Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

Suicide Squad #17

In Russia, Zod kneels before you. Shit. I think I have to turn in my writing card now.

Remember when the Suicide Squad gave their members the choice to be on the team? It's possible most of the people reading this comic book weren't born when that last happened. Now it's just a team of anybody Amanda wants forced into slavery under the threat of death. Specifically, I'm speaking about Zod right now since, at this point, I really have no fucking clue what the incentive is for all of the other people on the team. Deadshot wants to be able to visit his daughter sometimes but he sure put up with a lot of fucking bullshit for a long fucking time before that finally happened. And he had to lose a hand to get that carrot! Harley is on the team because DC Comics is afraid to lose half the readership by dropping her. Killer Croc is on the team because I don't know why. Why is he even in Belle Reve? It's a mystery! Captain Boomerang is on the team because he's full of guilt and self-loathing and believes he deserves the humiliation he receives from Amanda. Also he constantly has a boner for some reason. Zod is on the team because he's an alien and Amanda enslaved him. I'm sure he'll just shrug his shoulders and look on the bright side and get on with it.

Look at Deadshot on that cover. Why do all the terrible artists that people think are actually the best artists believe that Deadshot can see anything out of a scope in his mask that far over on the side of his head? Fuck you, Tony S. Daniel and John Romita Jr. Probably Jim Lee too but I don't remember being upset about his placement. Although I'm sure Jim Lee filled the scope with scribbles, so even if it were in the correct place on Floyd's face, he still wouldn't have been able to see out of it.

All the best covert organizations have headquarters behind waterfalls.

When are we going to get the Nightwing comic book where he goes undercover in an international construction company that builds super villain secret headquarters? Think of all the crime that can be stopped before the villain even has a place to sit backwards in a chair facing a bunch of monitors while stroking a cat!

Zod is introduced falling out of a helicopter with the rest of the squad as he screams the thing you expect him to scream. It's hilarious because that's what Zod or people hearing the name Zod always say! He doesn't seem particularly upset that he's been enslaved. As long as he has the illusion of freedom (which he only has due to his delusional nature or why else would he explain to Amanda that he serves no one while doing what he's told?), I suppose he can't get too upset. Besides, he gets to kill people! That's a pretty sweet perk.

The Squad have come to destroy the Annihilation Brigade. They're Russia's version of the Suicide Squad. Maybe. I mean, if that's true, why are they located in Zimbabwe? Is it only because there are no famous waterfalls in Russia? I mean, there might be! But only waterfall nerds have probably heard of them! Whew. Now nobody will dare to say I look ignorant by my lack of international waterfall knowledge because they'll be too embarrassed to admit they're a waterfall nerd!

The first member of the Annihilation Brigade to die is Tunguska. I first heard of the incident at Tunguska due to In Search Of. That was my favorite show as a kid.

"Zod will invent the ways"? That doesn't make any sense. Unless one of the ways Zod just invented was ramming his boner through Tunguska's liver. I mean, why else is Tunguska screaming like that? I doubt it's due to Zod's breath.

Coming to Tunguska's rescue are his colleagues, Cosmonut and Tankograd. Cosmonut has the power of silly typos while Tankograd has the powers of a city made of tanks. I understand why Cosmonut wears a space uniform while the only thing he can say is a picture of a peanut. But why does he have a head shaped like a hammer? If there's one nut that doesn't need some kind of tool to crack it, it's the peanut! They should have called it the pussnut.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Harcourt has realized her jigs are up and begins slaughtering people. Amanda probably knew this would happen and didn't warn all the techies because Amanda is a fucking asshole.

The advertisement for the King Arthur movie still makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. Who the fuck are these people making movies in Hollywood?! I'm surprised King Arthur doesn't have huge fucking ear gauges in that ad.

Um, anyway, Harcourt reports back to The People before setting the self-destruct code on Belle Reve. Fucking self-destruct codes. It's like one lazy fucking hack writer somewhere in the past needed a quick and easy way to threaten the lives of the heroes while also allowing for the utter annihilation of the bad guys so that asshole invented the idea of a self-destruct mechanism built into the evil organization's headquarters. And it was such an easy way to advance the plot and add tension, other lazy hack writers decided to use the premise until it became something audiences stopped questioning. I wouldn't mind if all of our homes were rigged with self-destruct codes just in case a guest stays too long or some Mormon missionaries ride up on their bikes to discuss Christ's new world message.

The Suicide Squad discover that The People's compound behind Victoria Falls is their version of Belle Reve. It's full of imprisoned super-powered people with bombs in their brains. Does the Suicide Squad really need to confront an organization that holds up a mirror to their organization so that they suddenly see all of its flaws? I think they already knew how shitty it was. They don't really need a lesson to get them thinking, "Hey! I don't think Amanda Waller has our best interests at heart at all!"

You're right, Floyd. You aren't the Teen Titans. You do more good than they do.

Tunguska blows up, killing everybody. Everybody except the people labeling under the delusion that they're job is so dangerous that they might as well just kill themselves. They never die. They teleport away along with Cosmonut because he's obviously the best prisoner to interrogate.

"Who is behind this?!"

Later in Belle Reve, Amanda confronts Harcourt before she can escape. Remember how I mentioned how Amanda was a huge fucking asshole because she didn't warn the techies earlier?

She's even worse than that! She's also lucky Harcourt didn't kill two techies with one bullet!

Harcourt is a terrible spy. One of the first things they learn is to tell how many bullets are in the clip of your gun simply by weight! Probably. I mean, I'd definitely teach that course if I were running a Spy Community College Program.

Captain Boomerang kills Harcourt before she can tell Amanda that Boomer killed Hack. Oh, also before Harcourt can kill Amanda. I just mentioned them in order of importance. I still don't know why Boomer killed Hack but since he liked her, it must have been mind control. Or else that self-loathing I mentioned earlier that he's full of.

In the epilogue, Cosmonut is interrogated and Amanda learns what a peanut looks like when spoken. Rick Flag sucks on Harley's finger which, according to earlier issues, was probably just inside his asshole. And Zod speaks with his cohorts inside the Black Vault (probably Faora and that dumb oaf) before attempting to do brain surgery on himself with his heat vision and a mirror. That totally makes sense, right? His heat vision is powerful enough to cut into his own Kryptonian brain but not powerful enough to shatter a mirror. Because light or something!

I really need to dig up Ostrander's run on this thing and reread that. Although I might be severely disappointed. I was pretty young when I read and loved it. What if my raging cynicism, cultivated from years of life constantly trying to put me in the ground and my existential terror of just about every mundane task civilization expects out of adults, make me realize it was actually terrible?! Hmm. Now I really want to reread it!

Suicide Squad #16

This comic book keeps insisting on artists whose work I have serious issues with: Jim Lee, John Romita Jr, and now Tony S. Daniel. Blarg!

The Review!
-1 Ranking. This issue was not entertaining. I did not learn anything interesting about Lex Luthor. I did not learn anything interesting about Amanda Waller. You might be wondering, "Did you expect to?" Well, no, not at first. But the way Williams wrote the story, it felt like he was trying to teach me something about them that he gleaned with his magnificent wisdom. Like how they're lonely and want to fuck each other, I think.

