Outsiders #1 (January 2024)

Looks like DC mislabeled my Planetary comic.

Outsiders #1 (November 14, 2023)
By Jackson Lanzing, Collin Kelly, Robert Carey, Thomas Napolitano, and Valentina Taddeo
Cover by Roger Cruz and Adriano Lucas
Edited by Jessica Berbey and Ben Abernathy

Batman and the Outsiders was my first favorite comic book. So when my friend told me about the 2024 version of Outsiders which was actually a secret Planetary series, I was intrigued! The way he told me about it, I thought the reveal that the Outsiders were actually a new version of Planetary was some kind of mind-blowing surprise. And then I found the first issue and saw that it had three characters cosplaying Elijah Snow, Jakita (cos-cosplaying Batwoman), and The Drummer with the tagline "Unearthing the secrets of the DC Universe!", I realized it wasn't any kind of surprise at all! When I pulled this comic book out of the back-issue box, it slapped me in the face and kicked me in the balls screaming, "This is a Planetary comic book, you fucking loser!" And I was all, "Why loser?!" And it was all, "I don't know but you're buying comic books so I made an educated guess!" I don't know who the characters are cosplaying Elijah and The Drummer but I hope it's Black Lightning and Goth Halo.

The first issue even begins with an excerpt from an old, stained Planetary Guide (although it doesn't label it as such. I'm still working on the cover's big clue of 2/3 of the characters dressed like 2/3 of Planetary. And also that my friend told me the secret!). The Planetary Guide excerpts are presented alongside Kate Kane exploring the devastated country of Rhapastan (the country mentioned in the Planetary Guide as being like the most dangerous country in the world, partly thanks to American military intervention and Amanda Waller). She's not wearing her Batwoman mask although she's wearing the rest of the outfit and throwing female Batarangs at random black dudes.

The difference between a female Batarang and a Batarang is that you're only allowed one female Batarang per UK panel show.

The random Black dude is Luke Fox who, hopefully, finally found his dignity and dropped the whole stupid fucking Batwing shit.

I only knew Batwing from The New 52 so forgive me if Batwing actually had some kind of interesting arc previously which I've never explored. All I know is that he named himself after one of Batman's vehicles and decided to wear a derivative Bat-outfit that made him look fat. Did he come out of Batman, Inc.? I could do my own research but that would mean I've stopped living in a world where I never have to think about Batwing again. Although just by reading this, I'm coming precariously close to having to think about Batwing.

I know it seems like I just spent a paragraph thinking about Batwing but I assure you that was all just rote typing skills that involved very little brain activity.

Luke Fox seems to think Kate Kane is on a self-harm kick, possibly looking to suicide by A.R.G.U.S. What's up with Kate Kane? Every Batwoman story I've ever read just plays up how tragic her life is. Are people projecting their lesbian woes onto her? Are they all thinking, "If my dad were the literal embodiment of the Patriarchy and I were into diving muff, I'd be miserable too!" I think Kate Kane has the greatest life of any hero out there! Her sexy hot sister constantly trying to kill her? So good because it allows me to constantly see her sexy hot sister. And she often battles paranormal and supernatural antagonists which allows me to keep dreaming that her ultimate nemesis will someday be revealed to be a thicc, naked humanoid Chupacabra lady!

Luke Fox realizes that Kate Kane is fed up with Batman's idea of justice which is capturing the same villains over and over while doing massive amounts of property damage around Gotham which Wayne Enterprises profits from rebuilding. Luke agrees and he's sought out Kate to offer her a job as a research assistant.

Isn't cataloguing things "well beyond existence" just writing out a list of imaginary bullshit?

Maybe if Luke Fox had said they were researching and cataloguing things beyond what we know exists, I wouldn't be acting like such a petty bitch questioning the semantics of the way he phrased his pitch. But if he's cataloguing things well beyond existence, his list might as well be made up of things like "cotton candy made from unicorn semen" and "diarrhea hurricanes." Hmm, I'm not actually sure if those things exist and yet I'm not willing to search for them on the Internet either. I guess I'll have to be comfortable not knowing! Although I suspect there is cotton candy made from unicorn semen because there's definitely Magic Shell made from unicorn jizz.

It's delicious!

You know how you have to shake Magic Shell like you're auditioning for a Shake Weight commercial? I do that with the Unicorn Jizz flavor and loudly announce I'm jerking off the unicorn. Every time. I'm so crazy!

Kate Kane takes the job on the condition that it has nothing to do with Batman. Luke Fox is all, "Um, uh, yeah, sure! Exactly like I planned!" Then he cuts up the Batcredit card and cries for ten pages.

Immediately after saying this isn't a Batman thing, Luke Fox is all, "We're Outsiders!", which isn't all that reassuring to Kate. But I guess Batman was never an Outsider or else why would the comic book have been called Batman and the Outsiders? The only real history the Outsiders have with Batman is leaving his stick-up-the-ass ass! Which means taking the name Outsiders is actually triple-double reassuring to Kate! Sometimes I have to think through something I've read ten or twelve times before I figure out how I want to feel about it. That's probably better than most Americans since most Americans need to have somebody else think about something exactly zero times before telling them how they should feel about it. We're not a smart country!

Kate boards what I'm assuming isn't a Batwing and they fly to Antarctica to meet the Fourth Man. Yes, Luke calls Drummer the Fourth Man. You might be thinking that either I or Luke Fox can't count but that's because I left out the part where Lucius Fox calls in via Holly-vision to reveal that all the money is coming out of his account which he makes working at Wayne Tech which absolutely has nothing to do with Batman at all.

Drummer is the kind of woman I'd meet at a punk club and irritate her until she kicks my ass just so I can be touched by her.

Speaking of the kind of women I fall head over heels for, I had an odd experience just a few nights ago. I was watching Until Dawn and I was all, "I would murder all the puppies for you, Nina." At one point, Nina was walking toward the camera or something and I was all, "Man, I think I'm in love!" So then I waited until the credits to see who the actor was and her name was Odessa A'zion. When I was in high school, my huge crush that completely cockblocked me into seeing all the girls who actually were interested in me because I was so totally in love with her was named Odessa. So is that a thing?! Do names somehow influence our feelings towards people? Even when I didn't know that her name was Odessa while watching the movie?!

One more thing about the girls I had crushes on in junior high and high school. So I already mentioned Odessa. In junior high, my totally bonkers, out-of-my-mind crush was named Marilyn. Now I live off of Hawthorne in Portland and two of the fairly new (within the last ten years or something) upscale apartment complexes that have risen up between my place and my local comic book store are named The Odessa and The Marilyn. Come on! This is all so on-the-nose that you'd expect everything to be some kind of simulation but it's so fucking on-the-nose that nobody would program that much obviousness into the simulation which is proof that it's all random chaos and we simply see what we choose to see as we flounder about in it.

Kate Kane gets a briefing on the situation in Antarctica and the situation on Drummer which I'll let you read for yourself. Not because I don't want to make dumb jokes while explicating it but because I want you to see how fucking cute Kate looks in her Batwoman Snow Gear.

Is there a kind of old person cancer that makes you start falling in love with everybody? Because I think I might be dying.

It's a good thing I'm so taken with Kate's outfit so I don't complain about how Robert Carey apparently can't draw older women so he just makes Drummer look like a filthy lich and/or Mick Mars.

Oh! I should probably finish Drummer's thought since it takes place on an unnecessary splash page when you flip to the next page. She says all of that stuff they just went over gave them just two paltry bits of information: the object is fifty miles long and about to explode. Seems like a waste of a psychic.

Planetary, I mean Outsiders head inside the thing which seems unsafe being that every other person on their payroll who have ventured into the 50 mile long bomb have never come out again. It would seem like "I wear a costume and have a goofy name" shouldn't be absolute proof that you can survive walking into a possible Zone of Pure Annihilation but then I shouldn't complain because who needs four issues of Batwing and Batwoman tossing stuff into the alien vessel and seeing what happens.

This Drummer is way more hands on and capable than Planetary's Drummer who's really just a big coward who fucks TiVos. She uses her drumsticks to blow shit up so they can get past the defenses and into the heart of the vessel. Which nobody who has noticed all of the Planetary shit needs to be told what it is.

Of course it still needs to be said. Some people bought this book because it was called Outsiders so you have to assume they don't all know this is actually Planetary.

Batwoman and Batwing head off to check out the reactor while Drummer tours a bank of skeletons in display cases titled "Century Babies". Two of the five are labeled "Jenny Sparks" and "Axel Brass". I can't manage to read the other three signs. One might say "HARK". Now I'll probably turn the page and there will be close-ups of all the names, right?

It turns out the Carrier is just sad that all of its people are dead and it can't find its way back to the multiversal snowflake. It's stuck in the DC Universe and it's really fucking depressed about it. Batwing is all, "I know what that's like! Nobody fucking gives a shit about me either! Maybe we can find home together!" And Drummer smiles like she's found a guy she wants to fuck. And Batwoman looks over her shoulder to make sure Beth isn't about to murder her again. And then 18 hours later, we get the epilogue to the first issue.

