Michael Cray #1

This would be my reaction to seeing Green Arrow too.

Oh man. I hope Green Arrow dies in this series! I know it won't be the real Green Arrow who dies but I'll still masturbate over the scene anyway. Wait. Did I type that out loud?

The best moment in DC Comics' entire history was when Green Arrow couldn't disarm that bomb while Superman watched. The worst moment was when Kevin Smith brought him back to life. I know some people are now angry at me for not thinking the worst moment was when Kevin Smith made it canon that Batman pissed himself. To those people, I say, "Let he who hasn't pissed himself piss the first piss."

I just realized that if this comic book isn't about Michael Cray trying to kill Green Arrow like I think it is, everybody is going to be confused by my previous statements. "Why is this Lobo loving mental midget talking about Green Arrow?" Twat Lobo loving Anonymous will probably ask. That guy is the worst at relaxing and just having a good time! And I don't mean "guy" as a non-gender specific term! Somebody that didactic and lacking in whimsy is almost certainly a dude. How dare you suggest my reviews are biased?! I am the most objectionable reviewer on the Internet! I mean objective!

Michael Cray has been tasked with putting together a task force. That sounds like the first line to a dirty limerick where some boy sucks off a horse in the final line. I don't have time to work out the middle details!

Let me start over! Michael Cray has been put in charge of something called Executive Protection Services. That sounds like the code name for a sexy escort slash bodyguard business. I think Terra from Deathstork works for Michael Cray.

I can't remember which secret Wildstorm organization Michael Cray is working for now. Skywatch, maybe? Is that one of them?

Luckily for my introduction to this non-biased review, Michael Cray's first assignment is to kill Oliver Queen. That's Green Arrow's secret identity, for people who didn't know that and somehow are reading a comic book blog review about some guy named Michael Cray. Who are you people? Weirdos.

Michael Cray reminds everybody that the reason he's working with this new agency was because he refused to kill people without any good reason. Isn't big bucks good enough reason, you equivocating bastard! I don't even know what "equivocating" means but it sounded like it worked there.

Some people out there might be thinking, "How do we know we're nearing the End Times?" Probably because I'm getting angry at the way people use the word "selfie" for regular pictures of people taken by other people! You ignorant fools!

Oh, I'm sorry! Some of you Wildstorm fans who accidentally thought they were reading an actual review of this comic book might be surprised to find that I constantly interrupt myself with thoughts that are too long to Tweet which I don't have time to cut down to 140 characters. And nobody is going to give me, Grunion Guy, a 280 character Twitter account! Although they should because that's only about 80 characters longer than most of my novels.

That's not San Francisco! As if you could see that many stars from The City.

That's Oliver Queen waking up after having a nightmare about that time he crashed on a wacky island. Having been raised in the lap of luxury without ever having to fend for himself, he of course becomes an expert bowman and survivalist through sheer force of will. It's important to see that Oliver Queen may have been born rich but he was still the type of man who could make something of himself without his parents' wealth and privilege. Also he remembered how Bruce Wayne left behind everything to become the greatest detective the world has ever seen so Oliver was all, "I need that kind of secret origin too! But a little bit different so that people don't just think I'm Batman with a bow and old fashioned facial hair!"

Michael Cray moves to Oakland where he meets the world's least skittish mouse. He touches it and it blows up. I guess that's Cray's superpower? I might have been mistaken as to why he was called Deathblow. Was that blow job joke subtle enough to pass for a G Rating? I wonder if the three people Michael Cray hires for his team will sometimes tell people, "Oh yeah, I'm out in Oakland working the Deathblow job." Then those people will never talk to them again.

Michael Cray's dad plagiarizes my Green Arrow origin story. Is that how plagiarism works? Probably!

Michael Cray's dad explains that Oliver Queen is a rich asshole. He apparently "helps funnel narcotics and guns into the 'wrong' neighborhoods. Crime goes up. Then he privately funds political efforts to hammer down on them with the police." That's almost exactly what Bruce Wayne does! He drives criminals into certain sections of Gotham. Real estate prices fall due to increased crime. Bruce Wayne buys up all the cheap properties and then Batman drives the crime out of the area. Later, Bruce Wayne jerks himself off on the way to the bank!

In a scene setting up the reader to despise Oliver Queen so we don't feel icky backing a government assassination attempt, Queen treats a woman who seems to love him like she's a prostitute. Now we all hate his guts! Kill him, Michael Cray! Kill him! Oh wait a second. I already hated his guts!

If that wasn't enough reason to hate him, he also makes his sister clean his sex sheets. And if that wasn't enough, he then quotes John Donne! But he doesn't just quote him! He quotes a section of Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions in an odd way. The quote's the bit about the bell tolling for everybody (but mostly for him!) and then ends with an ellipsis to simply finish the quote with "no man is an island." He basically yada yada yada'd a huge section of Donne's pain! Fucking monster!

It's also possible Queen just went from a Donne quote to a Bon Jovi quote. "They say that no man is an island. But good things come to those who wait. But the things I hear are there just to remind me. Every dog will have his day! The spirits! They intoxicate me! I watch them infiltrate my soul! They try to say it's too late for me! Tell my guns I'm coming home! I swear! I'm gonna live forever!" Ha ha! You are not, Oliver Queen! That was a stupid thing to quote because you're going to die!

Dammit. I just realized that Michael Cray might find out that Oliver Queen is actually Green Arrow and he's really helping people so he'll have to let him live. Although why show him to be such a disgusting piece of shit if that's how the story will work out? I imagine that's how the story would work in the actual DC Universe. But in the Wildstorm universe, we're allowed to think the worst of Oliver Queen and watch him die messily.