Amanda just wanted some kryptonite from Lex which he tried to give her on page two but she refused because she's apparently not as all-knowing and manipulative as she thinks she is. So instead of moving on to an entertaining story with the kryptonite in her pocket, she bores me for several more pages. Lex is particularly boring and cliché as he points out, as the smartest guy on Earth, that he already knows everything there is to know. No hiding any secrets from him! While Lex and Amanda bore me, the Suicide Squad attempt to burgle Lex's vault. The mission is successful if the mission was to get me to hate every single member of the team, even the ones I used to like. Enchantress shouts annoying Satanic-lite gibberish. Captain Boomerang complains about his arm lost in the teleportation process but never in any realistic way like screaming "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" or vomiting all over the place. Harley Quinn acts goofy and whimsically in a way that makes me wish I'd stopped reading this comic book five years ago. And Deadshot doesn't really do anything at all. I think. I don't really remember. Was he even in this? Maybe he wasn't in this the way Killer Croc and Katana, although on the cover, weren't in this.

The whole point of the story was for Amanda to get some kryptonite to stick into General Zod's head so that she can have a criminal Superman on her team. Because having beings of cosmic power worked out so well in her first version of Task Force X.

Suicide Squad #15

Super-tits?

I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. The Republican Party just needs a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hillary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hillary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hillary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell! Suicide Squad? More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Suicide Squad #14

Is that a wooden stake bullet for hunting vampires?

The Review!
I'm not really interested in spending a lot of time on this comic book, mostly because it means looking at John Romita Jr's art. Although the story hasn't been helping either, not being in any way gripping and in only tiny ways interesting. Rustam's Burning World Buddies (formerly known as the Jihad) have decided to go from world capital to world capital burning them to the ground. While they're doing that, Harley Quinn has decided to burn the Burning World Buddies' world to the ground because Hack has been killed and they probably did it. I mean, who else could have done it? I know Captain Boomerang did it! But he probably didn't want to seeing as how he's crying in his Fosters right now.

After all the DC reboots, the Jihad still work out of the same building. Oh, sorry! The Burning World Buddies!

As Harley arrives in Qurac, the Burning World Buddies step out of a portal right behind her. She fights them to show she has heart or ideals or something. Deadshot shoots her in the stomach and the first half of the comic book ends. I bet she's really dead now too! Just like Hack and Amanda! None of them are fake dead due to some crazy plan to expose the spy and capture Rustam at all!

The second half of the comic shows what the other members of the Squad are doing while Harley is begging them all to go on her revenge trip to Qurac. Boomerang, Croc, and Enchantress all agree and head over to help out. They get there right after Harley is shot by Deadshot. But the Burning World Buddies aren't too concerned about them. They're busy being worried about Amanda Waller stepping out of a sand storm.

WHAT?! Amanda Waller is alive?! But she died! She totally died and was dead and everybody totally bought it and everything! This is too big a surprise to believe! Next month I'll probably learn that Harley didn't really get shot by Deadshot because Deadshot has been working with the Squad this whole time! And we'll learn that Hack survived being stabbed by Boomerang using her ability to go digital! And I bet even all the Man-Bats that died in China aren't really fucking dead either! Stupid Suicide Squad. Change your dumb name already!

The Ranking!
-1! Can't somebody in this stupid comic book stay dead? So stupid. The stupidest!

Suicide Squad #13

I wish John Romita Jr. had never followed in his father's footsteps.

Katana and Rick Flag have become prisoners of Rustam. He's decided that since he was once betrayed by an employer, all employers must die and all employees set free. I don't have a problem with that. I once had a manager who cried during a salary review meeting because I wasn't her friend. I didn't get a raise. I also quit a few weeks later and while I didn't go around the world decapitating guards of prisons (why would I? Aren't they the same kinds of people who need to be set free? Rustam is a dick) and setting loose all of the criminals of the world, I have never worked for an actual employer ever again. Fuck the system. Fuck job creators. Fuck everybody except myself. Why would I want to work for companies where the CEOs look at me as if I'm a parasite and not part of the backbone of their company? I hope Rustam destroys them all!

I have a feeling a lot of people over the years have called Romita's artwork "dynamic."

That was a criticism that also cuts Rob Liefeld! Also, it's probably not a fair criticism of Romita, especially in regards to that panel. That panel is mostly fine and, quite often, Romita's art isn't even dynamic. It usually looks like he maps the scene out on graph paper and then replaces most of the ninety degree corners with slight curves. The only reason I scanned in this panel and not the terrible artwork of the first page is because I don't understand how Deadshot sees through the scope on that helmet unless he's got some kind of chameleon eye.

Rob Williams writing isn't currently doing anything for me now either. I suppose if it were, I'd look past the problem I have with Romita's work. I certainly didn't feel the need to complain (much) while reading Kick Ass.

Harcourt (the new white, skinny Waller) decides to send Croc in to break up the fight. But Croc just treats it as an excuse to remind the readers that he eats the flesh of people. That's basically his character these days. He eats guards regularly and wants to fuck Enchantress. Croc only makes the situation worse so Harcourt uses the brain bombs to stop the aggression. I suppose she could have done that initially but then she wouldn't have been able to push Croc around.

Going from twenty to eleven is not turning it up, dum-dum. You should either have said, "Brain bomb at 2. Don't make me turn it up to 11," or "Brain bomb at twenty percent. Don't make me turn it up to 110%." You need to be exceedingly clear when dealing with these savvy criminal types!

Deadshot admits to killing Waller for Rustam in exchange for his own freedom. It's almost certainly not part of a bigger plan to catch Rustam at all. Waller is dead. You must learn to live with this one, actual comic book death, the first in the pages of Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. I mean, I guess Lime of Lemon and Lime fame died. And Yo Yo died without coming back (the second time! He did survive the first death of being eaten by King Shark). And a bunch of Man-bats died. And that one guy who died immediately in The New 52 but then came back and then maybe died again and then came back but then his head blew up because he was resurrected too many times? Maybe that guy counts too. So that's three (maybe?) and a few Man-Bats in six years? Not good enough, Suicide Squad. I think the Justice League has suffered more losses than that!

After the super surprising revelation that Deadshot killed Waller while working for Rustam, the Jihad...er, I mean, the Burning World Buddies make their assault on Belle Reve. Djinn enters the system to steal all of Amanda Waller's files she uses to blackmail everybody in the world. She must have purchased them from All Star Batman's Two-face. He knows everybody's dirty little secrets because he's such an amazing district attorney. Those guys are fantastic at digging up dirt to put people away unless those people are dirty cops and then they don't try to convict them at all because working against the police would destroy the career of a district attorney who needs them on his side to do his job well. And even though you'd think good cops would want to prosecute corrupt cops, it seemingly doesn't ever work that way at all.

Anally fisting an antagonist seems like a slightly over-the-top way of stopping them.