Oh, also they saved all of their employees who The Carrier was just hugging really hard and refusing to let go. Plus that Planetary Guide shows its cover in the final panel. Drummer has a copy of it and she's poking around The Carrier and keeping secrets. She's probably Martian Manhunter, right?!

The Ranking!
It's a pretty interesting idea that I guess came about because DC wanted Planetary in their Universe but they didn't want all of the Wildstorm characters to go along with it? I really don't know anything about what was happening at DC around the time this was published. I'll probably hunt down the other issues just to see where it all goes.

Suicide Squad #15

Super-tits?

I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. The Republican Party just needs a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hillary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hillary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hillary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell! Suicide Squad? More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Suicide Squad #11

So nobody else is going to do it? It's up to me to tell John Romita Jr that he is a terrible artist? Fine.

• I was so happy when I realized John Romita Jr. wasn't on All Star Batman anymore that I forgot that would free him up to shit all over a different comic book. I guess Jim Lee finally remembered that art deadlines were a pain in the ass and he just went back to doing whatever the hell other crap he does at DC Comics. His main job right now is probably telling Warren Ellis all about how he has to hit his monthly deadline on The Wild Storm, the hypocrite.

• Based on the first page with Amanda Waller sitting in the shadows and drinking scotch, I'm going to theorize that John Romita Jr. does not know how to draw fat people. Which means Amanda gets to be skinny again, I guess. That's probably easier than somebody having to say to Romita, "I read your father's comics. I jerked off over his art. I played that stupid Scott Adams Incredible Hulk adventure game for his art. Johnny boy, you're no John Romita Sr!" I'm sure if anybody criticizes Romita's art, even if they're paying him and have a right to, he probably just mutters, "I fucking did Kick Ass. KICK ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! I don't need this shit!" Then enraged, he probably scribbles all over the art he was working on and the person criticizing him glances at it and thinks, "Hmm, better!"

• Suddenly Amanda Waller is really into chess analogies. Does she know she doesn't work for Checkmate?

• Apparently, Justice League vs. Suicide Squad isn't over. Now the Suicide Squad has to deal with an angry Rustam looking to get even with the Suicide Squad. That's disappointing. This was one of the few books that consistently had the team actively pursuing an agenda instead of just falling back on their heels and defending themselves from an outside attack. Although, in the end, don't all of these Suicide Squad stories simply amount to Amanda Waller manipulating a bunch of people to pursue her own needs? Like now! She'll use the Squad to protect her from Rustam.

• The Squad is currently in Tibet pursuing one of those agendas I mentioned they're constantly pursuing. I can't think of any reason they'd be in Tibet. Maybe they need Yak fur?

Why work on an interesting or convoluted plot when you can just break it down into its simplest component parts? Killing people for freedom! America!

• Look at Deadshot in that above panel. How the hell does he see out of the scope on that mask? Who has eyes placed that far on the outside of their face?! Has John Romita Jr. ever actually seen the face of a person?

• Everybody's costume is different. The pretend reason is that they're all wearing their Tibetan Attack Action Figure outfits. The real reason is almost certainly that John Romita Jr. decided he didn't need any reference pictures and maybe even threatened to quit if the editor didn't stop criticizing his work.

• As the Suicide Squad begins killing the bad guy bastards, one of them yells, "They've found us! Wipe the hard drive! Do it now!" I guess they're busting a Tibetan child pornography ring.

• Nobody is close enough to the computer to wipe the files. Seems like a mistake since yelling "They've found us!" suggests they knew somebody was looking for them. Luckily, the computer was built with a "Delete Hard drive?" section with two big buttons, Y and N. Although why would you need the N? The question and buttons would still be there waiting for somebody to press the Y! Unluckily, the guy trying to wipe the hard drive knows too much about the Suicide Squad for his own good.

I don't think the whole Task Force X philosophy is working. Everybody knows they work for the United States government. And even if they can't prove it, the results of Squad missions always seem to be advantageous to the United States.

• Harcourt is currently in charge of the Squad because Romita can't draw fat people.

• I don't know what has happened to Rob Williams but he's decided the Suicide Squad is a farce. Killer Croc is shyly admitting his love to Enchantress. Enchantress is spouting over-the-top semi-intelligent death metal lyrics. The souls in Katana's sword are dying to go shopping. And Harley is still acting in that trying too hard whimsical way to show that her insanity places her outside of fear. I don't mind if the Suicide Squad becomes a dark comedy. But this writing with the tongue firmly in the cheek is as terrible as Harley's solo comic book. I love a comic book that makes me laugh. But I abhor a comic book that tries to make me laugh and doesn't even come close.

• Meanwhile, Rustam blows one wall on Blackgate Penitentiary and all of the criminals go free. Serves Blackgate right for letting all of the inmates hang out in the outer courtyard of the prison at night.

• Even though Jim Lee isn't currently doing the art on this book, it's still split into two stories. The next story gets to focus more on Amanda Waller because Eddy Barrows is doing the pencils and he can sort of draw a slightly larger than skinny woman.

• The second story begins with Amanda telling her sad story to General Zod. Zod, for some reason, has been removed from his Phantom Zone Sphere. There will probably be plot reasons later that necessitated this change.

• This second story takes place after the first one. The Squad has been given a night off and they're spending it in New Orleans. Amanda decides to go join them.

"Been sat here." Rob Williams just outed himself as a Brit! Not that he was probably trying to hide it. But Flag would never say "been sat here"!

• Waller takes a walk down a dark alley and gets shot by some guy wielding two pistols. I guess she just got killed by Grifter. Does he still exist in this universe? Bah, it was probably somebody else. So I guess she's dead now. She totally seems like a good candidate for the first character to die and stay dead in the Suicide Squad. No tricks here!

The Ranking!
-1! The writing was not enjoyable and the art was terrible.

Detective Comics #946

Batman is now responsible for everybody he couldn't save.

The Review
At one point in this issue, Spoiler discusses her misgivings about being a superhero with a programmed bit of Clayface that looks and acts like Tim Drake. This is part of what she says:

I fucking hate this with all of my comic book loving heart.

I don't know exactly where the blame falls for comic books entering a modern era where everybody had to deconstruct what they mean or where writers decided to discuss real world consequences of having superheroes and super-villains. But whoever is to blame, they fucking broke the magic of superhero comic books. I'm not saying some remarkable stories didn't come out of that perspective. But it paved the way for lazy writers to merely write stories where the villains sole reason for existing was to defeat the bad guy. Sure, there was probably quite a bit of this previously but that was before the change in perspective of viewing heroes and the normal people around them as if they were real. It was a naive landscape where The Joker could go after the Batman simply for the sake of going after the Batman because he wasn't murdering thousands of residents of Gotham every time he attacked. No when The Joker attacks Gotham simply to punish Batman, the audience can't escape the question: would Gotham be safer without Batman? That's a question that should never have to be asked in comic books. We shouldn't be delving into the idea that superheroes cause more harm than good because at that moment, the entire reason for superheroes ceases to exist.

When you have story after story of a villain attacking Superman or Wonder Woman or The Flash or Batman or The Teen Titans simply because they have a vendetta against them, all collateral damage and innocent lives lost can, arguably, be blamed on the hero. Every time Superman is manipulated by a villain to do evil, Superman becomes a threat rather than an inspiration. Years of lazy writers who couldn't be bothered to come up with a criminal motivation for the super-villain and instead simply had the villain target the hero created the next generation of writers asking the question, "Why aren't more people angry that proximity to superheroes causes death and destruction?" Now heroes have to constantly be proving that they make things at least 51% safer than if they weren't there as opposed to what they once were: simply heroes that people were inspired by and whom people trusted and who fucking, quite simply, made the world a better place.

Fuck this bullshit that heroes are responsible for the death and destruction caused by villains. And here's the worst thing: I can't say that they aren't responsible! Of course the Teen Titans made New York an unsafe city because every fucking time the Fearsome Five or the Brotherhood of Evil or Deathstork showed up causing death and destruction it was because they were trying to kill the Teen Titans. Lazy comic book writers have made it so I can't enjoy a fucking Teen Titans book where Councilwoman Alderman is wrong to want them out of the city! She's a fucking asshole who is written to be an asshole and a villain but she's got a fucking point!. Give me back my heroic heroes who never allow themselves to be the reason for death and destruction. Make your fucking heroes heroic again, DC Comics.

What I'm saying is the heroes should never have to slow the fuck down long enough to ask themselves if what they're doing actually helps! Goddammit. It should be obvious. Make it obvious, you pricks.

Spoiler returns to the Bat-family after her philosophical musings with fake Red Robin. She stops them from sending the Victim Syndicate to the police after they've defeated them all because she has a few things to say about Batman and the world he's created. Oh boy. I can hardly fucking wait.

The Ranking!
No change! Batman still doesn't know exactly who the First Victim is but does it really matter to Batman? To him, the real First Victim, the one he couldn't save but always blames himself for, is his Mother. Definitely not his Father because his Father should have fucking saved his Mother, the creep.

