New Super-man #10

Mmm! A savory Hostess Meat Pie!

The Review!
This issue begins with an unforgivable continuity error!

Snakepit attacked Clark Kent! People aren't supposed to remember that Clark Kent is Superman!

Okay, maybe this is forgivable and maybe it also isn't an error. Perhaps this takes place before Superman Reborn. Or perhaps Snakepit just doesn't keep up on the news so he still thinks Clark Kent and Superman are the same person (which they are but he's supposed to not think that anymore thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk!). Also, who really fucking cares? I totally don't! That hole in my wall was already there from a different time I became really angry at a comic book. This time I didn't get angry at all.

On an unrelated note, how do you tell if you've broken your knuckles?

Kenan is really impressed by Superman's heat vision. He'd better hope he gets heat vision since he only gets one super power that relates to his eyes. It's either heat vision or x-ray vision. Oh wait. Kenan probably would rather have x-ray vision. For heroic reasons, of course.

Kenan opens Lex's Door to Hell again because Kenan is lazy and stupid. He thinks it'll give him super powers but instead all it gives him is loads of demons. Better loads of demons than demon loads! Brozingo!

Brozingo is what I say when I make a funny joke for the masses. It's a totally original exclamation!

Superman is all, "I'm sort of quoting Indiana Jones!" And Kenan is all, "I'm not!" Then they fight loads of demons.

Lex Luthor is dragged to Hell and Superman totally smirks a bit. I saw it! But Master I-Ching dives into Hell to rescue Lex, probably because there's a good chance he'll get a reward. It's the only reason I ever do anything for the greater good. The first thing I think is, "Will making the world a better place for people other than me grant me something in return?" If the answer is possibly yes, I'll do the thing and then tell everybody how I was totally paying it forward and now if somebody wants to pay their forwardness forward toward me, that would be cool. Because that's how it works, right?

I hate people who use the phrase "Pay it forward." I guess the only reason to do something kind is in the hopes that you will start some kind of movement of kindness. Which is sort of judgmental and sucky because it's almost like you're obligating the person you did something nice for into having to do something nice as well. At some point, the paying it forward will have to end. At that point, does everybody get angry at the selfish jerk who didn't do something kind after having something kind done unto them?

I like to pay it forward with insults. You call somebody an asshole and then you know they're going to be so angry that they'll call somebody else an asshole later! Ha ha! It's like playing anger dominoes.

Master I-Ching drives away the demons and saves Lex but they become trapped in Hell when Dinner Party closes the doors behind them. It's proper etiquette! Lex Luthor doesn't mind because it gives him some time to speak with Skeleton In The Closet Superman.

The China White Triad flee the scene leaving Superman, The Fla-sh, and New Super-man to locate the Ox-Head and Horse-Face Hell Rings so they can open the door to Hell and rescue Master I-Ching.

That totally makes sense because X-Ray Vision is mainly used to give a person super boners which are located in the thigh region.

Once the doors are reopened, Kong Kenan meets Ox-Head and Horse-Face themselves! They kick out the humans, take back the demons, and return the rings to Hell so nobody can bother them again. But before they do that, Kenan asks them about his parents. They tell him his parents have not arrived in the afterlife. Shocking twist! I mean, at least for his mother. His father was shown earlier being held in a Bacta Tank in the Ministry of Self-Reliance's secret lab.

After the battle, Lex kicks Kenan out of his building without even giving Master I-Ching a reward. If only Lex could find somebody who loves him!

Superman tells New Super-man that he's going to need his help when Crisis!: Who Causes The Crises? takes place. Then New Super-man goes back to China taking The Fla-sh along. China is going to have the best Justice League ever! And also the cutest. Although they won't be truly great unless they can get themselves a Lo-Bo.

The epilogue reveals that Ching Lung is actually Master I-Ching in disguise! He's up to no good while also being up to good! Can he do that?!

The Ranking!
+1! If you're not reading this comic book, I don't care. Do whatever you want with your life!

New Super-man #5

MAGA!

Whenever I see those stupid red "Make America Great Again" hats, Starro is all I think of. I suppose Starro's overwhelming power kept it from needing to evolve into a mind-controlling creature who hides the fact that the people are mind-controlled. But it's good for everybody else because the enemy proclaims its identity loud and clear. Why hasn't somebody shown Starro Invasion of the Body Snatchers? I suppose it would be rude to show Starro there's a better way when there's really nothing it can do about it. Unless maybe Starro could tell its spores to hide up the asses of its victims instead of clinging to their faces. Sort of the same thing Trump Supporters should do with those hats.

You've probably never wondered why conservative voters are constantly telling entertainers to shut up about their politics because it just seems like the kind of thing conservative voters love to shout at anybody anyway. But I sympathize with them. Creative people are more entertaining. And people in the arts are generally more intelligent and empathetic. The Venn Diagram collision of intelligence and empathy can nearly guarantee the person will be a Libtard. I mean liberal. Conservative voters still want to be entertained. Nobody wants to sit around bored and angry all the time! They need some hearty American Yucks and Patriotic Tears! So they want to be ignorant of the political positions of the people whose performances they enjoy. They don't want to have to log in to Twitter to tell them all to shut up and just tell jokes, or shut up and just act, or shut up about politics, you stupid entertainer (not you, of course, Mr. Trump!). But every time one of these Hollywood types open their big fat mouths, sense and sympathy fall out! It's fucking enraging!

There are people who have stopped reading this Blog because of my opinions, all across the spectrum. Because some people can't abide anybody having one strong opinion that differs from their own, especially when it's presented as the only right and logical opinion and you must be a completely fucking stupid bastard to not see that. Which, of course, is my modus operandi. But I've said this almost from the beginning: this Blog isn't about comic books, and it's not for you. Enjoy or go fuck yourself. What do I care?

To be perfectly transparent, I sometimes choose the go fuck yourself route myself. Who doesn't love a good self-fuck every now and then? Monsters, probably!

This issue begins in The Bund in Shanghai, China. Oh! I have a cute picture from when I was there!

Don't worry! Global warming from air pollution isn't a problem! Everything will be okay when seeing a blue sky is a rare occurrence. This was the sky every day in Eastern China and Hong Kong. And this was from 1997.

The comic book shows The Bund at night where you can see stars. When they erupt out of their submarine to discuss books with the people, The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom even comment on how "mesmerizing" the stars are. Ha! As if.

The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom have stolen Starro from the Ministry of Self-Reliance (I know, I know. So ironic that they'd have Starro!) and they're planning on using it against the communist regime who won't let them read The Cave of Time in its original English. All they get is the Chinese Translation with the Government Approved Endings!

Kenan has just walked in on his father wearing his Flying Dragon Father costume and now he has questions up the proverbial wazoo. Is the wazoo actually proverbial? Do things have to have been mentioned in The Book of Proverbs to be proverbial? What is a proverb anyway? Like a combination verb and pronoun?

Flying Dragon Father tells his origin story to his son because he wants Kenan to fight for the correct side. The correct side is obviously the one against China's governmental interests. Those fucking Communists are evil. Not because they're Communists, of course. Capitalists are fucking evil too! The common factor there is the part where the people who come to power by whatever means one comes to power in whatever economic or political system exists in the country they were raised tend to be ambitious, selfish, greedy assholes. The kind of people who would rule well don't crave the kinds of power, status, and money that comes with ruling. So they never wind up in power. Go figure, right?!

Flying Dragon Father met Kenan's mother in the early college incarnation of The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom. They have their Harry Met Sally relationship that eventually leads to Kenan.

I wish she'd become the Leather Liberty Goddess.

Flying Dragon Father reveals the big shock twist: the Ministry of Self-Reliance killed Kenan's mother! Okay, so it wasn't as shocking as you might have thought by my calling it a big shock twist and using an exclamation point. But if you're familiar with my blog then you know exclamation points mean nothing! It's like I'm a rich kid just burning money if money were exclamation points and they made people wealthy.