I hope she can change his mind with some sweet, sweet government lies!

Ms. Trelane tells Cray that Oliver Queen hunts people. Why not? They're the most dangerous game! But mostly he hunts veterans so that makes him super bad. If he only hunted, say, criminals and pedophiles, people might be able to get behind him. But he hunts the nation's heroes! What a sick bastard! Ms. Trelane doesn't really care that he kills homeless people. I mean veterans! She and Skywatch (or whatever company she works for. Remember how I don't remember?!) just want his technology and market share. But she's up front with Cray about how she's manipulating him to do Skywatch's dirty work. So at least she's honest?

Oliver Queen quotes some more Donne while hunting veterans. It's a good metaphor that Queen chooses to use quotes from Devotions upon Emergent Occasions because the book is a meditation on pain and being sick. I think that means Oliver Queen knows he's a sick bastard causing people pain!

Michael Cray #1 Rating: Three stars our of four! That might only be a C Average but it also sounds like I really liked it. That way I can defend the score no matter who attacks me on it. If someone is all, "You thought this was that good?!", I can be all, "3 out of 4 stars is 75%! That's average in the ratings system of United States schoolchildren!" But if people are all, "75%?! You hardly liked this at all?", I can say, "But three stars! Out of four! That's practically all the stars!" Nobody's going to challenge me on my comic book rating of this book!

The Wild Storm #4

This is the only sexual position I can orgasm in.

• I bet the only way Steve Buccellato can orgasm is when he gets the news he's going to be working with Warren Ellis and Jon Davis-Hunt.

• At the end of the last issue, Grifter was in a real pickle. He was about to be blown up by some Black Razor agents hitting their self-destruct buttons. But at the beginning of this issue, he figures out a way to survive!

In the terrible old days, 80% of this page would be covered in Grifter's thoughts.

• You might be thinking, "How did Grifter kill those guys without flipping upside down first?" Okay fine. That's what I'm thinking. I just like to imagine that other people think the same things I think so I feel like I'm part of a community that probably really doesn't want anything to do with me.

• Speaking of the comic book loving community I'm ashamed to be a part of, I received a message about Wonder Woman from a person calling themselves HentaiBorg. Now there's a name that really evokes some boner inducing images! I'm picturing a poster by H.R. Giger if he were attempting to parody an M.C. Escher print of an orgy. Anyway, HentaiBorg had this to say about the Wonder Woman comic book:

I would buy a WonderWoman book with Frank Cho to the art.
Having Cho
at the writing would garanty there would be no feminism in the book,
which would be an improvement but I would prefer a more experienced
writer.
Diana need to be rewritten Geoff Johns, bring the characters
back to the core and expand. It worked great on Green Lantern so maybe
there is a chance.

I'm guessing, due to the format, that his comment was supposed to be a poem. It's cute how he thinks a Wonder Woman book could be written without feminism. Either HentaiBorg doesn't understand feminism or he thinks anything that stars a woman who isn't naked or putting a sexy lamp in her butt is feminism. "If a woman in a comic book is seen as an actual person and not as something for me to masturbate to, it's Goddamned feminism! I'm sick of it!" For some reason while writing that, I was hearing it in a Canadian accent. Sorry Canadians!

• Grifter apparently doesn't aim as well as he expected himself to aim while looking as cool as possible because he completely missed the brain of one of the Black Razors he shot in the head. The guy pulls the self-destruct pin to kill them all. But the Wild CATs escape into The Bleed before they blow up. Dammit.

• I probably shouldn't be disappointed that Grifter survived. As I've noted, this Grifter is much better than every other Grifter that has ever appeared in any comic book previously because he keeps his bland thoughts to himself.

• Miles Craven tries to figure out how to stop shitting himself after realizing there might be a Wild Covert Action Team out there going against his interests. Another reason he can't turn off the shit storm (which is probably what this series is named after) is the realization that Henry Bendix is going to see all of the Engineer footage and think, "That piece of shit stole my technology! And he's doing stuff with it in public! Before I could do stuff with it in public! Not that I wanted to do stuff with it in public. But the recognition would be nice, you know?"

• Speaking of Henry Bendix, it turns out about 99% of his public persona is all for show. He'd rather be doing heroin while reading Frank Cho Wonder Woman comic books while sticking his dick in a glory hole that leads to The Bleed. You know, he's that guy! We all know that guy! He's the guy who, after a day at the flea market on LSD, takes you to a cocaine party where they have a piñate full of sex toys and people hopped up on coke going full paranoid over you because you're happy to sit there people watching on the acid while sipping soda pop. Man. That guy!

Man. I miss having this guy in my life! Too bad my "this guy" was blown up by a bomb in Iraq, nearly died, began suffering from survivor's guilt and PTSD, began watching nothing but FOX News, and became Christian! Now he tells bad jokes whose punch lines all consist of "I've been burned over a large portion of my body! Brazingo!"

• I don't not hang out with my "that guy" anymore because of the things I listed. I don't really interact with him because my general nature — my cynicism and atheism and facetiousness — run counter to healing and well-being. He needs to believe a bunch of things that I'm fairly certain are absolute bullshit and he doesn't need me smirking at everything he says. • I didn't scan the panel where Bendix says "the idiot in the Jump Room was having some kind of crippling technical problem with his vagina" because that makes him sound like me and I'm not the "that guy" I was trying to compare him to. Maybe I love Henry because I see a reflection of myself in him. Maybe...maybe I am other people's "that guy!" Holy shit! I rule!