Justice League #11

Oh boy. It's time for Bryan Hitch's take on the already told way too many times Amazo versus the Justice League story!

Amazo has the powers of the entire Justice League but has he ever used Aquaman's powers? Why would he need to? The League probably just assumes Amazo has Aquaman's powers for the sake of Aquaman's pride.

Superman: "Great Caesar's cow patties! Amazo is too fast utilizing Flash's speed!"
Wonder Woman: "And my punches can't get through his Green Lantern shielding!"
Batman: "Watch out for his Superman heat vision!"
Aquaman: "He's deflecting all the shrimp I throw at him with Wonder Woman's projectile deflection thing she does!"
Cyborg: "Oh, um, I hope he doesn't, um, you know, call forth some sharks or something with his Aquaman fish ta...."
The Flash: "Telekinesis! His sea creature telekinesis! He's tough enough without that super scary thing happening!"
Jessica Cruz: "What are you guys talking about? We're in Colorado! Who cares if he even has Aqua-powers!"
Simon Baz: "Yeah! I mean, why did we even bring Aquaman on this mission?"
Aquaman: *tears silently run down his face*

The best part about having Aquaman on the Justice League is when they go into space and the writer desperately searches for something he can add to the story so they usually have him communicate with the aliens because they have gills or fins on their heads or something. He's really just Justice League eye candy, isn't he?

The Justice League have been attacked in a neighborhood in Denver. Last issue, Batman mentioned they should probably take the fight elsewhere but do they even try? No. They just decide destroying the neighborhood and putting more people at risk as they fight to defend their lives is justified. They're as terrible as the Teen Titans.

This whole thing about collateral damage from super hero battles shouldn't even be a talking point. But because heroes no longer battle alien menaces or threats to the public safety and only seem to battle antagonists bent on destroying them, all collateral damage subsequently becomes the fault of the heroes simply existing. Why hasn't Batman created an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the pros and cons of the Justice League remaining in operation? I suppose he already has and just hit delete after realizing there was no way they were really protecting anybody. Superman alone should pull a Doctor Manhattan and just go live on Mars due to the multiple times he's been manipulated by super villains and threatened the world himself.

Why did bad writers have to make me so cynical of superhero comic books?! Fuck them all!

For one sweet second, I thought Maps Mizoguchi was working with the Justice League!

Yeah Flash! Evac the houses because the Justice League are about to set this fucking neighborhood on fire! No wonder Batman thought it was a logical when he believed a collateral damage victim had turned into a supervillain.

Scarecrow has decided to add a dance routine to his villainous monologue.

The guy in the background, James Palmer, knocks Scarecrow out with a baseball bat because he's afraid of losing his kids. Once Scarecrow is unconscious, his fear gas stops working and Batman comes to his senses. Unless Batman was just faking so James Palmer could find the hero within him! That's probably what was happening. I'd hate to think Bryan Hitch didn't know what he was doing.

While the Fearsome Five discover the Genie AI, The Flash has become The Midnighter. He's calculating odds and running scenarios and seeing patterns and figuring shit out because his brain works so fast. Barry decides the biggest threat is Major Disaster because he's forgotten that Amazo has shown up.

Probably?

The Flash decides to stop Major Disaster by knocking an unconscious Giganta on top of him. But if he still has his force field, it's not like that's going to put him out of commission. He can still think about making natural disasters while under Giganta's ass! Oh. I see. He's probably masturbating now. Good work, Flash!

Superman hasn't responded to help the Justice League because he's dealing with a Phantom Zone breakout. Apparently Genie did that too. Maybe Superman shouldn't keep the Phantom Zone attached to his wi-fi? Oh, you know what? It was probably hacked by the malicious code that was programmed onto photons and so invaded every single thing ever.

After a couple issues of fighting, the entire neighborhood is destroyed and not one villain is out of commission. Instead, they've got the Justice League and the Palmer family surrounded and they're ready to take Lily and her uPad with the Genie AI. Amazo has, frankly, not been a factor even though he was the big cliffhanger plot point at the end of the last issue. This is one of those situations where there's only one chance left!

This ten year old is as smart as Batman. Fuck you, DC Universe.

Lily hacks Amazo and turns him against the other villains, defeating them all instantly. So, um, Amazo is better with the Justice League's powers than the Justice League is? Batman awkwardly hides his sidekick boner while Alfred reacts to the "Sidekick Boner Alarm" he installed in Batman's underwear by preparing a speech to convince Batman that he's already put enough children in danger.

Alfred's speech had better be a doozy.

The Ranking!
-1! My favorite part of this story is how Lily, who really should know nothing about Amazo, comes up with a plan to hack Amazo at the same time Batman does. Isn't she just a precocious little precious ball of genius?! Apparently DC's favorite deus ex machina is young people. They can fucking do anything in the DC Universe! Fuck all that technobabble that used to be needed to explain away the science which saved the world. Now just introduce a teenager or pre-teen character who is labelled a genius and let them do whatever needs doing. Totally fucking believable and not overdone in any way at all. Just all around great character building!

Justice League #10

Batman about to punch the fuck out of that giant fist.

Why is this story called "Outbreak"? It has yet to feature one diseased monkey who spreads the virus all over the...oh. Oh shit, Hitch. That's fucking racist, dude.

It seemed like the story was winding down last issue because Batman figured out the source of the virus and it was just some guy named James Palmer whose wife was killed in the Kindred's attack on Earth. Thankfully, she was the only victim of that attack or else the Justice League would be battling hundreds or thousands of angry widows and widowers. But since he's just some hacker, I would have thought the Justice League showing up at his door to arrest him would be the end of the story. Since it wasn't, I figured this issue would be about the Justice League apologizing to him and getting him to see things from their point of view and hopefully arresting him anyway and calling child services to remove the kids from the house. But since this cover shows a giant fist trying to crush the shit out of the Justice League, it looks like James Palmer isn't going down that easy. He also goes by the nickname Jesse James (or James Jesse?) so maybe he's the Rebirthed Trickster. Or Team Rocket.

James Palmer acts like he doesn't know what's going on so maybe this whole widower's revenge thing has been a red herring. Maybe somebody just stole his code and used him as a patsy to get even with the Justice League. Maybe James Palmer should be throwing his daughter under the bus because she probably stole her father's code and manipulated it to destroy the Justice League using her iPad! I mean her uSphere! uPad? I know it seems implausible (like, you know, the rest of the story) but DC loves its super genius young people! Typically, young people are running around smoking to show off in front of their peers and finger banging each other in the snack bar at the roller rink. But not in the DC Universe! Here they're solving unsolvable math problems and building impossible technology in their basements!

If it does turn out James Palmer didn't release the malicious code into the world on photons, then he definitely was jerking off to violent porn in the garage.

Need somebody to gossip? How about an unflattering drawing of some women?

James Palmer asks the Justice League why they're visiting him and none of them say, "We just wanted to offer our condolences and apologize (even though we shouldn't have to) for not being able to save your wife. I mean, we saved over six billion people so, mathematically, we saved 100% of the people on Earth, you know?" Instead, Batman says, "We were attacked and we're not going to stand for it!"

James Palmer admits that he was going to engage in cyber-crime and steal from LexCorps and Wayne Industries so he'd have money to help the victims of the Kindred attack. Wonder Woman is all, "He's telling the truth. Just look at him. You think this jerk could have programmed photons? No fucking way. We're looking for somebody from Apocalypse! Probably."

Half of the Justice League is truly perplexed that James Palmer isn't angry at the Justice League for the death of his wife. They really have a skewed perception of the world, thanks to terrible writers. Hell, even generally good writers fall for that bullshit. Check out the ending of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl #1 for some really stupid blaming the hero bullshit.

I guess Lily isn't into being finger banged down at the roller rink.

I bet the more Lily talked about her genius, the bigger Batman's sidekick boner grew.

I don't want a program like Genie. I want a site where you simply enter in the object you want and it mysteriously gets delivered to your house, no questions asked. I'd call it Monkey's Paw and nothing could possibly go wrong at all!

The Genie App was on Lily's uPad and being used by her little brother because it was his only friend. Has this story just been some kind of Freudian parable? James Palmer is the superego, Lily is the ego, and Bobby is the id? The Genie App is the body acting out the wishes of the subconscious which causes a lot of trouble since it's acting out on the id's wishes. Not that the id knows what it's asking Genie to do, of course. It's just hurt and angry and overriding the social mores of the superego and the common sense of the ego. And Lily obviously stole the code from her father due to her raging penis envy.

Genie is still playing the game so somebody needs to teach it Tic Tac Toe before it sends Amazo or the Shaggy Man to destroy them all.

Instead of just hacking some of Professor Ivo's robots, Genie offers the combined fortunes of Luthor and Wayne to any villain that can destroy the Justice League. Most villains know they can't destroy the Justice League but the dumber ones will probably respond to this challenge. At least the ones that aren't in jail after having responded to Two-Face's challenge to kill just Batman for a ton of money.