Now Kenan has a decision to make. Does he continue to fight for the Ministry of Self-Reliance or become a mole for the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom? Or does he go his own way and forge his own path which will probably lead to Laney Lan's bedroom and some kinky ass roleplay.

Kenan chooses to go off with his father to help the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom. Bat-man and Wonder-Woman also head to The Bund to try to stop the Book Club. Also joining the fray? The Great Ten! You might remember one of them, August General in Iron. If you remember any of the other nine, you get a cookie. But not my cookie.

Even Book Clubs of Ultimate Freedom have to deal with power-mad narcissists who insist on ruining everything by thinking the end justifies the means.

Uncle Human Firecracker actually says, "Whatever it takes for the greater good." See? Total dickmonster. Mmm, dickmonster.

Both Kenan and Flying Dragon Father aren't too happy about Uncle Human Firecracker's methods and decide it might be time to stop him. Isn't this always the way with book clubs? They always fall apart due to infighting.

I just realized why I like Kenan so much. He's a total Huck Finn.

I like to assume that I can say something like "he's a total Huck Finn" and people will completely understand what I mean. While I believe the literary canon really needs to be expanded to include more voices of non-white males, I still think it's usefulness in writing shorthand to others is beyond compare. The literary canon should never shrink, it should just grow bigger and bigger. Sure it's more work for those who want to understand everything anybody ever writes. But fuck is it useful. I'm not religious but you'd better believe I've read The Bible because without that foundation, you're not fully accessing a majority of Western Literature. If the Ultimate Literary Canon of Freedom is expanded enough, people will be expected to also know The Koran and the Bhagavad Gita and, um, the other ones that are probably important to people who didn't grow up with a white, Western education.

Uncle Human Firecracker somehow does something to remove Kenan's powers. He probably had some of those miniature red suns in his glove. Kenan almost drowns but Flying Dragon Father rescues him and takes him to the Ministry of Self-Reliance to be healed. So people's loyalties are becoming a bit fuzzy due to other loyalties.

Meanwhile, Uncle Human Firecracker shoves a bunch of Starro-captured motherfuckers onto a plane. He's going to fly it into Beijing and the seat of Communist power so that he can mind-control them all into becoming a democracy. Sounds about right. But! On the plane is Lixin, the fat kid whose lunch money Kenan used to steal! He's not supposed to be there but his parents own the airline and he's trying to make a Youtube video or something in the cockpit. I guess he's going to have to be the hero on the hijacked plane! Always bet on fat!

Super-man doesn't get his powers back even with a blast of yellow sun radiation. It looks like he lost his powers when he felt his dad was disappointed in him. So his powers fluctuate based on his esteem? That's actually a good thing for Kenan! Mostly, he's as cocky and arrogant as I am.

Heh heh. Compliance devices.

Super-man and Flying Dragon Father rush off to stop the plane. I guess Kenan's powers will come back now that he knows his father is proud of him. I hope Lixin becomes his pal! Does Lixin mean "Jimmy Olsen" in Chinese?

What Did We Learn?
Being confident is where real power comes from! You know that's true because it's what all the Men's Rights Advocates say! I think they're basic rule is to be confident even when you know you're a disgusting piece of shit that no woman in their right mind would ever touch. The worst part about this advice is that it's right. Being confident is attractive! The problem is faking confidence simply to get laid. If you need to get laid and you want confidence, pay a sex worker (preferably in someplace where it's legal because it should all be legal and by participating in places where it isn't legal, you're just encouraging illegal sex work which endangers women). They'll tell you how big your cock is and how good you are at the penetrations! Even if you blow your load too early, they won't act disappointed and upset and become bitter and resentful that you're not seeing to their needs. Although thinking you're good at sex when you're not might be harmful to your relationships in the long run. But at least getting laid might keep you from going on the Internet and getting involved with these MRA jerks.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book is the best! Or close to the best! Don't challenge me! What I say here doesn't have to match up with what's over there on the sidebar in the Rankings. Especially if you're reading this on Blogger since I never fucking update the list on that site.

New Super-man #4

The Chinese Freedom Fighters remind me I need to get my hilarious and totally revolutionary Book Club up and running!

Doom Bunny and I are going to start a Book Club for people who think they're smart! We're going to read the most smarterest books the book store will let us purchase and then pretend we understand them! Mostly Doom Bunny will be all, "Um, duh, uh, Smart Thing I Read About the Book Online!" And then I'll be, "Was Chapter One a metaphor about having itchy testicles?" I think we'll start easy with Edward Packard's The Cave of Time. Although we might get into a heated argument about the meaning of the book if we arrive at different endings. Book Clubs are so complicated!

Until I choose to pick up an actual book and read it, I'll continue reading these funny books I have stacked all over my office. You would think I wouldn't have so many huge stacks of unread comic books because they're so easy to read. Half the time, I just look at the pictures and make up what's going on anyway. I should do more of that just to clear up the stack. Looking around my office, I have a huge stack of unread Ms. Marvel and Daredevil comic books, a huge stack of new DC Comics books, a huge stack of Xena comic books, a couple of variations on The Bible (King James, humongous fancy tome handed down from my grandparents, Boomer), three fat books comprising The Book of a Thousand Nights and a Night, four volumes of collected Secret Six stories, a stack of Fortean Times magazines, a stack of Dragon magazines, a nerd-load of D&D Modules, Charlie Brown's Super Book of Questions and Answers (which probably answers many of the questions incorrectly since it's so old), and a box of Trivial Pursuit cards. That's the edited list of shit stacked around my office! I left out the lunch boxes (Sailor Moon, The Rescuers, Disney, Battlestar Galactica) and Xbox games and boxed RPGs and old PC CDs and a tin of Yu-Gi-Oh cards and my Batman and Robin cosplay Cabbage Patch Kids and my cat, Pelafina, staring at me! I mean, I left them out until that last sentence! Then I included them! Also there's a Cheshire Cat teapot staring at me with an "I just farted" grin on its face. No wait. That's the regular grin that people describe as "Cheshire".

I really did leave out a lot of stuff though! This office is a mess! If you're picturing a normal-sized room at this point, you should correct your mental picturing attempt. It's actually no bigger than a standard walk-in closet with a pitched ceiling which makes it impossible to stand up in if I'm not flat up against the east wall!

I just remembered! This is supposed to be a review of New Super-man and not a review of my office space! I suppose I could change the title of this entry to "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Office Space" but then who would bother reading it aside from perverts who get off on reading about office decor? And even they might be disappointed! Instead, I'll just start discussing New Super-man, one of my favorite Rebirth titles (if not my absolute favorite because, as I would say if I were one of the millions of entirely too boring jerks on the Internet, Kong Kenan is my spirit animal! Oh my God. I think I just caused several of my own organs to fail by typing that! I'm so distraught and humiliated. How do people say that seriously?! What is wrong with people that they can't come up with their own ways to say or describe things? Why is everything a reblog of something somebody else said or a gif somebody else made where people just attach "ME" or "THIS" or...Hey! I just came up with an idea for a shitty bumper sticker (redundant!): "I fucked your Spirit Animal!" It will go great with my other Bumper Sticker that didn't sell too well: "I fucked your Honor Roll Student!" I don't know why that one never took off. Or the version of the bumper sticker family members where each one has a huge erection. How am I not rich?

So, um, anyway, like the cover of this comic book states, The Justice League of China were busy battling The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom last issue. It continues this issue because Gene Luen Yang understands how comic books work and how they tell a story across multiple issues. What I'm saying is Gene Luen Yang is not Scott Lobdell.

This is why New Super-man is better than old Superman. I don't want old Superman to feel joy when he beats up a villain. But I like to read characters with sadistic and bullying tendencies! Representation matters!