And the noise! Don't forget the Goddamned noise! The bouncing basketballs and the industrial sized wind chimes and the music played loud enough so that other people can hear it and know the people playing it are cool (the audio version of marking your territory to scare off or impress rivals) and the traffic and the birds, oh the fucking birds! You do know you don't have to chirp and warble all fucking morning, right?!

• Like Rorschach and Lobo, Bendix might be one of those characters that was created to be thoroughly unlikeable but then was embraced and loved by the fans in a way that made the creator throw their hands up in the air and kick a puppy but I love him anyway.

• Because Bendix is so very likeable even though he's probably not supposed to be, Ellis also makes him racist and homophobic. Probably because he knew he was making Bendix way too charming. He needed to make sure people know Bendix is supposed to be the worst and that if they like him (which how could they not after this introduction to his real self?), they're gross and problematic. Well, I guess that's me then! Because Henry is the best!

• Anyway, a few last things happen. Some woman wanders down the freeway on foot. Deathblow or Deadpunch or Dieslap talks about his brain tumor while Miles offers him a job to keep his mind off of dying. And that's about it for what is possibly the most interesting and well-written comic book currently published by DC. It's almost like this is an Image comic book which is ironic since when this was an Image comic book, it also seemed like an Image comic book. What I mean by that is that Image sucked when it began but now it publishes the best stuff. That's because people save their best ideas for the shit they get to own outright. DC and Marvel will never again have truly great stories because nobody is going to offer up the best parts of themselves for contract work. Unless you have so much good writing in you that you can't help but write great stories. You know, like Warren Ellis.

The Wild Storm #3

If I'm reading all of the subtle clues correctly, Jenny Sparks will be introduced this issue. Hooray!

Previously in The Wild Storm, several corporations who are also black ops organizations have sent death squads and CATs to murder nipple-free Angie Spica. I had to look up her last name because I wanted to type "Spica" but I kept thinking, "That can't be right. That's racist, isn't it?" It's not racist. What is racist is my brain that is always so terribly worried about appearing racist that it winds up overcompensating in certain situations, thus proving it's totally fucking racist. Thanks, Global Media! It's your fault I'm so concerned with how I appear instead of just being myself (which totally isn't racist, by the way! I mean, probably not that racist. Thinking Italians are annoying extroverts isn't racist, right?).

Speaking of annoying extroverts, I passed a guy on Hawthorne Boulevard today holding up a sign that said, "I need weed." Fucking people whose entire identity is wrapped up in the fact that they smoke weed can all go to hell. I don't care if people smoke weed. That doesn't bother me at all. But people who make it their entire shtick can go fuck themselves. I suppose my biggest problem with it is how people can bond over such superficial and shallow similarities. I bet being stoned makes it hard to realize that the person you're getting stoned with is a complete and utter bland asshat whose most exciting conversation is about Project Cloverleaf, which they bring up every time they get stoned. I get that meeting people with similar interests is a bit of a gateway to maybe making friends. But it seems that when weed is involved, people are far less discriminating in the friends they make. Sure, I'd probably hang out with some other people who like comic books for at least one afternoon. But they're going to have to bring a lot more to the table than their knowledge of every death of every Robin and every woman Peter Parker has almost fucked. I need to know what they think of Montuak, the Orgone Box, and Project Cloverleaf as well! Also have they ever seen a Chupacabra?! If so, it was probably a raccoon with mange.

The main problem with this comic book is how many corporations there are. I also have to keep track of which CEOs work for which corporations and what covert agencies are tied to those corporations and which CATs belong to which covert corporations! And this is just the start of the comic book! Pretty soon, I'm going to have to keep track of which of them are Daemonites too!

I would read this comic book. Especially since it looks like it was written and drawn by Chris Ware.

As you can see from the above scan, The Wild Storm takes place on an alternate Earth. DC Comics exists on that Earth and that's where all the mainstream superheroes currently reside (also on television shows like The Doom Patrol. Why isn't that a CW show? The Wildstorm Universe's television programs are way better. I'm stuck with Arrow when I could have The Doom Patrol?!). But all of the businesses and newspapers and cities that you expect to find in the DC Universe, you'll find here. Like The Daily Planet and Kord Industries and the Galaxy Network and probably Lex Industries and almost certainly Wayne Corp.

Currently, Jenny Sparks is wandering through all of the media platforms scattered around our daily lives. She's also probably thinking about snogging me! She's also a bit more like John Constantine than in her previous incarnations when she was only mildly like John Constantine.

Thank the Maker (the Creepy Crawlies Maker, my one and only God) for Jenny Sparks and her Wall of Tying Things Together!

Up in Montuak, the first wave of People Pursuing Angela Spica appear before her from out of The Bleed. It's Grifter, Savant, and the other one. Also, I'm not totally sure about Savant. I'm trusting Jenny Sparks' Wall of Tying Things Together to be accurate! They're Jacob Marlowe's CAT. I really want to type "CAT team" but that would be like typing "ATM Mouth." Anyway, they want to offer Angie safety from International Operations (also from Skywatch although Angie might not understand that she not only stole from IO but also from Skywatch by means of the transitive property (my brain often keeps things from me and I couldn't remember the term "transitive" so I had to Google "a = b = c then a = c") because she saved Marlowe's life. She pretty much doesn't have any choice but to except or else somebody with dead or death in their name is going to come kill her.