Djinn unencrypts the files the Suicide Squad stole from The People and Hack gets a good look at them. Instead of saying whatever she discovered, she spends the time she has before she's cut off declaring how she now knows the thing that she probably needs to tell the others but didn't have time because she had to let them know she knew it first. I guess I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat now? What is it?! What did you discover, Hack?! Oh my goodness! This tense excitement could only be better if it had been caused by Hack actually revealing something exciting instead of just teasing that she knows something exciting!

The thing she's most excited about (since she couldn't reveal the Annihilation Brigade's current location or who she finally knows whatever) is that the brain bombs have been deactivated. That means Harcourt can't turn them up to 11! It also means Deadshot gets to escape with Rustam. And also that the first part of the story is over.

This comic is still split up into two stories even though the second half now continues the current story. I guess when you're an artist like Jim Lee or John Romita Jr, you can't make monthly deadlines because you're so busy scribbling lines all over your finished art.

Do we? I think if you're asking that question, you're the villain. I know the time I was rescuing all of those orphans from the burning building, I didn't think, "Am I the hero? Or the villain?" But when I was setting the orphanage on fire, I was definitely asking that.

I'm not sure if Rob Williams knows how prisons work but he seems to think that if you blow a hole in one of the walls, every prisoner in the prison can get out. It happened at Blackgate and now it's happening at Belle Reve.

Since the brain bombs have been turned off, Croc heads back into the swamp and Digger takes off. June, Hack, and Harley head into a swamp pub to talk about relationships. Because that's what girls talk about, right?

Even though Hack said, in the last part of the story, "I finally know who...," it didn't mean she discovered who The People's spy was in the Suicide Squad. You would think that's what she meant. But it wasn't. Because after Harley calls her a hero, she has to go back to Belle Reve to figure out who it was. Now, she could have figured it out the way she usually does her thing. She could have turned digital and found the information that way. But if she did that, how could this have happened?

Whoops! Also, if you're keeping count, that's two out of the last three issues that ended with a black female being killed. Double whoops!

And they're both definitely dead! Definitely. No way either one can still be alive. Kaput!

The Ranking!
No change! Things really change fast! For a second there, I thought I was enjoying this comic book. Now there's nothing about it I like! Kay Sarah, Kay Sarah!

Suicide Squad #12

Harley's head could fit down Deadshot's throat! Sexy!

Last issue ended with Amanda shot in a dark alley by a man wielding two pistols. This issue begins with Amanda (skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat people) rushed to a hospital with a single gunshot wound to the chest. Two pistols and the assassin only managed one hit? I bet it the assassin was Deadborn.

Does anybody else remember Deadborn? Every time I want to bring him up, I call him Stillborn before doing a little research on my own blog to remember his real name. If you're wondering, "Who the fuck comes up with the name Deadborn?", I can only give you one answer. Luckily it's an answer that will completely clear up the confusion: Rob Liefeld.

While Amanda is dying, she's Narration Boxing some really lucid shit that, while lucid, doesn't really make a lot of sense. She's all, "These doctors could save my life if they had the time! But I'm not going to give them the time! Because I should die! It's a good thing I set up these protocols to make sure that if I'm shot in a dark alley without anybody knowing, the protocols could totally kick in and some armed guards would appear at the nearest hospital to keep the doctors from saving me! Winner!" Then I guess she dies. Probably.

Rustam is busy not being able to get over Amanda's betrayal. So he's decided to break into Blackgate. He's got help from Djinn, so it looks like he's getting the old team together. That team is the Jihad. They're totally not in any way associated with Islam! They're from the country of Qurac which is, granted, located in the Middle East. But the residents of Qurac are terrorist assholes based on no religion at all. They're just made up terrorist assholes that DC can use so that people don't get all over their dick about stereotyping. "It's Qurac! A nation where only evil people live! Duh! Get off my dick!" is the kind of thing they probably say a lot.

I wonder what it's like to ink John Romita Jr.'s pencils? I wonder if the inker is constantly thinking, "I could really tighten this up. Or improve this. Or really fucking make this look like somebody with talent drew it. But you know what? I don't get paid that much." I wish Richard Friend would send me an anonymous message detailing what it feels like to get John Romita Jr. pages in the mail. He could stay anonymous! I would just say "A little friend told me...wink wink!"

The other side of the screen is the back of Harcourt's head! Ah ha ha! Oh, Johnny. You are terrible.

Amanda Waller allows herself to die. I guess so she can come back as Deadwoman? It's not going to work as well as Deadman since she's dying topless on a surgeon's table. She won't be approved for anything but mature content comic books.

When the Suicide Squad arrives at Blackgate to stop the Jihad, Rustam reveals that he's come up with a new name for the team because, well, you know why. His team is now called The Burning World and doesn't make me think of radical Islamic terrorists at all! It puts me more in mind of Midnight Oil.

Rustam figures he'd better reintroduce his Jihad...er, sorry...his Burning World buddies to this Suicide Squad since only Flag, Deadshot, Enchantress, and Boomerang remember any of them. So, really, most of this Squad remembers them.

First up is Manticore, a genetically modified man with a lion's head and the inability to come up with clever retorts! RRRAAAR! Word to your mother!

Manticore can turn into a spirit tiger? Why a tiger when he has the head of a lion?! This makes all kinds of no sense at all!

Second up is Jaculi, a speedster who throws javelins. DC has opted to go with the male Jaculi. I guess otherwise she would have been held in Blackgate's Women's Annex?

Third up is Ravan. He's kind of boring. I think he was just Deadshot's nemesis which means he's good with guns. You know how evil super villain teams work! They always have to be weird mirrors to the team they're fighting. If you're thinking, "Then why a speedster with Jaculi?", you're obviously not a real fangender! Fake fangender! Fake Fangender! You should totally know that Captain Boomerang's nemeses are always speedsters because it continues the theme of nothing ever making any sense in comic books. Ever.

The Burning World Buddies defeat the Squad and send Katana and Rick Flag through a portal into the unknown (I bet that will be the story in the second half!). Djinn picks up a message over the Internet or radio or whatever the fuck he's tuned into that Amanda Waller has died. So Burning World Buddies decide enough's enough for now and they take off. But they explain their plan: all prisoners everywhere shall be free forever! What a radical concept! I suppose he doesn't care if they're recaptured, right? I mean, how many times do you have to save some idiot before he starts taking responsibility for saving himself? Or herself, of course! I don't want to not include women in my blanket "idiot" statement.

The back-up story is Amanda's funeral because she's totally dead. No question about it. Gone. Forever. Stop doubting it, doubter!

Or keep doubting? What do I care? Even Harcourt is doubting even though she identified the body. Something fishy is going on and she's going to find out what!

Harcourt is terrible at her job. A bullet to the heart is not Rustam's M.O. That would be decapitation.

Harley and Hack do some detective work before they come up with the person who has the actual obvious M.O.: Deadshot! Duh! Also, Waller is dead. Absolutely dead. Never coming back. Done. No longer a part of the Suicide Squad. Don't even think it's some kind of trick. What do you think you are? Some kind of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? I'm telling you she's dead!

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad #11

So nobody else is going to do it? It's up to me to tell John Romita Jr that he is a terrible artist? Fine.