I just got to the page with the title and the credits and now have a confession to make (or re-make, as is the probable case): the name, Richard Friend, still makes me laugh out loud.

New Super-man has to be reminded by Chinese Wonder-Woman that the Justice League of China doesn't kill. I think she's just saying that in case any Western spy satellites are tuning in. I'm fairly certain the Justice League of China doesn't really care too much about human rights. How could they truly represent China if they didn't feel the same exact way as their host country?!

I don't really know that much about China's human rights issues and policies. But they must be bad, right? I mean, Communists! Communists are the most terrible monsters on the planet after Dracula and Ghidorah. Unless they're American Communists standing up to the brutality of Free Market Capitalism that isn't really about Free Markets at all but about manipulating the government into creating a market that favors your business and destroys actual free market competition. I'm pretty sure I'm pro-American Communists. But then, America makes everything better! Except health care. And standards of living. And intellectual debate about everything. But we are definitely #1 at putting up our index finger and chanting about how great we are!

I wish Batman got this kind of enjoyment from his job.

Flying Dragon General tries to convince his son that The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom is battling a war against an organization called the Ministry of Self-Reliance. You know a Ministry named that is bad news! They could have just as well named it Ayn Rand's Ministry of Justifying Selfish Practices! Speaking of Ayn Rand, Rush's "Free Will" came up on my shuffle last night. I had never really thought much about what the "kindness that can kill" choice was in the chorus until I learned that Neil Peart was early influenced by the writings of Ayn Rand. At that point, the lyric made terrible, terrible sense!

A few of The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom have been kidnapped by the Ministry of Self-Reliance and Flying Dragon General is trying to find them. New Super-man knows where they are! He works for the Ministry himself! How is Flying Dragon Father going to treat Kenan over dinner later? "Son, will you pass the chick...WHERE ARE MY COMPATRIOTS, YOU VILE SEX-MONKEY?!" That's an insult in Chinese, right?

The fight ends with Flying Dragon Father getting away on his robot horse, Shecky. I guess that means in the search for his two comrades taken by the Ministry, he just lost another comrade: Blue Condom. I'm not sure what happened to Ghost Girl. She probably dematerialized.

Meanwhile at the Ministry of Self-Reliance's base of operations, O-word Pearl Tower, Laney Lan is doing some Lois Lane style risky investigating! She's not only snooping around for clues; she's breaking and entering! That's totally right out of Lois Lane's "How to Earn a Pulitzer Without Being Arrested or Killed" Playbook. But Laney Lan doesn't have a Get Out Jail Free Card connection with New Super-man yet so she might be in big trouble.

Oh, it turns out Ghost Woman was also captured. So The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom really fucked up because I don't think you can have a Book Club with just one member not in prison. I suppose the Book Club can continue in prison!

This is their first meeting with Doctor Omen after realizing she knows they all snuck out.

Doctor Omen has decided to feed Laney Lan a story about The Justice League of China that will make them seem like a good idea for the people of China as opposed to a bad idea for the people of China (which they must be if they're angering Book Clubs all around the country). Her plan is to let Laney interview herself along with Kenan and the others. If not for the part where she's allowing Kenan to go on air and answer questions, it sounds like a solid tactic to manipulate the press.

Meanwhile in Crab Shell Prison, Ghost Woman vomits up Folding Paper Man. I would be so disappointed if I were Folding Paper Man and she chose to hide me in that orifice! Although if she kept me in any of the others, I would totally be Unfolding Paper Man, if you get my drift! My drift is my paper erection!

Folding Paper Man kills a guard in the most vile way imaginable (unless you can imagine worse things than death by paper cuts (which I imagine you can because, let's face it, rape is a thing)) and the Great Crab Shell Escape is on! They begin breaking out all of The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom members who have been captured over the years. One of them is named Human Firecracker and he's Kenan's uncle! Probably. I only say "probably" because I don't want people reading this to think, "Tess is so fucking arrogant that I had to use the word 'fucking' like a fucking monster to describe how arrogant Tess is!" I want people to think, "Wow! That Tess is a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader who is always ten steps ahead of everybody else reading these comic books but Tess is still so humble as to pretend to possibly be wrong sometimes!"

The Human Firecracker points out how they can't leave the prison without the Genetically-Modified Starro that the Ministry of Self-Reliance plans on using as their ultimate weapon to control the populace, proving that their title is totally ironic.

Kenan decides to go home and check on his father once he realizes the importance of keeping a secret identity and how he chose not to keep one. But when he gets home, he finds a surprise waiting for him: his father is Flying Dragon Father! Surprise!

The Ranking!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Suicide Squad (*)

The asterisks in parentheses are not emoticons of a person bending over! They're placeholders for where I'll insert the previous month's ranking of each comic book. It doesn't matter yet because I'm establishing the overall rankings this month! Right now, New Super-man is way ahead of the others even though the ranking list doesn't have a good way of portraying that. But that means a lot because I love Priest's current run on Deathstork! It's just that I super love Yang's New Super-man! I love it in the way I loved All Star Western! It's just super fun with great characters and an actual story that isn't just "People are in danger! Good thing there's a super hero to punch the danger! Yay, the people are safe! Wait! A stronger danger is approaching that must be punched! What will happen?!" So boring!

New Super-man #3

In China, Dragons aren't mythological creatures of wonder. They're fucking pests.

The Review!
I haven't read this issue yet but based on how much joy Issues #1 and #2 gave me, I'm just going to go ahead and say this issue was also terrific. If you aren't buying New Super-man, you have made a poor decision in your life. Not quite as poor a decision as letting your first boyfriend touch you under the underwear. Although that's probably always going to be a poor decision and just something you need to get out of the way so you can have the confidence to approach the boy you really want to be touching you under the underwear. Sometimes it's just best to have a close friend be the first and call it "Playing Doctor" for some reason. If that's what you think doctors do, I have news for you: you were molested in the doctor's office.

The Non-Comic Book Stuff
I just got done watching the finale of Big Brother and I'm going to spoil it for you if you haven't watched it yet. Nicole won. I'm super happy about Nicole winning not just because I think she's fucking adorable and a kick ass snake. I also think it's important that she beat a man in a vote by her peers. One of the huge problems with Big Brother is when the final two contestants are a man and a woman. The game is complex and takes a lot of skills to successfully navigate to the end. Women and men generally have different ways of doing this which winds up being a problem because the way men win at the game is perceived as the "right" way to win a competitive game and the work a woman does is usually downplayed. I'm glad a jury finally didn't automatically assume the guy played harder and took more chances.

On the way to the comic book store, I was listening to my Shuffle and I made note of these lyrics that I really loved by the Indigo Girls in "All That We Let In": "Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up". That's...that's just a great fucking line. Another line I love that I heard today was this one from Frank Black and the Catholics "All My Ghosts": "If I could live to be several hundred. I could take a walk and really wander, really wander." It's a bit of what I was getting at in a previous commentary about how I'm nostalgic for my twenties. If we could live longer, we could really fucking take some shit in without feeling rushed. That's how my twenties felt. Like I could live to be several hundred. And what did I do during those year? I really wandered. I really fucking wandered. Part of where I wandered was China and New Super-man takes place in China and that's the segue, folks!

The Commentary!
At the end of the last issue, Kenan revealed he was New Super-man on Chinese national news. Since it's a communist country, that probably means they don't have live television, right? Doesn't that shit have to be censored before the masses are ready for it? Maybe China isn't that communist. When I was there, I even went to places they called Free Markets. Unless, and I don't want this to sound racist but it's just the facts of how things went, they were saying "Flea Market". You can see how maybe the Chinese think America is a shithole when we brag about our Flea Market society, right?! Again, that's not racist! It's just the way words and accents work! I was there! I heard people describe a place that looked like a flea market as a free market and I didn't know which they were actually saying it was! I also saw row after row of dog and cat skins hanging from bars so if you want to get mad at anybody, get mad a culture that thinks that's okay!