Before Angie can say she accepts their offer, the door blows off the vault and three Black Razors march in. Luckily Grifter is here to think, "I can move guns with my mind and also shoot things really good! I will use those abilities to save the life of this woman who seems to not have any nipples. But first I must put on this ridiculous mask that I can somehow constantly see through and it somehow hangs off my face just so. It probably has something to do with my Daemonite blood. That's right! I have Daemonite blood, I think to myself as if I need to explain that to myself!"

For some reason, Grifter doesn't produce one Narration Box at all! What's wrong with him?! This new Grifter just isn't the same. Grifter without Narration Boxes is like The Engineer without nipples.

Have I mentioned how much I miss Angie's nipples enough?

Savant blows up one of the Black Razors with an exploding bullet while Grifter spends the majority of the fight doing flips while shooting upside down. Meanwhile, the Other One (Adriana, the robot one that can send people through The Bleed) took some shrapnel in the face and is now bleeding tears. She's also speaking Greek.

The IO control team begin trying to assess the situation and what went wrong.

That's always been my biggest fear too since I read WildC.A.T.s #1.

The IO lead (I forget his name, okay?! Miles Craven, maybe?) tells the Black Razors to self-destruct and destroy everything around them since they're apparently a bunch of losers. Meanwhile, Angie flies through the roof to escape. Savant, Grifter, and the Other One are left behind to be destroyed. Probably. I can't see how they'll survive the demolition!

The Ranking!
+2! This is really fucking good! It's like the exact opposite of storytelling back when Image first started!

Booster Gold Loves The Flintstones #1

If Prehistoric Man had any concern with animal rights, they never would have had any scientific advancements. At least according to The Flintstones which is, like, history and shit.

I don't know how many people consider these Hanna-Barbera crossovers canon. Everybody should. There's no way I can respect you if you don't now think the Banana Splits went on a mission with the Suicide Squad or that Green Lantern and Space Ghost had gay sex on the planet Krikkit or that a talking dog gave a rimjob to a talking cat. And now Mark Russell gets to write an in-continuity story about Booster Gold traveling back to The Flintstones era? If you don't have a woman boner or a male whatever happens to women when they get a boner thing happening about this comic book, you can't be my friend. You also can't be my friend on just a more reasonable level like how I probably couldn't stand listening to you. If you don't mind me saying everything and you just shut up and laugh at all the right places, it's possible we can be friends. But you also can't smell weird or look me in the eyes.

This issue begins with Booster asking Skeets if he looks sexy. I always knew Skeets had a slot for a penis! I used to tell my friends in junior high, "He's fucking that flying robot, you know!" Booster Gold is in his apartment that is either outside linear time or at Vanishing Point (which is also outside of linear time but more upscale than just "a ratty studio apartment in any buttfuck place outside linear time"). Inside his room, he has a Dodo bird as a pet and he stores all of his valuables in the Ark of the Covenant. Booster Gold might be my hero. He's got no time for your shitty time paradox theories!

Oh, apparently he lives in New New Newest Gotham in the year 2472. I bet Batman is still alive.

In 2472, Gary Gygax is considered a god and you can get a McTalon Burger at the local Food Court of Owls.

While Booster is on his date with Amy, an army of Chupacabra riding space scooters while setting people on fire with laser beams descend on the city.

The Chupacabra are apparently space aliens and not Chupacabra which they most definitely are. I suppose it doesn't matter since conspiracy theories can account for any eventuality. Obviously Chupacabra are just space aliens and not cryptoids! Anyway, Booster accesses his time computer to find that these aliens first visited Earth in the year 20,000 BC in the town of Bedrock. So that's where he goes to solve the problem! I guess he's going to find their leader and suggest that they not come back 24 thousand years in the future?

I don't know. Any noticeable bodily function that lasts that long would concern me.

Booster Gold arrives in the past right on top of the alien, cutting it in half. Well, I guess that's why they invade 24 thousand years later! That's actually a pretty fast response time in galactic times and distances.

Booster Gold's Time Sphere is ruined in the encounter so he needs some help getting it fixed. Luckily, he's met up with Fred and Barney! They always have a scheme up their butts!

Moments like these are why I love Russell's writing so much.

With the help of some of Barney's science-know-how (otherwise known as animal abuse), Booster's Time Machine's Chrono CB Radio begins working. He puts the call out for help and the only person who responds and doesn't immediately die afterward is Alfred Pennyworth from 1966. Batman has a fourth dimensional radio transceiver because why not? Luckily Alfred in 1966 knows Booster Gold for some reason. That reason was mentioned earlier where Booster Gold gives no fucks about time paradoxes.

Booster is an idiot! Due to having such a small amount in his account, Booster will undoubtedly have to pay for that savings account! The payment will be taken out of the account and subsequently begin costing him insufficient funds penalties and fees! He's going to owe the bank billions when he gets home (because the bank will never just close the account since it costs them nothing to keep it open. Banks are assholes).

Booster Gold, Barney Rubble, and Fred Flintstone are out of luck getting help from other time travelers. So they're just going to have to figure out how to power the time machine themselves. I bet five billion vacuum cleaners could do the trick.

Instead of enslaved animals, the trio use the Chupacabra's spacecraft to power Booster Gold's time sphere. While it's charging, Skeets discovers that Booster Gold caused the invasion (that's probably why he doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes. There are none! Everything just happens the way they happened and no time traveler can change it because they made it that way when they tried to change it in the first place!). Booster doesn't really care because he just wants to get back in the future to fuck Amy. But there's an error in the calculations and a huge chunk of Bedrock goes into the future with him.