Double Down attacks first which is super exciting because who? I mean, I remember, vaguely, making fun of his name in some previous comic book. I think he pulls cards out of his skin or something just as gross. Next up is Giganta which means this neighborhood is fucked. That's what happens when superheroes come to your neighborhood in the DC Universe. They simply make it more dangerous! They're like guns. They offer the illusion of safety but are rarely needed and actually just increase the chances of somebody getting hurt or killed.

Giganta is knocked down and the Justice League begin fighting the new assailants from the safety of her crotch.

The villains who are willing to throw their freedom away for the chance at 750 billion dollars are Double Down, Giganta, Count Vertigo, Gizmo, Plastique, Girder, Psimon, Coldsnap and Heatstroke, Jinx, Mammoth, Major Disaster, and Shimmer. I suppose I could have shortened part of that list by just saying The Fearsome Five and part of the Masters of Disaster.

Batman takes the family inside the house to keep them safe and promptly fails because the Scarecrow was waiting inside for them. How the Scarecrow got here so quickly, I can only guess. Maybe he has a Scarecrow Plane called The Raven? Or the Fear Jet? Oh, and that whole list of villains I mentioned who received a double splash page to make things seem exciting and tense? They're defeated off-panel immediately because there's only one page left and the real threat needs to be introduced for the next issue: Amazo!

This neighborhood is fucked. It looks like there will be more civilians looking to get revenge on the Justice League soon!

The Ranking
No change. On the page opposite the Amazo reveal is an advert for the Rebirth Justice League trade by Bryan Hitch. The first review blurb by IGN says, "Some really thrilling artwork that establishes incredible scope and danger." You know what that's code for: "We couldn't think of anything positive to say about Bryan Hitch's terrible writing but the art is well done!" And since the art is by Tony S. Daniel, I imagine "establishes incredible scope and danger" is actually code for "two or three huge double splash pages!"

Detective Comics #945

I can't tell if this is going to be a Killer Croc issue or that face is just another member of the Victim Syndicate!

This issue begins with Batman trying to find out what the First Victim said to Spoiler. But Spoiler just points out that if Batman unmasks, nobody will be hurt by the Victim Syndicate. Oh, okay. Is that where we are? We're giving in to terrorist threats now? Because that always works so well! Batman is the answer to terrorist threats! Just like in the first episode of the first season of Black Mirror, nobody should be discussing giving in to the demands no matter what is being threatened! Like when a corporation threatens to move its business out of the country unless it gets a tax break, you can't give in or else it becomes a pattern of behavior that other corporations will exploit! I don't even have children and I understand how this shit works! If you give the stupid bastard a cookie because it won't eat dinner otherwise, it's always going to expect a fucking cookie! And if the kid is smart, the cookie demands will escalate!

Although now that I mentioned Black Mirror, I really wish the First Victim had demanded to see Batman fuck a pig.

Steph points out that the First Victim just wanted to make sure Spoiler was okay. Because they didn't really want to hurt her or anybody else for that matter. They're the good guys here! Anybody they hurt is because of Batman. It's because Batman won't do what they want. How dare Batman not view the world in the way that they view the world and take responsibility for being the terrible person they say he is! What a gross, disgusting, problematic jerko!

In other news, Steph has now been groomed by the Victim Syndicate and she's ready to join the movement! Probably.

Batman just drives around Gotham City in his Batmobile like he's going out on errands. I wonder what insurance company he uses? Does he even need insurance? I bet avoiding tickets from speed cameras, parking tickets, and damages from hit and run accidents are the main reason he has a secret identity. Why bother with insurance when nobody can find you?

Batman begins trying to figure out who The First Victim might be by going over all of the people hurt during his escapades. But so many people have been hurt, he can't remember them all! Unless he can't remember them because the Dionesium that cured his brain also cured his guilt over the victims who he couldn't save. But also, why would Batman want to unmask the First Victim? That seems hypocritical! If he won't unmask, shouldn't he let the First Victim's identity remain secret too?

All of the Batkids are about to have psych evaluations to make sure they're fit for the team. I imagine they only have to score higher than Batman scored on his psych evaluation, right? Do people get scores on these things or is it just a pass/fail kind of thing?

Not a lot of action taking place in this issue as the Bat-Team wait for the Victim Syndicate to attack again. While they're waiting around, everybody contemplates their psychological problems. Batman is guilty and feeling responsible for the collateral damage that takes place when he tries to stop villains from killing and hurting people. Spoiler avoids talking about Tim Drake's death. Clayface deals with his lack of morality caused by using his powers. And Batwoman is having the mother of all Daddy Issues. Kate is also super annoyed that Luke Fox doesn't seem to have any problems. But then she doesn't know about his sister who was fucked up by Ratcatcher. Unless it was something different caused by somebody else!

Meanwhile, The First Victim pays a visit to Thompkins Free Clinic. I hope Jean-Paul Valley gets killed! I've been waiting for that day for so long!

I'm so sick of Batman having to deal with teenagers who think they've got everything figured out!

I don't understand this whole thing about "everybody else's expense." When did Batman become the guy ruining everybody else's lives? If you don't want to work with him because he always lies and has an agenda (an terrible agenda to keep people as safe as possible!), maybe don't work with him! He's not thinking of himself when he takes in young people to try to focus their grief and anger at the world into something positive. If he were thinking of himself, he'd ditch them all. Who needs the headache?! He's not thinking of himself and feeling better by sacrificing his own possibility for a life of happiness just to feel better about himself! Although Spoiler's words might be hitting home a little bit since possibly the only reason Batman took in Tim Drake was to feel better. Because Tim was really the only stable kid who didn't actually need Batman's care and guidance. So why take him in? Probably because it made Batman feel good. So the one selfish act Batman has taken in the past decade or more resulted in Tim's death. That only proves that Batman needs to stop pursuing "feeling better" and get back to kicking the asses of assholes who want to make everybody feel worse.

The Review
No change. Even though technically this feels like an old school Detective Comics book, as I've been saying, it also has signs of bringing Batman closer to the 21st Century. I can feel James Tynion bringing the next generation's beliefs and ideals into the heart of this book. Some of it is super annoying because it's still just young people thinking they know the way of the world while really just being typical young people. But also, it just kind of goes about its business with fitting into a modern sensibility. I mean, sometimes it calls attention to itself like when the word "they" was typed in bold type when Dr. Thompkins references The First Victim, just so, you know, you realize she's using the correct pronoun for describing a person whose gender is unknown. But overall, I don't find myself rolling my eyes at anything other than the way teenagers act. Fucking Spoiler is really getting on my nerves! I don't care if she's mourning! She's making me like Jean-Paul Valley by comparison!

Here's a picture of me with my niece because I look like a fucking superhero here! This must have been taken with some kind of filter!

Detective Comics #944

Batman lurks in the baths of every citizen of Gotham.

Do you think it would be appropriate to write a sequel to The Diary of Anne Frank? Just asking for a friend! A really insensitive friend!

This issue begins with Harper Row revealing that she's into hover cars. I don't mean she wants to work on them and build them and drive them. Not unless all of those things are euphemisms for fucking! Then I totally meant that! Would that mean she's autosexual? That's probably a confusing term! I mean, I'm autosexual and it has nothing to do with cars!

Luke Fox's Me! Me! Me! Gala has gone tits up and sideways! I should probably have described it in some other fashion because now I have a boner.

The Victim Syndicate have attacked because they feel that's the best way to tell Gotham City that Batman isn't wanted anymore. He's a danger to the city and if people don't turn against him, they're going to be a danger to the City! And Batman will probably defeat them, proving that he's not a danger to the city at all but a help! I don't think they thought their plan through very well.

Since Luke Fox is Batwing, Batwing is going to help beat up the Victim Syndicate.

For fuck's sake. Just give everybody super powers because I'm sick of geniuses who can build any ridiculous gadget the writer can think of and the artist can draw. That's not how genius and technology works! If it were, my toaster would be a ray gun that transforms into a motorcycle slash dick sucking machine.

Also at the Gala are Renee Montoya and Harvey Bullock. Renee decides she should act like a cop and stop these jokers while Harvey decides they should wait around for Batman, maybe? But Renee pulls two of the craziest revolvers out of her ass and walks right up to the leader of the Victim Syndicate. You know how people do when they're wielding guns because they seem to think they work like knives and should be used by putting yourself within striking distance of the person you're trying to subdue with them.

I meant it literally when I said she pulled them out of her ass. Where else could she have been keeping them? Oh! I know! Her vagina!

Apparently those goofy guns are part of the new technology Luke Fox was trying to sell to the Gotham police at this gala. So this is actually some kind of Tupperware Party for weapons? That means Renee must have scooped up the display models. No way those will actually fire, right? If they do then I've got to think Luke Fox staged this attack to sell more guns! Of course he'd want to put Batman out of business. Batman doesn't buy his weapons from anywhere but Wayne Enterprises! Foxtech's only way to compete is to convince the police force that they need new fancy weapons like Batman's!