Why do Laney's cheeks need glasses?

Kenan also announces on live television that he leads The Justice League of China. I bet the Chinese government really wished they had some kind of delay on live television now, don't they?! Because calling your superhero group "The Justice League" is sure to bring unwanted American attention to your country. Batman is probably already trying to invest! Oh wait. That's an example of wanted attention! Unwanted attention would be like some guy across the subway trying to look up your skirt. I mean, if the guy wasn't totally cute and shit and you weren't trying to let him get a peek. I don't want to assume anything of the imaginary people I just put into an imaginary situation that doesn't mean anything at all to anybody!

One group that gets a bit pissed at the Justice League of China thing is The Great Ten. They're all, "Whoa whoa whoa! Nobody is going to Peking pay attention to us now! I mean Beijing pay attention to us now! Although that doesn't quite sound sweary enough without the hard 'K' sound."

Laney Lan is so freaking cute that I'm forgetting all of the other comic book females I've had crushes on. I mean, seriously, I can't remember any of them! Not even Vampire Tig!

Hee hee! He called him "Tubby"!

I think if you're on a superhero team with a tubby person, you're allowed to call them Tubby. It's either that or give them the nickname "Tiny" which really isn't any different from constantly reminding them that they're actually big fatties. Seems rude!

There's actually a lot of name calling in this comic book which I find refreshing. I've had it up to my eyeballs with people declaring that they'd rather be kind than smart and then go on to prove, with their actions and Twitter feeds, that they aren't kind at all! And hardly ever smart anyway (which is probably why they desperately want to be seen as kind! It's nice to think, "I can't think of anything witty to say to smart alecks so I'm going to declare I'm kind and don't want to be smart if it means being witty!")! I'm glad to see people who don't really like each other actually calling each other dope and tubby and doof and moron!

Meanwhile, Kenan's dad's Book Club is all, "We have to finish our books now! That's code, remember? We aren't actually a book club! We're revolutionaries!" I read a bit of a book today when I was eating lunch at Hot Lips pizza. They had the book of Pippin in their little library and I read the chapter with the grandmother who was played by Irene Ryan in the original version. That's Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies for young people who don't know about geniuses before their time. Every few months, I wind up on Youtube just to hear her live performance of "No Time At All". It's fucking great. Do yourself a favor. You can also watch the Martha Raye clip if you want to see it performed and have better audio quality. But, come on, Granny!

Bat-man and the others take Sunbeam to The Crab Shell, an underwater prison to house criminal meta-humans. I hope the warden is Chinese Aqua-man! That sounds like an Aqua-man I can get behind. Not in a gay way!

One of the villains in the prison is another Super-man! This must not only be a place where they keep criminals but also dissidents, troublemakers, and super powered experiments that went wrong! Also aliens! Because Starro is in The Crab Shell! I can't believe it! Starro! I bet he's being experimented on to figure out how to create mass mind control to keep the public from enjoying Western and democratic ideas.

Later, after Dr. Omen yells at and punishes Kenan with some kind of Kryptonite Spray Gun, Deilan (Wonder-Woman!) decides to give Kenan a chance and has a cute conversation with him.

Oh man. If Wonder-Woman calls him dummy one more time, I might forget about Laney Lan completely.

Bat-man joins them and lets them in on some detective work he's been doing. By checking out the previous two people almost kidnapped by supervillains, he has figured out who will be next. He has also determined that the victims are all private investors in The Ministry of Self-Reliance. That's ironic, amirite?! Anyway, the three decide to do some private investigations without telling Doctor Omen because the stuff they're investigating is stuff that Doctor Omen obviously doesn't want them knowing. It looks like The Justice League of China has already gone off the communist rails!

Dr. Zheng, the third investor that Bat-man has decided will be the next victim, has also realized that he's probably the next victim. So he's ready when three people with super powers show up at his door. He unleashes a water hydra on them! That's the worst kind! Water hyrdras are almost always deadly poisonous! Or so I've heard. Or possibly made up in my head after reading three paragraphs in a fifties encyclopedia on cottonmouths.

And then it happens. The panel which put the third exclamation point on the statement "I love this comic book!!" Three is the most you can have as an adult. As a teenager, you can use as many as you want because you don't know any better. But as an adult? Three exclamation points are permitted for things that are super duper cool. And this comic book, due to the following panel, has just exceeded super duper cool status.

It's almost as if this comic book were written for an audience of me!

I want to take a moment to say the use of dialogue and Narration Boxes in this comic book is a good mix. The dialogue is all well done and sounds like some young adults getting to know each other. And the Narration Boxes? They're just the right amount of letting the reader inside Kenan's head. Especially when you have a character who is, like Kenan, a bit of a dick. We need to see a little bit more humanity than he might overtly show to his comrades. We also, at times, need to see a little bit more of how much of a dick he is but which he chooses not to share with his comrades. But the bottom line? This is just really well-written shit. And I love the art, too. It fits the content perfectly.

That should be part of the review part, right?! Bah! I don't have an editor telling me how to "improve" things and, in the end, just destroying my soul. So fuck it! It stays where it is!

The water hydra isn't any simple, regular, run-of-the-mill water hydra. It's actually Xiangliu, a serpent older than civilization! Um, what the fuck is a marine biologist doing with it?

While the Justice League of China defeat Xiangliu, The Freedom Fighters of China grab Doctor Zheng. And by "Freedom Fighters of China," I mean "Book Club of China," right? Probably? The members of the Freedom Fighters are Blue Condor, Flying Dragon General, and Ghost Woman. The issue ends with them threatening to suffocate Super-man with Blue Condor's powers if they don't let them go with Zheng. What do they want with Zheng? I'm sure he hasn't read the book they're currently discussing!

Ranking!
+3!!! Because this is my favorite Rebirth title so far!

New Super-man #2

I'm glad Greg Rucka isn't in charge of the length of Chinese Wonder Woman's skirt!

The Review!
This is my favorite comic series of Rebirth so far. And I'm not just saying that this is the one I like best because it just happens to be somewhat better than the other ones. No. I like New Super-man in the way that I liked All Star Western and Demon Knights. It's fun and entertaining and smartly written and telling a cohesive narrative that has something to say. Isn't it crazy that all of those things can be done by a comic book? And I love that the hero is a big jerk that I'm totally falling in love with! It's like looking into a mirror and kissing that mirror and asking that mirror if it wants me to take down my underwear. So hot! Your mileage may vary though. Kenan loves to call people fat, so fat loser probably won't like this comic book. And Wonder-Woman is constantly calling Kenan a dummy, so big dopes will probably get angry about...no, you know what? The best part about being a big dope is that you don't know you're a dope! Stupid people are so cute how they don't know they're stupid and, in fact, actually think they're smart! Sometimes when I'm at the mall, I feel like I'm walking around inside a petting zoo. Sometimes I'll catch myself saying things like, "Aww! Look at that one try to eat ice cream!" Or, "Oh! That little one has little ones of her own that she can't control! How adorable!" And sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and think, "Look at that one! It's the biggest idiot of them all!" Then I'll wave and when it waves back, I'll be startled, pretend I was waving at somebody inside the store, and go back to get another Hot Dog on a Stick.

The Commentary!
I remember reading last issue caused me to think, "This is the best Super-man I've ever read. Even if he has a dumb dash in his name. Why isn't regular Super-man this entertaining? Clark Kent may be a nice guy but he's got the personality of a wet blanket that isn't wet because a sexy lady just got out of the shower and laid down on it but because a toddler pissed all over it." Picking up this issue caused me to think, "I hope I wasn't imagining how much I liked Kenan Kong last issue! My life disappointment meter is about full and I don't want to find out what happens when it overflows." And then I read the first page of this issue and I thought, "Why can't I feel this happy all of the time?!"