• I was so happy when I realized John Romita Jr. wasn't on All Star Batman anymore that I forgot that would free him up to shit all over a different comic book. I guess Jim Lee finally remembered that art deadlines were a pain in the ass and he just went back to doing whatever the hell other crap he does at DC Comics. His main job right now is probably telling Warren Ellis all about how he has to hit his monthly deadline on The Wild Storm, the hypocrite.

• Based on the first page with Amanda Waller sitting in the shadows and drinking scotch, I'm going to theorize that John Romita Jr. does not know how to draw fat people. Which means Amanda gets to be skinny again, I guess. That's probably easier than somebody having to say to Romita, "I read your father's comics. I jerked off over his art. I played that stupid Scott Adams Incredible Hulk adventure game for his art. Johnny boy, you're no John Romita Sr!" I'm sure if anybody criticizes Romita's art, even if they're paying him and have a right to, he probably just mutters, "I fucking did Kick Ass. KICK ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! I don't need this shit!" Then enraged, he probably scribbles all over the art he was working on and the person criticizing him glances at it and thinks, "Hmm, better!"

• Suddenly Amanda Waller is really into chess analogies. Does she know she doesn't work for Checkmate?

• Apparently, Justice League vs. Suicide Squad isn't over. Now the Suicide Squad has to deal with an angry Rustam looking to get even with the Suicide Squad. That's disappointing. This was one of the few books that consistently had the team actively pursuing an agenda instead of just falling back on their heels and defending themselves from an outside attack. Although, in the end, don't all of these Suicide Squad stories simply amount to Amanda Waller manipulating a bunch of people to pursue her own needs? Like now! She'll use the Squad to protect her from Rustam.

• The Squad is currently in Tibet pursuing one of those agendas I mentioned they're constantly pursuing. I can't think of any reason they'd be in Tibet. Maybe they need Yak fur?

Why work on an interesting or convoluted plot when you can just break it down into its simplest component parts? Killing people for freedom! America!

• Look at Deadshot in that above panel. How the hell does he see out of the scope on that mask? Who has eyes placed that far on the outside of their face?! Has John Romita Jr. ever actually seen the face of a person?

• Everybody's costume is different. The pretend reason is that they're all wearing their Tibetan Attack Action Figure outfits. The real reason is almost certainly that John Romita Jr. decided he didn't need any reference pictures and maybe even threatened to quit if the editor didn't stop criticizing his work.

• As the Suicide Squad begins killing the bad guy bastards, one of them yells, "They've found us! Wipe the hard drive! Do it now!" I guess they're busting a Tibetan child pornography ring.

• Nobody is close enough to the computer to wipe the files. Seems like a mistake since yelling "They've found us!" suggests they knew somebody was looking for them. Luckily, the computer was built with a "Delete Hard drive?" section with two big buttons, Y and N. Although why would you need the N? The question and buttons would still be there waiting for somebody to press the Y! Unluckily, the guy trying to wipe the hard drive knows too much about the Suicide Squad for his own good.

I don't think the whole Task Force X philosophy is working. Everybody knows they work for the United States government. And even if they can't prove it, the results of Squad missions always seem to be advantageous to the United States.

• Harcourt is currently in charge of the Squad because Romita can't draw fat people.

• I don't know what has happened to Rob Williams but he's decided the Suicide Squad is a farce. Killer Croc is shyly admitting his love to Enchantress. Enchantress is spouting over-the-top semi-intelligent death metal lyrics. The souls in Katana's sword are dying to go shopping. And Harley is still acting in that trying too hard whimsical way to show that her insanity places her outside of fear. I don't mind if the Suicide Squad becomes a dark comedy. But this writing with the tongue firmly in the cheek is as terrible as Harley's solo comic book. I love a comic book that makes me laugh. But I abhor a comic book that tries to make me laugh and doesn't even come close.

• Meanwhile, Rustam blows one wall on Blackgate Penitentiary and all of the criminals go free. Serves Blackgate right for letting all of the inmates hang out in the outer courtyard of the prison at night.

• Even though Jim Lee isn't currently doing the art on this book, it's still split into two stories. The next story gets to focus more on Amanda Waller because Eddy Barrows is doing the pencils and he can sort of draw a slightly larger than skinny woman.

• The second story begins with Amanda telling her sad story to General Zod. Zod, for some reason, has been removed from his Phantom Zone Sphere. There will probably be plot reasons later that necessitated this change.

• This second story takes place after the first one. The Squad has been given a night off and they're spending it in New Orleans. Amanda decides to go join them.

"Been sat here." Rob Williams just outed himself as a Brit! Not that he was probably trying to hide it. But Flag would never say "been sat here"!

• Waller takes a walk down a dark alley and gets shot by some guy wielding two pistols. I guess she just got killed by Grifter. Does he still exist in this universe? Bah, it was probably somebody else. So I guess she's dead now. She totally seems like a good candidate for the first character to die and stay dead in the Suicide Squad. No tricks here!

The Ranking!
-1! The writing was not enjoyable and the art was terrible.

Suicide Squad #10

Rustam gets his revenge against Amanda by showing Amanda's children the kind of person she is. They already hated her but now they get to hate her even more. So that's something? Or it's nothing. I don't see how it matters since we've gone this long without knowing much of anything about Amanda's past and now that we do, she's just lost the people from it again. Good riddance. Family is like an albatross. Meaning it's good luck to shoot them and hang them around your neck.

What Did I Learn?
Amanda Waller is no longer fat. She just has a big fucking head.

The Ranking!
No change!

Suicide Squad #9

Lobo's expression makes it seem like DC Comics are far sexier than they really are.

That's how everybody reads pornography, right? With their tongue hanging out while sitting on surfaces that reflect light impossibly? Not that anybody "reads" pornography anymore. And by "'reads' pornography," I mean spend hours searching through the bushes in and around the local junior high school until you stumble upon some kid's hidden stash of magazines with titles that scream "This magazine has never been seen in a shop anywhere in this city so where the fuck did it come from?" My guess is that Girls Who Eat Cum and Vaginas On Mustaches were direct market magazines sold only to adult "book" stores.

This Justice League vs. Suicide Squad tie-in issue is about the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad's first mission. The team consists of Rustam, Emerald Empress, Doctor Polaris, Johnny Sorrow, and Lobo. Call me neuro-atypical but isn't Lobo enough? If you have Lobo, I don't think you need a team. You also don't need to threaten him with a bomb inside of his brain. You just pay him, wash your hands in a bowl of water being held by a Roman nearby, and get on with your life. Easy peasy!

There first mission is to stop a DC Version of North Korea from destroying the world with their new metahuman weapons.

I don't mean to be critical of Lobo's English since he's obviously ESL and who am I, a guy who knows only English, to criticize a person who has made the kind of Herculean effort to learn more languages than the one they learned almost automatically from birth BUT he really doesn't need to both start and end a sentence referencing the person he's speaking to. I will not change that to "to whom he's speaking" because that's an antiquated grammar rule which tries to force English to be more like Latin. So don't correct my English when I'm trying to correct somebody else's, you jerk!