Batman arrives but finds he can't punch the leader of the Victim Syndicate. That's the guy's genius idea to defeating Batman. He created a suit that keeps Batman from punching him and, thus, Batman can't win! Because how does Batman defeat somebody he can't punch? I mean aside from the way he defeated Hugo Strange two issues ago when he couldn't punch him. Never mind that. Forget that story. This is new and interesting and not recycled from a story two months ago!

The leader of the Victim Syndicate introduces two of his cohorts, Mr. Noxious and The Mute. Mr. Noxious makes people sick by calling them gross and disgusting. And The Mute makes everybody shut up and listen. I'm starting to suspect that the leader's name might be Tumblr. Although I hope it's just Mister Victim! The Blame would also be acceptable!

Oh! I know who the leader is! It's Councilwoman Alderman from Marv Wolman's 80s New Teen Titans!

The two other people who remember Councilwoman Alderman will probably agree with me!

Batman decides that The Blame's deal isn't to his liking so he punches The Blame in the face instead. I'm not sure that was the best response. I mean, The Blame did challenge Batman to punch him by telling Batman that Batman would never be able to punch him! But The Blame also basically said that punching was all Batman could do, so does Batman really want to prove The Blame right? Also, The Blame's unpunchable suit was taken offline by Batwing because remember how Batwing can do fucking anything because he's so Goddamned smart? I can't wait until he's removed from the DCU by Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) too!

I suppose if I had to choose between Tim Drake and Luke Fox, I'll take Luke Fox every day of the week except Friday which is a day I refuse to make any decisions. But it's a little bit annoying that Tim Drake can be replaced so easily. I'm pretty sure Luke Fox could die horribly on the next page and Batman could still fill the position on his squad of Young Technological Genius. Just using characters currently in this story, he could still fill the slot with Harper Row!

Batman takes a huge gamble knocking out The Blame. After all, he did see how Mr. Noxious filled Spoiler with poison in the space of a few seconds seemingly by thought alone. Should he really risk the lives of everybody in the room? Oh wait! It's Batman! He probably instantly figured out how Mr. Noxious's powers work and then pulled some kind of gadget out of his bat-belt which negated them. Or he instantly threw dozens of tiny Batarangs with vaccines in them that inoculated everybody in the room against every disease known to the medical community! That one sounds like the most implausible and the coolest, so that's probably what he did.

The Orphan kicks Mr. Noxious in the back of the head, causing him to faceplant into the floor and probably lose most of his front teeth. Now he'll be an even better poster boy for the Victim Syndicate! "'Batman musht be shtopped!' says Mr. Baby Talk Noxious! Join the Revolution today!"

Even if she did talk, how is The Mute's muting power supposed to help in a physical confrontation?!

The short woman in the sunhat on the Victim Syndicate is named Mudface. Apparently Clayface ruined her life and she thought, "I know! I'll take on a name similar to his but worse!"

The Blame reveals that he or she was the first innocent victim whose life Batman ruined. So I guess The Blame actually goes by the name The First Victim? Is this that author who was dying of cancer who blamed the Justice League for the death of his family who died in Darkseid's attack? Or maybe it's the kid who was turned into Magog by Circe because he blamed heroes for not saving his family? I suppose it could also be Glorious Godfrey! I suppose it could also be Dick Grayson, right?

Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands paralyzes Batman by injecting him with something that Batman isn't immune to for some reason. I thought he always planned ahead! At least it doesn't paralyze his diaphragm so that he suffocates standing in the middle of the room unable to move. Although how is he still standing if he's unable to move? I guess it's the rigid Bat-armor! After injecting Batman, Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands has another trick up her wrist gadget!

How does Edwina know what the police are feeling?

Does it really make sense that Luke Fox littered the gala with operable versions of his new technology? Isn't that something that should have been tested in the safety and privacy of a police training center? And anyway, who cares if the police begin shooting the guns off like crazy people?! They're non-lethal technology, right? That's the whole point!

So the next page confirms that the police shot up the place like lunatics simply because they suddenly had no fear. It's weird because fear usually makes people do stupid things! But in this case, not being afraid made them do something stupid! Nobody is harmed though because Luke Fox's weapons only fired rubber bullets. I guess they can fire real bullets too if needed. They're like Star Trek phasers with different settings.

Later at The Belfry, Luke explains how he thinks the entire night was a win and Batman gets suspicious because the only real winner was Foxtech! They probably just sold a shitload of Smart Guns! Batman probably just heard WayneTech's stock fall through the floor.

Batwoman, Batman, and Batwing discuss the members of the Victim Syndicate so that the next time they appear, I'll know what to call them all. None of the other members of the team are invited to this debrief. I guess it's only for the members with Bat in their names.

The Mute was a victim of The Joker's toxin. So, obviously Batman is to blame. Madame Crow, aka Edwina Hypodermic Needle Hands, was experimented on by The Scarecrow. Again, obviously Batman's fault. Mr. Noxious was poisoned by Poison Ivy. Again, Batman. And Mudface we already know about. All totally Batman's fault for existing. Also totally the writers of Batman's fault for being lazy and writing so many stories where the only reason the criminals were up to no good was to defeat Batman. I've always been vocal about my dislike of superhero stories where the villain's sole purpose is to destroy the hero. It's why I have such a strong dislike of Marv Wolfman's 80s New Teen Titans. But what I hate even more than that are stories like this that are a reaction to that. Now people hurt by villains actually have a reason to blame the heroes because the villains do nothing but try to kill heroes. Heroes in the DC Universe apparently only exist to get beaten up by villains who dislike them for some reason. The reason has long since passed "the hero keeps stopping them from committing crime" because no villain in the DC Universe ever tries to commit crime anymore. They do one of two things: try to kill the hero or try to take over and/or destroy the Omniverse. Nobody robs a fucking bank anymore. Probably because that's boring!

Later, as Leslie Thompkins scolds Batman for putting children in danger but doesn't do anything about it, The First Victim visits Spoiler. I guess Spoiler is about to take on the name The Last Victim!

The Review!
-1 Ranking! I think I made my feelings clear in the commentary section! While I sort of like the vibe of this comic because it just feels like classic Detective Comic stuff, I'm annoyed by the entire premise. Enough with the victims of supervillain attacks becoming supervillains themselves because they blame the heroes. And what that means is enough with DC superheroes only existing to protect themselves from supervillains! They have no purpose and no need to exist if all they are doing is fending off attacks by people who want them dead. They're now in the Second Wave of those attacks where people who almost died because of the people who want the heroes dead now want the heroes dead! It's all getting a bit too meta for me!

Justice League #7

I wish Superman wasn't in the way. I want to see who is fucking Cyborg from behind.

Currently, the Justice League believe they have saved the world. But whatever they think they've saved the world from seems to have infected the world. I don't think it's Red Dawn yet even though everybody is getting angry because this story is called "State of Anger" and not "Red Dawn." Calling it "Red Dawn" would have been a total giveaway. Everybody is so angry for no reason that last issue ended with Superman pushing himself away from his family's dinner table and declaring, "I have to go kill The Batman now!" It's a good thing Batman doesn't trust any of the other Justice League members and most likely has all of their domiciles bugged! Now he'll probably be waiting in the Batcave in his Anti-Superman Suit with the Red Sun Brass Knuckles and the Kryptonite Strap-on.

Apparently Batman is too busy dealing with his Survivor's Guilt to hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarm going off like crazy behind him. How is it that Bruce Wayne spent years traveling around the world becoming proficient in every kind of fighting style, learning every kind of crime scene investigation technique, and studying every bullshit mystical mental technique but never went to a therapist to deal with the trauma of surviving that night in the alley and watching his parents die? Now he thinks he's responsible for every death on the planet because why should he, The Batman, live when other people die?! How fair is that?! Also, he spent dozens of years training to stop death and he still hasn't defeated it! What a failure.

Bruce does end his pity party by thinking "My punishment is coming," so maybe he did hear the "Superman is Finally Coming to Kill You" alarms going off like crazy behind him. And immediately after he thinks that, Superman crashes through the Batcave wall and begins to strangle Bruce. Geez, Superman! Once again, you're proving Batman's point that you're way too dangerous to be allowed to live. How many times is Batman going to allow you to be manipulated by some villain before he just puts you down? You can only use the excuse "He usually doesn't bite!" four or five times after your dog mauls four or five children before you're forced to put it down. Maybe even just one time! Or none even!

Why would Superman think Batman would suddenly be responsible for his family if Clark died? And where did all this anger come from?! Did something happen between Lois and Bruce that demands a flashback?! A really detailed flashback?!

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman and Aquaman are having a strange conversation on a beach as they pull a sunken aircraft carrier out of the ocean. Aquaman is all, "I could destroy the world if I wanted too!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Me too! I could totally do it!" And Aquaman is all, "One more fish fucking joke and they'll see!" And Wonder Woman is all, "One more comment about somebody 'wondering' what's under my skirt, and they'll see!" I wish they'd both say, at the same time, "And fuck that Batman!"