The male gaze may be gross but it's an unstoppable force of nature! I bet even Chinese Bat-man was thinking it!

After the totally acceptable compliment to Wonder Woman, Super-man calls Bat-man fat. I guess this is the part of the comic book where he learns that you don't act like a sexist jerk to Wonder-Woman and you never insult Bat-man to his face. Life is just so much easier when you avoid those things.

Although Chinese Bat-man doesn't look anywhere near as fat as David did in his new Batwing suit the first year of The New 52.

You can't really tell in this picture but...yes. Yes he looked fat in it.

Wonder-Woman wraps Super-man up in her lasso and I think she hits on him! She says, "My lasso is like an extension of my own skin, dummy. It's always accurate." Is that a come on? I mean, aside from calling him a dummy! It sounds sexy to me! Maybe that's just my male listen! Is that the hearing equivalent to the male gaze?

Bat-man knocks Super-man out with his Bat-knockout-thing and he's finally subdued. Hopefully they have some kryptonite underwear to shove him in until he calms down. Although I hope he never calms down! I want him to be mean to everybody! I wonder if I can get him to meet my mom?

When Super-man comes around, Doctor Omen explains that he's now a part of The Justice League of China! Kenan isn't impressed especially since China already has a superhero group called The Great Ten. Although nobody was ever impressed by the name "The Great Ten" anyway. Kenan's powers have temporarily abandoned him and Doctor Omen wants him to hang around until they figure out what happened. Maybe he's just been out of the sun too long? Do they not know Superman gets his powers from the yellow sun? That wasn't meant to be racist! Hmm, it probably wasn't racist until I noted it wasn't meant to be racist!

Meanwhile, Kenan's dad and his reading group continue to betray China. It's hard to say whether that makes them the good guys or the bad guys!

Luckily for Kenan, his first mission that he's not supposed to go on but I'm sure they'll let him go anyway is against Sunbeam, a villain that uses weapons powered by the sun! They're going to discover the secret to charging Super-man's powers. Good thing they aren't battling The Kryptonite Cowboy!

I hope Bat-man really is fat and he's constantly wearing a girdle with abdomen muscles built in.

Super-man finagles his way onto the mission but Bat-man forces him to stay in the car. That probably means Sunbeam will escape outside and not notice Kenan at all and everybody will go home and the comic book will end anticlimactically. Or maybe Kenan will get shot by a sun gun!

But first, Kenan has to babysit a little girl rescued by Wonder-Woman from the scene. It's touching!

This is an example of terrific childcare, right?

Sunbeam exits the house with the little girl's mother as her hostage while Bat-man and Wonder-Woman fail to do anything useful. When Kenan sees Jenny, the little girl, sobbing in fear, he remembers the day he learned his mother died and things actually do get touching! Even though Kenan's visor is electrocuting his face as he leaves the Bat Utility Vehicle, he manages to save Jenny's mother. But that leaves himself open to be shot by Sunbeam! Oh no! He's going to die and not get his super powers back at all!

No wait! He doesn't die! He does get his powers back! What a surprising turn of events! Even more surprising is that Wonder-Woman thanks him and Bat-man begrudgingly gives him some respect. And then Chinese Lois Lane arrives! I mean, Laney Lan arrives and she just happens to be Chinese because this comic book takes place in China! Bat-man is all, "We have to disappear quickly when they avert their gaze!" And Wonder-Woman is all, "We do not talk to the media because they always ask things like 'What make-up do you like?' and 'Are you dating anybody?'" But Kenan Kong is all, "Laney! Laney! I have a big boner for you! It's me! Kenan Kong! China's Super-man!"

I don't think the Ministry of Self-Reliance wanted Kenan to show this much self-reliance! It might bring trouble! The kind of trouble book clubs are known for bringing!

New Super-man #1

Cars don't get into serious accidents with other cars in China! They get into accidents with mopeds, bikes, pedestrians, and capitalism!

The Review!
This is my new favorite Superman book. It is a real DC Comics comic book, right? This isn't just a Chinese knockoff? Because it feels like I just got a Bat-Man action figure whose name is Bruce Parker and he carries a lasso of truth. But that's the joke, right? "Let's make a Chinese version of Superman and it'll be like a counterfeit, knock-off Superman product! And why stop there? China can have knock-offs of the whole Justice League! It'll be totally hilarious and not insensitive or stereotypical at all! Because it's just a fact that China doesn't give a shit about international trademark and copyright law! And also they're very wise!" But seriously (which is something I say to make sure nobody thinks I was being gross or problematic!), this is a fun book. Even the unlikeable main character is totally likeable. I think it's the way he says "ha ha" a lot! Plus he's got enough flaws that he'll be learning lessons for a long time. That's like pre-written material built in to the premise! Also the art is great! And the lettering didn't make me go blind, so I guess it was good. Plus there were colors, so way to go Hi-Fi, if that's even your real name. What are you, a robot? Or a DJ?

The Commentary!
I'm a bit worried about commenting on this comic book. What if I say something racially insensitive when I think I'm just being facetious and charming? This is why I like comic books with white male leads! I know that I can't ever go too far with a joke about them! People are always crying for more diversity and representation and inclusion. But I'm always thinking, "No! No! That just means more pitfalls for me to fall into because of my stupid sense of humor! Can't we let the white males remain in power for just a little bit longer?!" I suppose I should be happy about a comic book starring a Chinese Super-man in China because it'll give me a chance to tell all of my stories for when I traveled in China! I bet I can even wedge in a few Hong Kong, Singapore, Japan, and Thailand stories! Well, maybe not Thailand! I bet if I stay silent about Thailand, people will think I had a more sexually adventurous time there than I actually did!

Plus it'll give me a chance to share vacation photos!

Maybe the next one will even be a photo of China instead of the Badlands in South Dakota!

The issue begins in Shanghai, China, where I've been. I've been there. Totally been all over that. It also begins with a stylistic choice that I despise but I suppose I'm just going to have to get over it at some point. It's been nearly five years now that I've been back to reading comic books and I just can't get past it: the Narration Boxes in the voice of the main character directed at the reader. Don't acknowledge me, you fictional character! You're not supposed to know that you're in a comic book and that I'm reading your adventure! Chinese Superman is even telling me to take notes about his origin story! Fuck that! I haven't been in school for twenty years! I'll be damned if I remember anything ever again!

Now I'm expecting an old man in a fishing boat to tell me about prejudice because I called New Super-man "Chinese Super-man". It's not like I refer to Superman as American Superman! But then that's because "Superman" never needed disambiguation before! Maybe I can just refer to him as "Superman" and it can be acknowledged that I'm speaking about the Superman who is the star of this comic book. If American Superman guest stars, I'll call him American Superman because he's the one causing the confusion.

Oh good! New Super-man is an insensitive bully! Maybe he'll distract people from my insensitivity and penchant for bullying!

I wouldn't normally think of myself as a bully. Critic is a much better term! Besides, I would never comment on Scott Lobdell or Ann Nocenti's physical features! I just critique their ability to write! It would be wrong of me to point out Cullen Bunn's cue ball head while writing about his terrible writing choices on Twat Lobo.

I don't think Superman will continue to be an unlikeable and unsympathetic character. I have a feeling he's going to learn some lessons soon! Although he's still mighty cocky in his Narration Boxes. Double although, no more cocky than I am in my reviews! So maybe he's actually kind of lovable! He even calls the kid he's stealing the soda from "Fat Boy." Ha ha! That's funny! Like both atomic bombs in one, right?! I bet that kid's farts smell terrible!

After the bullying and the reverse-bullying plays out, a villain named Blue Condor flies down to kidnap Fat Boy because Fat Boy's parents are rich. Instead of just laughing about it, Superman throws the can of soda at Blue Condor's head, helping Fat Boy escape. What a hero! An insensitive bastard of a hero but still a hero!