Anyway, everything eventually works out in the end and Booster Gold's bank account has 3.8 billion dollars in it. I guess banks in the 1960s weren't such huge douchebags as banks are now. I blame Reagan.

The back-up story is a Jetsons story by Jimmy and Amanda. So it'll be full of sexy innuendos!

It doesn't have any sexual innuendo at all! Unless I'm supposed to believe that George Jetson eventually fucks the robot housing his mother's personality! Yeah, I can do that.

Anyway, the story is basically one of the episodes of Black Mirror.

The Ranking!
I don't rank these! But anything by Mark Russell is worth reading. The end!

Suicide Squad Loves The Banana Splits #1

I feel like this comic book has a target audience of one and that one is me!

I used to watch The Banana Splits early in the morning before school back in early elementary school. They were sort of like The Monkees if the The Monkees were furries. I was sold on the show just from the opening theme song with The Banana Splits running around an amusement park. I can't really recall the plots to the shows but I get the feeling they were always trying to evade the landlord because they hadn't sold enough crack to pay the rent yet. My favorite part of Kick Ass (and pretty much the only part I remember) was when Hit Girl begins murdering the fuck out of people while The Banana Splits theme song played. I have that version of the theme song (and the original!) on my iTunes and I never skip it when it comes up. If only the Suicide Squad had such good music to accompany their crazy exploits.

That's my love of the Banana Splits half! My love for the Suicide Squad half begins with Ostrander's run post-crisis in the eighties. That's my favorite all time mainstream super hero comic book run of all time. I have to add all of those qualifiers because it can't really compare to my love of Elfquest or Cerebus or Transmetropolitan or The Sandman or definitely not Shade the Changing Man or Astro City or Planetary or Strangers in Paradise or many others. But for a super hero comic book from DC or Marvel? Totes my fave! It did shit no other comic book at the time was doing. Like, um, things you wouldn't believe! Adult things that didn't have to do with sex (but if they had, it would only have made it better!). Also, that's where Oracle was created! And the eventual reveal of who Oracle was might be one of the greatest and most satisfying reveals in comic books. Those kinds of things are hard to pull off! Unlike me who is easy to pull off! Get it?! I come quickly!

The issue begins with The Banana Splits nearly being gunned down by overzealous cops on their way to play the Whisky-a-Go-Go. They've traded in their Banana Buggies for a military grade Humvee. I guess they finally figured out how to sell all of their crack. Or maybe their music took off.

I feel like they're making light of a monstrous problem in our society!

It turns out the violent cops who turn up to taze the Banana Splits work for somebody known as "The Boss Lady." That could be Amanda Waller although it goes against the spirit of the Suicide Squad to hunt down an innocent band of non-criminals for recruitment. They must really be selling drugs to get by! It's also possible they're being kidnapped by a female super villain to use their music against the world. Sort of like how the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band's instruments were used for evil by Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, and the Future Villain Band (aka Aerosmith).

While the Suicide Squad are on another mission going tits up (which sounds great but it isn't for some reason), The Banana Splits have been sent to Belle Reve for some reason? Resisting arrest, I guess? Oh! I bet the cops found all the crack they were trying to sell for rent in the trunk of the Humvee. Unless Humvee's don't have trunks. I guess it was in Snork's trunk.

In Belle Reve, the Banana Splits act the same way The Monkees would act if they were sent to prison. They really are pretty much the same exact group. But I think The Banana Splits were meant for a slightly older audience.

Deadshot, Katana, Flag, and Killer Croc are in serious trouble on their mission. So Amanda is all, "I know how to save you! I'll send some prisoners who haven't actually been convicted of anything yet and probably shouldn't be in Belle Reve at all but are because otherwise it would have been too hard to figure out how to do this crossover! Also, they're musicians whose only experience with violence is through slapstick. Although to make this entire premise more palatable, I'm watching a fight scene on the lunchroom monitor right now explaining how The Banana Splits are great fighters because one of them is a gorilla, one is a lion, and one is an elephant. So don't worry, Deadshot! You'll be safe in one quick music montage chase scene!"

I wonder which one is going to die?

The Suicide Squad apparently weren't as on the verge of death as Waller was led to believe. After the Banana Splits parachute in to save the Squad, the Squad save the Banana Splits. It really just seems to be Rick Flag whose life is in danger. The threat? It's the same threat as in the mid-80s Apple IIe game, Wasteland! The AI of a robot factory has achieved sentience and decided to make millions of robots to cleanse the world of humankind. I guess that's the same plot as in Terminator as well. And probably a whole bunch of other stories from the 80s. We were really afraid of machines in the eighties. I didn't eat toast for twelve years. I still eat my Pop Tarts uncooked like a barbarian!

Snork comes up with a plan and then Harley describes the plan to Amanda. In doing so, we have a new piece of verified canon that I'm currently adding, in Sharpie, to my Who's Who entry of Rick Flag.

"Likes being fingered in the butthole during sex."

Some people might want these Hanna-Barbera crossovers to be alternate universe stories. But remember if you choose to believe that, you can't know for sure that Flag needs one up the bum to orgasm.

The mission is successful and the Banana Splits choose to remain in Belle Reve so they can shed their bubblegum pop image and become hard core idiots. Fuck that nonsense! Bubblegum pop forever!

The back-up story is about Snagglepuss. I bet at some point, he exits stage left! Probably to go suck a dick. The story is by Mark Russell with art by Howard Porter so I'm bound to like it. I'm sorry, Steve Buccellato, that I have no opinion at all on your coloring skills.

