to represent the role Superman is playing. I think. I mean, I guess Abin Sur could have been the Angel from last issue, right?!

Batman #44

That list of artists names is all wrong. And what's Azzarello doing here?! *gasp* Is this a filler issue?!

Judging by the missing names of Capullo and Miki and Plascencia, I have a feeling I don't need to recap last issue. Plus this issue is five dollars and I thought Snyder was going to stand up to DC's price gouging on Batman titles. We get it, DC. Batman sells way more comic books than any other comic book you sell, so you love making more money per issue from it. But fuck you! That's your own fault! You're the assholes who have painted Batman as the only capable hero in your universe! At least you can also count on people buying any book with Jason Todd in it as well, no matter who you get to write it.

This issue begins sometime in the past not long after Zero Year. It looks like The Penguin is going to get a story in Batman finally! I guess he deserves one after being allowed to appear in the comic for two pages last issue before being stabbed in the chest by Mister Bloom. The only problem is this story is probably going to have some kind of moral. I bet it gets all preachy on me. I hope I'm too stupid to get the point so that I can just imagine I read a cool Penguin story. I'm only guessing it will be cool because it involves Snyder and Azzarello and not because it involves The Penguin.

The Batman is investigating the murder of a fifteen year old boy shot three times and then pushed out of a flying vehicle. The Penguin must be behind it because Batman made a list with the names of all the super villains he could think of and then crossed most of them out. When he was done, The Penguin's name was the only one not crossed out. Mystery solved!

Waugh! Them's fightin' words, Penguin!

Snyder's Batman really hates being told how much he doesn't know about Gotham. That's nearly the worst insult you can throw at him, right after, "Gotham likes when I fuck it in the ass and say 'Batman sucks!'" But that insult relies on a sketchy metaphor that doesn't really make any sense since nobody can actually find a city's ass.

Batman leaves The Penguin so that The Penguin won't see his tears. He can't stop thinking about what The Penguin said and mumbling, "You don't know me. You don't know what I've been through! This is my city. I know this city. This city loves me. It loves me, Cobblepot! Not you. You stupid fat jerk."

Batman continues his investigation after he realizes Cobblepot didn't kill the kid. He goes off to hassle the Four Fives Gang. He tells them his new theory about how the boy died and he's wrong again. "Dammit!" he thinks. "I really need to work on my investigative technique!" Luckily the head of the Four Fives tells The Batman what he knows and doesn't lie at all. Just like Cobblepot didn't lie. I mean, probably. Who would lie to The Batman's face, right?!

Batman gets a call from Gordon with some information gathered by real detective work. You know, work that doesn't involve hanging The Penguin from the bottom of a blimp and threatening his life. Detective work that doesn't involve beating the crap out of gang members to get them to talk. Although to be fair, I really don't know what kind of shitty tactics Gordon used to find out where the bullets inside the kid came from. I'm guessing he beat up everybody in town who owns a gun until one of them confessed. That's real detective work, right?

The bullets came from the gun of a Gotham Police Officer because of course they did. But since the bullets didn't kill Peter and the fall did, Batman doesn't do anything about the lousy police officer. It's time to dig deeper! Who can he punch next?!

Oh no. I think I feel the moral coming on. Must...resist...!

Batman learns that to become a crimefighting vigilante, the kid went to Blossom Row where people go to drink the potion of Mister Bloom. Whew! Now that the story has tied itself back to the present Batman narrative in previous issues, I can forget all about any kind of message or moral to this story. It's just backstory about how Bruce Wayne once almost captured Mister Bloom and how he's going to have to remember how he once failed the city and this one kid. Which means he'll have to become Batman again, right? The only question is, who is currently narrating this story? Who has learned all of this information and how are they going to get it into the hands of Bruce Wayne? It could be Duke Thomas since he stole those files from the Rec Center last issue. Unless this is one of those super rare events where the narrator is an actual honest-to-goodness omniscient narrator! Hoo boy! It's been awhile since I've seen one of those!

This scan has nothing to do with my commentary. I just thought the way they spelled catastrophic was adorable.

In the end, Batman learns a lesson but I do my best to ignore it. Lessons are for pretentious douches.

Batman #44 Rating: No change. This was a stand alone story with only the vaguest of ties to the current Mister Bloom story taking place in recent issues of Batman. It feels like it should have been told in Detective Comics or Shadows of the Bat (which doesn't exist but maybe it should have for one issue). The reason it takes place in Batman and in the middle of a story arc where Bruce Wayne refuses to become the Batman is probably wrapped up in the moral of the story that I'm trying desperately not to think about. You know? It's that one page where the kid flies and Batman doesn't catch any criminals because nobody is completely at fault but then Batman realizes that the moral is in the wordplay and that the person he should have caught was the kid in trouble desperately trying to survive. The kid even went to all the right places (and some wrong places) in his need to honor a promise to his dad and to stay out of his neighborhood's troubles. But nobody would listen. And so everybody failed this kid. So Batman learned that he needs to save the kids before they force him to break their jaws and put them in Blackgate. And that's kind of what he's doing as Bruce Wayne now. He's reaching out to the kids. He's doing it differently. But he'll probably learn that Mister Bloom was the man who got away on this old case and it'll move him to put on the cowl again. His need for justice for this kid, this Peter Duggio, will be the catalyst to Batman's return and Commissioner Batman being out of a job.