Superman's secret identity is Kenan so I should probably start calling him Kenan when he's not Superman. Especially since he isn't even Superman yet! Although he is in the Narration Boxes! Kenan must be his surname since it sounds like Kent. Does surname mean last name? Maybe I should stick to words I know the definitions of. No, that would hardly work. I need to have a reputation for using the best words!

Kenan meets Chinese Lois Lane!

Lan shares the video of Kenan throwing the soda at Blue Condor on social media and she's instantly fired from Primetime Shanghai for giving away the exclusive footage for free. Although China is still Communist-minded (if not totally Capitalist-hearted!), so maybe she'll get a big promotion for sharing such footage portraying the average Chinese citizen as brave and dutiful! And by promotion, I mean maybe they'll let her use the special internet without the government firewall two or three times per week.

I hope my complete ignorance of China isn't showing!

Lan makes up for her blunder by getting an exclusive interview with Kenan which enables the woman who will eventually turn him into New Super-man to pick him for her experiment. He's become the People's Hero and he doesn't even know it yet! I just hope he doesn't start an international incident by referring to Batman as "Fat Boy".

Kenan lets Lan know he's totally interested in doing it to her but she's not into robbing the high school locker room. I bet later she totally falls in love with him though! And maybe they'll get married in issue #250! I hope I don't have to wait that long for them to do it though. I bet Lan floods the Mekong Delta when she gets a glimpse of New Super-man though! That wasn't insensitive because she's Chinese and not Vietnamese. Plus it's wordplay on Kenan's name Kong!

Since Kenan can't convince Lan that she's going to fall in love with him eventually so why not start dating now, he rushes home to tell his dad about his heroics.

I think Kenan's dad is going to teach Kenan all about great responsibility! With a little help from Blue Condor, of course!

Kenan's dad is all "Truth! Justice! Democracy!" "Democracy" is obviously just the only way he could say "The American Way" without being American. But we know everybody secretly wants to be American! Or at least have the confidence of an American. Hell, I wish I had the confidence of an American. But I think you have to be really stupid and ignorant to have the kind of confidence that most Americans have.

Anyway, Kenan's dad is already teaching him about responsibility and he hasn't even been killed by Blue Condor yet! He's all into freedom and junk because he belongs to a Writers Group called "We Are Not Revolutionaries At All!" I wish he were actually in a revolutionary improv group.

Kenan's dad shits all over Kenan's hopes of getting laid by a big shot reporter. So he's a normal dad. He also reveals that Kenan's mom was killed in some mysterious way that might have been caused by Fat Boy's father! Instead of telling his dad he hates him like a good American kid would do, Kenan simply goes to hang out with his mother in the cemetery. That's when he's approached by the woman who will turn him into New Super-man! Her name is Dr. Omen and she works for the Ministry of Self-Reliance and none of that sounds spooky or suspicious at all! Take the offer to become the New Super-man, kid!

Kenan goes off with Dr. Omen because that's what kids do when their fathers are huge dicks who don't get excited when good stuff happens to you. You run off and join a circus and overdose on heroin! Or hide out at Larry Mondello's house! But Kenan has a different opportunity! He can become a superhero! Which he totally does! He's infused with Superman's powers and then starts acting like a teenager who thinks they know everything. Which means mom and dad need to knock some sense into him!

Ha ha! This issue is called "Made in China"! I feel like I'm off the hook and can be as insensitive as I want! I mean, as long as I'm funny! I won't be mean and racist just to be mean and racist! Probably!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #6

How is Deadshot not constantly being shot and killed by people on the left side of his body?

The Review!
Halo and Katana and Cat are now a family so I don't care about any other changes that come with Rebirth. This was all I needed. Just them, together. And on the opposite side of the comic book in the second story, Lawton returns to his family too! I mean, he loses his real family which is his daughter. But the Suicide Squad is more of a family to Floyd than Suchin, right? She's so boring. Always wanting to do little kid things that usually aren't invading another country, murdering murderers, and causing violent mayhem all across the globe. Her violent mayhem is limited to the playground. I like this format for Suicide Squad stories centering around specific characters. It's relatively cheap for two comic books and since the characters are bound to the Squad, it's less likely that the person purchasing the comic book will be dissatisfied with one of the stories. Unless, of course, one of the stories winds up being written by Scott Lobdell. Then I'd feel conflicted buying this even if the other story were written by Peter Milligan.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the conclusion to the Katana story first. That's disappointing because I'm most interested in the Katana story and I might lose interest by the time I get to the Deadshot story. I assume the Deadshot story will be comprised of the death of Will Evans and Suchin's tearful goodbye to Floyd as he's taken back to Belle Reve where Amanda Waller will do the Running Man and then the Back the Bus Up and then the Cabbage Patch and end it with a quick, smooth Pop and Lock.

The Aurakles have decided they enjoy feeling emotions and one emotion they want to feel is genocide. That might not be an emotion but this is the universe where willpower is an emotion, so I'm standing by my statement. The only way to stop the Aurakles is to threaten to kill the only one of their own that's currently vulnerable: the one in Violet Harper's body. So with her Soulsucker sword up against Violet's trachea, Katana backs the fuck out of the room. That should buy her and the Squad a few pages!

Meanwhile, the Markovian army continues to attack Kobra's Ark with their ineffective Eastern Bloc weapons scavenged from the Soviet's crumbling empire. Although according to Batman and the Outsiders, Markovia isn't actually an Eastern Bloc country at all!

The Narrator failed geography.

Prince Brion has yet to crash into Markovia's experimental geothermal power station, so he's not that idiot Geoforce yet. He's just the regular royal idiot he's always been. Although his sister has her super powers if The Ravagers is still in continuity! What happened there?

Katana learns that the Aurakles can be killed by combining electricity with the Soulsucker. Too bad Black Lightning isn't part of these new Outsiders! It would make it much easier to keep the Aurakles from killing them all. Kind of like back in the original Batman and the Outsiders! Hopefully Enchantress memorized a bunch of Lightning Bolt spells. I wonder if the Soulsucker has any new powers now that it has an Aurakle trapped within it?

After Enchantress tries to separate the Aurakle from Violet, the Aurakle takes over control of Violet's body. Now that's the Halo I had a crush on! The innocent blank slate! Violet Harper was a selfish jerk who totally did it with guys and shot up with the drugs! Hmm. Now that I've matured, I realize I like Violet Harper better.

The Aurakles return to once again try to convince their lost sheep to return to them. But now it wants to stay because it really likes having a vagina. Probably. That's why I would stay. Plus the breasts.

She did memorize Lightning Bolt! I mean, it's not that surprising. Unless she totally filled up on Fireballs, what else is worth memorizing? Water Breathing? Clairaudience? Okay, maybe Haste! But who wants to age their characters prematurely?!

The Suicide Squad cripple Kobra's Ark and it begins falling out of the sky. The Squad manage to get aboard some escape pods but Katana and Halo remain on board to die. For some reason. I guess some people just like the idea of becoming a martyr. Katana, not Halo! Halo is unconscious! Kobra has escaped as well and Eve is safely tucked away in the Soulsucker sword.

Before the ship crashes, Halo wakes up, picks up Katana, and flies to safety, even though everybody is going to point and laugh at her ridiculous costume. That shit has got to change. Come on, Rebirth! What good are you if not for fixing stupid crap like this?

The story ends happily ever after for everybody except Kobra, Eve, and Battleaxe. It even makes me tear up at the end and say, "Oh, come on!"

The part that got me isn't even the cat finding a family bit or the Halo not understanding hunger and being so adorable! It was that bit way down in the bottom right-hand corner!

Next up is Deadshot's story! Maybe I should have been demarcating the two halves of the comic book with a bold header of some kind! Oh well. Too late now! This shit is almost over!

