Suicide Squad #15

Super-tits?

I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. The Republican Party just needs a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hillary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hillary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hillary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell! Suicide Squad? More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Suicide Squad #14

Is that a wooden stake bullet for hunting vampires?

The Review!
I'm not really interested in spending a lot of time on this comic book, mostly because it means looking at John Romita Jr's art. Although the story hasn't been helping either, not being in any way gripping and in only tiny ways interesting. Rustam's Burning World Buddies (formerly known as the Jihad) have decided to go from world capital to world capital burning them to the ground. While they're doing that, Harley Quinn has decided to burn the Burning World Buddies' world to the ground because Hack has been killed and they probably did it. I mean, who else could have done it? I know Captain Boomerang did it! But he probably didn't want to seeing as how he's crying in his Fosters right now.

After all the DC reboots, the Jihad still work out of the same building. Oh, sorry! The Burning World Buddies!

As Harley arrives in Qurac, the Burning World Buddies step out of a portal right behind her. She fights them to show she has heart or ideals or something. Deadshot shoots her in the stomach and the first half of the comic book ends. I bet she's really dead now too! Just like Hack and Amanda! None of them are fake dead due to some crazy plan to expose the spy and capture Rustam at all!

The second half of the comic shows what the other members of the Squad are doing while Harley is begging them all to go on her revenge trip to Qurac. Boomerang, Croc, and Enchantress all agree and head over to help out. They get there right after Harley is shot by Deadshot. But the Burning World Buddies aren't too concerned about them. They're busy being worried about Amanda Waller stepping out of a sand storm.

WHAT?! Amanda Waller is alive?! But she died! She totally died and was dead and everybody totally bought it and everything! This is too big a surprise to believe! Next month I'll probably learn that Harley didn't really get shot by Deadshot because Deadshot has been working with the Squad this whole time! And we'll learn that Hack survived being stabbed by Boomerang using her ability to go digital! And I bet even all the Man-Bats that died in China aren't really fucking dead either! Stupid Suicide Squad. Change your dumb name already!

The Ranking!
-1! Can't somebody in this stupid comic book stay dead? So stupid. The stupidest!

Suicide Squad #13

I wish John Romita Jr. had never followed in his father's footsteps.

Katana and Rick Flag have become prisoners of Rustam. He's decided that since he was once betrayed by an employer, all employers must die and all employees set free. I don't have a problem with that. I once had a manager who cried during a salary review meeting because I wasn't her friend. I didn't get a raise. I also quit a few weeks later and while I didn't go around the world decapitating guards of prisons (why would I? Aren't they the same kinds of people who need to be set free? Rustam is a dick) and setting loose all of the criminals of the world, I have never worked for an actual employer ever again. Fuck the system. Fuck job creators. Fuck everybody except myself. Why would I want to work for companies where the CEOs look at me as if I'm a parasite and not part of the backbone of their company? I hope Rustam destroys them all!

I have a feeling a lot of people over the years have called Romita's artwork "dynamic."

That was a criticism that also cuts Rob Liefeld! Also, it's probably not a fair criticism of Romita, especially in regards to that panel. That panel is mostly fine and, quite often, Romita's art isn't even dynamic. It usually looks like he maps the scene out on graph paper and then replaces most of the ninety degree corners with slight curves. The only reason I scanned in this panel and not the terrible artwork of the first page is because I don't understand how Deadshot sees through the scope on that helmet unless he's got some kind of chameleon eye.

Rob Williams writing isn't currently doing anything for me now either. I suppose if it were, I'd look past the problem I have with Romita's work. I certainly didn't feel the need to complain (much) while reading Kick Ass.

Harcourt (the new white, skinny Waller) decides to send Croc in to break up the fight. But Croc just treats it as an excuse to remind the readers that he eats the flesh of people. That's basically his character these days. He eats guards regularly and wants to fuck Enchantress. Croc only makes the situation worse so Harcourt uses the brain bombs to stop the aggression. I suppose she could have done that initially but then she wouldn't have been able to push Croc around.

Going from twenty to eleven is not turning it up, dum-dum. You should either have said, "Brain bomb at 2. Don't make me turn it up to 11," or "Brain bomb at twenty percent. Don't make me turn it up to 110%." You need to be exceedingly clear when dealing with these savvy criminal types!

Deadshot admits to killing Waller for Rustam in exchange for his own freedom. It's almost certainly not part of a bigger plan to catch Rustam at all. Waller is dead. You must learn to live with this one, actual comic book death, the first in the pages of Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. I mean, I guess Lime of Lemon and Lime fame died. And Yo Yo died without coming back (the second time! He did survive the first death of being eaten by King Shark). And a bunch of Man-bats died. And that one guy who died immediately in The New 52 but then came back and then maybe died again and then came back but then his head blew up because he was resurrected too many times? Maybe that guy counts too. So that's three (maybe?) and a few Man-Bats in six years? Not good enough, Suicide Squad. I think the Justice League has suffered more losses than that!