Amanda adds one more member to the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad team: Cyclotron. In a different version of the DC Universe that isn't this one at all, Cyclotron was Nuklon's grandfather. This is before Amanda came up with the brain bombs and thought she could manipulate people by dangling gold-plated carrots in front of them. Cyclotron is probably the "brain bomb" last resort for when she loses control of these maniacs.

The Squad is airdropped into the tiny evil country where they immediately encounter the metahuman threat composed of Growth, Missile, Statue, Wind, and Island.

Bah. No man is an island.

Even though it's an obvious thing to say, I just like the rhythm of that caption responding to the panel.

During the battle, Amanda realizes that the civilian populaces are inextricably linked to their metahuman overlords. When the metahumans die, the civilians die as well. So Amanda decides maybe they should abort the mission before everybody on the island is dead. Amanda Waller of the past is soft!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad defeats the metahumans and the evil emperor. The only part of the mission left is to destroy the machine the country was using to create metahumans. Past Amanda Waller screams at them to destroy it in an emotional display which Present Amanda Waller would never succumb to. Sensing her desperation to destroy this machine, Cyclotron steps forward and proposes a better idea: the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad should use the device to take over the world themselves. For the first and last time, Amanda Waller shits herself.

That last sentence doesn't have the impact it should because I forgot to mention this story is called "The First and Last Mission of Suicide Zero."

Amanda realizes that gold-plated carrots aren't the best thing to dangle from a stick if she wants to keep people other than Lobo or Captain Carrot in check. She makes a mental note to check into the efficacy of brain bombs and then tells Rustam to destroy the machine himself. Lobo also decides he wants to destroy the machine because he's one of the smartest villains in the DC Universe in that he would rather have money than the pain in the ass bullshit that comes with ruling the world. I'm glad he said that (and Rob and Si wrote that) because it's tiresome having all these super-villains who are fighting to simply have more stressful lives. People who want power are fucking damaged idiots with low self-esteem and probably tiny hands and the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs.

Amanda Waller thinks up a new plan on the spot: double the size of the gold-plated carrot!

I'm beginning to sympathize with Lobo in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. Did Amanda renege on the promise of payment and instead stick him in The Catacombs? I suppose the story isn't over yet but Lobo may be the only member of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad with an actual beef against Amanda. Oh, and Rustam! But he's a Quraci terrorist so fuck him!

Cyclotron tries to talk his way out of being killed by Lobo. He points out how he was promised his freedom to go on this mission but now Amanda has ordered him killed. How can you trust a lying monster like that?! I mean, ignore the part where Cyclotron decided to derail the mission and stopped doing what he promised to do for his freedom. I don't think that part is important to Cyclotron's argument. I mean, sure, he's right since he was really just part of the mission so Amanda could abort it using his death (probably! I'm still not past the part where Lobo decides to kill Cyclotron! Which means he's also killing Future Nuklon, I guess! Poor baby Nuklon! Although I'm assuming Nuklon is okay since Cyclotron already had his baby girl by the time he got his powers. So good news, Nuklon fans! Nuklon will be around in like fifty years or something.).

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

I suppose everybody here should be pissed that Amanda tried to kill them all with Cyclotron's blast. But all of them except Lobo and Rustam brought it on themselves, really. I hope Lobo gets his double-sized gold-plated carrot at the end of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I bet he does. That's why he joins the Justice League of America! For the excellent pay and benefits. I mean, he won't actually get the benefits because they're only going to hire him part time. And his pay won't be that great because he's technically unskilled labor and an illegal alien. But the promise of constant violence is a nice perk!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad manage to survive the blast but they were all comatose. So Amanda built a prison for them and locked them away because they were too dangerous to have in the world. Mostly they were too dangerous to her and her future plans. Always best to just bury incriminating evidence way out in a desert. Or so I've heard.

What Did We Learn?
I don't think we learned anything we didn't already know. Lobo will do anything if he's getting paid. Amanda Waller is a monster. Some other characters exist with motivations already mentioned in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. But I do appreciate having this Rebirth origin of the super-villain version of the Suicide Squad, mostly because Lobo is in it. Also, Lobo was written well! Not that it's hard to write Lobo. You just have him refer to himself as the Main Man, say "frag" or "bastiches" once or twice, mention how he always does a job he's been paid for because he's an honorable genocidal maniac who loves violence, and don't have him say "Sorry, not sorry." Easy!

The Ranking!
+1!

Suicide Squad #8

This week's comics from DC are extra thick. I hope that means there is an envelope full of money in them.

Dammit. An envelope full of money did not fall out when I opened the comic book. It's just an overblown, pull-out advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad, just in case anybody interested in that had yet to be bombarded with the other adverts for it. It does show that Lobo (non-twat version) and Eclipso will be in the series, though, so I guess I'm a little more interested than I was. Although it also has Emerald Empress as part of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad which seems weird since she's from the 30th Century. No wait. I'm still acting as if Rebirth makes any sense.

This month's cover made me realize a simple way to figure out if somebody is crazy! Just have them put on lipstick! If they can't help smearing it all over the place so that they look like my mother getting ready for a student-teacher conference, they're crazy! I don't know if it works for people who have never before put on lipstick, likes guys who lie to other guys about how they've never put on lipstick.

Once again, Harley Quinn uses up one of the twelve pages of the story to sum up events from last issue's twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count the page where Harley sums up the previous twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count...well, you get the pattern)).

So Zod is going to wake up and accept every script given to him by his agent?

I'd like to apologize for assuming that everybody understood the pattern forming in my previous parenthetical reference. If you voted for Trump, you might still be confused about how you can draw conclusions based on evidence to predict what will happen next. So, I'm sorry if that bit was confusing for you.

Rick Flag comes along to save Harley Quinn from being eaten by Killer Croc. Harley's plan to release The Enchantress went weird pear-shaped (which is subtly different than weirdly pear-shaped!) and instead of knocking out June Moone so that The Enchantress took over, she just knocked out June Moone. I guess The Enchantress is on a cigarette break because she never fails to take control at any available opportunity, like when June Moone sleeps or is sedated or is having an intense orgasm (which means Killer Croc didn't do it for her, I guess).

Rick Flag has stabbed himself in the leg with an ice pick so that the pain would keep him from murdering people. Or murdering random people because he seems to be just fine with shooting Killer Croc directly in his open mouth. As Rick tries to protect June by shooting Killer Croc, he yells, "I won't lose any more of my people, monster!" Isn't Waylon Jones one of your people? Who's the real monster here, Prick? June Moone is currently in her underwear and I'm really hoping that when she transforms into The Enchantress, she'll still be in her underwear, except fancier and more black magicky! And less crotchy!

Oh! Also, Rick put a tourniquet on his leg over where he stabbed himself with the ice pick and Harley is yelling, "You'll die from blood loss! You're crazier than all of us." He's not crazy. He's stupid if he chose to stab himself in the artery simply to use the pain to keep from going crazy. It hurts really bad just stabbing yourself in the muscle too, you know! I think. I mean, I've never been stabbed in either, so I can't really compare. But if I was stabbing myself in the hopes that the pain would allow me to stay clearheaded so I could save the world, I'm pretty sure I'd try to not stab myself in a way that would cause me to bleed out before I could save the world! Rick Flag is a dumb jerk.

