Nightwing #19

This month: Nightwing takes over on drums for Styx on their revival tour and Damian Wayne trips!

The Review!
If you're into naked man ass, you'll love page two of this comic book! If you're also into huge birds of prey, you'll fucking ruin your underwear over page two of this comic book! So good!

Nightwing battles Deathwing in this issue while saying all of the things that I just said about what's wrong with superheroes in my commentary on Justice League #19. Defacer also says some good stuff. They're standing up for heroes being heroes. Sure, Simon Hurt is targeting Nightwing personally which is the main thing I hate about the state of comic book stories. But it's okay sometimes if the writer has a story to tell. And the story here is that Dr. Simon Hurt wants to ruin the purest super hero DC Comics currently has. He wants to take away everything that makes Dick Grayson better than Batman, better than Superman even. He wants to hurt him and take away his humanity and his kindness and his optimism. Dr. Simon Hurt thinks he can make Dick better by making him a weapon devoid of his human side. He sees the human aspect of Dick Grayson as being weak. But it's the strongest part of him.

Don't worry, people into naked woman ass! This comic has something for you too!

I haven't really discussed Deathwing much because I can't remember much about him. Here, he's just a Dollotron. But the original Deathwing was from the Team Titans future. I was rereading The Titans, Team Titans, and Deathstork but stalled about a year ago before getting to the Deathwing reveal. It's too bad because I bet I'd have some really smart things to say about his appearance here, if only I could remember anything about him! I think maybe he was fucking Mirage? Or maybe the original Dick was and then when Lord Chaos was defeated, perhaps it changed Dick's future so that he became known as the asshole Deathwing. Maybe I should get back to rereading those before this story arc is finished so I can reestablish my credentials as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Right now I'm failing!

Nightwing defeats Deathwing by cutting him with the blade from the other end of the universe. It causes people to see various future realities. Apparently the one Deathwing sees is the one that turns him into a scared little boy who never wanted to become a dollotron. That seems far-fetched! Who wouldn't want to be a sexless dollotron with no sense of identity?! It sounds like bliss.

Nightwing leaves Defacer to coddle Deathwing and rushes off to stop Dr. Hurt from killing Damian. He finds Dr. Hurt waiting to monologue before killing Damian. He's all, "Batman was forged from tragedy but I can't figure out the tragedy to forge you! But you were still cracking jokes after seeing your bleak future and after seeing your girlfriend about to be turned into living art. Well, let's see if you can make a joke when Robin dies at dawn! Did you hear me? Do you get it? Have I said it enough times yet? I said 'Robin Dies at Dawn'! That's clever, right? It's my origin story! Ah ha ha ha!"

Dr. Hurt stands over Robin's lifeless body with a bloody knife which causes Nightwing to stumble and fall into hell. The cover lied! It showed Robin stumbling! Stupid covers.

The Ranking!
No change! Even though Dr. Hurt is targeting Nightwing specifically, at least the only people being hurt are Dick's girlfriend and brother. Oh, and the dozens and dozens and dozens of people turned into Nightwing Dollotrons! But they don't matter, right? They're basically just like potted plants in the background. Nobody cares about their previous lives or what will happen to them when this story is over. It's best not to think about all the collateral damage that happens when villains specifically target heroes. That way leads to stories like Justice League's "Timeless" or DC's "Legends" or Superman's identity crisis or all the ones where people hate Batman or the Teen Titans or Wonder Woman or Aquaman. Actually, it's standard policy to hate Aquaman.

Nightwing #18

This was the theme of my high school prom.

The Review!
Are you a person who likes clever things like art and waffles? If you are then you should read the first panel of Nightwing #18!

See?!

Some of you might be thinking, "I don't get it!" If you are, don't worry. You just aren't the type of person who likes clever things! Or you might be one of those people who thinks they get it which is just tragic. Because then you're thinking, "Oh yeah! I appreciate art and the character is including me in the comment about being here and appreciating art! I know that sometimes situations exist where you can use the word 'meta' and seem super intelligent and in the know!" Sure, that's part of it, I suppose! But if you thought that then you're not actually the type who appreciates art in the way the character (and thus Tim Seeley) is claiming you appreciate art which is why you've chosen to read his Nightwing book (and hopefully ignored his Lost Boys book because if you appreciate art, you probably threw up reading that and thought, "Where is the art?! That is a reference to the old Wendy's commercial. Meta! I think?"). But if you remembered that this issue is about Professor Pyg who loves artistic transformations and is about to transform an artist into art through arty artistry, you might have noticed how clever the Location Blurb was being (even though it didn't mention waffles). Even places can be transformed! It's even cleverer if you know what sanglier means! I don't!