After the super surprising revelation that Deadshot killed Waller while working for Rustam, the Jihad...er, I mean, the Burning World Buddies make their assault on Belle Reve. Djinn enters the system to steal all of Amanda Waller's files she uses to blackmail everybody in the world. She must have purchased them from All Star Batman's Two-face. He knows everybody's dirty little secrets because he's such an amazing district attorney. Those guys are fantastic at digging up dirt to put people away unless those people are dirty cops and then they don't try to convict them at all because working against the police would destroy the career of a district attorney who needs them on his side to do his job well. And even though you'd think good cops would want to prosecute corrupt cops, it seemingly doesn't ever work that way at all.

Anally fisting an antagonist seems like a slightly over-the-top way of stopping them.

Djinn unencrypts the files the Suicide Squad stole from The People and Hack gets a good look at them. Instead of saying whatever she discovered, she spends the time she has before she's cut off declaring how she now knows the thing that she probably needs to tell the others but didn't have time because she had to let them know she knew it first. I guess I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat now? What is it?! What did you discover, Hack?! Oh my goodness! This tense excitement could only be better if it had been caused by Hack actually revealing something exciting instead of just teasing that she knows something exciting!

The thing she's most excited about (since she couldn't reveal the Annihilation Brigade's current location or who she finally knows whatever) is that the brain bombs have been deactivated. That means Harcourt can't turn them up to 11! It also means Deadshot gets to escape with Rustam. And also that the first part of the story is over.

This comic is still split up into two stories even though the second half now continues the current story. I guess when you're an artist like Jim Lee or John Romita Jr, you can't make monthly deadlines because you're so busy scribbling lines all over your finished art.

Do we? I think if you're asking that question, you're the villain. I know the time I was rescuing all of those orphans from the burning building, I didn't think, "Am I the hero? Or the villain?" But when I was setting the orphanage on fire, I was definitely asking that.

I'm not sure if Rob Williams knows how prisons work but he seems to think that if you blow a hole in one of the walls, every prisoner in the prison can get out. It happened at Blackgate and now it's happening at Belle Reve.

Since the brain bombs have been turned off, Croc heads back into the swamp and Digger takes off. June, Hack, and Harley head into a swamp pub to talk about relationships. Because that's what girls talk about, right?

Even though Hack said, in the last part of the story, "I finally know who...," it didn't mean she discovered who The People's spy was in the Suicide Squad. You would think that's what she meant. But it wasn't. Because after Harley calls her a hero, she has to go back to Belle Reve to figure out who it was. Now, she could have figured it out the way she usually does her thing. She could have turned digital and found the information that way. But if she did that, how could this have happened?

Whoops! Also, if you're keeping count, that's two out of the last three issues that ended with a black female being killed. Double whoops!

And they're both definitely dead! Definitely. No way either one can still be alive. Kaput!

The Ranking!
No change! Things really change fast! For a second there, I thought I was enjoying this comic book. Now there's nothing about it I like! Kay Sarah, Kay Sarah!

Suicide Squad #12

Harley's head could fit down Deadshot's throat! Sexy!

Last issue ended with Amanda shot in a dark alley by a man wielding two pistols. This issue begins with Amanda (skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat people) rushed to a hospital with a single gunshot wound to the chest. Two pistols and the assassin only managed one hit? I bet it the assassin was Deadborn.

Does anybody else remember Deadborn? Every time I want to bring him up, I call him Stillborn before doing a little research on my own blog to remember his real name. If you're wondering, "Who the fuck comes up with the name Deadborn?", I can only give you one answer. Luckily it's an answer that will completely clear up the confusion: Rob Liefeld.

While Amanda is dying, she's Narration Boxing some really lucid shit that, while lucid, doesn't really make a lot of sense. She's all, "These doctors could save my life if they had the time! But I'm not going to give them the time! Because I should die! It's a good thing I set up these protocols to make sure that if I'm shot in a dark alley without anybody knowing, the protocols could totally kick in and some armed guards would appear at the nearest hospital to keep the doctors from saving me! Winner!" Then I guess she dies. Probably.

Rustam is busy not being able to get over Amanda's betrayal. So he's decided to break into Blackgate. He's got help from Djinn, so it looks like he's getting the old team together. That team is the Jihad. They're totally not in any way associated with Islam! They're from the country of Qurac which is, granted, located in the Middle East. But the residents of Qurac are terrorist assholes based on no religion at all. They're just made up terrorist assholes that DC can use so that people don't get all over their dick about stereotyping. "It's Qurac! A nation where only evil people live! Duh! Get off my dick!" is the kind of thing they probably say a lot.

I wonder what it's like to ink John Romita Jr.'s pencils? I wonder if the inker is constantly thinking, "I could really tighten this up. Or improve this. Or really fucking make this look like somebody with talent drew it. But you know what? I don't get paid that much." I wish Richard Friend would send me an anonymous message detailing what it feels like to get John Romita Jr. pages in the mail. He could stay anonymous! I would just say "A little friend told me...wink wink!"