I don't remember Snagglepuss being so philosophical! Maybe I was watching his cartoons incorrectly!

I bet Snagglepuss and Foghorn Leghorn would have made a cute couple. Volatile, but cute!

The Ranking!
I don't rank one shots and specials! Unless sometimes I feel in the mood to rank them. Today isn't one of those days.

The Wild Storm #2

This comic book just got terrible.

The issue begins with The Engineer flying off to investigate a government compound in Montauk, New York, because now that she's a superhero, she can investigate all the cool conspiracy theories. Maybe after she discovers evidence of time travel experiments in Montauk, she'll investigate the sexy properties of a vintage Orgone Accumulator. Something has to happen to get Angie's nipples constantly hard. It won't feel like a proper Wildstorm universe until that happens.

Angie heads into the basement, picks an electronic lock with her nanotech fingertips, grabs an ass-old bottle of water, sits on a magnetic Montauk Couch (it's more comfortable than a Montauk Chair), and cries. This scene will probably make more sense later when the reader has gotten more context. Or it already makes sense for people who are familiar with The Wildstorm universe. I call them "people" because I don't want to offend any of them with my real feelings toward anybody who read WildC.A.T.s. #1 and thought, "I need more of this!" Also, some people probably became fans of Wildstorm later through comics that didn't feel like you just paid a few dollars for a crumpled up script fished out of a garbage can and used for the basis of the biggest movement in comic books since The Thing shit on Alicia Master's chest because she asked for it. Miles Craven and whatever Covert Ops slash Business Venture he operates is trying to figure out how fucked up his life will soon become thanks to The Engineer stealing his company's stealth nanotech which his company stole from Skywatch. That's one of the reasons his life is fucked. The other big reason is that his company just failed to assassinate Jacob Marlowe, the CEO of rival company Halo. They make phones or something. So as you can see, the Wildstorm Universe is totally unlike our universe where businesses aren't just corporations but secret covert military operations vying for ultimate power over the masses. Also they're probably all Daemonites or something.

But don't worry (if you're worried about Miles Craven which I'm not sure why you would be. Because the story seems to ask it from you, maybe?)! Miles Craven has a plan!

I hope it's not wild! Or at least not written by Brandon Choi!

Jacob Marlowe also has a CAT to protect him. I bet half of the members of the CATs have names with "death" or "dead" in them! I bet they all have weird body dysmorphias as well! Maybe Warren Ellis will create a story element that explains why all of the early Image characters looked so fucked up.

The guy leading Marlowe's CAT is named Cash. I know that name! That name gives me flashbacks to having to read the worst New 52 comic book ever written (in a different way than The Ravagers was terribly written): Grifter! Although the pages with Cash on them aren't filled with barely intelligible Narration Boxes, so maybe it's Cole's brother, Not Cole Cash. Or Jeremy. Or something. More probably, Cash doesn't do the incessant Narration Boxing until he puts the colored toilet paper over his face and begins growling, "Call me Grifter."

Some person named Kenesha determines that The Engineer has probably gone to hiding in Camp Hero in Montauk. I don't know who Kenesha is but she's probably a member of Cole's CAT. She knows things!

Rufus Wainwright?! He's a tit man! I mean, he used to be!

Kenesha remembers everything she ever saw. That would be so great for masturbation. Also it would be so terrible for masturbation. I mean, I've looked at a lot of my own shits in my lifetime. How often would those images pop back in my head if I couldn't forget them?

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix, leader of Skywatch and all around monster, is slightly upset about somebody stealing Skywatch's technology. Zealot watches him (wild) storm out of the office of a Ms. Trelane. So I guess Zealot works for Skywatch. These corporations sure do enjoy espionage and assassination! I wish the war between Coke and Pepsi in the eighties had been this exciting.

Ms. Trelane informs Zealot that she's got a new case! She needs to hunt down The Engineer and figure out where she came from. Zealot doesn't seem too happy about this assignment, probably because the people Zealot hunts down usually wind up dead and Zealot doesn't want a person who saved another person's life at risk to her own safety to die because Zealot couldn't say no to her boss. It's a terrible position to be in, not being able to live by your own ethics because you feel trapped by your job. Isn't that right, Sean Spicer?

Meanwhile, Voodoo is making music videos or something.

Double meanwhile (unless we're at triple meanwhile which I totally think we are), Michael Cray (aka DeadViolence or DeathAggression or whatever) reveals he has an inoperable brain tumor. That will probably be important later.

Miles Craven's team discovers that Angie must be hiding in one of their bunkers in Montauk. So pretty much everybody is headed there to capture or kill The Engineer. Apparently the bunker is Majestic-level though so they might have some trouble getting her out of it, if they can even get to it while having to fight through all the CATs winding up at the door.

The Review!
+2! It's difficult to rate a comic book that is written as opposed to vomited forth from the face of a "writer" just trying to get enough words on the page to get their paycheck while making the story marginally interesting enough to not get cancelled. That's my main issue with superhero comic books. They tend to not give a shit about telling stories and wind up just telling moments. Superman saving the world from a cosmic threat by being more powerful and having more heart isn't a story. It's a moment in a story that could be interesting if writers were at all interested in telling stories that were actually about Superman. How often, though, do they feel as dense as something like this? Ellis is building a world. No, he's built a world. He's just, with Issue #1, opened the doors to the public. I want to ride all of his rides and eat all of his corndogs. If you get what I'm saying!