If Professor Pyg is so into transformation, why did he base his whole look on pigs? Is it simply because he's obsessed with Pygmalion? That seems like a stretch! He should be Professor Butterfly! I guess that's too on the nose for a Grant Morrison character and also not as disturbing as a pig-faced guy and also maybe a bit suggestive of coming out of the closet. Grant probably figured that would take the character into places he'd already discussed in Doom Patrol. This guy is supposed to be disturbing and what's more disturbing than pigs?! Don't start shouting out logical answers to that question at me! It was rhetorical and steeped in personal bias! Pigs are gross!

Who else wants a waffle now?

If you're a person who likes clever things like art and wine, you should probably keep reading past the first panel because Professor Pyg goes into an analogy about how art is like wine but also like being pregnant which makes a lot of sense because babies totally act like they're drunk. His main point is that to get the best art out of an artist, you have to gut them when they're young. But Dick and Damian arrive and they make a "This Little Piggy" joke although I'd rather believe it was meant to be a Deliverance joke that was censored. In other words, Dick and Damian are going to "rape" Professor Pyg. I put rape in quotes because I meant it in the way twelve year old boys use it on me while playing Call of Duty. Apparently I've been raped on a nearly constant basis since I began playing Xbox online. No wait. Make that "attempted raped" because those twelve year old boys never know what hit them after I'm through with them! I'm not saying I rape them. That's disgusting and vile. I just carefully pull down their dirty twelve year old panties and spank their sweaty bottoms until they're asking for more and I'm all, "Wait a second. I just remembered I'm not in NAMBLA. I should think up a better analogy for destroying kids at video games that isn't suggestive of some kind of sexual assault."

Professor Pyg has some more commentary on art and artists. Maybe he should change his name to Professor Navel-Gazing.

While Damian and Dick fight Pyg to save Shawn, Dollotron Robin and Dollotron Deathwing discuss the pros and cons of becoming a Dollotron. You might be asking what kind of pros could there possibly be in becoming a Dollotron? Well, I can think of one pro: Lots of cons to discuss! Anyway, the discussion ends the way most debates end: one side strangles the other side. In this case, Deathwing is the winner.

Nightwing saves Shawn but twists his ankle so he can only lie on the ground blubbering while Robin rushes off to stop Deathwing stealing the Batmobile. But that's just a bit of performance art to lure Robin out alone so that Deathwing and his friend can shoot him in the back of the head! Or maybe just the back. Probably some place non-fatal since the Death of Damian Wayne was a story that was already told and I'll be angry if DC tries to make me pay to read it again.

Deathwing's friend (somebody Robin recognizes but isn't shown (at least not yet! Maybe the reveal will be on the final page. I hope it's Lord Death Man! Or Egghead!)) claims that Robin will die at dawn because that's the only way to get Dick Grayson to reach his true potential. Who would want Dick to achieve his true potential? The real bad guy must be Batman!

When Dick realizes Damian is missing, he threatens Pyg and Pyg cracks immediately. He reveals the true patron of the Make Dick Grayson Great Again project was Dr. Simon Hurt. I suppose I should have known that from when he said, "Robin Dies At Dawn!" That was more of that clever stuff Tim Seeley thinks is so cool.

The Ranking!
No change! You know, I really do need to go back and read Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman stuff.

Nightwing #15

Dammit! I dropped the comics starring these guest stars for a reason!

• This issue begins 68 days ago. That must mean Nightwing won't die for the next 68 days worth of story. There isn't going to be any tension in this comic book at all!

• Nightwing begins telling his story by pointing out that every good hero has a love interest. Is that really true? I don't remember Bilbo getting laid. Or Gandalf. Or Jesus.

"Mournful gyrating" is how I describe my lovemaking as well.