The other side of the screen is the back of Harcourt's head! Ah ha ha! Oh, Johnny. You are terrible.

Amanda Waller allows herself to die. I guess so she can come back as Deadwoman? It's not going to work as well as Deadman since she's dying topless on a surgeon's table. She won't be approved for anything but mature content comic books.

When the Suicide Squad arrives at Blackgate to stop the Jihad, Rustam reveals that he's come up with a new name for the team because, well, you know why. His team is now called The Burning World and doesn't make me think of radical Islamic terrorists at all! It puts me more in mind of Midnight Oil.

Rustam figures he'd better reintroduce his Jihad...er, sorry...his Burning World buddies to this Suicide Squad since only Flag, Deadshot, Enchantress, and Boomerang remember any of them. So, really, most of this Squad remembers them.

First up is Manticore, a genetically modified man with a lion's head and the inability to come up with clever retorts! RRRAAAR! Word to your mother!

Manticore can turn into a spirit tiger? Why a tiger when he has the head of a lion?! This makes all kinds of no sense at all!

Second up is Jaculi, a speedster who throws javelins. DC has opted to go with the male Jaculi. I guess otherwise she would have been held in Blackgate's Women's Annex?

Third up is Ravan. He's kind of boring. I think he was just Deadshot's nemesis which means he's good with guns. You know how evil super villain teams work! They always have to be weird mirrors to the team they're fighting. If you're thinking, "Then why a speedster with Jaculi?", you're obviously not a real fangender! Fake fangender! Fake Fangender! You should totally know that Captain Boomerang's nemeses are always speedsters because it continues the theme of nothing ever making any sense in comic books. Ever.

The Burning World Buddies defeat the Squad and send Katana and Rick Flag through a portal into the unknown (I bet that will be the story in the second half!). Djinn picks up a message over the Internet or radio or whatever the fuck he's tuned into that Amanda Waller has died. So Burning World Buddies decide enough's enough for now and they take off. But they explain their plan: all prisoners everywhere shall be free forever! What a radical concept! I suppose he doesn't care if they're recaptured, right? I mean, how many times do you have to save some idiot before he starts taking responsibility for saving himself? Or herself, of course! I don't want to not include women in my blanket "idiot" statement.

The back-up story is Amanda's funeral because she's totally dead. No question about it. Gone. Forever. Stop doubting it, doubter!

Or keep doubting? What do I care? Even Harcourt is doubting even though she identified the body. Something fishy is going on and she's going to find out what!

Harcourt is terrible at her job. A bullet to the heart is not Rustam's M.O. That would be decapitation.

Harley and Hack do some detective work before they come up with the person who has the actual obvious M.O.: Deadshot! Duh! Also, Waller is dead. Absolutely dead. Never coming back. Done. No longer a part of the Suicide Squad. Don't even think it's some kind of trick. What do you think you are? Some kind of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? I'm telling you she's dead!

The Ranking!
No change!

All Star Batman #5

I'm sure punching somebody six feet into the air isn't as deadly as it sounds.

Batman's road-trip finally comes to an end.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman learned that nothing fucking matters because no matter how hard you work or how much effort you put into a five issue story arc, things just return to exactly where they were at the beginning of the five issue story arc. Bruce Wayne's secret life as Batman isn't exposed even though it looked like it was about to be discovered by the Gotham Police. Batman's search to cure Harvey Dent just wound up in Batman telling Harvey Dent that he can't cure him because it's not up to him to fight Harvey's battles for him. The people of Gotham go from not wanting to kill Batman at the start to wanting to kill Batman to save their secrets and right back to not wanting to kill Batman once Two-Face isn't cured. Although if I were Batman, I'd investigate every single one of these people attempting murder to keep their secrets. Those must be some dark, demented secrets! Also, Alfred confesses to Batman that he once put out a hit on The Joker but reconsidered a few hours later. That doesn't seem like much of a confession since Batman already knows Alfred would blow the fucking Joker's head off with a shotgun if he ever got the chance. Alfred also calls himself a hypocrite because he advised Batman as a boy not to kill Joe Chill (or Harvey's dad?). But that's not hypocrisy at all. That's just a father trying to keep his son safe and innocent. It also shows quite a bit of foresight because how could Batman go around feeling superior to all of the other Justice League members because he doesn't kill? Not that they kill either but Batman is like an alcoholic who doesn't drink telling teetotalers how it's much harder for him not to drink and thus means a lot more.