P.S. Look at how boring those two images I scanned are! Most comic books are afraid to fill their comic books with panels like that. The most action in this comic book comes when Henry Bendix glares at Zealot! Also when that character who teleports whose name I can't remember carries Cole and Kenesha into The Bleed on the way to Montauk. What kind of action is that?! This isn't a wild storm at all! It's more like a light drizzle on a day when the sun can't stay out from behind the clouds long enough for anybody to truly feel warm. But it's so much better than Batman punching Bane in the face for ten pages! Although, admittedly, it's easier to masturbate to the Batman/Bane thing.

Future Quest #3

The censors didn't approve of Birdman's original name, Birdfuckingman.

The Review!
It seems Future Quest has too many characters to keep introducing during the story. Everybody is already confused by Jonny and Hadji and Race and Birdman and Space Ghost and Blip and Jan and Jace and F.E.A.R. and the Herculoids and probably other ones who I've forgotten about because there were so many characters introduced in the first issue's battle against Omnikron. This issue takes a break from the main story to tell two stories of introduction. The first story is about Birdman. What I found most interesting is that his name is Ray Randall and he has the power of Ra! That's a crazy coincidence!

I also learned that Birdman has a pet Bird named Avenger. He must be crazy jealous of that bird because it's name is so much cooler! Birdman must be Avenger's sidekick. It's right there in his name. He's the man of a bird and that bird has the coolest fucking name in the comic: Avenger!

In the first story, Birdman also meets a lady. He tries to make a play for her but she insists that they must keep their relationship professional. I might argue that his choice of costume has already thrown the term "professional" out of the window.

The plot of the story is the same plot as the main story in the first two issues. F.E.A.R. is trying to gather up parts of Omnikron and Earth's heroes are trying to stop him, although they don't know why. They just know F.E.A.R. is always up to something horrible!

The second story features the Herculoids! It's about how Zargon and Darnoff met and came to boss the Herculoids around. Also their names might be different than the names I wrote. Even though I loved the cartoon as a kid, none of the names stuck with me across the decades except for Gloop and Gleep. I suppose I could open up the comic book and correct my error but fuck that. That's practically work!

The humans who think they're better than the Herculoids once lived on a planet nearby. But that planet was taken over by robots because robots are jerks. I'm always perplexed by people who think artificial intelligence would be a good thing. I can hardly stand my electronics now and I have nearly complete control over them! Why would I want them to have a will of their own? Who thinks making electronics more like people is a good idea? Probably those fucking extroverts I've heard about! They would probably think it was fantastic if their record player could talk to the guests at their party. At least until the record player starts saying shit like, "What?! He said he's always loved Pavement?! This is the first fucking Pavement record he's ever asked me to play! He's such a poseur!" Hmm, now I sort of wish record players, at least, were sentient!

Every day, the Herculoids have to fight back robots trying to get a foothold on the planet so they could dig up the living mud that lives there and from which the robots' brains are made. I guess they need to upgrade their brains because they are pretty stupid. The Herculoids stop them every time they try to land on the planet and do some mining but they still insist on landing near the Herculoids! There's a whole stupid planet they could land on! I guess they're logical to a fault. So since they know the greatest concentration of living mud is where the Herculoids call home, that's the best place to try to land to get living mud even though the Herculoids beat the shit out of them every time. I bet some robots are all, "Maybe we should land further away from their camp." And then a more logical robot is all, "That does not compute. There is less living mud further away from their camp. It would be a waste of time and resources." Then the first robot is all, "Isn't it a waste of time and resources to keep getting destroyed by the Herculoids?" And then the second robot is all, "Error! Error! You do not compute! Guards! Unplug that robot!"

The story ends with Gorbo, Zargon and Darnoff's son, having to go to bed because it's bedtime. I bet that's how all of the Herculoid stories ended. Sometimes it's tough to figure out how to end a piece of writing so it's nice to have a gimmick that you can fall...oh! Sorry! I have to go to bed now! Good night!

Convergence: Batgirl #2

In 75 years of Batman, there has to have been at least one appearance of Batgorilla, right?

Last issue, Catman made an appearance and nobody was sexed up to the rafters which was surprising. I used to think the main thing a person had to know about Catman was that he was a man and he liked cats. But apparently his most outstanding feature and the only reason he's popular is because he fucks everybody. His 1982 Who's Who entry actually reads, "History: Goes both ways, 'natch. 'nuff said. Excelsior!"

It's possible Catman was about to bite Batgirl on the back of the neck while shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other and struggling to undo her utility belt while she howled like a cat in heat. I mean like something that wasn't a cat in heat but was an awful lot like a cat in heat. Something which you would use to describe a cat in heat when "cat in heat" was too on the nose. Before any funtime shenanigans could happen, Grodd stomped on the scene and growled, "I'm a monkey!" Then shit got real.

Improvisers love to believe that nothing goes as planned because it justifies their fly by the seat of their pants mentality. I am thankful (or at least hopeful?) that those in charge of city infrastructure are planners.

Batgirl should have planned to be trapped inside a dome and transported to an alien planet only to be released one year later so that she could be attacked by a telepathic gorilla. Batman would have had at least three plans in place for this eventuality.

The monkey attacking action is too exciting to continue on page two so, thankfully, the scene changes to the previous day when Tim, Cassandra, and Stephanie were standing around in a desert going, "Duh!" and "Nuh uh! Duh!" and, finally, "Duh duh duh, QED!"

It was quite the informative look back at Stephanie Brown's recent past! I learned that...well, never mind what I learned. It was probably super important to the ending of the story though.