• It pained me to type "lovemaking" but I couldn't think of a better way to put it in the context of that caption without changing the intended tone. "Sexing?" "Intimate penetrations?" "Organic docking procedures?" "Failing to please a woman?"

• Shawn has blue hair which is the exact opposite of what Dick usually goes for if blue is opposite red which I'm pretty sure it is.

• After failing to dock (the mournful gyrating was really just dancing at a Goth club. Duh!), Wally West stops by to smell Dick's fingers.

• That's so disgusting! I can't believe I even typed that! It totally grossed me out. One time when I was at my cousin's house in high school where we were playing Blood Bowl, his cousin (which wasn't my cousin due to the way marriages work) came in from hanging out front in his Z-28 with his girlfriend. As he walked by my cousin, he just casually stuck his fingers under my cousin's nose. That's the end of the story, really. I know, it wasn't even worth telling! Although the part about David fucking his girlfriend out front in his Z-28 could probably make a great movie! Or at least a pastoral poem.

• Six days after 68 days ago, Dick and Shawn gyrate mournfully. Shawn said she was being traditional. Although I don't know how traditional. When was the last time two people dating waited six days to fuck?! It must have been a week in the early sixties. During that week, it went from waiting five years to fuck to fucking during the second song of the outdoor festival you met the person at.

Me discussing the lovemaking.

• After Dick leaves, Stallion calls up Shawn to smell her fingers. This is Rebirth! They might have cell phones capable of transmitting smell. Smell phones!

• Stallion was all, "What did his cock look like?" And Shawn was all, "Just like Nightwing's!"

• Twenty-seven days into the relationship, Dick tells Jason Todd a story where Shawn did something of which he didn't approve. Uh oh! That's the story Dick will be telling in the future when he describes the time he knew the relationship was over!

• The same day, Shawn tells Mouse a story where Dick made her question their commitment! Things are already falling apart! Unless the point is that people have to invest in a relationship to make it work. I wouldn't know because whenever a relationship becomes work, I take off! I mean, the woman wants to orgasm every time too?! Sheesh!

• Fifty-one days into the relationship, Dick Grayson cheats on Shawn with Starfire. Probably!

Oh yeah. They totally did it! It's basically how Tamaraneans say hello!

• Shawn's father is a chef who owns his own restaurant. He's also Chinese. So when he says he made them food, Dick is all, "I love Chinese food!" But then Shawn's dad is all, "I have an Italian restaurant!" And then Dick is all, "Oh, I would be embarrassed for assuming that you made Chinese but I fucking smell Chinese food, you asshole." And Shawn's dad is all, "I know! It was a joke! I totally got you and made you sound racist!" And Dick is all, "No, you didn't. I could fucking smell the Chinese food!" And Shawn's dad is all, "Ha ha! Oh, you gullible kid!"

• Sixty-four days into the relationship, Dick has to tell Barbara Gordon that she isn't getting any of this. He points to his lower half while doing a slight twist when he says "this."

• Sixty-seven days into the relationship (one day from the present!), Dick tells Bruce about the woman he's been gyrating mournfully with.

Oh don't you start getting all judgy, Mr. Catwoman.

• Since this story is the story of the past sixty-eight days, the Narration Boxes are Nightwing speaking from the present. And he finishes with one of the first Women in Refrigerator tales. Which doesn't bode well for Shawn, does it?! Also in the last panel, somebody sneaks up on her as she's painting and nabs her!

The Ranking!
+1! So much to like in this one! So much! Which should mean I'd have a lot to mention, right? Well you're wrong because saying "so much to like in this one" is a way of saying "I liked it but don't want to bother articulating all of the reasons why I liked it, like the side boob shots of Shawn in her bra and Alfred being told not to speak while serving Bruce and Dick dinner. I mean, he probably was told not to speak because he's always making snarky comments towards Bruce and can't he just fucking let the whole Batman thing go sometimes?!"

Batgirl #52

I think Batgirl just got stung in the face by a wasp.