The Ranking!
No change. Fucking comic books! Shouldn't a book with "all star" in the title create some kind of actual change in the Batman's world, or at least have a little more meaning than "We all have to fight to not be bad guys and shit, dude!"? Scott Snyder has a way of writing a big story that never really has any impact on Batman when it's done. Which, really, means he's doing comic books perfectly. They're really stories about characters in amber. They're not meant to learn anything; they're meant to teach. They're morality tales told to people who probably don't give a shit as long as the art is cool and there's loads of violence. So I probably should have kept the "What Did Batman Learn?" section as "What Did We Learn?" because Batman never fucking learns a thing! If he did, he'd retire with Selina to a private island and let all of the super genius Bat-kids without death wishes and obsessive personalities keep Gotham safe.

All-Star Batman #2

Oh my god this cover is so stupid!

The Commentary!
• DC Comics really knows how to squeeze every last dollar out of their Batman franchise. I don't blame them since they spend zero time trying to turn any of their other characters into the same kind of phenomenon. Instead of having meetings about how to improve the writing on Superman, they have meetings about how many Batman comic books they can sell each month and ways to make those comic books more expensive. The regular Batman title is a bit hampered by their dedication to biweekly (or bimonthly, depending on who is reading this and how annoyed they get at what they think is the improper usage of either of those terms when really we should just have an international meeting of English speaking countries to tie those fucking terms down to one meaning) comic books priced at $2.99. It's a smart move because that still means they make six dollars per Batman fan every month right there! But stop the presses! What if they could also sell a monthly Batman book for five more dollars each month?! Some people might think that price is a bit excessive but did those people note the extra heavy card stock being used for the covers?! It's also quite glossy! Too bad it's ruined by the John Romita Jr. cover art. But wait! The cover isn't the only bonus! You also get more madcap adventure with forty pages! Some of those pages are advertisements, of course. And the actual extra story pages are a back-up story that, even if it's well done, isn't really the story you want to be reading. But if that's not enough to justify the $4.99 then maybe don't buy the comic book because I can't think of any other reasons to make the price increase seem like a good deal. I definitely can't mention the art.

• Batman is currently on a road trip with Two-Face. They're headed to Two-Face's childhood home which is probably a duplex. But along the way, Batman must fight off a horde of villains set loose on him by Two-Face's proclamation that he'll present a large cash reward to whoever stops Batman. Also, if nobody stops Batman, Two-Face will reveal the dirtiest secrets of every single Gothamite. He knows all of the secrets because fuck you, that's how.

• This issue begins two days from the present. I guess Snyder hasn't given up on sticking twos in all of the time jumps. I would have thought he milked that for all it was worth in the first issue. Maybe he's concerned it was too (two!) subtle and not everybody noticed how smart he was being. Anyway, two days ago, Jim Bullock and Harvey Gordon were hanging out looking terrible.

I guess Two-Face isn't the only one who knows some secrets.

• I'm going to enjoy this comic book for what it is but I want to state, for the record, that the premise is fucking ridiculous. I understand Scott Snyder probably began the story by coming up with the question: What would any of us do to protect our most secret shame? Or, um, you know...something like that! He was probably sitting at a coffee shop taking upskirt photos and thinking, "What if Two-Face were omniscient and everybody in Gotham believed he was omniscient and then he threatened to expose their strange perversions or dark histories? I bet everybody would turn on the one guy who has nothing to hide: Batman!" Then he began writing a story which I already found entertaining in Issue #1 (except maybe the part where Alfred turned on Batman as well) even after I thoroughly pooh-poohed the premise.

• At the end of the last issue, Batman was driving off with Two-Face locked in the back of the truck Batman stole and Gentleman Ghost hanging on the back. That's why this issue begins with Batman being crushed to death by Killer Croc on the top of a train. So is this issue also going to tell the tale backwards? Is that the gimmick for the whole series? If so, it must mean something, right?! Is it because Batman is taking Two-Face back to face his past? And, in the same way, Two-Face is forcing every citizen of Gotham to face their past as they worry it'll be exposed?

• John Romita Jr. draws a terrible Killer Croc. His King Shark isn't too good either. King Shark is there to split the money with Killer Croc because they must not be confident that they can take Batman by themselves. Hell, they aren't even confident they can take Batman with each other because they've also brought along Amygdala. In introducing the three behemoths, the narration goes on quite a bit about each of their brains. I think that's to show they're not smart enough to realize, yet, that they're going to have to share Two-Face's reward. They'll probably start fighting over that so Batman can escape.

King Shark and Killer Croc have a nice laugh after Batman stabs Amygdala with his Bat-ear knives. Or maybe they just have gas.

• Batman uses some shark repellent to knock King Shark off of the train. Amygdala is also knocked off of the train because he served his purpose, mostly just to add to the huge list of villains Batman must face in All-Star Batman. Plus, you know, shark repellent! Hilarious reference to Campy Batman!