Does this mean he has bulletproof external nasal cavities? Yuck!

What would an external cavity be? Is that like pondering the sound of one hand clapping?

Back at the lab, Harcourt and Waller haven't stabbed themselves in any arteries and they're not crazy like the rest of the people. Although they are killing scientists left and right and center and pear-shaped. That might still be proof of their sanity because just imagine how much they'll be saving the prison on faculty expenses! Although their insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Unless Belle Reve's entire insurance costs amount to a few shovels, some people willing to dig graves on the sly, and a form letter expressing how they're going to have to fire the suddenly missing person for not having shown up for work for the last two weeks (sent out a week after the staff member is killed. Which also means they need to pay somebody to hack the time clock records! Oh wait! They can just get Hack to do that. More savings!).

You're really watering down the term "Nazi" here, Amanda! Also, you're probably offending some young Jewish people who think they speak for all Jewish people when they scream at other people for pointing out that somebody might be Nazi-like.

The Enchantress appears and she's fully clothed so I may or may not have completely lost interest in the rest of this story.

It's a bluff! That's just the device that orders more enchiladas from the local Mexican restaurant!

Meanwhile, Captain Boomerang is still trying to download his data into a real body. But Hack doesn't have time to download him into a chicken or a hot naked female body because Katana and the other insane inmates are running towards her. They're not killing each other anymore. I guess they've talked it out and decided they should only kill people who haven't gone insane.

The inmates have joined together to destroy Rick and Harley as well. I suppose when you only have twelve pages each month, you can't expect your narrative to remain cohesive. So the crazy people have to go from simply being crazy and chaotic to being a rebellious mass of zombified murderers intent on only killing the people trying to save the day. Maybe the Black Vault is more aware than I realized! It was just confused when it was waking up with Zod but now it's formulated a plan to...well, I don't know. Destroy the world, I guess. That's the usual plan! It'll probably be the plan of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad too!

Oh no! I sort of can't wait for this in that way you can't wait for a train to pass by after you've destroyed the rails! I should probably do a special commentary on DC Challenge before this begins! I'd better dig those out of storage!

Here's my prediction for the Kamandi challenge! Each writer will work ahead of time outlining a bit of story they want to write for their part. That outline will be the meat of their issue and they'll wedge it into the framing of the rest of the story while mostly ignoring all of the plot threads and cliffhangers left by the other writers. It will be a spectacular, incoherent mess. But I can't wait to read Bill Willingham's bit! I wish he were drawing it as well!

The Enchantress decides to stop talking like a medieval plague doctor exposed to too much ergot and instead decides to become a Manic Pixie Black Magic Witch Sexpot. Maybe I'm imagining the sexpot part because I'm still picturing her wearing nothing but gossamer under garments. Whatever her personality, she manages to get Harley and Croc to the lab to save the day by accusing Waller of having psychological problems and by pushing Zod back into the Black Vault!

Zod awakens before he can be contained so everybody is fucked. Killer Croc tries to be brave by screaming "Entrails ramen!" at him while attacking him. Croc screamed that earlier too. I guess the phrase just cracked Rob Williams up too much to leave it as a one-off. I can hear him whispering in my ear right now as I read it, "Come on! That was funny! Admit it! Also, how about this clever bit of writing: Quinnpin! Ha ha!"

The Squad does something that causes Captain Boomerang to come back. I can't articulate what it is that happens. He's reformed from bits of General Zod as Zod is electrocuted and brought back under a red sun, maybe? Or he's just pulled out of the digital world in the same way Hack can digitize people for travel along the Internet and then reform them? Whatever happens, we're now definitely at no deaths in the current Squad after eight issues. Aside from the scientists and lab assistants and security guards and unnamed inmates murdered by Flag, Harcourt, Waller, Deadshot, and Katana.

Captain Boomerang claims he defeated Zod so I guess his "boomeranging" back to life did something to Zod that discounts the electricity and the red sun. That's probably just his cockiness acting up. I have the same problem in Call of Duty and Overwatch where I seemingly believe that I am the sole reason our team ever wins.

Harley Quinn winds up crazy again and Captain Boomerang has come back to life and Rick Flag doesn't die from blood loss and Katana doesn't think about all of the innocent people she killed and Killer Croc looks awkwardly at The Enchantress while trying to hide his scaly boner. But the biggest surprise of all (if any of those other things were surprising, amirite?!) is that Jim Lee did thirteen pages this month! Harley isn't the only insane thing about this issue! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (I'm putting lipstick on terribly right now!)

Before the backup story, there's an advert for Justice League Loves Saban's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. People want to read this? Fuck, I'm old.

The backup story is about Killer Frost coming to Belle Reve. It's also the prelude to the biggest blockbuster Rebirth story in the history of Rebirth Blockbusters: Justice League vs. Suicide Squad! It won't hold that title for long though since it's actually the first Rebirth Blockbuster and it's written by Joshua Williamson. That means practically anybody can write the second Rebirth Blockbuster and it will be bigger than this first one.

That's disrespectful, Rick. She obviously wants to be called Sever Head.

The moral of the story is that Amanda Waller is heartless. The end!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I guess. I enjoyed making fun of this issue and ensuring that I have a good time is the entire point of reading comic books. So whether this issue was actually bad or good doesn't matter to me. I quite enjoyed my time with it! That's probably not helpful but then, I never said I was helpful. Or compassionate! That didn't need to be said but I thought I should be honest at least once per day!

Suicide Squad #7

A sniper nearby is staring at Katana's tits.

If you never received a degree, don't answer "Yes" when somebody asks if you've ever gone to college. Stop unpacking your excuses as to why you never stuck around long enough for a degree just so you can pat yourself on the back for having taking a few philosophy classes that never went anywhere. Okay, sure Overreacting Butthurt College Dropout, technically you're answering the question truthfully. I mean, I suppose if you walked through a college campus one day, you can answer yes to that question. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset that you can't figure out what that person is actually asking since you were too lazy and stupid to finish school. It might sound like I'm judging you but I'm not. I mean, not that much. I don't give a shit if a person went to college or not. That isn't an indicator of intelligence or even some kind of fortitude or ambition. I fucking went to college to avoid the real world for as long as possible (which was about five and a half years of actual college and not the two or so years spent out of school for missing registration due to not wanting to meet with a counselor or fucking around at a community college to re-establish residence when I switched colleges (you know, because it's way cheaper!)). I also went to college because it was a nice chunk of time where I was able to read as many books as possible while not having any other real demands on my life. College also introduced me to a lot of literature I would never have bothered reading. But when somebody asks if you went to college and you have to explain and annotate your answer of "yes" with caveats like "I went for a few months before my grandmother died and I had to fly home and I just never went back" or "I got a crippling sexually transmitted disease from fucking that dead raccoon during a wild hazing incident at Gamma Delta Farts," maybe choose to say "no" before adding the annotations? Because, really, you fucking know what they meant by the questions, right?