Back in the present, Grodd is about to break Cassandra in half when Catman suggests they all work together to defeat Grodd. That's at least a better idea than fighting amongst themselves while Grodd eats each one of their brains. But even as a team, their chances of defeating Grodd are so dangerously slim that Tumblr would provide a warning page on eating disorders if one were to search Tumblr for "Batgirl and friends' chances against Grodd."

Well, you do have to choose which one to eat first, Grodd.

Grodd knocks out Cass and Tim and is ready to bite Steph's skull open when she remembers the previous day. She remembers an earthquake which means Convergence is long over and these guys still think they need to continue with this ridiculous fight because they're lost in a desert. During the earthquake, Tim hugs her and Steph is all, "Gooooosh!" And Tim is all, "Did you say something?" Maybe Grodd will read her mind and come to the conclusion that he cannot kill true love because it's the only thing worth living for! He'll have come to that conclusion because he probably fell in love with Zelda, the female ape at the zoo where he was kept while in the dome.

No, no! That's crazy! The story is called "The Love Song of J. Stephanie Brown," not "The Love Song of a Big Dumb Ape Named Grodd."

"Let us go then, Zelda! Grodd!
When zoo closed and day get all quiet and odd
Like dead human spread out on dinner table;
Let us go! By penguin pond! By farmyard friends,
Peanut shelled dead-ends
Where gathering crowds all day stood rooted.
Make monkey sounds, they hollered! Hooted
Bad words! Mean words! Words like sticks! Words like stones!
Had they known
Grodd understand all hurtful things said...
No ask what Grodd feel!
Let us go! Make humans meal!

In room females come! go!
Talk! Talk! Michelangelo!

When Grodd get to line about peach!?
Grodd hungry!"

Red Robin decides it's time to talk to Steph about their relationship. Steph is all, "Oh really? Now that I'm back in the suit, you want to hit dat ass again?"

That's not what she meant at all! Not at all!

Steph gets away from Grodd by pulling out his face hairs while Catman stabs Grodd in the back. That's when Batgirl is all, "Um, hey, Catman? I quit! You win! Or maybe, you know, you should surrender to me, maybe?" And Catman is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea! Because if one of us loses, that will obviously open up a portal because that's how things must work! This is probably where one of us says that we have just one last chance!" Catman decides to lose because his Gotham has been devastated by Grodd. Batgirl knocks him out and dances on his face. She has to make sure her victory is believable!

Telos is convinced and everybody heads back to their respective homes. It's a good thing she decided to trick Telos because Grodd was about to eat everybody's brains and maybe their soft, delicious genitalia as well. He's a gross monkey. Unless he's only problematic?

Afterward, Tim and Steph celebrate by doing it! Or trying to do it. They are unsuccessful because they forget to take their clothes off. Even I know at least some of the clothes need to come off to do it correctly! Like the...um...bottom parts?

Convergence: Batgirl #2 Rating: I forgot to rank the book in Batarangs as I read it! Let me see. It began as a five and then it received plus two for Batgirl knowing Grodd could kill them all so she didn't even try. It gets +1 for Steph punching Tim Drake in his dumb face. It gets -1 for nobody being eaten by Grodd because that would have been nice. It gets -1 for the Guinea Pig being drawn like a chipmunk. It gets +1 for Grodd's mate being named Zelda. It gets +2 for Cass being so cool and sexy cool and sexy. It gets...oh, who cares. I lost count! It was like 7.5 Batarangs or something!

Divergence: Prez
"Meet Beth Ross, the first teenaged President of the United States...a nation where corporations can run for office, the poor are used as human billboards, and tacos are delivered by drone, our only hope is this nineteen-year-old Twitter sensation!"

I don't think that sentence made any sense! I think it need an "in" after the ellipsis.

I'm already nervous about this comic book when the main character is a "Twitter sensation." Ugh. Fuck everybody who puts "Twitter" and "sensation" next to each other in a sentence! I hope she's one of those "Twitter sensations" who steal everybody else's jokes and posts them as her own! She is the president which makes her dishonest automatically. Although I have a feeling the point of this comic book is that she's the first truly honest president and she's super groovy cool to boot!

The story begins with hep cat and bees knees Beth Ross begin all cute and bored on Airforce Uno. But her boredom doesn't last long as insurgent robots shoot down her plane and it crashes on Fiji. Or an island near Fiji. Or somewhere else. I don't think it's too important where they are. Just remember about the robots with missiles.

Whoops! I guess the American robots are the sentries! I knew we needed to make sure we pay machines at least minimum wage!

I'm going to stop telling the grocery store checkout robots to shut up when they tell me to take my items because I don't want to be blamed for riling them up any more than they're already riled.

The big surprise is that the robots are being controlled by video game testers at Secrui-tech. They don't know they're controlling real robots and shooting at the soon-to-be inaugurated President of the United States.

Prez uses her SAT Phone to call the United Nations where she gets in touch with Anonymous (who have become a "nation" and have been given a seat on the UN) who hack the security robots so that they blow each other up. Prez is rescued and taken to the United Nations where the Indian delegate is all, "Why are you so late? Ha cha cha cha cha!"

I was excited for Prez because I was thinking it was going to be a goofy throwback to the original Prez. But it's about modern young people and I can't stand modern young people! Doesn't DC have enough modern young people with Burnside Batgirl?! Oh wait. I really like that title. Maybe this one will be good too. I hope Prez does a lot of Boob/Butt Showcases while politicking!

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?