Wonder Woman and Aquaman conclude that, since they're royalty, it's their right to take over the world and force them to be less violent. The only problem is that Aquaman and Wonder Woman are never going to agree on how the world should be run after they take it over. Didn't they read Flashpoint?

Because Cyborg and Simon Baz are part of the Justice League, the story wastes a few pages on what they're going through too. It's not worth talking about. I mean, Cyborg is as boring as vanilla ice cream. And Simon Baz is as boring as a container of vanilla ice cream that barely has anything but frost left in it that your stupid sibling put it back in the freezer and you later took it out because you wanted some ice cream and saw it was empty and then didn't even really care because, enh, vanilla!

Back at the exciting fight between Superman and Batman, Batman tells Superman that he wants him to kill him. That's when Superman stops killing Batman because Batman is always telling Superman what to do and Superman is sick of it. He screams in frustration and then they both sit down to figure out why they're flipping the fuck out. But first, nobody's checked in on Barry and Jess's date!

It seems to be going fine.

The Justice League is being ruled by their fear now because some disembodied voice keeps whispering in their ears and infecting them with fear and paranoia. They're all just dealing with their fears differently. But while most of the League are just shutting down because their fears are personal, Aquaman and Wonder Woman are going to take over the world because they have a fear of trusting people. That's probably going to put the Justice League in a terrible place after this story is over. It's okay to sort of let them do their thing when they're saving the world from weird space threats and godlike existential horrors hellbent on using the Earth to destroy existence. But when they decide to save the world from itself by forcing nations to do what they want? That's way out of line! I can't see how Aquaman and Wonder Woman aren't going to be hunted down as supervillains after this story. I guess Batman can just call a press conference and explain it all away. "Sorry! Sorry! We all just had some bad oysters! We're cool now!"

Jessica manages to drive the Fear Thing away because she's a Green Lantern and Barry reminds her that being a Green Lantern is about overcoming great fear. He learned that from Hal Jordan who could never stop reminding everybody about how good he was at overcoming fear. But after the Fear Thing is gone, Jessica points out that they're all going to have to live with what just happened because the Fear Thing didn't implant those fears in them; they were already there! So this story was more like the Buffy musical episode, "Once More With Feeling," than I even suspected when mentioning it last commentary. They've all exposed their fears to each other and to the world and now everything is going to be super awkward!

Jessica decides to quit the League because who needs two Green Lanterns in the Justice League? That's just overkill! They've got their own comic book for that kind of mass Green Lantern action.

The Ranking!
-1! I don't give a shit about these stories where the writer is all, "Aha! I've got a way to make the heroes look more human by exposing their secret fears!" It's not even really a shortcut to character building. What it feels like to me is how when somebody makes a subtle joke where the humor is in the subtlety and then somebody decides to repeat the joke but in a blatant way and that person thinks they're the one who came up with the joke? I hate that shit. This is that shit.

Justice League #6

The men all look disgusted while Diana and Jessica look somewhat intrigued. Are they facing off against naked, erect Despero?

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with a Fear Monster attacking Earth. Only one member of the Justice League is not afraid: Jessica Cruz. It's because she spent so much of her life being afraid that she's immune to being afraid now! Except that she isn't. She still suffers from anxiety. But that's a different kind of fear! I'd much rather fight for my life against a tiger than spend a holiday around people I've never met before. Besides, I'm pretty sure I could take a tiger! I think you just have to grab it by the toe, right?

• Oh, Simon Baz is also not quite as afraid as the other Justice League members. So it's less about Jess having built up a gigantic callous on her brain when it comes to fear of legitimate varieties (I don't mean certain fears aren't real feelings. But, really, if you're afraid of moths, you know that's not a fear with actual consequences. Moths aren't going to hurt you. Unless you're deathly allergic to them and they can send you into anaphylactic shock by accidentally bumping against your face in a chaotic manner) and more about Green Lanterns being chosen because they can overcome great fear. Although why is Batman being such a coward?! Doesn't he know some sort of Tibetan mind trick to overcome terror?

• The Justice League defeat the fear by holding hands and being brave. It would have been more interesting if they'd done it in song like how Buffy and the Scooby Gang did. Since this was the opening scene of an ongoing story, does that mean the bulk of the story will be how the Justice League have to now walk alone in fear?

• After the battle, The Flash puts his arm around Jess and tells her she did a good job. Jess's response is, "Barry, want to fuck?"

We get it, Barry. You eat pussy and asshole.

• Remember how in The Revenge of the Nerds, the nerd wins the girl by eating her out when she thinks it's her boyfriend performing the oral sex? What kind of message is that for young nerdy men?! If you can somehow get yourself in a position to lick a woman's private parts, no matter how deceitfully, she'll be so grateful that she won't slap you in the face and possibly kick your ass and probably not press charges afterward because then she'd have to endure a system which would be all, "You're just ashamed you fucked a nerd, right?" Besides, the real ending of the movie should have had the nerd going down on the woman and her reaction being, "What the fuck are you doing down there?! Ow. OW! What the hell?! Get away from me!"

• Another message from the end of that movie is that you'd have to be a desperate social outcast and major loser to put your face anywhere near a woman's vagina. Apparently the good looking guys have so many women falling all over their cocks that they don't have to worry about pleasuring any of them. I guess that's just a metaphor for how much they care about the women they're dating. Although what's the metaphor for how much you care for a woman when you trick them into oral sex?

• Cyborg and Simon Baz go off to hang out with each other while Aquaman needs "help" with "something". Batman heads off alone even though he wants to hang out with Superman. But Superman has a stupid family who is expecting him back from saving the world before dinner gets cold.

Brian Cunningham and his crew fixed the location of the farm from "Metropolis" to "Upstate from Metropolis." But they didn't fix the really egregious error. It's not the fucking Kent Farm! It's the Smith Farm!

• I'm not so sure the "Upstate From Metropolis" bit is actually a fix anyway. If Metropolis was New York, it would be fine. But according to the map in Death of Hawkman, Metropolis is about as upstate as you can get in Delaware. I mean, it actually looks like it's in Virginia in the Death of Hawkman #1 but I think they were trying to map it out as New York City in New York, Gotham in New Jersey, and Metropolis in Delaware.

• I just asked Lord Google about "upstate Delaware" and one of the Lord's leads was to a Wikipedia disambiguation page which reads: "The term upstate may refer to the northerly portions of several U.S. states. It also can refer to parts of states that have a higher elevation, away from sea level. These regions tend to be rural; an exception is Delaware." Ha ha!

• Barry gets to the restaurant and his date with Jessica thirteen minutes early. That's odd. Isn't Barry always late for everything? That's the joke! He's got superspeed but he's still always late! Maybe he's only late to dates with Iris because he doesn't really give a shit about her.

• Barry rushes off to get flowers and returns with a bouquet of stems. I guess the Speed Force has something against protecting flowers while Barry is running with them. I bet if Alan Moore or Warren Ellis took over this book, they'd remember this bit and use it as a plot point!

• I didn't realize Batman was being more needy and standoffish than usual because, you know, he's Batman. But I guess he's still mourning Tim Drake's loss. Oh, come on! It was just Tim Drake! It's not like he lost somebody interesting or entertaining!

• Jessica flips the fuck out on her date because Barry begins acting like a jerk and he touches her hand. Sheesh! I'd expect that kind of reaction from Guy Gardner but not from Barry Allen! Hand touching? Ugh! The nerve!

• At the Kent Farm over dinner, Lois and Clark begin snapping at each other after which Clark declares he's going to kill Batman. Hmm. I'm sensing that maybe the Justice League didn't completely destroy the Fear Monster!

The Ranking!
+0! I would have liked to see a date between Barry and Jessica that didn't end up in a chaotic kerfuffle but in a more handjobby, fingerbangy kerfuffle.

Detective Comics #940

Emo Tim is off to college!

The Commentary!
• Some people may have been thinking Detective Comics was now a comic book where Batman gets to interact with fan favorite members of the Bat-Family who haven't had much time to shine during The New 52. Some people may have even thought it was about Batman working through his control issues to let Batwoman run things her own way. It's even possible this could have been a comic book about how Clayface redeems himself and winds up rekindling his acting career and winning an Oscar. But it isn't actually about any of those things. It's not even about something new. It's just more of the same old DC Universe same old.

Am I the only person in the universe who hasn't based my entire life on the approval of my father?!

• Tim is battling hundreds of armed drones all by himself. Batman is so panicked that he actually asks Nightwing to contact Midnighter for help! Why would Batman even acknowledge the better version of himself?! He's better off pretending he's never heard of him. When you know somebody exists who is better at doing the thing you do, the only way to seem like you're actually better is to pretend you've never heard of the person! Batman just ruined his only method of getting one over on Midnighter! I guess he loves Tim that much. No, wait. I think he doesn't believe in Tim's abilities that much!