Seriously though, don't fucking go to college. If you can get a scholarship or grant money that you don't have to pay back, then definitely do go to college. Or if you're serious about one of those jobs that's actually some kind of service to mankind (even if you're only doing it for the big cash payout salary! Who am I to judge? I mean, judge even more than I'm already doing?) and you need educated training! There are definitely good reasons to get educated via society's usual and expected means. But if you know what you want to do and you can do it yourself and you know you don't need a degree to do it? Fucking dump the system. It needs you far more than you need it! I went to a state school in Oregon my first year and then finished at a state school in California for the other half decade, so it didn't cost a lot to delay my adulthood. Plus, my father who had been mostly absent from my life from about thirteen to seventeen (due to raging alcoholism and selfishness) showed up to pay tuition. I covered all the other expenses (like books and drugs) through summer jobs. But I could have just as easily spent five years at the library and done much of the same thing. I loved my teachers and most of my classes, so I'm glad I didn't do that. But I could have, if I didn't have the resources and opportunities which presented themselves to me and my life. And I suppose it's easier to do almost nothing at all, day in and day out, without your family griping if you can say, "I'm in school!"

There are way more than two types of people but it's easier to say, "There are two types of people," before starting some kind of written thesis. And the two types of people I'm thinking of amid all of the other types of people are the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have a plan for their future and know what they want from life, and the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have no fucking idea what to do or how to navigate their oncoming adulthood. I figure a lot of people who answer "yes" to the question about going to college who shouldn't be answering yes are the second type. They eventually find what they need while at college and just move on. College serves its purpose as a kind of purgatory during the transition from childhood to adulthood. Often, a person doesn't need to see it through to its expected conclusion. I would have liked it to have gone on longer in some ways but, really, I'd fucking had enough of essay assignments. So I totally get not finishing. My main point is that when somebody asks, "Did you go to college?", you should probably answer "No" before saying, "I did go for awhile but dropped out for these reasons." Saying "yes" is just lying to yourself and everybody else and probably God too.

So anyway, I'll let Harley Quinn catch everybody up on what was happening in this comic book:

Okay. Got it! Magic Comic Book Nonsense makes sane people insane, and insane people sane. That's not the hardest thing a comic book has ever asked me to believe. Remember when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up a building? And that time Catwoman didn't tell Bruce Wayne he was being a selfish, condescending asshole? I mean, she may have told him that before. But there were all the other times she didn't when she should have.

Harley has reverted to Doctor Harleen Quinzel (unless it's spelled differently. I can't be bothered to remember or look it up) who is a psychiatrist (unless she's a psychologist. See my last parenthetical reference for more why I don't know). So when she says, "It turns out sane people are scared all the time," I have to believe she knows what she's talking about. And since I'm never scared, I suppose that makes me insane. Some would say it makes me stupid or shows I'm not paying attention. And by "some," I mean bumper stickers.

Katana is busy trying to kill Harley but she keeps getting sidetracked by all the guards who need their arms chopped off. I don't think Katana will be successful because DC would never kill Harley Quinn. They can't even kill Harley Quinn in some Death of Superman type stunt because all of the touchy feely Internet Harley Quinn fans would call them misogynist and dumb. No wait! They wouldn't call them dumb because that's ableist. I think. You know what's dumb? Trying to shape a world where you can't point out how stupid somebody is because they can't help it and thus it's a disability of some sort and how dare you pick on the poor moron. How long until the racists begin claiming they can't help being racist and thus it's ableist to call them out on it?

Sorry! Sorry! I went all Slippery Slope on you there. That's so fucking ridiculous to think that a racist would claim they shouldn't be called a racist because it's ableist. They just think they shouldn't be called a racist because they hate being called out on a truth they can't admit to because it would prove they were racist. Or something.

Katana can block a bullet with her sword but she can't deflect a Taser. Those are some sorry ass ninja skills.

I wonder whose most angry at me right now? Dropouts, racists, dum-dums who use the word ableist, or nerds screaming at me that Katana is a samurai and not a ninja? Also, those nerds are probably falling all over themselves to explain how Katana could block the bullet because her mind was clear but now, clouded by the Black Vault, she's not quite as effective at blocking things with her cutlass.

Harley contacts Amanda who is just willful enough to keep some clarity and explain the situation to Harley Quinn. That's a good thing or else Harley wouldn't know what she was supposed to do to get this story to end without everybody dying.

Harley realizes she has a decision to make! Does she stay and save the world from Zod by keeping him from waking up (since, you know, if he woke up, nobody in the world would be able to stop him because the Justice League is probably in the future dealing with Cosmic Boy's mutated space gonorrhea unraveling the time stream), or does she run for her life?!

I'm glad the exits in this super prison are so well marked and accessible.

Harley Quinn manages to defeat everybody in the prison by activating the sprinklers using El Diablo and then firing a Taser into the wet floor and electrocuting everybody. I mean, they're all wearing boots so even if I'm going to believe her Belle Reve Taser is the most powerful Taser ever devised (Harley did crank the setting up to 999 which must be crazy powerful! A Belle Reve Taser would need a huge setting like that to take down someone like King Shark, right?), how am I supposed to get past the boot thing? Maybe nobody has rubber soles. I guess they're all made of copper.

Meanwhile, Hack realizes that she accidentally digitized Captain Boomerang and uploaded him into Belle Reve's mainframe. I hope he boomerangs something as a computer virus!

Also meanwhile, June and Killer Croc do some after oral sex cuddling. Remember how they had oral sex last issue? I still can't wait to try that move! Harley decides to zap June Moone because a Belle Reve Taser has at least four shots. I'd think it would be much bigger than it appears. But then, I also think Jim Lee doesn't really think much about what he's drawing. He's got twelve pages to do and he doesn't have time to research anything in Rob William's script!

Harley zaps June to wake up the Enchantress because she needs to teleport to the lab to stop Zod. She doesn't get there this issue because Jim's twelve pages are up. Next issue should be the finale of this story since it's also the prologue to Justice League vs. the Suicide Squad (which will almost certainly be terrible).

The backup story is about June Moone and the Enchantress. Is the fact that I have nothing more to say about it a good enough review?

The Review!
+0! Seven issues in and nobody in the Suicide Squad has died! Oh, sure, readers are probably expected to remember the death of Captain Boomerang as a death which took place and therefore a justification for Task Force X's nickname. But he's not dead and he'll be back next issue! The only people who have died during this incarnation of the Suicide Squad are the guards killed by Katana. Way to go, Katana! Just add them to the ever growing list of innocent people you've killed since The New 52 began! Most of that list is, of course, all of the people in the high-rise hotel you blew up in Birds of Prey! Jerko!

Suicide Squad #6

See? I told you he was hiding in the bathroom!

There's nobody more helpful in life than that person who, when faced with a generalization from a friend, makes sure to point out that the generalization doesn't apply to everybody targeted by the generalization. I don't need to be reread the dictionary definition of "individual" every time I make a scathing criticism of all corporations, lawyers, cops, or mothers! I understand that, in theory, somebody's mother must be an angel! I don't need my rant cut off at the knees by a meaningless statement that adds nothing to the horribleness of mothers! I get it! Yours was a saint! But, overall, and so close to 100% that if this were a calculus problem, we'd be streaking to infinity on it, mothers are awful, terrible people. Also, I'm not sure my calculus bit would actually hold up in court. Probably because lawyers are jerks who would totally ask me leading questions that don't provide context for my calculus problem and then when I try to provide that context, I'm shut down and told to only answer the questions asked. As if that's fair! I could make any mother look like a huge jerk if they were only able to answer the questions I asked! Not that it would be hard because, after all, mothers! Amirite?!