• Killer Croc is about to finish Batman off by hitting him with a large tree trunk. Luckily for Batman, he's got his Bat-Attach-A-Tree-Trunk-To-A-Massive-Person-Holding-It-Rang strapped to his back. He uses it on Waylon who now is too wide to fit in the tunnel the train is entering and is kept out of the tunnel and probably not crushed to death by a bigger train car coming up behind him. Because Batman couldn't have just killed three people in just a few pages after having not killed anybody ever (according to Batman himself, of course). I mean, King Shark and Amygdala obviously survived falling off of the train anyway so Killer Croc would only be Batman's first kill since he began his career.

• After the train exits the tunnel, Batman is shot by two poison darts: one from Cheshire and one from Copperhead. So I guess now he'll die of poison! No way Batman could have seen this coming! I mean, he did just use a Batarang with such a specific use that I'd be an idiot to think he doesn't have a way to survive being poisoned by two different poisons at once! But idiot or not, I'm predicting he's going to die in a few minutes! I just won't believe it if he survives this trap too!

• Dammit. Batman survives it! How does he do it?! Every time! No matter how improbable his odds of survival, he survives! I mean, except for the few times he doesn't! Although even when he dies, he doesn't die! He's incredible!

• Meanwhile in Gotham City, The Penguin, Great White, and Black Mask hire a Russian Super Hitman to take out Batman. Why is everybody so worried about their pasts being exposed? These guys are Gotham Mafia! Anything that comes out can only help their reputation. Unless they're trying to hide the charitable good deeds they've done in the past. Maybe they're ashamed of how much they loved their mothers?

• Twenty hours ago, Alfred and Duke Thomas were busy discussing what makes Two-Face Two-Face and why Two-Face can seem so different across all of his stories. Alfred doesn't say it's because it depends on who is writing him because Alfred is a fictional character in the story. But he does explain that Two-Face is a dick and Harvey Dent isn't. Plus they're trying to find a cure for Two-Face. I say a skin graft would go a long way to making him feel more confident.

• About five minutes...no, wait, make that two minutes after Batman and Two-Face survive being poisoned and falling off of a train trestle, Batman is shot in the head by some cops or prison guards or security personnel. I guess he'll get out of this one too! He's so resourceful!

• His resource this time is KGBeast! I mean, The Beast! That's the guy Penguin and friends hired to kill Batman. Well, that seems fair since Batman once killed him. I mean, he cut off his arm and left him to die which would be enough for most juries to convict a person of murder. But KGBeast survived and now he's, apparently, the world's greatest killer! He rescues Batman but he only does it to kill Batman. So Batman isn't out of the woods which caught fire due to a careless hunter trying to fry some eggs in a pan around a fire not in a secure firepit.

• That's probably a good place to end the story for this month. But Snyder chooses to end with Gordon and Bullock breaking through Bruce's Bat-clock to discover...well, who knows what they've discovered. Jim just says, "Damn you, Bruce. What the hell have you done?" So maybe he sees a staircase down into the batcave behind the clock. Or maybe Alfred, in an attempt to save Bruce the embarrassment of being Batman, shoved a bunch of child porn in there.

• There's still the back-up story about a wheel and Duke! In it, Duke gets cut up by Zsasz. The end! Next time: Batman feels bad!

The Review!
Here are the essential elements of this story. Batman fighting outside of Gotham. Two-Face showing Batman that everybody has two faces. Batman trying to get Two-Face's two halves to merge. Two-Face trying to get Batman's two halves to merge. Batman doing what he thinks is right no matter what the cost to himself, and to everybody else. It's that last one which might be the biggest problem for Batman. Some people use telling the truth as a reason to be a complete and utter asshole. Batman, apparently, uses justice. Fuck everybody's feelings as long as Batman gets done what he thinks needs to be done! At this point, I'm hoping--just a little bit--that Two-Face winds up triumphant.

Ranking: +0!

All Star Batman #1

Which Batman were you expecting?

The Review!
This book seems like it'll be fun. Even though the basic premise that I have to buy to really get into the story is this: Harvey Dent somehow magically knows everything about everybody ever and can reveal it in such a way that it isn't just white noise when it's let loose into the world! I suppose I don't totally have to buy into that premise. I just have to buy into the premise that everybody in Gotham buys into the premise and that they all have dirty secrets that they've idiotically not completely kept to themselves! Such amateurs! When you have dirty secrets, you don't tell them to anybody! I mean, sometimes you can tell them on your blog but then you also have to say a lot of things that are complete fabrications to hide the truths amid the lies! That works really well! I know because a friend of a friend who has this really awesome comic book blog that everybody should be reading told me how it works really well! Was that clear enough so that you know I'm talking about my blog? I mean, I wanted to be subtle about it but then I realized if you didn't get I was talking about my blog, you might think there's actually another comic book blog out there that's better than this blog and I couldn't leave you thinking that! Although I bet those guys at the Weird Science Blog have some really disgusting secrets! I bet they shave kittens and rub them on their testicles. They're so gross!