• Tim manages to defeat the first wave of drones but not without suffering serious injuries to the everything. So now he sees the second wave approaching and he just gives up. He's all, "Tell everybody I loved them! Except Damian! Fuck that piece of shit! ROBIN OUT, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

• Batman looks around to make sure nobody is around him before he yells, "TIM!" Batman should be more like Deathstroke and then he'd never have to worry about exposing the secret identity of his superhero children. I mean, if you don't even realize that your son's name is Joseph then you never have to worry about using his real name in public! Although it is weird when he's trying to have a tender moment with Joseph and Slade keeps calling him Jericho. But that was the latest version of The New 52 Deathstork! Since the Rebirth, he seems to know his kids' names again.

• Tim says goodbye to Stephanie and a bunch of fans who have invested a bunch of emotion in this fake relationship have feelings. I just yawn and stuff another Oreo into my mouth. It's good to be dead inside!

Is the death of yet another Robin still a shock? Dick is now the only one who never died, right?

• I don't remember seeing a lot of outrage on the Internet about Tim Drake's death so this must be a hologram or something.

• Batman is all, "Bring Jacob Kane to me! He'll pay for the death of another Robin that isn't in any way my fault at all for creating a dangerous environment to bring young kids into! Alfred, get the Bat-testicle peelers ready!"

• Batwoman is all, "But we don't kill, Batman! We only involve ourselves in the part of justice before the sentencing! This goes against everything we believe!" And Batman is all, "Oh, he'll get his day in court! But his testicles will have to go in a Glad sandwich bag to keep from completely unraveling! Also he might die of secondary infections but those won't be my fault at all. That's like his own fault for not caring for his wounds properly."

• Batman creepily waits for Spoiler in her unlit room and surprises her when she climbs through the window weeping. Batman is all, "Tim died a hero just like I always wanted him to do!" And Spoiler is all, "Read this, asshole!" And Batman reads a letter from a university that accepted Tim into their genius grant program. Batman drops the letter shocked and thinks, "Why would Tim take this grant away from a student who needs the help?! I could have paid his tuition and this spot could have been left open for some genius in need!" At least, that's what I think he thinks since he just looks shocked and drops the letter. I can't imagine he was thinking anything else!

• After that, Spoiler and Batman hug which is the hardest part of this story to read so far. Batman hugging is fucking awkward.

• Tim Drake finds himself in Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s Who's Who Zoo next to the Doomsday exhibit. Apparently the bad guys who totally aren't the editors at DC Comics, you guys, decided that Tim and Spoiler getting back in a relationship wasn't good for The Watchmen's sour universe full of grim and grit and realism and laughs that aren't actually laughs but existentialist realizations that nothing matters. I wonder if he's in the same cell Jason Todd must have been in for decades!

Ranking: -1!

Detective Comics #939

Tim stole this move from Dick.

The Review!
First off, I want to get one thing straight: I didn't cry almost immediately while reading this comic book. That is a slanderous misconception of what actually happened. And even if I was crying (which I wasn't), Kate Kane said it was okay to cry if I wanted to! Although who made her the arbiter of allowance?! Bruce didn't need her permission and he didn't seem to have the same old fashioned ideas about crying as I expressed when I lied about crying because I was ashamed of having done it. He's just out there in the front row at the funeral letting the tears flow! Giving him permission is simply putting voice to the concern that people think men shouldn't cry which could possibly humiliate Bruce when he wasn't thinking about that aspect of his sadness at all!

I assume Bruce is crying because he has so much money now and that's a heavy responsibility.

Anyway, that's how this comic chooses to begin: depressing the fuck out of me! How dare it show a child at his parents' funeral when I'm 44 years old and my parents are both still alive! The lucky little bastard.

After the funeral, the comic book returns to the present which is the real story people want to read about because it's the part of the story with Stephanie Brown and Cassandra Cain who people really like for some reason.

Jeez. You depend on Superman one time and now he's on speed dial!

What is Batman's "Black Line"? Does that connect him to the Dakotaverse? Or is it a secret connection to one of the DCU's five hundred black ops organizations? Or maybe it's just Jason Blood's home number. You never know when you're going to need a demon fighting by your side.

Tim plans on going off to university after the battle with The Colony is over but he doesn't want to tell Batman yet because Batman loves acting hurt and disappointed when his kids don't choose to do exactly what he wants them to do. Hopefully Tim remembers how he kept something secret from Batman the next time Batman reveals something he's been keeping secret from Tim. Although I doubt Tim will because one thing characters in comic books who aren't Batman never fail to do is pout when they find somebody was keeping something from them, even if it were for a good reason. And speaking of people keeping things from other people, Batwoman tells Batman that if she's going to work with him, he has to stop lying to her. He agrees just like he always agrees with everybody who says that to him which is always just a lie! But they buy it and he gets some good work out of them for a bit until they get their feelings hurt by him again and they storm off into their own comic books series. But they have to admit that justice always prevails when pursued the Batman Way! The Batman Way is just a lot of lying, skulking in shadows, and breaking bones.

Alfred gets the Black Line ready and connects it for Batman.

And I thought my Dakotaverse line might be insensitive! Who seriously calls their phone line directly to President Obama "The Black Line"?! I suppose my first two guesses as to what it was were sort of correct. Kind of. In a way.

Bat-School learns about The Colony's Machine Gun Drones coming to murder six hundred innocent people so Batwoman declares it's time for another field trip. The assignment: nobody dies in Gotham tonight! I wonder who is going to be assigned all of the hospitals and old folks' homes?

Jacob Kane believes the League of Shadows has a bunch of sleeper agents within his list of six hundred potential terrorists. Batman doesn't believe in the League of Shadows because Batman forgot that he also didn't believe in The Court of Owls. I suppose he also doesn't remember eating all of that crow when it turned out the Court of Owls existed and he wasn't really prepared for their celebration, The Night of the Talons. Well, he's soon going to discover that he's two for two on being completely wrong about secret organizations within Gotham. Maybe he's not as Gotham as he thinks he is.

The drones are headed to Spoiler's section of Gotham so Tim Drake reprograms the drones to hunt him instead of a bunch of innocent people who are all around Spoiler and might get her killed. Sigh. He's so romantic!

And that's it! It seemed a bit light on story since most of the story was just the threat of imminent drones and who would be on the other end of the Black Line and how much Batman lies to everyone. I sort of wish the funeral scene had gone on longer because that was the best bit. The final page has Tim Drake surrounded by hundreds of Machine Gun Drones with just a staff to protect himself so I'm predicting he's killed next issue. Or at least turned into a vampire!

Detective Comics #938

"Batman With Two Nobodies", Rafael Albuquerque. 2016.

The Review!
This feels like the usual Detective Comics that I've grown to not read for the last thirty years. It just never did it for me and I only picked it up if a story featured a villain I particularly liked. But I guess right now, it's the only comic book on the shelves that has Stephanie Brown fucking Tim Drake. Not in as much detail as the thousands of pages of fanfic you can find online. And not nearly as creepy or horrible as the written sex scenes in people's role play blogs. I shouldn't judge! I'm fairly certain I once masturbated to the Land O'Lakes butter logo. And not after somebody had turned her knees into tits. Just to the regular logo. It was easier than you might think because I was really turned on by that dirty whore Mrs. Butterworth watching.

Now I'm hungry for waffles!

The Commentary!
Here's all I've learned about writing on the Internet for twenty years: a facetious, whimsical person on the internet is exactly like being a known pedophile in prison. I mean, I haven't been shivved in the shower and kicked until all my ribs were broken before having my skull fractured by a club made out of the metal edge of a cot. But metaphorically, I've experienced it! Maybe I'm being too facetious and whimsical in my hyperbole by choosing that metaphor! Maybe it's a little more like poking a wasp's net with a tape recorder that says "Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown are nobodies!" until I'm covered in wasps that can't actually sting but can manage to vocalize the phrase "Kill yourself!" It's my own fault, really! I should know that having a silly laugh over the status of a fictional character is apparently equitable to telling a real life person to end their existence. It's completely deserved! I mean, I could have not captioned the cover the way I did! I had that choice! And by choosing to crack myself up and go with that caption, I must be choosing to be inundated with vitriol and hate! Logic!

No, seriously! That wasn't sarcastic! I totally get the logic of the Internet. No matter what my intent in writing this, or who I might imagine I'm speaking to (generally nobody in particular, but quite often to Doom Bunny because he's the one I've been trying to make laugh since the beginning (even if he rarely reads the blog anymore because he has kids and drinks)), choosing to put it on the Internet turns it into a dialogue. It's a weird kind of dialogue though because I'm an individual speaking in general terms about things I might feel or, as in most cases, don't feel but find funny for some reason or another. But individuals reading something I've written see themselves as the target audience and can be personally offended by something I've written. Obviously it's not personal because I wasn't directing anything at them. But this is how things works. And when they respond, it's absolutely personal because they know they are responding to an individual. So when I say "All dog owners can go jump in a lake!", a dog owner reading this might respond with "Oh yeah, Tess? Why don't YOU go jump in a lake!" See how it works? My statement wasn't a personal attack on any individual dog owner. It was just a general statement caused by something I may have been feeling earlier, like fear when a big ass growling dog came running up to me and the owner was yelling, "Don't worry! He doesn't bite!" You know who I know won't bite me? A fucking dog in your control on a leash not able to get anywhere near me, you asshole. So now I've expressed something to the world in general terms but which certain individuals might consider is directed at them. Like, you know, people who own dogs. But when they tell me to jump in a lake, that's hurtful! Because it's a personal expression of animosity toward an individual! So cruel!