I just ate lunch after writing that paragraph. While doing so, I chose to read some Facebook comments on a Ricky Gervais post about a preacher telling kids in line for Santa that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Here's a response from somebody who should get their Internet Comment Card taken away:

fucking hypocrites. So it's alright to lie and tell kids Santa exists but telling them God or Jesus is real is in some way wrong or idiotic. HAHAHA! mugs.

This is why I can't debate stupid people. Because they think they're so smart! But they're not smart! I'm smart! Unless I'm one of the stupid people who think they're smart? No, no! It can't be that! Because I don't say things like this guy who think it's the same thing to tell a kid Santa doesn't exist, knowing that they'll enjoy the fantasy as a child and eventually grow out of it and look fondly on the lie, as to tell a kid Jesus and God are real and expect them to live their entire lives accordingly and to squash all doubts to the contrary because that's probably one of the sins that will send you to Hell and maybe you should just hate gays too, just in case. Now whose the mug! Wait, what does that mean? Stupid British slang!

This is how this issue begins:

Why doesn't the Comic Book Code Authority still exist to stop images like this?! I never wanted to see an Amanda Waller upskirt photo!

Since nobody dies in the Suicide Squad, this is, of course, a fantasy. We all know Katana is going to hack the bullet out of the air. We knew that last issue when the gun was fired. But for one brief illogical second, I thought that maybe, just maybe, DC had killed Amanda Waller. I didn't think it was because the editors wanted to change up the way the Suicide Squad is run. I just thought maybe Jim Lee complained to the right people about having to draw a fat woman several times a month.

I almost went with "overweight woman" instead of fat but who am I to judge Amanda Waller's preferred weight? She might be underweight and pissed off because all of her older underwear keeps almost sliding off when she wears skirts.

So on the next page, Katana does indeed chop the bullet out of the air with her sword. So now we know she's got secret speedster powers! Unless it's just a given that ninja-types can move at super speed but only when it comes to dodging bullets and catching arrows.

Amanda is now going to have to reassess allowing people to carry guns in the lab. Forget about almost killing her! What if Rick had missed and shot an important piece of machinery keeping Zod in check?! The world could have been destroyed! You're probably thinking that Superman could stop Zod but you know how many times Superman is needed but "the Justice League is on a mission in space!"? A lot!

Nobody thinks to take Rick's gun away or cut off his arm at all (which, if you ask me, totally seems like a missed opportunity). Probably because they're distracted by wanting to kill everybody else. It seems some kind of rage virus has taken over the lab and the scientists are throwing the most awkward, terribly aimed, low powered punches at each other that I've ever witnessed.

Amanda headbutts Rick Flag and then the power goes out. I bet that's an excuse for Jim Lee to draw two or three pages in complete darkness. Which means he doesn't have to draw them at all, if you weren't following what I was saying as closely as you should have. It's hard to tell how many people like the guy I quoted above read these commentaries. I'm sorry you don't understand most of what I write, dum-dum.

Thanks for the information, Deadshot. Nobody else has eyeballs!

Thanks to the Phantom Zone Sphere (which everybody keeps calling the Black Vault, so maybe I should too!), Katana goes aggro as well and cuts the heads off of two scientists. I'm sure that won't effect her at all. Nobody wants to read this comic book for the kind of character development where a person questions their relationship with violence, and falls into a state of depression for having sent two innocent men's souls into the Soultaker Blade for eternity.

Another important tidbit of information Waller lets slip (to the readers! Not to the inmates!) is that if the Belle Reve power grid fails, they can't blow the prisoner's brain bombs. Well, I hope she has a backup generator! Maybe she should think about getting a cloud based brain bomb app so she isn't reliant on any power except the charge on her phone? I'd definitely look into it.

Here's another thing that happens in this comic book that I'm absolutely sick of: the cells unlock because of the power outage. Enough with cells that need a constant electric current to remain locked! If they do rely on electricity for locking and unlocking, they should default into locked when the power goes out. Stupid electrical engineers of the DC Universe!

Elsewhere in Belle Reve, June Moone and Killer Croc are released from their cells.

Yes! Now I know the proper way to do oral sex on a woman! Look at her orgasm!

It seems Captain Boomerang is currently in digital form inside of Hack's head. He's trying to help protect her head since he's living there now. He helps to keep the brain bomb out of her head by destroying the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine with his digitalness. Or something.

On a side note, even when the power is flickering, the people running Task Force X think it's a good time to try to implant a brain bomb. On a sidelier note, the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine is just a huge buzz saw on a crane. That seems...unnecessary.

On the sideliest note, you know how the scientists were using a Red Sun Generator to make sure General Zod would stay asleep and not be powered up? Apparently it has a Yellow Sun setting which one of the violent scientists uses. Who demanded that be an option?! I get that once you have a Kryptonian under your power, you'd want to be able to power him up. But for safety's sake, get two different fucking machines, you cheapskates!

Everybody in Belle Reve has gone insane except Harley Quinn who has gone sane. That seems like a thing that should happen. I know I'm judging crazy comic book logic but hear me out! If something drives somebody insane, doesn't it make sense that it would drive an insane person more insane? I'm just looking at a pretend chart here and it doesn't show that insane people suddenly become the most sane people if they get too insane. Although I will say insane people sometimes have fairly accurate insights into the world. Sure, you have to ferret out the insight lost among a plethora of lizard people and satellite death rays and vendettas against meter maids with their time machine ticket pad Frankenstein body scanners. But you'd be surprised how often I find myself nodding along in agreement while reading a schizophrenic rant. Okay, maybe you wouldn't be surprised by that, jerko.

Anyway, once Harley is sane, she obviously needs to cut off the colored ends of her hair, wipe off the mascara, take someone's Kleenex, and wipe the lipstick away. She knows things were bad but now they're okay. Also she puts on Hack's glasses so that she'll look respectable in her lab coat and short shorts that show off her professional camel toe.

That's the end of Jim Lee's twelve pages! Now for the backup story! It's about Killer Croc and how he keeps eating the guards in charge of his security. Waller seems to think this is an acceptable turnover rate for the position because she's certainly not in a hurry to figure out how to isolate Croc so that he never interacts with another guard for the rest of his prison time.

The story is interrupted by an advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad: Dusk of Mostly Water. In the ad, The Flash is battling Captain Boomerang. Come on, DC! Spoiler alert much?! Also, it's written by Joshua Williamson so I'm already yawning.

Anyway, the Killer Croc story is about how Killer Croc was made a monster by society. The end. Mind blown. What's that? Why yes, I do always make a jerk-off motion and roll my eyes when my mind is blown.

The Review!
No change. Same old same old same old as the same old that was the same old as the same old.