Luckily Will Evans took Suchin because now Waller doesn't have to convince Floyd to kill Evans for her. Everybody's needs are lining up with each other! Except for Evans' needs! His need is to kill Lawton so that he can get all the Deadshot pay he deserves. But there's no way he's ever going to take over Lawton's job, especially when this story begins with Lawton showing compassion and rescuing three children. That's like the opposite of kidnapping and threatening the life of a child!

Floyd and Will play a game of Deathmatch Island. Two Deadshots walk in, one Deadshot steps over the body of Will Evans walking out.

This sums up the story for people who don't care about the whole father/daughter relationship thing.

Anyway, Lawton is back on the Squad. He and Waller seem to have come to some kind of understanding that they can work with. And Suchin gets to live in Australia. At least until somebody tells her that she isn't living in Australia at all and Waller lied to her and she turns bitter and angry and eventually follows in her father's footsteps.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #5

Another gay black character is going to be killed for no reason! What is this Orange is the New Black?

The Review!
I rewatched Adaptation last night and I think the theme of that movie was that writing is masturbation. No wonder I'm really into both of those. There may have been some other themes too but I was too interested in the masturbation one. I think Baker's The Fermata had that same theme! I remember not really caring much about Adaptation the first time I saw it. But maybe I like it a little better now. Kaufman really nails how writing about writing truly is the masturbation of writing. But writing to please an audience isn't so great either. Writing to please oneself? Well, we're back to the masturbation analogy. But what else is there, really? If you're not into self-pleasure, why bother with life at all? I realize when I get caught up in criticism and expectation (like how people expect a comic book review out of me), I get bogged down in doubt and trite bullshit. I'm much better at simply being comfortable masturbating with an audience. If they want to watch, that's up to them and their issues! If they're turned off by it then they can look away. I just need to continue to do it my way. You know, slow at first with a lot of shaft play and then quicker while really giving my testicles a pounding. I'm talking about my writing style, you pervs! Do you think I'd actually describe to strangers how I masturbate? Um, and the comic was pretty good and all that. It had art and lettering and stuff. Number out of Number. Would probably not read again but that's just because I have a lot to read and not an indication of quality so maybe I should have just left it out.

The Commentary!
I think Orange is the New Black made a mistake by having Bayley accidentally kill Poussey. I get that they want to show how the prison industrial complex ruins everybody's lives, even a white guy who has broken the law multiple times while growing up who eventually gets a job in a prison so that he can accidentally kill an inmate and even then still get away from having his life ruined by a corrupt system even though that seems to be the theme of the season. I knew Poussey was going to die because she was separate from all the drama and her story arc was moving her to a happier and happier place every episode. Television writers are so predictable. But she shouldn't have been accidentally killed and it certainly shouldn't have been by Bayley. Showing how often Bayley should have been in trouble and contrasting that with Poussey's life was enough to show how arbitrary it is as to who is wearing the orange jumper and who is wearing the uniform. If Poussey was going to be killed, it should have just been by that maniac Humphries. Or better yet, have Humphries obviously killing Poussey and kill Bayley as he saves her life doing the fucking job he's supposed to be doing. Leave his body on the floor for a day or two and put Poussey in medical in critical condition. There are multiple ways to tell the story sticking to the theme of the season and it's telling that the writers chose the one they did. Everything could have played out the same way with the prison exploding into a riot after Caputo gives his press conference expressing how the prison did everything by the book and seemingly letting Humphries off the hook. Or the press conference could have painted the prisoners as the reason a guard died, completely ignoring the actions of the maniacs currently posing as prison guards.

I'm not saying people wouldn't still be angry! Viewers would probably be upset that the writers were trying to get them to feel sorry and mourn for a white guy! But Poussey would still be alive. Not that I care. I stopped being emotionally invested when Tank Girl was sent to psych.

This issue begins with a prison screw up of its own. And maybe a death soon too! Lawton has escaped solitary at Belle Reve and Amanda Waller wants to kill whoever fucked up. Although I don't think she kills employees. I mean non-Squad employees! She kills those ones...well, never, actually. I wanted to say regularly but there has been a dearth of death in this stupid comic book about a squad nicknamed "Suicide Squad" due to the high probability of members dying. They never die! Ever! It's more dangerous to be one of Waller's assistants at this point! This comic book should be called Suicide Secretary.

After removing his neck bomb and escaping Belle Reve, Deadshot's first order of business is finding his reason to live. Or his reason not to hurtle himself toward death at every opportunity, anyway.

Did anybody even consider using this cover? Sometimes touching sells better than violence! Emotional touching not pederasty!

Amanda plans on ruining Deadshot's plans because she's a jerk who hates when people get one over on her. Also maybe she's doing it because Deadshot is a mass murderer (or is he a serial killer?) who should be locked up for the rest of his life, no matter how much he and his daughter love each other. Deadshot may have been able to run off to Australia with his daughter but he's not a responsible dad. Instead of making Suchin his priority, he makes killing the false Deadshot his number one on the to-do list. And since Amanda isn't stupid (just mean and stubborn and a bully and a jerk and not fat anymore), she plans on having the Squad ambush Deadshot when he goes to kill Deadshot. Good thing Harley Quinn is going to turn on Deadshot and throw in with Deadshot!

Except Deadshot has put Suchin first. He doesn't mind leaving Will Evans to be the new Deadshot. He just had to get some money for his life on the run by killing a bunch of Falcone's men for some dirty diamonds. While Floyd is away getting the money, Will kills Suchin's foster family and kidnaps her. I know his plan is to get Deadshot to come after her so Will can kill him. But did Will really think it through? Isn't this just going to piss off Deadshot so that he makes sure Will dies a miserable, painful, excruciating, add as many more synonyms for painful as you want death? A better plan — a Deadshot plan! — would have been to wait with a sniper rifle on the roof of a building across from where Suchin was located to shoot Floyd in the head without Floyd ever knowing anything was wrong! Will isn't a good Deadshot at all.

The Katana story is called "Call Her Halo" which makes my heart go pitter-patter-splooge. I had such a huge crush on Halo when I was much, much younger and reading Batman and the Outsiders. I would explain why but how can you translate the desires of the heart? I suppose if you're crass, you could say something like "Her ass reminded me of a freshly laid out buffet and I, the only diner." Although at the age I was when I first crushed on Halo, I could never have even begun to imagine the pleasure of giving a thorough rim job. Butts were gross! Although oddly compelling. Maybe I just liked the way she had some color in her hair and the way she would press her kitten firmly against her spandex-clad bosom? Who am I to solve the mysterious complexities of love and affection?

I bet the main reason I loved her was that she was fictional and I could put her on a pedestal and believe she was whatever I wanted her to be because she didn't actually have any real personality! Loving a real person is so hard! You have to be all, "Oh! You're so interesting! You have wants and desires too? And they're different from mine? Oh, I'm not bored at all by your speaking! Will you touch my penis after you're done talking? Or maybe just a little while you are?"

Why was Kobra investigating science?

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), Katana and the Suicide Squad were not killed at the end of the last issue! They used a magic trick to appear to be somewhere where they were not. Enchantress claims it is real magic but I suspect it was done with mirrors. Katana manages to hitch a ride on Kobra's Ark using her belt-scarf as a lasso. She's practically a ninja so I was totally not thinking, "Pshaw! Even for a comic book, this strains my credulity!" Mostly I didn't think that because I don't know what "credulity" means.

The Suicide Squad manage to commandeer a rocket ship from that idiot Brion Markov so that they can catch up with Katana on Kobra's Ark.

Don't worry! They're the Suicide Squad! None of them ever die! I mean, that one died. Battleaxe! But we all knew she was going to die because she was a gay black woman! Or was she? Who can remember? She was so unremarkable! Oh wait! That was how I knew she was going to die!

When Kobra discovers the Suicide Squad have crashfiltrated his ship, he makes a really funny joke!

Ha ha! I will be thinking on this all day and chuckling!