The Commentary!
My cousin messaged me on the day this came out and asked, "All Star Batman? Yes or no?" I said, "Yes, I suppose. I'm pro Snyder but not so hot on Romita." He told me that was almost word for word what the clerk at his comic book store told him. So I guess I'm not as avant-garde a thinker as I thought I was. I'm just as intelligent as a jerk selling comic books to other jerks. But, in all sincerity (and I'm rarely sincere so listen closely! Or read closely. Whatever. You understood!), how did John Romita Jr. get the job on All Star Batman? During the John Romita Jr. Variant Covers month, he drew Batman wielding a gun. If there's one absolute no-no of a way to fuck up a portrait of Batman, that would be it! And now on the cover of this issue, he's drawn Batman with some kind of gigantic bottle opener batarang that might also be some kind of bear trap? You'll have to look at your own copy of this comic book because I scanned the Adam West Variant Cover.

"Hoo hoo hey! I was drawn by a professional!"

The poor guy with the red wall eyes is the owner of a truck stop diner that's about to get smashed to bits by Batman's face. Killer Moth and Firefly (two bug-type criminals because the waitress was talking about how big the bugs are getting and then...ha ha! Get it!) throw Batman through the window and into the jukebox. I think it's a jukebox. It's a pretty big fucking jukebox. But it has all the hallmarks of a jukebox. I think. Anyway, Batman's face smashes straight through it because somehow Killer Moth and Firefly got the drop on Batman. I don't really need to know how. I don't need a "24 hours earlier" bit on the next page and I have a feeling Snyder won't do that to the reader. This is All Star Batman! None of those gimmicks for this periodical! This is all action and poorly rendered jukeboxes and diner chefs!

Firefly and Killer Moth want some information from Batman. They threaten to kill everybody in the diner if Batman doesn't give up what he knows. I have a feeling Batman isn't going to give them the answer they want. Unless what they're looking for are his Batarangs! He'll show them exactly where those are and in what orifices they uncomfortably fit!

Batman spits out a few teeth and a half gallon of blood so he can say, "Remain calm, everybody! I have this handled! Did I say clam? I meant calm if I said clam. I don't think I said clam but I don't want anybody to be confused. Remain clam. I mean calm!" Then he creepily winks at everybody while the comic book explains he's Batman: most wanted man in the state. Oh my! I wonder what that's about! So exciting!

Actually, their only job is to fuck, shut up, and die! So, maybe go with another bon mot unless you're ready to carry through with an anal raping in front of the diner patrons. You know, to be technically correct and all. Just actuallying!

"Just actuallying!" is what nerds should start saying instead of "Just saying!" Because they're never just saying! But they're always just wiping their drippy dicks all over the chins of everybody they just put in their place with a well-timed actually!

Why would Batman think that Killer Moth doesn't know everything there is to know about moths already? Does he think Killer Moth is just half-assing the gimmick? Come on, Batman! Show your villainous counterparts some respect!

Batman just got beat to crap and then beat the crap out of the people who beat him to crap and some asshole in the crowd of bystanders decides it's an optimal time for calling out his bullshit. Well, at least you feel good about yourself, Ms. Self-Righteous, My-Way-Or-My-Incessant-Yapping Piece of Shit! At least now you'll be able to tell the story and make yourself out to be the social hero! "Batman was right there in the diner, bleeding from nearly every orifice, having just butt-fucked a man in a moth costume and I stood my ground! I was all, 'You are gross, Batman! You are problematic and gross and it's your fault that we're all about to die because a dangerous villain followed you here! I mean, you were dragged here by two men in bug costumes but that's no excuse! Hashtag Batman? More like Badman!'" Luckily Batman doesn't have to listen to her for long because he's dragged back outside by a pair of mechanical arms.

This is the part of the story where Scott Snyder finally can't resist and feels the need to explain what's been happening. Boo! Hiss! Snyder, you coward!

Snyder then begins to tell the story backwards because who wants to read a boring linear story? Writing a story backwards is something Real Writers do! They're all, "Check this shit out! I'm fucking blowing this narrative to Comedom King! Get it? Did you get that joke? Was it too intellectual for you?!"

The problem with writing the story backwards is that I find it difficult to comment on. Jerk is making my job hard! So twenty-two minutes before the diner scene, some guy in a potato sack hood scoffed at Batman for throwing something away. What did he throw away? I don't know! It's a backwards mystery! Then two hours before that, Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and some idiot in motorcycle gear apparently sponsored by Batman are standing around the Bat-signal chatting about acid rain and Harvey Dent. Citizens are standing around in the streets covered in bandages. I'm assuming it's because they're embarrassed to be seen looking like they were drawn by John Romita Jr.

Oh, I guess Motorcycle Batman is Duke Thomas. Batman explains that he's better than Robin. I guess all the pederast jokes were getting kind of old.

Two weeks before the rooftop meeting, Batman was asked by Harvey Dent to burn Two-Face out of him. So, you know, Harvey Dent is back to life because this is Rebirth! Harvey Dent told Bruce he had a plan to get rid of Two-Face once and for all. But Alfred was all, "How do you know this isn't Two-Face telling you these things! You're going to be in big trouble, sir!" And Batman was all, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred. Who signs your checks?"