The Review!
One day, Mary Sue was sitting down for lunch after her morning lecture, "Do Not Think of the Transporters as Suicide Machines or People Replicators." She was desperate for a big, fat, juicy sausage. Her lips were watering just thinking about sliding a huge sausage into the proper orifice. You know the one! The one that enjoys sausages! Did you see me winking as I typed that? Cadet Jenkins McElroy wandered into the canteen and picked up an empty tray that would soon be loaded with sausages of his own. And probably some eggs and toast and maybe beans since Star Fleet was an amalgam of all cultures, even the weird ones that eat beans for breakfast. "Hey, Mary Sue! What's going on?" asked Jenkins with his sausage hole. "Ohhhhhh," moaned Mary Sue because Star Fleet uniforms were so tight that she could totally see Jenkins was hiding a sausage in the appropriate place for guys to have sausages. "Oh Mary Sue! You kidder!" said Jenkins not understanding what was going on at all because he was a virgin and he had never heard a sex moan before. I have heard them a lot which is why I know that they sound like "Ohhhh!" And if you don't think that's what a sex sound sounds like, you probably read it incorrectly and should read it the way it really sounds. You should also read it out loud and record it and email me the recording but only if you're a female because I don't want to hear a guy doing a sex sound. I've heard that enough! I mean because I've heard my own sex sounds all those times I've done it a lot! Now I forgot where I was in the story. I think Mary Sue fell asleep satisfied and full of sausage or something.

The Commentary!
Dear Diary,
I am a sham! A lousy, good-for-nothing sham! I'm not the virgin you thought I was! I can't keep my deep, dark secret any longer! I'm a different virgin! Ha ha!

Here's the thing, Diary! I don't want to be superhero! I want to be a stand-up comedian! I can take the stage name Oracle and tell jokes about my vagina! "My vagina is like a greyhound bus! A lot of people have spent a lot of miserable time inside of it! OH!" Then the audience members will look at each other and wink and say things like "She bangs a lot!" and "She's talking about doing it!" Here's another joke I'm working on: "So the other day, Mary Sue--that's what I call my vadge--was all, 'Let's fuck that guy over there!' And I was all, 'That's a lamppost!' And Mary Sue was all, 'I know!'" Okay, so I need to work on my material! But that's the problem. I'm spending all of my time being a superhero and no time writing super funny jokes to tell while standing up!

Oh! I wonder if that's why The Joker shot me in the spine! He didn't want any competition so he made sure I couldn't stand up or be funny due to having been traumatized! That guy!

Another thing I've been super busy with is hanging around with my new girl crew. We call ourselves the Pussy Patrol. Well, I do! They want to call themselves the Birds of Prey but I'm like, "The only bird in this group is Black Canary!" And then Bluebird was all, "Hey! Bitch!" And I was all, "Also isn't it kind of degrading to refer to ourselves as 'birds'? And isn't it a little violent to think of ourselves as birds who eat other birds? Oh wait! I just got that! It's a cunnilingus reference! Uh oh. Mary Sue is hulking out!"

So the other night, I was hanging with the Pussy Patrol when we heard that Gladius was holding the kids of Gotham Academy hostage! I was all, "We have to save them even if I'm already super busy trying to balance my social life, my family life, my career life, my imaginary love life, my Mary Sue hygiene life, and my superhero life!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Tell me about it, sister! So difficult! OH HOW I WANT A BABY SO BADLY!" But Admiral Grump Canary was all, "It's a trap!" And Vixen was all, "Does anybody have any wacky nose pep?" See, because she's a model and they all do that, right? I don't know! I'm a drugs virgin too, okay?! And the Spoiler was all, "And it turns out, she was really a guy!" And Blackbird was all, "I was in the middle of getting my head shaved when you called! I mean, that must be the explanation of my hair style, right? Nobody would really go around with half of their head shaved when they're trying to keep a secret identity, you know?!" But I was all, "Don't worry, Pussies! I have a plan! Dun dun dun DUN!"

My plan was basically to go in and kick butt but they didn't need to know it was that simple! Mostly I could call it a plan because I knew a secret way into the library where the kids were being held. Which probably didn't matter so much because we were still walking into a trap. Why do heroes always walk into traps when they know they're traps? I think most of the time we just say we know something is a trap so if it turns out to be a trap, we can be all, "I knew it!"

Ugh. What the hell are you wearing, Grump Canary?!