Meanwhile Dr. Jace begins the process of turning Violet Harper into Halo by shoving an Aurakle up inside of her. I'd like to say my heart is beating faster and I feel an overwhelming longing to be a part of Halo's life but in reality, all I feel is a distinct lack of passion, a complete loss of wonder, and old. I think maybe human beings live too long!

At least I can still enjoy cleavage. Ah. There you are, the sense of feeling something! Anything at all, even just lewd, lascivious, lusty perversion!

Violet Harper is transformed into Halo but not in the same amnesiac way she was in her original origin. This Violet Harper remembers herself and has simply gained the powers of the Aurakle and a really stupid costume. Can Rebirth make sure that changes?!

The issue ends with the Aurakle's arriving to bring back the runaway Aurakle now locked inside Violet. They plan on destroying everybody because they can. So this story went from an invasion of a small country run by a crappy prince to a full scale alien invasion of Earth! That might be the definition of fubar.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #4

I really miss discussing Ann Nocenti's Katana.

The Review or Whatever
Katana's story this issue is called "The Fall of The House of the Castle Markov" which seems a bit odd, possibly because I got it completely wrong. But at least it's optimistic! I can't stand that entire Markov family. I hope they fall along with their castle. I suppose I don't mind that Tara Markov so much although it was weird that she was underage and fucking a fifty year old man. But that was Preboot history when she was more interesting than her New 52 version. Her New 52 version was terrible because she got mixed up in a vortex of awful writers. She never even had a chance! I hope Brion Markov doesn't have a chance this issue! Hopefully Mike W. Barr took my unsolicited email advice and Brion will get shot in the face by a tank before he gets his powers. Also I don't know Mike W. Barr's email address so I just sent the email to every version of his name I could think of to every browser email service in existence. Knowing my luck, Mike W. Barr probably still uses AOL.

Kobra is currently taking over Markovia the way everybody would expect him to take over Markovia: by constantly stroking his own ego and talking about himself in the third person and trying to ignore all of the fangenders complaining that he's a Doctor Doom wannabe. I should note his abs are fucking ripped. That's what a king should look like!

Eve doesn't really know Katana if she thinks she's chatty. Also, Katana's chat-up line has never worked for me.

The Suicide Squad and the Not-Yet-Outsiders have been captured by Kobra and invited to his coronation. He must not have many friends because nobody else seems to be in the throne room. Maybe a few guards and they're most likely being paid to be there.

I wonder how many pages until Battleaxe is killed?

Oh, it was seven.

And there it is! As my song pointed out last commentary, Battleaxe was sure to be the first Suicide Squad member killed since...well, I'm not sure since when. Since Keith Giffen's 2001 version? I know some characters died in the first version of The New 52 Suicide Squad but I think they all came back to life. Except maybe for Yo Yo. Even after surviving six months in King Shark's stomach, I think death finally caught up to him.

Everybody escapes before Kobra can blow up any more heads. Obviously! It's not like this Suicide Squad roster has anybody else to spare! Although if Mike W. Barr wanted to get all Shakespearean, he could off Coldsnap and let brokenhearted Heatstork join The Outsiders.

The best part about the escape is that the kitten is also rescued!

One thing I like about Barr's Squad is how everybody calls Deadshot "Boss." They might be doing it sarcastically but I like to think that given their lives are on the line in missions like this, the team members have at least a slight modicum of respect for the team leader.

I might have used "modicum" wrong. It's hard to tell because it's a fancy word way above my pay grade.

Apparently the veterinarian helping the kitten is horrible at his job (or really good at it, seeing as how most vets' go-to move is euthanasia!) and it looks like the kitten is going to die. But Enchantress uses her magic to heal it! Yay Enchantress! Except for the fact that she's not the nicest witch on the compass. And her warning about the kitten being hungry when it wakes seems ominous.

Katana does some magic of her own and creates an all-new movie-friendly getup that makes her tits look bigger than they really are.

Why was her skin so gray previously?!

Meanwhile in an "Unknown Location" which is almost certainly Markov's experimental geothermal power plant which will later explode all over Brion Markov's stupid face, Kobra reveals to Dr. Jace his super secret hidden secret of all secrets: he has obtained a rainbow alien! He's going to shove it in Violet Harper's secret place so that she becomes Halo and I will swoon.

Katana reveals the secret of her sword to Enchantress because Katana is easily manipulated. I shouldn't judge her so harshly! I would befriend an obviously complete psychopath myself if she healed a kitten friend of mine! I would be all, "Charles Manson! My buddy! How you been, man?! I can never thank you enough for performing CPR on my little kitten buddy! Anything you want, I'll give you, buddy!"

Enchantress is ingratiating herself to Katana because Amanda Waller wants the Soulsucker blade. Of course she does! Amanda is worse than Larfleeze.

Katana and the Suicide Squad use the information from the soul of a dead Kobra guard to alert Kobra to their presence. This causes Kobra to know exactly where to aim the disintegration ray and kill them all. What did they think was going to happen?! He'd come pick them up and be all, "Hey guys! I see you have my code! That must mean you're my friends! Which you totally must be since you were at my coronation earlier! Hey, friends!" It's also possible the giant orange ray blast that hits them is some kind of teleport ray. Also also possible? Enchantress saves them all. It doesn't really matter because the kitten is safe inside Brion Markov's emergency headquarters and Halo will be joining us next issue.

The Deadshot issue is called "The Wrong Man" because the new Deadshot is now a man that nobody likes. But don't worry. Floyd will kill him in two issues.

The Suicide Squad have infiltrated one of those things that isn't really a thing but people would love to believe is a thing which is a Black Market Convention where all of the worst people go to buy all of the worst stuff ever. You know how I know these secret conventions don't exist? Because governments exist! Duh! They do all of this trading themselves! Practically right out in the open even!

The Squad's job is to capture the twelve people who organize and run the show every year. None of the Squad members are going to die in this story because they are Fake Deadshot (who Lawton totally has dibs on), Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Cheetah, and Diablo. I suppose Diablo can die because he's probably going to die in the movie. But I doubt he'll die in the comic book first. That would be a total spoiler!

I know it seems improbable that the Squad can kidnap twelve people while surrounded by the best mercenaries and assassins the world has ever known but this is a comic book, you idiot. And it's not like the cover said "Suicide Squad's Most Wanted: All of the World's Best Assassins and Katana". I think we know whose story arc matters most!

I don't think that it's just that they don't fear death. Most of that one percent are just arrogant enough to believe that they will never be the one to die. They're the ones who will beat death. I don't get any of them. The thought of death makes me piss myself on a near constant basis! I'm peeing a little right now!

Lawton doesn't just not fear death though. He fucking craves it! The way I crave Oreos! Which, if you think about it, is kind of the same thing! I'm a bad-ass!

Fake Deadshot got the job because Floyd was always a loose cannon. But at least he was Waller's loose cannon! Fake Deadshot's cannon isn't just loose, it's rolling around the deck squashing sailors while firing uncontrollably at the same time! He's just looking to kill the people Amanda wants to capture. I think he may have just put in his two weeks notice.

I think I covered this, Harley. But thanks for the backup!

Harley and Diablo decide to stay on the mission which causes Diablo to get shot in the face and killed. See? That's what happens when you join the Suicide Squad and you're the only member of the team who has even the remotest possibility of being killed! Dumb dumb.

Olivia is also killed. You might be thinking "Who is Olivia?" It was Amanda Waller's assistant. That's the job that should have "suicide" in front of it.

Oh, and Diablo apparently wasn't killed. Whatever. Fuck you, you stupid No-Suicides-At-All Squad! I hope Amanda Waller's Craigslist job listing points out that her new assistant is only going to get part-time work. Mainly because they won't live for more than 40 hours.

Amanda goes off to re-recruit Floyd but finds his cell empty and covered in blood. Whoops!