Although if you do take offense at my statement even after the explanation of why I think dog owners should jump in a lake then maybe it is directed at you because you're being awfully defensive. Are you the type of asshole that lets their dog run around off-leash and then half-heartedly calls it's name when it runs off to bug a stranger? So, in a way, when you lash back out at me, I just sit back and smile and think, "Oh look! I just said somebody was an asshole for doing a certain thing and you were upset by that. Which means you must do that thing and, therefore, are an asshole!" Logic!

Although what I'm really trying to say is don't be mean to me no matter how mean I am to anybody else because I can't take it and will probably abandon this blog completely at the first sign of animosity and hate.

So, um, anyway, I think I'll get my tender feelings under control and begin reading this comic book that totally won't make me cry because every time Spoiler is on-panel, I won't be sobbing, "I'm sorry I called you a nobody! Nobody deserves to be called a nobody! Logic!"

Last issue ended during the present so this one, obviously, begins many years ago. Jacob Kane gets some good news and bad news. The good news is he'll be taking on more responsibility in the military by being part of the secret military! The bad news is that he'll never again be promoted or have a raise or any public acknowledgment that he's doing anything except languishing at the rank of Colonel. So everybody in his life is going to think he's a lazy, unambitious good-for-nothing waste of space. Congratulations!

Man, I never needed some authority figure to tell me to be those things! I'm doing them all on my own!

Actually, Jacob Kane learns about The Court of Owls years before Batman does, and also the League of Shadows (who are just the Court of Owls but more dangerous and less into birds).

Also many years ago, Kate Kane promises her father, while standing on her mother's grave, to be a part of her father's team.

Now it's the present and Kate is stomping all over her promise to her father and her father's heart and pissing all over Gabrielle Kane's grave. Metaphorically, of course! I think you need higher than a Teen Plus Rating to show a female peeing on a grave. Although I know you can get away with a guy peeing in a Teen Comic but it must be in an alley with a little blue man watching. So sexist!

Batman was about to get his head blown off at the end of the last issue but Kate and the Batkids saved his ass. Now they're battling the entire Army of Batmen for some reason. Can't they just send a cease and desist? Just threaten Colonel Kane with legal action. That would actually be the best because then Batman could have all of the Wayne and Kane money!

During the escape, Tim Drake runs into Odysseus so they can measure brains. They're both completely unrealistic brains so it's hard to determine which one is bigger. Basically either smarty-pants can do whatever they need to do with electronics or machines, so I think it's a tie. Odysseus escapes by dropping through a concealed trapdoor, exactly the same fashion Kate and the Bat-kids escaped the attack on their base. Does that mean they're exactly the same amount of smart or does that mean Tim loses because he should have seen that coming? I think Tim loses but then I just want to think of Tim as a loser. He's not that smart! And I'm not that envious!

Anyway, Batman, Kate, and the Bat-kids escape, of course. Cassandra does some genius ass kicking, Spoiler does some genius thing to save Red Robin, Red Robin does some genius thing to save them all, Clayface somehow makes more mass than he actually has, and Kate tells her dad to fuck off. I don't think Batman did anything. He was the princess being rescued in this story.

Before escaping, Batman learned that Colonel Kane's Army of Batmen was created to wipe out members of the League of Shadows and that Colonel Kane was operating without the government's knowledge. Well, maybe the government that is thirteen levels of security higher than the regular government knew. But Batman is certain the League of Shadows is a myth and that Kane is going to kill a bunch of innocent people. But how is Batman so sure? He was also fairly certain the Court of Owls wasn't real too! So he's kind of on a 100% never being right about secret societies streak.

Odysseus has built some drones that are mostly machine guns and they're going to go kill all of the suspected terrorists next issue. Hopefully Batman can throw enough batarangs to stop them all. Or maybe he'll just remember The Flash's phone number and ask for a favor.

Cyborg #12

Wasn't this the cover to Issue #11?

The Review!
I'm assuming this is the last issue because it said "The End." at the end and also I'm eating cake. You've got to celebrate the little things. And the things that are a little bigger than even the little things like not having to read this comic book anymore. I'm fairly certain it's dried up my levels of serotonin. Which might also be the reason for eating all of that cake. As for the actual review of this issue, it was a structurally sound comic book where the good guy defeats the bad guys while also showing empathy, compassion, and muscles. But it suffers from poor editing, especially at the end when the world is destroyed. Or should have been destroyed. Maybe the world is saved by bad editing because the editor didn't go, "Hey, Marv? Are you sure you wrote this ending correctly? I think the world would collapse into a black hole the way you've written it." But since the editor didn't say that, the world lived! Hooray for bad editing failing to catch bad writing! Or something?

The Commentary!
Just as Cyborg's twenty-four hours in a test tube are coming to an end, STAR Labs suffers a break-in by a super couple. Their outfits are like space suits or scuba gear and their skin is pale, so I'm guessing they're somehow sick. I bet they're love sick! They're probably lovers whose super powers won't allow them to do it and so they've come to STAR Labs for a cure! Their names are probably Rome and Jules. Cyborg just got done learning a lesson about jumping to conclusions last issue so let's see if he applies it to this situation! Maybe these two aren't breaking into STAR Labs? It must be the Fourth of July weekend because nobody seems to be around to answer the door so the two just snuck in using their powers. Maybe the lesson Cyborg learned last issue was that when he suspects somebody is a villain, he'd better make damn sure they're white so he doesn't feel guilty later.

If a reader couldn't tell the two lovers were white people, they mention their names are Parker and Autumn. Autumn accidentally kills the one guard on duty so now Cyborg is really going to think they're bad guys! Because bad guys kill people! Although they are white, so he probably won't rat them out to the FBI and ruin their lives until he's sure that they killed the guard with malice, intent, and forethought. I bet Afrooz and her fiance's life is more ruined than these kids' lives will be and they killed somebody.

Sure. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe the covers of Issue #11 and Issue #12 were similar for a reason! They're supposed to make the reader think they're basically the same issue. But in one, Cyborg sees an Afghani Muslim and instantly blames her for everything that is going on and reports her to the FBI to put on their Terrorist Watch List and completely ruins her life while she's just sitting around minding her own business. But in this issue, two young white kids break into STAR Labs, kill a guard, and assault Cyborg but he still thinks he can talk them out of trouble and send them back to being good little white citizens. Why is Marv Wolfman making Cyborg the face of racist authoritarian thought?! It seems like a fishy message to me!

Because Cyborg is willing to talk to these two criminals, he learns that they've simply come to STAR Labs to steal something. But in a good way! They're dying and the something was built by their father and STAR Labs killed their mother and, hey, Cyborg, did you notice they're skin tone? I'd say they deserve the benefit of the doubt and lots and lots of second chances, wouldn't you?!

Cyborg listens to the kids' story which has something to do with how lax security is for the Red Room but I'm not concentrating very well because I kept thinking, "This brother and sister are lovers? Gross!"

Cyborg learns that the kids just want to live normal white lives where nothing sad ever happens. But instead they have a disease that's killing them which is totally not fair at all. Cyborg is all, "Yeah! I totally get that! I also have lived an unfair life full of non-fairness! I mean, I was a high school football star and my parents were rich scientists and all the cheerleaders dug me. But then I was killed and I was all, 'Oh man! This sucks! Life is the worst!' So I totally get where you're coming from and I will totally help you and not once think of turning you into the FBI because I understand that you are individuals with an individual problem and do not represent all of the evil ever."

Sarah Charles and Silas Stone burst into the room after Cyborg administered an experimental cure to Autumn. Sarah is all, "Why weren't you responding to my texts?! You should be instantly responding to my texts! I just gave you a nineteen hour hand-job and you have the nerve to not respond to my fucking texts immediately?!" And Silas is all, "Oh, and by the way, these kids murdered a guard so maybe you should think about the other side of the coin of prejudice, privilege, you dumb skunk." It's at this point that everybody panics and a fight breaks out.

During the fight, Cyborg learns a lesson.

When Cyborg says "Maybe he could've preserved more of what I was," he means his penis.

Cyborg's father's love is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt when they learn that the criminals' father's cure has actually turned them into potential human black holes.

To contain the black hole, Autumn makes an impenetrable cocoon around Parker. I might accept that Autumn could make a strong enough cocoon to contain a small black hole created inside of a human being except for one small issue: Autumn is the one turning into a black hole. So, you know, whoops! World over! Everything sucked into Autumn as she encased her brother/lover! But at least Cyborg and his father have cleared up a few Daddy Issues. Except now that his Daddy Issues don't exist, neither does this comic book! It ends because Cyborg has nothing more to work through! And that's that for Cyborg! Except for the final surprise ending twist!

Oh my god! So tense and drama-like!