The plan took a terrible turn when I confronted Gladius and said, "You're surrounded!" But the Pussy Patrol were all standing behind me because some people don't know how to follow plans! How embarrassing! Now all the kids at Gotham Academy think I don't know the definition of surrounded!

Maybe nobody noticed because almost immediately, Gladius went all Boss Battle on us! She grew four more arms and they were all wielding swords and she was all, "Now get in to melee combat with me and don't you dare try to attack me with ranged weapons!" So most of the Pussy Patrol were all, "Okay!" And I was left to spit out that little cloud of air like they do in Mangas when a character is exasperated! Even Bluebird closes in on Gladius and she uses electricity guns! They're not Tasers because those are trademarks and she makes her own versions which she hasn't named yet. Unless she has and I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of some way to get a dick up in Mary Sue.

AnySwayze, I was all, "Let me show them how it's done! I'll impress them all with my ranged attack skills by taking out Gladius's remote control of her mechanical arms from a ranged distance down range!"

Why is my memory so good?! Now I'll never forget this embarrassing verbal flub!

So it turned out Gladius wasn't exactly Gladius! She was just pseudo-Gladius! The real Gladius went running off looking for the Negahedron which is some thing that does something bad or something. I know I have an eidetic memory but sometimes things are so boring I just never really pay attention when I first learn about them.

Since the Pussy Patrol worked as a team all night, I decided to send them all home so I could take down Gladius all by myself! Mostly because Gladius had taken off on a fire engine and I wasn't about to bring Vixen and Grump Canary along with me. What firefighter would look at me when Grump Canary's everything is hanging out of her fishnets and Vixen is acting like she's on the catwalk (also probably walking like a cat because of her powers)?

Damn it! I'll remember this flub forever too! What is wrong with my speech capabilities?! Luckily none of the hot studs they use for the calendars which I totally don't rub Mary Sue on were around to hear me.

After the adventure, I ended up at my surprise going away party. Wait. What? Where am I going away to?! I didn't know I was going away! What's going on here?! Who's messing with my mind and my life?! Why is my world always changing around me without my consent?! Life is terrible!

Batgirl #51

What a fucking waste, Babs! Throwing away beautiful Doc Martens like that while children in India are running around barefoot! Probably!

The Review!
Barbara Gordon isn't so much learning that as a woman living in modern times, she can't have it all so much as she's learning that as a woman living in modern times, she has to fret and worry about how she can't have it all. Myself, I think she's being too dramatic. But that's the whole point! Batgirl's life needs drama just when everything seems to be working out. She has great friends. She has a boyfriend. She has a business. She's a super hero. She's making a strong go of living on her own as an adult. The issue of children and family hasn't even been brought up yet and she's already breaking down! Perhaps I'm being too sensitive to this "working woman struggling with balance in her life" story because of how browbeatingly awful it's been used in the Finches' Wonder Woman comic book. But I feel like female characters are being forced to be too introspective about how much of their life they're giving up by choosing to be a superhero. It would be one thing if Bruce Wayne were the only character able to run a business, "raise a kid", and be a hero because he obviously gave up on having a normal family when he was eight. Plus the "raise a kid" part is in quotes since I don't think it counts as raising a child if you put him in a garish costume and keep him up all night risking his life. Batman is DC's favorite son, so even if Batman had a perfect relationship, he would be an anomaly because he's the motherfucking Batman. But what about Aquaman? He has it all! No, wait. I don't think I count him as a "superhero". He's more of a joke in a stupid costume. But Superman of Lois and Clark! He's got it all, right?! Unless he doesn't have a job. Does Clark White have a job? I don't remember!

Um, anyway, whatever the case with everybody's lives in the DC Youniverse, it doesn't seem like the male characters have to eat their fucking hearts out worrying about the situation. Batgirl's solution by the end of this comic book is to give her job as president of Gordon Green Gassy Electric to Alysia. That's a good solution because who wants to see Batgirl have a day job anyway? What a bore! She also decides to take some time away from Luke which is okay by me too for the same reason! What a bore! Batwing has never been sexy or exciting! Besides, his suit makes him look fat. Ultimately, Barbara will wind up spending more time with her friends as Batgirl which is really all I want from this comic book anyway. And maybe some sexy slumber parties!