Notice all the time increments have twos in them! I think that's a clue! I bet the next flashback will be two years ago!

Eventually enough back story is given (I hope!) and things settle back down to 20 minutes before the diner. Twenty minutes ago, Batman was forced to listen to Harvey Dent psychoanalyze everybody in Gotham, all based on the fact that his evil eye is color-blind.

Oh, shut the fuck up. I wish I signed your paychecks!

Two-Face believes everybody has a secret side they hide from the world. I've said it before that we all have secrets we'd refuse to tell even our closest confidantes. Not me, of course! I tell everybody everything via this blog! So Two-Face wouldn't be able to control me! He'd be all, "I'll tell everybody you sniff your belly button funk!" And I'll be all, "Oh yeah? I'll show everybody! See? Mmmm! Mmmm! So tangy!" And he'll be all, "Eww! I point out how you once masturbated in a park after dark!" And I'll be all, "Hey! I didn't do that! Don't tell people I did that! That's a big fat lie that you can't prove anyway because nobody even saw me!" And then he'll be all, "Oh yeah! But what about that time you..." And I'll scream, "Not that! That's enough! I'll take your deal! Just don't say that!" Okay. So there are some things I'll never reveal to anonymous people on the other side of this computer screen. Why should I? You're all judgmental bastards!

Two-Face has made a deal with everybody in Gotham that if he gets to wherever Batman is taking him, he's going to release all of the secrets he knows about everybody (and being Gotham's District Attorney, apparently he has access to it all). Now, I don't believe everybody cares. I bet 85% of the residents of Gotham will shrug their shoulders and go, "Who the fuck cares? No way he knows I secretly dig up earthworms in the backyard and shove them in my vagina." But Two-Face knows that 15% of the people of Gotham will be terrified by Two-Face's threat. And they'll mobilize to stop Batman. Like Killer Moth and Firefly have done! And the guy with the mechanical arms.

Also, if Two-Face is set free, he's going to pay the person scads and scads of money! The next villain to beat up Batman is Black Spider. He's the guy with the mechanical arms that pulled Batman out of the diner. He also has some bullets in a gun that all say "Batmau" on them. He set the press wrong because he was in a hurry.

Batman stops Black Spider too because how could he not? It's Black Spider not Doomsday (who Batman could also stop anyway)! But then all of the assholes in the diner decide to join up and collect the reward together because--as I pointed out in the beginning of the sentence--they're assholes.

Batman gets away from them quicker than it takes him to piss in the morning (which, seeing as he's getting older, isn't really all that quick) and he drags Harvey away to lock him in the back of a truck. I guess he's going to drive Harvey to wherever he's taking him. And he'll have to battle scads and scads of villains along the way! I wonder if I can fit any more "scads and scads" into this commentary? Wouldn't it be great to have scads and scads of "scads and scads"? Bingo! Anyway, that's probably why the issue begain "Miles Traveled: 0". Because Batman is going to have to drive 500 miles just to...oh, you know where that's going, don't you? Sorry.

The "house" Batman is taking Harvey Dent to is probably his childhood home where he'll be able to face the thing that caused the schism way back in his childhood. It was probably seeing the neighbor girl shoving earthworms into her vagina.

Batman goes radio silent with Alfred because Batman knew Alfred targeted the Batplane. Not that Alfred has anything to hide. It's just he's tired of having to shut the fuck up simply because Batman signs his motherfucking checks. Batman drives off on his own with only Gentleman Ghost hanging on to the back of the truck as it heads toward its destination.

There's a back-up story because there had to be a reason that Declan Shalvey and Jordie Bellaire got their names on the cover but weren't involved in the first story. That's called a clue! And I noticed it because I'm like Batman! I fuck moth's in the ass! I mean, something about being a detective! Not the moth thing!

The back-up story is called "The Cursed Wheel" and it's Duke's first case with the Batman where he does more than just solve word problems. In this case, he's wearing his new outfit which he bought at the Yamaha Dealership and stuck Bat stickers on. I still don't know what his superhero name is if it isn't Robin. I'm guessing it's just Motorcycle Batman!

Duke and Batman investigate some killings that look like Zsasz was probably responsible. But that's not the important part of this first chapter. The important part is The Cursed Wheel which is some kind of visual representation of all of Batman's training and all of Alfred's sassy remarks woven into a template that teaches sidekicks to become heroes...or villains! And one of them is a great big stinky villain who won't be revealed until who knows when. But it had better not be Alfred! Even though he took a shot at Batman in the main story! I'm sure that was just Alfred knowing the best way to help Batman was to knock his plane out of the sky and force Batman to go radio silent. Right? That has to be why he did that. Right? RIGHT?! TELL ME I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND SNYDER ISN'T DOING THE ONE THING I SAID SO LONG AGO THAT NO WRITER SHOULD EVER DO?!

Superman #41

Why is this weaselly faced guy wearing Superman's clothes?

I have no idea what order to read Superman's Truth books this month. Action Comics had a note to see Superman #41 but Superman #41 came out last out of all the Superman Truth books. I have a feeling it really won't matter and they'll all just wind up sort of referring to each other. But I'm going to start with Superman #41 simply because the Action Comics #41 note seemed like it was in reference to the whole Lois Lane exposing Clark's identity thing. Anyway, I've made my decision and it's too late to change my mind.

This issue is called "Before Truth" and it's Part One so it makes it sound like it'll tell the story that leads to all of Superman's troubles. But the comic begins with the caption, "After everything changed." That makes it sound like it's a story that takes place in the aftermath of all of Superman's troubles. I guess I should just get to it.

Superman is riding on the back of an airplane because he can't fly anymore. He's also wearing his Superboy costume and carrying a messenger bag. I bet Lois Lane's head is inside of it.

The second page is captioned "Before" so I guess this will be the story about Lois Lane betraying Clark. That should be fun.

Clark Kent gets a tip about illegal arms sales in Metropolis so he and Jimmy head out to get the scoop. Once there, he and Jimmy are caught so Clark has to put on the Superman outfit and bust some heads. Lois Lane was suspicious about Superman's head wound and Clark's bandaged head at the end of last issue, so she might be the anonymous source sending Clark into danger simply to see if Superman arrives. I suppose if Clark Kent wasn't Superman and he died, Lois would be able to win a Pulitzer covering that story.

When everything at the probably Intergang meet-up goes wrong, Superman is forced to use his FWASH power. For a guy who never needed that power before a month or so ago, he sure does resort to it a lot now. Plus he likes to do it for fun. I think he might have a problem. Superman is addicted to whatever rush he gets using that power. Or he just loves being powerless. I think addiction must be a part of it though because he's getting careless. Every time he's used the power before, he's blown up everything around him. Setting off the power in the middle of Metropolis just seems irresponsible.

Clark needs to learn to be more careful. He's too used to being able to hear and smell Lois whenever she's skulking about.

Lois helps Clark and Jimmy identify the man running guns which allows her to weasel her way into the byline. Perry Jameson is super excited about his people sniffing out a great story because his paper is failing because nobody reads newspapers anymore. And even though The Daily Planet broke this story, most people are going to read about the story in scrolling text on CNN or via FARK on the internet. Most people won't even hear the names of the reporters who broke the story. Jimmy might make some cash off of his pictures but that's about it. Lois and Clark are fucked.

No wonder Lois Lane is going to be desperate to ruin Clark's life! A huge story that also results in less competition? Who can blame her?

Clark hears back from his anonymous contact only to find out that the contact knows his secret! The contact even set up a webpage with proof that Superman is Clark Kent. And now the Anonymous Tipster believes that they can extort Superman to do their bidding. Has this person never heard of Superman before? As if Superman would allow himself to be manipulated like this! I mean, without first being mind-controlled or under a magic spell or poisoned by Joker toxins. Maybe revealing his identity will be Clark's idea and he'll give the scoop to Lois! Unless the Anonymous Tipster is Lois and then he'll probably never be friends with her ever again.

Clark allows himself to be manipulated by the Tipster one more time but that's before he had time to contact Batman and ask Batman to fix the problem. Clark is pissed at himself but there's not much that he can do since he currently has no powers. Once again, he really needs to stop using that stupid Solar Flare power. He's leaving himself (and the world!) completely vulnerable.

I guess Clark still has some of his powers left because he rescues the woman he just sold out to fake FBI kidnappers. But he winds up bleeding and in the back seat of Jimmy's car with the rescued girl and Lois Lane in the front seat because she's nosy and hungry. And things just get worse from there.

Superman is really getting fucking careless, isn't he?

Superman #41 Rating: No change. Well, it's not hard to see why Lois Lane figures out his secret identity so easily now. Why did she even need psychic powers to figure it out before? Clark treats his secret identity like most people treat their mortality. They'll act like it's something that must be protected at all costs but then they'll walk into traffic while texting on their phones expecting cars to stop simply because pedestrians have the right of way. The more Clark uses the Solar Flare power (which he really never has to use), the more he leaves himself helpless. The longer he's without powers, the more people he won't be able to save, or the greater chance somebody discovers his secret because he has no special powers to help maintain it. I would think Superman would consider his secret identity a luxury that he enjoyed but he would discard the moment it endangered anybody's life. He can't allow himself to be manipulated by somebody who knows his identity. So he should abandon it immediately. Or ask Batman how to devise a scheme to convince everybody that Clark Kent and Superman can't be the same person. Like, um, getting Martian Manhunter to disguise himself as Clark Kent and having him fall off of a building and be rescued by Superman. I have a feeling the whole Lois exposing Clark's identity thing might wind up being something they come up with together.